Don't shoot the second arrow

Bad things happen to everyone but how we react is within our control

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
tip is that bad stuff happens, but we don't have
to react in a way that makes the experience even worse.

(00:24):
Today's tip comes from Laurie Santo's. In an interview with
Ryan Holiday of The Daily Stoic, Santo's shared the parable
of the second arrow. The Buddha asked his followers whether
it would be bad if they were shot with an arrow.
Of course, they agreed that yes, this would be bad.
Then he asked if it would be bad, or perhaps
even worse, if they were shot again with a second arrow.

(00:47):
They said it would be The Buddha explained that circumstances
were the first arrow. No one can avoid bad things
happening to them, whether it is missing the last flight
of the day to get home after an exhausted trip,
or something worse like losing a job. We can't avoid
all the vicissitudes of life. Everyone will get shot with

(01:08):
a first arrow from time to time, but we can
avoid the second arrow. The second arrow is the suffering
we create in our response to the adversity. Do you
snap at the gate agent who tells you the first
flight to your destination is the next morning. Do you
call your assistant, waking her up to tell her you
never want to be on the last flight of the

(01:29):
day again. So now she is upset and has trouble
getting back to sleep, which leads to her questioning whether
she wants to keep working for you. All this unpleasantness
only adds to your suffering, So don't add the second arrow.
I appreciate this wisdom, but I live in the real world,
and I know this is much easier said than done.

(01:50):
We are not all as wise as the Buddha. So
how do you avoid the second arrow and this optional
second layer of suffering, especially when you're reeling from the
first arrow. A good start is to get enough sleep,
eat well, and exercise. When you are healthy and strong,
you are resilient to arrows of all kinds. Good routines

(02:11):
and a flexible schedule helped too. Don't try to cram
too much into your days. When you have no margin,
you're more likely to get angry and frustrated about any
change in plans. When you have margin and backup slots
in your schedule, you have the time to respond to
unexpected issues. You might also think about an option B

(02:32):
for anything in your life where option A has a
good chance of going wrong. When you already know that
a backup sitter is available. On a day when you
have a big presentation and your regular sitter was starting
to look a little ill the day before and you
know the flu is going around, well you'll feel more
calm about the whole thing. It can also be helpful

(02:53):
to have mindfulness practices that help you reset. A few
deep breaths can go along way, And finally, it helps
to lead a balanced life when your life has multiple components.
You are engaged in family work, hobbies, volunteer or community work, friends.
Disappointment in one area of life doesn't mean your whole

(03:15):
life feels wrecked. You have perspective your community and family
will help you get through this. Or if the trouble
is in your family, well isn't it nice that you
have friends? Whether we like it or not, life shoots
the occasional arrow. We can't avoid that, but we can
avoid the second arrow. We can respond to adversity in

(03:37):
a way that lets us move on from it productively,
instead of magnifying our misery In the meantime, this is Laura.
Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of
our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've

(04:02):
got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at
Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a
production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit
the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

(04:24):
your favorite shows.