May 30, 2026 • 36 mins
Parents are acting up on the sidelines of their children's games in the mighty Waikato leading to youth rugby league games cancelled last Sunday after reports of physical and verbal abuse in Hopuhopu.
Sport Waikato CEO Matthew Cooper said the problem is felt worldwide, with parents wanting to achieve through their children.
What behaviour is okay at your children's sports games? When does support cross into abuse?
MindWorks psychologist Sara Chatwin joined Tim Beveridge to discuss.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks edby.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And welcome back to the Weekend Collective. This is the
Parents Squad and we'd love you to join the conversation
on eight hundred eighty ten eighty in text as well
nine two nine two. It's funny I always think of
we pick the number so often on News Talks EDB
but all the time they are new people listening go
who probably are like, oh, what is that phone number again?
Whereas for me it's like, well, if you haven't heard
it now, you'll never hear it. But it's our way
(01:10):
one hundred and eighty ten eighty text nine two nine ten.
When we say text nine two nine two, literally that's
what you type into your phone if you want to
text us, just nine two nine two and hits sen
because it does feel weird, doesn't it. Because everyone else
when you're texting your mates it's two seven blah blah blah,
A two one blah blah blah, et cetera. But nop,
for us, it's just nine two nine to two. Most
of you know this, of course, because you've received a
(01:31):
think for your text two News Talks EPP. Anyway, this
is the Parents Squad and first things first, we want
to have a chat about sideline parenting and what actually
do you understand the rules to be if you're a parent,
Because parents, there are news stories recently where parents are
acting up again on the sidelines of their children's games,
(01:54):
more recently in the Mighty y Cuto leading to youth
This is how bad it gets leading to youth rugby
league games been canceled last Sunday after reports are physical
and vers verbal abuse. So sport Whykato CEO Matthew Cooper
said the problem is felt worldwide with parents wanting to
achieve through their children.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
It does feel like a bit of a.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Diversion, doesn't it. You've got a problem in Whykato. You've
got the headlines in New Zealand and your response is, oh,
this is a worldwide problem. Well, you know what, it's
a Why Kuto problem specifically, which is leading us to
talk about it. So I think just saying it's a
worldwide problem, maybe it is. In fact, undoubtedly it's a
worldwide problem. It's just a funny way to express it,
(02:39):
isn't it. But what behavior I want to explore and
get your take on, has the behavior. Has behavior changed, well,
I think we can say yes, but then there have
been bad parents and bad you know, supporters over the
course of time, but it hasn't got worse. But more specifically,
have the rules actually changed from what is actually acceptable?
(03:01):
Because I almost was discerning in some sports that it's
almost frowned upon to cheer by your children, to cheer
too loudly for them because your kids are dad. Don't
you draw attention to me? Don't draw it, don't you know?
So what rules do you follow? Because they're rules and norms,
they're not laws. Of course, punching someone is against the law.
(03:22):
I mean, if the law is involved, we're in deep trouble,
aren't we. But what behavior is okay and expected at
your children's sports game? And you know, have we want
to hear your stories. Have you seen that support cross
into abuse? So yeah, we're also going to dig into
a little bit about the educating your children and how
much parents need to take on board themselves their responsibility
(03:47):
for their children's education, because it does seem that a
lot of the conversations when it comes to budgets and
what's being spent. I do have a grumpy middle aged
man's take that, you know what you had kids, Get
off your get off your metaphorical asses when it comes
to education, and start teaching your kids well before they
(04:08):
get to school. And if you haven't done that, then
I don't know. I don't think you're doing your job
as a parent. So you can tell me if I'm
right or wrong on that. But I just think that
that's another angle we're going to dig into. But meanwhile,
on the sideline parenting, and she's sitting here so patiently,
I wonder when he's going to introduce me. But it
is the lovely Sarah Chatwin, and she's a psychologist's mind works.
(04:31):
And as soon as the introducer I think, oh god,
if I pronounced it wrong again.
Speaker 4 (04:36):
You did it beautifully, Sarah, beautiful. I was wondering if
you were going to remember that I was in the
studio though, How could I forget woods. I'm liking what
you're saying. I'm picking up what you putting down.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
I mean, by the way, I have thrown two topics
out there. We generally try and start with one and
lead to the other. But if something I've said has
trickled you as a listener, and you want to have
your say, You're welcome to climbing and on any of them.
But the sports side, the sideline parenting thing, I guess
maybe I should pl into.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Your sort of ballpark.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Why do parents turn into such decks when they're supporting
the What is it that's going on psychologically humans?
Speaker 4 (05:13):
Yeah, it's really bad behavior for some parents.
Speaker 5 (05:16):
I get it.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
And we have had a number of occasions that have,
you know, hit the headlines with regard to parents fighting
on the sideline. I'm amazed too, or I don't really
understand how those parents are thinking that they will have
children who behave appropriately if they can't behave appropriately in situations.
And I think in answer to your question, I do
(05:38):
think there's a bit of vicariously living through your child
kind of scenario going on here.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Hello.
Speaker 4 (05:43):
Ye, and we love sport in our country. And was
it the mayor of white Kato? Who was it in Whyketto.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
That that was the sport?
Speaker 5 (05:53):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Yeah, it may be a worldwide problem. Doesn't make it
any better that it's happening with us, So we do
have to pay some attention.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
And I think it's just an exand response. It's like
not just us, you know, well, you welcome to the headlines.
You need to own it.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
I think we I think a lot of people would
respond like that. But I think also you can say
some words, but there needs to be some actions. And
of course there aren't laws specifically for parents acting out
on the sidelines, but there are laws in and around
assault and grievous bodily harm and all of the rest
of it. Because some of that is occurring on the sidelines.
I think people become very passionate about sport. They're very
(06:31):
passionate about their children and what their children are doing.
They want to be supportive, but there's a tipping point,
and a lot of people go over that tipping point.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Actually, it's interesting. I find it. I find it harder
to watch. There's some sports that are easier to watch
as a parent. And I can't work out why, for instance,
so much in terms of psychologically for me relaxing and
not getting too intense about it, because I have intense emotions.
(06:59):
But what I do is I'm sorry for Roger of Masterton,
who doesn't like talking about my own take on things.
But no, but what I know that I'm there's a
part of me that goes, oh, you just want to
go But what I do is I literally take a
breath and I turn and watch another game for a third.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Take yourself out of that moment.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
I never allow.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Myself to go there because I know myself because don't
be don't be a dick. But I find it easier
to watch my daughter's hockey match. Then I might still go, oh,
what's going and you are passionate, You're going come on,
you know, and a chair.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
But I really struggle with knitball.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
Because it's strange.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I was going to because of the team.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
I was going to say there was a team dynamic
and you work more comfortable with the team, but it's
obviously the sport.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
I don't know things happen. I think that's because there's
a lot more and I can't work it out, but.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
I will figure you out to I don't.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Know if there's a cycle, but I think it's because
there's there's there are so many more shots and opportunities
to do things.
Speaker 5 (08:01):
In nitball.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
It goes back and forth so quickly. It's a lot
more shorter term tense watch. But then as I say that,
I think I don't know what I'm talking about, because
because field hockey is really fast fast.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Yeah, it is incredibly fast. But I mean it's the
in the eye of the beholder, really, isn't it. Some
sports resonate for people in complete way.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
I don't understand hockey as much either. There you go,
and it's probably the rules. It's like what happened there?
Speaker 4 (08:25):
What was that for? So there's a there's a maybe
there's a little bit of what ignorant bliss or you know,
there's a confident in that. But I think for some
people they would find a soccer game easier to watch
than a singles tennis match or something like that because
you are just fixated on your person who was one
of two on that. Yeah, and that might be very intense,
(08:48):
but we'll figure it out.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
I mean, did you have to did you support not
have to? Did you support your children with sport?
Speaker 3 (08:55):
One?
Speaker 4 (08:55):
Absolutely? I had three. I have three sons and a daughter.
And my sons we're all very very interested in sport
and participated in triathlon, running, tennis, soccer, everything, and you know,
cycling to have pretty high level actually regional and national
champs for their school. And yeah, I mean I.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Can't watch too much of that unless it's in the stadium. Now,
that's the road racing it's like I'll see you in
that now.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
You plant yourself on the sideline, though, and you see
everybody you know go through. Yeah, but there were tennis,
there was cricket and rugby and bits and bobs, and
I guess most of the time, I would like to
think ninety five percent of the time I was good.
