Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Cutbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the Old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
It's a clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
In the air everywhere, The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben
Mahler and Danny g Radio. A Happy Saturday to you
as we are back in the remote studio for the podcast.
It is the seventh day of March. It is early
in the morning. We are celebrating National Bend Day today,
(00:50):
National Ben Day today. That's a thing, not a big thing,
it's a thing. And yeah, so that's a day for me.
And there's not a lot of Bens anymore in the world.
Not even when I was a kid.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
There weren't that many.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
I saw somewhere I was reading that they said back
in the eighteen.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Like late eighteen hundred, eighteen eighties.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
The name Ben was one of the most popular names anywhere,
Like the top ten popular name you named your Boyd
Ben top ten names and then as of a couple
of years ago it was like almost eight hundredth It
went from tenth to almost eight hundred.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Now I do believe in the boomerang.
Speaker 3 (01:30):
Theory that all names will be brought back at some point, right,
you know, through time. Obviously we're only here a short
amount of time, but then the names will come back.
Like when I was a kid, there were some relatives
that had really old sounding names, and now today those
names have started to come back for people that weren't
alive and didn't have older relatives and all that. So
(01:54):
celebrate Ben day, famous bench. Do you know any famous
Ben I'm not famous. Benjamin Johnson the second most important
English playwright. How about that fifteen hundreds playwright poet wrote
the famous play every Man in his Humor, which was
(02:14):
popular in his day. The first Postmaster General of the US.
I'm thinking you've heard who that person was, Benjamin Franklin. Hello,
and he had control over all post offices from Massachusetts
to Georgia, so he had that going. There's been plenty
of other bends that have gotten things done.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
So there you go. It's a national Benday.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
So you can celebrate that appropriately on this edition of
The Fifth Hour, the Saturday special of the Life of
Mahlor and Danny g but he's not here. So we
have YouTube University and the gig Economy.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
But we're going to start with this.
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Tales from the Not So Naked City, a story of
I'm gonna I'm gonna give you my Hollywood style pitchure
and see if I can convince you to consume this podcast.
So it's a story of heartbreak, betrayal, rust, and ultimately redemption.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
Are you hooked? Yes?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
No, maybe, so, maybe you're, Maybe you're I don't know,
but you know it anyway, whether you're hooked or not.
So let me take you on a journey behind the
curtain here at the Malor Mansion, a journey that many
of my p ones, senior generals, and the mal militia
unlikely you you're listening to the podcast, so you're at
(03:42):
a higher level.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
So you've heard me chat over the years, right, You've
tourved me.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
Chat over the years about my culinary empire and everything
I've got going on in the back patio of the
Malor Mansion, talking about the crown Jewel of course, the
pride and joy of the backyard. The Blackstone Griddle. Now,
if you're not familiar with the Blackstone griddle, it's every
(04:12):
middle aged guy's wet dream. It's basically a Ferrari of
backyard cooking. This thing is a flat top dream machine. Burgers, cheese, steaks, fajitas,
you can make breakfast if that's your jam, pancakes, all
kinds of delicious foods. You name it, and if it's edible,
(04:32):
the Blackstone can handle it. It's essentially having a restaurant
cooking top in your backyard. And it's able to do,
as I said, just about everything, lunch, dinner, breakfast. It's
the Swiss army knife of the grease based cuisine. Well
a catastrophe structor malle mansion, And like many disasters, it
(04:56):
began a long time ago. When I say a long
time time, I go about a month ago. With rain
in southern California. Normally, when it rains in most places,
it's it's an inconvenience. Nobody drives good in the rain,
but it's rain. It comes and goes.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
You're used to it.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
When it rains in SoCal the news treats it like
a biblical event. I'm not exaggerating here the anchors on
TV break in like the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
are writing down the one oh one Freeway on a
pontoon boat. The rain this year was different because it
happened when we had some work being done at the house.
(05:39):
Our contractor, really good dude, does great work. Forgot one
small detail in the margins, if you will, he did
not cover the griddle, my beloved pride.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Enjoy the Blackstone griddle.
