February 28, 2026 • 29 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G.) has a fun Saturday podcast for you! Ben talks: Pancakes, the Birds: Suburban Edition, Airborne Pajama Party, & more!
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kutbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mallard starts right now.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
In the air everywhere The Fifth Hour with me, Ben
Maler and Danny g Radio as we slide into the
twenty eighth day of February, the final day of the month,
and we are united in one common goal, the podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
And on this edition of The.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Fifth Hour, we've got pancakes, the birds, and an airborne
pajama party, and we'll throw all of that together and
we are going to make cinema unless we're actually chemically
in balanced.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But we'll begin with this. So today is National Pancake Day.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Now why it is National Pancake Day, I could not
tell you, but pancakes. Which I was reading about pancakes
and they said it goes back more than thirty thousand years.
Now you could call them hotcakes. Some people call them
Johnny cakes. A few people call them griddle cakes. That
(01:32):
batter made for breakfast goes back more than thirty thousand years.
In fact, I was looking some stuff up on this
because I have no life. And the oldest breakfast food
in history is the pancake. It goes back as far
as the Stone Age, and it was found in the
stomach of an Iceman, a famous Iceman whose remains are
(01:56):
estimated to be five three hundred years old.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
So it pancakes been around, been around for a while.
So there you go. Enjoy that. And they celebrate back.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I was reading in the UK they've celebrated Shruve Tuesday
since eleven hundred AD, and that is the day before
ash Wednesday. And it's all, like I said, New Orleans,
it's called Fat Tuesday in America, whatever, but very popular
feast day, and consuming.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Pancakes is a big part of that. So enjoy that.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Now, moving on from that, another chapter in the Life
of Malar the weekly audio book Living the Life of
an Overnight Blowhard in twenty twenty six. Now, so this
is not a complaint, It is a self diagnosis that
this is what happens the other day in the very
(02:53):
quiet cathedral that we call the Malor Mansion kitchen. I
was preparing my one meal a day. I continue my
Michigas with this inter minute fasting, which is not a fad,
not for me. It's not a fad. It is a lifestyle.
It is a decision that one makes so you feel
(03:15):
like you're being healthy. You also have this weird superiority
thing over snackers, and I was a huge snacker for
a long time.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I was a huge snacker for a long time. And
I'll go get a cup of yogurt, you know, two
in the morning, whatever it might be, some chips, and
so I don't do that anymore.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Obviously, I just do the internet fasting thing. I have
a small window. And it also allows me on some
level to say, hey, you know I I don't eat
until four, you know, the way that a monk would say,
I've taken a vow and I'm call me the Malor monk.
So anyway, get to the point. So we had some
leftover ground beef. The leftover going beef was in the
(03:56):
back of the fridge on the right hand side. And
leftover ground beef is a very valuable thing when you
have it in your kitchen. It's an unsung hero for
those that are planning to eat a meal and you're
not sure what you want to make, and like, let
me see what I got, and your futs around and
all that stuff. But it really is the unsung hero
(04:17):
of American cuisine. Ground beef. It sits there in the refrigerator.
If it was baseball, it'd be like that veteran utility
infielder just waiting for his opportunity in the World Series
against the Toronto Blue Jays in Game seven to wallop
a home run, not flashy, somewhat dependable, waiting for the call.
Put me in chef. I'm ready to cook. So on
(04:38):
this day I decided something a little different. I normally
don't eat burritos, but I thought, why not, I'll make burritos,
and not just burritos, because I can't just make briers.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
I made malor burritos.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
And I learned several years back that everything tastes better
when you name it after yourself. And I advise you,
if you do cook in your home, just name the
dishes after you. It just is more fun. So I
hit it up the beef and tossed in some extra
caya and pepper.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
And some chili powder right on top of that ground beef,
which was already cooked. By the way.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
The ground beef had been cooked before I was reheating
the ground beef. So I heated it, put some more
cayenn pepper, some chili powder, and for what I describe
as a donkey style kick in the badonka donk, which
is not I don't believe a medical term should be
a medical term. And I placed the beef in a
large tortilla. Large tortia, not a timid, small, little tiny tortilla,
(05:36):
the oversized burrito style tortilla, the kind of tortilla that
is the bully of the tortilla community, puffed with pride.
