January 10, 2026 • 16 mins
The simple question of how you're doing is not always so simple, and can lead to tears. We look into a few common reasons why in this classic episode.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. I'm welcome to stephone
Never Told You production by Hearty, and welcome to another classic.
We are easing into the new year with this one,
(00:26):
which is why do you cry when people ask if
you're okay? Because I feel like this comes up for
me a lot at the New Year, when you're hanging
out with people you haven't seen for a while and
they ask you a completely innocent question and for some
reason you're like, oh, no, I don't want to know. Yeah. Yeah.
(00:48):
But I also have another version of it that I
noticed in myself a lot over this holiday, which is
I want to come back and do another Monday mini
on this, which is almost the very quick, clearly stressed no,
I'm fine, I'm fine, and everybody's like, oh no, she
is not doing well.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Oh you shouldn't ask because it could be problem. We
need to keep let it be just moving on.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yes, but we hope that all of you listeners are well.
We would love to hear what you are up to
in the new year, what you would like us to
do more of, But in the meantime, please enjoy this
classic episode. Hey, this is Addie and Samantha. I welcome stuff.
I never told you objective ByHeart Radio, and today it
(01:54):
is November fourteenth, twenty twenty four. I had to think
about it, and uh, I've I thought, you know, we've
got a lot going on. We've been talking about our
game plan of how we're gonna deal with the fallout
of the election episode wise here on the show, especially
(02:17):
with the holidays coming up. So if things feel a
little uneven, please just bear with us. We are people
to yeah, which speaking of I was just curious about
this because we are I mean content warning. We are
(02:38):
talking about the election a little bit, uh, but not really.
We're mostly talking about why do you cry when people
like ask if you're okay? And two, I guess I
was telling Samantha I can always tell what I wrote
an outline, and I was thinking about something very specific
(02:59):
and maybe having some emotions about it. And I can
tell I was when I did this one. But it's
so it's not some kind of like takedown in any way.
I feel like I have to sometimes I'm worried people
who know me listen to this and think I'm like
talking directly to them, and I'm not. And I feel
(03:25):
like a lot of times the argument can be has
been used about this, especially after an election, especially after
Trump wins an election, that oh, you're all being snowflakes,
even though I would argue it's the other side, perhaps
(03:46):
the biggest snowflakes who can't handle election results withou violence.
But anyway, I think it makes sense that you when
people ask if you're okay, you cry, And that was
something that I was when I was I've always kind
of been that way, But after the election I noticed
(04:08):
it a lot where I'd be like, wow, today, You've
gone a whole day without crying, and someone would text
me they're like, are you okayly No, Yeah, So I've
always been this way, I've just noticed it a lot lately.
It has gotten better for me, specifically as time has
(04:34):
gone on, but it'll still especially if I'm tired. I
am tired. Oh no. But there are a lot of
reasons why this might be. One is a constant reopening
or reminding of a wound if you feel compelled to
answer honestly, and I know you and I have talked
about this before, Samantha, but sometimes we have given honest
(04:57):
answers to that question when it's clear they just wanted
the yes, I'm fine.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
They wanted the not real good answer exactly.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
But sometimes I've done that without even meaning to do it,
like it just happens. And I was thinking about this
too interestingly and kind of sadly. But one of the
reasons you came onto this show was I think he
met me at a time in my life after Trump
was elected, and I just couldn't like the like, yes
(05:31):
I'm fine was much harder for me to pull off,
and so I was just like, nope, here life. And
that led to our mini series on trauma and here
you are.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Well should we do that one again? Oh?
