June 5, 2026 • 14 mins
On this episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy discusses why being alone is better than staying in an unhappy relationship. Chances are many of you have experienced an unhappy relationship before, but for some reason we stay longer than we should. Change can be scary, but freeing yourself for a fulfilling life in which you feel appreciated, valued and loved makes any change worth it. So today Tommy is sharing some stories from dating in his 20’s to pass on lessons learned when it comes to deciding if a relationship is no longer serving you in hopes that we can all find the courage to choose what is best for our futures.
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Producers: Andrew Pugliese & Stephanie Lane
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, guys, Welcome to another episode of Tommy Talk. And
today's topic is is it better to be alone than
in an unhappy relationship? So I wanted to talk about
this today because I recently had dinner with a friend
who I haven't seen in over a decade. We used
to work together, we had a great friendship, and this
(00:21):
person really watched me go through the ups and downs
of a relationship I was in in my twenties and
saw all the changes that came throughout those years and
what happened when that relationship ended and so on, and
it got me reminiscing about that time in my life.
And I remember thinking over the years about that relationship, like, man,
(00:42):
I wasted so much time in so many years in
something that I truly was unhappy in, and I would
kind of beat myself up about it, and I never
really vocalized that at the time. I never even really
shared it with friends or family at the time, because
I always wanted to present like everything was great and
everything was all right. I don't know why I felt
the need to present that way. It's very interesting, but
(01:04):
I remember distinctly at that time wanting to have that
facade that everything was perfect, so I never really opens
up about it. And I was living in a very
unhappy relationship. So this friend and I were just kind
of talking about that. And I don't like that perspective
of I wasted so much time, because I don't think
that's true. I think that everything leads you to where
(01:24):
you're meant to be, and I would not be where
I am today had I not gone through all of that,
and I maybe wouldn't appreciate my marriage as much as
I do today, and maybe I wouldn't have known when
something was so right, you know, versus when it was
so wrong. So there's a lot that came from that
period in my life that I believe is truly good.
But man man was at an unhappy, unhappy relationship for me,
(01:49):
and I'm not knocking this person. We were young, and
you know, people have different ways of moving through a relationship.
We just were not compatible, that was the bottom line.
And I felt like I was living a life that
I should be living and not one that I truly
wanted to live. I remember feeling like that, like I
needed to do certain things because that's what you do
(02:11):
in a relationship. And as I was going through my twenties.
It was like, Okay, I'm growing up, I'm growing older.
I'm sure this is all the norm. People must not
really be happy in relationships, that must be part of it. Like,
I just didn't know what to really think or feel.
It was a very confusing time in my life. And
(02:31):
you know, I wanted to talk about this today because
being in a relationship it doesn't automatically mean you're less lonely.
That's not true. It's not true at all, because some
of the deepest loneliness people feel can happen next to
somebody who you feel like doesn't understand you or value you,
or show up for you emotionally or physically or spiritually,
(02:54):
or whatever the case may be. And these were all
things I felt in that first relationship. Now, let me
make it very clear, none of this is about my
marriage today. I am so fucking happy and on cloud
nine with that. But I wanted to talk about kind
of my life before that for a second. And that
relationship that I'm referring to was the first long term
(03:15):
thing I was in, so I really didn't know what
I was doing, and I didn't know what was right
or what was wrong. So that was all a very
interesting point in my life. But you know, I also
understand that being alone can be scary for many people
because that comes with its own fears, you know, silence.
It can be a scary thing sitting in silence, uncertainty,
(03:37):
the loss of a routine of you know, a shared
life together, of shared friends together, all of that can
be really freaky when you think of being alone. So
I understand all of that too, And at the end
of the day, when I think about what I went
through in that relationship, I was afraid to change the
life I had built because the life was set. Schedules
were set, friendship circles were set, everything was set. And
(04:01):
the idea of blowing that all up and starting basically
from the ground up, building a whole new life on
my own was scary. It was truly scary until it
wasn't anymore, until the unhappiness and the loneliness creeped in
so deeply and so strongly, where it was just like,
what are we doing? Like this isn't working. We're not happy.
