Family Dynamics and Mental Health

The latest episode of The Nutters Club, hosted by Hamish Williams and psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald, delved into the complexities of family relationships and their impact on mental health. The show, featured heartfelt stories and practical advice on navigating family dynamics, estrangement, and emotional challenges. ​

The discussion began with an exploration of why family relationships can be more challenging than other connections. ​MacDonald explained that early attachment relationships significantly shape how individuals approach relationships later in life. ​He emphasised that family dynamics often carry intense emotions and history, making conflicts harder to resolve. ​He also highlighted the importance of setting boundaries to maintain healthy relationships, even if they are not always harmonious. ​

Listeners shared their personal experiences, shedding light on the diverse challenges families face. ​One caller, Craig, shared his positive upbringing, emphasising the importance of communication and mutual respect in fostering healthy family bonds. In contrast, Louise recounted her struggles with an overbearing and critical mother, which led to estrangement from her sister. ​She found solace in writing an unsent letter to her sister, a therapeutic exercise that helped her process her emotions and find peace.

Terry, another caller, shared his painful experience of being estranged from his siblings due to homophobia within his family. MacDonald advised Terry to seek support from counselling services, such as 1737 or Outline NZ, to navigate the emotional toll of isolation and strained family ties.

The show also addressed broader questions, such as managing family dynamics during significant events like weddings and funerals. ​MacDonald suggested setting clear boundaries and expectations for behaviour, emphasising the importance of self-protection and avoiding toxic situations. ​

Listeners were encouraged to seek professional help when dealing with unresolved family conflicts or emotional distress. ​Services like 1737, a free mental health helpline, were highlighted as valuable resources for those needing immediate support. ​

The episode concluded with a powerful story from Susie, who shared how she and her mother repaired their relationship through therapy and mutual effort. Her experience underscored the potential for healing and resolution, even in the most challenging family situations. ​

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
You're listening to a podcast from News Talk SeeDB. Follow
this and our wide range of podcasts now on iHeartRadio.

Speaker 2 (00:20):
Greetings and welcome. I'm Hamish Williams and you're listening to
the podcast version of The Nutts Club, a radio show
about mental health broadcast weekly on News Talk SeeDB. Each
week we talk with people about mental health experiences and
the hope that it might help you with your own.
The show is broadcast live on Sunday nights on news

(00:41):
Talk sead B right across New Zealand and around the world.
On this show, we talked about the nature of relationships,
and specifically the relationships we have with family and how
that can impact our mental health. Our audience gave us
a full spectrum of how to make this work and

(01:01):
how you can manage it when it doesn't. Let us
know what you think, as well as what you learn
from our chat with any of our social media platforms.
Just search the Nutters Club m Z and come and
join one hundred and forty one thousand fellow Nutters. Let's
get into this week's episode. This is a mental health

(01:21):
issue which perhaps you will have some experience in one
way or another. It's not a formally diagnosed one, but
it's around relationships. And we were talking about this really
because we have had a collectively, we've had some great
experiences with family and extended family over the last week,

(01:42):
you know, my pilgrimage South and Kyle, you had a
very good friend's fiftieth birthday yesterday. Yeah, yeah, and it
got us talking about the idea of relationships when it
comes to our family. Now, you can't choose your family, right,
So whatever you're going to be born into, that's it.
That's your lot.

Speaker 3 (02:03):
I do occasionally joke with my kids at the best
decision they made in life was the parents they picked.
And actually it's a joke which I like to wind
them up with occasionally, but actually it's one of those
funny things where it's like, you know, actually, when you
look at a lot of the research around life course,
a lot of it does actually come down to that's
the most important decision you do actually make tongue in cheek, right,
because actually that's the start in life.

Speaker 2 (02:24):
So that is the start in life, and you can't change.
But obviously relationships and families can not always go smoothly.
And in fact, I would have it a guess to
say that every family at some point has some kind
of challenge within the relationship dynamics of the family, right, Yeah,
But interestingly, it's about how do you navigate them and

(02:48):
how do you actually find a way to be able
to have a healthy relationship that doesn't necessarily mean that
it's a harmonious and a happy relationship, but one that
doesn't cause you immense harm. So that's what we want
to talk about tonight. So we're really interested to hear
about your experiences, you know, with your own family dynamics
and perhaps if you've had a challenge, how are you

(03:10):
able to kind of find the way to go forward
with her or set your own boundaries. But Kyle, I'm
interested to know. You know, families, like I said, you know,
it can be really complex. We don't get to choose them.
But why can family relationships be so much harder than
other relationships in life?

Speaker 3 (03:29):
Well, I mean, in simple terms, I think it's because
they meta more and also because we're kind of hard
wired really for those early attachment relationships to be encoded
really into our brains and into our attachment relationships. As
we talk about them, they provide a map for how
we then go on to have and think about other relationships,

(03:51):
and so if there are problems, they can go on
to impact our relationships that we have as an adult.

Speaker 4 (03:58):
For instance.

Speaker 3 (03:59):
So you know clasic scenario if someone turns up in
therapy and they're struggling to figure out how to have
intimate relationships that work, and then you get talking to
them and they recognize that actually their parents didn't have
a great relationship and they didn't have great relationships with
their parents, or both, or some combination of that. And
we learn how to have relationships from the relationships that

(04:19):
we have, and the relationships that we have early and
through childhood have more of an impact in terms of
that learning, just like all the other learning, right, I mean,
the example I often use is people always say it's
easier to learn a second language if can learn it
under three. We learn a lot about how to have
relationships under three because our brain is so malleable and
our behaviors are still being learned at such a rapid rate.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
But let's also take it.

Speaker 3 (04:43):
Somewhere else tonight as well as because I think when
we consider family relationships, we also have to consider the
most I would say extreme outcome, which is what increasingly
now gets talked about. Is parental inte estrangement If I
can't get my tongue around the word, and I mean,
we actually have seen quite a whole profile case of
that in the media, and that play out in the
last couple of weeks with the Beckham family for those

(05:04):
of you who pay attention to the pop w world,
in this the football world, and you know that actually, unfortunately,
and I have read some of the articles, Beckham's son
has decided to cut off contact with his family and
there's clearly a history to that, and it's played out
very publicly, but it's I think brought people to start

(05:26):
to think about and talk about this idea of you know,
it actually happens more than we might think. And I
think it is also still one of those taboos where
it's people sort of judge it, I think, but I
think it's a big decision if people actually do get
to that point of cutting off contact.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
And why the people cut off contact, I mean, why
can't people work the stuff out?

Speaker 5 (05:47):
Well?