All those other little tortillas cannot compete. The purpose of
this tortilla is to give a hardy, hearty meal in
what would become the mala burrito. And the central figure
(06:00):
app around that ground beef that makes the amazing delicious
burrito is the jumbo sized oversized tortilla.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
So I did this.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
I threw some onions in there, some bell pepper, some cheese,
and into the air fryer.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
It went. Five minutes.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Hit the pause button, five minutes, hit the pause button,
but little cheese on top restaurant style. You're gonna do it,
you gotta do it right. So little cheese on top
put the thing back in the air fryer. We were
off to the racist stuff. Flag is up.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
So the air fryer is doing its thing right, and
it's very arrogant.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
The air fryer is a relatively new device in the
modern American kitchen right and.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Behaves like it's an elitist. It's doing you a favor,
swirling around this smug device on your countertop and saying,
you see, you see what I'm doing. I'm healthier. You're
eating healthier because of me.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
You know that whole thing Like it's yelling, I am
the tesla of the countertop appliance.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Okay, great, congratulations, air fryer. Way to go.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
So on this day, not only did I have the brido,
I was feeling a little frisky, little dangerous.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Think of me like a.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Suburban evil Canievel, wearing gym shorts and a Benny's T
shirt that my buddy and p One in Providence provided
me as a gift.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Last year. I think it might have been last year.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
It was a little while back, and this is not
named after me. There was a famous chain of stores
in the New England area named Benny's, and this guy
was very kind. He sent me a nice shirt, so
I have a Benny's Benny shirt. So I decided to
make homemade tortilla chips. And because of inflation, because of inflation,
(07:47):
over the years, a bag of chips has turned into
a luxury item. I'm not sure why that happened. I
don't know how that happened, but I refused to refinance
the Malor mansion to buy a bag of tostitos. So
a few months ago, I was futzing around on the
dark web and I began making my own ships. I
saw a recipe on how to make homemade restaurant style
(08:09):
tortilla chips.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Ding ding ding ding ding. Man, I hear that.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
I'm like, come on now, I've tried to recreate all
of my favorite foods, so my ability to cook includes
all of my favorite foods.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
That's about it.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
So, as you probably know from your life, this is
how it starts. Right first, it's like, well, let me
I like that recipe, Let me try it, Let me
let me try it. Next thing, you know, you're driving
to the Mexican market in what real estate agents would
describe as an up and coming neighborhood with a lot
of upside, which is code for lock the doors. It's
(08:43):
an interesting part of town if you like the hard
scrabble streets. We go on that voyage because these tortillas
are the holy grail. They're the holy grail. Once you
find them, you can't go back. That's it, you cannot
go back. I'm telling you, Oh, you're just blowing smoke.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
No I'm not. I promise you.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Regular tortillas that you get from the grocery store are
just whatever, you know, disappointment, the yellow corn tortilla that's
got the swag, that's got the swag.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
They can craft them however you want for those.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
I usually use them for the tacos, the homemade tacos
that I make, the crunchy tacos.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
But you cut these bad boys into triangles.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
Now, this is important because it gives you your mind
looks at these shapes, and geometry matters because you think, well,
that's like how they have them at the restaurant. So
then you fry them for about two minutes. About two
minutes they puff up slightly like they're very proud of
themselves that they have reached the higher level.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
And then you remove them.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
Now you got to let that oil drain on in
a bowl with some paper towels, and then you got
to salt them and then basking your own, uh, you know,
cooking glory that you were able to do this domestically
make these beautiful chips. So the burritos at this time
were in the air fryer. The chips were frying. I
(10:13):
was orchestrating a symphony of oil and culinary goodness.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Everything was going beautifully.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
Now, if everything continued to go beautifully, this would not
make the podcast, right, this would not make the vices.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
I see you nodding your head. I see Alf over
there in ferg Dog and mal the propka the burrito.
At this time, remember it was air frying the burrito.
The chips were sizzling. At this point, I'm thinking, I'm
getting a Food Network special, Like I'm gonna do a
one time Food Network special overnight sports gas bag. Does
(10:50):
you know something something you We'll call it cooking with
mild Malar Hubris and then plot twist, because that's how
life works. So I stepped away from the stove for
twenty seconds. It wasn't thirty seconds, it wasn't ten seconds,
it was twenty seconds. Twenty seconds. Now, in the history
(11:12):
of humanity, empires have not fallen in twenty seconds kitchens,
that's a different story. So in my peripheral vision, literally
a side eye, I saw something flying buzzing around to
my left hand side in the kitchen, and it was
(11:34):
kind of aggressive. At first, I thought, well, there's a
Is that a mosquito? Is that a fly? Is that
a gnat? And it was particularly motivated. I thought this
might be a masera B. And then another popped up
in my peripheral vision, and another, And now I'm starting
(11:55):
to think, well, this sounds like a This sounds like
it could be a Bible story. It's biblical HITCHCOCKI in right,
the kitchen had become an audition for the Bird's Suburban edition.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
So what was it?
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Well, upon further investigation by the Malar Investigative Bureau, and
when I mean investigation, I turned my head around in
mild panic, like I had found some kind of infestation
of some flying something something.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Maybe it was a flying cockroach.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
It turned out that the paper towel that I had
placed near the stove to soak up the oil from
the chips, and decided that it.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Was ready to well get a little warmer. It caught fire.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Oh oh, the paper towels, it appears, are into attention.
They do not just smolder politely, No, no, no, they
burst into flame like they'd been waiting for some kind
of casting call.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Now.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
One second they were just there sucking up the oil,
the grease and all that, and the next they're auditioning
for Backdraft three, the Mallard Burrito reckoning.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
And it was amazing. I was like, Wow, this is wild,
and then it was horrifying at the same time. I
can't believe this happened or is happening.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
And the flame went from a modest little flame to
an inferno in the time I was looking at it.
The chips, innocent little triangles of ambition were now caught
in the crossfire of this culinary disaster film. The stove
was kind of shaming me, like you should have stayed
(13:49):
over here, you know, And so I thought, like allways
things were talking to me and the stove.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
I know, the stove had been waiting for years just
to mock me, really kill me.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
You know, you and your little air fryer, hiah, you
and your little air fryer huh. Let's see how you
handled the big boy stove. So for a split second,
I in my head, I was like, well, this is
going to be the headline. I don't know that I'm
big enough to make TMZ, but there'll be a headline somewhere.
