August 23, 2020 • 58 mins
So much to say in such a short amount of time has Ben and David speeding their way to a new week. Studies, trends, listener questions, and a social media riot was avoided when Twitter's moral police finally correct their wrong.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse. The clearing House of Hot
takes break Free for something special. The Fifth Hour with
(00:23):
Ben Maller starts right now. That it does. We are
in the air everywhere, the vast power of podcasting, the
global reach of the download as we are bluviating the
day away. This our Sunday podcast, a spin off of
the Ben malla radio show. We tap Dance on the
(00:46):
third Rail. We do things we don't do on that
show that are only available on the podcast. To us.
Here we have a little more freedom. The FCC does
not oversea podcast, so we can say bad words, which
I'm trying to avoid that as much as I can.
But the GUESTCN has no problem dropping a F word
now and again. But not that not that F word,
(01:08):
Tom Brandon, and no, no, no, the other F worts
the other F word, uh so and in this podcast
heard it originally was weekly, just once a week, and
now it is morphed into a multiple podcast and I'm excited, guest.
We've got some big things coming up that you know
in other platforms as well, that will be happening soon,
and I'm looking forward to that. Yes, I got I
(01:30):
got some new toy. I gotta some new toys, some
new things in the arsenal. I'm I'm looking forward to
uh taking those things out of the garage, if you will.
And uh, yeah, I think you know, we'll have to
have a meeting off the podcast because I think there's
something I probably need to get that I don't have, Yeah,
that I don't have. How about this? Do you do
you have? And I'll be quick with us. Do you
(01:51):
have a propane tank? Yes? I have a barbecue propane?
So how about you fucking use it and cut that
fucking state that's been sitting in a freezers. It's a
hundred you know it's gotta be like temperature. It's too hot. Dude,
You want me to sit outside of barbecue in a
Are you out of your freaking mind? You walk last
(02:11):
week six miles in a hundred degree weather to go
take a ship in a vacant park. I didn't get
I didn't play when I left, I did not plan
on taking that ship in the in the park like that.
I did not think I would have the Tennessee Trots,
which is exactly what happened there. That was not my intention.
But cheese. There's a difference between walking in a hundred
(02:34):
ten degree weather and standing over a freaking barbecue which
is six hundred degrees that thing gets up to and
cooking it. But you know, maybe I will finally, just
so you don't have that to bitch about, I I
will consider doing. But we gotta get going here. Guess
this is very important this podcast. We pushed some things back.
So we've got pop Quiz, the mail bag, b or
(02:56):
Not to Be, and whatever else we get to. So
let's start with pop quiz here, and before we do that,
cameo dot com, cameo dot com, cameo dot com, type
my name in Ben Maller, personalized video message, birthday's, weddings,
bar Mitzvah's funerals, pep talks, you name it. I'm there
for sex capades, all right. According to research, we do
(03:19):
this about more on weekends than on week days. What
is it? Drink uh no, smile smile guess guns you
smile more on the weekend. What if you work on
the weekend. I got I uh, I used to work
on the weekend. I smiled more on the weekend. Of course,
I work on the weekend. Like I'm in the studios.
(03:40):
I'm working. I drive to work. I make the sacrifice.
I drive a long way is away to get to work.
So yeah, I smile when I weekends. All right now.
People were asked what they would give up for I
noticed what you heard. You said, They're dummy. People were
asked what they would give up forever if they never
had to pay tax. Again. What came in at number one?
(04:04):
There's significant other, So they would give up their spouse
if they never had to pay text? Yes, boy, that
is a that explains a lot about how you're swinging
bachelor there. It could be the dog, it could be
a cat. They're significant others a dog or a cat.
I don't know if you've noticed. Are you watching beast
reality porn? What are you doing here? Yes? I was
(04:26):
watching the never mind? Um um, go ahead? What do
you got all right? Watching sports? No? Yeah, that was
the number one you would stop watching? Well, this this
is been I opening because we've all stopped watching sports
for months four months, uh, five months with some of
(04:48):
the sports no sports. Actually like four months with no sports.
Hundred and thirty four days without the major professional sports leagues. Actually,
yeah it was. It was from March. The last were
played on March eleven, I like Kings and Ottawa Senators.
That was the last game of professional sports. And then
it started on July a. Hundred and thirty four days
(05:10):
without sports. The industrial complex of sports shut down, shutdown.
We all survived. We're all here, you know, We're still
here hanging out, you know, still talking. We still did
a daily sports talk radio show. With no sports. We
had more people listening during the pandemic, during the apocalypse,
uh than ever. It's crazy, all right, experts say, the
(05:30):
smell of this makes you feel happy and relaxed. Flowers. No,
it's close though. It's in that John, And this is
something I like the smell of a lot. I love
the smell of gas, but this is not gas fresh
cut grass. That's good. Yeah, it's something like magical about you.
When I remember I was flashes back to that I
(05:50):
was a kid, a little league, and I remember being
out in the outfield because they put the fat kids
out in the outfield. You put the fat kid out
in left field and smell the grass and just felt great.
It's something fresh cut grass. It's really good. Even of
people with a smartphone have this. By the way, I'm
included on this. They have a secret compartment for pictures. No,
(06:17):
they have a crack screen. Yeah, my screen is cracked.
I gotta get a face bucks for an iPhone six. Yeah,
there's a spot next to the Geico studios that does
it for pop. Is that a good price? I don't know. No,
I don't think so. It's probably more expensive than it
needs to be, right, Yeah. L A D l A
D screens are are double the price though, so if
(06:38):
you're gonna droid, it's double the price. Oh so iPhones cheaper? Yeah?
Oh good, Okay, thank you for that. Yeah, I need
to get that fixed. About thirty people never experience this.
Um heartbreak? Uh no, wisdom teeth? Oh how were you
when you get your wisdom teeth pulled? I don't remember.
(06:59):
It's all the same, I you know, I don't I
have I just remember having recollections of eating ice cream
and things like that, But I don't remember exactly how
old I was. Almost sixty. Of moms say this is
the best way to discipline their kids. I think this
number should be higher, in the sixty percent. I think
the moms are doing a bad job on this because
(07:20):
moms ought to do better than slapping them. Yes, corporal
punishment to slap got my ass kicked. When I was
a kid, I had the one time I had the belt.
That's it. But I have the belt. Uh. The answer, though,
guests gun is to take away their video games. Yeah,
(07:44):
but see, just be higher than six the video this
is this is the punishment. But see, this is tough
though for parents nowadays, because not only do you need
to take away either a PlayStation or an xbox, but
then you gotta take away the cell phone, and then
you got to take away the iPad, and then you
gotta take away like a Mac or a PC. And
I don't know about you, but when I got busted,
my parents would try to hide that stuff. I'd find
(08:05):
it eventually, but you know, you got you gotta hide
alsh it. Need to have a great hiding place, a
vault somewhere you can hide stuff. All right. This happens
about seventy five times a year to the average household.
What is it? I think we might have had this
one before, but it's I forgot so seventy five times
of your average household. This happens a lot in the
Mallard mansion. But I don't do it. Um toilet flooding
(08:31):
seventy five times the other toilet. Uh no, it's you
can lose a remote control. You know what happens. You
don't have a remote on your phone? No, no, we
have the remote with the TV, and uh you use
your phone as the remote? Is that? I don't know,
but but I used to have one with my Android
(08:51):
and yeah, yeah, I remember when I at Staples Center
the I I would sit near the pearly gates at
the games there and they it's very hard to turn
the chances you would have the remote control and the guy,
one of the guys who worked at Staple Center side,
you'd be downloads this app. You can, you know, connect
to any TV and you can. You can as a
(09:12):
remote control. I could never figure it out. I don't
think I had the right kind of phone. I think
my phone was too old at the time and it
wouldn't work with the phone. But yeah, that's pretty cool
that you can do that. But I my trick is
and I learned this recently because my lovely wife loves
to lose the remote control. I'm gonna put it back
the same place. Guy, I'm gonna put it back the
same place. Guy. Uh, my wife is not um and
(09:35):
so so'll lose it. And last time we're let me.
The last time it broke because he got dropped. And
so this is a veteran savvy move. Now a lot
of people just go to the story said, well, I'm
gonna buy a universal remote. Don't do it. You look
up the brand of your television, all right, I've Samsung TV.
Like Samsung makes the greatest TV. So I I will
(09:56):
go on the internet and go into like one of
the way websites and find the remote control that goes
with the television and buy a replacement because they I
used to buy the universal remote, but they never worked, right,
they were never the same. And if you can find,
and you can now because of the Internet, you can
find is the exact remote control? What color? What colors
(10:17):
are remote control? It's black? Okay, mine's white. I gotta
have the white because I'll lose that ship really quick.
I do that with my cell phone. Bet on black.
Come on, man, what's wrong? With you. Alright, Uh, due
to the current pandemic. There is a shortage of this
food item. Did you see this this week? No? I
guess the obvious answer would be meat, right, well, it
(10:39):
is a meat product, but not that's kind of a general,
all encompassing answer. Pepperoni, pepperoni. There's a shortage of pepperoni.
I've also noticed the shortage of coins. I've seen more
signs recently that they are not a lot of stores.
I go to Walmart, they are demanding that you give
(11:00):
of the exact If you pay with cash, you have
to give the exact amount of Boy, there's a restaurant
I pick up food from they did the same thing.
They're like, no, you gotta play with the exact. No,
no cash only credit cards. Isn't that bad? Really? All right?
The average US family of four will save about four
(11:20):
hundred dollars on this activity in compared to last years.
It's said more than that's got to be higher than
four hundred. But the answer is birthday parties. Hard to
have a birthday party when if you have a party,
the mayor of Los Angeles will turn off your power
(11:40):
and all that a little difficult to do that all right.
It's hard to believe, but two of Americans say they
have never eaten one of these. It's a delicious item.
I eat this at least once a week, and I've
done it for years. Once a week. Yep, um, I'm
(12:01):
gonna go. I'm gonna go off the A little bit
a peanut butter and jelly salvwich. I love the peanut
butter and jelly, but I don't eat that. Let me
give you a clue. I usually eat this, not Monday,
not Wednesday night. I eat on Tuesday. Tuesday. Yeah, um man,
(12:22):
uh do do do do do? Do Do a bagel? Yes,
bagel Tuesday, Taco Tuesday. You dummy was Hoco tuo. I
thought you save your Mexican food for the weekends. No no,
I eat well. I have a usually a two day fast.
Sunday I don't eat. Monday I don't eat, and then
Tuesday I eat, and then I don't eat on Wednesday.
(12:43):
I eat on Wednesday, I don't eat on Thursday. It
was usually how that goes? All right? Yeah, I thought you.
I thought you purposely save your Mexican food for the weekend.
No no, I eat that once during the week and
then I'm usually make some different stuff on the weekends.
But how about that two percent of people have never
had a taco. That sucks? What do they all live?
What are they live in? Like Wyoming? Yeah, South Dakota.
(13:05):
I mean, come on, live a little bit. It's not
that hard easy to make. Be sure to catch live
editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am
Eastern Pacific. All right, thanks to the pandemic, this popular
summertime treat is piling up in warehouses. People not eating it.
Cotton candy, no peanuts? Really, yeah? Do you think baseball
(13:31):
games peanuts? You think all the fairs? Yeah, all that
roasted peanuts, you name it. Honey roasted peanuts is a
go to. It's like honey roasted peanuts, corn nuts, and
maybe sunflower seeds. Honey roasted peanuts because they're covered in sugar, salt,
cover anything. Yeah, this sugar salt fat dimension is good
(13:52):
on that. All right. You know the ten percent of
people say this is something they never like to do,
no matter what, no matter what, brush their teeth flies.
No hug someone, I'm a hugger. Yeah you are. I
(14:14):
like to hug. Yeah, you're not a hugger. It depends
on you're not depends on what she looks like. Wow,
all right. A new survey asked Americans to name one
purchase that gave them buyers remorse. What was the most
popular answer, An engagement ring, An engagement ring. It's funny.
(14:39):
I know, a new car. I was gonna say a car.
That's the obvious. So every car that you've gotten, though,
have you gotten off the lot or have you bought
it used? Well, the last car I got was used.
