February 21, 2026 • 30 mins
Ben Maller (produced by Danny G.) has a fun Saturday podcast for you! Ben talks: the Lost Episode, Social Experiment, & more!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kubbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
In the air everywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
The Fifth Hour would be Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
A Happy Saturday to you. It is early.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
We are recording this podcast for your consumption on demand
at a very odd hour here on this twenty first
day of February's the Olympics reached the crescendo this weekend,
and I think that's it right, tomorrow's last.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Nay, I'm correct on that. I believe I'm right at that.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
On this episode of The Fifth Hour we have the
Lost episode and the social Experiment.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
We'll start with this.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
So, as a person of a certain age have issues,
we all have issues. And there's a certain history of
working very odd hours overnight that has turned my internal
clock into a very odd painting with there's lots of
(01:33):
stuff going on. There's all kinds of oddities with my schedule.
It's part of the human condition when you work these hours,
and you likely to do as well. If you listen
to the Overnight Show live you're up late. You have
similar issues. So when you spend years and years talking
to truck drivers from Charleston, South Carolina to Walla Walla,
(01:56):
Washington at three in the morning or whatever it is,
your body eventually says, Okay, Ben will sleep for four
hours or five hours, and that's all you get, and
you're just gonna deal with it. Yeah, you can be
a little bit grumpy. It'll make you a better talk
show host. Grumpy talk show hosts or better talk shows.
(02:17):
So here I am. It is a random day. This week.
I have logged in my four and a half hours
or so of neurotic slumber. My right hand was getting
a workout, not a deep sleep, not a deep sleep.
I wake up and like, do I want to sleep more?
(02:39):
I don't think I can sleep more. My leg's hurting
a little bit. I need to get out of bed.
I'm a little groggy. I'm squinting at the light because
I pulled my sleep mask up and I'm squinting at
the light like a mole emerging from a hole in
the ground. Granted an expensive hole in the ground with
property taxes. And my wife, who has been working the
(03:01):
day shift, and so she's been gone as she happened
to be there. And she, of course a saint, Well
maybe not. I don't think you can be a saint
until till you die. So I candidate for canonization on
the path to sainthood.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
So she was off of working.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
We exchanged pleasantries, and I decided at that point it
was time for me to go out and face the world. Now,
when I say face the world, I mean that moment
where you have to get out of bed. You have
to exit the bed stage right, and I'm ready to
do it, at least in my head, in this make
(03:40):
believe case, I was ready to do it. So I
get out of bed. I stand up, because everyone has
to do that if they are able to. I take
two steps. I then opened the door. And then it's
not that I saw the light. I smelled the smell.
(04:00):
It was like I had been knocked over with a
punch a haymaker from Muhammad Ali in his prime. Have
you ever been asking, have you ever been to the
Kentucky State Fair on a Sunday evening.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Specifically, have you ever stood behind a honey wagon?
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Which I believe is the professional term, by the way,
the honey wagon cleaning, said Porta Potti, in ninety five
degree humidity, after people had been consuming all of the
various fried foods, barbecue, and whatever else they have at
the Kentucky State Fair and hadn't been cleaned since Friday. Now,
(04:47):
to be fair, I have not done that either, but
after this morning the other day, I feel like I've
earned the Boy Scout Merit badge for the honeywagon. I
believe that this was not just an odor. This was
a physical entity. It was an atmospheric event. All I
(05:12):
have is words here, but it was like if you
were to remake a Star Trek with my buddy Captain Kirk,
and this would be the episode titled Zero G Potty Odyssey,
the zero G Potty Odyssey. I was overwhelmed. I was
not just offended. I was attacked. At this point. I
(05:34):
was like, man, let me get COVID. I won't be
able to smell it. That'd be great. My sinus is retreated,
thinking that I might have had some kind of illness
or I should have had it. I mean, this was insane.
I started puking my mouth, which is less than ideal.
You don't necessarily want to puke in your mouth within
ten minutes after you've woken up.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
And I was convinced I was dreaming.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I was like, okay, you ever done that When you're
you get out of bed, something happens that.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Okay, this is not real.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
This is not reality. So I convinced myself that that
I was dreaming. And you know, you're still in the
Mallard bed in the Malor mansion. You're maybe you're dreaming,
but you don't really dream and I don't know what's
going on. So I thought this was all just an hallucination,
you know, a byproduct of the schedule, too many caffeine pills,
(06:26):
possibly a lack of fiber. So then I took a
couple steps back and I looked at the bed. I
still use a sleep number bed. They're not an advertiser anymore,
but I still use the sleep number bed.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
And I wasn't in it. I was not in it.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
I was standing in the hallway of what had become
overnight the lost episode of Shit's Creek. Here I was
sitting in the lost episode of Shits Creek. I'm looking around, like,
where is Eugene Levy? Where the f is Eugene Levy?
(07:02):
I know he's here somewhere.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Where is he? Where is he?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
You can't have the lost episode of Shit's Creek without
Eugene Levy. So slowly I did the walk of shame. Downstairs.
I was looking for what I was convinced was a
broken sewer pipe, and I thought, well, maybe not that.
Maybe it was a like a chemical spill. I don't
know that I had any chemicals to spill. I was
(07:28):
looking for answers. I needed an explanation. I was willing
to contact the Department of Energy. Maybe they knew something.
And I figured, well, my day will be spent on
the phone waiting for the people from Rodo Ruter to
come fix what was going on.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
But it wasn't a pipe. It was not a pipe.
