November 23, 2023 • 23 mins
With everything going on the world, we reflect on our state of minds and the state of the world.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. Welcome to stuff I
ever told your protection by heart radio.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And welcome to another happy hour. If you are partaking
in drinks or whatever you are doing at this moment,
do it with caution slash care, slash self preservation and responsibly. Obviously,
if we speak of anything such as a brand or
a name, not necessarily a sponsor. Who knows maybe one day,
(00:40):
maybe not, Maybe we're calling them out and they'll never
ask us to be there.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
It's not currently a sponsor, and if they were, we
would say it because we would get sued so right,
and we would.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Get fined and we don't get paid enough little the
company might be okay, we are not. But anyway, outside
of that, Annie, are you getting something right now?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Red wine?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Red wine?
Speaker 1 (01:03):
No cider today, No, I'm done with the cider. The
cider is officially gone. Yeah, it was a nice mot plastic.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
But it was nice fib plastide. I am sticking with
water today because I am already sleepy, like at thin.
It's just a constant thing of me being sleepy. We've
already talked about this and today's happy hour. It's just
gonna be a gin wine. So I really should have
had a wine. So it's gonna be a bigin water
(01:29):
for me some wine as you listen. Okay, but there's
several things update. First and foremost, Peaches has gotten her
stitches removed and she's doing very well. We got her
test result back for her giant mass and it is
nothing more than like fatty tissues essentially that just doesn't
(01:49):
spread necessarily, just you know, grows in the spot area,
kind of the best case scenario. So that's the good news.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
She was a bit of a.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Mess because we went this morning actually to get this
morning being the day we record, which is November sixteenth,
to get her stitches removed, and she was a mess.
That was the whole thing. But she didn't have to
be sedated. That was the good news. And she got
it done. She's home and she's happy, ish happy, and
she's definitely not like the most happy because you're like,
(02:17):
what the hell is that taste the bed like tries
to run out the door every time, but she she
did it, so she was okay, not good, but okay.
That so that's well. Game, y'all. This game that I
talked about previously, that I whined about, I just got
scammed for the first time, and I'm very it made
me sad. It's like physically made me sad that it
(02:38):
still kind of affects my mood right now. I'd be
high anxious right now. But I was just like, I
almost like I looked at my partner, I was like
that that made me so sad, to the point that
he kind of got concerned, Yeah, are you are you
going to be okay? They're not nice people in this place.
It's just a game. I don't understand. It's okay. I'm fine,
I'm fine. I just I wanted to kind of take
(02:58):
a moment about that. But HM, with that high anxiety
is stressed. Like I've noticed, as we talked about previously
on one of your happy hours, that lingering anxiety that
carries over where you start overthinking and then it just
affects everything else, Like I did all of these things wrong,
and then you start like really analyzing about all the
bad things that you've done in life and or recently,
(03:19):
and or things falling apart, and then predicting everything's going
to fall apart. That's kind of where I am. And
it happened immediately after the time change. Immediately it was
so immediate, like the darkness, it felt like it fell
on my soul. Annie, it fell on my soul. Okay,
I was at least distracted for a second by all
(03:41):
these different things, like you know, the surgery, which like
at least I was busy, and I'm still kind of
busy because we're planning to travel to Charleston to see
my partner's family for Thanksgiving. We're switching it up this
year and doing Thanksgiving with his family Chris with mine,
which all this this has become a thing, and it's
(04:03):
really really stressful because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
You want to be where you're more comfortable, but then
you have obligations so you don't neglect somebody. My family
I've talked about previously that my brother got remarried to
a woman who is very nice. They're very happy, but
they have five additional kids. They are all under the
age of twelve, and that's a lot. That's a lot
(04:26):
to add to a household that already has a lot
of children. And then we're talking about how to buy
presents because you know immediately it's about the commercial aspect
of it all, and at the same time, I'm like,
I would love I want these children who I don't
know really well I met once to have a great
Christmas and have a great experience. And part of that
is opening gifts, and because there are so many like
(04:47):
our households, like maybe we shouldn't they should draw names,
you know, which is fair and all that. But then
like my older nieces and nephew, and I thought I
was swore I would never be this person because I
watched these k drabas and I'm like, why would you
treat any of them differently, like the step children or
the step nieces or they're the ones that are like
I didn't see growing up or any of that that
(05:08):
I would treat them the same. But I kind of don't.
