February 13, 2026 • 36 mins
Many parents will be starting to feel the exhaustion from getting back into school and extracurriculars.
We often go into the new year with high expectations of ourselves - like completely homemade school lunches, no takeout, keeping on top of house work - but quickly realise there was a reason we weren't accomplishing all that last year.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk SEDBD.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
And welcome back to the Weekend Collective fro Tim Beverage.
The number is one hundred eighty text nine two nine two.
This is the Parents Squad where you know, we talk
about all sorts of things in relation to parenting, which
is I guess what you'd expect on a show called
The Parents Squad, wouldn't you? But anyway, so look many
parents in fact, I'll actually be honest, I think I'm
(01:05):
one of them. The year has started and you get
ready for it and you think, oh god, I think
I'm naked already, so you know, so be parents already
here are just looking at the year ahead, and especially
if you're an experienced parent and you know what's ahead,
who'll be feeling exhaustion from the getting back to school
and the extra curriculars and looking you know, we often
go into the new year. You've got the expectation that
(01:27):
you're going to be ahead of the ball. You have
dinner ready in the end of the day, school lunches,
you well ahead of that, keep on top of the housework.
But then you realize there's a reason you weren'to accomplishing
all that last year, and it's the question is around
becoming burnt out as a parent and how much do
you need to prioritize yourself to avoid being absolutely naked,
(01:48):
not even not at the end of the year, but
at the start of the year. So what have you
found causes this exhaustion at the start of the year,
And how important is it to prioritize yourself as a parent?
I mean it sounds sort of like a selfish question.
But anyway to dig into it, he is, well, he
is the Dowian of the parents Squad. Here's John Cowen.
(02:09):
I don't know it's going to try and come up
with a whole bunch of other metaphors and descriptions John,
But anyway, how are you.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I'm doing very well? Thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
It sounds like a selfish question, doesn't it, to say
you've got to look after yourself. I mean, there's look
I can can I give you all an out? Yes,
give me an out, okay.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
And that is you've got to look after your children's
most important.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Resource, which is you?
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Which is you? So you can be selfish for the
least selfish reasons, meaning if you wanted your kids to
be happy and resilient and confident. They need to see happy, resilient,
confident parents. And that means from the limited amount of
time you have and the limited amount of budget you've got,
you've got a portion some of that for maintenance, which
(02:55):
means coffee if your mates, means having a subscription to
the to the local golf club, it means heading out
over the horizon on your fishing expedition if your mate.
It's not with your kids, just because your kids deserve
well maintained parents.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
It's not that isn't easy out actually, because I sort
of thought, you know, oh you can't parents start look parentings,
because the part of my voice, part of my mind
was thinking, oh, look, you know, just tough enough. Parenting
is has its challenges, and yes it is more busy
looking after kids and giving them to and fro, so
(03:33):
just suck it up. So that's what I'm sort of.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
Thinking, Well, look, we do have the advantage of being
a few years on in our parenting. Can I just say,
first up, the toughest year of your life is probably
your first year of your first child.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
And you know that's interesting, I reckon that's the top
to just point your microphone up there so we don't
have to tweak out. There we go. That's that, Oh,
there we go.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Yeah, the first year of your first life, first year
of your first life, not to incarnation that much, my
first year of your first child. I reckon, that is
just all your sleep goes, your body gets knocked about.
It's just endless sickness, expenses, reduced income. It's so stressful.
(04:21):
And so if you've got through that, you know, see,
I reckon, it gets easier and easier.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
So think of it like that. We actually I'd love
to know what people think about that. What's the most
stressful year of parenthood? I do? Look, I think for me,
I found that now that the girls are sort of
like tweens or teens, you know, twelve thirteen, fourteen on
that stage. It is a lovely stage, but they are
so busy, and that I mean, I think kids are
(04:48):
busier than for me. When I was a kid, what
I used to have used to learn the piano, and
I was crazy about volleyball, so did one artistic sort
of thing and I did volleyball. Whereas my daughters are
into you know, a collection of things, whether it be
multip you to ballet classes because one of them loves ballet.
The other ones into it as well, hockey, netball, volleyball, band,
(05:13):
learning instrument. Look, it's busy, okay.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
As a general rule, busy kids do well. Yeah, busy
kids as a general rule, reassurance from it. But they
can get too busy. And so it's part of your job,
I guess as a parent, because they won't be able to,
is to monitor when they are getting too stressed.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
And so we already have made that call with some
of the extracurricular We just said, honey, this is what
you're going to have on this year. You're going to
have X, Y and Z.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
You're really going to I mean, you say to your kids,
you know, do as much as you want and as
much as you can. But if you start to fall
behind in your schoolwork, if you start to your sleep
starts getting messed around, if we see you're not keeping well,
what's going to be the first to go? So you
do put it back on them to a certain extent,
what's going to be the first thing you're going to
have to give up? And they probably say school, but no,
(06:07):
you know, I mean, so you're starting to wise them
up that hey, I've got to manage my own stress,
my own mental health by making sure of that. I'm
realizing that I'm flesh and blood and can only do
so much.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Did you okay, I'm looking after yourself as a parent.
Did you ever have to have a moment where you thought,
you know, I'm not coping very well with this. I
need to take some time for me. It's difficult to
think that consciously bubble to the surface. Probably not until
later on in my parenting. There are certainly times when
when you get that fizzy brain feeling of just there's
(06:41):
just a bit too much. And that's the thing I
mean when you're usually in your first years of parenthood.
It's often also when you're in the throes of trying
to build your career or your business. It's when you're
suddenly doing things like taking out mortgages and all your
money gets sucked into a sump that didn't know about.
(07:01):
And so there's lots of other stresses, and sometimes maybe
early in your relationship too, and you're still learning how
to get on with this person that you're now in
a partnership with. So yeah, stress could be coming from
lots of different sources, and so you do need those
things that help you cope with stress, which might be
(07:22):
doing something physical if your body, you know, doing out
and doing it, going for a run, a walk or
or something. And also just doing all those other things
which have proven to be good for stress, sleep, good diet,
some musics, friendships, relationships, all those things that are so
hard when you've got little kids hanging off you as well.
(07:43):
So that's why you do need to consciously plan you.
Funny is those same skills that make you good at
work to actually make you good at being. Actually my
way of coping with things when I have noticed that
the start of this year has been pretty full on,
but I just realized that the rule I follow is basically,
as soon as the kids are in bed, I decide, actually,
(08:04):
maybe i'll be soon. Maybe I'll follow suit shortly after.
As usually the answer to that, of course, I mean
the lack of sleep things the classic one. If you're
doing a whole lot of things with your kids and
then you start deciding, I've got to do some work
now at eight thirty nine, ten o'clock at night, then
that's when you're going to stretch yourself out.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
There is stress that comes on parents that you could
just drop you could get rid of from your life
with just a change of your mental attitude. We can
run of the best mottos you can have, especially if
you've got young children, to settle for less and settle
for mess. You know, if you just just say, hey,
I can actually down down scale some of my aspirations
(08:43):
about when I'm going to replace the car or where
we're going to go on holiday and things and settle
something less stressful. I'm going to set I'm going to
you know, And if you think you're going to maintain
the same standards of hygiene and home tidiness with little
kids and toddlers, you know, you're just want to stress
yourself out, and so yes, tidy the house up when
your kids go flatting?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Do you think kids? I shouldn't say kids all the time.
