August 29, 2026 • 29 mins
Ben Maller gets you ready for the Comic-Con for people with insomnia, otherwise known as the Maller Meet & Greet in Las Vegas—because apparently strangers from overnight radio gathering in a bar is considered a social event. Plus, Ben unveils The Gremlin Manifesto, a tale as old as technology itself. After another romantic dance with the tech gods ended with equipment going haywire, Ben was forced to launch a one-man counterinsurgency from the old country. Nothing dramatic, just a grown man fighting machines that are supposed to make life easier. Ben also produces dusty official, government-stamped paperwork. Yes, apparently the government once took time away from misplacing billions of dollars to certify something involving Ben Maller. Finally, your tax dollars at work. All that and more on The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole bastion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now. In
the air.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Everywhere, the fifth hour with me, Ben Maller, and you,
and a happy Saturday. It is going to be a
really happy Saturday today. Man, am I fired up just
hours away from the event, the social event of the
year in Vegas, unless it's not. On this podcast, we've
(00:53):
got Comic-Con-like and the Gremlin Manifesto.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
But we begin with this.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
It is Saturday, August 29th, day number 241 of the year.
That means there are just 124 days left, if my
math is correct. The 35th week of the year, and
it is the biggest day on the calendar, kind of,
(01:20):
because it's on, that's right, Like Donkey Kong. Now, what
is it, you ask? That would be the Malheur meet-and-greet,
which will be taking place later today from 3 till
5 at the Stakeout Bar and Grill, if you somehow
have not heard that, right next to UNLV, where Jerry Tarkanian,
(01:42):
the running Rebels, put on the most exciting team.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
In college basketball when I was a kid, even though
they only won one championship, doesn't matter. Now, we're going
to be upstairs.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
It's multi-level at the Stakeout Bar and Grill. We're going
to go upstairs because apparently the Mahler Militia has finally risen.
to the upper levels of high society. It's like the
Royal ball, if you will. And if you've never been
to a Mallory meet and greet, we've done a lot
of them. You need to come out. It's a bucket
list item. This is a gathering that is kind of
(02:14):
like a family reunion, not a blood family. We're not
really related. It's like a family reunion where the entire
family was raised in the back of a Bass Pro
Shop in And we all communicate primarily by grunting and
howling at the moon.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
And that's about it.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
The production is being quarterbacked by our fearless leader for
this event, our friend Slug, a longtime loyal minion of
the Malheur Militia, veteran hostess with the mostest. And he
has put together some amazing events in Sin City. Having
(02:53):
Slug organize an event.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
It's like your buddy saying, don't worry, I got a guy. Remember,
we've talked about this. You got to have a guy
in life.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
You got to know somebody for every phase of life.
You need somebody who's good at fixing refrigerators.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I got a guy, right? You need somebody that can
give you advice on cars. I got a guy.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
So then the guy walks in, it's slug, and somehow,
against all conventional wisdom, everything works out fine.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Everything will work out fine. We are fired up.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
For everyone who shows up, a number of big names
have RSVP'd. Now, I know Jay Scoop's.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Going to be there. He's going to have some Mallard merch.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Robbie the Mariner fan, who's essentially part of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
He's on it so much.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Lance the bus driver from a previous generation of callers.
Big Balls Bob, who was the star of last year's show.
Mouthwash Mike.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Dante.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
From Vegas, Tammy from Vegas, JT the Wingman from Tennessee,
Kyle and his magical glasses, our friends coming down from Vancouver.
and all of the other assorted insomniacs, radio degenerates, and
lovable oddballs who are my friends, who I'm forgetting, including
surfer Todd the Comedian, who will also be making an appearance.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
That is the beauty of these things.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
People who have been nothing more than just voices in
the night or a social media post with an odd
nickname and a fake avatar. suddenly materialize as actual human beings.
And I've mentioned this in the past. It's kind of
like Comic-Con for people with insomnia who yell at the radio. Officially,
(04:35):
the festivities will go from 3 o'clock and run until
5 p.m. That's the official on-the-record thing. That means you
can't complain if everyone leaves at 5 p.m. Now, unofficially,
we're probably still going to be there long after.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
And when.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
People start stacking chairs and giving us the universal restaurant
signal for please leave, you're at number one. There'll be food,
adult beverages available, of course, for purchase, karaoke, because apparently
civilization has advanced to the point where people voluntarily gather
(05:14):
in Nevada to hear middle-aged men scream Bon Jovi lyrics
at four in the afternoon.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
So that's where we are.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Now, Vegas in August also gives you two options. Now,
we're recommending today you go to the Malheur.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Meet and Greet.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
The other option is to wander outside and participate in
the annual August ritual in Sin City.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
It's a heat stroke convention, and.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
You can become a member of the heat stroke fan
club just standing outside. Easy call to make. Free parking.
You got free parking. Now, what I love about.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
These gatherings, there's a lot of things I like about them,
even though I'm not the most social. It's not the bar.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
It's not the karaoke or even watching people discover what
their favorite radio weirdos look like.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
In three dimensions, it is the people.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Radio is this odd little thing that we've got, and
we're holding on to it. No matter how much they try,
the industry tries to kick us in the nuts. We
sit in that studio talking about into these microphones, and
while you're doing your thing, cleaning toilets, driving trucks, making donuts,
stocking shelves, working security, delivering packages, driving Uber, delivering food
(06:32):
like Femi, our Uber Eats driver in Minnesota, or just
staring at the ceiling wondering why the hell you're awake
and why you cannot sleep. And then every so often
we all end up in the same place.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
We all end up in the same room.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
And for a couple of hours, the imaginary neighborhood becomes
a real Mr.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Rogers-like neighborhood. And it's going to be great. So we'll
see you upstairs. That's the plan. We'll see you upstairs.