Overnight sports radio host taken down in flames by tortilla
(14:22):
chips video at eleven. So here's the thing though, about
being the type of person that I am, A bit
neurotic type a personality when the worst happens. And I
learned this as a cub scout boy scout back in
the day. You're ready, You're prepared, Always be prepared. You're
someone that's rehearsed every doomsday scenario. You've done it in
(14:46):
your head four thousand times. So I stayed calm, heard
the ghostly echo of Jim Carrey as Fireman Bill, let
me show you something, and suddenly I morphed. It was
a metamorphosis into fire Marshall Bennie. I grabbed the plate. Yeah,
(15:08):
I grabbed it with my bare hands. Not the wisest
idea burning paper towels flaming chips and all.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
And then I marched.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Across the kitchen like I was carrying the Olympic torch,
and I then proceeded to drop everything into the sink,
cranked on the water full blast. There was a sizzle,
some steam, and then it was extinguished, and then I exhaled.
(15:37):
The Malor mansion was saved to cook another day. The
burritos were fine, they were over in the air fire.
The chips, while heroic, they were soggy. We lost them
to collateral damage. They life well lived.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
However, we made a new batch. So that's a happy
part of the story. And let the record show those
of you.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
That might be questioned, like Justin in Cincinnati and some
of your other knuckleheads, I am not a pyromaniac.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
I am at worst a bug on the rug. But
I am not a firebug. I am not.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
So afterwards, I stood there, I stared at the stove.
The stove looked at me. We had a moment, right,
we had a moment, and I was like, hey, you
showed me stove, you showed me the airfire over there.
Said you should have stuck with me. You know this
wouldn't have happened. You just should have stuck with me.
And the sink was over there, just hey, I'm here
(16:33):
if you have a problem again, And the tortillas were like, hey, hey, Fatty,
you left, you know, you abandon us. And I was
reminded of that old saying that a watched pot never boils.
The second you look away, though, it becomes a volcano.
The second you look away, it becomes a volcano. So
(16:53):
this is what I do. I end up yapping all
night and cooking one meal of the day and occasionally
making up a ree. Know, and I, in this case,
battled burning paper towels. I had to sacrifice some tortilla chips,
but I didn't win the battle with inflation, one triangle
(17:15):
chip at a time.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
And so there you go.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
This is a small win. It's not a huge win.
I guess it's in some ways it's a bigger than
small win, because the house could have burned down if
I had really walked away, If I'd really walked away,
it's just me in the kitchen, fighting the little things
that pop up, the threats that are in the kitchen,
and the steaks.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
This was actually, you know, I look back on it,
this could have been really bad It's wild how fast
that fire once the point is reached of inferno. It's
pretty crazy.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
But the burritos, I know you're very curious, excellent, the chips,
the second batch, very good.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
The stove, we'll see some.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
There on that, and I will keep my distance between
paper towels.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
And the stove in the days to come.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
All right, now, one other thing I wanted to get
to here, the Great Airborne Pajama Party as we turned
the page on the Fifth Hour podcast. So there was
a time before I was alive, back when the Boeing
seven seven still possessed this silvery mid century dignity, when
(18:28):
air travel was an event. We've all seen the video,
and I heard stories from my parents when I was
a kid about what air travel was like and how
amazing it was, and the food was great and everyone
was polite and all that stuff. Get dressed up for it,
You put your church clothes on, you went out there,
You did it right, your technicals, whatever it is. You'd
(18:49):
arrived at the airport looking like a person of stature,
that you were an adult. There was a purpose there,
and that you washed your clothes, you did what you
needed to do. And if you've ever flown in recent times.
You know that the American Airport terminal has been downgraded
(19:11):
into a sprawling, fluorescent lit purgatory where there's a line
I don't even know if it exists anymore between I'm
ready to take off and I just woke up in
the back of a dumpster and I smell like old
tuna fish and it's that thing. I think that line's
been permanently erased. So I mentioned this because the news
(19:32):
this week the Tampa International Airport. Now, I've never flown
into the Tampa International Airport. I've been to Orlando and Miami.
I've not flown into the Tampa International Airport. Although just
being in Florida, you know, there's some unique chaos that
goes on. And they issued a very cheeky ban this week.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
I don't know if you saw it or not. You
did not, okay.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
On pajamas and crocs, which is less than a It's
less of policy shift and more of a cry for help.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Right, it is desperate.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
It was theatrical, like a theatrical gas per air in
the era of the collapse of decorum and all that stuff.
I don't know what their word is, but we have
entered into the age of what I'll call goblin mode
at thirty thousand feet in the sky, and the view
from the window seat is increasingly obscured by the sheer, unwashed,
(20:27):
sadness of it all. Now, just to be clear, the
ban at the Tampa International Airport was known as a
pr stunt. Remember the Sigmund Freud line, there's a little
truth in every joke. There's a little truth in every joke,
And so this was a bit of a plea for society.
(20:51):
No one is actually going to bar the gates against
somebody that walks in with pajama bottoms, you know, the
stained hoddy, the whole thing there, the outfit which most
people wear when they go to the airport. However, the
fact that we even have to ask people not to
(21:12):
treat the airport like their own unmade bed is quite
the look, a deep dive into the way things are
and how many are just bedrackled. So the debate normally
falls into two camps. You have the comfort crusaders versus
the elegant exiles. However, the real issue is not wardrobe.
(21:39):
It's not it's the hygiene that's the issue. Every man,
woman and child that has traveled a couple of times,
or even once has been through that particular aeronautical horror movie,
the disheveled Jackwagon who settles into fourteen B and they
(22:00):
bring with them carry on that is a scent that
is so.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Foul, so profound, so toxic.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
It's biohazardous, and you wonder if the EPA should be
summoned alongside a group of flight attendants and air marshals.
