August 22, 2026 • 37 mins
Ben spills the exclusive details of his long-overdue power lunch with former radio sidekick Eddie Garcia — the who, what, where, when and why of the whole operation. It required the Army Corps of Engineers, some highly questionable Maller Math and enough travel to qualify as a Lewis & Clark expedition. The destination? The Tabernacle of the Chicken Finger, where Benny reveals exactly how much power 25+ years at Fox Sports Radio gets you. Spoiler: not much. Plus, we workshop the first-ever Milky Way NFL Draft featuring the Grays, Nordics, Insectoids and Reptilians. Which alien species goes No. 1 overall, and naturally, how do the Browns screw it up? Then it's Tooth Fairy economics: Santa Claus' overnight-working younger sibling has been collecting chompers for generations — but just how many teeth can the Tooth Fairy theoretically harvest from one kid? We crunch the numbers on that brain buster and more in this completely unnecessary, yet somehow must-listen edition of the Fifth Hour.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Kaboom boom.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, the Clearinghouse of
hot takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
In the air, amywhere the Fifth Hour with me Ben
Mahlor and you are you and we are together on
this early Saturday as we are recording this year and
back at it has some exhibition games. Somehow the Steelers
got shut out by the Jets. I am not going
(00:50):
to do a sporty Mallard monologue. That is not going
to happen. I did want to mention before I get
into the meat of the Saturday podcast if I had
been on on the radio last night. I did see
the commentary of one Stan cast in Longtime Sports Executive
(01:11):
regarding the status of the doyerses the status of the Dodgers,
and I saw that, I said, well, that would have
been red meat. That would have absolutely been red meat.
Had I had a microphone in my hand. On the
overnight show would have been ranting and raving, the Dodgers
returning home, and the Dodger President Stan Casten desperately denying
(01:36):
the franchises for sale, saying the Dodgers are not being sold.
They're not for sale. There's no process that has been
started to sell it. Period. Okay, so here's the problem.
There's three scenarios here for the Dodgers, and I'm not
going to go off on a tangent here. There's just
three scenarios for the Dodgers. There's one scenario where Mark
(01:59):
Walter ends up not being able to pay the amount
of tax dollars he owes the federal government. And under
that scenario, he has to sell the Dodgers because he'll
end up going to jail. Now it's rich people jail,
but it's still jail. That scenario number one. Scenario number
two is he has to sell everything, keeps the Dodgers. However,
(02:26):
the shell game is over. He will not be able
to do what he's been doing financially because he will
have nothing left having paid the tax bill to the government.
And therefore the Dodgers are going to have to be
run like every other team in baseball, and they're not
going to be able to get the top player every
year in free agency. And then the third scenario is
the Saudi Wealth Fund comes in and pays off the
(02:49):
federal government and then it's business as usual for the Dodgers.
They'll they'll just be holding to their sugar daddy who
helped pay the tax bill. So those are the three scenarios.
And it does even matter whether the Dodgers are for
sale today. As we saw, if you believe the reporting,
the Lakers were not for sale, and within three days
(03:10):
they were sold. So it's irrelevant if you say, listen,
the Dodgers are not being sold, they're not for sale.
There's no process, blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. You know,
you can publicly declare they're not for sale. The Lakers
were not for sale, Okay, they were not, And there's
enough smoke around the Dodgers' ownership where this is a
(03:31):
legitimate possibility. All right. That being said, this is not
a sporty podcast. On this edition, the Saturday special of
the fifth Hour, the extra crispy add on item off
the secret menu, we have bring in the Army Corps
of Engineers and the Milky Way. But on this two
(03:52):
hundred and thirty fourth day of the other are one
hundred and thirty one days left. We begin with a
reunion that was long overdue. Now, as you may have
seen on the various Ben Maler Show social media accounts
on Instagram, Facebook, and x and whatever other electronic bulletin
board we are required to feed with content, I spent
(04:16):
part of my day on Friday at a power lunch
with the man, the myth, the legend, the one and
only Edmund Dallas steamboat Willie Garcia, my longtime radio pal,
more than twenty years together at Fox Sports Radio, a
(04:36):
lot of those on the overnight before Eddie was unfortunately
excommunicated in November of twenty twenty four, as I got
off a plane on a Monday from Kansas City after
a great weekend after a game at Arrowhead and then
got the news. So a long time Eddie was at
Fox Sports Radio for twenty one years. So it was
(04:58):
over twenty years we were together. And just to put
that in perspective, do you understand how long twenty years
is in radio? Most radio jobs last about as long
as the free trial on a streaming service So what
I did is I used Moxie as my reference, my
dog Moxie, and so in Moxie years aka dog years,
(05:20):
that means we work together for seventy nine years. Seventy
nine years in dog years, Eddie and I lasted through
multiple presidents, several economic crisis, the pandemic of twenty twenty
twenty twenty one, the death of Kobe Bryant, and so
many other legends, the Red Sox ending, the curse of
(05:43):
the Bambino, the Cubs ending the curse of the Billy Goat,
the invention of the iPhone, and approximately forty seven different
management philosophies and consultants at Fox Sports Radio. I'm just saying,
twenty years in radio and we still look shop whenever
somebody comes up to us. As you know, I listen
to your show. Really, are you serious now? Since Eddie
(06:07):
was excommunicated, decommissioned, however you want to say it from
Fox Sports Radio, He's an active duty member or active
dues paying member of the Fox Sports Radio Alumni Association,
and we have bumped into each other often during football season,
the Charger games at SOFI. The Chargers played an exhibition
(06:28):
game the other day and I was not there. Eddie
did go. He was not real happy about it. He
didn't I want to go to exhibition games. But he
was at Sofi. When I'm at Sofi, I'm working. Those
are to me their workplace adjacent encounters because I got
to get ready for the show, and so it's not
(06:48):
just downtime. You're standing around a stadium of thousands of people.
Somebody's yelling, there's a kickoff coming, there's a smell of
spilled beer and nachos in the air everywhere, and you
exchange pleasantries. You exchange pleasantries and then disappear somewhere in
to that concrete mosaic. This was different. This was lunch,
(07:13):
a lunch, a formal lunch, a power lunch, as formal
as a lunch can be. When you're eating chicken fingers
out of basket and there's some plastic on it and
I'm not plastic, I guess paper wrap in the basket.
So it started because I was making the long expedition
from the North Woods into the Fox Sports Radio studios
(07:36):
southern California. Driving is not really transportation. If you've ever
been to La or you live in La, you know this.
It is more of an endurance sport. You don't really
commute when you live in the LA area. You explore
You're Lewis and Clark with the ways app the four
h five, I try to avoid it all costs, very angry,
the five emotionally unavailable. The ninety one would like you
(08:00):
to die, and it would like to send you to
your demise. And then there's all these others, the fifty seven,
the fifty five, the one eighteen, the one oh one,
the twenty two. It's just nothing but numbers. So I
had called Eddie, I'm not gonna lie. I was trying
to kill some time. I got a long commute, and
(08:21):
we started talking about our buddy, Jake Warner of Stay
Awake with Jake Fame. If you've been with the show
a long time, you might know that name. Jake's been
gone for a very long amount of time from our show.
He quit long ago, and we love Jake. He's bounced
around the radio world and he recently got married, and
so we talked about that, and then we wandered into
(08:46):
mutual friends, other mutual friends, radio people, old Fox alumni people.
