July 17, 2026 • 14 mins
On this episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy dives into the red flags of one-sided friendships, drawing from his own personal experiences. Healthy friendships should feel mutual and energizing while one-sided friendships often feel emotionally exhausting and uncertain. One question I have come back to time and time again is: “Am I holding onto who someone is or who they once were?” It’s a question that has been incredibly eye-opening in helping me evaluate who my true friends really are. Wanting a friendship built on mutual care, respect, and effort isn’t asking for too much, it’s a healthy and reasonable expectation. So let’s dive into exploring the signs of one-sided friendships to help you recognize what you truly deserve in the relationships you choose to keep.
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Producers: Andrew Pugliese, Stephanie Lane, Celia Romano
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today's topic is
one sided friendships. So in past Tommy Talks, I've told
you about a friend breakup and when it's time to
let go of a friendship. And it's something that I
dealt with in a big way last year. And I
(00:23):
haven't really thought much about this person. They're not part
of my everyday life. I genuinely don't have ill feelings
towards this person, like I feel like my life is
better off without them. Minute I don't miss them. I
don't miss the drama and the you know, angst and
stress that came from that friendship. So I really feel
like I've been in a great place without it. Well, recently,
(00:45):
I was at an event that I was working at
and I saw this person across the room. So what
happened was I was interviewing a lot of people. It
was getting really busy, really crazy. I had a moment
in between interviews and I look up and I see
one of my friends across the way. They don't see me.
Otherwise I obviously would have waved and I couldn't have
run over because I was busy getting ready for my
(01:06):
next interview. But I look to my right, and I
see this former friend who is staring at me, like
lock eyes looking at me. And before I could even
raise a hand to do like a gentle wave because
that's the classic thing to do, or I don't know,
mouth hello something, this person looks the other way really quickly,
(01:27):
just like totally just darts the other way and looks
the other way as if like I don't know, I
guess it was a snub, just like a total snub.
And I'm sitting there thinking, my god, how immature are you?
Like we are all at a place where I'm here
doing my job, you're here doing your job. We're not
friends anymore, But is a hello the hardest thing in
(01:48):
the world for you to do. I don't want to
go run up to you and hug you and talk
to you, but I can wave a hello or say hello,
how are you? Something very simple, and you know, well
leave it at that. The fact that this person was
so dramatic and darted eyes and acted like, you know,
they just saw the devil in me, I'm like, come on, like,
(02:11):
come on, this is so childish and so immature, and
further legitimizes many reasons why we're no longer friends. So
it got me thinking about this topic of a one
sided friendship because then I went home and I was
sharing the story with some friends and the idea of
that whole friendship being one sided came up, and I'm like, oh,
(02:33):
you know what, I think a lot of us go
through this. I think a lot of us have had
people in our lives where we hold on to something
that isn't quite what it once was, or we give
everything we can in that friendship but we get nothing back,
and it feels very one sided. And I think it's
worth talking about because I feel like in a friendship
(02:53):
it has to be reciprocal, like you need to get
what you deserve out of it as well. So what
is a one sided friendship in my opinion, Well, I
think that means you're usually the one always reaching out first,
always always always reaching out first, Conversations highly revolve around
(03:14):
them and not you at all. It's like, hello, are
you interested in my life at all? Like you haven't
asked me one question and you know things are going
on in my life and you haven't followed up about
any of them. That was a problem with this particular
person who knew there were some really upsetting things going
on and hard things going on for me at the
time that I poured my heart out in sharing, which
(03:38):
by the way, wasn't asked of me. I just kind
of on my own volunteer that information. Because this person
never asked me questions, I had to just say them myself,
and then there was never a follow up about it,
which is so bizarre because if someone told me the
things that I told this person, I would be like,
are you okay? How are you? Are you feeling good? Nothing? Nothing,
So conversations usually revolve around them in a way one sided friendship,
(04:02):
and then kind of piggybacking off of that. They're usually
unavailable when you need support and in your most trying
times when you need somebody to lean on, when you're
looking for them for a little comfort, they're not there.
