December 10, 2019 • 56 mins
Small Town Skater Kids; Blindfolded Strangers Led On A Guided Tour; Low-balling Appraiser With Suspicious Experts.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This cold Stratton
here stepping in yet again for Kevin Pollock, who is
off filming The Grumpy Old Men prequels Slightly Irritable Babies.
Let's meet our alchemist, Shelley in no particular order, say
hello to Vanessa Ragland Vanessa quere in the world is Carmen,
San Diego, Australia. I to do it. It's hard to
(00:24):
get back together. Next up, it's everyone's favorite roller rink,
Caroline Cotter. Caroline, do you ever skate backwards? Well, of
course I'm the rank. I do it all. It's going
to be well rounded on the rink. Everybody says that.
Oh it's the pinball wizard himself, Chris Alvarado. Chris, how
(00:45):
the heck do you get multiball tilt? You the machine?
Really mess the machine up? By doing that, you take
a risk, but it pays off. Sometimes it's the man
with a million phobias, James Heney. He need what doesn't
scare you? You know what doesn't scare me? Under the covers,
when you can't see anything outside, it can't hurt you.
(01:09):
That's fair. Looking at the world classic method, you'd be
surprised what I've doned under the covers. Okay, and finally
he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Brad Norman, Hello Brad, what in the world brought you
to Reno? Oh? Man, I just I was actually going
to a clinic to have my um, to have my
(01:31):
sideburns lengthened, and um, they messed it up when I
was under anesthesia. They put some more chest hair in.
But I don't know, I just feel manly or now nice. Yeah,
we can. We can all feel it. We don't want
to say anything, but now that you pointed it out,
the test Townstone is yeah, I just feel Yeah, I
just feel more in the traditional sense. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Well,
(01:52):
we would like to invite you all to become a
v i P member on our new Patreon page. Bonus
episodes are available to not availble to not members, and
there's a fun just for v i P S where
you can leave a message, be a question or request
or whatever. We'll reply at our regular video Q and
A with the Alchemists at Kevin's house not my house,
because apartment like a really nice party. I've known you
(02:18):
for over ten years and never once have I been
invited over. I don't have an apartment outside my car.
A couple of nights the party was going. Well, there's
all sorts of cool ship though. That's the main thing
for v I P. So please join our super core
fans by going to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this
well my oh no, and she'll mail it to new
(02:45):
v I P members. People will be into that, for
I never said that Vanessa nice insane? All right, well,
let's get to it. I'll love Today's scenes. Suggestions were
gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
(03:05):
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Kyle, who wrote, Hey,
dudes and dolls, I've never heard that before. I'd love
to hear a scene about a group of delinquent skater
kids hanging out in their small town. What hydrinks will
they get into? Who will try to stop them? Why
is pizza so delicious? All these questions and more I
(03:27):
put before your brilliant brains to answer. Godspeed, my ducklings.
I got like seven bucks. I stole it from my stepdads.
So if we wanted to try to buy a forty
l or something like that, we can ask somebody to
buy us something. Yes, that is so ill, dude. There's
no loitering. Oh and I didn't say skateboarding was a crime.
(03:52):
I said loitering about to start skateboarding, Mrs Anderson. Yes,
we don't want to be rude, but at we're gonna
have to be because are you wait wait I haven't
even gotten to it yet. Oh you we're skateboarders now,
like for real, look at the four wheels. We made
a commitment and that means the commitment commitment to anarchy. Kids,
(04:15):
And we're gonna have to put wax on these stairs. No,
we're gonna slip. No, no, that's the opposite. It will
actually probably grip better. Sometimes it's better grip on a surfboard.
But this wax is gonna make it so we can slide.
Let's get out of my way. No can do Mrs
Anderson skater or die or die? Skate here? Kick my board? Then, miss, wait,
(04:38):
what do you do? I want to see your skate
or doesn't skate or die? I'm gonna try to tread. Okay,
let's see. Oh hey, that's on you. Man. Why did
you give your board? Yeah, you just bought that, bro
I said, we said skater or die. We had to
let her show up or put up. Yeah, but we
(04:59):
have a worth skateboard for that purpose. And look, I
don't want to be this guy, but rat, I think
you're out of the game. Man, but I'm the best
skiing revolves anymore. You're out of the gang. Take your
pants off, walk away, okay, and I have to kiss
your butt? Yeah, asked by don't it's not you're not
(05:19):
part of it. Just let kiss give me one second. Whoa,
it looks like the butt kiss back. Hey, shut up, dude.
Well I'm just saying I can observe you can observe it.
It just feels like you were saying something else. Want
to get a new skateboard and then I can be
back in the game. I don't think so it works
that way. Well, you know you can't get into the
game if you kiss Chads but and then his butt
(05:42):
kisses my But yes, that's the only way back in
hard pass. Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt this butt
kissing going on. Is this the address of Mrs Anderson? Yeah? Hi,
I'm Tony Hawk, you first skating phenomen has been getting
around and I'd like to invite her to the X game.
Do you know what? She'll be home? How did you
see her? How do you know about this? It's everywhere
(06:03):
pumping up your phone getting alert train. I don't have
a phone. I have my mom's phone. It's blocked. She
blocked ESPN from her phone. Damn. All right, well you're
Tony Hawks and we totally trust you. Hey, while you're here,
can we audition for the xprees please? I prepared a song? Alright,
I mean, I guess. I mean at six seven, I
(06:26):
love to skateboard, watch wax a bowl and kiss my butt.
Yeah you think you know? That's uh, it's really it's
really good. Yeah. H you got a tattoo on your cheek?
(06:46):
Yeah I did. I got it while I was moving
to Whoa. Yeah, and guess what? You can call up
Randall Park Elementary School in town to kiss my harry
ass because I have never felt this alive. Who are you?
Oh God, it's it's really gushing, m Sir Tony Hawk.
(07:07):
Who is that? He's probably the best skateboarder has ever lived,
and that ever lives? Look, I'm here on behalf of
the X Games. What's that? It's an extreme competition that
you might send ESPN eight. Okay, anyways, we'd love for
you to compete words everywhere. Oh my gosh, you're losing
a lot of I got some tampons. Here we go, Dad, Dad,
(07:33):
do you mind if I erupt your work on the car?
I guess is there any like chores I could do?
So maybe I could get some money. I need to
hold on. Let me get out from under the dots
in before I listen to your whining. It's not whining, Dad,
It's important, all right. Tell me what the problem is, Jeremy.
What is the problem today? Someone stole my skateboard? Your skateboard.
(07:54):
Someone stole my skateboard, and I need to make money
so I can get a new one. Okay, So how
much money are we talking about? Like eighty five dollars
minimal et five dollars for a skateboard? Need five dollars
for a plank with wheels? Well, it's gotta have good wheels,
it's gotta have good bearings. It's gotta be a good
I mean, what do you want? Bad grip tape? And
I hurt myself and I could never skate again to
(08:14):
you know, Normally this would be a situation where I would,
you know, build one with you, and we'd bond and
build our castle of friendship brick by brick. But because
of your defensive tone, I don't think I'm gonna do no, no, no, no, Dad, Dad,
I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. Let's
build a skateboard. I know it doesn't seem like you're
very genuine about no dabt what you want me to do?
You mean you want to kiss my boy? Excuse me?
(08:37):
Oh in mind, it might be might be a friend thing. Yeah. Look,
look when I was your age, I was anti establishment,
very punk rock minded. It's true. And I wasn't always
the manager of a subway that you see but here
before you today. You know, I was the kind of
guy that was like f the establishment effort in the A. Wow,
(09:00):
you know, did you were skateboard? Well, well, yes I
did skateboard, but back then, when they were shoes, we
call them roller skates, recursor to roller blades, obviously, roller
blades being the more metro sexual version of a race
no idea. Yeah, yeah, skateboards came on a little a
little later, after, after a lot of well after a
(09:23):
lot of immigrants moved to the country. My guys hanging
out in here. Mom, this is a this is you
guys trading stories. You're bonding. You know dad used to
be a roller skater. Oh yeah, when I met your dad,
the hottest thing on eight wheels. This was back in
the days of disco, mind you that way. And his
hair was so flowing. It wasn't bald like he used
(09:47):
to be a not unattractive man. I let my sideburns
grow into my mustache. Wow, I was like a disco wolverine.
I'm getting used to have your old streets. Look at
that guy across the rink. He's dreaming. I'm going up there,
are you sure? Yeah? Okay, make me make me look better.
(10:11):
I don't know if we can. I'm so sorry, but
you're the ugliest girl here. Help me, help me. It's
just that your eyeball is like almost fully out of
your skull, right, and the other one is gone. Yeah,
if there's anything wrong with that, if you like to
me though, okay, yeah, I mean, how good person? Yeah
it's true. Okay, set high, sweetheart. Um, I brought us
(10:33):
some lemonades. Thanks. I just want to say, like, it
is so nice to be the sexiest girl here with
the sexiest guy here. Oh well, you know what can
I say? When you grow eas side burns down into
your mustache, people pay attention. It popped back in? What
(10:53):
my eyeball popped back in? The better to see you with?
And then of you are? You are swelling a lot locally?
What I could do with that? It's a lot of
enraged tissue around your eyesand we help you. Creepy couples only,
creepy couples only. Next gap, Barbie, Well, I guess since
(11:17):
it is creepy couples only, we may as well skate together.
I mean, plus, I wouldn't mind the hotter girls here
seeing me with an ugo. Wow, it's such a romantic story.
I never heard about how you lost your eye in
the first place. Mom, Oh, I never knew. You didn't
know you lost yourraw. I mean, I knew it happened,
(11:37):
but I never knew how it used to happen a
lot in this town until we switched from Wellwater. Hey,
right right, rat what we didn't name him wrap that's
my nickname. I'm sorry, but in this garage. Is this
one of your skater friends? Hi? Started, we have some
(11:58):
really big news. Tony Hawk came down to Mrs Anderson's place.
She's gonna go in the X Games, and she asked
us to back her up. But you need a board.
You don't like skateboard anymore. I'm a roller skater. No, dude,
definitely not kill yourself. Wait a minute, are you talking
about Linda Anderson? Anderson, we don't know. We don't talk
(12:24):
about her. Yeah, we don't. We we don't talk about
her in this Oh, the whole town talks about her.
She used to be the hottest woman in all the city.
They say, that's a little bit of embellishment. Someone says
she used to go to the skate ring and then
one day she was pushed far far away. Yeah that's
not true. Get out of here, give me some room.
(12:44):
So are you in or not? I don't know. I'm
really torn right now. I feel like in my blood
I'm supposed to be a roller skater. What and you
guys kicking out of the band and you kissed my butt?
You know what? Then bring your roller skates to the
X Games? Yeah? Will cool? Well, then I guess do
(13:07):
you any snacks. Yes, welcome back to the fort annual
X Games. I'm your color man, Gabe Kapler. You can't
say that anymore, Gabe. No, it means anecdotal things about
the athlete. I don't think you could say that, Gabe.
