July 22, 2026 • 18 mins
What is hyper independence? What does it have to do with women, trauma and relationships? We explain in this classic episode.
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha and not come stuff.
I never told affection.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I heard you. And today we're bringing back a shorter
episode we did on hyper independence because we just did
an episode on codependence and I just as I was
(00:31):
looking into it, I was thinking, I can see how
this is also a kind of branch of this of
this big puzzle that we're talking about, is what is
hybrid dependence and why are women in trauma specifically involved
with it? So please enjoy this classic episode.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Stuff I never told your protection of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
And welcome to another Monday Mini where I'm going to
talk about how TikTok has attacked me.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Okay again ran TikTok No.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
So there was a video not too long ago where
they were talking about how some and they were specifically
talking about women in relationships cannot function in relationships or
art can't do healthy relationships because of hyper independence. And
it is exactly what you think it is. It is
when an individual is extremely self reliant and a voice
(01:44):
going to other people for support or help. And just
for this Monday Minui, just so you know, I am
taking a chunk of our information from two articles, once
from Sandstonescare dot com and the other one is brain
Means magazine dot com brings with a z oh yeah
(02:05):
magazine dot com where we talk about what hyperindependence is
and they talk about what that looks like in relationships
and what that looks like with trauma, because you know,
we love talking about trauma.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, that's what we talk about.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
In that Sandstone article, it says hyperindependence in a woman
is where she cannot or will not accept help, preferring
to do it all herself, and typically creates a strong,
superhuman persona.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I know you know what we're talking about. People. I
know you know, because again I felt attacked. I know
you do too.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Hyperindependence is often a childhood trauma response, though societal messaging
and conditioning are also worthy culprits, so it may not
necessarily completely trauma. We're talking about neglect, we're talking about abuse.
Obviously extreme neglect is high key in this too, but
(02:57):
also just societal messaging and conditioning. So we know, as women,
we are told that we need to be responsible or caretakers,
and we get that at a very young age. So
even if you think you had the normalist of the
relationships and normalist of childhood experiences being handed at baby
doll or being handed cookware and such. Couldn't imply that
(03:19):
you were supposed to care for other people. So you
should care for only yourself, not necessarily need help. You've
got to teach yourself right right. Of course, It continues
stemming from situations that led her to believe she could
only rely on herself to meet her knees or get
things done. Somewhere along the way, she found trusting in
others too difficult or too painful. Over time, this belief
(03:44):
leads to her needing greater control over her outcomes.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
And external circumstances.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
So I must say type a people here when we
talk about the need to make everything perfect or look perfect,
or do it right the first time, no mistakes whatsoever,
because if you make a mistake, it shows that you're
a lesser person. Again, this is me calling myself out
as well, because I'm one of those like if I
think I'm not going to be good at it, I
(04:11):
will never do it.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
You will not get me to do it.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I will sit there and stare at you like a
like a like I'm sleeping like a zombie because I'll
be like, nah, nah, if I don't look good.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I'm not doing it. I think it's very obvious.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
That sometimes when we when we're telling our kids to
shake it off, like there's a balance in these things.
But if you're overly dependent on your child, and when
we talked about with parentified kids, this is going to
be what is led the hyper independence and again.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
But not great, not great.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
So here are some of the common signs of hyperindependence,
which include mistrusted others, perfectionism, avoiding dependence on others, little
to know close relationships, not wanting to ask for help,
anxiety and depression, taking on too many responsibilities, stress and burnout,
and difficulties in relationships. How are we doing, Anny, what
(05:17):
are you saying?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
I'm taking it for both of us. I'm just saying
it for both of us.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
I've been reading this one, so I'm like, you haven't,
so I'm checking in with you.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
This is my first hearing about this, and I yeah,
I'm a little like Also, interestingly, we did kind of
talk about this. We didn't use this terminology, but in
our last Sex and the City with Maya, with Miranda
being so determined to not like.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Need any help.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
So I think that's an interesting part of it too,
because I discussed in their part of my my mistrust
in relationships is with guys is that if I tell
you I just want to be friends, you're not taking
me seriously. And so if I do trust you to
do a thing, then it's going to be like, but
I did this thing for you, right, which I thought
(06:10):
was a friend thing, and now I'm finding out you
did not think so.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Whoops.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
Yes, And by the way, so we're going to talk
what happens in relationships. But yes, so if we see
it as a hyperindependence as a form of a trauma response,
here's what they say. Individuals who have experienced trauma may
have had people in their life that emotionally or physically
abuse them, didn't meet their emotional needs, risk their safety,
or were unreliable or absent. These things can cause a
(06:42):
person to depend on themselves to survive and make them
feel that they cannot trust or rely on anyone else.