It was it wasn't a human. It was Moxie, who.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Now, if you're new to these parts on the podcast,
Moxie is my pal. Moxie's the one that helped me
get the show ready and also is an English bulldog.
Now she is under normal circumstances, a majestic creature.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
You can just stare at Moxie be like, wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
She has the face of a very grumpy looking, sad
Victorian pugilist who's lost every fight, and the temperament of
a sleeping bear, just mellow and just wonderful. And however,
on this morning, Moxy was suffering from what can only
(08:35):
be described as the poop loop, not to be get
confused with the vomit comet, the poop loop. And there
were two giant mountains. When I opened my eyes and
I walked downstairs, there were two giant mountains.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
We'll call them evidence.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
And these things were the size and I don't want
to be too dramatic for the podcast, but these things
were the size of the Petrona's twin towers and Kuala Lumpur.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
You've see those things, those giant towers in Kuala Lumpar. Anyway,
they were not made of steel, they were not man made.
This was a scene right out of a horror movie.
Poopa Geddon, Poopa Geddon. And if that whack a doodle.
Stephen King up there in Maine wrote about canine Gastriel
(09:24):
intestinal problems. This would be the cover. This would be
the cover of his next horror horror book. It was foul,
It was repulsive. It was over the top, pungent. It
was a stench that I will not forget.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
I get. It was overwhelming.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
The entire house, the entire Malor mansion, a steaming dump
for the ages.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
It was the kind of smell.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
That doesn't just sit in the air. It is the air, right,
it unpacked, it's bags. It's like, hey, can I get
the Wi Fi password? I'm gonna be here a while.
And so I'm looking at this, and then I look
off to the right and there she was, the dog
of interest. Moxie sat right near the crime scene. She
(10:16):
gave me those sweet puppy dog guys as only an
English bulldog can do. You know, those those puppy dog
guys are just amazing. And I asked her, I said, Moxie, how.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Could you do this? Right? What happened? Hey? What led
to this?
Speaker 3 (10:31):
And unfortunately Moxie at that point chose to remain silent.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
She did not bark.
Speaker 3 (10:36):
She invoked her Miranda rights, She refused to incriminate herself.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
She just sat there looking at me with the look
of who me?
Speaker 3 (10:47):
She had that experience, Oh what do you me? Come on,
I'm just a sweet innocent bulldog. All I do is
fart and sleep. And there she was standing right next
to the biological hazard. This was not just your normal
dog pool. This was a hazmat situation. I had to
activate the MiB. The Mather Investigation operation was underway, the
(11:11):
Mouth Investigative Bureau, and I put on my metaphorical trench coat.
I had the kid grab the cleaning tools, preparing for
a tactical assault on the living room floor and also
in the kitchen. Now, as a reasonable investigator who watched
many episodes of the first forty eight, I knew that
(11:34):
Moxie did not act alone. This was not some kind
of lone wolf operation. A dog does not just produce
the poop loop out of thin air. There had to
be an accomplished. There had to be some kind of
criminal mastermind. And I began as a member of the MiB,
the Mather Investigator Bureau. I began interviewing witnesses and it
(11:59):
didn't take long for me to find out who was responsible.
As an accomplice, my wife, so I said, leaning against
the counter, trying not to gag as the smell was
still there. I told her, I said, listen, can you
explain to me again about that new diet that you
(12:20):
gave Moxie. Well, it turns out that in a fit
of trying to be health conscious, my dear old wife
decided that Moxie needed a new healthier diet with homemade foods.
You see, she had read on the interweb, the world
Wide Web, that this is important, and as we know,
(12:42):
the Internet is never wrong. It is never wrong. The Internet,
the Internet told her that bulldogs love pumpkin. Pumpkin's good
for them. I eat pumpkin. It's natural, It's what wolves
ate in the whild some kind of bull crap like that,
presumably right before they invented the pumpkin spice latte out
there for Starbucks. So she cooked up some ground beef,
(13:04):
not a little bit of ground beef, like five pounds
of ground beef. And then she found a can of pumpkin.
Not just a spoonful of pumpkin, no, she gave the dog,
but seemingly was an entire pumpkin. She fed the dog,
Moxie a Thanksgiving dinner for a family of twelve and
(13:27):
then somewhat surprised when nature took its course for a
Category five hurricane.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Now, listen, this is a teachable moment. You learn from
my in competence.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
You learn from the Malar mansions descent into a poopfest. So,
no matter how beautiful, how majestic, or how much your
bulldog looks like a wrinkled little angel dropped in from heaven,
do not, and I repeat this, do not feed it
an entire family size can a pumpkin.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Do not, I.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Repeat this, Do not give your dog pounds of ground
beef unless you want your house to smell like an
outhouse for the next forty eight hours. You keep the
squash away from the canine. Now, it took every window,
and not exaggerating every window in the house being opened.
(14:23):
It took fans. It took soapy bubbles scrub a dub dub.
It took a level of industrial strength for breeze that
probably damaged the ozone layer. I apologize in advanced Now. Slowly,
it took time the Malor mansion began to smell less
like a Kentucky State fair porta potty and more like
(14:47):
home again.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
So I'm going to be going on eBay at some.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Point later today, and I will try to find a
slightly used professional grade hazmat suit for the next time
that doggy dysentery kicks in and Moxie needs to enjoy
the poopy fest. So meanwhile, Moxie's not concerned. She's currently
(15:13):
napping off to my left. It appears she has no regrets.
