July 17, 2026 • 37 mins
It was an epic night at MallerPalooza 2026, and now the circus has packed up, the lights have gone dark, and it's time for the official postgame show. Ben heads back into the remote podcast sweatshop to relive one of the wildest nights of the year on a brand-new episode of the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller. Every performance gets put under the Maller Microscope as Ben hands out bouquets, brickbats, and everything in between. Andrew in Bakersfield takes the audience to a full-blown religious revival, Slug goes completely bong bonkers, Kathy in Madison works her magic yet again, and Marcel in Brooklyn closes the curtain with enough hip-hop to make the walls shake.
Who soared? Who stumbled? Who completely went off the rails? Ben breaks down the biggest laughs, the memorable moments, the hidden gems, the surprise stars, and, of course, the glorious train wrecks that somehow made the show even better.
From the highs... to the lows... to the unforgettable "oh-no" moments that only happen on The Ben Maller Show, nothing escapes review. It's the behind-the-scenes recap that nobody asked for, and the after-party rolled into one. If you were part of MallerPalooza, participating or listening, you'll relive every minute. If you missed it, bad job by you, you'll finally understand why this has become one of the signature nights on the Ben Maller calendar. It's all waiting for you on the latest edition of the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller—because the show after the show is sometimes even crazier than the main event.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kabooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Mallor starts right now in.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
The air eywhere the Fifth Hour with me, Ben Malor
and you there were hanging out together.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
It is a early Friday, after another.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Full week of the the radio show. It is the
one hundred and ninety eighth day of the year. There
are just one hundred and sixty seven days to go.
That's it week number I believe it was week twenty nine.
I believe we celebrate National Peach ice Cream Day. You
can celebrate that for me and who invented peach ice cream? Well,
(01:04):
nobody knows for sure, although my favorite story about peach
ice cream goes back to actually fell down a rabbit hole.
I was trying to find out, well, who invented peach
ice cream? And said, well, it goes back to the
you know, the early days people would take fruit and
try to freeze it and all that. Anyway, one of
the earliest documented American recipes for peach ice cream came
(01:25):
from eighteen seventy seven.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
A woman named Mary Mallin was her name m A. L.
O n. And she was a.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Cook who made this peach ice cream for very wealthy families.
And she'd take different ingredients and chopped up the peaches
and ended up making freezing it making an ice cream.
And her method she took mashed right peaches, sweetening them
(01:58):
with sugar and whatnot, freezing them with cream and a
touch of cherie. And that was very popular. That woman,
though would not be known for her recipe. She didn't
invent peach ice cream, but she perfected it. Mary would
become much more famous by her gangster name Typhoid Mary. Yes,
(02:18):
Typhoid Mary, very big on the peach ice cream back
in the day. Now Peach melba, which is a ice
cream dessert with peaches and whatnot, that was invented later
on by a French chef at the Savoy Hotel in
London to honor some Australian soprano, as the legend goes.
(02:43):
It is also World Emoji Day. Today and I love emojis.
I use a lot of emojis on my phone, not
so much on my computer. On my phone and they're greats,
They're wonderful. They were first used in Japan in the
nineties on mobile phones and there.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Were just a couple of them, and over the years now.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
There are over three thousand, close to four thousand emojis,
close to four thousand emojis in the Unicode standard. And
my favorite part of the emoji story, and this is
another thing I discovered a fun fact if you will,
for Alf the Alien, Opiner and ferg Dog and malaprop guy, the.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Root of emojis. The root of emojis.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
The yellow smiley face of the nineteen sixties and seventies.
That was a gentleman named Harvey Ball. Have a ball now.
Harvey Ball is the guy that came up with that.
He created the smiley face in nineteen sixty three. Harvey Ball,
a commercial artist from.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
You know where.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
This guy was the guy that created the yellow face
which became the most popular emoji.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
That would be Worcester, Yes, Worcester, Massachusetts.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Where we had the malor meet and greet that we
did a few months back.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
With all the legends that showed up.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Matt Kay was there, Danny de Vito, we had our
buddy from the Cape that came over. Andre and Alf
was there, and so many. It was just a wonderful
a wonderful time. And many people I'm not mentioning right
now who are.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Like, what about me, ahole, you didn't mention my name?
What about me? Okay? I know you were there, Thank
you all right now.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Emojis were technically first created by a Japanese designer in
nineteen ninety nine who was inspired by emoticons used in
chat rooms. And it is true if you go around
the world, emojis are breaking linguistic boundaries. It's been described
(05:00):
is a universal language that you can have global interaction
if you can figure out.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
What the emojis mean. So there is that. It is
yellow Pig day. I don't have anything on that.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Today is the anniversary of Disneyland, opened in nineteen fifty
five for Walt Disney.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
On this day, it is also.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
David Hasselhoff's birthday, the Baywatch star for many. For me,
he was night writer and The Harvard School of Dentistry
became the first dental school in the US in eighteen
sixty seven. And oh, by the way, it is my
wedding anniversary today and I am doing a podcast.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
So what a world? What a world? Enough of that,
let's get to the main event. Main event. Oh what
a night. It was a couple of nights ago.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Every year, when the Malard Palooza rolls out, I become
convinced that we've finally done it.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
We've finally done it.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
We've pushed our luck too far, We've tempted the overnight
radio gods. We've built up expectations so ridiculously high that
there is absolutely no way we can possibly clear the bar.
This happens literally every year around this time, and every
year I tell myself to listen, Ben, this is the one.
(06:23):
This is where it all falls apart. This is where
we f up. This is where the circus tent catches fire,
and it's not good.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
This is where we're.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
Exposed as frauds, someone that doesn't have any talented listeners.
And yet we've been able to convince thousands of sleep
deprived lunatics to stay awake for what is essentially a
talent show held together by duct tape and some cheap
glue and bad judgment. And yet every year, you idiots.
(06:54):
I say that lovingly. You somehow make it work. God
bless you your Mama Luke's you always.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Make it work.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
And the Wednesday into Thursday overnight spectacular somehow exceeded what
I think are pretty ridiculous expectations. We created a really
cool thing. A really, I didn't do it.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
You did it.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
And that bothers me because now now yet again, next year,
we have to top it. And that is future Ben's problem.
That is not current Ben's problem. That's future Ben's problem.
Present Ben. I'm still trying to recover, and it's been
a couple of days, my voice hanging on by duct
tape unless it's not.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
But the sleep schedule, which is not good.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Anyway, it already resembles a hostage negotiation. It's become even
more complicated now my dog has filed an official agreements.
