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(NEWSER) – Esquire has named Penélope Cruz the Sexiest Woman Alive, and the magazine is very serious about her sexiness. The five most dramatic sections from Chris Jones' article on Cruz, which is somewhat oddly interspersed with a story about bullfighting in Spain:

  • "Penélope Cruz lifts her perfect eyebrows from her bottomless brown eyes ... "
  • "She is impossibly beautiful. When she walks into a room, men start walking into furniture. Up close, however, she becomes almost hard to look at, like staring into the most unflattering mirror. ... Cruz has no physical flaws, the bent noses and crooked teeth we would normally use as signifiers. Her face contains no secrets, at least not about her. But her face tells you and the room plenty about you. If you want to feel like the world’s most judged man, sit down at a table in a restaurant with the Sexiest Woman Alive."

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