The Fifth Hour: Benny Buckets

Friday's Fifth Hour is another spectacular waste of an hour you'll never get back, unless it's not. We've got Benny Buckets, the Human Bobsled, and proof that Maller's life has basically become a deleted scene from The Three Stooges. We'll explain how a booze shortage helped the Mayflower find Plymouth Rock, why brides are apparently named after beer, and why lighthouses have joined pay phones and newspapers in the Museum of Stuff Nobody Needs Anymore. It's educational... if your standards are low enough.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kabbooms.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (00:18):
It's a clearinghouse of hot takes. Break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
Need the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with me, Ben
Mahler and you united through weekend audio content with one goal,
one goal and one goal only for time spent listening
on the podcast. That's we Well, we need the downloads.

(00:49):
You've already downloaded it. You're actually listening to the show,
which is a step in the right direction, so we
thank you for that. It is the two hundred and
nineteen day of the year. Today did the overnight show,
took a little pause, then came back here into the
remote podcast studio. There are one hundred and forty six

(01:11):
days left. I believe this is the thirty second day
of the year. We have on this podcast Benny Buckets
and a amazing factoid about Plymouth Rock that I have
never heard of and I want it to be true.
I want it to be true. And we will tell

(01:31):
you this podcast is going to be wicked bad. It's
going to be wicked bad. We begin though with this.
So some call it synchronicity or foreshadowing, or maybe the
universe just has a very odd sense of humor. It
all started right here on the Fifth Hour podcast, a

(01:54):
recent episode our p one JT. The Wingman, rode into
the mail bag, which he does on a regular basis,
and it was just harmless question that takes up a
couple of minutes of airtime on the pod and then
disappears into the audio ether. And the question was and

(02:15):
I forget exactly what he said, but it was something like,
have you ever fallen down a set of stairs? I
believe that was a question that was asked, And if
I remember correctly, my knee jerk reaction was no. That
was my default answer. I figured the answer had to
be no. I don't have a dramatic staircase. Even when

(02:37):
I was growing up, I didn't have any real crazy staircase.
I'm not tumbling down the steps while carrying groceries. I'm
not recreating a silent movie. Nothing came to mind until
I was cruising for a bruisin in the Malamobile, and
somewhere in the dusty archives, in the very back right

(02:59):
part of my brain buried beneath decades of sports takes,
drive through menus bad baseball trivia, who am I and
all of that, the memory resurfaced and said, here I am,
And so once I opened that door, I'm sure you've

(03:21):
had the same thing happen to you. Once you open
that door, another one is kicked off the hinges, because
apparently my life has been one long audition for the
three stooges. And the reason I did not recall this
is because it did not happen at the house I

(03:45):
was living in. So long before I became the legend
of moneyball Maller, before overnight Radio, before the mal or Militia,
before I became an expert in watching sports while sitting
she's laying horizontally on a sofa, I was known simply

(04:05):
as B. B. Benny Buckets. That's right, Benny Buckets, youth
basketball legend. Now I understand history can become exaggerated. I've
been told that every person that fishes catches a larger
fish twenty years later, than they caught when they originally
caught the fish. Every little leaguer remembers almost making the

(04:26):
major leagues. Memory has a really good public relations department,
an excellent borderline, excellent public relations department. The Shaggy Dog story.
Things just get crazier and crazier. But I was good
at least. That's the story that I'm going to share
with you. That's the story that's in my head. I'm

(04:49):
sticking with it now. I am so old. How old
are you? I'm so old that if you go back
in time when I was ten years old, there was
no such thing as a a basketball it didn't swallow
childhood's whole. There were no elite travel teams. There was
no twelve year olds with sponsorship deals, no mixtapes, no

(05:12):
recruiting rankings, there was no Internet. I played in what
I called the ff f F that's four f's. I
think I might have said more than that, but ff
Basketball League. That means four free fast food, which meant
if we played well or team one, we got pizza,

(05:32):
possibly burgers and fries, normally pizza, and every once in
a while coupon to get a nice yogurt would come
in my way. Life was simpler. Life was simpler. Our
league got invited as a ten year old to play
on the floor of the Fabulous Forum after a Laker
game in the hood in Inglewood and up to no good.