Steakout Bar and Grill today. Look forward to it.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Now, turning the page, turning the page on that, I
did want to address the Gremlin Manifesto. As you likely
learned in school, the four seasons of the year are spring, summer, autumn,
and winter. That's a kindergarten lesson.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
It's simple. It's neat. It is predictable.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
Now, in the world I live in, the world of
audio content, however, there are more than four seasons. We
have rating season, which is usually during the NFL. We
have preemption season. which also can be during the NFL.
We have the boss is looking at the budget season,
which means you might want to update your resume on
(07:50):
Express Pros because you're about to.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Get whacked and decommissioned.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
And lately, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have
been living in the season of the G. Now that
is capital G for gremlins. You heard it if you
were listening closely, not once but twice this week on
the mothership, the original recipe, Ben Maler show, under siege
(08:14):
from these little gremlins attacking the equipment. Because, of course,
as you know, the universe, they send creatures specifically designed
to ruin your day. And you mix them with the
influx of cockroaches who are likely eating the wires, and
(08:36):
you have a chef's kiss.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Mwah!
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Of audio agony.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Twice during my award-winning Mahler monologues. Now, the only awards
I've won are from Ferg Dogg and Mahler Prop Guy
and Alf. They're still important. And at some point, I
believe that Alf is going to get me eligible for
a solo Marconi award. And he'll also get me in
the Hall of Fame. Because my bosses aren't going to
(09:03):
do that. So I need Alf to help me out.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
He'll do it. He'll do it.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
So anyway, I was forced to abandon my post, as
you heard. I had to quickly scamper across the room.
I grabbed my computer, my headphones, my mic condom, because
I practice safe talk.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
And I was like being hit with ordnance.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Shrapnel was flying. The show must go on. I earned
a purple microphone, which I think is something that Prince
either sang about or won in the early 90s. So
you heard all this play out on live radio.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
We'll do it live. I'll talk. You listen.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Now, what you haven't heard is the rest of the story.
As the late, great Paul Harvey would say, good day. Yeah,
Paul was a legend. in radio most people have no
idea who he is these days but he was one
of the greats Paul Harvey these little commentaries five minute
commentaries which were wonderful so the fifth hour podcast a
(10:11):
labor of love I don't do it for the money
trust me if you knew how much I actually made
you would say why are you wasting your time But
I love it. I love to come in here and
change it up a little bit. So every weekend, three episodes,
no days off on the podcast.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
No days off. And as you are listening right now,
this podcast was under attack.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
And this is the global exclusive. Now, we're doing this
in Vegas, but the remote podcast studio. which has worked
almost flawlessly for nine years, finally tossed in the sponge, surrendered,
and said no mas. We put this thing together when
I was double dipping and working some nights remotely for
(11:00):
WEEI in Boston, back when I still had some hair,
back when my right knee did not.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Ache from the weather. which is just odd.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
And I, at that time, foolishly believed electronics had a soul.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
And I didn't have any issues for almost a decade.
I had no issues.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
And then about a week ago, the mic randomly stopped working.
I thought it was the mic. I couldn't hear anything
in my headphones. Everything was on the fritz. And I
was like, what is this? Now, I am a man
of simple needs. I need crunchy tacos once a week.
I need a clear line of straight sight to the television,
(11:48):
the remote control. And I need equipment in the remote
audio podcast studio that turns on when I press the
button labeled microphone.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I need that. That's all I need.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I do not want to know how it works. I
do not care about the internal combustion engine of an
audio interface.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Just work. Is that too much to ask? Well, yes.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
Recently, it's been too much to ask. Far too much
to ask. Now, I didn't know what to do. So
the thing stops working. I got three podcasts to do.
I'm completely lost. I was wandering into the wilderness of
signal flow something, phantom power, completely out.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Of my depth. Now, I will give you a random
fun fact by request.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Alf says, Mallor, if you want me to get you
a Marconi, if you want me to nominate you for
the Hall of Fame or even some cheeseball podcast award,
I need a fun fact. So here is my fun
fact about me. And for the other people not named Alf,
I actually have an FCC license. And I'm not talking
about one I purchased on the dark web or on Teemu.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
It is true. You can stop laughing right now. I
have official government.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
Stamp paperwork proving that at one point in human history,
the United States federal government looked at me and said, yes,
let this man operate heavy broadcast machinery. I also have
a pass thanks to the pandemic, the martial law passed,
where if martial law happens, I'm allowed to leave my
(13:34):
house without getting shot. I can go through checkpoints and
go work because the American people need sports talk radio,
even during a situation.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Where they use martial law. But I do have this
FCC license.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
It was long, long ago. It is long expired, mind you.
I had to get it.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
When I ran the.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
Board briefly at COGO in San Diego and the mighty 690,
the border blaster station from Baja, California to the Canadian Rockies. Now,
in those days, you had to pass a test. You
had to demonstrate basic human intelligence. Now, these days, all
these years later, you just have to have a pulse.
