March 14, 2026 • 35 mins
Kids push limits - it's just what they do.
From as early as the toddler years, it's completely developmentally normal for children to figure out just how for they can push their parents before a very clear line is drawn - but what about those times where behaviour you never would have imagined doing yourself as a child rears its head?
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Be the second and welcome back.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
This is the Weekend Collective or welcome in if you've
just joined us, as is the Parents Squad. We want
your calls eighty text nine nine two. And what we're
going to talk about, Well, it's about kids pushing the limits. Okay,
So look, they all kids push the limits. It's what
they do. But you know, in the earlier on the
toddler years, it's just part of them finding out what's
(00:56):
okay and what's not they developmentally, it's what kids do
to figure out just how far they can push things
before parents decide right it's time to draw a line
or just pushing back gently. But what about the times
where behavior is what you never would have imagined as
(01:16):
a parent and you never would have imagined doing it
yourself as a child. Now, look, everyone's got their different
standards as to what amounts to outrageous behavior. And there's
a difference between your teenager staying up a few hours
too late on their phone and sneaking out the window
after midnight as soon as you've gone to sleep, which
would be one of those things I think I would
completely Oh my flip my lid. I don't know if
(01:39):
that's the way I'd put it, But what do you
do when there's that line crust? You know, you deal
with the tantrums, you deal with the teenage angst or whatever,
But what happens when they actually do that thing you
thought like and you if you're you know, you're with
your partner or and you say, I can't believe that
this is what they've done and.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
You just can't believe it.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
What do you do with kids who know the rules
but then blatantly or something that you have seen as
a red line. So they're not just pushing the limits,
but maybe they're even putting themselves in danger because there
is also that tension between your outrage and your kids
not knowing sorry, your kids knowing that no matter what
(02:22):
they've done, that you are still safe harbor. Because the
last thing you want to do is have your kids
do something terrible and realize and think to themselves, I've
broken the big rule. I'm now in deep trouble, But
I can't call mom and dad because I'll be in
big trouble. You need to know them to know you're
still safe harbor. So we want to know what you
think eight hundred eighty ten eighty text nine two nine two.
(02:44):
What outrageous behavior did you when you were someone's kid
indulge in? Or what outrageous behavior did your kids indulge in?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
And how did you sort it out?
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty And also how far
would you go, you know, to get the message through
to your kids of what is and isn't okay? And
regardless of that that they can still get in touch
when they need to. Sounds like a bit of a
halfway house, doesn't it anyway to discuss that? Look, he's
the trusted voice in parenting. He is a parenting expert.
(03:18):
John Cowny's with us for the Parents Squad.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
John, just listening to that introduction, I think I'm just
heading for the door. It's very hard, but I thought,
but I can't wait to hear people's stories about what
the trouble they got into and how they got sorted.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Out, because I was trying to think when I was
growing up, I well, I did something as an adult
child which I thought was pretty bad, and I surprised
how how understanding my mom was actually, But I was
always generally a rule follower. I never really broke the rules,
whereas I'm not sure I could speak that say the
same from a brother's but they wouldn't thank me for
(03:52):
spilling their secrets.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
You're going to have to do by a copy of
my autobiography, the one that's going to be released posthumously,
to find out.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
What I got up to.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
But yeah, I mean, did you did you do something
as a kid where you thought, I really you know,
you knew that it was absolutely beyond the pale.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
Oh absolutely. And the thing is, because of the relationship
my parents had with me, they didn't have to wind
up their anger to you know, ten on the dial.
It was more sort of their sense of disappointment and
everything like that, which made me just actually want to
die inside. But knowing, and that's the thing, what is
(04:33):
the goal of your responding to your kids when they
do this? And by the way, if your kids have
thrown up some outlandish behavior, something which is absolutely gobs
back to anything, how could my child do that? Welcome
to the club. Probably a rich child, well, even very
well brought up children well occasionally have a lapse, a
slip and everything like this, And you just got to
(04:54):
remember your goal, your goal is that you don't want
them to do it again, that you want and also
you wanted to keep the relationship good.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Well, it's funny. I was just thinking as you were
saying that, I whether it was for me.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
It was something I did once, but normally, you know,
Mum would Mum.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Was the disciplinarian.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
But I remember once there was something that had happened,
and she was actually the thing that made me realize
that it was close to the nuclear sort of you know,
misbehavior or done something wrong, was how calm she.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Was, because normally that was it.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
It was sort of like normally, if it's like you
haven't done the dishes, I've told you a million times
or whatever, I don't know, whatever, whatever mums and dads
complain about you haven't made your bed, you're not going
out such and such or But it was when something
really went wrong, she was really calm. And that was
the thing I thought, Oh shivers, i'mon bird. But and
(05:48):
it was the disappointment. It was something about it went
beyond anger.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Was just this is a serious thing.
Speaker 4 (05:56):
I feel very sorry for parents that I have to
use their growley, grumpy voice all the time. You know,
come and get your dinner. Look, I told you kids
to brush your teeth, get to bed. Look you're not
ready for school. And they're getting louder and louder and
to the point that they have to yelled even to
get them to do things that they actually wanted to do.
(06:17):
And the thing is, how effective is it? It becomes
less and less and less effective. In fact, all it
does is that that's just how they'll remember you when you're
did so, just like you know, it's this voice that
would be one that you know is going to be
one that I want them ringing down the halls of
(06:38):
time has when they remember me.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Yeah, Actually, see what I'm thinking of. And I've spoken
to the parents who have had kids, have got, you know,
done a few naughty things, and I for me, look,
it hasn't hasn't happened. And I don't think I'm I'm
fingers crossed, you know. I mean, my kids have got
lots to keep them busy and good friends and all that.
But I can imagine when they're old enough to get
themselves around about town. It would be sneaking out. When
(07:07):
we think that they're in bed and they've come home
from something, and then at midnight they go out or
something and they go out carousing or whatever and you
don't even know they're gone. To me, that would be
something I'd be really that would freak me out as
a patent and I don't know how.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
It handle that.
Speaker 4 (07:23):
Okay, Well, a lot of what we're talking about today
is when the wheels fall off, and oh that's the.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Way, and that's expression all afternoon.
Speaker 4 (07:33):
And really, I mean the thing is, let's just keep
things tightened up so of it they don't fall off.
I mean that's easy to say where if you are
in that state where things are a problem at the moment,
but there's so much that you can do beforehand. And
it's what you do before these situations occur that make
the difference, I reckon, and also what you do after.
(07:55):
And just a couple of things about you know, when
your kids do do something that really really crosses the line. Is,
first of all, don't try and lecture and argue at
that time, argue, especially if they're angry. Arguing if an
angry teenager is like arguing if a drunk it doesn't
achieve anything and they enjoy it too much, and you know,
(08:16):
just say, we'll be talking about this tomorrow. And that
you're talking about being a safe haven before. And I
was just thinking about how the advice that I've given
that you can tell your kids, hey, you can always
call me up and doesn't matter what state you in
or where you are, I'll come and pick you up.
I'll get you know, and there'll be no questions asked
at that time. There'll be questions the following day. Just
(08:39):
let them know that.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Actually, the thing is, if you've done a good job
as a parent. In a way, sometimes I have a
suspicion that if you really have done the job and
they've done something wrong, you know, you can spend a
lot of time spelling out the rules to your kids,
but when the nuclear options happened, it's almost like you
don't even need to say anything. Sometimes I wonder if
those are some of the briefest conversations a parent could have.
Speaker 4 (09:00):
Yeah, just hop in the car, let's get your home,
and actually, yeah, the conversation going on in their head
that'll be spinning around will be probably far more effective.