I will never buy a new car, but I always
bought new cars. And then somebody took me aside and said, hey, stupid,
what are you doing. You get a pre owned car
(15:01):
that doesn't have that many miles on it. That's the
way to go. So what is it? It's it's buying
a car new and buying a boat. Those are your
two worst significant investments. Right. Yeah. I will never drive
a new car again unless the people that Premiere Networks
decided to give me a Colin Cowherd like contract, and
then I will buy new cars. New car. That's all right,
(15:24):
Come on down the showcase, showdown, all right? Last one
on popcut of men do this when they're having a
bad day. What is it only okay, so it can't
be drinking. Now, that's not drink Um. I'm gonna say,
(15:47):
pick a fight. It's in that same family, but not
pick a fight. It's breaks something, okay, like you know,
take a cup and shatter it or you know that
kind of yeah, break something. Yeah. Um. So that that's
the answer, right, that's the last part. We have a
few study there's a lot of these coronavirus things. You're
interested in any of that are You're like, are you over?
(16:07):
Are we getting better? No, we're getting dumber. There's a
there was a new survey out that found Americans believe
people aged fifty five and older made up about half
seven point seven percent of the total coronavirus desk. It's
actually nine but people below that age are convinced that
(16:29):
it's you know, it's like fifty fifties not. They also
found the same study found that Americans believe people aged
forty four and younger made up about thirty percent of
the total coronavirus desk. It's less than three percent. Now,
it's sad when people young, and there are young people
that have died from this, but statistically speaking, it's anecdotal,
(16:51):
you know, what I mean, it's it's an anecdotal number,
but people you know, can give them the facts and
they people can't handle It's like we talked about with
the nuance with you and basketball. People can't handle the
new once they don't deal with it. There's a reason
why the younger group is magnified. It's it's because it's
driven to be polarizing. That if you get someone that's
in their teens or twenties that contracts it and dice
(17:12):
from it, then that obviously means it's the same as
an individual that's in their sixties and seventies. So they
want to obviously canvass the scope of Americans dying from
this thing. Yeah, and then they're doing a heck of
a job. But it's pretting the spreading the word. Now
the other thing here, uh, wearing a mask, not wearing
(17:32):
a mask? They said, flying, you know you you have
not flown, right, A lot of people have not flown.
No one's flying. So there was a study out which
I assume was done by the airline industry, but who
knows it says, assuming everyone wearing it was wearing a mask,
the risk of contracting the coronavirus on a flight is
just one in four. The odds are lower to one
(17:54):
in seven thousand, seven hundred if the airline has adopted
the no middle seat policy. Well that makes sense because
obviously you're having less traffic and less air circulating through
the cabin. Let me tell you something, gas Scott, I
was an advocate for the no middle seat having that
empty prior to prior to co morbidly obese, I had
(18:14):
been completely supporting that. And yes, that was that was
the dread the dreaded middle seat. When you get on
the plane there, Oh my god, that was when we
launched what we need to launch in a few months
and we get that big pay day. We can talk
about this on a on a flight. Oh is all right,
we're going to fight. Let go look, go to Europe
(18:35):
or some bullshit, some bullshit like Europe, go to Italy.
Hang on if we're allowed to though Americans, I don't know.
I'm not allowed right now in Europe. So how many
countries are we banned from? Uh? Well, we got New Zealand,
we got Australia, and we got I imagine the entire
European Union. Right, we'll go to Syria. Are we allowed Syria?
(18:56):
I can't even know if we can go to Japan
right now, to be frank, really, yeah, I don't think.
I don't know if we can go to Japan. All right?
What about China? Ron? And yeah, remember that job you
wanted me to go apply for and go to China
a few years ago? That would have been It was great, dude,
he would have run China. You would be like, he'd
(19:17):
be like right there in the comment a little bit
shot dead. Oh no, not at all. They would have
loved you. Yea. I guess scan was up for a
job in China. Yeah, you didn't you talk to somebody
about that, did recruiter? Oh? Jeez? How man? It paid
a lot, right, Yeah, it paid pretty well. Go there
(19:39):
and do it for a couple of years. You know,
why not magnify your name a little bit. You could
become like the Stefan Marbury, a broadcasting stefn Marbury failed
out as an NBA player, never became as great as
he was supposed to be. And then I went to
China and they had a fucking museum for him. Remember
that they worshiped him. They genuflected to stef Stefawn Armbor,
(20:00):
making some some sneakers in the cheap too. That's right,
the starbarrs speaker sneakers. Let's see what else do we
have here. We don't have too much time. We're gonna
keep the train of moving as they stay. All right,
why don't we move on? You want a mailbag? You
got be or not to be? Here? You want to
be or not to be, So let's do a mailbag first.
(20:21):
Before you do that, I gotta give a good shout out.
And I gotta ask you this. Anthony and Anaheim twittered
out a picture to to me and a couple other
people a few days ago. And I want to ask
you if you've ever had this, because we were talking
about dessert. I think you and I like a week
or two ago. Um, it's a dessert called It's it? Oh?
(20:41):
Is that the they used to sell at Dodger Stadium?
Is that an ice cream sandwich covered chocolate? Yes? Have
you called it a Coola coup? They used to call
I think the Coola coup? Yes, that thing is great.
And I I let a campaign when I did the
Ben and Dave Show locally. Yeah, I let a campaign
because Dodger Stadium changed concessions contors and they got rid
of the cool coup the greatest ice cream sandwich. Well,
(21:05):
and I think greatest. It's the second greatest ice cream
sandwich behind the traditional chocolate chip cookie vanilla ice cream
jumbo sized ice cream sandwich. But that is an amazing
treat on a hot summer day at Dodger Stadium when
it's like ninety five degrees out and that sun is
burning down and you're sitting there and you're burning up
watching the game, and you get one of those cool coos.
(21:26):
Oh man, now I call it. It is available around here.
I don't know if it's national, I don't know about that,
but it is available. Yeah, I asked, like Smart and Final.
I think they sell yes, okay, yeah, because he said
of getting out in your Belinda, and I'm like, I'm
not driving out there for that, but yeah, I think
you can get it at Smart and Final and maybe
even some Walmart locations in southern California. It looks awesome.
(21:51):
That's good sandwich. That's good. Why did he send that
to you? That's kind of weird, is he? It might
have been because we were talking about Yeah, we were
talking about No, we weren't talking about it. Steve Hartman.
Steve Hartman's ex wife, Denise, who's up in the valley.
Then she's a smoke show first of all. Second of all,
she's an amazing cook. And so every weekend Steve has
(22:14):
had his ex wife that he lives with bake something
for the staff, like she's made brownies, banana bread muffins
and Friday cookies. His ex wife is his together. No,
Steve's got a very successful past life. Now our our
(22:34):
new life now that he's divorced. But his ex wife
is an amazing cook. It's like the stuff that she's
baked is tremendous. So anyway, so she's supposed to be
making some some cookies that are are heavily based in
in mint. And that's why Anthony had tweeted this thing
out because an ice cream sandwich in mint. So oh
(22:56):
all right, well that's listen. I love the cool cool
that's a good looking sandwich right there at the time.
I haven't not had one of those in years. I'm
leaning me now, as you know, man, I'm leaning me, man.
But then see, I blame the wife on this because
she bought some some clothes that are a little uh
(23:17):
lower size, you know, and all that and so so
now every time I eat, I feel like, oh, I'm
not gonna fit my clothes. I told her, I said,
keep my fat close. I'll be back in the my
fat clothes. I'll be back. I'll fall off the wagon
at some point, I'll be back as long as you're
not swimming in your clothes. And it's all good. They
don't want him like too baggy on you. Yeah, yeah,
that's true. All right, let's get to the mail bag.
(23:38):
These are questions send and remember follow the show, like
our our Facebook page. That really helps us out on
their Ben Maller's show on Facebook. Like our page, and
you can be a contributor. That's really a key part
of being in the Mallar militia. Right. You can consume, consume, consume.
But the cool thing about it is you can add
the content with questions and you don't even have to
call in anymore. You can just post things on social media.
(24:00):
So it's kind of cool. All right. So the mail
bag also Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com at
a little light on the email this week, Real fifth
Hour at gmail dot com. So this one comes from
Dolphin Mike who's in Pennsylvania's is my ten and twelve
year old sons. I would like to know why you
talked for twenty minutes about dropping a deuce on the
(24:22):
toilet seat on your number one fifth hour podcast. That's
signed Mallard Troll Dolphin Mike with Dolphin Mike. First of all,
you want to you Wanta, You're you're a bad parent.
You're a freaking Dolphin fan. All right, that's a bad
job by you with the Miami bleep in dolphins. Okay,
what a freaking joke that is. And you're gonna that's
(24:44):
child abuse because you're gonna force your kids to be
Dolphin fans, and I hope they become Patriot fans. Just
to rub it in your face, how about that, Dolphin Mike.
All Right, you don't worry about my ship habits, Okay,
I mean I am out there busting my ass. I am.
I'm relatable like Gascon and these people west of the
four or five. Do you think guess Gunn has problems
(25:05):
all the time and he didn't talk about this. He
doesn't talk about these kind of issues that make him relatable.
Every other day he has some kind of diarrhe or
constipation or something like that, and he doesn't bring it up.
But when I have mone Zuma's arrange, I talked about
it because I am relatable to the common man. Dolphin like,
That's why I do it. False fan Jimmy writes in
(25:27):
says from Big Orange Country. I says, Ben, do you
think now that you have uncontrollable bowel syndrome it is
time for adult diapers? Yes, yes, yes, it's only happened twice.
I had my gallbladder taken out November three of twenty nineteen,
and ever since then, it's happened two times where I've
(25:49):
had a little situation where I did not make it
to the finish line and I had a little premature
situation that came out there. And so I'll be all right,
I I I I just think once in a while,
this is gonna happen. This is my new life, and
I'm okay with it. I don't like it, but that's
just the way it is, so I'll deal with it.
(26:09):
I should set up a go fund me account. My
wife Will said that I should pack when I go
on these long walks, toilet paper, just in case, Just
in case. Uh, phil in oswego right, So he says,
what is an embarrassing moment in your professional radio career
that you still think about to this day. Shooting yourself
(26:31):
ten minutes before a show does not apply. Well, that
did happen, as you know, Phil, that's a previous podcast,
the Fateful ten minute Clock. And I had to clean
up and I had to wash my hands in the
washroom and then you pretend like nothing happened and do
the show. But I, as a trained professional, I was
able to pull that off. But let me think I'll
(26:52):
give you a story, Phil. Years ago, I was doing
local radio at Extra Sports eleven fifty, soon to become
Sports Radio eleven fifty. Uh, And they had a party
for the remember the movie Animal House, old movie Animal House.
It's a classic Hollywood classic and Belushi and all that.
(27:13):
So so anyway, this was like the h I don't know,
twentieth anniversary of Animal House, and they had a DVD
release party with footage that had never been seen before, right,
And so they the movie studio hired us to promote
the DVD and there was a party with the living actors.
Belushi was dead at this point, but the people that
(27:34):
were still alive that had been in the Animal House
got together at a swanky bar on Westwood Boulevard, just
down from the U c. L A campus, And so
we were doing a remote and we were supposed to
interview these actors who were not really acting anymore because
they passed their prime. But but then an animal house
and so I'll never forget the boss, the Great Mike Thompson.
(27:57):
He said, listen this to make this promotion really good.
It was the Ben and Dave show. Dave Smith, We're
gonna get you guys to wear togas and do the
show wearing togas. So I showed up to do the show,
go in the bathroom, have to strip down in my underwear,
put on a toga. And then he had the idea
to try to get some excitement before we started the show,
(28:18):
to go out on Westwood Boulevard in the fucking toga
and uh and wave at people to to create some excitement.
So of course we did, and it was it was
very embarrassing, very remember we were having a conversation. We
were like we walked out together, like you were so embarrassed.