Speaker 3 (05:56):
And keep in mind I wasn't cooking at this time,
and we had taken a little break from that because
of a little cooler as I was waiting for the
weather warm a little bit.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Not that it gets cold here. Now.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
When I say rain water, I'm not talking about just
a couple of sprinkles, a few drops. Now, this thing
had several inches of water, my Blackstone sitting on it
like it was a kiddie pool outside of a redneck
motel six. And I didn't discover the crime scene right
(06:30):
away because the work was being done. I didn't want
to bother the contractor. I was trying to be polite.
And so the rain stopped. And then a few more
days went by, and when I finally lifted the lid
to cook. It looked like I would think I was
at the bottom of the ocean there and I was
looking at the Titanic wreckage, except this was obviously cooking equipment.
(06:52):
Several inches of standing water. There was this rust everywhere.
It's like this reddish brown apocalypse. And my beautiful blank
canvas where I've cooked so many meals, looked like it
had spent about three years at the bottom of the
Atlantic Ocean. There was corrosion, it was peeling back, there
(07:12):
was devastation. Now I'm not proud to admit this, but
I was a little depressed. It was like, I was like,
that sucks.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
This is not good. Now, I got to I've spent
countless hours.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
I know, I got a lot of time off from work,
but my time off on the weekends out they're cooking
on the things, summer nights, spring afternoons, heck.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Most of the year.
Speaker 3 (07:36):
Only the weather only gets somewhat shady, like two months
out of the year here where we live. So you
got the sizzle of the burgers, the cheese, steaks, dancing
doing the dance on the flat topic there, Fred Astaire.
You get the popping sound of the fijidas and the
bell pepper and the onion.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
It's like fireworks on the fourth of July.
Speaker 3 (07:58):
And now it loo like something you'd find in a
junk yard behind a waffle house on the end of
a country road. And I was bummed out. I was
bummed out, Benny. And now the easy move would have been,
and this is normally the move I would have made,
throw it out and just buy another one. Just go
(08:21):
down to the Walmart, buy another one. Now, Blackstone griddles,
I believe they're around five hundred dollars give or take.
And some maybe even you might think, well, you know,
come on, man, you're a big time overnight sports radio
gas bag.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
You're doing overnight talk radio.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
That's where the money is, not the daytime shows with
Cowherd and Dan Patrick.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
No, overnight radio five hundred dollars is nothing. Oh no, no, no, no.
Let me introduce you to something called malormath. When you
work overnight radio, you're not making daytime radio money. Five
hundred dollars is not monopo. That's real currency. That's like
losing a starting offensive lineman before the playoffs. That's not good.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
So instead of throwing in the towel, which I normally
would have.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Done I fully admit I normally would have done this.
Speaker 3 (09:13):
I did what every modern American does when confronted now
with crisis.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
I went to college.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
I went to YouTube University, my preferred university. Some of
you elitists love Harvard or Mit. Forget about that Yale.
Come on Brown, what can Brown do for you?
Speaker 1 (09:32):
What are you kidding me?
Speaker 3 (09:34):
The real Ivy League is not Princeton. It's a twelve
minute video titled how to fix a rusted blackstone griddle
for idiots right shocking results.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
So I watched a couple of these videos and then
I don't.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Know, and I watched another one, and then another one,
and the next thing you know, it was a full
blown internet rabbit hole.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
I'm talking mental notes.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
I pulled out the notes out app on my phone
and I'm writing down things I need to do, what
I need to you know, how I need to approach this.
I'm studying game film like I'm preparing a game plan
for the Super Bowl.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Now. Step one, you have to scrape the rust. Done.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Step two oil, Okay, done that. Step three turn on
the heat, turn on the fire, burn, baby burn. And
then step four is you repeat the process over and
over like the Energizer Bunny, over and over and over
and over again. So I rolled up my sleeves, I
(10:37):
grabbed the scraper and went to work. Let me tell
you something, though I am not a handyman, I do
not have the handyman gene.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I have the gas bag Jene. Historically speaking, I have been.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Much closer to Wrecket Ralph, who we used to work with,
former radio guy Ralph Irvin. Much closer to Wrecket Ralph
than fix at Felix. If something broke at the Malor Mansion,
my usual move was to look at it, sighed dramatically,
and say, well that's gone. That see you later. That's broken,
(11:13):
never coming back. However, this time, this time I was
a man on a mission. It seemed like mission impossible,
Like there's no way I saw the YouTube videos from
YouTube University, There's no way this is gonna come back.