But you see, what we're dealing with, of course, is
these one off things, the types of things that you
know just about any kid even have well brought up
normally good, well behaved kid can can get into a
(09:21):
bit of mischief.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
And everything like that.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
If it's a perpetual problem, if it's every weekend, if
they's coupled up with drugs, if they've gotten some bad
company and stuff like that, then those are really serious problems.
But the things we're talking about here are probably things
that you can actually handle. You can say, well, we'll
get through this.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Kids can have one offs with some pretty bad stuff
as well. If they might not have been the sort
of kids who are going to have a drug problem
or anything of that, but they might have a night
where they're out with some friends and they do and
they do try something stupid.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
That's right, they come home in the back of a
police car. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Well, actually I can't remember, and it's just as well.
I can't remember who it was, but I seem to
remember a.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Friend of mine.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Anyway, I can't remember quaintness offend or whoever it was.
But they actually arranged with they knew that their kid
was getting up to something a little bit fie. It
wasn't actually that bad, but they arranged. I think they
arranged for them to get arrested. Okay, but it wasn't
a real rest. It was sort of through a friend
and the police sort of thing. And they knocked on
(10:24):
the door and said we need to have a chat
about something. And you know, the child didn't know that
this was a bit of a put up job. I
guess that's how far would you go to give you
a kid a fright?
Speaker 4 (10:35):
It's a long time ago now, but I do remember
talking to youth ade officers. You said they'd far rather
give a kid a good fright now and to keep
them on the straight and narrow, And you know, they
don't want to spend their life locking up recidivist youth offenders.
Rather give a kid a really good fright, take them down,
(10:55):
show them the cells, and give them a good talking to.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
And I wish I could remember the story properly, because
I think it did involve it was ending up in
the cells. I think they got I think they did
end up. In fact, it might have been oh no,
it might have even been, look, we've picked up your
child such and such. We've got them down here, do
you want to come and get them? And mum or
dad says, name have you got to sell where you
can put them for the night and let them stay
(11:20):
there and I thought, actually, to be honest, depending what
it was, but that would probably.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Be quite a I don't know I could go there.
I don't know how far I pushed that out, you know.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
I mean, we're talking back, and it's probably in an
earlier area era of policing.
Speaker 4 (11:35):
A freight is different from damage, you know, And I
don't think.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
Stick them in the cells with a bunch of others,
send them to Prema Rema for the night fly me.
Hell yeah, I mean, did you I mean these difficult
topics to talk about, because I mean I haven't. My
kids are not at that phase. I mean the in
fact we've had moments when obviously as any parent, but
they also have a level of privacy that means I'm
(11:59):
not really going to share too much about anything even
if I did. And you're probably in the same bait
you your kids are grown up. But do you remember,
broadly speaking as a general theme, if you had any
of those moments yourself to deal with as apparent.
Speaker 4 (12:15):
Eg look and parental amnesia is a wonderful thing. You
tend to forget a lot of the things that that.
But no, my kids were pretty pretty good, and I
did hear things at their twenty firsts. Really that made
my what my dear little angelic child did what?
Speaker 2 (12:35):
And so that's the wonderful thing.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
You probably won't know some of the things I get
up to.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I think actually, one of my brother I can't, I
won't say what it was, but one of my brothers,
you know, did get up to something quite outrageous. And
it wasn't the sort of thing where we thought it
was bad behavior. It was just, you know, he went
to great lengths to spend time with a girl that
he liked. And Mum and dad didn't know about it
until many, many years, like until he was fifteen.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Yeah, they found out.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
They're like, my mom was like sort of shocked, but
sort of like, wow, you were a plucky little devil. Look,
we'd love your cause on this though, because you know,
it can be you know, it can really rattle parents
when something their child does goes beyond what you imagine
(13:27):
the normal limits of bad behavior. When I say bad
behavior does sort of have a limit, there's sort of
behavior that you know, well, kids do this sort of stuff.
What about when something happens we're like, oh my god,
this is a this is a real worry we'd love
to hear your stories. I'd love you to join the conversation.
I eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. I guess the
question is what is the limit to normal teenage rebellion?
(13:49):
Eight hundred eighty ten eighty. By the way, before actually,
I've got a great story I'll come back with about
someone I know who used to sneak out at night
and the links to which his or her parents went
to to make sure that they didn't. And it is
quite fun anyway. I wait one hundred eighty ten and
eighty text nine to nine two. It is twenty one
(14:12):
past five.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
Give us a call.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
News Talks it B we're talking about. I wish we
could share some of the conversations John and I are having.
But just a little bit, a little bit too rude.
But yeah, what do you do when you're trying to
deal with kids who have gone beyond the pale of just,
you know, normal teenage rebellion?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
How do you cope with that?
Speaker 3 (14:28):
I eight one hundred and eighty ten eighty Uh Fraser, Hello.
Speaker 5 (14:34):
Good afternoon. How are you?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Jim good?
Speaker 5 (14:35):
Good good? I'm just a brief funny about my oldest son,
who I will name A who had a good mate
who I will name BE and a police officer who
I will name C. Okay A A NB are really
good mate. Yeah all right, be a little older than
(14:56):
A by two years, right, college friend got totally out
of hand, complete innocence, but they got out of hand.
Speaker 6 (15:08):
Which involved subs. Yeah, we got we got hold of
the police officers. See after we've heard about what had
happened through the school and and of police officers came
to visit with the Crimes at book.
Speaker 7 (15:25):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (15:26):
So when I saw peace officers c standing at the
ranch lader at home that particular afternoon, his face and
his chin just the floor right right, So it cut
along story short. Police officers see board in the Crimes
Act book and got a to read a segment of
(15:48):
what had got out of control. It never ever had
any more troubles with him, not even not even with me.
In fact, that both of them pulled their heads in
quite considerably. After we shared with the parents of the
of the child.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Be was it was also said that such an offense
will be punishable by seven years imprisonment or such and such.
Speaker 5 (16:10):
Yeah, it was a completely innocent at in a classroom. Yeah,
it got out of control?
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Were you Was it something that you were shocked by?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Well, obviously you got you've got police officers involved.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
Yeah, yeah, but it was it was it was it
was to shock a and just thinking about what he's doing. Yeah,
also to shock the as well. We are very good,
very good friends with the whole child be as well
with his parents, right right. And it was just one
of those situations where it went from completely nscent so
(16:49):
a little bit out of control?
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Is that because you could imagine how it could have
happened as well, You had empathy for how one child's
behavior magnifies another and they sort of ends up escalating
until hang on, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Stop.
Speaker 5 (17:03):
Yeah, it's because we was older than a right.
Speaker 7 (17:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (17:09):
I thought it was going to be a really good
treat today.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Oh no, And I'm guessing it was pretty bad considering
you're not sharing us with what it is, which is probably.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
That's when that's when the law is useful. When the
law is the deterrent, when the law is there to
to actually push back people back into the straight line.
It's a very clumsy, awful thing when people actually get
you know, crash into it and and end up in
the legal system. But if it's if it's establishing a
boundary and it's got a bit of teeth to it,
(17:42):
so it's a bit of a dis instead of that,
that's great.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Actually, that's the sort of thing I was trying to
think of. It's like when you sort of call the
police on your child, but it's really just for them
to pay a visit, and you know, even just seeing
the person in uniform at the door, that job done.
Speaker 5 (18:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Unfortunately, a couple of principles have told me that their
kids have got they've had kids get in trouble at
school and the parents turn up at the school with
their lawyers and to insulate their child from the behavior, no,
insulate their child from the consequences behavior. Yeah, and so uh,
(18:26):
and I just think that they're just storing up a
huge pile of trouble. Of course, you don't what your
kids getting into desperate trouble with the law, but very
often it's at that this entry level that we're talking about,
the law can do such a.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Lot of good.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Did you arrange that on your own phraser or did
was it done or did you have a conversation with
your parents, with your with your wife about it as well.
