Second Cup: Loop for understanding

How to turn down the temperature on challenging conversations

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning,
This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's
tip is to loop for understanding. This technique for challenging

(00:23):
conversations can help keep things from boiling over and helps
make sure that everyone feels heard. Today's tip, like another
one this week, comes from Charles Dohig's new book, Super Communicators.
In this book, Dohig shares strategies for having better conversations

(00:46):
so you can connect with people more effectively. Sometimes conversations
are easy, and sometimes they are not. Dohig shares some
stories of experiments that have brought together people with wildly
different views on hot button topics and have taught them

(01:07):
constructive conversational strategies. One that all of us can try
in our own lives is to loop for understanding. Here's
how this works. You can ask the speaker questions and
then reflect back what you heard and confirm that you understand. So,

(01:30):
for instance, if your spouse is upset because he or
she feels like they are always doing the bedtime routine
with your kids, your response should not be what do
you mean I did it tuesday? You never give me
credit for anything as you can imagine, this is not
going to make the situation any better. Indeed, the two

(01:51):
of you might start fighting and maybe even wake the
kids up so you both have to do bedtime duty again.
Looping for understanding would mean that, after you've asked your
spouse some questions about how he or she is feeling
and about these frustrations, you would say something like, you're
feeling overwhelmed because you're tired after work and you want

(02:11):
to relax, but the kids often fight bedtime. Did I
get that right? You reflect back what the person says,
and then add that little check did I get that right?
Unless you have completely flubbed your reading of what the
person just said, Asking did I get that right? Encourages

(02:33):
the person to say yes, which means that here she
is acknowledging that they feel heard. Now, you've never said
that you agree with the person, or even that you
think that the complaint is valid. You are simply acknowledging
that the person feels that way and that you understand
what the person is feeling. If for some reason you

(02:56):
haven't quite understood what the person is saying, asking did
I get that right? Allows them to elaborate and share
more until you are clear on what's going on. People
who study conversations have found that this looping for understanding
technique can keep things from boiling over. Now, it obviously

(03:21):
doesn't solve the problem, but it puts people in a
place where a solution might be possible. Whereas if you
are screaming that doing the bedtime routine one time over
the past two weeks doesn't make anyone the spouse of
the year, well, that is not going to lead to
much of anything good. So the next time you wind

(03:44):
up in a hot conversation, just try it, reflect back
what the other person said in your own words and
ask if you got it right. If you did, great,
If you didn't, they will let you know, and then
you can ask a few more questions and summarize again
until you do get it right. With any luck, the

(04:05):
person will then do the same for you and you
can share how you are feeling. Oftentimes, people want to
be heard just as much as they want solutions, and
looping for understanding can make that happen. In the meantime,
this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's to making

(04:30):
the most of our times. Thanks for listening to Before breakfast,
If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach
me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast

(04:54):
is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia,
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