(13:28):
Why don't you smoke? My half pipe gets I'll hit
it again. Okay, good good, Oh we're live. We're very live. Okay,
let's get to the first competitors there. We got a
wonderful new competitor here, Linda Anderson. Okay, I'm gonna go
down and then I'm gonna go up in the air.
(13:50):
That's the plan. I'm gonna. I'm gonna, you know, I
just feel it out there. Do you need to know
the plan? Or do I just go for it? She
just go for but it looks like she's gonna try
the tough down and then up in the air, move
having fun, and she nails it. She nails it. Steve Signals.
(14:16):
I'm down here on pet pipe side with Linda Anderson,
who just did a major shred on the half pipe
here for the Monster Energy Red Bull Energy Monster Energy
X Games. Um, Linda, how do you feel about that
double alley and triple Mick sticky you pulled off. Oh yeah,
I love that you guys name those Uh. I feel awesome.
I you know I I've never felt better. I um,
(14:39):
I want to I want to have an orgasm extreme
He's here's the replay. Now. As you're watching the replay,
you can see Linda totally blowing everybody's tits off right here. Whoa, yeah,
that is the most titty explosion. He don't get nervous, man,
your next I need really nervous. When you said don't
get nervous, that just made me really nervou That was
(15:00):
my look. No matter what happens. Oho, oh alright, go
punch my, but just turn around next step. You've got
a trio of local kids that somehow weasel their way
into the X game. There's been a correction. It's only
(15:22):
a duo because one of our trio is now a
solo act act. Thank you, You're welcome. Okay, okay, Well
we'll just row with it. That it may affect double
double Ali back flip on the burger side. On the
(15:43):
burger side. You know that's a hard one for me.
I don't give a ship, dude. Damn tough love is
turning me one on the burger nice met a half
pipe side. I'm just finishing up with this great routine
(16:05):
from this duo that used to be a trio and
they're totally making out and it looked like they were
gonna pork for a second, but they backed up. Hey, guys,
how do you feel about that run? That run was
psycho sexy. My penis is a good. Yeah. This is
my third boner ever and it's my best one. I mean,
the music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers could be sports.
That's what you guys just did. Thanks so much if
(16:27):
you get us, Yeah, totally. Um so, so, how do
mean how do you feel what's next for you? Guys? Well, first,
we're gonna boo Rat as he goes down the half
pipe because he's a skater. Right, Well, let's go to
the tape. You can see here in the replay that
right here, at the top of both of their arch jumps,
they're looking longingly into each other's eyes. That trick is
called a sophie's choice, and it is extremely difficult to
(16:49):
do with one person, let alone too. You can really
feel the magnetism there. You can. Can you hear me
in the booth again? You can you feel. I mean, man,
that could be a sweet meme. You know what I'm saying,
Like that is real. You cannot fake that, do you know.
I'm sorry to interrupt. We just got word at approximately
four or forty five this afternoon, Tony Hawk passed at
(17:11):
Mercy General Hospital. And now, in honor of Tony Hawk's demise,
the X Games would like to create a moment of
air horns. Now we got a kid that wants to
(17:31):
roller skate. It seems really inappropriate at this moment, but
we'll go ahead and Tony, let's have the roller skater.
I don't know if I should be doing the stat
I feel like, really this is a bad choice. Tony
Hawk just died and I got roller skates. Well, I mean,
if you feel like it's a bad idea, maybe we
should just go to Carl's Jr. Mom, if you feel
(17:55):
like it's a bad idea, and you want me to
tell you when I felt like something was a bad
idea when I was roller skating up to your father
with my eyeball hanging out and the hottest girl in
the room was looking at me. But guess what I fell.
I bought Pops back in Banks cover the gaping eye
hole on the other side, and nine months later you're born.
(18:17):
Who all right, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm
gonna escape roller skate down. That's right, do it for
the unprotected sex that created you. Good luck. Can I
have your board? Dude? Fuck? No ship? Yeah you suck?
(18:38):
Can I have your board? Fuck? All right? Here we go? Three? Two?
We Oh my god. I can't tell if he's having
fun or squeeling like a pig, but he's surely doing
(19:01):
something out there. Steve, you have any inside into this
Travis d we just witness? Oh yeah, actually, yeah, here
I'm I'm still here, live next to the half pipe.
I'm about to talk to this skater. Hey man, um,
what the funk was that? Bro? It was so crazy?
I thought the wind in my hair it was awesome.
I tried to get a board, but my friends aren't
my friends anymore and wouldn't give it to me. Whoa
(19:22):
I mean, let's go to the tape. You can see
here in the replay that he actually overcomes his preteen
awkwardness right in the middle of his second dive. Now,
that is a stunt and a trick that is commonly
known as the the grassy okay, so so, and that
it's an extremely hard trick to do. It's a classic trick.
It's one of those tricks that's like kind of like
a callback, you know, like something that was really cool
back in the day when Tony Hawk r I. P
(19:45):
um was h was was doing his thing. You know,
we haven't seen that trick in a long time. And
some very classic moves. What do you got rested in
store for us today? I think I'm gonna try roller
skating on a skateboard. Roller skating on a skateboard. I'm
alread interrupted discout word that the X Games passed at
five o'clock today after that routine, and that's our first.
(20:15):
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(20:58):
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(21:50):
All right, let's get to our second seed and thank you.
Bomba's uh see two comes from Sarah, who wrote, Hi, everyone,
Bravo everyone, the show just keeps getting better and better.
Here's an idea for your consideration. A luxury tour guide
leads a group of blindfolded strangers to a surprise destination.
There's a catch from the destination isn't exactly what they anticipated.
(22:11):
I hope this makes the cut. I would love to
hear what you all do with it. Thanks Sarah. Alright, folks,
if you just make sure that you can't see beyond
your blindfolds. Okay, the roads a little rocky here, but
I guarantee you this is the best bare experience in
all of India. I have a rock in my shoe.
That's all right, just walk it off. Will you take
(22:33):
it out for me? I sure can hold still. Just
put your hand on my shoulder, and sweetheart, I'm scared.
I'm not scared anything. Why are you scared? It is
you I'm touching, It's not me, it's my leg. Hi,
how you got that. It's good. Can I have the rock? Yeah,
(22:53):
I'm gonna put it right here in your back pocket. Okay, okay,
and I'm doing this with Tweezers, so I'm not actually
touching you. Okay. Great is de end just by the way.
I love the feeling of your legs. I'm Mrs de Paul.
I'm Jake DePaul. I took her last and I look.
I would remind you guys in the tour group to
not remove your blindfolds. You're allowed to touch each other's faces,
but not see each other's faces until we get to
(23:14):
the clearing. And if you just want to touch my face,
absolutely Jake's okay. Um my name is Clarissa. You're making
that up. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll tell you my real name.
It's um rock Sounds. What is it? Rock rock pocket?
(23:36):
I'm sorry. I'm in a bad mood. Okay, folks. This
next part of the trails a little uphill, so just
make sure that you hold out of your buddy, lower
your center of gravity. How do we do that? Oh well,
just you just crouch down just a teeny bit, so
you don't I got on all four. We're going to
get right up to the top of this hill experience.
I'm okay, Luck is bringing us of fast can't wait.
(24:02):
We got ourselves real good human train that hunger. Will
you do anything? Oh? Not just anything? My favorite is
Oh I like to eat people? My favorite due excuse me, um,
troubled guys, Yes, question, Um, I don't understand how this
(24:22):
is supposed to uh respark the flame in my marriage. Oh,
you know, we can't. We don't actually guarantee that you'll
feel better about the person that you're with after this tour,
I said, we don't actually guarantee that you'll feel better
about the person that you're spending your life. And what
this tour, baby, Jake, this conversation is not a tune on.
I can tell you actually from experience that this that
(24:44):
the bare experience here in Indiana does build intimacy between
sister gendered couples. Okay, and it seems like a rock
pocket is all over our couple. I'm sorry I'm writing her. Yes,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm getting in between this
even your face. But I just love your energy and
(25:05):
I love yours too. If I can be honest, I
feel honest with my eyes closed and blindfolded ahead. My
husband left me. Oh this morning? Where did he go?
And chip? Um no, he said, I'm divorcing you now,
Mr Pocket? No, absolutely no warning, just Pocket. Well I'm sorry,
like he's It was like comma, Mr Pocket. He didn't
(25:28):
call me Mr p You have a broad back, but
a thin waste. Thank you. I used to be a
football player. They're coming over the ridge. You know what,
what's your favorite part about eating a person? Did you
ever did using their bones and falls from teeth? Was good?
What is it? Oh? No, what that's a rock? Pocket?
(25:49):
What about it? I used to date her? You did?
Then she gets she settled down with Ronald Pocket and
uh damn it. I don't know. I'll eat you don't
have to. That's kind of worse, I think in some ways, Well,
then you should eat her. I don't know. I don't know.
I got to eat some people. I don't I've got
(26:11):
to get ready for hibernation. I'm not gonna deal this bullshit.
I understand. I understand the point you're making. Yeah, alright, bears,
bears the human you're coming up over the hill. Time
to put out your blindfolds. What you know is part
of the experience. If they're blindfolded, you all got to
be blindfolded. You shouldn't blind phoned from the beginning, so
I didn't have this problem that I currently face. What's
the problem. I know what I want to say? Data
(26:34):
rock Pocket? Oh this is the rock Pocket thought. I
keep telling you stories, you goddamn heart. That's right as
you dude. Oh my god, I know I'm really cool flacking. Alright, fine, alright, folks,
just hold on to your buddy. I'm gonna lead you
into the clearing And on account will you take an
Instagram video with my phone? It's in my broth. Well,
you're to remove your blindfold. It's on account of purple
(26:54):
ready yellow. I didn't when we're gonna get to pimple, magenta, purple.
I'm so sorry. This is Can I touch? Do I
(27:16):
permission to touch? Well? I mean, when you're when you're
trying to approach a bear, you want to make sure
that you're approaching very respectfully. If I've had sex with
one of them before, excuse me, what if I sucked
a bear before one of these bears? Sorry, bears, take
your blindfolds off. On the count of fish, one fish?
Oh my, what's going on? I have an erection, I know,
(27:41):
Good God, thank you. Listen, folks, I'm not going to
pretend that this isn't like a very weird situation, even
for a guy that's around bear tours in Indiana for gears,
you know. But I you know, I do respect nature,
and I don't think we should stand in the way.
If you need to talk to this bear about what
happened between you two, then I think we should maybe
put some time aside tore to you because Nature's way,
(28:01):
and I learned anything from Jacques Coustill. We must not
interfere with nature. Fairness, Thank you so much. Sure. Yeah,
here's a juice box. Reach you guys if you go
in Rock. I've been really bad. Actually, if I'm being honest,
meet you, I haven't been great, A really dirt mouth.
