April 28, 2026 • 6 mins
A relentless telemarketer keeps calling a grandpa trying to sell clams!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Don't answer the phone.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Elvis Duran, the Elvis Duran phone tapp.
Speaker 3 (00:04):
All right, scary, it's the return of mister Michael Oppenheimer. Yep,
here we go. Jack wants a phone tap his grandfather, Jim.
Jim hates being interrupted watching his afternoon TV programs by
telephone telemarketers. So Jack wanted me to call him as
Michael Oppenheimer, our resident relentless telephone telemarketer. And then later
coaster boy Josh makes a cameo, Oh my gosh, jealous,
(00:28):
this is a good day after all in his phone
tap day doo.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Josh.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
And really he's never been on a phone type before.
I think he has. Yeah, this is mister Michael Oppenheimer
phone tap debut. All right, here we go today's phone
tap listening. Hello, good afternoon. This is mister Michael Oppenheimer
with clamsfreu dot com. How are you doing today.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Sir, clamscreeo dot job. I'm fine, I'm fine. What do
you want?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
It is becoming a problem to get fresh seafood.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
You're selling me something, right.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Our clams sell themselves, sir.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Who the hell are you?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
We are the leading seafood processing and distribution company and
we ship seafood direct to you.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Well, I don't want no package seafood for you. Send
package seafood.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
We send you seafood fresh, it is caught and shipped.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Listen to me, buddy, I don't have any time to
these all right? Goodbye?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Hello, This is mister Michael Oppenheimer with clams for you.
Don't you gotta be after six years?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You know, man, you gotta pair of balls calling me
back again? What the hell's the matter with you? I
told you I wasn't interested. I don't want any seafood.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I eat clams.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I eat clams. You know you like Italian food.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
I love Italian food.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Sir, eat my graziano. Give up the damn phone. Goodbye.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Hello, this is mister Michael Oppenheimer. So we didn't even
tell you.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
What do you guys? Do you only cold during lunch
and dinner? Don't you guys ever eat? Why didn't you
get a real got my wife's sake?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
We have a special today, sir?
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Who the hell cares? Will? I don't care about your
spec How do I get through to you? Are you
hard at heeling?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Are you throwing a party anytime soon? Sir?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Yeah, I'll throw a party in your mouth, Get the
hell off the fall and lead need along way.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Yeah, the daily staff of sixty nine clam shuckers working
round the clock to give you.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Why did you go shut yourself a get the hell
out of it, moron, Get a real job. Hello, this is.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Mister Michael Oppenheimer with clams for you dot com.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
You got a set?
Speaker 1 (02:36):
We have a daily catch for just forty nine ninety
nine for two dozen little necks and thirty nine ninety
nine for three dozen cherries.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Well, I think I'd like to put my hands around
your little neck and squeeze it a little bit. You
How did you get my phone number? Anyhow?
Speaker 1 (02:51):
You we are calling Italians today? Oh?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
You call it all Italians? What's the matter with everybody
else who says I'm Italian? And what if I am?
And what if I'm not? Frederice son of a bitches?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
We did a computer generated search for names that ended
in vowels, and yours came up at el.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Maybe your computer's not working right. I think your brain's
not working right. You know that's just something wrong with you.
How can you keep pulling the same person back time
and time again when they say that I'm interested because
you need a lobotomy or something. You are a crazy
son of a bitch.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Our research finds that Italians consume more clams than any
other nationality.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
If I am Italian, I'm gonna find out where you are,
you stupid, and send somebody over there and break your kneecaps.
All right, then we'll see who's Italian and who is it.
I don't need yours. My wife goes to the fish
market every Friday and she gets French fish right off
that dock. What do I need your frozen clams?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Your wife has the freshest clams.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
My wife gets the freshest plans. She gets the freshest tuna.