So I've talked about reactive attachment disorder. This could be
a key point in people being hyper independent as well.
Sometimes it goes the other way, it gets hyper code,
and we're not talking about that yet.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
That might be a follow up Monday. Many I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Now, I will say that this is not a formal diagnosis,
and again it's considered more of a trauma or a
stress response, so so you know, it can stem from
PTSD when a person goes through traumatic experience and then
learns or feels that they cannot trust others. Like we
(07:27):
said before, and this is the one that's calling me out.
Individuals with hyperindependence may have a fear of abandonment, often
because someone in the past was absent or abandoned them,
or several people's constantly where I was just handed it
around and shipped to a different country.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Anyway.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Because of this, they might avoid building close relationships with
others in order to minimize or prevent the chances of
that person abandoning them. It could be the very match,
I'm going to leave first, so you don't leave me
right because hella And some of the symptoms that happen
with this hyperindependence trauma is feeling shame if they have
(08:10):
to ask someone for help. Have you ever had that
moment where you're like raising my hand it's for a class,
for anything. My heart would race and I would have
to like think the sentence out four times before I
evend even think about asking that question, do you have?
This also isolation, depression of feeling unworthy or undeserving of support, anxiety,
(08:36):
thoughts of self harm, and substance abuse.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
And again this is of.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
Course a little more in depth in that you haven't
gotten treatment, you haven't gotten any help, any therapy rather,
And I find that interesting because yes, this is something
that a lot of women have to the point that
they would much rather are I think that's this whole
(09:02):
double conversation, like they would much rather be alone because
they're tired of being disappointed, because they have been taught
that eventually you will be disappointed.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Yeah, Yeah, And I do think there is a a
lot of conditioning around asking for help with women, of
it being it's interesting because there's almost two sides of
the coin, right. There's the feminist part where we're like
I don't need anybody, which is not healthy, but we've
had to learn to do that. But then there's the
(09:36):
other side where it's like you don't want to be
a quote nag, like you don't want to bother people,
so it's almost like you can't win. Yeah, and I
do think a lot of people. A lot of women
for that reason, those reasons have taken it on themselves.
And I know I've done this to be that, like,
(09:56):
I'm not going to bother anybody, but also I don't
need anybody.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
It's a strange straddling of.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Yeah, I can do this on my own, right, but
also I don't want to ask for help because you
might get mad at.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Me, right, right, right.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
And I think it's interesting because they talk about what
this looks like in relationships. So again this is from
the Brains article, and they say in relationships, the impact
on intimate relationships is that hyper independent women don't allow
their partner to help because it feels unsafe and equates
to them a lack of control. She's so used to
being a strong independent woman and with anything that underminds
(10:31):
her belief in herself is often and vehementally rejected. The
irony is many hyper independent women are craving for someone,
anyone to come and help rescue or support them, if
you can openly admit that. So I hate the term rescue.
I hate it with all my might. And again, this
is as you were talking about in that Sex in
(10:52):
the City episode, She's like, no, no, no, rescue. She
literally says, no rescue. Yeah, And I am this similar way.
I will say, since being in this relationship where I've
finally gotten comfortable and I know that they are going
to be around, and I've been with them for more
(11:12):
than five years, it took a long time for me
to be like, oh, it's kind of you're gonna give
me my coffee, okay, because I often like and I
still do like, it's kind of funny. I'm the one
who'll make it every morning. I'm the one that still
cooks a lot more dinner. I've taken it on myself
more so than that has been an expectation again, because
(11:34):
this is that need to be independent, but show you
that you need me more than I need you.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Right, Yeah, yeah, I did that too. I don't feel
great in my case. I don't feel great about it
looking bad because I was definitely being like, I'd be
fine without you.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
I don't know what you do without me.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
But I mean that's the point of pride for like
for me as well, that I'm like to understand this
is a choice and I'll be good without it. But
at the same time, I really do appreciate it. And
when I receive it.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
I'm like, what is this? What is this?