(28:23):
Much to your honey book it well you weren't for
a long time. So no, but I think now my
husband just left me, so yes, you can be again.
But you can. Sorry, didn't intervene, but he's calling your
rock pocket that's your married name. Did you have an
affair with this Yesta? Oh my god, this cannot be
(28:49):
happy to me on a Monday. That just divorced. You
just said it's my name is Ronald Pockets. Hi, everybody,
pleasure to meet you. How do you do Hi, dirt mouth?
If you ate Ronald Pockets, Yeah, probably shouldn't have eaten
(29:14):
himself as probably wait thirty minutes before I go swimming.
You don't have to go swimming. I don't know. You
don't have to go swimming after you eat. I wear
whatever without you over so large? Oh my god, so great.
That seems like it's kind of resolved. Rock. I love you.
(29:41):
I made a mistake. Oh my god, Ronald, I know
most of me is now torn. Yes, it looks so gross.
Will you have me back? Make a decision? Be behind?
Got eaten twice? What the hell? Why do you have
(30:01):
my sloppy seconds? I'm sorry, I'm so hungry and all
this talking is making me angry. I gotta get to
sleep for winter. That's that's true. The bears do have
to get to sleep, everybody. So you could just pair
him with a bear and he can partially or fully
devour you and the blood will make the crops grow.
Is this what you want? Baby? No, Jacky, no what
you want? I guess I wanted to go on a
(30:22):
luxury too. Wasn't thinking it would be a thing like
this is thinking so far some Instagram moments. But I'll
do anything for you. By the way, folks, if you
have signed up for the Bear Fear Experience, I have
provided you with knives in your back pockets. Damn it.
(30:44):
I've made my way through two bears for you, and
I'll make my way through every bear in this whole
fucking state. I don't know. You're just a head and
arms right now. You killed rubble to Oh my god,
you know I'm gonna take off my ranger hat here
(31:04):
for a second, ma'am, and I'm just gonna break down
because I was trying to be very professional about this,
but twice partially digested man just asked to have you
back in his life and you are still on the fence,
And personally, I think that's crazy. If you were on
Twitter and I was on Twitter and I saw who
you were on Twitter, fun with you on Twitter? Excuse me, said,
(31:30):
beg your partner. I'm fully transgendered. I can't be a misogynist.
What are you talking about? A rough fuck it? Kiss me?
God damn it, Ronald, I am only eyes and the
(31:54):
man's literally got his heart on his sleep. That doesn't
mean just love him, ranger, I don't know. I still
don't know. What do you mean? You don't know? This
man a slow trip to three bear anesses for you.
This morning he tried to divorce me. I don't know.
What are you doing? I mean to ride away? I'm
(32:16):
the bear. Now you're the be. Now you don't have
to swim? Dad? Does this happen often? Actually no, it's
a bear is actually an acronym for like big egalitarian
agricultural retreat. I mean, I I don't, I don't, so
this is actually this way off base, way off base.
But I mean, you can't stop love. If there's one
(32:37):
undeniable force in the universe, it's weather. But there's also
love to be considered in that respect. And I'm a ranger.
I'm I'm I'm charged by the state and federal agencies
to protect love. So they're just gonna go off into
the wilderness. Well, nature has them. Now you know, there's
a chance, there's all if you actually read the bottom
(32:59):
of the waiver that you signed to go on this trip,
there is a chance that one of you could become
a bear or decide to live a bear lifestyle. Yeah,
you could love with loose Oh gosh, kill the wonder fish?
How about would have to learn the ways of the bear. Look,
I'm gonna be be honest. I haven't been happy or
(33:19):
felt joy in a very long time. If you'll have
me as a bear, I'll do my best to be
a good boy bear. Can that be a good boy
bear bear? That one's dead? Donlan Living Barrier. Yeah, I
love to have you this bears. Oh yeah, what we're
(33:43):
gonna do? Where to put your remaining lips and eyes
into rubble tom here he'll take over his body. Stranger
diggs have happened. I mean they made stars and all
those Sharman fucks. Stranger things could happen. I'm gonna go
ahead and show your eyes in here, show your lips
on a new god. Nature is wonderful, are you? Yeah?
(34:09):
I want to eat you? Oh yeah, I know you
want to eat me. But just seriously, you you don't
want to eat me. I'm on so many drugs I
would make you sick. Yeah. So, and plus I'm the
one who brings all the tours in, so you know
you don't really want me, you know, And you want
to keep this forest nice and you know haunted, don't you?
I mean, I want to I want to make sure
(34:30):
that I'm doing my job as rangers. So you probably
want to let me pass to write a passage pocket.
M hmm. Okay, take it easy, take it easy now. Listen, guys,
listen like you know me. Okay, I'm the transgender ranger
that brings people here for you to eat such a
weird day under an acronymic experience. Okay, but like so,
(34:51):
so if we're gonna keep this thing going, you don't
want to eat me? Do you understand? Excuse us? How
do we catch you salmon? It sounds like you're depart me, guys,
I have another chore to get to. Um so what
is that bad human teeth? Maybe? Oh god, damn it,
I don't know. I don't. Okay, sing it to me.
(35:13):
Maybe this is the thing I don't If you're going
to be okay, listen, if someone says they're going to
sing you a song, no, I just wrote the song, okay,
then oh yeah, all right? Could even what whoever you want?
All if I just maybe if I hand you this paper,
you can you can sing it for me? Do you best?
Dig I bet you have a good voice. Oh stop, um,
(35:36):
bad handwriting, Baby, I love you? What do you think
it's coming from her? So? I love you too. That's
what I was really hoping would happen. I think you
get eating gun eaten by a bear. I saw it.
(35:59):
I think we got everything got crazy? Did range ago?
He has another tour which lunchtime? Sure that scene over
(36:27):
our final scene is from Andrew, who wrote, Hello alchemists,
my name's Andrew, and insert story about monotonous work suggestions.
My job is boring. I have some scene suggestions with
television shows as the basis pawn shop TV show proprietor
keeps low balling items brought in and brings the suspiciously
(36:48):
specific experts for items they aren't familiar with to value them.
Maybe one of them is legitimately cursed. H yeah, I
want to try to get this this item appraised. It's
a super Bowl eight championship ring. Okay, let me take
a look at this. Yeah, super Bowl eight, super Bowl eight,
So you know they get more valuable with the bigger
than number, right, So I don't know, I'd give you
(37:12):
fifteen bucks. This is this is super Bowl eight championship ring.
I mean it was stolen from the dead finger of
a center tackle. Well, okay, okay, okay, let me just
bring Jim McMahon out here. Jim, not Jim, Jim. Yeah,
how's it going, Jim? Could you take a look at
this super Bowl eight? You sure you don't want Jimifer
(37:35):
to take a look at this, said Jim, I'll just
miss hard. I was on my I'm not mistaken. You
played professional football, right, yes, like quarterback the eighty four
Chicago Bears. Would you mind taking a look at this
ring and telling me if you think it's worth more
than fifteen bucks? Let me see a super Bowl eight?
Huh yeah, super Bowl eight. You know they're more valuable
to hire the number. But the whole thing about eight
(37:57):
little circles, I didn't take that into a good call, Jim.
If he Jim, what do you think that's tough? Let
me look at it the center snow if you got
yourself from night, that's true, that's just right true. Let
me look at this underneath the light here. Oh yeah,
this is this is the legitimately super Bowl eight r Yeah,
(38:18):
that's real, Amethyst. Was this taken off to the center
of a dead dead center center tackle? Yeah, you could
tell by the girth here of the rings. Actually, my
finger nails are so dirty from the grave robbing. So
you're saying fifteen bucks maybe tops on this one. I
don't know. I'm going to leave it up to you, Jim.
(38:41):
You know, I think we could go upwards. What do
you do? What do you think? What do you think? Jimployees?
I'm sorry, how about this kind of three? Will say
the numbers that we're both thinking? It's not good? Can
I just say one more thing? The count of three?
You give us the number also that you were thinking? Okay,
maybe can I make one additional suggestion? Maybe on the
count of eight? That's cute? But why don't you also
(39:03):
doing the end? I'll do the counting one to three, four, five, six, seven,
eight dollars? What what did you because that was the
number on my month and you said, I said sixteen.
You know what, I'll take six times store credit, store credit, sixteen,
I'll take sixtdit I don't care if you're a teenager.
(39:25):
Hold my hand so embarrassing over here? You're hurting me.
Hi can help you, guys? Yes? Hi? Um? How much
can I get for a brat daughter? Stop it? A
brat daughter? What's her age's? Hey, how much do you
weigh your right handed or left handed? That actually counts
(39:46):
a lot more than you think. I weigh a hundred
pounds and I'm left handed, left handed. Can you give
me a breakdown of her genealogy, like where she descends from?
Why are you talking to my mom? Like I'm not
even here? I'm sorry what I'm dealing with? That? I'm sorry?
Can you ask about ta sax uh ty sex? Yeah?
(40:07):
If if, if she has ta sax? I can hear
all of you a holes what I'm talking about. Yes,
that's what I'm working with. By the way, is that
a Super Bowl eight ring over there? Yes? It is.
Actually it can be be purchased for eighteen dollars. Wow,
I mean that was the Vikings versus the Dolphins. Actually
it was the Dolphins versus the Nancy's, The Philadelphia Nancy's
(40:27):
says on the ring. Okay, can I go home? I
don't know. I don't know. Depends on what kind of
price I get here on the internet. So you're seeing
your daughter is thirteen, she's a hundred pounds approximately, left hand,
left handed, and full of pissing vinegar. Frankly, excuse me.
I'm right here. So you would you say that maybe
it's like an Eastern European or like a like a
(40:48):
British descent, that that your family comes from. Yeah, something
like that, you wish, mom, or anything like we don't
know her father. Frankly, you don't know. Okay, whose fault?
Oh surprise, we got Brady as daughter. A DNA swapper.
Just check out as you're doing. It's a little bit
(41:10):
about me. I was a party animal, um, so I
had many, many partners, and this is the result. So
lesson learned, lesson learned. Well, you know, it's actually been
kind of a trend lately for designer children, kind of
like like labradoodles, you know, like designer pieces everywhere. Don't
(41:31):
tell them that can talk to you for a second.
Oh yeah, sure, sure, what's up? Listen. I don't know
if you're gonna highball or low ball these guys, but
we could sell her for parts. Don't let them know,
but individual limbs. You got this terry? Al right, Well,
she does have nice hands for a young person. All right, yeah, thanks, thanks?
(41:54):
Good anyways, bring that thing's worthless. So I'll tell you what, ma'am, um,
If you're really interested in selling your order today, officer
of the law entering, here's my gun here, point going going. Okay,
oh what do we have here? A little fucking miscrant.
