July 4, 2026 • 36 mins
What happens if my child starts befriending or dating someone I'm really not a fan of. How do I protect them from getting played or getting into a toxic relationship?
When should we interfere with our children's personal lives? When and how do we put our foot-down and say "no, you can't hang out with this person"
How do we do that with respectful authority, that strikes a balance between making sure you're not ruling with an iron fist, and that our kids understand where we're coming from?
Mindworks' Registered Psychologist Sara Chatwin joins Tim Beveridge to unpack what can be done.
LISTEN ABOVE
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk
s B. Yes, welcome back or welcome in the Weekend Collective. Yes,
(00:33):
that's a little bit of Tata because she get married today.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
And look, I'm not a fan.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I mean, I admire her as a person what she's done,
but I'm not big on the Tata music. But we thought,
you know, considering, i'd, you know, just to make up
for my lack of charitability on that one, we'd just
start the final hour with a little bit of Tata,
who is married to what's his name?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
A welcome back to the show. This is the Parent Squad,
and we're going to dig into are I funny enough?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
I actually think I have a few of the answers
here myself, although we've brought someone in who possibly has
even more.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Answers for us.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But we're going to talk about for the parents out there.
You know, your child is getting to the age where
well actually might even be when they're littlies. But what
happens if your child becomes friends with or as they
get older and maybe a little bit more dependent, or
they date someone, are going out with someone who you're
(01:27):
not really a fan of, how do you protect them
from getting into an unhealthy relationship or a toxic relationship.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
And how do you.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Actually also have a think about whether it's just because
they're not your cup of tea, but they may be
your daughter or your son's cup of tea, and they
may be really great for your daughter or son just
because you don't like them. But when do you recognize
when a relationship is toxic?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Because funny thing is, if you think.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Of all first loves or second loves, at some stage,
you know you get well out of kilter as a
care or an adult, don't you. So when should you
step in? And what is the antidote to trying to
involve yourself in your child's life? And you know there
may be a difference between you know, your child's hanging
out with a bunch of kids who are bullies, that's
(02:15):
an easy one. Maybe they're seven or eight or twelve
or thirteen or whatever. Maybe that's an easier card to
play than your sixteen or seventeen year old son or
daughter's got a partner who you think is toxic or
manipulating them or whatever unhealthy? Can you step into that relationship?
Have you stepped into that relationship? Have you ever intervened
(02:36):
in a relationship, and what's the benefit of your experience?
So we'd love to hear from you. But anyway, joining
us to discuss those issues, I'm not sure if I
was gonna mischievously say, you know, ask if she's ever
had a relationship. She looks back on and goes, oh God,
I wish my mum and dad had stepped in on
that one. Anyway, she is a registered psychologist from Mind Works,
and her name is Sarah Chapman, and she's with me now.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Sarah, Hello, Hell, good evening.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
I love Taylor, and good luck with your wedding. I'm
wondering whether mum and dad approve of Travis Kelcey. I
think they probably do, so, Hey, good example, two young
kids getting married.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Not sure if anyone's interfering in Taylor's relationship.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
She's got a grasp on her own destiny for sure.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Because I've almost feel like I'm going to quote Ian
Grant here from The Parenting the founder of the Parenting Place,
that I think the issue for parents when it comes
to interfering in your children's relationship, the answer to that
question needs to be approached years and years beforehand, as
when you are a parent who involves yourself as a
(03:43):
parent in your children's lives, and if you are paying
attention to your children in the early years and spending
time with them and having conversations. Ian's expression, I remember
this is he must have said this twenty or thirty
years ago. He said, he said that you went, you
went the right to speak into their lives and it's
about having related So in a.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Way, I think his view is very topical even today,
but I think there's been a bit of an update
and what and what we say today is if you
can nurture the parent child relationship right from the get go,
then you have the ability at any age and stage
to have to open the pathways of communication. And that
(04:24):
is really important. So you know, when people say, oh.
Speaker 4 (04:27):
Man, I don't seem to be able to get through
to my.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Teenager, I'm always mindful of did you put the work
in from the get go in terms of showing up
as a parent so that you were nurturing that relationship.
So I guess we all learn, and you know, even
from tonight, you look at your kids and if you've
got little's out there, you're going, okay, I need to
keep them close. I need to be able to nurture
(04:51):
that relationship so that in the you know, in the
latter years and the teen years, when things when the
parent's influence minimizes and the peer group becomes really strong,
so that you actually can have those conversations because they
don't need to be negative conversations, They don't need to
be disruptive or chaotic. They can just be robust conversations
(05:13):
about things that you know might be troubling you or
things that you just want to check.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
Out with your kids. And if you've put in the groundwork.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Early on, then you do probably have the ability to
have those conversations at that point.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Because I think I don't really feel I should ask about,
you know, whether you've interfered in your children's friendships or relationships,
because you know they probably.
Speaker 4 (05:34):
You can and I will tell, Okay, I will tell.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Let's on. First up, you ask and I will tell.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
How can you did you ever have in your relationships
where your parents might have expressed some disapproval.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
I can't remember my parents expressing disapproval, but I can
remember that. You know, you date people, and if you
don't find your perfect person, you know, first, second, or
third you probably date people that you, you know, maybe
could have chosen a little better. So I can remember
my parents bearing down on me and being heavy about it,
(06:06):
and I don't believe that I have done that with
any of my children, but I do think, you know,
we have had conversations about, Hey, you know, what do
you think about X?
Speaker 5 (06:17):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:18):
You know what do you think? What's the vibe you get?
Speaker 3 (06:20):
And I'm honest, if I got a bad vibe about
any partner that my kids had, I would probably say,
but I would also.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
It's a way as well, I mean, as opposed to
this guy, ol galas I mean, i'd be I'm a
little worried about you. I'll probably start it from the
point of view because I'm concerned. There's a couple of.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Things, so I wouldn't even start it from that point.
I would say, Hey, how you're going? You know, you're
hanging out with X a lot.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
How's that?
Speaker 5 (06:47):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:48):
What are you guys up to? What are you doing?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
I'd make it very general and then allow them to
bring to you the specifics of the relationship and how
it's working out and how it is affecting them from
their perspective. If there was a point in that conversation
where I could then say, Hey, you know, do you
want my take on it? This is the feeling that
I get. If I felt that it was appropriate, Hey,
(07:10):
I'd go there. But I think leaving it very open
and allowing your children to talk to you and you
listen to them, because there is a.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Big difference between an unhealthy relationship and just the trials
and tribulations of falling in love, like if your son
or your daughter is in a relationship where oh, actually
I did get a caveat from my mom. I actually
my mom was Surprisingly my mom was quite a strong personality,
and she was a fiercely loyal mum, lovely, but she
(07:40):
did once and I've just got to be careful. I
don't say anything where if the person was listening, they go,
they're talking about me.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
But she did. She did actually just warn me.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
To be careful on a relationship because it turned out
that there was In fact, my mom must have had
a superpower because a girl that I was seeing.
Speaker 4 (07:59):
Hey, parents do she had obviously felt.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
She could talk to my mum about her she she
was having, which involved a past boyfriend, where she might
have my mom might have picked up like, I'm not
sure this boy is out of the picture, and my
mom simply said to me, I'd be a little careful
with this.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
One, tim.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
And then I found out that there was a very
good reason for being careful on it. It was a hell
of a tale.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Well, the thing is, I mean, your parents love you,
they want the best for you. And even though your
mother was probably very kind in terms of listening to
this girl and you know her issues, because sometimes there
are parents, they.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Had a girl's talk. I think you and she forgot
to you just talk to my mom because.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
That could have been the case.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
But of course, you know your mom didn't want to
get overly involved, but she just wanted to keep a
little bit of an eye on things. And I think
as a parent, if you're a good parent, if you're responsible,
you do tend to spend a lot of your life
just keeping a little bit of an eye on things
so that you know things work out.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Well.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Let's imagine a scenario, say it's not necessarily about boyfriends
or girlfriends, because we can imagine full on scenarios where
you be like, this is just no good. I mean,
it looks like I've seen the tragic Okay, here's one
we actually we won't. There was a case recently about
and an unfortunately was a homicide that.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Was in the media, but in fact, oh no, that's right.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
It was one of my callers called up and we
were chatting about things, and she mentioned that her family
were affected by a homicide so many years ago. And
it was a beautiful young woman who fell in with
a guy who turned out to be a gang member
now and it ended up with her death.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
It's just so tragic.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And look, okay, that's a hyperbole. But for instance, okay,
you're your daughter or your son's gay it with someone
who's tends towards the criminal side of things.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
What do you do there? I mean, do you do
you step in? Or what?