Speaker 5 (18:48):
Yeah, yeah, so we we talked about it on the
way home, and the boys obviously got home before we
did work, and we decided that the community constable could
come and have a little.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Hey by the way, on a scalar one to ten,
knowing my sensibility is if you've listened to me.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
But how bad was it? Scaler one to ten?
Speaker 5 (19:12):
What?
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Okay, okay, good, okay, well that's good. I thought you
were going to say eight or nine.
Speaker 5 (19:19):
It was just a prank that got right out of control.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Yeah okay, oh well, good, good job.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I mean, as you say, you know that did the job. Hey,
I appreciate the call praise.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
I'll just click off there because you sound like you're
somewhere where it's either raising raining cats and dogs or something, or.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
It sounded like he was riding a horse.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
A little bit.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah, eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. Let's have a
look at somebody says on the on the budget, sorry,
on the behavior thing.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I think I.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Matured by just being thrown into something like a split
relationship where you have no no, I can't come make
sense of that text.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Actually sorry, i'd have to.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
I'll preview that one before I read it that let's
go to Jason.
Speaker 7 (20:02):
Hello, yeah, good note, how are we good?
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Thing?
Speaker 7 (20:06):
Nice? I was just heard about the you're saying how
the uniform can just scare you know, just having the
police turn up is enough to put you in your
place sometimes.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
Well, yeah, a little bit of a wake up for
some kings, depending on what the attitude to the police
has been, and especially what the parents' attitude to the
police has been.
Speaker 7 (20:26):
True good point. Yeah, a whole different story. That did
happen to me and my family group conference after things,
and walked in one morning and there was the pastor
of the church and the policeman and the parents sitting
in around waiting for me.
Speaker 5 (20:41):
Oh, and that was a wake up.
Speaker 7 (20:44):
That was definitely wake up cool. And it turned out
that the father had stayed home from church one day
and snuck back in the window of the bedroom and
was watching me and a friend in the in the lounge,
and we were, yeah, cursing Jesus and listening to Marilyn
Manson and all that stuff from the good old Christian family.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Your crime was listening to the wrong sort of music
and and speaking.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Fanely pretty much.
Speaker 7 (21:13):
It's pretty right.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Okay, that doesn't sound that so doesn't sound like something
you should get the get the family.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Group conference going. Wow, that's that's a big one.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
I can't imagine the policeman is sitting there saying, what
am I doing here?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Again?
Speaker 7 (21:28):
For there was a little bit more. There was a
little bit more as well. Probably one would have wanted that.
I guess, yeah, did it, but did it? But what
I was was going to say was when I was
younger at primary school, I had a bully who kept
beating me up and nothing was happening about it. And
(21:48):
my older brother was in the ATC the Air Force
training cadets, and he was a protective big brother, was lovely,
and so one afternoon he put on his Air Force
uniform which is blue and white and greatcoats and ranks
and it looks quite a fit, sure, like a police
type thing. And Yeah, went round to the bully's face,
(22:09):
knocked on the door and had a word to the file.
I had a word to the sun, and there was
no more trouble afterwards. It was amazing.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Well that well that worked.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
I was a bit nervous where that story was going.
Speaker 7 (22:23):
It was totally it wasn't It wasn't reroally, he wasn't
rare at all. He just turned up there nicely and
was just like, this is not cool. This is happening
to my brother, and.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
These things worked. It just constantly reminds me that there's
lots and lots of right ways to bring up a kid,
and so you know that that might not be the
recipe I would have used in those situations, but it
sounds like it's worked and you've turned out Okay.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, yeah, you still listening to Marilyn Manson and using
bad language from time.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
To time.
Speaker 7 (22:57):
From time to time, but another day.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
There's probably just one extra little fact missing from that
whole thing, but we get the vibe.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Thanks Jason. He just like, actually, that is an interesting technique.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
If you bring in it's like bringing in a trusted
sort of out. I mean, you know, I don't know
whether there was a complete overreaction from.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
An external, but they're bringing the external that would be.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
The problem, is that person or not.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Not.
Speaker 4 (23:30):
Many of us live in communities now where there is
someone that you consider an older an authority figure or
something like that, Like you could you bring in the
mayor probably.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Bringing to Wayne Brown tell us what his boys went
up to Oh, that sounds like fun.
Speaker 4 (23:45):
But I can tell you what if your kids got
told off by their rugby coach, if your kids got
told off by their scout leader, the kids got told
off by a teacher. Probably sometimes those things were weigh
more heavily on them than possibly words from yourself. I mean,
I know one family the kid was refused to go
to school, and the rang up the school. The principal
(24:06):
field of the call, and he says, I'll be up
there in a minute. And then the next minute the
door knocking, and there's the principal standing at the door
and walk the kid to school. And so sometimes involving
an external authority of things, if you're wheel spinning on
getting good behavior from your kids, sometimes just borrowing a
bit of extra authority.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
It's not about reading them the right act either. It's
literally it's about yeah, it's I would imagine if I
ever enlisted the help of a trusted and in an
adult connected with the family, it would be to have
I mean, the part of the conversation is like, would
I imagine they'd probably said, do you know why your
mum and dad have got me to come and have
a chat with you, yeah, and I would say from
(24:45):
then on, the job would be just about me done.
Speaker 4 (24:47):
Can I just say, what isn't effective? And that is
your anger. If you do your disciplining while you're angry,
it probably isn't discipline at all. It's probably just revenge.
They've made you feel upset or you know, and so
you're going to make them feel upset. And so it's
so much better just to you know, let yourself cool
down before and think a little bit before you respond
(25:08):
to these situations without blowing up. You know, you might
think they've done something that really really warrants a new
thermonuclear response. But you know, sometimes just letting it cool down,
you can say, hey, I was as mad as heck,
I'm not mad now, but I've still got your I've
still got your phone to the end of the month
or something. A consequence or something like that, applied coolly
(25:31):
when you can talk together is so much better than
just yelling at them.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Now, let's I'm trying to tell this other story of
someone I know who.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Well, I we'll just tell it briefly.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
And she used to sneak out at night to to
I'm not sure whether she was carousing or whatever. But
her parents, as well as telling her that they didn't
want to alarm to the windows, put an alarm on
her window such she couldn't sneak out without.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Being at.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
I mean, you know, search if you think going to
be some recidivism there that As a parent, I don't
know what i'd do.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Oh well, Actually, it.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
Depends a lot on the age and the maturity of
the child. If you're actually doing something that's really going
to be you know, if you've got a child who
isn't able to moderate their own behavior so that they
stay safe, then I think parents are justified in going
that little bit extra to keep them safe.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
I think if I had a.
Speaker 3 (26:25):
Child who was, say, of an age where she was
old enough to have an amorous relationship, but not really
old enough to have an amorous relationship, was wanted to
sneak out, I think I'd be tempted to put some
sort of security alert thing which might go paying on
my phone when when a certain door was open.
Speaker 5 (26:39):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
I don't know. One of the things that that parents
often anguish over is how much snooping should I do
on my kid's behavior? Should I drop one of those
tracking devices and that's a big bag. Should I, you know,
should I get one of those apps that let me
listening on their phones? You know I do. And there
are all sorts of snoop all that and apps and things.
(27:01):
And I think that it's one of the things that
you that your child definitely desperately wants is to be
trusted and loved by parents. They may not be, they
might probably be rotten expressing it. And how much trust
will you feel and loved will you feel to youwards
your boss if he was tracking your behavior and listening
(27:23):
in on your calls.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
Well, he's listing on the calls all the time.
Speaker 4 (27:27):
This is a dumb context to try and use cameras
in this studio, microphones are on Actually a text.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I'm just getting a text from him now. Actually I
just have to say, look, we'll take the break then
come to Ellen.