She will not be facing any kind of criminal punishment
because she's in California, so crime is allowed.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And she is.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Now the goat of the poopy loopy. Yeah, the poop loop,
the poopy loopy, all right. Meanwhile, turning the pitch, it
is the Saturday Podcast. The Saturday Podcast, which means a
Life of malor update, Life.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Of malleor updates.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
So you know about my defining trauma of the week,
Moxie and the Towers of Pooh. The Towers of Pooh,
So I had some other drama. We talked a little
bit about this last weekend on this podcast in previous episodes.
It was the day my mic turned off. Yeah, well
(16:06):
it kind of did. Let me explain, so not metaphorically,
not emotionally mechanically. So last weekend the fifth hour podcast
on Saturday, So a week ago from today. Sounded like
it was recorded inside a thermis, a Stanley thermis that
(16:28):
had been rolled down a gravel driveway. That's what it sounds.
I mean, that's what I was told. Few the proud,
the Malard militia who listened to this, boots on the ground,
big names. There were celebrities, a lot of no names
who reached out to me. I say that with all
(16:48):
due respect. People reached out to me and they're like,
they acted like I had no idea what was going on.
They said, you know your podcast it was described as
rinky dink? Was the was the word is rinky dink.
One gentleman who did not sign his name had a
(17:11):
Gmail account, suggested that I was broadcasting from a couple
of ZIP codes away and then I, instead of a microphone,
I had a kazoo. Now I'm happy to report I
do not have a kazoo, so that is not reality.
Another correspondence asked if we had pivoted now to using
Civil War era audio technology.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Yes, the people at iHeart had decided that the podcast
needed to go old school and go back in time.
Reminds me of a story years ago when I was
doing stuff with the Dodgers. We were in Wrigley Field
playing the Cubs. It was a doubleheader because the game
had been canceled previously that year because some Dodger players
(17:56):
went into the crowd to get a hat back a
Cub fan had stolen a hat, and there was this
big melee and the.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Game they had to replay a game.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
It was a big mess anyway, that particular game, Fox
decided let's do a throwback broadcast of Major League Baseball.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Okay, sounds good. Why not?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
So they did the throwback thing and they ended up
showing part of the game in black and white because
they want to show how the original baseball broadcasts were
done in black and white. And so yes, we on
the podcast said we're not going to go black and white,
We'll go civil war audio, which I think is just
someone screaming.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I think just yelling. That's it. Now.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
I briefly considered framing that message. You know, it was
a social experiment. It was just a social experiment. This
was a loyalty test. As I often say, the point
of demarcation for those that consume this podcast, and that
would be you, you are a true p one. You have
(18:59):
gone out of your way to find a podcast that
is not available, it's not promoted. It's available, was obviously
not promoted mainstream like a lot of the big name podcasters.
You have to find it, you have to want to
listen to it. That is a that is a commitment.
You are true p one. Right, Let's see who the
real p ones are. Well, you're a real p one. However,
(19:22):
this was not some avant garde performance are. This was
the thing of a jig yet again, popping up the
thing of a jig. Now the thing of a jig,
an otherwise innocent piece of audio equipment, a cable, apparently
decided it needed attention.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
You see, there was a loose.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Wire that somehow disengaged from the remote studio microphone that then,
for some reason, and I don't know how this happened,
activated a backup microphone that I didn't even know I had, that,
judging by the acoustics of the product, was stationed somewhere
(20:00):
just south of Micronesia was where that backup microphone was,
and probably underwater, probably underwater. And as the overnight guy,
my entire career, my paycheck is built on a very
radical premise that when I speak into these microphones, you
(20:27):
can hear me. It's like a Verizon commercial. Can you
hear me now? Can you hear me now? So I
don't have lighting cues, I don't have people writing notes
for me and things like that, or you know often
during the overnight show, I have no one helping me
at all.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
You know, that's it. There's no wardrobe changes that you know.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
So I have a voice and a slightly aggressive opinion
about Sam Darnold, which has upset the Seahawk Marching in
Chowder society led by Nostradina and JJ and Rettin.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
And Crying Craig.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
So when the audio quality collapses, I collapse with it.
Right the microphone. I think it sensed fatigue.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I believe that.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Again, I'm recording these things at hours that are reserved
for conspiracy theorists and crackhead Bob. So it saw a
weakness sleep deprived dude, and said, this is my moment,
this is my moment, and equipment can smell weakness. There's
science behind that, not good science, but there's science about that.
(21:41):
And naturally, I woke up to an inbox that resembled
an angry town hall meeting, you know that city council
meeting where people are just wild. What kind of low
rent operation is? What do you hire a new staff
get a better mic microphone?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Ben sucks.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Now, I do enjoy the assumption that microphones are out there,
and it was clearly the microphone's fault fault, not the cable.