(04:21):
I'm not happy, You're not happy. This isn't working. It's
not fair to keep going at this. It's just not
And there are many times looking back at that relationship
where I can distinctly remember feeling so lonely and so unhappy,
and it was everything from you know, at the end
of the day, feeling like there was nothing to talk about,
(04:44):
just sitting in silence with absolutely nothing to talk about.
I remember feeling like do you not want to hear
about my day? Was? Do you not care? And that
feeling of like, Wow, I'm in a room with someone,
but I feel like I'm alone. I felt that a
lot at the end the day. I remember also feeling
like interests were just so not aligned anymore, and that
(05:06):
the idea of sitting on the couch playing on your
iPad on a Saturday for hours and hours and hours
was more interesting than making a plan to go do
something together. And that felt super lonely, and it felt
like we were just two people going through life in
totally opposite directions. We didn't grow together, we grew apart.
(05:27):
We didn't want to grow together. I think is the truth.
I think that is the truth because the direction that
this person was growing in is not a direction I
wanted to go in. I was going in a different direction.
I feel like I lost my true passions in life
during that period, and I kind of stepped away from
them to live this life I thought I should be living,
(05:47):
and that created a lot of sadness for me and
resentment as well, because there was no encouraging of doing
the things that I wanted to do and that I
felt like I needed to do and was born to do.
It was more of, you know, providing a stable and
safe life for that relationship, and I lost myself in
(06:07):
that capacity. I really did. I was very, very heavily
in the corporate world at the time, which is not me.
I'm you know now in the entertainment space, and I
always wanted to be back in this space, but I
just did it for years and years and years. Yes,
I had some awful experiences in the business in the
entertainment space which kind of led me to it, but
(06:28):
then when I was in it, and I expressed my
unhappiness over the years, so there really was no encouragement
to go seek out the things that I really wanted
to do that would make me feel good. So I
lost that piece of who I was too all because
I felt like I had to build this life that meant,
you know, work a nine to five, have dinner on
the table, and it just became a life that wasn't
(06:51):
for me anymore. It really really became that. And one
of the biggest things I remember is, you know, we
lived in the city in New York, and we were
constantly New York to go do things that this person
wanted to do, mainly related to his family, which I'm
all about family, but every single weekend to make a
plan like that, it's like, well, wait a minute, you're
not You're not asking me if I want to see
(07:13):
my friends here in the city or if I want
to do things here. And it became all about that,
and I just I will never forget sitting in this
person's family's home one weekend on the couch with like
the two dogs on me and the family all around,
who was a lovely like absolutely lovely, but thinking this
(07:33):
isn't the life I signed up for, This isn't why
I moved to New York, Like, this isn't what I want.
But I suppressed it. I suppressed it and suppressed it
and suppressed it because you think, while I have a
good life, everyone's healthy, you know, why should I complain?
This just must be how it is, until again, that
voice inside your head is so loud where it's like,
I can't do this anymore, I cannot do this anymore.
(07:56):
Loneliness is it's not worth it. It's absolutely not worth it.
And look, if being alone means you have space to
heal or rediscover who you are and gain back that
person that you know you lost, that you know you lost,
and rebuild your sense of worth, then I do believe
(08:19):
it can be healthier than staying in something that's consistently
hurting you or making you feel bad about yourself, or
making you feel like you don't have value or worth.
It's not worth it. It's really not worth it. And yes,
being alone can feel like you're isolated or maybe you
don't have support, but that's why you can build connection elsewhere.
(08:41):
That connection can come in so many forms. It doesn't
have to come in a relationship, by a romantic relationship.
It can come from friends which are so important, which
which I honestly feel like I was pulled away from
in that relationship. People that I loved I didn't get
to see as much because the person didn't really care to.