Everything my wife's got.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
How's your wife's snapper?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
My wife snapper enjoyed the people lazy? It's solectic.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
If you act now, I'll throw in a free jar
of puntanesca sauce.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Hello, sir.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Our credo is to satisfy the customers.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Manager on a phone, would you.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I'm in charge here? Sir?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
No, you're not in charge. They can't have an like
you in charge, but put your manager on the.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Phone transferring call Hello, Who is this is Marty Schottenheimer?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I told you. I want to speak to your boss.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
So you're thinking of mister Michael Oppenheimer. I am mister
Marty Schottenheimer or.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
What you guys? You sound like zombies or something.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Who can I help you today? Sir?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Do you know that Dishmark has called me six times
already to sell me some bones and plans. I told
you guy ten times I'm not interested, and he just
keeps calling and calling. Now I want to register a complaint.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
You sound Italian, sir, and Italians enjoy class? Is this
with you?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Guys? With the Italians? Do you sell to anybody but Italians?
Are you there? You zombie? Can you hear me?
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Yeah? I can hear you. I can hear you.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
I think you're a robot.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I'm Marty Schottenheimer. I'm Michael Oppenheimer.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I fell around. I think somebody's strolling with me here, sir.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
It sounds like you need to keep clam and carry on.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
But who is that? Who is there? This is Michael?
Who's that what you clams? Today? Jack?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Hey, Jim, this is Scary Jones with Elvis Duran in
the Morning show. And your grandson Jack is phone tapping you.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You know, Jack, you son of a dog. You know
I'm gonna get you back for this, your little bastard.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And I'm a Frank Colaster boy. Josh is Marty Schottenheimer.
What's up, Jim?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Guys, you know the second he said, Marty shot and
like a bell went off and I'm thinking I'm being
punk kids. Okay, well, this is Peyton Manning when you're
guying a bunch of schmucks.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
This pale table was pre recorded with permission granted
Speaker 3 (05:59):
By all the Elvis Duran phone tap only on Elvis
Duran in the Morning Show
Don't answer the phone.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Elvis Duran, the Elvis Duran phone tapp.
Speaker 3 (00:04):
All right, scary, it's the return of mister Michael Oppenheimer. Yep,
here we go. Jack wants a phone tap his grandfather, Jim.
Jim hates being interrupted watching his afternoon TV programs by
telephone telemarketers. So Jack wanted me to call him as
Michael Oppenheimer, our resident relentless telephone telemarketer. And then later
coaster boy Josh makes a cameo, Oh my gosh, jealous,
(00:28):
this is a good day after all in his phone
tap day doo.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Josh.
Speaker 1 (00:33):
And really he's never been on a phone type before.
I think he has. Yeah, this is mister Michael Oppenheimer
phone tap debut. All right, here we go today's phone
tap listening. Hello, good afternoon. This is mister Michael Oppenheimer
with clamsfreu dot com. How are you doing today.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Sir, clamscreeo dot job. I'm fine, I'm fine. What do
you want?
Speaker 1 (00:54):
It is becoming a problem to get fresh seafood.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
You're selling me something, right.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Our clams sell themselves, sir.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Who the hell are you?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
We are the leading seafood processing and distribution company and
we ship seafood direct to you.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Well, I don't want no package seafood for you. Send
package seafood.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
We send you seafood fresh, it is caught and shipped.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Listen to me, buddy, I don't have any time to
these all right? Goodbye?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Hello, This is mister Michael Oppenheimer with clams for you.
Don't you gotta be after six years?
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You know, man, you gotta pair of balls calling me
back again? What the hell's the matter with you? I
told you I wasn't interested. I don't want any seafood.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
I eat clams.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
I eat clams. You know you like Italian food.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
I love Italian food.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Sir, eat my graziano. Give up the damn phone. Goodbye.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Hello, this is mister Michael Oppenheimer. So we didn't even
tell you.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
What do you guys? Do you only cold during lunch
and dinner? Don't you guys ever eat? Why didn't you
get a real got my wife's sake?
Speaker 1 (02:02):
We have a special today, sir?
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Who the hell cares? Will? I don't care about your
spec How do I get through to you? Are you
hard at heeling?