I smell bacon. Oh yeah, I'm a pig. I'm a pig,
and you'd be so lucky, you fucking brat that you
(42:19):
wish you were a pig. You know what you are,
your pigs, not officers. I was gonna see if you
guys were human trafficking, and you were going to get
in a lot of trouble. But now I say, good luck,
my good lady, I'm out, I mean listening. In our defense,
we're not trafficking here anywhere. We're just assessing a value
and exchanging it. Um. So here's what I'm ready to
(42:40):
do today. Okay, this without approval for my manager. All right,
we can always like sweeten the deal here. But here's
my first talk. I'm gonna say, I'll give you fifty
cents on the pound. Okay, so so probably about fifty
bucks and I'll throw in the super Bowl eight ring. Okay,
I just want to think about and this is this
(43:02):
is human trafflings off. In our defense, we are not
trafficking her anywhere. She will remain here on the retail
floor until she's not allowed to buy and sell. I
want with him with the officer, Officer of the law.
I got bad news for you, or maybe the best
news you've ever heard. I'm a woman. Listen, Officer. Can
(43:23):
I talk to you for just like it attracted to it?
You just just a quick second, Mom, you're so embarrassing
you are you stay where you are and that's in order. Officer,
would you mind just just give me a second here.
You don't tell me what to do. Alright, alright, it's
my pawn shops, but actually you can make the rules. Look,
(43:43):
I'm about to close a major deal here. We have
been trying to unload the Super Bowl eight ring. You
know what I'm saying. All you have to do is
agree to these and we will make sure that your
date is fully funded with gift certificates and Uber ricks.
You're gonna take a kid off my hands. I don't
want to be a step You know. The funniest part
about it is we're going to take the hands off
(44:04):
the kid too. I know, yeah, it's it's it's a
Super Bowl ray still viable, Still viable. I brought you
want to take this one. But I brought you some
more piston vinegar here, I put it, mixed it up good.
I want that Super Bowl roote. Oh my god, this
is my math teacher. Oh my god, what are you
(44:26):
doing here? My mom's trying to sell me for how much?
Fifty bucks? I don't know. Let's all say a number,
all right, and we'll see if that number. I'm an officer.
I hope you're not up to any no good name. Now,
let's all say it. Okay, all right? Well I traditionally
count to three, if that's okay. Once in a while
was different number. But look here we go. Everybody. Everybody ready,
(44:49):
Yes to three. I heard a lot of different things. Yeah,
I want I said five? Said handful of ship? Do
you want to sell yourself for five dollars? Yeah? Why
not have a little self worth? Shut? This is part
of the problem. If I knew my dad, I would
(45:09):
have a lot more self Well you knew your dad,
you would recognize that he is a kingpin. We won
a kingpin of what. Mom? You're such a little ding
dong bing. Okay, don't talk to your mother like that.
Don't don't your mother. Oh pig, he's getting that Piggy's
about to stick a little snout up your ass. Yeah,
(45:32):
you would like that. You per scare her straight, scare
her straight, and then you know what's going to happen
to you next? What I'm gonna eat your toenails? Good
luck and a total of four toes. Well, then guess
what I'm gonna do next? Instead, what I'm gonna lock
you up in a little baby pig cell. I would
love for you do that, because one of my greatest
(45:53):
skills is slipping out of small space. It is you
got yourself a great a brat here like a bone.
Her father was a kingpin, though wait, well I don't
know exactly which kingpin he was, because I slept with
a lot of people the year she was born shut
most of them were sing my mom, oh so so
(46:13):
possibly of Hispanic descent, most not all so possibly for sure. Well,
you know, bits and jiggles, let's just speed this up.
I'm going to give the Super Bowl ring for the
Piston vinegar. It's a deal that I had mentioned earlier
and you have been talking about that and it wasn't worth.
We'll give a full hundred dollars and we're going to
(46:35):
take this girl Yeah, that's all right. I mean that's good, folks.
I just want to remind you this all may seem
a little chaotic, but this kind of free market exchange
is what makes this country great. I'm gonna make your
life a limit. Thank you so much for this brain
that kingpin can't wait to get it. Well, here's your
here's your stuff. I put all your belongings in a
(46:56):
zip block back and don't worry, man, We'll make sure
she has some room to like run and dig. Six
toothbrushes in here, Yeah, that'd be plenty. Are you gonna
miss me? No, you just sold me at a pawn
shop before that, would you have missed me? Oh? Oh heyyyy,
fight those feelings. I'm taking you to soup plantation. Okay, So, wow,
(47:21):
you work at a pawn shop. What's that like? It's
pretty sophisticated. It do anything crazy like crazy? Stuff happened
like crazy the whole market, like the Nastack and the down,
and you did it on a smaller scale. Anybody need
to tap up on their soup little Yeah, sure, I'll
take another scoop to in my bread bowl. Okay, would
(47:42):
you like a chowder on tap or a split peak,
just a chowder and maybe a little splash of splip
so bad. So, so what were those words you're saying?
Was that Chinese nastack? Now? What was that stock? Stuff?
But it's like a stock market at a really stock
Chinese words? You mean the pretty much pretty much? So
(48:03):
tell me, like, the craziest thing that's ever happened? Why
don't you pick that bowl up? Slurp it down? And
why don't we get out of here? Wow? I like
how forward you are? You certainly negotiating it all day,
all day, but I've got better ideas. Okay, Well, grete gal,
you need another later, fool. Actually no, I don't think
I should eat anything else stop At this point, I'm
(48:26):
trying to get this date, wrapp. I've had a lot
of creamy soups already today, this week, entire something. Wow,
So you brought your date in? Huh? How much? How
much you asking for her? Listen and listen now, come on,
you said everything in here is for sale, Yeah, but
this is a little different. I mean, yeah, you can't
sell intimacy, okay, and we've built a lot. Really, mother
(48:49):
of Pearl, what are you thinking? Is it really Mother
of Pearl? Yeah? I know how much you love Mother
of Pearl. God damn it, let me holding a pase
no excuse me, like you know what, this is my fault.
I thought it would be really cool to get involved
(49:09):
with the guy with a mustache like yours that works
at a pawn shop like this. I thought it would
be cool. I thought it'd be like working at a
record company. Is working at Netflix? Cool like that? But well,
you know what, now it's starting to feel a little weird,
and I don't think I want to be on the
premise that I got a good deal on what you
(49:31):
whisper officer. I think I'm trying to be. I think
they're trying to barter me for a mother of Pearl
pocket knife? Is it real? Mother Pearl? I haven't seen
the knife yet. Let me see the knife. Well, now,
guess who's got themselves a mother Pearl knife? No, no,
come on, I am a dirty policious I do. And
(49:54):
they're from a hot, hot milf. Terry, Terry, can you
shred that girl in the back of the cops are here?
I heard that. Wow, you're trying to put me in
the paper strip. Hold still, your little asshole'eling Jim McMahon here,
whoa whoa about down? I came all the way from
(50:17):
the Vorst to meet Jim McMahon, my hero. That's a bear.
I know a bear when I see a bear, that's
a bear. Oh I thought he was Jim McMahon. No, no, no,
well Jim McMahan was a bear at all, fairness, But
that bear is looking for Jim McMahon. Is Jim here?
Jimmy when he went to take a smoke break. Yeah,
he's out back smoking. He's an athlete, he's shouldn't smoke.
(50:38):
Not an athlete anymore. Yeah, and he loves his vices.
I'll go to look for him out back. Wait a second,
that a motor appool. I don't even think about it. Bear,
we're looking at one of those knaves. I want one
road n Why do you have a knife. You're a bear.
You just use your teeth in your claws. Sometimes you
want to like nicely filet of fish instead of just
(50:58):
biting the head off. That takes an interesting point. You
know what I think I'm I think I'm taking my
eyes off of your date here. You're about to get
word of this little girl. Oh no, I'm not saying
anything gross Oh no, no, sir, this little girl is
not for sale. You're about to tread. She is raw
she yeah, exactly, she's raw material. We we what we
do is we buy children and then we we grind
(51:18):
them into slurry. She's got a little turned my head
at a lot. Yeah, but I can't turn my head
at that. You. I gotta shut you down. You didn't
hear him doing that before. It was vague enough that
I felt like sticking me in a paper shred. Yeah, yeah,
but he that He just really said it clearly. Can
(51:40):
I make about you again? Trying to save this child's
life and she is being an asshole. I don't like her.
I don't like her either. I'm sorry. You know, human
trafficking here, Yeah, that's low. I can't. I can't let
that out of right, and only the little girl survived.
Thank you for being here on NPR. That's our show.
(52:05):
I sounded like an MPR thing. She wrote a book. Yeah,
all right, let's thank you. To see what you're up to.
Brad Norman. Hi, I'm the voice of Bulwink on the
Adventures of Rocky and Bulliegal on Amazon Prime. And hey,
I'm active on social media, so you know it can
be my friend, it could change ideas with me. It's
(52:27):
definitely what the internet is for, exchange idea. I'd love
to join in on Brad's idea change changing ideas. Yeah,
why do we mess with February months days? It's a
leap year coming up and I had a great convo
about that with some real friends yesterday. Would love to
(52:50):
extend that to my internet family. You can follow Dynasty
Typewriter on Instagram or me, but mine is mostly boring
van us. I hope, well you really ORed out of
that must be the inside out shirt. Let's move on
(53:10):
to our ray of sunshine. Chris Aldo, you are welcome, jeez,
keep it free. Isn't you want to thank us? And
I want to say you're welcome. Oh, and I want
to say I'm going to take a boomerang and put
it on our alchemy. This instagram which you should follow,
of James doing the cutest thing ever that he did
during this episode, which was when his character was dead
(53:31):
and we tried to interact with and we did little
crosses over it because it was so cute. It was
my favorite thing. I love that You're like, no, no, no,
there's a reality of my parent that is so going
to be stolen by every podcast ever Debt James. Guys,
(53:56):
thanks for listening. If you would like to show your
support for comy this, you can go to t spring
dot com, slash slash doors, slash Alchemy Oh God actually
comes out were there's a brand new T shirt made
by the public on sale to the public. It should
(54:19):
be awesome. Just google the hardest thing ever. I'm sure
if you look up t spring dot com and look
for alchemy this you'll find it. Is it the letter
T or T E E T E E spring dot com,
slash alchemy this, slash store, slash Alchemy dash this impossible
to find. If you just look at alchemy this, you'll
(54:42):
see that there's a there's shirts up there. There's one
with the logo and then one that the fans have
made the web apparently. Finally, Caroline Cautter, I don't ever
do anything, but you can find my Instagram cotter poop.
That's it perfect, perfect help me. You can find me
(55:04):
Cold Stratton at the West Side Comedy Theater along the
start with these other people doing a pretty pretty pony
first Thursday of the month at ten pm and at
Stratton Cole at Cold Stratton on different various social media things.
Let's thank our engineer Doug Babe, our post sound design
artist Raphael Alberto. We encourage all of you to write
(55:26):
a review, tell everyone you've ever met, and write to
us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
next time, A
Welcome back to another episode of Alchemy. This cold Stratton
here stepping in yet again for Kevin Pollock, who is
off filming The Grumpy Old Men prequels Slightly Irritable Babies.