And I realized, I'm like, wow, that's not that's not
necessarily nice. But the part of the thing is like
I never got to give gifts to the nieces and
nephew that I did see grow up. I didn't make
enough money to give them like the gifts that I
would love to have given until just recently and now
they're all like graduating from high school and grown. But
(05:29):
I'm like, I now have the opportunity to give you something.
And I remember immediately between high school and college and
right after college being completely broke, I mean up until
like two years ago, being completely broke, you know, like
and having hoping that my aunt or my uncle or
someone would give me the extra twenty bucks for Christmas
(05:49):
so that I could, you know, afford to do some
things or maybe even help pay the bills, and so like,
I really feel that, and I want to give that
to them, but then I feel like it's unfair for
me to give them that and then not give the
young young children who are just coming into the family
who they are family now, But I still can't quite
grasp that because I have not seen them. I can't
(06:11):
remember their names, Like that's like I'm going to have
to ask somebody my family what their names are again.
And my older brother got married several years ago, so
many years ago, and she had two children who now
they are married and that they have kids, I can't
remember nerve of their names either. There's so much that
(06:34):
I'm like, you know, the level of like trying to
keep up, and I hate that level, Like I feel
like I have I have favorite testing them. I'm not
trying to favor anymore. Just like I just know these
four versus the rest of them, which I moved away
and don't see except for family occasions. And because I'm
very uncomfortable because of our differences and being adopted and
(06:57):
all these different things that it is just awkward that
I don't know what to do about all of it.
So these levels of stress, and then we got the
other side where you know my partner and it's just
(07:20):
his two other siblings. There's no additions. Neither one of
them are married, neither one of them currently are in
a relationship. Maybe they are not that not that I
know of. I'm the kind of like for all you know,
intend and purposes, the in law I guess that let
that's come along that celebrates with them. He is the
oldest my partner, so I'm even older than him. But
(07:42):
all of that to say is like I'm the first
to be a part of the family traditions with them,
and they do a good job because the parents are
actually divorced. His parents are divorced, but they agreed a
little while ago that they could do holidays together so
they don't have to separate it. So that's lovely to
see and it's more enjoyable and more relaxing and less
(08:02):
stressful to me obviously, So this level of like, Okay,
we have to split these, we have to see where
we want to go. I can't neglect my family, my
own family, even though oliviously I wish I could avoid it.
I hope none of my family listens to this. But
all of that on top of I just never liked
(08:25):
the holidays. It wasn't a thing to me growing until
I came into the US, So I found that odd.
I found that level of like I was excited, but
at the same time like thinking that it would go
away at any moment, as well as the fact that
in comparison to what other kids had, it was like
my parents did an amazing job, don't get me wrong,
(08:46):
and making it amazing, but like, you know, the differences
with the kids who were probably less happy but with
more stuff felt different, like the differences growing up and
trying to figure out what the was why didn't this
exist before when I was really having a hard time
and never had choice to begin with, to this to
(09:08):
like trying to sustain some semblance of sanity with around
my family as we disagreed or argued or whatever whatnot,
whether it was because I wasn't married, or whether because
you know, I was too liberal or all these things,
or at one point I was too religious. Like it
was just constant, and now to this being adulthood and
(09:31):
being nice to each other, but at the same time
navigating new family members and trying to be kind and
considered on one and not hurting anybody's feelings. It's a mess.
And I'm not even in charge of anything. And We've
talked about that previously obviously a few times. So right now,
like everything fells like chaos, I feel like I'm saying,
(09:58):
but at the same time also very sad and sleepy
and busy, and we're trying to get so much done
a peck behind the curtains in such a small amount
of time. So we can have days off when when
I say days off, just not recording or not researching
(10:19):
and just being somewhere or like I will be yet
driving six hours one way, you know, so twelve hours
of that time is just traveling. So all of that
it's a lot, and I'm trying to navigate that space again,
And I know we talk about this every year, but
it just is a constant, It's a constant battle. And
(10:40):
then you know, as we keep as I keep getting older,
I feel I feel like disappointed. I feel disappointed that
it's not more settled. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Yeah, yeah, I know. We talked about this recently, I
think in my Life Day episode. But there's when you're
a kid, you know there's stress around all this stuff, certainly,
but when you get older, you're like, oh God, this
is the holidays. Move from like oh fun time to
(11:18):
oh God. And then I feel like everyone is acknowledging
now in commercials even that it's so stressful, and it
feels like and I've been thinking about this recently with
the pandemic and how because I'm going to be wearing
the same sweater I wear every year on Life Day
(11:38):
tomorrow and I'm going to be doing the same thing.
