March 12, 2022 • 42 mins
Maller and his 5th Hour partner in crime Danny G. take you behind the scenes, with a fun conversation about woody, the 2nd anniversary of hot marble-talk, motorcade, the gift that keeps on giving (NC-17), and more!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Boom. If you thought four hours a day, minutes a
week was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse, the clearing House of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Maller starts right now in the air everywhere.
We are back at it, a new Saturday edition of
the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and Danny g Here
for all of your audio needs eight days a week.
(00:45):
People people email me Danny, they say please the fuck up,
and I say no, now, now, now, now now, because
we have plenty to talk about. And I'm excited about
the Saturday podcast, the life and times of of me
and you, Danny going in depth, and we we have
(01:06):
a lot to get on this Saturday podcast. Now on
the menu, Danny, We've got Woody Motorcade, the Gift that
keeps on giving and limited backscratching nice and we're gonna
mix it all together like gumbo. Yes, we're gonna mix
it all together, and it's gonna it's tastes like turkey
it's gonna be really delicious unless unless it's not, and
(01:28):
then after you eat it, that's that's what happened. So
I really love having the sound effects between. Danny had
to tell you, Yeah, I can tell it's it's a
lot of fun. Anyway. Uh, everything good? Were you? Danny? Everything?
We had a successful Friday podcast, so that went pretty
well and and now we're back at it again. We
have the mail bag on Sunday, so there's a lot
going on. We're juggling a lot of things here. Yeah,
(01:50):
it's been a really good week so far, so time
for us to screw that up. Yes, we will end
up the podcast here. And now we've been what we've
been doing years. The listeners have been saying it's not
as much fun when we actually say the bad words.
So we've been editing the bad words. That correcting is
that the plan. Yes, I would like to thank you
(02:12):
and everybody else in the Mallard Militia for adding an
extra hour to my work week. So when I say
function motherfucker all that you know you hear that? That
that that like I didn't have enough to do. Yeah,
you cook sucker. As Lee Elia said back in the day,
(02:32):
all right, So we'll start with this now. Over the
past year or so, Danny, things have been pretty topsy turvy.
I've lived in three different places. Three had the Mallard
mansion that I've been living in, which you visited multiple times. Uh.
And then I moved to a temporary uh halfway house
halfway house, and then uh and then I moved on
(02:54):
to where I live now, which I think will be
the final destination. But every time I move, I always
think that's the last time I'm gonna move. I don't
know if you're like that, Danny, but every time I move,
I think, well, that's it, I'm not gonna move again.
I've I finally found my final spot, and then surprise, surprise,
turns out that's not the case. Um. So, So I
(03:16):
moved a lot recently, and everything I owned, I own
a lot of crap. I picked up a lot of
stuff over the years. Everything I owned, other than a
very small amount of stuff that you need every day,
has been in storage ships And even now, after being
in the final landing spot for a good amount of time,
(03:37):
there's still a lot of stuff that is packed up
in boxes and uh. And I also during that time, Danny,
I got a lot of mail, listener mail. And while
I was able to open some of the listener mail
and it was great, I could not open all of
the listener mail, and some of it in the the
(04:00):
Healter Skelter way that things were going, some of it
got placed into one of the storage ships and so
so the mail has been sitting there. Some of it's
been sitting there for like over a year, some of
it a little less than that. And so I was
getting emails. Some people are very upset any they're they
were like, well, what what's up with that? I mean,
I took some time out and h I said you something,
(04:23):
and you didn't. You didn't respond, you didn't get it.
And I was like and I was like, well, yeah,
I'm a I'm a douche. I apologized and uh, and
you left it up in all that stuff. Yeah, this
is like how long it takes Arnie Spaniard to receive
his mail in Vermont? Yeah, got it on time, you
just delayed it yourself. Well yeah, logistically it's a little
(04:44):
more complicated. Now I'm doing the show remotely, but that's
a different situation. We've been doing that for a couple
of years now. I can't believe it's been a couple
of years doing this. But while the the anniversary is
I believe tomorrow, is that the anniversary of to me, well,
it was got a different day. When did When did
(05:06):
COVID really a COVID or what we used to call
it the coronavirus some old school back in the day.
But the the night that I remember, it's one of
the nights that you'll remember where you were. Uh, that
was I believe the date on that was March March eleven,
So it was actually yesterday, was it was on Friday? Um,
(05:26):
it was a Wednesday, March eleven, And that was when
the last NBA and NHL games were played. That was
when Rudy Gobert rubbed the microphone and pretended to cough
on it. Yeah. Yeah, And there was that surreal night
where they were canceling NBA games. They were telling fans
to leave the Oklahoma City Utah Jazz game. I think
(05:48):
that was the one. And then and then that like
the news came out like Tom Hanks had coronavirus and
people like what is that? What is is he gonna die?
And so yeah, the anniverse actually was yesterday, March March eleventh.
We are exactly what two years in? Right? With two years?
Is that? Am I right on this? Yeah, you're right
about that. And I think all of us who were
(06:08):
on National Sports Radio and went through that whole year
deserve some kind of award because not only did we
get presented FEMA cards. Remember yes, yes, having in the
middle of the night getting pulled over by HP because
they're asking what we were doing on the road talk
about a freaking ghost town. We heard from lots of people,
(06:31):
what are you guys gonna do? What? What in the
world are you gonna talk about? You're gonna go down
the toilet now because you have no sports to talk about? Yes, yes,
we were. People were convinced we're gonna go out of business.
They were gonna turn out the lots the parties over
and that turned out the beach all fake news, it's
phony stuff. It didn't happen. None of it happened. And
(06:53):
we actually had and I've been with the company since
it started Fox Sports Radio well pretty much. I started
like two weeks after the net were launched, and it
is insane that we had more listeners in a year
with no sports the year of when that began COVID
a hundred and thirty four days with no professional sports,
(07:14):
and yet the listenership was through the roof. It was
crazy how many people were listening. And it was like
people that used to listen to any that came back
that wanted a familiar voice. And then there were people
that just stumbled onto the show because they were bored
out of their mind and they just wanted to hear
somebody talking. Yeah, it turned out to be the opposite
(07:34):
of what people thought at first, because all the listeners
wanted a comforting voice or a safe space, something that
was nice to hear. And a lot of our talk
was us trying to not exactly talk about COVID all
the time. We had to find lots of interesting topics
to talk about. And I remember they had producer meetings
(07:58):
like once a week or every other week because Don
and Scott were hell bent on you guys, this is
where the producers are really gonna step up. We need
to not only keep this thing going, but you need
to realize that there could possibly be even more ears
on the network right now because a lot of people
have more free time on their hands right now, and
(08:20):
that's exactly what wound up happening. Everybody's podcast numbers went
through the roof, and the live listenership almost doubled at
a time when people thought it was gonna go out
of business. Yeah, it was crazy what was going on there.
And one of my favorite monologues that I will remember
when I get out of radio when I'm dead. I
probably don't remember when I'm dead, But I did a
(08:41):
monologue on marble racing. I did. I did an entire
monologue of fifteen minute monologue on marble racing. And I
was really I was watching this on YouTube. What about
a nine year old girl? That was my sports I
was like betting on I would pick a marble. I
always picked the blue marble, and then I would why
(09:01):
and I would watching try in my head, I was,
I was wagering and whatnot, and and it was new
to me because I had never really gotten into the
sport of marble racing. And you know, it was a tremendous,
tremendous thing. A side felt man. I was watching NASCAR
drivers pretend like they were driving Nascars. They were on
(09:23):
their simulators. I don't know if you remember that, you know,
yes I do? They Yes, yes, they were remember they
had that weird what I think it might be in ESPN.
They did that thing that shooting like a game of
horse or something like. They did like a contest, but
everyone was in a different city and they were like
in their backyard, and it was like it was really weird,
(09:45):
really weird. This is a time that people are definitely
gonna try to explain to their kids later down the road.
I think about the kindergarteners that I work with and
what they're gonna remember a out this with the masks
and all the restrictions and all the extra rules, and
(10:06):
they're gonna celebrate and go nuts next Monday, Ben, because Monday,
those little kids finally get to rip those masks off. Freedom.
Freedom for the kids, freedom for the fact the fact
that they have to wait there to wait longer though
so stupid. The bureaucracy that is involved in all this
is so ridiculous to me. But it's gonna be great.
(10:28):
There'll be tons of videos online of kids screaming and
shouting and celebrating, jumping up and down like they won
the Super Bowl. Yeah, just like that video we saw
a few weeks ago from Las Vegas. So so anyway,
I didn't even realize, like a look at that, I didn't.
It passed me by the story I was going to tell.