Speaker 3 (05:47):
Again, I think it comes back to the fact that
the emotions are always more intense with families. So what
might seem like a straightforward problem looking in from the
outside has a huge amount of emotions and history to it.
I think often too, I think one of the things
that can really happen in families that if parents are
defensive and they're not willing to try and understand the

(06:08):
perspective of their children, then I think that it can
quickly go to a place where the two people are
then just fighting about what is reality. And you know,
I have a very strongly held belief as a parent
but also as a therapist that I think you never
stop being a parent matter how old your kids are.
There's always an extra weight of responsibility to care for

(06:31):
that relationship. And I think when parents lose sight of
that and become defensive and take a position that they
are right and the children are wrong, then I think
it can be very hard to get unstuck from that place,
and often families will engage in therapy to try and
untangle that not and of course, just one of the
other other issues which just pours oil on all of

(06:52):
these fires, of course, is money.

Speaker 2 (06:56):
And that's the interesting one too, because sometimes you know, relationships,
as we're talking about a family can be very emotional,
which you said, but then that is another fact that
when you actually put money into it, whether it be
inheritance or financial help perhaps from a from a family member,
you know, and that can go either way, or fights.

Speaker 3 (07:13):
Around worlds when people die and you know those It's
very common that we hear these stories in life, isn't it,
And that that family relationships blow up around weddings and
they blow up around funerals.

Speaker 2 (07:25):
And when you were talking about the money part, that's
where these emotional relationships end up having real world consequences
that suddenly step well away from all of that.

Speaker 3 (07:35):
Yeah, well they do, and it becomes a way of
trying to I think sometimes express pain or hurt through
the giving or the or the taking away of resources
or inheritance, you know, writing people out of the will,
or giving one person more than the other. I mean,
this is the way in which I think sometimes things
end up being communicated.

Speaker 2 (07:55):
Oh catch out the well, yeah, yeah, you got to
have something together in the first place.

Speaker 3 (08:00):
That's true. But it's also amazing how you know, it
often isn't about the amount of money. I mean, obviously,
you know, large sums of money make these proper potentially
quite a lot bigger, But often it isn't the mega
wealthy families that have these problems.

Speaker 2 (08:14):
I've got a couple of text messages here that I
just thought I would read out there. Someone says, high fellows,
I'm an older person, and see what could be called
abandonment rather than estrangement of my friends by their adult
children who go about their lives with no messages, texts
or phone replied to for months. It's hurtful and cruel.
And that's from Chrissy.

Speaker 3 (08:35):
Yeah, I mean that that is a sad situation. I
think that there is something about how we negotiate that
process into adulthood too, though A and I mean, I
also think it's important that we find ways to be
able to talk about these things, to actually be able
to name the hurt, to be able to put that
to people, and to be able to talk about what
it is that we might need. And also I think

(08:55):
and this is the ready challenging and obviously I don't
know any of these scenarios from them, you know, but
I do think that it's also important to be able
to reflect on how might these things have come about? Yeap,
how have we let that not tendered the garden that
is the relationship. That means that we've got to this
point and always try even though it's hard to take

(09:17):
responsibility for what's on our side of the street.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
Yeah, I think sometimes too. It's it's always like, you know,
you don't always have to be right. Yep, you know
like that, there's there's multile I.

Speaker 3 (09:27):
Understand that because I am always right.

Speaker 2 (09:29):
But I understand that's a thing. I think. I think
we're looking at our own group therapy session here pretty soon.
But I mean, look, it's the thing. I mean, I
just did sixteen hours of driving you know this this week,
you know, between Auckland and the South Island, and I
can tell you right now, yeah, I don't agree with
everything that that I'm having presented to me in the conversation,
but you just let some stuff go absolutely for the

(09:51):
sake of retaining the relationship.

Speaker 3 (09:53):
Well, we don't always have to agree exactly.

Speaker 2 (09:55):
Be quite a boring place, right, We'll go straight to
the lines. Craig, good evening to you.

Speaker 6 (10:01):
It's good morning.

Speaker 4 (10:01):
How's it going.

Speaker 2 (10:02):
It's going good, It's going good. So look, you know, family,
family relationships. What's been your experience.

Speaker 7 (10:09):
Well, first of all, I wanted to point out that
I learned a lot from your show. We used to
go as family to the lake in and Roade record
like road to We didn't know there were two of them.

Speaker 2 (10:16):
Twenty Yeah there are two. I found that confusing when
I was trying to track down the primary school on Facebook.

Speaker 7 (10:22):
So yeah, yeah, anyway out of the way far as
families go. Both my sister and myself are both adopted
because my mother couldn't have kids, so and we were
both adopted. But what I found with our family was
we never got yelled at, We never got told off.
We always just got fat down and theabored to sit
us down and explain to us what we've done wrong
and why it's not what you shouldn't be doing, what

(10:43):
you're doing, all sort of stuff. So we're always spoken
to gently and stuff like that. And when we wanted
to stuff as kids, they would say, right right, alet'st
of what you want. And he visited a month's time
and go do you still want this? And it's like
yes or no. But I remember I wanted a train seat,
and here goes okay, well I'm not going to buy
one for you, but you get your pick, you get
your allowance. So he used to take me into town

(11:03):
and it was a middle lay by book to toilet
and pay you so much per week to pay it
off until I got it, and he says, by doing that,
you appreciate things a lot more than if I just
gave you the toy set. So I found that was
quite good. But yeah, they were really really great. And
then later on in life, I've had a few medical
issues with my health and stuff like that, and that

(11:24):
just gone out of the way to help me do
things when we do stuff like that. So as far
as I'm probably the worst one for your show, But
as far as our old family goes, it's always been
like a big family where we always look after each other.
We've never fighted a all, and we just treat my
parents and they treat myself as just best friends. We
just give them really, really well. And it's the same
with our whole extended family. We've had friends come up

(11:47):
from the South Island for a funeral on there and
we just go out of our way to make room
in the house so they can stay, and just you know, yeah,
it's just crazy how I look at some of the
families and friends I don't know, and how their parents
treat their kids and all that, and I think, well,
if I was ever going to have kids, I couldn't
do that because I mean, at the end of the day,
you're there to protect them and get them guidance on life.
And I just find it just amazing how some people

(12:10):
just don't have that. It just seems that maybe I'm
the old one out. I don't know, but that's sad.

Speaker 8 (12:15):
Well.

Speaker 2 (12:16):
I think you bring up a great example of actually
showing what a healthy, happy relationship can look like. I
think it's pretty easy for us to sit here and
have a winge actually and then you know, I mean,
I'm not saying that that's what we're doing much, you
know what I mean, Like, it's easy to kind of
bring up perhaps the negative things in our life. But
what you've talked about there is perfect in terms of

(12:36):
how you guys dealt with conflict. You know, that was
that was how your you know, your family dealt with it,
and it's worked really well for you.

Speaker 7 (12:44):
Yeah, even though when not wispert it. My sister did
find a way of looking my parents, Like if we
both wanted to watch a TV program in the lounge,
she'd start crying. I get told off her upsetting here
and get sent to my room and she need to
watch what you.

Speaker 3 (12:54):
Want now the alms Rick in the book.