It irritates some of my listener's children. But are young
people today are they just suspect that people are too
that young people today are taking too much on or
I mean, how would you know when you're see I
was just thinking about I'm interrupting my questions. But see,
(09:27):
there'sn't there's school work, and then there's the stuff that
your children do extracurricular right, and I think the difficult
thing in terms of working out how much they should
do is because some of the stuff they do extracurricularly
is the stuff that makes them really feel good about themselves.
And that's a tough one because if you know you've
got a child who wants to do some particular activity
(09:49):
and they want to do a lot of it, how
do you actually work out you know that they can
do enough to give them that sense of balance and
everything without you've got to recreate, you know, how do
you limit it? If you think this is not you know.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
There's too much of a good thing, You've got to
rephrase it in terms of what else are they doing?
This often comes up and how much time should my
kids be playing video games? And the answer to that is, well,
what else are they doing? Are they doing their chores?
Are they mixing of their mates, are they playing a sport,
are they doing their homework, are they spending time with
their brother and sister? Are they reading a book? And
(10:23):
if they're doing all those other things, they probably need
an hour or two on the xbox to just, you know,
just to get the balance back in. So think of
it in terms of what else are they doing? Are
they getting enough sleep, are they joining in of family stuff?
Are they you know and so are they getting a
bit of downtime?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
What I mean, it's easy to get dramatic about this stuff.
And look, if you've just joined us, we're talking about,
you know, looking after yourself and avoiding as a parent,
getting burnt out too soon at the start of the year.
I mean, what would be a sign that you are
I don't want to overdramatize this either, because the fact
is life is busy, But what would be the signs?
(11:04):
Do you think that you need to actually just take
a breath yourself and think, hang on a minute, everything's
just got too frenetic too soon.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Well, I think everybody has different symptoms to stress, but
sometimes it's look, stress can impact your health, to compact
your relationships. If you find things are getting you're getting grumpy,
if your partner and things aren't sparking in the bedroom
and your end up having arguments over things you never
used to argue about. The first thing to look at
(11:32):
is what's our what's our major stress in our life
at the moment. So it can be relationships, it can
be your health when you digestion and your skin and
everything else. These things can be sort of litmus papers
for how much stress there is in your life. It's
it's when you start to notice that you're tipping back
a bit too much booze at night, if you're falling
into just habits of drawing from things that used to
(11:55):
give your pleasure and creativity. When you realize you're not
doing anything for yourself, these might be symptoms of stress.
And it's of course there's depression, his anxiety, and there's
bad sleeping and all these other things. So yeah, your
body will tell.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
You, yeah, you love your cause on this. And how
have you prioritized yourselves when it comes to being parents
so you can do the job of being a parent
and avoid being suffering from a little bit of burnout
yourself would love to have your calls as well. How
do you avoid it? But also, you know, how do
you juggle? Have you had to curtail the activities your
(12:31):
kids your children are undertaking, because that often can be
the source of a bit of tension because frankly, I mean,
how many mums and dads do you talk to if
you're at a sporting event? And the joke is, it's
like I've become the taxi again, where you're simply just
driving to and fro and to and fro. How much
extracurricular stuff is too much for children, do you think?
And if you actually had to cut back on it
(12:52):
with your family, how did you approach that if that's
what gives your kids, your children the joy? I love
your calls on this. On our eight hundred and eighty
ten and eighty, my guest is John Cowen. We'll be
back in just a moment. It is twenty past past five. God,
that's a burnoutsign twenty plus five Backsone news Talk said,
be we're talking about parent burnout. And you know our
parents sometimes overdoing it themselves, over committing themselves and not
(13:16):
asking for help. And I guess PEPs it does time
to the commitments your children undertake as well. Eight hundred
and eighty ten eighty ross.
Speaker 4 (13:23):
Hello, Hi there, how's it going good?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Thanks? He do?
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Yeah, I look it. Being a parent of three adults
and now with grandchildren, but also being an education system,
there's no doubt that activities, whether they cultural or sporting,
are good for kids, particularly the team concept where they
might be in an orchestra or drama production or the
hockey team or the like. And so there is the
(13:50):
team stuff. The other thing that those activities teach about
disappointment a controlled environment. It might be a loss, or
it might be a non selection, or it might be
they didn't get the role, and it allows kids to
be taught about. But yes, there is there is parental
burnout and the parents got to ask themselves are they
(14:11):
doing it for the kids or are they doing it
because they want to be there or seem to be there?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
And so that first thing, make sure what your kids
are doing is because they want to be doing it,
not because you want them to follow in your footsteps
and be, you know, living vicariously here.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
Yeah, well that's the boogie thing to be involved in.
So we better get by the kit and get involved.
And I have seen that. So but in the traditional
sense what you and I are probably talking about there
is great value. Kids have only got a certain amount
of energy and time and it's keeping it's up to
parents to keep that balance and talk to the kids
(14:48):
about the balance and what's on and what's off?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Have you had did you have to do that with
with yours in particular? Ross When you think about it,
it's like, listen, we're doing this, we not need to
think about this, Okay, So here's here's the here's the question.
And I don't like to talk specifically about my kids
too much on this because it's their business, but one
of my daughters is involved in quite a few things,
including a couple of team sports where she's in the
(15:11):
A teams for both, and there will be a time,
I think there'll be a time when I'll have to
say you're going to have to make a choice because
I mean or am I getting ahead of myself?
Speaker 4 (15:23):
No, no thinking right. We were certainly faced with that
where the kids. It was the first team sports, both
daughters selected in the same team and to formally qualify
and be selected for the year, they had to go
on their second trip to Australia. And we said to
(15:44):
the girls, look, you've got enough to be in the
team where you go to Australia or not. Just just
tell the school and they're quite happy about that.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
That's a hard one, So no overseas trip for you.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
Well no, yeah, but they brought into it and they said, yeah,
we get that that had the trips before, but.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
They think said SI can trip, wasn't it the second?
Speaker 4 (16:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Yeah, did you say you're involved in education yourself.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Yes, I was, Yes for a long time.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
I mean did you at what point did you? I mean,
you must have seen times when kids when you know,
children were over committed. You know what was sort of
the signs of it was it? Did you notice it?
With school worker? You just noticed that they're just I mean,
what were your observations as an educator?
Speaker 4 (16:30):
I think, I mean, as a school eadio, you've always
got to be on the lookout for is the school
wearing this kit out? And is their learning suffering? And
you've got to be ahead of that game and observe
it in that space. The important thing too for kids
and some of the kids that we certainly had, that
(16:51):
activity could be the point of contact in in an
adult world that they they are really enjoying and it's
getting them to school. Yeah, and so that's a different
gig from the burnout scenario you're talking about, but that
that sort of breeds the resilience and there's quite there's
(17:12):
there's significant papers on that stuff.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
If there's something something they can excel in that does
a wonderful, wonderful job of enhancing yourself esteem, or just
have or just have involvement.
Speaker 4 (17:24):
I don't think we can. You know, involvement and celebrating
winds and losses and stories, stories in the quad on
Monday morning are really important. It doesn't matter what level
or grade, there's that kind of sense of belonging. So
observations of burnouts back to your question, yeah, kind of
hard to see in kids. But when they start going off,
(17:46):
not getting assignments and for example, or not turning up
to practice, and so if you sort of go down
those rabbit holes of discovery in that space, you can
find out kids are over committed and they can be
significantly yeah, you know, for kids in an orchestra and
also likes to plan a and then there's a good
(18:07):
sports person. And oh, by the way, you know you'll
probably be in line for the lead in the school
show this year.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
But you'd probably agree that a busy kid usually does well.
It's the as long as they don't get too busy.