A couple of the times I probably yelled when I
shouldn't have. You did mention that sometimes children put boundaries
and limits in place with regard to what they want
(09:44):
their parents to do. So I was kind of listening
to my kids too if they said, hey, Mum, don't yell.
I'm not comfortable with that. So there are not laws
and rules of regulations so much so around this, but
your children will let you know if well, I feel
if you're being unruly.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I think also being respectful towards the opposition and their supporters.
But so, for instance, and this is I don't think
it necessarily comes from It might come from a game
that my daughter played where we ended up winning quite well. Yes,
and so the first two or three goals or three
or four goals for this is for hockey that we
(10:20):
all cheered enthusiasts, our great shot and then we realized
that we were going to win handsomely. Yes, And so
I think every parent actually backed off in terms of
how enthusiastically we cheered, because we didn't want to be
those We don't want to be tone deaf to the
fact that for the other parents it was a struggle,
and we actually made more of an effort to cheer
(10:41):
good plays by.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
The other team.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
And actually, I actually do think we were pretty bloody
awesome at that, I think, but it took a conscious,
conscious recognition of the fact that, you know, we all
want to support everyone who's on the pitch.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
Yes, I mean, I think there's something to be said
for giving praise when it's Joe and it's nice to
be excited about stuff and sport is brilliant. I mean,
we want our kids to be playing sport and not
doing other stuff that you know, social media and all
the rest of it. Twenty four seven. I must agree
with you. I think it's really lovely when you are
not pitted against your opponent's support crew, when you can
(11:16):
actually you know, I have a bit of a giggle
every now and again and congratulate them at the end,
and you know, take victory and defeat in the same
kind of way with good spirit and good humor.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
And actually, because the.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Book can be on the other foot all the time,
and I think that I would invent a rule right
now is say that if you really want to enjoy
sport with your kids, make sure you appreciate and applaud
the good play of the other of the other kids
who are on the other side, because somehow just foster's
a vibe where everyone is a lot more friendly. And
(11:48):
I know when there's been moments when my daughter's team
hasn't done so well over the years, and you since
I've seen parents from the other side make a point
of celebrating when our team did something well, and I
thought that was it was just a way of saying,
I don't know, it's just it's cool.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
It is cool. And also so it passes on some
really significantly positive messaging to the children, and it makes
sport fun and it doesn't make it this intense negative
experience for them. So that, yeah, that's really lovely. It
shows the better side of human nature.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Really, So I mean, what is that play with parents
who are losing the plot? Is that just because society
has become a bit more feral and we're a bit
more angry and social media.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Or is it?
Speaker 2 (12:30):
I don't know why are we because it does sound
like from what I read in the headlines. Is it
just that we have quicker ways? Here's a take on it.
I'm going to have a hot take, so and you
can tell me if I'm wrong on this. People, social
media enables the instant sharing of any instant of bad behavior.
(12:54):
So are we just hearing about it more because of
the digital age we live in where somebody yells out
abusively and someone's going to catch it on camera and bengo,
it's in the headlines. So is it just that we
hear about it more? Have we changed that it is?
Speaker 4 (13:08):
There is definitely an element of sensationalized activity due to
the ability for social media to grab it and put
it out quickly. So that's definitely a change. Okay, but
it's not the only change. I think. You know, people
have stresses and strains in their lives that they didn't have,
you know, fifteen twenty years ago. I think that people
(13:30):
did they well, I think that.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I don't mean to challenge you, but I'm just in.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Terms of the fuel crisis and bits and bobs that
go on worldwide, and we've got things like climate change,
and people's minds are very you know.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
It's a nuclear threat, is I mean my parents had
you know, we all thought we were going to die
in a nuclear explosion in the late seventies or whatever
it was.
Speaker 4 (13:51):
You j ellan strong about that, But I'm so strong
as social media, my friend. But I think things are
different these days. And also perhaps there is a feeling
and again maybe this is linked to social media, or
maybe it's about people feeling more empowered to say how
they feel and then it just becomes something that's on
steroids and they feel that they can do that anywhere,
(14:12):
which we can't. I mean, we have to, as you say,
read a room, read a situation, be in control. And
I think actually it's self regulation, isn't it. It's being
able to self regulate.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
That's that's the hub of it.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
In terms of your ballpark as well as a psychologist,
are we angryer these days? I mean, which is why
we're What do you notice as a psychologist in your
work in terms of people managing stress and anger?
Speaker 4 (14:38):
And I think that we so a lot of people
obviously talk about stress and burn out and have angry episodes.
We hear a lot about you know, people aggressing against
each other, assaults, and you know, horrible things that are
in the news. But I also think that there are
(14:58):
a breadth and depth of emotions out there and we
need to They're not going to go away. Anger isn't
going to go away. People aren't going to stop being angry,
So we need to learn to manage it. Whether people
are actually putting time into you know, just letting themselves
be and working things out, as opposed to going on
social media, corresponding with people by email on the weekends
(15:22):
when they should be resting, trying to get some balance.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Well here's another take. Yeah, I don't. I would say
that parents again could be wrong, so you can text
me or call. I think we have a generation of parents.
We're both parents are often working, we are on the whole.
I think we are spending less time with our kids.
So it means that those moments when you're attending your sport,
children's sports match the intensity of the focus.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
It's quite important.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's a bit amplified. Would that be something to do
with it?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
You think?
Speaker 4 (15:52):
I think it is. I also think that there are
a lot of parents that think that just being in
a house with their kids living with them is parenting.
It's not. Parenting is a lot of stuff. It's monitoring,
it's guidance, it's setting a good example. It's availing yourself
to your children when they need it. It's reading a
lot of rooms. And I think that there's a lot
(16:17):
of other stuff. There's a lot of white noise in
today's world. So it's yeah, interesting.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Hey, we'd love your calls on this. What are the
rules when it comes to sideline parenting as a parent?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
How do you modify?
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Do you give yourself any messaging when it comes to
parenting on the sideline to hey, look, just take a
deep breath. I say it at the netball like if
I'm struggling or eight hundred eighty ten eighty text nine
nine two. How do you modify your parents so you
don't become that angry parenting makes a scene? We'll be
back in just a moment. Eight hundred eighty ten eighty.
It's twenty three past five. My guest is Sarah Chatwin.
(16:53):
She's from Mind Works. Back in the mow Oops News
talks there be with Tim Beverage. Let's take some calls
on this the sideline parenting and the behavior of parents
and how do you modify yourself. Anyway, let's go to
Brendan and get a.
Speaker 6 (17:06):
Yeah, good aim, heyya. A couple of things on this.
The first thing I say to parents I've cat, I
coached for years and years, had my hey. First thing
I say this some parents when they get very excited,
is look kneel down and have a look at the
game from your kids perspective, because it's very easy. It's
very easy to look down from above and go it's
all very simple. But once you get down to their perspective,
(17:27):
it's astounding how complicated and what a mess it all appears.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
I think probably just by saying that to parents as
well as just telling them to take themselves in hand
a bit, isn't it.
Speaker 6 (17:38):
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. Oh, I think it's you know,
most parents.
Speaker 7 (17:41):
Look.
Speaker 6 (17:41):
I coach around twenty odd years. I had probably two
or three incidents where I had to stop the game
and data parents, can you just you know, please be
gentle with your language or whatever it was.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
That It's good that you did that.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Yeah, well done.
Speaker 6 (17:53):
Yeah, yeah, you know, to have a couple of events
over that time period, I think appearance at ninety nine
parents fantastic.
Speaker 7 (18:02):
But the I mean it can be.
Speaker 6 (18:04):
The other thing you to be aware of is age groups.
I mean kids were Something that I learned is that
kids develop facial awayness about the age of eleven or twelve.
So as parents, if you start directing your kids on
the field or the court and you're coming in to
pass or to give a ball away, all the ten
hundred the age of ten years is tip the ball away,
throw it away, So for them that's the same as
(18:26):
throw it over the sidelines. So you've got to so
we've got to be careful the language we use and
realize that they're brains until you ten to eleven haven't
developed to understand. You can say them share the ball.