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Me like like that's kind of that moment. Uh yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
And that article goes on to say the truth you
are not the burden that you think you are. Another truth,
you need to let your partner support you. And that's
the conversation again, support, support and compromise. That's the biggest
point that I think we sometimes forget. And this is
where the anti feminists jump in and be like, see,
(12:47):
look look at you. You can't you don't need a man,
and you don't need these things. And eventually I'm like yeah,
but we also like them like it's not because we're
not saying to be a feminist you have to not
have these things, right, we're saying that it's hard to
find people who can be these things.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Yes, yeah, that whole idea is pretty pretty ridiculous because again,
it should be an equal partnership, equal support. Right, it's
not the rescue as you were saying, like the guy
risking you are all of these other sexist societal expectations
that are at play, whether we want them to be
(13:25):
or not, because that's this is where we were raised, right,
So yeah, it's ridiculous to me when people are like, ah,
you like having a partner, Wow.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
A relationship?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
You want to Like, there's this conversation and I don't
know how we've lost it again.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
I don't know why.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Maybe it's because that narrative keeps popping back up of
like if you don't, if you cook, if you are
staying at home mom, if you choose to do these things,
you're not a feminist. That's never the conversation again. We
want to throw it back to the original, Like, uh,
when we were talking about women wanting to be able
to get jobs and these things, there were many women
(14:04):
who were already having jobs and they would love to
have the option of being able to be the stay
at home mom or any of those things, and they're
not being able to have the equitability to do so.
Like this is that conversation. Equality and equitability is the forethought,
not what you can and cannot do. That's such a
(14:27):
trivial ideal. And with that, having a supportive partner that
you can lean on is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing.
Not the way they take all of this, like it's
not all this one sided conversation.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Is it hard? Yes?
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Is it still hard for those who we would loudly say,
I am a feminist, but I take care of the
household stuff a little too much because I just do
again in this that level of like I can do
by myself. Need you, but I do need you, but
I do like it doesn't necessarily have to be the
need you. It's the want you in this conversation again,
(15:08):
and I like that they say the truth. You're not
the burden that you think you are. And more often
than not, that is the fear that drives us to
go overboard. For me specifically, and I've said that to
many people. I've had to explain, if you don't invite
me to something, I don't show up because I assume
(15:28):
you don't want me there, And oftentimes it's more of
the oh, yeah, I just automatically thought you knew you
were invited type of conversation. You're better explicitly invite me,
because if not, I'm gonna say they don't want me huh,
or they don't and then that job, since do they
don't like me, I'm annoying, Well.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
That's fire again, the spiral that happens.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
And then that same article says learning to ask for
help and allowing your partner to do things for you
is vital to unwinding the belief you created all those
years ago, as you you know, ultimately learning to trust again.
And yeah, that's that big conversation. Trust that this person
will be there for you, Trust that you are worthy
of support, and that it does not take anything away
(16:12):
from you.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Is that balance If I let this person do this
for me, does it make me look weak? Yeah? Or
is that allowing me to be loved?
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:27):
And I think also to going back to a recent episode,
a recent happy hour you did, it can manifest in
friendships as well, and sometimes in the in my case
in the like not asking for help, some of my
(16:48):
friends are actually kind of hurt by that, like you know,
like so it is a balance, Like if I don't
truly wanted any help and I'm good, that's one thing.
But if I'm not asking for it because I don't
want to bother you, and then the friend finds out,
it's like, well I could have helped you, that would
have been fine, And then they're they're feeling kind of like, well,
(17:11):
they feel kind of bad because I don't trust them.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
And have to ask.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
So there's like no real easy answer in that but
just I it is a balance of asking yourself.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
You know, it would be nice to have help. There
are people that would be happy to help me. Yes, Annie,
It's true. Yes, Samantha.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Also, well, thank you for coming down this road with me.
And eventually I think we are going to come back
to the hyper codependence, which is the opposite reaction. But
I again, like I said, I saw this on TikTok
and I was like, well, I got called that.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I'm gonna call everybody else out to as as you should.
That's how it goes.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Me.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Thanks for doing that.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Well, listeners. If you have any thoughts on this, please
let us know. You can email us at Stuff Media,
mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us
on Twitter at mosta podcast, or on TikTok and Instagram
at stuff I Never Told You. We're also on YouTube.
We have a tea public store, and we have a
book you can get wherever you get your books. Thanks
as always too, our super producer, Christina, our executive producer,
(18:24):
and our contributor Joey, thank you and thanks to you
for listening. Stuff I Never Told You is prediction of
iHeart Radio. For more podcasts on my Heart Radio You
can check out the Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or
wherever you listen to Babe
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha and not come stuff.