Where are they at now? Did you know so and
so is doing a political show? In Virginia, really, I
know you. Yeah. Then our other buddy, he's in he's
in Florida. He's doing sports talk. He's doing the afternoon Drift.
Is that right, he's doing afternoon Drift. Yeah, he's doing
afternoon Drift. That's where good? Oh yeah, Tony Bruno, he's
retired now, but he still comes back and does radio
(09:07):
in Philadelphia. So Tony's still doing his thing. Oh, yes,
that's right, Yeah for sure. What about Clay Travis, Well,
Clay just made a gazillion dollar selling something to Fox. Well,
good for him, way to go. What about Steve and
A He's still making more than any of us combined,
all of us combined ADESPN. So yeah, we're just talking
about that assorted characters that we've collected, mutual characters in
our lives over the years. And I thought, what are
(09:30):
we doing here? Why don't we actually have a meal.
So I set this up for Friday, one of my
two sacred days away from the circus, away from the
big Top on overnight radio, and so we set it up. Now,
there was one problem, actually it's more than one problem,
but the one main problem is that Eddie lives nowhere
(09:52):
near me in southern California. Nowhere near me can mean
a mere seventeen miles, which who might not seem like
it's that far. However, when it takes you four hours
to circumnavigate the highways and byways, you realize, you know,
it's eight hours in the car. I don't know that
(10:12):
I want to do that. I mean, I know I
have a charm life, and I just get to as
long as I play nice in the sandbox, I get
to talk about sports. The struggle is real, and so
modern technology was summoned. We needed the geographic midpoint between
Casa Garcia and the Malar Mansion, and this required Malar math,
(10:38):
satellite technology, and possibly the Army Corps of Engineers. We
seriously thought, why don't we bring in the Army Corps
of Engineers? And where did Destiny send us raising canes
the tabernacle of the chicken finger l perfecto. Nothing says
(10:58):
power lunch with a couple old radio guys like just
hanging out dipping fried poultry and cane sauce, reminiscing about
the four monologue on Ichiro Suzuki's Mariners and then realizing, oh,
by the way, twenty oh four is the year that
Victor Wembanyama was born. The Parisian prodigy is doing pretty
(11:21):
well for himself in the Alamo, and you go, holy crackers, Batman,
Wait a minute, we were doing a show in four
and now, all these years later, this is happening. Nothing
ages you faster than discovering a professional athlete was born
during a radio segment you vividly remember doing right away.
(11:46):
Right away though, the magic returned, because here's something nobody
warns you about getting older. When you catch up with
an old friend, in this case Eddie Garcia, eventually the
conversation becomes an injury report. It's kind of like an
Andy Reid comes out at a chiefs press conference. Yeah,
(12:06):
we got so and so he's in the trainer's room
right now. We're not sure how bad he's doing. And
then you know, Joejoe is out for a little while.
So you start saying, who's sick, who's died since the
last time we talked, who's got the creeping crud? Well,
Joe Schmo, he's got the gobbledy goog gobbledy gook. That
doesn't sound very good. Yeah, yeah, well so so and
(12:28):
so there's something wrong with his thing of a jig,
the thing of a jig. Yeah, the thing of a
jig's not really working the way it's supposed to be. Well,
there's a pill for that. Okay. Remember the guy with
the watching McCall it. Oh yeah, the guy, Yeah, he
worked at Fox Sports Radio for a little bit. Well,
apparently his do hickey mixing with the watch of McCall it,
and it's not working anymore. So you're telling me the
watch McCall it and the do hickey are tied together
(12:50):
and they're not working anymore. Yeah, that apparently is what happened.
Is that right? Yeah? I think so. So middle aged
or thereabouts, You know, it's all that's fun when people
say middle age, because you really don't know how long
you're gonna live. You don't know for sure. You know,
you like to think you got a good eighty and
yet you might check out early. Maybe you get a
little bonus time after that. Who knows. But middle aged
(13:14):
with a couple of friends you meet for lunch. And
I used to see my relatives when I was younger
doing this and I always thought, Man, they must be
so frickin' bored. What do they talk about? God? What
a nightmare? And now I'm that person, right, your two
people who've known each other for a long time. You
spend forty five minutes explaining how wonderfully you're doing, while
simultaneously cataloging every medical catastrophe in your contact list on
(13:39):
your phone. Oh yeah, I'm doing great, fantastic, never been better,
never been better. Did you hear about Bob Spleen? Yeah,
it exploded, curvefluey, just like that. Then you have some fries,
You have some fry, you get at ketch up, dip
the fries and the ketchup. This is friendship after a
certain age. Now. We also talked ray because we're radio guys,
(14:02):
and that was considerably less uplifting than talking about the
thing of a jig, the what you might call it,
and the do hickey and the gobbledgook that we're not working,
considerably less uplifting. We discussed the state of the radio business.
We talked about what the radio business was like when
we started. It's always fun if you enjoy recreational depression.
(14:25):
Good time, good f in time. Let me sip my lemonade.
I'll be right back now. Radio people discussing the future
of radio is akin to dinosaurs holding a seminar on
asteroid preparedness. Well, you really don't need to prepare for
an asteroid. Yeah, you know why exactly. Yes. So we
talked about Eddi's podcast. He's doing a lot of hockey stuff.
(14:47):
He's doing a daily hockey podcast. He's very tied in
with the La Kings, his plans for the football season,
going to Charger games, traveling around the globe, and all
of those things. All of those things again, his wife Karen,
who's been a big friend of the show, and she's
a great woman. Love talking to Karen. Haven't seen her
(15:09):
in a long time. Again, all the mutual friends. Just
the normal stuff, the normal stuff of life. Me and
Eddie Garcia. We talked about that and it was just
good being around Eddie again. And I do hope. I
have a dream that someday Eddie will come back to
Fox Sports Radio. I would absolutely love that. I think
he would love it as well, and the company should
bring him back. Of course, this is well above my
(15:31):
pay grade, and this is my opinion. They can do
whatever they want. If it was my call, Eddie would
have never been poll axed in the first place, despite
popular opinion. And I get emails and I'm sure I'm
gonna get a ton I just posted the photo yesterday
afternoon evening and I haven't checked my inbox yet. I'm
imagining I'm getting a bunch of messages. Well, you should
(15:54):
have taken a pay cut to keep Eddie. You're the
reason that Eddie's not there. Yeah, despite popular opinion, my
authority at Fox Sports Radio. Here's what it extends, roughly
to deciding whether I want ice in my water? Do
I want water without ice or ice with the water.
That's my power, that's it. That's all. Still, it would
(16:16):
be great having Eddie back in the building, and I
hope that happens sooner than later. Now, we spend a
lot of time reminiscing about the old days, the callers,
the bigger than life characters that made the Overnight's what
they've become over the years, the absolute lunatics who have
been part of the fabric of the show and our
(16:37):
daily lives. And these are people we talk to every day.
We've become friends with them, me and Eddie over the years,
on and off the air. Sirias Sean in Arizona, who's
really good friends with Eddie. We talk about Marcella and
Brooklyn came up, and Alf and Ferdog and Mallard, prop
Guy and all these characters. Doc Mike from Chicago Lexus.
(17:00):
You know, these guys are getting older. They don't call much.
Mark the full name guy who's on the Angel List, hollering, James,
all the Legends, all the legends. Marlin's Man came up.
I had a discussion with Eddie about our podcast on Friday,
the Malard Matchmaker Edition with Sports with Coleman and Marlin's Man.
