September 4, 2026 • 41 mins
Benny takes you behind the curtain for The Post Game show from the Great Maller Meet & Greet in Sin City! The Maller Militia assembled from parts unknown, and Benny got perhaps the strangest gift in meet-and-greet history. There was also a postgame party plan involving aquaman that died on the operating table. Plus, more yapping about Kawhi Leonard’s Clippers punishment and the hodgepodge of Hollywood cinema that defines the Kawhi era. Babushka's are studying at Maller University, a celebrity caller’s spouse gets whacked by Vegas Vic’s revenge, and she may have ridden the Vomit Comet! Plus, the sausage-making behind these grassroots Maller meet-and-greets—and why they’re radio magic.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kaboom!
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole bastion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
In the air everywhere. The fifth hour with me, Ben Maller,
and you as we have reached another weekend. It's amazing.
That's the only time you hear this podcast is on
the weekends. It is Friday, the fourth day of September,
(00:50):
a week before the anniversaries for 9-11. It is the
247th day of the year. My computer-like brain tells me
that means there are 118 days left. It is the
36th day of the year. It is the final weekend.
Without the National Football League, and that means that college
(01:14):
football dominates this weekend. It's all about college football, and
I'm excited about it. And the reason I'm excited about
it is because I actually get to focus on college football,
and we can really dig into the college game. And
I know there were some games... Yesterday, last night, or whatever.
(01:34):
But the schedule, I know there's also some games last
weekend and whatnot. However, this is it, right? I mean,
it is on. It is on like Donkey Kong, the
college football card. Pretty much everyone who matters, I think,
if I looked at the schedule, is playing. And yeah,
(01:57):
I mean, so we've got some great matches and some
games today. In fact, my guy, Eddie Garcia, I was
texting Eddie, the godfather, he'll be at the Coliseum in L.A. tonight.
Fresno State, a proud Fresno State alumnus. So when you
watch that game on TV tonight, Eddie will be there.
USC favored by three touchdowns over the Bulldogs of Fresno State.
(02:22):
You have some epic mismatches this weekend. Including today, that
one mismatch. Although Oklahoma and UTEP, Oklahoma a 41-point favorite
in that game. Miami plays Stanford later today. And Miami,
the Hurricanes, that's a short trip. 24-point favorites. 24-point favorites.
(02:48):
Let's see, what is the biggest point spread? There's some
big ones this week, and I'm sure we'll get more
to that. on tomorrow's podcast, but we are looking forward
to today's college football, and I don't have to do
the show tonight, so I can just sit back and
watch some of these games. Not the greatest card in
the world. I've got the magic box, so I'll be
(03:09):
able to flip around and watch some of these games.
You're like, what is going on? Rutgers is a 29-point
favorite over UMass. I'll check that game out because I'm
a curmudgeon. And I stay home, and I do these
kind of things. So college football is back. Excited about that.
And on this podcast, we've got a movie magic, piece
(03:33):
of movie magic, if it was about basketball, and the
official postgame show of what was an amazing weekend in
Viva Las Vegas. We begin, though, with this. A number
of people have reached out to me because I have
been very public about my fandom with the people's team,
(03:57):
the Clippers, and it was a massive story in our
little world here, the sporty world, where the NBA delivered
the hammer of God, so many people are saying on
the Clippers. And I got an email, and I was
going to save this for the mailbag on Sunday. I
have decided just to mention it, and I'm not going
(04:18):
to do a full rant on that. Got an email
from a guy who was very upset that I did
not take the loss of these draft picks more personally.
Felt like I have gone soft in my older age
and says a gentleman named Mike, who did not say
where they're from. I assume from Southern California, but I
(04:40):
don't know. It's had the tone of a Laker fan
or historian, as we like to say. So anyway, Mike
was upset. He was, you know, the old mallor. Back
in your younger days, you would have gone on a
rant and you would have attacked the NBA and you
would have gone on, you know what I'm saying? And
while that is true to a point, that comparison, I
(05:01):
did do a lot of ridiculous rants in my younger days.
I have seen things. I have lived life. I have
seen how they make the sausage, Mike. I know what
goes on. And the stories are out there of... What
the Clippers did, now it's possible the Clippers went next
level and they went alpha, beta, and just like the
(05:24):
whole thing from A to Z and the whole deal.
My whole point, what I had heard all along, and
I had been very open about this, I've talked about
it here on this podcast, on the radio show, that
the people I know that work in the NBA, that
the DNA trail, the fingerprint trail, everything was leading towards
It's going to be a soft punishment, and that's it.
(05:46):
And then this happened, and we were like, whoa! And
now it's this massive quagmire. Steve Ballmer's got F.U. money
multiplied by F.U. money. He's got time on his hands,
and you have now sullied his name. In his world— and
we love Ballmer. He's such a goofball. In his world—
(06:08):
based on the things that I've read the last couple days,
this is like the worst thing that's happened. You would
think when he was working for Microsoft in 07 and
got on stage and ranting and raved about how no
one's going to buy the iPhone because it was too expensive,
you'd think that would be the low watermark. But no,
this apparently is. And the whole thing is, I keep
(06:30):
going back to the word bonkers. It is a quagmire
for the NBA. The Kawhi era. which had so much
optimism and so much promise, and we were all excited.
It was, oh, finally, we've seen the light. And it's
another reminder, be careful what you ask for. And if
the Kawhi era with the Clippers was movie magic, it
(06:54):
would be a hodgepodge, a mosaic, with all these different movies. Now,
the first movie, and I mentioned this when I was
on with my friend Bob Fesco in Kansas City on Thursday, No, yesterday.
The Hangover is the perfect movie to me. The Kawhi era,
it felt like a fever dream, this Vegas bender. And
(07:17):
then you wake up and you're missing all these draft picks.
You don't know where they went. And there's a bill
for $ 30 million. And it was like, It's on the nightstand,
and the Kawhi thing was like a one-night stand because
he hardly played at all, and it wasn't even that good.
And you're like, why did I bother doing that? And
then it's a little bit like the Titanic because you've
(07:37):
got the Intuit Dome, this beautiful... sparkling new ship of
the nba with all those amazing urinal cakes nowhere i'd
rather piss than the intuit dome and then balmer's on
the bridge like in the titanic and the iceberg is
labeled salary cap circumvention but then it's also a little
bit like the wolf of wall street where the clippers
(08:00):
were living high on the hog and they had excess
everywhere right and they ran L.A., really did run L.A.,
and they had these side deals that were a little shady,
and then eventually somebody came snooping around, and there you go.
And then now you look at it, and I'd toss
(08:21):
Home Alone, another classic movie franchise, Home Alone in there,
because the NBA didn't demolish the house, despite what you
may have heard. It just booby-trapped the Clippers' future for
the next decade. Right. So, man, what a what a mess.
What a mess. Now, I'm sure we'll talk much more
(08:43):
about that. And I don't want to do sporty. That
was more movie than sporty. So Viva Las Vegas. The
Fifth Hour podcast is happy to present. The postgame show
from the 2026 Las Vegas Maller meet and greet. And
we held that last Saturday, so less than a week ago,
(09:05):
at the Stakeout Bar and Grill, our normal stomping grounds there,
right across from UNLV Free Parking on a toasty day
in Sin City. I am happy to report no one,
to my knowledge, was injured. There were no fights that
took place, and it was on like Donkey Kong. And
we had a great time. I had a great time.
(09:26):
I don't know if you had a great time. And
if you've never attended... a Malheur meet and greet. And
really like, if you haven't attended one of these things,
what have you done with your life? Now I have
been told, I mentioned this and I've mentioned this in
the past, but for those of you that don't listen
to every single thing I say, I have been told
over the years that these things have become like a
(09:47):
bucket list item for certain members of the Malheur militia.
And I am truly honored. It is flattering that you
think coming out and hanging out for a couple of
hours at a bar somewhere is, is on your bucket list.
It really is a tremendous thing to say. It's also concerning.
(10:08):
You could go to Paris, hang out in Paris, the
Grand Canyon, the pyramids. You could go see the Northern Lights.