Busy kids do really well.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
I think to me, the question I would look at
would be if I saw my child, I mean, and
this is where it's so important to take your own
ego out of it, because if you've got a child
who's succeeding at extra curricular sports and stuff, and you
get a lot of joy out of it. But if
you see that they are really struggling with something, I mean,
you've got to recognize when their motivation is going, and
then that's time to you know, and not push them
(18:44):
on it. You know, because you do hear a parent saying, well,
you've made this commitment, you're going to keep going with it.
It's like, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (18:51):
No, i'd er to how are you feeling about what
is going? If you've started, you've got you maybe have
ideally you would finish it out. But if this is
telling on you, you make a choice and then go
and have a discussion early in the piece and one
on one discussion with the person, the coach, the director
or the conductor and say, look, I can't I can't
(19:12):
commit to this and meet the commitment I had. I
had it once with a boy and it was around
school leadership and he came back and said, geez, that
I found out what's involved. I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Wow. And that was that was a boy who was
turning down a leadership.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
Role, turning down the prefinct role.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Yeah, well, actually that's a really interesting call, Ross, because
I think that shows a fair bit of the amazing
thing rights is that kid, in making that decision, has
probably demonstrated the sort of judgment as to why you
want them to be a leader, because they they've obviously
looked at things. It's a you know what's what, it's
a two edged sword.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
The thing with teenagers is that sometimes what they say,
you know, they might say that they're too busy or something,
but it's because of a relationship problem they have with
the coach or another person on the team, or they're
feeling bullied or something, you know, So it could be
you'd have to just dig a little sometimes just to
find out what the real issue is.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:10):
Yeah, and some kids will keep it to themselves. They'll
want to keep it to themselves sometimes as well. Kids
all the best.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I appreciate your call, great caller. Bye bye. She texts here, saying,
I think our issue is seasonal. The best weather is
typically across the Christmas holiday as well. Anyway, the best
weather is typically across Christmas school holidays, so family try
and cram in a lot of out side activities before
school starts back. Compounded this year by summer being so
(20:42):
crappy maybe. I mean, if you're having the rights of
a holiday, I mean you should be relaxed. But I
mean a lot of people go on holiday and what
they need to get back to work to have it
to be able to relax almost And.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Maybe we wind out too much, maybe in the Northern
hemisphere with Christmas is you know, not compounded with your
major vacation times and things like that. Maybe we just
we do pile too much in the beginning of the year.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
And you know the other thing on I think the
other thing that contributes to parents having a sense of
burnout is is not understanding what their commitment is that
they're going to undertake. So I have to drive my
kids around and pick them up from school every nighty
and drive them to a practice or ballet all the time.
(21:30):
But you know what, John, I find that I feel
exhausted or a bit buggered if I haven't really taken
it into account that guess what, at four o'clock, my
time is their time. And I'm lucky I have a
job where that's my choice and I can do it.
But it's literally going whatever I have to do, but
(21:52):
that day, my day for doing it is between these
hours and once the time rolls around that I've got
to look after the girls, then I just go. If
you earmark that time, there's a massive amount of stress
that comes off because you're not trying to answer emails
and take phone calls and do whatever you should have
done in the preceding hours. I think that's that's a
(22:13):
huge And look, it's.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
Easily just bringing the skills that you learn in the
workplace into your home life by scheduling and using your
diary and carving off time. And by the way, those
times hauling kids around in your car, these are the
good old days listening to your kids talking to their
mates and having chats in the car or you know it,
it can be wonderful. Hey, can I just share some
(22:35):
think that I discovered working with parents at the Warehouse.
We were doing a parenting program with the at the warehouse,
and their number one stress was what if our arrangements
fall through, our after school care person gets sick, if
my kids get sick at school, you know, the car
breaks down. And could I just say, grandparents, if you
(22:56):
were listening, this is where your biggest where you could
really reduce the stress in your kids homes by being
planned be just by saying, hey, if something falls through,
we'll back you up. We don't want to be doing
it every week, but if this falls if it falls over,
that's the problem.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
If you don't grant that's that is one of the
stresses of modern parent parenting is if you know, often
people live in different towns and stuff, and grandma and granddad.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Well we're a different rul whether it's grandparents or not.
I'm just sort of thinking if they are available, they
can greatly reduce stress of pearance by just offering to
be planned b not always doing it, but just backing
up those arrangements and things that they have. And just
when parents know that, a lot of a stress can evaporate.
And it may not be your own parents, it might
(23:44):
be a neighbor, or it might just be a friend
or something like that who will cover for you and
you know that that you can call them if you
have to, and that just reduces an incredible amount of stress.
It's the what ifs that can stress you out.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Actually the other thing for me as well, and actually's
probably taking me a few years to learn this because
I think it's because schedules, you know, when they live
ones is not too much to do. It just gets
bigger and bigger. And sometimes sometimes you realize, actually, the
commitment that I've got to help my kids with has
got bigger, and I need to make an adjustment. What
I mean is when that when all you've got to
(24:17):
do is pick them up once and drive them home
and maybe there'll be the odd playdate, that's a piece
of cake. But when it gets bigger and bigger, you
have to realize that the time it's going to take
you to do whatever hasn't increased in the same way.
You need to set aside that time. But the other
one that you touched on was you know how you
said it's the best these are the best years.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Yeah, these are the good old days.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Is to remind yourself actually exe for me, you know
that there's often that the sort of eye roll among parents, going, oh,
it's such a nuisance and it's such of this, and that,
you know, be great when they've left home. And the
maid of mine, who's I met him because he was
my builder originally, he's become quite a good friend. He
said to me, the day that our girls leave home,
(25:00):
it's going to be miserable. It's because they've been fantastic people.
We love their company, and I thought, that's right, that's
what it's about. It's not about grumbling. The moments you
get to pick them up in the car and drive
them from here and there. Those are the good days. Yeah.
Look me not wanting to lecture people, but I think
I just did, didn't I get off my pa.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
The thing is also when your kids do move out,
if they've moved out, well you've succeeded as a part
of your parenting. You've got them ready to go.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Well, that was the other question that I did say.
I did promise we'd throw it out there, so we
should do that. Now, how long do you reckon? This
is for you out there as well? Oh, eight hundred eighty,
ten eighty. How long is it okay for the kids
to stay at home for? Is it? Is it twenty
(25:48):
twenty two? Is it thirty? That's because that's increasingly common,
you know, because of the cost of renting, buying a house,
saving for it and all that.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
This figure is years old. If someone can go online
and check from a more recent figure that I saw
years ago, at the median age for young men to
leave home in Australia, it was twenty seven. Okay, now,
that's so half of the twenty seven year olds are
still at home. And I saw another New Zealand figure
some research done by banks and asking when kids expected
(26:22):
to move out, and some of the figures were ranging
right up into the thirties. So, and here's the thing.
Parents usually quite enjoy having their adult kids living with them.
Not always, but it's often the case because they're nice. Again,
you know, teenagers can have their challenges, but often if
if they settle in and they can become good mates
(26:43):
and good flatmates to have around the place.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
But you've got a yeah, because I've got quite.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
A few ideas about getting kids out of the house,
and one of them is a lot of them don't
move out because they don't know how to move out.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
And I thought you were going to say, what you
do is you schedule date night with your partner and
say mom and I are going to be getting it
on tonight night this week before you know they've moved out.