So I'm scraping rust like a gold miner during the
gold Rush in San Francisco.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Oil all over the griddle.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
The fire burning on the on the black top, burn
baby burn, smoke everywhere. The neighbors probably thought I was
running some kind of barbecue speak easy thing and more oil,
more heat, more scraping, and this went on and on
and on.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
And on and on and on and on. Hours went by.
Speaker 3 (11:59):
It was not meatball surgery. It was Blackstone griddle surgery.
And slowly, slowly, the miracle began to happen. That orangey,
rusty thing that was peeling.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Back started vanishing. Abra cadabra, hocus posts was disappearing. I
don't know when it went. I have no idea. It disappeared.
The surface got a little darker, it became smooth, and
it just looked like it was supposed to look.
Speaker 3 (12:30):
You know, when something looks right right, Even blind Scott
knows that, or in cod Terror, any of those guys.
So it looked like a quarterback had returned from the
injury tent. And eventually there was this point of demarcation
where we crossed the rubicon.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
We landed the plane.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Baby, the Blackstone was back, yes, and better than ever.
Benny Blackstone had regourge it to resurrected the griddle, and
you better believe there was a celebration. So I fired
up that bad boy and we made the house specialty
(13:11):
Benny's Burgers, smash burgers, perfect crust, cheese melting like a
lava flow yum yum to my tumtum, the kind of
burger that makes you question every drive through decision you've
ever made in your life. Then came the Fahidas, then
the cheese steak in Paradise if you will, which I'm
(13:34):
sure if Jimmy Buffett were still alive today, would demand.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Some kind of money.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
The griddle went from the brink of the landfill getting
picked up and dumped to being the NVP yet again,
come back Griddle of the Year. And I gotta tell you,
there's a deep sense of accomplishment. I'm jealous of you
that have this ability. There's a deep sense of accomplishment
(13:58):
when you fix something with your own two hands. And
this is something that would not have been possible years
and years ago, back when you'd have to call some
guy named Gary who charges two hundred dollars just to
look at it.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
Now you got the.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
YouTube University, a million of tutorials all lined up there
with those little annoying thirty second ads which you can't skip.
And every problem known to mankind can be solved by
a guy filming in his garage wearing a wife beater shirt.
And so now I'm feeling a little dangerous for years,
(14:37):
as I pointed out, I've been wreck.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
At Ralph, but maybe, just maybe.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I've turned the corner here because of YouTube University, and
I could become fixed at Felix. Handyman Benny better than
new Benny. Why not Jack of all trades, master of none.
And now the backyard menu at the Maler Mansion is
officially open. The griddle specials will be it served up
all spring and all summer.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Baby, we got this.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
And as the great philosopher who may or may not
have worked at Disney once saying any very dramatic voice,
when you wish pawn a blackstone griddle makes no difference
who you are, anything your tummy desires will come to you.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
It's not magic, it's not wizardry. It's something even more
powerful than all of that, the mather with sugar magic.
And now who wants a burg You want a burger?
You want a cheese steak? Compared to you would you
like fajitas?
Speaker 4 (15:42):
Okay, we got that for no problem, no problem, all right,
So turn the page on that as we do a
skip and a jump, and we.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Move now to the other day.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
Then just a couple of days ago, I was scrolling
through the internet rabbit hole. I wanted to bring this
up here because I had an idea. So I'm going
down the rabbit hole and the digital flea market where
half the staff or half the stuff is uh, is
just a waste of time, right, It was just your
mindless nonsense and all that stuff, and then the rest
(16:16):
of it is like, well, wait a minute, that's.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
You know, seems like a good idea.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
So I stumbled onto a story out of China. All right,
So I don't know how I found. This came up
in my feed and some guy in Shanghai says that
he made twenty three thousand dollars in one month. Now,
how did he make twenty three thousand dollars a month?
But one month? Was he selling acapuco gold? What was
(16:42):
he doing?
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Was he dealing fentanyl?
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Like?
Speaker 4 (16:48):
No?