And apparently somewhere... on that big board, not a list,
on that big board, Terry in England, not a list,
right between swimming with the Dolphins, seeing the Taj Mahal,
(10:33):
running with the Bulls in Pamplona, is going out and
watching Big Balls Bob sing karaoke at this bar upstairs
near UNLV. Every Maller Gathering, Every one of these things,
it takes a life of its own. It's got its
own personality. You can plan the location, which we did
(10:56):
thanks to our boots on the ground in Vegas. You
can plan the time. We did that. You can tell
people where to go, where to park. We've done all that.
And then after all of the logistics are done, you're
on your own. You're on your own. And this year's
festivities included Metaglass Kyle. who presented me with something I
(11:17):
had never received at any previous listener gathering. I was
given the gift of a condiment. Not just any condiment.
As Kyle knows, this is the gold standard Ken's honey
mustard salad dressing.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
What?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Not just any honey mustard, mind you. The greatest honey
mustard dipping sauce in America, which is technically sold as
salad dressing. That, I believe, is false advertising. Nobody I
know is eating salad with this stuff on it. You
dip chicken in it, the fries, maybe a finger if
(11:55):
nobody is looking. Now, over the years, I have been
very lucky to have listeners present me with nice little
gifts when I go and do these meet and greets.
And I really do appreciate it. And I've picked up
some really cool knickknacks over the years. And I don't
ever ask for anything. some people feel like they need
to do it. And I'm honored that you do. And
(12:17):
it's a very kind welcome. And sometimes it's not even
a gift. It's a sign. I mean, I still have,
I can close my eyes and see the father-son duo
there in Kentucky that had the welcome sign with the
son there holding it up. It was just great. It
was wonderful, right? And so that kind of stuff is
(12:37):
really special and not to get all sappy and all that.
But I've received some strange gifts. The strangest from Doc Mike,
that was not at a meet and greet when he
sent the bloody goat head in the mail, which caused
a lot of problems at work and whatnot. And people
give me shirts and hats and memorabilia and things like
that and homemade items, as I said. Things I probably
(13:00):
shouldn't mention I've gotten because I'm not sure if they
were legal items. To transport across state lines, but we
won't talk about that. However, I have never, ever received
the gift of a condiment. So congratulations to Metaglasses Kyle
there and his magical glasses, which were, he said were
(13:22):
not working. They might have been working. I don't know.
But he has made history. And for the next several months,
every time I eat fried chicken, I will think of Kyle.
And that is either friendship or a desperate cry for help. Now,
Big Balls Bob, my guy, also returned. He lit up
the karaoke stage. He did some other songs as well.
(13:42):
Bob presented me with a classic Las Vegas souvenir hat,
which will be added to my collection. Also, J Scoop
and Tammy in Montana presented a bunch of Malheur Plus hats,
which were amazing. We had a feeding frenzy. I'll talk
about that as well. So I left Vegas with two hats.
(14:04):
and a container of Ken's honey mustard salad dressing, which
is a dipping sauce. Take that, Bellagio! How do you
like them apples, Caesar's Palace? Even Circus Circus is impressed. Now,
a number of you asked why we did not do
the live radio show today. from Las Vegas Thursday into Friday,
(14:29):
there was a scheduling situation. I was on the schedule
to work. I give my schedule out every Sunday on
the Fifth Hour Podcast you're listening to right now. It's
an add-on item for those of you that go above
and beyond the call of duty and listen to this podcast,
which is a work of love, not money. And so
I was scheduled to work. I intended to work. I
(14:50):
was prepared to do the show. And at the very
last minute, there was a snafu. There was a snafu
with the studio. I was supposed to use a studio
that I had used many times. I've gone to Vegas
for probably 25 years now. I've done longer than that, actually.
Longer than that. I've done shows from pretty much everywhere.
I've done shows from hotels. You name it. It's been
(15:13):
all over the place. All over the place I've been
doing these shows. And for whatever reason, I don't need
to get into it here, the studio that I was
supposed to use became unavailable. There was briefly another possibility,
which would have involved me taking a remote box and
broadcasting from my hotel room, which did not seem like
(15:34):
a good idea, considering how loud I am and the
time that I broadcast. That would have caused an issue.
So that became problematic. At that point, Las Vegas itself
seemed to be telling me, Benjamin, stop working. Give us
your money. I said, you know what, Vegas? I don't
(15:55):
like to stop working. I don't like to give you
my money, but why not? I can't argue with Las Vegas.
So I was forced, forced to take the night off. Now,
this actually turned out to be a great mitzvah. And
here's why. This allowed me. to spend more time enjoying
the city. I still have great affection. It's a love-hate
(16:17):
relationship with me and Vegas. I love to bitch and
complain about Vegas. I still have a great romance with Vegas.
Despite Las Vegas spending the last 10 to 15 years
trying to financially mug me and every man, woman, and
child that visits. You got resort fees to the right.
(16:38):
You got parking fees right up your keister. Convenience fees.
I don't even know what that is. Soon there will
be an oxygen fee. And they'll say, Maller, you inhaled
casino air for 14 minutes. And 13 seconds. And as
a result of you inhaling our filtered casino air for
(17:01):
14 minutes and 13 seconds, you will be charged $ 37. 95.
It's a one-time fee. But I had to breathe or
else I would have been in a body bag. I
know that, but we still, I hope you understand, out
of an abundance of caution, and I don't even know
why I said that, out of an abundance of caution,
there's a supply chain shortage on air. And our air
(17:24):
is better air than any other air. So that's going
to cost you $ 37. 95. So anyway, we stayed off the Strip.
My wife likes the hotel that we stayed at because
the beds are very comfortable. She is a bed snob.
I don't really care that much about the beds. Anyway,
I liked it because parking is free. It's not on
(17:44):
the Strip. Parking is free. This is what happens when
you get a little older in life. If you had
asked me at age 25, Like if Tammy in Montana
had come up to a young, very large me, Ben,
at age 25, I would have chosen a hotel because
it had some kind of great nightclub and all the
hot chicks were there and all that stuff. Not that
(18:06):
I had any luck with them, but at my age,
you tell me more about complimentary parking and I'm in.
Just sell me on the parking. So we had good food.
We had good fun. We had a few adventures. One
thing that happened to me in Vegas has never happened before.
And I'm going to save some of that stuff for
(18:26):
another podcast because, you know, why not? I don't want
to spend my entire weekend. From last weekend, just on
one podcast, there was so much that happened. I was
in Vegas. I got to Vegas on Thursday. It was Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Came back, as I normally do, in the middle of
the night because there's no traffic unless there's an accident.
(18:48):
And this is our third straight year. Main event on Saturday,
third straight year, Steakout Bar and Grill. And a giant
thank you to the ownership there at the restaurant. I
want to thank Dave and Slug, our dynamic duo. As
Dave gets up there and he's got the karaoke set
up and he kills it. And Slug, those are our guys.
(19:09):
Slug serving as the lead boots on the ground organizer of...
This audio circus. Now, I often will rant behind microphones
about television ratings in sports being a wellness check for
MLB and the NBA and whatnot. Now, the numbers have
been doctored recently. They changed the way they do the ratings,
(19:31):
so everyone's got higher ratings. Are people watching? Do they care?
And attendance is one thing. Ratings are the most important
thing because it's just a TV show. It's just a
TV show. And anyway, everyone has pretty much moved. on
to on-demand video watching of cats falling off refrigerators and
(19:57):
things like that. So these meet and greets for our
show are like a little wellness check. It's like a
little wellness check. Does the show still matter enough for
People to leave their homes. Does it matter? You look
into that. And apparently, I'm happy to report, not all
(20:20):
precincts are reporting in, but yes. And we're a national show.
We're live and local in your eardrums. And we're very
lucky to have a big blowtorch of 600 plus radio
stations and satellite radio and the iHeartRadio app, which is
an absolute Godzilla. And so it's great. However, the audience
(20:43):
is scattered. We got packs of people. Where you are,
there's other people that listen there, but there's people spread out.
And it makes these gatherings an imperfect measurement. And so
many people seem to be like, hey, come to my town.