They're not there to give it. They're either mia not
answering the phone, not acknowledging what you're saying, don't really
(04:23):
care what you're saying, acting like what you're saying is
no big deal. But then they expect you to show
up for them and their times of need. I mean,
it's ultimate gaslighting. And that is something that happened with
this person, they suddenly felt like they had some sort
of issue going on in their life and lashed out
against me, accusing me of not being there for them.
(04:44):
And I'm like, wait a minute, I've been there for
you throughout the whole course of our friendship, and let's
talk about the twenty five times I needed you when
you weren't there. So it's just like this total unbalance
and it's gaslighting, and it's like they are not capable
of being available when you truly need them. But hey,
you better show up for them when they need you,
or you're the worst person in the world. Plans only
(05:07):
kind of happen if you initiate them. That's very one sided.
Now everybody gets busy, so I think you have to
take that one with a grain of salt. And some
people are just more of a planner or more of
an initiator, Like I'm maybe not the biggest planner. Like
I have some friends who are like, let's get dinner
on the books three months from now, and I love
that because that's just not me. So I think that's
really cool. But you, at least if you're not that
(05:29):
huge planner, like check in show someone you care. Message
them on Instagram, text them, call them like there are
ways to show you care. So it's nice to feel
like plans happen because two people want them to happen
and work towards them happening. And I guess, lastly, while
there's probably so many more, but the last thing coming
to mind right now is when you hang out with
(05:50):
this person, you maybe feel exhausted or unappreciated or unfulfilled
or drained because they monopolize all the time that you
have with them and make it about them right, or
they're complaining NonStop, or it's like the show, like I
always say, some people have plug in their name. Let's
(06:12):
say Tommy, it's the Tommy Show. Although please don't I
hope you don't view me like this, but it's like
all about them, and it's crazy and chaos, and you know,
it's just a lot like you leave those interactions being like, WHOA,
I need quiet, I need calm because that was totally
draining and I don't think this person really cared about
anything I did or had to say, Like it's very exhausting.
(06:33):
So those are all huge signs of a one sided friendship.
And I stand by the fact that I think healthy
friendships feel mutual, feel energizing, whereas one side it feels
the opposite. They feel draining and kind of like uncertain
every time you hang out with this person, what are
you gonna get? What kind of mood are you gonna get?
(06:53):
What's gonna happen? So, I don't know, in a friendship,
it shouldn't be that hard. There shouldn't be that many
question marks and walking on eggshells, like life is crazy.
You want your friendship time to be fun and breezy
and light and you know, laugh and have just total
enjoyment and time spent together. And yeah, there'll be times
(07:15):
when we're all going through hard times and you lean
on each other and you want that. You want support,
unconditional love and support. That's what a real friendship is.
So if you feel like you're in a one sided friendship,
like I very much did, they're very very important things
that you should do to protect your piece, to protect
your mental health, to protect your space. Number one is
pull back, Like pull back even in the beginning, pull
(07:36):
back slightly and see if they notice, see if they
pursue you a little bit, or maybe they don't, and
maybe they don't care. And maybe they want you to
pull back or letting you pull back, I should say,
and it's like, WHOA, Like you truly don't care that
I'm not around as much. I guess you don't value
this as much. That's a really interesting kind of telltale sign.
(07:59):
You can always communicate directly, like Hey, I feel like
I'm always the one reaching out, or I'm always the
one making plans, or I'm always the one asking you
how are you or what's going on with you? Or
I'm always the one supporting you when you're sad, like
why aren't you doing any of that for me? Fair warning,
the person that I'm no longer friends with can't handle that,
Like anything you say is an attack, So wouldn't it
have worked? And it would be fruitless because incapable of
(08:22):
having an emotional intelligent conversation. But there are a lot
of people that you can have that conversation, So it's
worth trying. If it's a friendship that means something to
you and you think the person can be receptive, it's
worth trying to communicate directly with them. And look if
if it's someone in your life who you don't want
to lose and they're not doing anything that detrimental to you.