Speaker 4 (09:52):
Well?
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I mean, but I love him, Dad, I love him.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
You say step in? You know that that evokes it? Well,
that brings up an image of you know, actually, you know,
stepping in and separating, and there might be some physicality
about it. We certainly don't do that. But I do
think that you are able as a parent, as somebody
who has provided guidance and nurturing, nurturing for your children
(10:17):
to actually say, hey, listen, can we just have a
chat about this because I'm aware that there's some criminality
in this person's background or whatever. Hey, let's you know,
let's just be honest about it. Let's talk it through.
I mean, that's not a negative approach to take. If
you just have concerns and you just want to be
honest about them. And if your child is very defensive,
(10:38):
well that might be sending a signal of something untoward
it or you know, if they are able to have
that conversation with you, that's great. But also there can
be people who do things in their youth and are
part of you know, things in the youth, and then
they you know, are rehabilitated. They are a really positive
part of society and our community. So we don't want
(10:59):
to be too judged medically.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Situation, you know, want to turn your turn your your
son or daughter into a star crossed lovers you know,
everyone's against some Romeo and Juliet where which.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
That doesn't end too well. By the way, spoiler alert.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
For anyone who's think you're going to see a Shakespeare God,
there'd be funny, isn't it. Just somebody going I didn't
realize it was so tragic at the ends. Well, got
some lovely, lovely stuff in the interim, but that is
because you don't want to if I almost wonder whether
most of the time you have to let things play out.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Oh, I think if you have really serious concerns for safety,
you are obviously going to have to have a conversation
at some point.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
I think that's just a no brainer.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
But I think that sometimes you can you can push
your point of view, and that can almost make your
child want to do what you don't want them to
do and things, and the research suggests that you know,
you know that there can be that kind of a
double edged sword because you are well meaning. But these
(12:05):
conversations can often have relationship or relational uncertainty between parent
and child because you know, everybody's walking around on ten
to hooks or walking around on each shells because they're
not quite sure what the other one's a gender is.
You don't want to be a parent who says, you know,
it's my way or the highway, and this is the
person you should have because as parents we don't know
(12:26):
that for certain, but you also want to have their
safety at the forefront.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yeah, we'd love your course on this, by the way,
I eight hundred eighty ten eighty. We might actually got
Jimmy there. We might just quickly take the break and
we'll come back with him in just a moment. I
eight hundred and eighty ten eighty is it? When is
it okay to interfere in your children's friendships or relationships?
And how would you go about it if that was
(12:52):
the case, because we all know the case of every teenager.
If you can remember back, there was a time when
you thought that no one had ever felt like you feel.
It's like, no, mum, you don't understand.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I really love her.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
It's like I do understand, and that feeling, No, you
don't understand, Mum, I really you don't understan you don't
get it. And every teenager has been there, So can
you actually intervene eight hundred eighty ten eighty. It's nineteen
and a half past five news Talk said be with
Tim Beveridge and Sarah Chapman as my guest. Anyway, talking
about can you interfere with your children's friendships or relationships?
(13:25):
And have you ever done it successfully or otherwise? Jimmy Hello, Hello,
Hey Jimmy, Hi, how.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
Are you hy? Good? Here?
Speaker 4 (13:35):
You got very well?
Speaker 2 (13:37):
What's what's up.
Speaker 5 (13:38):
Woll me bloody daughter brought home this bloody forty year old.
She's eighteen. I'm not not happy.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Oh, well, is this just there's just currently you've got
an issue with it. Yeah, so your eighteen year old
daughter brought home a forty year old bloke.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Yeah, oh, would be a little confronting you. That's probably
not what you expected, right, Jimmy, he's choiced on my age.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
The actually would a bit different. That's a twenty two
year old year gap. But she's eighteen. If she was,
I mean if she was thirty and he was fifty two,
would that be less serious because there are plenty of
relationships that work like that.
Speaker 5 (14:18):
That is true, that's right.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Okay, So you just think eighteen's too a bit young?
What are you thinking of doing?
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Did you say anything? Did you go that was a surprise?
Speaker 5 (14:30):
Well, he's bloody loaded and that's why she's with him
and I see her.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
But fuck okay right, Unfortunately you can't. I'll have to
take you off air there, sorry, mate, because you can't
say that. You can't say that word on air.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I think I think I'd hang on a second. I
just I did to make sure I did push that
button didn't. I sorry, Yeah, Jimmy used a naughty word there,
which we can't really allow. I think I dumped it
in time. But if it didn't, if it does ge
out to air, I'm sure you can all reach for
the smelling salts and recovery.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
Jimmy was quite clearly confronted by the age gap between
his daughter and her new boyfriend, and then, to make
matters worth worse, he believes that it's based on what
the boyfriend is bringing to the table in terms of cash.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
So she's brought her an older, rich boyfriend. Yeah, I mean,
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
Deep well, I don't know whether we don't know enough
about the guy home at eighteen with a forty year old.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
I don't know whether you'd be happy with that.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
No, No, I don't know how i'd handle that, though.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
I think we all think that at eighteen you have
so much more of life to live, and somebody at
forty has lived a lot of life. So I don't
you know, there could be that imbalance, and certainly there
could be a power and balance. So I guess parents
would could feel a little bit odd about that, or
would you.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
I mean, what would you?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah, that's I mean, sorry, I couldn't put Jimmy back
on here. Once you say an older word, you've got
to go. But yeah, because I mean, there are plenty
of age gap differences which are not a problem. But
I think it's the eighteen versus forty, Isn't that it's confronting.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
I think so, And certainly it was for jim It
may not be for other people. But I also think
that the example that you gave of it's a twenty
two year age difference. So if the girl was thirty
and the guy was fifty two, I think it would
be viewed differently by a lot of people in terms
of been quite acceptable. But also I guess, you know,
(16:23):
one size does not fit all.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
You also have to look at the people.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Involved, the individuals involved in the relationship. And there may
be women out there who are forty and they, you know,
have partners who are sixty five and they just work
brilliantly together. Or you know men that are fifty and
they have thirty year old You know.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I think, what would we say to Jimmy. I think, so,
she's brought the guy home, and I'm guessing they probably
haven't clicked. Dad and the boyfriend judging by the way Jimmy.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
May have been at arm's length because of that age fact.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Maybe.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
I mean, the first thing is, do you'd have to
make the effort to try and get to know them
at the moment. All you're doing is going not comfortable
get to know them? See what I don't know?
Speaker 3 (17:10):
But then the conversation is as easy as and you know,
I just roll play it a little bit.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
Hey.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
You know, Simon seems nice. He is a lot older
than you. How do you feel about that?