Speaker 1 (05:52):
As a list, like as a playlist? Yeah, yeah, it's
like who We're back? Yep. There's also another reason you
might break down when people ask if you're okay is
a hesitation to admit that you're not. And when you're
confronted with that of that realization of oh, I'm not,
(06:15):
you might break down. This one's big for me. Fear
it'll be hard to stop once you do, or fear
that you will break down at all. But like that
idea of oh, if I answer this, this is gonna
start a chain reaction. I don't know when I'm gonna
be able to stop. So I was invited to last weekend,
(06:37):
the weekend after the election, I did have a bunch
of wonderful friends reaching out and I was invited to
kind of like a soup get away. So many people
ask me to get soup. I love that I've got
a soup name for myself. And I was very sick,
like physically very sick, and I didn't go. But I
(07:01):
was also thinking, like I'm I'm afraid what will happen
if we start talking about it? And I'm afraid, like
I'll just start crying and I won't stop. And I
don't like doing that. And I've tried to examine, like why,
but I just I think there's a lot of to
impact there. But I don't like doing that. It feels
out of control. It's I think that's one of the reasons,
(07:23):
Like I love crying at the last of us too,
is I know when I'm going to cry, Like I know,
I can anticipate it, but I don't like the kind
of uncontrolled Oh god, I don't know when this is
going to stop, Like I don't know what I'm going
to say. I don't like that feeling, and I didn't
I was scared of what would happen, and they would
(07:46):
have been they're my friends and they would have supported me,
and it would have been fine. But it was just
kind of a me me thing. Also, sometimes someone legitimizing
your feelings can just make you cry. So if someone's
like genuinely asking you, like are you okay? With probably
the understanding you're not, that can that can get you
(08:09):
to start crying. Not used to being people asking or
being nice to you or feeling grateful someone cares cares
enough to ask that can that can make you cry.
And I've definitely experienced that, or like the smallest act
of kindness that I'm like, oh my god, they care
(08:32):
about me. It's one of the reasons I keep so
many of things people give me, like notes. It's like,
oh they care. I have this like physical evidence. Also,
perhaps obviously it could be that you are anxious or
depressed and maybe this is just one one thing that
(08:54):
is setting you off, maybe as a bunch of other stuff.
So obviously too, like all of that can interact multiple
of those things if you happening at the same time.
(09:17):
I did find something when I was researching this called
highly sensitive people or HSPs. According to some sources, one
in five people are estimated to be HSPs overall genders,
and this is essentially believed to be people who respond
and process stimuli more deeply, and it is believed to
be genetic. But HSPs cry more than non HSPs. There
(09:43):
have been studies into the brains in HSP people that
show that they have higher brain activity when looking at
people or things that they cared about, things like depression
and anxiety are worsened. I'm not saying I think I
have that. I just ran into it when I was
researching this. I am some I feel things deeply, but
(10:05):
I don't know enough about this to know if that's
what's what I got going on. Things like race and
trauma a factor here too, And like how you try
to monitor whether you cry or don't cry, so that's
something else. There's also emotional monitoring, which is at the
(10:25):
flip side. If you find yourself constantly asking if someone
is okay. This is pretty common with people who are
marginalized and or have trauma. It's more of like a
trauma response to scam moods and feel safe. My dad
was this like this, but he did not want the
real answer to the question. He wanted you to say, yes,
I am fine, I'm happy, but he does he had
(10:47):
his own trauma, And so as I've gotten older, I
come to understand that more so some of the like
things to look out for if you're like, oh no, well,
is that me constantly asking somebody if they're okay, or
if they're or if they're upset even when they say
they're not, having extreme anxiety when a close friend or
(11:07):
partner is upset or hurting, a constant focus on the
mood shifts of others, feeling like your role is to
cheer someone up at all times, chronic apologizing, replaying social
interactions over and over mentally. The interesting thing is I
would I wouldn't say I do this, But then I
was reading this and I was like, oh no, it's
like half and half. I do emotionally monitor. I think
(11:32):
a lot of us do, because especially if you've got trauma,
you're like, how is it? But I wouldn't have said, like,
I don't know, I'm gonna have to think about this.
I'm gonna have to think about it. But uh, you know,
there are a couple of things that you can do
if you're frustrated by the fact that you for me,
(11:57):
I get frustrated that it feels like I'm fine, and
then the question and I'm just crying. It's annoying. You
can work on a couple of especially if you have
something like anxiety or depression or whatever, just work on
dealing with the heart of what it is. You can also,
like Samantha and I maybe have not done in the past,
(12:18):
you can assess the truth of the question, like do
they are they actually asking? Some people don't want the answer.
It's just a polite thing we do. A lot of
us do it. That's okay. It can be very shocking
when you're just like, hey, how are you and somebody
starts crying. You know, then hopefully I show you. I
(12:38):
hope you show some compassion. But it can't be very
like whoa. I was not expecting.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I don't think I've ever done that, but I've had
that done to me, and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm
gonna need about fifteen minutes with you. Let's go sit down,
Let's go Okay, what happens? I swear to God, I've asked,
will my all right? You want to go sit over here?
And the thing is specifically got brewery times where people
would just I'd be like, hey, how's it going, And
then I'd ask one question that just like something that
(13:06):
you had told me previously that seems so nonchalant, and
all of a sudden that broke something. I was like, oh,
oh no, I'm so sorry. Oh no, yeah, that's what
I feel like, I'm too intense.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
But yeah, I've thought about that with separate but related,
but I've thought about this with times where guys have
asked me out after I showed like the barrassed human
interaction of like, oh, hey, I like, what do you do?
She's in love, like I don't know something about.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I would interpret interpret it as like a kindness, and
I might if I'm in a bad place, I might
start crying, whereas I feel like some men in my
life have interpreted it as ah interest, yeah, or I
have started crying, and guys have used that as like, oh,
(14:02):
she's being emotionally open with me, I can ask her out.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Well, it's that conversation about him being able to be
a protector. M M. Yeah, like we kind of delved
into it, like the minisphere, but it's a really like
gender response for sure.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Yeah, yep, especially given some comments about protecting women whether
they want.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
It or not, right or not because they don't deserve it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
God, oh anyway again we laughed because we're said, this
is my response. Yeah, but yeah, I think probably if
it's something you're worried about, a lot of the sources
I said did say suggest therapy or identifying where that
it's coming from, where that reaction is coming from, and
(14:53):
what it is. I feel like, I said that this
has been I've had this throughout my life, and I'm
I I feel pretty like I know what it is,
and I especially know what it is right now, so
I'm not worried about it. I was just curious to
look into it because I think it's a pretty natural, right,
pretty natural thing if you've got any kind of upset
(15:14):
in your life, right.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
And also like your solution right now is isolation, because
you know that's how you respond.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah, I got my solution and some of them more
better than others. But you're a monitor, i'me yeah, there
you go. Yeah, I've got wonderful people in my life
checking in with me, so it's all good. Well, listeners,
if you have any thoughts about this or any other information,
because this was a pretty quick research Monday Mini. So
(15:44):
if you if you have any thoughts or any other
resources or anything, please right in and I'll let us know.
You can email us a stuff in your mom Stuff
at i heeartmedia dot com. You can find us on
Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok
at stuff I've Never Told You Rousso on YouTube. We
have a tea public store, and we have a book
you can get wherever you get your books. Thanks as
(16:05):
always to our super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya,
and your conjubuter Joey. Thank you and thanks to you
for listening STUFFE Never Told You the prediction of My
Heart Radio. For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, you
can check out the heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. I'm welcome to stephone
Never Told You production by Hearty, and welcome to another classic.
We are easing into the new year with this one,
(00:26):
which is why do you cry when people ask if
you're okay? Because I feel like this comes up for
me a lot at the New Year, when you're hanging
out with people you haven't seen for a while and
they ask you a completely innocent question and for some
reason you're like, oh, no, I don't want to know. Yeah. Yeah.
(00:48):
But I also have another version of it that I
noticed in myself a lot over this holiday, which is
I want to come back and do another Monday mini
on this, which is almost the very quick, clearly stressed no,
I'm fine, I'm fine, and everybody's like, oh no, she
is not doing well.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Oh you shouldn't ask because it could be problem. We
need to keep let it be just moving on.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Yes, but we hope that all of you listeners are well.
We would love to hear what you are up to
in the new year, what you would like us to
do more of, But in the meantime, please enjoy this
classic episode. Hey, this is Addie and Samantha. I welcome stuff.
I never told you objective ByHeart Radio, and today it
(01:54):
is November fourteenth, twenty twenty four. I had to think
about it, and uh, I've I thought, you know, we've
got a lot going on. We've been talking about our
game plan of how we're gonna deal with the fallout
of the election episode wise here on the show, especially
(02:17):
with the holidays coming up. So if things feel a
little uneven, please just bear with us. We are people
to yeah, which speaking of I was just curious about
this because we are I mean content warning. We are
(02:38):
talking about the election a little bit, uh, but not really.
We're mostly talking about why do you cry when people
like ask if you're okay? And two, I guess I
was telling Samantha I can always tell what I wrote
an outline, and I was thinking about something very specific
(02:59):
and maybe having some emotions about it. And I can
tell I was when I did this one. But it's
so it's not some kind of like takedown in any way.
I feel like I have to sometimes I'm worried people
who know me listen to this and think I'm like
talking directly to them, and I'm not. And I feel
(03:25):
like a lot of times the argument can be has
been used about this, especially after an election, especially after
Trump wins an election, that oh, you're all being snowflakes,
even though I would argue it's the other side, perhaps
(03:46):
the biggest snowflakes who can't handle election results withou violence.
But anyway, I think it makes sense that you when
people ask if you're okay, you cry, And that was
something that I was when I was I've always kind
of been that way, But after the election I noticed
(04:08):
it a lot where I'd be like, wow, today, You've
gone a whole day without crying, and someone would text
me they're like, are you okayly No, Yeah, So I've
always been this way, I've just noticed it a lot lately.
It has gotten better for me, specifically as time has
(04:34):
gone on, but it'll still especially if I'm tired. I
am tired. Oh no. But there are a lot of
reasons why this might be. One is a constant reopening
or reminding of a wound if you feel compelled to
answer honestly, and I know you and I have talked
about this before, Samantha, but sometimes we have given honest
(04:57):
answers to that question when it's clear they just wanted
the yes, I'm fine.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
They wanted the not real good answer exactly.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
But sometimes I've done that without even meaning to do it,
like it just happens. And I was thinking about this
too interestingly and kind of sadly. But one of the
reasons you came onto this show was I think he
met me at a time in my life after Trump
was elected, and I just couldn't like the like, yes
(05:31):
I'm fine was much harder for me to pull off,
and so I was just like, nope, here life. And
that led to our mini series on trauma and here
you are.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Well should we do that one again? Oh?
Speaker 1 (05:52):
As a list, like as a playlist? Yeah, yeah, it's
like who We're back? Yep. There's also another reason you
might break down when people ask if you're okay is
a hesitation to admit that you're not. And when you're
confronted with that of that realization of oh, I'm not,
(06:15):
you might break down. This one's big for me. Fear
it'll be hard to stop once you do, or fear
that you will break down at all. But like that
idea of oh, if I answer this, this is gonna
start a chain reaction. I don't know when I'm gonna
be able to stop. So I was invited to last weekend,
(06:37):
the weekend after the election, I did have a bunch
of wonderful friends reaching out and I was invited to
kind of like a soup get away. So many people
ask me to get soup. I love that I've got
a soup name for myself. And I was very sick,
like physically very sick, and I didn't go. But I
(07:01):
was also thinking, like I'm I'm afraid what will happen
if we start talking about it? And I'm afraid, like
I'll just start crying and I won't stop. And I
don't like doing that. And I've tried to examine, like why,
but I just I think there's a lot of to
impact there. But I don't like doing that. It feels
out of control. It's I think that's one of the reasons,
(07:23):
Like I love crying at the last of us too,
is I know when I'm going to cry, Like I know,
I can anticipate it, but I don't like the kind
of uncontrolled Oh god, I don't know when this is
going to stop, Like I don't know what I'm going
to say. I don't like that feeling, and I didn't
I was scared of what would happen, and they would
(07:46):
have been they're my friends and they would have supported me,
and it would have been fine. But it was just
kind of a me me thing. Also, sometimes someone legitimizing
your feelings can just make you cry. So if someone's
like genuinely asking you, like are you okay? With probably
the understanding you're not, that can that can get you
(08:09):
to start crying. Not used to being people asking or
being nice to you or feeling grateful someone cares cares
enough to ask that can that can make you cry.
And I've definitely experienced that, or like the smallest act
of kindness that I'm like, oh my god, they care
(08:32):
about me. It's one of the reasons I keep so
many of things people give me, like notes. It's like,
oh they care. I have this like physical evidence. Also,
perhaps obviously it could be that you are anxious or
depressed and maybe this is just one one thing that
(08:54):
is setting you off, maybe as a bunch of other stuff.
So obviously too, like all of that can interact multiple
of those things if you happening at the same time.