Speaker 3 (27:42):
But I just have to say I did have a
caller once who was talking about the state snooping on
people and stuff, and it was on talk at radio,
and he says, and he said to me, he said
Tim and he said it quite seriously. He goes, For
all we know, now there could be people listening to
this call right now. And I said, I'm bloody well hope.
So that's how we get our ratings.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Anyway.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
Hey, look, we'll be back with Ellen and just to
tech newstalks. He'd be news talk, said, be with beverage,
talking about the times when your parents your kids went
beyond the pale and maybe the behavior was not just
the usual act of teenage rebellion.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
How did you cope with it? Ellen?
Speaker 8 (28:16):
Hello, Hello, I've got a slightly different police story. It
was just after midnight and my bedroom light went on
and there was my son, aged thirteen, standing fully dressed
saying Mum, I'm in trouble with the police. And I
was a bit of a shock to be woken up
suddenly and seeing him dressed. And then he said there's
(28:39):
a policeman in the lounge to see you. So I said,
I'll be rich.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
So that waked you up pretty quickly, I.
Speaker 8 (28:44):
Did, so I grabbed my dressing gown and was following
down the hall and he went into the lounge and
I heard him say, my mum is coming, and the
policeman said what about your dad? And my son said,
my dad's on duty and he said, what do you
mean on duty? And as I arrived in the room.
He told the policeman who his father was, who happened
(29:07):
to be the policeman's boss, and the cop put his
hands over his head and said to me, I didn't
know who he was. I said, it doesn't matter who
he was. What on earth has he done wrong? And
he's saying nothing, And he was very polite, and he
was sort of backpedaling a bit. Well. Apparently my son
and some of his friends had decided big adventure to
(29:30):
meet at the top of the road. I'm not sure
what they intended to do then. I think it was
pretty innocent. It was just meeting at the top of
the road. And that night, before the police went on duty,
my husband had said to them there were a lot
of children sort of wandering around the streets at nighttime.
If you see them, stop them and ask them what
(29:52):
they're up to, and do their parents know what they're doing. So,
while my son was standing at the top of the
street and about three of his friends had arrived, came
around the corner and his friends dived behind some bushes.
But because he was brought up with police cars, he
just stood there and the car stopped. The police policeman
(30:15):
asked him what he was doing, and he said he
was waiting for his friends. And then he said, did
your parents know you're hair?
Speaker 5 (30:23):
No?
Speaker 8 (30:24):
Did you climb out the window? No, I came out
the ranch slider, he said, very politely. So they said, well,
hop in the car, we'll take you home. And some
thought he'd be dropped off at the door, slipping through
the ranch slider and that would be the end of it.
But the cops couldn't have been too busy because they
decided to tell the parents.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
What happened when found out.
Speaker 8 (30:46):
Oh, well, the policeman as he was leaving, he was
sort of backing out on out the ranch slider, and
then he stopped and he said, who's telling the boss?
Me or you? And I said, oh, look, it's easier
if you tell him. And about oh, only about two
minutes later that the telephone went and it was my
husband and I said, gosh, that was quick, and he said, well,
(31:10):
I just had a message, please ring home.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Oh so you had to explain.
Speaker 4 (31:18):
Well, good on the police Moper. Actually, even if he
had known that it was the Voss's son.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
I thought we lost the call there. I think in
the middle of that. I'm sorry I hope that wasn't
me clicking up. I think cool, that is I mean, actually,
ideally it shouldn't. Obviously the superintendent or whatever it was,
the sergeant who was the father probably would have wanted,
you know, you'd want you know, your son. That's quite funny.
Speaker 4 (31:42):
Actually it is funny.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Yeah, he's one. Here a few texts on this in
my formative years. This one says, I once engaged in
some particularly dishonest behavior. When my mother found out, she
told me she could no longer trust me. Upon asking
how I could earn her trust back, my mother calmly replied,
I don't know and left it at that. This left
(32:05):
an enormous impression on me and taught me a valuable lesson.
Trust takes constant work to build and just one lie
to destroy. I currently enjoy a very trusting relationship with
my mother, built over many decades, and it's yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
Could I just say there are ways of telling telling
your kids off which encourage kids to try to build
the trust back. You know, you can say that, you know.
One of the ways of doing that is labeling what
they've done wrong, rather than labeling the child. Saying you're
a thief is so much different from saying that's stealing.
Saying that's a lie is so much different from saying
(32:42):
you're a liar. One's labeling the kid's heart and they're
always a liar, they're always a thief. And the other
way is you can tell a kid off in a
way that lets them know that you believe that they
can do better than this, you know, and you can.
There's actually ways of telling kids off that actually build
their self esteam up when you let them know that
you really do believe that that that they're good kids
(33:07):
and that this is a lapse, and also learn ways
of being able to let them build trust back, trusting
them with shopping, trusting with with bringing the change back
and things like this, and just letting them and you know,
so that they do know, you know, you know, I'm
starting to trust you again, because it's a terrible thing
to think that my mum and dad always think that
I'm a crime, always think that I'm a liar and
(33:28):
can't never be can never be trusted.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
I've got a text from someone who's saying you've got
to be careful about involving the police and something, because
you might you don't want to invert inadvertently throw your
kids into a scenario where the police can't turn a
blind eye if it has been back. And this person
is saying some of the stories, we're basically saying some
of the stories that people are talking about that goes
back sixties, seventies and eighties, but maybe.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
Different these times. It could be I couldn't depending.
Speaker 3 (33:51):
On who you know. I guess that's the thing. Actually
you were talking also, John about the community you know,
as this guy said, listening to Marilyn manson having to
having turning up and having who wasn't amber the past. Yeah,
but on the community thing, there's a good text here
just reminding us about that. In Mari culture, there's the
(34:13):
Rangatane Court which is holding youth accountable on the marai
instead of a judicial system. Now I know and talk
bat people roll their eyes and think it's a different standard,
but basically, yeah, when people are youngsters are held accountable
to in front of their farno and extended community. So
there's that sort of processes carried and the process is
(34:35):
still carried out under the judicial process, but it is yeah,
I mean that is actually very as this person said,
it's carried out on the Maria, and it's very effective.
Speaker 4 (34:42):
I hope it's still the same. But I talked to
Judge Beecroft when he was the Youth Court judge, and
he was saying that kids that come into contact with
the youth justice system overwhelmingly do not re offend. The
huge number of crimes that done by recidivists, by kids
that nobody really knows how to sort out, but most
(35:02):
kids get a fright and the youth justice system does
tend to knock them back into off the you know,
ninety five percent I think was the figure he said,
But those five percent that are repeat and troublesome and
recidivous kids. And I said, well what works with them?
And he wasn't sure either.
Speaker 3 (35:22):
Well, we have to wrap it up there, John, and
after and and once we go to the break, you're
going to tell me about that.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
I'm going to tell you things.
Speaker 4 (35:29):
I'm going to tell you about the Defenders squad coming
to our place.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (35:34):
Anyway, Hey, thanks so much, John, great to catch up
with you. We'll be back in just a moment to
wrap sport with Superman. Christopher Reeve is with us. We've
got lots going on. We've had the f one in China,
Newcastle Jets versus Walking FC, some rugby games to talk about.
We're doing that in just a moment. It's twelve minutes
to six.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk Said Be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talks.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Be the second and welcome back.