But you just go on the open market and I
can make a competitive free agent offer. I have enough
money under the salary cap, and I thought, as you know,
clearly I've been low balling those five star condenser microphones
and that's the problem. So anyway, we fixed it, meet
(22:29):
ball surgery. Now, when I say we fixed it, I
mean Danny G Radio. I said, Danny, figure this out,
who heroically cleaned up as best he could, which means
as good as all the rest the audio quality, likely
whispering very nasty affirmations, oh go at the equipment there
(22:52):
and cursing my name. And we believed that the crisis
was behind us. And then, because the universe enjoys symmetry,
the Original Recipe radio show had its own hiccup. Now,
if you were listening to the podcast on the Original Recipe,
not this podcast, the Original Recipe delivered a very dramatic
(23:16):
introduction to a caller, as I'm known to do, very
bold resident Shakespearean and then.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Nothing bupkus.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
And I learned this when I woke up. Listeners heard
me tee up a call and then nothing. Somewhere in
the mothership. This was not the remote studio. This was
not the remote studio. I was in the main studio.
Someone hit the do hickey, not the thing of a jig,
the do hickey, and I didn't even.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Know this was possible. I had no idea. However, I
now know it is. Well. I don't know exactly what
they did.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
They muted the caller's voices into the sound of silence.
That means I would say, hey, let's go to the
Redneck Rivira. Jed who Fled is on the Ben Mathers Show,
And then you had to figure out was Jed who
fled discussing crack, fentanyl or his love of Glenn Beck.
And then I go, Mike the Leprecaun, Hello, Mike the Leprecaun,
(24:16):
You're on the show. And then you say I can't
hear him. Maybe he's marinating in sunscreen or doing a
dad joke that got deleted. And then I go, let's
go to Minneapolis, Miniso Tuck. Can we say a little
hollering James, Sure there's James. Is he snoring or offering
commentary about Eric sleepy Floyd?
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I don't know. You couldn't hear it.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
It became the match game, the existential addition, fill in
the blank, imagine whatever you want the callers to say,
your own chaos. Now, keep in mind, did not discover
this until I woke up again to a digital mob
of torches and pitchforks and wanted to tar and feather
(24:59):
me in and me out of time. Now there is
something uniquely humbling about opening your eyes and immediately learning
you have failed sound. You've failed at sound. Now, I
would rather have this than what happened with Moxie. Just
for the record, I would rather wake up to this
than wake up to the smell I woke up to
(25:20):
as well. Now people ask why we don't do a
full video podcast. I've had people reach out to me
and say I'd like to watch the podcast. Why don't
we do a video thing like JT the Wingman, guys
like that. So there are cameras in the main studio.
Everything is recorded for YouTube. It's twenty twenty six. The
Ben Mather Show YouTube channel, and apparently faces are currency.
(25:42):
Here's the secret, though, and most people don't know this.
The percentage of those that watch podcasts.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Is not zero, but it's very low.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
That most people listen in the car or on the
treadmill while assembling furniture, questioning their existence doing the.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Honeydew List as well.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Now, there are some people in the industry that claim
that it's less than ten percent actually consume video podcast
less than ten percent, which means like ninety percent still
embrace theater of the mind, theater of the mind radio imagination.
If you're picturing Jed who fled, you can do it
(26:35):
however you choose.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
You can make Jed look like.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
A cookie monster, or you could make him look like
the burger Kin guy, or whoever you want. It's your choice.
It's your imagination. That's great, you can do what you
want with that. Now, video would require proper posture, lighting,
(27:02):
self awareness, all of those things, and to me, doing
the Overnight Show, self awareness is option.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
I just let it rip. I just let it rip now. Still,
I am not.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Dogmatic when it comes to this issue, and I am
more than willing to adapt. I believe that Darwinism is
true you must adapt or you will die.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
So I'm willing to adapt.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
If someone, let's say, I don't know from Netflix, showed
up at my door and had several bags of money,
money man and manny and said, hey, hey, Malard, let's
recreate that famous scene from the movie Dance Spider Dance,
(27:48):
I would say, Okay, you don't have to ask twice.
I will tap dance with enthusiasm. I believe principles are important.
I've talked about the Code of the West. I also
believe that paying your mortgage is more important, and that's
more important now until then. Until then, I will solely
(28:09):
remain in the audio business. Otherwise when outside of when
I'm forced to have the videos put up on YouTube
at the mothership. But a business, the audio business, that
is so fragile, so fragile that a single loose wire,
the thing of a jig can unravel it like a
(28:32):
sweater thread.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Pretty wild, you know.
Speaker 3 (28:35):
And we have artificial intelligence and self driving cars and
all this stuff, And on some level it is oddly
comforting that the greatest threat to my livelihood, my ability.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
To do my job is a rebellious.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
Cable cable, not a microphone, not a microphone, a cable right,
not war or not politics, not any of that, not
the stock.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Market going up or down. A mere microphone.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Who was having a bad day, or maybe it was
me not plugging the microphone in properly, but there you go.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
So that's it all right.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Listen, thank you, We got the mail bag tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Your questions are answers.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
You can listen whenever you want, email that Reel fifth
hour at gmail dot com, Real fifth hour at gmail
dot com, and we will have the mail bag for
you and all kinds of fun. Have a great rest
of your Saturday, or if you've already done everything you're
doing because you're listening to this whenever, I hope you had.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
A great Saturday. And if you listen on Sunday, have
a great Sunday or Tuesday or whenever. I don't care.
We'll have the mail bag for
Speaker 3 (29:54):
You on Sunday's edition and later skater aw stop pasta
vipolation
Kubbooms.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
In the air everywhere.
Speaker 3 (00:32):
The Fifth Hour would be Ben Mahler and Danny g Radio.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
A Happy Saturday to you. It is early.
