Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Cool Zone Media book Club book Club book Club. Hello
and welcome to Cool Zone Media book Club, the only
book club where I do the reading for you and
sometimes I do the writing for you, like this week. Well,
(00:23):
this week is yet another episode of Dino Wars, which
means that we are going to read to.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
You podcasts from the future. That's right, we have been
sent podcasts from Cool Zone Media twenty fifty five. That's
thirty years in the future for those of you who
are in the year twenty twenty five. But then if
you're listening to this further in the future, it'll be closer.
(00:50):
That's how numbers work, and time, which marsh is only forward. Anyway,
here's the episode, Hello and welcome Nicoles on twenty fifty five,
How to Survive the Dino Wars. I'm your host, Margaret Kiljoy,
and this week we're bringing you something special. This week
we're bringing you a report from across the Iron Curtain,
(01:13):
from inside Nazi occupied Spain from the Catalonian Resistance. It's
near impossible to get information in and out of curtained
regions of the world, most of which are under permanent
conditions of Vishnu shielding. This report then, like I just said,
is something special. We received it on microfiche, one of
(01:35):
those technologies that was extinct before I was born. But
then again, we make use of a lot of technologies
and animals that were extinct before any of us were born.
This report was handwritten in code and then photographed and shrunk,
then tied to the wing of a pigeon. That pigeon
flew from Barcelona to Toulouse, where partisans recovered it, dkode
(02:00):
it and then passed along part of it to cool
Zone Media for us to read it to you. Well,
there was a lot more information besides what I'll be reading,
information about troop movements and all of that, but obviously
that's not for public consumption. That information stayed in to
lose where partisans are entrenched and holding back the Iberian
(02:21):
Phalanx at great cost and with great valor. This, then,
is a report from outside of Barcelona from our own
anonymous correspondent. As you all are quite aware, cool Zone
Media works with a number of anonymous correspondents. One of
our dearest is a person who writes under the name
(02:42):
Mix Bunny Face Murder. When spelled out of course it's
just mix and then the bunny face emoji and then
the dagger emoji. That's how you know they're a zoomer.
For a while, Mixed Murder would read their own reports
and we'd run it through a voice changer. But all
of that changed two years ago when Nazi quantum computers
(03:03):
starting to be able to decrypt that stuff, and three
of my friends were killed. I mean a lot more
than three people were killed, but you know, in a
time of mass death, you sometimes focus on the ones
closest to you. Anyway, All of this is to say
that other hosts, those of us who aren't anonymous, have
started voicing Mixed bunny Face Murder's work. Of course, one
(03:26):
of us would have to voice it anyway, because you know,
it showed up a microfiche, but that's besides the point.
The show is, of course, more or less family friendly.
If you want to hear the entire uncensored version of
the report, with all of Mixed bunny Face Murder's usual
sexual antics included, you'll have to check out our sister podcast,
Under the Pants and under the Ground. That episode will
(03:50):
be out soon. We're arguing in our signal chat right
now about who gets to record the more explicit version
of this tale. This report is titled in Bed with
the Dreadnaughts sixteen weeks in a Catalonian camp, surrounded by
hotties and brontos, and it's the first reporting any of
us have gotten out of Eastern Spain in half a year.