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Just let your love.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Him, dad, he brought me a new car.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Well, you know, buying people things isn't necessarily the most
important display of love, my child, because you know, love
isn't about what people can buy us and the gifts
that people can give us. There is a lot more
to relationships than what can be bought. I would suggest it,
and listen, I think they probably need to have the conversation.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
And certainly, okay, then if the daughter comes back and said, look,
I'm just having a good time at the moment, don't
but don't you know, don't spawln the party.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
It's good fun. Hey.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
And then if that is all that it is, there's
not a lot to worry about you. Then you might
say something like, hey, well, that's cool that you know
you are having fun, and you might want to ask
some questions about safety and what do they get up to,
so that you're understanding the relationship. And then from that
point I would say, get to know the boyfriend, get
them around for dinner, go and have lunch with them,
you know, just keep the relationship between all parties building.
(18:18):
If it's going to be something that the daughter wants
to continue with.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Sorry, chat one ah magic, Hey, now let's go to
I quite enjoyed that role player. We could have pushed
that role play a long way, actually, but I thought,
you know, let's just let's go to the next caller.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Oh eight h eighty Donna, Hello, Hi, how.
Speaker 6 (18:36):
Are you good. I'm just agreeing in some way with
you with regards to keeping your relationships with your children,
with regarding, you know, having the values and bringing them
up in a certain way. When they become teenagers, we'll
just regards goes out the window and they just do
what they want to do. So with regards to my
(18:57):
daughter at the time, she brought home this particular guy
that absolutely just didn't fit our anything to do with.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
US system or morals, or it didn't have a lot
in common with you guys.
Speaker 6 (19:15):
It was just foreign in all sorts of ways. And
I just, you know, I let it go. And then
I had a commun you know, conversation with her and
just said to her, you know, what was it about
him that you thought was okay? And blah blah blah. Anyway,
of course, the thing is that if you say anything
negative and inform, you always get them to attract one another.
And that's what ended up sort of happening. And on
(19:38):
this particular event, I was mortified because she basically took
off with him, and I just, oh, my god. And
the power of friends is unbelievable, because they if you
bring your kids up with all your friends in there
and their kids, they know you there than sometimes you
when you're in a state like that, you know your
own kids. And they also do not worry. Do not worry.
(19:59):
She has her head screwed on. She will be home.
And sure enough, the next night she came home, she said, Mum,
sit down, I want to say something to you. And
I said, okay, what is it? She said, you were right,
You were so right, And you know, that's just about.
Speaker 4 (20:14):
Everything Hey, do you know that, you.
Speaker 6 (20:17):
Said, Mum, I had to do that to see what
I saw, to know what it was.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Did that feel like, you know, does that feel like
the repayment of an investment you'd made in her over
the years.
Speaker 6 (20:27):
In a way, I just think that it's really important.
I've always had this notion that the first seven years
you have your child, they are the most valuable years
of before that's that's the most nurturing and validating everything
that you as a family can do together and being
protective of one another. And then as they grow up,
(20:48):
it's their words, it's their things. They're telling you that
you're working together, you're having that communication. And then when
they're older, you do have to let them go, but
you still need Your question was at what time do
you intervene. You were intervene when you see them going
to be unsaved, that's when you intervene. Now said that
(21:09):
you still have to let them go. It broke my heart,
but it made the right decision in the end, because
after that, you know, they do have to they do
have to go through stuff to be able to come back. Unfortunately,
for me it was only a weekend, but for others
that can be years. You know, yeah I was, but
(21:30):
she really is. She's a good kitch.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Absolutely is this recent. I love that they never stopped
being your little girl.
Speaker 6 (21:45):
Well, it's a different relationship now we're friends, we're equals. Basically,
we don't it's not a mother it is another daughter
relationship and it's fun. But we are best friends, and
you know that's really what you want and going that
your other, your other. Poor father, I can understand to
see how he must have felt. And I know, in
(22:08):
the instance, if that had been my dad or my
you know, my daughter's dad, he would have sat down
and had a conversation with that guy. He would have
done what you see, it needs to be friends. But
by golly, that friendly relationship conversation would not have been
there while the daughter was there, because my consideration of
what was going on is do you really need a
sugar daddy? Because that's how I would see it. And
(22:30):
you know, this is a form of prosecution. What the
hell is he doing with an eighteen year old?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Well, we've had some fairly.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Strong conversation I had okay, fair enough dinner. We've had
a few texts on that as well. Thanks, so hey,
thanks for your call.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
Thanks, all right, take care, thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I mean that is I mean, it's in a way,
it's quite nice to hear that, you know, Donna had
to go through twenty four to forty hour hours of torment, worried,
but but that maybe the girl she raised had she'd
raised someone who could see.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
We know, well, we know.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Research tells us and families tell us that if you
have invested enough in your children in those early years,
the morals, the values and everything that you've put your
time into with them will show up down the track,
even if they are feisty teenagers. And let me tell you,
the teenage years are so much There's so much going on,
(23:24):
and friendships and the peer group is very important, but
there's maturational issues. There's growth, there's exams, there's school, there's teachers,
there's boyfriends. There is so much going on there that
I think often parents feel minimized. But really it's about
those kids figuring themselves out, and relationships.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
Come into that. Max.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
I don't think that kids forget about how they have
been brought up in zero to seven or zero to ten.
I think they are just figuring things out and they
pop out the other side. So that again speaks to
the need for parents to really invest that time and
form those bonds as early as you can.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
So parenting it's a pretty tough gig, you know.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'll just responded to a couple of texts here. So
I love how people give themselves specific identification. Angela here
from Wayuku. She says a forty year old male dating
an eighteen year old girl as a predator, and then
she says, I've just got to answer this one. She said,
you should never have cut off that dad, grow up
and discuss it for what it is now, Angela, Angela,
(24:29):
we have to cut people off who say certain words,
and the one beginning with F is one of them.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
So that's why I cut it off.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
But I think you have to be fair that we
continue to discuss the issue and ideas around it. So yeah,
but if you're going to drop the F bomb or
a couple of the other words we don't like generally.
The B words, I don't mind because I use a
few of them myself. But the F bomb, it is
what is it five point thirty in the afternoon, Yes,
and it's the parent squad.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
So some people might be listening with their kids. So yeah,
I just but I thought i'd.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Angela understand that, but she never heard what we hear.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
We only cut the the conversation short because of this.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
It's not because someone's naughty, it's just we can't allow
that conversation to continue. It's not a judgment on that person.
They've got a problem to deal with and we respect
as problem. But yeah, just I say that for the
wider audience as well as the approach I take to
banned language, and I know, to be honest, that look
to be honest. I mean, you know, we're much more
tolerant of language, and in certain contexts, a certain ours,
(25:31):
you know, might not necessarily frighten people too much. But
five point thirty on the Saturday afternoon, that's the call
we make. Actually, somebody raised the question, would what would
people be saying if it was a forty year old
woman and an eighteen year old boy.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
I think that's the same thing.
Speaker 4 (25:47):
Pretty much the same thing.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
It would be that the eighteen year old has not
lived life and has a very limited view on relationships,
and a forty year old is in a different position.
Speaker 4 (25:59):
So I think that's pretty It's not a gender thing.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Ben says Hi said, bean daughter's eighteen, if she turned
up with a forty year old, I'll be okay with it.
If he has a house and is loaded and can
take care of her, well, okay, right, okay, we'll take
the one view.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Yep, that's one.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
We'll be back in just a moment, News Talk, said
B twenty five minutes to six News Talks. B. I
wish I could have shared the story I was having
a chat with Sarah Sarah chat went off here about
but that one will have to that.
Speaker 4 (26:27):
Would be getting the call that one.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Okay, as the father of a seventeen year old daughter
asked Sarah what qualities a daughter should look for in
her partner from John if.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
We had a wish list, because remember we cannot we
don't have a lot of you know, sway in terms
of you know, what our daughters and what our sons choose.