Let's meet our alchemist, Shelley in no particular order, say
hello to Vanessa Ragland Vanessa quere in the world is Carmen,
San Diego, Australia. I to do it. It's hard to
(00:24):
get back together. Next up, it's everyone's favorite roller rink,
Caroline Cotter. Caroline, do you ever skate backwards? Well, of
course I'm the rank. I do it all. It's going
to be well rounded on the rink. Everybody says that.
Oh it's the pinball wizard himself, Chris Alvarado. Chris, how
(00:45):
the heck do you get multiball tilt? You the machine?
Really mess the machine up? By doing that, you take
a risk, but it pays off. Sometimes it's the man
with a million phobias, James Heney. He need what doesn't
scare you? You know what doesn't scare me? Under the covers,
when you can't see anything outside, it can't hurt you.
(01:09):
That's fair. Looking at the world classic method, you'd be
surprised what I've doned under the covers. Okay, and finally
he killed a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Brad Norman, Hello Brad, what in the world brought you
to Reno? Oh? Man, I just I was actually going
to a clinic to have my um, to have my
(01:31):
sideburns lengthened, and um, they messed it up when I
was under anesthesia. They put some more chest hair in.
But I don't know, I just feel manly or now nice. Yeah,
we can. We can all feel it. We don't want
to say anything, but now that you pointed it out,
the test Townstone is yeah, I just feel Yeah, I
just feel more in the traditional sense. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Well,
(01:52):
we would like to invite you all to become a
v i P member on our new Patreon page. Bonus
episodes are available to not availble to not members, and
there's a fun just for v i P S where
you can leave a message, be a question or request
or whatever. We'll reply at our regular video Q and
A with the Alchemists at Kevin's house not my house,
because apartment like a really nice party. I've known you
(02:18):
for over ten years and never once have I been
invited over. I don't have an apartment outside my car.
A couple of nights the party was going. Well, there's
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for v I P. So please join our super core
fans by going to Patreon dot com slash alchemy this
well my oh no, and she'll mail it to new
(02:45):
v I P members. People will be into that, for
I never said that Vanessa nice insane? All right, well,
let's get to it. I'll love Today's scenes. Suggestions were
gathered from our listeners emails. If you'd like to submit yours,
please write to the podcast at your name here at
(03:05):
alchemy this dot com. That's your name here at alchemy
this dot com. Our first scene comes from Kyle, who wrote, Hey,
dudes and dolls, I've never heard that before. I'd love
to hear a scene about a group of delinquent skater
kids hanging out in their small town. What hydrinks will
they get into? Who will try to stop them? Why
is pizza so delicious? All these questions and more I
(03:27):
put before your brilliant brains to answer. Godspeed, my ducklings.
I got like seven bucks. I stole it from my stepdads.
So if we wanted to try to buy a forty
l or something like that, we can ask somebody to
buy us something. Yes, that is so ill, dude. There's
no loitering. Oh and I didn't say skateboarding was a crime.
(03:52):
I said loitering about to start skateboarding, Mrs Anderson. Yes,
we don't want to be rude, but at we're gonna
have to be because are you wait wait I haven't
even gotten to it yet. Oh you we're skateboarders now,
like for real, look at the four wheels. We made
a commitment and that means the commitment commitment to anarchy. Kids,
(04:15):
And we're gonna have to put wax on these stairs. No,
we're gonna slip. No, no, that's the opposite. It will
actually probably grip better. Sometimes it's better grip on a surfboard.
But this wax is gonna make it so we can slide.
Let's get out of my way. No can do Mrs
Anderson skater or die or die? Skate here? Kick my board? Then, miss, wait,
(04:38):
what do you do? I want to see your skate
or doesn't skate or die? I'm gonna try to tread. Okay,
let's see. Oh hey, that's on you. Man. Why did
you give your board? Yeah, you just bought that, bro
I said, we said skater or die. We had to
let her show up or put up. Yeah, but we
(04:59):
have a worth skateboard for that purpose. And look, I
don't want to be this guy, but rat, I think
you're out of the game. Man, but I'm the best
skiing revolves anymore. You're out of the gang. Take your
pants off, walk away, okay, and I have to kiss
your butt? Yeah, asked by don't it's not you're not
(05:19):
part of it. Just let kiss give me one second. Whoa,
it looks like the butt kiss back. Hey, shut up, dude.
Well I'm just saying I can observe you can observe it.
It just feels like you were saying something else. Want
to get a new skateboard and then I can be
back in the game. I don't think so it works
that way. Well, you know you can't get into the
game if you kiss Chads but and then his butt
(05:42):
kisses my But yes, that's the only way back in
hard pass. Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt this butt
kissing going on. Is this the address of Mrs Anderson? Yeah? Hi,
I'm Tony Hawk, you first skating phenomen has been getting
around and I'd like to invite her to the X game.
Do you know what? She'll be home? How did you
see her? How do you know about this? It's everywhere
(06:03):
pumping up your phone getting alert train. I don't have
a phone. I have my mom's phone. It's blocked. She
blocked ESPN from her phone. Damn. All right, well you're
Tony Hawks and we totally trust you. Hey, while you're here,
can we audition for the xprees please? I prepared a song? Alright,
I mean, I guess. I mean at six seven, I
(06:26):
love to skateboard, watch wax a bowl and kiss my butt.
Yeah you think you know? That's uh, it's really it's
really good. Yeah. H you got a tattoo on your cheek?
(06:46):
Yeah I did. I got it while I was moving
to Whoa. Yeah, and guess what? You can call up
Randall Park Elementary School in town to kiss my harry
ass because I have never felt this alive. Who are you?
Oh God, it's it's really gushing, m Sir Tony Hawk.
(07:07):
Who is that? He's probably the best skateboarder has ever lived,
and that ever lives? Look, I'm here on behalf of
the X Games. What's that? It's an extreme competition that
you might send ESPN eight. Okay, anyways, we'd love for
you to compete words everywhere. Oh my gosh, you're losing
a lot of I got some tampons. Here we go, Dad, Dad,
(07:33):
do you mind if I erupt your work on the car?
I guess is there any like chores I could do?
So maybe I could get some money. I need to
hold on. Let me get out from under the dots
in before I listen to your whining. It's not whining, Dad,
It's important, all right. Tell me what the problem is, Jeremy.
What is the problem today? Someone stole my skateboard? Your skateboard.
(07:54):
Someone stole my skateboard, and I need to make money
so I can get a new one. Okay, So how
much money are we talking about? Like eighty five dollars
minimal et five dollars for a skateboard? Need five dollars
for a plank with wheels? Well, it's gotta have good wheels,
it's gotta have good bearings. It's gotta be a good
I mean, what do you want? Bad grip tape? And
I hurt myself and I could never skate again to
(08:14):
you know, Normally this would be a situation where I would,
you know, build one with you, and we'd bond and
build our castle of friendship brick by brick. But because
of your defensive tone, I don't think I'm gonna do no, no, no, no, Dad, Dad,
I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. Let's
build a skateboard. I know it doesn't seem like you're
very genuine about no dabt what you want me to do?
You mean you want to kiss my boy? Excuse me?
(08:37):
Oh in mind, it might be might be a friend thing. Yeah. Look,
look when I was your age, I was anti establishment,
very punk rock minded. It's true. And I wasn't always
the manager of a subway that you see but here
before you today. You know, I was the kind of
guy that was like f the establishment effort in the A. Wow,
(09:00):
you know, did you were skateboard? Well, well, yes I
did skateboard, but back then, when they were shoes, we
call them roller skates, recursor to roller blades, obviously, roller
blades being the more metro sexual version of a race
no idea. Yeah, yeah, skateboards came on a little a
little later, after, after a lot of well after a
(09:23):
lot of immigrants moved to the country. My guys hanging
out in here. Mom, this is a this is you
guys trading stories. You're bonding. You know dad used to
be a roller skater. Oh yeah, when I met your dad,
the hottest thing on eight wheels. This was back in
the days of disco, mind you that way. And his
hair was so flowing. It wasn't bald like he used
(09:47):
to be a not unattractive man. I let my sideburns
grow into my mustache. Wow, I was like a disco wolverine.
I'm getting used to have your old streets. Look at
that guy across the rink. He's dreaming. I'm going up there,
are you sure? Yeah? Okay, make me make me look better.
(10:11):
I don't know if we can. I'm so sorry, but
you're the ugliest girl here. Help me, help me. It's
just that your eyeball is like almost fully out of
your skull, right, and the other one is gone. Yeah,
if there's anything wrong with that, if you like to
me though, okay, yeah, I mean, how good person? Yeah
it's true. Okay, set high, sweetheart. Um, I brought us
(10:33):
some lemonades. Thanks. I just want to say, like, it
is so nice to be the sexiest girl here with
the sexiest guy here. Oh well, you know what can
I say? When you grow eas side burns down into
your mustache, people pay attention. It popped back in? What
(10:53):
my eyeball popped back in? The better to see you with?
And then of you are? You are swelling a lot locally?
What I could do with that? It's a lot of
enraged tissue around your eyesand we help you. Creepy couples only,
creepy couples only. Next gap, Barbie, Well, I guess since
(11:17):
it is creepy couples only, we may as well skate together.
I mean, plus, I wouldn't mind the hotter girls here
seeing me with an ugo. Wow, it's such a romantic story.
I never heard about how you lost your eye in
the first place. Mom, Oh, I never knew. You didn't
know you lost yourraw. I mean, I knew it happened,
(11:37):
but I never knew how it used to happen a
lot in this town until we switched from Wellwater. Hey,
right right, rat what we didn't name him wrap that's
my nickname. I'm sorry, but in this garage. Is this
one of your skater friends? Hi? Started, we have some
(11:58):
really big news. Tony Hawk came down to Mrs Anderson's place.
She's gonna go in the X Games, and she asked
us to back her up. But you need a board.
You don't like skateboard anymore. I'm a roller skater. No, dude,
definitely not kill yourself. Wait a minute, are you talking
about Linda Anderson? Anderson, we don't know. We don't talk
(12:24):
about her. Yeah, we don't. We we don't talk about
her in this Oh, the whole town talks about her.
She used to be the hottest woman in all the city.
They say, that's a little bit of embellishment. Someone says
she used to go to the skate ring and then
one day she was pushed far far away. Yeah that's
not true. Get out of here, give me some room.
(12:44):
So are you in or not? I don't know. I'm
really torn right now. I feel like in my blood
I'm supposed to be a roller skater. What and you
guys kicking out of the band and you kissed my butt?
You know what? Then bring your roller skates to the
X Games? Yeah? Will cool? Well, then I guess do
(13:07):
you any snacks. Yes, welcome back to the fort annual
X Games. I'm your color man, Gabe Kapler. You can't
say that anymore, Gabe. No, it means anecdotal things about
the athlete. I don't think you could say that, Gabe.