I'd love to. I'd love to. But they're not cheap. Vegas, obviously,
(21:04):
is different. Vegas is a destination. People were already coming
to town. Others made the trip. specifically for this nonsense
that we do called the Mallory Meet and Greet. We
had the Louisville birthday crowd, which was just wonderful. A
few of those people bailed out, but what a great way.
They were celebrating the 50th birthday for the wife, and
(21:25):
they come out, have some drinks with us. And it was,
I really want to thank them. The party bus arrived.
Mad Jack, my man, pots and pans. Mad Jack, so
great to see him. And, you know, he's battling some
stuff and he's got some creeping crud and some other things.
And he walked up those stairs and he, it was
(21:45):
just awesome. It was just awesome. And our peeps, Robin
and Ruthie from Vancouver, they made an appearance and I
talked to them briefly. My wife had a good conversation,
said some really cool things about Robin and Ruthie. I
think my wife is helping them plan their wedding or
give them some pointers and I don't want to give
too much away here, but I think she gave some
(22:07):
advice from my situation. Based on my memory, we had
a Johnny Cash-like everywhere crowd. I've been everywhere, man, crowd.
Robbie the Mariner fan representing Oregon. Several of the guys
from Northern California. A lot from Southern California, west of
the 405 and OC, my guys who flew in just
for the event. They used to listen when they were
(22:28):
younger lads. Now they're all grown up. And I'm very proud.
I'm like a surrogate father. You had Mr. Luca Jersey
and the NBA Ignite there. Good dudes. Las Vegas locals,
bunch of Vegas locals, as you might imagine. Henderson, which
is one of my favorite cities. It's just outside Vegas.
Good food. Good food in Henderson. A gentleman flew up
from San Diego to see the UNLV game, and he
(22:51):
stopped by our place. JT, the wingman. His sixth Malheur
meet and greet, he came out from Tennessee, had a
listener who dragged his wife from Tallahassee. Brandon and Nathan,
they came from Florida. I think they're in the Gulf
Coast part of Florida. I'm not sure. I think that's
the case. Had a gentleman from Boston, had a nice
(23:13):
woman from Denver that was in town and she wanted
to come out. She stays up late. And several people
from places that when they told me where they lived,
and I'm pretty good at geography. I'm not great, but
I'm pretty good at geography. But several people told me
where they lived, and I smiled politely and I nodded
my head while having absolutely no effing idea where they
(23:36):
were talking about. Like, I didn't know. So for those people,
I'm putting them down as Timbuktu. Now, it's possible that
they live in the suburbs of Timbuktu or another town
that a couple of miles down the road from Timbuktu.
And it's also conceivable that at one point they lived
in Walla Walla, Washington, and they might have relatives in Kalamazoo.
(23:57):
I'm not sure. It was a hodgepodge of Malheur militia
guys and gals, good-looking people, good-looking people. There was a
lot of karaoke. There was a ton of drinking, massive
amounts of alcohol. There was more karaoke. You had my
friend Lorena bouncing around, socializing, the social butterfly. My wife
(24:18):
was doing similar things. You had Coop, who was holding
court in the back. My guy Natron, who's pretty much,
he owns the back left part of the venue if
you're on the stage, that if you see a guy
wearing an ugly orange Gigantes hat, the Giants hat, with
his very kind wife there in the back of the room.
(24:39):
That's Natron and his wife, and I'm happy for Natron.
He just made the leap, bought the house. Big move. Congratulations,
Mazel Tov. I hope you guys enjoy the house. Good
luck having the fine handymen to come in and fix
the house and all that. Well, maybe Natron. Natron looks
like he's good with his hands. He probably can fix
a lot of stuff. There were Raider people roaming around,
and as always, there were the babushkas. I got to
(25:02):
tell you, I love the babushkas. One of the great
discoveries that I had no idea when I started doing
radio at Fox and overnight radio in particular, all these
years I've been doing this, I didn't realize, and I've
learned it over the years, the silent majority of older
wibbit who listen in the middle of the night. Now,
(25:26):
some of them are sports fans. I've learned from meeting
some of you babushkas. Most of you are not. And
I haven't decided whether or not that is a badge
of honor or whether I should be wearing the shame bell. Shame! Shame! Like,
what does it say about your sports show when people
who don't care about sports enjoy it? Should I be
(25:50):
proud of that? Should I be somewhat concerned? Does there
need to be some kind of investigation? Now, one woman
who was probably... I don't know how old anyone is.
Maybe she was in her 20s. She looked to be
in her 60s. I don't know. Maybe even older than that.
Who knows? And she came up to me, and she
was very excited. She didn't stay very long. She came
up to me, and she told me her whole story
(26:11):
about how she became a member of the Malheur militia.
And she said she wasn't a sports fan at all,
and she's still not, but she listens to Because she's lonely,
and she did the whole menopause thing years ago, and
she's got, I guess, menopause-induced insomnia, which is apparently a thing,
and she's up late, she's lonely, and she enjoys, she
(26:35):
said she enjoys how I do the monologues. She likes
the jigsaw puzzle thing where I'll say, like, pretty much
all I do now is I'll say three things and
then try to, like, put them together, and she says
she enjoys that, which was a compliment. I thought that
was very kind of you to say that, and I
do appreciate that. because a lot of people don't say that.
So I thank you. And she said she's even learned
some things about sports that tell her grandkids, which is great.
(26:59):
I'm sure the grandkids probably roll their eyes, but that's fine.
So apparently I'm now educating the babushkas. You don't need
to go to Harvard or Yale or Stanford. Malheur U, baby.
Malheur U. M-U. Overnight classes. No tuition. Questionable. Accrederation or
(27:22):
whatever the word is. Yeah, it's early. Of course, like
every social media gathering, plenty of people say they're coming
and then life gets in the way. We had no shows.
I'm not here to call anyone out. The biggest were
Mouthwash Mike and Wayne from Missouri. Now we learned Mouthwash
Mike called up. He was in the hospital yet again
(27:43):
as he does this tap dance with the Grim Reaper,
and he's trying to stay alive. And considering Mike has
spent many portions of recent years bouncing between hospitals and
various jails around Vegas, he's like a pinball going back,
you're in the hospital. No, no, I'm in jail now.
(28:04):
And the various other accommodations not listed on Expedia. This
was not entirely shocking that my man Mouthwash Mike didn't
show up. I actually drove around Vegas a little bit.
My eyes peeled as I was looking to try to
find where Mike might be. I saw a lot of
(28:24):
his contemporaries, people down on their luck, homeless, and did
not see him. No Mouthwash Mike. In my head, I
had this plan. I told Robbie, the Mariner fan, I
had this plan to, after the meet and greet, I
was going to take Mouthwash Mike to the Bellagio, to
the fountains, so he could demonstrate his famous Aquaman skills.
(28:46):
And some people swim in the Pacific. Other people say,
I'm more of an Atlantic person. Maybe you swim in
a great lake like Lake Michigan or Lake Superior, the
newly named lake from President Trump. Mouthwash Mike, he loves
the great lake that is the Bellagio. Now, I wanted
to bring Robbie the Mariner fan, Jay Scoop, and a
(29:07):
few others who are characters on the show to witness
what could loosely be described as majestic Olympic swimming. Very loosely. Unfortunately,
as we said, Aquaman did not appear. Now, Wayne from
Missouri is another person I was really hoping to meet.
And Wayne also did not make it. Hopefully he's doing okay.
(29:28):
Wayne survived a near-death motorcycle accident and lost a leg.
He also has the distinction of having dealt with the
most famous drill sergeant. in the history of the united
states marines gunner sergeant hartman the relentless drill sergeant from
full metal jacket famously portrayed by r lee ermy and
(29:54):
That guy, Wayne, actually had R. Lee Ermey as his
drill sergeant. Imagine what that must have been like for
a young lad like Wayne. Yeah, Big Lou, not on
number two. He was a healthy scratch. We mentioned mouthwash
Mike was in the injury tent. And also somebody failed
to clear waivers, so they were not there. That's two
(30:16):
straight years, by the way, Lou. You have told us
you're going to show up. You've even tried to plan
events after the meet and greet and have not attended yet.