But sometimes a parent who can be directing as a coach,
it's a nightmare because you want the kids to learn
(18:47):
and understand what there's to take responsibility to make a decision.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Actually that's quite the game. That's quite good advice.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Because I'm the manager of one of my daughter's teams
in hockey, and I don't really understand the game. Sometimes
I found myself calling in a pass it then, but
I do check with the coach, and he says, maybe
don't give them it sticks.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
It's very important for coaches to you know, have the
control over their team because that is their role. So
parents actually are at a lower tier than that, which is,
you know, how it should be. But that's those are
really nice toa When did.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
How long did you coach for? Are you still where
are you at with it?
Speaker 6 (19:23):
I putish up coaching last. Yeah, I don't coach what
age group I coached through from about the age of
seven through to about the age of fourteen fifteen and
then they get too fast?
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Hey, generally, what are your observations around parent behavior? Is
it more the headlines make everyone look terrible, or is
it you know, as is there an issue.
Speaker 6 (19:48):
No, I think that the headlines, you know, you highlight
the negatives, and I think that's what we're saying. I mean,
parents definitely are more stress than they were twenty years ago,
and I think you know, we relax on the weekend
and that stress comes into the front. Yeah, but most
parents soon you say hang on, They very very quickly
(20:09):
backed down. What I have seen is stress coming to
in different ways. Yeah, we are parents. For example, we
didn't have nets for the goals at one on one
game and one of the parents just because kid and said, no,
that's this is ridiculous. We might as well were playing
rugby and walked off with his kids. So parents are
really wanting the corner flags the net. It's got to
(20:32):
be a special and formal in regards to criticizing your
decisions on the field. Yeah, that has become more of
a thing recently, which is important.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Yeah, that's that's the thing. You've just got to back off.
It's like, you know, I'm glad they do it, but
at Auckland Netball it's a shame they have to do it.
But they have a regular announcement with our sage. Just
remember I'm not sure if they still doing it so much,
but last year I remember there was they would say that,
you remember, the umpires are giving their time and if
we lose an umpire for tonight, we lose them for
(21:04):
the rest.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
Significant that means that there is a level of abuse happening,
and certainly, I mean parents have got to think of
the messaging that they're sending to their children. And also,
I mean there is a dynamic where parents also have
to appreciate coaches and you know, understand and umpires and
refs all of the people that give their time for
(21:26):
their for their kids.
Speaker 6 (21:27):
Yeah, definitely. The only the only thing I'd say is, look,
I actually have a good mate who actually coaches rugby
and his coach his coach all blacks, and you know
when they've been junior kids, and he says the one
thing that he sees with those kids is their parents
don't go on about the game. They were just kids
who happens to be good at rugby. After game, they
(21:48):
never spoke of it. Same with the best footballers I've seen.
Their parents just took it as Look, he does a
bit of football on the side. So what if you
drive your kids really, really hard, they'll just go to
a different support, they'll give up.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Yeah that's living, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
You got to make sure you're not and you're not
forcing them into a sport that they don't like just
because you were, you know, a legend in your own lunchtime.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
But well you weren't an a legend in your own lunchtime.
Speaker 6 (22:17):
Yeah. Yeah, lots and lots of positive supports from the sideline.
It's always good and it's all about come on, guys,
let's go go because kid's under age of about eleven twelve,
they do react to really positive a lot of noise
in the sideline and it really does get them going.
So really positive stuff. Just try not to direct your
kid live and make his own science off. And sometimes
it's hard as appearance to watch your kids.
Speaker 3 (22:39):
Yeah, good stuff. Hey, thanks Brendan.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Yeah, cheers, mate, You're welcome.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
H let's take an.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Actually it's funny. I remember when I was a little boy,
my uncle David was just fantasy. He used to love
watching all the kids play, and he just loved the
but he was a headmaster. In fact, it was for
my headmaster walk and Grammar only found that out years later,
but he he would say to my dad, he said,
I just love watching them. They just put they just
put the you know, the ears back. I can go
(23:05):
for it, go for it, yeah, so loudly for me.
When I had the ball, I looked over it and
at him and tripped over my own feet.
Speaker 4 (23:14):
But that wasn't quite what he was going on.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
I had already crossed the try line. So he just
stopped me running like Forrest Gump, you forever right?
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Where are we up to? Peter?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Hello?
Speaker 7 (23:25):
Here you goes my two cents, I think my daughter
two different sports, water polo and nickball water polo. The
kids can't hear the parents yell from the sideline because.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
They've got the little that's a bonus to sport, but.
Speaker 7 (23:45):
It doesn't stop us parents from yelling out. And you know,
if you've ever played the sport, you just can't hear anything.
So it's good on that. So nickball soccer rugby, I
think in my mind it's because you're right on the
sideline proximity, you're you're engaged in that sport. And what
(24:10):
I found as a I wasn't a hot head, but
I used to get engaged is you're looking at your
child to see if she's in the right position at
the right time. So you end up seeing a lot
of off the ball engagement that might be considered fouls.
So that just ramps up right, like, but one of
(24:33):
the girls is defending her better in the goal, so
you do naturally react. I've got my reflex and found
the ref hasn't seen any right. And then there's also
parents that put their child on a pedestal that think
they are one hundred percent better than what they naturally are,
(24:53):
and that causes a massive amount of issues that I've
seen as a coach, and as well as my daughter saying, Dad,
shut up. And you get to learn that as a coach,
and then you also get, like the last gentleman said,
you get to put parents in their place because one, hey,
(25:16):
I volunteered to coach or manage my daughter's team.
Speaker 5 (25:21):
What did you do.
Speaker 7 (25:22):
Don't you sit here and tell me that as a manager,
I subbed your told three times and another child only twice.
You carried the clipboard, you carried the whistle, and they
shut up straight away. But there's always going to be
that one child that's on a pedestal higher than any
other kid in the team. And you can see it
(25:43):
in every sport. Like you know, I had to tell
a parent as a coach of a water polo team
junior that her daughter couldn't played because she couldn't swim,
so it became a safety.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
That's a fairly straightforward call to make it away.
Speaker 7 (26:00):
But yeah, yeah, but it's the point the parents, like
you were saying, they're living their lives through their child.
But and we're talking like you can still touch the
bottom and at the deep end, they don't dodge the bottom.
So when it becomes a safety aspect, you as a coach,
you just have to go, hey, I'm afraid we can't
(26:23):
play your daughter. I know it's a team sport, but
I'm sorry. She can't swim. She needs to be able
to swim. We can't head well.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
I mean that's actually because you couldn't live with yourself
if you didn't make that call as well. I mean
it's quite a blunt sort of It's quite a blunt
decision that you feel you'd have to make anyway, isn't it.
Speaker 7 (26:41):
Yeah, And it's unfortunately it's a definition of single swim,
but it's yeah. I just think the proxy proximity that
you were talking about is you're engaged more than you
are sitting on the bleachers or sitting back.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
I think the proximity, the proximity does water it down
a bit, isn't it. Because actually I think even thinking
that rugby field, of course it's a big field, but
of course you have line outs where the parents are
right there, whereas often with hockey and soccer everything's happening
quite a distance away. It does seem to dilute, you know,
whatever behavior is going on from parents. I imagine in
(27:19):
a way or am I wrong?
Speaker 4 (27:20):
I think you're probably right. But I also think isn't
this about parents who have sporting kids, parents who know
they're going to be going to sporting events, making a
decision to just self regulate, look at their behaviors, act
accordingly and appropriately. With regard to sending good, positive messaging
to their kids about fair play, good sportsmanship and all
(27:41):
of that, you have to actually be a little bit
mindful and maybe step out of the you know, the.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Immens or self awareness.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
Absolutely, I think a little bit of that.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Cheers, Peter, thanks for coming by. I'll just read this
text from muzz. I mean, he's written it to me,
so I assume you know as I'm going to read
it out just before we go out of the break. Tim,
I'm ashamed to say in the late nineties, I was
watching my son player first fifteen game against massive opposition
when right in front of me, well this is an
interesting one. I'm right in front of me, a kid
(28:11):
or man child as he describes him, stomped on my
son's head, knocking him out. Now, I saw red mist
and step forward to confront this chedu which ended up
in me punching him. But I'm too, but I'm embarrassed
about it now. But seeing your son get done to
that done to him is hard to watch. Look, that's
(28:32):
actually funny thing is when you are acting in a
way where I mean, it's too late now to defend
you child because he's been knocked out. But I don't know.