(05:57):
So for a ten year old kid in southern California
during the Showtime era, it's like winning the lottery ticket.
Now you had Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdulgiable. I still remember
seeing the skyhook as a kid. Looking up, it looked
like Kareem had I've talked about this on the Pacaste before,
but it looked like he had scraped the roof of

(06:20):
the Forum. Big game, James Worthy, Byron Scott, pat Riley's hair.
This was basketball heaven right. Now. Here's the funny thing.
Even back then, I was not a Laker historian. I
wasn't a Laker hater when I was ten years old.
I hadn't dealt with a PR person that caused me
to hate the Lakers the rest of my life. But

(06:42):
I wasn't a Laker hater at that point. I did
like Chick Hearn. I did like Chick Hearn. I was
mostly Switzerland. I was mostly Switzerland, completely neutral, but neutral.
Kids still appreciate a chance to go to an NBA game,
and this was like a big deal, especially when you're
ten years old. The problem our seats were somewhere right

(07:05):
near the pearly gates. In fact, if they had oxygen
masks dangling down from the ceiling, I would not have complained.
I don't know anyone in that section as I remember
that would have complained. It would have been a great
add on item. And I've never been a fan of
heights from when I was little to now, and being

(07:27):
a tall guy somewhere around six five six six, if
I stand up straight with good poster, eventually it became
an occupational hazard. Right you fall down and you got
a lot not the ways to go. Now, people assume
the position. While you're tall, you must like heights. You're tall, No, no,
not my thing, not my thing. And the bigger they are,

(07:51):
the taller they are, the harder they fall. So I'm
sitting there the entire game and I'm looking down and
I'm like, oh boy, this is pretty high up. And
then the start of the fourth quarter of the coach
came over and said, listen, kids, about five minutes remaining
time to come down. About the five minute mark, we
need to head towards the tunnel near the Lakers becual

(08:14):
they were playing the Golden State Warriors. I believe Sleepy
Floyd was on the Warriors. So apparently the forum people
that worked there wanted us ready as soon as the
final buzzer sounded. Er Go I translated that. Even as
a young person, I said, well, it's f them kids.
Get the kids in, get them out efficiency, even in

(08:36):
the nineteen eighties. So I stand up, coach said, stand up,
come down. Five minute mark. I began shimmying sideways past
everyone in the row. Excuse me, sorry, pardon me, pardon
my interruption. I finally reached the aisle and then I
see the stairs. Now I recall walking up. It's much

(09:00):
different walking down than up. Very steep, ridiculously steep, like
it should be part of some reality show. No handrails,
worth mentioning, nothing comforting, just old fashioned gravity. Sitting there
with a giant cheshire Cat grin, smiling from ear to ear.

(09:20):
So I start walking carefully. I say, well, the grown
ups are doing this, This can't be that bad. I'm
being careful. Raised by a Jewish mother, I'm being very careful.
And then something happened that still defies explanation. Momentum not
Uncle Mo momentum, not Ozzie momentum, real momentum. Now people

(09:42):
think momentum exists in sporting events. There's a word for
those people, dumb, dumb wrong. Momentum is something you would
see in the physics class. And also if you happen
to try to travel downstairs, and if you could have
seen a frightened, chubby, ten year old Benny, and you

(10:03):
would have said, well, that's what that is is momentum.
So my feet sped up, and then they sped up again,
and again and again and again. I wasn't walking anymore.
At this point, I was testing the time space continuum.
I was accelerating. Every single step, made the next step faster.

(10:27):
My brain was screaming, slowed down. My legs had already
entered the witness protection program. There was nothing to grab,
nothing to stop me. Do you understand I was, at
this point a human bob sled. Except this was not
some kind of regulated Olympic course. No. No, I had
become Benny the bob sled, And by the time I

(10:49):
got down to where there was a way to stop,
I didn't stop. I crashed directly in the back of
a middle age couple. As I recall, they could have
been older than that, they may have been younger. They
looked middle aged, perfect strangers. Boom, just level them now.
They did not seemingly appreciate meeting Benny the bobsled. This