And I was like, I kept feeling about the pandemic,
Well in the next year, this will get better, well
in the next year, this will get better well in
the next year, and then things just don't feel like
they're getting better at all, not just in the pandemic
but generally. And I feel that too, of like I
(12:02):
was hoping that one day because my my family, I'm
very lucky that we agree politically on most things, but
somehow we still fight. Somehow we still fight. And I
love seeing my mom and I love hanging out with
(12:24):
my mom. And it's really nice too. She has like
a really nice yard and I just like sitting outside
and it's nice. I don't have that here. But it's
all so true. And I was trying to look into
this the other day that, like I just I have
many great memories there, but I have many bad memories there.
(12:45):
So it's like, right, I wish I too, had been
hoping for a point when that wouldn't be like, maybe
it was still there, but it wouldn't be the thing
that I'm like as weeks ahead of time about that
it would have kind of eased up a little bit
(13:06):
or something.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, at what point does it feel like you were
coming into that friendly Folger's commercial hug to your family?
When does that happen? And you know, I have to
recognize on top of this, with all of the things
that are happening around the world, the guilt slash the
privilege in this conversation of seeing family, of going traveling,
(13:30):
of being able to free to move, being alive, of
being in somewhat peace situation that it's hard to understand
what's happening and how trivial what we're talking about, and
feeling guilty for that too, Like I don't we should.
(13:51):
I mean, let's just be very clear. That is humanity.
That's what you, as a human, as a person, as
someone with feeling should feel. I know that's not odd
as we talk about self care or self care, but
at the same time, you can't. You can't let go
of that because that is inhumane to be able to
do that. There are something if you think that that's
(14:12):
not easy, you should reconsider what you're paying attention to.
I think that's the best way to say it. Don't
get me wrong, I'm the same. While I'm not saying despair,
I'm not saying, you know, harm yourself in any way.
But we have to recognize that that's still going on
and things are happening, as well as the fact that
Thanksgiving is racist just racist. Like I'm like, we should
(14:35):
not do this, but at the same time, like, there's
a piece that we have to hold with family, and
we do want to see family. These are the opportunities.
You know. My partner's sister is a teacher. She gets
to tam off she gets to see our family and
they are very close and they want to see each other.
Like things like that, Like that exists, and it's this
institution is upheld by a racist situation. So we have
(14:58):
to acknowledge that in what we're doing, it's racist, like
going to acknowledge it. There's this conversation about what best
to do. The twenty third will be the national Day
of Morning. I believe there's like things that you could read,
things that you can watch to at least acknowledge and
to educate yourself, educate ourselves on that. So there's that level.
So there's so many levels to this of like you
(15:21):
can't not face it. Pretending like it doesn't exist is
not helping anyone. Is there a way to as an
individual solve it? I don't know, you know, Like there's
so many things that we could help, we could help do.
We talked about like one of the biggest things is witnessing.
Witnessing and acknowledging that it's happening. That has to be
(15:42):
something that we do as well, so we don't forget. Also,
so we don't allow for propaganda to overtake what is
actually happening. There are so many things y'all that it
(16:04):
just feels heavy. It feels so heavy, And I think
that's part of my problem is acknowledging and understanding some
of that heaviness coming from literally orphanage to this will
never leave me, which is why I always feel guilty
that I'm not grateful for something and then I'm not
contributing to something on a bigger scale, Like at least
(16:25):
when I was doing social work, I felt like I
was sacrificing a bit of my physical and mental health
for something and it felt right, but looking back on it,
like it was still the wrong way, Like it was
still the wrong way. Like it just like I feel
like I fed into a system that did not help.
I may have helped individual families because I was able
(16:47):
to at least stop the system for them and some
of the kids, but I also upheld some of the
systems for kids because I didn't know what else to do. Like,
it's just there's so much to this that like it
just feels like the added guilt of like I should
not be able to I should not be doing this
because it does uphold a racist system. But at the
(17:09):
same time, like what battles do I choose and how
do I acknowledge it, and all of that feels so heavy.