Speaker 3 (16:48):
So he made twenty three thousand dollars in one month
watching cats, kiddy cats, yes, felines, five of them at
one point in one day.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
Now, I don't know about you.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
That sounds less like a job and more like the
opening of a horror movie. Shot from a drone zooming
in to an apartment on the thirteenth floor. And then
you go through the window on the drone and then
you look around and it's everything's disheveled, the person has bedraggled,
(17:28):
who's living there, And there's just the smell, just this
horrific scent and all that. The fifty five cats is
not just pet sitting, that's a feline convention.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
And personally, I can't join.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
The feline industrial complex even if I wanted to, and
the reason is a genetic pre existing condition.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
I'm allergic.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
You put me in a room with forget fifty five cats,
you put me in a room with three cats, and
I sound like foghorn, a leghorn, or a foghorn with bronchitis.
The story, though, it created a little bit of a
spark that the hamster was spinning on the hamster wheel
(18:13):
there because while I can't do cats, I can't.
Speaker 1 (18:16):
I'm allergic. Dogs are a whole different animal. As you
know cats and dogs.
Speaker 3 (18:21):
And as a listener to this fifth Hour podcast and
the Overnight Radio Carnival, you know about my pride and
enjoy Moxie, my English pulldog, the patron saint of laziness
who should never eat pumpkin again. Her daily schedules essentially
the life of Riley. She sleeps, she snores, she sleeps,
(18:44):
she farts, she sleeps, and you just repeat it. Now.
Occasionally she'll wake up extra to check out the food
items available that day that just magically appear, and maybe
get some water.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Now.
Speaker 3 (18:58):
The other day she yeah, you know, she was doing
her thing, and I was reading this story on my
phone and I said, you know what, this dog could
be management at my new startup. So let me talk
the bigger picture here, and I'm going to use this
platform that I have the fifth hour.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Oh, it's a platform. Everyone wants their platform. Well, we're
right in the eye of the tiger here, or the
eye of the dog. All right, the eye of the dog.
Speaker 3 (19:26):
So let's workshop this my latest michigas and here it is.
So somewhere along the way the dog, the dog stopped
being just a pet, became a four legged child with
trust funds. Especially in the really wealthy neighborhoods. Dogs now
(19:50):
have organic diets. I learned my lesson on that personal
trainers dogs have right, the daycare centers, birthday cakes, Instagram pages.
Some dogs live better than minor league baseball players, right,
And that's where that light bulb.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Went off right, not off, it went on.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
So you've heard this, I'm sure you've heard the same.
I've I've heard urban legends about guys walking dogs. Dog
walkers making crazy money. He said, Wow, it's only twenty,
but well, I'm more than thirty forty to fifty dollars
for a premium stroll around the block. You multiply that
(20:33):
by a few dogs a day, and suddenly you're running
a small economy powered entirely by tennis, boss and milk bones.
Now add one key ingredient, and I have an advantage.
I have an ace in the hole my schedule doing
overnight radio, working the graveyard shift. That means when the
(20:56):
normal nine to five crowd is working the day shift,
stuck in meetings pretending to care about some boring PowerPoint presentation.
I am available. I could walk your dog, I could
dog sit. I am available to provide what the modern
economy calls the canine companionship services, which sounds fancy but
(21:21):
really means just hang out with the dog.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
While its owner is at work. I'll think about it,
think about where this could go.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
Right, You drop your dog off at the mallor mansion,
the mallard dog watching package guarantees you.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Here's what I guarantee you. All Right, I'm gonna walk
your dog if you want. If your dog doesn't want
to walk, I want walk. But if you want me
to walk your dog, I'll walk your walk. I'll walk
your dog.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
I'll give you some couch time, little cuddles, little sunshine,
right bulldog roommate who snores like a diesel truck or
hollering James and I would get paid to do something
I'm already doing anyway. And this is the gig economy, right,
You gotta have a lot of gigs. The gig economy
version of finding an extra thirty dollars in year old
(22:05):
winter coat. And they're like, oh, that's kind of cool.
That's pretty cool. Now here's the real genius of this operation.
I'm not gonna upset anyone. Moxie doesn't care. You know,
there's some dogs that are very territorial. They're called bitches.
They just won't stop barking and there they just want
to protect their their territory.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
And that's the life's mission.
Speaker 4 (22:29):
That's not Moxie. That's not Moxie, my pal, Moxie.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
I'm telling you could bring another dog a heala monster,
a mildly confused draft, and a couple of clowns, and
she'd react the same way.
Speaker 1 (22:49):
She wouldn't move.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
She maybe opens up half of one eye, She foggily
examines what's going on, and then the eye and says
that's it.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
I'm done, goes back to sleep. I can't handle this.