And it is the swamp ass heard around the world. Now,
the airlines, of course, they are the architects of much
(22:30):
of this misery. There was deregulation in the nineteen seventies.
I know how bad deregulation screwed over the radio world,
but in the nineteen seventies there was deregulation for airlines.
And it's been about forty years. I think nineteen seventy
eight was the year. They have treated the human body
as something they can move like Plato around. They can
(22:54):
just make things smaller, even though people seem to be
getting bigger. They have squeezed us in to the average
of I believe it's twenty nine inches. These little airborne
coffins that you pay money to sit in. They've narrowed
everything and we are packed in like sardines in a tin.
And of course they charge fifty dollars for the privilege
(23:16):
of bringing a suitcase with you. So malor memo to Spirit, Southwest, Delta,
American Airlines and all the other airlines. When you treat
people like cattle, you cannot be surprised when they show
up smelling like the barn. Okay, and it's a problem.
So is it conceivable there's some kind of connection if
(23:36):
you stop shoving everyone in as many people as you
can get, piling on top of each other, maybe people
would actually take a shower. So you go to the airport,
this is the experience. You get grope by TSA. You're
then funneled into a seat that hasn't seen a vacuum
since Bill Clinton was in.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
The White House and all that.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Then you've got people that are wearing the moo moo
on one side, right, And it's kind of understandable on
some level.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
It's like feedback to the airlines.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
But the airlines I read the other day they rake
in seven point two billion in baggage fees. Seven point
two billion in baggage fees that used to be free,
used to be Hey, you buy a ticket. You gotta
bring bags. Okay, we're good now, fifty bucks, fifty bucks.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
A bag, Chi ching, chichang, chi ching.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
And then we shrink into these ridiculous seats and you
staggered through terminals, the whole thing, and you.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Get your neck pillow and all those other crap. So
where do I fall? Where do I? Thanks for asking?
Speaker 3 (24:53):
I fall on the side of the theatrical protest. If
we are going to be rammed in to these flying
aluminum tubes, if that's the world that we're in, the
least the least we can do is maintain the illusion
of humanity, right, So listen, if you have to wear crocs,
(25:16):
wear crocs if you must, though I don't know why
on God's green earth you'd want to do that, but
that's your thing. But for the love of all that
is holy, can you please wash them?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Right?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
And if the airlines don't give us space, we must
at least give each other a sense of some kind
of decorum. And that madhouse at the gate is just no,
it's listen, don't do it. I saw that planes are
flying at eighty five percent capacity, and in terms of dignity, it's.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
It's close to zero close to zero. So there was
a joke by the Tampa Airport and you know, it
was all a joke, but there's a little bit of
truth in that, a little bit of truth in that.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
And you know, they can't mandate. I don't want the
government to mandate a dress code. I don't need that.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
At the same time, though, it's gotta be a middle ground.
There's gotta be some kind of middle ground there that
we can all agree on. All right, I'm just.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Merely pointing that out there, you go, all right, it
is the Fifth Hour podcast. I know the combine has
been going on this week the Underwear Olympics are taking place,
and I did see some debate this week on how
long the combine is going to go on. And there's
(26:46):
some predictions that the thing's going to go away and
the next few.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Years is going to go away and all that, and
I it's such a it's such a headline grabber for
the NFL. Like I actually the argument that it's really
unnecessary now with the way the world is.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
And you know, it's like, to me, the workout stuff's
not important. It's all about the news conferences. Like every
day it's been it's it's nugs week, as I called
it on the radio show. It's nuggets, NFL nuggets.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Every day you get a nugget, You get a nugget,
You get a nugget.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
But like the stuff that actually happens on the the field,
I feel like it's.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Just a waste of time. There's a reason that Aaron
Glenn was snoozing. We did the the back on the
Friday Overnight show. Aaron Glenn was caught on camera sleeping
at the combine. And I, well, yeah, it's pretty it's
pretty boring. Now you're getting paid millions of dollars. You
(27:50):
should not do that, right, You should. You should try
to avoid that.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
And you know, and these the fairy tales that come out,
the fairy tales come out of the combine.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I saw the story. It was the headline the other day.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
Ty Simpson, the Alabama quarterback, gained twenty five pounds in two.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Months before the combine.
Speaker 3 (28:14):
And I gotta tell you something, I gained more than
that back in the day, back in my big eating days.
You'll give me all you can eat, all the time,
and I am, I am going for it.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I am I'm in. I will not hold back.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
And so Ty Simpsons said he ate no less than
three meals, often four meals, a lot of shakes.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
He said, Get up, eat.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Drink chocolate, milk, eat lunch, eat the right meal, add
a shake, dinner, eating, adding a saladh blah blah blah blah.
I can gain more weight than that eating doughnuts. I
can eat the cupcake, the cookies, all that stuff. All right, Well,
get out on that note, have a wonderful rest your Saturday,
(29:01):
and we will hit you up on the mail bag
on Sunday. I hope you have a great end to
the month and we'll talk to you next time.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Asta pasta later, skater. I think I hit all the ones.
Did I miss anything? Danny Gee you killed it with
the knife? I think yeah. Aloha b folations.
Kutbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow to clearinghouse of
hot takes, break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Mallard starts right now.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
In the air everywhere The Fifth Hour with me, Ben
Maler and Danny g Radio as we slide into the
twenty eighth day of February, the final day of the month,
and we are united in one common goal, the podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
And on this edition of The.