Speaker 7 (12:56):
Yeah, but as you grow up you realize, well, hey,
that was just the way she'd dealt with wanting to
do stuff. So that's all good. But man, I've also
got to think you guys too, because quite a what
about a year or so, I was pointing it quite
hard and I rang up your show and stuff like that,
and a lady from Good See she'd be que interested
in talking to me. She's going through similar things. And
it's been over a year now. We're basically really good

(13:18):
friends and talk pretty much every single day. So thank
you for that too. So that's been helpless, specially when
I've had as us I've been dealing with and she's
been going through the same machines. You can sort of
bounce ideas at each other, so I'm probably doing a
psychologist out of her job.

Speaker 4 (13:32):
But hey, that's right.

Speaker 3 (13:33):
We don't have enough anyway, mate, Peel go for it.

Speaker 2 (13:37):
Well, thanks for letting us know, because you know, we
we do come in here and put this show together
on a Sunday night, And I often say this that
you know, we we do it because we've got such
a great audience and we know that. You know, the
people who listen to the show genuinely want to want
to help each other if they can, and we see
that in so many different and guises and in ways,

(13:58):
and so I'm just awesome to hear that you know,
we've been able to help you, mate, Like that's that's
a put a big smile on everyone's face in the
studio here tonight.

Speaker 6 (14:06):
Well that's good.

Speaker 7 (14:07):
I mean it's put um on my face because they
say after a year or so, we pretty much talk
every day and if I've had a bad day, I
can bring her up in vice aversa and stuff like
that and share things. It's just been awesome. I fortunately
share it was along a long way way from away.
I live in Hamilton, but even so, it's just it's
been brilliant to actually have something I've met quite a
few other people through other shows on the Rodius well
we talk to and it's just a good community. Everyone

(14:29):
sort of sticks together and looks after you. If our
look is brilliant, so bring it on.

Speaker 2 (14:34):
Look for the helpers A Craig.

Speaker 7 (14:36):
Yeah, that's the one.

Speaker 2 (14:37):
Thanks so much for leving us know and sharing your
family experience. Have a wonderful wonderful evening.

Speaker 7 (14:43):
Now you two, thank you very much.

Speaker 2 (14:45):
Go well, what doesn't that make you feel good? Carl?

Speaker 3 (14:48):
Yeah, it's great because you know, we often make these
suggestions and I have a lot of imagining that these
things do happen. But it's always great to hear when
it actually does happen, when those connections actually supportive connections,
peer support, friendship, call it what you will, it's helping.

Speaker 2 (15:03):
Thanks very much, Craig, much appreciated. Looking at the text
messages here, a couple ones. It just just one that
just says, Look, I've had nothing to do with my
daughter and my sister for five years. Now I can
say it's been peaceful. So I mean, look that that
may sound quite dramatic and almost you know, upsetting. However,

(15:24):
if it's working for you, is it good? Is that
good for your mental health? You know, if you're if
you're doing it. I mean, here's a question for your Kyle, like,
if it's good for you, but what if it's harming
the other person?

Speaker 3 (15:35):
Yeah, that's tricky, isn't it. I Mean, I think it
comes down to the fact that I think we always
have to assume that people don't make these decisions lightly
because actually cutting off contact or moving away from family,
whether it's children or parents or siblings, whatever, is actually
a really big decision because it's actually really hard to
do and it's hard to talk about. A lot of
people will have judgment about it. So the first thing

(15:57):
is that I always assume is there's there's got to
be a good reason. And when you say that, well,
I think you know it's one of those annoying psychotherapists answers.
I'm afraid it depends great because actually only you can
measure the harm that's happening to you, So you know,
to take an extreme example, if a family member is
being abusive to another family member but doesn't want them

(16:18):
to cut off contact, then actually it's up to the
person who's experiencing the harm to decide they want that
to stop. The other party may not agree or go
along with that, but actually you have to make that
decision for your own wellbeing.

Speaker 5 (16:29):
First.

Speaker 2 (16:30):
Well, it's interesting you bring that up because I've got
another text message here that says, Hi, guys, any ideas
on how to forgive someone who assaulted you as my
son assaulted me and has spent time inside.

Speaker 3 (16:44):
Well, I mean we've actually done a number of shows
over the years on forgiveness, haven't we because it's such
a tricky thing. I actually think there's a very practical
question at the heart of that text, though, which is
actually can you trust that you are safe?

Speaker 2 (16:59):
To me?

Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's actually the important place, and it comes back to
this idea we often talk about with apologizing, which is
sorry as a word, apologies actually behavior. It's about behavior change,
doing something different to repair or making things different so
that the incident won't happen again. And I think if
you can be assured of that, then it's about taking
measured risks around how do you Because it sounds like

(17:21):
you want to enter back into that relationship in a
way that's safe.

Speaker 2 (17:25):
And I think keeping yourself safe either in either way
you know that that's actually what this is about. So
perhaps when you know we're saying it may not be
good for the other, you know it might not be
the good for the other person. If it's keeping you safe,
then that's actually where you've got to draw the line
from when it comes to any part of your health,
whether that's mental or physical. Let's go to Louise good

(17:45):
evening to you, Louise Hi Evening, guys.

Speaker 9 (17:49):
This is right up my alle current difficulty I had.
I wish I'd had Craig's life. I'm glad that you
had a good life though. That's great. But my parents
were My mother was over bearing, critical, negative towards me especially,
and Dad was quite occasionally very critical and nasty. And

(18:13):
you know, I grew up and by the time I
got two adolescents, I was extremely angry at the way
my mother had treated me and that Dad didn't intervene.
And my sister Mum said some pretty horrible things for
her too at times. That's really probably once or twice
I got the because I'm older, I got the brunt

(18:35):
of her visitors. But anyway, I have dealt with my parents' issues.
My sister and I are only sibling. Never got on.
We're just so different, and she is not even willing
to understand where I'm coming from. And I at the

(18:58):
end of twenty twenty three, I put a post up
looking back at the air, you know, and I think
I've done pretty well considering my negative bringing. Oh wow,
that just she just reacted. She might she must have
been storing that all up for years. And oh wow,

(19:22):
So we had this big, very public size on Facebook.
It's got really nasty, and she said she didn't want
to have nothing to do with me. So that was
it for about six months, and then I got hold
of her. It was a day that my daughter's cat
was killed by dogs. So I was a mess, and

(19:45):
she just she just honed in on me and just
put me down and told me I was wrong. Everything
I've done is wrong and this is wrong. And she
was I'm no perfect, She's never wrong. And I said, well,
you know you have said things to me over the
years that unnecessary and hurtful. She does it deliberately, you know,

(20:11):
to wind me up, even it's her age, and she's
always I'm sorry if anything I said has hurt you
in my whole life and so disingenuous. But anyway, we
didn't speak and we're still a strange. But recently I

(20:32):
wrote one of those letters that you don't send.

Speaker 2 (20:36):
Oh yeah, how did you find that, Louise? How did
you find the process of doing that?

Speaker 9 (20:41):
Very good? Eleven pages both sides.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
Double pages. I mean, look at to be fair, Luise,
you've got the start of a book going on there,
twenty two pages. I know you know you're about you're
about of it. You're about like one one eighth of
the way to a to a you know, an airport
novel on that.