Speaking of which, we have breaking news, breaking news on
the audio soap box, the Bully Pulpit. We have an
in studio, in studio audience for this edition the Fifth
(08:00):
Hour Podcast.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
I now present to you the Man, myth Dog Legend, Moxie.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
That's it and normally, if you have heard past episodes
of this podcast, you know that my dog Moxy guards
the couch like she's protecting Fort Knox or the Pentagon.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
She never leaves the little watch tower.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Sometimes she'll roll over on her side, and sometimes she'll
even land her back.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Give you the whole enchilada.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Last night, Moxie, she lumbered into the remote studio, parked
herself under my chair and immediately stuck her tongue out
and fell asleep, not metaphorically, actually asleep. Now the only
applause I received all night is the form of some
(08:57):
farting and occasionally snoring. That is love or possibly pity, possibly.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Pitty, and it could be interchangeable.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Right now, the after party for the Malor Palooza twenty
twenty six, by the way, completely.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Off the hook.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Not that I attended the after party was I was
doing my thing. Approximately six minutes after we signed off,
I said, I'm good, which is my version of partying,
taking a little time to lay down. Now we should
mention that the in studio audience for this fifth hour
podcast Moxie hanging out with us here, and it's very rare.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I want to stress it's very I mentioned she came
in here.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
She was part of the overnight show, and she's here now,
but the remote studio for Moxie. She treats it the
way most of us treat a CrossFit gym. She knows
it's there, she knows it exists, she just has no
interest in participating normally. As I said, she's in her
command center. She's on the sofa. She's the supreme commander
(10:04):
of the neighborhood surveillance. She also is on guard to
attack a vacuum, her mortal enemy, the vacuum.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And so anyways, it's.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Kind of cool that she lumbered over here into the
studio and she planted herself underneath and she fell asleep,
and she's kind of snoring through the thing, and it's just.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Kind of neat. It's kind of neat.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
And that's the same reactions some of you tell me
you have with my monologues. So, as far as the
Malord Palooz at twenty twenty six, it began with Andrew
in Bakersfield, California, batting lead off and in the number
one spot, and we went all the way to Massel
in Brooklyn closing the show, and it was in ouey, guey,
(10:48):
good time. This Malord poaluse at twenty twenty six was
organized chaos.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
And Jim McKay taught me when I was a kid.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
You don't know who that is because I'm old and
he's been gone for a while. But Jim McKay taught
me as a child. He said, the thrill of victory
the agony of defeat. Now, I've borrowed that philosophy over
the years because overnight radio it's not sports, it's stranger do.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Do do Do Do Do?
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Do Do Do doo?
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Spainning the globe for the human drama of the person
who probably should have gone to bed three or four
hours ago, deciding instead to make the life choice to
sing a parody song into their phone, and they purchased
that on like Prime Day or something. They said, listen,
this was a triumph. There was success. I should also
(11:43):
point out there was disaster, because they have to go
back the thriller victory, the agony of defeat.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
There was a secondhand embarrassment.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
There was unexpected genius, sometimes all in the same ninety
seconds or two minutes, with Andrew doing is thing, and
no safety net, no script, no guarantees any of this
would be any good, Just a collection of wonderfully strange
people connected by insomnia and some very questionable decisions, right
(12:15):
as we said, And so that's my demographic, that's our demographic.
And we had enough music to qualify for our own
streaming service. We could take on Spotify with all this
new music. We had enough comedy to qualify for comedy
club Chuckles that would go out of business within a
couple of weeks, enough technical difficulties to feed Gremlin's.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
For years, years and years and years and years.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
We had so many technical difficulties that we really shouldn't
have customer support here, and yet.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
It all kind of clicked. It all kind of clicked
like Legos.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
It felt like Motley Crue without Tommy Lee and Vince Neil,
which now that I think about it, probably increased the
odds of everyone surviving the overnight show. We still had
Home Sweet Home. We definitely had girls, girls girls. We
had Kathy and Madison Christy in Kansas, and we didn't
(13:09):
have a third.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Woman who entered.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
So I guess Loraina, who was one of our judges
for the festivities, and we think Motley Cruze called me
just doctor feel good for the Malapulusa. Although after hours
and hours, four hours of the Malaplosa. It's more likely
than not that I wasn't doctor feel good. I needed
a doctor now. One of the coolest moments came courtesy
of the United States Postal Service and Dorkko, the comedian
(13:34):
from Honolulu Aloha mahalo now. Dorko sent me a box
in the mail which has become one of my favorite collectibles,
the first ever Mallar Palooza twenty twenty six cap. And
I love memorabilia like this. I don't have all memorabil
but I love this Like people.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
What do you love it?
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Though?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's just what do you do?
Speaker 3 (13:55):
It's just gonna collect dust because every goofy little object
like this is it's a memory, it's a time capsule.
It tells a story. And this Malard Palooz at twenty
twenty six hat, I have it right next to my
Malar Man March, the Mallard Militia thing that we did
in Seattle in twenty nineteen. I was gifted a hat
(14:15):
from I think it was Tammy and Montana back then,
and I have that proudly displayed in my little trophy
thing here from different things we've picked up over the
years doing the radio show. So that hat Maller Palou's
at twenty to twenty six. It sits right there also
next to those stunning championship rings. The great mister Irrigation
from Houston has been so generous and so kind over
(14:35):
the years to make those rings for the Malard Militia.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
And someday years from now, many many years.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
From now, we hope when Western civilization has completely collapsed.
It's on its way right now, when Alf the Alien
opinter Fergdog and Malard prop Guy form Voltron and decide
to open up competing East Coast West Coast Malar museums.
One would be in Wooster and the other would be
in Fullerton, and this will be like the nineteen nineties
(15:03):
rap wars. They'll be fighting over this stuff either way.
The cap that I wore the other night will be
displayed under museum quality lighting. And eventually they'll open the
doors and children will ask, hey, Daddy, what is a
Mallard Palooza? And the dad will look at the mom
(15:26):
and they'll be flabbergasted and they'll say, I don't know,
we don't know. They'll kind of shrug their shoulders. Historians
will walk through that museum, the Mallard museum and they'll
be completely baffled as well. They'll not they'll nod right,
they'll shrug their shoulders as well. Admission will be cheap,
only going to charge fourteen ninety five for admission for adults.
(15:49):
Children under five will be three will be free or three.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
If you want.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And just like every ride now at every amusement park
I've been to, when you exit the museum, you have
to leave through the gift shop. That's mandatory, and you
can buy malar themed items. Will have the weed man,
hippie bong a hollering James whistle. When you whistle, it snores.
How about the no Stredenas fortune teller machine. That'll be
(16:17):
a big hit. Like Voltron instead of Vultron will have
no Stradinus wearing a Seattle Seahawks onesie. We'll have the
Robbie the Mariner fan, Robbie the Mariner Fan, Seattle Meriton Trident,
souvenir Tridents with Robbie's picture on it, and what else?
Speaker 1 (16:37):
The Mikey and.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Tucson bottle of Booze Whiskey Bourbon Vodka. Andrea the Astrologer
will have her Insider Map, the Astrology Insider of the cosmos.
Lucky Tony can have his own computer link to Lucky
(16:58):
Tony's wiki porn. That'll be big. How About a tickle
Me Angry bill where you pull the string on the
doll and he says something offensive. We can have that.
We can have the mark the full Name Guy soundboard.
Mark the full Name Guy soundboard.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
That'll be big. We go on and on here, on
and on. What a gift shop that will be.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
If you have any suggestions send them in in the comments.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Here as I post this on the various social media channels.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
The food court that of course only have Mallard food dishes,
the Mallard chicken fingers, we can do a wink and
a nod to my favorite dish from Canada. We can
have Nico's Kitchen of Poutine, my man Nico and Vancouver
who welcomed me to the world of Canadian, authentic Canadian poutine.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
That was great.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
Love that Stanley Park in Vancouver. I got to get
back to Vancouver at some point, back to the Malard Palooza,
back to the Malapoosa. So the cap from Dorko, thanks
again to Dark of the Hat, is a going to
be in my display case until it goes to that
Malary Museum, and I did post some pictures yesterday.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
I believe. I don't even know what day it is.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
I think it was yesterday on Facebook and Instagram, because
if you don't post something online, did it ever happen?