Speaker 3 (00:52):
Fifth Hour, we've got pancakes, the birds, and an airborne
pajama party, and we'll throw all of that together and
we are going to make cinema unless we're actually chemically
in balanced.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But we'll begin with this. So today is National Pancake Day.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
Now why it is National Pancake Day, I could not
tell you, but pancakes. Which I was reading about pancakes
and they said it goes back more than thirty thousand years.
Now you could call them hotcakes. Some people call them
Johnny cakes. A few people call them griddle cakes. That
(01:32):
batter made for breakfast goes back more than thirty thousand years.
In fact, I was looking some stuff up on this
because I have no life. And the oldest breakfast food
in history is the pancake. It goes back as far
as the Stone Age, and it was found in the
stomach of an Iceman, a famous Iceman whose remains are
(01:56):
estimated to be five three hundred years old.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
So it pancakes been around, been around for a while.
So there you go. Enjoy that. And they celebrate back.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
I was reading in the UK they've celebrated Shruve Tuesday
since eleven hundred AD, and that is the day before
ash Wednesday. And it's all, like I said, New Orleans,
it's called Fat Tuesday in America, whatever, but very popular
feast day, and consuming.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
Pancakes is a big part of that. So enjoy that.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Now, moving on from that, another chapter in the Life
of Malar the weekly audio book Living the Life of
an Overnight Blowhard in twenty twenty six. Now, so this
is not a complaint, It is a self diagnosis that
this is what happens the other day in the very
(02:53):
quiet cathedral that we call the Malor Mansion kitchen. I
was preparing my one meal a day. I continue my
Michigas with this inter minute fasting, which is not a fad,
not for me. It's not a fad. It is a lifestyle.
It is a decision that one makes so you feel
(03:15):
like you're being healthy. You also have this weird superiority
thing over snackers, and I was a huge snacker for
a long time.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
I was a huge snacker for a long time. And
I'll go get a cup of yogurt, you know, two
in the morning, whatever it might be, some chips, and
so I don't do that anymore.
Speaker 3 (03:33):
Obviously, I just do the internet fasting thing. I have
a small window. And it also allows me on some
level to say, hey, you know I I don't eat
until four, you know, the way that a monk would say,
I've taken a vow and I'm call me the Malor monk.
So anyway, get to the point. So we had some
leftover ground beef. The leftover going beef was in the
(03:56):
back of the fridge on the right hand side. And
leftover ground beef is a very valuable thing when you
have it in your kitchen. It's an unsung hero for
those that are planning to eat a meal and you're
not sure what you want to make, and like, let
me see what I got, and your futs around and
all that stuff. But it really is the unsung hero
(04:17):
of American cuisine. Ground beef. It sits there in the refrigerator.
If it was baseball, it'd be like that veteran utility
infielder just waiting for his opportunity in the World Series
against the Toronto Blue Jays in Game seven to wallop
a home run, not flashy, somewhat dependable, waiting for the call.
Put me in chef. I'm ready to cook. So on
(04:38):
this day I decided something a little different. I normally
don't eat burritos, but I thought, why not, I'll make burritos,
and not just burritos, because I can't just make briers.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
I made malor burritos.
Speaker 3 (04:49):
And I learned several years back that everything tastes better
when you name it after yourself. And I advise you,
if you do cook in your home, just name the
dishes after you. It just is more fun. So I
hit it up the beef and tossed in some extra
caya and pepper.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
And some chili powder right on top of that ground beef,
which was already cooked. By the way.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
The ground beef had been cooked before I was reheating
the ground beef. So I heated it, put some more
cayenn pepper, some chili powder, and for what I describe
as a donkey style kick in the badonka donk, which
is not I don't believe a medical term should be
a medical term. And I placed the beef in a
large tortilla. Large tortia, not a timid, small, little tiny tortilla,
(05:36):
the oversized burrito style tortilla, the kind of tortilla that
is the bully of the tortilla community, puffed with pride.
All those other little tortillas cannot compete. The purpose of
this tortilla is to give a hardy, hearty meal in
what would become the mala burrito. And the central figure
(06:00):
app around that ground beef that makes the amazing delicious
burrito is the jumbo sized oversized tortilla.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
So I did this.
Speaker 3 (06:10):
I threw some onions in there, some bell pepper, some cheese,
and into the air fryer.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
It went. Five minutes.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Hit the pause button, five minutes, hit the pause button,
but little cheese on top restaurant style. You're gonna do it,
you gotta do it right. So little cheese on top
put the thing back in the air fryer. We were
off to the racist stuff. Flag is up.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
So the air fryer is doing its thing right, and
it's very arrogant.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
The air fryer is a relatively new device in the
modern American kitchen right and.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Behaves like it's an elitist. It's doing you a favor,
swirling around this smug device on your countertop and saying,
you see, you see what I'm doing. I'm healthier. You're
eating healthier because of me.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
You know that whole thing Like it's yelling, I am
the tesla of the countertop appliance.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Okay, great, congratulations, air fryer. Way to go.
Speaker 3 (07:03):
So on this day, not only did I have the brido,
I was feeling a little frisky, little dangerous.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Think of me like a.
Speaker 3 (07:10):
Suburban evil Canievel, wearing gym shorts and a Benny's T
shirt that my buddy and p One in Providence provided
me as a gift.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Last year. I think it might have been last year.