Two straight years, something has happened. Now, at some point,
we're going to have to put Lou on timeout, or
at least on the physically unable to attend list.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:37):
That's a list, Terry. He has become our version of
the Loch Ness Monster. There are rumors that Big Lou
is going to be there. No confirmed sightings. Also, Nada,
our friend from LAX by way of Australia... She had
said she was going to attend, and she did not
make it. I was looking forward to meeting her. She
seems like a cool, cool woman. Hopefully her divorce party
(31:00):
was tremendous, or who knows, maybe she got back with
her husband. Based on some of the things she was saying,
I'm betting that was not the case. Lance the bus
driver also teased an appearance. He did not make it. Unfortunately,
Rod the ambassador did not attend. He did cancel, so
we'll give him credit for that. I should not mention
(31:21):
that Supermarket Steve's wife was not there. I will not
mention that, even though she was in Vegas. I will
mention Supermarket Steve did make an appearance and was somewhat
nice to me this time, so that's kind of cool.
And I will not mention at all, I've been told
not to mention, that it is possible that Supermarket Steve's
lovely wife, who makes a mean tiramisu, apparently ate some
(31:43):
bad lettuce and may have ridden a first-class seat on
the Vomit Comet suffering from Vegas Vic's revenge, which is
a cousin of Montezuma's revenge. I don't know. I don't know. However, listen,
the day was not about who didn't show up. It
was about everyone who did. And I cannot thank you enough.
(32:03):
That's the part of these gatherings I never, ever get
tired of. It's difficult. I'm an introvert. I don't eat
at these things because I want to give my time
to you because you're giving your time to me. And
the audience is spread out. We're lucky it spans the globe.
We've got what I would say, like rich people, there's
(32:26):
poor people, there's people in the middle, there's people stuck
somewhere outside the Milky Way. I think there were some
Lizard people that might have shown up there in the back.
You've got all ages. You've got young people, old people, babushkas,
as we talked about. It's kind of like opening a
giant box of Crayola crayons. Different backgrounds, different careers, different opinions,
(32:52):
different politics, all of those things. And for a couple
of hours, a couple of hours, none of the culture
war bullcrap, none of that garbage matters. Nobody cared who
you voted for or anything. what your position is on
the latest WNBA bull crap. Nobody cares about what cable
(33:12):
news you're watching. Are you even still watching cable news, right?
We're there because of this ridiculous little overnight radio show
that is the unifying force, overnight sports radio. Hallelujah. Who knew?
Who knew? And again, the wellness check came back positive.
(33:33):
The overnight airwaves still matter. You showed up, you showed out,
and I could not have been prouder. These events are
not promoted by Fox Sports Radio or iHeart. I have
tried to get them to be part of it. They
have been unable to do that, which is their decision.
(33:53):
They can decide what they want to invest in or not,
and that's fine. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that
that's the reality, and a lot of you have said, well,
do more, and they're expensive. We don't have a marketing department.
There's no free swag that we're getting from corporate anyway.
There's no budget. Nobody's handing Slug a giant expense account
(34:15):
to put together this exorbitant, razzle-dazzle event. We're not the
fancy daytime shows with the promotional tent, the catered lunch,
the seven interns handing out koozies and bumper stickers. This
is a grassroots situation by the people, for the people.
We're meeting the electorate. The hoi polloi, the unwashed. And
(34:38):
I would love to do more of these events. Again, though,
the cost is a problem and the logistics can be brutal.
And sometimes I have the money for them and then
the logistics don't work out. And that's the situation. You
do the overnight show and there's give and take. There's
good and bad. And those are the facts of overnight
radio life. My financial department is basically me looking at
(35:01):
an airline ticket and saying, how much is that? Wait
a minute. And the hotel. Now I've been incredibly fortunate.
We've had some super fans who've been very kind and
helped out J scoop, help make that Seattle meet and
greet Nico and Vancouver was amazing. My God, that was
first class all the way. And so I thank him and,
(35:21):
I had a lot of help from Spin Cycle Regina
in Minnesota. And the South Carolina thing was awesome as well.
And the whole deal. Andy Furman helped me a lot.
My colleague with Newport, Kentucky, among other places. So you
guys have gone above and beyond the call of duty
to organize a lot of this stuff. And I'm really
(35:43):
grateful for that. And some of you have even been
very generous and helped cover the cost of which is amazing.
The Boston event, Mike, the leprechaun, our friend in New Hampshire,
Mike in New Hampshire, just awesome. I still want to
meet Mike in New Hampshire. We might have to do
another Mallard meet and greet Mike. So you're at, you
gotta be there. I know you had a lot of
(36:03):
stuff going on, so I get it. I definitely want
to meet you. So without those guys there, there are
no Mallard meet and greets. I also do want to
thank Tammy and Montana and J scoop again for providing
the Mallard plus hats, not from the company. Near the
end of the event, there was a literal, I said,
feeding frenzy. There was. And we ran out. And I
feel terrible because Tammy from Vegas, she really wanted to
(36:27):
get one. And she didn't get one. And I felt, man,
that sucks. And then, of course, I could have given
her the one I got. But I only got one hat.
And I was like, well, I kind of want that.
But I should have probably given it to her. And
I was kicking myself. I was like, ah, I should
have given the damn hat to Tammy. But that would
have been the gentlemanly thing to do. I guess I'm
not a gentleman. But then I'm like, well, I need
to get one. My name's on it. I kind of
want one. I'd be kind of cool. And so, anyway,
I did learn again. I was reminded there's apparently a
(36:49):
black market for underground Malheur merch. There have been a
few things made over the years, and so people do
want the swag. So I will attempt again to at
least have some T-shirts, some hats made. There was even
a legitimate discussion about launching a Malheur Plus product, which...
(37:11):
Began as a bet with J Scoop and may actually
become a thing. May become a thing because that's how
all great businesses begin. Someone makes a joke. It gets
mocked and ridiculed, mainly to poke fun at Wayne in Duluth.
And then somebody says, you know, people might actually pay
(37:33):
something for that. So we're still figuring out if we're
going to do Mahler Plus and what Mahler Plus would
be like. maybe insider information about how the show comes together,
behind-the-scenes material, extra P1 shows, special merch, that kind of stuff.
And perhaps, perhaps access to my private honey mustard rankings
(37:57):
with my buddy Kyle. It's premium content. So if you've
got ideas... You can email realfifthouratgmail.com, all letters, no numbers, realfifthouratgmail.com.
If you are interested in supporting a Malheur meet and
greet in your city, if that's something you want and
(38:18):
you can help us out on that, you can certainly
contact us and we will consider any and all offers
will be weighed based on the time, the logistics, the
financial situation, all of that stuff. But I am more
than open to going anywhere. I really want to see
everyone and everything I can before my time is up.
So I definitely want to get to all these places.
(38:39):
And finally, to everyone, and this is the most important part,
to everyone who did travel from near, far, or, you know,
my guy, Billy, who I was so happy to meet Billy. Billy,
a guy that has been calling the show for years.
He's lived all over the country. His dream is to
work in sports. And it was so great to put
(39:00):
a face to the voice. And, and he lived literally,
he said right down the street from the steak out
bar and grill. And so that that's about as close
as you can get. And so thank you to him
and to everyone else. Uh, you didn't have to show up,
you know, nobody charged you a ticket, but you, you got,
(39:21):
you got the free parking and not, not on the strip,
but with us and in Vegas, free parking alone is
a significant, perk, I believe. And you came because somehow
through all these many years of the ancient art of gasbaggery,
the strange, bizarre cult of the Malheur Militia on the overnight,
(39:46):
the radio fraternity, We do have a little community. It's
a dysfunctional community. We bust each other's balls. We bust
our chops, and we poke fun at each other. The
microphones are on. The gas bagging begins. You listen. We argue,
and we have a good time. And every once in
a while, we meet up on the second floor of
(40:07):
a bar in Vegas. We eat some questionable food. We
sing karaoke. We hand out hats. and exchange premium condiments.
That is the Mauler Militia, baby. And based on how
things went last Saturday, the wellness check, we're still alive.
We're loud. We're proud. We're still a bunch of wackadoodles.