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Are you throwing a party anytime soon? Sir?
Speaker 2 (02:13):
Yeah, I'll throw a party in your mouth, Get the
hell off the fall and lead need along way.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Yeah, the daily staff of sixty nine clam shuckers working
round the clock to give you.
Speaker 2 (02:22):
Why did you go shut yourself a get the hell
out of it, moron, Get a real job. Hello, this is.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Mister Michael Oppenheimer with clams for you dot com.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
You got a set?
Speaker 1 (02:36):
We have a daily catch for just forty nine ninety
nine for two dozen little necks and thirty nine ninety
nine for three dozen cherries.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Well, I think I'd like to put my hands around
your little neck and squeeze it a little bit. You
How did you get my phone number? Anyhow?
Speaker 1 (02:51):
You we are calling Italians today? Oh?
Speaker 2 (02:55):
You call it all Italians? What's the matter with everybody
else who says I'm Italian? And what if I am?
And what if I'm not? Frederice son of a bitches?
Speaker 1 (03:04):
We did a computer generated search for names that ended
in vowels, and yours came up at el.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Maybe your computer's not working right. I think your brain's
not working right. You know that's just something wrong with you.
How can you keep pulling the same person back time
and time again when they say that I'm interested because
you need a lobotomy or something. You are a crazy
son of a bitch.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Our research finds that Italians consume more clams than any
other nationality.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
If I am Italian, I'm gonna find out where you are,
you stupid, and send somebody over there and break your kneecaps.
All right, then we'll see who's Italian and who is it.
I don't need yours. My wife goes to the fish
market every Friday and she gets French fish right off
that dock. What do I need your frozen clams?
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Your wife has the freshest clams.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
My wife gets the freshest plans. She gets the freshest tuna.
Everything my wife's got.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
How's your wife's snapper?
Speaker 2 (03:58):
My wife snapper enjoyed the people lazy? It's solectic.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
If you act now, I'll throw in a free jar
of puntanesca sauce.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Hello, sir.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
Our credo is to satisfy the customers.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
Manager on a phone, would you.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
I'm in charge here? Sir?
Speaker 2 (04:16):
No, you're not in charge. They can't have an like
you in charge, but put your manager on the.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Phone transferring call Hello, Who is this is Marty Schottenheimer?
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I told you. I want to speak to your boss.
Speaker 1 (04:29):
So you're thinking of mister Michael Oppenheimer. I am mister
Marty Schottenheimer or.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
What you guys? You sound like zombies or something.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Who can I help you today? Sir?
Speaker 2 (04:39):
Do you know that Dishmark has called me six times
already to sell me some bones and plans. I told
you guy ten times I'm not interested, and he just
keeps calling and calling. Now I want to register a complaint.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
You sound Italian, sir, and Italians enjoy class? Is this
with you?
Speaker 2 (04:56):
Guys? With the Italians? Do you sell to anybody but Italians?
Are you there? You zombie? Can you hear me?
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Yeah? I can hear you. I can hear you.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
I think you're a robot.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I'm Marty Schottenheimer. I'm Michael Oppenheimer.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
I fell around. I think somebody's strolling with me here, sir.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
It sounds like you need to keep clam and carry on.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
But who is that? Who is there? This is Michael?
Who's that what you clams? Today? Jack?
Speaker 3 (05:26):
Hey, Jim, this is Scary Jones with Elvis Duran in
the Morning show. And your grandson Jack is phone tapping you.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You know, Jack, you son of a dog. You know
I'm gonna get you back for this, your little bastard.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And I'm a Frank Colaster boy. Josh is Marty Schottenheimer.
What's up, Jim?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
Guys, you know the second he said, Marty shot and
like a bell went off and I'm thinking I'm being
punk kids. Okay, well, this is Peyton Manning when you're
guying a bunch of schmucks.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
This pale table was pre recorded with permission granted
Speaker 3 (05:59):
By all the Elvis Duran phone tap only on Elvis
Duran in the Morning Show
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