So the mail has been all over the place, and
(10:51):
I feel like a total schmuck and I'm finally getting
taught up, and I've been going through the mail. I
think I've gone through pretty much all of it at
this point. There might be one or two things that
haven't gone through. But it turns out several listeners sent
me some really cool gifts and uh and very unique,
very special. One of those listeners I wanted to highlight
here Danny Robbie from Dublin, California in then no calp
(11:15):
Bay Area guy Bubblin and Dublin. Yeah, Bubblin in Dublin
with Robbie and he's he's in the Bay Are. He's
a super fan of the show. He wrote me a
nice letter. I know we're on the podcast, but you
can see Danny, I hold that up there very long.
See that very nice. That's a handwritten, that's not typed out.
This is a yeah, this is amazing writing. Racist. I'm
(11:42):
I'm embarrassed by the writing because my writing is like
horrific chicken scratch compared to compared to this anyway. So
Robbie is a big fan of show. He's been listening.
He's listening to me since even before Fox Sports. Rade. Uh.
He he stumbled on some of my bull crap and
he says he grew up in India. Now I don't
(12:03):
know how much of this he wants me to read
on the ear or not, and so I don't know
that I should read more. But he he sent me
a really nice message. He gave me his email address
up but the handwritten note as I showed you amazing
And so without getting into too much personal stuff, I
didn't want to thank Robbie. I know he listens to
this podcast. He has sent emails in the past ripping me,
(12:24):
uh and and rightfully, so he's not wrong on that
at all. And he was absolutely correct on that, and yeah,
open it up. But I finally got around to it.
So thank you, Robbie. The gift spectacular he gave me, Eddie.
He gave me the Woody I got, the I got.
I could I call you Eddie? By the way, I
think I just did uh bad job by me. That's okay,
(12:45):
Ken Mallard. But did he gave me Danny? He gave
me the woody just ram it. There's a handmade charcoutter reboard.
Is that is that? Yeah, charkuckoo cucudery. Yeah, it's a
fun word to say. RACUDERI I think he's actual say
so it includes Now there's a I'm looking at here.
(13:05):
It's got a knife made out of wood. There is
a name plate with obviously my name on it, damn.
And he says that the walnut here came Robbie says,
came from a tree that was cut down in nineteen
fifty two in Ohio. The maple came from a Christmas
fair in San Francisco in nine nine. And so this
(13:28):
is really this is really nice. It's very special, very unique.
I've gotten a few unique things over the years, but
this is right up there with any of them. And
so thank you Robbie. And even though you're a Hegantes fan,
you're on You're on the nice list. You're not on
the Nauti list. You're on the nice list. So so
thank you for that. Really really cool. I thought that
was that was pretty neat to send that, and uh,
(13:49):
he and his buddy made that very very cool. So
thank you, and that will that will be used. Not
by me though, Danny. I don't know what you put
cheese on a charcuterie boarder that what you do what
my wife knows what to do with that. Yeah, different meats,
different cheese, different fruits. So it can be like when
you went to Arby's. What's the slogan of Arby's We've
got the meats or something like that, we have the meat,
(14:12):
we have the meats. So I could put that out
that we have the meats. It's just like that, and
I'll scream that. People look at me like a monk
lunatic anyway, So thank you Rabbi again and anyone else.
If I didn't open, I didn't get your your gift,
I apologize for if I didn't respond or whatever. But
I I think I've gone through everything. That's a very
(14:33):
very cool things, some hats and some other things. Nice cards. Uh,
Rachel Almonta Bello sent me a nice card a couple
other people, so that was pretty cool. So I appreciate it.
So thank you for that. Now. Pivoting away from that thing,
Mallard Motorcade last weekend for the second consecutive weekend, decided
(14:53):
let me live my life now. The weekend before I
went to Vegas and had a fine time. Uh And
this was more of a la last minute thing, little
last minute Roady and I packed up the mallarmobile and
me and the wife we headed We headed out. Now,
you know, there's only so many ways you can go
here the Mallard GPS. You can only you can't go
(15:15):
west because you need a boat, so you can't do that.
You you can go south, but if you go too
far you're in Mexico. And you can go north, and
you can go obviously east. So we set the GPS
to go uh north mallormobile and I figured might as
well get one last road trip in before it becomes
(15:38):
cost prohibited. You would go on the road. The financial
burden we we we knew the price of gas with
Sleepy Joe and all those people that that that the
price of gas be like nine dollars a gallon ten
dollars a gallon in a couple of weeks. And uh
so we we decided to go on a little road trip.
And we did not have our part pontoon boat, or
(15:58):
we would have gone out in the Pacific, the Mighty Pacific.
But we didn't do that, and so we we sent
the GPS up and we had it was really the
Mallard Motor Kid though, because we had a convoy Dad.
It's exciting here. And my cousin she she moved out
like last year from she'd been living in Houston and
(16:19):
she moved to the area. And it's like her and
like one other person I know that are related to me.
Everyone else I know, the entire family, they're either dead
or they moved east. So I don't have any really family,
you know, my on my side of the family, so
I don't really have anybody. So she's like my my cousin,
you know where we grew up in the same neighborhood,
(16:40):
close and so she's you know, she's married, she got
kids and not. So she packed up her car and
her with her husband and the kids and they joined
the Mallard Motor Kid. Uh. Yeah. We we went up
the California coast there through Ventura into Santa Barbara, passed
through Buleton, stopped in Solving, and uh I got Solving
(17:04):
usually once a year. I like, it's a little town.
How do you describe Solving. It's like a Danish town,
Like a little Danish town. Yeah, a lot of people
know it as the Danish village. Yeah, of course, the
windmill is famous from the movie Sideways. Yeah, it's a
cool little town. And the mission on this was just
gluttony because I've been fasting, so I ended my fasting style.
(17:26):
There's this little place that serves like Ruben sandwiches there.
I forget the name of it. I plug, but they
have poutine, not putin poutine, and so I had some poutine.
I love poutine. That's pretty good. Ruben sandwich is solid.
And then we headed out there and we had we
had the the most popular Danish dessert. You know what
you've been to Solving, I'm sure over the years, right,
(17:49):
you know what the most popular Solving dessert is. I'm
sure I've had it before. It's called able skeever little
like it just like doughnut balls adults, and they're covered
in the ones. I had had strawberry sauce on and
like they're supposed to be like a big Danish dessert.
I don't know, maybe they made that up. Oh. I've
(18:09):
been to the bakeries there in Solvang, and let's just
say when you leave there, you come out feeling about
ten pounds heavy. Year. Yeah, it's one of those places
where you have like your belt buckle and you have
to kind of stretch it out a little bit and
you have to kind of it's like a holiday for
fat people there in Solvang. Yeah, there's really nothing else
to do other than eat or buy trinkets. Like they
(18:30):
have a bunch of if you want anything made out
of glass or uh, ceramic, and they have that like
little windmills would say Solvang on it. Do you want
to sweatshirt? You can get that. Also clock clock like
that's right, not clocks that are very pricey. It's for
old people, but chicks like it. So you take if
(18:52):
you take a woman to the Danish village, she will
look at you with some big eyes and you will
get lucky. Yeah, you get some some cloud when you
can afterwards. Yes, absolutely so. Its bone appetite was delicious.
But then we were like, wait a minute, we gotta
keep going. We're not going to stop at Salvan, come
(19:16):
on out the California coast, head north due north. So
we kept going, got back on the Mallard motorcade and
I stopped off at the Costco in Santa Maria to
refill the gas just making sure they didn't raise the
price from the last time I got gas. So I
filled up in Santa Maria. There at the Costco, beautiful Costco.
There's never a line. I always whenever I go up
(19:37):
to California Coas, I always stopped there. Never a line.
It's the only Costco I've been to with no line.
Every other Costco is a million million cars, no line.
It's wonderful. And they got every kind of like chain
restaurant you could possibly want in Santa Maria. Anything you need,
any chain, they're all there. So I filled up, headed
up to Saint Louis ABYSSPO destination Madonna In. Uh yeah,
(20:01):
Madonna In, which is halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles,
right off Highway one on one, the famous Highway one
on one. Now was I staying there, Danny? Did I did?
I said to spend the night there? No? No. Did
you go into the diner? Yes? Yes, And I've been
(20:21):
there before. We've talked about Madonna and before you run
on the podcast. Now I go there usually once a year.
Also because you know, the wife is a big fan
of the Madonna In and so this place. The way
I described the Madonna into people that have never seen
at this hotel. It's like if and this is an
outdated reference. Liberaci, the late pianist Liberati, I think died
in the eighties, so that's a really outdated reference. But Liberati,
(20:44):
this over the topic centric pianist. If he had designed that.