And I say this again in a privileged situation where
I'm sitting in a booth talking into a computer getting paid,
you know, like there are so many things to that
that I'm like, I know, I know. This is outside
(17:31):
of like where you see people literally setting themselves on
fire to try to bring attention to a conflict that
is happening around the world. The genocide that is happening
around the world, the constant wars and battles and death
and sickness and like all those things, and that's even
happening in our backyards. The shootings, the deaths, the women
(17:55):
being denied access, all of these things. There's so much
that it feels overwhelming, Like as I'm talking to you,
like I'm overwhelmed, you know, there's so many things that
it just feels hard mm hmm. And at the same time,
I know it's supposed to be mm hmmm. So where
(18:15):
is that balance, you know, And and that's I don't
think that's never going to be really figured out without
also trying not to be the woe of the world
type of person. That is just it's a lot, it's
a lot, and for the holidays, I feel like it
(18:36):
gets compacted into even more.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
It does. I think it does because there's a pressure
for a lot of people. You're supposed to it's supposed
to be like a good time, but then you put
that pressure on there and then it's like and you
don't see these people all the time, or at least
in my case, I have other I'm always interested when
I talk to friends where it's not this situation for them,
(19:01):
and I think part of it is they just see
their family a lot, so it's a much more like
she just have a slightly bigger meal than we normally
would have, right, But it really is. I think there's
a lot of stuff around why it is stressful for
so many people. And I will say for me, my mom,
(19:22):
it's fine, she has COVID. Supposedly we'll be fine by then,
I guess hopefully. But my little brother, my older brother
got in a fight, so he's not coming, which is fine,
Like I mean, it's not great, but it's like it's
just gonna be the thing hanging over it is like
he's not there, you know what I mean. Like it's
(19:44):
it's not that I'm like upset, Yeah, I'm sad I
won't see him, but it's not like I'm like, oh God,
but it's just gonna be hanging over the whole thing, right,
And I think a lot of people have situations like
that in their families.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Yeah right, I mean I think there are definitely in
similar situations as us, especially as myself, about the conflict
between our families, trying to really navigate this time to
being conscientious. Like, being conscientious is the key of all
of this. I'm not telling you to be crying all
(20:22):
the time about it, but again, like there's this awareness
that we have to be fully fully awake too, and
I think that's also that level. I am not fund
at parties, We'll just say that, so don't invite me.
But yeah, I think there's a lot to be that,
(20:42):
And you know, I do want to say I am
thankful for so many things. But again, like this holiday
that we're as you're listening, if you're listening on the
day that this is released, it's racist. So trying not
to acknowledge that is is not the answer either. So
(21:05):
all these things, we will tell you this, I'm very
very thankful that we do have this platform, very grateful
that we have listeners who understand this conversation and understand
it to the core, and we want to acknowledge that
there's so much privilege in everything that we've talked about
(21:27):
and to the point that it gets tiresome. We know,
we know, we know. But for those who are struggling,
we also see you. I think that's that's the biggest
key to this is that we see you and we
won't stop talking about it. And if we seem like
we're lacking in something, please let us know, because we'd never, ever, ever,
(21:50):
ever want to be the hosts that can't see beyond
our own experiences. That would be the biggest I think,
like straw on the back for me, you'll be like, okay,
let's send a quip. I quit everything is if that
was the case that we can't or we don't acknowledge,
(22:10):
or we don't talk about or ignore the bigger conversations
or some of the things that we might not feel
today ourselves in our small corner over here, but the
fact that we we are witnessing and we are witnessed
to what is happening.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Yes, well, cheers.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
I'm sorry, cheers, this wipe and.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Wine, that's all right. It's you know, unnecessary. You know,
I haven't I haven't spoken to my mom about the
book yet, but I can update. She did say. She
did say that she learned a lot about intersectional feminism
from it. So I think I love it. I think that,
you know, it's good to know that we're still reaching
(22:55):
people and still hopefully doing something. Yes, as well, listeners,
whatever you're doing, we hope that you're well and as always,
we would love to hear from you. You can emails
at Stephanie and mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You
can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or
(23:15):
on Instagram and TikTok at stuff When Never Told You.