(13:28):
Why don't you smoke? My half pipe gets I'll hit
it again. Okay, good good, Oh we're live. We're very live. Okay,
let's get to the first competitors there. We got a
wonderful new competitor here, Linda Anderson. Okay, I'm gonna go
down and then I'm gonna go up in the air.
(13:50):
That's the plan. I'm gonna. I'm gonna, you know, I
just feel it out there. Do you need to know
the plan? Or do I just go for it? She
just go for but it looks like she's gonna try
the tough down and then up in the air, move
having fun, and she nails it. She nails it. Steve Signals.
(14:16):
I'm down here on pet pipe side with Linda Anderson,
who just did a major shred on the half pipe
here for the Monster Energy Red Bull Energy Monster Energy
X Games. Um, Linda, how do you feel about that
double alley and triple Mick sticky you pulled off. Oh yeah,
I love that you guys name those Uh. I feel awesome.
I you know I I've never felt better. I um,
(14:39):
I want to I want to have an orgasm extreme
He's here's the replay. Now. As you're watching the replay,
you can see Linda totally blowing everybody's tits off right here. Whoa, yeah,
that is the most titty explosion. He don't get nervous, man,
your next I need really nervous. When you said don't
get nervous, that just made me really nervou That was
(15:00):
my look. No matter what happens. Oho, oh alright, go
punch my, but just turn around next step. You've got
a trio of local kids that somehow weasel their way
into the X game. There's been a correction. It's only
(15:22):
a duo because one of our trio is now a
solo act act. Thank you, You're welcome. Okay, okay, Well
we'll just row with it. That it may affect double
double Ali back flip on the burger side. On the
(15:43):
burger side. You know that's a hard one for me.
I don't give a ship, dude. Damn tough love is
turning me one on the burger nice met a half
pipe side. I'm just finishing up with this great routine
(16:05):
from this duo that used to be a trio and
they're totally making out and it looked like they were
gonna pork for a second, but they backed up. Hey, guys,
how do you feel about that run? That run was
psycho sexy. My penis is a good. Yeah. This is
my third boner ever and it's my best one. I mean,
the music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers could be sports.
That's what you guys just did. Thanks so much if
(16:27):
you get us, Yeah, totally. Um so, so, how do
mean how do you feel what's next for you? Guys? Well, first,
we're gonna boo Rat as he goes down the half
pipe because he's a skater. Right, Well, let's go to
the tape. You can see here in the replay that
right here, at the top of both of their arch jumps,
they're looking longingly into each other's eyes. That trick is
called a sophie's choice, and it is extremely difficult to
(16:49):
do with one person, let alone too. You can really
feel the magnetism there. You can. Can you hear me
in the booth again? You can you feel. I mean, man,
that could be a sweet meme. You know what I'm saying,
Like that is real. You cannot fake that, do you know.
I'm sorry to interrupt. We just got word at approximately
four or forty five this afternoon, Tony Hawk passed at
(17:11):
Mercy General Hospital. And now, in honor of Tony Hawk's demise,
the X Games would like to create a moment of
air horns. Now we got a kid that wants to
(17:31):
roller skate. It seems really inappropriate at this moment, but
we'll go ahead and Tony, let's have the roller skater.
I don't know if I should be doing the stat
I feel like, really this is a bad choice. Tony
Hawk just died and I got roller skates. Well, I mean,
if you feel like it's a bad idea, maybe we
should just go to Carl's Jr. Mom, if you feel
(17:55):
like it's a bad idea, and you want me to
tell you when I felt like something was a bad
idea when I was roller skating up to your father
with my eyeball hanging out and the hottest girl in
the room was looking at me. But guess what I fell.
I bought Pops back in Banks cover the gaping eye
hole on the other side, and nine months later you're born.
(18:17):
Who all right, I'll do it. I'll do it. I'm
gonna escape roller skate down. That's right, do it for
the unprotected sex that created you. Good luck. Can I
have your board? Dude? Fuck? No ship? Yeah you suck?
(18:38):
Can I have your board? Fuck? All right? Here we go? Three? Two?
We Oh my god. I can't tell if he's having
fun or squeeling like a pig, but he's surely doing
(19:01):
something out there. Steve, you have any inside into this
Travis d we just witness? Oh yeah, actually, yeah, here
I'm I'm still here, live next to the half pipe.
I'm about to talk to this skater. Hey man, um,
what the funk was that? Bro? It was so crazy?
I thought the wind in my hair it was awesome.
I tried to get a board, but my friends aren't
my friends anymore and wouldn't give it to me. Whoa
(19:22):
I mean, let's go to the tape. You can see
here in the replay that he actually overcomes his preteen
awkwardness right in the middle of his second dive. Now,
that is a stunt and a trick that is commonly
known as the the grassy okay, so so, and that
it's an extremely hard trick to do. It's a classic trick.
It's one of those tricks that's like kind of like
a callback, you know, like something that was really cool
back in the day when Tony Hawk r I. P
(19:45):
um was h was was doing his thing. You know,
we haven't seen that trick in a long time. And
some very classic moves. What do you got rested in
store for us today? I think I'm gonna try roller
skating on a skateboard. Roller skating on a skateboard. I'm
alread interrupted discout word that the X Games passed at
five o'clock today after that routine, and that's our first.
(20:15):
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(20:58):
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(21:22):
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(21:50):
All right, let's get to our second seed and thank you.
Bomba's uh see two comes from Sarah, who wrote, Hi, everyone,
Bravo everyone, the show just keeps getting better and better.
Here's an idea for your consideration. A luxury tour guide
leads a group of blindfolded strangers to a surprise destination.
There's a catch from the destination isn't exactly what they anticipated.
(22:11):
I hope this makes the cut. I would love to
hear what you all do with it. Thanks Sarah. Alright, folks,
if you just make sure that you can't see beyond
your blindfolds. Okay, the roads a little rocky here, but
I guarantee you this is the best bare experience in
all of India. I have a rock in my shoe.
That's all right, just walk it off. Will you take
(22:33):
it out for me? I sure can hold still. Just
put your hand on my shoulder, and sweetheart, I'm scared.
I'm not scared anything. Why are you scared? It is
you I'm touching, It's not me, it's my leg. Hi,
how you got that. It's good. Can I have the rock? Yeah,
(22:53):
I'm gonna put it right here in your back pocket. Okay, okay,
and I'm doing this with Tweezers, so I'm not actually
touching you. Okay. Great is de end just by the way.
I love the feeling of your legs. I'm Mrs de Paul.
I'm Jake DePaul. I took her last and I look.
I would remind you guys in the tour group to
not remove your blindfolds. You're allowed to touch each other's faces,
but not see each other's faces until we get to
(23:14):
the clearing. And if you just want to touch my face,
absolutely Jake's okay. Um my name is Clarissa. You're making
that up. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll tell you my real name.
It's um rock Sounds. What is it? Rock rock pocket?
(23:36):
I'm sorry. I'm in a bad mood. Okay, folks. This
next part of the trails a little uphill, so just
make sure that you hold out of your buddy, lower
your center of gravity. How do we do that? Oh well,
just you just crouch down just a teeny bit, so
you don't I got on all four. We're going to
get right up to the top of this hill experience.
I'm okay, Luck is bringing us of fast can't wait.
(24:02):
We got ourselves real good human train that hunger. Will
you do anything? Oh? Not just anything? My favorite is
Oh I like to eat people? My favorite due excuse me, um,
troubled guys, Yes, question, Um, I don't understand how this
(24:22):
is supposed to uh respark the flame in my marriage. Oh,
you know, we can't. We don't actually guarantee that you'll
feel better about the person that you're with after this tour,
I said, we don't actually guarantee that you'll feel better
about the person that you're spending your life. And what
this tour, baby, Jake, this conversation is not a tune on.
I can tell you actually from experience that this that
(24:44):
the bare experience here in Indiana does build intimacy between
sister gendered couples. Okay, and it seems like a rock
pocket is all over our couple. I'm sorry I'm writing her. Yes,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I'm getting in between this
even your face. But I just love your energy and
(25:05):
I love yours too. If I can be honest, I
feel honest with my eyes closed and blindfolded ahead. My
husband left me. Oh this morning? Where did he go?
And chip? Um no, he said, I'm divorcing you now,
Mr Pocket? No, absolutely no warning, just Pocket. Well I'm sorry,
like he's It was like comma, Mr Pocket. He didn't
(25:28):
call me Mr p You have a broad back, but
a thin waste. Thank you. I used to be a
football player. They're coming over the ridge. You know what,
what's your favorite part about eating a person? Did you
ever did using their bones and falls from teeth? Was good?
What is it? Oh? No, what that's a rock? Pocket?
(25:49):
What about it? I used to date her? You did?
Then she gets she settled down with Ronald Pocket and
uh damn it. I don't know. I'll eat you don't
have to. That's kind of worse, I think in some ways, Well,
then you should eat her. I don't know. I don't know.
I got to eat some people. I don't I've got
(26:11):
to get ready for hibernation. I'm not gonna deal this bullshit.
I understand. I understand the point you're making. Yeah, alright, bears,
bears the human you're coming up over the hill. Time
to put out your blindfolds. What you know is part
of the experience. If they're blindfolded, you all got to
be blindfolded. You shouldn't blind phoned from the beginning, so
I didn't have this problem that I currently face. What's
the problem. I know what I want to say? Data
(26:34):
rock Pocket? Oh this is the rock Pocket thought. I
keep telling you stories, you goddamn heart. That's right as
you dude. Oh my god, I know I'm really cool flacking. Alright, fine, alright, folks,
just hold on to your buddy. I'm gonna lead you
into the clearing And on account will you take an
Instagram video with my phone? It's in my broth. Well,
you're to remove your blindfold. It's on account of purple
(26:54):
ready yellow. I didn't when we're gonna get to pimple, magenta, purple.
I'm so sorry. This is Can I touch? Do I
(27:16):
permission to touch? Well? I mean, when you're when you're
trying to approach a bear, you want to make sure
that you're approaching very respectfully. If I've had sex with
one of them before, excuse me, what if I sucked
a bear before one of these bears? Sorry, bears, take
your blindfolds off. On the count of fish, one fish?
Oh my, what's going on? I have an erection, I know,
(27:41):
Good God, thank you. Listen, folks, I'm not going to
pretend that this isn't like a very weird situation, even
for a guy that's around bear tours in Indiana for gears,
you know. But I you know, I do respect nature,
and I don't think we should stand in the way.
If you need to talk to this bear about what
happened between you two, then I think we should maybe
put some time aside tore to you because Nature's way,
(28:01):
and I learned anything from Jacques Coustill. We must not
interfere with nature. Fairness, Thank you so much. Sure. Yeah,
here's a juice box. Reach you guys if you go
in Rock. I've been really bad. Actually, if I'm being honest,
meet you, I haven't been great, A really dirt mouth.