And and then you mix in like I imagine the
sopranos or like Frank Sinatra, you know, getting together there
and it dates to the nineteen fifties. It's so over
the top, eccentric and all that. And but my wife
(21:07):
loves that. She has to go there and she likes
to collect. They have these glass uh, these special glass
that they're not really their cups, but they're more than
just cups there. Oh yeah, I bought my Tenderoni a
couple of those when we visited. They have the blue one,
the pink one. Yes, you have a gift shop, and
right next to the gift shop, ben the men's bathroom
(21:27):
you picked into a waterfall. Yes, And let me tell you,
I spent some time in that in that bathroom with
the Pitts waterfall, and there were a lot of dudes
coming in. They didn't know what to do. They were
like they were like should we. I mean, this seems
like this is not really because it doesn't. It seems
like you shouldn't do that, like you're not supposed but
(21:49):
then you're there's nowhere else to do it, you gotta
do it. Yeah, And I don't know what's in the
women's bathroom. I'n't been in there, but yeah, that's a
wild bathroom. They have just like high end restaurant. And
then they have like a diner. And so we went
to the diner and me and that my my, you know,
the family, the cousins and the kids and all that stuff,
(22:09):
and we went and said we needed more gorgeous. We
needed to pick out more, and so we headed over
to the restaurant. They have this pink champagne cake. I'm
a I'm a sucker for frosting on cake. I love
frosting on it and that's my favorite part of it.
And so they have really good frosting and so I
had we had a big piece of that thing. It's
like ten dollars to slice my gut. It's either that
(22:30):
or a gallon of gasoline. But it was fluffy, creamy goodness,
and uh, you know, it was wonderful. And then that
was it. We headed back on the the late night
Express back to l A. Stopped at Fat sALS on
the way back, and then that was it. So it
sounds like a very fat adventure. Yeah, I felt like
porky pig. I then did not eat for the next
(22:52):
two days after that to make up the loss. I
figured I ate so much that day, I can take
a couple of days off and I didn't need for
two days. So it was fun, you know, I like
to everyone was a while. If if I had more
time off on the weekends, I just go up to
San Francisco and hang out. Maybe not now because people
pooping on the street. I can go to l A
if I want to see that. I don't even go
to San Francisco for that. But anyway, So the gift
(23:15):
that keeps giving, Danny g we move on because there
is better content ahead here. The gift that keeps giving.
What is this all about? Daddy might get a little
uh NC seventeen here? Yeah, get my buzzer ready. Yeah.
And in fact, I asked my tender Roni last night.
I said, could you please write it out for me?
(23:37):
Like almost Yelp style, write a Yelp review of this
place I'm gonna talk about. And she's like, I don't
want to do that. It's gonna be like porn, And
I said, hey, that's perfect for the podcast. It was
just a swingers club where we're looking at here, what
do we got here? This past Christmas, I was trying
to get things for her stocking because she she had
mentioned to me that over the years, her kids always
(24:00):
got really cool stocking stuffers and hers would always just
be empty. Yeah, you know, and that's the plight of
a parent, right, Yeah, Okay, Well, let me flip the
script and I'll actually put some things in her dumb
stocking so that she has something to open as well.
And you know, up to the last minute, I couldn't
(24:21):
figure out what to put in her stocking. I got
really good gifts, but I'm like, damn it, what can
I put in the stocking. I'm like, okay, think about
what she really likes. Resorts, Like any girl, massages, bingo.
I'm gonna find a massage place here locally, get a certificate,
and I'll put that in the stocking. She'll love that. Yeah,
(24:43):
that makes sense. And so did you did you find
the orchids of Asia day spas? That the pay off
on this is that so I go to Yelp like
any good consumer, and I read real life reviews unless
half of them aren't. And you know, but I found
some good reviews with real pictures there. I could tell
which ones are real, which ones are fake? What's the secret?
(25:05):
How can you tell? Because it's very difficult on the
internet to tell, and they all look most of them
are the ones that are like overly kiss ass and
there's no real life photos. You can tell that's somebody
that has something to do with the owner of the place. Generally,
I've heard there's services that will actually do that if
you get the businesses. You're not supposed to do this
(25:26):
as taboo, but there's companies that you can hire. Two
flood these different web you know, the review websites with
positive reviews. Yeah, but you could get an overall view
of a place. If there are three or four one
star reviews all in a row and they all kind
of agree that this place sucks. You can tell from
(25:47):
a glance, okay, this this place is kind of trouble
and vice versa. So I kind of know what to
look at with Yelp. I've used it for a long time.
So I'm looking at all these different massage places and
there is one that it did have an Asian name,
but a lot of them do. It's in a good
part of town, and the reviews were nice. It's not
some shady place that gentlemen like Deshaun Watson visit, as
(26:13):
far as I could see. So I go there. I
call them. They're open for another hour. And this is
like going into Christmas Eve. A lot of places were closing. Perfect.
I'll be there. I'm gonna pick up a gift certificate.
Go in. It's a nice, decent looking place. It's in
a good part of town. Like I said, they give
me a certificate for one hour deep tissue massage. A
(26:35):
Swedish deep tissue massage, all right, So I put it
in her stocking. She loved it when she was taking
her things out of the stocking. But of course she
needs to call and, um, you know, schedule an appointment. Yeah. Well,
it took all the way into March for her to
do that. And I kept asking her when are you
gonna get that massage? Because you know, I'm busy. I
(26:57):
can't do it right now. Let's have someone else do
it for you. So she schedules. She yeah, stupid schedule.
So she schedules it for this past week and I'm
like cool. Afterwards she comes out, I text her, I'm like,
how is the massage? And I get the cryptic I'll
tell you about it when I get home and see
(27:18):
you in person. And I'm like, that's not good, you know,
because I was expecting her to come out on cloud nine,
thank you, you're the best. You were fishing for a compliment, right,
You were expecting her to say, O hoesf we. I
really didn't because I didn't even ask a question. I
just said, I hope it was good. You deserve a massage,
(27:40):
It's all I said. But usually if a woman comes
out of a massage, she's gonna be glowing on her own. Yeah.
Well she wasn't, though. She's like, I got to talk
to you about this in person. And all of us
dudes know, if a woman tells you that something about
to go down or you're in trouble, it's not usually
(28:01):
good when a woman says, I'm gonna talk to you
about it in person, no, because he's normally they can't
wait to tell you, and right, it's good news if
it's bad news, then it's like, yeah, I'll wait on
out here. Ben. She gets home and tells me about
the experience, and I'm losing my mind. I cannot believe
(28:24):
what happened. What happened? So let's in the box. What happened?
What's in it? She goes in. She said everything was fine,
and she said they were burning incense in the lobby
and it seemed like a really cool place. They take
her in. The Asian gal that brought her in, look,
she said, did look a little stout like, kind of buff.
(28:46):
So she was like, well, I am gonna get a
deep tissue massage. It looks like so this lady Ben
pulls her underwear down, which she was not expecting. Uh,
jumps up onto the massage table, straddles my girl, sits
on my girl's rare end, is going to town on
(29:09):
her and and was kept slapping her, even slapped her ass.
My girl did not know what to do. She said.
It was one of those moments in life where you wonder,
am I enjoying this? Or is this really strange? What
(29:32):
massage is that? That's what I asked her. I said,
how is that a Swedish massage? And she said, I
don't know. I was really confused, she said. While this
lady was straddling her and massaging her, she was also
speaking very strangely in another language and making noises as
(29:55):
she was doing it, so it was like she was
enjoying it more than my girl was. Wow, she's making
strange noises. She's almost hurting her. What about a pressure
she's putting on her? And now she asked her, you
want hot stone, ten dollars extra hot stone, throw hot
(30:16):
rocks at you? What is that? So my Tinderni says, sure, okay.
Then so she puts the hot stones on her back,
and my TINDERRONI said, honestly, it was a nice break
from this lady slapping and hitting me and pushing on
me too hard. So she's laying there with the hot rocks.
But then the massus takes a hot rock and sticks
(30:38):
it in her ass. Crack whoa, whoa. Oh yeah, so man,
she felt violated. It's just like an S and M
type situation. Here. What do we got going on? I'll
tell you after I go next week. Oh yeah, I'm
trying up for a monthly membership here. Yeah. So also
(31:05):
when this lady was done, after this very strange. Uh,
rape massage a massage. Yeah. She looked at her and
said finished. She didn't ring a bell, like, yeah, I
got done. Here we go, ring the ring the victory bell.
By the way, she was always she was also pushing
(31:26):
on the side of my girl's chest and kind of
cupping her breasts. And after she after she would do that,
she would tell her this, okay, this okay, wow. Yeah,
and my girls like you're doing it already. What does
it matter what I say right now? Well, Deshaun Watson
is probably like, good me give me that number right there.
(31:46):
They come on, hook me up on that. My goodness.
She massaged her but for ten minutes, man, and then
she didn't have to pay extra for that. She is Wow.
You should have saw how fast she ran to the
shower when she got home. Yeah. He's like, I feel
like I need a shower and a cigarette shower first.
(32:09):
And so she was like where did you send me?
What did you tell this lady I needed? No? I
was like, no, I swear the yelp reviews were good.
That's wild. That is crazy, man. Yeah, now we know
why the yelp reviews were good. Yeah, that was and
that was out near you, and that's part of the
l A. Yeah, right on the border of the San
(32:30):
Fernando Valley in Ventura County. Hit me up in my
d M S. I'll give you the name of the place.