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
It was a little while back, and this is not
named after me. There was a famous chain of stores
in the New England area named Benny's, and this guy
was very kind. He sent me a nice shirt, so
I have a Benny's Benny shirt. So I decided to
make homemade tortilla chips. And because of inflation, because of inflation,
(07:47):
over the years, a bag of chips has turned into
a luxury item. I'm not sure why that happened. I
don't know how that happened, but I refused to refinance
the Malor mansion to buy a bag of tostitos. So
a few months ago, I was futzing around on the
dark web and I began making my own ships. I
saw a recipe on how to make homemade restaurant style
(08:09):
tortilla chips.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Ding ding ding ding ding. Man, I hear that.
Speaker 3 (08:11):
I'm like, come on now, I've tried to recreate all
of my favorite foods, so my ability to cook includes
all of my favorite foods.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
That's about it.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
So, as you probably know from your life, this is
how it starts. Right first, it's like, well, let me
I like that recipe, Let me try it, Let me
let me try it. Next thing, you know, you're driving
to the Mexican market in what real estate agents would
describe as an up and coming neighborhood with a lot
of upside, which is code for lock the doors. It's
(08:43):
an interesting part of town if you like the hard
scrabble streets. We go on that voyage because these tortillas
are the holy grail. They're the holy grail. Once you
find them, you can't go back. That's it, you cannot
go back. I'm telling you, Oh, you're just blowing smoke.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
No I'm not. I promise you.
Speaker 3 (09:03):
Regular tortillas that you get from the grocery store are
just whatever, you know, disappointment, the yellow corn tortilla that's
got the swag, that's got the swag.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
They can craft them however you want for those.
Speaker 3 (09:21):
I usually use them for the tacos, the homemade tacos
that I make, the crunchy tacos.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
But you cut these bad boys into triangles.
Speaker 3 (09:30):
Now, this is important because it gives you your mind
looks at these shapes, and geometry matters because you think, well,
that's like how they have them at the restaurant. So
then you fry them for about two minutes. About two
minutes they puff up slightly like they're very proud of
themselves that they have reached the higher level.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
And then you remove them.
Speaker 3 (09:53):
Now you got to let that oil drain on in
a bowl with some paper towels, and then you got
to salt them and then basking your own, uh, you know,
cooking glory that you were able to do this domestically
make these beautiful chips. So the burritos at this time
were in the air fryer. The chips were frying. I
(10:13):
was orchestrating a symphony of oil and culinary goodness.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
Everything was going beautifully.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
Now, if everything continued to go beautifully, this would not
make the podcast, right, this would not make the vices.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
That's right.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
I see you nodding your head. I see Alf over
there in ferg Dog and mal the propka the burrito.
At this time, remember it was air frying the burrito.
The chips were sizzling. At this point, I'm thinking, I'm
getting a Food Network special, Like I'm gonna do a
one time Food Network special overnight sports gas bag. Does
(10:50):
you know something something you We'll call it cooking with
mild Malar Hubris and then plot twist, because that's how
life works. So I stepped away from the stove for
twenty seconds. It wasn't thirty seconds, it wasn't ten seconds,
it was twenty seconds. Twenty seconds. Now, in the history
(11:12):
of humanity, empires have not fallen in twenty seconds kitchens,
that's a different story. So in my peripheral vision, literally
a side eye, I saw something flying buzzing around to
my left hand side in the kitchen, and it was
(11:34):
kind of aggressive. At first, I thought, well, there's a
Is that a mosquito? Is that a fly? Is that
a gnat? And it was particularly motivated. I thought this
might be a masera B. And then another popped up
in my peripheral vision, and another, And now I'm starting
(11:55):
to think, well, this sounds like a This sounds like
it could be a Bible story. It's biblical HITCHCOCKI in right,
the kitchen had become an audition for the Bird's Suburban edition.
Speaker 1 (12:11):
So what was it?
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Well, upon further investigation by the Malar Investigative Bureau, and
when I mean investigation, I turned my head around in
mild panic, like I had found some kind of infestation
of some flying something something.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Maybe it was a flying cockroach.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
It turned out that the paper towel that I had
placed near the stove to soak up the oil from
the chips, and decided that it.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
Was ready to well get a little warmer. It caught fire.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Oh oh, the paper towels, it appears, are into attention.
They do not just smolder politely, No, no, no, they
burst into flame like they'd been waiting for some kind
of casting call.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
Now.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
One second they were just there sucking up the oil,
the grease and all that, and the next they're auditioning
for Backdraft three, the Mallard Burrito reckoning.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
And it was amazing. I was like, Wow, this is wild,
and then it was horrifying at the same time. I
can't believe this happened or is happening.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
And the flame went from a modest little flame to
an inferno in the time I was looking at it.
The chips, innocent little triangles of ambition were now caught
in the crossfire of this culinary disaster film. The stove
was kind of shaming me, like you should have stayed
(13:49):
over here, you know, And so I thought, like allways
things were talking to me and the stove.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
I know, the stove had been waiting for years just
to mock me, really kill me.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
You know, you and your little air fryer, hiah, you
and your little air fryer huh. Let's see how you
handled the big boy stove. So for a split second,
I in my head, I was like, well, this is
going to be the headline. I don't know that I'm
big enough to make TMZ, but there'll be a headline somewhere.
Overnight sports radio host taken down in flames by tortilla
(14:22):
chips video at eleven. So here's the thing though, about
being the type of person that I am, A bit
neurotic type a personality when the worst happens. And I
learned this as a cub scout boy scout back in
the day. You're ready, You're prepared, Always be prepared. You're
someone that's rehearsed every doomsday scenario. You've done it in
(14:46):
your head four thousand times. So I stayed calm, heard
the ghostly echo of Jim Carrey as Fireman Bill, let
me show you something, and suddenly I morphed. It was
a metamorphosis into fire Marshall Bennie. I grabbed the plate. Yeah,
(15:08):
I grabbed it with my bare hands. Not the wisest
idea burning paper towels flaming chips and all.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
And then I marched.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
Across the kitchen like I was carrying the Olympic torch,
and I then proceeded to drop everything into the sink,
cranked on the water full blast. There was a sizzle,
some steam, and then it was extinguished, and then I exhaled.