But I guess the values from your family will be
values that our kids are. You know, they've been around,
(27:02):
so they used to so they will potentially look for
people with those same values. Also, research is hot on
the track of children look to their parents and their
relationship to you know, give them the cues as to
what is a good and bad relationship.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
So if you're a warring.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
Couple that doesn't speak well for you know what, your
kids will be comfortable being around because they will have
you know, been around aggression or you know, physicality or
domestic violence. That's why you find that children of those
relationships often do become people who can abuse. So as parents,
we need to be really careful with the messages that
(27:42):
we send from those early days. But I guess you know, kindness, concern, loyalty,
those core values that we that I mean, I guess
I would like to think parents, you know, say to
their children, you know, you really need to be this
kind of a person. Try to be kind and caring,
Try to you know, see everybody's individual beauty, be loyal.
(28:05):
If you believe in something, then you champion that cause
you know, all of those things that will teach our
children along the way.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
I think the thing is if basically, if there are
parents listening who've got very young kids.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I mean, the.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Investment you've got to make and your children is now,
rather than ignoring your kids for years and then suddenly
thinking I don't.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
Like the boyfriend, and then hoping, hoping in those teenage
years is going to come right because those are years when,
as I said before, there's a lot going on, so
nothing's going to come right in those years. It's all
being figured out. So the investment for parents of young
children is absolutely in the now, putting ourselves to the
side a little and just focusing on building really nice, robust,
(28:47):
secure humans that grow and can make really you know,
informed decisions.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Okay, here's a text here. It says, I'm fearful for
my daughter. She's dating a narcissist and no one likes them. Fortunately,
her friends are voice and concerns. If I say anything,
she bites my head off. She's opened up to me
out some things, and I've been able to comment, treading carefully.
I'm waiting patiently for her to really see the light.
But is there anything I can do or say now?
Name with hell just in.
Speaker 4 (29:14):
Case I understand.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Look, we do throw the term narcissist around a lot
these days, and unless you are fitting all the diagnostic
categories of narcissism, you're not a narcissist. A lot of
us have narcissistic qualities from time to time. The guy
will just be potentially somebody that is you just do
not see as being a good influence or a good
(29:36):
person in your daughter's life. I totally get that. I
think having conversations that seemed judgmental to your daughter won't work.
So just you know, just lightening the conversation a bit,
and you know, just saying, hey, I didn't necessarily think that,
you know, Simon would be somebody who you gravitated towards.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
Tell me what you like about him.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Just opening up those kind of conversations that do not
seem judgmental.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
It is helpful when the in.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
Hip circle, you know, have an opinion that reflects your opinion,
that can be instrumental in creating a shift.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
But I mean, you can't count on that. At the
end of the day. You've just got to.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Make sure that there's no abuse or you know, any
criminality with regard to what's going on in their relationship.
No violence, no aggression, nothing like that. And you will
see signs of those kind of things occurring. I mean,
your child might become withdrawn. They will really not you know,
they will be spending time away from you, So there
will be signs if things get really bad. And when
(30:39):
you see that kind of stuff, absolutely you dive in
with kind words, just asking them to give you the
information that will make them feel better for having disclosed
to you and will make you understand the situation will clearly.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Okay, I've got a couple more texts to get to.
I've just said.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Some people still following up on the me dumping a
caller for language, and they're saying, look, he only said bloody.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
The point is this is how the delay system works. People,
So listen carefully, because I feel like a listen very carefully.
As I've said this only once. So the words that
someone says on air, when we hit the dump button,
it doesn't hang up on them and leave those words
on air. We operate on a delay system, so none
of you will have heard if I dump a call
(31:24):
for bad language.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
If you are listening.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Out there, you will not hear those words because we
have a delay system. And what happens is everything that
we broadcast goes out eight seconds later. And so what
I do when I hit the dump button is I
dump the eight seconds that you're about to hear. So
for people are saying, oh, he only said this word. No,
you missed the language. And this is making a bigger
issue of it than it is because it was simply
(31:48):
you know, you can't use that language.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
We're moving on.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
But that's how the delay system works. So if you
think you heard what he got dumped for, no you didn't.
That's the whole magic of the delay system.
Speaker 4 (31:59):
And radio love that system.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
It is good.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
And Ben says, who cares, there's no b say any longer. No,
then we have our own standards because we like to
keep the audience listening. So it doesn't matter that the
BSA who have generally always been a waste of time anyway.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Way right, hopefully that answers it for you. But by
the way, what about people who say.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Look, this person says a text, I don't think school
kids should be having boyfriend girlfriend relationships in the first place.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
Oh, well, they just they exist.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
So we can't actually just not look look in that direction,
because they actually exist and kids are having relationships fourteen, fifteen,
sixteen and beyond. So but also there are there is
a family culture that exists in every family. And if
parents say, hey, listen, you are not to be spending
too much time with this child, and the child is
(32:52):
a minor, well then that is the responsibility of that family.
So there is an amount of control that parents can
have on relationships, and certainly if there are curfews at
night and children have various things that they need to
do in their family, sure they can. You know, you
can put limits on things. But teenage relationships exist.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I guess when you when you're I was thinking also
about the other is shor of just friendships and the
influence you can have as a parent is basically there's
no playdates at that person's place when they're twelve years old.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
You know, it's like, can I go for a playdate? No,
it doesn't really work.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
That term comes a little outdated.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
Date stopped at what about seven?
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Actually, I don't know. Playdate twins is there if somebody
has played.
Speaker 4 (33:40):
You don't have their teenagers or tweens.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
I probably use that expression, but I don't think of
it as that.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
I don't know what I use it as. But I
mean that's that is the influence that parents can. You know,
you can restrict the extra curricular catch ups with kids
that you think are what about I mean because the
other thing is if you see your your son or
daughter being involved with groups who are maybe exhibiting bullying
behavior towards other and I.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
Mean Oh, that definitely warrants a conversation.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Worrants a conversation about what your values are. And if
I see you, I would say to if it was
my daughters, I'd say, if I see you engaging in
that behavior, there's going to be some consequences, so you
might want to think about what sort of behavior you're
happy participating in.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
And also, I think it's not only about the person
that is bullying, so that the other individual. It's about
the group that supports that behavior. So it's all as
bad as each other. And no, I wouldn't want my
kids to be part of that at all. And that
deserves a conversation because that is something that really attacks
the self esteem of youth today. Cyber bullying, physical bullying.
(34:52):
You know, it just makes kids feel so bad about themselves.
And half the time, well most of them, every time
it is not warranted. There is another way to go
about things as opposed to bullying. It's just such a listen,
you know, endeavor.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Well, gosh, actually it's quite a chunky top because straight up,
because I was just remembering all these old sort of
mistakes I made when I was a kid, and how
unbelievably surprised I was at how chilled out my mum
was about certain aspects of relationships, and you realize, gosh,
you know, they were young people once.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
As well, exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
And I think that's when I realized my mum was
kind of awesome, because I thought she would come railing,
raining the hell fire on me for something once and
she was just like, it's all got a bit much,
hasn't it.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
She was lovely like mine mum. We were very lucky people.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
We were, indeed, Sarah, lovely to see you.
Speaker 4 (35:45):
Nice to see you too, and yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
We'll catch you next and look forward to next time.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Thanks for all your feedback, by the way, people, and
I do like to sort of respond to most of
the stuff that I get and unless it's purely hate mail,
but anyway, none of that. Today, it's twelve minutes to six.
We're catching up with Superman Christopher Reeve for the Sports
Rap and just a moment news talk.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Sa'd be For more from the Weekend Collective.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Listen live to Newstalkzedbe weekends from three pm, or follow
the podcast on iHeartRadio.
You're listening to the Weekend Collective podcast from News Talk
s B. Yes, welcome back or welcome in the Weekend Collective. Yes,
(00:33):
that's a little bit of Tata because she get married today.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
And look, I'm not a fan.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I mean, I admire her as a person what she's done,
but I'm not big on the Tata music. But we thought,
you know, considering, i'd, you know, just to make up
for my lack of charitability on that one, we'd just
start the final hour with a little bit of Tata,
who is married to what's his name?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
A welcome back to the show. This is the Parent Squad,
and we're going to dig into are I funny enough?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
I actually think I have a few of the answers
here myself, although we've brought someone in who possibly has
even more.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Answers for us.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
But we're going to talk about for the parents out there.