(11:14):
did not go well. They didn't ask for an autograph.
There was no applause. They did not ask for a photo.
They asked where my parents were. Now, looking back, I'm
amazed they did not get injured. I'm amazed, right, I'm
also surprised they didn't send me back upstairs for another
attempt on the bobs led course that I believe was
my signature falling down the stairs story all right, that

(11:38):
was my story. And again I'd forgotten about this and
it wasn't my house, and that's probably why. So I
thought that was the end or you know. Of course,
life has a funny way of changing that, so we
fast forward back to the current times. I'm obviously older,
apparently wiser, unless I'm not that is questionable, and I'm
doing exactly what I always do before the overnight show,

(12:01):
laying on the sofa. I think it was a Red
Sox game on this night. I don't even remember who
they were playing. Laptop open. I'm putting the bullet points
together for that night's Malard monologues. Ice water sitting nearby.
Everything is perfectly arranged, just the way I need it,
just the way I want it. Helping me, of course,
is my associate producer of the Ben mal Show does

(12:23):
not get enough airtime during the week. That would be
none other than who Moxie, now associate producer, is rather generous.
She's actually, if you don't know, if you're new to
the podcast, an English bulldog her primary job description. We
hired her because of this. She's advanced at snoring and farting,

(12:47):
so anything with ng snorting and farting and also snoring
all of that, so secondarily respond possibility. You know, she's
always kind of looks disappointed, you know, she's really good
at snoring and farting and all that stuff. So so

(13:09):
Moxie almost never moves. If you ever come over to
the Malor mansion, you're not invited. But if you ever
come over there, she just doesn't move. Hours will pass,
sometimes entire geological eras will pass, and she simply exists.
Moxie is advanced furniture that somehow has a heartbeat. Not

(13:33):
a strong heartbeat, but heartbeat. And then this is all
going on. She stands up to do a little stretchy stretching,
you know, do the old stretch, the legs, the back legs. Okay,
so this happens. I leaped off my lap, or she
leaped off my lap. I was laying there. I was
the thing she was laying on. She leaped off my

(13:55):
lap and right off the sofa and onto the floor.
One step, another step. She then turned right, went up
another step towards the kitchen, and immediately every alarm bell
inside my head started going off. Because Moxie is many,
many thinks Moxy is loyal, She is lazy, a bit stubborn, beautiful,

(14:21):
but above all, she is a creature of habit. She
is and very stubborn creature of habit. When Moxie gets
up after lying down for eight, nine, ten, eleven, who
the hell knows hours, nature calls immediately, no committee meeting,

(14:41):
no delay, no warning label, no ifs ands or butts.
If I don't intercept her quickly, the kitchen becomes the
great Lake Moxie again. And I don't want that. We've
talked about that in previous episodes of this podcast to
fifth hour. I don't want that. So I've learned this lesson,

(15:02):
as you know, several times too many times. So what
do you think I did well? I overreacted. I sprung
into action after Moxie had jumped off me, off the sofa,
took a couple of steps, made a right turn, and
so I said, you know, I got to take care
of this. And at least that's again how I remember it.
In my mind, I had become a combination of a

(15:25):
little bit of Usain Bolt, Navy Seal, Batman, I'm not
sure about Spider Man, definitely Batman. Reality probably looked more
like it was me being a refrigerator trying to outrun
another refrigerator. Still I moved, I did laptop, put down safely, water,

(15:48):
moved out of harm's way. These are grown up decisions.
These are excellent grown up decisions, strong fundamentals. It was good,
and so then I stood up and I took off.
The mission was simple. Beat Moxie to where she's about
to go to the bathroom in the kitchen, cut her
off of the pass, cut her off of the pass,

(16:10):
and escort her outside to take care of business. Everybody wins,
except I forgot one tiny detail physics again. Now I
was barefoot, barefoot, Benny. The floor was smooth, nice and
smooth tile. And I approached the right hand turn like

(16:33):
I was qualifying at the Daytona five hundred. Did I
slow down? Hell? No? I accelerated because apparently it turns
out and I didn't realize this. My internal GPS was
programmed this day by the Wiley coyote, and as I
attempted to make the turn, my brain turn my feet