It was like, oh man, we both want to be
(28:39):
in radio. We want to be on the air, and
this is what we're doing. This is where we are
a fucking toga on Westwood Boulevard. Ridiculous. Was it a
windy day? I was evening time because we were doing
a night shows like it was evening time. But it
was yeah, I mean it wasn't. Wasn't Wendy, wasn't Unfortunately,
it wasn't. It wasn't cold, it wasn't hot. It was
(29:00):
kind of mild, you know, a typical Westwood whether as
I remember. Did you get hit on by anybody? Oh? God, no, no, please,
It's got a very eclectic group of people to hang
on that area. Oh, I see what you're saying. I
see what you're saying. Be sure to catch live editions
of the Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am Eastern
eleven p m. Pacific, uh Pierre in Springfield, Mass Right
(29:23):
soon there's any chance that Gagon has any furlough time
due to miss the podcast anytime soon, maybe you could
bring Eddie off his took isn't go away from the
Punk podcast to fill in. All right, whatever you do,
don't bring in Finley a k A. Gag On after dark.
Well let me answer that question for you. Um. First
(29:43):
of all, I don't make as much money. As ben,
so I'm not subject to the furlowing hours that not
all of us can make seven digit salaries. Um, so
I I do not. And also I I very generously
kindly volunteer my time to be a part of this podcast.
So I don't think you're gonna find another sucker here
(30:05):
that'll do that. So, so, to rephrase with Gascon just
said that he's a martyr, Right, he's a martyr, he's
the he's the victim. Oh, it's poor me, team play.
Oh it's so bad. I'm a victim. I'm a victim.
My God, ever will ever quit with the SOB stories?
(30:30):
He asked the question, I'm answering the question, what do
you want from man? God? What all right? Moving? Listen?
Many people would like Gagon gone, but he's here every week.
Carlos in Bang Bang Whistle Whistle, Houston, Texas Home of
the Cheaters, says, you've taken a lot of bad financial
(30:54):
advice from people. Why don't you take some advice from Gagon?
You have nothing to lose. Well, actually I have everything
to lose. I have everything left to lose. So I
haven't given you any bad advice. Yeah, I don't know.
I actually did talk, I said the other day, I
talked to a real financial person, So I don't know.
I don't know who everyone's got hot takes. Who the
(31:14):
hell knows? Okay, I told you Apple, and we did
Apple at the same time and got the same payout.
So yeah, I'm actually tempted to sell No, no, no,
because it's already gone up, and I believe it was
gonna go down once the split happens. My theory is
it's gonna go down. How about that. That's fine, make
(31:39):
some money right now, get in, get out. Well, if
that's your goal, like if that was your idea to
get in and make it was my idea originally. But
oh man, look at that. Wow, I don't Another big
day today is we are doing the podcast in real time. Yeah,
it's shut up like ten percent. It's a pretty good
return on investment right there. It's a pretty good return
(32:01):
on investment. I'll tell you that. Alright. Let's see here,
I didn't realize. Maybe I'll hold on to it all right,
Clayton Wright saying we're doing the mail back Clayton writes,
and he says, when you first began fasting, how long
did it take you to get a to a twenty
four hour fast than forty eight hours. That's a good question, Clayton.
(32:23):
I started doing sixteen hour fast, and I went up
to eighteen hours after a couple of weeks, and then uh,
twenty four. I drink a lot of water. I just
don't eat. I feel like if I can fill my
stomach up, it's like a mine trick. I can feel
I can feel like I'm full because my stomach is
filled with water, and then I don't really worry about it.
(32:43):
But the other problem is I'm a type a Clayton
personality where I I'm very competitive, which is a blessing
and a curse. So I'm like, well, I can keep going.
I don't have to stop. You know, mind over matter,
if it doesn't mind, If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
So that kind of thing. But my advice is, and
you should never listen to somebody on the radio or
(33:03):
a podcast on how to do this. You should consult
with a professional. But my theory on how to do
the fast thing is you start out. It's baby steps.
You know, if you can't even do sixteen hours, start
out with ten hours, and then a week later cranking
up to twelve a week later cranking up to fourteen,
then a week later cranking up to sixteen, and then
slowly and surely you'll you'll be able to do it.
(33:24):
But you know, it takes I think it's sixty six days,
I believe is the number to change the habit. We've
talked about that before, according to research, So it takes
more than two months before it becomes just AUTOMATICA Well,
if you want a couple of quick hacks on this um,
there's two things right out of the gate. One is
(33:45):
don't eat after seven o'clock at night, and two, try
to get eight hours to sleep. So if you're getting
eight hours of sleep and your goal is too fast
for eighteen hours, then you're nearly halfway there. Yeah, you're
really only fasting ten hours while you're awake, right, So
it's yeah and there. So there's ways to get around that. Obviously.
What I do, of course, with the four or five
(34:07):
hours of sleep makes it the degree of difficulty goes up. GISCA,
you cheat, you take? How do I cheat? I have
to deal with your dumbass enemy. Photos of delicious pizza,
cheeseburgers and all kinds of wonderful food you take and
don't you take some pills. Don't you take some caffeine
pills only on Thursday into Friday, because that's the worst.
(34:31):
I get like three hours of sleep to to do
these podcasts. It's cheating. It's not cheating. How is that cheating? Man?
P DS? Yes, all right, Chris in my Cocona Cocona,
he says, what is your worst bathroom experience at a game?
Can't be as bad as your park story. I'm still
(34:54):
traumatized from Wrigley's p troughs. Uh yeah, I don't. Yeah,
I don't remember any really bad situations, although at the
Sports Arena when the Clippers played there, and they nobody
ever went to those games except when they would play
like Larry Burton the Celtics, or Jordan and the Bulls,
or you know, you Wing and the Knicks and those
(35:15):
big or the Lakers would come in with magic in
that group. So whenever a good team would come in
to play the Clippers, the Sports Arena infrastructure was such
where it couldn't handle the crowd, so the toilets would flow,
they would flood, and so you'd be standing there at
the trough to do your business or go into the
(35:35):
stall and you'd be standing in about an inch or
two inches of piss water. So, but that's not really
something that I did. That's just what the arena did.
And then I also remember when I was a kid,
I was an Angels game. My dad took me to
an Angels Tigers game. Tigers has some really good teams
in those days, like chet Lemon and Gibson and those guys.
(35:56):
And uh, and I'm sitting in the stadium and someone
from the upper deck hit through a cigarette and landed
on my head and burned my head. But that's not
really a bathroom. So I just I just popped into
my head for some reason. It's a non sequitary. I
apologized Chris and cocon it's a bad job by me.
Do you have an answer to that? I guess I
(36:17):
did have one. It was Game five of the Stanley
Cup Final between the Ducks and the Ottawa Senators. I
don't know what. Maybe my inner fan got the best
of me, but I became so sick as soon as
the Ducks won the Stanley Cup. Grew up as a
Kings fan. Ben I had this giant rush that I
(36:39):
needed to go hit the hit the bathroom and it
was at the end when the cup was being raised,
I raced right out of the Honda Center because I
couldn't deduce there. And I the Honda Center. How it's
a line is that there's corporate buildings behind it and
on the east side of the building. So I raced
into one of the vague at buildings and and flash
(37:02):
like a fake badge, and yeah, I was like, man,
and I sat there for like twenty minutes. It was
if that bathroom was I think that's you're like the
Olden Polonies type. That's an Olden Polonies type move, I believe. Yeah,
probably the badge. And I'm a big fan. If you're
(37:22):
driving somewhere and you gotta go, you find a hotel.
Always find a hotel because they're always hotel lobby. Yeah,
well the hotel restrooms are always keeping there, keeping clean
keeping plan. So we actually had this conversation the other
day that Ned Flanders guy the Quaker oats gut, occasionally
works at the company. He loves to drop a deuce
(37:44):
at work. I don't understand I complained about this, but
I want to expand on this more. Like to me,
one of the cool things about radio is if you
do a show it's a three or four hour show, yes,
And it seems like most of the people that work
in our industry cannot go three or four hours without
eating a meal, and also can't go three or four
(38:06):
hours without taking a deuce. Somewhere along the way, it
is it's unreal. Well, to be fair, guys like him
and myself are here for nine hours. So what I
can go nine hours with dropping a pool. I'm better
than you. I can contain. Well, maybe not now, but
for the balance of my life when I before I
(38:27):
became superhuman without my gall bladder, I could do it. Well,
it depends on what you eat. But just don't eat.
How about that? Yeah? I could do that. Stick I don't.
You don't. You don't ship where you make your money
and eat which is which is work? You shouldn't eat
it work either. I just if you're there for fifteen hours,
(38:48):
that's different. But you got coming into a three hour
show on a Saturday, and you gotta eat a meal.
I just love how our restrooms have signs on it
now that says, please wash your hands and please piss
in the toilet. Some fancy instructional how to use the bathroom?
Is that right? Is that it's it's embarrassing. The bathrooms.
(39:09):
I would have designed them differently, you know, as one person,
one customer at a time. Why not have two stalls?
How about that? No guys are messy, you know, you
gotta hurdle trash cans and you're in the studio when
you're here. Oh, I know. I don't miss that, man,
I don't miss the Every Sunday night I would come
into the overnight show and it would smell like a
(39:31):
rotting dumpster from all the chicken uneaten chicken and the
fish meat that people would throw in the trash cans
and the rotting vegetables and all that ship and uh
it was so annoying as it was ridiculous. And I
occasionally I would do play by play on what people
were eating over the weekend in Fox Sports Radio. Yeah,
that's pretty good their habits, you know, and what they
(39:53):
were doing and all that stuff. So all right, what
is next year? Chris from Edmonton says Ben. When you
first started doing takes in sports, what was the hardest
part of remembering all of the information. Uh, well, Chris,
I think I don't know that that's the right way
to phrase it. I think there's an art to learning
how to break down a game. So I'm trying to
(40:15):
teach Gascon, you know, Gascons, Lebron fanboy, and when I
the nuance I have in slicing, I'm very proud of.
I learned from some legends when I first started that
taught me how to watch a game and what to
look for. Uh. I happened to be buddies with a
lot of the old stat guys that were doing like
(40:37):
Chick Heernstad guy, Vince Scully's that guy, and they told
me some things to look for. No, obviously I've taken
that to the next level. Uh with with the way
that I break down a game, it's uh, they never
went full full rogue, but especially like the NBA playoffs,
I'm having fun with that because I feel like I'm
really good at the NFL playoffs and fell. You know,
(41:02):
I think I think I've gotten decent. I don't be
like a narcissist like Gascon, but I work at it,
and there there is an art to it to break
it down because a lot of these guys don't. You
can tell when they don't watch the game and they
just read the box score and uh, big game and
I don't watch you all again. I'm gonna say I
tell you I do, and I'm I'm a flipper. But
if it's a big playoff game and I know I'm
(41:22):
gonna be probably doing a monologue on it, like when
Lebron's playing or the Clippers are playing or something like that,
I I'm locked in. I have laser like focus. I
only turn away. It's TNT. I don't turn away because
I love Barkley. At halftime, I'll keep it on there,
but I turn away when they do the activism stuff.
I'll turn out and go watch a ballgame or something
like that, and then because I know it takes about
three minutes, and then I'll be back. Um, but really,
(41:43):
Chris and Edmonton breaking down a box score and breaking
down a game in general, watching it and then knowing
what the key parts are that the untrained I would
not know that to me is the hardest thing. But
once you learn it, it's on. It's a lot of fun.
Have a good time with it. Uh, let's see here.
(42:04):
Will says, Hey, I just want to hear all of
your nickname. So Will wants to hear the nicknames you
want to All Right, here we go I am known
as the spin Master of Misinformation, the bannering Broadcaster, the
Beethoven of bs, Curmudgeon of commentary, Chasm of Sarcasm, czare Zany,
the dark Night of Weeknights sports Radio, Mogul of mischief,
(42:25):
Benny the Brazen, King of Zing, Moneyball Mallard, Facetious Fox,
Sultan of Insult and Jumping Jack of wisecrack, Insight of
overnight Medicine, Man Mallard, neigh Bob of Negativity, Sage of Outrage,
Pinnacle of cynical, Prince of Prepostors, Professor of propaganda, hazar
(42:45):
If I permably, and the mad Hatter of sports chatter.
That's only half my nicknames. Gascon, what's that you want?
The other half? Okay, you know Gascon called for it.
He just send in my headphones. Give me the other half.
I am known as the Baron of Balgladesh, the Big
gall Bladder, Bennice, the Menace, Captain needs your General of Degenerates,
(43:06):
Tycoon of Tease, Master of Disaster, the Hustler of Philip Buster,
night Light of night Life, Pummeler of Producers, Benny Brightside,
Manity of Insanity, mark Cony Mallard Emissary of Embellishment, Weeknight
win Back, Wizard of Wacky, Slayer of Naysayers, Grant Goober
of Gap Tower of Babylon, Honest Adonis, Nocturnal Colonel, the
(43:32):
Underdog of Monologue, and the Holy Pope of the Slippery Slope.
