December 6, 2025 • 29 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G.) has a great Saturday podcast for you! Ben Maller returns with a machete, a mission, and a Mallerism that turned around and bit him like a junkyard chihuahua.
Today's edition, Benny takes a hacksaw to your Honey Do List, chopping it down to size with the precision of a man who’s been burned one too many times by his own vocabulary. Yes—the Mallerism bites back, and Ben tells the tale of how one of his signature sayings turned into a self-inflicted booby trap worthy of a silent-film pratfall.Speaking of pratfalls… For the first time ever, Ben shares the never-before-told story of how he became a modern-day Charlie Chaplin, juggling groceries like a slapstick icon in The Great Bag Shakedown—California edition. No bags, no mercy, no shame… just Maller stumbling through the supermarket gauntlet armed only with principle and two overworked hands.
Download, subscribe, and laugh at Ben’s pain—he insists.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kabooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, it's clearinghouse of
hot takes. Break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mahller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
In the air everywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio.
A Happy Saturday. Oh what a day it is today?
Holy can only a.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Big cottage football day? It is championship Saturday. You already
knew that.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Am I excited to watch the Conference USA championship game
in Jacksonville, Alabama between in Jacksonville State and Kennesaw State. No,
there's two games that I have circled today and can
you guess which two games I have circle? Now you
might be hearing this podcast after these games have been played,
(01:15):
So take this for what it's worth. But Alabama and
Georgia Georgia Georgia A. What are the two and a
half point favorite? I think something like that against Alabama
And that's in Atlanta, the SEC Championship game, which is
four o'clock Eastern today one o'clock I believe in the West.
And then the Granddaddy of them all from Lucas Oil
(01:39):
Stadium in Indianapolis. Last time I was in Indianapolis, the
Colts played at the RCA Dome. Have not been to
Lucas Oil Stadium, but in Indianapolis there the Hoosiers.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
It's like a home game Indiana.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
That's a basketball school in Ohio State, the Big Bad
Buck guys in Ohio State.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
A four point favorite in that game.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
And that is the game that I have circled along
with Georgia and Alabama.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
So look forward to watching those games.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
And the cool thing about it is that I don't
have any you know, inside friendship with anybody. I just
want to watch the game and enjoy the game. And
will I put some bets down? Maybe I will, maybe
I won't. I don't know yet.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I'll handicap the game.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
A little bit later, both games and see what happens
on this podcast we have when the Malarism bites back
and the Great bag Shakedown. Yes, all right, we're gonna
begin with this, so uh, you know, I want to
have some fun here. I want to enjoy things, and
this podcast over the last couple of months has just
become a weekly update on me injuring myself. It's just
(02:43):
such a klutz and it happened yet again. So there
are people in the world who trained for marathons. I
think these people are nuts, but they go on twenty
six point two miles. My brother, my older brother did
that for years, ran the New York Marathon and they got,
you know, knees made out of titanium, lungs built like
wind tunnels. There are people who climb mountains, real mountains
(03:04):
like Mount Everest, Kilimanjaro, and even those fake icelandic ones
influencers pose in front of and all that. And then
there are the rest of us navigating something far more dangerous,
the silverware drawer in your kitchen. So this past week
I discovered a simple truth and I got burned by
(03:27):
my own words. Burned by my own words. So there
are some phrases. We call them malarisms that well.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
That's what people have told me. I didn't come up
with that term, but some of you knuckleheads have said that.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
One of them that I use when a washed up play,
I'll give you an example. Darius Sleigh this week was
fired by the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was picked up on
waivers by Buffalo, so is Brandon Cooks, and he came
over from the Saints. He asked to be fired, and
he went to Buffalo. And Darius Slaye never reported least
(04:05):
that I even showed up whatever he said. He was
contemplating retirement. And so the term we would use is
don't catch a falling knife. Don't try to catch a
falling knife, and it has come back to bite me
like a rabid raccoon in the moonlight. So the saying originally,
which was borrowed from the people on Wall Street warning
(04:28):
investors about jumping into early buying a crashing stock, you
gotta wait.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Well, it works equally.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well for washed up football players, as we just laid out,
and apparently for yours truly sports talk radio host pretending
to be a part time dishwasher. I was bragging about
my dishwashing ability. And technically this was not while dishwashing,
this was the postgame show. It did not happen. I
was successfully able to clean off all the gunk, all
(05:00):
the dew hickeys that get on the food or the
food he gets on the plates. But after the overnight
shifted and so here I was very proud of my
Benny the dishwasher title I'm running on fumes is I'm
just setting the picture for you.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Eyes are glazed over. If you work overnight, you know
what it's like.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
My eyes are glazed like I'm at a crispy kream
on the curveyor belt and I'm just trying to put
the forks and the spoons.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Away after doing the dishes. I normally do the dishes.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
I wash the dishes and put them in the dishwasher
before the show, and then by the time I get
home from the studio, I can then put the dishes away.
And that's how it works. I'm letting you inside the
Malor mansion and so no parade, no ticker tape, no balloons,
just a middle aged man. I guess I'm older than
that now, going against gravity and gravity it turns out
(05:56):
wins every time. The cutlery began to drop as I
was putting it away, and I was like an outfielder
for the Giants of the Padres, or the Diamondbacks or
the Rockies, chasing a line drive hit by shoheo tani.