Could come up a list of techniques.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
Yeah, cool in if your favorite.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
But anyway, sorry, sorry I interrupted.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
You was right from early on start thinking of what
do my kids need to know to be able to
move out and live on their own. They need to
know how to cook something. Then they need to how
to wash their own clothes. They need to know how
to look after themselves. So you're doing that from fairly
early on. So if they do want to shift out,
or you want them to shift out, they can shift down.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Well, I know plenty. I've heard of plenty of times
where the son or well, it's usually the sun. I
don't know many daughters have done this, but the son
who has moved out still brings their washing around to
mum to do the washing, which Mum does as well.
And I well, actually I can understand why, because you
want to be I mean, there's certain jobs that parents
(28:02):
will always want to help their kids with.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
When I admit I did it for a while, we're
I went flatting, But that was just because we didn't
have a washing machine. And for a while I'd put
my wash in my washing a washing machine, never washing machine,
and we'd I'd put my washing in the shower stall
and put soap powder on and get some music going
and I'd go in there and dance on my clothes.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
To wash them. It was what means you didn't That
means you didn't need.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
To make you after you slipped over a few times
into your sudsy of washing, you think taking it home
to months probably a good idea.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
So yeah, how old is? How Old's too old to
be still living at home? Because here's the fun facts.
I remember this and it's in New Zealand. I've just
googled this that the average age for moving out is
estimated and this link that I've found at twenty seven
to twenty eight. There's a significant portion of twenty five
(28:56):
to thirty four year olds. I think twenty three percent
of men between the ages of twenty five and thirty
four will still be living at home living with their parents.
Only fifteen percent of women. But the fun thing is
Italy the average age of moving out of home is
thirty one, which sort of doesn't feel surprising for Italy
for some reason.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
But I don't talk about the mama's boys.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Yeah, mama's boys and all that sort of thing. Anyway,
how old is well? How I mean when did George,
when did you move out at home? Or when did
your children move out? And did you feel that they
were ready or did you think, you know what, you
can stick around another couple of years and save some
more money. That's fine. Oh eight ten eighty, it's twenty
one minutes to six. News Talks said B. News Talk
said B. This is the Parents Squad. I'm Tim Beverage.
(29:39):
My guest is John Cown. By the way, we are
going to be going shortly to our sports rap is
with Jason Pine. And there's big news actually at the
at the sale GP because believe it or not, Team
New Zealand has been involved in a major crash and
they are out again and we'll be catching up with
(30:02):
all the doings in just a few minutes. To stick
around for Jason Pine. But right now this is the
Parents Squad, and my guest is John Cown, who hasn't
crashed of his boat into anyone recently. I was trying
to find some link. Hey, So actually I don't. I'm
I'm not sure at what age I would think it
(30:23):
would be good for my kids to be moving out.
So I've got two daughters, and it's funny, you know what,
if it was two sons, I'd probably think that they could.
I don't know. I would wouldn't be surprised if they
stayed home longer for some reason. But for some reason,
I would think that with my daughters, I would be
concerned at the age of twenty four.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Th are I'm not going to put an age on it,
because I think it can be fine. Kids staying at
home if it's working for everyone.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Well, I moved back home in my thirties because I'd
got back from Australia, so I spent a few months
at time, So it can work.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
It can work fine. The thing that you need to
do is, of course, realize that it is to treat
your children like adults, not like your children. So you're
not doing their washing for them, or or doing everything
making their beds and things, and so you've got to
have the type of boundaries that allow adults to live together.
And you do hear sometimes of young people living at
(31:26):
home and abusing that privilege and also sometimes upsetting their
parents with their lifestyle choices and things of doing drugs
at home and things like that. And so look, it
is your home, your roof, you're and so you are.
You do have the right to say, hey, you're very
welcome here, but you'd have to be doing this. You'd
(31:47):
have to be contributing in this way. You have to
be respecting it.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
If they're still living like they are fourteen year old
and they're twenty four years old, that's a problem. Whereas
if they're twenty four year old and they're you know,
contributing and living more like I mean, which is more
often you know what I mean, they're cooking, they were
living that little life, happened to be saving up or whatever. Yeah,
it's an interesting one, isn't it. Just look at Yeah. Actually,
(32:11):
to be honest, it's one of those things you don't
want to be making too many generalizations because because there
can be all sorts of reasons why families live together.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
And there could be also good reasons why a kid
has to move out and so and so. You know,
I've heard many times where they've said, They've said, hey,
I think you've got to go and live with your father. Well,
I think you can. You know your uncle is willing
to have you, and that can be just a reset
in the relationship, which means that it doesn't get worse,
(32:39):
it can work.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Okay. I also think that that often I think most
parents want their kids to feel like when the chips
are down, you know, okay, because you know I technically
I guess I left home when I went to university
although that felt like I was away at university and
then back home, so I hadn't moved out. I was
just flat, you know what I mean. But you're away
and then you're back, then you're away in your back.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
The boomerang generation.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
But yeah, I always felt that if I wanted to,
I could go home, and yeah, I could go and
stay at home. And I need got a second thought,
to be honest, did I?
Speaker 4 (33:16):
No?
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Probably, I'm not sure. I can't remember. Do you remember
how old you were when you moved out?
Speaker 4 (33:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (33:20):
I was mid twenties, okay, And the main reason I
moved out was because I felt I should.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
No, I didn't think my parents want and you wanted
me or needed me to shift out.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
But I just thought, no, this is.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
Something that you know, the markb Offers are growing up mature.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
You just thought, look, you looked at yourself in the
Mirroon and you thought I need to move out now?
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Yeah you know, yeah, that was that was That was
my motivation for doing it, And I think in many
respects it would have been better off staying at home.
I had a few adventures, but it was Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
I always think that I think that a lot of
motivation motivation for that would come when it comes down
to relationships. It's when you know you've especially if you've
got the girlfriend or the partner who isn't necessarily proved
of youb Like, I think, maybe I need to get
my own place. But that's how these decisions get made.
It's all about increasing independence.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
And it's great too if you can actually talk to
your parents about things like that and if you can
keep them, because otherwise it does trample on toes and
things and people get offended. In her.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Did you have arrange with your kids of you know,
some leaving home early and others sticking around for a
bit longer without specifics.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
Necessarily, I seem to recall them all going flatting and
at various times. And I must admit, you know, I
loved having the kids around at home, but I also
saw them being able to move out and live successfully
on their own as an indication that we'd actually succeeded
as parents. So that's one of the things you can
(34:53):
console yourself with because it's very normal, actually, that awful
empty nest feeling totally one kid.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
I'm slightly treading it, and my daughter says, I really
want to go and go to university overseas, Dad, And
I was like, what just steading on? You Just give
me a few a while to get ust to that idea.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
Okay, you do have to think of Hey, it's not
my it's not their role to be my company.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
No, I know, you know they're not.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
We didn't have these children to be my little friend
that was going to live in the house like a
like a dog they have. Your role is to launch
them and they can certainly have a launched, successful independent
life while still living at home. But it just but
if you see them going off and living successfully in
(35:39):
relationships or careers and living just getting ahead of the
pat yourself on the back and saying I miss them.
I wish they were at home, but hey, it's great
to see them succeeding.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Hey, John, always lovely having a chat with you about
this stuff. What's what's what have you got coming up
on your show on z B Are you look at
me going, oh, complete brain faith and we'll find out that.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
We'll find out to put it tomorrow night at seven thirty.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Excellent, ok H, good to see you. We'll be back shortly.
It's eleven minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
For more from the Weekend collective. Listen live to news
talks it'd be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk SEDBD.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
And welcome back to the Weekend Collective fro Tim Beverage.
The number is one hundred eighty text nine two nine two.