So you can build that connection through your friendships. You
(09:01):
can build that connection through family, you can build that
connection through community. Through clubs, through gyms, through church, through
dance classes, through whatever the case may be. You can
find that connection so that you don't feel alone. Because
connection is so important in any way, shape or form,
and I believe that humans are not meant to go
(09:23):
through life being completely disconnected. We need that connection. And
connection is not social media. It is not. Yes, in
many ways, you can find your tribe and find groups
of people that you're aligned with, but you need human interaction,
human connection. It is so incredibly important. So that's why
when I think about is it better to be alone
(09:46):
than in an unhappy relationship, my answer is always going
to be a resounding yes, Yes, Yes, yes, it is
better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship. Also
because you don't want to then bring children into an
unhappy relationship because it's not fair to them and that's
not a great model of a relationship for them either.
(10:08):
And I will say that when we ended things and
I had that kind of final like, oh my god,
I'm single and on my own, I was sad for
the changes because I just it was a lot happening
very quickly. So I wasn't sad the relationship ended. I
felt sad that were so much changing very quickly, But
I remember also feeling very free and very liberated, like,
(10:30):
oh my god, I can now do the things I
want to do. I can now follow whoever I want
on Instagram, like without it being a problem. Like there
were so many things that I felt like I couldn't
do that I could now do. And ending that relationship,
us choosing to end that opened the door for something
so unexpected and so wild that I never ever ever
(10:52):
could have seen it coming. And that's meeting Geo, who
is my husband, who I've been together with eleven years
and ten years married, Like wasn't looking, didn't want it,
and then it just kind of happened. And because I
knew what felt so wrong and bad and like what
a relationship shouldn't feel like from that situation I was in,
(11:13):
I now knew that all the feelings I was feeling
when I met Geo, like whoa, whoa dude, this is
what this is supposed to feel like, this is what
a relationship and love and interest is supposed to feel
like like holy crap, I can now appreciate it. I
can hold on to it, I could invest in it,
I could take a chance on it and I ended
up being with GEO just weeks later. Never would have
(11:36):
planned it. A few friends and family in my life
were like, are you okay? Are you having a breakdown?
And I'm like, no, I'm having fun and let's see
where this all goes. And we felt very fast and
very hard for each other. And it was twofold. I
think it was one. I was very unhappy for a
long time in my former situation, so you know, it's
it's I was checked out mentally, even though I wasn't
checked out in the relationship. I just like I knew
(11:58):
it wasn't for me for a while while before it
officially ended. And two I knew this was so right.
I mean, I literally met the person of my dreams unexpectedly.
So that's also a really cool thing, is if you
end something that you're not happy, and it opens the
door for all the most wonderful and magical things that
could come your way that you would never ever ever expect,
(12:19):
and you deserve that. You deserve to have the life
you dream of and you want it. And by the way,
like I said, I wasn't looking for it. I was
fully ready and prepared to be single as long as
I needed or wanted to be like, there was no
desire to jump into anything until I ended up meeting
someone that I was like, oh no, I kind of
want to see where this goes. So that's my TED
(12:40):
talk on being so passionate about it. Yes, it is
better to be alone than being in an unhappy relationship
because we all deserve to feel our best, and we
deserve to be in something that makes us feel like
we're valued and worshiped and loved and adored in the
ways that we should be and leaving something behind opens
the door for an amazing possibility for your future. So
(13:03):
never forget your worth, never forget that you deserve to
have that amazing connection. And if it's not in a
relationship form or you're not looking for a relationship, that's
cool too. Connection happens, as I said earlier, with friendships, family, community,
and that's all valid and important as well. So here's
to surrounding ourselves with the people in our lives that
truly truly fills our tank and makes us feel our best.
(13:30):
I've never said this before. Is hosted by me Tommy Dederio.