And it turned out it was windy, and my instincts
just kind of took over. I did the thing you
(06:19):
can't do at the time. You can't do it.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
What did I do? I lunged, I reached, which.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Would not have been a problem if I didn't give
you my amazing athletic ability, where I actually succeeded. The
cutlery began to drop, and I lunged, I reached, and
I got what I was trying to reach for, and
I then failed also, So I succeeded and failed.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
At the same moment. What are you talking about. You
can't succeed. It failed the same ball, but it makes money.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
So I succeeded in the fact that I prevented the
newly wake silverware from crashing to the dirty floor.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I was successful.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
I prevented that from happening, and in doing so, I
yet again sliced a large chunk of my thumb bloodshd
in the kitchen two point zero or three point oh
a culinary crime scene CSI dishwashing unit. It has happened again.
(07:30):
So this was not chopping onions. This is a whole
different animal. So an injury tent moment, without the athletic
trainer in sight, no blue medical pop up, no Bill
Belichick looking nearby asking about my thumb injury designation. This
was not the Michael Jordan flu game or the Kobe
(07:51):
food poisoning game. There was no violin music in the background,
just the gentle hum of the dishwasher, and that realization,
as it's happening in slow motion, that I am now
a three for three person when it comes to finger injuries,
(08:11):
both thumbs and an index finger the finger triple crown.
Instead of twiddling my thumbs, I am now slicing my
thumbs like deli meat at a bodega in Manhattan before
all the bodegas became weed shops. Back in the old days,
(08:31):
when I first went to New York, back on my day,
I went to Manhattan and visit my brother, and.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
I was like, oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
And there were bodegas with turkey sandwiches. Everywhere there was that,
and they were in Times Square. There were a lot
of peep shows, women dance and nudes, nudes, nudes and
all that, and now not so much. All right, But
it turns out the hardest job in America is not
quarterback in the NFL. It's it's not surgeon. It isn't
(09:03):
college football coach dealing with boosters breathing down your neck,
Nil divas and all that people with dragon breath trying
to get more money. Now, it turns out that for me,
performing simple household tasks while half asleep has got to
(09:23):
be the hardest job in America.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
It's just got to be.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
So let me tell you something. Dishwashing, as it turns out,
is not that easy. And you're dealing with very sharp
knives and forks that could stab your eye out and
all that stuff. I'm literally risking my life to put
the knife and fork away. And so and this is
(09:50):
not the quiet, polite chore that the sitcoms back in
the eighties and nineties made it out to be. In
many ways, it's a combat sport. This is the ui
See of domestic responsibility. And I'm a champion. Like you
don't hear Joe Rogan screaming about it, but he should.
He should have a little podcast. Oh my god, he's
(10:11):
going for the spachela. He's got no regard for his hands,
no regard. That's how it felt. One wrong move and
your thumb looks like it went twelve rounds with a
broken blender. Somewhere on the NFL injury list, there is
a space waiting for me. Benny the dishwasher, right thumb
(10:34):
listed as questionable day to day with stupidity capital s stupidity.
Now I have become a walking cautionary tail, a public
service announcement. And I used to be the king of
PSAs on the Overnight Show. But again, this job is
(10:56):
not as easy as it looks. And so it's a
reminder of another phrase that we use a lot. Sometimes
the upper balcony is empty, and that's my way of
saying that the mental gas tank was abandoned somewhere around
three in the morning and after the final monologue about
Pete Carroll or Lamar Jackson or some other sports owner
(11:17):
writing checks with other people's money. And yet the world
expects you to transition seamlessly from talk radio insomniac, just
a total lunatic, and to mourning homemaker, Penny the homemaker.
No stretching, no warm up, none of that, no wardrobe change,
(11:40):
no rehab assignment in triple A. There's no graphic that
flashes up coming up next. The morning chores sponsored by
Niasporren and the people that make band aids, Johnson and Johnson.
That should happen. There should be a household combine the
(12:00):
way the NFL does it. And we talked about this
with the Olympics, the domestic Olympics or whatever, where you're
doing these household chores. Forget bench press. Can you scrub
a pan without having it drop? Can you transfer leftovers
into tupperware without losing thirty percent to spillage? These are
(12:21):
serious problems you have to deal with. Can you unload
a dishwasher without slicing a finger and inventing a new
curse word. That's the real test of a person. So
give me a stop watch and I'll take whatever, and
I'll show you what an elite athlete is. I'm not
just a gas bag, okay. And injuries are part of sports.
(12:42):
And you know it's like Jason Tatum got hurt for
the Celtics. You're gonna bring him back next year. I
cut my fingers three different ways to Sunday, I'll be back.
And it all comes back to one phrase, don't catch
a falling knife.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
And I've used that hundreds of times to describe the
downward spiral of quarterbacks past their prime.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
The wide receiver that can't play anymore.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
The baseball pitchers lost three miles per hour and gained
five pounds around the waist. The coach clinging to a
playbook last updated in the year two thousand. Who's got
a young lady friend who wasn't even alive in the
year two thousand. It means don't overreact, okay, don't panic,
(13:31):
don't try to intervene in something that's already going south.
The phrase as we used it there, but in my
kitchen that phrase became prophecy and I ignored it. I
don't catch a falling knife. Wall Street uses it, Washington
uses it. We use it in sports radio. In my house,
(13:51):
the Malor Mansion, it became the medical file titled thumb
Incident number three, right thumb Incident number three.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
And it has been.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Said that doing radio is like shouting down an elevator
shaft hoping someone hears you. You never know who's out there.
It could be the biggest audience the want. There could
be like four people listening. You never know because it's
it's not where you're in the same room. And I
would add cleaning up the house after after doing the
(14:24):
radio shows, like tight roping.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
It's like you're tight roping across the Grand.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Canyon and you you've got the wrong socks on, and
you got a plastic fork and you're balancing a stick.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
I don't know why you're balancing a stick, but you
got a stick.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
That doesn't make a lot of sense if you're going
across the Grand Canyon and there's no applause, there's no trophy.