Social media the modern day scrap book a little louder, annoying, angrier,
depending on what platform you're on. So Dorco also submitted
what probably should have been our opening song, who Goofed
(18:33):
I've got to know? Of course we didn't play until
hour four. Bad job by us. The notes app on
my phone resembles the Dead Sea skulls after one of
these events, random observations, half finished thoughts, words that made
perfect sense at three in the morning and now look
like they were gibberish, written in some weird language trapped
(18:58):
in your genes in the back of the washing machine.
Bennett the comedian absolutely crushed it, absolutely crushed it. His
younger sister couldn't stay awake, which frankly made for an
even better story. Likely the smartest person in the family
there the sister. She passed out early. Bennett was bummed out.
(19:18):
He pivoted the one minute comedian as he had been
in years past. Now he became Beethoven and Mozart. We
had an overnight concert hall that broke out, and the
part about it, which was great. If you're listening, you
probably heard this. We could not stop laughing. I couldn't
(19:38):
stop and I was wondering whether his sister woke up
from peacefully sleeping and thought she'd accidentally wandered into Carnegie
Hall while Bennett was composing his own symphony, because he's, Oh,
my sister went to bed, she has to get up early.
And I got something for you, and they started playing
the piano. Blind Scott delivered one of his the therapeutic
(20:00):
musical sessions, equal parts music, original lyrics, Revenge. He managed
to work himself into a lather over what he believes
is his mortal enemy, Danny DeVito into the lyrics with.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
A body blow, body blow, body blow. Why did he
do that? I don't know. I have no idea. I
don't know. I stopped asking those kind of questions years ago.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
I know in Hollywood, Danny DeVito, the original Dandy Vito
probably sneezing and had no idea that he's catching some
friendly fire, some shrapnel from Blind Scott.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
There in Boston.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
Mentioned Andrew got the party started, and that was controversial
for the Mala militia. Some of you were like, this
is great, others of you were like, this is offensive.
He did a HIMN Jesus song, Welcome to the Tabernacle,
and if.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
You saw that coming, you're a liar. Nobody saw that coming.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
We thought we were hosting a talent show, got a
theological knuckleball. We expected comedy, and for a couple of
minutes we got a revival tent. And yeah, I was
expecting somebody to pass around a collection play probably weed man,
panhandling thunderstruck. Literally, Mike the Leprecahn wrote this down produced
(21:22):
a wonderful Cheers parody with Malard themed lyrics. Really good
writing by Mike the Leprecaun. You know you've made questionable
decisions when somebody rewrites the theme song to Cheers in
your honor, and it's great, Like sometimes everybody really does
know your name, especially if you've called the show seven
(21:43):
thousand times, Mike the Leprecaun. Actually it was really wonderful,
and I believe Mike the Leprecaun got screwed. And I
tell you this to your face, Mike Loraina, I don't
know what's going on with you too. She should have
given you a higher score. I thought Coop also could
have given you more points. It was really good. Eric
in Kansas, shocking for a recorded bit, smooth operator, great timing,
(22:09):
the jokes hit just right, the man understood rhythm. Kathy
and Madison are beloved. Heymona once again proved that the
last place you would think to find entertainment, you could
get a retirement home in sleepy Madison, Wisconsin. And these
(22:32):
retirement homes, I'm telling you, they produce some of the
great entertainers of our time.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Never underestimate a retiree.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
They've seen everything, they've done everything.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
They know. They're in the ninth inning.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
They're gonna go out with a grand Salami, and they
don't care what you think. They don't care what I think.
They have no shame in their game. And that's freedom.
That is Slug from Vegas was a wildcard entry, and
some say he supplied the most unique Mallard Palooza performance
(23:09):
imaginable as he ripped a bong on the show. We
had Supermarket Steve, who I thought was the most unique.
He somehow spelled well. He read the back. He read
the alphabet backwards, is what he did. You go a
b cd EFG. He went the other way, he said,
his dad taught him that. Now most of us struggle
(23:32):
reading it the right way. So there is that super market.
Steve said, you know, I'm gonna take the scenic crude
on Aisle seven. I'm gonna turn to the frozen section
of the back and then come back around.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
To the produce.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
Sean g gave us the ballaard of Benoit, A musical
tribute to Benoit Benjamin. Now there's a sentence I never
expected to spew out of my mouth on the malar
palooza Benoit. Many of you have no idea who that
is because he played long time ago. He played fifteen
seasons in the NBA. He was only good for about
(24:05):
half of one of those seasons, played with nine different teams,
mostly known for the Clippers, played with the team they
used to call the Sonics the super Sonics in Seattle,
the Lakers always. I got such a chuckle when the
Lakers ended up. He only played a handful of games
Benoit with the Lakers. But when Benoit went to the Lakers,
oh my god, that was so great. Shangee, I busted
the chops of those Laker guys.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
I let them have it.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
I did play with the nets Memphis, Milwaukee, Toronto, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Vancouver,
you name it. He was all over the place. He
even spent time with the Harlem Globetrotters. A remarkable talent,
legendary athletic gifts for Benoit the work ethic. Here's something
that will sum up the work ethic of Panoit Benjamin.
(24:50):
Let's just say, if Effort were frequent flyer miles, Benoit
would be walking everywhere because you wouldn't have enough. And
Dick Vital here's the story that sums up Benoit. So
Dick Vitale famously while Benoit, I think this was while
he was at Creighton. I'm still waiting for my Creighton
blue Jay hat from the Black Irishman.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
So Dick Vital absolutely buried. Banoit said he had.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Zero offensive attitude, zero defensive attitude zero. I gave him
a zero for mental attitude. Now you might say, well,
who cares about that? That's a commentator commentating think about
I know Dick vi Teal's old and he's had health problems,
he hasn't really worked much in years. But think about
how difficult that was. Dick Vital loves everybody. He's the
(25:38):
broadcasting equivalent of Mother Teresa. He could find sunshine in
the middle of a Cat five hurricane except Beanoit Benjamin.
Apparently even Saint Dick had limits, and so Sean's audio
unfortunately betrayed him a little bit. Technology is un defeated.
(26:00):
Every podcast has one sacrificial offering to the audio disruption gods.
This year it was Sean still his Banoit. I do
recommend the Banoit documentary. He tracked down Banoit Benjamin and
did a whole thing on YouTube, and you want to
fall down a rabbit hole? Check that out on YouTube,
(26:21):
The Ballad of Benoit. I believe that's what it's called
on there. Don't quote me on that, but how many
videos could there be about Panoit Benjamin?
Speaker 1 (26:27):
So check that out.
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Milkman Mike from Colorado attempted to land some jokes. Some
of them hit, some of them didn't. Surf for Todd
worked the room as you would expect from someone who's
done stand up comedy for decades. He also used an
offensive joke that didn't make.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
It on the air.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
You only heard that on the podcast. Because we did
not want to get in trouble with the powers that be.
Then there were the no shows every Malard Palooza. There's
some people that want to do it, say they're going
to do it, and don't do it. That's the drama
O rama. This year we had hollering James who said
(27:04):
I wanted, I wanted. He couldn't do it, weed Man, hippie,
I'd like to do that, Sure, didn't do it. Mikey
in Tucson who did call in. I believe he was
stonewalled by Kooper Loop. Nonetheless, three big names on the
show did not enter. Also, some of you were mentioning,
what was Jed who fled?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
'zact? Did Jed do something? No?
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Jed is on hiatus right now. We're renegotiating his financial situation.
So we've been able to pay Jed his wage, so
he has not been part of the show recently. We
hoped to raise some funds via GoFundMe to afford him.