I think that's the nature of physical contact sports where
it does add challenges. I remember as watching my brother
getting tackled dangerous, dangerously as a younger brother, and I
almost ran onto the pitch to swing a punch at
(28:53):
the at the kid who was doing it.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
He was way bigger than me, but there was an
instinct it.
Speaker 4 (28:57):
Look, it's provocative, isn't it, because you get very emotional,
and particularly when you know the person they're your child
or your brother. But I'm nothing condones or no one
should condone violence.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
I can understand a rage of a parent who's seen
their child knocked out, though I don't know how.
Speaker 4 (29:14):
It handled that I have to be run onto the
field with a medic and get your child off and
do something like that, as opposed to aggressing against.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Another child, I think, well, I mean, you can explain
this to me, but there is a certain it's the
fight or flat response. There's an instant response, you see
to what you perceive to be as an exubsistential threat
to someone you or or something. Absolutely, and I don't
know how you regulate that.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Well, the problem is that there are laws about that
kind of thing because it's assault and all the rest
of it. So you, I mean, you need to be
very mindful of the situation. But certainly, I guess it
would be nice to think that people's energy goes towards
helping the person who is injured as opposed to getting
involved in this scenario with the other person who actually
(29:59):
perpetuated the injury. But I mean, in the moment when
you have that tipping point, that flash point, Yeah, it's tough.
Who knows what any individual would do.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Yeah, I guess what I'm saying. I'm not really judging
muzz on that one. I just think it's an incredibly unfortunate.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
Situation, very unfortunate situation, and no easy answer or anything.
Speaker 3 (30:17):
Right, We've got some more texts. We got another caller
to go to you straight after this.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
It's twenty to six News Talk z B, Yes News
Talks d B with Tim Beverage talking about parental sideline
bad behavior eight hundred and eighty.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
T and E been a popular one. That's actually sideline behavior,
hasn't it well?
Speaker 3 (30:34):
Because we love watching sport, we love supporting our kids.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
We are very very cute into sport in this country.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
So you've painted yourself as quite a reasonable parent. I
have this imagination in my back and my I'm just
imagining what's been presented versus if I could beam in
time to watch Sarah watching, I'd be like, Oh, you're
not as.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
Good chilled out as I thought you'd be.
Speaker 4 (30:56):
I think at times we're all not that chilled out,
But I think you should probably I should probably get
my sons on to tell you, Hey, then you'd believe me.
But I do believe that you don't embarrass your kids,
or you go out of your way to you know,
dinner great other individuals or other children. I think that's
really important.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Yeah, exactly right. Let's go to Edwin.
Speaker 5 (31:18):
Hello, Hey, guys, how are you doing good?
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Thanks? What do you reckon? I just wanted to, you know,
touch on that I can't hear very well, ed One.
Can you get off the hands free or something.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
Or tune your volley out?
Speaker 7 (31:35):
Hey?
Speaker 5 (31:37):
Yeah, hello, yeah, sorry, well that Uh, I was just
gonna uh like touch on the topic you have tonight.
Years Uh, I've got a couple of things. I think.
The first thing was the previous schooler who who who
(31:59):
pointed out that you know, some parents you know, put
their kids on a pedestal and then obviously, uh, you know,
they come up with those expectations, and if they don't
beat those expectations, you know, then the parents you know,
probably get a bit annoyed.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Uh.
Speaker 5 (32:14):
But the but the second one for me was, I
think a lot of parents like who probably didn't make
it while they were young, Like they probably wanted to
play sport at a good level or you know, they.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Weren't quite as and now can they got a chance
to live through their incredibly talented children and and that's
when they lose the plot.
Speaker 5 (32:35):
Yeah, yeah, that's right. And uh they probably thought they
were good enough back in the day, but they didn't
make it. So and now they've got kids of their
own sport I do, I do, uh, just a boy
who plays who plays football.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
So but you have to do you have to sit
on your own impulses to be you know, just chill
out there.
Speaker 5 (33:00):
No, No, I mean I mean, you know, for me,
it's important that he has fun, you know, I mean
us a uh, I've got an ideal like he might
he might like football today, there's no guarantee in five
years time he might he put turn around and say, oh,
you know what, I want to do some boxing or
I want to I want to go play tennis, you
know what I mean, So like yeah, num, yeah for me,
(33:24):
uh yeah, I know, it's about.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
Being involved and having fun and you know, get extra
size and those things.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
When I think you've nailed it, the reminder that you've
just said there, you said you want your child to
have fun, and I think that if that's a question
that their parents ask and want to for their kids
to have, I think that you're well on the way
to being a reasonable parent on the sideline, because as
soon as you start being a deck you'd be You
get asked yourself, do you think my child's having a
good time?
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Now?
Speaker 2 (33:52):
Answer no, no exactly, So hey good on you. Hey,
sorry to get your short way. We're a bit shorter
time there just a couple of texts here or one
one another significantly lengthy text, but we'll anyway.
Speaker 5 (34:06):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
There After sitting on a Junior Rugby Committee. For many years,
I've watched sideline behavior become increasingly more bad. Sideline behavior
becoming increasingly more frequent. Parents are venting on the week's
stress of work and life. On the sidelines on a
Saturday morning it's a perfect place for parents to let
it all out. No matter how much you promote good
sideline behavior, it doesn't work.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
We have to ask.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
We have asked parents to leave the grounds during the games,
only to return with a worse attitude and then making
complaints to the club union for how they were treated. Well, wow,
that shows we still got some work to do, doesn't it.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
Really.
Speaker 4 (34:39):
I mean, there is some work to do. But there
are also examples of parents behaving beautifully and being really
fair minded with regard to the sport. But certainly there
is this you know, there is this group and who
think that it's okay to do this. It's actually not okay.
It's not okay for them, it's not okay for their kids.
So these, you know, this is stuff that does need
(35:00):
to be looked at. I think people are within their
rights in terms of club representatives and coach to ask
parents to tone it down, and if they don't, to say, hey, listen,
you probably need to go and cool your heels somewhere
because it's just not good enough. But I don't think
all parents are like that. I would add. One of
our callers suggested that, you know, kids' heads and brains
(35:21):
aren't you know, fully grown and crystallized until they're about eleven, longer.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Than that twenty five. Actually I say that joking here,
but that's closer to the truth.
Speaker 3 (35:31):
Isn't it.
Speaker 4 (35:31):
Well, you know, we have reasons for allowing people to
vote at eighteen and drink at eighteen and all of
those things, because you're moving into the period of brain
crystallization then and being able to make, you know, reasonable
decisions and rationalize things. So eleven is still very young,
and children, yes, are certainly looking to their parents on
the sideline for support and input. So you've got to
(35:54):
be careful if you want your children to behave behave yourself.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Yeah, And as Edwin mentioned, you know, he thinks about
whether his son's having fun, and I think, you know what,
not that I like to go hear end of the lesson.
But if there is anything to lean out of a
conversation like that, it's a good question to ask yourself
every moment you're starting to think you're losing the plot.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
Hey, thanks Sarah, nice to see you again.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
It's so nice to see you too. Past callers and textas.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
If people need a bit of help from you, they
decide they want to see you professionally as a psychologist.
Speaker 3 (36:23):
How do they get into you?
Speaker 4 (36:24):
It's a few sporting parents, I think. Yeah, just go
on to dubu, dot mindworks, dot co, dot in zed,
send me an email, reach out. Always happy to have
a chat and talk things through.
Speaker 3 (36:34):
Good stuff.
Speaker 5 (36:35):
Right.
Speaker 3 (36:36):
That wraps up the Parents Quade.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks edby.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
And welcome back to the Weekend Collective. This is the
Parents Squad and we'd love you to join the conversation
on eight hundred eighty ten eighty in text as well
nine two nine two. It's funny I always think of
we pick the number so often on News Talks EDB
but all the time they are new people listening go
who probably are like, oh, what is that phone number again?