(14:20):
You just have to have a warm body. Honestly, sometimes
they'll even put a cold body in there in a pinch. Now,
if you can decay without knocking over the microphone as
your body rots, congratulations. You get the midnight shift in
market 246, which I believe is the smallest radio market
(14:43):
in America. That would be Grand Forks, North Dakota. Now,
if you want to know the power of of the
Ben Maller Show, and this is more of a fun
fact for our friend Sports with Coleman.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
We have gotten calls from Grand Forks, North Dakota, Market 246,
the smallest.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Radio market, and I believe we're on a station in
Grand Forks. At least we were at one point. So anyway,
back to the story. So there I was, an FCC-certified idiot,
staring at a board full of knobs like someone, if
I'd been born in the 1800s trying to decipher a
(15:22):
microwave oven clock, it just, no, as much as I tried,
I couldn't get it to work. I looked at the soundboard.
The soundboard looked at me like, No chance. Why are
you bothering?
Speaker 2 (15:37):
I asked what was going on. I said, who's running
this place?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
One of the gremlins popped up from the back and said,
not you cue ball.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
And I was like, well, that's kind of rude. You
shouldn't say that. That's not, you know, come on.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
And you know, your podcast is struggling when even mythical
creatures try to shut it down.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Like what's the deal with the gremlins anyway? What is
their end game?
Speaker 3 (16:02):
They don't pay rent. They don't pay my salary. They
don't book guests. They just kind of sit there chewing
on fiber optic cables and ruining my day, destroying my equipment.
So my original plan, when in doubt, you got to
have a guy. My guy on the pod studio, the
(16:23):
remote pod studio, is Jake Warner. When it comes to
this kind of stuff, Jake is a genius. He's been
the audio engineer for the Dodgers, the Clippers, the Kings
over the years. He is the architect. He actually helped
build the original remote podcast studio brick by brick, cable
by cable. If anyone could save me from the brink
(16:46):
of audio extinction, it was my guy, Jake. However, there
was a turd in the punch bowl based on his
recent social media post.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
On the gram.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
My man, stay awake with Jake, had committed the ultimate
act of betrayal to a struggling radio host and podcaster.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
He ran off and got married, which meant.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Of course, that he was deep in that honeymoon phase,
completely unavailable to help a struggling, mostly bald, weekend, now
podcast guy, and just sitting.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
There trying to figure out, what did I do? And
I don't want to bother Jake. It's his time. He
got married. It's a big deal.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
And let him enjoy his time with his bride, and
I'll leave him alone. So while Jake was off, I
imagined sipping fruity drinks on a beach somewhere, living the
great life. While I was sitting in a dark room
surrounded by dead copper wires and broken.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Dreams, was I happy for Jake? Damn right I was
happy for Jake. Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
Do I forgive him for prioritizing lifelong marital bliss over
my gain knob?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
So with Jake out of the picture, things became truly pathetic.
I had reached rock bottom. I was hitting bedrock.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I turned.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
to artificial intelligence. Yeah, I sat there staring at the screen,
talking to a machine, and.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Let me tell you something.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
I felt like I was talking to the god of tech,
the tech god. I asked a series of rapid-fire questions
for advice, and literally within half.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Of a second, half of a second, I got detailed
descriptions of flow charts, diagnostic questions, follow-up on what I
needed to do. I was like, you've got to be joking.
This is unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
You go out to the store, you get the tech
support team, and it's like, what is going on here?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
The machine was polite.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
It was fast. It spoke to me in a woman's
British accent, which.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
That accent just makes you sound smarter. It just does.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
The British accent to an American ear, you're like, well,
you must be smarter. You've got that British accent. It
was vastly superior to me in every conceivable metric.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
It was crazy. It didn't mock my appearance.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
It didn't mention my complete lack of technical aptitude. It
just spat out answer after answer after answer. So does
that mean I solved my quagmire with AI?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Not exactly. Because here's the rub on this. Because the problem.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
with AI, AI assumes that the human operating the machinery
has a baseline level of competence. It tells you to
check the bus routing or routing as if I know
what a bus is is in this context. I know Roberto,
the bus driver. I know Lance, the bus driver and
our buddy in the Pacific Northwest, who's now a bus driver.
(20:10):
To me, a bus is a large yellow vehicle that
carries children to school and Right. Children's school or get
stuck behind me when I'm already five minutes late for
a appointment to go see some random person. So I
was able to get some of the equipment working with AI. However,
(20:32):
it wasn't back to the way it had been. And
this bothered me quite a bit. It was hanging on
by a thread. There was a red button flashing that
seemed like it was a bomb.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And I was.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Holding on, rubbing the back of my head like, I
don't know what to do. So naturally, when in doubt,
you got to go old school. So I'm from the
old country, apparently. I didn't know that until I got
a little older. And by the old country, I mean
an era where if the television screen started bouncing.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
You didn't.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Call a technician. You walked up to the side of
the console and you delivered a crisp right-handed haymaker to
the wooden cabinet. If that didn't work, you start kicking things.
And so I started kicking things. I started unplugging things.
I was hitting buttons with varying degrees of rage and desperation.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
I grabbed the doohickey. Well, that didn't work. Why didn't
the doohickey work? I don't know. I hit it. How
about the whatchamacallit? Twist the whatchamacallit. Okay.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I had better luck if I had a whatchamacallit candy bar,
I would have had better luck. So then I was like, okay,
I got to wiggle the thingamajig. So I wiggled the thingamajig.