This podcast is executive produced by Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio
and by Me Tommy, with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've
Never Said this Before is part of the Elvis Duran
podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts for more, rate, review and
subscribe to our show and if you liked this episode,
(13:53):
tell your friends. Until next time, I'm Tommy Dedario s
Hey, guys, Welcome to another episode of Tommy Talk. And
today's topic is is it better to be alone than
in an unhappy relationship? So I wanted to talk about
this today because I recently had dinner with a friend
who I haven't seen in over a decade. We used
to work together, we had a great friendship, and this
(00:21):
person really watched me go through the ups and downs
of a relationship I was in in my twenties and
saw all the changes that came throughout those years and
what happened when that relationship ended and so on, and
it got me reminiscing about that time in my life.
And I remember thinking over the years about that relationship, like, man,
(00:42):
I wasted so much time in so many years in
something that I truly was unhappy in, and I would
kind of beat myself up about it, and I never
really vocalized that at the time. I never even really
shared it with friends or family at the time, because
I always wanted to present like everything was great and
everything was all right. I don't know why I felt
the need to present that way. It's very interesting, but
(01:04):
I remember distinctly at that time wanting to have that
facade that everything was perfect, so I never really opens
up about it. And I was living in a very
unhappy relationship. So this friend and I were just kind
of talking about that. And I don't like that perspective
of I wasted so much time, because I don't think
that's true. I think that everything leads you to where
(01:24):
you're meant to be, and I would not be where
I am today had I not gone through all of that,
and I maybe wouldn't appreciate my marriage as much as
I do today, and maybe I wouldn't have known when
something was so right, you know, versus when it was
so wrong. So there's a lot that came from that
period in my life that I believe is truly good.
But man man was at an unhappy, unhappy relationship for me,
(01:49):
and I'm not knocking this person. We were young, and
you know, people have different ways of moving through a relationship.
We just were not compatible, that was the bottom line.
And I felt like I was living a life that
I should be living and not one that I truly
wanted to live. I remember feeling like that, like I
needed to do certain things because that's what you do
(02:11):
in a relationship. And as I was going through my twenties.
It was like, Okay, I'm growing up, I'm growing older.
I'm sure this is all the norm. People must not
really be happy in relationships, that must be part of it. Like,
I just didn't know what to really think or feel.
It was a very confusing time in my life. And
(02:31):
you know, I wanted to talk about this today because
being in a relationship it doesn't automatically mean you're less lonely.
That's not true. It's not true at all, because some
of the deepest loneliness people feel can happen next to
somebody who you feel like doesn't understand you or value you,
or show up for you emotionally or physically or spiritually,
(02:54):
or whatever the case may be. And these were all
things I felt in that first relationship. Now, let me
make it very clear, none of this is about my
marriage today. I am so fucking happy and on cloud
nine with that. But I wanted to talk about kind
of my life before that for a second. And that
relationship that I'm referring to was the first long term
(03:15):
thing I was in, so I really didn't know what
I was doing, and I didn't know what was right
or what was wrong. So that was all a very
interesting point in my life. But you know, I also
understand that being alone can be scary for many people
because that comes with its own fears, you know, silence.
It can be a scary thing sitting in silence, uncertainty,
(03:37):
the loss of a routine of you know, a shared
life together, of shared friends together, all of that can
be really freaky when you think of being alone. So
I understand all of that too, And at the end
of the day, when I think about what I went
through in that relationship, I was afraid to change the
life I had built because the life was set. Schedules
were set, friendship circles were set, everything was set. And
(04:01):
the idea of blowing that all up and starting basically
from the ground up, building a whole new life on
my own was scary. It was truly scary until it
wasn't anymore, until the unhappiness and the loneliness creeped in
so deeply and so strongly, where it was just like,
what are we doing? Like this isn't working. We're not happy.