(40:30):
And I love every wacky thing about this group. And
we are still in the air everywhere. And we will
chat with you later. Tomorrow, tomorrow, more tales from the
Naked City on the next edition of the Fifth Hour.
Enjoy the college football games tonight. I will be watching,
(40:54):
and we'll talk to you next time. As Dick and
Dayton would say, bye-bye.
Kaboom!
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole bastion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
In the air everywhere. The fifth hour with me, Ben Maller,
and you as we have reached another weekend. It's amazing.
That's the only time you hear this podcast is on
the weekends. It is Friday, the fourth day of September,
(00:50):
a week before the anniversaries for 9-11. It is the
247th day of the year. My computer-like brain tells me
that means there are 118 days left. It is the
36th day of the year. It is the final weekend.
Without the National Football League, and that means that college
(01:14):
football dominates this weekend. It's all about college football, and
I'm excited about it. And the reason I'm excited about
it is because I actually get to focus on college football,
and we can really dig into the college game. And
I know there were some games... Yesterday, last night, or whatever.
(01:34):
But the schedule, I know there's also some games last
weekend and whatnot. However, this is it, right? I mean,
it is on. It is on like Donkey Kong, the
college football card. Pretty much everyone who matters, I think,
if I looked at the schedule, is playing. And yeah,
(01:57):
I mean, so we've got some great matches and some
games today. In fact, my guy, Eddie Garcia, I was
texting Eddie, the godfather, he'll be at the Coliseum in L.A. tonight.
Fresno State, a proud Fresno State alumnus. So when you
watch that game on TV tonight, Eddie will be there.
USC favored by three touchdowns over the Bulldogs of Fresno State.
(02:22):
You have some epic mismatches this weekend. Including today, that
one mismatch. Although Oklahoma and UTEP, Oklahoma a 41-point favorite
in that game. Miami plays Stanford later today. And Miami,
the Hurricanes, that's a short trip. 24-point favorites. 24-point favorites.
(02:48):
Let's see, what is the biggest point spread? There's some
big ones this week, and I'm sure we'll get more
to that. on tomorrow's podcast, but we are looking forward
to today's college football, and I don't have to do
the show tonight, so I can just sit back and
watch some of these games. Not the greatest card in
the world. I've got the magic box, so I'll be
(03:09):
able to flip around and watch some of these games.
You're like, what is going on? Rutgers is a 29-point
favorite over UMass. I'll check that game out because I'm
a curmudgeon. And I stay home, and I do these
kind of things. So college football is back. Excited about that.
And on this podcast, we've got a movie magic, piece
(03:33):
of movie magic, if it was about basketball, and the
official postgame show of what was an amazing weekend in
Viva Las Vegas. We begin, though, with this. A number
of people have reached out to me because I have
been very public about my fandom with the people's team,
(03:57):
the Clippers, and it was a massive story in our
little world here, the sporty world, where the NBA delivered
the hammer of God, so many people are saying on
the Clippers. And I got an email, and I was
going to save this for the mailbag on Sunday. I
have decided just to mention it, and I'm not going
(04:18):
to do a full rant on that. Got an email
from a guy who was very upset that I did
not take the loss of these draft picks more personally.
Felt like I have gone soft in my older age
and says a gentleman named Mike, who did not say
where they're from. I assume from Southern California, but I
(04:40):
don't know. It's had the tone of a Laker fan
or historian, as we like to say. So anyway, Mike
was upset. He was, you know, the old mallor. Back
in your younger days, you would have gone on a
rant and you would have attacked the NBA and you
would have gone on, you know what I'm saying? And
while that is true to a point, that comparison, I
(05:01):
did do a lot of ridiculous rants in my younger days.
I have seen things. I have lived life. I have
seen how they make the sausage, Mike. I know what
goes on. And the stories are out there of... What
the Clippers did, now it's possible the Clippers went next
level and they went alpha, beta, and just like the
(05:24):
whole thing from A to Z and the whole deal.
My whole point, what I had heard all along, and
I had been very open about this, I've talked about
it here on this podcast, on the radio show, that
the people I know that work in the NBA, that
the DNA trail, the fingerprint trail, everything was leading towards
It's going to be a soft punishment, and that's it.
(05:46):
And then this happened, and we were like, whoa! And
now it's this massive quagmire. Steve Ballmer's got F.U. money
multiplied by F.U. money. He's got time on his hands,
and you have now sullied his name. In his world— and
we love Ballmer. He's such a goofball. In his world—
(06:08):
based on the things that I've read the last couple days,
this is like the worst thing that's happened. You would
think when he was working for Microsoft in 07 and
got on stage and ranting and raved about how no
one's going to buy the iPhone because it was too expensive,
you'd think that would be the low watermark. But no,
this apparently is. And the whole thing is, I keep
(06:30):
going back to the word bonkers. It is a quagmire
for the NBA. The Kawhi era. which had so much
optimism and so much promise, and we were all excited.
It was, oh, finally, we've seen the light. And it's
another reminder, be careful what you ask for. And if
the Kawhi era with the Clippers was movie magic, it
(06:54):
would be a hodgepodge, a mosaic, with all these different movies. Now,
the first movie, and I mentioned this when I was
on with my friend Bob Fesco in Kansas City on Thursday, No, yesterday.
The Hangover is the perfect movie to me. The Kawhi era,
it felt like a fever dream, this Vegas bender. And
(07:17):
then you wake up and you're missing all these draft picks.
You don't know where they went. And there's a bill
for $ 30 million. And it was like, It's on the nightstand,
and the Kawhi thing was like a one-night stand because
he hardly played at all, and it wasn't even that good.
And you're like, why did I bother doing that? And
then it's a little bit like the Titanic because you've
(07:37):
got the Intuit Dome, this beautiful... sparkling new ship of
the nba with all those amazing urinal cakes nowhere i'd
rather piss than the intuit dome and then balmer's on
the bridge like in the titanic and the iceberg is
labeled salary cap circumvention but then it's also a little
bit like the wolf of wall street where the clippers
(08:00):
were living high on the hog and they had excess
everywhere right and they ran L.A., really did run L.A.,
and they had these side deals that were a little shady,
and then eventually somebody came snooping around, and there you go.
And then now you look at it, and I'd toss
(08:21):
Home Alone, another classic movie franchise, Home Alone in there,
because the NBA didn't demolish the house, despite what you
may have heard. It just booby-trapped the Clippers' future for
the next decade. Right. So, man, what a what a mess.
What a mess. Now, I'm sure we'll talk much more
(08:43):
about that. And I don't want to do sporty. That
was more movie than sporty. So Viva Las Vegas. The
Fifth Hour podcast is happy to present. The postgame show
from the 2026 Las Vegas Maller meet and greet. And
we held that last Saturday, so less than a week ago,
(09:05):
at the Stakeout Bar and Grill, our normal stomping grounds there,
right across from UNLV Free Parking on a toasty day
in Sin City. I am happy to report no one,
to my knowledge, was injured. There were no fights that
took place, and it was on like Donkey Kong. And
we had a great time. I had a great time.
(09:26):
I don't know if you had a great time. And
if you've never attended... a Malheur meet and greet. And
really like, if you haven't attended one of these things,
what have you done with your life? Now I have
been told, I mentioned this and I've mentioned this in
the past, but for those of you that don't listen
to every single thing I say, I have been told
over the years that these things have become like a
(09:47):
bucket list item for certain members of the Malheur militia.
And I am truly honored. It is flattering that you
think coming out and hanging out for a couple of
hours at a bar somewhere is, is on your bucket list.
It really is a tremendous thing to say. It's also concerning.
(10:08):
You could go to Paris, hang out in Paris, the
Grand Canyon, the pyramids. You could go see the Northern Lights.
And apparently somewhere... on that big board, not a list,
on that big board, Terry in England, not a list,
right between swimming with the Dolphins, seeing the Taj Mahal,
(10:33):
running with the Bulls in Pamplona, is going out and
watching Big Balls Bob sing karaoke at this bar upstairs
near UNLV. Every Maller Gathering, Every one of these things,
it takes a life of its own. It's got its
own personality. You can plan the location, which we did
(10:56):
thanks to our boots on the ground in Vegas. You
can plan the time. We did that. You can tell
people where to go, where to park. We've done all that.