Speaker 3 (00:39):
We are recording this podcast for your consumption on demand
at a very odd hour here on this twenty first
day of February's the Olympics reached the crescendo this weekend,
and I think that's it right, tomorrow's last.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Nay, I'm correct on that. I believe I'm right at that.
Speaker 3 (00:58):
On this episode of The Fifth Hour we have the
Lost episode and the social Experiment.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
We'll start with this.
Speaker 3 (01:08):
So, as a person of a certain age have issues,
we all have issues. And there's a certain history of
working very odd hours overnight that has turned my internal
clock into a very odd painting with there's lots of
(01:33):
stuff going on. There's all kinds of oddities with my schedule.
It's part of the human condition when you work these hours,
and you likely to do as well. If you listen
to the Overnight Show live you're up late. You have
similar issues. So when you spend years and years talking
to truck drivers from Charleston, South Carolina to Walla Walla,
(01:56):
Washington at three in the morning or whatever it is,
your body eventually says, Okay, Ben will sleep for four
hours or five hours, and that's all you get, and
you're just gonna deal with it. Yeah, you can be
a little bit grumpy. It'll make you a better talk
show host. Grumpy talk show hosts or better talk shows.
(02:17):
So here I am. It is a random day. This week.
I have logged in my four and a half hours
or so of neurotic slumber. My right hand was getting
a workout, not a deep sleep, not a deep sleep.
I wake up and like, do I want to sleep more?
(02:39):
I don't think I can sleep more. My leg's hurting
a little bit. I need to get out of bed.
I'm a little groggy. I'm squinting at the light because
I pulled my sleep mask up and I'm squinting at
the light like a mole emerging from a hole in
the ground. Granted an expensive hole in the ground with
property taxes. And my wife, who has been working the
(03:01):
day shift, and so she's been gone as she happened
to be there. And she, of course a saint, Well
maybe not. I don't think you can be a saint
until till you die. So I candidate for canonization on
the path to sainthood.
Speaker 1 (03:18):
So she was off of working.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
We exchanged pleasantries, and I decided at that point it
was time for me to go out and face the world. Now,
when I say face the world, I mean that moment
where you have to get out of bed. You have
to exit the bed stage right, and I'm ready to
do it, at least in my head, in this make
(03:40):
believe case, I was ready to do it. So I
get out of bed. I stand up, because everyone has
to do that if they are able to. I take
two steps. I then opened the door. And then it's
not that I saw the light. I smelled the smell.
(04:00):
It was like I had been knocked over with a
punch a haymaker from Muhammad Ali in his prime. Have
you ever been asking, have you ever been to the
Kentucky State Fair on a Sunday evening.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Specifically, have you ever stood behind a honey wagon?
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Which I believe is the professional term, by the way,
the honey wagon cleaning, said Porta Potti, in ninety five
degree humidity, after people had been consuming all of the
various fried foods, barbecue, and whatever else they have at
the Kentucky State Fair and hadn't been cleaned since Friday. Now,
(04:47):
to be fair, I have not done that either, but
after this morning the other day, I feel like I've
earned the Boy Scout Merit badge for the honeywagon. I
believe that this was not just an odor. This was
a physical entity. It was an atmospheric event. All I
(05:12):
have is words here, but it was like if you
were to remake a Star Trek with my buddy Captain Kirk,
and this would be the episode titled Zero G Potty Odyssey,
the zero G Potty Odyssey. I was overwhelmed. I was
not just offended. I was attacked. At this point. I
(05:34):
was like, man, let me get COVID. I won't be
able to smell it. That'd be great. My sinus is retreated,
thinking that I might have had some kind of illness
or I should have had it. I mean, this was insane.
I started puking my mouth, which is less than ideal.
You don't necessarily want to puke in your mouth within
ten minutes after you've woken up.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
And I was convinced I was dreaming.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I was like, okay, you ever done that When you're
you get out of bed, something happens that.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Okay, this is not real.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
This is not reality. So I convinced myself that that
I was dreaming. And you know, you're still in the
Mallard bed in the Malor mansion. You're maybe you're dreaming,
but you don't really dream and I don't know what's
going on. So I thought this was all just an hallucination,
you know, a byproduct of the schedule, too many caffeine pills,
(06:26):
possibly a lack of fiber. So then I took a
couple steps back and I looked at the bed. I
still use a sleep number bed. They're not an advertiser anymore,
but I still use the sleep number bed.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
And I wasn't in it. I was not in it.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
I was standing in the hallway of what had become
overnight the lost episode of Shit's Creek. Here I was
sitting in the lost episode of Shits Creek. I'm looking around, like,
where is Eugene Levy? Where the f is Eugene Levy?
(07:02):
I know he's here somewhere.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Where is he? Where is he?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
You can't have the lost episode of Shit's Creek without
Eugene Levy. So slowly I did the walk of shame. Downstairs.
I was looking for what I was convinced was a
broken sewer pipe, and I thought, well, maybe not that.
Maybe it was a like a chemical spill. I don't
know that I had any chemicals to spill. I was
(07:28):
looking for answers. I needed an explanation. I was willing
to contact the Department of Energy. Maybe they knew something.
And I figured, well, my day will be spent on
the phone waiting for the people from Rodo Ruter to
come fix what was going on.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
But it wasn't a pipe. It was not a pipe.
It was it wasn't a human. It was Moxie, who.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
Now, if you're new to these parts on the podcast,
Moxie is my pal. Moxie's the one that helped me
get the show ready and also is an English bulldog.