You can get a lot of you a lot of
messages here, Danny. What's what's this all about? Man? I
just feel bad because I wasn't there. I know that
could have really been You could have recorded the whole thing.
That could have been big on the internet. That would
have been massive. Man, all right, well that is the
(32:51):
gift that she now. Is she okay to go back
and get him? And said out at that place? But
is she or is this gonna like affect her for massages?
From knowledge she can be like anti massage. I don't know.
She was so confused about it all night long. It
was funny because when she was in the shower I
heard her bust out laughing. What did the hell is
she laughing about? In the shower? And then when she
(33:13):
came out she told me, oh my God, like certain
things about the massage keep coming back. She had already
planned on picking up Panda Express for us for dinner
after her massage, so now she didn't know what to
do because she has PTSD or PTS massage. Ye, yes, man,
(33:39):
that's crazy. So what do you think you have? Do
you think the well, if you go to you know,
a high end spa, they do the thing where they
tuck the the clean sheet by your butt and they
don't go down there. Now there's two I got two
things in my head you think. Number one is you
somehow paid for the most rot massage you can get.
(34:01):
That's number one. Number two is maybe this masseuse like
I saw your your TENDERNI there and kind of our Wait,
I like this, Maybe I'm into this. Yeah, I'll I'll
handle this one. I'll throw in some some extra goodies here.
She does have a nice but maybe that, maybe that
could be it right. Maybe they're like, hey, wait a minute,
(34:22):
I got this one. I got this one flattering, but
wait until we do a couple's massage at your place. Man.
All right, well that is the gift that keeps giving
And Danny will be doing commercials for them on the
podcast coming up next week the name out and it
will be absolutely wonderful. We don't have a lot of time,
but I did want to get to the the back
(34:43):
scratching which is nothing related to what you have going
on over there at that massage place. So we have
been saying we we have been trying to get people
to shamelessly promote the podcast, the Fifth Hour podcast, and
we've been asking people to post reviews on the Apple
podcast page. We've been asking for and the last couple
(35:05):
of weeks we've had people answer the bell and it's
been great. Uh, that streak has ended, Danny, that streak
has ended. Uh, it's you know, you scratch our back,
We scratch your back, but we have no one's back
to scratch. We did get on the Mallard Show page.
We got a couple of reviews, but those were not
for the this podcast. Yeah, some people get confused by
(35:27):
what the park so I'm not sure what. But Twizzle
Twizzle wrote in some doc Mike thing and then uh,
fur Dog reviewed the radio show and he said pretty
pretty good. He give the Larry David review. But we
want the Fifth Hour page. So that's what we need
and you know, if you can help us out, we
(35:49):
will read your comments on the air. Oh I also
wanted to mention I just remember this so I had
a crazy, crazy uh time on Cameo been doing these
cameos for several years. I don't promote it that much,
and it's really for the super fans of the show,
like the big p ones that want a special Mallar
(36:10):
milogue was some kind of special message for them. And
so I've been, I've been. I've got a few of them.
It's pretty cool. People getting married and things like that,
or I just want to pep talk. And so I
got a request. And I don't know that I want
to name this person because I don't know they want
me to name them. But someone who's high ranking in
the Malamal issue has been with me a long time,
(36:31):
is a big part of the show and has helped
promote the show across the country, has advertised the show
across the country. So this particular person wanted me to
do a special cameo to promote the fact that their
their kid, that the team had had been very successful.
And so I agreed to do it, like I have
(36:52):
a choice. And so I did it, and and I
did a little message and all that stuff. And so
then I get another message, Hey, wait a minute, I
left some kids name out because he I mean to
do like a roll call the name name the kids
and so I guess I he had sent me the
wrong list. So he said, I'm gonna get another one.
I'm gonna get another cameo, and then I want you
to correct it. And so I said, okay, I'll do it.
(37:12):
And so so then he sent me the list and
then I did the cameo. And now this time, Danny,
I guess I I fucked up. I screwed up the cameo.
I didn't get all the names, and I just assumed
there was only one more name, and they were like
two more names. So now he sends a third request.
So now I've done three of these things. And I
did get it right the third, third, and final time,
(37:35):
but we had to do three takes. He was very
good hearted about it and all that stuff, but I
had to do three takes on that, and I don't
know if the kid enjoyed it or not. I hope,
I hope the kids did. By the time it was
the third one, the kids like, I'm sick of this guy.
I was like, this is great. If I keep effing
this up, he'll keep you be more cameos coming and
this is a this is amazing here. But but no,
(37:56):
I was it was his mistake. That it was my mistake,
and then we we righted the ship and I am
over there on Cameo if you want to, if you
want to check me out, I have not raised my press. Sure,
I raised my price because of inflation. Everything else is
getting more expensive. I have not done that in a while. No,
you should go the other direction to get cheaper. I
don't know about that. I got in trouble with Cameo, sir.
(38:19):
I'm not handed out here, I'm not lying. So I
feel very guilty. When people buy these cameos. I try
to personalize them as much as I can, and a
lot of times people will send me kind of vague details,
so I don't have a lot to work with, which
makes it very difficult. The degree of difficulties very high,
because you know, I know a little bit about some
of the people that call the show are right into
the show, but I don't know that much, and so
(38:40):
it becomes very difficult. But I spent a lot of
time I trump with these things together. And so I
got an angry email from Cameo because they were having
trouble uploading the cameos that I was doing because they
were too long, and they they They were very polite
about it, but they were like, hey, you know, the
average person, the average celebrity does a cameo, it's like
thirty seconds to a minute, and I'm doing seven minutes
(39:03):
of content doing monologue. I'm doing monolo. I'm doing literally
a month now. I've had to cut I've had to
cut that back because they got upset. But I still
try to do four or five minutes. I try to
do it around then, sometimes a little shorter, sometimes it
will be longer. Yeah, but I got in trouble for that.
I was like, really, you're gonna It's like, I can
see why, just because the soup Nazi over from the
Seinfeld shows doing thirty seconds shoutout, and I can't do longer.
(39:26):
I can't go longer. What's up with that? It's not
right anyway. Any to promote Danny, any comedy gigs, anything
coming up here at all, anything and you want to promote, well,
It'll be a full day at FSR for me. I'll
be there with Steve Hartman and Jeff Schwartz and then
after that the great Brian No and he from Salam who,
by the way, what is he from gonna do? Now?
With some of the mask requirements being lifted. This guy
(39:48):
walks into the studio wearing the visor, you know, the
face shield to end masks. He sprays an entire can
of lysol and one of us are are allowed to
go into his on air studio? Is that right? Well?
And Brian no, He does his part of the show remotely.
(40:09):
There was one week where Brian told him at the
end of the show, Hey, just so you know, I'm
gonna be on a flight to l a X, I'm
gonna be in town next week. I'm probably gonna come
into the studio for the show next weekend, and just
straight faced from told him, well, I don't know where
you're gonna be broadcasting the parking garage. You ain't coming
in here. Really, that's wild. But you know, you see
(40:32):
this and you wonder, at what point now that society
has pretty much opened up again, even like the People's
Republic of California where we work out of, there's there's
very few masks anymore. At what point there's always gonna
be those stragglers that five years from now, ten years
from now, they'll be the mask people that are still
(40:53):
gonna be there living their best COVID times and it's
just gonna be the way it is. And it's like
when I when I was growing up, my parents hoarded
food and because they grew up as children of parents
who were part of the depression, and so for my mom,
she always needed to have like as much as possible
(41:13):
in the garage, just in case, just in case. So
I think like for our generation, for the people you
know around our age, it's going to be the mask thing. Yeah,
the deal. Yeah, it will always have an extra package
of masks in our glove box, hand sanitizer. Yeah, and yeah,
there's there will definitely be lasting things which I think
(41:35):
will help though, because you know, none of us like germs,
none of us like other people coughing in our face.
Hopefully some of the sloppiness from the past were people
that were too sloppy with health. Some of that has
gotten cleaned up now well. As I told him, I
think it was last week's podcast when I went to
uh to Vegas and I stopped off. I don't know
if I told it on the air, and but I
(41:56):
was at a bathroom, a rest stop bath room, and
it was as disgusting as anything you could possibly imagine.
So the idea that human beings are going to uh
not be complete pigs uh And I I don't believe
in that. I think humans are gonna human and part
of being human, there's a certain percentage that don't clean
(42:17):
up about theirselves. They need their moms to follow them around.
And unfortunately, when you get to become an adult, your
mom doesn't fall you around. It's problematic. Damn it, Well
we could dream. Not everybody gets a clean butt. Crack
from the Asian mystic got to mention that when she
was done, she took a towel in her privates and
(42:37):
ran it back and forth. She was cleaning out her
able cavity like she's washing a car. Very nice. Uh. Anyway,
all right, I have a great rest, and you're Saturday.