(04:21):
I'm not happy, You're not happy. This isn't working. It's
not fair to keep going at this. It's just not
And there are many times looking back at that relationship
where I can distinctly remember feeling so lonely and so unhappy,
and it was everything from you know, at the end
of the day, feeling like there was nothing to talk about,
(04:44):
just sitting in silence with absolutely nothing to talk about.
I remember feeling like do you not want to hear
about my day? Was? Do you not care? And that
feeling of like, Wow, I'm in a room with someone,
but I feel like I'm alone. I felt that a
lot at the end the day. I remember also feeling
like interests were just so not aligned anymore, and that
(05:06):
the idea of sitting on the couch playing on your
iPad on a Saturday for hours and hours and hours
was more interesting than making a plan to go do
something together. And that felt super lonely, and it felt
like we were just two people going through life in
totally opposite directions. We didn't grow together, we grew apart.
(05:27):
We didn't want to grow together. I think is the truth.
I think that is the truth because the direction that
this person was growing in is not a direction I
wanted to go in. I was going in a different direction.
I feel like I lost my true passions in life
during that period, and I kind of stepped away from
them to live this life I thought I should be living,
(05:47):
and that created a lot of sadness for me and
resentment as well, because there was no encouraging of doing
the things that I wanted to do and that I
felt like I needed to do and was born to do.
It was more of, you know, providing a stable and
safe life for that relationship, and I lost myself in
(06:07):
that capacity. I really did. I was very, very heavily
in the corporate world at the time, which is not me.
I'm you know now in the entertainment space, and I
always wanted to be back in this space, but I
just did it for years and years and years. Yes,
I had some awful experiences in the business in the
entertainment space which kind of led me to it, but
(06:28):
then when I was in it, and I expressed my
unhappiness over the years, so there really was no encouragement
to go seek out the things that I really wanted
to do that would make me feel good. So I
lost that piece of who I was too all because
I felt like I had to build this life that meant,
you know, work a nine to five, have dinner on
the table, and it just became a life that wasn't
(06:51):
for me anymore. It really really became that. And one
of the biggest things I remember is, you know, we
lived in the city in New York, and we were
constantly New York to go do things that this person
wanted to do, mainly related to his family, which I'm
all about family, but every single weekend to make a
plan like that, it's like, well, wait a minute, you're
not You're not asking me if I want to see
(07:13):
my friends here in the city or if I want
to do things here. And it became all about that,
and I just I will never forget sitting in this
person's family's home one weekend on the couch with like
the two dogs on me and the family all around,
who was a lovely like absolutely lovely, but thinking this
(07:33):
isn't the life I signed up for, This isn't why
I moved to New York, Like, this isn't what I want.
But I suppressed it. I suppressed it and suppressed it
and suppressed it because you think, while I have a
good life, everyone's healthy, you know, why should I complain?
This just must be how it is, until again, that
voice inside your head is so loud where it's like,
I can't do this anymore, I cannot do this anymore.
(07:56):
Loneliness is it's not worth it. It's absolutely not worth it.
And look, if being alone means you have space to
heal or rediscover who you are and gain back that
person that you know you lost, that you know you lost,
and rebuild your sense of worth, then I do believe
(08:19):
it can be healthier than staying in something that's consistently
hurting you or making you feel bad about yourself, or
making you feel like you don't have value or worth.
It's not worth it. It's really not worth it. And yes,
being alone can feel like you're isolated or maybe you
don't have support, but that's why you can build connection elsewhere.
(08:41):
That connection can come in so many forms. It doesn't
have to come in a relationship, by a romantic relationship.
It can come from friends which are so important, which
which I honestly feel like I was pulled away from
in that relationship. People that I loved I didn't get
to see as much because the person didn't really care to.