We have a tea public store, and yes, we do
have a book that you can get wherever you get
your books. Thank you too, our super producer Christina, our
executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey. Thank you and
thanks to you for listening. Stephan Never Told You is
a production by Heart Radio. For more podcasts or my
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Apple Podcasts, or where you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. Welcome to stuff I
ever told your protection by heart radio.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
And welcome to another happy hour. If you are partaking
in drinks or whatever you are doing at this moment,
do it with caution slash care, slash self preservation and responsibly. Obviously,
if we speak of anything such as a brand or
a name, not necessarily a sponsor. Who knows maybe one day,
(00:40):
maybe not, Maybe we're calling them out and they'll never
ask us to be there.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
It's not currently a sponsor, and if they were, we
would say it because we would get sued so right,
and we would.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Get fined and we don't get paid enough little the
company might be okay, we are not. But anyway, outside
of that, Annie, are you getting something right now?
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Red wine?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
Red wine?
Speaker 1 (01:03):
No cider today, No, I'm done with the cider. The
cider is officially gone. Yeah, it was a nice mot plastic.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
But it was nice fib plastide. I am sticking with
water today because I am already sleepy, like at thin.
It's just a constant thing of me being sleepy. We've
already talked about this and today's happy hour. It's just
gonna be a gin wine. So I really should have
had a wine. So it's gonna be a bigin water
(01:29):
for me some wine as you listen. Okay, but there's
several things update. First and foremost, Peaches has gotten her
stitches removed and she's doing very well. We got her
test result back for her giant mass and it is
nothing more than like fatty tissues essentially that just doesn't
(01:49):
spread necessarily, just you know, grows in the spot area,
kind of the best case scenario. So that's the good news.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
She was a bit of a.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Mess because we went this morning actually to get this
morning being the day we record, which is November sixteenth,
to get her stitches removed, and she was a mess.
That was the whole thing. But she didn't have to
be sedated. That was the good news. And she got
it done. She's home and she's happy, ish happy, and
she's definitely not like the most happy because you're like,
(02:17):
what the hell is that taste the bed like tries
to run out the door every time, but she she
did it, so she was okay, not good, but okay.
That so that's well. Game, y'all. This game that I
talked about previously, that I whined about, I just got
scammed for the first time, and I'm very it made
me sad. It's like physically made me sad that it
(02:38):
still kind of affects my mood right now. I'd be
high anxious right now. But I was just like, I
almost like I looked at my partner, I was like
that that made me so sad, to the point that
he kind of got concerned, Yeah, are you are you
going to be okay? They're not nice people in this place.
It's just a game. I don't understand. It's okay. I'm fine,
I'm fine. I just I wanted to kind of take
(02:58):
a moment about that. But HM, with that high anxiety
is stressed. Like I've noticed, as we talked about previously
on one of your happy hours, that lingering anxiety that
carries over where you start overthinking and then it just
affects everything else, Like I did all of these things wrong,
and then you start like really analyzing about all the
bad things that you've done in life and or recently,
(03:19):
and or things falling apart, and then predicting everything's going
to fall apart. That's kind of where I am. And
it happened immediately after the time change. Immediately it was
so immediate, like the darkness, it felt like it fell
on my soul. Annie, it fell on my soul. Okay,
I was at least distracted for a second by all
(03:41):
these different things, like you know, the surgery, which like
at least I was busy, and I'm still kind of
busy because we're planning to travel to Charleston to see
my partner's family for Thanksgiving. We're switching it up this
year and doing Thanksgiving with his family Chris with mine,
which all this this has become a thing, and it's
(04:03):
really really stressful because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
You want to be where you're more comfortable, but then
you have obligations so you don't neglect somebody. My family
I've talked about previously that my brother got remarried to
a woman who is very nice. They're very happy, but
they have five additional kids. They are all under the
age of twelve, and that's a lot. That's a lot
(04:26):
to add to a household that already has a lot
of children. And then we're talking about how to buy
presents because you know immediately it's about the commercial aspect
of it all, and at the same time, I'm like,
I would love I want these children who I don't
know really well I met once to have a great
Christmas and have a great experience. And part of that
is opening gifts, and because there are so many like
(04:47):
our households, like maybe we shouldn't they should draw names,
you know, which is fair and all that. But then
like my older nieces and nephew, and I thought I
was swore I would never be this person because I
watched these k drabas and I'm like, why would you
treat any of them differently, like the step children or
the step nieces or they're the ones that are like
I didn't see growing up or any of that that
(05:08):
I would treat them the same. But I kind of don't.