This is the Parents Squad where you know, we talk
about all sorts of things in relation to parenting, which
is I guess what you'd expect on a show called
The Parents Squad, wouldn't you? But anyway, so look many
parents in fact, I'll actually be honest, I think I'm
(01:05):
one of them. The year has started and you get
ready for it and you think, oh god, I think
I'm naked already, so you know, so be parents already
here are just looking at the year ahead, and especially
if you're an experienced parent and you know what's ahead,
who'll be feeling exhaustion from the getting back to school
and the extra curriculars and looking you know, we often
go into the new year. You've got the expectation that
(01:27):
you're going to be ahead of the ball. You have
dinner ready in the end of the day, school lunches,
you well ahead of that, keep on top of the housework.
But then you realize there's a reason you weren'to accomplishing
all that last year, and it's the question is around
becoming burnt out as a parent and how much do
you need to prioritize yourself to avoid being absolutely naked,
(01:48):
not even not at the end of the year, but
at the start of the year. So what have you
found causes this exhaustion at the start of the year,
And how important is it to prioritize yourself as a parent?
I mean it sounds sort of like a selfish question.
But anyway to dig into it, he is, well, he
is the Dowian of the parents Squad. Here's John Cowen.
(02:09):
I don't know it's going to try and come up
with a whole bunch of other metaphors and descriptions John,
But anyway, how are you.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I'm doing very well? Thank you.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
It sounds like a selfish question, doesn't it, to say
you've got to look after yourself. I mean, there's look
I can can I give you all an out? Yes,
give me an out, okay.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
And that is you've got to look after your children's
most important.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Resource, which is you?
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Which is you? So you can be selfish for the
least selfish reasons, meaning if you wanted your kids to
be happy and resilient and confident. They need to see happy, resilient,
confident parents. And that means from the limited amount of
time you have and the limited amount of budget you've got,
you've got a portion some of that for maintenance, which
(02:55):
means coffee if your mates, means having a subscription to
the to the local golf club, it means heading out
over the horizon on your fishing expedition if your mate.
It's not with your kids, just because your kids deserve
well maintained parents.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
It's not that isn't easy out actually, because I sort
of thought, you know, oh you can't parents start look parentings,
because the part of my voice, part of my mind
was thinking, oh, look, you know, just tough enough. Parenting
is has its challenges, and yes it is more busy
looking after kids and giving them to and fro, so
(03:33):
just suck it up. So that's what I'm sort of.
Speaker 3 (03:36):
Thinking, Well, look, we do have the advantage of being
a few years on in our parenting. Can I just say,
first up, the toughest year of your life is probably
your first year of your first child.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
And you know that's interesting, I reckon that's the top
to just point your microphone up there so we don't
have to tweak out. There we go. That's that, Oh,
there we go.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
Yeah, the first year of your first life, first year
of your first life, not to incarnation that much, my
first year of your first child. I reckon, that is
just all your sleep goes, your body gets knocked about.
It's just endless sickness, expenses, reduced income. It's so stressful.
(04:21):
And so if you've got through that, you know, see,
I reckon, it gets easier and easier.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
So think of it like that. We actually I'd love
to know what people think about that. What's the most
stressful year of parenthood? I do? Look, I think for me,
I found that now that the girls are sort of
like tweens or teens, you know, twelve thirteen, fourteen on
that stage. It is a lovely stage, but they are
so busy, and that I mean, I think kids are
(04:48):
busier than for me. When I was a kid, what
I used to have used to learn the piano, and
I was crazy about volleyball, so did one artistic sort
of thing and I did volleyball. Whereas my daughters are
into you know, a collection of things, whether it be
multip you to ballet classes because one of them loves ballet.
The other ones into it as well, hockey, netball, volleyball, band,
(05:13):
learning instrument. Look, it's busy, okay.
Speaker 3 (05:17):
As a general rule, busy kids do well. Yeah, busy
kids as a general rule, reassurance from it. But they
can get too busy. And so it's part of your job,
I guess as a parent, because they won't be able to,
is to monitor when they are getting too stressed.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
And so we already have made that call with some
of the extracurricular We just said, honey, this is what
you're going to have on this year. You're going to
have X, Y and Z.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
You're really going to I mean, you say to your kids,
you know, do as much as you want and as
much as you can. But if you start to fall
behind in your schoolwork, if you start to your sleep
starts getting messed around, if we see you're not keeping well,
what's going to be the first to go? So you
do put it back on them to a certain extent,
what's going to be the first thing you're going to
have to give up? And they probably say school, but no,
(06:07):
you know, I mean, so you're starting to wise them
up that hey, I've got to manage my own stress,
my own mental health by making sure of that. I'm
realizing that I'm flesh and blood and can only do
so much.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
Did you okay, I'm looking after yourself as a parent.
Did you ever have to have a moment where you thought,
you know, I'm not coping very well with this. I
need to take some time for me. It's difficult to
think that consciously bubble to the surface. Probably not until
later on in my parenting. There are certainly times when
when you get that fizzy brain feeling of just there's
(06:41):
just a bit too much. And that's the thing I
mean when you're usually in your first years of parenthood.
It's often also when you're in the throes of trying
to build your career or your business. It's when you're
suddenly doing things like taking out mortgages and all your
money gets sucked into a sump that didn't know about.
(07:01):
And so there's lots of other stresses, and sometimes maybe
early in your relationship too, and you're still learning how
to get on with this person that you're now in
a partnership with. So yeah, stress could be coming from
lots of different sources, and so you do need those
things that help you cope with stress, which might be
(07:22):
doing something physical if your body, you know, doing out
and doing it, going for a run, a walk or
or something. And also just doing all those other things
which have proven to be good for stress, sleep, good diet,
some musics, friendships, relationships, all those things that are so
hard when you've got little kids hanging off you as well.
(07:43):
So that's why you do need to consciously plan you.
Funny is those same skills that make you good at
work to actually make you good at being. Actually my
way of coping with things when I have noticed that
the start of this year has been pretty full on,
but I just realized that the rule I follow is basically,
as soon as the kids are in bed, I decide, actually,
(08:04):
maybe i'll be soon. Maybe I'll follow suit shortly after.
As usually the answer to that, of course, I mean
the lack of sleep things the classic one. If you're
doing a whole lot of things with your kids and
then you start deciding, I've got to do some work
now at eight thirty nine, ten o'clock at night, then
that's when you're going to stretch yourself out.
Speaker 3 (08:19):
There is stress that comes on parents that you could
just drop you could get rid of from your life
with just a change of your mental attitude. We can
run of the best mottos you can have, especially if
you've got young children, to settle for less and settle
for mess. You know, if you just just say, hey,
I can actually down down scale some of my aspirations
(08:43):
about when I'm going to replace the car or where
we're going to go on holiday and things and settle
something less stressful. I'm going to set I'm going to
you know, And if you think you're going to maintain
the same standards of hygiene and home tidiness with little
kids and toddlers, you know, you're just want to stress
yourself out, and so yes, tidy the house up when
your kids go flatting?
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Do you think kids? I shouldn't say kids all the time.
It irritates some of my listener's children. But are young
people today are they just suspect that people are too
that young people today are taking too much on or
I mean, how would you know when you're see I
was just thinking about I'm interrupting my questions. But see,
(09:27):
there'sn't there's school work, and then there's the stuff that
your children do extracurricular right, and I think the difficult
thing in terms of working out how much they should
do is because some of the stuff they do extracurricularly
is the stuff that makes them really feel good about themselves.
And that's a tough one because if you know you've
got a child who wants to do some particular activity
(09:49):
and they want to do a lot of it, how
do you actually work out you know that they can
do enough to give them that sense of balance and
everything without you've got to recreate, you know, how do
you limit it? If you think this is not you know.