(16:55):
said x nay on the turn a, I ain't going
so that moment, since my feet decided to vote no,
they entered into the transfer portal. Time immediately slowed down,
not metaphorically, it actually slowed down. It did. I became Zoom,
not Zoom Zoom. I became Zoom, the DC Comics super

(17:18):
villain who's able to manipulate time itself. Everything around me
became slow motion. Every fraction of a second felt like
a minute. The wall became bigger, closer, larger, and there
was absolutely nothing I could do. My body had become

(17:41):
a curling stone. I was merely a passenger on this
runaway freight train. The wall, it turned out, and I
did not realize this when I made the decision to
get up the wall. Had decided that listen, this is
a destination. You need to come visit me and kabboom

(18:01):
kerfflewey curplunk crash bang wallap boom goes to dynamite. I
don't know how many of the phrases I can use.
This was a direct hit headfirst, like a Benny Bowling
ball finding the pocket, only instead of knocking over the pins,
I found the drywall right there next to the stairs.

(18:25):
And now here's where the story becomes slightly more interesting
and expensive. So my very tall you know who headfirst
into the drywall on the side of the stairs, and
that was not a good thing, not a good thing there.
And so the part where it becomes more expensive, I

(18:48):
happen to be wearing my glasses. It turns out prescription
eyeglasses and walls have a very complicated, toxic relationship, mostly
because walls always win, always win. The lenses survived miraculously.
The frame you know, not so much. You know, the

(19:13):
left temple bent sideways. It was a piece of modern art,
the left temple. The glass is now sat on my
face at approximately a forty five degree angle. Spoiler alert,
spoiler alert. They're not supposed to do that. They're not
supposed to do that, So I look like Picasso. If

(19:33):
Picasso had become an optometrist and my head slightly dinged
my pride, well, that was in the injury tent. The
good news is nobody saw it. In fact, if I
hadn't talked about this, nobody would have known. I'm sharing
this with you. I was alone, There was no witness.
There was no ring camera, no security footage, no viral video.

(19:56):
And I don't even know if Moxie saw because she
was busy doing her thing. If a grown man crashes
into a wall and nobody is around, did it really happen? Yes, Unfortunately,
if you have a podcast, it did happen. It also
happened because my glasses reminded me every single day. I
attempted what I called meat ball surgery, the official medical

(20:19):
procedure where someone with absolutely no qualifications bends expensive eyewear
back into place using optimism and really bad judgment. Now
did I do a perfect job. No. I got close
close enough that when I went out to the grocery store,
people could not tell that I had the glasses all mangled. Unfortunately,

(20:42):
it turns out that my eyeballs could tell everything looked
just a little crooked, just enough, the kind of just
enough that slowly gives you my grand headaches because your
eyes haven't adjusted to the new shape of your glasses.
And yeah, it was not not good, not good at all.

(21:02):
For several days I walked around thinking, well, maybe my
brain has shifted because I got a concussion. Eventually I surrendered.
We went to the eye doctor. Five minute adjustment problem solved.
Turns out professionals occasionally know what the f they're doing.
Who knew? Who knew? So that brings us back full circle.

(21:26):
Brings us back full circle to JT. The Wingman. His
innocent little question somehow unlocked a memory from all those
years ago, only for me to immediately create a brand
new version, as I've just told you a few days ago.
That is synchronicity or overshadowing. Synchronicity says unrelated events somehow

(21:49):
feel connected, like a random person calling up talking about
a town I had never heard of, and then happy
to end up happing to end up visiting that time.
All right, So that's it. Yet, Synchronicity and foreshadowing. Whatever
label you choose. I apparently apparently am destined to lose
arguments with gravity. As I talked about, gravity remains undefeated. Now.

(22:12):
It doesn't care if you're ten years old inside the
Fabulous Forum. It doesn't care if you're sprinting after an
English bulldog named Moxie. All right, that doesn't matter. Gravity
is the Bill Belichick of the natural world. No emotion,
no excuses, just execution and a hot side piece girlfriend,

(22:37):
because that's what Belichick has now. Looking back, my life
occasionally resembles a lost script from The Three Stooges. I'm
missing Mo. Nobody poked me in both eyes, right, I
didn't get that, so I don't have MO. Nobody yelled
why ya YadA? Ay, why ya YadA? And there was
not a single yeah. There was none of that, But

(23:01):
the spirit was there, the awkward timing, the overconfidence, the
spectacular miscalculation, unnecessary collision. Check check check check, check check check.
If Hollywood ever decides to remake slapstick comedy starring an
oversized overnight sports radio host chasing an English bulldog away
from an imaginary indoor lake, I've already done the legwork.