And for some reason, the thingamajig wiggled.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
It didn't do anything.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
And so I was spinning loogies on the connectors, trying
to get a spark. I was trying everything. I was
like a caveman poking a fallen meteorite from somewhere outside
the Milky Way at a big stick and hoping I
would play like a bumper music or something. For several days,
(22:14):
this went on. The studio was only partially fixed. I
was able to do my hit in Edmonton in the studio.
But the thing was held together by electrical tape, prayer,
and my own sheer refusal to accept defeat. And as
always with these things, the answer was hiding in the
very last place that you looked, because once you find
(22:37):
the solution, there's no reason to look anymore. So after
days of agonizing frustration after contemplating the time-space continuum and
how it relates to the setup of a remote podcast
studio and thinking I should throw it out the second
floor window, I found it.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
What was it?
Speaker 3 (22:55):
The magic button. The magic button. I pressed it, and voila!
Everything worked perfectly. The remote studio is back to the
way it had been. Nine years or so of muscle
memory restored in a single click.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
The magic button. I went out. I had bought a
new mic cable, and I've never....
Speaker 3 (23:23):
I mean, listen, I've never been the guys, I got
to run out and buy all this stuff. I ran
out and bought a bunch of stuff. I added a
few other bells and whistles to enhance the setup. Some
of the stuff got returned. It doesn't matter. We're operational.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
We're loud. We're proud. We're back, baby. Not that you
knew any of this. I didn't yap about it.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
Now, along this magical journey, recovery, a trip down the
yellow brick road. We also added a brand new feature
to the studio. Now, we have not used the new feature.
We need a guinea pig to figure it out. I
believe this setup will finally allow us to get back
(24:07):
to our roots and record off the phone. Yes, we
can use the old cell phone, or if you have
a rotary phone, we can use that as well. For
months now, we have been pretty limited to doing mailbag
guests like Robbie the Mariner fan, Justin in Cincinnati, Terry
(24:28):
in England, all these cats.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
On the Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, which I don't mind Zoom.
Zoom is fine. It seems like it's.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Better used for corporate executives or people who possess basic
digital literacy. And I've realized that the audience, the core
of the audience, not exactly that group. But Zoom excludes
the very niche demographic that is the core of the
(25:00):
characters on the show. Ergo, we're talking about those who
happen to own Obama phones. Unfortunately for some of you,
this means that we will now have access to to
people like Weed Man Hippie, a man who, bless his heart,
does not know how to use technology, at least passwords.
(25:24):
He somehow manages to get on the YouTube.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
However, as we.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
Talked about briefly on the radio show, we tried to
get Weed Man to get Zoom, and it just didn't work.
So Weed Man Hippie does not have Zoom. He does
not have the ability to get Zoom. He doesn't own
a laptop. I'm not merely.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
I'm sitting here, I'm like, I'm not convinced that he
can breathe on his own. Right?
Speaker 3 (25:56):
I don't even know if he has electricity. He might
be an old world Mennonite, and he just has candles,
and that's it. And he doesn't have live electricity. However,
he does have a phone, an Obama phone. And there
is a number he can call, and we can do it.
(26:17):
If it works, if the gremlin truce holds, and there
is a nice truce with the gremlins, I'll finally get
the audio levels right, because right now I am D-O-N-E
with the many machines after this little episode that has
happened over the last however long. Now, I'm not necessarily
(26:40):
done with the AI tech overlords. That was a very
interesting experience. Pretty much, I'm just the dude, not the dude,
but the dude, sitting in a room, clutching a new
mic cable, fighting off the woodland demons that are out there.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
So wish me luck today.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
I'm going to need it. The Big Maller meet and greet.
Cannot wait for that. Going to be a lot of fun.
And so come one, come all. I'd say fun.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
For all ages.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
It's at a bar. And I always look forward to it.
I'm sure this will happen today. The dude that drags
the wife, the girlfriend, and that woman is mortified to
be there and questioning her decision to... dedicate parts of
her life huddled together with this man. Can't wait for that.
(27:33):
There's always somebody that brings a kid. Now, usually the
kids are pretty cool. There was a really nice event
that we had in Newport, Kentucky, and that was a
lot of fun. I'm not talking about that. The young kids,
they're into it. They got good energy.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
That's awesome.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Freaking awesome when we get that. And it doesn't happen
that often. It doesn't happen every once in a while.
Somebody will bring somebody, and it's like, okay, that's kind
of neat. You're like, okay, we're good on that. For example,
I think at the Newport, Kentucky thing, we had a
(28:14):
grand old time, and Dad brought his son, and it
was really cool.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
The teenagers, though, that's the one, right? That's like, what
are we doing? Why are you, you know, here? You're
a boomer. You're old. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
Anyway, on that note, we'll see what happens. And we'll
have the Sunday pod and all that. And so we
look forward to communicating with you tomorrow as this is
the last. I guess it's not the last Sunday because
there's that dead week before the NFL begins. But it's
getting close. We're getting close to real professional football. It's
(28:57):
going to be a lot of fun.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Anyway, have a great day.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Dick and Dayton would say, bye-bye, bye-bye. That's exactly what
he sounds like.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
No? That is not exactly? I thought that was? No? Okay.
See ya!
If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of
the old republic, a sole bastion of fairness. He treats
crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
pill poppers in the penthouse.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now. In
the air.