This surreal thing. If you didn't hear the Friday podcast,
(17:22):
I set up a meet and greet with Sports with
Coleman and Marlin's Man, two people who I know, who
I like, who just happened to be at the Orioles
game and to see it all play out on TV
was awesome. And I'm flipping. I'm flipping back and forth
between the Orioles and the Yankees broadcast and right behind
home plate in the third row is my friend Sports
with Coleman walking down to hang out with Marlin's Man.
(17:43):
It was. It was awesome. It was so good, and
so we talked about that. You know, Eddie wanted updates
on the people that are part of the show. And
so we talked about that. Russef's name came up. The
rest of the Rusef and he'd be like, well, whatever
happened to that guy? And what's that other guy doing? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
that is this person still calling? Is that guy still alive?
We talked about Jack the Judge and Leslie, and we
(18:05):
were both depressed that we haven't heard from Jack the
Judge and Leslie. Something must have happened that was not good,
or else one of them would have contacted the show.
It's been I think a year or close to a
year since we've heard from Jack and Leslie. And so
we were bummed out about that. And I told Eddie,
I said, listen, I tried to get ahold of Leslie.
She had emailed me. I have an email address. The
email didn't bounce back. However, I didn't get a reply,
(18:29):
So I don't know what happened with that, you know,
as a bummer. And we were talking about some of
the funny calls. We talked about Maggie, little Maggie from Cleveland,
who's all growing up. She was a little girl with
her dad delivering the newspaper and she's going to hell.
Lebron James. Now she's got like a kid, and it's
like it's crazy, crazy, crazy crazy. We went over everything.
(18:50):
It's like opening an old baseball card collection, except instead
of Mickey Mantle or Willie Mays or the Billy Ripkin
ff card or the Ken Griffey ju in your rookie
card with upper deck, you've got a man screaming into
a telephone at two in the morning, and it's all
because he believes the Chargers are going to the Super Bowl. Yeah, okay.
(19:14):
And celebrity callers, regular callers, irregular callers, newbie nights. What
happened to jedhu Fled I don't know. He didn't call
a show anymore. Okay, he's not calling the show. How
about Cowboy John Brett, Well, Cowboy calls, but he doesn't
call very often. Maybe once a month. Well that's a bummer.
Hope he calls more. I agree. We remembered the glory
days of arguing with people who were absolutely certain that
(19:38):
their team was the greatest team of all time and
they were going to dominate, whether it was the AFC
or the NFC and the World Series. Talking about that,
you know, just craziness. These battles that we had worthy
some of these people of winning the Nobel Peace Prize,
(19:59):
and Eddie was there. They're living all of it alongside
of me. Twenty years at Fox Sports Radio. Now, we
didn't work together the entire time. We often worked together
on the weekends. We had some stuff we did, and
then we moved to the weekday lineup. It's a long
time for one human being to sit next to me,
the amount of time that we were together on the
(20:19):
Overnight Show, and I just listen to me as I
complain about literally everything on a daily basis and everybody,
so I have the ability, it's an innate ability to
complain about literally everything and everybody. Bad coaching check, bad
officiating check check. Bullpen management check check check load management. Yeah,
(20:41):
you know the deal, airport food, the mini bar at
the hotel in Vegas charging me for everything, hotel pillows,
bad weather up charges up the wazoo, bad weather in cities.
I wasn't even going to visit players regularly. Writing the
Vomit comet, Dave Roberts saying I really liked him in
(21:04):
that spot. Eddie heard all of it, every single thing,
and that is the wacky, wacky, wacky thing, The strange
thing about working overnight radio together for two decades. The
bosses are sleeping right their way, and most people are
in a trance like state. You spend thousands of hours
(21:26):
in the same studio. That's more time together than many relatives,
and then one day the routine ends. No ceremony, there's
no retirement tour, there's no marching band, there's no gold watch,
no plaque from the mayor, no day to celebrate you.
Just a chair that is empty, the light turned off,
(21:50):
and life keeps moving. The on air light keeps flashing.
And that is why the chicken fingers mattered. It wasn't
really about the lunch, not that I don't enjoy the
chicken at raising canes. I do. And it wasn't even
really about the radio stuff. It was about sitting across
from an old pal and discovering that after all of
(22:12):
the time that has gone by, all the changes and
all the miles, the conversation was still there. No awkwardness.
There was no awkwardness, no warm up period, just two
radio pals from back in the day talking nonsense again.
And it reminded me of my dad. My dad is
(22:33):
last few years of life. He would go out every
Sunday for I think it was Sunday. It might have
been Saturday. I think it was Sunday. It was on
the weekend. He'd go out with his pals from the
temple and they would solve all of life's problems, any
geopolitical crisis. They would spend like three four hours just schmoozing, right,
(22:53):
And that's just how it went. And so again we
just caught up on life. We laughed about the past
and the different bosses that we had and the crazy
things that they had us do, and of course we
worried about the future. We consumed enough fried chicken and
fries to make ourselves part of somebody else's future injury report.
(23:14):
So we'll pop up there at some point. And then
that was it. We went our separate ways. Casa Garcia
for Eddie, the Malor Mansion for me, and I was
back into the bingo card of southern California freeways. And
as I got on the highway, there somewhere behind us
at the Tabernacle of Chicken Finger, where for one Friday afternoon,
(23:38):
twenty years or so of overnight sports radio in Sanity
came roaring back. Should have been cameras, should have been
lights in there, and it turns out you don't need
a studio to have a reunion show. You don't need
microphones to have a reunion show. Just an old friend,
some good stories, and a bunch of cane sauce. That's
(23:59):
all you really need. That's it, That's all you need,
all right. Meanwhile, I wanted to mention this. We've talked
a lot over the last I don't know how many
months have we done the same I guess years. At
this point on the fifth hour, we've talked about UFO
stuff and some of you guys are big into it,
your Coast to Coast listeners, which is odd to me
(24:20):
because we're competing with Coast to Coast and you somehow
are able to listen to our show and Coast to
Coast God bless you. I don't know how many of
George Norri's regular listeners crossovers say I need a little
sports talk, but we're glad that you guys do. So,
there was a story that came out yesterday this former
Pentagon UFO consultant, doctor Eric Davis. No relation to the
(24:42):
Cincinnati Red's outfielder unless there is so. This guy claims
the US government possesses bodies belonging to at least four
different alien species, and they are hidden in secret military
facilities Area fifty one and others. And he says he
is person only seen classified photographs and government records tied
(25:04):
to crashed unidentified anonymous phenomena UAPs. We used to call
them UFOs back in the old days, but now they
call them UAPs, and alleged the big headline in this world.
The big headline in this world was extraterrestrial bodies. And
the guy said there's a minimum of four that we
(25:27):
know of. And he identifies the alleged species as the Grays,
the Nordics, the insectoids, and the reptilians, which is not new.