Speaker 9 (21:00):
Yes, I know, And it just all came out and
I acknowledged all the good things that she's done. It
was allance. But it wasn't till the last few pages
that I started swearing and stuff. But and after it,
I just felt, well, since then, I've been fine. I'm

(21:20):
not angry at her anymore. I would like to have
a relationship with her, but I'm not gonna do all
the work she's waiting for me to render her. You know.

Speaker 2 (21:31):
Well, Luis, I want to ask Kyle a question here
because I think you've you've actually know you've you've stumbled,
and well you haven't stumbled, You've shared a really great
insight Herele. Why does the letter writing part, you know,
like actually writing eleven double a page letters. Why is
that so cathartic? Why does that work? Well, I mean,
why why is Luis sort of having this kind of

(21:53):
reaction to just doing it? And it's just words on
a page. It can't be that powerful, can it.

Speaker 3 (21:57):
Well, I mean the first thing is it's words outside
of our head. So that's a bit that makes the
difference is that journal writing or just actually talking to
someone about it that actually, when we can get it out,
what we're doing is we're processing our thoughts and our
thinking in a different way than just going round and
round inside a head. Even though it might feel like
the words that we're going round and around inside of
head of the same words, once we put them out

(22:17):
and sort them into an order and say them on paper,
it actually shifts something in terms of how we're experiencing.
And sometimes it can be enough on its own to
actually park things and let things go. The nice thing too,
is it because it also feels with the letter that
you don't send, is that when you're in the process
of writing and I'll be interested, Louise, with this this
is your experience, it does feel like you're actually saying
it to the person, like you're getting it off your chest,

(22:40):
and it gives you permission to.

Speaker 2 (22:41):
Express that.

Speaker 3 (22:43):
And so it's a yeah, it could be a really
useful process. It can also in different circumstances than other
than what you've outlined to Luise. It can actually also
be a bridge to the next conversation too, because actually
often we need to say all the things we need
to say before we can actually figure out ways that
we can actually say them in real life too.

Speaker 9 (23:04):
Yes, yes, it does feel like talking nerove sort of
to bring her up and say that, would you like
to get a family therapy? But I'll probably get her.
I don't need to. She's she's I think she's got
her narcissism is a bit more developed than more. And
you know, I got to the stage I was just

(23:25):
sang the head. I felt like I was just talking
to a brick wall. And it still does. But but
I'm not reacting to us anymore. And I've got a
couple of techniques that I will use if I do
speak to her again.

Speaker 2 (23:41):
Well you've done. You've done great, Louise, And I think
you know that the insight you've given us is just
outstanding in terms of, you know, actually something that any
of us can do. So thank you so much for
that that experience tonight wonderful, no problem, go well thanks thanks. Yeah, Look,
I mean, and that's that's the thing, right, it's it's

(24:01):
actually it will yeah, but also too as it doesn't
necessarily mean that you are going to get resolution, like
Louise hasn't got your resolution with her sister, but she
has found a way to actually be able to process
the hurts, the confused feelings that it's produced.

Speaker 3 (24:19):
And it does take time too, I mean often, you know,
we can make that. This is the other thing about estrangement, right, Like,
I mean, I've talked to people about this a lot
over the years in different circumstances, and I think the
other important thing is you don't have to make a
decision for the rest of your life. You just have
to make a decision for now. So right now you
don't wish to have any contact with someone, you can
do that for now. That might change in a year

(24:40):
or two or five, we don't know, but actually we
don't have to commit to it forever.

Speaker 2 (24:46):
Somebody else here who's texted about a strange estrangement and
they just said, look, you know, it's been very good
for me. My sister is an active p user and
my daughter has been with someone who has affairs, and
so being able to have that distance has been quite helpful.

Speaker 3 (25:01):
Yeah, to keep that, to keep your own psychological space clear, shall.

Speaker 2 (25:05):
We say, Well, those two things, you know, infidelity and
drug use a lot of drama around those kinds of things,
and by drama, a lot of you know, high emotions,
lots of complicated scenarios going on, and to be honest,
you know, a lot of us would say I don't
know if I have time for that.

Speaker 3 (25:21):
And a lot to be said for a peaceful life.

Speaker 2 (25:23):
I don't mean that in like a callous way. It's
just sort of saying, you know that that's a lot
and unless those people are looking to either resolve the
drug addiction or do something around the relationship, it can
be very texting it. Have you heard the term energy vampires. Yeah,
you know, like the idea that people just take all
this time and energy from you and it's never really real.

Speaker 3 (25:45):
It's one way relationships where we feel like we don't
get much back, but we give a hell of a lot.

Speaker 2 (25:50):
Yeah, exactly, And that can be something you need to
watch out for as well, because it can just end
up taking a never ending toll on you. We're going
to take a break. We come back. I've got Terry
and Suzie on the line, so we're going to come
to them as soon as we can. Back soon here
on the Nutters Club, the Nutters Class on News Talks,
there'd be welcome back to the show. We'll go straight
to the lines, Terry, good eaven to you.

Speaker 4 (26:14):
Hi, how are you?

Speaker 9 (26:15):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (26:15):
Good Terry, thanks for corn.

Speaker 4 (26:20):
I have a situation where well, I've got two sisters
and when my father passed away in two thousand and six,
I came back from overseas having I says, for thirty

(26:48):
five years to take care of my mum.

Speaker 10 (26:55):
She needed assistant, and subsequently.

Speaker 4 (27:06):
Both of my sisters have effectively dumped us, one of
whom we haven't heard from for.

Speaker 10 (27:20):
Oh god, I don't know about.

Speaker 4 (27:23):
Eight and nine years. We have no idea where she
is or where her kids are. She had two children,
boy and girl, and my other sister and her children, husband, etc.

(27:47):
Moved from the South down to the South Island. We
live in Auckland, so it's a hell of a long trip,
which is difficult for my mother to make because she's
now ninety five and I don't know what to do anymore.

Speaker 2 (28:17):
You know, it sounds like it's taking a real toll
on you. Terry, mm hmm, yeah.

Speaker 4 (28:24):
It is, it is, you know, I mean I would
I would love to know my my Anisa's and nephews.

Speaker 2 (28:39):
Have you have you expressed that to them? Have you
let them know that?

Speaker 4 (28:43):
Oh? Yeah, on many occasions. The unfortunate thing is, and
this is.

Speaker 10 (28:54):
Difficult to say, I'm a.

Speaker 4 (28:57):
Gay man and my brother in law has made things
exceptionally for me to try and have a relationship with

(29:24):
my nieces and nephews.

Speaker 3 (29:29):
And I'm saying that that's because of his judgment about
your sexuality. In some way, he's homophobic.

Speaker 4 (29:38):
Ye, he's the bottom line, you know.

Speaker 11 (29:43):
And my mum, whom I take care of here in Auckland,
we'll live in a townhouse, has.

Speaker 4 (30:04):
Phone contact with my sister frequently and occasionally maybe once
a year, going back a number of years to twenty god.