Speaker 3 (00:34):
This is the Weekend Collective or welcome in if you've
just joined us, as is the Parents Squad. We want
your calls eighty text nine nine two. And what we're
going to talk about, Well, it's about kids pushing the limits. Okay,
So look, they all kids push the limits. It's what
they do. But you know, in the earlier on the
toddler years, it's just part of them finding out what's
(00:56):
okay and what's not they developmentally, it's what kids do
to figure out just how far they can push things
before parents decide right it's time to draw a line
or just pushing back gently. But what about the times
where behavior is what you never would have imagined as
(01:16):
a parent and you never would have imagined doing it
yourself as a child. Now, look, everyone's got their different
standards as to what amounts to outrageous behavior. And there's
a difference between your teenager staying up a few hours
too late on their phone and sneaking out the window
after midnight as soon as you've gone to sleep, which
would be one of those things I think I would
completely Oh my flip my lid. I don't know if
(01:39):
that's the way I'd put it, But what do you
do when there's that line crust? You know, you deal
with the tantrums, you deal with the teenage angst or whatever,
But what happens when they actually do that thing you
thought like and you if you're you know, you're with
your partner or and you say, I can't believe that
this is what they've done and.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
You just can't believe it.
Speaker 3 (02:00):
What do you do with kids who know the rules
but then blatantly or something that you have seen as
a red line. So they're not just pushing the limits,
but maybe they're even putting themselves in danger because there
is also that tension between your outrage and your kids
not knowing sorry, your kids knowing that no matter what
(02:22):
they've done, that you are still safe harbor. Because the
last thing you want to do is have your kids
do something terrible and realize and think to themselves, I've
broken the big rule. I'm now in deep trouble, But
I can't call mom and dad because I'll be in
big trouble. You need to know them to know you're
still safe harbor. So we want to know what you
think eight hundred eighty ten eighty text nine two nine two.
(02:44):
What outrageous behavior did you when you were someone's kid
indulge in? Or what outrageous behavior did your kids indulge in?
Speaker 2 (02:54):
And how did you sort it out?
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Eight hundred and eighty ten eighty And also how far
would you go, you know, to get the message through
to your kids of what is and isn't okay? And
regardless of that that they can still get in touch
when they need to. Sounds like a bit of a
halfway house, doesn't it anyway to discuss that? Look, he's
the trusted voice in parenting. He is a parenting expert.
(03:18):
John Cowny's with us for the Parents Squad.
Speaker 4 (03:20):
John, just listening to that introduction, I think I'm just
heading for the door. It's very hard, but I thought,
but I can't wait to hear people's stories about what
the trouble they got into and how they got sorted.
Speaker 3 (03:30):
Out, because I was trying to think when I was
growing up, I well, I did something as an adult
child which I thought was pretty bad, and I surprised
how how understanding my mom was actually, But I was
always generally a rule follower. I never really broke the rules,
whereas I'm not sure I could speak that say the
same from a brother's but they wouldn't thank me for
(03:52):
spilling their secrets.
Speaker 4 (03:54):
You're going to have to do by a copy of
my autobiography, the one that's going to be released posthumously,
to find out.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
What I got up to.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
But yeah, I mean, did you did you do something
as a kid where you thought, I really you know,
you knew that it was absolutely beyond the pale.
Speaker 4 (04:10):
Oh absolutely. And the thing is, because of the relationship
my parents had with me, they didn't have to wind
up their anger to you know, ten on the dial.
It was more sort of their sense of disappointment and
everything like that, which made me just actually want to
die inside. But knowing, and that's the thing, what is
(04:33):
the goal of your responding to your kids when they
do this? And by the way, if your kids have
thrown up some outlandish behavior, something which is absolutely gobs
back to anything, how could my child do that? Welcome
to the club. Probably a rich child, well, even very
well brought up children well occasionally have a lapse, a
slip and everything like this, And you just got to
(04:54):
remember your goal, your goal is that you don't want
them to do it again, that you want and also
you wanted to keep the relationship good.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
Well, it's funny. I was just thinking as you were
saying that, I whether it was for me.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
It was something I did once, but normally, you know,
Mum would Mum.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Was the disciplinarian.
Speaker 3 (05:12):
But I remember once there was something that had happened,
and she was actually the thing that made me realize
that it was close to the nuclear sort of you know,
misbehavior or done something wrong, was how calm she.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
Was, because normally that was it.
Speaker 3 (05:28):
It was sort of like normally, if it's like you
haven't done the dishes, I've told you a million times
or whatever, I don't know, whatever, whatever mums and dads
complain about you haven't made your bed, you're not going
out such and such or But it was when something
really went wrong, she was really calm. And that was
the thing I thought, Oh shivers, i'mon bird. But and
(05:48):
it was the disappointment. It was something about it went
beyond anger.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Was just this is a serious thing.
Speaker 4 (05:56):
I feel very sorry for parents that I have to
use their growley, grumpy voice all the time. You know,
come and get your dinner. Look, I told you kids
to brush your teeth, get to bed. Look you're not
ready for school. And they're getting louder and louder and
to the point that they have to yelled even to
get them to do things that they actually wanted to do.
(06:17):
And the thing is, how effective is it? It becomes
less and less and less effective. In fact, all it
does is that that's just how they'll remember you when you're
did so, just like you know, it's this voice that
would be one that you know is going to be
one that I want them ringing down the halls of
(06:38):
time has when they remember me.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Yeah, Actually, see what I'm thinking of. And I've spoken
to the parents who have had kids, have got, you know,
done a few naughty things, and I for me, look,
it hasn't hasn't happened. And I don't think I'm I'm
fingers crossed, you know. I mean, my kids have got
lots to keep them busy and good friends and all that.
But I can imagine when they're old enough to get
themselves around about town. It would be sneaking out. When
(07:07):
we think that they're in bed and they've come home
from something, and then at midnight they go out or
something and they go out carousing or whatever and you
don't even know they're gone. To me, that would be
something I'd be really that would freak me out as
a patent and I don't know how.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
It handle that.
Speaker 4 (07:23):
Okay, Well, a lot of what we're talking about today
is when the wheels fall off, and oh that's the.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Way, and that's expression all afternoon.
Speaker 4 (07:33):
And really, I mean the thing is, let's just keep
things tightened up so of it they don't fall off.
I mean that's easy to say where if you are
in that state where things are a problem at the moment,
but there's so much that you can do beforehand. And
it's what you do before these situations occur that make
the difference, I reckon, and also what you do after.
(07:55):
And just a couple of things about you know, when
your kids do do something that really really crosses the line. Is,
first of all, don't try and lecture and argue at
that time, argue, especially if they're angry. Arguing if an
angry teenager is like arguing if a drunk it doesn't
achieve anything and they enjoy it too much, and you know,
(08:16):
just say, we'll be talking about this tomorrow. And that
you're talking about being a safe haven before. And I
was just thinking about how the advice that I've given
that you can tell your kids, hey, you can always
call me up and doesn't matter what state you in
or where you are, I'll come and pick you up.
I'll get you know, and there'll be no questions asked
at that time. There'll be questions the following day. Just
(08:39):
let them know that.
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Actually, the thing is, if you've done a good job
as a parent. In a way, sometimes I have a
suspicion that if you really have done the job and
they've done something wrong, you know, you can spend a
lot of time spelling out the rules to your kids,
but when the nuclear options happened, it's almost like you
don't even need to say anything. Sometimes I wonder if
those are some of the briefest conversations a parent could have.
Speaker 4 (09:00):
Yeah, just hop in the car, let's get your home,
and actually, yeah, the conversation going on in their head
that'll be spinning around will be probably far more effective.
But you see, what we're dealing with, of course, is
these one off things, the types of things that you
know just about any kid even have well brought up
normally good, well behaved kid can can get into a
(09:21):
bit of mischief.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
And everything like that.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
If it's a perpetual problem, if it's every weekend, if
they's coupled up with drugs, if they've gotten some bad
company and stuff like that, then those are really serious problems.
But the things we're talking about here are probably things
that you can actually handle. You can say, well, we'll
get through this.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
Kids can have one offs with some pretty bad stuff
as well. If they might not have been the sort
of kids who are going to have a drug problem
or anything of that, but they might have a night
where they're out with some friends and they do and
they do try something stupid.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
That's right, they come home in the back of a
police car. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
Well, actually I can't remember, and it's just as well.