You know, your child is getting to the age where
well actually might even be when they're littlies. But what
happens if your child becomes friends with or as they
get older and maybe a little bit more dependent, or
they date someone, are going out with someone who you're
(01:27):
not really a fan of, how do you protect them
from getting into an unhealthy relationship or a toxic relationship.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
And how do you.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
Actually also have a think about whether it's just because
they're not your cup of tea, but they may be
your daughter or your son's cup of tea, and they
may be really great for your daughter or son just
because you don't like them. But when do you recognize
when a relationship is toxic?
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Because funny thing is, if you think.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Of all first loves or second loves, at some stage,
you know you get well out of kilter as a
care or an adult, don't you. So when should you
step in? And what is the antidote to trying to
involve yourself in your child's life? And you know there
may be a difference between you know, your child's hanging
out with a bunch of kids who are bullies, that's
(02:15):
an easy one. Maybe they're seven or eight or twelve
or thirteen or whatever. Maybe that's an easier card to
play than your sixteen or seventeen year old son or
daughter's got a partner who you think is toxic or
manipulating them or whatever unhealthy? Can you step into that relationship?
Have you stepped into that relationship? Have you ever intervened
(02:36):
in a relationship, and what's the benefit of your experience?
So we'd love to hear from you. But anyway, joining
us to discuss those issues, I'm not sure if I
was gonna mischievously say, you know, ask if she's ever
had a relationship. She looks back on and goes, oh God,
I wish my mum and dad had stepped in on
that one. Anyway, she is a registered psychologist from Mind Works,
and her name is Sarah Chapman, and she's with me now.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
Sarah, Hello, Hell, good evening.
Speaker 3 (02:59):
I love Taylor, and good luck with your wedding. I'm
wondering whether mum and dad approve of Travis Kelcey. I
think they probably do, so, Hey, good example, two young
kids getting married.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Not sure if anyone's interfering in Taylor's relationship.
Speaker 4 (03:16):
She's got a grasp on her own destiny for sure.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Because I've almost feel like I'm going to quote Ian
Grant here from The Parenting the founder of the Parenting Place,
that I think the issue for parents when it comes
to interfering in your children's relationship, the answer to that
question needs to be approached years and years beforehand, as
when you are a parent who involves yourself as a
(03:43):
parent in your children's lives, and if you are paying
attention to your children in the early years and spending
time with them and having conversations. Ian's expression, I remember
this is he must have said this twenty or thirty
years ago. He said, he said that you went, you
went the right to speak into their lives and it's
about having related So in a.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Way, I think his view is very topical even today,
but I think there's been a bit of an update
and what and what we say today is if you
can nurture the parent child relationship right from the get go,
then you have the ability at any age and stage
to have to open the pathways of communication. And that
(04:24):
is really important. So you know, when people say, oh.
Speaker 4 (04:27):
Man, I don't seem to be able to get through
to my.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
Teenager, I'm always mindful of did you put the work
in from the get go in terms of showing up
as a parent so that you were nurturing that relationship.
So I guess we all learn, and you know, even
from tonight, you look at your kids and if you've
got little's out there, you're going, okay, I need to
keep them close. I need to be able to nurture
(04:51):
that relationship so that in the you know, in the
latter years and the teen years, when things when the
parent's influence minimizes and the peer group becomes really strong,
so that you actually can have those conversations because they
don't need to be negative conversations, They don't need to
be disruptive or chaotic. They can just be robust conversations
(05:13):
about things that you know might be troubling you or
things that you just want to check.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
Out with your kids. And if you've put in the groundwork.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
Early on, then you do probably have the ability to
have those conversations at that point.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Because I think I don't really feel I should ask about,
you know, whether you've interfered in your children's friendships or relationships,
because you know they probably.
Speaker 4 (05:34):
You can and I will tell, Okay, I will tell.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Let's on. First up, you ask and I will tell.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
How can you did you ever have in your relationships
where your parents might have expressed some disapproval.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
I can't remember my parents expressing disapproval, but I can
remember that. You know, you date people, and if you
don't find your perfect person, you know, first, second, or
third you probably date people that you, you know, maybe
could have chosen a little better. So I can remember
my parents bearing down on me and being heavy about it,
(06:06):
and I don't believe that I have done that with
any of my children, but I do think, you know,
we have had conversations about, Hey, you know, what do
you think about X?
Speaker 5 (06:17):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:18):
You know what do you think? What's the vibe you get?
Speaker 3 (06:20):
And I'm honest, if I got a bad vibe about
any partner that my kids had, I would probably say,
but I would also.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
It's a way as well, I mean, as opposed to
this guy, ol galas I mean, i'd be I'm a
little worried about you. I'll probably start it from the
point of view because I'm concerned. There's a couple of.
Speaker 3 (06:39):
Things, so I wouldn't even start it from that point.
I would say, Hey, how you're going? You know, you're
hanging out with X a lot.
Speaker 4 (06:47):
How's that?
Speaker 5 (06:47):
You know?
Speaker 4 (06:48):
What are you guys up to? What are you doing?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
I'd make it very general and then allow them to
bring to you the specifics of the relationship and how
it's working out and how it is affecting them from
their perspective. If there was a point in that conversation
where I could then say, Hey, you know, do you
want my take on it? This is the feeling that
I get. If I felt that it was appropriate, Hey,
(07:10):
I'd go there. But I think leaving it very open
and allowing your children to talk to you and you
listen to them, because there is a.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Big difference between an unhealthy relationship and just the trials
and tribulations of falling in love, like if your son
or your daughter is in a relationship where oh, actually
I did get a caveat from my mom. I actually
my mom was Surprisingly my mom was quite a strong personality,
and she was a fiercely loyal mum, lovely, but she
(07:40):
did once and I've just got to be careful. I
don't say anything where if the person was listening, they go,
they're talking about me.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
But she did. She did actually just warn me.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
To be careful on a relationship because it turned out
that there was In fact, my mom must have had
a superpower because a girl that I was seeing.
Speaker 4 (07:59):
Hey, parents do she had obviously felt.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
She could talk to my mum about her she she
was having, which involved a past boyfriend, where she might
have my mom might have picked up like, I'm not
sure this boy is out of the picture, and my
mom simply said to me, I'd be a little careful
with this.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
One, tim.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
And then I found out that there was a very
good reason for being careful on it. It was a hell
of a tale.
Speaker 3 (08:24):
Well, the thing is, I mean, your parents love you,
they want the best for you. And even though your
mother was probably very kind in terms of listening to
this girl and you know her issues, because sometimes there
are parents, they.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
Had a girl's talk. I think you and she forgot
to you just talk to my mom because.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
That could have been the case.
Speaker 3 (08:42):
But of course, you know your mom didn't want to
get overly involved, but she just wanted to keep a
little bit of an eye on things. And I think
as a parent, if you're a good parent, if you're responsible,
you do tend to spend a lot of your life
just keeping a little bit of an eye on things
so that you know things work out.
Speaker 4 (08:57):
Well.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Let's imagine a scenario, say it's not necessarily about boyfriends
or girlfriends, because we can imagine full on scenarios where
you be like, this is just no good. I mean,
it looks like I've seen the tragic Okay, here's one
we actually we won't. There was a case recently about
and an unfortunately was a homicide that.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Was in the media, but in fact, oh no, that's right.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
It was one of my callers called up and we
were chatting about things, and she mentioned that her family
were affected by a homicide so many years ago. And
it was a beautiful young woman who fell in with
a guy who turned out to be a gang member
now and it ended up with her death.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
It's just so tragic.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And look, okay, that's a hyperbole. But for instance, okay,
you're your daughter or your son's gay it with someone
who's tends towards the criminal side of things.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
What do you do there? I mean, do you do
you step in? Or what?