(04:13):
But first, before we get to that, there's one more
thing I want to talk about. That's right, I want
to talk about Dino Cadence. Dino'cadence is the academy for
dino riding, and I'm willing to bet that if you
can hear this podcast, there is a Dinocadence studio opened
somewhere near you. Not only are they the fastest growing
(04:34):
training program for riders and texts, they're also cool Zone
Media's biggest sponsor. And this week we would like to
tell listeners that Dinocadence has not forgotten its roots as
an exotic dinosaur dance troupe. In fact, thanks to all
of your support, Dinocadence is going on tour. That's right,
the world's finest burlesque sex show Circus Act is going
(04:56):
on tour to raise money for the Fight. Look them
up up on your favorite apps or sites for dates
or tickets Dinohkaidence would like to remind all listeners that
while exotic dancers will be performing sexual displays on or
near dinosaurs, they will not be performing sexual displays with dinosaurs,
and the audience member who requests such a thing will
be escorted out immediately, so without further ado. Well, there
(05:19):
will likely be further ADO during the ad breaks, but
without immediate further ado. Here is my reading of the
safe for work ish version of in Bed with the
Dreadnoughts sixteen weeks in a Catalonian camp surrounded by hotties
and brontos by mixed bunny face murder. According to the
(05:41):
twenty fifty four report from Pew Pew Anti Fascist International Polling,
the number one reason why people join in internationalist army
or militia is to impress potential romantic or sexual partners
twenty eight percent of people. This just edges out saving
humanity from fashism at twenty seven percent, followed by to
(06:04):
get out of the house twelve percent, and well, I
was going to die soon anyway eleven percent. Other interesting
reasons include personal revenge for the death of a loved
one eight percent, for the glory of the new God
Shalam Swartzbard point three percent for the glory of the
(06:24):
old gods point six percent, and I want to know
what it's like to kill someone point five percent. So
how did I wind up in Catalonia, trapped behind the
iron curtain? Wishing I'd known ahead of time that Catalonian
is a different language than Spanish. Well, I was with
the plurality. You see. I met this cute SIS girl
(06:47):
last year when I was reporting on the Internationalist Science
Convention in San Diego. And for any older listeners, we
should be clear that I'm using CIS in the ironic
sense developed by Jen Beans, where if you mark someone
as SIS when you're actually implying that they might not
be SIS, but without actually fully disclosing whether or not
they're SIS or trans, because it's not your business. She
(07:09):
was with the CNT, the anarcho Syndicalist Union with the
cute red and Black hats, and she was presenting on
the impact of sarrotergia like dinosaurs with flippers and shit
that live in the water on the climate changed warm Mediterranean,
which is what her doctorate was on. I figured I
didn't have a chance in hell at impressing her by
learning how to spell sarrogia and our emails. But maybe
(07:32):
I could impress her by doing some reporting on the
Catalonian Front, one of the hottest hot spots in the
whole world. Three point five. So me and my mediocre
Spanish packed ourselves into a troop transport carrying Maganesta forces
from San Diego to Barcelona, and I landed into a
city transformed. But first you should let yourself be transformed
(07:57):
by these ads. Do you love true crime? Do you
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(08:21):
with exclusive interviews from some of the top scientists who
have defected to the internationalist side. Warning the Council for
Accomplishing the impossible task of engaging in ethical warfare was
unable to independently verify that all the former Nazi scientists
interviewed for the show did so of their own free will,
Some or all of the testimony could have been coerced
under torture. The Council for accomplishing the impossible task of
(08:42):
engaging in ethical warfare. Would like to remind listeners that
testimony coursed under torture is less likely to be accurate
than testimony produced by repentant ex fascists. You know, times
sure are tough right now, what with the you know everything,
and I'm tired of everyone promising them you know how
to fix everything. That's why I drink Tough Times Tea.
(09:05):
Tough Times Tea makes absolutely no claims that their products
offer any medical or psychological benefits. They are not trying
to tell you that they're going to fix everything. There
isn't even any caffeine. It might literally just be random
pine bark they put into little baggies and package of
cubes and mail to your house because these are tough
times and tea companies have to sell something, but real
(09:28):
tea is getting harder to find. Tough Times Tea is
absolutely just random pine bark collected from the front yard
of the Sole proprietorship. Independent studies are currently underway to
determine if Tough Times tea is actually worse for you
than drinking plain hot water. And we're back. You've heard
(10:03):
my reports on an Archo Syndicalis Catalonia on this show
before back before the Iron Curtain fell over the Iberian Peninsula,
or rather before that curtain extended all the way to
the eastern coast. You've heard me talk about the black
and red banners that are just fucking everywhere, hanging from
every building like it's all the set piece for some
old movie or something. You've heard me talk about the
(10:26):
communal meals that are served around the clock for free
to all comers in seized hotels, where people play music
and the social life of the city takes place when
it takes place inside. I showed up in the summer,
and twenty fifty four was, of course the hottest year
on record, which isn't a surprise since every year or
two is the hottest year on record. But anyway, it
(10:49):
was hot as hell, so most social life took place
inside because the average day there was over forty degrees.
That's one hundred and four to you heathens in America.