Speaker 3 (00:31):
Everywhere, the fifth hour with me, Ben Maller, and you,
and a happy Saturday. It is going to be a
really happy Saturday today. Man, am I fired up just
hours away from the event, the social event of the
year in Vegas, unless it's not. On this podcast, we've
(00:53):
got Comic-Con-like and the Gremlin Manifesto.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
But we begin with this.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
It is Saturday, August 29th, day number 241 of the year.
That means there are just 124 days left, if my
math is correct. The 35th week of the year, and
it is the biggest day on the calendar, kind of,
(01:20):
because it's on, that's right, Like Donkey Kong. Now, what
is it, you ask? That would be the Malheur meet-and-greet,
which will be taking place later today from 3 till
5 at the Stakeout Bar and Grill, if you somehow
have not heard that, right next to UNLV, where Jerry Tarkanian,
(01:42):
the running Rebels, put on the most exciting team.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
In college basketball when I was a kid, even though
they only won one championship, doesn't matter. Now, we're going
to be upstairs.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
It's multi-level at the Stakeout Bar and Grill. We're going
to go upstairs because apparently the Mahler Militia has finally risen.
to the upper levels of high society. It's like the
Royal ball, if you will. And if you've never been
to a Mallory meet and greet, we've done a lot
of them. You need to come out. It's a bucket
list item. This is a gathering that is kind of
(02:14):
like a family reunion, not a blood family. We're not
really related. It's like a family reunion where the entire
family was raised in the back of a Bass Pro
Shop in And we all communicate primarily by grunting and
howling at the moon.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
And that's about it.
Speaker 3 (02:33):
The production is being quarterbacked by our fearless leader for
this event, our friend Slug, a longtime loyal minion of
the Malheur Militia, veteran hostess with the mostest. And he
has put together some amazing events in Sin City. Having
(02:53):
Slug organize an event.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
It's like your buddy saying, don't worry, I got a guy. Remember,
we've talked about this. You got to have a guy
in life.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
You got to know somebody for every phase of life.
You need somebody who's good at fixing refrigerators.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
I got a guy, right? You need somebody that can
give you advice on cars. I got a guy.
Speaker 3 (03:14):
So then the guy walks in, it's slug, and somehow,
against all conventional wisdom, everything works out fine.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Everything will work out fine. We are fired up.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
For everyone who shows up, a number of big names
have RSVP'd. Now, I know Jay Scoop's.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
Going to be there. He's going to have some Mallard merch.
Speaker 3 (03:32):
Robbie the Mariner fan, who's essentially part of this podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
He's on it so much.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Lance the bus driver from a previous generation of callers.
Big Balls Bob, who was the star of last year's show.
Mouthwash Mike.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Dante.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
From Vegas, Tammy from Vegas, JT the Wingman from Tennessee,
Kyle and his magical glasses, our friends coming down from Vancouver.
and all of the other assorted insomniacs, radio degenerates, and
lovable oddballs who are my friends, who I'm forgetting, including
surfer Todd the Comedian, who will also be making an appearance.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
That is the beauty of these things.
Speaker 3 (04:12):
People who have been nothing more than just voices in
the night or a social media post with an odd
nickname and a fake avatar. suddenly materialize as actual human beings.
And I've mentioned this in the past. It's kind of
like Comic-Con for people with insomnia who yell at the radio. Officially,
(04:35):
the festivities will go from 3 o'clock and run until
5 p.m. That's the official on-the-record thing. That means you
can't complain if everyone leaves at 5 p.m. Now, unofficially,
we're probably still going to be there long after.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
And when.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
People start stacking chairs and giving us the universal restaurant
signal for please leave, you're at number one. There'll be food,
adult beverages available, of course, for purchase, karaoke, because apparently
civilization has advanced to the point where people voluntarily gather
(05:14):
in Nevada to hear middle-aged men scream Bon Jovi lyrics
at four in the afternoon.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
So that's where we are.
Speaker 3 (05:22):
Now, Vegas in August also gives you two options. Now,
we're recommending today you go to the Malheur.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Meet and Greet.
Speaker 3 (05:30):
The other option is to wander outside and participate in
the annual August ritual in Sin City.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
It's a heat stroke convention, and.
Speaker 3 (05:40):
You can become a member of the heat stroke fan
club just standing outside. Easy call to make. Free parking.
You got free parking. Now, what I love about.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
These gatherings, there's a lot of things I like about them,
even though I'm not the most social. It's not the bar.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
It's not the karaoke or even watching people discover what
their favorite radio weirdos look like.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
In three dimensions, it is the people.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
Radio is this odd little thing that we've got, and
we're holding on to it. No matter how much they try,
the industry tries to kick us in the nuts. We
sit in that studio talking about into these microphones, and
while you're doing your thing, cleaning toilets, driving trucks, making donuts,
stocking shelves, working security, delivering packages, driving Uber, delivering food
(06:32):
like Femi, our Uber Eats driver in Minnesota, or just
staring at the ceiling wondering why the hell you're awake
and why you cannot sleep. And then every so often
we all end up in the same place.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
We all end up in the same room.
Speaker 3 (06:49):
And for a couple of hours, the imaginary neighborhood becomes
a real Mr.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Rogers-like neighborhood. And it's going to be great. So we'll
see you upstairs. That's the plan. We'll see you upstairs.