Thank you very much. I'll be here all night. It's
a long list of the great list of nicknames, original nicknames.
There's other ones that I I left off. If you want,
I can give you some of the ones that did
not make and prefer not. You've You've done God's work
(43:54):
for the day with that. Alright, Well, let you go.
You have no nickname. You have one nickname, aggon. You
know how how come the butcher Finley has more nicknames
than you? What's up with that? I don't know. There's
a reason why he's he's giving himself nicknames. The hell
are you talking about? That is true, he has given himself.
Well he that's not the buckaroo he earned by uh
(44:19):
saying something during a news update that you're not supposed
to say in the backwards cowboy right. Uh, yeah, you
know I didn't say that. It was something. Yeah, it
was a sexual position that Finley thought was a good
way to describe the outcome of a game. Bro. It
was a verse cowgirl, I verse cowgirls. So we gave
(44:40):
him the nickname Buckaroo. Has Finley said that the butcher
because he butchers the show because a twenty minute updates
Ned Flanders because he did he didn't know who Ned
Flanders was. Yeah, I can't believe that one. I mean,
rong Button Bob is probably best one that we get. Yeah, well,
that's the great the fact that he's kept his job
and be promoted by the company when he shut the
(45:01):
entire thing off. If you don't know the story about
wrong Button Bob, Bob Garrett, my old producer, we had
some technical issues with the computer. So I said, hey,
can you go in the back? Is this hole? To do?
You have to walk down the hall, turn a corner,
open a door, turn a corner again, turner and walked
to the end, turn turn right, holy and so I said, hey,
(45:22):
can you reset the computer? He said ye, prop So
he walks away. I'm in the studio getting ready to talk,
and then like a ten twenty seconds later, everything goes off.
The entire network went off the air, and thus the
nickname wrong Button Bob was born. We also found out
(45:43):
what happens if we get knocked off the air gas
gun you have. It's it's prior programming, right, like it's
evergreen programming, but it was evergreen programming from like years
ago that they had saved in the queue to play
like just generic random rows that they put in there
and play. Maybe we should do that again where they
have to play something generic and it's our podcast. It's
(46:07):
a great idea that you curse all the time. So
I don't know they do commercial airways. We could do
like one evergreen hour of generic boring like nine nineties
sports talk. You know, they're like FRANCESSA breaking. Here's the
Yankee lineup. You've got Jetter leading off. You got you know,
knob blocks in the number two. You know you just
to go down the list, right, that would be pretty
(46:29):
damn good. Yeah, exactly? All right? So will I give
you the nicknames? Trucker Joe double O seven in Pennsylvania. Uh,
he's a Twitter guy, says for you and gascon or gagon,
big toes or thumbs? Which one could you live without? Oh?
I think you would prefer to have if you had
(46:52):
to choose, you'd rather have normal thumbs and big toes,
right yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's pretty easy, isn't it. Yuh,
Although balance is key, that's tough. The thumbs could come
in handy in some area. But I'll go big toes.
Yeah yeah, I'll go y'all go big toes. Like if
(47:15):
your boxer and you have big thumps, big fat fumbs,
you could you can deliver some damage, right yeah. But
I mean if you're holding like a weapon, opening a door,
trying to crack a can. Yeah, all right, keep you
on here, Barry, and Chattanooga says, hey, bet we see
(47:35):
Joe Rogan and now Clay Travis making great strides on
web the website arena. Do you wish you had kept
your website ben mallow dot com going and any chance
you might start one up? Well, Barry, thank you for that.
I guess uh, you know, I don't regret getting rid
of ben dot com because I was I was working
(47:56):
in radio full time at the time most of that stretch,
and it just was nonstuff. I had no life other
than working. I was doing that seven days a week
and the radio going on, I had no social life.
I didn't get much attention at all from the kinder
gentler gender because I was working all the time and
(48:18):
so that and the fact that I wasn't I had
made a decent amount of money. I was working with
Fox Sports and Yahoo. But then after that, it's kind
of like with social media, the money wasn't really there,
and so you know, I was like, hey, follow the money.
But there's there's a guy that one of the bigger
name guys at ESPN that I know who every time
(48:40):
he sees me, he said, you should have kept the website.
You should have kept the website. He always busts my
balls when I see it. But I might might bring
it back. I mean, if if the radio thing doesn't
work out, you know, and that could end at any moment,
I could bring back the the website. I know how
to do it. It's a lot different now than it
was when I did. I think it's easier to do
(49:01):
it now. It's it's harder in some areas, and it's
easier in some ways. It was harder. It's harder now
because everything is just on Twitter. People don't want to
read stories on a website. But I was an aggregate.
That's all I did. I aggregated, I put stuff together,
and then I had the great thing about being an
aggregator in those days is I had people that would
reach out to me who actually had information to give
(49:21):
me stories because they wanted their you know, whatever their
agenda was to be out there. Tmz Beck. Yeah, I
got some of that, which was pretty cool. Uh, let's
see here. And then Barry also says, if Brian Finley
knows you think his updates drag on, why doesn't he
make changes to improve his segments? It's baffling to me.
You want to tackle that one, you do not. I
(49:44):
cannot speak for the one brand Finley the third rail.
That's the third rail. Jimbo and Rochester sys men, can
you add some context to the drop you use on
the show with the female broadcaster saying, and here come
the special balls, I can't figure out what game she's describing, well, Jimbo,
that is uh. Susan Waldman, the Yankee broadcaster with our
(50:05):
buddy John Sterling. And if I remember correctly, Roger Clemens
was near some milestone. This is how I remember. I'm wrong,
but as I remember Roger Clemens, it was some milestone,
whether it was a strikeout or a wind told it
was like three wins or something like that, and so
baseball made some special commemorative baseballs for that game and
(50:29):
for you know, the moment when he was about to
break whatever record he was about to break. I think
it was Clemmens. And so when he when he got
close to the record, the ball boy would hand to
the umpire the balls and so she was so excited,
here come the special balls because it was getting close
to the re record. So that's the that's the gist
(50:50):
of this. A right, that's the that's the gist of this. Uh,
let's see here. You want to get to be or
not to because I think we're getting little long right now.
Guess we did all right to be or not to be?
This guest had a coron area this week because for
a few hours, b or not to be vanished. Man,
it was gone. It was a moment of silence. Although
(51:11):
I will say I appreciate a lot of people actually
reached out and sent me snapshots of the Babylon Bee's
account being suspended. It was it was great. And then
when it got reactivated it had like five thousand followers,
so it quickly ramped up right after that though, so
they only now they have thousand or whatever. Yeah, yeah,
(51:34):
but they had stripped them of their goods. So anyways,
this is an ode to the Babylon be all satire,
of course. And these are the five titles Bend that
did not make the cut. So we've got five stories,
five titles that did not make the cut. Uh. State
of California and exploitation of workers for good by banning
all jobs. I feel like they have banned all jobs.
(51:58):
I don't think that's a that's a sad tire. I
think that's real. He can't work at restaurants. You know,
if you're a server at a restaurant, you're fucked. Uh yeah,
usement parks, churches. This is some of the guys. Frank
in l A Man, that guy, he was a hustler.
Frank in l A. He worked at Staples Center, Dodger Stadium,
(52:19):
Man the soccer stadium over near where the USC campuses
where the sportsman used to be. Uh. And he can't
work anywhere. I don't know what. I don't know what
Frank's doing, man, but he worked all he worked at
Universal Studios. That guy was a hustle. So it is
Austin that sucks. King Newsom won't allow him to hustle, No, Sarah,
not in this state. How about this one? Another title
(52:39):
that did not make the cut. Ignorant moron who doesn't
follow politics is also really happy with his life. Pretty good.
That's also true, though you don't followup. Hey, who care?
You don't get upset about this nonsense. Another one that
did not make the cut. Famed archaeologist archaeology professor fired
(53:00):
after photo surface of him wearing a Nazi uniform. That's
an ode to Harrison Ford in Indiana. Jones believer who
didn't grow up in Christian culture. Knows nothing about Christianity
except what's in the Bible. Another one that did that
did not make the cuts. Uh pull finds most Americans
(53:21):
would rather jump into volcano of angry geese than watch
Democratic Convention angry geese. And then last that did not
make the cut, Hillary Clinton congratulates nominees and asked them
to come stand on target underneath precarious dangling piano. Uh
(53:45):
decent for the first couple I thought were the best
of that. But all right, what do we now? We're
getting to meet here? Potatoes? How about this one? Local
man in Tennessee Ben is willing to go on the
internet to say that Nazis are bad. All right, so
local man in Tennessee and willing to go. Uh, let's
(54:08):
see here. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say that's the B.
Are you sure? Yes? I bet your one for one
al right? After good, I got to be, I got
to be. I got an a on the beat. You
are not shooting at a Paul George Efficiency clip right now.
(54:28):
So it's a good job by you. Second story the
B or not to be? Uh, let's see if you're
accurate on this one. Media criticizes Trump for forcing them
to tear country apart for last four years. Um, well,
this is something you would expect to like read on
CNN dot com or something I would I would imagine.
But uh, I wanna say that that is I'm gonna
(54:55):
say that's the B again. I think that's the B.
Are you sure? I'm not sure? I just I don't
think that anything. Like the media likes this perception, like
they don't attack Trump. They like to live in this
parallel universal. They don't take pot shots at the maybe
chance they get. But so I don't think they would
admit to it, you know what I'm saying. No, No,
we're I've seen clips of people on CNN said no, no,
(55:16):
nobody attacks Trump here, you know, so I would say
that's a satire. All right, Ben? Your two for two? Yeah,
there you go. How about that under the clock right now,
so we'll go at a blistering pace. How about this one?
Study finds out Democrats lore progressive voters to polls by
disguising them as riots. Alright, so they again. According to
(55:42):
a study, democrats are luring progressive voters to polls by
disguising them as riots. All right, well this has to
be that's that's easy. That has to be the Babylon
bi bet your three for three? Yeah, I was easy.
Come on, I've already won the game. Alright, sorry, going
to go four for four. Internet influencers launch donor sperm
(56:04):
giveaway on Instagram. I think the ones. I'm gonna go
real on this one. I think this one. And if
people do crazy ship on Instagram and the Internet, so
I can see some deranged lunatic going down this, I
want to say, that's legit. Yeah, Benny, you're actually right
to check this out. A same sex couple launched a
(56:26):
program basically hyping up that they want to have a
done a donor sperm giveaway on Instagram. It's two women
in fact that they announced their partnership with a company
a few days ago and they have over two hundred
thousand followers with a chance for a vial of donor sperm.
Are you in on that? I hope you win. Guess now?
(56:48):
Could you imagine how much of that to pay be
great for you? Yeah? All right? Last one, the B
or not the B. American airline, not American Airlines, but
an American airline is banning a military officer for not
sacrificing for the greater good. Uh no, no again, an
(57:13):
American airline is banning a member of the US military
for not sacrificing for the greater good. Uh I think
that's I'm gonna say that's a legitimate ben You would
five for five check this ship out. Navy Seal Robert J. O'Neill,
(57:37):
who is a member of the former Navy Seal Team six.
They banned him Delta Airlines banning he posted a picture
on on his social media account that said I'm not
a pussy and not he wasn't wearing a mask on
the flight. Oh my god. So Delta investigated and the
(57:57):
picture obviously wouldn't viral. They banned him for not sacrificing
for the greater good. So the guy that shot Osama
bin Ladin is banned from Delta because he did not sacrifice.
So he took the original advice from Dr Faucci to
not wear a mask, and he got in trouble for that.
Not the change of position. I got you, all right,
(58:20):
Uh we ran through the bat or not to be.
I know you've got places to go, Gascon and things
to do and all that. So we'll put the baby
to bed. We'll be back in the Radio Magic Radio
Box tonight leven pm in the West and two am
on Monday morning in the East, and we'll be back
out and talking about all the weekend NBA playoff games,
the good, the bad, and the ugly. Have a wonderful day.
(58:43):
Thanks for supporting the show, and we'll catch you next time.