I never told affection.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
I heard you. And today we're bringing back a shorter
episode we did on hyper independence because we just did
an episode on codependence and I just as I was
(00:31):
looking into it, I was thinking, I can see how
this is also a kind of branch of this of
this big puzzle that we're talking about, is what is
hybrid dependence and why are women in trauma specifically involved
with it? So please enjoy this classic episode.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Stuff I never told your protection of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
And welcome to another Monday Mini where I'm going to
talk about how TikTok has attacked me.
Speaker 1 (01:17):
Okay again ran TikTok No.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
So there was a video not too long ago where
they were talking about how some and they were specifically
talking about women in relationships cannot function in relationships or
art can't do healthy relationships because of hyper independence. And
it is exactly what you think it is. It is
when an individual is extremely self reliant and a voice
(01:44):
going to other people for support or help. And just
for this Monday Minui, just so you know, I am
taking a chunk of our information from two articles, once
from Sandstonescare dot com and the other one is brain
Means magazine dot com brings with a z oh yeah
(02:05):
magazine dot com where we talk about what hyperindependence is
and they talk about what that looks like in relationships
and what that looks like with trauma, because you know,
we love talking about trauma.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Yeah, that's what we talk about.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
In that Sandstone article, it says hyperindependence in a woman
is where she cannot or will not accept help, preferring
to do it all herself, and typically creates a strong,
superhuman persona.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I know you know what we're talking about. People. I
know you know, because again I felt attacked. I know
you do too.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
Hyperindependence is often a childhood trauma response, though societal messaging
and conditioning are also worthy culprits, so it may not
necessarily completely trauma. We're talking about neglect, we're talking about abuse.
Obviously extreme neglect is high key in this too, but
(02:57):
also just societal messaging and conditioning. So we know, as women,
we are told that we need to be responsible or caretakers,
and we get that at a very young age. So
even if you think you had the normalist of the
relationships and normalist of childhood experiences being handed at baby
doll or being handed cookware and such. Couldn't imply that
(03:19):
you were supposed to care for other people. So you
should care for only yourself, not necessarily need help. You've
got to teach yourself right right. Of course, It continues
stemming from situations that led her to believe she could
only rely on herself to meet her knees or get
things done. Somewhere along the way, she found trusting in
others too difficult or too painful. Over time, this belief
(03:44):
leads to her needing greater control over her outcomes.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
And external circumstances.
Speaker 3 (03:51):
So I must say type a people here when we
talk about the need to make everything perfect or look perfect,
or do it right the first time, no mistakes whatsoever,
because if you make a mistake, it shows that you're
a lesser person. Again, this is me calling myself out
as well, because I'm one of those like if I
think I'm not going to be good at it, I
(04:11):
will never do it.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
You will not get me to do it.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I will sit there and stare at you like a
like a like I'm sleeping like a zombie because I'll
be like, nah, nah, if I don't look good.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
I'm not doing it. I think it's very obvious.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
That sometimes when we when we're telling our kids to
shake it off, like there's a balance in these things.
But if you're overly dependent on your child, and when
we talked about with parentified kids, this is going to
be what is led the hyper independence and again.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
But not great, not great.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
So here are some of the common signs of hyperindependence,
which include mistrusted others, perfectionism, avoiding dependence on others, little
to know close relationships, not wanting to ask for help,
anxiety and depression, taking on too many responsibilities, stress and burnout,
and difficulties in relationships. How are we doing, Anny, what
(05:17):
are you saying?
Speaker 1 (05:20):
I'm taking it for both of us. I'm just saying
it for both of us.
Speaker 3 (05:23):
I've been reading this one, so I'm like, you haven't,
so I'm checking in with you.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (05:29):
This is my first hearing about this, and I yeah,
I'm a little like Also, interestingly, we did kind of
talk about this. We didn't use this terminology, but in
our last Sex and the City with Maya, with Miranda
being so determined to not like.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Need any help.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
So I think that's an interesting part of it too,
because I discussed in their part of my my mistrust
in relationships is with guys is that if I tell
you I just want to be friends, you're not taking
me seriously. And so if I do trust you to
do a thing, then it's going to be like, but
I did this thing for you, right, which I thought
(06:10):
was a friend thing, and now I'm finding out you
did not think so.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Whoops.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
Yes, And by the way, so we're going to talk
what happens in relationships. But yes, so if we see
it as a hyperindependence as a form of a trauma response,
here's what they say. Individuals who have experienced trauma may
have had people in their life that emotionally or physically
abuse them, didn't meet their emotional needs, risk their safety,
or were unreliable or absent. These things can cause a
(06:42):
person to depend on themselves to survive and make them
feel that they cannot trust or rely on anyone else.