(08:43):
You can always adjust your expectations, like if you want
to keep them as a more casual connection, and you're like, look,
I'm not going to rely on this person. I'm not
gonna make plans. I'm not going to go out of
my way a lot. But will I see them for
a meal once a year or twice a year, sure,
Like I still want to have a slight connection to them.
That's fine too. You need to find what you want
out of that friendship and the level of intimacy you
want out of that friendship. For me, this person we
(09:06):
were like it was like a sibling, Like we were
so close, and I realized I don't want them in
my life at all because of how they were acting
and treating not only me but other people, and how
they were walking through this life. And I'm like, you
know what, this energy ain't for me. I don't want
that in my life. I decided that for me. But
you have to decide for you the level of a
(09:26):
relationship you do or don't want. Do you want to
kind of say this chapter is closed, we're done, or
do you want someone as a loose friend. I mean,
that's all up to you. I can't tell you that,
but at the end of the day, you need to
do what's right for you, or as I was just
kind of alluding to, you, kind of need to step
away if it consistently, consistently leaves you feeling undervalued and
(09:47):
drained and bad and not great about you as a person,
and you're like, why am I hanging out with this person?
What am I doing? They don't reflect my values, my morals,
who I am anymore. It might be time to step away,
and that's okay too. Some friendships have a season or
many seasons, and they're not forever, and some friendships are forever.
I have some friendships in my life that are forever,
(10:08):
like they have been my rides or dies. You know
who you are. I have some friends I've met later
in life who I love and I can't imagine life
ever with. And then I have people who I'm no
longer friends with from over the years for variety of
different reasons, and not a lot, but just a couple,
and that's okay too. That's okay too, because who they
are has changed so drastically, not for the better in
(10:30):
my opinion, and I can't align myself with that I
really can't. So all this to say is with friendship. Look,
it doesn't mean that if you're not really gelling with
someone anymore that they're like a horrible, malicious, bad person.
Sometimes people are just unaware. Sometimes they're emotionally unavailable. Sometimes
they're just not invested and they don't know how to
(10:51):
be a good friend. But the effect on you is
what matters the most. And by the way, sometimes all
of that may be true. But also some time there
are people who just aren't good people in this world.
I hate to say that because I always see the
good in people, and it pains me to say that.
Oh little alarm in New York, sorry about that, but
oh gosh, prayers for everyone being okay. But anyway, I
(11:15):
think it's okay to look at some people as like
they're not a bad person, it's just not working for me.
Or if you really do need to step away and
someone is toxic, that is true too. Both can be true,
both can be true, But at the end of the day,
the effect they're making on you is what matters. It's
what matters most. And the last thing I kind of
want to say about this is when you're trying to
(11:36):
sort through like, ugh, is this friendship for me? Is
this a one sided friendship? I've been feeling a certain
way for a while. An important question to ask yourself
is am I holding on to who they are? Or
do I keep hoping they'll become someone I need them
to be? Am I holding on to who they are?
Or do I keep hoping they'll become someone I want
(11:58):
and need them to be? And that's a question to
ask yourself. Hope can keep people stuck in one side
of dynamics for a very long time because you want
to see the best in someone and I've been there
and I did that and it's a powerful thing. But
you got to be honest with yourself too, And if
you feel guilty about kind of walking away from a friendship,
(12:19):
you just have to remember that relationships aren't always forever.
And that's okay, it's really okay. The idea of you
wanting mutual care and effort and love and respect, that's
a normal it's not an unreasonable standard. That is a normal,
normal standard. So don't jip yourself of that. So all
this to say is one sided friendships are not fun.
(12:42):
We should hold onto the people in our lives who
make us feel so good because it's so important to
have and we need friendship. We need it in our lives.
We need a core group of people that we can
turn to and know, well, be there no matter what.
And if you're not getting that in somebody, thank you next, baby,
Thank you next, You'll be okay. You're better off without
(13:02):
feeling the negative ways you're feeling with this person in
your life than not having them at all. Trust me,
trust me, trust me, trust me, You're gonna feel so
much better without it. So here's to surrounding ourselves with
people who make us feel good and uplifted and joys
and celebratory and all the things. And here's to kind
of cutting the strings loose of the people that maybe
(13:25):
don't make us feel our best. I've Never Said This
Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is
executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,
with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before
is part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts.