There's bandages, and there's a lot of them. So here
I am a man with I'm like Mordecai three fingers Brown.
I got three finger injuries as a baseball joke. Three
finger injuries, an empty upper balcony, and a respect for
(14:56):
the amount of damage a knife, a falling knife can
do at that velocity. And I am not twiddling my thumbs.
I am protecting them like they're the last seconds on
the game clock. And maybe that is the lesson in
all of this nonsense, that we're all one spoon drop
away from humility. Doesn't matter if you host a radio
(15:20):
show on six hundred radio stations or a backyard barbecue.
It doesn't matter whether you're paid to call football games
or wash football shaped plates. Gravity is gonna get you, right,
don't catch a falling knife, don't underestimate the silverware drawer,
(15:42):
the transition of passing the silverware putting it in the drawer,
don't try to rush it.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Just don't do it. Do not do it.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
And for the love of all that's holy, buy band
aids in bulk.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Go to Costco and buy a side of band aids.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
And I'll be back in the line up in the
kitchen soon, probably for next week's chores.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Thumb be willing, and so then that's that. That's that.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
Now turning the page to what I call the Great
bag Shakedown. That's right, my friends, gather around. It's another
story on the Fifth Hour podcast. Oh my god, yep,
another story. So let's talk about one of the great
nickel and dime hustles of our time. And no one
(16:30):
has the balls to say no to it. A con
so petty? How petty is it? So petty, so small minded,
so proudly wrapped in bureaucratic smugness. You'd think it was
crafted in a Sacramento think tank, powered by Kale smoothies
and virtue virtue signaling emojis. If you know what I'm
(16:54):
talking about I am discussing for a few minutes the
ten cent single use bag fee in the People's Republic
of California. It's ten cents, better known by its gangster name,
a dime. Then let me preface this by saying this
is not new. This ten cent tax has been around
for a while. It's a coin that barely registers on
(17:18):
the seismic scale of economics, and somehow has become the
line in the sand between free people and the nickel
and dimers who pretend they're saving the oceans one checkout
lane at a time. And I say this with every
ounce of conviction. And this came up on the radio
(17:38):
show I have left in my bagless hands. That is
the conviction I have. I am not paying it. I'm
not paying the bag fee. I'm not paying for it,
not now, not ever, Sam. I am why because, as
I explained, this is not a Doctor Seuss book. But
as I explained to Alf the alien ol Piner on
the radio show this week, this is not about the dime.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
It is about the principle.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
And he lives in a state where they also Nikolin Daimya,
it's about government that wants you to applaud while they
reach into your pocket like a silent film pickpocket and
a bowler's hat. And I want to paint the picture
for you. So I carry my groceries out of the
store with my own bear hands, Benny bare hands. Five
(18:26):
items or forty six out ofs it doesn't matter, And
I must look to people that don't know me, like
a modern day Charlie Chaplin. If you know early Hollywood,
the famous scene the pawn shop was the movie where
he's balancing drills, hammers, loose cables. It's the vaudevillian acrobat.
(18:49):
Or there was the Steve Martin planes, trans and automobiles.
Remember he was hauling luggage through the O'Hare airport in
the winter and all of his hands.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Were full and all that. Or you could go home alone.
The mom Catherine O'Hara and home alone.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Remember she was sprinting through the airport clutching all of
her bags, trying to trying to get everything there it
needed to be. And it's like me trying to escape
a hostage situation. And listen, I'm gonna keep doing it.
Why am I glutting for punishment? Probably so, probably so,
But the main reason is because I refuse to give
(19:25):
these plastic bag tax collectors a single red scent. I'm
not doing it. I'm sorry, not sorry, I'm not doing it.
This is the California paradox. It is a beautiful state,
amazing geography, oceans here, there, and everywhere. It's also a
(19:47):
state that thinks that you're too stupid, those that live here,
to handle your own shopping habits, yet just enlightened enough
to be guilt tripped into paying for the privilege of
carrying your own groceries out of the store. Now they
call this environmental stewardship is what they call it. I
(20:09):
call it government mandated perse snatching. They're literally pickpockets, is
what they are. And it drives me nuts. And listen,
if this were actually about the Earth, if this was
about it, it's the what's the word I'm looking for here?
I mean, think about human beings, the arrogance of it,
(20:29):
the smugness of human beings. If this were actually about
Mother Earth and it were truly about the oceans and
the wildlife and reducing waste, well, then the cost would
be built directly into the product.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Wouldn't that be the case? Wouldn't that make sense?
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Well, well, just it's like when I go to a
Mexican restaurant and I eat the chips and salsa and
it's given complimentary. I go to an Italian restaurant and
they put a loaf of bread, warm bread and butter
on the table. I know, Oh, it's not free, it's
baked into the price of the If I'm at a
Mexican restaurant, the tacos or an Aian restaurant, the fetccini
(21:09):
alfredo with the beautiful sauce and the little chicken pieces.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
In there and all that, so I know that going in.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
I know that going in, and yet here we are
and it's like, no, no, no, it's a we're not
gonna do it that way.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Nope, not not gonna do it. Sorry, not sorry. Then
why don't why don't you do it? Uh?