I got the mail bag. We just ended the show
with the word an All well, we'll knock it out
of the mailback sunny. See it gotta murder. I gotta
(42:58):
go
Boom. If you thought four hours a day, minutes a
week was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants
of the old Republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse, the clearing House of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Maller starts right now in the air everywhere.
We are back at it, a new Saturday edition of
the Fifth Hour with Ben Maller and Danny g Here
for all of your audio needs eight days a week.
(00:45):
People people email me Danny, they say please the fuck up,
and I say no, now, now, now, now now, because
we have plenty to talk about. And I'm excited about
the Saturday podcast, the life and times of of me
and you, Danny going in depth, and we we have
(01:06):
a lot to get on this Saturday podcast. Now on
the menu, Danny, We've got Woody Motorcade, the Gift that
keeps on giving and limited backscratching nice and we're gonna
mix it all together like gumbo. Yes, we're gonna mix
it all together, and it's gonna it's tastes like turkey
it's gonna be really delicious unless unless it's not, and
(01:28):
then after you eat it, that's that's what happened. So
I really love having the sound effects between. Danny had
to tell you, Yeah, I can tell it's it's a
lot of fun. Anyway. Uh, everything good? Were you? Danny? Everything?
We had a successful Friday podcast, so that went pretty
well and and now we're back at it again. We
have the mail bag on Sunday, so there's a lot
going on. We're juggling a lot of things here. Yeah,
(01:50):
it's been a really good week so far, so time
for us to screw that up. Yes, we will end
up the podcast here. And now we've been what we've
been doing years. The listeners have been saying it's not
as much fun when we actually say the bad words.
So we've been editing the bad words. That correcting is
that the plan. Yes, I would like to thank you
(02:12):
and everybody else in the Mallard Militia for adding an
extra hour to my work week. So when I say
function motherfucker all that you know you hear that? That
that that like I didn't have enough to do. Yeah,
you cook sucker. As Lee Elia said back in the day,
(02:32):
all right, So we'll start with this now. Over the
past year or so, Danny, things have been pretty topsy turvy.
I've lived in three different places. Three had the Mallard
mansion that I've been living in, which you visited multiple times. Uh.
And then I moved to a temporary uh halfway house
halfway house, and then uh and then I moved on
(02:54):
to where I live now, which I think will be
the final destination. But every time I move, I always
think that's the last time I'm gonna move. I don't
know if you're like that, Danny, but every time I move,
I think, well, that's it, I'm not gonna move again.
I've I finally found my final spot, and then surprise, surprise,
turns out that's not the case. Um. So, So I
(03:16):
moved a lot recently, and everything I owned, I own
a lot of crap. I picked up a lot of
stuff over the years. Everything I owned, other than a
very small amount of stuff that you need every day,
has been in storage ships And even now, after being
in the final landing spot for a good amount of time,
(03:37):
there's still a lot of stuff that is packed up
in boxes and uh. And I also during that time, Danny,
I got a lot of mail, listener mail. And while
I was able to open some of the listener mail
and it was great, I could not open all of
the listener mail, and some of it in the the
(04:00):
Healter Skelter way that things were going, some of it
got placed into one of the storage ships and so
so the mail has been sitting there. Some of it's
been sitting there for like over a year, some of
it a little less than that. And so I was
getting emails. Some people are very upset any they're they
were like, well, what what's up with that? I mean,
I took some time out and h I said you something,
(04:23):
and you didn't. You didn't respond, you didn't get it.
And I was like and I was like, well, yeah,
I'm a I'm a douche. I apologized and uh, and
you left it up in all that stuff. Yeah, this
is like how long it takes Arnie Spaniard to receive
his mail in Vermont? Yeah, got it on time, you
just delayed it yourself. Well yeah, logistically it's a little
(04:44):
more complicated. Now I'm doing the show remotely, but that's
a different situation. We've been doing that for a couple
of years now. I can't believe it's been a couple
of years doing this. But while the the anniversary is
I believe tomorrow, is that the anniversary of to me, well,
it was got a different day. When did When did
(05:06):
COVID really a COVID or what we used to call
it the coronavirus some old school back in the day.
But the the night that I remember, it's one of
the nights that you'll remember where you were. Uh, that
was I believe the date on that was March March eleven,
So it was actually yesterday, was it was on Friday? Um,
(05:26):
it was a Wednesday, March eleven, And that was when
the last NBA and NHL games were played. That was
when Rudy Gobert rubbed the microphone and pretended to cough
on it. Yeah. Yeah, And there was that surreal night
where they were canceling NBA games. They were telling fans
to leave the Oklahoma City Utah Jazz game. I think
(05:48):
that was the one. And then and then that like
the news came out like Tom Hanks had coronavirus and
people like what is that? What is is he gonna die?
And so yeah, the anniverse actually was yesterday, March March eleventh.
We are exactly what two years in? Right? With two years?
Is that? Am I right on this? Yeah, you're right
about that. And I think all of us who were
(06:08):
on National Sports Radio and went through that whole year
deserve some kind of award because not only did we
get presented FEMA cards. Remember yes, yes, having in the
middle of the night getting pulled over by HP because
they're asking what we were doing on the road talk
about a freaking ghost town. We heard from lots of people,
(06:31):
what are you guys gonna do? What? What in the
world are you gonna talk about? You're gonna go down
the toilet now because you have no sports to talk about? Yes, yes,
we were. People were convinced we're gonna go out of business.
They were gonna turn out the lots the parties over
and that turned out the beach all fake news, it's
phony stuff. It didn't happen. None of it happened. And
(06:53):
we actually had and I've been with the company since
it started Fox Sports Radio well pretty much. I started
like two weeks after the net were launched, and it
is insane that we had more listeners in a year
with no sports the year of when that began COVID
a hundred and thirty four days with no professional sports,
(07:14):
and yet the listenership was through the roof. It was
crazy how many people were listening. And it was like
people that used to listen to any that came back
that wanted a familiar voice. And then there were people
that just stumbled onto the show because they were bored
out of their mind and they just wanted to hear
somebody talking. Yeah, it turned out to be the opposite
(07:34):
of what people thought at first, because all the listeners
wanted a comforting voice or a safe space, something that
was nice to hear. And a lot of our talk
was us trying to not exactly talk about COVID all
the time. We had to find lots of interesting topics
to talk about. And I remember they had producer meetings
(07:58):
like once a week or every other week because Don
and Scott were hell bent on you guys, this is
where the producers are really gonna step up. We need
to not only keep this thing going, but you need
to realize that there could possibly be even more ears
on the network right now because a lot of people
have more free time on their hands right now, and
(08:20):
that's exactly what wound up happening. Everybody's podcast numbers went
through the roof, and the live listenership almost doubled at
a time when people thought it was gonna go out
of business. Yeah, it was crazy what was going on there.
And one of my favorite monologues that I will remember
when I get out of radio when I'm dead. I
probably don't remember when I'm dead, But I did a
(08:41):
monologue on marble racing. I did. I did an entire
monologue of fifteen minute monologue on marble racing. And I
was really I was watching this on YouTube. What about
a nine year old girl? That was my sports I
was like betting on I would pick a marble. I
always picked the blue marble, and then I would why
(09:01):
and I would watching try in my head, I was,
I was wagering and whatnot, and and it was new
to me because I had never really gotten into the
sport of marble racing. And you know, it was a tremendous,
tremendous thing. A side felt man. I was watching NASCAR
drivers pretend like they were driving Nascars. They were on
(09:23):
their simulators. I don't know if you remember that, you know,
yes I do? They Yes, yes, they were remember they
had that weird what I think it might be in ESPN.
They did that thing that shooting like a game of
horse or something like. They did like a contest, but
everyone was in a different city and they were like
in their backyard, and it was like it was really weird,
(09:45):
really weird. This is a time that people are definitely
gonna try to explain to their kids later down the road.
I think about the kindergarteners that I work with and
what they're gonna remember a out this with the masks
and all the restrictions and all the extra rules, and
(10:06):
they're gonna celebrate and go nuts next Monday, Ben, because Monday,
those little kids finally get to rip those masks off. Freedom.
Freedom for the kids, freedom for the fact the fact
that they have to wait there to wait longer though
so stupid. The bureaucracy that is involved in all this
is so ridiculous to me. But it's gonna be great.
(10:28):
There'll be tons of videos online of kids screaming and
shouting and celebrating, jumping up and down like they won
the Super Bowl. Yeah, just like that video we saw
a few weeks ago from Las Vegas. So so anyway,
I didn't even realize, like a look at that, I didn't.
It passed me by the story I was going to tell.
So the mail has been all over the place, and
(10:51):
I feel like a total schmuck and I'm finally getting
taught up, and I've been going through the mail. I
think I've gone through pretty much all of it at
this point. There might be one or two things that
haven't gone through. But it turns out several listeners sent
me some really cool gifts and uh and very unique,
very special. One of those listeners I wanted to highlight
here Danny Robbie from Dublin, California in then no calp
(11:15):
Bay Area guy Bubblin and Dublin. Yeah, Bubblin in Dublin
with Robbie and he's he's in the Bay Are. He's
a super fan of the show. He wrote me a
nice letter. I know we're on the podcast, but you
can see Danny, I hold that up there very long.