And then after all of the logistics are done, you're
on your own. You're on your own. And this year's
festivities included Metaglass Kyle. who presented me with something I
(11:17):
had never received at any previous listener gathering. I was
given the gift of a condiment. Not just any condiment.
As Kyle knows, this is the gold standard Ken's honey
mustard salad dressing.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
What?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Not just any honey mustard, mind you. The greatest honey
mustard dipping sauce in America, which is technically sold as
salad dressing. That, I believe, is false advertising. Nobody I
know is eating salad with this stuff on it. You
dip chicken in it, the fries, maybe a finger if
(11:55):
nobody is looking. Now, over the years, I have been
very lucky to have listeners present me with nice little
gifts when I go and do these meet and greets.
And I really do appreciate it. And I've picked up
some really cool knickknacks over the years. And I don't
ever ask for anything. some people feel like they need
to do it. And I'm honored that you do. And
(12:17):
it's a very kind welcome. And sometimes it's not even
a gift. It's a sign. I mean, I still have,
I can close my eyes and see the father-son duo
there in Kentucky that had the welcome sign with the
son there holding it up. It was just great. It
was wonderful, right? And so that kind of stuff is
(12:37):
really special and not to get all sappy and all that.
But I've received some strange gifts. The strangest from Doc Mike,
that was not at a meet and greet when he
sent the bloody goat head in the mail, which caused
a lot of problems at work and whatnot. And people
give me shirts and hats and memorabilia and things like
that and homemade items, as I said. Things I probably
(13:00):
shouldn't mention I've gotten because I'm not sure if they
were legal items. To transport across state lines, but we
won't talk about that. However, I have never, ever received
the gift of a condiment. So congratulations to Metaglasses Kyle
there and his magical glasses, which were, he said were
(13:22):
not working. They might have been working. I don't know.
But he has made history. And for the next several months,
every time I eat fried chicken, I will think of Kyle.
And that is either friendship or a desperate cry for help. Now,
Big Balls Bob, my guy, also returned. He lit up
the karaoke stage. He did some other songs as well.
(13:42):
Bob presented me with a classic Las Vegas souvenir hat,
which will be added to my collection. Also, J Scoop
and Tammy in Montana presented a bunch of Malheur Plus hats,
which were amazing. We had a feeding frenzy. I'll talk
about that as well. So I left Vegas with two hats.
(14:04):
and a container of Ken's honey mustard salad dressing, which
is a dipping sauce. Take that, Bellagio! How do you
like them apples, Caesar's Palace? Even Circus Circus is impressed. Now,
a number of you asked why we did not do
the live radio show today. from Las Vegas Thursday into Friday,
(14:29):
there was a scheduling situation. I was on the schedule
to work. I give my schedule out every Sunday on
the Fifth Hour Podcast you're listening to right now. It's
an add-on item for those of you that go above
and beyond the call of duty and listen to this podcast,
which is a work of love, not money. And so
I was scheduled to work. I intended to work. I
(14:50):
was prepared to do the show. And at the very
last minute, there was a snafu. There was a snafu
with the studio. I was supposed to use a studio
that I had used many times. I've gone to Vegas
for probably 25 years now. I've done longer than that, actually.
Longer than that. I've done shows from pretty much everywhere.
I've done shows from hotels. You name it. It's been
(15:13):
all over the place. All over the place I've been
doing these shows. And for whatever reason, I don't need
to get into it here, the studio that I was
supposed to use became unavailable. There was briefly another possibility,
which would have involved me taking a remote box and
broadcasting from my hotel room, which did not seem like
(15:34):
a good idea, considering how loud I am and the
time that I broadcast. That would have caused an issue.
So that became problematic. At that point, Las Vegas itself
seemed to be telling me, Benjamin, stop working. Give us
your money. I said, you know what, Vegas? I don't
(15:55):
like to stop working. I don't like to give you
my money, but why not? I can't argue with Las Vegas.
So I was forced, forced to take the night off. Now,
this actually turned out to be a great mitzvah. And
here's why. This allowed me. to spend more time enjoying
the city. I still have great affection. It's a love-hate
(16:17):
relationship with me and Vegas. I love to bitch and
complain about Vegas. I still have a great romance with Vegas.
Despite Las Vegas spending the last 10 to 15 years
trying to financially mug me and every man, woman, and
child that visits. You got resort fees to the right.
(16:38):
You got parking fees right up your keister. Convenience fees.
I don't even know what that is. Soon there will
be an oxygen fee. And they'll say, Maller, you inhaled
casino air for 14 minutes. And 13 seconds. And as
a result of you inhaling our filtered casino air for
(17:01):
14 minutes and 13 seconds, you will be charged $ 37. 95.
It's a one-time fee. But I had to breathe or
else I would have been in a body bag. I
know that, but we still, I hope you understand, out
of an abundance of caution, and I don't even know
why I said that, out of an abundance of caution,
there's a supply chain shortage on air. And our air
(17:24):
is better air than any other air. So that's going
to cost you $ 37. 95. So anyway, we stayed off the Strip.
My wife likes the hotel that we stayed at because
the beds are very comfortable. She is a bed snob.
I don't really care that much about the beds. Anyway,
I liked it because parking is free. It's not on
(17:44):
the Strip. Parking is free. This is what happens when
you get a little older in life. If you had
asked me at age 25, Like if Tammy in Montana
had come up to a young, very large me, Ben,
at age 25, I would have chosen a hotel because
it had some kind of great nightclub and all the
hot chicks were there and all that stuff. Not that
(18:06):
I had any luck with them, but at my age,
you tell me more about complimentary parking and I'm in.
Just sell me on the parking. So we had good food.
We had good fun. We had a few adventures. One
thing that happened to me in Vegas has never happened before.
And I'm going to save some of that stuff for
(18:26):
another podcast because, you know, why not? I don't want
to spend my entire weekend. From last weekend, just on
one podcast, there was so much that happened. I was
in Vegas. I got to Vegas on Thursday. It was Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
Came back, as I normally do, in the middle of
the night because there's no traffic unless there's an accident.
(18:48):
And this is our third straight year. Main event on Saturday,
third straight year, Steakout Bar and Grill. And a giant
thank you to the ownership there at the restaurant. I
want to thank Dave and Slug, our dynamic duo. As
Dave gets up there and he's got the karaoke set
up and he kills it. And Slug, those are our guys.
(19:09):
Slug serving as the lead boots on the ground organizer of...
This audio circus. Now, I often will rant behind microphones
about television ratings in sports being a wellness check for
MLB and the NBA and whatnot. Now, the numbers have
been doctored recently. They changed the way they do the ratings,
(19:31):
so everyone's got higher ratings. Are people watching? Do they care?
And attendance is one thing. Ratings are the most important
thing because it's just a TV show. It's just a
TV show. And anyway, everyone has pretty much moved. on
to on-demand video watching of cats falling off refrigerators and
(19:57):
things like that. So these meet and greets for our
show are like a little wellness check. It's like a
little wellness check. Does the show still matter enough for
People to leave their homes. Does it matter? You look
into that. And apparently, I'm happy to report, not all
(20:20):
precincts are reporting in, but yes. And we're a national show.
We're live and local in your eardrums. And we're very
lucky to have a big blowtorch of 600 plus radio
stations and satellite radio and the iHeartRadio app, which is
an absolute Godzilla. And so it's great. However, the audience
(20:43):
is scattered. We got packs of people. Where you are,
there's other people that listen there, but there's people spread out.
And it makes these gatherings an imperfect measurement. And so
many people seem to be like, hey, come to my town.
I'd love to. I'd love to. But they're not cheap. Vegas, obviously,
(21:04):
is different. Vegas is a destination. People were already coming
to town. Others made the trip. specifically for this nonsense
that we do called the Mallory Meet and Greet. We
had the Louisville birthday crowd, which was just wonderful. A
few of those people bailed out, but what a great way.
They were celebrating the 50th birthday for the wife, and
(21:25):
they come out, have some drinks with us. And it was,
I really want to thank them. The party bus arrived.