If you thought four hours a day, minutes a week
was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse. The clearing House of Hot
takes break Free for something special. The Fifth Hour with
(00:23):
Ben Maller starts right now. That it does. We are
in the air everywhere, the vast power of podcasting, the
global reach of the download as we are bluviating the
day away. This our Sunday podcast, a spin off of
the Ben malla radio show. We tap Dance on the
(00:46):
third Rail. We do things we don't do on that
show that are only available on the podcast. To us.
Here we have a little more freedom. The FCC does
not oversea podcast, so we can say bad words, which
I'm trying to avoid that as much as I can.
But the GUESTCN has no problem dropping a F word
now and again. But not that not that F word,
(01:08):
Tom Brandon, and no, no, no, the other F worts
the other F word, uh so and in this podcast
heard it originally was weekly, just once a week, and
now it is morphed into a multiple podcast and I'm excited, guest.
We've got some big things coming up that you know
in other platforms as well, that will be happening soon,
and I'm looking forward to that. Yes, I got I
(01:30):
got some new toy. I gotta some new toys, some
new things in the arsenal. I'm I'm looking forward to
uh taking those things out of the garage, if you will.
And uh, yeah, I think you know, we'll have to
have a meeting off the podcast because I think there's
something I probably need to get that I don't have, Yeah,
that I don't have. How about this? Do you do
you have? And I'll be quick with us. Do you
(01:51):
have a propane tank? Yes? I have a barbecue propane?
So how about you fucking use it and cut that
fucking state that's been sitting in a freezers. It's a
hundred you know it's gotta be like temperature. It's too hot. Dude,
You want me to sit outside of barbecue in a
Are you out of your freaking mind? You walk last
(02:11):
week six miles in a hundred degree weather to go
take a ship in a vacant park. I didn't get
I didn't play when I left, I did not plan
on taking that ship in the in the park like that.
I did not think I would have the Tennessee Trots,
which is exactly what happened there. That was not my intention.
But cheese. There's a difference between walking in a hundred
(02:34):
ten degree weather and standing over a freaking barbecue which
is six hundred degrees that thing gets up to and
cooking it. But you know, maybe I will finally, just
so you don't have that to bitch about, I I
will consider doing. But we gotta get going here. Guess
this is very important this podcast. We pushed some things back.
So we've got pop Quiz, the mail bag, b or
(02:56):
Not to Be, and whatever else we get to. So
let's start with pop quiz here, and before we do that,
cameo dot com, cameo dot com, cameo dot com, type
my name in Ben Maller, personalized video message, birthday's, weddings,
bar Mitzvah's funerals, pep talks, you name it. I'm there
for sex capades, all right. According to research, we do
(03:19):
this about more on weekends than on week days. What
is it? Drink uh no, smile smile guess guns you
smile more on the weekend. What if you work on
the weekend. I got I uh, I used to work
on the weekend. I smiled more on the weekend. Of course,
I work on the weekend. Like I'm in the studios.
(03:40):
I'm working. I drive to work. I make the sacrifice.
I drive a long way is away to get to work.
So yeah, I smile when I weekends. All right now.
People were asked what they would give up for I
noticed what you heard. You said, They're dummy. People were
asked what they would give up forever if they never
had to pay tax. Again. What came in at number one?
(04:04):
There's significant other, So they would give up their spouse
if they never had to pay text? Yes, boy, that
is a that explains a lot about how you're swinging
bachelor there. It could be the dog, it could be
a cat. They're significant others a dog or a cat.
I don't know if you've noticed. Are you watching beast
reality porn? What are you doing here? Yes? I was
(04:26):
watching the never mind? Um um, go ahead? What do
you got all right? Watching sports? No? Yeah, that was
the number one you would stop watching? Well, this this
is been I opening because we've all stopped watching sports
for months four months, uh, five months with some of
(04:48):
the sports no sports. Actually like four months with no sports.
Hundred and thirty four days without the major professional sports leagues. Actually,
yeah it was. It was from March. The last were
played on March eleven, I like Kings and Ottawa Senators.
That was the last game of professional sports. And then
it started on July a. Hundred and thirty four days
(05:10):
without sports. The industrial complex of sports shut down, shutdown.
We all survived. We're all here, you know, We're still
here hanging out, you know, still talking. We still did
a daily sports talk radio show. With no sports. We
had more people listening during the pandemic, during the apocalypse,
uh than ever. It's crazy, all right, experts say, the
(05:30):
smell of this makes you feel happy and relaxed. Flowers. No,
it's close though. It's in that John, And this is
something I like the smell of a lot. I love
the smell of gas, but this is not gas fresh
cut grass. That's good. Yeah, it's something like magical about you.
When I remember I was flashes back to that I
(05:50):
was a kid, a little league, and I remember being
out in the outfield because they put the fat kids
out in the outfield. You put the fat kid out
in left field and smell the grass and just felt great.
It's something fresh cut grass. It's really good. Even of
people with a smartphone have this. By the way, I'm
included on this. They have a secret compartment for pictures. No,
(06:17):
they have a crack screen. Yeah, my screen is cracked.
I gotta get a face bucks for an iPhone six. Yeah,
there's a spot next to the Geico studios that does
it for pop. Is that a good price? I don't know. No,
I don't think so. It's probably more expensive than it
needs to be, right, Yeah. L A D l A
D screens are are double the price though, so if
(06:38):
you're gonna droid, it's double the price. Oh so iPhones cheaper? Yeah?
Oh good, Okay, thank you for that. Yeah, I need
to get that fixed. About thirty people never experience this.
Um heartbreak? Uh no, wisdom teeth? Oh how were you
when you get your wisdom teeth pulled? I don't remember.
(06:59):
It's all the same, I you know, I don't I
have I just remember having recollections of eating ice cream
and things like that, But I don't remember exactly how
old I was. Almost sixty. Of moms say this is
the best way to discipline their kids. I think this
number should be higher, in the sixty percent. I think
the moms are doing a bad job on this because
(07:20):
moms ought to do better than slapping them. Yes, corporal
punishment to slap got my ass kicked. When I was
a kid, I had the one time I had the belt.
That's it. But I have the belt. Uh. The answer, though,
guests gun is to take away their video games. Yeah,
(07:44):
but see, just be higher than six the video this
is this is the punishment. But see, this is tough
though for parents nowadays, because not only do you need
to take away either a PlayStation or an xbox, but
then you gotta take away the cell phone, and then
you got to take away the iPad, and then you
gotta take away like a Mac or a PC. And
I don't know about you, but when I got busted,
my parents would try to hide that stuff. I'd find
(08:05):
it eventually, but you know, you got you gotta hide
alsh it. Need to have a great hiding place, a
vault somewhere you can hide stuff. All right. This happens
about seventy five times a year to the average household.
What is it? I think we might have had this
one before, but it's I forgot so seventy five times
of your average household. This happens a lot in the
Mallard mansion. But I don't do it. Um toilet flooding
(08:31):
seventy five times the other toilet. Uh no, it's you
can lose a remote control. You know what happens. You
don't have a remote on your phone? No, no, we
have the remote with the TV, and uh you use
your phone as the remote? Is that? I don't know,
but but I used to have one with my Android
(08:51):
and yeah, yeah, I remember when I at Staples Center
the I I would sit near the pearly gates at
the games there and they it's very hard to turn
the chances you would have the remote control and the guy,
one of the guys who worked at Staple Center side,
you'd be downloads this app. You can, you know, connect
to any TV and you can. You can as a
(09:12):
remote control. I could never figure it out. I don't
think I had the right kind of phone. I think
my phone was too old at the time and it
wouldn't work with the phone. But yeah, that's pretty cool
that you can do that. But I my trick is
and I learned this recently because my lovely wife loves
to lose the remote control. I'm gonna put it back
the same place. Guy, I'm gonna put it back the
same place. Guy. Uh, my wife is not um and
(09:35):
so so'll lose it. And last time we're let me.
The last time it broke because he got dropped. And
so this is a veteran savvy move. Now a lot
of people just go to the story said, well, I'm
gonna buy a universal remote. Don't do it. You look
up the brand of your television, all right, I've Samsung TV.
Like Samsung makes the greatest TV. So I I will
(09:56):
go on the internet and go into like one of
the way websites and find the remote control that goes
with the television and buy a replacement because they I
used to buy the universal remote, but they never worked, right,
they were never the same. And if you can find,
and you can now because of the Internet, you can
find is the exact remote control? What color? What colors
(10:17):
are remote control? It's black? Okay, mine's white. I gotta
have the white because I'll lose that ship really quick.
I do that with my cell phone. Bet on black.
Come on, man, what's wrong? With you. Alright, Uh, due
to the current pandemic. There is a shortage of this
food item. Did you see this this week? No? I
guess the obvious answer would be meat, right, well, it
(10:39):
is a meat product, but not that's kind of a general,
all encompassing answer. Pepperoni, pepperoni. There's a shortage of pepperoni.
I've also noticed the shortage of coins. I've seen more
signs recently that they are not a lot of stores.
I go to Walmart, they are demanding that you give
(11:00):
of the exact If you pay with cash, you have
to give the exact amount of Boy, there's a restaurant
I pick up food from they did the same thing.
They're like, no, you gotta play with the exact. No,
no cash only credit cards. Isn't that bad? Really? All right?
The average US family of four will save about four
(11:20):
hundred dollars on this activity in compared to last years.
It's said more than that's got to be higher than
four hundred. But the answer is birthday parties. Hard to
have a birthday party when if you have a party,
the mayor of Los Angeles will turn off your power
(11:40):
and all that a little difficult to do that all right.
It's hard to believe, but two of Americans say they
have never eaten one of these. It's a delicious item.
I eat this at least once a week, and I've
done it for years. Once a week. Yep, um, I'm
(12:01):
gonna go. I'm gonna go off the A little bit
a peanut butter and jelly salvwich. I love the peanut
butter and jelly, but I don't eat that. Let me
give you a clue. I usually eat this, not Monday,
not Wednesday night. I eat on Tuesday. Tuesday. Yeah, um man,
(12:22):
uh do do do do do? Do Do a bagel? Yes,
bagel Tuesday, Taco Tuesday. You dummy was Hoco tuo. I
thought you save your Mexican food for the weekends. No no,
I eat well. I have a usually a two day fast.
Sunday I don't eat. Monday I don't eat, and then
Tuesday I eat, and then I don't eat on Wednesday.
(12:43):
I eat on Wednesday, I don't eat on Thursday. It
was usually how that goes? All right? Yeah, I thought you.
I thought you purposely save your Mexican food for the weekend.
No no, I eat that once during the week and
then I'm usually make some different stuff on the weekends.
But how about that two percent of people have never
had a taco. That sucks? What do they all live?
What are they live in? Like Wyoming? Yeah, South Dakota.
(13:05):
I mean, come on, live a little bit. It's not
that hard easy to make. Be sure to catch live
editions of The Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am
Eastern Pacific. All right, thanks to the pandemic, this popular
summertime treat is piling up in warehouses. People not eating it.
Cotton candy, no peanuts? Really, yeah? Do you think baseball
(13:31):
games peanuts? You think all the fairs? Yeah, all that
roasted peanuts, you name it. Honey roasted peanuts is a
go to. It's like honey roasted peanuts, corn nuts, and
maybe sunflower seeds. Honey roasted peanuts because they're covered in sugar, salt,
cover anything. Yeah, this sugar salt fat dimension is good
(13:52):
on that. All right. You know the ten percent of
people say this is something they never like to do,
no matter what, no matter what, brush their teeth flies.
No hug someone, I'm a hugger. Yeah you are. I
(14:14):
like to hug. Yeah, you're not a hugger. It depends
on you're not depends on what she looks like. Wow,
all right. A new survey asked Americans to name one
purchase that gave them buyers remorse. What was the most
popular answer, An engagement ring, An engagement ring. It's funny.
(14:39):
I know, a new car. I was gonna say a car.
That's the obvious. So every car that you've gotten, though,
have you gotten off the lot or have you bought
it used? Well, the last car I got was used.