You heard me talk about the arrogasaurs that wander the
streets covered in red and black barting. The aragosaurus has
become the de facto mascot of Spanish and arcosyndicalism. It's
(11:10):
named after the province of Aragon, and why did they
name their mascot after the province of Aragon. Well, all
throughout the twenty forties, of course, the Iberian Peninsula was
in revolt. Aragon, Catalonia, and the Bosque Country were, of course,
three of the most powerful internationalist strongholds, and Aragon declared
for an arcosyndicalism in twenty forty nine. Well. They also
(11:33):
declared for it in twenty twenty nine, twenty thirty four,
twenty thirty seven, twenty forty, twenty forty four, and twenty
forty eight, But in twenty forty nine it stuck for
a while. Catalonia and the Bosque Country rushed to follow,
and the revolts spread. Aragon was also the first to
fall when the Fascis took Aragon in twenty fifty two.
(11:54):
They took it heart. Of the one point five million
people living there, fully four one hundred thousand were killed,
roughly two hundred thousand joined the fascist forces in another
five hundred thousand fled to Catalonia. The Battle of Terragoza
has captured the world's dark imagination, so much so that
it gave the world a new style of art, the
(12:17):
dark imagination or just let escura in Spanish. The Dark
imagination is large scale, often many of the pieces are
meters on the side. The focuses on the suffering of
the living at the hands of the biospawn, often using
the gray scale color scheme from Pablo Picasso's Guernica and
mixing Cubism with realism. Usually either the primary subject is
(12:41):
rendered in a Cubist style while the background is more realistic,
or vice versa. The actual battle, the Battle of Terragoza,
was quite simply one of the worst things that has
happened in human history. There have been higher death counts,
there's been greater malice, but Terragoza was the first city
(13:01):
of its size to be torn asunder by half mad, screaming,
tortured hybrid humans. It was the Iberian Phalanx that first
weaponized biospahn built from humans, and the people of Terragoza
who did not escape in time were hunted down and
ripped apart limb from limb, turning the city into a
surreal landscape of brick and bone. The C Andt's militia,
(13:26):
bolstered by allies from every left of fascist political persuasion
from France, Italy and Morocco performed heroically. Within hours of
the initial onslaught, they shifted their focus from holding the
city to defending the exodus of its population. Later, captured
intelligence confirmed their suspicions. The fascists were not attempting to
(13:48):
capture the city to rule it, nor even to exterminate
its population. The fascists were attempting to capture the city
in order to turn it into an open air research prison,
to perform terrace experiments upon its people, to turn them
into biospawn. General Alafonsa Bueneventura fell in the fighting in
(14:09):
a live stream moment that will live forever in our minds,
she with the rest of her polycule, covered the retreat
of her soldiers. As the four lovers were swarmed by shriekers,
She drew out a grenade and they all held hands.
She shouted something as she pulled the pin. We don't
know what she said, not really, it was lost to
(14:30):
the din. Some people looking at her lips, thinks she
shouted Viva Anarchia. Others believe it was Viva Aragon. You'll
be shocked to know that people whose primary allegiance is
to Anarcosyndicalism believe the former, while those who favor Aragonian
independence as their primary concern believe it was the latter. Certainly,
(14:52):
Alaphonsa believed in both causes, but Occam's Razor says that
it was Viva Anarchia, and so it's people fled and
aragon fell. Why was I telling you all of this?
Oh right, the dinosaurs. The Aragonosaurus has been the mascot
of the Iberian Revolution ever since, in memory of the
(15:14):
wasteland that is now patrolled by fascists. If you ever
want to flirt with a Spanish revolutionary a little too aggressively,
just at the edge of actually insulting them, call the
Aragonosaurus a brontosaurus. In English, we pretty much call anything
with four legs and a tiny head and a long
neck a bronto, But in Catalonia that's blasphemy. I spent
(15:38):
months living in and reporting on Barcelona. The revolution had
a sort of carnival air as social barriers broke down
and everyone became friends, comrades, and lovers. I never saw
my marine palaeontologist's friend again. Sadly, I've heard she's probably
in Italy now continuing her research in a place not
under such dire threat. The aquatic dinosaur support we get
(16:00):
here even under blockade has certainly been essential, so I'm
grateful to her, But that hasn't stopped me from well
joining in the festivities, so to speak. For the first
month or so I was there, I lived with a
polycule of internationals and a building that was squatted even
before property was collectivized in the city. I had some
good times with them, but I'm not really built for
(16:22):
polycule life. There are so many nights you don't want
to play Warhammer forty k and I found myself out
at the bars looking for something a bit more novel.