(23:25):
I've done the stunt work. You don't need CGI, it's
not required. Just give me some socks, smooth flooring, a wall,
and Moxie. Actually, forget the socks. Bare feet are apparently
very dangerous, and they're more than dangerous enough. And somewhere

(23:46):
I have to believe, just between us, somewhere, I have
to believe that the wall is still telling the other
walls in the house about the night this overgrown kid
named Benny buckets to outrun a bulldog, challenged physics and
lost by a technical KNACKA the wall one, gravity one,

(24:09):
the eye doctor one. Everyone won one, everyone won. Moxie,
by the way, still got outside in time. She did
not go to the bathroom. So this was a success mission,
which means, in the strange arithmetic of life, this is
mission accomplished. Mission accomplished. I simply paid for it with

(24:32):
a headache, crooked glasses, and one more chapter in the continuing,
never ending story, the Adventures of a man who somehow
keeps proving that slapstick comedy didn't die with the Three Stooges.
It just got older, heavier, and started hosting overnight sports radio.

(24:53):
And that's that's it now. Meanwhile, today is the seventh
day of August. It is International Beer Days. It's actually
a bunch of holidays here, and we'll work our way
through some of them because I love this. So it's
International Beer Day, is it true. The world's oldest known

(25:15):
written recipe, the oldest known written recipe for beer, not bread,
but beer, the four thousand year old The four thousand
year old recipe if you will, from ancient Mesopotonia, doubles
as a brewing guide. Yeah. Archaeologists have found evidence of

(25:37):
beer brewing dating back thirteen thousand years in what is
now Israel, suggesting that fellow humans of previous generations may
that's the word, may have brewed beer before farming became widespread.
But wait, there's more. The word brought maybe linked to

(26:02):
bride ale, a special beer brewed for weddings to help
pay for the celebration. So bride ale. There you go.
The world's oldest food law still in use is in Germany.
It's the Beer Purity Law, introduced in fifteen sixteen, limiting

(26:23):
beer integrate ingredients to water, barley, and hops. Apparently, yeast
was not invented at that point, or wasn't actually invented.
It was not understood if I could talk, that would help.
Hops were not always the standard. Early beers were flavored

(26:46):
with herbs, spices, flowers, tree bark. Then eventually hops became
the thing, hoppity hop. And the amazing FACTOI from this
little ditty. The amazing factor, which I want to believe
is true. I don't have it confirmed, but I want

(27:06):
to believe it's true, is that the Mayflower, which famously
landed at Plymouth rock Well, it became the ship. It
became the ship that did it because of alcohol or
lack of alcohol. So the Mayflower landed at Plymouth because

(27:28):
it was running low on beer and they didn't want
to continue sailing without their beer, so they were supposed
to go further. There's like, ah, screw it, We'll just
go here. We'll just go here. The America's oldest operating
brewery is in Pottsville, Pennsylvania. It started out in eighteen
twenty nine. That's pretty cool. Now. Before Prohibition, the United

(27:51):
States had more than four thousand breweries. It's a fair
amount considering the country was much smaller. That number, though,
fell below one by the late nineteen seventies, and then
there was a document signed legalizing home brewing. In nineteen
seventy eight by Jimmy Carter, then the president, and that
led one thing to another and there you go. So

(28:15):
during Prohibition, a bunch of those breweries they survived to
pay their rent by making ice cream, soda, malt syrup,
cheese or near beer. And you can take the other
cheese out of the other market or the other refrigerator,
and you know whatever, it's the whole thing's nuts because

(28:38):
you need cheese with your beer. You need cheese with
your beer. By the way, beer is the third most
consumed beverage in the world. The ones that are consumed
more obviously water and tea. So it goes water, tea,
and then beer. Take that coffee, Take that coffee. It