This same claim has been made for some time and
ranges from the stereotypical large eyed grays to human size
praying mantis. And it's just it's craziness, right. You hear
(25:51):
about the descriptions and all this stuff. And Davis says
he's investigated UAPs for thirty years. He's asking President Trump
to waive the NDA and protect him as a UAP
whistle blower, So we'll see what happens with that. In
the meantime, look I've stayed quiet through the years of
(26:14):
the same tired baseline disclosure scripts. I will bring them up,
somebody will email me in the mail bag. We'll talk
about it. But I've had enough. I forget the congressional
hearings which always happened with most things redacted, and the
heavily redacted PDF files that we can't share. Skip the
press conference entirely. I don't need the press conferences. I
(26:37):
want the scouting combine. Now bear with me. I want
the scouting combin. The Milky Way NFL Draft is going
to be absolutely out of this world. Yes, I know
what I did. And the big board. You imagine the
big board of the Milkie Way NFL Draft. The analytics, analytics,
the analysis insane. With the first overall pick in the
(27:01):
twenty twenty seven NFL Draft, the Cleveland Brown select an
insectoid giant cockroach come on down, Oh woo well, owner
Jimmy has Them literally stood at the podium and said
that six foot tall, exoskeleton plated monstrosity will feel right
at home in the factory of sadness, saying the Browns
(27:23):
have had literal cockroaches crawling around the factory sad as
for years, and it's really standard Cleveland logic, right you
think about it. To be completely fair to the Browns
front office and rival scouts insist the Grays were actually
lobbying to be the top pick and it was neck
and neck between the Insectoids and the Grays, and the
(27:46):
rivals around the NFL said, well, listen, the Grays were
the good pick. They chose not to pick the Grays
because they absolutely love that gloomy, overcast northern Ohio weather.
It's like they'd fit right in there. Meanwhile, the analytics
crowd is practically hyperventilating over the Nordics. They're projecting them
as generational plug and play fits for teams like Buffalo
(28:10):
and Green Bay. Think about a five foot six flawless
hair genetically tailored for sub zero weather in the frozen
tundra and it's lake effect blizzard. No problem, lake effect blizzard?
Are you kidding me? Come on, It's not just a
scheme fit. It's practically home field advantage. I mean, it's
(28:35):
My goodness, is insane. Now down in the desert southwest
Arizona is going all in. They want to draft a reptilian.
They would like a reptilian in the two or three spot.
The front office is convinced there that letting a cold
blooded APEX predator flourish in the scorching desert heat that
(28:58):
is the key to unlocking their defense. And somewhere in
a basement in Bristol, Connecticut, mel kiper Junior is actively
pounding the table, slicked back hair vibrating with sheer fury.
He's really upset, yelling at a fat head of his
old pal long ago. Let go Todd McShay from years ago,
(29:21):
and he's like, I had this gray as my number
one extraterrestrial prospects since October. Look at the tape, the
lateral quickness, the telepathic pre snap reads. You can't teach
that level of hive mind awareness. Forget a huddle. We're
talking about a hive And who cares about the forty
(29:44):
yard dash the vertical jump. I don't care about a
linebacker's bench press. I need UFO times from Mars to Indianapolis.
That is what I need. I'm telling you right now.
The Nordics in Green Bay are part of a frozen
tundra ssyop to control the NFC North, and the NFL
is involved. Just think of the bigger picture, Like, think
(30:05):
about it. You think it's just a kawinkie dink that
a rare race of hyper Nordic athletics specimens wants to
play outdoors in Wisconsin in January. It's a total meteorology
goal takeover, right, I mean the weather advantage. They're running
no huddle, you know at the line there, and they
(30:28):
don't need to call any players and go hut hut hike. Yeah,
they don't need to do that because they can connect
without even talking telepathically, altering the local atmosphere fear of pressure.
They can do that as well, keeping the division hostage
under a permanent polar vortex even in September. It's not
(30:51):
not a rebuild. It's a regional atmosphereic coup designed as
a zone blocking scheme. And don't even get me started
on the big brain geniuses sitting at the top of
the draft board. The Grays aren't prospects. They're scouting us, right.
This is a reverse draft, that's what's going on now.
We think we think we're putting them through the bench
(31:13):
press at the Milky Way draft scouting combine and measuring
their wingspan, But look at their eyes. They aren't taking
mental reps. They're running a diagnostic on human athletic capability.
They're taking notes on our cap space, measuring our defensive schemes,
(31:34):
and quietly filling scouting reports back to the mothership. Like
we're out here arguing over high ankle sprains and raw athleticism,
completely blind to the fact that we're paying three draft
picks and forty million dollars guaranteed money just to get
mapped by a scout who hasn't blinked since back when
(31:57):
Jimmy Carter was in the White House, the Carter admins.
It's all connected, the big boards, the climate fits, the
telepathic audible system, the Gridiron hasn't seen a talent pipeline
like this since the merger. And honestly, I am just
waiting to see how the cap works. Do you really
(32:19):
have to pay the Nordics? Do they need money? You
know what I'm saying. I don't know what about the
If you're looking at the draft you said, okay, let's
take a look at the insectoids. They don't really need
money either. Yeah, all right, we'll see what happens when
we bring dark matter into this. All right. It is
(32:42):
August twenty second, is that we're almost done here. It
is Tooth Fairy Day, National Tooth Fairy Day today, and
is it true? The modern tooth fairy is much younger
than the other folklore, like Santa Claus. The American version
started in the early twentieth century, so Santa Claus been
(33:04):
around a lot long. Of course, the famous story about
Santa Claus is the reason Santa Claus is right. It's
because of Coca cola. The tooth fairy though again early
twentieth century, and in many countries, from what I understand,
falling down a toothfairy rabbit hole, it is a tooth
mouse instead. France has what they call the little mouse,
and in Spain they have a mouse who collects children's
(33:28):
teeth as well, so you've got that. A Spanish writer
wrote a story about a mouse in the eighteen nineties
who had lost a tooth, and that is credited around
the world as the beginning of that the under the
pillow tradition of children everywhere right around the world. Elsewhere
(33:52):
they may leave a tooth in a slipper or a
windowsill or a design spot, and there's all kinds of
other traditions where they'll toss baby teeth, onto roofs, under houses,
towards the sun, you name it, and nobody really knows,
(34:14):
like officially officially who invented the tooth fairy part of it.
So we're not sure about that. And in terms of
the kids, what is the highest number of teeth that
a kid could get paid for? Well, children normally have
not one, not two, not three, not four, not five,
(34:34):
not six. How about twenty primary or baby teeth, meaning
that a kid with a good tooth fairy and a
long term contract could get pretty good money. Let's do
some malor math on them. Me see if there's some
malor math heres. So how much is the average rate
(34:54):
for a tooth fairy? So if you lose all twenty
teeth at FI five dollars a tooth, you're looking at
a one hundred dollars buyout a dental buyout plan of
one hundred dollars. That seems like quite a bit. Now,
if you get ten dollars and you got twenty teeth,
(35:15):
you can do the math on that. So that's two
hundred dollars that you get and you can keep going
and going and going and going. I don't think there's
a salary cap it's like dental nil. Think of it
like dental nil. And most of the time it happens
while you're sleeping, and that's it, and you don't even
(35:36):
notice you lost the tooth. You wake up, where's my tooth?
Oftentimes you swallow it and that's it. The tooth fairy
works overnight like we do. Well, kids are sleeping, the
money all of a sudden appears. No one witnesses it,
and from a business standpoint, it's less Cinderella and more Goodfellas.
It's more Goodfellas. It's how that works there. So there,
(35:57):
it is all right, verus that we had the tooth Fairy.
Move right, Dwayne the Rock Johnson. That movie's got. That
movie's sixteen years old. The tooth Fairy wow, sixteen years
sixteen years Yeah, And unlike Santa Claus, there's no universally
accepted tooth fairy, so she can be depicted as a
tiny winged fairy, a human sized fairy, or Dwayne the
(36:20):
Rock Johnson. Anyway, On that note, we will get out
of here. We'll have the mail bag tomorrow. We have
still not locked in our mail bag contributor. It may
be weed man hippie. He is having some major technical difficulties.