I can't remember who it was, but I seem to
remember a.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Friend of mine.
Speaker 3 (10:03):
Anyway, I can't remember quaintness offend or whoever it was.
But they actually arranged with they knew that their kid
was getting up to something a little bit fie. It
wasn't actually that bad, but they arranged. I think they
arranged for them to get arrested. Okay, but it wasn't
a real rest. It was sort of through a friend
and the police sort of thing. And they knocked on
(10:24):
the door and said we need to have a chat
about something. And you know, the child didn't know that
this was a bit of a put up job. I
guess that's how far would you go to give you
a kid a fright?
Speaker 4 (10:35):
It's a long time ago now, but I do remember
talking to youth ade officers. You said they'd far rather
give a kid a good fright now and to keep
them on the straight and narrow, And you know, they
don't want to spend their life locking up recidivist youth offenders.
Rather give a kid a really good fright, take them down,
(10:55):
show them the cells, and give them a good talking to.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
And I wish I could remember the story properly, because
I think it did involve it was ending up in
the cells. I think they got I think they did
end up. In fact, it might have been oh no,
it might have even been, look, we've picked up your
child such and such. We've got them down here, do
you want to come and get them? And mum or
dad says, name have you got to sell where you
can put them for the night and let them stay
(11:20):
there and I thought, actually, to be honest, depending what
it was, but that would probably.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Be quite a I don't know I could go there.
I don't know how far I pushed that out, you know.
Speaker 3 (11:30):
I mean, we're talking back, and it's probably in an
earlier area era of policing.
Speaker 4 (11:35):
A freight is different from damage, you know, And I
don't think.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
Stick them in the cells with a bunch of others,
send them to Prema Rema for the night fly me.
Hell yeah, I mean, did you I mean these difficult
topics to talk about, because I mean I haven't. My
kids are not at that phase. I mean the in
fact we've had moments when obviously as any parent, but
they also have a level of privacy that means I'm
(11:59):
not really going to share too much about anything even
if I did. And you're probably in the same bait
you your kids are grown up. But do you remember,
broadly speaking as a general theme, if you had any
of those moments yourself to deal with as apparent.
Speaker 4 (12:15):
Eg look and parental amnesia is a wonderful thing. You
tend to forget a lot of the things that that.
But no, my kids were pretty pretty good, and I
did hear things at their twenty firsts. Really that made
my what my dear little angelic child did what?
Speaker 2 (12:35):
And so that's the wonderful thing.
Speaker 4 (12:37):
You probably won't know some of the things I get
up to.
Speaker 3 (12:41):
I think actually, one of my brother I can't, I
won't say what it was, but one of my brothers,
you know, did get up to something quite outrageous. And
it wasn't the sort of thing where we thought it
was bad behavior. It was just, you know, he went
to great lengths to spend time with a girl that
he liked. And Mum and dad didn't know about it
until many, many years, like until he was fifteen.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Yeah, they found out.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
They're like, my mom was like sort of shocked, but
sort of like, wow, you were a plucky little devil. Look,
we'd love your cause on this though, because you know,
it can be you know, it can really rattle parents
when something their child does goes beyond what you imagine
(13:27):
the normal limits of bad behavior. When I say bad
behavior does sort of have a limit, there's sort of
behavior that you know, well, kids do this sort of stuff.
What about when something happens we're like, oh my god,
this is a this is a real worry we'd love
to hear your stories. I'd love you to join the conversation.
I eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. I guess the
question is what is the limit to normal teenage rebellion?
(13:49):
Eight hundred eighty ten eighty. By the way, before actually,
I've got a great story I'll come back with about
someone I know who used to sneak out at night
and the links to which his or her parents went
to to make sure that they didn't. And it is
quite fun anyway. I wait one hundred eighty ten and
eighty text nine to nine two. It is twenty one
(14:12):
past five.
Speaker 4 (14:12):
Give us a call.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
News Talks it B we're talking about. I wish we
could share some of the conversations John and I are having.
But just a little bit, a little bit too rude.
But yeah, what do you do when you're trying to
deal with kids who have gone beyond the pale of just,
you know, normal teenage rebellion?
Speaker 2 (14:27):
How do you cope with that?
Speaker 3 (14:28):
I eight one hundred and eighty ten eighty Uh Fraser, Hello.
Speaker 5 (14:34):
Good afternoon. How are you?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Jim good?
Speaker 5 (14:35):
Good good? I'm just a brief funny about my oldest son,
who I will name A who had a good mate
who I will name BE and a police officer who
I will name C. Okay A A NB are really
good mate. Yeah all right, be a little older than
(14:56):
A by two years, right, college friend got totally out
of hand, complete innocence, but they got out of hand.
Speaker 6 (15:08):
Which involved subs. Yeah, we got we got hold of
the police officers. See after we've heard about what had
happened through the school and and of police officers came
to visit with the Crimes at book.
Speaker 7 (15:25):
Ye.
Speaker 5 (15:26):
So when I saw peace officers c standing at the
ranch lader at home that particular afternoon, his face and
his chin just the floor right right, So it cut
along story short. Police officers see board in the Crimes
Act book and got a to read a segment of
(15:48):
what had got out of control. It never ever had
any more troubles with him, not even not even with me.
In fact, that both of them pulled their heads in
quite considerably. After we shared with the parents of the
of the child.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Be was it was also said that such an offense
will be punishable by seven years imprisonment or such and such.
Speaker 5 (16:10):
Yeah, it was a completely innocent at in a classroom. Yeah,
it got out of control?
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Were you Was it something that you were shocked by?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Well, obviously you got you've got police officers involved.
Speaker 5 (16:24):
Yeah, yeah, but it was it was it was it
was to shock a and just thinking about what he's doing. Yeah,
also to shock the as well. We are very good,
very good friends with the whole child be as well
with his parents, right right. And it was just one
of those situations where it went from completely nscent so
(16:49):
a little bit out of control?
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Is that because you could imagine how it could have
happened as well, You had empathy for how one child's
behavior magnifies another and they sort of ends up escalating
until hang on, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Stop.
Speaker 5 (17:03):
Yeah, it's because we was older than a right.
Speaker 7 (17:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (17:09):
I thought it was going to be a really good
treat today.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
Oh no, And I'm guessing it was pretty bad considering
you're not sharing us with what it is, which is probably.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
That's when that's when the law is useful. When the
law is the deterrent, when the law is there to
to actually push back people back into the straight line.
It's a very clumsy, awful thing when people actually get
you know, crash into it and and end up in
the legal system. But if it's if it's establishing a
boundary and it's got a bit of teeth to it,
(17:42):
so it's a bit of a dis instead of that,
that's great.
Speaker 3 (17:46):
Actually, that's the sort of thing I was trying to
think of. It's like when you sort of call the
police on your child, but it's really just for them
to pay a visit, and you know, even just seeing
the person in uniform at the door, that job done.
Speaker 5 (18:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
Unfortunately, a couple of principles have told me that their
kids have got they've had kids get in trouble at
school and the parents turn up at the school with
their lawyers and to insulate their child from the behavior, no,
insulate their child from the consequences behavior. Yeah, and so uh,
(18:26):
and I just think that they're just storing up a
huge pile of trouble. Of course, you don't what your
kids getting into desperate trouble with the law, but very
often it's at that this entry level that we're talking about,
the law can do such a.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Lot of good.
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Did you arrange that on your own phraser or did
was it done or did you have a conversation with
your parents, with your with your wife about it as well.
Speaker 5 (18:48):
Yeah, yeah, so we we talked about it on the
way home, and the boys obviously got home before we
did work, and we decided that the community constable could
come and have a little.
Speaker 3 (19:04):
Hey by the way, on a scalar one to ten,
knowing my sensibility is if you've listened to me.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
But how bad was it? Scaler one to ten?