Whereas for me it's like, well, if you haven't heard
it now, you'll never hear it. But it's our way
(01:10):
one hundred and eighty ten eighty text nine two nine ten.
When we say text nine two nine two, literally that's
what you type into your phone if you want to
text us, just nine two nine two and hits sen
because it does feel weird, doesn't it. Because everyone else
when you're texting your mates it's two seven blah blah blah,
A two one blah blah blah, et cetera. But nop,
for us, it's just nine two nine to two. Most
of you know this, of course, because you've received a
(01:31):
think for your text two News Talks EPP. Anyway, this
is the Parents Squad and first things first, we want
to have a chat about sideline parenting and what actually
do you understand the rules to be if you're a parent,
Because parents, there are news stories recently where parents are
acting up again on the sidelines of their children's games,
(01:54):
more recently in the Mighty y Cuto leading to youth
This is how bad it gets leading to youth rugby
league games been canceled last Sunday after reports are physical
and vers verbal abuse. So sport Whykato CEO Matthew Cooper
said the problem is felt worldwide with parents wanting to
achieve through their children.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
It does feel like a bit of a.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Diversion, doesn't it. You've got a problem in Whykato. You've
got the headlines in New Zealand and your response is, oh,
this is a worldwide problem. Well, you know what, it's
a Why Kuto problem specifically, which is leading us to
talk about it. So I think just saying it's a
worldwide problem, maybe it is. In fact, undoubtedly it's a
worldwide problem. It's just a funny way to express it,
(02:39):
isn't it. But what behavior I want to explore and
get your take on, has the behavior. Has behavior changed, well,
I think we can say yes, but then there have
been bad parents and bad you know, supporters over the
course of time, but it hasn't got worse. But more specifically,
have the rules actually changed from what is actually acceptable?
(03:01):
Because I almost was discerning in some sports that it's
almost frowned upon to cheer by your children, to cheer
too loudly for them because your kids are dad. Don't
you draw attention to me? Don't draw it, don't you know?
So what rules do you follow? Because they're rules and norms,
they're not laws. Of course, punching someone is against the law.
(03:22):
I mean, if the law is involved, we're in deep trouble,
aren't we. But what behavior is okay and expected at
your children's sports game? And you know, have we want
to hear your stories. Have you seen that support cross
into abuse? So yeah, we're also going to dig into
a little bit about the educating your children and how
much parents need to take on board themselves their responsibility
(03:47):
for their children's education, because it does seem that a
lot of the conversations when it comes to budgets and
what's being spent. I do have a grumpy middle aged
man's take that, you know what you had kids, Get
off your get off your metaphorical asses when it comes
to education, and start teaching your kids well before they
(04:08):
get to school. And if you haven't done that, then
I don't know. I don't think you're doing your job
as a parent. So you can tell me if I'm
right or wrong on that. But I just think that
that's another angle we're going to dig into. But meanwhile,
on the sideline parenting, and she's sitting here so patiently,
I wonder when he's going to introduce me. But it
is the lovely Sarah Chatwin, and she's a psychologist's mind works.
(04:31):
And as soon as the introducer I think, oh god,
if I pronounced it wrong again.
Speaker 4 (04:36):
You did it beautifully, Sarah, beautiful. I was wondering if
you were going to remember that I was in the
studio though, How could I forget woods. I'm liking what
you're saying. I'm picking up what you putting down.
Speaker 2 (04:47):
I mean, by the way, I have thrown two topics
out there. We generally try and start with one and
lead to the other. But if something I've said has
trickled you as a listener, and you want to have
your say, You're welcome to climbing and on any of them.
But the sports side, the sideline parenting thing, I guess
maybe I should pl into.
Speaker 3 (05:05):
Your sort of ballpark.
Speaker 2 (05:07):
Why do parents turn into such decks when they're supporting
the What is it that's going on psychologically humans?
Speaker 4 (05:13):
Yeah, it's really bad behavior for some parents.
Speaker 5 (05:16):
I get it.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
And we have had a number of occasions that have,
you know, hit the headlines with regard to parents fighting
on the sideline. I'm amazed too, or I don't really
understand how those parents are thinking that they will have
children who behave appropriately if they can't behave appropriately in situations.
And I think in answer to your question, I do
(05:38):
think there's a bit of vicariously living through your child
kind of scenario going on here.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Hello.
Speaker 4 (05:43):
Ye, and we love sport in our country. And was
it the mayor of white Kato? Who was it in Whyketto.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
That that was the sport?
Speaker 5 (05:53):
Okay?
Speaker 4 (05:54):
Yeah, it may be a worldwide problem. Doesn't make it
any better that it's happening with us, So we do
have to pay some attention.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
And I think it's just an exand response. It's like
not just us, you know, well, you welcome to the headlines.
You need to own it.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
I think we I think a lot of people would
respond like that. But I think also you can say
some words, but there needs to be some actions. And
of course there aren't laws specifically for parents acting out
on the sidelines, but there are laws in and around
assault and grievous bodily harm and all of the rest
of it. Because some of that is occurring on the sidelines.
I think people become very passionate about sport. They're very
(06:31):
passionate about their children and what their children are doing.
They want to be supportive, but there's a tipping point,
and a lot of people go over that tipping point.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Actually, it's interesting. I find it. I find it harder
to watch. There's some sports that are easier to watch
as a parent. And I can't work out why, for instance,
so much in terms of psychologically for me relaxing and
not getting too intense about it, because I have intense emotions.
(06:59):
But what I do is I'm sorry for Roger of Masterton,
who doesn't like talking about my own take on things.
But no, but what I know that I'm there's a
part of me that goes, oh, you just want to
go But what I do is I literally take a
breath and I turn and watch another game for a third.
Speaker 4 (07:18):
Take yourself out of that moment.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
I never allow.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Myself to go there because I know myself because don't
be don't be a dick. But I find it easier
to watch my daughter's hockey match. Then I might still go, oh,
what's going and you are passionate, You're going come on,
you know, and a chair.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
But I really struggle with knitball.
Speaker 4 (07:35):
Because it's strange.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
I was going to because of the team.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
I was going to say there was a team dynamic
and you work more comfortable with the team, but it's
obviously the sport.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
I don't know things happen. I think that's because there's
a lot more and I can't work it out, but.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
I will figure you out to I don't.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Know if there's a cycle, but I think it's because
there's there's there are so many more shots and opportunities
to do things.
Speaker 5 (08:01):
In nitball.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
It goes back and forth so quickly. It's a lot
more shorter term tense watch. But then as I say that,
I think I don't know what I'm talking about, because
because field hockey is really fast fast.
Speaker 4 (08:12):
Yeah, it is incredibly fast. But I mean it's the
in the eye of the beholder, really, isn't it. Some
sports resonate for people in complete way.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
I don't understand hockey as much either. There you go,
and it's probably the rules. It's like what happened there?
Speaker 4 (08:25):
What was that for? So there's a there's a maybe
there's a little bit of what ignorant bliss or you know,
there's a confident in that. But I think for some
people they would find a soccer game easier to watch
than a singles tennis match or something like that because
you are just fixated on your person who was one
of two on that. Yeah, and that might be very intense,
(08:48):
but we'll figure it out.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
I mean, did you have to did you support not
have to? Did you support your children with sport?
Speaker 3 (08:55):
One?
Speaker 4 (08:55):
Absolutely? I had three. I have three sons and a daughter.
And my sons we're all very very interested in sport
and participated in triathlon, running, tennis, soccer, everything, and you know,
cycling to have pretty high level actually regional and national
champs for their school. And yeah, I mean I.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Can't watch too much of that unless it's in the stadium. Now,
that's the road racing it's like I'll see you in
that now.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
You plant yourself on the sideline, though, and you see
everybody you know go through. Yeah, but there were tennis,
there was cricket and rugby and bits and bobs, and
I guess most of the time, I would like to
think ninety five percent of the time I was good.
A couple of the times I probably yelled when I
shouldn't have. You did mention that sometimes children put boundaries
and limits in place with regard to what they want
(09:44):
their parents to do. So I was kind of listening
to my kids too if they said, hey, Mum, don't yell.
I'm not comfortable with that. So there are not laws
and rules of regulations so much so around this, but
your children will let you know if well, I feel
if you're being unruly.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
I think also being respectful towards the opposition and their supporters.