Speaker 10 (30:25):
Two thousand and seven.

Speaker 4 (30:33):
They come up occasionally and see my mum, but they
totally refuse to see me. And I can understand that.

Speaker 10 (30:51):
In some respects.

Speaker 4 (30:53):
From my brother in law, but my sister I can't.

Speaker 9 (31:01):
Because she.

Speaker 4 (31:04):
When I came, when I came back to Auckland having
lived overseas for thirty five forty.

Speaker 5 (31:12):
Years, it was, I.

Speaker 10 (31:23):
Don't know how to put it, it was.

Speaker 4 (31:29):
Like I don't know, I don't know anyway. She used
to come around to see myself and my partner every Friday,
have a couple couple of wines and spend a couple
of hours in chat and all of a sudden that stopped,

(31:53):
and subsequently.

Speaker 10 (31:57):
I have.

Speaker 4 (31:59):
Me personally, I have no contact with any of my
family apart from my mother who milografter. She's ninety five.

Speaker 2 (32:12):
So Terry, what am I here? What I'm what I'm
hearing here is that is about how the situation is
impacting on you, And it sounds to me like it's
impacting really hard and creating a lot of upset for
you on a lot of different fronts. So, Kyle, you know,
in this instance where you know, I mean Terry, you're
dealing with something pretty hard there when you've got homophobia

(32:34):
in the family and that you know, this is obviously
a direct connection on you. What is the best thing
that Terry could do in the in the now, you know,
in the next couple of days, in terms of what
you can do around this relationship, because it sounds like
he's quite isolated from this whole thing.

Speaker 3 (32:51):
Well, I think the isolation actually is the first thing
that I'd really want to encourage you to deal with, Terry.
I think the first step, because it's the bit that
you can control directly yourself, is really encourage you to
get some support for yourself. You may wish to do
that with a general counselor or a psychotherapist psychologist. Certainly
it would be very much in the wheelhouse of experienced therapist.

(33:13):
You may also want to look at perhaps accessing someone
who specializes in sexuality issues, because that's effectively what's hit
the fractures and the relationship in your family right And
there's a couple of services here in Auckland, you might
even know of them. Outline Altered is probably the main
one that I would recommend, and I say that because
I think it's the bit that you can control. What's

(33:33):
really hard is that you can't control what the rest
of your family does in the short term. But I
think it's really important then you get that support for yourself,
because I hear the sadness and pain in your voice
about these relationships ending. But unless someone is willing to
come to the table and repair that, then that's really
hard to shift things. But starting to get some support
for yourself and maybe strategize some other ways that you

(33:56):
can start to talk to them about it and express
things can be useful. But I hear that you need support.

Speaker 2 (34:02):
And also Terry, I just want to say you know,
bringing all this up with us tonight is quite quite
a lot. And so another great service which you can
reach out to would be one seven three seven. So
that's a free phone number. Sound like it should have
more numbers, but it's just four numbers at will Connect
and that's got a whole bunch of really great train
counselors on the other end of the line. They can
also put you in touch with some other services if

(34:22):
need be, and if you just want to text them,
and that's not just for you, Terry, anyone else listening,
you can just send a text to one seven three
seven as well and you'll talk to a real life
human being on the other end.

Speaker 3 (34:33):
If you want to find out more information about Outline,
that is just outline dot org dot nz. They're based
here in Saint Mary's Bay in Auckland.

Speaker 2 (34:42):
Terry, thank you so much for your call and all
the best to you. We're going to talk to Susie.
Good morning to you, Susie.

Speaker 8 (34:49):
Good morning.

Speaker 12 (34:50):
How are you?

Speaker 9 (34:50):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (34:51):
Good? Thank you for holding on. You've been very patient.

Speaker 8 (34:53):
It's okay. I've got a lovely story to tell you
about my mom and I please growing up in the
alcoholic home, which we did. Mama and I never got
on for quite a few are years. Actually, it was
just a love and hate relationship. Really. I made out

(35:13):
I loved her and I didn't at all because I
didn't like the way she treated me sometimes, but I
would give it back. I was to blame for a
lot in the home and that as well. And when
she stopped drinking, I was still living at home then
and we would still fight and argue and we just

(35:34):
I hated her. I absolutely hated her. And then one
day there was a place down at Q Hospital called
Ruana Clinic for Drug and Alcohol Services. Went she went
down there, and I went down there too, with the
families of alcoholics, and she went to Queen Mary to
be to have a treatment program up there, which she

(35:55):
would have heard of. And she was up there for
six weeks. And in the middle of that six weeks,
they had what you call family Week, and that means
you could invite someone to go up and share with
the week with the parents, and Mom invited me. Well,
what a turnaround in life, guys. It was absolutely fabulous,

(36:16):
and that one week we got our relationship back. I
found out who my mother was.

Speaker 5 (36:23):
Sorry.

Speaker 8 (36:24):
It took a lot of work, but it was well
worth it in the end. So we had to both
work really, really really hard to be mother and daughter again.
And she became my very best friend and a proper mother.
It was just fabulous. And she lived in a home
in christ Church and I was visiting her. I went

(36:46):
up there and visited her lots, and she was taking
me down the hallway to go to a room, and
she grabbed my hands she said, I love you, darling,
and the next day she rang me up. The next
night I went home a course back from Christchurch, and
on the Thursday.

Speaker 2 (37:01):
Night I.

Speaker 8 (37:04):
Ran her like I normally would on a Thursday night,
and she had the last where did she see? This's
love you, sweetheart? And I got a phone call three
o'clock weck next morning to say she had died.

Speaker 2 (37:17):
See first and foremost, I just want to say, well
done to both yourself and your mom for having the
courage to have those conversations and to make the effort.
And what a wonderful, what a wonderful end to her
life to be able to still be able to pick
up the phone and call her daughter and tell her

(37:39):
how much she loved her. You know, what a wonderful
final day to be able to have that experience in
your life. Any of us, seriously, Susy, any of us
would be that lucky to be able to have that
kind of experience on our final day. And I'm sure
you said love you too, Mum on the way back,
didn't you didn't go hey, sorry, Mum, I'm busy in
the supermarket. I'll call you later.

Speaker 8 (38:00):
Well, I always learned. I go to alan On and
I learned that you always blame one person for saying
it was their soul. It's never your fault. But in
a relationship, if something goes bad, it takes two. It's
both on. Both sides are the fault. And that's what
I learned in alan On. I go to alan On
to seek my new life out and I learned an

(38:22):
alan On it's not about Mum or anything like that.
It's about the programs about me and what I had
to do to get myself better?

Speaker 9 (38:30):
Is it?

Speaker 8 (38:31):
Or it takes two to bang up a relationship. And
that was Mum and night.

Speaker 2 (38:35):
Well, ellan On is amazing, So you know, well done
you for getting involved with them. They do incredibly great work.
But Susie, that is wonderful and I think you know,
what you've really illustrated here tonight is just that there
is hope. You know, you can that there is the
potential for resolution, and it can actually make things so
much better for all people involved.