Speaker 5 (19:12):
What?
Speaker 2 (19:13):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Okay, okay, good, okay, well that's good. I thought you
were going to say eight or nine.
Speaker 5 (19:19):
It was just a prank that got right out of control.
Speaker 3 (19:23):
Yeah okay, oh well, good, good job.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I mean, as you say, you know that did the job. Hey,
I appreciate the call praise.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
I'll just click off there because you sound like you're
somewhere where it's either raising raining cats and dogs or something, or.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
It sounded like he was riding a horse.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
A little bit.
Speaker 3 (19:38):
Yeah, eight hundred and eighty ten eighty. Let's have a
look at somebody says on the on the budget, sorry,
on the behavior thing.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
I think I.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Matured by just being thrown into something like a split
relationship where you have no no, I can't come make
sense of that text.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Actually sorry, i'd have to.
Speaker 3 (19:58):
I'll preview that one before I read it that let's
go to Jason.
Speaker 7 (20:02):
Hello, yeah, good note, how are we good?
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Thing?
Speaker 7 (20:06):
Nice? I was just heard about the you're saying how
the uniform can just scare you know, just having the
police turn up is enough to put you in your
place sometimes.
Speaker 4 (20:16):
Well, yeah, a little bit of a wake up for
some kings, depending on what the attitude to the police
has been, and especially what the parents' attitude to the
police has been.
Speaker 7 (20:26):
True good point. Yeah, a whole different story. That did
happen to me and my family group conference after things,
and walked in one morning and there was the pastor
of the church and the policeman and the parents sitting
in around waiting for me.
Speaker 5 (20:41):
Oh, and that was a wake up.
Speaker 7 (20:44):
That was definitely wake up cool. And it turned out
that the father had stayed home from church one day
and snuck back in the window of the bedroom and
was watching me and a friend in the in the lounge,
and we were, yeah, cursing Jesus and listening to Marilyn
Manson and all that stuff from the good old Christian family.
Speaker 3 (21:08):
Your crime was listening to the wrong sort of music
and and speaking.
Speaker 2 (21:12):
Fanely pretty much.
Speaker 7 (21:13):
It's pretty right.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
Okay, that doesn't sound that so doesn't sound like something
you should get the get the family.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
Group conference going. Wow, that's that's a big one.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
I can't imagine the policeman is sitting there saying, what
am I doing here?
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Again?
Speaker 7 (21:28):
For there was a little bit more. There was a
little bit more as well. Probably one would have wanted that.
I guess, yeah, did it, but did it? But what
I was was going to say was when I was
younger at primary school, I had a bully who kept
beating me up and nothing was happening about it. And
(21:48):
my older brother was in the ATC the Air Force
training cadets, and he was a protective big brother, was lovely,
and so one afternoon he put on his Air Force
uniform which is blue and white and greatcoats and ranks
and it looks quite a fit, sure, like a police
type thing. And Yeah, went round to the bully's face,
(22:09):
knocked on the door and had a word to the file.
I had a word to the sun, and there was
no more trouble afterwards. It was amazing.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
Well that well that worked.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
I was a bit nervous where that story was going.
Speaker 7 (22:23):
It was totally it wasn't It wasn't reroally, he wasn't
rare at all. He just turned up there nicely and
was just like, this is not cool. This is happening
to my brother, and.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
These things worked. It just constantly reminds me that there's
lots and lots of right ways to bring up a kid,
and so you know that that might not be the
recipe I would have used in those situations, but it
sounds like it's worked and you've turned out Okay.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, yeah, you still listening to Marilyn Manson and using
bad language from time.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
To time.
Speaker 7 (22:57):
From time to time, but another day.
Speaker 3 (22:59):
There's probably just one extra little fact missing from that
whole thing, but we get the vibe.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
Thanks Jason. He just like, actually, that is an interesting technique.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
If you bring in it's like bringing in a trusted
sort of out. I mean, you know, I don't know
whether there was a complete overreaction from.
Speaker 4 (23:22):
An external, but they're bringing the external that would be.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
The problem, is that person or not.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Not.
Speaker 4 (23:30):
Many of us live in communities now where there is
someone that you consider an older an authority figure or
something like that, Like you could you bring in the
mayor probably.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Bringing to Wayne Brown tell us what his boys went
up to Oh, that sounds like fun.
Speaker 4 (23:45):
But I can tell you what if your kids got
told off by their rugby coach, if your kids got
told off by their scout leader, the kids got told
off by a teacher. Probably sometimes those things were weigh
more heavily on them than possibly words from yourself. I mean,
I know one family the kid was refused to go
to school, and the rang up the school. The principal
(24:06):
field of the call, and he says, I'll be up
there in a minute. And then the next minute the
door knocking, and there's the principal standing at the door
and walk the kid to school. And so sometimes involving
an external authority of things, if you're wheel spinning on
getting good behavior from your kids, sometimes just borrowing a
bit of extra authority.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
It's not about reading them the right act either. It's
literally it's about yeah, it's I would imagine if I
ever enlisted the help of a trusted and in an
adult connected with the family, it would be to have
I mean, the part of the conversation is like, would
I imagine they'd probably said, do you know why your
mum and dad have got me to come and have
a chat with you, yeah, and I would say from
(24:45):
then on, the job would be just about me done.
Speaker 4 (24:47):
Can I just say, what isn't effective? And that is
your anger. If you do your disciplining while you're angry,
it probably isn't discipline at all. It's probably just revenge.
They've made you feel upset or you know, and so
you're going to make them feel upset. And so it's
so much better just to you know, let yourself cool
down before and think a little bit before you respond
(25:08):
to these situations without blowing up. You know, you might
think they've done something that really really warrants a new
thermonuclear response. But you know, sometimes just letting it cool down,
you can say, hey, I was as mad as heck,
I'm not mad now, but I've still got your I've
still got your phone to the end of the month
or something. A consequence or something like that, applied coolly
(25:31):
when you can talk together is so much better than
just yelling at them.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Now, let's I'm trying to tell this other story of
someone I know who.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Well, I we'll just tell it briefly.
Speaker 3 (25:43):
And she used to sneak out at night to to
I'm not sure whether she was carousing or whatever. But
her parents, as well as telling her that they didn't
want to alarm to the windows, put an alarm on
her window such she couldn't sneak out without.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
Being at.
Speaker 3 (26:03):
I mean, you know, search if you think going to
be some recidivism there that As a parent, I don't
know what i'd do.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Oh well, Actually, it.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
Depends a lot on the age and the maturity of
the child. If you're actually doing something that's really going
to be you know, if you've got a child who
isn't able to moderate their own behavior so that they
stay safe, then I think parents are justified in going
that little bit extra to keep them safe.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
I think if I had a.
Speaker 3 (26:25):
Child who was, say, of an age where she was
old enough to have an amorous relationship, but not really
old enough to have an amorous relationship, was wanted to
sneak out, I think I'd be tempted to put some
sort of security alert thing which might go paying on
my phone when when a certain door was open.
Speaker 5 (26:39):
I don't know.
Speaker 4 (26:39):
I don't know. One of the things that that parents
often anguish over is how much snooping should I do
on my kid's behavior? Should I drop one of those
tracking devices and that's a big bag. Should I, you know,
should I get one of those apps that let me
listening on their phones? You know I do. And there
are all sorts of snoop all that and apps and things.
(27:01):
And I think that it's one of the things that
you that your child definitely desperately wants is to be
trusted and loved by parents. They may not be, they
might probably be rotten expressing it. And how much trust
will you feel and loved will you feel to youwards
your boss if he was tracking your behavior and listening
(27:23):
in on your calls.
Speaker 3 (27:23):
Well, he's listing on the calls all the time.