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Well, because it's quiet, efficient, invisible, like any real environmental
form worth its carbon footprint.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
But that's not what California does.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
California insists on the public shaming business model. A ding
ding ding ding ding to your dignity and your wallet,
a scarlet letter, B for bagless if you decline, and
a D for donor if you bend the knee and
cough up that dime, and the dime isn't the goal.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
I know what's going on. It's the guilt trip, That's
what it is. It's the guilt.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
And here's the I guess the punchline of all this,
the plastic bag waste. They've had this for a little
while now and they've done studies on it.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
You'd think, oh, this solved the problem. No it didn't.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Plastic bag waste did not plummet. Studies across multiple cities
around the around the United States where they have this
have shown people simply bought more trash bags to replace
the free ones they used to get. So, congratulations, California.
You solved absolutely nothing. And you are charging your residence
(22:47):
the people that pay your stupid salaries for the privilege
of that. And that's the way things roll in the
Golden State. The buocic what's the word I'm looking for,
the bureaucracy that turns common sense into compost and bills
bills you for the magic trick. And this is the
(23:08):
I know I'm going on a rant here, but this
is the kind of thinking that this relentless barrage of
petty mandates that sends people sprinting out of California trying
to get to Texas and Florida like they're fleeing Jurassic Park.
You know, it's like, we got to get out of here.
The stampedes of taxpayers galloping past the now leaving California side,
(23:34):
while overhead the state government waves lovingly with one hand
and reaches into the till with the other. And here's
the part we really pound the desk over California politicians,
these knuckleheads, these dingle bears, actually believe this is meaningful.
(23:54):
They believe that charging you a dime at checkout is
going to reverse the tides, cleanse the oceans, purify the skies,
and maybe even fix.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
The clippers who hate each other.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
It is the environmental equivalent to putting a band aid
on a volcanic eruption. It's the symbolism masquerading his policy.
And you know, I'm annoyed by anyone in sports who
does virtue signaling. And I pointed out all the time, well,
also in this world, same thing. It's people who want
(24:27):
credit for caring, not results. I really really care. And
the bag fee is the government's version of the TSA
making you take your shoes off. It doesn't actually solve
the problem. But boy, boy, does it make the rule
makers feel important? And now I can hear the critics
(24:48):
warm it up?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Right?
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Oh but Ben, it's just ten cents, And that, my friends,
is the lullaby the ruling political dopes sing as they
tuck your wallet into their backpack. It's boiling frog on one.
It starts out with the dime. Well that's not working.
(25:10):
Why don't we raise it to a quarter? Okay, that'll work.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
And now that doesn't work, how about fifty cents a bag?
Do I get that?
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Then it becomes a fee, and then it's a it's
a surcharge, and before long you're paying something called a
grocery transport Optimization compliance fee. Why not more red tape,
more bureaucracy, because someone in Sacramento, the state capitol of California,
dreamed it up at a wellness retreat while doing urine
(25:38):
therapy with Doc mic in Hawaii. And we know how
this works. They never stop charging, they just add these
Once these things come in, they're not going anywhere in
the grand opera of government overreach. The bag fee is
the piccolo. It's small shrimp, annoying, but it signals the
(26:02):
whole orchestra is tuning up for the big performance. And
so here I am just a struggling overnight gas bag,
marching proudly from the store to my car, from Trader
Joe's or wherever, juggling boxes of pasta, rotisserie, chickens, bell, pepper, garlic,
(26:24):
canned goods, laundry detergent.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
So I don't know why there's a watermelon. My wife
want a watermelon.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Like a circus act performed in the parking lot at
a Ralph's.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Or Trader Joe's or Vaughn's.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
These are the markets we have out here, and people stare,
people smirk, and some people, you know, some pity me,
some admire me. However, I will not bend. I am
a Taurus. I am stubborn. The astrology insider knows that
she knows I'm stubborn.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
I'm not gonna break.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
I won't buy the bag knocking to do that, because
California can go pound sand and they'll charge itself ten
cents for the shovel. In a world of petty fees
and performative solutions. In air quotes, sometimes the greatest act
of rebellion is carrying your groceries with your bare hands,
(27:16):
your unwashed, bare hands, standing tall and declaring that the
bureaucratic bag barons, these idiots can go away, no thanks.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
I brought my own, Yes I did.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
I brought my own, or I didn't bring any, and
I'm just going to carry that stuff out.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
And sometimes I have been told that.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
They always asked you want bags, and sometimes I'll say no,
and they don't hear me because I talk kind of
quiet when I have headphones on, and they'll give me
a bag and I don't want the bag. Well, the
food's already in the bag. And every once in a
while they'll give me a freebie. It's like a drug
peddler giving out free samples to try to hook you on.
And I have not even though I've been given bags.
(28:03):
I didn't pay for the bag. They didn't add the
ten cent sale charge or surcharge on that didn't do it.
Didn't do it, and that's it. And so I always say,
I know I'm good. I don't need the bag. If
they give me the bag, I might take it. And
that is how you fight the bag tax tyranny. You
have to go old school Hollywood, like Charlie Chaplin walking
(28:25):
carrying a bunch of junk, or Steve Martin stumbling, or
Catherine O'Hara sprinting through the airport. The silent majority will
rise again, I'm telling you, and they will carry their
groceries free of charge, free of charge until then.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
And I say hell Aelujah, hallelujah.
Speaker 3 (28:44):
That's what I say. I enjoy the college football today.