Speaker 4 (09:52):
Well?
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I mean, but I love him, Dad, I love him.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
You say step in? You know that that evokes it? Well,
that brings up an image of you know, actually, you know,
stepping in and separating, and there might be some physicality
about it. We certainly don't do that. But I do
think that you are able as a parent, as somebody
who has provided guidance and nurturing, nurturing for your children
(10:17):
to actually say, hey, listen, can we just have a
chat about this because I'm aware that there's some criminality
in this person's background or whatever. Hey, let's you know,
let's just be honest about it. Let's talk it through.
I mean, that's not a negative approach to take. If
you just have concerns and you just want to be
honest about them. And if your child is very defensive,
(10:38):
well that might be sending a signal of something untoward
it or you know, if they are able to have
that conversation with you, that's great. But also there can
be people who do things in their youth and are
part of you know, things in the youth, and then
they you know, are rehabilitated. They are a really positive
part of society and our community. So we don't want
(10:59):
to be too judged medically.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Situation, you know, want to turn your turn your your
son or daughter into a star crossed lovers you know,
everyone's against some Romeo and Juliet where which.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
That doesn't end too well. By the way, spoiler alert.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
For anyone who's think you're going to see a Shakespeare God,
there'd be funny, isn't it. Just somebody going I didn't
realize it was so tragic at the ends. Well, got
some lovely, lovely stuff in the interim, but that is
because you don't want to if I almost wonder whether
most of the time you have to let things play out.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Oh, I think if you have really serious concerns for safety,
you are obviously going to have to have a conversation
at some point.
Speaker 4 (11:40):
I think that's just a no brainer.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
But I think that sometimes you can you can push
your point of view, and that can almost make your
child want to do what you don't want them to
do and things, and the research suggests that you know,
you know that there can be that kind of a
double edged sword because you are well meaning. But these
(12:05):
conversations can often have relationship or relational uncertainty between parent
and child because you know, everybody's walking around on ten
to hooks or walking around on each shells because they're
not quite sure what the other one's a gender is.
You don't want to be a parent who says, you know,
it's my way or the highway, and this is the
person you should have because as parents we don't know
(12:26):
that for certain, but you also want to have their
safety at the forefront.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Yeah, we'd love your course on this, by the way,
I eight hundred eighty ten eighty. We might actually got
Jimmy there. We might just quickly take the break and
we'll come back with him in just a moment. I
eight hundred and eighty ten eighty is it? When is
it okay to interfere in your children's friendships or relationships?
And how would you go about it if that was
(12:52):
the case, because we all know the case of every teenager.
If you can remember back, there was a time when
you thought that no one had ever felt like you feel.
It's like, no, mum, you don't understand.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I really love her.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
It's like I do understand, and that feeling, No, you
don't understand, Mum, I really you don't understan you don't
get it. And every teenager has been there, So can
you actually intervene eight hundred eighty ten eighty. It's nineteen
and a half past five news Talk said be with
Tim Beveridge and Sarah Chapman as my guest. Anyway, talking
about can you interfere with your children's friendships or relationships?
(13:25):
And have you ever done it successfully or otherwise? Jimmy Hello, Hello,
Hey Jimmy, Hi, how.
Speaker 5 (13:32):
Are you hy? Good? Here?
Speaker 4 (13:35):
You got very well?
Speaker 2 (13:37):
What's what's up.
Speaker 5 (13:38):
Woll me bloody daughter brought home this bloody forty year old.
She's eighteen. I'm not not happy.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
Oh, well, is this just there's just currently you've got
an issue with it. Yeah, so your eighteen year old
daughter brought home a forty year old bloke.
Speaker 3 (13:55):
Yeah, oh, would be a little confronting you. That's probably
not what you expected, right, Jimmy, he's choiced on my age.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
The actually would a bit different. That's a twenty two
year old year gap. But she's eighteen. If she was,
I mean if she was thirty and he was fifty two,
would that be less serious because there are plenty of
relationships that work like that.
Speaker 5 (14:18):
That is true, that's right.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Okay, So you just think eighteen's too a bit young?
What are you thinking of doing?
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Did you say anything? Did you go that was a surprise?
Speaker 5 (14:30):
Well, he's bloody loaded and that's why she's with him
and I see her.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
But fuck okay right, Unfortunately you can't. I'll have to
take you off air there, sorry, mate, because you can't
say that. You can't say that word on air.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I think I think I'd hang on a second. I
just I did to make sure I did push that
button didn't. I sorry, Yeah, Jimmy used a naughty word there,
which we can't really allow. I think I dumped it
in time. But if it didn't, if it does ge
out to air, I'm sure you can all reach for
the smelling salts and recovery.
Speaker 3 (15:01):
Jimmy was quite clearly confronted by the age gap between
his daughter and her new boyfriend, and then, to make
matters worth worse, he believes that it's based on what
the boyfriend is bringing to the table in terms of cash.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
So she's brought her an older, rich boyfriend. Yeah, I mean,
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
Deep well, I don't know whether we don't know enough
about the guy home at eighteen with a forty year old.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
I don't know whether you'd be happy with that.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
No, No, I don't know how i'd handle that, though.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
I think we all think that at eighteen you have
so much more of life to live, and somebody at
forty has lived a lot of life. So I don't
you know, there could be that imbalance, and certainly there
could be a power and balance. So I guess parents
would could feel a little bit odd about that, or
would you.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
I mean, what would you?
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Yeah, that's I mean, sorry, I couldn't put Jimmy back
on here. Once you say an older word, you've got
to go. But yeah, because I mean, there are plenty
of age gap differences which are not a problem. But
I think it's the eighteen versus forty, Isn't that it's confronting.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
I think so, And certainly it was for jim It
may not be for other people. But I also think
that the example that you gave of it's a twenty
two year age difference. So if the girl was thirty
and the guy was fifty two, I think it would
be viewed differently by a lot of people in terms
of been quite acceptable. But also I guess, you know,
(16:23):
one size does not fit all.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
You also have to look at the people.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Involved, the individuals involved in the relationship. And there may
be women out there who are forty and they, you know,
have partners who are sixty five and they just work
brilliantly together. Or you know men that are fifty and
they have thirty year old You know.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I think, what would we say to Jimmy. I think, so,
she's brought the guy home, and I'm guessing they probably
haven't clicked. Dad and the boyfriend judging by the way Jimmy.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
May have been at arm's length because of that age fact.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
Maybe.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
I mean, the first thing is, do you'd have to
make the effort to try and get to know them
at the moment. All you're doing is going not comfortable
get to know them? See what I don't know?
Speaker 3 (17:10):
But then the conversation is as easy as and you know,
I just roll play it a little bit.
Speaker 4 (17:15):
Hey.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
You know, Simon seems nice. He is a lot older
than you. How do you feel about that?
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Just let your love.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Him, dad, he brought me a new car.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Well, you know, buying people things isn't necessarily the most
important display of love, my child, because you know, love
isn't about what people can buy us and the gifts
that people can give us. There is a lot more
to relationships than what can be bought. I would suggest it,
and listen, I think they probably need to have the conversation.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
And certainly, okay, then if the daughter comes back and said, look,
I'm just having a good time at the moment, don't
but don't you know, don't spawln the party.
Speaker 2 (17:52):
It's good fun. Hey.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
And then if that is all that it is, there's
not a lot to worry about you. Then you might
say something like, hey, well, that's cool that you know
you are having fun, and you might want to ask
some questions about safety and what do they get up to,
so that you're understanding the relationship. And then from that
point I would say, get to know the boyfriend, get
them around for dinner, go and have lunch with them,
you know, just keep the relationship between all parties building.