His rate went up Jed who fled, so it's very
difficult to afford that anyway. Those were the three James,
(27:52):
weed Man, Mikey in Tucson, which is a reminder that
hurting radio listeners is roughly the equivalent of organizing cats,
getting them lined up, and then the surprise ending, and
oh what fun it was Marcel in Brooklyn. Now, Marcel
(28:13):
attempted to destroy the surprise on this a couple of
weeks ago. But I promise you, nobody, and I mean that,
nobody expected Marcel and Brooklyn to undergo a quantum leap
and turn himself into a legitimate hip hop performer. And
(28:36):
he did that via Jascoop and just Josh. Those two
entered what I can only describe as a Hogwarts type world,
a sorcerer's workshop, and they use wizardry or some really
good editing, and suddenly Marcel was flowing rhyming. It was
(28:59):
like a pair of ill to mention in the multiverse.
He was keeping the rhythm to.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
The Hip to the Hop.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Sugarhill Gang, that group that came up with to the
Hip to the Hop would have been very impressed, very
very impressed. The impossible had become possible. We were ready
to tear up the dance floor. And who had that
on their Bengo card? I didn't, absolutely not. I did
not have that on my Bengo card at all. Nobody
(29:27):
and this is why live radio remains undefeated. Now, some
of you think that was AI. From everything I've been
able to discover, as far as I know, there was
no AI used to make Marcel do his thing. Reality
is a much better comedy writer.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Than you, or me or anyone.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
And we also had bonus performances after the main event,
because apparently nobody wanted the party to end. We had
a few extra ones we tossed out there. I'll last
night here on the overnight well. A special appreciation, A
tip of the headphones to inca terror who yet again
(30:11):
killed it. Legitimately, classically trained musician, pianist like legit performed
all over the world, Russia, Europe, all of the different
countries in Europe, Australia, major theaters, just the real deal,
the real McCoy and bless his soul, he stayed awake
(30:32):
all night delivering witty commentary. He had some of the
funniest lines, some of the funniest lines, all night observations,
the one liners, the timing, just wonderful. Chef's kiss. I
thought Loreno was outstanding as well. She took some time
to write down some notes, legitimate notes, which is what
good judges do.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Who does that anymore? I don't even do that. Coople
Lope embraced the role as the party pooper. The villain.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Judging panel needs a little balance, good cop, bad cop,
sarcastic cop. I guess that would be that, or in
Kotara would be the sarcastic cop.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
And so we accomplished that. The mission was accomplished.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
The real MVPs, however, the real MVPs I thought, were
obviously the people that participated, the people who reacted in
real time, the P one listeners al ferg Dog Malaprop,
Russian Kid, Michael and Tulsa, o Ho, Texto, Trucker, Joe,
Eileen in San Francisco, Kathy and Madison, and everyone else.
(31:33):
The number one burner account that I'm forgetting countless others right,
countless others Truck or Joe, whose comments flew by faster
than I could read them. We didn't have really time
to spend much of that reading that. Trust me, bro,
I did see the comments, and even if they didn't
make it on the air, they came in a right
(31:58):
spot where it made me smile, right, and I did
the factor those in And now we go to the results.
Here the judges' scorecards. The judges' scorecards here because talent
talent shows create bottlenecks. Everybody ends up packed together. One
(32:20):
point separates five different acts, two points separates seven more.
It's kind of like airport security, and nobody kind of moves.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
It's slow. Milkman, Mike can't close the deal.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
Neil Andre and his love song to Loraina, Slug and
his bong, Surfer Todd and his jokes, Supermarket Steve and
his backwards alphabet, Bennett, the comedian, Sean g Kathy, Mike
the Leprechaun. Everyone was all clustered together. Then came Andrew.
Congratulations Andrew, you got eight points. You got a snowman.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Somebody had to finish last, and unfortunately.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
The the Jesus Song did not resonate with the judges
unfortunately did not. So that's life, that's radio. Now the
heavy hitters, Hey Ben, who are the heavy hitters? The
heavy hitters on my scorecard. I've got Eric in Kansas
with his comedy Ohio Al and Dick and Dayton a
(33:22):
song from the Mallard Meet and Greet, which so many
people got to hear for the first time, so we
included that.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Christy in Kansas. She's great. I love Christy.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
She calls in once a year for this and the
runaway winner among the studio judges Marcel in Brooklyn. So
if you had predicted that before that show began, that
Marcel would have been in this situation, I'd have asked
what medication you were taking.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
And so, anyway, we'll have the vote of the people.
That'll be up at some point here.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Maybe it's already up, I don't know, but we'll have
the vote of the people on X so check for that.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
At some point this weekend. You can vote for who
you think is.
Speaker 3 (34:08):
The top act out of the top four out of
the top four, and you can have writing votes and
all that. So but thank you, seriously, thank you. You know,
there were some people who were disappointed they didn't make
the show. I tried to warn you guys to get
a slot. I promoted it. I solicit slots are going quick,
(34:28):
they're filling up, and.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
You didn't take me seriously.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
And a bunch of people at the last minute we're like, hey,
I did something I would like to be part.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Well, that's not the way it works. You got to
you gotta make sure to reserve a spot and if
you didn't do that as bad job by you. So
some of you guys were angry.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
A few emails arrived with enough steam to power a locomotive.
I understand, I get it. You gotta pay attention. You
gotta pay attention, and so time remains undefeated.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
We have limited time. We had an ex a large.
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Load of World Cup commercials and those pay much better
than our friend Andrew doing hymns on the Mallard palooza,
so that's capitalism. We had Malard monologues that are mandated,
so you mix all that, the commercials, the monologue, the
clock management. We had about thirty minutes each hour to
(35:21):
squeeze in the acts. It's kind of like radio Tetris.
Kind of like radio Tetris, the pieces are falling from
the sky, you're trying to make them all fit before
everything stacks to the ceiling. And we managed to get
almost everyone on. And as I said, we had a
few spilled the into bonus time on the show last
(35:44):
night here into this morning, but nobody was forgotten intentionally.
The truth is simple. The show only works because you
make it better. And I'm just the ring leader. I'm
the carnival Barker, and I'm lucky enough to have the
microphone trying desperately to keep the elephants moving in the
right direction. And sometimes they listen, and sometimes they're very.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Stubborn and they don't either way. Either way, Again, what
a night.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
What a wonderfully, ridiculous, glorious, imperfect unexceptionally magical night it was.
We'll probably do it all over again next year, and
right around the All Star Game in July. In fact,
there will be no All Star Game. We could do
(36:35):
a whole week of the Mala Polloosa next year because
there's not gonna be any baseball, and so we'll have
a lot of extra time. And I'm gonna convince myself
it can't possibly live up to life. How about two
nights next year? If there's no Baseball'll make a deal
right now. Mark this down, and the people that keep
track of this stuff. If there's no baseball next summer,
(36:56):
we will have not one, but two nights of the Malapollu.
We'll go back to back and belly to belly on
the Malopaloosa. On that note, we're gonna get out. Have
a wonderful rest of your Friday. Here the seventeenth day
of July. We've got fresh pod all weekend, as we'll
crank up the pod machine yet again on the Saturday
(37:20):
show and then on the mail Bag on Sunday. Still
time to get some questions in for the mail.