If you've already watched the college football or you're like
Lucky Tony who will be listening to this sometime in
twenty thirty three, have it just a wonderful day. May
all your bets be winning ones. Make sure to watch
any versus the Penny. Still time to watch the Sunday
Extravaganza on YouTube.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Great audience last week.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
We thank you guys for watching on demand, and we'll
catch you on the next edition.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
At the mail Bag, the mail Bag edition of the
Fifth Hour. We'll talk to you then by flation
Kabooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, it's clearinghouse of
hot takes. Break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mahller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
In the air everywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
The Fifth Hour with Me, Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio.
A Happy Saturday. Oh what a day it is today?
Holy can only a.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Big cottage football day? It is championship Saturday. You already
knew that.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Am I excited to watch the Conference USA championship game
in Jacksonville, Alabama between in Jacksonville State and Kennesaw State. No,
there's two games that I have circled today and can
you guess which two games I have circle? Now you
might be hearing this podcast after these games have been played,
(01:15):
So take this for what it's worth. But Alabama and
Georgia Georgia Georgia A. What are the two and a
half point favorite? I think something like that against Alabama
And that's in Atlanta, the SEC Championship game, which is
four o'clock Eastern today one o'clock I believe in the West.
And then the Granddaddy of them all from Lucas Oil
(01:39):
Stadium in Indianapolis. Last time I was in Indianapolis, the
Colts played at the RCA Dome. Have not been to
Lucas Oil Stadium, but in Indianapolis there the Hoosiers.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
It's like a home game Indiana.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
That's a basketball school in Ohio State, the Big Bad
Buck guys in Ohio State.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
A four point favorite in that game.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
And that is the game that I have circled along
with Georgia and Alabama.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
So look forward to watching those games.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
And the cool thing about it is that I don't
have any you know, inside friendship with anybody. I just
want to watch the game and enjoy the game. And
will I put some bets down? Maybe I will, maybe
I won't. I don't know yet.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
I'll handicap the game.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
A little bit later, both games and see what happens
on this podcast we have when the Malarism bites back
and the Great bag Shakedown. Yes, all right, we're gonna
begin with this, so uh, you know, I want to
have some fun here. I want to enjoy things, and
this podcast over the last couple of months has just
become a weekly update on me injuring myself. It's just
(02:43):
such a klutz and it happened yet again. So there
are people in the world who trained for marathons. I
think these people are nuts, but they go on twenty
six point two miles. My brother, my older brother did
that for years, ran the New York Marathon and they got,
you know, knees made out of titanium, lungs built like
wind tunnels. There are people who climb mountains, real mountains
(03:04):
like Mount Everest, Kilimanjaro, and even those fake icelandic ones
influencers pose in front of and all that. And then
there are the rest of us navigating something far more dangerous,
the silverware drawer in your kitchen. So this past week
I discovered a simple truth and I got burned by
(03:27):
my own words. Burned by my own words. So there
are some phrases. We call them malarisms that well.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
That's what people have told me. I didn't come up
with that term, but some of you knuckleheads have said that.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
One of them that I use when a washed up play,
I'll give you an example. Darius Sleigh this week was
fired by the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was picked up on
waivers by Buffalo, so is Brandon Cooks, and he came
over from the Saints. He asked to be fired, and
he went to Buffalo. And Darius Slaye never reported least
(04:05):
that I even showed up whatever he said. He was
contemplating retirement. And so the term we would use is
don't catch a falling knife. Don't try to catch a
falling knife, and it has come back to bite me
like a rabid raccoon in the moonlight. So the saying originally,
which was borrowed from the people on Wall Street warning
(04:28):
investors about jumping into early buying a crashing stock, you
gotta wait.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Well, it works equally.
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well for washed up football players, as we just laid out,
and apparently for yours truly sports talk radio host pretending
to be a part time dishwasher. I was bragging about
my dishwashing ability. And technically this was not while dishwashing,
this was the postgame show. It did not happen. I
was successfully able to clean off all the gunk, all
(05:00):
the dew hickeys that get on the food or the
food he gets on the plates. But after the overnight
shifted and so here I was very proud of my
Benny the dishwasher title I'm running on fumes is I'm
just setting the picture for you.
Speaker 1 (05:19):
Eyes are glazed over. If you work overnight, you know
what it's like.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
My eyes are glazed like I'm at a crispy kream
on the curveyor belt and I'm just trying to put
the forks and the spoons.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Away after doing the dishes. I normally do the dishes.
Speaker 3 (05:33):
I wash the dishes and put them in the dishwasher
before the show, and then by the time I get
home from the studio, I can then put the dishes away.
And that's how it works. I'm letting you inside the
Malor mansion and so no parade, no ticker tape, no balloons,
just a middle aged man. I guess I'm older than
that now, going against gravity and gravity it turns out
(05:56):
wins every time. The cutlery began to drop as I
was putting it away, and I was like an outfielder
for the Giants of the Padres, or the Diamondbacks or
the Rockies, chasing a line drive hit by shoheo tani.
And it turned out it was windy, and my instincts
just kind of took over. I did the thing you
(06:19):
can't do at the time. You can't do it.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
What did I do? I lunged, I reached, which.
Speaker 3 (06:26):
Would not have been a problem if I didn't give
you my amazing athletic ability, where I actually succeeded. The
cutlery began to drop, and I lunged, I reached, and
I got what I was trying to reach for, and
I then failed also, So I succeeded and failed.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
At the same moment. What are you talking about. You
can't succeed. It failed the same ball, but it makes money.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
So I succeeded in the fact that I prevented the
newly wake silverware from crashing to the dirty floor.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
I was successful.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
I prevented that from happening, and in doing so, I
yet again sliced a large chunk of my thumb bloodshd
in the kitchen two point zero or three point oh
a culinary crime scene CSI dishwashing unit. It has happened again.