Now she is under normal circumstances, a majestic creature.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
You can just stare at Moxie be like, wow, that's crazy.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
She has the face of a very grumpy looking, sad
Victorian pugilist who's lost every fight, and the temperament of
a sleeping bear, just mellow and just wonderful. And however,
on this morning, Moxy was suffering from what can only
(08:35):
be described as the poop loop, not to be get
confused with the vomit comet, the poop loop. And there
were two giant mountains. When I opened my eyes and
I walked downstairs, there were two giant mountains.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
We'll call them evidence.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
And these things were the size and I don't want
to be too dramatic for the podcast, but these things
were the size of the Petrona's twin towers and Kuala Lumpur.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3 (09:02):
You've see those things, those giant towers in Kuala Lumpar. Anyway,
they were not made of steel, they were not man made.
This was a scene right out of a horror movie.
Poopa Geddon, Poopa Geddon. And if that whack a doodle.
Stephen King up there in Maine wrote about canine Gastriel
(09:24):
intestinal problems. This would be the cover. This would be
the cover of his next horror horror book. It was foul,
It was repulsive. It was over the top, pungent. It
was a stench that I will not forget.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
I get. It was overwhelming.
Speaker 3 (09:45):
The entire house, the entire Malor mansion, a steaming dump
for the ages.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
It was the kind of smell.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
That doesn't just sit in the air. It is the air, right,
it unpacked, it's bags. It's like, hey, can I get
the Wi Fi password? I'm gonna be here a while.
And so I'm looking at this, and then I look
off to the right and there she was, the dog
of interest. Moxie sat right near the crime scene. She
(10:16):
gave me those sweet puppy dog guys as only an
English bulldog can do. You know, those those puppy dog
guys are just amazing. And I asked her, I said, Moxie, how.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Could you do this? Right? What happened? Hey? What led
to this?
Speaker 3 (10:31):
And unfortunately Moxie at that point chose to remain silent.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
She did not bark.
Speaker 3 (10:36):
She invoked her Miranda rights, She refused to incriminate herself.
Speaker 1 (10:41):
She just sat there looking at me with the look
of who me?
Speaker 3 (10:47):
She had that experience, Oh what do you me? Come on,
I'm just a sweet innocent bulldog. All I do is
fart and sleep. And there she was standing right next
to the biological hazard. This was not just your normal
dog pool. This was a hazmat situation. I had to
activate the MiB. The Mather Investigation operation was underway, the
(11:11):
Mouth Investigative Bureau, and I put on my metaphorical trench coat.
I had the kid grab the cleaning tools, preparing for
a tactical assault on the living room floor and also
in the kitchen. Now, as a reasonable investigator who watched
many episodes of the first forty eight, I knew that
(11:34):
Moxie did not act alone. This was not some kind
of lone wolf operation. A dog does not just produce
the poop loop out of thin air. There had to
be an accomplished. There had to be some kind of
criminal mastermind. And I began as a member of the MiB,
the Mather Investigator Bureau. I began interviewing witnesses and it
(11:59):
didn't take long for me to find out who was responsible.
As an accomplice, my wife, so I said, leaning against
the counter, trying not to gag as the smell was
still there. I told her, I said, listen, can you
explain to me again about that new diet that you
(12:20):
gave Moxie. Well, it turns out that in a fit
of trying to be health conscious, my dear old wife
decided that Moxie needed a new healthier diet with homemade foods.
You see, she had read on the interweb, the world
Wide Web, that this is important, and as we know,
(12:42):
the Internet is never wrong. It is never wrong. The Internet,
the Internet told her that bulldogs love pumpkin. Pumpkin's good
for them. I eat pumpkin. It's natural, It's what wolves
ate in the whild some kind of bull crap like that,
presumably right before they invented the pumpkin spice latte out
there for Starbucks. So she cooked up some ground beef,
(13:04):
not a little bit of ground beef, like five pounds
of ground beef. And then she found a can of pumpkin.
Not just a spoonful of pumpkin, no, she gave the dog,
but seemingly was an entire pumpkin. She fed the dog,
Moxie a Thanksgiving dinner for a family of twelve and
(13:27):
then somewhat surprised when nature took its course for a
Category five hurricane.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
Now, listen, this is a teachable moment. You learn from
my in competence.
Speaker 3 (13:38):
You learn from the Malar mansions descent into a poopfest. So,
no matter how beautiful, how majestic, or how much your
bulldog looks like a wrinkled little angel dropped in from heaven,
do not, and I repeat this, do not feed it
an entire family size can a pumpkin.
Speaker 1 (14:01):
Do not, I.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
Repeat this, Do not give your dog pounds of ground
beef unless you want your house to smell like an
outhouse for the next forty eight hours. You keep the
squash away from the canine. Now, it took every window,
and not exaggerating every window in the house being opened.
(14:23):
It took fans. It took soapy bubbles scrub a dub dub.
It took a level of industrial strength for breeze that
probably damaged the ozone layer. I apologize in advanced Now. Slowly,
it took time the Malor mansion began to smell less
like a Kentucky State fair porta potty and more like
(14:47):
home again.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
So I'm going to be going on eBay at some.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Point later today, and I will try to find a
slightly used professional grade hazmat suit for the next time
that doggy dysentery kicks in and Moxie needs to enjoy
the poopy fest. So meanwhile, Moxie's not concerned. She's currently
(15:13):
napping off to my left. It appears she has no regrets.