Speaker 4 (37:24):
Bag, do that as soon as possible, as soon as possible,
and send it care of Reel fifth Hour at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
That's Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. And we
thank you, we thank you, we thank you, And as
Dick and Dayton would say, bye boy by boy,
Kabooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Mallor starts right now in.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
The air eywhere the Fifth Hour with me, Ben Malor
and you there were hanging out together.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
It is a early Friday, after another.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Full week of the the radio show. It is the
one hundred and ninety eighth day of the year. There
are just one hundred and sixty seven days to go.
That's it week number I believe it was week twenty nine.
I believe we celebrate National Peach ice Cream Day. You
can celebrate that for me and who invented peach ice cream? Well,
(01:04):
nobody knows for sure, although my favorite story about peach
ice cream goes back to actually fell down a rabbit hole.
I was trying to find out, well, who invented peach
ice cream? And said, well, it goes back to the
you know, the early days people would take fruit and
try to freeze it and all that. Anyway, one of
the earliest documented American recipes for peach ice cream came
(01:25):
from eighteen seventy seven.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
A woman named Mary Mallin was her name m A. L.
O n. And she was a.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
Cook who made this peach ice cream for very wealthy families.
And she'd take different ingredients and chopped up the peaches
and ended up making freezing it making an ice cream.
And her method she took mashed right peaches, sweetening them
(01:58):
with sugar and whatnot, freezing them with cream and a
touch of cherie. And that was very popular. That woman,
though would not be known for her recipe. She didn't
invent peach ice cream, but she perfected it. Mary would
become much more famous by her gangster name Typhoid Mary. Yes,
(02:18):
Typhoid Mary, very big on the peach ice cream back
in the day. Now Peach melba, which is a ice
cream dessert with peaches and whatnot, that was invented later
on by a French chef at the Savoy Hotel in
London to honor some Australian soprano, as the legend goes.
(02:43):
It is also World Emoji Day. Today and I love emojis.
I use a lot of emojis on my phone, not
so much on my computer. On my phone and they're greats,
They're wonderful. They were first used in Japan in the
nineties on mobile phones and there.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Were just a couple of them, and over the years now.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
There are over three thousand, close to four thousand emojis,
close to four thousand emojis in the Unicode standard. And
my favorite part of the emoji story, and this is
another thing I discovered a fun fact if you will,
for Alf the Alien, Opiner and ferg Dog and malaprop guy, the.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Root of emojis. The root of emojis.
Speaker 3 (03:37):
The yellow smiley face of the nineteen sixties and seventies.
That was a gentleman named Harvey Ball. Have a ball now.
Harvey Ball is the guy that came up with that.
He created the smiley face in nineteen sixty three. Harvey Ball,
a commercial artist from.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
You know where.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
This guy was the guy that created the yellow face
which became the most popular emoji.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
That would be Worcester, Yes, Worcester, Massachusetts.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Where we had the malor meet and greet that we
did a few months back.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
With all the legends that showed up.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Matt Kay was there, Danny de Vito, we had our
buddy from the Cape that came over. Andre and Alf
was there, and so many. It was just a wonderful
a wonderful time. And many people I'm not mentioning right
now who are.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Like, what about me, ahole, you didn't mention my name?
What about me? Okay? I know you were there, Thank
you all right now.
Speaker 3 (04:38):
Emojis were technically first created by a Japanese designer in
nineteen ninety nine who was inspired by emoticons used in
chat rooms. And it is true if you go around
the world, emojis are breaking linguistic boundaries. It's been described
(05:00):
is a universal language that you can have global interaction
if you can figure out.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
What the emojis mean. So there is that. It is
yellow Pig day. I don't have anything on that.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Today is the anniversary of Disneyland, opened in nineteen fifty
five for Walt Disney.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
On this day, it is also.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
David Hasselhoff's birthday, the Baywatch star for many. For me,
he was night writer and The Harvard School of Dentistry
became the first dental school in the US in eighteen
sixty seven. And oh, by the way, it is my
wedding anniversary today and I am doing a podcast.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
So what a world? What a world? Enough of that,
let's get to the main event. Main event. Oh what
a night. It was a couple of nights ago.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
Every year, when the Malard Palooza rolls out, I become
convinced that we've finally done it.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
We've finally done it.
Speaker 3 (06:01):
We've pushed our luck too far, We've tempted the overnight
radio gods. We've built up expectations so ridiculously high that
there is absolutely no way we can possibly clear the bar.
This happens literally every year around this time, and every
year I tell myself to listen, Ben, this is the one.
(06:23):
This is where it all falls apart. This is where
we f up. This is where the circus tent catches fire,
and it's not good.
Speaker 1 (06:31):
This is where we're.
Speaker 3 (06:32):
Exposed as frauds, someone that doesn't have any talented listeners.
And yet we've been able to convince thousands of sleep
deprived lunatics to stay awake for what is essentially a
talent show held together by duct tape and some cheap
glue and bad judgment. And yet every year, you idiots.
(06:54):
I say that lovingly. You somehow make it work. God
bless you your Mama Luke's you always.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Make it work.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
And the Wednesday into Thursday overnight spectacular somehow exceeded what
I think are pretty ridiculous expectations. We created a really
cool thing. A really, I didn't do it.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
You did it.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
And that bothers me because now now yet again, next year,
we have to top it. And that is future Ben's problem.
That is not current Ben's problem. That's future Ben's problem.
Present Ben. I'm still trying to recover, and it's been
a couple of days, my voice hanging on by duct
tape unless it's not.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
But the sleep schedule, which is not good.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
Anyway, it already resembles a hostage negotiation. It's become even
more complicated now my dog has filed an official agreements.
Speaking of which, we have breaking news, breaking news on
the audio soap box, the Bully Pulpit. We have an
in studio, in studio audience for this edition the Fifth
(08:00):
Hour Podcast.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
I now present to you the Man, myth Dog Legend, Moxie.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
That's it and normally, if you have heard past episodes
of this podcast, you know that my dog Moxy guards
the couch like she's protecting Fort Knox or the Pentagon.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
She never leaves the little watch tower.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Sometimes she'll roll over on her side, and sometimes she'll
even land her back.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Give you the whole enchilada.
Speaker 3 (08:35):
Last night, Moxie, she lumbered into the remote studio, parked
herself under my chair and immediately stuck her tongue out
and fell asleep, not metaphorically, actually asleep. Now the only
applause I received all night is the form of some
(08:57):
farting and occasionally snoring. That is love or possibly pity, possibly.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Pitty, and it could be interchangeable.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
Right now, the after party for the Malor Palooza twenty
twenty six, by the way, completely.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Off the hook.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
Not that I attended the after party was I was
doing my thing. Approximately six minutes after we signed off,
I said, I'm good, which is my version of partying,
taking a little time to lay down. Now we should
mention that the in studio audience for this fifth hour
podcast Moxie hanging out with us here, and it's very rare.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I want to stress it's very I mentioned she came
in here.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
She was part of the overnight show, and she's here now,
but the remote studio for Moxie. She treats it the
way most of us treat a CrossFit gym. She knows
it's there, she knows it exists, she just has no
interest in participating normally. As I said, she's in her
command center. She's on the sofa. She's the supreme commander
(10:04):
of the neighborhood surveillance. She also is on guard to
attack a vacuum, her mortal enemy, the vacuum.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And so anyways, it's.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Kind of cool that she lumbered over here into the
studio and she planted herself underneath and she fell asleep,
and she's kind of snoring through the thing, and it's just.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
Kind of neat. It's kind of neat.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
And that's the same reactions some of you tell me
you have with my monologues. So, as far as the
Malord Palooz at twenty twenty six, it began with Andrew
in Bakersfield, California, batting lead off and in the number
one spot, and we went all the way to Massel
in Brooklyn closing the show, and it was in ouey, guey,
(10:48):
good time. This Malord poaluse at twenty twenty six was
organized chaos.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
And Jim McKay taught me when I was a kid.