If not, we'll go to the bullpen and we'll bring
somebody in. So we'll let you know about that. Obviously,
(36:40):
we'll hear it on Sunday. Have a great rest of
your Saturday, and we will chat with you tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
tomorrow is another day or something like that. Oh wait,
Dick and Dayton's here. He says bye bye, bye bye
Bopolation
Kaboom boom.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
of the old republic, a sol fashion of fairness. He
treats crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the
rich pill poppers in the penthouse. Wow, the Clearinghouse of
hot takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour
(00:23):
with Ben Maller starts right now.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
In the air, amywhere the Fifth Hour with me Ben
Mahlor and you are you and we are together on
this early Saturday as we are recording this year and
back at it has some exhibition games. Somehow the Steelers
got shut out by the Jets. I am not going
(00:50):
to do a sporty Mallard monologue. That is not going
to happen. I did want to mention before I get
into the meat of the Saturday podcast if I had
been on on the radio last night. I did see
the commentary of one Stan cast in Longtime Sports Executive
(01:11):
regarding the status of the doyerses the status of the Dodgers,
and I saw that, I said, well, that would have
been red meat. That would have absolutely been red meat.
Had I had a microphone in my hand. On the
overnight show would have been ranting and raving, the Dodgers
returning home, and the Dodger President Stan Casten desperately denying
(01:36):
the franchises for sale, saying the Dodgers are not being sold.
They're not for sale. There's no process that has been
started to sell it. Period. Okay, so here's the problem.
There's three scenarios here for the Dodgers, and I'm not
going to go off on a tangent here. There's just
three scenarios for the Dodgers. There's one scenario where Mark
(01:59):
Walter ends up not being able to pay the amount
of tax dollars he owes the federal government. And under
that scenario, he has to sell the Dodgers because he'll
end up going to jail. Now it's rich people jail,
but it's still jail. That scenario number one. Scenario number
two is he has to sell everything, keeps the Dodgers. However,
(02:26):
the shell game is over. He will not be able
to do what he's been doing financially because he will
have nothing left having paid the tax bill to the government.
And therefore the Dodgers are going to have to be
run like every other team in baseball, and they're not
going to be able to get the top player every
year in free agency. And then the third scenario is
the Saudi Wealth Fund comes in and pays off the
(02:49):
federal government and then it's business as usual for the Dodgers.
They'll they'll just be holding to their sugar daddy who
helped pay the tax bill. So those are the three scenarios.
And it does even matter whether the Dodgers are for
sale today. As we saw, if you believe the reporting,
the Lakers were not for sale, and within three days
(03:10):
they were sold. So it's irrelevant if you say, listen,
the Dodgers are not being sold, they're not for sale.
There's no process, blah blah blah. It doesn't matter. You know,
you can publicly declare they're not for sale. The Lakers
were not for sale, Okay, they were not, And there's
enough smoke around the Dodgers' ownership where this is a
(03:31):
legitimate possibility. All right. That being said, this is not
a sporty podcast. On this edition, the Saturday special of
the fifth Hour, the extra crispy add on item off
the secret menu, we have bring in the Army Corps
of Engineers and the Milky Way. But on this two
(03:52):
hundred and thirty fourth day of the other are one
hundred and thirty one days left. We begin with a
reunion that was long overdue. Now, as you may have
seen on the various Ben Maler Show social media accounts
on Instagram, Facebook, and x and whatever other electronic bulletin
board we are required to feed with content, I spent
(04:16):
part of my day on Friday at a power lunch
with the man, the myth, the legend, the one and
only Edmund Dallas steamboat Willie Garcia, my longtime radio pal,
more than twenty years together at Fox Sports Radio, a
(04:36):
lot of those on the overnight before Eddie was unfortunately
excommunicated in November of twenty twenty four, as I got
off a plane on a Monday from Kansas City after
a great weekend after a game at Arrowhead and then
got the news. So a long time Eddie was at
Fox Sports Radio for twenty one years. So it was
(04:58):
over twenty years we were together. And just to put
that in perspective, do you understand how long twenty years
is in radio? Most radio jobs last about as long
as the free trial on a streaming service So what
I did is I used Moxie as my reference, my
dog Moxie, and so in Moxie years aka dog years,
(05:20):
that means we work together for seventy nine years. Seventy
nine years in dog years, Eddie and I lasted through
multiple presidents, several economic crisis, the pandemic of twenty twenty
twenty twenty one, the death of Kobe Bryant, and so
many other legends, the Red Sox ending, the curse of
(05:43):
the Bambino, the Cubs ending the curse of the Billy Goat,
the invention of the iPhone, and approximately forty seven different
management philosophies and consultants at Fox Sports Radio. I'm just saying,
twenty years in radio and we still look shop whenever
somebody comes up to us. As you know, I listen
to your show. Really, are you serious now? Since Eddie
(06:07):
was excommunicated, decommissioned, however you want to say it from
Fox Sports Radio, He's an active duty member or active
dues paying member of the Fox Sports Radio Alumni Association,
and we have bumped into each other often during football season,
the Charger games at SOFI. The Chargers played an exhibition
(06:28):
game the other day and I was not there. Eddie
did go. He was not real happy about it. He
didn't I want to go to exhibition games. But he
was at Sofi. When I'm at Sofi, I'm working. Those
are to me their workplace adjacent encounters because I got
to get ready for the show, and so it's not
(06:48):
just downtime. You're standing around a stadium of thousands of people.
Somebody's yelling, there's a kickoff coming, there's a smell of
spilled beer and nachos in the air everywhere, and you
exchange pleasantries. You exchange pleasantries and then disappear somewhere in
to that concrete mosaic. This was different. This was lunch,
(07:13):
a lunch, a formal lunch, a power lunch, as formal
as a lunch can be. When you're eating chicken fingers
out of basket and there's some plastic on it and
I'm not plastic, I guess paper wrap in the basket.
So it started because I was making the long expedition
from the North Woods into the Fox Sports Radio studios
(07:36):
southern California. Driving is not really transportation. If you've ever
been to La or you live in La, you know this.
It is more of an endurance sport. You don't really
commute when you live in the LA area. You explore
You're Lewis and Clark with the ways app the four
h five, I try to avoid it all costs, very angry,
the five emotionally unavailable. The ninety one would like you
(08:00):
to die, and it would like to send you to
your demise. And then there's all these others, the fifty seven,
the fifty five, the one eighteen, the one oh one,
the twenty two. It's just nothing but numbers. So I
had called Eddie, I'm not gonna lie. I was trying
to kill some time. I got a long commute, and
(08:21):
we started talking about our buddy, Jake Warner of Stay
Awake with Jake Fame. If you've been with the show
a long time, you might know that name. Jake's been
gone for a very long amount of time from our show.
He quit long ago, and we love Jake. He's bounced
around the radio world and he recently got married, and
so we talked about that, and then we wandered into
(08:46):
mutual friends, other mutual friends, radio people, old Fox alumni people.
Where are they at now? Did you know so and
so is doing a political show? In Virginia, really, I
know you. Yeah. Then our other buddy, he's in he's
in Florida. He's doing sports talk. He's doing the afternoon Drift.