Speaker 8 (38:55):
And I have a lovely relationship with my sisters and
my brother. I just wish Moe was going to be
here in two weeks to celebrate my sixties. I will
daily miss for very much here.

Speaker 2 (39:07):
Well, you know, the way that we keep people alive,
right is by sharing our memories of them. So on
your sixties, you know, you just make sure that you
tell a couple of stories about Mum, and you know
that it's amazing when you do that, how we can
bring the memory of somebody alive and then it feels
just like they might just be with us for a
couple of moments, even if it's just by memory.

Speaker 8 (39:27):
Okay, thanks guys, Good.

Speaker 2 (39:29):
On you, Susie, You're awesome.

Speaker 3 (39:30):
Go well, but it's a very powerful process that I mean,
I'd be interested in hearing from other people who may
have been through it. I mean, I know that higher
ground in Auckland, he still has a very similar process
with family groups where people who are in treatment can
nominate or invite parents or partners or children or whomever
they might like to be part of their treatment, but

(39:51):
also have an opportunity to speak and to hear from them.
It could be very distressing and challenging process, but often
a very very rewarding one.

Speaker 2 (40:01):
Yeah, and I think it's what you're saying that it
can be quite confronting for all parties, but it can
also be, you know, really good for people to actually
understand because you may not.

Speaker 3 (40:11):
Know, No, you may not know the impact that your
addiction has had on people. Because you know the whom
we're in an active addiction. We don't often pay attention
to others around us.

Speaker 2 (40:21):
Okay, I got a text he car This one just says,
my son is not speaking to me. I have suffered
from depression for about fifty five years. I wasn't myself
and I got irritable with him and a text to me.
I was asked to have you got that piece of wood?
I replied yes, I wasn't well. I didn't realize he
was coming to work on a bedroom door that he

(40:43):
was making for me. I presumed he was just picking
up the piece of wood. That's not the first time
he's done it to me last time I wrote to
him and we turned things around. He just doesn't understand depression,
and I'm just not my normal self. I'm unwell, of
course this makes me worse. He's fifty four, I'm seventy nine.
So just it sounds like, you know, there's some general
communication frustrations going on there. But what you know, look

(41:07):
something it is just reading it something as sort of
minor as you know, I thought you meant this, and
you meant that and stuff. But it's also affecting the
texture with their depression as much, like how do you
how can you go about actually trying to resolve those
kind of communication breakdowns, you know, to put it really bluntly,
everyone just ends up annoying each other.

Speaker 3 (41:27):
Well, I think to start small and then I'll go big.
I think the small answer would be if you find
that messaging by text is causing misunderstandings, cool, don't text
because it's not a great way to communicate and there's
lots of room to misunderstand if misunderstandings is a feature
of the relationship.

Speaker 2 (41:46):
Right, Texting is.

Speaker 3 (41:48):
Great for get milk.

Speaker 2 (41:52):
Right, Yeah, it's pretty much that go to for shopping lists.

Speaker 3 (41:55):
It's not great for sorting out relationships, and we're going
to often find ourselves in that tangle. It's really really common.
So that would be the small suggestion. I think the
biggest suggestion is if you're having if you feel like
there's a there's a question of miss understanding or not
fully understanding what you experienced was depression, it may be
worth considering having a counseling session the two of you

(42:15):
together to actually have some space and time to talk.

Speaker 2 (42:18):
That through if you feel like that's what's.

Speaker 3 (42:19):
Really getting in the way of being able to understand
and get the help and connection and support that you
might need, because, let's face it, if someone hasn't experienced it,
it can be really hard to understand.

Speaker 2 (42:32):
This isn't my family, But I know someone who was
having a text battle with a family member and it
was interesting because I should laugh, but I'm going to.
It was interesting because it was clearly that one of
the family members, who was a bit younger and so
should we just say it wasn't wasn't the most articulate texture.
It was very clear that they had found that chat

(42:52):
GPT can help write text messages as well, and that
that quality improved, and so all of a sudden. It
was kind of like like, nah, that that's not what
happens to I refute your argument regarding the incidents of
which we have been speaking on this matter going forward.
I would like it very much if it was you know,
it was kind of and and it was just amazing

(43:15):
because I got shorter and I just said, oh, yeah, no,
they've found chat bit gpt good on them, you know,
because it's it's there to help, right, you know. And
and actually the argument was getting presented quite well. At
its core, it was still the same argument. Look, I
take your point. I think sometimes the conversations need to
be either face to face.

Speaker 3 (43:36):
It still surprises me sometimes when I'll have a client
in my office and they'll be explaining a conflict that
they're in and explaining an argument they've been having with
someone in their life, and I just assume, maybe it's
because I'm old, that they're talking about a conversation that
they had, And then sometimes the halfway through cotton, oh,
having you having this over text? Oh no, no, no, no,
this is mistake.

Speaker 2 (43:57):
Right, Okay, try and try and keep it in person.
We're going to take a break, we come back. We've
got Joe, We've got Josh. I got a couple of
more texts as well, back in the mow Nutters Club.
Well on news talks, I'd be okay, let's go straight
back to the lines. We've got Joe. Good morning to you, Joe.

Speaker 13 (44:18):
Ah hi, dear, Yeah, lovely to hear guys sharing with
the people's experiences with a family conflict shall we say,
civil rivalry and silent and so forth. I found through

(44:42):
my life is just basically to look after my mother
and my father because I never really fit it in
with the rest of my lots, shall we say, and
my dad did. My father did say to me in life,

(45:05):
you've got to throw your own boat, and that is
completely what I have done, and it just makes you resilient.

Speaker 2 (45:16):
It hurts.

Speaker 13 (45:17):
But because you know you've got siblings that is say,
care about you?

Speaker 10 (45:22):
Something dressed that goes wrong?

Speaker 2 (45:29):
Well, I like boating analogies, so so that that works
for me, Joe, I get you.

Speaker 4 (45:35):
Oh.

Speaker 13 (45:35):
And the other thing is is that.

Speaker 12 (45:39):
With Cherry, Yes, yes, Cherry, he wants to to contact me,
I can lead my number off here.

Speaker 2 (45:53):
Sure, Yeah, yeah, yep, look at that. That's that you know,
we're we're happy to happiness to do that if if
you like, yeah, I mean, look, it's it's really hard
for Terran and I can't kind of hear in his
voice that he was just trying so hard to make
sense of why this was happening and for people to
understand the heads that they're kill causing, you know.

Speaker 13 (46:16):
It's a heartbreaking. I do know someone who is sort
of feeling that same type of thing where it seems
to be the youngest that cops actually that however, and anyway,
the thing is, it's a tough it's a tough number

(46:42):
when it comes to thinking that you've got a family.
You've got to make your own family. That could be
like just a smile to someone your walking pass, not
let their family make friendships for a book reading club
or something.

Speaker 5 (47:02):
You know.