(15:37):
The Malor mansion was saved to cook another day. The
burritos were fine, they were over in the air fire.
The chips, while heroic, they were soggy. We lost them
to collateral damage. They life well lived.
Speaker 1 (15:53):
However, we made a new batch. So that's a happy
part of the story. And let the record show those
of you.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
That might be questioned, like Justin in Cincinnati and some
of your other knuckleheads, I am not a pyromaniac.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
I am at worst a bug on the rug. But
I am not a firebug. I am not.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
So afterwards, I stood there, I stared at the stove.
The stove looked at me. We had a moment, right,
we had a moment, and I was like, hey, you
showed me stove, you showed me the airfire over there.
Said you should have stuck with me. You know this
wouldn't have happened. You just should have stuck with me.
And the sink was over there, just hey, I'm here
(16:33):
if you have a problem again, And the tortillas were like, hey, hey, Fatty,
you left, you know, you abandon us. And I was
reminded of that old saying that a watched pot never boils.
The second you look away, though, it becomes a volcano.
The second you look away, it becomes a volcano. So
(16:53):
this is what I do. I end up yapping all
night and cooking one meal of the day and occasionally
making up a ree. Know, and I, in this case,
battled burning paper towels. I had to sacrifice some tortilla chips,
but I didn't win the battle with inflation, one triangle
(17:15):
chip at a time.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
And so there you go.
Speaker 3 (17:18):
This is a small win. It's not a huge win.
I guess it's in some ways it's a bigger than
small win, because the house could have burned down if
I had really walked away, If I'd really walked away,
it's just me in the kitchen, fighting the little things
that pop up, the threats that are in the kitchen,
and the steaks.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
This was actually, you know, I look back on it,
this could have been really bad It's wild how fast
that fire once the point is reached of inferno. It's
pretty crazy.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
But the burritos, I know you're very curious, excellent, the chips,
the second batch, very good.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
The stove, we'll see some.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
There on that, and I will keep my distance between
paper towels.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
And the stove in the days to come.
Speaker 3 (18:07):
All right, now, one other thing I wanted to get
to here, the Great Airborne Pajama Party as we turned
the page on the Fifth Hour podcast. So there was
a time before I was alive, back when the Boeing
seven seven still possessed this silvery mid century dignity, when
(18:28):
air travel was an event. We've all seen the video,
and I heard stories from my parents when I was
a kid about what air travel was like and how
amazing it was, and the food was great and everyone
was polite and all that stuff. Get dressed up for it,
You put your church clothes on, you went out there,
You did it right, your technicals, whatever it is. You'd
(18:49):
arrived at the airport looking like a person of stature,
that you were an adult. There was a purpose there,
and that you washed your clothes, you did what you
needed to do. And if you've ever flown in recent times.
You know that the American Airport terminal has been downgraded
(19:11):
into a sprawling, fluorescent lit purgatory where there's a line
I don't even know if it exists anymore between I'm
ready to take off and I just woke up in
the back of a dumpster and I smell like old
tuna fish and it's that thing. I think that line's
been permanently erased. So I mentioned this because the news
(19:32):
this week the Tampa International Airport. Now, I've never flown
into the Tampa International Airport. I've been to Orlando and Miami.
I've not flown into the Tampa International Airport. Although just
being in Florida, you know, there's some unique chaos that
goes on. And they issued a very cheeky ban this week.
Speaker 1 (19:51):
I don't know if you saw it or not. You
did not, okay.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
On pajamas and crocs, which is less than a It's
less of policy shift and more of a cry for help.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Right, it is desperate.
Speaker 3 (20:03):
It was theatrical, like a theatrical gas per air in
the era of the collapse of decorum and all that stuff.
I don't know what their word is, but we have
entered into the age of what I'll call goblin mode
at thirty thousand feet in the sky, and the view
from the window seat is increasingly obscured by the sheer, unwashed,
(20:27):
sadness of it all. Now, just to be clear, the
ban at the Tampa International Airport was known as a
pr stunt. Remember the Sigmund Freud line, there's a little
truth in every joke. There's a little truth in every joke,
And so this was a bit of a plea for society.
(20:51):
No one is actually going to bar the gates against
somebody that walks in with pajama bottoms, you know, the
stained hoddy, the whole thing there, the outfit which most
people wear when they go to the airport. However, the
fact that we even have to ask people not to
(21:12):
treat the airport like their own unmade bed is quite
the look, a deep dive into the way things are
and how many are just bedrackled. So the debate normally
falls into two camps. You have the comfort crusaders versus
the elegant exiles. However, the real issue is not wardrobe.
(21:39):
It's not it's the hygiene that's the issue. Every man,
woman and child that has traveled a couple of times,
or even once has been through that particular aeronautical horror movie,
the disheveled Jackwagon who settles into fourteen B and they
(22:00):
bring with them carry on that is a scent that
is so.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Foul, so profound, so toxic.
Speaker 3 (22:10):
It's biohazardous, and you wonder if the EPA should be
summoned alongside a group of flight attendants and air marshals.