(07:30):
So this was not chopping onions. This is a whole
different animal. So an injury tent moment, without the athletic
trainer in sight, no blue medical pop up, no Bill
Belichick looking nearby asking about my thumb injury designation. This
was not the Michael Jordan flu game or the Kobe
(07:51):
food poisoning game. There was no violin music in the background,
just the gentle hum of the dishwasher, and that realization,
as it's happening in slow motion, that I am now
a three for three person when it comes to finger injuries,
(08:11):
both thumbs and an index finger the finger triple crown.
Instead of twiddling my thumbs, I am now slicing my
thumbs like deli meat at a bodega in Manhattan before
all the bodegas became weed shops. Back in the old days,
(08:31):
when I first went to New York, back on my day,
I went to Manhattan and visit my brother, and.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
I was like, oh my god, this is amazing.
Speaker 3 (08:37):
And there were bodegas with turkey sandwiches. Everywhere there was that,
and they were in Times Square. There were a lot
of peep shows, women dance and nudes, nudes, nudes and
all that, and now not so much. All right, But
it turns out the hardest job in America is not
quarterback in the NFL. It's it's not surgeon. It isn't
(09:03):
college football coach dealing with boosters breathing down your neck,
Nil divas and all that people with dragon breath trying
to get more money. Now, it turns out that for me,
performing simple household tasks while half asleep has got to
(09:23):
be the hardest job in America.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
It's just got to be.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
So let me tell you something. Dishwashing, as it turns out,
is not that easy. And you're dealing with very sharp
knives and forks that could stab your eye out and
all that stuff. I'm literally risking my life to put
the knife and fork away. And so and this is
(09:50):
not the quiet, polite chore that the sitcoms back in
the eighties and nineties made it out to be. In
many ways, it's a combat sport. This is the ui
See of domestic responsibility. And I'm a champion. Like you
don't hear Joe Rogan screaming about it, but he should.
He should have a little podcast. Oh my god, he's
(10:11):
going for the spachela. He's got no regard for his hands,
no regard. That's how it felt. One wrong move and
your thumb looks like it went twelve rounds with a
broken blender. Somewhere on the NFL injury list, there is
a space waiting for me. Benny the dishwasher, right thumb
(10:34):
listed as questionable day to day with stupidity capital s stupidity.
Now I have become a walking cautionary tail, a public
service announcement. And I used to be the king of
PSAs on the Overnight Show. But again, this job is
(10:56):
not as easy as it looks. And so it's a
reminder of another phrase that we use a lot. Sometimes
the upper balcony is empty, and that's my way of
saying that the mental gas tank was abandoned somewhere around
three in the morning and after the final monologue about
Pete Carroll or Lamar Jackson or some other sports owner
(11:17):
writing checks with other people's money. And yet the world
expects you to transition seamlessly from talk radio insomniac, just
a total lunatic, and to mourning homemaker, Penny the homemaker.
No stretching, no warm up, none of that, no wardrobe change,
(11:40):
no rehab assignment in triple A. There's no graphic that
flashes up coming up next. The morning chores sponsored by
Niasporren and the people that make band aids, Johnson and Johnson.
That should happen. There should be a household combine the
(12:00):
way the NFL does it. And we talked about this
with the Olympics, the domestic Olympics or whatever, where you're
doing these household chores. Forget bench press. Can you scrub
a pan without having it drop? Can you transfer leftovers
into tupperware without losing thirty percent to spillage? These are
(12:21):
serious problems you have to deal with. Can you unload
a dishwasher without slicing a finger and inventing a new
curse word. That's the real test of a person. So
give me a stop watch and I'll take whatever, and
I'll show you what an elite athlete is. I'm not
just a gas bag, okay. And injuries are part of sports.
(12:42):
And you know it's like Jason Tatum got hurt for
the Celtics. You're gonna bring him back next year. I
cut my fingers three different ways to Sunday, I'll be back.
And it all comes back to one phrase, don't catch
a falling knife.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
And I've used that hundreds of times to describe the
downward spiral of quarterbacks past their prime.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
The wide receiver that can't play anymore.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
The baseball pitchers lost three miles per hour and gained
five pounds around the waist. The coach clinging to a
playbook last updated in the year two thousand. Who's got
a young lady friend who wasn't even alive in the
year two thousand. It means don't overreact, okay, don't panic,
(13:31):
don't try to intervene in something that's already going south.
The phrase as we used it there, but in my
kitchen that phrase became prophecy and I ignored it. I
don't catch a falling knife. Wall Street uses it, Washington
uses it. We use it in sports radio. In my house,
(13:51):
the Malor Mansion, it became the medical file titled thumb
Incident number three, right thumb Incident number three.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
And it has been.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Said that doing radio is like shouting down an elevator
shaft hoping someone hears you. You never know who's out there.
It could be the biggest audience the want. There could
be like four people listening. You never know because it's
it's not where you're in the same room. And I
would add cleaning up the house after after doing the
(14:24):
radio shows, like tight roping.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
It's like you're tight roping across the Grand.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
Canyon and you you've got the wrong socks on, and
you got a plastic fork and you're balancing a stick.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
I don't know why you're balancing a stick, but you
got a stick.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
That doesn't make a lot of sense if you're going
across the Grand Canyon and there's no applause, there's no trophy.
There's bandages, and there's a lot of them. So here
I am a man with I'm like Mordecai three fingers Brown.
I got three finger injuries as a baseball joke. Three
finger injuries, an empty upper balcony, and a respect for
(14:56):
the amount of damage a knife, a falling knife can
do at that velocity. And I am not twiddling my thumbs.