(28:58):
is National Lighthouse Stay today. Congratulations on that. The earliest
known lighthouse was constructed in of all places, Egypt, around
twenty six hundred BC. I believe that's a long time ago.
There was a there are, rather, there are a variety
of lighthouses. As we celebrate National Lighthouse Day. This is

(29:21):
the right. Early lighthouses used open flames. Today's lighting sources
include incandet lessened bulbs, electric lamps, LEDs and all that stuff.
So there are estimated over eighteen thousand lighthouses worldwide, seven
hundred of them are in the United States, and of
those seven hundred, about sixty five of those are just

(29:44):
along the coast of Maine. And if you live in
that area, you're very lucky to see all of those
beautiful lighthouses. I know when I went back a few
months ago with Mike de Leprechahn and every me and
the wife, we drove up and down I ninety five
through Maine as far as we could get with the
time we had, and we saw some of those lighthouses

(30:04):
and just amazing, just absolutely great, so so so good.
Now it is interesting to note that with GPS technology
elon Musk satellite Wi Fi, that lighthouses are now obsolete.
They're not needed. You don't need a lighthouse because these

(30:25):
boats have GPS. As we said, However, many still operate
around the world, so there's still a lot of these
things out there, a lot of these lighthouses. It is
National Purple Hard Day. I have no fun facts, no
fun facts about the purple heart, which is not really
a fun thing. It is also Professional Speaker's Day. I

(30:46):
had Professional Speakers Day and public Speaking which I'm not
very fond of public speaking. Ranks is one of the
most common fears. It out ranks fears like being afraid
of heights or spiders and things like that. So the
fear of public speaking is called gloss of phobia, from

(31:08):
the Greek word for tongue and fear glossophobia. Okay. Ancient
Greece treated public speaking as a vital life skill. Very
important citizens were expected to speak in court and public assemblies,
So there is that. And if you speak a little slower,

(31:30):
generally it improves audience comprehension. So if that's your thing,
slow it down, Slow it down. Many famous people have
had stage fright, including the great Warren Buffett, who took
a Dale Carnegie public speaking course because he didn't like
speaking in front of groups and he had to do it.

(31:50):
I remember when I was visiting Gettysburg on the East
coast there and they told the story about the Gettysburgage
rest with Abraham Lincoln. Is it true that Abraham Lincoln's
iconic Gettysburg address lasted only about two minutes? Only about

(32:11):
two minutes contained two hundred and seventy two words, proving
that something memorable does not necessarily have to be long form. Now.
The longest recorded speech in America was delivered by strom Thurman,
a hard oh politician who spoke for twenty four hours

(32:33):
at eighteen minutes during a Senate filibuster in nineteen fifty seven.
Twenty four hours, eighteen minutes. My god, that is a ridonculous,
ridonculous amount of time. It is water balloon Day today,
Happy water balloon Day. Some people call water balloons water bombs.

(32:59):
And yeah, now, Michael Faraday, I say that with a
question mark. He is considered the father of the modern
water balloon. What are you talking about, Malor on your
little podcast? Now, listen to me. Michael Faraday invented modern
latex balloons in eighteen twenty four. Can you believe balloons

(33:22):
like that have been around since eighteen twenty four? That's
mind blowing. He filled those balloons with hydrogen. Now, he
was a scientist and he was doing some experiments with
the said balloon and the first actual water balloon. It
was a waterproof sock. It was a waterproof sock. And

(33:44):
this guy Edgar who invented them in nineteen fifty he
was looking for a waterproof sock to help avoid trench
feet out. In about before latex balloons were invented, people
did all kinds of crazy things for balloons. They inflated
the balloon like a pig bladder. They use that as

(34:07):
a balloon, and animal intestines and whatnot. There, So there
you are. Now South Africa, India and a few other
countries have banned water balloons, so if you're planning on
going to South Africa India, in those places you cannot
have a water balloon. So there it is wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

(34:30):
On that note, have a great rest of your Friday.
I'm gonna go snooze for a little bit and then
have the rest of my day, which hasn't started yet
because I haven't been to bed. Have a good one.
And as Dick and Dan would say, bye bye bye bye,
just like I sound just like the Dickster, don't I. Yeah,
I'm glad your phone got fixed, Dick. Bye bye,