And it is the swamp ass heard around the world. Now,
the airlines, of course, they are the architects of much
(22:30):
of this misery. There was deregulation in the nineteen seventies.
I know how bad deregulation screwed over the radio world,
but in the nineteen seventies there was deregulation for airlines.
And it's been about forty years. I think nineteen seventy
eight was the year. They have treated the human body
as something they can move like Plato around. They can
(22:54):
just make things smaller, even though people seem to be
getting bigger. They have squeezed us in to the average
of I believe it's twenty nine inches. These little airborne
coffins that you pay money to sit in. They've narrowed
everything and we are packed in like sardines in a tin.
And of course they charge fifty dollars for the privilege
(23:16):
of bringing a suitcase with you. So malor memo to Spirit, Southwest, Delta,
American Airlines and all the other airlines. When you treat
people like cattle, you cannot be surprised when they show
up smelling like the barn. Okay, and it's a problem.
So is it conceivable there's some kind of connection if
(23:36):
you stop shoving everyone in as many people as you
can get, piling on top of each other, maybe people
would actually take a shower. So you go to the airport,
this is the experience. You get grope by TSA. You're
then funneled into a seat that hasn't seen a vacuum
since Bill Clinton was in.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
The White House and all that.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
Then you've got people that are wearing the moo moo
on one side, right, And it's kind of understandable on
some level.
Speaker 1 (24:09):
It's like feedback to the airlines.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
But the airlines I read the other day they rake
in seven point two billion in baggage fees. Seven point
two billion in baggage fees that used to be free,
used to be Hey, you buy a ticket. You gotta
bring bags. Okay, we're good now, fifty bucks, fifty bucks.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
A bag, Chi ching, chichang, chi ching.
Speaker 3 (24:35):
And then we shrink into these ridiculous seats and you
staggered through terminals, the whole thing, and you.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Get your neck pillow and all those other crap. So
where do I fall? Where do I? Thanks for asking?
Speaker 3 (24:53):
I fall on the side of the theatrical protest. If
we are going to be rammed in to these flying
aluminum tubes, if that's the world that we're in, the
least the least we can do is maintain the illusion
of humanity, right, So listen, if you have to wear crocs,
(25:16):
wear crocs if you must, though I don't know why
on God's green earth you'd want to do that, but
that's your thing. But for the love of all that
is holy, can you please wash them?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Right?
Speaker 3 (25:30):
And if the airlines don't give us space, we must
at least give each other a sense of some kind
of decorum. And that madhouse at the gate is just no,
it's listen, don't do it. I saw that planes are
flying at eighty five percent capacity, and in terms of dignity, it's.
Speaker 1 (25:54):
It's close to zero close to zero. So there was
a joke by the Tampa Airport and you know, it
was all a joke, but there's a little bit of
truth in that, a little bit of truth in that.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
And you know, they can't mandate. I don't want the
government to mandate a dress code. I don't need that.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
At the same time, though, it's gotta be a middle ground.
There's gotta be some kind of middle ground there that
we can all agree on. All right, I'm just.
Speaker 3 (26:24):
Merely pointing that out there, you go, all right, it
is the Fifth Hour podcast. I know the combine has
been going on this week the Underwear Olympics are taking place,
and I did see some debate this week on how
long the combine is going to go on. And there's
(26:46):
some predictions that the thing's going to go away and
the next few.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Years is going to go away and all that, and
I it's such a it's such a headline grabber for
the NFL. Like I actually the argument that it's really
unnecessary now with the way the world is.
Speaker 3 (27:07):
And you know, it's like, to me, the workout stuff's
not important. It's all about the news conferences. Like every
day it's been it's it's nugs week, as I called
it on the radio show. It's nuggets, NFL nuggets.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
Every day you get a nugget, You get a nugget,
You get a nugget.
Speaker 3 (27:24):
But like the stuff that actually happens on the the field,
I feel like it's.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
Just a waste of time. There's a reason that Aaron
Glenn was snoozing. We did the the back on the
Friday Overnight show. Aaron Glenn was caught on camera sleeping
at the combine. And I, well, yeah, it's pretty it's
pretty boring. Now you're getting paid millions of dollars. You
(27:50):
should not do that, right, You should. You should try
to avoid that.
Speaker 3 (27:54):
And you know, and these the fairy tales that come out,
the fairy tales come out of the combine.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
I saw the story. It was the headline the other day.
Speaker 3 (28:06):
Ty Simpson, the Alabama quarterback, gained twenty five pounds in two.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Months before the combine.
Speaker 3 (28:14):
And I gotta tell you something, I gained more than
that back in the day, back in my big eating days.
You'll give me all you can eat, all the time,
and I am, I am going for it.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
I am I'm in. I will not hold back.
Speaker 3 (28:30):
And so Ty Simpsons said he ate no less than
three meals, often four meals, a lot of shakes.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
He said, Get up, eat.
Speaker 3 (28:39):
Drink chocolate, milk, eat lunch, eat the right meal, add
a shake, dinner, eating, adding a saladh blah blah blah blah.
I can gain more weight than that eating doughnuts. I
can eat the cupcake, the cookies, all that stuff. All right, Well,
get out on that note, have a wonderful rest your Saturday,
(29:01):
and we will hit you up on the mail bag
on Sunday. I hope you have a great end to
the month and we'll talk to you next time.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Asta pasta later, skater. I think I hit all the ones.
Did I miss anything? Danny Gee you killed it with
the knife? I think yeah. Aloha b folations.
Host
Ben Maller
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