(28:23):
Much to your honey book it well you weren't for
a long time. So no, but I think now my
husband just left me, so yes, you can be again.
But you can. Sorry, didn't intervene, but he's calling your
rock pocket that's your married name. Did you have an
affair with this Yesta? Oh my god, this cannot be
(28:49):
happy to me on a Monday. That just divorced. You
just said it's my name is Ronald Pockets. Hi, everybody,
pleasure to meet you. How do you do Hi, dirt mouth?
If you ate Ronald Pockets, Yeah, probably shouldn't have eaten
(29:14):
himself as probably wait thirty minutes before I go swimming.
You don't have to go swimming. I don't know. You
don't have to go swimming after you eat. I wear
whatever without you over so large? Oh my god, so great.
That seems like it's kind of resolved. Rock. I love you.
(29:41):
I made a mistake. Oh my god, Ronald, I know
most of me is now torn. Yes, it looks so gross.
Will you have me back? Make a decision? Be behind?
Got eaten twice? What the hell? Why do you have
(30:01):
my sloppy seconds? I'm sorry, I'm so hungry and all
this talking is making me angry. I gotta get to
sleep for winter. That's that's true. The bears do have
to get to sleep, everybody. So you could just pair
him with a bear and he can partially or fully
devour you and the blood will make the crops grow.
Is this what you want? Baby? No, Jacky, no what
you want? I guess I wanted to go on a
(30:22):
luxury too. Wasn't thinking it would be a thing like
this is thinking so far some Instagram moments. But I'll
do anything for you. By the way, folks, if you
have signed up for the Bear Fear Experience, I have
provided you with knives in your back pockets. Damn it.
(30:44):
I've made my way through two bears for you, and
I'll make my way through every bear in this whole
fucking state. I don't know. You're just a head and
arms right now. You killed rubble to Oh my god,
you know I'm gonna take off my ranger hat here
(31:04):
for a second, ma'am, and I'm just gonna break down
because I was trying to be very professional about this,
but twice partially digested man just asked to have you
back in his life and you are still on the fence,
And personally, I think that's crazy. If you were on
Twitter and I was on Twitter and I saw who
you were on Twitter, fun with you on Twitter? Excuse me, said,
(31:30):
beg your partner. I'm fully transgendered. I can't be a misogynist.
What are you talking about? A rough fuck it? Kiss me?
God damn it, Ronald, I am only eyes and the
(31:54):
man's literally got his heart on his sleep. That doesn't
mean just love him, ranger, I don't know. I still
don't know. What do you mean? You don't know? This
man a slow trip to three bear anesses for you.
This morning he tried to divorce me. I don't know.
What are you doing? I mean to ride away? I'm
(32:16):
the bear. Now you're the be. Now you don't have
to swim? Dad? Does this happen often? Actually no, it's
a bear is actually an acronym for like big egalitarian
agricultural retreat. I mean, I I don't, I don't, so
this is actually this way off base, way off base.
But I mean, you can't stop love. If there's one
(32:37):
undeniable force in the universe, it's weather. But there's also
love to be considered in that respect. And I'm a ranger.
I'm I'm I'm charged by the state and federal agencies
to protect love. So they're just gonna go off into
the wilderness. Well, nature has them. Now you know, there's
a chance, there's all if you actually read the bottom
(32:59):
of the waiver that you signed to go on this trip,
there is a chance that one of you could become
a bear or decide to live a bear lifestyle. Yeah,
you could love with loose Oh gosh, kill the wonder fish?
How about would have to learn the ways of the bear. Look,
I'm gonna be be honest. I haven't been happy or
(33:19):
felt joy in a very long time. If you'll have
me as a bear, I'll do my best to be
a good boy bear. Can that be a good boy
bear bear? That one's dead? Donlan Living Barrier. Yeah, I
love to have you this bears. Oh yeah, what we're
(33:43):
gonna do? Where to put your remaining lips and eyes
into rubble tom here he'll take over his body. Stranger
diggs have happened. I mean they made stars and all
those Sharman fucks. Stranger things could happen. I'm gonna go
ahead and show your eyes in here, show your lips
on a new god. Nature is wonderful, are you? Yeah?
(34:09):
I want to eat you? Oh yeah, I know you
want to eat me. But just seriously, you you don't
want to eat me. I'm on so many drugs I
would make you sick. Yeah. So, and plus I'm the
one who brings all the tours in, so you know
you don't really want me, you know, And you want
to keep this forest nice and you know haunted, don't you?
I mean, I want to I want to make sure
(34:30):
that I'm doing my job as rangers. So you probably
want to let me pass to write a passage pocket.
M hmm. Okay, take it easy, take it easy now. Listen, guys,
listen like you know me. Okay, I'm the transgender ranger
that brings people here for you to eat such a
weird day under an acronymic experience. Okay, but like so,
(34:51):
so if we're gonna keep this thing going, you don't
want to eat me? Do you understand? Excuse us? How
do we catch you salmon? It sounds like you're depart me, guys,
I have another chore to get to. Um so what
is that bad human teeth? Maybe? Oh god, damn it,
I don't know. I don't. Okay, sing it to me.
(35:13):
Maybe this is the thing I don't If you're going
to be okay, listen, if someone says they're going to
sing you a song, no, I just wrote the song, okay,
then oh yeah, all right? Could even what whoever you want?
All if I just maybe if I hand you this paper,
you can you can sing it for me? Do you best?
Dig I bet you have a good voice. Oh stop, um,
(35:36):
bad handwriting, Baby, I love you? What do you think
it's coming from her? So? I love you too. That's
what I was really hoping would happen. I think you
get eating gun eaten by a bear. I saw it.
(35:59):
I think we got everything got crazy? Did range ago?
He has another tour which lunchtime? Sure that scene over
(36:27):
our final scene is from Andrew, who wrote, Hello alchemists,
my name's Andrew, and insert story about monotonous work suggestions.
My job is boring. I have some scene suggestions with
television shows as the basis pawn shop TV show proprietor
keeps low balling items brought in and brings the suspiciously
(36:48):
specific experts for items they aren't familiar with to value them.
Maybe one of them is legitimately cursed. H yeah, I
want to try to get this this item appraised. It's
a super Bowl eight championship ring. Okay, let me take
a look at this. Yeah, super Bowl eight, super Bowl eight,
So you know they get more valuable with the bigger
than number, right, So I don't know, I'd give you
(37:12):
fifteen bucks. This is this is super Bowl eight championship ring.
I mean it was stolen from the dead finger of
a center tackle. Well, okay, okay, okay, let me just
bring Jim McMahon out here. Jim, not Jim, Jim. Yeah,
how's it going, Jim? Could you take a look at
this super Bowl eight? You sure you don't want Jimifer
(37:35):
to take a look at this, said Jim, I'll just
miss hard. I was on my I'm not mistaken. You
played professional football, right, yes, like quarterback the eighty four
Chicago Bears. Would you mind taking a look at this
ring and telling me if you think it's worth more
than fifteen bucks? Let me see a super Bowl eight?
Huh yeah, super Bowl eight. You know they're more valuable
to hire the number. But the whole thing about eight
(37:57):
little circles, I didn't take that into a good call, Jim.
If he Jim, what do you think that's tough? Let
me look at it the center snow if you got
yourself from night, that's true, that's just right true. Let
me look at this underneath the light here. Oh yeah,
this is this is the legitimately super Bowl eight r Yeah,
(38:18):
that's real, Amethyst. Was this taken off to the center
of a dead dead center center tackle? Yeah, you could
tell by the girth here of the rings. Actually, my
finger nails are so dirty from the grave robbing. So
you're saying fifteen bucks maybe tops on this one. I
don't know. I'm going to leave it up to you, Jim.
(38:41):
You know, I think we could go upwards. What do
you do? What do you think? What do you think? Jimployees?
I'm sorry, how about this kind of three? Will say
the numbers that we're both thinking? It's not good? Can
I just say one more thing? The count of three?
You give us the number also that you were thinking? Okay,
maybe can I make one additional suggestion? Maybe on the
count of eight? That's cute? But why don't you also
(39:03):
doing the end? I'll do the counting one to three, four, five, six, seven,
eight dollars? What what did you because that was the
number on my month and you said, I said sixteen.
You know what, I'll take six times store credit, store credit, sixteen,
I'll take sixtdit I don't care if you're a teenager.
(39:25):
Hold my hand so embarrassing over here? You're hurting me.
Hi can help you, guys? Yes? Hi? Um? How much
can I get for a brat daughter? Stop it? A
brat daughter? What's her age's? Hey, how much do you
weigh your right handed or left handed? That actually counts
(39:46):
a lot more than you think. I weigh a hundred
pounds and I'm left handed, left handed. Can you give
me a breakdown of her genealogy, like where she descends from?
Why are you talking to my mom? Like I'm not
even here? I'm sorry what I'm dealing with? That? I'm sorry?
Can you ask about ta sax uh ty sex? Yeah?
(40:07):
If if, if she has ta sax? I can hear
all of you a holes what I'm talking about. Yes,
that's what I'm working with. By the way, is that
a Super Bowl eight ring over there? Yes? It is.
Actually it can be be purchased for eighteen dollars. Wow,
I mean that was the Vikings versus the Dolphins. Actually
it was the Dolphins versus the Nancy's, The Philadelphia Nancy's
(40:27):
says on the ring. Okay, can I go home? I
don't know. I don't know. Depends on what kind of
price I get here on the internet. So you're seeing
your daughter is thirteen, she's a hundred pounds approximately, left hand,
left handed, and full of pissing vinegar. Frankly, excuse me.
I'm right here. So you would you say that maybe
it's like an Eastern European or like a like a
(40:48):
British descent, that that your family comes from. Yeah, something
like that, you wish, mom, or anything like we don't
know her father. Frankly, you don't know. Okay, whose fault?
Oh surprise, we got Brady as daughter. A DNA swapper.
Just check out as you're doing. It's a little bit
(41:10):
about me. I was a party animal, um, so I
had many, many partners, and this is the result. So
lesson learned, lesson learned. Well, you know, it's actually been
kind of a trend lately for designer children, kind of
like like labradoodles, you know, like designer pieces everywhere. Don't
(41:31):
tell them that can talk to you for a second.
Oh yeah, sure, sure, what's up? Listen. I don't know
if you're gonna highball or low ball these guys, but
we could sell her for parts. Don't let them know,
but individual limbs. You got this terry? Al right, Well,
she does have nice hands for a young person. All right, yeah, thanks, thanks?
(41:54):
Good anyways, bring that thing's worthless. So I'll tell you what, ma'am, um,
If you're really interested in selling your order today, officer
of the law entering, here's my gun here, point going going. Okay,
oh what do we have here? A little fucking miscrant.