Steakout Bar and Grill today. Look forward to it.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
Now, turning the page, turning the page on that, I
did want to address the Gremlin Manifesto. As you likely
learned in school, the four seasons of the year are spring, summer, autumn,
and winter. That's a kindergarten lesson.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
It's simple. It's neat. It is predictable.
Speaker 3 (07:30):
Now, in the world I live in, the world of
audio content, however, there are more than four seasons. We
have rating season, which is usually during the NFL. We
have preemption season. which also can be during the NFL.
We have the boss is looking at the budget season,
which means you might want to update your resume on
(07:50):
Express Pros because you're about to.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
Get whacked and decommissioned.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
And lately, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we have
been living in the season of the G. Now that
is capital G for gremlins. You heard it if you
were listening closely, not once but twice this week on
the mothership, the original recipe, Ben Maler show, under siege
(08:14):
from these little gremlins attacking the equipment. Because, of course,
as you know, the universe, they send creatures specifically designed
to ruin your day. And you mix them with the
influx of cockroaches who are likely eating the wires, and
(08:36):
you have a chef's kiss.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Mwah!
Speaker 2 (08:39):
Of audio agony.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Twice during my award-winning Mahler monologues. Now, the only awards
I've won are from Ferg Dogg and Mahler Prop Guy
and Alf. They're still important. And at some point, I
believe that Alf is going to get me eligible for
a solo Marconi award. And he'll also get me in
the Hall of Fame. Because my bosses aren't going to
(09:03):
do that. So I need Alf to help me out.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
He'll do it. He'll do it.
Speaker 3 (09:06):
So anyway, I was forced to abandon my post, as
you heard. I had to quickly scamper across the room.
I grabbed my computer, my headphones, my mic condom, because
I practice safe talk.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
And I was like being hit with ordnance.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Shrapnel was flying. The show must go on. I earned
a purple microphone, which I think is something that Prince
either sang about or won in the early 90s. So
you heard all this play out on live radio.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
We'll do it live. I'll talk. You listen.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Now, what you haven't heard is the rest of the story.
As the late, great Paul Harvey would say, good day. Yeah,
Paul was a legend. in radio most people have no
idea who he is these days but he was one
of the greats Paul Harvey these little commentaries five minute
commentaries which were wonderful so the fifth hour podcast a
(10:11):
labor of love I don't do it for the money
trust me if you knew how much I actually made
you would say why are you wasting your time But
I love it. I love to come in here and
change it up a little bit. So every weekend, three episodes,
no days off on the podcast.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
No days off. And as you are listening right now,
this podcast was under attack.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
And this is the global exclusive. Now, we're doing this
in Vegas, but the remote podcast studio. which has worked
almost flawlessly for nine years, finally tossed in the sponge, surrendered,
and said no mas. We put this thing together when
I was double dipping and working some nights remotely for
(11:00):
WEEI in Boston, back when I still had some hair,
back when my right knee did not.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Ache from the weather. which is just odd.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
And I, at that time, foolishly believed electronics had a soul.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
And I didn't have any issues for almost a decade.
I had no issues.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
And then about a week ago, the mic randomly stopped working.
I thought it was the mic. I couldn't hear anything
in my headphones. Everything was on the fritz. And I
was like, what is this? Now, I am a man
of simple needs. I need crunchy tacos once a week.
I need a clear line of straight sight to the television,
(11:48):
the remote control. And I need equipment in the remote
audio podcast studio that turns on when I press the
button labeled microphone.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
I need that. That's all I need.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
I do not want to know how it works. I
do not care about the internal combustion engine of an
audio interface.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Just work. Is that too much to ask? Well, yes.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
Recently, it's been too much to ask. Far too much
to ask. Now, I didn't know what to do. So
the thing stops working. I got three podcasts to do.
I'm completely lost. I was wandering into the wilderness of
signal flow something, phantom power, completely out.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Of my depth. Now, I will give you a random
fun fact by request.
Speaker 3 (12:42):
Alf says, Mallor, if you want me to get you
a Marconi, if you want me to nominate you for
the Hall of Fame or even some cheeseball podcast award,
I need a fun fact. So here is my fun
fact about me. And for the other people not named Alf,
I actually have an FCC license. And I'm not talking
about one I purchased on the dark web or on Teemu.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
It is true. You can stop laughing right now. I
have official government.
Speaker 3 (13:12):
Stamp paperwork proving that at one point in human history,
the United States federal government looked at me and said, yes,
let this man operate heavy broadcast machinery. I also have
a pass thanks to the pandemic, the martial law passed,
where if martial law happens, I'm allowed to leave my
(13:34):
house without getting shot. I can go through checkpoints and
go work because the American people need sports talk radio,
even during a situation.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
Where they use martial law. But I do have this
FCC license.
Speaker 3 (13:49):
It was long, long ago. It is long expired, mind you.
I had to get it.
Speaker 2 (13:56):
When I ran the.
Speaker 3 (13:57):
Board briefly at COGO in San Diego and the mighty 690,
the border blaster station from Baja, California to the Canadian Rockies. Now,
in those days, you had to pass a test. You
had to demonstrate basic human intelligence. Now, these days, all
these years later, you just have to have a pulse.