See that very nice. That's a handwritten, that's not typed out.
This is a yeah, this is amazing writing. Racist. I'm
(11:42):
I'm embarrassed by the writing because my writing is like
horrific chicken scratch compared to compared to this anyway. So
Robbie is a big fan of show. He's been listening.
He's listening to me since even before Fox Sports. Rade. Uh.
He he stumbled on some of my bull crap and
he says he grew up in India. Now I don't
(12:03):
know how much of this he wants me to read
on the ear or not, and so I don't know
that I should read more. But he he sent me
a really nice message. He gave me his email address
up but the handwritten note as I showed you amazing
And so without getting into too much personal stuff, I
didn't want to thank Robbie. I know he listens to
this podcast. He has sent emails in the past ripping me,
(12:24):
uh and and rightfully, so he's not wrong on that
at all. And he was absolutely correct on that, and yeah,
open it up. But I finally got around to it.
So thank you, Robbie. The gift spectacular he gave me, Eddie.
He gave me the Woody I got, the I got.
I could I call you Eddie? By the way, I
think I just did uh bad job by me. That's okay,
(12:45):
Ken Mallard. But did he gave me Danny? He gave
me the woody just ram it. There's a handmade charcoutter reboard.
Is that is that? Yeah, charkuckoo cucudery. Yeah, it's a
fun word to say. RACUDERI I think he's actual say
so it includes Now there's a I'm looking at here.
(13:05):
It's got a knife made out of wood. There is
a name plate with obviously my name on it, damn.
And he says that the walnut here came Robbie says,
came from a tree that was cut down in nineteen
fifty two in Ohio. The maple came from a Christmas
fair in San Francisco in nine nine. And so this
(13:28):
is really this is really nice. It's very special, very unique.
I've gotten a few unique things over the years, but
this is right up there with any of them. And
so thank you Robbie. And even though you're a Hegantes fan,
you're on You're on the nice list. You're not on
the Nauti list. You're on the nice list. So so
thank you for that. Really really cool. I thought that
was that was pretty neat to send that, and uh,
(13:49):
he and his buddy made that very very cool. So
thank you, and that will that will be used. Not
by me though, Danny. I don't know what you put
cheese on a charcuterie boarder that what you do what
my wife knows what to do with that. Yeah, different meats,
different cheese, different fruits. So it can be like when
you went to Arby's. What's the slogan of Arby's We've
got the meats or something like that, we have the meat,
(14:12):
we have the meats. So I could put that out
that we have the meats. It's just like that, and
I'll scream that. People look at me like a monk
lunatic anyway, So thank you Rabbi again and anyone else.
If I didn't open, I didn't get your your gift,
I apologize for if I didn't respond or whatever. But
I I think I've gone through everything. That's a very
(14:33):
very cool things, some hats and some other things. Nice cards. Uh,
Rachel Almonta Bello sent me a nice card a couple
other people, so that was pretty cool. So I appreciate it.
So thank you for that. Now. Pivoting away from that thing,
Mallard Motorcade last weekend for the second consecutive weekend, decided
(14:53):
let me live my life now. The weekend before I
went to Vegas and had a fine time. Uh And
this was more of a la last minute thing, little
last minute Roady and I packed up the mallarmobile and
me and the wife we headed We headed out. Now,
you know, there's only so many ways you can go
here the Mallard GPS. You can only you can't go
(15:15):
west because you need a boat, so you can't do that.
You you can go south, but if you go too
far you're in Mexico. And you can go north, and
you can go obviously east. So we set the GPS
to go uh north mallormobile and I figured might as
well get one last road trip in before it becomes
(15:38):
cost prohibited. You would go on the road. The financial
burden we we we knew the price of gas with
Sleepy Joe and all those people that that that the
price of gas be like nine dollars a gallon ten
dollars a gallon in a couple of weeks. And uh
so we we decided to go on a little road trip.
And we did not have our part pontoon boat, or
(15:58):
we would have gone out in the Pacific, the Mighty Pacific.
But we didn't do that, and so we we sent
the GPS up and we had it was really the
Mallard Motor Kid though, because we had a convoy Dad.
It's exciting here. And my cousin she she moved out
like last year from she'd been living in Houston and
(16:19):
she moved to the area. And it's like her and
like one other person I know that are related to me.
Everyone else I know, the entire family, they're either dead
or they moved east. So I don't have any really family,
you know, my on my side of the family, so
I don't really have anybody. So she's like my my cousin,
you know where we grew up in the same neighborhood,
(16:40):
close and so she's you know, she's married, she got
kids and not. So she packed up her car and
her with her husband and the kids and they joined
the Mallard Motor Kid. Uh. Yeah. We we went up
the California coast there through Ventura into Santa Barbara, passed
through Buleton, stopped in Solving, and uh I got Solving
(17:04):
usually once a year. I like, it's a little town.
How do you describe Solving. It's like a Danish town,
Like a little Danish town. Yeah, a lot of people
know it as the Danish village. Yeah, of course, the
windmill is famous from the movie Sideways. Yeah, it's a
cool little town. And the mission on this was just
gluttony because I've been fasting, so I ended my fasting style.
(17:26):
There's this little place that serves like Ruben sandwiches there.
I forget the name of it. I plug, but they
have poutine, not putin poutine, and so I had some poutine.
I love poutine. That's pretty good. Ruben sandwich is solid.
And then we headed out there and we had we
had the the most popular Danish dessert. You know what
you've been to Solving, I'm sure over the years, right,
(17:49):
you know what the most popular Solving dessert is. I'm
sure I've had it before. It's called able skeever little
like it just like doughnut balls adults, and they're covered
in the ones. I had had strawberry sauce on and
like they're supposed to be like a big Danish dessert.
I don't know, maybe they made that up. Oh. I've
(18:09):
been to the bakeries there in Solvang, and let's just
say when you leave there, you come out feeling about
ten pounds heavy. Year. Yeah, it's one of those places
where you have like your belt buckle and you have
to kind of stretch it out a little bit and
you have to kind of it's like a holiday for
fat people there in Solvang. Yeah, there's really nothing else
to do other than eat or buy trinkets. Like they
(18:30):
have a bunch of if you want anything made out
of glass or uh, ceramic, and they have that like
little windmills would say Solvang on it. Do you want
to sweatshirt? You can get that. Also clock clock like
that's right, not clocks that are very pricey. It's for
old people, but chicks like it. So you take if
(18:52):
you take a woman to the Danish village, she will
look at you with some big eyes and you will
get lucky. Yeah, you get some some cloud when you
can afterwards. Yes, absolutely so. Its bone appetite was delicious.
But then we were like, wait a minute, we gotta
keep going. We're not going to stop at Salvan, come
(19:16):
on out the California coast, head north due north. So
we kept going, got back on the Mallard motorcade and
I stopped off at the Costco in Santa Maria to
refill the gas just making sure they didn't raise the
price from the last time I got gas. So I
filled up in Santa Maria. There at the Costco, beautiful Costco.
There's never a line. I always whenever I go up
(19:37):
to California Coas, I always stopped there. Never a line.
It's the only Costco I've been to with no line.
Every other Costco is a million million cars, no line.
It's wonderful. And they got every kind of like chain
restaurant you could possibly want in Santa Maria. Anything you need,
any chain, they're all there. So I filled up, headed
up to Saint Louis ABYSSPO destination Madonna In. Uh yeah,
(20:01):
Madonna In, which is halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles,
right off Highway one on one, the famous Highway one
on one. Now was I staying there, Danny? Did I did?
I said to spend the night there? No? No. Did
you go into the diner? Yes? Yes, And I've been
(20:21):
there before. We've talked about Madonna and before you run
on the podcast. Now I go there usually once a year.
Also because you know, the wife is a big fan
of the Madonna In and so this place. The way
I described the Madonna into people that have never seen
at this hotel. It's like if and this is an
outdated reference. Liberaci, the late pianist Liberati, I think died
in the eighties, so that's a really outdated reference. But Liberati,
(20:44):
this over the topic centric pianist. If he had designed that.