Mad Jack, my man, pots and pans. Mad Jack, so
great to see him. And, you know, he's battling some
stuff and he's got some creeping crud and some other things.
And he walked up those stairs and he, it was
(21:45):
just awesome. It was just awesome. And our peeps, Robin
and Ruthie from Vancouver, they made an appearance and I
talked to them briefly. My wife had a good conversation,
said some really cool things about Robin and Ruthie. I
think my wife is helping them plan their wedding or
give them some pointers and I don't want to give
too much away here, but I think she gave some
(22:07):
advice from my situation. Based on my memory, we had
a Johnny Cash-like everywhere crowd. I've been everywhere, man, crowd.
Robbie the Mariner fan representing Oregon. Several of the guys
from Northern California. A lot from Southern California, west of
the 405 and OC, my guys who flew in just
for the event. They used to listen when they were
(22:28):
younger lads. Now they're all grown up. And I'm very proud.
I'm like a surrogate father. You had Mr. Luca Jersey
and the NBA Ignite there. Good dudes. Las Vegas locals,
bunch of Vegas locals, as you might imagine. Henderson, which
is one of my favorite cities. It's just outside Vegas.
Good food. Good food in Henderson. A gentleman flew up
from San Diego to see the UNLV game, and he
(22:51):
stopped by our place. JT, the wingman. His sixth Malheur
meet and greet, he came out from Tennessee, had a
listener who dragged his wife from Tallahassee. Brandon and Nathan,
they came from Florida. I think they're in the Gulf
Coast part of Florida. I'm not sure. I think that's
the case. Had a gentleman from Boston, had a nice
(23:13):
woman from Denver that was in town and she wanted
to come out. She stays up late. And several people
from places that when they told me where they lived,
and I'm pretty good at geography. I'm not great, but
I'm pretty good at geography. But several people told me
where they lived, and I smiled politely and I nodded
my head while having absolutely no effing idea where they
(23:36):
were talking about. Like, I didn't know. So for those people,
I'm putting them down as Timbuktu. Now, it's possible that
they live in the suburbs of Timbuktu or another town
that a couple of miles down the road from Timbuktu.
And it's also conceivable that at one point they lived
in Walla Walla, Washington, and they might have relatives in Kalamazoo.
(23:57):
I'm not sure. It was a hodgepodge of Malheur militia
guys and gals, good-looking people, good-looking people. There was a
lot of karaoke. There was a ton of drinking, massive
amounts of alcohol. There was more karaoke. You had my
friend Lorena bouncing around, socializing, the social butterfly. My wife
(24:18):
was doing similar things. You had Coop, who was holding
court in the back. My guy Natron, who's pretty much,
he owns the back left part of the venue if
you're on the stage, that if you see a guy
wearing an ugly orange Gigantes hat, the Giants hat, with
his very kind wife there in the back of the room.
(24:39):
That's Natron and his wife, and I'm happy for Natron.
He just made the leap, bought the house. Big move. Congratulations,
Mazel Tov. I hope you guys enjoy the house. Good
luck having the fine handymen to come in and fix
the house and all that. Well, maybe Natron. Natron looks
like he's good with his hands. He probably can fix
a lot of stuff. There were Raider people roaming around,
and as always, there were the babushkas. I got to
(25:02):
tell you, I love the babushkas. One of the great
discoveries that I had no idea when I started doing
radio at Fox and overnight radio in particular, all these
years I've been doing this, I didn't realize, and I've
learned it over the years, the silent majority of older
wibbit who listen in the middle of the night. Now,
(25:26):
some of them are sports fans. I've learned from meeting
some of you babushkas. Most of you are not. And
I haven't decided whether or not that is a badge
of honor or whether I should be wearing the shame bell. Shame! Shame! Like,
what does it say about your sports show when people
who don't care about sports enjoy it? Should I be
(25:50):
proud of that? Should I be somewhat concerned? Does there
need to be some kind of investigation? Now, one woman
who was probably... I don't know how old anyone is.
Maybe she was in her 20s. She looked to be
in her 60s. I don't know. Maybe even older than that.
Who knows? And she came up to me, and she
was very excited. She didn't stay very long. She came
up to me, and she told me her whole story
(26:11):
about how she became a member of the Malheur militia.
And she said she wasn't a sports fan at all,
and she's still not, but she listens to Because she's lonely,
and she did the whole menopause thing years ago, and
she's got, I guess, menopause-induced insomnia, which is apparently a thing,
and she's up late, she's lonely, and she enjoys, she
(26:35):
said she enjoys how I do the monologues. She likes
the jigsaw puzzle thing where I'll say, like, pretty much
all I do now is I'll say three things and
then try to, like, put them together, and she says
she enjoys that, which was a compliment. I thought that
was very kind of you to say that, and I
do appreciate that. because a lot of people don't say that.
So I thank you. And she said she's even learned
some things about sports that tell her grandkids, which is great.
(26:59):
I'm sure the grandkids probably roll their eyes, but that's fine.
So apparently I'm now educating the babushkas. You don't need
to go to Harvard or Yale or Stanford. Malheur U, baby.
Malheur U. M-U. Overnight classes. No tuition. Questionable. Accrederation or
(27:22):
whatever the word is. Yeah, it's early. Of course, like
every social media gathering, plenty of people say they're coming
and then life gets in the way. We had no shows.
I'm not here to call anyone out. The biggest were
Mouthwash Mike and Wayne from Missouri. Now we learned Mouthwash
Mike called up. He was in the hospital yet again
(27:43):
as he does this tap dance with the Grim Reaper,
and he's trying to stay alive. And considering Mike has
spent many portions of recent years bouncing between hospitals and
various jails around Vegas, he's like a pinball going back,
you're in the hospital. No, no, I'm in jail now.
(28:04):
And the various other accommodations not listed on Expedia. This
was not entirely shocking that my man Mouthwash Mike didn't
show up. I actually drove around Vegas a little bit.
My eyes peeled as I was looking to try to
find where Mike might be. I saw a lot of
(28:24):
his contemporaries, people down on their luck, homeless, and did
not see him. No Mouthwash Mike. In my head, I
had this plan. I told Robbie, the Mariner fan, I
had this plan to, after the meet and greet, I
was going to take Mouthwash Mike to the Bellagio, to
the fountains, so he could demonstrate his famous Aquaman skills.
(28:46):
And some people swim in the Pacific. Other people say,
I'm more of an Atlantic person. Maybe you swim in
a great lake like Lake Michigan or Lake Superior, the
newly named lake from President Trump. Mouthwash Mike, he loves
the great lake that is the Bellagio. Now, I wanted
to bring Robbie the Mariner fan, Jay Scoop, and a
(29:07):
few others who are characters on the show to witness
what could loosely be described as majestic Olympic swimming. Very loosely. Unfortunately,
as we said, Aquaman did not appear. Now, Wayne from
Missouri is another person I was really hoping to meet.
And Wayne also did not make it. Hopefully he's doing okay.
(29:28):
Wayne survived a near-death motorcycle accident and lost a leg.
He also has the distinction of having dealt with the
most famous drill sergeant. in the history of the united
states marines gunner sergeant hartman the relentless drill sergeant from
full metal jacket famously portrayed by r lee ermy and
(29:54):
That guy, Wayne, actually had R. Lee Ermey as his
drill sergeant. Imagine what that must have been like for
a young lad like Wayne. Yeah, Big Lou, not on
number two. He was a healthy scratch. We mentioned mouthwash
Mike was in the injury tent. And also somebody failed
to clear waivers, so they were not there. That's two
(30:16):
straight years, by the way, Lou. You have told us
you're going to show up. You've even tried to plan
events after the meet and greet and have not attended yet.