Speaker 2 (47:02):
Yeah, yep, and I agree with all that, And I
think it's really important that relationships can in different ways
and shapes and sizes. But ultimately, you know, the ones
that you know are our family, they tend to be
the ones that we always have sticking around, you know.
So I guess it's that you can still make your
own family, but it doesn't mean to say that you

(47:24):
still have the one in front of you that you
need to find a way to have a relationship with
or not.

Speaker 13 (47:32):
All right, So is there a cap off point where
you know that it's toxic.

Speaker 2 (47:37):
Well, look, I think that that depends on the individual,
and that's something we've discussed tonight, right, Kyle.

Speaker 3 (47:41):
Yeah, it's really hard to make rules about these things.
I mean, I think because you know, that's always such
a history and as I mean, I really like that
you can only row your own boat, because we often
say something similar here on the show, which is an
old AA saying, have you know, keep your own side
of the street clean? And that's actually one of the
challenges with family is that we can't get other people
to change if they don't want to, but we can

(48:02):
take responsibility for our own actions and the changes that
we wish to see. And I think it does come
down to harm, you know, I think that that we
it's had. Paradoxically, it's harder to know with family when
they've crossed that line, because we tend to put up
with more, frankly from family because of the nature of
those bonds. And often that's based on the idea that

(48:25):
we think if we try harder, we can fix it somehow,
or you know, we can make it different if we
just keep trying. But that's often where the pain happens.

Speaker 13 (48:34):
I think, yes, yes, I think that's a good analogy.
But yes, so if I can leave my number for Terry.

Speaker 2 (48:44):
Great, I'll put you back on hold. Joe and the
producers of Boris or Jimmy will grab that from you now.
And Terry, if you're listening, if you're you're interested in
having a chat with Joe when we can some try
and sort that out for you. Okay, I'm going to
go to this text message we've had sent through so
listening to this one, Calm says. My dad's mum and

(49:05):
I were very close. I was here first grandchild. She
used to give me money. I became to depend on it,
and I moved into her house and kept your company.
About twenty two years ago, I moved to Napier and
I did that after a rather bad breakup. I'm leaving,
sorry and leaving Dunedain. I left my family, most importantly

(49:27):
my son. My family found out about the money, and
my aunt tried to have me arrested. My parents fought
about it. They're okay now, though I blame myself. I
don't know how to let it go. My son won't
talk to me. I didn't see me. I didn't see
myself as a good father. I now have three kids
in Napier and I don't want to be in Napier either.

(49:49):
I'm lost. It's a lot going on there in that
family relationship.

Speaker 3 (49:53):
Yeah, there is a mint. It sounds awful to have
gotten to the place where obviously someone's assumed that the
money that has been given has been taken away that
was illegal, which is awful, which to me just says, Look,
there are some really massive misunderstandings, really huge feelings, and
some really or communication channels that don't exist basically for

(50:16):
that situation to come about. But to come back to
the texture as an individual, I think it sounds to
me like you need to go and talk to a therapist,
you know when you say, I don't want to be
here either. And that's a huge amount of grief and
loss and complication in the past which is clearly interfering
with your day to day life and relationships. And that's

(50:37):
what therapy is for. It's to help us sort out
that wreckage in the past that is interfering with our
life now. And so I think you're going to really
need to find a way to access that support. You
could start with your GP so it's a good place
to start. They can often link you into networks, but
also sometimes just jumping online and having a look. There's
a couple of great websites talk therapy, dot code or

(50:59):
and zed is a great one. But actually just googling
counselor and your area often brings up people and feel
free to make contact and see if there's someone that
you kind of like the look of, because that's really
important too.

Speaker 2 (51:10):
And also, like I said earlier, you can also give
one seven three seven correct call and just talk through
this first, you know, just trying to you know, communicate
the story because it's a lot and I know that
there's probably a lot more details of that than than
we can do through a text message. But give it
a go and start that because I think actually once
you start talking about it with other people, yeah, you know,

(51:32):
that's actually where you'll start to perhaps get some insight
into what you can do differently. Thanks so much for
the text and all the best. I've got a text
message here and I just think this is this is
really at the crux. You know, one of the things
that we've been talking about tonight, and it's a relatable
situation I think for many people who will be listening. Okay,

(51:52):
and this is the text just says A broader question
would be, how do you navigate funerals and weddings when
they have split and rejected family members.

Speaker 3 (52:05):
Yeah, one option is don't a wedding.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
I don't invite them. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (52:11):
Well, I mean I'm being a little bit facetious, but
I think I mean it's an answer. Well, it is
an answer in a way. Look, it's really difficult, and
I think that if I actually have fairly strict boundaries
around some of the stuff, because I think actually it's
okay to expect people to behave well and if they can't,
then they shouldn't come. Actually, especially if it's your wedding.

(52:35):
Probably less cheous if it's your funeral, But if it's
your wedding, then actually you get to decide, and yes,
you might have to wear the some storms around that,
but if people have a history of not behaving, they
don't get to come. Another way through that, which is
a bit gentler, is actually having pre empting conversations with
family kind of saying this is my expectation you know,

(52:55):
I'm going to put you and your ex on different
tables at opposite ends of the room, and I expect
you to behave and if you don't, then I'll expect
you to leave, you know, because it actually comes down
to boundaries. I think a lot of this stuff and
being really clear about what our expectations are. And if
people can't hear that, then they're kind of answering the question,
aren't they gotcha?

Speaker 2 (53:15):
No, I think that's that's fair. So look, I hope
that's that's helpful.

Speaker 13 (53:19):
You know.

Speaker 3 (53:20):
I know this is tough, especially with weddings, but generally speaking,
don't pour too much alcohol on the problem, please, you know,
because in all seriousness, that's often when things go from
going okay to sideways.

Speaker 4 (53:31):
Right.

Speaker 2 (53:32):
Yeah, Yeah, it's like I'm going to say something now
I may not have three hours ago. Yes, thanks to
some of the libations, I now feel embolden to have
that conversation. Yes, it's the same guys, for you know,
texting or calling after perhaps if you've had a few drinks, don't.

Speaker 3 (53:50):
Yeah, absolutely, And as you're just one last thing on
the wedding's infernerance because I just I just remember that
I had someone who I thought. I thought this was
a really good idea. It was a complicated family situation,
but in short, what they did was they actually allocated
effectively and in law so one of the family members partners,
husband or wife to just keep an eye on the
family member. Nothing obvious, nothing difficult, just run a bit

(54:14):
of interference, make sure they didn't drink too much, make
sure they didn't approach the wrong people and have the
wrong conversation. And the person was up for the job right,
and actually worked quite well.