Speaker 3 (23:08):
And occasionally she will release a loud, rumbly tumbly fart
that will clear the room out like a tear gas
grenade was tossed in there. Aside from that, outstanding coworker,
low maintenance, no drama, and she'd pretty much fit in
(23:32):
at any corporate board meeting. She's cut out for that.
And as far as the economics, you got to focus
on the rich.
Speaker 1 (23:40):
Neighborhoods, a right, rich neighbors.
Speaker 3 (23:41):
Those neighborhoods are filled with people who love their dogs.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
It's like a kid. I get it, I love my dog. However,
these people feel guilty because they're not home all day.
Speaker 4 (23:52):
And that is where we solve a problem. Making money
is all about solving problems. You got to find a
problem and a solution of the problem and you can
make money.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
So Mallard daytime dog concierge. We'll have to workshop that
more and change the name, but that would be the plan.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
And I'm not just a dog sitter. No, no, anybody
can be a dog sitter.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
No, no, no, that's like nineties, two thousands, early two thousands.
I am a canine lifestyle facilitator. I'm helping your dog
live a better life.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
You see how easy that is.
Speaker 3 (24:30):
You slap a little fancy title on something, it's easy,
and suddenly it sounds like a Silicon Valley startup, disrupting
the industrial complex of the doggie. The pet care space
has been invaded, developing hot.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Dot dot dot. Now the next thing you know, I've
got a logo of Moxie.
Speaker 3 (24:54):
I'll put her in some sunglasses and a tagline that
will read something along lines where dogs chill, all humans work. Now,
some of the packages that we would offer, the Milk
Bone Basic Plan one walk and a couple of belly rubs.
That's the basic plan. The Golden Retriever Executive Package, two walks.
(25:16):
You get couch privileges near Moxie, and you also get
to keep track off there's any squirrels in the backyard.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
You're on surveillance for the score which dog's loft. That's
not work. They love that.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
Now the Bulldog Deluxe Lounge experience is only napping and
farting with a couple of Scooby snacks mixed in. No
expectations that you will have to walk, You don't have
to open more than half an eye.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
You just have to keep breathing. That's it. That's all. Now.
Is this going to replace my overnight radio gig? Probably not?
Probably not.
Speaker 4 (25:55):
Here's the thing about the gig economy, the side hustle.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
They're like Doritos. You grab a couple of.
Speaker 3 (26:04):
Chips here, a little there, and before you realize what
has happened, you've eaten three bags of chips, which just
did a little bit, a little bit here, a little
bit there, three bags of chips. And if the radio bosses,
if these guys don't loosen the purse strings anytime soon,
who knows, Maybe the future. I used to say I
(26:26):
would work at Costco, give sports takes on a podcast,
late night monologues at the Mallard Dog Club. Do that instead?
Do that instead a place where wealthy dog owners drop
off their pets while they're at work. The bulldog is
(26:46):
gonna nap their Moxie, I get my ten thousand steps
walking the labradors around the neighborhood, and where the only
real workplace hazard is stepping on some chew toy in
the dark, all right now.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Meanwhile, somewhere in.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Shanghai, a guy is feeding fifty five cats and laughing
all the way to the bank, which tells you something
about the modern economy. The real money isn't always where
you think it is. When everyone's going one way, you
got to go the other way. Sometimes it's hiding in
the simplest possible place, right at the end of a leash,
(27:24):
right there. Yes, So, if you'll excuse me, Moxie, I
think she just rolled.
Speaker 4 (27:34):
Over there and she needs a belly rub, so clearly
she's trying to impress me. I think she's ready for
the executive chair on this new startup business that we're
going to have here, the Mallard Daytime Dog Concierge. On
that note, have a great rest of your Saturday, and
(27:56):
appreciate your supporting the podcast and all that.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
We'll have the mail bag on Sunday. Sunday Sunday. What
could possibly go wrong with that?
Speaker 3 (28:05):
Well?
Speaker 1 (28:06):
Catch you then, Aloha. I think I.
Speaker 4 (28:09):
Got all the key thing later Skater and oh yeah,
Austa pasta I gotta get.
Speaker 1 (28:16):
I got Austin.
Speaker 3 (28:16):
Okay, I've checked every single box, every single box.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Vopulation