I smell bacon. Oh yeah, I'm a pig. I'm a pig,
and you'd be so lucky, you fucking brat that you
(42:19):
wish you were a pig. You know what you are,
your pigs, not officers. I was gonna see if you
guys were human trafficking, and you were going to get
in a lot of trouble. But now I say, good luck,
my good lady, I'm out, I mean listening. In our defense,
we're not trafficking here anywhere. We're just assessing a value
and exchanging it. Um. So here's what I'm ready to
(42:40):
do today. Okay, this without approval for my manager. All right,
we can always like sweeten the deal here. But here's
my first talk. I'm gonna say, I'll give you fifty
cents on the pound. Okay, so so probably about fifty
bucks and I'll throw in the super Bowl eight ring. Okay,
I just want to think about and this is this
(43:02):
is human trafflings off. In our defense, we are not
trafficking her anywhere. She will remain here on the retail
floor until she's not allowed to buy and sell. I
want with him with the officer, Officer of the law.
I got bad news for you, or maybe the best
news you've ever heard. I'm a woman. Listen, Officer. Can
(43:23):
I talk to you for just like it attracted to it?
You just just a quick second, Mom, you're so embarrassing
you are you stay where you are and that's in order. Officer,
would you mind just just give me a second here.
You don't tell me what to do. Alright, alright, it's
my pawn shops, but actually you can make the rules. Look,
(43:43):
I'm about to close a major deal here. We have
been trying to unload the Super Bowl eight ring. You
know what I'm saying. All you have to do is
agree to these and we will make sure that your
date is fully funded with gift certificates and Uber ricks.
You're gonna take a kid off my hands. I don't
want to be a step You know. The funniest part
about it is we're going to take the hands off
(44:04):
the kid too. I know, yeah, it's it's it's a
Super Bowl ray still viable, Still viable. I brought you
want to take this one. But I brought you some
more piston vinegar here, I put it, mixed it up good.
I want that Super Bowl roote. Oh my god, this
is my math teacher. Oh my god, what are you
(44:26):
doing here? My mom's trying to sell me for how much?
Fifty bucks? I don't know. Let's all say a number,
all right, and we'll see if that number. I'm an officer.
I hope you're not up to any no good name. Now,
let's all say it. Okay, all right? Well I traditionally
count to three, if that's okay. Once in a while
was different number. But look here we go. Everybody. Everybody ready,
(44:49):
Yes to three. I heard a lot of different things. Yeah,
I want I said five? Said handful of ship? Do
you want to sell yourself for five dollars? Yeah? Why
not have a little self worth? Shut? This is part
of the problem. If I knew my dad, I would
(45:09):
have a lot more self Well you knew your dad,
you would recognize that he is a kingpin. We won
a kingpin of what. Mom? You're such a little ding
dong bing. Okay, don't talk to your mother like that.
Don't don't your mother. Oh pig, he's getting that Piggy's
about to stick a little snout up your ass. Yeah,
(45:32):
you would like that. You per scare her straight, scare
her straight, and then you know what's going to happen
to you next? What I'm gonna eat your toenails? Good
luck and a total of four toes. Well, then guess
what I'm gonna do next? Instead, what I'm gonna lock
you up in a little baby pig cell. I would
love for you do that, because one of my greatest
(45:53):
skills is slipping out of small space. It is you
got yourself a great a brat here like a bone.
Her father was a kingpin, though wait, well I don't
know exactly which kingpin he was, because I slept with
a lot of people the year she was born shut
most of them were sing my mom, oh so so
(46:13):
possibly of Hispanic descent, most not all so possibly for sure. Well,
you know, bits and jiggles, let's just speed this up.
I'm going to give the Super Bowl ring for the
Piston vinegar. It's a deal that I had mentioned earlier
and you have been talking about that and it wasn't worth.
We'll give a full hundred dollars and we're going to
(46:35):
take this girl Yeah, that's all right. I mean that's good, folks.
I just want to remind you this all may seem
a little chaotic, but this kind of free market exchange
is what makes this country great. I'm gonna make your
life a limit. Thank you so much for this brain
that kingpin can't wait to get it. Well, here's your
here's your stuff. I put all your belongings in a
(46:56):
zip block back and don't worry, man, We'll make sure
she has some room to like run and dig. Six
toothbrushes in here, Yeah, that'd be plenty. Are you gonna
miss me? No, you just sold me at a pawn
shop before that, would you have missed me? Oh? Oh heyyyy,
fight those feelings. I'm taking you to soup plantation. Okay, So, wow,
(47:21):
you work at a pawn shop. What's that like? It's
pretty sophisticated. It do anything crazy like crazy? Stuff happened
like crazy the whole market, like the Nastack and the down,
and you did it on a smaller scale. Anybody need
to tap up on their soup little Yeah, sure, I'll
take another scoop to in my bread bowl. Okay, would
(47:42):
you like a chowder on tap or a split peak,
just a chowder and maybe a little splash of splip
so bad. So, so what were those words you're saying?
Was that Chinese nastack? Now? What was that stock? Stuff?
But it's like a stock market at a really stock
Chinese words? You mean the pretty much pretty much? So
(48:03):
tell me, like, the craziest thing that's ever happened? Why
don't you pick that bowl up? Slurp it down? And
why don't we get out of here? Wow? I like
how forward you are? You certainly negotiating it all day,
all day, but I've got better ideas. Okay, Well, grete gal,
you need another later, fool. Actually no, I don't think
I should eat anything else stop At this point, I'm
(48:26):
trying to get this date, wrapp. I've had a lot
of creamy soups already today, this week, entire something. Wow,
So you brought your date in? Huh? How much? How
much you asking for her? Listen and listen now, come on,
you said everything in here is for sale, Yeah, but
this is a little different. I mean, yeah, you can't
sell intimacy, okay, and we've built a lot. Really, mother
(48:49):
of Pearl, what are you thinking? Is it really Mother
of Pearl? Yeah? I know how much you love Mother
of Pearl. God damn it, let me holding a pase
no excuse me, like you know what, this is my fault.
I thought it would be really cool to get involved
(49:09):
with the guy with a mustache like yours that works
at a pawn shop like this. I thought it would
be cool. I thought it'd be like working at a
record company. Is working at Netflix? Cool like that? But well,
you know what, now it's starting to feel a little weird,
and I don't think I want to be on the
premise that I got a good deal on what you
(49:31):
whisper officer. I think I'm trying to be. I think
they're trying to barter me for a mother of Pearl
pocket knife? Is it real? Mother Pearl? I haven't seen
the knife yet. Let me see the knife. Well, now,
guess who's got themselves a mother Pearl knife? No, no,
come on, I am a dirty policious I do. And
(49:54):
they're from a hot, hot milf. Terry, Terry, can you
shred that girl in the back of the cops are here?
I heard that. Wow, you're trying to put me in
the paper strip. Hold still, your little asshole'eling Jim McMahon here,
whoa whoa about down? I came all the way from
(50:17):
the Vorst to meet Jim McMahon, my hero. That's a bear.
I know a bear when I see a bear, that's
a bear. Oh I thought he was Jim McMahon. No, no, no,
well Jim McMahan was a bear at all, fairness, But
that bear is looking for Jim McMahon. Is Jim here?
Jimmy when he went to take a smoke break. Yeah,
he's out back smoking. He's an athlete, he's shouldn't smoke.
(50:38):
Not an athlete anymore. Yeah, and he loves his vices.
I'll go to look for him out back. Wait a second,
that a motor appool. I don't even think about it. Bear,
we're looking at one of those knaves. I want one
road n Why do you have a knife. You're a bear.
You just use your teeth in your claws. Sometimes you
want to like nicely filet of fish instead of just
(50:58):
biting the head off. That takes an interesting point. You
know what I think I'm I think I'm taking my
eyes off of your date here. You're about to get
word of this little girl. Oh no, I'm not saying
anything gross Oh no, no, sir, this little girl is
not for sale. You're about to tread. She is raw
she yeah, exactly, she's raw material. We we what we
do is we buy children and then we we grind
(51:18):
them into slurry. She's got a little turned my head
at a lot. Yeah, but I can't turn my head
at that. You. I gotta shut you down. You didn't
hear him doing that before. It was vague enough that
I felt like sticking me in a paper shred. Yeah, yeah,
but he that He just really said it clearly. Can
(51:40):
I make about you again? Trying to save this child's
life and she is being an asshole. I don't like her.
I don't like her either. I'm sorry. You know, human
trafficking here, Yeah, that's low. I can't. I can't let
that out of right, and only the little girl survived.
Thank you for being here on NPR. That's our show.
(52:05):
I sounded like an MPR thing. She wrote a book. Yeah,
all right, let's thank you. To see what you're up to.
Brad Norman. Hi, I'm the voice of Bulwink on the
Adventures of Rocky and Bulliegal on Amazon Prime. And hey,
I'm active on social media, so you know it can
be my friend, it could change ideas with me. It's
(52:27):
definitely what the internet is for, exchange idea. I'd love
to join in on Brad's idea change changing ideas. Yeah,
why do we mess with February months days? It's a
leap year coming up and I had a great convo
about that with some real friends yesterday. Would love to
(52:50):
extend that to my internet family. You can follow Dynasty
Typewriter on Instagram or me, but mine is mostly boring
van us. I hope, well you really ORed out of
that must be the inside out shirt. Let's move on
(53:10):
to our ray of sunshine. Chris Aldo, you are welcome, jeez,
keep it free. Isn't you want to thank us? And
I want to say you're welcome. Oh, and I want
to say I'm going to take a boomerang and put
it on our alchemy. This instagram which you should follow,
of James doing the cutest thing ever that he did
during this episode, which was when his character was dead
(53:31):
and we tried to interact with and we did little
crosses over it because it was so cute. It was
my favorite thing. I love that You're like, no, no, no,
there's a reality of my parent that is so going
to be stolen by every podcast ever Debt James. Guys,
(53:56):
thanks for listening. If you would like to show your
support for comy this, you can go to t spring
dot com, slash slash doors, slash Alchemy Oh God actually
comes out were there's a brand new T shirt made
by the public on sale to the public. It should
(54:19):
be awesome. Just google the hardest thing ever. I'm sure
if you look up t spring dot com and look
for alchemy this you'll find it. Is it the letter
T or T E E T E E spring dot com,
slash alchemy this, slash store, slash Alchemy dash this impossible
to find. If you just look at alchemy this, you'll
(54:42):
see that there's a there's shirts up there. There's one
with the logo and then one that the fans have
made the web apparently. Finally, Caroline Cautter, I don't ever
do anything, but you can find my Instagram cotter poop.
That's it perfect, perfect help me. You can find me
(55:04):
Cold Stratton at the West Side Comedy Theater along the
start with these other people doing a pretty pretty pony
first Thursday of the month at ten pm and at
Stratton Cole at Cold Stratton on different various social media things.
Let's thank our engineer Doug Babe, our post sound design
artist Raphael Alberto. We encourage all of you to write
(55:26):
a review, tell everyone you've ever met, and write to
us at your name here at alchemy this dot com.
That's your name here at alchemy this dot com. Until
next time, A
Alchemy This News
Host
Kevin Pollak
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