So I've talked about reactive attachment disorder. This could be
a key point in people being hyper independent as well.
Sometimes it goes the other way, it gets hyper code,
and we're not talking about that yet.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
That might be a follow up Monday. Many I don't know.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Now, I will say that this is not a formal diagnosis,
and again it's considered more of a trauma or a
stress response, so so you know, it can stem from
PTSD when a person goes through traumatic experience and then
learns or feels that they cannot trust others. Like we
(07:27):
said before, and this is the one that's calling me out.
Individuals with hyperindependence may have a fear of abandonment, often
because someone in the past was absent or abandoned them,
or several people's constantly where I was just handed it
around and shipped to a different country.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Anyway.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Because of this, they might avoid building close relationships with
others in order to minimize or prevent the chances of
that person abandoning them. It could be the very match,
I'm going to leave first, so you don't leave me
right because hella And some of the symptoms that happen
with this hyperindependence trauma is feeling shame if they have
(08:10):
to ask someone for help. Have you ever had that
moment where you're like raising my hand it's for a class,
for anything. My heart would race and I would have
to like think the sentence out four times before I
evend even think about asking that question, do you have?
This also isolation, depression of feeling unworthy or undeserving of support, anxiety,
(08:36):
thoughts of self harm, and substance abuse.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
And again this is of.
Speaker 3 (08:40):
Course a little more in depth in that you haven't
gotten treatment, you haven't gotten any help, any therapy rather,
And I find that interesting because yes, this is something
that a lot of women have to the point that
they would much rather are I think that's this whole
(09:02):
double conversation, like they would much rather be alone because
they're tired of being disappointed, because they have been taught
that eventually you will be disappointed.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Yeah, Yeah, And I do think there is a a
lot of conditioning around asking for help with women, of
it being it's interesting because there's almost two sides of
the coin, right. There's the feminist part where we're like
I don't need anybody, which is not healthy, but we've
had to learn to do that. But then there's the
(09:36):
other side where it's like you don't want to be
a quote nag, like you don't want to bother people,
so it's almost like you can't win. Yeah, and I
do think a lot of people. A lot of women
for that reason, those reasons have taken it on themselves.
And I know I've done this to be that, like,
(09:56):
I'm not going to bother anybody, but also I don't
need anybody.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
It's a strange straddling of.
Speaker 2 (10:01):
Yeah, I can do this on my own, right, but
also I don't want to ask for help because you
might get mad at.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Me, right, right, right.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
And I think it's interesting because they talk about what
this looks like in relationships. So again this is from
the Brains article, and they say in relationships, the impact
on intimate relationships is that hyper independent women don't allow
their partner to help because it feels unsafe and equates
to them a lack of control. She's so used to
being a strong independent woman and with anything that underminds
(10:31):
her belief in herself is often and vehementally rejected. The
irony is many hyper independent women are craving for someone,
anyone to come and help rescue or support them, if
you can openly admit that. So I hate the term rescue.
I hate it with all my might. And again, this
is as you were talking about in that Sex in
(10:52):
the City episode, She's like, no, no, no, rescue. She
literally says, no rescue. Yeah, And I am this similar way.
I will say, since being in this relationship where I've
finally gotten comfortable and I know that they are going
to be around, and I've been with them for more
(11:12):
than five years, it took a long time for me
to be like, oh, it's kind of you're gonna give
me my coffee, okay, because I often like and I
still do like, it's kind of funny. I'm the one
who'll make it every morning. I'm the one that still
cooks a lot more dinner. I've taken it on myself
more so than that has been an expectation again, because
(11:34):
this is that need to be independent, but show you
that you need me more than I need you.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Right, Yeah, yeah, I did that too. I don't feel
great in my case. I don't feel great about it
looking bad because I was definitely being like, I'd be
fine without you.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
I don't know what you do without me.
Speaker 3 (11:52):
But I mean that's the point of pride for like
for me as well, that I'm like to understand this
is a choice and I'll be good without it. But
at the same time, I really do appreciate it. And
when I receive it.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
I'm like, what is this? What is this?