I will never buy a new car, but I always
bought new cars. And then somebody took me aside and said, hey, stupid,
what are you doing. You get a pre owned car
(15:01):
that doesn't have that many miles on it. That's the
way to go. So what is it? It's it's buying
a car new and buying a boat. Those are your
two worst significant investments. Right. Yeah. I will never drive
a new car again unless the people that Premiere Networks
decided to give me a Colin Cowherd like contract, and
then I will buy new cars. New car. That's all right,
(15:24):
Come on down the showcase, showdown, all right? Last one
on popcut of men do this when they're having a
bad day. What is it only okay, so it can't
be drinking. Now, that's not drink Um. I'm gonna say,
(15:47):
pick a fight. It's in that same family, but not
pick a fight. It's breaks something, okay, like you know,
take a cup and shatter it or you know that
kind of yeah, break something. Yeah. Um. So that that's
the answer, right, that's the last part. We have a
few study there's a lot of these coronavirus things. You're
interested in any of that are You're like, are you over?
(16:07):
Are we getting better? No, we're getting dumber. There's a
there was a new survey out that found Americans believe
people aged fifty five and older made up about half
seven point seven percent of the total coronavirus desk. It's
actually nine but people below that age are convinced that
(16:29):
it's you know, it's like fifty fifties not. They also
found the same study found that Americans believe people aged
forty four and younger made up about thirty percent of
the total coronavirus desk. It's less than three percent. Now,
it's sad when people young, and there are young people
that have died from this, but statistically speaking, it's anecdotal,
(16:51):
you know, what I mean, it's it's an anecdotal number,
but people you know, can give them the facts and
they people can't handle It's like we talked about with
the nuance with you and basketball. People can't handle the
new once they don't deal with it. There's a reason
why the younger group is magnified. It's it's because it's
driven to be polarizing. That if you get someone that's
in their teens or twenties that contracts it and dice
(17:12):
from it, then that obviously means it's the same as
an individual that's in their sixties and seventies. So they
want to obviously canvass the scope of Americans dying from
this thing. Yeah, and then they're doing a heck of
a job. But it's pretting the spreading the word. Now
the other thing here, uh, wearing a mask, not wearing
(17:32):
a mask? They said, flying, you know you you have
not flown, right, A lot of people have not flown.
No one's flying. So there was a study out which
I assume was done by the airline industry, but who
knows it says, assuming everyone wearing it was wearing a mask,
the risk of contracting the coronavirus on a flight is
just one in four. The odds are lower to one
(17:54):
in seven thousand, seven hundred if the airline has adopted
the no middle seat policy. Well that makes sense because
obviously you're having less traffic and less air circulating through
the cabin. Let me tell you something, gas Scott, I
was an advocate for the no middle seat having that
empty prior to prior to co morbidly obese, I had
(18:14):
been completely supporting that. And yes, that was that was
the dread the dreaded middle seat. When you get on
the plane there, Oh my god, that was when we
launched what we need to launch in a few months
and we get that big pay day. We can talk
about this on a on a flight. Oh is all right,
we're going to fight. Let go look, go to Europe
(18:35):
or some bullshit, some bullshit like Europe, go to Italy.
Hang on if we're allowed to though Americans, I don't know.
I'm not allowed right now in Europe. So how many
countries are we banned from? Uh? Well, we got New Zealand,
we got Australia, and we got I imagine the entire
European Union. Right, we'll go to Syria. Are we allowed Syria?
(18:56):
I can't even know if we can go to Japan
right now, to be frank, really, yeah, I don't think.
I don't know if we can go to Japan. All right?
What about China? Ron? And yeah, remember that job you
wanted me to go apply for and go to China
a few years ago? That would have been It was great, dude,
he would have run China. You would be like, he'd
(19:17):
be like right there in the comment a little bit
shot dead. Oh no, not at all. They would have
loved you. Yea. I guess scan was up for a
job in China. Yeah, you didn't you talk to somebody
about that, did recruiter? Oh? Jeez? How man? It paid
a lot, right, Yeah, it paid pretty well. Go there
(19:39):
and do it for a couple of years. You know,
why not magnify your name a little bit. You could
become like the Stefan Marbury, a broadcasting stefn Marbury failed
out as an NBA player, never became as great as
he was supposed to be. And then I went to
China and they had a fucking museum for him. Remember
that they worshiped him. They genuflected to stef Stefawn Armbor,
(20:00):
making some some sneakers in the cheap too. That's right,
the starbarrs speaker sneakers. Let's see what else do we
have here. We don't have too much time. We're gonna
keep the train of moving as they stay. All right,
why don't we move on? You want a mailbag? You
got be or not to be? Here? You want to
be or not to be, So let's do a mailbag first.
(20:21):
Before you do that, I gotta give a good shout out.
And I gotta ask you this. Anthony and Anaheim twittered
out a picture to to me and a couple other
people a few days ago. And I want to ask
you if you've ever had this, because we were talking
about dessert. I think you and I like a week
or two ago. Um, it's a dessert called It's it? Oh?
(20:41):
Is that the they used to sell at Dodger Stadium?
Is that an ice cream sandwich covered chocolate? Yes? Have
you called it a Coola coup? They used to call
I think the Coola coup? Yes, that thing is great.
And I I let a campaign when I did the
Ben and Dave Show locally. Yeah, I let a campaign
because Dodger Stadium changed concessions contors and they got rid
of the cool coup the greatest ice cream sandwich. Well,
(21:05):
and I think greatest. It's the second greatest ice cream
sandwich behind the traditional chocolate chip cookie vanilla ice cream
jumbo sized ice cream sandwich. But that is an amazing
treat on a hot summer day at Dodger Stadium when
it's like ninety five degrees out and that sun is
burning down and you're sitting there and you're burning up
watching the game, and you get one of those cool coos.
(21:26):
Oh man, now I call it. It is available around here.
I don't know if it's national, I don't know about that,
but it is available. Yeah, I asked, like Smart and Final.
I think they sell yes, okay, yeah, because he said
of getting out in your Belinda, and I'm like, I'm
not driving out there for that, but yeah, I think
you can get it at Smart and Final and maybe
even some Walmart locations in southern California. It looks awesome.
(21:51):
That's good sandwich. That's good. Why did he send that
to you? That's kind of weird, is he? It might
have been because we were talking about Yeah, we were
talking about No, we weren't talking about it. Steve Hartman.
Steve Hartman's ex wife, Denise, who's up in the valley.
Then she's a smoke show first of all. Second of all,
she's an amazing cook. And so every weekend Steve has
(22:14):
had his ex wife that he lives with bake something
for the staff, like she's made brownies, banana bread muffins
and Friday cookies. His ex wife is his together. No,
Steve's got a very successful past life. Now our our
(22:34):
new life now that he's divorced. But his ex wife
is an amazing cook. It's like the stuff that she's
baked is tremendous. So anyway, so she's supposed to be
making some some cookies that are are heavily based in
in mint. And that's why Anthony had tweeted this thing
out because an ice cream sandwich in mint. So oh
(22:56):
all right, well that's listen. I love the cool cool
that's a good looking sandwich right there at the time.
I haven't not had one of those in years. I'm
leaning me now, as you know, man, I'm leaning me, man.
But then see, I blame the wife on this because
she bought some some clothes that are a little uh
(23:17):
lower size, you know, and all that and so so
now every time I eat, I feel like, oh, I'm
not gonna fit my clothes. I told her, I said,
keep my fat close. I'll be back in the my
fat clothes. I'll be back. I'll fall off the wagon
at some point, I'll be back as long as you're
not swimming in your clothes. And it's all good. They
don't want him like too baggy on you. Yeah, yeah,
that's true. All right, let's get to the mail bag.
(23:38):
These are questions send and remember follow the show, like
our our Facebook page. That really helps us out on
their Ben Maller's show on Facebook. Like our page, and
you can be a contributor. That's really a key part
of being in the Mallar militia. Right. You can consume, consume, consume.
But the cool thing about it is you can add
the content with questions and you don't even have to
call in anymore. You can just post things on social media.
(24:00):
So it's kind of cool. All right. So the mail
bag also Real fifth Hour at gmail dot com at
a little light on the email this week, Real fifth
Hour at gmail dot com. So this one comes from
Dolphin Mike who's in Pennsylvania's is my ten and twelve
year old sons. I would like to know why you
talked for twenty minutes about dropping a deuce on the
(24:22):
toilet seat on your number one fifth hour podcast. That's
signed Mallard Troll Dolphin Mike with Dolphin Mike. First of all,
you want to you Wanta, You're you're a bad parent.
You're a freaking Dolphin fan. All right, that's a bad
job by you with the Miami bleep in dolphins. Okay,
what a freaking joke that is. And you're gonna that's
(24:44):
child abuse because you're gonna force your kids to be
Dolphin fans, and I hope they become Patriot fans. Just
to rub it in your face, how about that, Dolphin Mike.
All Right, you don't worry about my ship habits, Okay,
I mean I am out there busting my ass. I am.
I'm relatable like Gascon and these people west of the
four or five. Do you think guess Gunn has problems
(25:05):
all the time and he didn't talk about this. He
doesn't talk about these kind of issues that make him relatable.
Every other day he has some kind of diarrhe or
constipation or something like that, and he doesn't bring it up.
But when I have mone Zuma's arrange, I talked about
it because I am relatable to the common man. Dolphin like,
That's why I do it. False fan Jimmy writes in
(25:27):
says from Big Orange Country. I says, Ben, do you
think now that you have uncontrollable bowel syndrome it is
time for adult diapers? Yes, yes, yes, it's only happened twice.
I had my gallbladder taken out November three of twenty nineteen,
and ever since then, it's happened two times where I've
(25:49):
had a little situation where I did not make it
to the finish line and I had a little premature
situation that came out there. And so I'll be all right,
I I I I just think once in a while,
this is gonna happen. This is my new life, and
I'm okay with it. I don't like it, but that's
just the way it is, so I'll deal with it.
(26:09):
I should set up a go fund me account. My
wife Will said that I should pack when I go
on these long walks, toilet paper, just in case, Just
in case. Uh, phil in oswego right, So he says,
what is an embarrassing moment in your professional radio career
that you still think about to this day. Shooting yourself
(26:31):
ten minutes before a show does not apply. Well, that
did happen, as you know, Phil, that's a previous podcast,
the Fateful ten minute Clock. And I had to clean
up and I had to wash my hands in the
washroom and then you pretend like nothing happened and do
the show. But I, as a trained professional, I was
able to pull that off. But let me think I'll
(26:52):
give you a story, Phil. Years ago, I was doing
local radio at Extra Sports eleven fifty, soon to become
Sports Radio eleven fifty. Uh, And they had a party
for the remember the movie Animal House, old movie Animal House.
It's a classic Hollywood classic and Belushi and all that.
(27:13):
So so anyway, this was like the h I don't know,
twentieth anniversary of Animal House, and they had a DVD
release party with footage that had never been seen before, right,
And so they the movie studio hired us to promote
the DVD and there was a party with the living actors.
Belushi was dead at this point, but the people that
(27:34):
were still alive that had been in the Animal House
got together at a swanky bar on Westwood Boulevard, just
down from the U c. L A campus, And so
we were doing a remote and we were supposed to
interview these actors who were not really acting anymore because
they passed their prime. But but then an animal house
and so I'll never forget the boss, the Great Mike Thompson.
(27:57):
He said, listen this to make this promotion really good.
It was the Ben and Dave show. Dave Smith, We're
gonna get you guys to wear togas and do the
show wearing togas. So I showed up to do the show,
go in the bathroom, have to strip down in my underwear,
put on a toga. And then he had the idea
to try to get some excitement before we started the show,
(28:18):
to go out on Westwood Boulevard in the fucking toga
and uh and wave at people to to create some excitement.
So of course we did, and it was it was
very embarrassing, very remember we were having a conversation. We
were like we walked out together, like you were so embarrassed.
It was like, oh man, we both want to be
(28:39):
in radio. We want to be on the air, and
this is what we're doing. This is where we are
a fucking toga on Westwood Boulevard. Ridiculous. Was it a
windy day? I was evening time because we were doing
a night shows like it was evening time. But it
was yeah, I mean it wasn't. Wasn't Wendy, wasn't Unfortunately,
it wasn't. It wasn't cold, it wasn't hot. It was
(29:00):
kind of mild, you know, a typical Westwood whether as
I remember. Did you get hit on by anybody? Oh? God, no, no, please,
It's got a very eclectic group of people to hang
on that area. Oh, I see what you're saying. I
see what you're saying. Be sure to catch live editions
of the Ben Maller Show weekdays at two am Eastern
eleven p m. Pacific, uh Pierre in Springfield, Mass Right
(29:23):
soon there's any chance that Gagon has any furlough time
due to miss the podcast anytime soon, maybe you could
bring Eddie off his took isn't go away from the
Punk podcast to fill in. All right, whatever you do,
don't bring in Finley a k A. Gag On after dark.