But so, for instance, and this is I don't think
it necessarily comes from It might come from a game
that my daughter played where we ended up winning quite well. Yes,
and so the first two or three goals or three
or four goals for this is for hockey that we
(10:20):
all cheered enthusiasts, our great shot and then we realized
that we were going to win handsomely. Yes, And so
I think every parent actually backed off in terms of
how enthusiastically we cheered, because we didn't want to be
those We don't want to be tone deaf to the
fact that for the other parents it was a struggle,
and we actually made more of an effort to cheer
(10:41):
good plays by.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
The other team.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
And actually, I actually do think we were pretty bloody
awesome at that, I think, but it took a conscious,
conscious recognition of the fact that, you know, we all
want to support everyone who's on the pitch.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
Yes, I mean, I think there's something to be said
for giving praise when it's Joe and it's nice to
be excited about stuff and sport is brilliant. I mean,
we want our kids to be playing sport and not
doing other stuff that you know, social media and all
the rest of it. Twenty four seven. I must agree
with you. I think it's really lovely when you are
not pitted against your opponent's support crew, when you can
(11:16):
actually you know, I have a bit of a giggle
every now and again and congratulate them at the end,
and you know, take victory and defeat in the same
kind of way with good spirit and good humor.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
And actually, because the.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Book can be on the other foot all the time,
and I think that I would invent a rule right
now is say that if you really want to enjoy
sport with your kids, make sure you appreciate and applaud
the good play of the other of the other kids
who are on the other side, because somehow just foster's
a vibe where everyone is a lot more friendly. And
(11:48):
I know when there's been moments when my daughter's team
hasn't done so well over the years, and you since
I've seen parents from the other side make a point
of celebrating when our team did something well, and I
thought that was it was just a way of saying,
I don't know, it's just it's cool.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
It is cool. And also so it passes on some
really significantly positive messaging to the children, and it makes
sport fun and it doesn't make it this intense negative
experience for them. So that, yeah, that's really lovely. It
shows the better side of human nature.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Really, So I mean, what is that play with parents
who are losing the plot? Is that just because society
has become a bit more feral and we're a bit
more angry and social media.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Or is it?
Speaker 2 (12:30):
I don't know why are we because it does sound
like from what I read in the headlines. Is it
just that we have quicker ways? Here's a take on it.
I'm going to have a hot take, so and you
can tell me if I'm wrong on this. People, social
media enables the instant sharing of any instant of bad behavior.
(12:54):
So are we just hearing about it more because of
the digital age we live in where somebody yells out
abusively and someone's going to catch it on camera and bengo,
it's in the headlines. So is it just that we
hear about it more? Have we changed that it is?
Speaker 4 (13:08):
There is definitely an element of sensationalized activity due to
the ability for social media to grab it and put
it out quickly. So that's definitely a change. Okay, but
it's not the only change. I think. You know, people
have stresses and strains in their lives that they didn't have,
you know, fifteen twenty years ago. I think that people
(13:30):
did they well, I think that.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
I don't mean to challenge you, but I'm just in.
Speaker 4 (13:34):
Terms of the fuel crisis and bits and bobs that
go on worldwide, and we've got things like climate change,
and people's minds are very you know.
Speaker 2 (13:44):
It's a nuclear threat, is I mean my parents had
you know, we all thought we were going to die
in a nuclear explosion in the late seventies or whatever
it was.
Speaker 4 (13:51):
You j ellan strong about that, But I'm so strong
as social media, my friend. But I think things are
different these days. And also perhaps there is a feeling
and again maybe this is linked to social media, or
maybe it's about people feeling more empowered to say how
they feel and then it just becomes something that's on
steroids and they feel that they can do that anywhere,
(14:12):
which we can't. I mean, we have to, as you say,
read a room, read a situation, be in control. And
I think actually it's self regulation, isn't it. It's being
able to self regulate.
Speaker 3 (14:24):
That's that's the hub of it.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
In terms of your ballpark as well as a psychologist,
are we angryer these days? I mean, which is why
we're What do you notice as a psychologist in your
work in terms of people managing stress and anger?
Speaker 4 (14:38):
And I think that we so a lot of people
obviously talk about stress and burn out and have angry episodes.
We hear a lot about you know, people aggressing against
each other, assaults, and you know, horrible things that are
in the news. But I also think that there are
(14:58):
a breadth and depth of emotions out there and we
need to They're not going to go away. Anger isn't
going to go away. People aren't going to stop being angry,
So we need to learn to manage it. Whether people
are actually putting time into you know, just letting themselves
be and working things out, as opposed to going on
social media, corresponding with people by email on the weekends
(15:22):
when they should be resting, trying to get some balance.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
Well here's another take. Yeah, I don't. I would say
that parents again could be wrong, so you can text
me or call. I think we have a generation of parents.
We're both parents are often working, we are on the whole.
I think we are spending less time with our kids.
So it means that those moments when you're attending your sport,
children's sports match the intensity of the focus.
Speaker 4 (15:47):
It's quite important.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's a bit amplified. Would that be something to do
with it?
Speaker 3 (15:52):
You think?
Speaker 4 (15:52):
I think it is. I also think that there are
a lot of parents that think that just being in
a house with their kids living with them is parenting.
It's not. Parenting is a lot of stuff. It's monitoring,
it's guidance, it's setting a good example. It's availing yourself
to your children when they need it. It's reading a
lot of rooms. And I think that there's a lot
(16:17):
of other stuff. There's a lot of white noise in
today's world. So it's yeah, interesting.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
Hey, we'd love your calls on this. What are the
rules when it comes to sideline parenting as a parent?
Speaker 3 (16:27):
How do you modify?
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Do you give yourself any messaging when it comes to
parenting on the sideline to hey, look, just take a
deep breath. I say it at the netball like if
I'm struggling or eight hundred eighty ten eighty text nine
nine two. How do you modify your parents so you
don't become that angry parenting makes a scene? We'll be
back in just a moment. Eight hundred eighty ten eighty.
It's twenty three past five. My guest is Sarah Chatwin.
(16:53):
She's from Mind Works. Back in the mow Oops News
talks there be with Tim Beverage. Let's take some calls
on this the sideline parenting and the behavior of parents
and how do you modify yourself. Anyway, let's go to
Brendan and get a.
Speaker 6 (17:06):
Yeah, good aim, heyya. A couple of things on this.
The first thing I say to parents I've cat, I
coached for years and years, had my hey. First thing
I say this some parents when they get very excited,
is look kneel down and have a look at the
game from your kids perspective, because it's very easy. It's
very easy to look down from above and go it's
all very simple. But once you get down to their perspective,
(17:27):
it's astounding how complicated and what a mess it all appears.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
I think probably just by saying that to parents as
well as just telling them to take themselves in hand
a bit, isn't it.
Speaker 6 (17:38):
Yeah, Yeah, for sure. Oh, I think it's you know,
most parents.
Speaker 7 (17:41):
Look.
Speaker 6 (17:41):
I coach around twenty odd years. I had probably two
or three incidents where I had to stop the game
and data parents, can you just you know, please be
gentle with your language or whatever it was.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
That It's good that you did that.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Yeah, well done.
Speaker 6 (17:53):
Yeah, yeah, you know, to have a couple of events
over that time period, I think appearance at ninety nine
parents fantastic.
Speaker 7 (18:02):
But the I mean it can be.
Speaker 6 (18:04):
The other thing you to be aware of is age groups.
I mean kids were Something that I learned is that
kids develop facial awayness about the age of eleven or twelve.
So as parents, if you start directing your kids on
the field or the court and you're coming in to
pass or to give a ball away, all the ten
hundred the age of ten years is tip the ball away,
throw it away, So for them that's the same as
(18:26):
throw it over the sidelines. So you've got to so
we've got to be careful the language we use and
realize that they're brains until you ten to eleven haven't
developed to understand. You can say them share the ball.
But sometimes a parent who can be directing as a coach,
it's a nightmare because you want the kids to learn
(18:47):
and understand what there's to take responsibility to make a decision.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
Actually that's quite the game. That's quite good advice.