And I realized, I'm like, wow, that's not that's not
necessarily nice. But the part of the thing is like
I never got to give gifts to the nieces and
nephew that I did see grow up. I didn't make
enough money to give them like the gifts that I
would love to have given until just recently and now
they're all like graduating from high school and grown. But
(05:29):
I'm like, I now have the opportunity to give you something.
And I remember immediately between high school and college and
right after college being completely broke, I mean up until
like two years ago, being completely broke, you know, like
and having hoping that my aunt or my uncle or
someone would give me the extra twenty bucks for Christmas
(05:49):
so that I could, you know, afford to do some
things or maybe even help pay the bills, and so like,
I really feel that, and I want to give that
to them, but then I feel like it's unfair for
me to give them that and then not give the
young young children who are just coming into the family
who they are family now, But I still can't quite
grasp that because I have not seen them. I can't
(06:11):
remember their names, Like that's like I'm going to have
to ask somebody my family what their names are again.
And my older brother got married several years ago, so
many years ago, and she had two children who now
they are married and that they have kids, I can't
remember nerve of their names either. There's so much that
(06:34):
I'm like, you know, the level of like trying to
keep up, and I hate that level, Like I feel
like I have I have favorite testing them. I'm not
trying to favor anymore. Just like I just know these
four versus the rest of them, which I moved away
and don't see except for family occasions. And because I'm
very uncomfortable because of our differences and being adopted and
(06:57):
all these different things that it is just awkward that
I don't know what to do about all of it.
So these levels of stress, and then we got the
other side where you know my partner and it's just
(07:20):
his two other siblings. There's no additions. Neither one of
them are married, neither one of them currently are in
a relationship. Maybe they are not that not that I
know of. I'm the kind of like for all you know,
intend and purposes, the in law I guess that let
that's come along that celebrates with them. He is the
oldest my partner, so I'm even older than him. But
(07:42):
all of that to say is like I'm the first
to be a part of the family traditions with them,
and they do a good job because the parents are
actually divorced. His parents are divorced, but they agreed a
little while ago that they could do holidays together so
they don't have to separate it. So that's lovely to
see and it's more enjoyable and more relaxing and less
(08:02):
stressful to me obviously, So this level of like, Okay,
we have to split these, we have to see where
we want to go. I can't neglect my family, my
own family, even though oliviously I wish I could avoid it.
I hope none of my family listens to this. But
all of that on top of I just never liked
(08:25):
the holidays. It wasn't a thing to me growing until
I came into the US, So I found that odd.
I found that level of like I was excited, but
at the same time like thinking that it would go
away at any moment, as well as the fact that
in comparison to what other kids had, it was like
my parents did an amazing job, don't get me wrong,
(08:46):
and making it amazing, but like, you know, the differences
with the kids who were probably less happy but with
more stuff felt different, like the differences growing up and
trying to figure out what the was why didn't this
exist before when I was really having a hard time
and never had choice to begin with, to this to
(09:08):
like trying to sustain some semblance of sanity with around
my family as we disagreed or argued or whatever whatnot,
whether it was because I wasn't married, or whether because
you know, I was too liberal or all these things,
or at one point I was too religious. Like it
was just constant, and now to this being adulthood and
(09:31):
being nice to each other, but at the same time
navigating new family members and trying to be kind and
considered on one and not hurting anybody's feelings. It's a mess.
And I'm not even in charge of anything. And We've
talked about that previously obviously a few times. So right now,
like everything fells like chaos, I feel like I'm saying,
(09:58):
but at the same time also very sad and sleepy
and busy, and we're trying to get so much done
a peck behind the curtains in such a small amount
of time. So we can have days off when when
I say days off, just not recording or not researching
(10:19):
and just being somewhere or like I will be yet
driving six hours one way, you know, so twelve hours
of that time is just traveling. So all of that
it's a lot, and I'm trying to navigate that space again,
And I know we talk about this every year, but
it just is a constant, It's a constant battle. And
(10:40):
then you know, as we keep as I keep getting older,
I feel I feel like disappointed. I feel disappointed that
it's not more settled. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Yeah, yeah, I know. We talked about this recently, I
think in my Life Day episode. But there's when you're
a kid, you know there's stress around all this stuff, certainly,
but when you get older, you're like, oh God, this
is the holidays. Move from like oh fun time to
(11:18):
oh God. And then I feel like everyone is acknowledging
now in commercials even that it's so stressful, and it
feels like and I've been thinking about this recently with
the pandemic and how because I'm going to be wearing
the same sweater I wear every year on Life Day
(11:38):
tomorrow and I'm going to be doing the same thing.