(18:18):
If it's going to be something that the daughter wants
to continue with.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Sorry, chat one ah magic, Hey, now let's go to
I quite enjoyed that role player. We could have pushed
that role play a long way, actually, but I thought,
you know, let's just let's go to the next caller.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Oh eight h eighty Donna, Hello, Hi, how.
Speaker 6 (18:36):
Are you good. I'm just agreeing in some way with
you with regards to keeping your relationships with your children,
with regarding, you know, having the values and bringing them
up in a certain way. When they become teenagers, we'll
just regards goes out the window and they just do
what they want to do. So with regards to my
(18:57):
daughter at the time, she brought home this particular guy
that absolutely just didn't fit our anything to do with.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
US system or morals, or it didn't have a lot
in common with you guys.
Speaker 6 (19:15):
It was just foreign in all sorts of ways. And
I just, you know, I let it go. And then
I had a commun you know, conversation with her and
just said to her, you know, what was it about
him that you thought was okay? And blah blah blah. Anyway,
of course, the thing is that if you say anything
negative and inform, you always get them to attract one another.
And that's what ended up sort of happening. And on
(19:38):
this particular event, I was mortified because she basically took
off with him, and I just, oh, my god. And
the power of friends is unbelievable, because they if you
bring your kids up with all your friends in there
and their kids, they know you there than sometimes you
when you're in a state like that, you know your
own kids. And they also do not worry. Do not worry.
(19:59):
She has her head screwed on. She will be home.
And sure enough, the next night she came home, she said, Mum,
sit down, I want to say something to you. And
I said, okay, what is it? She said, you were right,
You were so right, And you know, that's just about.
Speaker 4 (20:14):
Everything Hey, do you know that, you.
Speaker 6 (20:17):
Said, Mum, I had to do that to see what
I saw, to know what it was.
Speaker 1 (20:22):
Did that feel like, you know, does that feel like
the repayment of an investment you'd made in her over
the years.
Speaker 6 (20:27):
In a way, I just think that it's really important.
I've always had this notion that the first seven years
you have your child, they are the most valuable years
of before that's that's the most nurturing and validating everything
that you as a family can do together and being
protective of one another. And then as they grow up,
(20:48):
it's their words, it's their things. They're telling you that
you're working together, you're having that communication. And then when
they're older, you do have to let them go, but
you still need Your question was at what time do
you intervene. You were intervene when you see them going
to be unsaved, that's when you intervene. Now said that
(21:09):
you still have to let them go. It broke my heart,
but it made the right decision in the end, because
after that, you know, they do have to they do
have to go through stuff to be able to come back. Unfortunately,
for me it was only a weekend, but for others
that can be years. You know, yeah I was, but
(21:30):
she really is. She's a good kitch.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
Absolutely is this recent. I love that they never stopped
being your little girl.
Speaker 6 (21:45):
Well, it's a different relationship now we're friends, we're equals. Basically,
we don't it's not a mother it is another daughter
relationship and it's fun. But we are best friends, and
you know that's really what you want and going that
your other, your other. Poor father, I can understand to
see how he must have felt. And I know, in
(22:08):
the instance, if that had been my dad or my
you know, my daughter's dad, he would have sat down
and had a conversation with that guy. He would have
done what you see, it needs to be friends. But
by golly, that friendly relationship conversation would not have been
there while the daughter was there, because my consideration of
what was going on is do you really need a
sugar daddy? Because that's how I would see it. And
(22:30):
you know, this is a form of prosecution. What the
hell is he doing with an eighteen year old?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Well, we've had some fairly.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Strong conversation I had okay, fair enough dinner. We've had
a few texts on that as well. Thanks, so hey,
thanks for your call.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
Thanks, all right, take care, thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:45):
I mean that is I mean, it's in a way,
it's quite nice to hear that, you know, Donna had
to go through twenty four to forty hour hours of torment, worried,
but but that maybe the girl she raised had she'd
raised someone who could see.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
We know, well, we know.
Speaker 3 (23:00):
Research tells us and families tell us that if you
have invested enough in your children in those early years,
the morals, the values and everything that you've put your
time into with them will show up down the track,
even if they are feisty teenagers. And let me tell you,
the teenage years are so much There's so much going on,
(23:24):
and friendships and the peer group is very important, but
there's maturational issues. There's growth, there's exams, there's school, there's teachers,
there's boyfriends. There is so much going on there that
I think often parents feel minimized. But really it's about
those kids figuring themselves out, and relationships.
Speaker 4 (23:42):
Come into that. Max.
Speaker 3 (23:44):
I don't think that kids forget about how they have
been brought up in zero to seven or zero to ten.
I think they are just figuring things out and they
pop out the other side. So that again speaks to
the need for parents to really invest that time and
form those bonds as early as you can.
Speaker 4 (24:04):
So parenting it's a pretty tough gig, you know.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
I'll just responded to a couple of texts here. So
I love how people give themselves specific identification. Angela here
from Wayuku. She says a forty year old male dating
an eighteen year old girl as a predator, and then
she says, I've just got to answer this one. She said,
you should never have cut off that dad, grow up
and discuss it for what it is now, Angela, Angela,
(24:29):
we have to cut people off who say certain words,
and the one beginning with F is one of them.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
So that's why I cut it off.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
But I think you have to be fair that we
continue to discuss the issue and ideas around it. So yeah,
but if you're going to drop the F bomb or
a couple of the other words we don't like generally.
The B words, I don't mind because I use a
few of them myself. But the F bomb, it is
what is it five point thirty in the afternoon, Yes,
and it's the parent squad.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
So some people might be listening with their kids. So yeah,
I just but I thought i'd.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Angela understand that, but she never heard what we hear.
Speaker 3 (25:04):
We only cut the the conversation short because of this.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
It's not because someone's naughty, it's just we can't allow
that conversation to continue. It's not a judgment on that person.
They've got a problem to deal with and we respect
as problem. But yeah, just I say that for the
wider audience as well as the approach I take to
banned language, and I know, to be honest, that look
to be honest. I mean, you know, we're much more
tolerant of language, and in certain contexts, a certain ours,
(25:31):
you know, might not necessarily frighten people too much. But
five point thirty on the Saturday afternoon, that's the call
we make. Actually, somebody raised the question, would what would
people be saying if it was a forty year old
woman and an eighteen year old boy.
Speaker 2 (25:46):
I think that's the same thing.
Speaker 4 (25:47):
Pretty much the same thing.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
It would be that the eighteen year old has not
lived life and has a very limited view on relationships,
and a forty year old is in a different position.
Speaker 4 (25:59):
So I think that's pretty It's not a gender thing.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
Ben says Hi said, bean daughter's eighteen, if she turned
up with a forty year old, I'll be okay with it.
If he has a house and is loaded and can
take care of her, well, okay, right, okay, we'll take
the one view.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Yep, that's one.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
We'll be back in just a moment, News Talk, said
B twenty five minutes to six News Talks. B. I
wish I could have shared the story I was having
a chat with Sarah Sarah chat went off here about
but that one will have to that.
Speaker 4 (26:27):
Would be getting the call that one.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Okay, as the father of a seventeen year old daughter
asked Sarah what qualities a daughter should look for in
her partner from John if.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
We had a wish list, because remember we cannot we
don't have a lot of you know, sway in terms
of you know, what our daughters and what our sons choose.
But I guess the values from your family will be
values that our kids are. You know, they've been around,
(27:02):
so they used to so they will potentially look for
people with those same values. Also, research is hot on
the track of children look to their parents and their
relationship to you know, give them the cues as to
what is a good and bad relationship.