(13:48):
For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And
if you like this episode, tell your friends. Until next time,
I'm Tommy Dedario two,
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today's topic is
one sided friendships. So in past Tommy Talks, I've told
you about a friend breakup and when it's time to
let go of a friendship. And it's something that I
dealt with in a big way last year. And I
(00:23):
haven't really thought much about this person. They're not part
of my everyday life. I genuinely don't have ill feelings
towards this person, like I feel like my life is
better off without them. Minute I don't miss them. I
don't miss the drama and the you know, angst and
stress that came from that friendship. So I really feel
like I've been in a great place without it. Well, recently,
(00:45):
I was at an event that I was working at
and I saw this person across the room. So what
happened was I was interviewing a lot of people. It
was getting really busy, really crazy. I had a moment
in between interviews and I look up and I see
one of my friends across the way. They don't see me.
Otherwise I obviously would have waved and I couldn't have
run over because I was busy getting ready for my
(01:06):
next interview. But I look to my right, and I
see this former friend who is staring at me, like
lock eyes looking at me. And before I could even
raise a hand to do like a gentle wave because
that's the classic thing to do, or I don't know,
mouth hello something, this person looks the other way really quickly,
(01:27):
just like totally just darts the other way and looks
the other way as if like I don't know, I
guess it was a snub, just like a total snub.
And I'm sitting there thinking, my god, how immature are you?
Like we are all at a place where I'm here
doing my job, you're here doing your job. We're not
friends anymore, But is a hello the hardest thing in
(01:48):
the world for you to do. I don't want to
go run up to you and hug you and talk
to you, but I can wave a hello or say hello,
how are you? Something very simple, and you know, well
leave it at that. The fact that this person was
so dramatic and darted eyes and acted like, you know,
they just saw the devil in me, I'm like, come on, like,
(02:11):
come on, this is so childish and so immature, and
further legitimizes many reasons why we're no longer friends. So
it got me thinking about this topic of a one
sided friendship because then I went home and I was
sharing the story with some friends and the idea of
that whole friendship being one sided came up, and I'm like, oh,
(02:33):
you know what, I think a lot of us go
through this. I think a lot of us have had
people in our lives where we hold on to something
that isn't quite what it once was, or we give
everything we can in that friendship but we get nothing back,
and it feels very one sided. And I think it's
worth talking about because I feel like in a friendship
(02:53):
it has to be reciprocal, like you need to get
what you deserve out of it as well. So what
is a one sided friendship in my opinion, Well, I
think that means you're usually the one always reaching out first,
always always always reaching out first, Conversations highly revolve around
(03:14):
them and not you at all. It's like, hello, are
you interested in my life at all? Like you haven't
asked me one question and you know things are going
on in my life and you haven't followed up about
any of them. That was a problem with this particular
person who knew there were some really upsetting things going
on and hard things going on for me at the
time that I poured my heart out in sharing, which
(03:38):
by the way, wasn't asked of me. I just kind
of on my own volunteer that information. Because this person
never asked me questions, I had to just say them myself,
and then there was never a follow up about it,
which is so bizarre because if someone told me the
things that I told this person, I would be like,
are you okay? How are you? Are you feeling good? Nothing? Nothing,
So conversations usually revolve around them in a way one sided friendship,
(04:02):
and then kind of piggybacking off of that. They're usually
unavailable when you need support and in your most trying
times when you need somebody to lean on, when you're
looking for them for a little comfort, they're not there.
They're not there to give it. They're either mia not
answering the phone, not acknowledging what you're saying, don't really
(04:23):
care what you're saying, acting like what you're saying is
no big deal. But then they expect you to show
up for them and their times of need. I mean,
it's ultimate gaslighting. And that is something that happened with
this person, they suddenly felt like they had some sort
of issue going on in their life and lashed out
against me, accusing me of not being there for them.
(04:44):
And I'm like, wait a minute, I've been there for
you throughout the whole course of our friendship, and let's
talk about the twenty five times I needed you when
you weren't there. So it's just like this total unbalance
and it's gaslighting, and it's like they are not capable
of being available when you truly need them. But hey,
you better show up for them when they need you,
or you're the worst person in the world. Plans only
(05:07):
kind of happen if you initiate them. That's very one sided.
Now everybody gets busy, so I think you have to
take that one with a grain of salt. And some
people are just more of a planner or more of
an initiator, Like I'm maybe not the biggest planner. Like
I have some friends who are like, let's get dinner
on the books three months from now, and I love
that because that's just not me. So I think that's
really cool. But you, at least if you're not that
(05:29):
huge planner, like check in show someone you care. Message
them on Instagram, text them, call them like there are
ways to show you care. So it's nice to feel
like plans happen because two people want them to happen
and work towards them happening. And I guess, lastly, while
there's probably so many more, but the last thing coming
to mind right now is when you hang out with
(05:50):
this person, you maybe feel exhausted or unappreciated or unfulfilled
or drained because they monopolize all the time that you
have with them and make it about them right, or
they're complaining NonStop, or it's like the show, like I
always say, some people have plug in their name. Let's
(06:12):
say Tommy, it's the Tommy Show. Although please don't I
hope you don't view me like this, but it's like
all about them, and it's crazy and chaos, and you know,
it's just a lot like you leave those interactions being like, WHOA,
I need quiet, I need calm because that was totally
draining and I don't think this person really cared about
anything I did or had to say, Like it's very exhausting.
(06:33):
So those are all huge signs of a one sided friendship.
And I stand by the fact that I think healthy
friendships feel mutual, feel energizing, whereas one side it feels
the opposite. They feel draining and kind of like uncertain
every time you hang out with this person, what are
you gonna get? What kind of mood are you gonna get?
(06:53):
What's gonna happen? So, I don't know, in a friendship,
it shouldn't be that hard. There shouldn't be that many
question marks and walking on eggshells, like life is crazy.
You want your friendship time to be fun and breezy
and light and you know, laugh and have just total
enjoyment and time spent together. And yeah, there'll be times
(07:15):
when we're all going through hard times and you lean
on each other and you want that. You want support,
unconditional love and support. That's what a real friendship is.
So if you feel like you're in a one sided friendship,
like I very much did, they're very very important things
that you should do to protect your piece, to protect
your mental health, to protect your space. Number one is
pull back, Like pull back even in the beginning, pull
(07:36):
back slightly and see if they notice, see if they
pursue you a little bit, or maybe they don't, and
maybe they don't care. And maybe they want you to
pull back or letting you pull back, I should say,
and it's like, WHOA, Like you truly don't care that
I'm not around as much. I guess you don't value
this as much. That's a really interesting kind of telltale sign.
(07:59):
You can always communicate directly, like Hey, I feel like
I'm always the one reaching out, or I'm always the
one making plans, or I'm always the one asking you
how are you or what's going on with you? Or
I'm always the one supporting you when you're sad, like
why aren't you doing any of that for me? Fair warning,
the person that I'm no longer friends with can't handle that,
Like anything you say is an attack, So wouldn't it
have worked? And it would be fruitless because incapable of
(08:22):
having an emotional intelligent conversation. But there are a lot
of people that you can have that conversation, So it's
worth trying. If it's a friendship that means something to
you and you think the person can be receptive, it's
worth trying to communicate directly with them. And look if
if it's someone in your life who you don't want
to lose and they're not doing anything that detrimental to you.
(08:43):
You can always adjust your expectations, like if you want
to keep them as a more casual connection, and you're like, look,
I'm not going to rely on this person. I'm not
gonna make plans. I'm not going to go out of
my way a lot. But will I see them for
a meal once a year or twice a year, sure,
Like I still want to have a slight connection to them.
That's fine too. You need to find what you want
out of that friendship and the level of intimacy you
want out of that friendship. For me, this person we
(09:06):
were like it was like a sibling, Like we were
so close, and I realized I don't want them in
my life at all because of how they were acting
and treating not only me but other people, and how
they were walking through this life. And I'm like, you
know what, this energy ain't for me. I don't want
that in my life. I decided that for me. But
you have to decide for you the level of a
(09:26):
relationship you do or don't want. Do you want to
kind of say this chapter is closed, we're done, or
do you want someone as a loose friend. I mean,
that's all up to you. I can't tell you that,
but at the end of the day, you need to
do what's right for you, or as I was just
kind of alluding to, you, kind of need to step
away if it consistently, consistently leaves you feeling undervalued and
(09:47):
drained and bad and not great about you as a person,
and you're like, why am I hanging out with this person?
What am I doing? They don't reflect my values, my morals,
who I am anymore. It might be time to step away,
and that's okay too. Some friendships have a season or
many seasons, and they're not forever, and some friendships are forever.
I have some friendships in my life that are forever,
(10:08):
like they have been my rides or dies. You know
who you are. I have some friends I've met later
in life who I love and I can't imagine life
ever with. And then I have people who I'm no
longer friends with from over the years for variety of
different reasons, and not a lot, but just a couple,
and that's okay too. That's okay too, because who they
are has changed so drastically, not for the better in
(10:30):
my opinion, and I can't align myself with that I
really can't. So all this to say is with friendship. Look,
it doesn't mean that if you're not really gelling with
someone anymore that they're like a horrible, malicious, bad person.
Sometimes people are just unaware. Sometimes they're emotionally unavailable. Sometimes
they're just not invested and they don't know how to
(10:51):
be a good friend. But the effect on you is
what matters the most. And by the way, sometimes all
of that may be true. But also some time there
are people who just aren't good people in this world.
I hate to say that because I always see the
good in people, and it pains me to say that.
Oh little alarm in New York, sorry about that, but
oh gosh, prayers for everyone being okay. But anyway, I
(11:15):
think it's okay to look at some people as like
they're not a bad person, it's just not working for me.
Or if you really do need to step away and
someone is toxic, that is true too. Both can be true,
both can be true, But at the end of the day,
the effect they're making on you is what matters. It's
what matters most. And the last thing I kind of
want to say about this is when you're trying to
(11:36):
sort through like, ugh, is this friendship for me? Is
this a one sided friendship? I've been feeling a certain
way for a while. An important question to ask yourself
is am I holding on to who they are? Or
do I keep hoping they'll become someone I need them
to be? Am I holding on to who they are?
Or do I keep hoping they'll become someone I want
(11:58):
and need them to be? And that's a question to
ask yourself. Hope can keep people stuck in one side
of dynamics for a very long time because you want
to see the best in someone and I've been there
and I did that and it's a powerful thing. But
you got to be honest with yourself too, And if
you feel guilty about kind of walking away from a friendship,
(12:19):
you just have to remember that relationships aren't always forever.
And that's okay, it's really okay. The idea of you
wanting mutual care and effort and love and respect, that's
a normal it's not an unreasonable standard. That is a normal,
normal standard. So don't jip yourself of that. So all
this to say is one sided friendships are not fun.
(12:42):
We should hold onto the people in our lives who
make us feel so good because it's so important to
have and we need friendship. We need it in our lives.
We need a core group of people that we can
turn to and know, well, be there no matter what.
And if you're not getting that in somebody, thank you next, baby,
Thank you next, You'll be okay. You're better off without
(13:02):
feeling the negative ways you're feeling with this person in
your life than not having them at all. Trust me,
trust me, trust me, trust me, You're gonna feel so
much better without it. So here's to surrounding ourselves with
people who make us feel good and uplifted and joys
and celebratory and all the things. And here's to kind
of cutting the strings loose of the people that maybe
(13:25):
don't make us feel our best. I've Never Said This
Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is
executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,
with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before
is part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts.
(13:48):
For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And
if you like this episode, tell your friends. Until next time,
I'm Tommy Dedario two,
Elvis Duran and the Morning Show ON DEMAND News
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