She will not be facing any kind of criminal punishment
because she's in California, so crime is allowed.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And she is.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
Now the goat of the poopy loopy. Yeah, the poop loop,
the poopy loopy, all right. Meanwhile, turning the pitch, it
is the Saturday Podcast. The Saturday Podcast, which means a
Life of malor update, Life.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
Of malleor updates.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
So you know about my defining trauma of the week,
Moxie and the Towers of Pooh. The Towers of Pooh,
So I had some other drama. We talked a little
bit about this last weekend on this podcast in previous episodes.
It was the day my mic turned off. Yeah, well
(16:06):
it kind of did. Let me explain, so not metaphorically,
not emotionally mechanically. So last weekend the fifth hour podcast
on Saturday, So a week ago from today. Sounded like
it was recorded inside a thermis, a Stanley thermis that
(16:28):
had been rolled down a gravel driveway. That's what it sounds.
I mean, that's what I was told. Few the proud,
the Malard militia who listened to this, boots on the ground,
big names. There were celebrities, a lot of no names
who reached out to me. I say that with all
(16:48):
due respect. People reached out to me and they're like,
they acted like I had no idea what was going on.
They said, you know your podcast it was described as
rinky dink? Was the was the word is rinky dink.
One gentleman who did not sign his name had a
(17:11):
Gmail account, suggested that I was broadcasting from a couple
of ZIP codes away and then I, instead of a microphone,
I had a kazoo. Now I'm happy to report I
do not have a kazoo, so that is not reality.
Another correspondence asked if we had pivoted now to using
Civil War era audio technology.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Yes, the people at iHeart had decided that the podcast
needed to go old school and go back in time.
Reminds me of a story years ago when I was
doing stuff with the Dodgers. We were in Wrigley Field
playing the Cubs. It was a doubleheader because the game
had been canceled previously that year because some Dodger players
(17:56):
went into the crowd to get a hat back a
Cub fan had stolen a hat, and there was this
big melee and the.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Game they had to replay a game.
Speaker 3 (18:04):
It was a big mess anyway, that particular game, Fox
decided let's do a throwback broadcast of Major League Baseball.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Okay, sounds good. Why not?
Speaker 3 (18:17):
So they did the throwback thing and they ended up
showing part of the game in black and white because
they want to show how the original baseball broadcasts were
done in black and white. And so yes, we on
the podcast said we're not going to go black and white,
We'll go civil war audio, which I think is just
someone screaming.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I think just yelling. That's it. Now.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
I briefly considered framing that message. You know, it was
a social experiment. It was just a social experiment. This
was a loyalty test. As I often say, the point
of demarcation for those that consume this podcast, and that
would be you, you are a true p one. You have
(18:59):
gone out of your way to find a podcast that
is not available, it's not promoted. It's available, was obviously
not promoted mainstream like a lot of the big name podcasters.
You have to find it, you have to want to
listen to it. That is a that is a commitment.
You are true p one. Right, Let's see who the
real p ones are. Well, you're a real p one. However,
(19:22):
this was not some avant garde performance are. This was
the thing of a jig yet again, popping up the
thing of a jig. Now the thing of a jig,
an otherwise innocent piece of audio equipment, a cable, apparently
decided it needed attention.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
You see, there was a loose.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Wire that somehow disengaged from the remote studio microphone that then,
for some reason, and I don't know how this happened,
activated a backup microphone that I didn't even know I had, that,
judging by the acoustics of the product, was stationed somewhere
(20:00):
just south of Micronesia was where that backup microphone was,
and probably underwater, probably underwater. And as the overnight guy,
my entire career, my paycheck is built on a very
radical premise that when I speak into these microphones, you
(20:27):
can hear me. It's like a Verizon commercial. Can you
hear me now? Can you hear me now? So I
don't have lighting cues, I don't have people writing notes
for me and things like that, or you know often
during the overnight show, I have no one helping me
at all.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
You know, that's it. There's no wardrobe changes that you know.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
So I have a voice and a slightly aggressive opinion
about Sam Darnold, which has upset the Seahawk Marching in
Chowder society led by Nostradina and JJ and Rettin.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
And Crying Craig.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
So when the audio quality collapses, I collapse with it.
Right the microphone. I think it sensed fatigue.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I believe that.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Again, I'm recording these things at hours that are reserved
for conspiracy theorists and crackhead Bob. So it saw a
weakness sleep deprived dude, and said, this is my moment,
this is my moment, and equipment can smell weakness. There's
science behind that, not good science, but there's science about that.
(21:41):
And naturally, I woke up to an inbox that resembled
an angry town hall meeting, you know that city council
meeting where people are just wild. What kind of low
rent operation is? What do you hire a new staff
get a better mic microphone?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Ben sucks.
Speaker 3 (22:03):
Now, I do enjoy the assumption that microphones are out there,
and it was clearly the microphone's fault fault, not the cable.