Speaker 3 (10:01):
There's too much of a good thing, You've got to
rephrase it in terms of what else are they doing?
This often comes up and how much time should my
kids be playing video games? And the answer to that is, well,
what else are they doing? Are they doing their chores?
Are they mixing of their mates, are they playing a sport,
are they doing their homework, are they spending time with
their brother and sister? Are they reading a book? And
(10:23):
if they're doing all those other things, they probably need
an hour or two on the xbox to just, you know,
just to get the balance back in. So think of
it in terms of what else are they doing? Are
they getting enough sleep, are they joining in of family stuff?
Are they you know and so are they getting a
bit of downtime?
Speaker 2 (10:43):
What I mean, it's easy to get dramatic about this stuff.
And look, if you've just joined us, we're talking about,
you know, looking after yourself and avoiding as a parent,
getting burnt out too soon at the start of the year.
I mean, what would be a sign that you are
I don't want to overdramatize this either, because the fact
is life is busy, But what would be the signs?
(11:04):
Do you think that you need to actually just take
a breath yourself and think, hang on a minute, everything's
just got too frenetic too soon.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
Well, I think everybody has different symptoms to stress, but
sometimes it's look, stress can impact your health, to compact
your relationships. If you find things are getting you're getting grumpy,
if your partner and things aren't sparking in the bedroom
and your end up having arguments over things you never
used to argue about. The first thing to look at
(11:32):
is what's our what's our major stress in our life
at the moment. So it can be relationships, it can
be your health when you digestion and your skin and
everything else. These things can be sort of litmus papers
for how much stress there is in your life. It's
it's when you start to notice that you're tipping back
a bit too much booze at night, if you're falling
into just habits of drawing from things that used to
(11:55):
give your pleasure and creativity. When you realize you're not
doing anything for yourself, these might be symptoms of stress.
And it's of course there's depression, his anxiety, and there's
bad sleeping and all these other things. So yeah, your
body will tell.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
You, yeah, you love your cause on this. And how
have you prioritized yourselves when it comes to being parents
so you can do the job of being a parent
and avoid being suffering from a little bit of burnout
yourself would love to have your calls as well. How
do you avoid it? But also, you know, how do
you juggle? Have you had to curtail the activities your
(12:31):
kids your children are undertaking, because that often can be
the source of a bit of tension because frankly, I mean,
how many mums and dads do you talk to if
you're at a sporting event? And the joke is, it's
like I've become the taxi again, where you're simply just
driving to and fro and to and fro. How much
extracurricular stuff is too much for children, do you think?
And if you actually had to cut back on it
(12:52):
with your family, how did you approach that if that's
what gives your kids, your children the joy? I love
your calls on this. On our eight hundred and eighty
ten and eighty, my guest is John Cowen. We'll be
back in just a moment. It is twenty past past five. God,
that's a burnoutsign twenty plus five Backsone news Talk said,
be we're talking about parent burnout. And you know our
parents sometimes overdoing it themselves, over committing themselves and not
(13:16):
asking for help. And I guess PEPs it does time
to the commitments your children undertake as well. Eight hundred
and eighty ten eighty ross.
Speaker 4 (13:23):
Hello, Hi there, how's it going good?
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Thanks? He do?
Speaker 4 (13:27):
Yeah, I look it. Being a parent of three adults
and now with grandchildren, but also being an education system,
there's no doubt that activities, whether they cultural or sporting,
are good for kids, particularly the team concept where they
might be in an orchestra or drama production or the
hockey team or the like. And so there is the
(13:50):
team stuff. The other thing that those activities teach about
disappointment a controlled environment. It might be a loss, or
it might be a non selection, or it might be
they didn't get the role, and it allows kids to
be taught about. But yes, there is there is parental
burnout and the parents got to ask themselves are they
(14:11):
doing it for the kids or are they doing it
because they want to be there or seem to be there?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
And so that first thing, make sure what your kids
are doing is because they want to be doing it,
not because you want them to follow in your footsteps
and be, you know, living vicariously here.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
Yeah, well that's the boogie thing to be involved in.
So we better get by the kit and get involved.
And I have seen that. So but in the traditional
sense what you and I are probably talking about there
is great value. Kids have only got a certain amount
of energy and time and it's keeping it's up to
parents to keep that balance and talk to the kids
(14:48):
about the balance and what's on and what's off?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Have you had did you have to do that with
with yours in particular? Ross When you think about it,
it's like, listen, we're doing this, we not need to
think about this, Okay, So here's here's the here's the question.
And I don't like to talk specifically about my kids
too much on this because it's their business, but one
of my daughters is involved in quite a few things,
including a couple of team sports where she's in the
(15:11):
A teams for both, and there will be a time,
I think there'll be a time when I'll have to
say you're going to have to make a choice because
I mean or am I getting ahead of myself?
Speaker 4 (15:23):
No, no thinking right. We were certainly faced with that
where the kids. It was the first team sports, both
daughters selected in the same team and to formally qualify
and be selected for the year, they had to go
on their second trip to Australia. And we said to
(15:44):
the girls, look, you've got enough to be in the
team where you go to Australia or not. Just just
tell the school and they're quite happy about that.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
That's a hard one, So no overseas trip for you.
Speaker 4 (15:55):
Well no, yeah, but they brought into it and they said, yeah,
we get that that had the trips before, but.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
They think said SI can trip, wasn't it the second?
Speaker 4 (16:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
Yeah, did you say you're involved in education yourself.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Yes, I was, Yes for a long time.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
I mean did you at what point did you? I mean,
you must have seen times when kids when you know,
children were over committed. You know what was sort of
the signs of it was it? Did you notice it?
With school worker? You just noticed that they're just I mean,
what were your observations as an educator?
Speaker 4 (16:30):
I think, I mean, as a school eadio, you've always
got to be on the lookout for is the school
wearing this kit out? And is their learning suffering? And
you've got to be ahead of that game and observe
it in that space. The important thing too for kids
and some of the kids that we certainly had, that
(16:51):
activity could be the point of contact in in an
adult world that they they are really enjoying and it's
getting them to school. Yeah, and so that's a different
gig from the burnout scenario you're talking about, but that
that sort of breeds the resilience and there's quite there's
(17:12):
there's significant papers on that stuff.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
If there's something something they can excel in that does
a wonderful, wonderful job of enhancing yourself esteem, or just
have or just have involvement.
Speaker 4 (17:24):
I don't think we can. You know, involvement and celebrating
winds and losses and stories, stories in the quad on
Monday morning are really important. It doesn't matter what level
or grade, there's that kind of sense of belonging. So
observations of burnouts back to your question, yeah, kind of
hard to see in kids. But when they start going off,
(17:46):
not getting assignments and for example, or not turning up
to practice, and so if you sort of go down
those rabbit holes of discovery in that space, you can
find out kids are over committed and they can be
significantly yeah, you know, for kids in an orchestra and
also likes to plan a and then there's a good
(18:07):
sports person. And oh, by the way, you know you'll
probably be in line for the lead in the school
show this year.
Speaker 3 (18:15):
But you'd probably agree that a busy kid usually does well.
It's the as long as they don't get too busy.
Busy kids do really well.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
I think to me, the question I would look at
would be if I saw my child, I mean, and
this is where it's so important to take your own
ego out of it, because if you've got a child
who's succeeding at extra curricular sports and stuff, and you
get a lot of joy out of it. But if
you see that they are really struggling with something, I mean,
you've got to recognize when their motivation is going, and
then that's time to you know, and not push them
(18:44):
on it. You know, because you do hear a parent saying, well,
you've made this commitment, you're going to keep going with it.