Speaker 3 (10:56):
You don't know who that is because I'm old and
he's been gone for a while. But Jim McKay taught
me as a child. He said, the thrill of victory
the agony of defeat. Now, I've borrowed that philosophy over
the years because overnight radio it's not sports, it's stranger do.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Do do Do Do Do?
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Do Do Do doo?
Speaker 3 (11:19):
Spainning the globe for the human drama of the person
who probably should have gone to bed three or four
hours ago, deciding instead to make the life choice to
sing a parody song into their phone, and they purchased
that on like Prime Day or something. They said, listen,
this was a triumph. There was success. I should also
(11:43):
point out there was disaster, because they have to go
back the thriller victory, the agony of defeat.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
There was a secondhand embarrassment.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
There was unexpected genius, sometimes all in the same ninety
seconds or two minutes, with Andrew doing is thing, and
no safety net, no script, no guarantees any of this
would be any good, Just a collection of wonderfully strange
people connected by insomnia and some very questionable decisions, right
(12:15):
as we said, And so that's my demographic, that's our demographic.
And we had enough music to qualify for our own
streaming service. We could take on Spotify with all this
new music. We had enough comedy to qualify for comedy
club Chuckles that would go out of business within a
couple of weeks, enough technical difficulties to feed Gremlin's.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
For years, years and years and years and years.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
We had so many technical difficulties that we really shouldn't
have customer support here, and yet.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
It all kind of clicked. It all kind of clicked
like Legos.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
It felt like Motley Crue without Tommy Lee and Vince Neil,
which now that I think about it, probably increased the
odds of everyone surviving the overnight show. We still had
Home Sweet Home. We definitely had girls, girls girls. We
had Kathy and Madison Christy in Kansas, and we didn't
(13:09):
have a third.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Woman who entered.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
So I guess Loraina, who was one of our judges
for the festivities, and we think Motley Cruze called me
just doctor feel good for the Malapulusa. Although after hours
and hours, four hours of the Malaplosa. It's more likely
than not that I wasn't doctor feel good. I needed
a doctor now. One of the coolest moments came courtesy
of the United States Postal Service and Dorkko, the comedian
(13:34):
from Honolulu Aloha mahalo now. Dorko sent me a box
in the mail which has become one of my favorite collectibles,
the first ever Mallar Palooza twenty twenty six cap. And
I love memorabilia like this. I don't have all memorabil
but I love this Like people.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
What do you love it?
Speaker 2 (13:53):
Though?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's just what do you do?
Speaker 3 (13:55):
It's just gonna collect dust because every goofy little object
like this is it's a memory, it's a time capsule.
It tells a story. And this Malard Palooz at twenty
twenty six hat, I have it right next to my
Malar Man March, the Mallard Militia thing that we did
in Seattle in twenty nineteen. I was gifted a hat
(14:15):
from I think it was Tammy and Montana back then,
and I have that proudly displayed in my little trophy
thing here from different things we've picked up over the
years doing the radio show. So that hat Maller Palou's
at twenty to twenty six. It sits right there also
next to those stunning championship rings. The great mister Irrigation
from Houston has been so generous and so kind over
(14:35):
the years to make those rings for the Malard Militia.
Speaker 1 (14:39):
And someday years from now, many many years.
Speaker 3 (14:42):
From now, we hope when Western civilization has completely collapsed.
It's on its way right now, when Alf the Alien
opinter Fergdog and Malard prop Guy form Voltron and decide
to open up competing East Coast West Coast Malar museums.
One would be in Wooster and the other would be
in Fullerton, and this will be like the nineteen nineties
(15:03):
rap wars. They'll be fighting over this stuff either way.
The cap that I wore the other night will be
displayed under museum quality lighting. And eventually they'll open the
doors and children will ask, hey, Daddy, what is a
Mallard Palooza? And the dad will look at the mom
(15:26):
and they'll be flabbergasted and they'll say, I don't know,
we don't know. They'll kind of shrug their shoulders. Historians
will walk through that museum, the Mallard museum and they'll
be completely baffled as well. They'll not they'll nod right,
they'll shrug their shoulders as well. Admission will be cheap,
only going to charge fourteen ninety five for admission for adults.
(15:49):
Children under five will be three will be free or three.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
If you want.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And just like every ride now at every amusement park
I've been to, when you exit the museum, you have
to leave through the gift shop. That's mandatory, and you
can buy malar themed items. Will have the weed man,
hippie bong a hollering James whistle. When you whistle, it snores.
How about the no Stredenas fortune teller machine. That'll be
(16:17):
a big hit. Like Voltron instead of Vultron will have
no Stradinus wearing a Seattle Seahawks onesie. We'll have the
Robbie the Mariner fan, Robbie the Mariner Fan, Seattle Meriton Trident,
souvenir Tridents with Robbie's picture on it, and what else?
Speaker 1 (16:37):
The Mikey and.
Speaker 3 (16:38):
Tucson bottle of Booze Whiskey Bourbon Vodka. Andrea the Astrologer
will have her Insider Map, the Astrology Insider of the cosmos.
Lucky Tony can have his own computer link to Lucky
(16:58):
Tony's wiki porn. That'll be big. How About a tickle
Me Angry bill where you pull the string on the
doll and he says something offensive. We can have that.
We can have the mark the full Name Guy soundboard.
Mark the full Name Guy soundboard.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
That'll be big. We go on and on here, on
and on. What a gift shop that will be.
Speaker 3 (17:21):
If you have any suggestions send them in in the comments.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Here as I post this on the various social media channels.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
The food court that of course only have Mallard food dishes,
the Mallard chicken fingers, we can do a wink and
a nod to my favorite dish from Canada. We can
have Nico's Kitchen of Poutine, my man Nico and Vancouver
who welcomed me to the world of Canadian, authentic Canadian poutine.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
That was great.
Speaker 3 (17:47):
Love that Stanley Park in Vancouver. I got to get
back to Vancouver at some point, back to the Malard Palooza,
back to the Malapoosa. So the cap from Dorko, thanks
again to Dark of the Hat, is a going to
be in my display case until it goes to that
Malary Museum, and I did post some pictures yesterday.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
I believe. I don't even know what day it is.
Speaker 3 (18:10):
I think it was yesterday on Facebook and Instagram, because
if you don't post something online, did it ever happen?
Social media the modern day scrap book a little louder, annoying, angrier,
depending on what platform you're on. So Dorco also submitted
what probably should have been our opening song, who Goofed
(18:33):
I've got to know? Of course we didn't play until
hour four. Bad job by us. The notes app on
my phone resembles the Dead Sea skulls after one of
these events, random observations, half finished thoughts, words that made
perfect sense at three in the morning and now look
like they were gibberish, written in some weird language trapped
(18:58):
in your genes in the back of the washing machine.
Bennett the comedian absolutely crushed it, absolutely crushed it. His
younger sister couldn't stay awake, which frankly made for an
even better story. Likely the smartest person in the family
there the sister. She passed out early. Bennett was bummed out.