Speaker 4 (27:20):
So if you're a warring.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
Couple that doesn't speak well for you know what, your
kids will be comfortable being around because they will have
you know, been around aggression or you know, physicality or
domestic violence. That's why you find that children of those
relationships often do become people who can abuse. So as parents,
we need to be really careful with the messages that
(27:42):
we send from those early days. But I guess you know, kindness, concern, loyalty,
those core values that we that I mean, I guess
I would like to think parents, you know, say to
their children, you know, you really need to be this
kind of a person. Try to be kind and caring,
Try to you know, see everybody's individual beauty, be loyal.
(28:05):
If you believe in something, then you champion that cause
you know, all of those things that will teach our
children along the way.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
I think the thing is if basically, if there are
parents listening who've got very young kids.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
I mean, the.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Investment you've got to make and your children is now,
rather than ignoring your kids for years and then suddenly
thinking I don't.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
Like the boyfriend, and then hoping, hoping in those teenage
years is going to come right because those are years when,
as I said before, there's a lot going on, so
nothing's going to come right in those years. It's all
being figured out. So the investment for parents of young
children is absolutely in the now, putting ourselves to the
side a little and just focusing on building really nice, robust,
(28:47):
secure humans that grow and can make really you know,
informed decisions.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Okay, here's a text here. It says, I'm fearful for
my daughter. She's dating a narcissist and no one likes them. Fortunately,
her friends are voice and concerns. If I say anything,
she bites my head off. She's opened up to me
out some things, and I've been able to comment, treading carefully.
I'm waiting patiently for her to really see the light.
But is there anything I can do or say now?
Name with hell just in.
Speaker 4 (29:14):
Case I understand.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
Look, we do throw the term narcissist around a lot
these days, and unless you are fitting all the diagnostic
categories of narcissism, you're not a narcissist. A lot of
us have narcissistic qualities from time to time. The guy
will just be potentially somebody that is you just do
not see as being a good influence or a good
(29:36):
person in your daughter's life. I totally get that. I
think having conversations that seemed judgmental to your daughter won't work.
So just you know, just lightening the conversation a bit,
and you know, just saying, hey, I didn't necessarily think that,
you know, Simon would be somebody who you gravitated towards.
Speaker 4 (29:56):
Tell me what you like about him.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Just opening up those kind of conversations that do not
seem judgmental.
Speaker 4 (30:03):
It is helpful when the in.
Speaker 3 (30:05):
Hip circle, you know, have an opinion that reflects your opinion,
that can be instrumental in creating a shift.
Speaker 4 (30:14):
But I mean, you can't count on that. At the
end of the day. You've just got to.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Make sure that there's no abuse or you know, any
criminality with regard to what's going on in their relationship.
No violence, no aggression, nothing like that. And you will
see signs of those kind of things occurring. I mean,
your child might become withdrawn. They will really not you know,
they will be spending time away from you, So there
will be signs if things get really bad. And when
(30:39):
you see that kind of stuff, absolutely you dive in
with kind words, just asking them to give you the
information that will make them feel better for having disclosed
to you and will make you understand the situation will clearly.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Okay, I've got a couple more texts to get to.
I've just said.
Speaker 1 (30:56):
Some people still following up on the me dumping a
caller for language, and they're saying, look, he only said bloody.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
The point is this is how the delay system works. People,
So listen carefully, because I feel like a listen very carefully.
As I've said this only once. So the words that
someone says on air, when we hit the dump button,
it doesn't hang up on them and leave those words
on air. We operate on a delay system, so none
of you will have heard if I dump a call
(31:24):
for bad language.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
If you are listening.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Out there, you will not hear those words because we
have a delay system. And what happens is everything that
we broadcast goes out eight seconds later. And so what
I do when I hit the dump button is I
dump the eight seconds that you're about to hear. So
for people are saying, oh, he only said this word. No,
you missed the language. And this is making a bigger
issue of it than it is because it was simply
(31:48):
you know, you can't use that language.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
We're moving on.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
But that's how the delay system works. So if you
think you heard what he got dumped for, no you didn't.
That's the whole magic of the delay system.
Speaker 4 (31:59):
And radio love that system.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
It is good.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
And Ben says, who cares, there's no b say any longer. No,
then we have our own standards because we like to
keep the audience listening. So it doesn't matter that the
BSA who have generally always been a waste of time anyway.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Way right, hopefully that answers it for you. But by
the way, what about people who say.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Look, this person says a text, I don't think school
kids should be having boyfriend girlfriend relationships in the first place.
Speaker 4 (32:28):
Oh, well, they just they exist.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
So we can't actually just not look look in that direction,
because they actually exist and kids are having relationships fourteen, fifteen,
sixteen and beyond. So but also there are there is
a family culture that exists in every family. And if
parents say, hey, listen, you are not to be spending
too much time with this child, and the child is
(32:52):
a minor, well then that is the responsibility of that family.
So there is an amount of control that parents can
have on relationships, and certainly if there are curfews at
night and children have various things that they need to
do in their family, sure they can. You know, you
can put limits on things. But teenage relationships exist.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I guess when you when you're I was thinking also
about the other is shor of just friendships and the
influence you can have as a parent is basically there's
no playdates at that person's place when they're twelve years old.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
You know, it's like, can I go for a playdate? No,
it doesn't really work.
Speaker 4 (33:27):
That term comes a little outdated.
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 4 (33:31):
Date stopped at what about seven?
Speaker 2 (33:35):
Actually, I don't know. Playdate twins is there if somebody
has played.
Speaker 4 (33:40):
You don't have their teenagers or tweens.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
I probably use that expression, but I don't think of
it as that.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
I don't know what I use it as. But I
mean that's that is the influence that parents can. You know,
you can restrict the extra curricular catch ups with kids
that you think are what about I mean because the
other thing is if you see your your son or
daughter being involved with groups who are maybe exhibiting bullying
behavior towards other and I.
Speaker 4 (34:06):
Mean Oh, that definitely warrants a conversation.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Worrants a conversation about what your values are. And if
I see you, I would say to if it was
my daughters, I'd say, if I see you engaging in
that behavior, there's going to be some consequences, so you
might want to think about what sort of behavior you're
happy participating in.
Speaker 3 (34:27):
And also, I think it's not only about the person
that is bullying, so that the other individual. It's about
the group that supports that behavior. So it's all as
bad as each other. And no, I wouldn't want my
kids to be part of that at all. And that
deserves a conversation because that is something that really attacks
the self esteem of youth today. Cyber bullying, physical bullying.
(34:52):
You know, it just makes kids feel so bad about themselves.
And half the time, well most of them, every time
it is not warranted. There is another way to go
about things as opposed to bullying. It's just such a listen,
you know, endeavor.
Speaker 1 (35:07):
Well, gosh, actually it's quite a chunky top because straight up,
because I was just remembering all these old sort of
mistakes I made when I was a kid, and how
unbelievably surprised I was at how chilled out my mum
was about certain aspects of relationships, and you realize, gosh,
you know, they were young people once.
Speaker 4 (35:28):
As well, exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
And I think that's when I realized my mum was
kind of awesome, because I thought she would come railing,
raining the hell fire on me for something once and
she was just like, it's all got a bit much,
hasn't it.
Speaker 4 (35:39):
She was lovely like mine mum. We were very lucky people.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
We were, indeed, Sarah, lovely to see you.
Speaker 4 (35:45):
Nice to see you too, and yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:47):
We'll catch you next and look forward to next time.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Thanks for all your feedback, by the way, people, and
I do like to sort of respond to most of
the stuff that I get and unless it's purely hate mail,
but anyway, none of that. Today, it's twelve minutes to six.
We're catching up with Superman Christopher Reeve for the Sports
Rap and just a moment news talk.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Sa'd be For more from the Weekend Collective.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Listen live to Newstalkzedbe weekends from three pm, or follow
the podcast on iHeartRadio.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Betrayal Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. If you would like to share your story, you can reach out to the Betrayal Team by emailing them at betrayalpod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram at @betrayalpod and @glasspodcasts. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations, and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience, and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack.