Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Anny and Smitha and welcome to stuff.
I never told your production iHeartRadio, and today we are
bringing back a classic we did on the term mother
(00:26):
and the queer and specifically queer community of color, and
there are the roots that it has in that. I
think this was on my mind because we were talking
about the drag community and where certain terms came from,
(00:47):
and we have done these episodes. We did one on
daddy where that came from, but mother is also a
big one. And so when you're talking about the history
of being queer and feeling like you have to hide yourself,
but having that person who guides you and who is
(01:12):
protective and who shares you know this is what it
looks like, is so so important. So I thought we'd
bring this one back for Pride and Month, so please enjoy. Hey,
this is Sandy and Samantha. Welcome to stuff. I never
(01:34):
told your protection of iHeartRadio and today I'm gonna apologize
in advance Snanta, because we were once again tackling an
internet term that has a long history. We're going to
get into but if I make a fool of myself,
(01:57):
I'm sorry. So you can see our past episode that
we did on Daddy, which, yes, this is kind of
funny that this episode is coming out on the day
after Father's Day because we're talking about mother today. A
past host have also done an episode on the etymology
(02:19):
of mother, like outside of the Internet slaying slash queer context.
It's interesting to me how this idea came about. I
have a friend, Katie, friend of the show, and she's
currently making all of these bracelets for upcoming Dragon con
(02:42):
big nerd convention in Atlanta to hand out, and she
was asked. She just randomly asked me one day, like,
I can't use mother, can I because it has another context?
And I was like, yeah, I'm not sure. Yeah, I
think that it has another meaning, which I knew I
(03:04):
had another meaning, but I was like, I'm not sure.
How cool that would be to use it? And then
later she sent me an article that was like, oh,
as this whole queer history and here we are, so
thought I would just break it down really quickly.
Speaker 2 (03:19):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
Yeah. So, while the term mother is really trendy on
the internet right now, it has a long history in
the queer community, perhaps centuries long. According to author and
professor Paul Baker, it's likely that. In seventeen twenties, London
gay men called the cishet woman who ran a coffeehouse
that acted as a bit of a safe haven for them.
(03:41):
Mother Mother Clap specifically Clap was her name. In one instance,
she provided false testimony to get a patron off of
sodomy charges. She eventually served two years in prison for
providing this sanctuary. At some points throughout history, it was
also used to refer to older gay men who had
(04:03):
an air of wisdom about them, who had quote seen
it all and could support younger gay folk. It was
used this way in a nineteen seventy one camp vampire
horror movie, where the mother like there was a mother
that was being teased throughout, and the mother in question
was revealed to be an older camp be gay man.
(04:24):
The term was especially popular in the ballroom scene in
nineteen sixties New York City by black and LATINX queer
communities and drag culture. Essentially, in ball culture there was
a mother of the house who would take younger queer
folks in sort of a mentorship mintee role, but a
little bit more than that. Beyonce referred to this in
(04:47):
The Queen's Remix of Break my soul from the Gay
Times quote. Doctor Jack Doyle, a departmental lecturer in LGBTQ
plus history at the University of Oxford, tells Gay Times
that quote the term mother is an exclusive to Black
American ballroom scenes, but the way it's used in those
spaces says a lot about how queer people across cultures
(05:08):
and times have built and named chosen families. He points
out that the drag mother is often not just a mentor,
but also literally a parent to estranged queer kids. She
is the nurturing head of a chosen family unit who
makes her queer children feel less marginalized by providing housing, community, healthcare,
(05:30):
and safety. So that does seem to be the main
defining quality of a mother and why gender doesn't necessarily
matter in its use because it's more about like the
nurturing nature. Again, you can see our Daddy episode where
we did talk about some of this, but that's one
of the differences, it seems. The rise in current popular
(05:51):
use of mother is often chased back to a Twitter
exchange between Lord and Kim Kardashian in twenty fourteen. Lord explained, quote,
I retweeted Kim's amazing cover and wrote mom, which among
the youths with a Z is a compliment. It basically
jokingly means adopt me, be my second mom. I think
of you as a mother figure. You are so epic.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
Yeah, I was really excited to hear you pronounce that.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Oh no, I'm so embarrassed.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
I love it. I love it.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
In twenty three, the online use of mother in the
LGBTQ plus community really exploded, most often applied to female
pop stars, often straight female pop stars, but not always.
There have been two SNL sketches I saw about that.
One was the one with Pedro Pascal where he was
(06:43):
daddy and then Sarah Paulson was mommy yes. And then
another was where Megan the doll from the movie was
mother in a queer club. Here's a quote from Gay
Times on queer Twitter in twenty twenty three. Mother is
(07:05):
mainly being applied to cishat women with a certain pop
cultural cachet and demonstrable queer appeal, and is now also
used as a verb. So mother is mothering is frequent
frequent way to use it. Quote when Gay Times is
entertainer editor Sam Damschanas and I hope I didn't measure
that asked Sarah Michelle Geller about her passionate LGBTQ plus
(07:28):
fan base at a January launch event for her new series, Wolfpack.
She paused to ask him, can someone please explain mother
to me? Geller has since fully embraced this term of
inqueerment by updating her Instagram bio to simply read mother.
Later discussing her mother's status in a subsequent interview, Geller said, humbly,
(07:49):
it's a huge honor. This is a community that has
supported me and all of the jobs I've done, whether
they've been successful or not, and so I'm incredibly grateful.
Well studying this topic think that the modern use of
this term stemmed from the ballroom use, but was further
popularized by the growth of things like RuPaul's Drag Race.
(08:10):
There's a whole song that was produced from RuPaul's Drag
Race about Mother. Doyle went on to say, I think
what we're seeing with mother blowing up Twitter is the
latest in the age old story of white gays borrowing
and misusing queer aave African American vernacular English, which eventually
(08:31):
jumps to straight people. This process has changed and accelerated
over the past decade with black and latinx American drag
becoming commodified globally via drag race, which is how we
get say, white sishead English women talking casually about serving
realness or throwing shade. But that is also quote a
term of respect for powerful, confident femininity, and this respect
(08:54):
does sometimes extend to sishat women who are also queer icons.
I apologize again. There has been other Steph written that
I thought was really interesting in terms of how being
like using the term mom outside of this context of
like queer history or what have you was bad, Like
(09:17):
that was embarrassing. You didn't want to be described as
a mom or as a mother. And they also had
kind of a whole part where they were describing like
Beyonce hugging her daughter on stage and it was like,
not only is she mother in this context, but now
she's mother just an actual child and that's cool. So
(09:38):
that is sort of changing too. And when we compare
that to what we talked about in the Daddy episode
where we were talking about how you know, dads who
seemed to give any kind of caring aura in public
are given a lot more of a pass or are
seen as like much sexier, but mom. Wasn't always the
(10:00):
case because that was just expected, but now it seems
to be shifting a little at least for so celebrities.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Right, this is from a female gaze.
Speaker 3 (10:20):
I feel like this is not You will not see
a heterosexual CIS man say that's mother.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
It would be and honestly it would be like what
what did you just say? Because there's that conversation.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
But yeah, it's also like a bigger conversation about how
TikTok and social media like that really is pushing the appropriation. However,
you want to see it of a a ve so
quickly too, because you will like it things that I
have like just heard and then I'm seeing straight white
women doing it and I'm like, I'm not doing that.
(10:52):
I'm straight Asian woman over here, and I'm like, I
would never like I could. That's not a thing that
comes out of my mouth and have to really check.
I'm like, all right, am I doing those because it
seems easy and fun to say. There's a conversation of
course for me as well, being the older generation as
I am, I don't think it's appropriate for me to
look at someone's ay, that's mother, because I'm like, technically
(11:13):
if it was said about me, it would make more sense,
not because I'm great, but because of the age range
that I see it. So that's the whole different level
of conversation in itself that I see. Julian Anderson is
also a big example of people saying mother. Part of
that is because people really think that she opened up
(11:34):
so much queerness for a lot of young women and
being able to be like, oh, just because of her
her ability to like really show both femininity and masculinity
and characters and herself in general and not being afraid
of that, not being offended by either of those titles
and moving on and embracing her audience. So people have
also said that about her, So I see, like, like,
(11:54):
that's that. Yes, it's that compliment, But again this kind
of goes into more of that female gaze level of conversation.