(19:18):
He pivoted the one minute comedian as he had been
in years past. Now he became Beethoven and Mozart. We
had an overnight concert hall that broke out, and the
part about it, which was great. If you're listening, you
probably heard this. We could not stop laughing. I couldn't
(19:38):
stop and I was wondering whether his sister woke up
from peacefully sleeping and thought she'd accidentally wandered into Carnegie
Hall while Bennett was composing his own symphony, because he's, Oh,
my sister went to bed, she has to get up early.
And I got something for you, and they started playing
the piano. Blind Scott delivered one of his the therapeutic
(20:00):
musical sessions, equal parts music, original lyrics, Revenge. He managed
to work himself into a lather over what he believes
is his mortal enemy, Danny DeVito into the lyrics with.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
A body blow, body blow, body blow. Why did he
do that? I don't know. I have no idea. I
don't know. I stopped asking those kind of questions years ago.
Speaker 3 (20:25):
I know in Hollywood, Danny DeVito, the original Dandy Vito
probably sneezing and had no idea that he's catching some
friendly fire, some shrapnel from Blind Scott.
Speaker 1 (20:37):
There in Boston.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
Mentioned Andrew got the party started, and that was controversial
for the Mala militia. Some of you were like, this
is great, others of you were like, this is offensive.
He did a HIMN Jesus song, Welcome to the Tabernacle,
and if.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
You saw that coming, you're a liar. Nobody saw that coming.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
We thought we were hosting a talent show, got a
theological knuckleball. We expected comedy, and for a couple of
minutes we got a revival tent. And yeah, I was
expecting somebody to pass around a collection play probably weed man,
panhandling thunderstruck. Literally, Mike the Leprecahn wrote this down produced
(21:22):
a wonderful Cheers parody with Malard themed lyrics. Really good
writing by Mike the Leprecaun. You know you've made questionable
decisions when somebody rewrites the theme song to Cheers in
your honor, and it's great, Like sometimes everybody really does
know your name, especially if you've called the show seven
(21:43):
thousand times, Mike the Leprecaun. Actually it was really wonderful,
and I believe Mike the Leprecaun got screwed. And I
tell you this to your face, Mike Loraina, I don't
know what's going on with you too. She should have
given you a higher score. I thought Coop also could
have given you more points. It was really good. Eric
in Kansas, shocking for a recorded bit, smooth operator, great timing,
(22:09):
the jokes hit just right, the man understood rhythm. Kathy
and Madison are beloved. Heymona once again proved that the
last place you would think to find entertainment, you could
get a retirement home in sleepy Madison, Wisconsin. And these
(22:32):
retirement homes, I'm telling you, they produce some of the
great entertainers of our time.
Speaker 1 (22:38):
Never underestimate a retiree.
Speaker 3 (22:41):
They've seen everything, they've done everything.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
They know. They're in the ninth inning.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
They're gonna go out with a grand Salami, and they
don't care what you think. They don't care what I think.
They have no shame in their game. And that's freedom.
That is Slug from Vegas was a wildcard entry, and
some say he supplied the most unique Mallard Palooza performance
(23:09):
imaginable as he ripped a bong on the show. We
had Supermarket Steve, who I thought was the most unique.
He somehow spelled well. He read the back. He read
the alphabet backwards, is what he did. You go a
b cd EFG. He went the other way, he said,
his dad taught him that. Now most of us struggle
(23:32):
reading it the right way. So there is that super market.
Steve said, you know, I'm gonna take the scenic crude
on Aisle seven. I'm gonna turn to the frozen section
of the back and then come back around.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
To the produce.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
Sean g gave us the ballaard of Benoit, A musical
tribute to Benoit Benjamin. Now there's a sentence I never
expected to spew out of my mouth on the malar
palooza Benoit. Many of you have no idea who that
is because he played long time ago. He played fifteen
seasons in the NBA. He was only good for about
(24:05):
half of one of those seasons, played with nine different teams,
mostly known for the Clippers, played with the team they
used to call the Sonics the super Sonics in Seattle,
the Lakers always. I got such a chuckle when the
Lakers ended up. He only played a handful of games
Benoit with the Lakers. But when Benoit went to the Lakers,
oh my god, that was so great. Shangee, I busted
the chops of those Laker guys.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
I let them have it.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
I did play with the nets Memphis, Milwaukee, Toronto, Philadelphia, Cleveland, Vancouver,
you name it. He was all over the place. He
even spent time with the Harlem Globetrotters. A remarkable talent,
legendary athletic gifts for Benoit the work ethic. Here's something
that will sum up the work ethic of Panoit Benjamin.
(24:50):
Let's just say, if Effort were frequent flyer miles, Benoit
would be walking everywhere because you wouldn't have enough. And
Dick Vital here's the story that sums up Benoit. So
Dick Vitale famously while Benoit, I think this was while
he was at Creighton. I'm still waiting for my Creighton
blue Jay hat from the Black Irishman.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
So Dick Vital absolutely buried. Banoit said he had.
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Zero offensive attitude, zero defensive attitude zero. I gave him
a zero for mental attitude. Now you might say, well,
who cares about that? That's a commentator commentating think about
I know Dick vi Teal's old and he's had health problems,
he hasn't really worked much in years. But think about
how difficult that was. Dick Vital loves everybody. He's the
(25:38):
broadcasting equivalent of Mother Teresa. He could find sunshine in
the middle of a Cat five hurricane except Beanoit Benjamin.
Apparently even Saint Dick had limits, and so Sean's audio
unfortunately betrayed him a little bit. Technology is un defeated.
(26:00):
Every podcast has one sacrificial offering to the audio disruption gods.
This year it was Sean still his Banoit. I do
recommend the Banoit documentary. He tracked down Banoit Benjamin and
did a whole thing on YouTube, and you want to
fall down a rabbit hole? Check that out on YouTube,
(26:21):
The Ballad of Benoit. I believe that's what it's called
on there. Don't quote me on that, but how many
videos could there be about Panoit Benjamin?
Speaker 1 (26:27):
So check that out.
Speaker 3 (26:28):
Milkman Mike from Colorado attempted to land some jokes. Some
of them hit, some of them didn't. Surf for Todd
worked the room as you would expect from someone who's
done stand up comedy for decades. He also used an
offensive joke that didn't make.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
It on the air.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
You only heard that on the podcast. Because we did
not want to get in trouble with the powers that be.
Then there were the no shows every Malard Palooza. There's
some people that want to do it, say they're going
to do it, and don't do it. That's the drama
O rama. This year we had hollering James who said
(27:04):
I wanted, I wanted. He couldn't do it, weed Man, hippie,
I'd like to do that, Sure, didn't do it. Mikey
in Tucson who did call in. I believe he was
stonewalled by Kooper Loop. Nonetheless, three big names on the
show did not enter. Also, some of you were mentioning,
what was Jed who fled?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
'zact? Did Jed do something? No?
Speaker 3 (27:27):
Jed is on hiatus right now. We're renegotiating his financial situation.
So we've been able to pay Jed his wage, so
he has not been part of the show recently. We
hoped to raise some funds via GoFundMe to afford him.
His rate went up Jed who fled, so it's very
difficult to afford that anyway. Those were the three James,
(27:52):
weed Man, Mikey in Tucson, which is a reminder that
hurting radio listeners is roughly the equivalent of organizing cats,
getting them lined up, and then the surprise ending, and
oh what fun it was Marcel in Brooklyn. Now, Marcel
(28:13):
attempted to destroy the surprise on this a couple of
weeks ago. But I promise you, nobody, and I mean that,
nobody expected Marcel and Brooklyn to undergo a quantum leap
and turn himself into a legitimate hip hop performer. And
(28:36):
he did that via Jascoop and just Josh. Those two
entered what I can only describe as a Hogwarts type world,
a sorcerer's workshop, and they use wizardry or some really
good editing, and suddenly Marcel was flowing rhyming. It was
(28:59):
like a pair of ill to mention in the multiverse.