I am protecting them like they're the last seconds on
the game clock. And maybe that is the lesson in
all of this nonsense, that we're all one spoon drop
away from humility. Doesn't matter if you host a radio
(15:20):
show on six hundred radio stations or a backyard barbecue.
It doesn't matter whether you're paid to call football games
or wash football shaped plates. Gravity is gonna get you, right,
don't catch a falling knife, don't underestimate the silverware drawer,
(15:42):
the transition of passing the silverware putting it in the drawer,
don't try to rush it.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Just don't do it. Do not do it.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
And for the love of all that's holy, buy band
aids in bulk.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Go to Costco and buy a side of band aids.
Speaker 3 (15:58):
And I'll be back in the line up in the
kitchen soon, probably for next week's chores.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Thumb be willing, and so then that's that. That's that.
Speaker 3 (16:09):
Now turning the page to what I call the Great
bag Shakedown. That's right, my friends, gather around. It's another
story on the Fifth Hour podcast. Oh my god, yep,
another story. So let's talk about one of the great
nickel and dime hustles of our time. And no one
(16:30):
has the balls to say no to it. A con
so petty? How petty is it? So petty, so small minded,
so proudly wrapped in bureaucratic smugness. You'd think it was
crafted in a Sacramento think tank, powered by Kale smoothies
and virtue virtue signaling emojis. If you know what I'm
(16:54):
talking about I am discussing for a few minutes the
ten cent single use bag fee in the People's Republic
of California. It's ten cents, better known by its gangster name,
a dime. Then let me preface this by saying this
is not new. This ten cent tax has been around
for a while. It's a coin that barely registers on
(17:18):
the seismic scale of economics, and somehow has become the
line in the sand between free people and the nickel
and dimers who pretend they're saving the oceans one checkout
lane at a time. And I say this with every
ounce of conviction. And this came up on the radio
(17:38):
show I have left in my bagless hands. That is
the conviction I have. I am not paying it. I'm
not paying the bag fee. I'm not paying for it,
not now, not ever, Sam. I am why because, as
I explained, this is not a Doctor Seuss book. But
as I explained to Alf the alien ol Piner on
the radio show this week, this is not about the dime.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
It is about the principle.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
And he lives in a state where they also Nikolin Daimya,
it's about government that wants you to applaud while they
reach into your pocket like a silent film pickpocket and
a bowler's hat. And I want to paint the picture
for you. So I carry my groceries out of the
store with my own bear hands, Benny bare hands. Five
(18:26):
items or forty six out ofs it doesn't matter, And
I must look to people that don't know me, like
a modern day Charlie Chaplin. If you know early Hollywood,
the famous scene the pawn shop was the movie where
he's balancing drills, hammers, loose cables. It's the vaudevillian acrobat.
(18:49):
Or there was the Steve Martin planes, trans and automobiles.
Remember he was hauling luggage through the O'Hare airport in
the winter and all of his hands.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Were full and all that. Or you could go home alone.
The mom Catherine O'Hara and home alone.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Remember she was sprinting through the airport clutching all of
her bags, trying to trying to get everything there it
needed to be. And it's like me trying to escape
a hostage situation. And listen, I'm gonna keep doing it.
Why am I glutting for punishment? Probably so, probably so,
But the main reason is because I refuse to give
(19:25):
these plastic bag tax collectors a single red scent. I'm
not doing it. I'm sorry, not sorry, I'm not doing it.
This is the California paradox. It is a beautiful state,
amazing geography, oceans here, there, and everywhere. It's also a
(19:47):
state that thinks that you're too stupid, those that live here,
to handle your own shopping habits, yet just enlightened enough
to be guilt tripped into paying for the privilege of
carrying your own groceries out of the store. Now they
call this environmental stewardship is what they call it. I
(20:09):
call it government mandated perse snatching. They're literally pickpockets, is
what they are. And it drives me nuts. And listen,
if this were actually about the Earth, if this was
about it, it's the what's the word I'm looking for here?
I mean, think about human beings, the arrogance of it,
(20:29):
the smugness of human beings. If this were actually about
Mother Earth and it were truly about the oceans and
the wildlife and reducing waste, well, then the cost would
be built directly into the product.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Wouldn't that be the case? Wouldn't that make sense?
Speaker 3 (20:46):
Well, well, just it's like when I go to a
Mexican restaurant and I eat the chips and salsa and
it's given complimentary. I go to an Italian restaurant and
they put a loaf of bread, warm bread and butter
on the table. I know, Oh, it's not free, it's
baked into the price of the If I'm at a
Mexican restaurant, the tacos or an Aian restaurant, the fetccini
(21:09):
alfredo with the beautiful sauce and the little chicken pieces.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
In there and all that, so I know that going in.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
I know that going in, and yet here we are
and it's like, no, no, no, it's a we're not
gonna do it that way.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Nope, not not gonna do it. Sorry, not sorry. Then
why don't why don't you do it? Uh?
Speaker 3 (21:32):
Well, because it's quiet, efficient, invisible, like any real environmental
form worth its carbon footprint.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
But that's not what California does.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
California insists on the public shaming business model. A ding
ding ding ding ding to your dignity and your wallet,
a scarlet letter, B for bagless if you decline, and
a D for donor if you bend the knee and
cough up that dime, and the dime isn't the goal.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
I know what's going on. It's the guilt trip, That's
what it is. It's the guilt.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
And here's the I guess the punchline of all this,
the plastic bag waste. They've had this for a little
while now and they've done studies on it.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
You'd think, oh, this solved the problem. No it didn't.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Plastic bag waste did not plummet. Studies across multiple cities
around the around the United States where they have this
have shown people simply bought more trash bags to replace
the free ones they used to get. So, congratulations, California.