And I was like, I kept feeling about the pandemic,
Well in the next year, this will get better, well
in the next year, this will get better well in
the next year, and then things just don't feel like
they're getting better at all, not just in the pandemic
but generally. And I feel that too, of like I
(12:02):
was hoping that one day because my my family, I'm
very lucky that we agree politically on most things, but
somehow we still fight. Somehow we still fight. And I
love seeing my mom and I love hanging out with
(12:24):
my mom. And it's really nice too. She has like
a really nice yard and I just like sitting outside
and it's nice. I don't have that here. But it's
all so true. And I was trying to look into
this the other day that, like I just I have
many great memories there, but I have many bad memories there.
(12:45):
So it's like, right, I wish I too, had been
hoping for a point when that wouldn't be like, maybe
it was still there, but it wouldn't be the thing
that I'm like as weeks ahead of time about that
it would have kind of eased up a little bit
(13:06):
or something.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, at what point does it feel like you were
coming into that friendly Folger's commercial hug to your family?
When does that happen? And you know, I have to
recognize on top of this, with all of the things
that are happening around the world, the guilt slash the
privilege in this conversation of seeing family, of going traveling,
(13:30):
of being able to free to move, being alive, of
being in somewhat peace situation that it's hard to understand
what's happening and how trivial what we're talking about, and
feeling guilty for that too, Like I don't we should.
(13:51):
I mean, let's just be very clear. That is humanity.
That's what you, as a human, as a person, as
someone with feeling should feel. I know that's not odd
as we talk about self care or self care, but
at the same time, you can't. You can't let go
of that because that is inhumane to be able to
do that. There are something if you think that that's
(14:12):
not easy, you should reconsider what you're paying attention to.
I think that's the best way to say it. Don't
get me wrong, I'm the same. While I'm not saying despair,
I'm not saying, you know, harm yourself in any way.
But we have to recognize that that's still going on
and things are happening, as well as the fact that
Thanksgiving is racist just racist. Like I'm like, we should
(14:35):
not do this, but at the same time, like, there's
a piece that we have to hold with family, and
we do want to see family. These are the opportunities.
You know. My partner's sister is a teacher. She gets
to tam off she gets to see our family and
they are very close and they want to see each other.
Like things like that, Like that exists, and it's this
institution is upheld by a racist situation. So we have
(14:58):
to acknowledge that in what we're doing, it's racist, like
going to acknowledge it. There's this conversation about what best
to do. The twenty third will be the national Day
of Morning. I believe there's like things that you could read,
things that you can watch to at least acknowledge and
to educate yourself, educate ourselves on that. So there's that level.
So there's so many levels to this of like you
(15:21):
can't not face it. Pretending like it doesn't exist is
not helping anyone. Is there a way to as an
individual solve it? I don't know, you know, Like there's
so many things that we could help, we could help do.
We talked about like one of the biggest things is witnessing.
Witnessing and acknowledging that it's happening. That has to be
(15:42):
something that we do as well, so we don't forget. Also,
so we don't allow for propaganda to overtake what is
actually happening. There are so many things y'all that it
(16:04):
just feels heavy. It feels so heavy, And I think
that's part of my problem is acknowledging and understanding some
of that heaviness coming from literally orphanage to this will
never leave me, which is why I always feel guilty
that I'm not grateful for something and then I'm not
contributing to something on a bigger scale, Like at least
(16:25):
when I was doing social work, I felt like I
was sacrificing a bit of my physical and mental health
for something and it felt right, but looking back on it,
like it was still the wrong way, Like it was
still the wrong way. Like it just like I feel
like I fed into a system that did not help.
I may have helped individual families because I was able
(16:47):
to at least stop the system for them and some
of the kids, but I also upheld some of the
systems for kids because I didn't know what else to do. Like,
it's just there's so much to this that like it
just feels like the added guilt of like I should
not be able to I should not be doing this
because it does uphold a racist system. But at the
(17:09):
same time, like what battles do I choose and how
do I acknowledge it, and all of that feels so heavy.