Speaker 2 (18:53):
Because I'm the manager of one of my daughter's teams
in hockey, and I don't really understand the game. Sometimes
I found myself calling in a pass it then, but
I do check with the coach, and he says, maybe
don't give them it sticks.
Speaker 4 (19:05):
It's very important for coaches to you know, have the
control over their team because that is their role. So
parents actually are at a lower tier than that, which is,
you know, how it should be. But that's those are
really nice toa When did.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
How long did you coach for? Are you still where
are you at with it?
Speaker 6 (19:23):
I putish up coaching last. Yeah, I don't coach what
age group I coached through from about the age of
seven through to about the age of fourteen fifteen and
then they get too fast?
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Hey, generally, what are your observations around parent behavior? Is
it more the headlines make everyone look terrible, or is
it you know, as is there an issue.
Speaker 6 (19:48):
No, I think that the headlines, you know, you highlight
the negatives, and I think that's what we're saying. I mean,
parents definitely are more stress than they were twenty years ago,
and I think you know, we relax on the weekend
and that stress comes into the front. Yeah, but most
parents soon you say hang on, They very very quickly
(20:09):
backed down. What I have seen is stress coming to
in different ways. Yeah, we are parents. For example, we
didn't have nets for the goals at one on one
game and one of the parents just because kid and said, no,
that's this is ridiculous. We might as well were playing
rugby and walked off with his kids. So parents are
really wanting the corner flags the net. It's got to
(20:32):
be a special and formal in regards to criticizing your
decisions on the field. Yeah, that has become more of
a thing recently, which is important.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Yeah, that's that's the thing. You've just got to back off.
It's like, you know, I'm glad they do it, but
at Auckland Netball it's a shame they have to do it.
But they have a regular announcement with our sage. Just
remember I'm not sure if they still doing it so much,
but last year I remember there was they would say that,
you remember, the umpires are giving their time and if
we lose an umpire for tonight, we lose them for
(21:04):
the rest.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
Significant that means that there is a level of abuse happening,
and certainly, I mean parents have got to think of
the messaging that they're sending to their children. And also,
I mean there is a dynamic where parents also have
to appreciate coaches and you know, understand and umpires and
refs all of the people that give their time for
(21:26):
their for their kids.
Speaker 6 (21:27):
Yeah, definitely. The only the only thing I'd say is, look,
I actually have a good mate who actually coaches rugby
and his coach his coach all blacks, and you know
when they've been junior kids, and he says the one
thing that he sees with those kids is their parents
don't go on about the game. They were just kids
who happens to be good at rugby. After game, they
(21:48):
never spoke of it. Same with the best footballers I've seen.
Their parents just took it as Look, he does a
bit of football on the side. So what if you
drive your kids really, really hard, they'll just go to
a different support, they'll give up.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
Yeah that's living, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
You got to make sure you're not and you're not
forcing them into a sport that they don't like just
because you were, you know, a legend in your own lunchtime.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
But well you weren't an a legend in your own lunchtime.
Speaker 6 (22:17):
Yeah. Yeah, lots and lots of positive supports from the sideline.
It's always good and it's all about come on, guys,
let's go go because kid's under age of about eleven twelve,
they do react to really positive a lot of noise
in the sideline and it really does get them going.
So really positive stuff. Just try not to direct your
kid live and make his own science off. And sometimes
it's hard as appearance to watch your kids.
Speaker 3 (22:39):
Yeah, good stuff. Hey, thanks Brendan.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
Yeah, cheers, mate, You're welcome.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
H let's take an.
Speaker 2 (22:45):
Actually it's funny. I remember when I was a little boy,
my uncle David was just fantasy. He used to love
watching all the kids play, and he just loved the
but he was a headmaster. In fact, it was for
my headmaster walk and Grammar only found that out years later,
but he he would say to my dad, he said,
I just love watching them. They just put they just
put the you know, the ears back. I can go
(23:05):
for it, go for it, yeah, so loudly for me.
When I had the ball, I looked over it and
at him and tripped over my own feet.
Speaker 4 (23:14):
But that wasn't quite what he was going on.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
I had already crossed the try line. So he just
stopped me running like Forrest Gump, you forever right?
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Where are we up to? Peter?
Speaker 2 (23:24):
Hello?
Speaker 7 (23:25):
Here you goes my two cents, I think my daughter
two different sports, water polo and nickball water polo. The
kids can't hear the parents yell from the sideline because.
Speaker 4 (23:39):
They've got the little that's a bonus to sport, but.
Speaker 7 (23:45):
It doesn't stop us parents from yelling out. And you know,
if you've ever played the sport, you just can't hear anything.
So it's good on that. So nickball soccer rugby, I
think in my mind it's because you're right on the
sideline proximity, you're you're engaged in that sport. And what
(24:10):
I found as a I wasn't a hot head, but
I used to get engaged is you're looking at your
child to see if she's in the right position at
the right time. So you end up seeing a lot
of off the ball engagement that might be considered fouls.
So that just ramps up right, like, but one of
(24:33):
the girls is defending her better in the goal, so
you do naturally react. I've got my reflex and found
the ref hasn't seen any right. And then there's also
parents that put their child on a pedestal that think
they are one hundred percent better than what they naturally are,
(24:53):
and that causes a massive amount of issues that I've
seen as a coach, and as well as my daughter saying, Dad,
shut up. And you get to learn that as a coach,
and then you also get, like the last gentleman said,
you get to put parents in their place because one, hey,
(25:16):
I volunteered to coach or manage my daughter's team.
Speaker 5 (25:21):
What did you do.
Speaker 7 (25:22):
Don't you sit here and tell me that as a manager,
I subbed your told three times and another child only twice.
You carried the clipboard, you carried the whistle, and they
shut up straight away. But there's always going to be
that one child that's on a pedestal higher than any
other kid in the team. And you can see it
(25:43):
in every sport. Like you know, I had to tell
a parent as a coach of a water polo team
junior that her daughter couldn't played because she couldn't swim,
so it became a safety.
Speaker 3 (25:58):
That's a fairly straightforward call to make it away.
Speaker 7 (26:00):
But yeah, yeah, but it's the point the parents, like
you were saying, they're living their lives through their child.
But and we're talking like you can still touch the
bottom and at the deep end, they don't dodge the bottom.
So when it becomes a safety aspect, you as a coach,
you just have to go, hey, I'm afraid we can't
(26:23):
play your daughter. I know it's a team sport, but
I'm sorry. She can't swim. She needs to be able
to swim. We can't head well.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
I mean that's actually because you couldn't live with yourself
if you didn't make that call as well. I mean
it's quite a blunt sort of It's quite a blunt
decision that you feel you'd have to make anyway, isn't it.
Speaker 7 (26:41):
Yeah, And it's unfortunately it's a definition of single swim,
but it's yeah. I just think the proxy proximity that
you were talking about is you're engaged more than you
are sitting on the bleachers or sitting back.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
I think the proximity, the proximity does water it down
a bit, isn't it. Because actually I think even thinking
that rugby field, of course it's a big field, but
of course you have line outs where the parents are
right there, whereas often with hockey and soccer everything's happening
quite a distance away. It does seem to dilute, you know,
whatever behavior is going on from parents. I imagine in
(27:19):
a way or am I wrong?
Speaker 4 (27:20):
I think you're probably right. But I also think isn't
this about parents who have sporting kids, parents who know
they're going to be going to sporting events, making a
decision to just self regulate, look at their behaviors, act
accordingly and appropriately. With regard to sending good, positive messaging
to their kids about fair play, good sportsmanship and all
(27:41):
of that, you have to actually be a little bit
mindful and maybe step out of the you know, the.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
Immens or self awareness.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
Absolutely, I think a little bit of that.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Cheers, Peter, thanks for coming by. I'll just read this
text from muzz. I mean, he's written it to me,
so I assume you know as I'm going to read
it out just before we go out of the break. Tim,
I'm ashamed to say in the late nineties, I was
watching my son player first fifteen game against massive opposition
when right in front of me, well this is an
interesting one. I'm right in front of me, a kid
(28:11):
or man child as he describes him, stomped on my
son's head, knocking him out. Now, I saw red mist
and step forward to confront this chedu which ended up
in me punching him. But I'm too, but I'm embarrassed
about it now. But seeing your son get done to
that done to him is hard to watch. Look, that's
(28:32):
actually funny thing is when you are acting in a
way where I mean, it's too late now to defend
you child because he's been knocked out. But I don't know.