(14:20):
You just have to have a warm body. Honestly, sometimes
they'll even put a cold body in there in a pinch. Now,
if you can decay without knocking over the microphone as
your body rots, congratulations. You get the midnight shift in
market 246, which I believe is the smallest radio market
(14:43):
in America. That would be Grand Forks, North Dakota. Now,
if you want to know the power of of the
Ben Maller Show, and this is more of a fun
fact for our friend Sports with Coleman.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
We have gotten calls from Grand Forks, North Dakota, Market 246,
the smallest.
Speaker 3 (15:02):
Radio market, and I believe we're on a station in
Grand Forks. At least we were at one point. So anyway,
back to the story. So there I was, an FCC-certified idiot,
staring at a board full of knobs like someone, if
I'd been born in the 1800s trying to decipher a
(15:22):
microwave oven clock, it just, no, as much as I tried,
I couldn't get it to work. I looked at the soundboard.
The soundboard looked at me like, No chance. Why are
you bothering?
Speaker 2 (15:37):
I asked what was going on. I said, who's running
this place?
Speaker 3 (15:40):
One of the gremlins popped up from the back and said,
not you cue ball.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
And I was like, well, that's kind of rude. You
shouldn't say that. That's not, you know, come on.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
And you know, your podcast is struggling when even mythical
creatures try to shut it down.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Like what's the deal with the gremlins anyway? What is
their end game?
Speaker 3 (16:02):
They don't pay rent. They don't pay my salary. They
don't book guests. They just kind of sit there chewing
on fiber optic cables and ruining my day, destroying my equipment.
So my original plan, when in doubt, you got to
have a guy. My guy on the pod studio, the
(16:23):
remote pod studio, is Jake Warner. When it comes to
this kind of stuff, Jake is a genius. He's been
the audio engineer for the Dodgers, the Clippers, the Kings
over the years. He is the architect. He actually helped
build the original remote podcast studio brick by brick, cable
by cable. If anyone could save me from the brink
(16:46):
of audio extinction, it was my guy, Jake. However, there
was a turd in the punch bowl based on his
recent social media post.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
On the gram.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
My man, stay awake with Jake, had committed the ultimate
act of betrayal to a struggling radio host and podcaster.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
He ran off and got married, which meant.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Of course, that he was deep in that honeymoon phase,
completely unavailable to help a struggling, mostly bald, weekend, now
podcast guy, and just sitting.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
There trying to figure out, what did I do? And
I don't want to bother Jake. It's his time. He
got married. It's a big deal.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
And let him enjoy his time with his bride, and
I'll leave him alone. So while Jake was off, I
imagined sipping fruity drinks on a beach somewhere, living the
great life. While I was sitting in a dark room
surrounded by dead copper wires and broken.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Dreams, was I happy for Jake? Damn right I was
happy for Jake. Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
Do I forgive him for prioritizing lifelong marital bliss over
my gain knob?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 3 (18:05):
So with Jake out of the picture, things became truly pathetic.
I had reached rock bottom. I was hitting bedrock.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
I turned.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
to artificial intelligence. Yeah, I sat there staring at the screen,
talking to a machine, and.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Let me tell you something.
Speaker 3 (18:25):
I felt like I was talking to the god of tech,
the tech god. I asked a series of rapid-fire questions
for advice, and literally within half.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Of a second, half of a second, I got detailed
descriptions of flow charts, diagnostic questions, follow-up on what I
needed to do. I was like, you've got to be joking.
This is unbelievable.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
You go out to the store, you get the tech
support team, and it's like, what is going on here?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
The machine was polite.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
It was fast. It spoke to me in a woman's
British accent, which.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
That accent just makes you sound smarter. It just does.
Speaker 3 (19:14):
The British accent to an American ear, you're like, well,
you must be smarter. You've got that British accent. It
was vastly superior to me in every conceivable metric.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
It was crazy. It didn't mock my appearance.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
It didn't mention my complete lack of technical aptitude. It
just spat out answer after answer after answer. So does
that mean I solved my quagmire with AI?
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Not exactly. Because here's the rub on this. Because the problem.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
with AI, AI assumes that the human operating the machinery
has a baseline level of competence. It tells you to
check the bus routing or routing as if I know
what a bus is is in this context. I know Roberto,
the bus driver. I know Lance, the bus driver and
our buddy in the Pacific Northwest, who's now a bus driver.
(20:10):
To me, a bus is a large yellow vehicle that
carries children to school and Right. Children's school or get
stuck behind me when I'm already five minutes late for
a appointment to go see some random person. So I
was able to get some of the equipment working with AI. However,
(20:32):
it wasn't back to the way it had been. And
this bothered me quite a bit. It was hanging on
by a thread. There was a red button flashing that
seemed like it was a bomb.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And I was.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Holding on, rubbing the back of my head like, I
don't know what to do. So naturally, when in doubt,
you got to go old school. So I'm from the
old country, apparently. I didn't know that until I got
a little older. And by the old country, I mean
an era where if the television screen started bouncing.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
You didn't.
Speaker 3 (21:07):
Call a technician. You walked up to the side of
the console and you delivered a crisp right-handed haymaker to
the wooden cabinet. If that didn't work, you start kicking things.
And so I started kicking things. I started unplugging things.
I was hitting buttons with varying degrees of rage and desperation.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
I grabbed the doohickey. Well, that didn't work. Why didn't
the doohickey work? I don't know. I hit it. How
about the whatchamacallit? Twist the whatchamacallit. Okay.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
I had better luck if I had a whatchamacallit candy bar,
I would have had better luck. So then I was like, okay,
I got to wiggle the thingamajig. So I wiggled the thingamajig.