But you just go on the open market and I
can make a competitive free agent offer. I have enough
money under the salary cap, and I thought, as you know,
clearly I've been low balling those five star condenser microphones
and that's the problem. So anyway, we fixed it, meet
(22:29):
ball surgery. Now, when I say we fixed it, I
mean Danny G Radio. I said, Danny, figure this out,
who heroically cleaned up as best he could, which means
as good as all the rest the audio quality, likely
whispering very nasty affirmations, oh go at the equipment there
(22:52):
and cursing my name. And we believed that the crisis
was behind us. And then, because the universe enjoys symmetry,
the Original Recipe radio show had its own hiccup. Now,
if you were listening to the podcast on the Original Recipe,
not this podcast, the Original Recipe delivered a very dramatic
(23:16):
introduction to a caller, as I'm known to do, very
bold resident Shakespearean and then.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Nothing bupkus.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
And I learned this when I woke up. Listeners heard
me tee up a call and then nothing. Somewhere in
the mothership. This was not the remote studio. This was
not the remote studio. I was in the main studio.
Someone hit the do hickey, not the thing of a jig,
the do hickey, and I didn't even.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Know this was possible. I had no idea. However, I
now know it is. Well. I don't know exactly what
they did.
Speaker 3 (23:53):
They muted the caller's voices into the sound of silence.
That means I would say, hey, let's go to the
Redneck Rivira. Jed who Fled is on the Ben Mathers Show,
And then you had to figure out was Jed who
fled discussing crack, fentanyl or his love of Glenn Beck.
And then I go, Mike the Leprecaun, Hello, Mike the Leprecaun,
(24:16):
You're on the show. And then you say I can't
hear him. Maybe he's marinating in sunscreen or doing a
dad joke that got deleted. And then I go, let's
go to Minneapolis, Miniso Tuck. Can we say a little
hollering James, Sure there's James. Is he snoring or offering
commentary about Eric sleepy Floyd?
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I don't know. You couldn't hear it.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
It became the match game, the existential addition, fill in
the blank, imagine whatever you want the callers to say,
your own chaos. Now, keep in mind, did not discover
this until I woke up again to a digital mob
of torches and pitchforks and wanted to tar and feather
(24:59):
me in and me out of time. Now there is
something uniquely humbling about opening your eyes and immediately learning
you have failed sound. You've failed at sound. Now, I
would rather have this than what happened with Moxie. Just
for the record, I would rather wake up to this
than wake up to the smell I woke up to
(25:20):
as well. Now people ask why we don't do a
full video podcast. I've had people reach out to me
and say I'd like to watch the podcast. Why don't
we do a video thing like JT the Wingman, guys
like that. So there are cameras in the main studio.
Everything is recorded for YouTube. It's twenty twenty six. The
Ben Mather Show YouTube channel, and apparently faces are currency.
(25:42):
Here's the secret, though, and most people don't know this.
The percentage of those that watch podcasts.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
Is not zero, but it's very low.
Speaker 3 (25:56):
That most people listen in the car or on the
treadmill while assembling furniture, questioning their existence doing the.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Honeydew List as well.
Speaker 3 (26:09):
Now, there are some people in the industry that claim
that it's less than ten percent actually consume video podcast
less than ten percent, which means like ninety percent still
embrace theater of the mind, theater of the mind radio imagination.
If you're picturing Jed who fled, you can do it
(26:35):
however you choose.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
You can make Jed look like.
Speaker 3 (26:39):
A cookie monster, or you could make him look like
the burger Kin guy, or whoever you want. It's your choice.
It's your imagination. That's great, you can do what you
want with that. Now, video would require proper posture, lighting,
(27:02):
self awareness, all of those things, and to me, doing
the Overnight Show, self awareness is option.
Speaker 1 (27:10):
I just let it rip. I just let it rip now. Still,
I am not.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Dogmatic when it comes to this issue, and I am
more than willing to adapt. I believe that Darwinism is
true you must adapt or you will die.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
So I'm willing to adapt.
Speaker 3 (27:27):
If someone, let's say, I don't know from Netflix, showed
up at my door and had several bags of money,
money man and manny and said, hey, hey, Malard, let's
recreate that famous scene from the movie Dance Spider Dance,
(27:48):
I would say, Okay, you don't have to ask twice.
I will tap dance with enthusiasm. I believe principles are important.
I've talked about the Code of the West. I also
believe that paying your mortgage is more important, and that's
more important now until then. Until then, I will solely
(28:09):
remain in the audio business. Otherwise when outside of when
I'm forced to have the videos put up on YouTube
at the mothership. But a business, the audio business, that
is so fragile, so fragile that a single loose wire,
the thing of a jig can unravel it like a
(28:32):
sweater thread.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Pretty wild, you know.
Speaker 3 (28:35):
And we have artificial intelligence and self driving cars and
all this stuff, And on some level it is oddly
comforting that the greatest threat to my livelihood, my ability.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
To do my job is a rebellious.
Speaker 3 (28:53):
Cable cable, not a microphone, not a microphone, a cable right,
not war or not politics, not any of that, not
the stock.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Market going up or down. A mere microphone.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Who was having a bad day, or maybe it was
me not plugging the microphone in properly, but there you go.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
So that's it all right.
Speaker 3 (29:22):
Listen, thank you, We got the mail bag tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Your questions are answers.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
You can listen whenever you want, email that Reel fifth
hour at gmail dot com, Real fifth hour at gmail
dot com, and we will have the mail bag for
you and all kinds of fun. Have a great rest
of your Saturday, or if you've already done everything you're
doing because you're listening to this whenever, I hope you had.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
A great Saturday. And if you listen on Sunday, have
a great Sunday or Tuesday or whenever. I don't care.
We'll have the mail bag for
Speaker 3 (29:54):
You on Sunday's edition and later skater aw stop pasta
vipolation
Host
Ben Maller
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