It's like, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (18:51):
No, i'd er to how are you feeling about what
is going? If you've started, you've got you maybe have
ideally you would finish it out. But if this is
telling on you, you make a choice and then go
and have a discussion early in the piece and one
on one discussion with the person, the coach, the director
or the conductor and say, look, I can't I can't
(19:12):
commit to this and meet the commitment I had. I
had it once with a boy and it was around
school leadership and he came back and said, geez, that
I found out what's involved. I can't do that.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Wow. And that was that was a boy who was
turning down a leadership.
Speaker 4 (19:27):
Role, turning down the prefinct role.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Yeah, well, actually that's a really interesting call, Ross, because
I think that shows a fair bit of the amazing
thing rights is that kid, in making that decision, has
probably demonstrated the sort of judgment as to why you
want them to be a leader, because they they've obviously
looked at things. It's a you know what's what, it's
a two edged sword.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
The thing with teenagers is that sometimes what they say,
you know, they might say that they're too busy or something,
but it's because of a relationship problem they have with
the coach or another person on the team, or they're
feeling bullied or something, you know, So it could be
you'd have to just dig a little sometimes just to
find out what the real issue is.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:10):
Yeah, and some kids will keep it to themselves. They'll
want to keep it to themselves sometimes as well. Kids
all the best.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
I appreciate your call, great caller. Bye bye. She texts here, saying,
I think our issue is seasonal. The best weather is
typically across the Christmas holiday as well. Anyway, the best
weather is typically across Christmas school holidays, so family try
and cram in a lot of out side activities before
school starts back. Compounded this year by summer being so
(20:42):
crappy maybe. I mean, if you're having the rights of
a holiday, I mean you should be relaxed. But I
mean a lot of people go on holiday and what
they need to get back to work to have it
to be able to relax almost And.
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Maybe we wind out too much, maybe in the Northern
hemisphere with Christmas is you know, not compounded with your
major vacation times and things like that. Maybe we just
we do pile too much in the beginning of the year.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
And you know the other thing on I think the
other thing that contributes to parents having a sense of
burnout is is not understanding what their commitment is that
they're going to undertake. So I have to drive my
kids around and pick them up from school every nighty
and drive them to a practice or ballet all the time.
(21:30):
But you know what, John, I find that I feel
exhausted or a bit buggered if I haven't really taken
it into account that guess what, at four o'clock, my
time is their time. And I'm lucky I have a
job where that's my choice and I can do it.
But it's literally going whatever I have to do, but
(21:52):
that day, my day for doing it is between these
hours and once the time rolls around that I've got
to look after the girls, then I just go. If
you earmark that time, there's a massive amount of stress
that comes off because you're not trying to answer emails
and take phone calls and do whatever you should have
done in the preceding hours. I think that's that's a
(22:13):
huge And look, it's.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
Easily just bringing the skills that you learn in the
workplace into your home life by scheduling and using your
diary and carving off time. And by the way, those
times hauling kids around in your car, these are the
good old days listening to your kids talking to their
mates and having chats in the car or you know it,
it can be wonderful. Hey, can I just share some
(22:35):
think that I discovered working with parents at the Warehouse.
We were doing a parenting program with the at the warehouse,
and their number one stress was what if our arrangements
fall through, our after school care person gets sick, if
my kids get sick at school, you know, the car
breaks down. And could I just say, grandparents, if you
(22:56):
were listening, this is where your biggest where you could
really reduce the stress in your kids homes by being
planned be just by saying, hey, if something falls through,
we'll back you up. We don't want to be doing
it every week, but if this falls if it falls over,
that's the problem.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
If you don't grant that's that is one of the
stresses of modern parent parenting is if you know, often
people live in different towns and stuff, and grandma and granddad.
Speaker 3 (23:21):
Well we're a different rul whether it's grandparents or not.
I'm just sort of thinking if they are available, they
can greatly reduce stress of pearance by just offering to
be planned b not always doing it, but just backing
up those arrangements and things that they have. And just
when parents know that, a lot of a stress can evaporate.
And it may not be your own parents, it might
(23:44):
be a neighbor, or it might just be a friend
or something like that who will cover for you and
you know that that you can call them if you
have to, and that just reduces an incredible amount of stress.
It's the what ifs that can stress you out.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Actually the other thing for me as well, and actually's
probably taking me a few years to learn this because
I think it's because schedules, you know, when they live
ones is not too much to do. It just gets
bigger and bigger. And sometimes sometimes you realize, actually, the
commitment that I've got to help my kids with has
got bigger, and I need to make an adjustment. What
I mean is when that when all you've got to
(24:17):
do is pick them up once and drive them home
and maybe there'll be the odd playdate, that's a piece
of cake. But when it gets bigger and bigger, you
have to realize that the time it's going to take
you to do whatever hasn't increased in the same way.
You need to set aside that time. But the other
one that you touched on was you know how you
said it's the best these are the best years.
Speaker 3 (24:37):
Yeah, these are the good old days.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
Is to remind yourself actually exe for me, you know
that there's often that the sort of eye roll among parents, going, oh,
it's such a nuisance and it's such of this, and that,
you know, be great when they've left home. And the
maid of mine, who's I met him because he was
my builder originally, he's become quite a good friend. He
said to me, the day that our girls leave home,
(25:00):
it's going to be miserable. It's because they've been fantastic people.
We love their company, and I thought, that's right, that's
what it's about. It's not about grumbling. The moments you
get to pick them up in the car and drive
them from here and there. Those are the good days. Yeah.
Look me not wanting to lecture people, but I think
I just did, didn't I get off my pa.
Speaker 3 (25:20):
The thing is also when your kids do move out,
if they've moved out, well you've succeeded as a part
of your parenting. You've got them ready to go.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Well, that was the other question that I did say.
I did promise we'd throw it out there, so we
should do that. Now, how long do you reckon? This
is for you out there as well? Oh, eight hundred eighty,
ten eighty. How long is it okay for the kids
to stay at home for? Is it? Is it twenty
(25:48):
twenty two? Is it thirty? That's because that's increasingly common,
you know, because of the cost of renting, buying a house,
saving for it and all that.
Speaker 3 (25:59):
This figure is years old. If someone can go online
and check from a more recent figure that I saw
years ago, at the median age for young men to
leave home in Australia, it was twenty seven. Okay, now,
that's so half of the twenty seven year olds are
still at home. And I saw another New Zealand figure
some research done by banks and asking when kids expected
(26:22):
to move out, and some of the figures were ranging
right up into the thirties. So, and here's the thing.
Parents usually quite enjoy having their adult kids living with them.
Not always, but it's often the case because they're nice. Again,
you know, teenagers can have their challenges, but often if
if they settle in and they can become good mates
(26:43):
and good flatmates to have around the place.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
But you've got a yeah, because I've got quite.
Speaker 3 (26:49):
A few ideas about getting kids out of the house,
and one of them is a lot of them don't
move out because they don't know how to move out.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
And I thought you were going to say, what you
do is you schedule date night with your partner and
say mom and I are going to be getting it
on tonight night this week before you know they've moved out.
Could come up a list of techniques.
Speaker 3 (27:13):
Yeah, cool in if your favorite.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
But anyway, sorry, sorry I interrupted.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
You was right from early on start thinking of what
do my kids need to know to be able to
move out and live on their own. They need to
know how to cook something. Then they need to how
to wash their own clothes. They need to know how
to look after themselves. So you're doing that from fairly
early on. So if they do want to shift out,
or you want them to shift out, they can shift down.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Well, I know plenty. I've heard of plenty of times
where the son or well, it's usually the sun. I
don't know many daughters have done this, but the son
who has moved out still brings their washing around to
mum to do the washing, which Mum does as well.