Well let me answer that question for you. Um. First
(29:43):
of all, I don't make as much money. As ben,
so I'm not subject to the furlowing hours that not
all of us can make seven digit salaries. Um, so
I I do not. And also I I very generously
kindly volunteer my time to be a part of this podcast.
So I don't think you're gonna find another sucker here
(30:05):
that'll do that. So, so, to rephrase with Gascon just
said that he's a martyr, Right, he's a martyr, he's
the he's the victim. Oh, it's poor me, team play.
Oh it's so bad. I'm a victim. I'm a victim.
My God, ever will ever quit with the SOB stories?
(30:30):
He asked the question, I'm answering the question, what do
you want from man? God? What all right? Moving? Listen?
Many people would like Gagon gone, but he's here every week.
Carlos in Bang Bang Whistle Whistle, Houston, Texas Home of
the Cheaters, says, you've taken a lot of bad financial
(30:54):
advice from people. Why don't you take some advice from Gagon?
You have nothing to lose. Well, actually I have everything
to lose. I have everything left to lose. So I
haven't given you any bad advice. Yeah, I don't know.
I actually did talk, I said the other day, I
talked to a real financial person, So I don't know.
I don't know who everyone's got hot takes. Who the
(31:14):
hell knows? Okay, I told you Apple, and we did
Apple at the same time and got the same payout.
So yeah, I'm actually tempted to sell No, no, no,
because it's already gone up, and I believe it was
gonna go down once the split happens. My theory is
it's gonna go down. How about that. That's fine, make
(31:39):
some money right now, get in, get out. Well, if
that's your goal, like if that was your idea to
get in and make it was my idea originally. But
oh man, look at that. Wow, I don't Another big
day today is we are doing the podcast in real time. Yeah,
it's shut up like ten percent. It's a pretty good
return on investment right there. It's a pretty good return
(32:01):
on investment. I'll tell you that. Alright. Let's see here,
I didn't realize. Maybe I'll hold on to it all right,
Clayton Wright saying we're doing the mail back Clayton writes,
and he says, when you first began fasting, how long
did it take you to get a to a twenty
four hour fast than forty eight hours. That's a good question, Clayton.
(32:23):
I started doing sixteen hour fast, and I went up
to eighteen hours after a couple of weeks, and then uh,
twenty four. I drink a lot of water. I just
don't eat. I feel like if I can fill my
stomach up, it's like a mine trick. I can feel
I can feel like I'm full because my stomach is
filled with water, and then I don't really worry about it.
(32:43):
But the other problem is I'm a type a Clayton
personality where I I'm very competitive, which is a blessing
and a curse. So I'm like, well, I can keep going.
I don't have to stop. You know, mind over matter,
if it doesn't mind, If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
So that kind of thing. But my advice is, and
you should never listen to somebody on the radio or
(33:03):
a podcast on how to do this. You should consult
with a professional. But my theory on how to do
the fast thing is you start out. It's baby steps.
You know, if you can't even do sixteen hours, start
out with ten hours, and then a week later cranking
up to twelve a week later cranking up to fourteen,
then a week later cranking up to sixteen, and then
slowly and surely you'll you'll be able to do it.
(33:24):
But you know, it takes I think it's sixty six days,
I believe is the number to change the habit. We've
talked about that before, according to research, So it takes
more than two months before it becomes just AUTOMATICA Well,
if you want a couple of quick hacks on this um,
there's two things right out of the gate. One is
(33:45):
don't eat after seven o'clock at night, and two, try
to get eight hours to sleep. So if you're getting
eight hours of sleep and your goal is too fast
for eighteen hours, then you're nearly halfway there. Yeah, you're
really only fasting ten hours while you're awake, right, So
it's yeah and there. So there's ways to get around that. Obviously.
What I do, of course, with the four or five
(34:07):
hours of sleep makes it the degree of difficulty goes up. GISCA,
you cheat, you take? How do I cheat? I have
to deal with your dumbass enemy. Photos of delicious pizza,
cheeseburgers and all kinds of wonderful food you take and
don't you take some pills. Don't you take some caffeine
pills only on Thursday into Friday, because that's the worst.
(34:31):
I get like three hours of sleep to to do
these podcasts. It's cheating. It's not cheating. How is that cheating? Man?
P DS? Yes, all right, Chris in my Cocona Cocona,
he says, what is your worst bathroom experience at a game?
Can't be as bad as your park story. I'm still
(34:54):
traumatized from Wrigley's p troughs. Uh yeah, I don't. Yeah,
I don't remember any really bad situations, although at the
Sports Arena when the Clippers played there, and they nobody
ever went to those games except when they would play
like Larry Burton the Celtics, or Jordan and the Bulls,
or you know, you Wing and the Knicks and those
(35:15):
big or the Lakers would come in with magic in
that group. So whenever a good team would come in
to play the Clippers, the Sports Arena infrastructure was such
where it couldn't handle the crowd, so the toilets would flow,
they would flood, and so you'd be standing there at
the trough to do your business or go into the
(35:35):
stall and you'd be standing in about an inch or
two inches of piss water. So, but that's not really
something that I did. That's just what the arena did.
And then I also remember when I was a kid,
I was an Angels game. My dad took me to
an Angels Tigers game. Tigers has some really good teams
in those days, like chet Lemon and Gibson and those guys.
(35:56):
And uh, and I'm sitting in the stadium and someone
from the upper deck hit through a cigarette and landed
on my head and burned my head. But that's not
really a bathroom. So I just I just popped into
my head for some reason. It's a non sequitary. I
apologized Chris and cocon it's a bad job by me.
Do you have an answer to that? I guess I
(36:17):
did have one. It was Game five of the Stanley
Cup Final between the Ducks and the Ottawa Senators. I
don't know what. Maybe my inner fan got the best
of me, but I became so sick as soon as
the Ducks won the Stanley Cup. Grew up as a
Kings fan. Ben I had this giant rush that I
(36:39):
needed to go hit the hit the bathroom and it
was at the end when the cup was being raised,
I raced right out of the Honda Center because I
couldn't deduce there. And I the Honda Center. How it's
a line is that there's corporate buildings behind it and
on the east side of the building. So I raced
into one of the vague at buildings and and flash
(37:02):
like a fake badge, and yeah, I was like, man,
and I sat there for like twenty minutes. It was
if that bathroom was I think that's you're like the
Olden Polonies type. That's an Olden Polonies type move, I believe. Yeah,
probably the badge. And I'm a big fan. If you're
(37:22):
driving somewhere and you gotta go, you find a hotel.
Always find a hotel because they're always hotel lobby. Yeah,
well the hotel restrooms are always keeping there, keeping clean
keeping plan. So we actually had this conversation the other
day that Ned Flanders guy the Quaker oats gut, occasionally
works at the company. He loves to drop a deuce
(37:44):
at work. I don't understand I complained about this, but
I want to expand on this more. Like to me,
one of the cool things about radio is if you
do a show it's a three or four hour show, yes,
And it seems like most of the people that work
in our industry cannot go three or four hours without
eating a meal, and also can't go three or four
(38:06):
hours without taking a deuce. Somewhere along the way, it
is it's unreal. Well, to be fair, guys like him
and myself are here for nine hours. So what I
can go nine hours with dropping a pool. I'm better
than you. I can contain. Well, maybe not now, but
for the balance of my life when I before I
(38:27):
became superhuman without my gall bladder, I could do it. Well,
it depends on what you eat. But just don't eat.
How about that? Yeah? I could do that. Stick I don't.
You don't. You don't ship where you make your money
and eat which is which is work? You shouldn't eat
it work either. I just if you're there for fifteen hours,
(38:48):
that's different. But you got coming into a three hour
show on a Saturday, and you gotta eat a meal.
I just love how our restrooms have signs on it
now that says, please wash your hands and please piss
in the toilet. Some fancy instructional how to use the bathroom?
Is that right? Is that it's it's embarrassing. The bathrooms.
(39:09):
I would have designed them differently, you know, as one person,
one customer at a time. Why not have two stalls?
How about that? No guys are messy, you know, you
gotta hurdle trash cans and you're in the studio when
you're here. Oh, I know. I don't miss that, man,
I don't miss the Every Sunday night I would come
into the overnight show and it would smell like a
(39:31):
rotting dumpster from all the chicken uneaten chicken and the
fish meat that people would throw in the trash cans
and the rotting vegetables and all that ship and uh
it was so annoying as it was ridiculous. And I
occasionally I would do play by play on what people
were eating over the weekend in Fox Sports Radio. Yeah,
that's pretty good their habits, you know, and what they
(39:53):
were doing and all that stuff. So all right, what
is next year? Chris from Edmonton says Ben. When you
first started doing takes in sports, what was the hardest
part of remembering all of the information. Uh, well, Chris,
I think I don't know that that's the right way
to phrase it. I think there's an art to learning
how to break down a game. So I'm trying to
(40:15):
teach Gascon, you know, Gascons, Lebron fanboy, and when I
the nuance I have in slicing, I'm very proud of.
I learned from some legends when I first started that
taught me how to watch a game and what to
look for. Uh. I happened to be buddies with a
lot of the old stat guys that were doing like
(40:37):
Chick Heernstad guy, Vince Scully's that guy, and they told
me some things to look for. No, obviously I've taken
that to the next level. Uh with with the way
that I break down a game, it's uh, they never
went full full rogue, but especially like the NBA playoffs,
I'm having fun with that because I feel like I'm
really good at the NFL playoffs and fell. You know,
(41:02):
I think I think I've gotten decent. I don't be
like a narcissist like Gascon, but I work at it,
and there there is an art to it to break
it down because a lot of these guys don't. You
can tell when they don't watch the game and they
just read the box score and uh, big game and
I don't watch you all again. I'm gonna say I
tell you I do, and I'm I'm a flipper. But
if it's a big playoff game and I know I'm
(41:22):
gonna be probably doing a monologue on it, like when
Lebron's playing or the Clippers are playing or something like that,
I I'm locked in. I have laser like focus. I
only turn away. It's TNT. I don't turn away because
I love Barkley. At halftime, I'll keep it on there,
but I turn away when they do the activism stuff.
I'll turn out and go watch a ballgame or something
like that, and then because I know it takes about
three minutes, and then I'll be back. Um, but really,
(41:43):
Chris and Edmonton breaking down a box score and breaking
down a game in general, watching it and then knowing
what the key parts are that the untrained I would
not know that to me is the hardest thing. But
once you learn it, it's on. It's a lot of fun.
Have a good time with it. Uh, let's see here.
(42:04):
Will says, Hey, I just want to hear all of
your nickname. So Will wants to hear the nicknames you
want to All Right, here we go I am known
as the spin Master of Misinformation, the bannering Broadcaster, the
Beethoven of bs, Curmudgeon of commentary, Chasm of Sarcasm, czare Zany,
the dark Night of Weeknights sports Radio, Mogul of mischief,
(42:25):
Benny the Brazen, King of Zing, Moneyball Mallard, Facetious Fox,
Sultan of Insult and Jumping Jack of wisecrack, Insight of
overnight Medicine, Man Mallard, neigh Bob of Negativity, Sage of Outrage,
Pinnacle of cynical, Prince of Prepostors, Professor of propaganda, hazar
(42:45):
If I permably, and the mad Hatter of sports chatter.
That's only half my nicknames. Gascon, what's that you want?
The other half? Okay, you know Gascon called for it.
He just send in my headphones. Give me the other half.
I am known as the Baron of Balgladesh, the Big
gall Bladder, Bennice, the Menace, Captain needs your General of Degenerates,
(43:06):
Tycoon of Tease, Master of Disaster, the Hustler of Philip Buster,
night Light of night Life, Pummeler of Producers, Benny Brightside,
Manity of Insanity, mark Cony Mallard Emissary of Embellishment, Weeknight
win Back, Wizard of Wacky, Slayer of Naysayers, Grant Goober
of Gap Tower of Babylon, Honest Adonis, Nocturnal Colonel, the
(43:32):
Underdog of Monologue, and the Holy Pope of the Slippery Slope.