And and then you mix in like I imagine the
sopranos or like Frank Sinatra, you know, getting together there
and it dates to the nineteen fifties. It's so over
the top, eccentric and all that. And but my wife
(21:07):
loves that. She has to go there and she likes
to collect. They have these glass uh, these special glass
that they're not really their cups, but they're more than
just cups there. Oh yeah, I bought my Tenderoni a
couple of those when we visited. They have the blue one,
the pink one. Yes, you have a gift shop, and
right next to the gift shop, ben the men's bathroom
(21:27):
you picked into a waterfall. Yes, And let me tell you,
I spent some time in that in that bathroom with
the Pitts waterfall, and there were a lot of dudes
coming in. They didn't know what to do. They were
like they were like should we. I mean, this seems
like this is not really because it doesn't. It seems
like you shouldn't do that, like you're not supposed but
(21:49):
then you're there's nowhere else to do it, you gotta
do it. Yeah, And I don't know what's in the
women's bathroom. I'n't been in there, but yeah, that's a
wild bathroom. They have just like high end restaurant. And
then they have like a diner. And so we went
to the diner and me and that my my, you know,
the family, the cousins and the kids and all that stuff,
(22:09):
and we went and said we needed more gorgeous. We
needed to pick out more, and so we headed over
to the restaurant. They have this pink champagne cake. I'm
a I'm a sucker for frosting on cake. I love
frosting on it and that's my favorite part of it.
And so they have really good frosting and so I
had we had a big piece of that thing. It's
like ten dollars to slice my gut. It's either that
(22:30):
or a gallon of gasoline. But it was fluffy, creamy goodness,
and uh, you know, it was wonderful. And then that
was it. We headed back on the the late night
Express back to l A. Stopped at Fat sALS on
the way back, and then that was it. So it
sounds like a very fat adventure. Yeah, I felt like
porky pig. I then did not eat for the next
(22:52):
two days after that to make up the loss. I
figured I ate so much that day, I can take
a couple of days off and I didn't need for
two days. So it was fun, you know, I like
to everyone was a while. If if I had more
time off on the weekends, I just go up to
San Francisco and hang out. Maybe not now because people
pooping on the street. I can go to l A
if I want to see that. I don't even go
to San Francisco for that. But anyway, So the gift
(23:15):
that keeps giving, Danny g we move on because there
is better content ahead here. The gift that keeps giving.
What is this all about? Daddy might get a little
uh NC seventeen here? Yeah, get my buzzer ready. Yeah.
And in fact, I asked my tender Roni last night.
I said, could you please write it out for me?
(23:37):
Like almost Yelp style, write a Yelp review of this
place I'm gonna talk about. And she's like, I don't
want to do that. It's gonna be like porn, And
I said, hey, that's perfect for the podcast. It was
just a swingers club where we're looking at here, what
do we got here? This past Christmas, I was trying
to get things for her stocking because she she had
mentioned to me that over the years, her kids always
(24:00):
got really cool stocking stuffers and hers would always just
be empty. Yeah, you know, and that's the plight of
a parent, right, Yeah, Okay, Well, let me flip the
script and I'll actually put some things in her dumb
stocking so that she has something to open as well.
And you know, up to the last minute, I couldn't
(24:21):
figure out what to put in her stocking. I got
really good gifts, but I'm like, damn it, what can
I put in the stocking. I'm like, okay, think about
what she really likes. Resorts, Like any girl, massages, bingo.
I'm gonna find a massage place here locally, get a certificate,
and I'll put that in the stocking. She'll love that. Yeah,
(24:43):
that makes sense. And so did you did you find
the orchids of Asia day spas? That the pay off
on this is that so I go to Yelp like
any good consumer, and I read real life reviews unless
half of them aren't. And you know, but I found
some good reviews with real pictures there. I could tell
which ones are real, which ones are fake? What's the secret?
(25:05):
How can you tell? Because it's very difficult on the
internet to tell, and they all look most of them
are the ones that are like overly kiss ass and
there's no real life photos. You can tell that's somebody
that has something to do with the owner of the place. Generally,
I've heard there's services that will actually do that if
you get the businesses. You're not supposed to do this
(25:26):
as taboo, but there's companies that you can hire. Two
flood these different web you know, the review websites with
positive reviews. Yeah, but you could get an overall view
of a place. If there are three or four one
star reviews all in a row and they all kind
of agree that this place sucks. You can tell from
(25:47):
a glance, okay, this this place is kind of trouble
and vice versa. So I kind of know what to
look at with Yelp. I've used it for a long time.
So I'm looking at all these different massage places and
there is one that it did have an Asian name,
but a lot of them do. It's in a good
part of town, and the reviews were nice. It's not
some shady place that gentlemen like Deshaun Watson visit, as
(26:13):
far as I could see. So I go there. I
call them. They're open for another hour. And this is
like going into Christmas Eve. A lot of places were closing. Perfect.
I'll be there. I'm gonna pick up a gift certificate.
Go in. It's a nice, decent looking place. It's in
a good part of town. Like I said, they give
me a certificate for one hour deep tissue massage. A
(26:35):
Swedish deep tissue massage, all right, So I put it
in her stocking. She loved it when she was taking
her things out of the stocking. But of course she
needs to call and, um, you know, schedule an appointment. Yeah. Well,
it took all the way into March for her to
do that. And I kept asking her when are you
gonna get that massage? Because you know, I'm busy. I
(26:57):
can't do it right now. Let's have someone else do
it for you. So she schedules. She yeah, stupid schedule.
So she schedules it for this past week and I'm
like cool. Afterwards she comes out, I text her, I'm like,
how is the massage? And I get the cryptic I'll
tell you about it when I get home and see
(27:18):
you in person. And I'm like, that's not good, you know,
because I was expecting her to come out on cloud nine,
thank you, you're the best. You were fishing for a compliment, right,
You were expecting her to say, O hoesf we. I
really didn't because I didn't even ask a question. I
just said, I hope it was good. You deserve a massage,
(27:40):
It's all I said. But usually if a woman comes
out of a massage, she's gonna be glowing on her own. Yeah.
Well she wasn't, though. She's like, I got to talk
to you about this in person. And all of us
dudes know, if a woman tells you that something about
to go down or you're in trouble, it's not usually
(28:01):
good when a woman says, I'm gonna talk to you
about it in person, no, because he's normally they can't
wait to tell you, and right, it's good news if
it's bad news, then it's like, yeah, I'll wait on
out here. Ben. She gets home and tells me about
the experience, and I'm losing my mind. I cannot believe
(28:24):
what happened. What happened? So let's in the box. What happened?
What's in it? She goes in. She said everything was fine,
and she said they were burning incense in the lobby
and it seemed like a really cool place. They take
her in. The Asian gal that brought her in, look,
she said, did look a little stout like, kind of buff.
(28:46):
So she was like, well, I am gonna get a
deep tissue massage. It looks like so this lady Ben
pulls her underwear down, which she was not expecting. Uh,
jumps up onto the massage table, straddles my girl, sits
on my girl's rare end, is going to town on
(29:09):
her and and was kept slapping her, even slapped her ass.
My girl did not know what to do. She said.
It was one of those moments in life where you wonder,
am I enjoying this? Or is this really strange? What
(29:32):
massage is that? That's what I asked her. I said,
how is that a Swedish massage? And she said, I
don't know. I was really confused, she said. While this
lady was straddling her and massaging her, she was also
speaking very strangely in another language and making noises as
(29:55):
she was doing it, so it was like she was
enjoying it more than my girl was. Wow, she's making
strange noises. She's almost hurting her. What about a pressure
she's putting on her? And now she asked her, you
want hot stone, ten dollars extra hot stone, throw hot
(30:16):
rocks at you? What is that? So my Tinderni says, sure, okay.
Then so she puts the hot stones on her back,
and my TINDERRONI said, honestly, it was a nice break
from this lady slapping and hitting me and pushing on
me too hard. So she's laying there with the hot rocks.
But then the massus takes a hot rock and sticks
(30:38):
it in her ass. Crack whoa, whoa. Oh yeah, so man,
she felt violated. It's just like an S and M
type situation. Here. What do we got going on? I'll
tell you after I go next week. Oh yeah, I'm
trying up for a monthly membership here. Yeah. So also
(31:05):
when this lady was done, after this very strange. Uh,
rape massage a massage. Yeah. She looked at her and
said finished. She didn't ring a bell, like, yeah, I
got done. Here we go, ring the ring the victory bell.
By the way, she was always she was also pushing
(31:26):
on the side of my girl's chest and kind of
cupping her breasts. And after she after she would do that,
she would tell her this, okay, this okay, wow. Yeah,
and my girls like you're doing it already. What does
it matter what I say right now? Well, Deshaun Watson
is probably like, good me give me that number right there.
(31:46):
They come on, hook me up on that. My goodness.
She massaged her but for ten minutes, man, and then
she didn't have to pay extra for that. She is Wow.
You should have saw how fast she ran to the
shower when she got home. Yeah. He's like, I feel
like I need a shower and a cigarette shower first.
(32:09):
And so she was like where did you send me?
What did you tell this lady I needed? No? I
was like, no, I swear the yelp reviews were good.
That's wild. That is crazy, man. Yeah, now we know
why the yelp reviews were good. Yeah, that was and
that was out near you, and that's part of the
l A. Yeah, right on the border of the San
(32:30):
Fernando Valley in Ventura County. Hit me up in my
d M S. I'll give you the name of the place.