It does also it's feed into that conversation of like, yes,
it came from queer culture. It was made bigger from
what I could gather from black or marginalize gay culture,
(12:16):
so from the black brown community in that area specifically
like queer ballroom culture, and again being like appropriated into
that because it was more of a safety as you
were talking about for like that, I knew about the
mother from queer ballroom culture, which is also like that's
kind of sacred. Yeah, So throwing that around like that
(12:37):
because it literally was about safety and trust and getting
that title was an honor from what I gather and
giving that title and finding someone that you saw like
that because that was a part of your chosen family.
So like it is, it's interesting to see like the
expansion in this conversation because it can be funny. And
you know, we have we've definitely seen a lot of
(12:59):
like skits where weirdly sis men pulling a character of
being homosexual and using terms like that to make it
a joke. So it's it's an interesting dichotomy words and
terminology like that.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Yeah, And I I think that, you know, it's good
to keep that in mind, Like when you when you
see a churn that gets really popular of a sudden,
you just start using it. Maybe look into it before
it just start using it.
Speaker 3 (13:32):
Right, it does seem fun. Also, who would Katie give
this breathless to like give you get to a random
person they call mother.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Be like what well, because she gives out bracelets that
this is what happened. She was like, she gives out
bracelets that say like Space Daddy to Darth Vader. But
she was like, I can't do that with Mother, And
I was like.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Not really, no, Yeah, I was girl.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I don't think so, but I didn't know.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
I didn't know, And I don't think people would find
that offensive. Like if you went and found someone who's
dressed up like Ahska and you gave that to her,
I don't know if they would feel like that's offense
for not pad May the character like if you. I
think like a lot of people would agree if there
was such a thing, pad May would be Mother.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
I mean, someone tell me if I'm wrong.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
And I'm doing this as a person who was neither
in the credit culture nor in the Star Wars slash
con culture from what I gather as an outsider, so
I could see how that could be like genuinely appreciated.
But it does hold into context of like the privilege
around using that time of terminology.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Yeah, and we had an interesting conversation about it because
I feel like Daddy, we've talked, we have so many
episodes about like the connotations of that, but it's less
like it could have multiple meanings that a lot of
people would think of, whereas mother just feels it just
feels like as a bigger weight.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Right too.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
Well, like there's just again, when we say mother is
a lot more about safety and feeling you're feeling a safety,
when we say daddy is about dominance and power. So
there's this whole level of like, yeah, who what are.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
These words mean?
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yeah? Yeah, And I think looking at the differences between it,
because you know, when she asked me, I musedately was like,
oh I don't know.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
Oh that's a good question. I'm glad. I love that
she had the forethought of that.
Speaker 3 (15:33):
And again, this is one of those things that you
and I are not necessarily the authority on. No, and
for those listeners who are part of the black, brown,
Indigenous community, queer community, and you have a lot of
thoughts on this, those who are in like a ballroom community,
because I think that's actily still a thing which is beautiful.
So like, if y'all have opinions about this, again, this
(15:55):
is kind of one of those things like better safe
than sorry.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Yeah, yes, and always look into.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
It, do your research, and it's okay to question.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
It is I'm glad, yeah, And I'm glad I looked
into it. Yeah, thank you. Clearly I'm very shy about using.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
I love it. Thank you especially reading it out and
just fill it out.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
To saying what you're saying, Oh, dearize why it's amazing.
Speaker 1 (16:25):
Well, listeners, please do write in. If you have any
thoughts or information about this. You can contact us at
Stephan and mom Steph at iHeartMedia dot com. You can
find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or on
Instagram and TikTok at Stuff I've Never told you. We
have a tea public store. We're on YouTube. We have
a book you can get wherever you get your books.
Thanks as always too our super producer Christina or executive
pducer My and your contructor Joey. Thank you and thanks
(16:47):
to you for listening. Steffan never told you. Inspection by
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