Speaker 4 (27:27):
This is a dumb context to try and use cameras
in this studio, microphones are on Actually a text.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
I'm just getting a text from him now. Actually I
just have to say, look, we'll take the break then
come to Ellen.
Speaker 3 (27:42):
But I just have to say I did have a
caller once who was talking about the state snooping on
people and stuff, and it was on talk at radio,
and he says, and he said to me, he said
Tim and he said it quite seriously. He goes, For
all we know, now there could be people listening to
this call right now. And I said, I'm bloody well hope.
So that's how we get our ratings.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
Anyway.
Speaker 3 (28:03):
Hey, look, we'll be back with Ellen and just to
tech newstalks. He'd be news talk, said, be with beverage,
talking about the times when your parents your kids went
beyond the pale and maybe the behavior was not just
the usual act of teenage rebellion.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
How did you cope with it? Ellen?
Speaker 8 (28:16):
Hello, Hello, I've got a slightly different police story. It
was just after midnight and my bedroom light went on
and there was my son, aged thirteen, standing fully dressed
saying Mum, I'm in trouble with the police. And I
was a bit of a shock to be woken up
suddenly and seeing him dressed. And then he said there's
(28:39):
a policeman in the lounge to see you. So I said,
I'll be rich.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
So that waked you up pretty quickly, I.
Speaker 8 (28:44):
Did, so I grabbed my dressing gown and was following
down the hall and he went into the lounge and
I heard him say, my mum is coming, and the
policeman said what about your dad? And my son said,
my dad's on duty and he said, what do you
mean on duty? And as I arrived in the room.
He told the policeman who his father was, who happened
(29:07):
to be the policeman's boss, and the cop put his
hands over his head and said to me, I didn't
know who he was. I said, it doesn't matter who
he was. What on earth has he done wrong? And
he's saying nothing, And he was very polite, and he
was sort of backpedaling a bit. Well. Apparently my son
and some of his friends had decided big adventure to
(29:30):
meet at the top of the road. I'm not sure
what they intended to do then. I think it was
pretty innocent. It was just meeting at the top of
the road. And that night, before the police went on duty,
my husband had said to them there were a lot
of children sort of wandering around the streets at nighttime.
If you see them, stop them and ask them what
(29:52):
they're up to, and do their parents know what they're doing. So,
while my son was standing at the top of the
street and about three of his friends had arrived, came
around the corner and his friends dived behind some bushes.
But because he was brought up with police cars, he
just stood there and the car stopped. The police policeman
(30:15):
asked him what he was doing, and he said he
was waiting for his friends. And then he said, did
your parents know you're hair?
Speaker 5 (30:23):
No?
Speaker 8 (30:24):
Did you climb out the window? No, I came out
the ranch slider, he said, very politely. So they said, well,
hop in the car, we'll take you home. And some
thought he'd be dropped off at the door, slipping through
the ranch slider and that would be the end of it.
But the cops couldn't have been too busy because they
decided to tell the parents.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
What happened when found out.
Speaker 8 (30:46):
Oh, well, the policeman as he was leaving, he was
sort of backing out on out the ranch slider, and
then he stopped and he said, who's telling the boss?
Me or you? And I said, oh, look, it's easier
if you tell him. And about oh, only about two
minutes later that the telephone went and it was my
husband and I said, gosh, that was quick, and he said, well,
(31:10):
I just had a message, please ring home.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Oh so you had to explain.
Speaker 4 (31:18):
Well, good on the police Moper. Actually, even if he
had known that it was the Voss's son.
Speaker 3 (31:23):
I thought we lost the call there. I think in
the middle of that. I'm sorry I hope that wasn't
me clicking up. I think cool, that is I mean, actually,
ideally it shouldn't. Obviously the superintendent or whatever it was,
the sergeant who was the father probably would have wanted,
you know, you'd want you know, your son. That's quite funny.
Speaker 4 (31:42):
Actually it is funny.
Speaker 3 (31:43):
Yeah, he's one. Here a few texts on this in
my formative years. This one says, I once engaged in
some particularly dishonest behavior. When my mother found out, she
told me she could no longer trust me. Upon asking
how I could earn her trust back, my mother calmly replied,
I don't know and left it at that. This left
(32:05):
an enormous impression on me and taught me a valuable lesson.
Trust takes constant work to build and just one lie
to destroy. I currently enjoy a very trusting relationship with
my mother, built over many decades, and it's yeah.
Speaker 4 (32:20):
Could I just say there are ways of telling telling
your kids off which encourage kids to try to build
the trust back. You know, you can say that, you know.
One of the ways of doing that is labeling what
they've done wrong, rather than labeling the child. Saying you're
a thief is so much different from saying that's stealing.
Saying that's a lie is so much different from saying
(32:42):
you're a liar. One's labeling the kid's heart and they're
always a liar, they're always a thief. And the other
way is you can tell a kid off in a
way that lets them know that you believe that they
can do better than this, you know, and you can.
There's actually ways of telling kids off that actually build
their self esteam up when you let them know that
you really do believe that that that they're good kids
(33:07):
and that this is a lapse, and also learn ways
of being able to let them build trust back, trusting
them with shopping, trusting with with bringing the change back
and things like this, and just letting them and you know,
so that they do know, you know, you know, I'm
starting to trust you again, because it's a terrible thing
to think that my mum and dad always think that
I'm a crime, always think that I'm a liar and
(33:28):
can't never be can never be trusted.
Speaker 3 (33:31):
I've got a text from someone who's saying you've got
to be careful about involving the police and something, because
you might you don't want to invert inadvertently throw your
kids into a scenario where the police can't turn a
blind eye if it has been back. And this person
is saying some of the stories, we're basically saying some
of the stories that people are talking about that goes
back sixties, seventies and eighties, but maybe.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
Different these times. It could be I couldn't depending.
Speaker 3 (33:51):
On who you know. I guess that's the thing. Actually
you were talking also, John about the community you know,
as this guy said, listening to Marilyn manson having to
having turning up and having who wasn't amber the past. Yeah,
but on the community thing, there's a good text here
just reminding us about that. In Mari culture, there's the
(34:13):
Rangatane Court which is holding youth accountable on the marai
instead of a judicial system. Now I know and talk
bat people roll their eyes and think it's a different standard,
but basically, yeah, when people are youngsters are held accountable
to in front of their farno and extended community. So
there's that sort of processes carried and the process is
(34:35):
still carried out under the judicial process, but it is yeah,
I mean that is actually very as this person said,
it's carried out on the Maria, and it's very effective.
Speaker 4 (34:42):
I hope it's still the same. But I talked to
Judge Beecroft when he was the Youth Court judge, and
he was saying that kids that come into contact with
the youth justice system overwhelmingly do not re offend. The
huge number of crimes that done by recidivists, by kids
that nobody really knows how to sort out, but most
(35:02):
kids get a fright and the youth justice system does
tend to knock them back into off the you know,
ninety five percent I think was the figure he said,
But those five percent that are repeat and troublesome and
recidivous kids. And I said, well what works with them?
And he wasn't sure either.
Speaker 3 (35:22):
Well, we have to wrap it up there, John, and
after and and once we go to the break, you're
going to tell me about that.
Speaker 2 (35:28):
I'm going to tell you things.
Speaker 4 (35:29):
I'm going to tell you about the Defenders squad coming
to our place.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
Oh.
Speaker 3 (35:34):
Anyway, Hey, thanks so much, John, great to catch up
with you. We'll be back in just a moment to
wrap sport with Superman. Christopher Reeve is with us. We've
got lots going on. We've had the f one in China,
Newcastle Jets versus Walking FC, some rugby games to talk about.
We're doing that in just a moment. It's twelve minutes
to six.
Speaker 1 (35:52):
For more from the Weekend Collective, listen live to News
Talk Said Be weekends from three pm, or follow the
podcast on iHeartRadio
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