You solved absolutely nothing. And you are charging your residence
(22:47):
the people that pay your stupid salaries for the privilege
of that. And that's the way things roll in the
Golden State. The buocic what's the word I'm looking for,
the bureaucracy that turns common sense into compost and bills
bills you for the magic trick. And this is the
(23:08):
I know I'm going on a rant here, but this
is the kind of thinking that this relentless barrage of
petty mandates that sends people sprinting out of California trying
to get to Texas and Florida like they're fleeing Jurassic Park.
You know, it's like, we got to get out of here.
The stampedes of taxpayers galloping past the now leaving California side,
(23:34):
while overhead the state government waves lovingly with one hand
and reaches into the till with the other. And here's
the part we really pound the desk over California politicians,
these knuckleheads, these dingle bears, actually believe this is meaningful.
(23:54):
They believe that charging you a dime at checkout is
going to reverse the tides, cleanse the oceans, purify the skies,
and maybe even fix.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
The clippers who hate each other.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
It is the environmental equivalent to putting a band aid
on a volcanic eruption. It's the symbolism masquerading his policy.
And you know, I'm annoyed by anyone in sports who
does virtue signaling. And I pointed out all the time, well,
also in this world, same thing. It's people who want
(24:27):
credit for caring, not results. I really really care. And
the bag fee is the government's version of the TSA
making you take your shoes off. It doesn't actually solve
the problem. But boy, boy, does it make the rule
makers feel important? And now I can hear the critics
(24:48):
warm it up?
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Right?
Speaker 3 (24:49):
Oh but Ben, it's just ten cents, And that, my friends,
is the lullaby the ruling political dopes sing as they
tuck your wallet into their backpack. It's boiling frog on one.
It starts out with the dime. Well that's not working.
(25:10):
Why don't we raise it to a quarter? Okay, that'll work.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
And now that doesn't work, how about fifty cents a bag?
Do I get that?
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Then it becomes a fee, and then it's a it's
a surcharge, and before long you're paying something called a
grocery transport Optimization compliance fee. Why not more red tape,
more bureaucracy, because someone in Sacramento, the state capitol of California,
dreamed it up at a wellness retreat while doing urine
(25:38):
therapy with Doc mic in Hawaii. And we know how
this works. They never stop charging, they just add these
Once these things come in, they're not going anywhere in
the grand opera of government overreach. The bag fee is
the piccolo. It's small shrimp, annoying, but it signals the
(26:02):
whole orchestra is tuning up for the big performance. And
so here I am just a struggling overnight gas bag,
marching proudly from the store to my car, from Trader
Joe's or wherever, juggling boxes of pasta, rotisserie, chickens, bell, pepper, garlic,
(26:24):
canned goods, laundry detergent.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
So I don't know why there's a watermelon. My wife
want a watermelon.
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Like a circus act performed in the parking lot at
a Ralph's.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Or Trader Joe's or Vaughn's.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
These are the markets we have out here, and people stare,
people smirk, and some people, you know, some pity me,
some admire me. However, I will not bend. I am
a Taurus. I am stubborn. The astrology insider knows that
she knows I'm stubborn.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
I'm not gonna break.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
I won't buy the bag knocking to do that, because
California can go pound sand and they'll charge itself ten
cents for the shovel. In a world of petty fees
and performative solutions. In air quotes, sometimes the greatest act
of rebellion is carrying your groceries with your bare hands,
(27:16):
your unwashed, bare hands, standing tall and declaring that the
bureaucratic bag barons, these idiots can go away, no thanks.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
I brought my own, Yes I did.
Speaker 3 (27:31):
I brought my own, or I didn't bring any, and
I'm just going to carry that stuff out.
Speaker 1 (27:36):
And sometimes I have been told that.
Speaker 3 (27:41):
They always asked you want bags, and sometimes I'll say no,
and they don't hear me because I talk kind of
quiet when I have headphones on, and they'll give me
a bag and I don't want the bag. Well, the
food's already in the bag. And every once in a
while they'll give me a freebie. It's like a drug
peddler giving out free samples to try to hook you on.
And I have not even though I've been given bags.
(28:03):
I didn't pay for the bag. They didn't add the
ten cent sale charge or surcharge on that didn't do it.
Didn't do it, and that's it. And so I always say,
I know I'm good. I don't need the bag. If
they give me the bag, I might take it. And
that is how you fight the bag tax tyranny. You
have to go old school Hollywood, like Charlie Chaplin walking
(28:25):
carrying a bunch of junk, or Steve Martin stumbling, or
Catherine O'Hara sprinting through the airport. The silent majority will
rise again, I'm telling you, and they will carry their
groceries free of charge, free of charge until then.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
And I say hell Aelujah, hallelujah.
Speaker 3 (28:44):
That's what I say. I enjoy the college football today.
If you've already watched the college football or you're like
Lucky Tony who will be listening to this sometime in
twenty thirty three, have it just a wonderful day. May
all your bets be winning ones. Make sure to watch
any versus the Penny. Still time to watch the Sunday
Extravaganza on YouTube.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Great audience last week.
Speaker 3 (29:07):
We thank you guys for watching on demand, and we'll
catch you on the next edition.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
At the mail Bag, the mail Bag edition of the
Fifth Hour. We'll talk to you then by flation
Host
Ben Maller
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In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
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