And I well, actually I can understand why, because you
want to be I mean, there's certain jobs that parents
(28:02):
will always want to help their kids with.
Speaker 3 (28:04):
When I admit I did it for a while, we're
I went flatting, But that was just because we didn't
have a washing machine. And for a while I'd put
my wash in my washing a washing machine, never washing machine,
and we'd I'd put my washing in the shower stall
and put soap powder on and get some music going
and I'd go in there and dance on my clothes.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
To wash them. It was what means you didn't That
means you didn't need.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
To make you after you slipped over a few times
into your sudsy of washing, you think taking it home
to months probably a good idea.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
So yeah, how old is? How Old's too old to
be still living at home? Because here's the fun facts.
I remember this and it's in New Zealand. I've just
googled this that the average age for moving out is
estimated and this link that I've found at twenty seven
to twenty eight. There's a significant portion of twenty five
(28:56):
to thirty four year olds. I think twenty three percent
of men between the ages of twenty five and thirty
four will still be living at home living with their parents.
Only fifteen percent of women. But the fun thing is
Italy the average age of moving out of home is
thirty one, which sort of doesn't feel surprising for Italy
for some reason.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
But I don't talk about the mama's boys.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Yeah, mama's boys and all that sort of thing. Anyway,
how old is well? How I mean when did George,
when did you move out at home? Or when did
your children move out? And did you feel that they
were ready or did you think, you know what, you
can stick around another couple of years and save some
more money. That's fine. Oh eight ten eighty, it's twenty
one minutes to six. News Talks said B. News Talk
said B. This is the Parents Squad. I'm Tim Beverage.
(29:39):
My guest is John Cown. By the way, we are
going to be going shortly to our sports rap is
with Jason Pine. And there's big news actually at the
at the sale GP because believe it or not, Team
New Zealand has been involved in a major crash and
they are out again and we'll be catching up with
(30:02):
all the doings in just a few minutes. To stick
around for Jason Pine. But right now this is the
Parents Squad, and my guest is John Cown, who hasn't
crashed of his boat into anyone recently. I was trying
to find some link. Hey, So actually I don't. I'm
I'm not sure at what age I would think it
(30:23):
would be good for my kids to be moving out.
So I've got two daughters, and it's funny, you know what,
if it was two sons, I'd probably think that they could.
I don't know. I would wouldn't be surprised if they
stayed home longer for some reason. But for some reason,
I would think that with my daughters, I would be
concerned at the age of twenty four.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Th are I'm not going to put an age on it,
because I think it can be fine. Kids staying at
home if it's working for everyone.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Well, I moved back home in my thirties because I'd
got back from Australia, so I spent a few months
at time, So it can work.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
It can work fine. The thing that you need to
do is, of course, realize that it is to treat
your children like adults, not like your children. So you're
not doing their washing for them, or or doing everything
making their beds and things, and so you've got to
have the type of boundaries that allow adults to live together.
And you do hear sometimes of young people living at
(31:26):
home and abusing that privilege and also sometimes upsetting their
parents with their lifestyle choices and things of doing drugs
at home and things like that. And so look, it
is your home, your roof, you're and so you are.
You do have the right to say, hey, you're very
welcome here, but you'd have to be doing this. You'd
(31:47):
have to be contributing in this way. You have to
be respecting it.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
If they're still living like they are fourteen year old
and they're twenty four years old, that's a problem. Whereas
if they're twenty four year old and they're you know,
contributing and living more like I mean, which is more
often you know what I mean, they're cooking, they were
living that little life, happened to be saving up or whatever. Yeah,
it's an interesting one, isn't it. Just look at Yeah. Actually,
(32:11):
to be honest, it's one of those things you don't
want to be making too many generalizations because because there
can be all sorts of reasons why families live together.
Speaker 3 (32:18):
And there could be also good reasons why a kid
has to move out and so and so. You know,
I've heard many times where they've said, They've said, hey,
I think you've got to go and live with your father. Well,
I think you can. You know your uncle is willing
to have you, and that can be just a reset
in the relationship, which means that it doesn't get worse,
(32:39):
it can work.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Okay. I also think that that often I think most
parents want their kids to feel like when the chips
are down, you know, okay, because you know I technically
I guess I left home when I went to university
although that felt like I was away at university and
then back home, so I hadn't moved out. I was
just flat, you know what I mean. But you're away
and then you're back, then you're away in your back.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
The boomerang generation.
Speaker 2 (33:03):
But yeah, I always felt that if I wanted to,
I could go home, and yeah, I could go and
stay at home. And I need got a second thought,
to be honest, did I?
Speaker 4 (33:16):
No?
Speaker 2 (33:16):
Probably, I'm not sure. I can't remember. Do you remember
how old you were when you moved out?
Speaker 4 (33:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (33:20):
I was mid twenties, okay, And the main reason I
moved out was because I felt I should.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
No, I didn't think my parents want and you wanted
me or needed me to shift out.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
But I just thought, no, this is.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
Something that you know, the markb Offers are growing up mature.
Speaker 2 (33:35):
You just thought, look, you looked at yourself in the
Mirroon and you thought I need to move out now?
Speaker 3 (33:40):
Yeah you know, yeah, that was that was That was
my motivation for doing it, And I think in many
respects it would have been better off staying at home.
I had a few adventures, but it was Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
I always think that I think that a lot of
motivation motivation for that would come when it comes down
to relationships. It's when you know you've especially if you've
got the girlfriend or the partner who isn't necessarily proved
of youb Like, I think, maybe I need to get
my own place. But that's how these decisions get made.
It's all about increasing independence.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
And it's great too if you can actually talk to
your parents about things like that and if you can
keep them, because otherwise it does trample on toes and
things and people get offended. In her.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
Did you have arrange with your kids of you know,
some leaving home early and others sticking around for a
bit longer without specifics.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
Necessarily, I seem to recall them all going flatting and
at various times. And I must admit, you know, I
loved having the kids around at home, but I also
saw them being able to move out and live successfully
on their own as an indication that we'd actually succeeded
as parents. So that's one of the things you can
(34:53):
console yourself with because it's very normal, actually, that awful
empty nest feeling totally one kid.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
I'm slightly treading it, and my daughter says, I really
want to go and go to university overseas, Dad, And
I was like, what just steading on? You Just give
me a few a while to get ust to that idea.
Speaker 3 (35:10):
Okay, you do have to think of Hey, it's not
my it's not their role to be my company.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
No, I know, you know they're not.
Speaker 3 (35:19):
We didn't have these children to be my little friend
that was going to live in the house like a
like a dog they have. Your role is to launch
them and they can certainly have a launched, successful independent
life while still living at home. But it just but
if you see them going off and living successfully in
(35:39):
relationships or careers and living just getting ahead of the
pat yourself on the back and saying I miss them.
I wish they were at home, but hey, it's great
to see them succeeding.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
Hey, John, always lovely having a chat with you about
this stuff. What's what's what have you got coming up
on your show on z B Are you look at
me going, oh, complete brain faith and we'll find out that.
Speaker 3 (36:02):
We'll find out to put it tomorrow night at seven thirty.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Excellent, ok H, good to see you. We'll be back shortly.
It's eleven minutes to six.
Speaker 1 (36:13):
For more from the Weekend collective. Listen live to news
talks it'd be weekends from three pm, or follow the
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