Two straight years, something has happened. Now, at some point,
we're going to have to put Lou on timeout, or
at least on the physically unable to attend list.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:37):
That's a list, Terry. He has become our version of
the Loch Ness Monster. There are rumors that Big Lou
is going to be there. No confirmed sightings. Also, Nada,
our friend from LAX by way of Australia... She had
said she was going to attend, and she did not
make it. I was looking forward to meeting her. She
seems like a cool, cool woman. Hopefully her divorce party
(31:00):
was tremendous, or who knows, maybe she got back with
her husband. Based on some of the things she was saying,
I'm betting that was not the case. Lance the bus
driver also teased an appearance. He did not make it. Unfortunately,
Rod the ambassador did not attend. He did cancel, so
we'll give him credit for that. I should not mention
(31:21):
that Supermarket Steve's wife was not there. I will not
mention that, even though she was in Vegas. I will
mention Supermarket Steve did make an appearance and was somewhat
nice to me this time, so that's kind of cool.
And I will not mention at all, I've been told
not to mention, that it is possible that Supermarket Steve's
lovely wife, who makes a mean tiramisu, apparently ate some
(31:43):
bad lettuce and may have ridden a first-class seat on
the Vomit Comet suffering from Vegas Vic's revenge, which is
a cousin of Montezuma's revenge. I don't know. I don't know. However, listen,
the day was not about who didn't show up. It
was about everyone who did. And I cannot thank you enough.
(32:03):
That's the part of these gatherings I never, ever get
tired of. It's difficult. I'm an introvert. I don't eat
at these things because I want to give my time
to you because you're giving your time to me. And
the audience is spread out. We're lucky it spans the globe.
We've got what I would say, like rich people, there's
(32:26):
poor people, there's people in the middle, there's people stuck
somewhere outside the Milky Way. I think there were some
Lizard people that might have shown up there in the back.
You've got all ages. You've got young people, old people, babushkas,
as we talked about. It's kind of like opening a
giant box of Crayola crayons. Different backgrounds, different careers, different opinions,
(32:52):
different politics, all of those things. And for a couple
of hours, a couple of hours, none of the culture
war bullcrap, none of that garbage matters. Nobody cared who
you voted for or anything. what your position is on
the latest WNBA bull crap. Nobody cares about what cable
(33:12):
news you're watching. Are you even still watching cable news, right?
We're there because of this ridiculous little overnight radio show
that is the unifying force, overnight sports radio. Hallelujah. Who knew?
Who knew? And again, the wellness check came back positive.
(33:33):
The overnight airwaves still matter. You showed up, you showed out,
and I could not have been prouder. These events are
not promoted by Fox Sports Radio or iHeart. I have
tried to get them to be part of it. They
have been unable to do that, which is their decision.
(33:53):
They can decide what they want to invest in or not,
and that's fine. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that
that's the reality, and a lot of you have said, well,
do more, and they're expensive. We don't have a marketing department.
There's no free swag that we're getting from corporate anyway.
There's no budget. Nobody's handing Slug a giant expense account
(34:15):
to put together this exorbitant, razzle-dazzle event. We're not the
fancy daytime shows with the promotional tent, the catered lunch,
the seven interns handing out koozies and bumper stickers. This
is a grassroots situation by the people, for the people.
We're meeting the electorate. The hoi polloi, the unwashed. And
(34:38):
I would love to do more of these events. Again, though,
the cost is a problem and the logistics can be brutal.
And sometimes I have the money for them and then
the logistics don't work out. And that's the situation. You
do the overnight show and there's give and take. There's
good and bad. And those are the facts of overnight
radio life. My financial department is basically me looking at
(35:01):
an airline ticket and saying, how much is that? Wait
a minute. And the hotel. Now I've been incredibly fortunate.
We've had some super fans who've been very kind and
helped out J scoop, help make that Seattle meet and
greet Nico and Vancouver was amazing. My God, that was
first class all the way. And so I thank him and,
(35:21):
I had a lot of help from Spin Cycle Regina
in Minnesota. And the South Carolina thing was awesome as well.
And the whole deal. Andy Furman helped me a lot.
My colleague with Newport, Kentucky, among other places. So you
guys have gone above and beyond the call of duty
to organize a lot of this stuff. And I'm really
(35:43):
grateful for that. And some of you have even been
very generous and helped cover the cost of which is amazing.
The Boston event, Mike, the leprechaun, our friend in New Hampshire,
Mike in New Hampshire, just awesome. I still want to
meet Mike in New Hampshire. We might have to do
another Mallard meet and greet Mike. So you're at, you
gotta be there. I know you had a lot of
(36:03):
stuff going on, so I get it. I definitely want
to meet you. So without those guys there, there are
no Mallard meet and greets. I also do want to
thank Tammy and Montana and J scoop again for providing
the Mallard plus hats, not from the company. Near the
end of the event, there was a literal, I said,
feeding frenzy. There was. And we ran out. And I
feel terrible because Tammy from Vegas, she really wanted to
(36:27):
get one. And she didn't get one. And I felt, man,
that sucks. And then, of course, I could have given
her the one I got. But I only got one hat.
And I was like, well, I kind of want that.
But I should have probably given it to her. And
I was kicking myself. I was like, ah, I should
have given the damn hat to Tammy. But that would
have been the gentlemanly thing to do. I guess I'm
not a gentleman. But then I'm like, well, I need
to get one. My name's on it. I kind of
want one. I'd be kind of cool. And so, anyway,
I did learn again. I was reminded there's apparently a
(36:49):
black market for underground Malheur merch. There have been a
few things made over the years, and so people do
want the swag. So I will attempt again to at
least have some T-shirts, some hats made. There was even
a legitimate discussion about launching a Malheur Plus product, which...
(37:11):
Began as a bet with J Scoop and may actually
become a thing. May become a thing because that's how
all great businesses begin. Someone makes a joke. It gets
mocked and ridiculed, mainly to poke fun at Wayne in Duluth.
And then somebody says, you know, people might actually pay
(37:33):
something for that. So we're still figuring out if we're
going to do Mahler Plus and what Mahler Plus would
be like. maybe insider information about how the show comes together,
behind-the-scenes material, extra P1 shows, special merch, that kind of stuff.
And perhaps, perhaps access to my private honey mustard rankings
(37:57):
with my buddy Kyle. It's premium content. So if you've
got ideas... You can email realfifthouratgmail.com, all letters, no numbers, realfifthouratgmail.com.
If you are interested in supporting a Malheur meet and
greet in your city, if that's something you want and
(38:18):
you can help us out on that, you can certainly
contact us and we will consider any and all offers
will be weighed based on the time, the logistics, the
financial situation, all of that stuff. But I am more
than open to going anywhere. I really want to see
everyone and everything I can before my time is up.
So I definitely want to get to all these places.
(38:39):
And finally, to everyone, and this is the most important part,
to everyone who did travel from near, far, or, you know,
my guy, Billy, who I was so happy to meet Billy. Billy,
a guy that has been calling the show for years.
He's lived all over the country. His dream is to
work in sports. And it was so great to put
(39:00):
a face to the voice. And, and he lived literally,
he said right down the street from the steak out
bar and grill. And so that that's about as close
as you can get. And so thank you to him
and to everyone else. Uh, you didn't have to show up,
you know, nobody charged you a ticket, but you, you got,
(39:21):
you got the free parking and not, not on the strip,
but with us and in Vegas, free parking alone is
a significant, perk, I believe. And you came because somehow
through all these many years of the ancient art of gasbaggery,
the strange, bizarre cult of the Malheur Militia on the overnight,
(39:46):
the radio fraternity, We do have a little community. It's
a dysfunctional community. We bust each other's balls. We bust
our chops, and we poke fun at each other. The
microphones are on. The gas bagging begins. You listen. We argue,
and we have a good time. And every once in
a while, we meet up on the second floor of
(40:07):
a bar in Vegas. We eat some questionable food. We
sing karaoke. We hand out hats. and exchange premium condiments.
That is the Mauler Militia, baby. And based on how
things went last Saturday, the wellness check, we're still alive.
We're loud. We're proud. We're still a bunch of wackadoodles.
(40:30):
And I love every wacky thing about this group. And
we are still in the air everywhere. And we will
chat with you later. Tomorrow, tomorrow, more tales from the
Naked City on the next edition of the Fifth Hour.
Enjoy the college football games tonight. I will be watching,
(40:54):
and we'll talk to you next time. As Dick and
Dayton would say, bye-bye.
Host
Ben Maller
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