Speaker 3 (12:08):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (12:09):
Me like like that's kind of that moment. Uh yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
And that article goes on to say the truth you
are not the burden that you think you are. Another truth,
you need to let your partner support you. And that's
the conversation again, support, support and compromise. That's the biggest
point that I think we sometimes forget. And this is
where the anti feminists jump in and be like, see,
(12:47):
look look at you. You can't you don't need a man,
and you don't need these things. And eventually I'm like yeah,
but we also like them like it's not because we're
not saying to be a feminist you have to not
have these things, right, we're saying that it's hard to
find people who can be these things.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Yes, yeah, that whole idea is pretty pretty ridiculous because again,
it should be an equal partnership, equal support. Right, it's
not the rescue as you were saying, like the guy
risking you are all of these other sexist societal expectations
that are at play, whether we want them to be
(13:25):
or not, because that's this is where we were raised, right,
So yeah, it's ridiculous to me when people are like, ah,
you like having a partner, Wow.
Speaker 1 (13:36):
A relationship?
Speaker 3 (13:37):
You want to Like, there's this conversation and I don't
know how we've lost it again.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
I don't know why.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Maybe it's because that narrative keeps popping back up of
like if you don't, if you cook, if you are
staying at home mom, if you choose to do these things,
you're not a feminist. That's never the conversation again. We
want to throw it back to the original, Like, uh,
when we were talking about women wanting to be able
to get jobs and these things, there were many women
(14:04):
who were already having jobs and they would love to
have the option of being able to be the stay
at home mom or any of those things, and they're
not being able to have the equitability to do so.
Like this is that conversation. Equality and equitability is the forethought,
not what you can and cannot do. That's such a
(14:27):
trivial ideal. And with that, having a supportive partner that
you can lean on is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing.
Not the way they take all of this, like it's
not all this one sided conversation.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Is it hard? Yes?
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Is it still hard for those who we would loudly say,
I am a feminist, but I take care of the
household stuff a little too much because I just do
again in this that level of like I can do
by myself. Need you, but I do need you, but
I do like it doesn't necessarily have to be the
need you. It's the want you in this conversation again,
(15:08):
and I like that they say the truth. You're not
the burden that you think you are. And more often
than not, that is the fear that drives us to
go overboard. For me specifically, and I've said that to
many people. I've had to explain, if you don't invite
me to something, I don't show up because I assume
(15:28):
you don't want me there, And oftentimes it's more of
the oh, yeah, I just automatically thought you knew you
were invited type of conversation. You're better explicitly invite me,
because if not, I'm gonna say they don't want me huh,
or they don't and then that job, since do they
don't like me, I'm annoying, Well.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
That's fire again, the spiral that happens.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
And then that same article says learning to ask for
help and allowing your partner to do things for you
is vital to unwinding the belief you created all those
years ago, as you you know, ultimately learning to trust again.
And yeah, that's that big conversation. Trust that this person
will be there for you, Trust that you are worthy
of support, and that it does not take anything away
(16:12):
from you.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Is that balance If I let this person do this
for me, does it make me look weak? Yeah? Or
is that allowing me to be loved?
Speaker 3 (16:26):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (16:27):
And I think also to going back to a recent episode,
a recent happy hour you did, it can manifest in
friendships as well, and sometimes in the in my case
in the like not asking for help, some of my
(16:48):
friends are actually kind of hurt by that, like you know,
like so it is a balance, Like if I don't
truly wanted any help and I'm good, that's one thing.
But if I'm not asking for it because I don't
want to bother you, and then the friend finds out,
it's like, well I could have helped you, that would
have been fine, And then they're they're feeling kind of like, well,
(17:11):
they feel kind of bad because I don't trust them.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
And have to ask.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
So there's like no real easy answer in that but
just I it is a balance of asking yourself.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
You know, it would be nice to have help. There
are people that would be happy to help me. Yes, Annie,
It's true. Yes, Samantha.
Speaker 3 (17:35):
Also, well, thank you for coming down this road with me.
And eventually I think we are going to come back
to the hyper codependence, which is the opposite reaction. But
I again, like I said, I saw this on TikTok
and I was like, well, I got called that.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I'm gonna call everybody else out to as as you should.
That's how it goes.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Me.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
Thanks for doing that.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Well, listeners. If you have any thoughts on this, please
let us know. You can email us at Stuff Media,
mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us
on Twitter at mosta podcast, or on TikTok and Instagram
at stuff I Never Told You. We're also on YouTube.
We have a tea public store, and we have a
book you can get wherever you get your books. Thanks
as always too, our super producer, Christina, our executive producer,
(18:24):
and our contributor Joey, thank you and thanks to you
for listening. Stuff I Never Told You is prediction of
iHeart Radio. For more podcasts on my Heart Radio You
can check out the Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or
wherever you listen to Babe
Stuff Mom Never Told You News
Hosts And Creators
Anney Reese
Samantha McVey
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