So you can build that connection through your friendships. You
(09:01):
can build that connection through family, you can build that
connection through community. Through clubs, through gyms, through church, through
dance classes, through whatever the case may be. You can
find that connection so that you don't feel alone. Because
connection is so important in any way, shape or form,
and I believe that humans are not meant to go
(09:23):
through life being completely disconnected. We need that connection. And
connection is not social media. It is not. Yes, in
many ways, you can find your tribe and find groups
of people that you're aligned with, but you need human interaction,
human connection. It is so incredibly important. So that's why
when I think about is it better to be alone
(09:46):
than in an unhappy relationship, my answer is always going
to be a resounding yes, Yes, Yes, yes, it is
better to be alone than in an unhappy relationship. Also
because you don't want to then bring children into an
unhappy relationship because it's not fair to them and that's
not a great model of a relationship for them either.
(10:08):
And I will say that when we ended things and
I had that kind of final like, oh my god,
I'm single and on my own, I was sad for
the changes because I just it was a lot happening
very quickly. So I wasn't sad the relationship ended. I
felt sad that were so much changing very quickly, But
I remember also feeling very free and very liberated, like,
(10:30):
oh my god, I can now do the things I
want to do. I can now follow whoever I want
on Instagram, like without it being a problem. Like there
were so many things that I felt like I couldn't
do that I could now do. And ending that relationship,
us choosing to end that opened the door for something
so unexpected and so wild that I never ever ever
(10:52):
could have seen it coming. And that's meeting Geo, who
is my husband, who I've been together with eleven years
and ten years married, Like wasn't looking, didn't want it,
and then it just kind of happened. And because I
knew what felt so wrong and bad and like what
a relationship shouldn't feel like from that situation I was in,
(11:13):
I now knew that all the feelings I was feeling
when I met Geo, like whoa, whoa dude, this is
what this is supposed to feel like, this is what
a relationship and love and interest is supposed to feel
like like holy crap, I can now appreciate it. I
can hold on to it, I could invest in it,
I could take a chance on it and I ended
up being with GEO just weeks later. Never would have
(11:36):
planned it. A few friends and family in my life
were like, are you okay? Are you having a breakdown?
And I'm like, no, I'm having fun and let's see
where this all goes. And we felt very fast and
very hard for each other. And it was twofold. I
think it was one. I was very unhappy for a
long time in my former situation, so you know, it's
it's I was checked out mentally, even though I wasn't
checked out in the relationship. I just like I knew
(11:58):
it wasn't for me for a while while before it
officially ended. And two I knew this was so right.
I mean, I literally met the person of my dreams unexpectedly.
So that's also a really cool thing, is if you
end something that you're not happy, and it opens the
door for all the most wonderful and magical things that
could come your way that you would never ever ever expect,
(12:19):
and you deserve that. You deserve to have the life
you dream of and you want it. And by the way,
like I said, I wasn't looking for it. I was
fully ready and prepared to be single as long as
I needed or wanted to be like, there was no
desire to jump into anything until I ended up meeting
someone that I was like, oh no, I kind of
want to see where this goes. So that's my TED
(12:40):
talk on being so passionate about it. Yes, it is
better to be alone than being in an unhappy relationship
because we all deserve to feel our best, and we
deserve to be in something that makes us feel like
we're valued and worshiped and loved and adored in the
ways that we should be and leaving something behind opens
the door for an amazing possibility for your future. So
(13:03):
never forget your worth, never forget that you deserve to
have that amazing connection. And if it's not in a
relationship form or you're not looking for a relationship, that's
cool too. Connection happens, as I said earlier, with friendships, family, community,
and that's all valid and important as well. So here's
to surrounding ourselves with the people in our lives that
truly truly fills our tank and makes us feel our best.
(13:30):
I've never said this before. Is hosted by me Tommy Dederio.
This podcast is executive produced by Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio
and by Me Tommy, with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've
Never Said this Before is part of the Elvis Duran
podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts for more, rate, review and
subscribe to our show and if you liked this episode,
(13:53):
tell your friends. Until next time, I'm Tommy Dedario s
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Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com