I think that's the nature of physical contact sports where
it does add challenges. I remember as watching my brother
getting tackled dangerous, dangerously as a younger brother, and I
almost ran onto the pitch to swing a punch at
(28:53):
the at the kid who was doing it.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
He was way bigger than me, but there was an
instinct it.
Speaker 4 (28:57):
Look, it's provocative, isn't it, because you get very emotional,
and particularly when you know the person they're your child
or your brother. But I'm nothing condones or no one
should condone violence.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
I can understand a rage of a parent who's seen
their child knocked out, though I don't know how.
Speaker 4 (29:14):
It handled that I have to be run onto the
field with a medic and get your child off and
do something like that, as opposed to aggressing against.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
Another child, I think, well, I mean, you can explain
this to me, but there is a certain it's the
fight or flat response. There's an instant response, you see
to what you perceive to be as an exubsistential threat
to someone you or or something. Absolutely, and I don't
know how you regulate that.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Well, the problem is that there are laws about that
kind of thing because it's assault and all the rest
of it. So you, I mean, you need to be
very mindful of the situation. But certainly, I guess it
would be nice to think that people's energy goes towards
helping the person who is injured as opposed to getting
involved in this scenario with the other person who actually
(29:59):
perpetuated the injury. But I mean, in the moment when
you have that tipping point, that flash point, Yeah, it's tough.
Who knows what any individual would do.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Yeah, I guess what I'm saying. I'm not really judging
muzz on that one. I just think it's an incredibly unfortunate.
Speaker 4 (30:12):
Situation, very unfortunate situation, and no easy answer or anything.
Speaker 3 (30:17):
Right, We've got some more texts. We got another caller
to go to you straight after this.
Speaker 2 (30:20):
It's twenty to six News Talk z B, Yes News
Talks d B with Tim Beverage talking about parental sideline
bad behavior eight hundred and eighty.
Speaker 4 (30:30):
T and E been a popular one. That's actually sideline behavior,
hasn't it well?
Speaker 3 (30:34):
Because we love watching sport, we love supporting our kids.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
We are very very cute into sport in this country.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
So you've painted yourself as quite a reasonable parent. I
have this imagination in my back and my I'm just
imagining what's been presented versus if I could beam in
time to watch Sarah watching, I'd be like, Oh, you're
not as.
Speaker 3 (30:54):
Good chilled out as I thought you'd be.
Speaker 4 (30:56):
I think at times we're all not that chilled out,
But I think you should probably I should probably get
my sons on to tell you, Hey, then you'd believe me.
But I do believe that you don't embarrass your kids,
or you go out of your way to you know,
dinner great other individuals or other children. I think that's
really important.
Speaker 3 (31:16):
Yeah, exactly right. Let's go to Edwin.
Speaker 5 (31:18):
Hello, Hey, guys, how are you doing good?
Speaker 3 (31:21):
Thanks? What do you reckon? I just wanted to, you know,
touch on that I can't hear very well, ed One.
Can you get off the hands free or something.
Speaker 4 (31:30):
Or tune your volley out?
Speaker 7 (31:35):
Hey?
Speaker 5 (31:37):
Yeah, hello, yeah, sorry, well that Uh, I was just
gonna uh like touch on the topic you have tonight.
Years Uh, I've got a couple of things. I think.
The first thing was the previous schooler who who who
(31:59):
pointed out that you know, some parents you know, put
their kids on a pedestal and then obviously, uh, you know,
they come up with those expectations, and if they don't
beat those expectations, you know, then the parents you know,
probably get a bit annoyed.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
Uh.
Speaker 5 (32:14):
But the but the second one for me was, I
think a lot of parents like who probably didn't make
it while they were young, Like they probably wanted to
play sport at a good level or you know, they.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
Weren't quite as and now can they got a chance
to live through their incredibly talented children and and that's
when they lose the plot.
Speaker 5 (32:35):
Yeah, yeah, that's right. And uh they probably thought they
were good enough back in the day, but they didn't
make it. So and now they've got kids of their
own sport I do, I do, uh, just a boy
who plays who plays football.
Speaker 2 (32:52):
So but you have to do you have to sit
on your own impulses to be you know, just chill
out there.
Speaker 5 (33:00):
No, No, I mean I mean, you know, for me,
it's important that he has fun, you know, I mean
us a uh, I've got an ideal like he might
he might like football today, there's no guarantee in five
years time he might he put turn around and say, oh,
you know what, I want to do some boxing or
I want to I want to go play tennis, you
know what I mean, So like yeah, num, yeah for me,
(33:24):
uh yeah, I know, it's about.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
Being involved and having fun and you know, get extra
size and those things.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
When I think you've nailed it, the reminder that you've
just said there, you said you want your child to
have fun, and I think that if that's a question
that their parents ask and want to for their kids
to have, I think that you're well on the way
to being a reasonable parent on the sideline, because as
soon as you start being a deck you'd be You
get asked yourself, do you think my child's having a
good time?
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Now?
Speaker 2 (33:52):
Answer no, no exactly, So hey good on you. Hey,
sorry to get your short way. We're a bit shorter
time there just a couple of texts here or one
one another significantly lengthy text, but we'll anyway.
Speaker 5 (34:06):
Hi.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
There After sitting on a Junior Rugby Committee. For many years,
I've watched sideline behavior become increasingly more bad. Sideline behavior
becoming increasingly more frequent. Parents are venting on the week's
stress of work and life. On the sidelines on a
Saturday morning it's a perfect place for parents to let
it all out. No matter how much you promote good
sideline behavior, it doesn't work.
Speaker 3 (34:24):
We have to ask.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
We have asked parents to leave the grounds during the games,
only to return with a worse attitude and then making
complaints to the club union for how they were treated. Well, wow,
that shows we still got some work to do, doesn't it.
Speaker 5 (34:39):
Really.
Speaker 4 (34:39):
I mean, there is some work to do. But there
are also examples of parents behaving beautifully and being really
fair minded with regard to the sport. But certainly there
is this you know, there is this group and who
think that it's okay to do this. It's actually not okay.
It's not okay for them, it's not okay for their kids.
So these, you know, this is stuff that does need
(35:00):
to be looked at. I think people are within their
rights in terms of club representatives and coach to ask
parents to tone it down, and if they don't, to say, hey, listen,
you probably need to go and cool your heels somewhere
because it's just not good enough. But I don't think
all parents are like that. I would add. One of
our callers suggested that, you know, kids' heads and brains
(35:21):
aren't you know, fully grown and crystallized until they're about eleven, longer.
Speaker 2 (35:26):
Than that twenty five. Actually I say that joking here,
but that's closer to the truth.
Speaker 3 (35:31):
Isn't it.
Speaker 4 (35:31):
Well, you know, we have reasons for allowing people to
vote at eighteen and drink at eighteen and all of
those things, because you're moving into the period of brain
crystallization then and being able to make, you know, reasonable
decisions and rationalize things. So eleven is still very young,
and children, yes, are certainly looking to their parents on
the sideline for support and input. So you've got to
(35:54):
be careful if you want your children to behave behave yourself.
Speaker 2 (35:58):
Yeah, And as Edwin mentioned, you know, he thinks about
whether his son's having fun, and I think, you know what,
not that I like to go hear end of the lesson.
But if there is anything to lean out of a
conversation like that, it's a good question to ask yourself
every moment you're starting to think you're losing the plot.
Speaker 3 (36:15):
Hey, thanks Sarah, nice to see you again.
Speaker 4 (36:16):
It's so nice to see you too. Past callers and textas.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
If people need a bit of help from you, they
decide they want to see you professionally as a psychologist.
Speaker 3 (36:23):
How do they get into you?
Speaker 4 (36:24):
It's a few sporting parents, I think. Yeah, just go
on to dubu, dot mindworks, dot co, dot in zed,
send me an email, reach out. Always happy to have
a chat and talk things through.
Speaker 3 (36:34):
Good stuff.
Speaker 5 (36:35):
Right.
Speaker 3 (36:36):
That wraps up the Parents Quade.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk ZEDB weekends from three pm, or follow the podcast
on iHeartRadio.
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