(09:17):
I did find something when I was researching this called
highly sensitive people or HSPs. According to some sources, one
in five people are estimated to be HSPs overall genders,
and this is essentially believed to be people who respond
and process stimuli more deeply, and it is believed to
be genetic. But HSPs cry more than non HSPs. There
(09:43):
have been studies into the brains in HSP people that
show that they have higher brain activity when looking at
people or things that they cared about, things like depression
and anxiety are worsened. I'm not saying I think I
have that. I just ran into it when I was
researching this. I am some I feel things deeply, but
(10:05):
I don't know enough about this to know if that's
what's what I got going on. Things like race and
trauma a factor here too, And like how you try
to monitor whether you cry or don't cry, so that's
something else. There's also emotional monitoring, which is at the
(10:25):
flip side. If you find yourself constantly asking if someone
is okay. This is pretty common with people who are
marginalized and or have trauma. It's more of like a
trauma response to scam moods and feel safe. My dad
was this like this, but he did not want the
real answer to the question. He wanted you to say, yes,
I am fine, I'm happy, but he does he had
(10:47):
his own trauma, And so as I've gotten older, I
come to understand that more so some of the like
things to look out for if you're like, oh no, well,
is that me constantly asking somebody if they're okay, or
if they're or if they're upset even when they say
they're not, having extreme anxiety when a close friend or
(11:07):
partner is upset or hurting, a constant focus on the
mood shifts of others, feeling like your role is to
cheer someone up at all times, chronic apologizing, replaying social
interactions over and over mentally. The interesting thing is I
would I wouldn't say I do this, But then I
was reading this and I was like, oh no, it's
like half and half. I do emotionally monitor. I think
(11:32):
a lot of us do, because especially if you've got trauma,
you're like, how is it? But I wouldn't have said, like,
I don't know, I'm gonna have to think about this.
I'm gonna have to think about it. But uh, you know,
there are a couple of things that you can do
if you're frustrated by the fact that you for me,
(11:57):
I get frustrated that it feels like I'm fine, and
then the question and I'm just crying. It's annoying. You
can work on a couple of especially if you have
something like anxiety or depression or whatever, just work on
dealing with the heart of what it is. You can also,
like Samantha and I maybe have not done in the past,
(12:18):
you can assess the truth of the question, like do
they are they actually asking? Some people don't want the answer.
It's just a polite thing we do. A lot of
us do it. That's okay. It can be very shocking
when you're just like, hey, how are you and somebody
starts crying. You know, then hopefully I show you. I
(12:38):
hope you show some compassion. But it can't be very
like whoa. I was not expecting.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
I don't think I've ever done that, but I've had
that done to me, and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm
gonna need about fifteen minutes with you. Let's go sit down,
Let's go Okay, what happens? I swear to God, I've asked,
will my all right? You want to go sit over here?
And the thing is specifically got brewery times where people
would just I'd be like, hey, how's it going, And
then I'd ask one question that just like something that
(13:06):
you had told me previously that seems so nonchalant, and
all of a sudden that broke something. I was like, oh,
oh no, I'm so sorry. Oh no, yeah, that's what
I feel like, I'm too intense.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
But yeah, I've thought about that with separate but related,
but I've thought about this with times where guys have
asked me out after I showed like the barrassed human
interaction of like, oh, hey, I like, what do you do?
She's in love, like I don't know something about.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
I would interpret interpret it as like a kindness, and
I might if I'm in a bad place, I might
start crying, whereas I feel like some men in my
life have interpreted it as ah interest, yeah, or I
have started crying, and guys have used that as like, oh,
(14:02):
she's being emotionally open with me, I can ask her out.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Well, it's that conversation about him being able to be
a protector. M M. Yeah, like we kind of delved
into it, like the minisphere, but it's a really like
gender response for sure.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Yeah, yep, especially given some comments about protecting women whether
they want.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
It or not, right or not because they don't deserve it. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
God, oh anyway again we laughed because we're said, this
is my response. Yeah, but yeah, I think probably if
it's something you're worried about, a lot of the sources
I said did say suggest therapy or identifying where that
it's coming from, where that reaction is coming from, and
(14:53):
what it is. I feel like, I said that this
has been I've had this throughout my life, and I'm
I I feel pretty like I know what it is,
and I especially know what it is right now, so
I'm not worried about it. I was just curious to
look into it because I think it's a pretty natural, right,
pretty natural thing if you've got any kind of upset
(15:14):
in your life, right.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
And also like your solution right now is isolation, because
you know that's how you respond.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
Yeah, I got my solution and some of them more
better than others. But you're a monitor, i'me yeah, there
you go. Yeah, I've got wonderful people in my life
checking in with me, so it's all good. Well, listeners,
if you have any thoughts about this or any other information,
because this was a pretty quick research Monday Mini. So
(15:44):
if you if you have any thoughts or any other
resources or anything, please right in and I'll let us know.
You can email us a stuff in your mom Stuff
at i heeartmedia dot com. You can find us on
Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok
at stuff I've Never Told You Rousso on YouTube. We
have a tea public store, and we have a book
you can get wherever you get your books. Thanks as
(16:05):
always to our super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya,
and your conjubuter Joey. Thank you and thanks to you
for listening STUFFE Never Told You the prediction of My
Heart Radio. For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, you
can check out the heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!