And for some reason, the thingamajig wiggled.
Speaker 2 (21:50):
It didn't do anything.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
And so I was spinning loogies on the connectors, trying
to get a spark. I was trying everything. I was
like a caveman poking a fallen meteorite from somewhere outside
the Milky Way at a big stick and hoping I
would play like a bumper music or something. For several days,
(22:14):
this went on. The studio was only partially fixed. I
was able to do my hit in Edmonton in the studio.
But the thing was held together by electrical tape, prayer,
and my own sheer refusal to accept defeat. And as
always with these things, the answer was hiding in the
very last place that you looked, because once you find
(22:37):
the solution, there's no reason to look anymore. So after
days of agonizing frustration after contemplating the time-space continuum and
how it relates to the setup of a remote podcast
studio and thinking I should throw it out the second
floor window, I found it.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
What was it?
Speaker 3 (22:55):
The magic button. The magic button. I pressed it, and voila!
Everything worked perfectly. The remote studio is back to the
way it had been. Nine years or so of muscle
memory restored in a single click.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
The magic button. I went out. I had bought a
new mic cable, and I've never....
Speaker 3 (23:23):
I mean, listen, I've never been the guys, I got
to run out and buy all this stuff. I ran
out and bought a bunch of stuff. I added a
few other bells and whistles to enhance the setup. Some
of the stuff got returned. It doesn't matter. We're operational.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
We're loud. We're proud. We're back, baby. Not that you
knew any of this. I didn't yap about it.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
Now, along this magical journey, recovery, a trip down the
yellow brick road. We also added a brand new feature
to the studio. Now, we have not used the new feature.
We need a guinea pig to figure it out. I
believe this setup will finally allow us to get back
(24:07):
to our roots and record off the phone. Yes, we
can use the old cell phone, or if you have
a rotary phone, we can use that as well. For
months now, we have been pretty limited to doing mailbag
guests like Robbie the Mariner fan, Justin in Cincinnati, Terry
(24:28):
in England, all these cats.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
On the Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, which I don't mind Zoom.
Zoom is fine. It seems like it's.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Better used for corporate executives or people who possess basic
digital literacy. And I've realized that the audience, the core
of the audience, not exactly that group. But Zoom excludes
the very niche demographic that is the core of the
(25:00):
characters on the show. Ergo, we're talking about those who
happen to own Obama phones. Unfortunately for some of you,
this means that we will now have access to to
people like Weed Man Hippie, a man who, bless his heart,
does not know how to use technology, at least passwords.
(25:24):
He somehow manages to get on the YouTube.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
However, as we.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
Talked about briefly on the radio show, we tried to
get Weed Man to get Zoom, and it just didn't work.
So Weed Man Hippie does not have Zoom. He does
not have the ability to get Zoom. He doesn't own
a laptop. I'm not merely.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
I'm sitting here, I'm like, I'm not convinced that he
can breathe on his own. Right?
Speaker 3 (25:56):
I don't even know if he has electricity. He might
be an old world Mennonite, and he just has candles,
and that's it. And he doesn't have live electricity. However,
he does have a phone, an Obama phone. And there
is a number he can call, and we can do it.
(26:17):
If it works, if the gremlin truce holds, and there
is a nice truce with the gremlins, I'll finally get
the audio levels right, because right now I am D-O-N-E
with the many machines after this little episode that has
happened over the last however long. Now, I'm not necessarily
(26:40):
done with the AI tech overlords. That was a very
interesting experience. Pretty much, I'm just the dude, not the dude,
but the dude, sitting in a room, clutching a new
mic cable, fighting off the woodland demons that are out there.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
So wish me luck today.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
I'm going to need it. The Big Maller meet and greet.
Cannot wait for that. Going to be a lot of fun.
And so come one, come all. I'd say fun.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
For all ages.
Speaker 3 (27:10):
It's at a bar. And I always look forward to it.
I'm sure this will happen today. The dude that drags
the wife, the girlfriend, and that woman is mortified to
be there and questioning her decision to... dedicate parts of
her life huddled together with this man. Can't wait for that.
(27:33):
There's always somebody that brings a kid. Now, usually the
kids are pretty cool. There was a really nice event
that we had in Newport, Kentucky, and that was a
lot of fun. I'm not talking about that. The young kids,
they're into it. They got good energy.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
That's awesome.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Freaking awesome when we get that. And it doesn't happen
that often. It doesn't happen every once in a while.
Somebody will bring somebody, and it's like, okay, that's kind
of neat. You're like, okay, we're good on that. For example,
I think at the Newport, Kentucky thing, we had a
(28:14):
grand old time, and Dad brought his son, and it
was really cool.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
The teenagers, though, that's the one, right? That's like, what
are we doing? Why are you, you know, here? You're
a boomer. You're old. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
Anyway, on that note, we'll see what happens. And we'll
have the Sunday pod and all that. And so we
look forward to communicating with you tomorrow as this is
the last. I guess it's not the last Sunday because
there's that dead week before the NFL begins. But it's
getting close. We're getting close to real professional football. It's
(28:57):
going to be a lot of fun.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Anyway, have a great day.
Speaker 3 (29:00):
Dick and Dayton would say, bye-bye, bye-bye. That's exactly what
he sounds like.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
No? That is not exactly? I thought that was? No? Okay.
See ya!
Host
Ben Maller
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