Is that right, he's doing afternoon Drift. Yeah, he's doing
afternoon Drift. That's where good? Oh yeah, Tony Bruno, he's
retired now, but he still comes back and does radio
(09:07):
in Philadelphia. So Tony's still doing his thing. Oh, yes,
that's right, Yeah for sure. What about Clay Travis, Well,
Clay just made a gazillion dollar selling something to Fox. Well,
good for him, way to go. What about Steve and
A He's still making more than any of us combined,
all of us combined ADESPN. So yeah, we're just talking
about that assorted characters that we've collected, mutual characters in
our lives over the years. And I thought, what are
(09:30):
we doing here? Why don't we actually have a meal.
So I set this up for Friday, one of my
two sacred days away from the circus, away from the
big Top on overnight radio, and so we set it up. Now,
there was one problem, actually it's more than one problem,
but the one main problem is that Eddie lives nowhere
(09:52):
near me in southern California. Nowhere near me can mean
a mere seventeen miles, which who might not seem like
it's that far. However, when it takes you four hours
to circumnavigate the highways and byways, you realize, you know,
it's eight hours in the car. I don't know that
(10:12):
I want to do that. I mean, I know I
have a charm life, and I just get to as
long as I play nice in the sandbox, I get
to talk about sports. The struggle is real, and so
modern technology was summoned. We needed the geographic midpoint between
Casa Garcia and the Malar Mansion, and this required Malar math,
(10:38):
satellite technology, and possibly the Army Corps of Engineers. We
seriously thought, why don't we bring in the Army Corps
of Engineers? And where did Destiny send us raising canes
the tabernacle of the chicken finger l perfecto. Nothing says
(10:58):
power lunch with a couple old radio guys like just
hanging out dipping fried poultry and cane sauce, reminiscing about
the four monologue on Ichiro Suzuki's Mariners and then realizing, oh,
by the way, twenty oh four is the year that
Victor Wembanyama was born. The Parisian prodigy is doing pretty
(11:21):
well for himself in the Alamo, and you go, holy crackers, Batman,
Wait a minute, we were doing a show in four
and now, all these years later, this is happening. Nothing
ages you faster than discovering a professional athlete was born
during a radio segment you vividly remember doing right away.
(11:46):
Right away though, the magic returned, because here's something nobody
warns you about getting older. When you catch up with
an old friend, in this case Eddie Garcia, eventually the
conversation becomes an injury report. It's kind of like an
Andy Reid comes out at a chiefs press conference. Yeah,
(12:06):
we got so and so he's in the trainer's room
right now. We're not sure how bad he's doing. And
then you know, Joejoe is out for a little while.
So you start saying, who's sick, who's died since the
last time we talked, who's got the creeping crud? Well,
Joe Schmo, he's got the gobbledy goog gobbledy gook. That
doesn't sound very good. Yeah, yeah, well so so and
(12:28):
so there's something wrong with his thing of a jig,
the thing of a jig. Yeah, the thing of a
jig's not really working the way it's supposed to be. Well,
there's a pill for that. Okay. Remember the guy with
the watching McCall it. Oh yeah, the guy, Yeah, he
worked at Fox Sports Radio for a little bit. Well,
apparently his do hickey mixing with the watch of McCall it,
and it's not working anymore. So you're telling me the
watch McCall it and the do hickey are tied together
(12:50):
and they're not working anymore. Yeah, that apparently is what happened.
Is that right? Yeah? I think so. So middle aged
or thereabouts, You know, it's all that's fun when people
say middle age, because you really don't know how long
you're gonna live. You don't know for sure. You know,
you like to think you got a good eighty and
yet you might check out early. Maybe you get a
little bonus time after that. Who knows. But middle aged
(13:14):
with a couple of friends you meet for lunch. And
I used to see my relatives when I was younger
doing this and I always thought, Man, they must be
so frickin' bored. What do they talk about? God? What
a nightmare? And now I'm that person, right, your two
people who've known each other for a long time. You
spend forty five minutes explaining how wonderfully you're doing, while
simultaneously cataloging every medical catastrophe in your contact list on
(13:39):
your phone. Oh yeah, I'm doing great, fantastic, never been better,
never been better. Did you hear about Bob Spleen? Yeah,
it exploded, curvefluey, just like that. Then you have some fries,
You have some fry, you get at ketch up, dip
the fries and the ketchup. This is friendship after a
certain age. Now. We also talked ray because we're radio guys,
(14:02):
and that was considerably less uplifting than talking about the
thing of a jig, the what you might call it,
and the do hickey and the gobbledgook that we're not working,
considerably less uplifting. We discussed the state of the radio business.
We talked about what the radio business was like when
we started. It's always fun if you enjoy recreational depression.
(14:25):
Good time, good f in time. Let me sip my lemonade.
I'll be right back now. Radio people discussing the future
of radio is akin to dinosaurs holding a seminar on
asteroid preparedness. Well, you really don't need to prepare for
an asteroid. Yeah, you know why exactly. Yes. So we
talked about Eddi's podcast. He's doing a lot of hockey stuff.
(14:47):
He's doing a daily hockey podcast. He's very tied in
with the La Kings, his plans for the football season,
going to Charger games, traveling around the globe, and all
of those things. All of those things again, his wife Karen,
who's been a big friend of the show, and she's
a great woman. Love talking to Karen. Haven't seen her
(15:09):
in a long time. Again, all the mutual friends. Just
the normal stuff, the normal stuff of life. Me and
Eddie Garcia. We talked about that and it was just
good being around Eddie again. And I do hope. I
have a dream that someday Eddie will come back to
Fox Sports Radio. I would absolutely love that. I think
he would love it as well, and the company should
bring him back. Of course, this is well above my
(15:31):
pay grade, and this is my opinion. They can do
whatever they want. If it was my call, Eddie would
have never been poll axed in the first place, despite
popular opinion. And I get emails and I'm sure I'm
gonna get a ton I just posted the photo yesterday
afternoon evening and I haven't checked my inbox yet. I'm
imagining I'm getting a bunch of messages. Well, you should
(15:54):
have taken a pay cut to keep Eddie. You're the
reason that Eddie's not there. Yeah, despite popular opinion, my
authority at Fox Sports Radio. Here's what it extends, roughly
to deciding whether I want ice in my water? Do
I want water without ice or ice with the water.
That's my power, that's it. That's all. Still, it would
(16:16):
be great having Eddie back in the building, and I
hope that happens sooner than later. Now, we spend a
lot of time reminiscing about the old days, the callers,
the bigger than life characters that made the Overnight's what
they've become over the years, the absolute lunatics who have
been part of the fabric of the show and our
(16:37):
daily lives. And these are people we talk to every day.
We've become friends with them, me and Eddie over the years,
on and off the air. Sirias Sean in Arizona, who's
really good friends with Eddie. We talk about Marcella and
Brooklyn came up, and Alf and Ferdog and Mallard, prop
Guy and all these characters. Doc Mike from Chicago Lexus.
(17:00):
You know, these guys are getting older. They don't call much.
Mark the full name guy who's on the Angel List, hollering, James,
all the Legends, all the legends. Marlin's Man came up.
I had a discussion with Eddie about our podcast on Friday,
the Malard Matchmaker Edition with Sports with Coleman and Marlin's Man.
This surreal thing. If you didn't hear the Friday podcast,
(17:22):
I set up a meet and greet with Sports with
Coleman and Marlin's Man, two people who I know, who
I like, who just happened to be at the Orioles
game and to see it all play out on TV
was awesome. And I'm flipping. I'm flipping back and forth
between the Orioles and the Yankees broadcast and right behind
home plate in the third row is my friend Sports
with Coleman walking down to hang out with Marlin's Man.