And I say this again in a privileged situation where
I'm sitting in a booth talking into a computer getting paid,
you know, like there are so many things to that
that I'm like, I know, I know. This is outside
(17:31):
of like where you see people literally setting themselves on
fire to try to bring attention to a conflict that
is happening around the world. The genocide that is happening
around the world, the constant wars and battles and death
and sickness and like all those things, and that's even
happening in our backyards. The shootings, the deaths, the women
(17:55):
being denied access, all of these things. There's so much
that it feels overwhelming, Like as I'm talking to you,
like I'm overwhelmed, you know, there's so many things that
it just feels hard mm hmm. And at the same time,
I know it's supposed to be mm hmmm. So where
(18:15):
is that balance, you know, And and that's I don't
think that's never going to be really figured out without
also trying not to be the woe of the world
type of person. That is just it's a lot, it's
a lot, and for the holidays, I feel like it
(18:36):
gets compacted into even more.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
It does. I think it does because there's a pressure
for a lot of people. You're supposed to it's supposed
to be like a good time, but then you put
that pressure on there and then it's like and you
don't see these people all the time, or at least
in my case, I have other I'm always interested when
I talk to friends where it's not this situation for them,
(19:01):
and I think part of it is they just see
their family a lot, so it's a much more like
she just have a slightly bigger meal than we normally
would have, right, But it really is. I think there's
a lot of stuff around why it is stressful for
so many people. And I will say for me, my mom,
(19:22):
it's fine, she has COVID. Supposedly we'll be fine by then,
I guess hopefully. But my little brother, my older brother
got in a fight, so he's not coming, which is fine,
Like I mean, it's not great, but it's like it's
just gonna be the thing hanging over it is like
he's not there, you know what I mean. Like it's
(19:44):
it's not that I'm like upset, Yeah, I'm sad I
won't see him, but it's not like I'm like, oh God,
but it's just gonna be hanging over the whole thing, right,
And I think a lot of people have situations like
that in their families.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Yeah right, I mean I think there are definitely in
similar situations as us, especially as myself, about the conflict
between our families, trying to really navigate this time to
being conscientious. Like, being conscientious is the key of all
of this. I'm not telling you to be crying all
(20:22):
the time about it, but again, like there's this awareness
that we have to be fully fully awake too, and
I think that's also that level. I am not fund
at parties, We'll just say that, so don't invite me.
But yeah, I think there's a lot to be that,
(20:42):
And you know, I do want to say I am
thankful for so many things. But again, like this holiday
that we're as you're listening, if you're listening on the
day that this is released, it's racist. So trying not
to acknowledge that is is not the answer either. So
(21:05):
all these things, we will tell you this, I'm very
very thankful that we do have this platform, very grateful
that we have listeners who understand this conversation and understand
it to the core, and we want to acknowledge that
there's so much privilege in everything that we've talked about
(21:27):
and to the point that it gets tiresome. We know,
we know, we know. But for those who are struggling,
we also see you. I think that's that's the biggest
key to this is that we see you and we
won't stop talking about it. And if we seem like
we're lacking in something, please let us know, because we'd never, ever, ever,
(21:50):
ever want to be the hosts that can't see beyond
our own experiences. That would be the biggest I think,
like straw on the back for me, you'll be like, okay,
let's send a quip. I quit everything is if that
was the case that we can't or we don't acknowledge,
(22:10):
or we don't talk about or ignore the bigger conversations
or some of the things that we might not feel
today ourselves in our small corner over here, but the
fact that we we are witnessing and we are witnessed
to what is happening.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
Yes, well, cheers.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
I'm sorry, cheers, this wipe and.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Wine, that's all right. It's you know, unnecessary. You know,
I haven't I haven't spoken to my mom about the
book yet, but I can update. She did say. She
did say that she learned a lot about intersectional feminism
from it. So I think I love it. I think that,
you know, it's good to know that we're still reaching
(22:55):
people and still hopefully doing something. Yes, as well, listeners,
whatever you're doing, we hope that you're well and as always,
we would love to hear from you. You can emails
at Stephanie and mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You
can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or
(23:15):
on Instagram and TikTok at stuff When Never Told You.
We have a tea public store, and yes, we do
have a book that you can get wherever you get
your books. Thank you too, our super producer Christina, our
executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey. Thank you and
thanks to you for listening. Stephan Never Told You is
a production by Heart Radio. For more podcasts or my
heart Radio, you can check out the heart Radio app,
Apple Podcasts, or where you listen to your favorite shows.
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