Speaker 2 (54:24):
I got asked to do that at a wedding once, right, yeah,
and I didn't know the person, but I got told,
you can keep an eye on them. We're going to
sit you beside this person at the ceremony and if
they if they look like they're going to do something,
can can you just like politely help kind of like
usher them out of the And I was like, I'm

(54:45):
not going to strong art them. I'm not a bouncer.
But now they said no, just like you know, kind
of maybe it's now, it's not the best time. Let's
just save this you hey, you and I can go
over here and have a chat, you know, but just
kind of try to like keep the money control. And
it is quite funny because the person was not stupid

(55:05):
at all. They knew what you're up to when they
sort of sorry, I got sat there and they did
it was it was it was a woman and she
she was She wasn't that much older than myself actually,
and she said to me, she goes, oh have you
been have you been put here to keep an eye
on me? And I just said, yeah, something like that.
I just played along with it, and actually we had
a great yarn and I think she felt more at

(55:27):
ease where I didn't say, oh, what are you talking about?
I didn't know what you're talking about. It wasn't like that. No,
it was just kind of like, you know, we played
along where it was like yeah, I was like, I'm
I've got to make sure that everything's cool, you know.
And and she was like, how did you get that job?
And I was like, I don't know. I guess they
don't like me very much, so you know, but either way,
we made it fun and you.

Speaker 3 (55:47):
Gave her a conversation to distract from whatever was on
her mind.

Speaker 2 (55:50):
Yeah. Yeah, and actually she was she was great and
there was no issue. So job done, well done, Thank you,
let's go back to the lines Shell. We will go
to Josh. Josh, good morning to you.

Speaker 6 (56:03):
It was yeah, good yarn, it's good show.

Speaker 2 (56:07):
Thanks.

Speaker 6 (56:09):
Yeah, And I need to talk about family dynamics and
communicating with family members, et cetera. Yes, so many different
side subjects come into that day and I try not
to get too into those, but yeah, you're like, because

(56:31):
if you're early, if your early relationships are the ones
that enable you, like, that's your behavior moving forward. You know, Like,
sometimes you know, there's situations out there where people aren't

(56:53):
just people, aren't people people. You know, like for some situation,
when they were younger, they may have been isolated quite
a lot, and the idea of trying to yeah, sort
of communicate with people can be quite difficult. So they've

(57:15):
become reclose.

Speaker 2 (57:17):
Yep, yep, that definitely happens.

Speaker 6 (57:20):
Yeah, that's that's kind of rough way. But you know,
one thing, one thing I did, I won't give.

Speaker 14 (57:30):
You that total detail of it, but a few weeks ago,
so I got my marriage broke up five years ago.
I've been living alone in this time.

Speaker 6 (57:46):
But a few weeks ago I rung one seven three seven, Yeah,
because I was so overwhelmed with all the stuff that
I was holding on to, but relationship wise, I had
nobody to confide in. Like this kind of stuff, you

(58:09):
wish there was someone there, like, you know, like a
holy man sitting on a hill, you know, you could
just hit him up and say, hey, guy, I'm sitting
with this, and I got nobody to confind in, can
find and can you give us a hand with this?
Because it was too much for you know, one person

(58:30):
just to process and hold on to that. The other
thing I wanted to mention too, was because of personal boundaries,
it would have not been acceptible for me to offload
that on, say my best mate or a close friend,

(58:51):
because I think that's that's that's wrong too, Like I
shouldn't be like, surely if it was troubleshooting something in particular,
but this was full on emotional distress. So I'm like,
you wish you had a father figure there, and there's
nobody there, you know, And I could imagine that there

(59:13):
would be a lot of people who may not have
people to confide in as far as who do you
bounce ideas off? You know, like people want to know
they're not sane for starters, you know, you hang out

(59:33):
with yourself too long in isolation.

Speaker 3 (59:36):
So did using one seven three seven and that situation
work for you?

Speaker 6 (59:41):
It was a relief, man, It was like it was
like I was. I went from a situation where I
had access to counseling for a good period of time
for about three four years, and then I lost that resource.
I also lost the finances to pay for further therapy.

(01:00:05):
So I kind of what I did, Man, I feel
like I kind of ripped off the bandage there or
wasn't sure how to sort of deal with it from there.
And I still feel like I'm there, like I learned
a lot from therapy, but what I've done is sort
of left at half half baked, like I need Like, yeah,

(01:00:31):
I kind of I do need a psychotherapist. I do
not have three hundred and fifty dollars an hour to
pay A psychotherapist.

Speaker 3 (01:00:39):
Shouldn't cost that much that that. Hopefully you should be
able to find someone for much less than that. I
mean I charge one way, I charge about half that,
so you know, So, yeah, I think it's important. I
guess I'm saying it's important to shop around, but I
also think it's it's great if you know that you
can use one seven three seven as as kind of
a top up when you need to that. I mean

(01:01:02):
sometimes you have to wait fifteen twenty minutes, half an
hour sometimes if they're super busy, but just to know
that service is there to have a bit of a
top up. And like you say, because sometimes it's not
so much that we don't want a burden friends, but
actually sometimes all the information we need to share is
not necessarily ours. And so you've been thoughtful about privacy,
which makes it tricky too.

Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
Way, Josh, we've got to take a break, but thank
you so much for your call tonight, and excellent to
hear that you know one seven three seven has been
have helped you, guys, and it's really good to get
kind of feedback from people. I mean, here we are
saying give it a go, so I appreciate that insight.
I'm going to churn jump into this text message you've
got here. Cole says, thank you for your comment about

(01:01:40):
self protection.

Speaker 9 (01:01:41):
A y.

Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
My mother in law was poison for twenty years. At
one stage, I refused any contact for four months. It helped,
but soon her bullying and threatening behavior returned. After she died,
my whole life changed. I don't know how we survived.
I believe the best lesson is don't continue to tolerate

(01:02:02):
a situation that won't change. Yeah it's poison.

Speaker 3 (01:02:07):
Yeah, look, thank you for that text. It's really important.
And I think acceptance is so hard because it's one
of those things that's easy to say, oh, we should
just accept it. But accept this doesn't mean making it okay.
It doesn't mean resignation or giving up on doing something different.
What it means is figuring out, really clearly and honestly,

(01:02:29):
what is it that I can control and what is
beyond my control. And one of the biggest problems with
family relationships is we feel like we can control that
which is within not within our control. We feel like
we can get the other person to change, and actually
it's really hard to accept that someone is toxic and
harmful and abusive and we can't do anything about that,

(01:02:49):
but we can do something about whether or not we
have a relationship with that.

Speaker 2 (01:02:58):
Well that's it for this episode of The Nutters Club.
Thanks to all the excellent calls and texts, as well
as psychotherapist Cale MacDonald. If you liked what you heard
and think might help someone out there, then please share
this episode on your own channels or with family and friends.
And if you ever want to be part of the show,
then give us a call or text. When we broadcast

(01:03:19):
live on Newstalk SETB eleven pm Sunday nights, New Zealand
standard time. Check out NEWSTALKZETB dot co dot z for
local frequencies or a link to the live stream. A
big thanks to New Zealand on Air for their ongoing
support and making the show. Take care and always remember
that the world's a better place with you in it.

(01:03:41):
Life it isn't easy, it is, however, with it.

Speaker 1 (01:03:52):
For more from news Talk SETB, listen live on air
or online, and keep our shows with you wherever you
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