But I bet Margaret wants to do a family friendly
of this report. Yes, yes, I do, so. I won't
get into too much detail about all of that just here,
(16:43):
But what I bet Margaret does want to do is
cynically transition to ads in the middle of this important
update about world affairs. Sure I'd love to. This podcast
is proudly sponsored by the International Rice Harvesters Union. Are
you a rice harvester? Statistically an awful lot of you
are and a growing number two Try joining a labor union.
(17:06):
It's nice there are songs you get paid more. The
International Rice Harvesters Union would also like to say to
all workers everywhere, join a union, just not ours. It's
for rice harvesters. This podcast is sponsored by Maggot Meat,
the only meat substitute made out of maggots. It's chalk
full of protein and maggots. Yum yum, gets some maggot meat.
(17:31):
This podcast is sponsored by the Concept of Potatoes. That's right,
after thirty some years, we finally got someone to give
us money to talk about potatoes. Potatoes are good. You
can grow them at home. You probably should grow them
at home because food shortages are a constant source of
suffering across the world. Grow your own survival garden with potatoes,
(18:09):
and we're back. During the day, I studied the anarcho
syndicalist movement, and I talked to its organizers about lessons
they've learned and what they wanted the rest of the
world to know. If I survive all of this, I
might turn that into a book. There's a big if
there about the surviving all of this. Ever since the
(18:32):
Phalanx took Aragon, the demons of Hell have been at
our door. The Vishnu shields went up, and they've stayed
up because force equalization favors the defender. The exodus or
lepikina ritorata. The little retreat happened a couple months ago. Now.
It was a beautiful action, performed perfectly. The Mediterranean was
(18:55):
swarming with biospahn, horrid murrhman creatures and zombie sharks and
just some of the worst things imaginable, Pleaseeosaur riders and
the CNT Navy, alongside the decent sized chunk of the
Irish Republican Navy, fought back the shrieking in the sea.
Most citizens, even the non combatants, and what does that
(19:15):
word even mean anymore. I'm a reporter and I carry
an ar fifteen. Most people elected to stay Barcelona, they swear,
will not become another Terragoza, considering a rather large chunk
of people here themselves fled Terragoza or Aragon. More broadly,
it's not an empty statement when they say that. But
(19:37):
researchers and engineers fled, bringing with them a decent chunk
of the cloning factories of the city, since those don't
work under vish new conditions. And there are many, many
people who rely on electricity for their work and their
wartime contributions, or even the just their day to day
physical health and survival. Tens of thousands of people loaded
(19:58):
into boats and sailed off for it Italy, and we
did not lose a single civilian boat or civilian Three
Irish and five sea and te ships went down, but
nearly every one of those sailors was rescued. There are
seventeen martyred heroes of the little retreat. I watched the
(20:18):
whole thing from the roof of a beachside motel, with
the rest of the press relying on actual binoculars and
telescopes instead of the drones I was used to using.
The shrieking was overwhelming for hours until it wasn't until
the sailors beat back the half living monsters of the sea,
until the tide washed red. And I'm not being as
(20:41):
hyperbolic here as you might imagine. The whole sea didn't
change color, but blood and bodies washed up for weeks
after the battle. The night of the battle, I took
six of those Irish Republican sailors home with me to
show them a little bit of syndicless hospitality. They drank
in honor of their friend they had lost that day.
(21:01):
Chuvaan was her name. I drank in honor of her too,
but it wasn't alcohol that I wanted going down my throat.
And then at this point, Mick's bunnyface murderer hand wrote
the code for an eggplant emoji so that it too
could be encrypted and then decrypted, even though it's an
audio medium. I only managed to file one report after
(21:24):
the Vishnu shield went up, a now peer reviewed preliminary
study on the sexual cultural differences of Irish Republican volunteers
and Catalonian and arcosyndicalists and the compatibilities of the two.