(17:43):
It was. It was awesome. It was so good, and
so we talked about that. You know, Eddie wanted updates
on the people that are part of the show. And
so we talked about that. Russef's name came up. The
rest of the Rusef and he'd be like, well, whatever
happened to that guy? And what's that other guy doing? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
that is this person still calling? Is that guy still alive?
We talked about Jack the Judge and Leslie, and we
(18:05):
were both depressed that we haven't heard from Jack the
Judge and Leslie. Something must have happened that was not good,
or else one of them would have contacted the show.
It's been I think a year or close to a
year since we've heard from Jack and Leslie. And so
we were bummed out about that. And I told Eddie,
I said, listen, I tried to get ahold of Leslie.
She had emailed me. I have an email address. The
email didn't bounce back. However, I didn't get a reply,
(18:29):
So I don't know what happened with that, you know,
as a bummer. And we were talking about some of
the funny calls. We talked about Maggie, little Maggie from Cleveland,
who's all growing up. She was a little girl with
her dad delivering the newspaper and she's going to hell.
Lebron James. Now she's got like a kid, and it's
like it's crazy, crazy, crazy crazy. We went over everything.
(18:50):
It's like opening an old baseball card collection, except instead
of Mickey Mantle or Willie Mays or the Billy Ripkin
ff card or the Ken Griffey ju in your rookie
card with upper deck, you've got a man screaming into
a telephone at two in the morning, and it's all
because he believes the Chargers are going to the Super Bowl. Yeah, okay.
(19:14):
And celebrity callers, regular callers, irregular callers, newbie nights. What
happened to jedhu Fled I don't know. He didn't call
a show anymore. Okay, he's not calling the show. How
about Cowboy John Brett, Well, Cowboy calls, but he doesn't
call very often. Maybe once a month. Well that's a bummer.
Hope he calls more. I agree. We remembered the glory
days of arguing with people who were absolutely certain that
(19:38):
their team was the greatest team of all time and
they were going to dominate, whether it was the AFC
or the NFC and the World Series. Talking about that,
you know, just craziness. These battles that we had worthy
some of these people of winning the Nobel Peace Prize,
(19:59):
and Eddie was there. They're living all of it alongside
of me. Twenty years at Fox Sports Radio. Now, we
didn't work together the entire time. We often worked together
on the weekends. We had some stuff we did, and
then we moved to the weekday lineup. It's a long
time for one human being to sit next to me,
the amount of time that we were together on the
(20:19):
Overnight Show, and I just listen to me as I
complain about literally everything on a daily basis and everybody,
so I have the ability, it's an innate ability to
complain about literally everything and everybody. Bad coaching check, bad
officiating check check. Bullpen management check check check load management. Yeah,
(20:41):
you know the deal, airport food, the mini bar at
the hotel in Vegas charging me for everything, hotel pillows,
bad weather up charges up the wazoo, bad weather in cities.
I wasn't even going to visit players regularly. Writing the
Vomit comet, Dave Roberts saying I really liked him in
(21:04):
that spot. Eddie heard all of it, every single thing,
and that is the wacky, wacky, wacky thing, The strange
thing about working overnight radio together for two decades. The
bosses are sleeping right their way, and most people are
in a trance like state. You spend thousands of hours
(21:26):
in the same studio. That's more time together than many relatives,
and then one day the routine ends. No ceremony, there's
no retirement tour, there's no marching band, there's no gold watch,
no plaque from the mayor, no day to celebrate you.
Just a chair that is empty, the light turned off,
(21:50):
and life keeps moving. The on air light keeps flashing.
And that is why the chicken fingers mattered. It wasn't
really about the lunch, not that I don't enjoy the
chicken at raising canes. I do. And it wasn't even
really about the radio stuff. It was about sitting across
from an old pal and discovering that after all of
(22:12):
the time that has gone by, all the changes and
all the miles, the conversation was still there. No awkwardness.
There was no awkwardness, no warm up period, just two
radio pals from back in the day talking nonsense again.
And it reminded me of my dad. My dad is
(22:33):
last few years of life. He would go out every
Sunday for I think it was Sunday. It might have
been Saturday. I think it was Sunday. It was on
the weekend. He'd go out with his pals from the
temple and they would solve all of life's problems, any
geopolitical crisis. They would spend like three four hours just schmoozing, right,
(22:53):
And that's just how it went. And so again we
just caught up on life. We laughed about the past
and the different bosses that we had and the crazy
things that they had us do, and of course we
worried about the future. We consumed enough fried chicken and
fries to make ourselves part of somebody else's future injury report.
(23:14):
So we'll pop up there at some point. And then
that was it. We went our separate ways. Casa Garcia
for Eddie, the Malor Mansion for me, and I was
back into the bingo card of southern California freeways. And
as I got on the highway, there somewhere behind us
at the Tabernacle of Chicken Finger, where for one Friday afternoon,
(23:38):
twenty years or so of overnight sports radio in Sanity
came roaring back. Should have been cameras, should have been
lights in there, and it turns out you don't need
a studio to have a reunion show. You don't need
microphones to have a reunion show. Just an old friend,
some good stories, and a bunch of cane sauce. That's
(23:59):
all you really need. That's it, That's all you need,
all right. Meanwhile, I wanted to mention this. We've talked
a lot over the last I don't know how many
months have we done the same I guess years. At
this point on the fifth hour, we've talked about UFO
stuff and some of you guys are big into it,
your Coast to Coast listeners, which is odd to me
(24:20):
because we're competing with Coast to Coast and you somehow
are able to listen to our show and Coast to
Coast God bless you. I don't know how many of
George Norri's regular listeners crossovers say I need a little
sports talk, but we're glad that you guys do. So,
there was a story that came out yesterday this former
Pentagon UFO consultant, doctor Eric Davis. No relation to the
(24:42):
Cincinnati Red's outfielder unless there is so. This guy claims
the US government possesses bodies belonging to at least four
different alien species, and they are hidden in secret military
facilities Area fifty one and others. And he says he
is person only seen classified photographs and government records tied
(25:04):
to crashed unidentified anonymous phenomena UAPs. We used to call
them UFOs back in the old days, but now they
call them UAPs, and alleged the big headline in this world.
The big headline in this world was extraterrestrial bodies. And
the guy said there's a minimum of four that we
(25:27):
know of. And he identifies the alleged species as the Grays,
the Nordics, the insectoids, and the reptilians, which is not new.
This same claim has been made for some time and
ranges from the stereotypical large eyed grays to human size
praying mantis. And it's just it's craziness, right. You hear
(25:51):
about the descriptions and all this stuff. And Davis says
he's investigated UAPs for thirty years. He's asking President Trump
to waive the NDA and protect him as a UAP
whistle blower, So we'll see what happens with that. In
the meantime, look I've stayed quiet through the years of
(26:14):
the same tired baseline disclosure scripts. I will bring them up,
somebody will email me in the mail bag. We'll talk
about it. But I've had enough. I forget the congressional
hearings which always happened with most things redacted, and the
heavily redacted PDF files that we can't share. Skip the
press conference entirely. I don't need the press conferences. I
(26:37):
want the scouting combine. Now bear with me. I want
the scouting combin. The Milky Way NFL Draft is going
to be absolutely out of this world. Yes, I know
what I did. And the big board. You imagine the
big board of the Milkie Way NFL Draft. The analytics, analytics,
the analysis insane. With the first overall pick in the
(27:01):
twenty twenty seven NFL Draft, the Cleveland Brown select an
insectoid giant cockroach come on down, Oh woo well, owner
Jimmy has Them literally stood at the podium and said
that six foot tall, exoskeleton plated monstrosity will feel right
at home in the factory of sadness, saying the Browns
(27:23):
have had literal cockroaches crawling around the factory sad as
for years, and it's really standard Cleveland logic, right you
think about it. To be completely fair to the Browns
front office and rival scouts insist the Grays were actually
lobbying to be the top pick and it was neck
and neck between the Insectoids and the Grays, and the
(27:46):
rivals around the NFL said, well, listen, the Grays were
the good pick. They chose not to pick the Grays
because they absolutely love that gloomy, overcast northern Ohio weather.