Thank you very much. I'll be here all night. It's
a long list of the great list of nicknames, original nicknames.
There's other ones that I I left off. If you want,
I can give you some of the ones that did
not make and prefer not. You've You've done God's work
(43:54):
for the day with that. Alright, Well, let you go.
You have no nickname. You have one nickname, aggon. You
know how how come the butcher Finley has more nicknames
than you? What's up with that? I don't know. There's
a reason why he's he's giving himself nicknames. The hell
are you talking about? That is true, he has given himself.
Well he that's not the buckaroo he earned by uh
(44:19):
saying something during a news update that you're not supposed
to say in the backwards cowboy right. Uh, yeah, you
know I didn't say that. It was something. Yeah, it
was a sexual position that Finley thought was a good
way to describe the outcome of a game. Bro. It
was a verse cowgirl, I verse cowgirls. So we gave
(44:40):
him the nickname Buckaroo. Has Finley said that the butcher
because he butchers the show because a twenty minute updates
Ned Flanders because he did he didn't know who Ned
Flanders was. Yeah, I can't believe that one. I mean,
rong Button Bob is probably best one that we get. Yeah, well,
that's the great the fact that he's kept his job
and be promoted by the company when he shut the
(45:01):
entire thing off. If you don't know the story about
wrong Button Bob, Bob Garrett, my old producer, we had
some technical issues with the computer. So I said, hey,
can you go in the back? Is this hole? To do?
You have to walk down the hall, turn a corner,
open a door, turn a corner again, turner and walked
to the end, turn turn right, holy and so I said, hey,
(45:22):
can you reset the computer? He said ye, prop So
he walks away. I'm in the studio getting ready to talk,
and then like a ten twenty seconds later, everything goes off.
The entire network went off the air, and thus the
nickname wrong Button Bob was born. We also found out
(45:43):
what happens if we get knocked off the air gas
gun you have. It's it's prior programming, right, like it's
evergreen programming, but it was evergreen programming from like years
ago that they had saved in the queue to play
like just generic random rows that they put in there
and play. Maybe we should do that again where they
have to play something generic and it's our podcast. It's
(46:07):
a great idea that you curse all the time. So
I don't know they do commercial airways. We could do
like one evergreen hour of generic boring like nine nineties
sports talk. You know, they're like FRANCESSA breaking. Here's the
Yankee lineup. You've got Jetter leading off. You got you know,
knob blocks in the number two. You know you just
to go down the list, right, that would be pretty
(46:29):
damn good. Yeah, exactly? All right? So will I give
you the nicknames? Trucker Joe double O seven in Pennsylvania. Uh,
he's a Twitter guy, says for you and gascon or gagon,
big toes or thumbs? Which one could you live without? Oh?
I think you would prefer to have if you had
(46:52):
to choose, you'd rather have normal thumbs and big toes,
right yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's pretty easy, isn't it. Yuh,
Although balance is key, that's tough. The thumbs could come
in handy in some area. But I'll go big toes.
Yeah yeah, I'll go y'all go big toes. Like if
(47:15):
your boxer and you have big thumps, big fat fumbs,
you could you can deliver some damage, right yeah. But
I mean if you're holding like a weapon, opening a door,
trying to crack a can. Yeah, all right, keep you
on here, Barry, and Chattanooga says, hey, bet we see
(47:35):
Joe Rogan and now Clay Travis making great strides on
web the website arena. Do you wish you had kept
your website ben mallow dot com going and any chance
you might start one up? Well, Barry, thank you for that.
I guess uh, you know, I don't regret getting rid
of ben dot com because I was I was working
(47:56):
in radio full time at the time most of that stretch,
and it just was nonstuff. I had no life other
than working. I was doing that seven days a week
and the radio going on, I had no social life.
I didn't get much attention at all from the kinder
gentler gender because I was working all the time and
(48:18):
so that and the fact that I wasn't I had
made a decent amount of money. I was working with
Fox Sports and Yahoo. But then after that, it's kind
of like with social media, the money wasn't really there,
and so you know, I was like, hey, follow the money.
But there's there's a guy that one of the bigger
name guys at ESPN that I know who every time
(48:40):
he sees me, he said, you should have kept the website.
You should have kept the website. He always busts my
balls when I see it. But I might might bring
it back. I mean, if if the radio thing doesn't
work out, you know, and that could end at any moment,
I could bring back the the website. I know how
to do it. It's a lot different now than it
was when I did. I think it's easier to do
(49:01):
it now. It's it's harder in some areas, and it's
easier in some ways. It was harder. It's harder now
because everything is just on Twitter. People don't want to
read stories on a website. But I was an aggregate.
That's all I did. I aggregated, I put stuff together,
and then I had the great thing about being an
aggregator in those days is I had people that would
reach out to me who actually had information to give
(49:21):
me stories because they wanted their you know, whatever their
agenda was to be out there. Tmz Beck. Yeah, I
got some of that, which was pretty cool. Uh, let's
see here. And then Barry also says, if Brian Finley
knows you think his updates drag on, why doesn't he
make changes to improve his segments? It's baffling to me.
You want to tackle that one, you do not. I
(49:44):
cannot speak for the one brand Finley the third rail.
That's the third rail. Jimbo and Rochester sys men, can
you add some context to the drop you use on
the show with the female broadcaster saying, and here come
the special balls, I can't figure out what game she's describing, well, Jimbo,
that is uh. Susan Waldman, the Yankee broadcaster with our
(50:05):
buddy John Sterling. And if I remember correctly, Roger Clemens
was near some milestone. This is how I remember. I'm wrong,
but as I remember Roger Clemens, it was some milestone,
whether it was a strikeout or a wind told it
was like three wins or something like that, and so
baseball made some special commemorative baseballs for that game and
(50:29):
for you know, the moment when he was about to
break whatever record he was about to break. I think
it was Clemmens. And so when he when he got
close to the record, the ball boy would hand to
the umpire the balls and so she was so excited,
here come the special balls because it was getting close
to the re record. So that's the that's the gist
(50:50):
of this. A right, that's the that's the gist of this. Uh,
let's see here. You want to get to be or
not to because I think we're getting little long right now.
Guess we did all right to be or not to be?
This guest had a coron area this week because for
a few hours, b or not to be vanished. Man,
it was gone. It was a moment of silence. Although
(51:11):
I will say I appreciate a lot of people actually
reached out and sent me snapshots of the Babylon Bee's
account being suspended. It was it was great. And then
when it got reactivated it had like five thousand followers,
so it quickly ramped up right after that though, so
they only now they have thousand or whatever. Yeah, yeah,
(51:34):
but they had stripped them of their goods. So anyways,
this is an ode to the Babylon be all satire,
of course. And these are the five titles Bend that
did not make the cut. So we've got five stories,
five titles that did not make the cut. Uh. State
of California and exploitation of workers for good by banning
all jobs. I feel like they have banned all jobs.
(51:58):
I don't think that's a that's a sad tire. I
think that's real. He can't work at restaurants. You know,
if you're a server at a restaurant, you're fucked. Uh yeah,
usement parks, churches. This is some of the guys. Frank
in l A Man, that guy, he was a hustler.
Frank in l A. He worked at Staples Center, Dodger Stadium,
(52:19):
Man the soccer stadium over near where the USC campuses
where the sportsman used to be. Uh. And he can't
work anywhere. I don't know what. I don't know what
Frank's doing, man, but he worked all he worked at
Universal Studios. That guy was a hustle. So it is
Austin that sucks. King Newsom won't allow him to hustle, No, Sarah,
not in this state. How about this one? Another title
(52:39):
that did not make the cut. Ignorant moron who doesn't
follow politics is also really happy with his life. Pretty good.
That's also true, though you don't followup. Hey, who care?
You don't get upset about this nonsense. Another one that
did not make the cut. Famed archaeologist archaeology professor fired
(53:00):
after photo surface of him wearing a Nazi uniform. That's
an ode to Harrison Ford in Indiana. Jones believer who
didn't grow up in Christian culture. Knows nothing about Christianity
except what's in the Bible. Another one that did that
did not make the cuts. Uh pull finds most Americans
(53:21):
would rather jump into volcano of angry geese than watch
Democratic Convention angry geese. And then last that did not
make the cut, Hillary Clinton congratulates nominees and asked them
to come stand on target underneath precarious dangling piano. Uh
(53:45):
decent for the first couple I thought were the best
of that. But all right, what do we now? We're
getting to meet here? Potatoes? How about this one? Local
man in Tennessee Ben is willing to go on the
internet to say that Nazis are bad. All right, so
local man in Tennessee and willing to go. Uh, let's
(54:08):
see here. I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say that's the B.
Are you sure? Yes? I bet your one for one
al right? After good, I got to be, I got
to be. I got an a on the beat. You
are not shooting at a Paul George Efficiency clip right now.
(54:28):
So it's a good job by you. Second story the
B or not to be? Uh, let's see if you're
accurate on this one. Media criticizes Trump for forcing them
to tear country apart for last four years. Um, well,
this is something you would expect to like read on
CNN dot com or something I would I would imagine.
But uh, I wanna say that that is I'm gonna
(54:55):
say that's the B again. I think that's the B.
Are you sure? I'm not sure? I just I don't
think that anything. Like the media likes this perception, like
they don't attack Trump. They like to live in this
parallel universal. They don't take pot shots at the maybe
chance they get. But so I don't think they would
admit to it, you know what I'm saying. No, No,
we're I've seen clips of people on CNN said no, no,
(55:16):
nobody attacks Trump here, you know, so I would say
that's a satire. All right, Ben? Your two for two? Yeah,
there you go. How about that under the clock right now,
so we'll go at a blistering pace. How about this one?
Study finds out Democrats lore progressive voters to polls by
disguising them as riots. Alright, so they again. According to
(55:42):
a study, democrats are luring progressive voters to polls by
disguising them as riots. All right, well this has to
be that's that's easy. That has to be the Babylon
bi bet your three for three? Yeah, I was easy.
Come on, I've already won the game. Alright, sorry, going
to go four for four. Internet influencers launch donor sperm
(56:04):
giveaway on Instagram. I think the ones. I'm gonna go
real on this one. I think this one. And if
people do crazy ship on Instagram and the Internet, so
I can see some deranged lunatic going down this, I
want to say, that's legit. Yeah, Benny, you're actually right
to check this out. A same sex couple launched a
(56:26):
program basically hyping up that they want to have a
done a donor sperm giveaway on Instagram. It's two women
in fact that they announced their partnership with a company
a few days ago and they have over two hundred
thousand followers with a chance for a vial of donor sperm.
Are you in on that? I hope you win. Guess now?
(56:48):
Could you imagine how much of that to pay be
great for you? Yeah? All right? Last one, the B
or not the B. American airline, not American Airlines, but
an American airline is banning a military officer for not
sacrificing for the greater good. Uh no, no again, an
(57:13):
American airline is banning a member of the US military
for not sacrificing for the greater good. Uh I think
that's I'm gonna say that's a legitimate ben You would
five for five check this ship out. Navy Seal Robert J. O'Neill,
(57:37):
who is a member of the former Navy Seal Team six.
They banned him Delta Airlines banning he posted a picture
on on his social media account that said I'm not
a pussy and not he wasn't wearing a mask on
the flight. Oh my god. So Delta investigated and the
(57:57):
picture obviously wouldn't viral. They banned him for not sacrificing
for the greater good. So the guy that shot Osama
bin Ladin is banned from Delta because he did not sacrifice.
So he took the original advice from Dr Faucci to
not wear a mask, and he got in trouble for that.
Not the change of position. I got you, all right,
(58:20):
Uh we ran through the bat or not to be.
I know you've got places to go, Gascon and things
to do and all that. So we'll put the baby
to bed. We'll be back in the Radio Magic Radio
Box tonight leven pm in the West and two am
on Monday morning in the East, and we'll be back
out and talking about all the weekend NBA playoff games,
the good, the bad, and the ugly. Have a wonderful day.
(58:43):
Thanks for supporting the show, and we'll catch you next time.
Host
Ben Maller
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