I did a lot of research for that study, got
a special chair to sit in the corner and observe
my subjects and everything. I got that study out look
(21:45):
forward in the Journal of Applied Sexuality. It should be
out by the time that you read this. But that
was it. The Iron curtain came down fast. The Falalaxi's
naval blockade has proven impenetrable to any but the canniest
of deep sea divers. The ar armies arrayed around us
are far too great for the brave few soldiers who
remain in Catalonia. So far we've repelled every attack, but
(22:09):
Catalonia is a land under siege. It will not survive
without international support. We desperately need someone, anyone, to attack
fascist Spain while they are busy with us. Most of
the fighting isn't in Barcelona. Sure, occasionally a terror unit
of the enemy will sneak in some zombies or some
(22:31):
terrible biospawn monsters, but the population here is armed and organized,
so those biospawn are neutralized quickly before they can do
too much damage to people or morale. Most of the
fighting is in the countryside. I decided to embed myself
with an international unit of mostly American and British stegosaurus
(22:51):
riders who call themselves the thag Hags, after the phagamizer,
the spiky bit at the end of a stegosaurus's tail.
They are led by Captain Simmons, a black British chap
who has taken to wearing a pith helmet ironically and
smoking a pipe earnestly. He's truly a wonderful man and
monogamously married before anyone asks, who cares deeply about the
(23:15):
people under his command, and even more about the stegosaurs.
We rode off to the front under a hail of
confetti and flowers. I cried, look, lots of stuff make
me cry. I cried writing about that polycule clutching the grenade,
yelling something or other with their last words. I cried
(23:35):
watching the battle as people fled the city. I even
cried during the festivities after the battle. The thag Hags
number only two hundred people and eighty seven stagosaurs, but
there were eight thousand of us marching out of the
city that day to the front. Many of the Irish
(23:56):
Republican Volunteers were there with us, as were a thousand
pan Affanists who'd been defending the city for years at
that point and had been preparing to head home but
have been trapped by the Iron Curtain. There was also, curiously,
a unit of Dreadnoughts. I don't know if you've covered
them on the show before. I haven't been able to
(24:17):
listen for a while now. I'm sorry about that, but
they're this unit with a rather unique selling point. They
boast the highest mortality rate of any unit in the
Internationalist forces. Their recruitment materials proudly declare that the average
Dreadnought dies in their second engagement. They marched in their
medieval armor beside or astride their massive war soars. It
(24:42):
was strange to be in their company. They're like a
walking Memento Morii. I determined that once we got to
the front I would get to know some of them
a little bit better. There's something incredibly seductive about death
and about those who straddle the line between life and death.
I don't really know if in French they actually call
(25:03):
orgasms little deaths, but if they do, it makes sense
to me. So we marched out of the city, out
to the camp at the place. I can't tell you,
and I can't tell you how long it took us
to get there, but eventually we got there. We got
to the front. As for what I saw while I
was there, the audience is going to have to wait
(25:24):
another week unless Cool Zone Media has changed its schedule
since I've been gone. And that's it for part one
of In Bed with the Dreadnoughts by Mixed Bunny Face Murder.
We'll be back with more of it next week, Okay,
Margaret in twenty twenty five. Here just letting you know
that if you like my writing, you might like my
(25:45):
upcoming book, The Immortal Choir Holds Every Voice. If you
heard me read a book called The Lamb Will Slaughter
the Lion to Robert Evans here on cool Zone Media
book Club. Well, this book, The Immortal Choir Holds Every Voice,
is a sort of prequel to that one. It's technically
the third in the series, and it's going to be
kickstarted soon March twenty twenty five, and you can sign
up for notifications by searching the Immortal Choir Kickstarter. Because
(26:08):
no one's ever going to remember the full title of
my books, because that's the way I title my books.
I name them things like the Barrow will send what
it may. Anyway, if you search the Immortal Choir Kickstarter
and go to the pre launch page over there, you
can click a little like tell me about when it
goes live button, and you should because then you'll know
about it when the kickstarter goes live, and I'll have
(26:29):
audiobooks of all three Daniel Kaine books available through that kickstarter,
I believe too. Anyway, if you're listening to this on
January nineteenth, twenty twenty five, the day it comes out,
and you live in the US, good luck, tomorrow. I
hope we all make it. See y'all soon. It Could
Happen Here as a production of cool Zone Media. For
(26:50):
more podcasts from cool Zone Media, visit our website coolzonemedia
dot com, or check us out on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Find sources
for It Could Happen Here, updated monthly at coolzonemedia dot
com slash sources.
Speaker 1 (27:05):
Thanks for listening.