It's like they'd fit right in there. Meanwhile, the analytics
crowd is practically hyperventilating over the Nordics. They're projecting them
as generational plug and play fits for teams like Buffalo
(28:10):
and Green Bay. Think about a five foot six flawless
hair genetically tailored for sub zero weather in the frozen
tundra and it's lake effect blizzard. No problem, lake effect blizzard?
Are you kidding me? Come on, It's not just a
scheme fit. It's practically home field advantage. I mean, it's
(28:35):
My goodness, is insane. Now down in the desert southwest
Arizona is going all in. They want to draft a reptilian.
They would like a reptilian in the two or three spot.
The front office is convinced there that letting a cold
blooded APEX predator flourish in the scorching desert heat that
(28:58):
is the key to unlocking their defense. And somewhere in
a basement in Bristol, Connecticut, mel kiper Junior is actively
pounding the table, slicked back hair vibrating with sheer fury.
He's really upset, yelling at a fat head of his
old pal long ago. Let go Todd McShay from years ago,
(29:21):
and he's like, I had this gray as my number
one extraterrestrial prospects since October. Look at the tape, the
lateral quickness, the telepathic pre snap reads. You can't teach
that level of hive mind awareness. Forget a huddle. We're
talking about a hive And who cares about the forty
(29:44):
yard dash the vertical jump. I don't care about a
linebacker's bench press. I need UFO times from Mars to Indianapolis.
That is what I need. I'm telling you right now.
The Nordics in Green Bay are part of a frozen
tundra ssyop to control the NFC North, and the NFL
is involved. Just think of the bigger picture, Like, think
(30:05):
about it. You think it's just a kawinkie dink that
a rare race of hyper Nordic athletics specimens wants to
play outdoors in Wisconsin in January. It's a total meteorology
goal takeover, right, I mean the weather advantage. They're running
no huddle, you know at the line there, and they
(30:28):
don't need to call any players and go hut hut hike. Yeah,
they don't need to do that because they can connect
without even talking telepathically, altering the local atmosphere fear of pressure.
They can do that as well, keeping the division hostage
under a permanent polar vortex even in September. It's not
(30:51):
not a rebuild. It's a regional atmosphereic coup designed as
a zone blocking scheme. And don't even get me started
on the big brain geniuses sitting at the top of
the draft board. The Grays aren't prospects. They're scouting us, right.
This is a reverse draft, that's what's going on now.
We think we think we're putting them through the bench
(31:13):
press at the Milky Way draft scouting combine and measuring
their wingspan, But look at their eyes. They aren't taking
mental reps. They're running a diagnostic on human athletic capability.
They're taking notes on our cap space, measuring our defensive schemes,
(31:34):
and quietly filling scouting reports back to the mothership. Like
we're out here arguing over high ankle sprains and raw athleticism,
completely blind to the fact that we're paying three draft
picks and forty million dollars guaranteed money just to get
mapped by a scout who hasn't blinked since back when
(31:57):
Jimmy Carter was in the White House, the Carter admins.
It's all connected, the big boards, the climate fits, the
telepathic audible system, the Gridiron hasn't seen a talent pipeline
like this since the merger. And honestly, I am just
waiting to see how the cap works. Do you really
(32:19):
have to pay the Nordics? Do they need money? You
know what I'm saying. I don't know what about the
If you're looking at the draft you said, okay, let's
take a look at the insectoids. They don't really need
money either. Yeah, all right, we'll see what happens when
we bring dark matter into this. All right. It is
(32:42):
August twenty second, is that we're almost done here. It
is Tooth Fairy Day, National Tooth Fairy Day today, and
is it true? The modern tooth fairy is much younger
than the other folklore, like Santa Claus. The American version
started in the early twentieth century, so Santa Claus been
(33:04):
around a lot long. Of course, the famous story about
Santa Claus is the reason Santa Claus is right. It's
because of Coca cola. The tooth fairy though again early
twentieth century, and in many countries, from what I understand,
falling down a toothfairy rabbit hole, it is a tooth
mouse instead. France has what they call the little mouse,
and in Spain they have a mouse who collects children's
(33:28):
teeth as well, so you've got that. A Spanish writer
wrote a story about a mouse in the eighteen nineties
who had lost a tooth, and that is credited around
the world as the beginning of that the under the
pillow tradition of children everywhere right around the world. Elsewhere
(33:52):
they may leave a tooth in a slipper or a
windowsill or a design spot, and there's all kinds of
other traditions where they'll toss baby teeth, onto roofs, under houses,
towards the sun, you name it, and nobody really knows,
(34:14):
like officially officially who invented the tooth fairy part of it.
So we're not sure about that. And in terms of
the kids, what is the highest number of teeth that
a kid could get paid for? Well, children normally have
not one, not two, not three, not four, not five,
(34:34):
not six. How about twenty primary or baby teeth, meaning
that a kid with a good tooth fairy and a
long term contract could get pretty good money. Let's do
some malor math on them. Me see if there's some
malor math heres. So how much is the average rate
(34:54):
for a tooth fairy? So if you lose all twenty
teeth at FI five dollars a tooth, you're looking at
a one hundred dollars buyout a dental buyout plan of
one hundred dollars. That seems like quite a bit. Now,
if you get ten dollars and you got twenty teeth,
(35:15):
you can do the math on that. So that's two
hundred dollars that you get and you can keep going
and going and going and going. I don't think there's
a salary cap it's like dental nil. Think of it
like dental nil. And most of the time it happens
while you're sleeping, and that's it, and you don't even
(35:36):
notice you lost the tooth. You wake up, where's my tooth?
Oftentimes you swallow it and that's it. The tooth fairy
works overnight like we do. Well, kids are sleeping, the
money all of a sudden appears. No one witnesses it,
and from a business standpoint, it's less Cinderella and more Goodfellas.
It's more Goodfellas. It's how that works there. So there,
(35:57):
it is all right, verus that we had the tooth Fairy.
Move right, Dwayne the Rock Johnson. That movie's got. That
movie's sixteen years old. The tooth Fairy wow, sixteen years
sixteen years Yeah, And unlike Santa Claus, there's no universally
accepted tooth fairy, so she can be depicted as a
tiny winged fairy, a human sized fairy, or Dwayne the
(36:20):
Rock Johnson. Anyway, On that note, we will get out
of here. We'll have the mail bag tomorrow. We have
still not locked in our mail bag contributor. It may
be weed man hippie. He is having some major technical difficulties.
If not, we'll go to the bullpen and we'll bring
somebody in. So we'll let you know about that. Obviously,
(36:40):
we'll hear it on Sunday. Have a great rest of
your Saturday, and we will chat with you tomorrow. Tomorrow, Tomorrow,
tomorrow is another day or something like that. Oh wait,
Dick and Dayton's here. He says bye bye, bye bye
Bopolation
Host
Ben Maller
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