He was keeping the rhythm to.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
The Hip to the Hop.
Speaker 3 (29:05):
Sugarhill Gang, that group that came up with to the
Hip to the Hop would have been very impressed, very
very impressed. The impossible had become possible. We were ready
to tear up the dance floor. And who had that
on their Bengo card? I didn't, absolutely not. I did
not have that on my Bengo card at all. Nobody
(29:27):
and this is why live radio remains undefeated. Now, some
of you think that was AI. From everything I've been
able to discover, as far as I know, there was
no AI used to make Marcel do his thing. Reality
is a much better comedy writer.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Than you, or me or anyone.
Speaker 3 (29:50):
And we also had bonus performances after the main event,
because apparently nobody wanted the party to end. We had
a few extra ones we tossed out there. I'll last
night here on the overnight well. A special appreciation, A
tip of the headphones to inca terror who yet again
(30:11):
killed it. Legitimately, classically trained musician, pianist like legit performed
all over the world, Russia, Europe, all of the different
countries in Europe, Australia, major theaters, just the real deal,
the real McCoy and bless his soul, he stayed awake
(30:32):
all night delivering witty commentary. He had some of the
funniest lines, some of the funniest lines, all night observations,
the one liners, the timing, just wonderful. Chef's kiss. I
thought Loreno was outstanding as well. She took some time
to write down some notes, legitimate notes, which is what
good judges do.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
Who does that anymore? I don't even do that. Coople
Lope embraced the role as the party pooper. The villain.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Judging panel needs a little balance, good cop, bad cop,
sarcastic cop. I guess that would be that, or in
Kotara would be the sarcastic cop.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
And so we accomplished that. The mission was accomplished.
Speaker 3 (31:11):
The real MVPs, however, the real MVPs I thought, were
obviously the people that participated, the people who reacted in
real time, the P one listeners al ferg Dog Malaprop,
Russian Kid, Michael and Tulsa, o Ho, Texto, Trucker, Joe,
Eileen in San Francisco, Kathy and Madison, and everyone else.
(31:33):
The number one burner account that I'm forgetting countless others right,
countless others Truck or Joe, whose comments flew by faster
than I could read them. We didn't have really time
to spend much of that reading that. Trust me, bro,
I did see the comments, and even if they didn't
make it on the air, they came in a right
(31:58):
spot where it made me smile, right, and I did
the factor those in And now we go to the results.
Here the judges' scorecards. The judges' scorecards here because talent
talent shows create bottlenecks. Everybody ends up packed together. One
(32:20):
point separates five different acts, two points separates seven more.
It's kind of like airport security, and nobody kind of moves.
Speaker 1 (32:28):
It's slow. Milkman, Mike can't close the deal.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
Neil Andre and his love song to Loraina, Slug and
his bong, Surfer Todd and his jokes, Supermarket Steve and
his backwards alphabet, Bennett, the comedian, Sean g Kathy, Mike
the Leprechaun. Everyone was all clustered together. Then came Andrew.
Congratulations Andrew, you got eight points. You got a snowman.
Speaker 1 (32:56):
Somebody had to finish last, and unfortunately.
Speaker 3 (32:59):
The the Jesus Song did not resonate with the judges
unfortunately did not. So that's life, that's radio. Now the
heavy hitters, Hey Ben, who are the heavy hitters? The
heavy hitters on my scorecard. I've got Eric in Kansas
with his comedy Ohio Al and Dick and Dayton a
(33:22):
song from the Mallard Meet and Greet, which so many
people got to hear for the first time, so we
included that.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Christy in Kansas. She's great. I love Christy.
Speaker 3 (33:32):
She calls in once a year for this and the
runaway winner among the studio judges Marcel in Brooklyn. So
if you had predicted that before that show began, that
Marcel would have been in this situation, I'd have asked
what medication you were taking.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
And so, anyway, we'll have the vote of the people.
That'll be up at some point here.
Speaker 3 (33:59):
Maybe it's already up, I don't know, but we'll have
the vote of the people on X so check for that.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
At some point this weekend. You can vote for who
you think is.
Speaker 3 (34:08):
The top act out of the top four out of
the top four, and you can have writing votes and
all that. So but thank you, seriously, thank you. You know,
there were some people who were disappointed they didn't make
the show. I tried to warn you guys to get
a slot. I promoted it. I solicit slots are going quick,
(34:28):
they're filling up, and.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
You didn't take me seriously.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
And a bunch of people at the last minute we're like, hey,
I did something I would like to be part.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
Well, that's not the way it works. You got to
you gotta make sure to reserve a spot and if
you didn't do that as bad job by you. So
some of you guys were angry.
Speaker 3 (34:46):
A few emails arrived with enough steam to power a locomotive.
I understand, I get it. You gotta pay attention. You
gotta pay attention, and so time remains undefeated.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
We have limited time. We had an ex a large.
Speaker 3 (35:01):
Load of World Cup commercials and those pay much better
than our friend Andrew doing hymns on the Mallard palooza,
so that's capitalism. We had Malard monologues that are mandated,
so you mix all that, the commercials, the monologue, the
clock management. We had about thirty minutes each hour to
(35:21):
squeeze in the acts. It's kind of like radio Tetris.
Kind of like radio Tetris, the pieces are falling from
the sky, you're trying to make them all fit before
everything stacks to the ceiling. And we managed to get
almost everyone on. And as I said, we had a
few spilled the into bonus time on the show last
(35:44):
night here into this morning, but nobody was forgotten intentionally.
The truth is simple. The show only works because you
make it better. And I'm just the ring leader. I'm
the carnival Barker, and I'm lucky enough to have the
microphone trying desperately to keep the elephants moving in the
right direction. And sometimes they listen, and sometimes they're very.
Speaker 1 (36:11):
Stubborn and they don't either way. Either way, Again, what
a night.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
What a wonderfully, ridiculous, glorious, imperfect unexceptionally magical night it was.
We'll probably do it all over again next year, and
right around the All Star Game in July. In fact,
there will be no All Star Game. We could do
(36:35):
a whole week of the Mala Polloosa next year because
there's not gonna be any baseball, and so we'll have
a lot of extra time. And I'm gonna convince myself
it can't possibly live up to life. How about two
nights next year? If there's no Baseball'll make a deal
right now. Mark this down, and the people that keep
track of this stuff. If there's no baseball next summer,
(36:56):
we will have not one, but two nights of the Malapollu.
We'll go back to back and belly to belly on
the Malopaloosa. On that note, we're gonna get out. Have
a wonderful rest of your Friday. Here the seventeenth day
of July. We've got fresh pod all weekend, as we'll
crank up the pod machine yet again on the Saturday
(37:20):
show and then on the mail Bag on Sunday. Still
time to get some questions in for the mail.
Speaker 4 (37:24):
Bag, do that as soon as possible, as soon as possible,
and send it care of Reel fifth Hour at gmail
dot com.
Speaker 3 (37:34):
That's Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com. And we
thank you, we thank you, we thank you, And as
Dick and Dayton would say, bye boy by boy,
Host
Ben Maller
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