You can get a lot of you a lot of
messages here, Danny. What's what's this all about? Man? I
just feel bad because I wasn't there. I know that
could have really been You could have recorded the whole thing.
That could have been big on the internet. That would
have been massive. Man, all right, well that is the
(32:51):
gift that she now. Is she okay to go back
and get him? And said out at that place? But
is she or is this gonna like affect her for massages?
From knowledge she can be like anti massage. I don't know.
She was so confused about it all night long. It
was funny because when she was in the shower I
heard her bust out laughing. What did the hell is
she laughing about? In the shower? And then when she
(33:13):
came out she told me, oh my God, like certain
things about the massage keep coming back. She had already
planned on picking up Panda Express for us for dinner
after her massage, so now she didn't know what to
do because she has PTSD or PTS massage. Ye, yes, man,
(33:39):
that's crazy. So what do you think you have? Do
you think the well, if you go to you know,
a high end spa, they do the thing where they
tuck the the clean sheet by your butt and they
don't go down there. Now there's two I got two
things in my head you think. Number one is you
somehow paid for the most rot massage you can get.
(34:01):
That's number one. Number two is maybe this masseuse like
I saw your your TENDERNI there and kind of our Wait,
I like this, Maybe I'm into this. Yeah, I'll I'll
handle this one. I'll throw in some some extra goodies here.
She does have a nice but maybe that, maybe that
could be it right. Maybe they're like, hey, wait a minute,
(34:22):
I got this one. I got this one flattering, but
wait until we do a couple's massage at your place. Man.
All right, well that is the gift that keeps giving
And Danny will be doing commercials for them on the
podcast coming up next week the name out and it
will be absolutely wonderful. We don't have a lot of time,
but I did want to get to the the back
(34:43):
scratching which is nothing related to what you have going
on over there at that massage place. So we have
been saying we we have been trying to get people
to shamelessly promote the podcast, the Fifth Hour podcast, and
we've been asking people to post reviews on the Apple
podcast page. We've been asking for and the last couple
(35:05):
of weeks we've had people answer the bell and it's
been great. Uh, that streak has ended, Danny, that streak
has ended. Uh, it's you know, you scratch our back,
We scratch your back, but we have no one's back
to scratch. We did get on the Mallard Show page.
We got a couple of reviews, but those were not
for the this podcast. Yeah, some people get confused by
(35:27):
what the park so I'm not sure what. But Twizzle
Twizzle wrote in some doc Mike thing and then uh,
fur Dog reviewed the radio show and he said pretty
pretty good. He give the Larry David review. But we
want the Fifth Hour page. So that's what we need
and you know, if you can help us out, we
(35:49):
will read your comments on the air. Oh I also
wanted to mention I just remember this so I had
a crazy, crazy uh time on Cameo been doing these
cameos for several years. I don't promote it that much,
and it's really for the super fans of the show,
like the big p ones that want a special Mallar
(36:10):
milogue was some kind of special message for them. And
so I've been, I've been. I've got a few of them.
It's pretty cool. People getting married and things like that,
or I just want to pep talk. And so I
got a request. And I don't know that I want
to name this person because I don't know they want
me to name them. But someone who's high ranking in
the Malamal issue has been with me a long time,
(36:31):
is a big part of the show and has helped
promote the show across the country, has advertised the show
across the country. So this particular person wanted me to
do a special cameo to promote the fact that their
their kid, that the team had had been very successful.
And so I agreed to do it, like I have
(36:52):
a choice. And so I did it, and and I
did a little message and all that stuff. And so
then I get another message, Hey, wait a minute, I
left some kids name out because he I mean to
do like a roll call the name name the kids
and so I guess I he had sent me the
wrong list. So he said, I'm gonna get another one.
I'm gonna get another cameo, and then I want you
to correct it. And so I said, okay, I'll do it.
(37:12):
And so so then he sent me the list and
then I did the cameo. And now this time, Danny,
I guess I I fucked up. I screwed up the cameo.
I didn't get all the names, and I just assumed
there was only one more name, and they were like
two more names. So now he sends a third request.
So now I've done three of these things. And I
did get it right the third, third, and final time,
(37:35):
but we had to do three takes. He was very
good hearted about it and all that stuff, but I
had to do three takes on that, and I don't
know if the kid enjoyed it or not. I hope,
I hope the kids did. By the time it was
the third one, the kids like, I'm sick of this guy.
I was like, this is great. If I keep effing
this up, he'll keep you be more cameos coming and
this is a this is amazing here. But but no,
(37:56):
I was it was his mistake. That it was my mistake,
and then we we righted the ship and I am
over there on Cameo if you want to, if you
want to check me out, I have not raised my press. Sure,
I raised my price because of inflation. Everything else is
getting more expensive. I have not done that in a while. No,
you should go the other direction to get cheaper. I
don't know about that. I got in trouble with Cameo, sir.
(38:19):
I'm not handed out here, I'm not lying. So I
feel very guilty. When people buy these cameos. I try
to personalize them as much as I can, and a
lot of times people will send me kind of vague details,
so I don't have a lot to work with, which
makes it very difficult. The degree of difficulties very high,
because you know, I know a little bit about some
of the people that call the show are right into
the show, but I don't know that much, and so
(38:40):
it becomes very difficult. But I spent a lot of
time I trump with these things together. And so I
got an angry email from Cameo because they were having
trouble uploading the cameos that I was doing because they
were too long, and they they They were very polite
about it, but they were like, hey, you know, the
average person, the average celebrity does a cameo, it's like
thirty seconds to a minute, and I'm doing seven minutes
(39:03):
of content doing monologue. I'm doing monolo. I'm doing literally
a month now. I've had to cut I've had to
cut that back because they got upset. But I still
try to do four or five minutes. I try to
do it around then, sometimes a little shorter, sometimes it
will be longer. Yeah, but I got in trouble for that.
I was like, really, you're gonna It's like, I can
see why, just because the soup Nazi over from the
Seinfeld shows doing thirty seconds shoutout, and I can't do longer.
(39:26):
I can't go longer. What's up with that? It's not
right anyway. Any to promote Danny, any comedy gigs, anything
coming up here at all, anything and you want to promote, well,
It'll be a full day at FSR for me. I'll
be there with Steve Hartman and Jeff Schwartz and then
after that the great Brian No and he from Salam who,
by the way, what is he from gonna do? Now?
With some of the mask requirements being lifted. This guy
(39:48):
walks into the studio wearing the visor, you know, the
face shield to end masks. He sprays an entire can
of lysol and one of us are are allowed to
go into his on air studio? Is that right? Well?
And Brian no, He does his part of the show remotely.
(40:09):
There was one week where Brian told him at the
end of the show, Hey, just so you know, I'm
gonna be on a flight to l a X, I'm
gonna be in town next week. I'm probably gonna come
into the studio for the show next weekend, and just
straight faced from told him, well, I don't know where
you're gonna be broadcasting the parking garage. You ain't coming
in here. Really, that's wild. But you know, you see
(40:32):
this and you wonder, at what point now that society
has pretty much opened up again, even like the People's
Republic of California where we work out of, there's there's
very few masks anymore. At what point there's always gonna
be those stragglers that five years from now, ten years
from now, they'll be the mask people that are still
(40:53):
gonna be there living their best COVID times and it's
just gonna be the way it is. And it's like
when I when I was growing up, my parents hoarded
food and because they grew up as children of parents
who were part of the depression, and so for my mom,
she always needed to have like as much as possible
(41:13):
in the garage, just in case, just in case. So
I think like for our generation, for the people you
know around our age, it's going to be the mask thing. Yeah,
the deal. Yeah, it will always have an extra package
of masks in our glove box, hand sanitizer. Yeah, and yeah,
there's there will definitely be lasting things which I think
(41:35):
will help though, because you know, none of us like germs,
none of us like other people coughing in our face.
Hopefully some of the sloppiness from the past were people
that were too sloppy with health. Some of that has
gotten cleaned up now well. As I told him, I
think it was last week's podcast when I went to
uh to Vegas and I stopped off. I don't know
if I told it on the air, and but I
(41:56):
was at a bathroom, a rest stop bath room, and
it was as disgusting as anything you could possibly imagine.
So the idea that human beings are going to uh
not be complete pigs uh And I I don't believe
in that. I think humans are gonna human and part
of being human, there's a certain percentage that don't clean
(42:17):
up about theirselves. They need their moms to follow them around.
And unfortunately, when you get to become an adult, your
mom doesn't fall you around. It's problematic. Damn it, Well
we could dream. Not everybody gets a clean butt. Crack
from the Asian mystic got to mention that when she
was done, she took a towel in her privates and
(42:37):
ran it back and forth. She was cleaning out her
able cavity like she's washing a car. Very nice. Uh. Anyway,
all right, I have a great rest, and you're Saturday.
I got the mail bag. We just ended the show
with the word an All well, we'll knock it out
of the mailback sunny. See it gotta murder. I gotta
(42:58):
go
Host
Ben Maller
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