June 25, 2026 • 36 mins
We’re back with more Dear Banya, even if we may not have the qualifications to solve these problems.
A Scrubber has a question about Becca’s coming out journey which leads to the story of how Tanya became the co-host! Another Scrubber found some questionable texts on her boyfriend’s phone and we try to help with some in-law issues.
Plus… was Tanya caught speeding??
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Scrubbing in with Becka Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
and two times People's Choice Award winning podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hello everybody, they are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
How you doing, doing dandy? How you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:21):
I'm great, just absolutely Like after doing the first podcast,
I feel like I'm in like the groove, you know
you do. I get so tired so Hayley doing all this.
I mean, she did so much press for the movie,
like for two weeks it was like multiple interviews every day.
But for a while she was just doing podcasts here
and there starting out the press, and she was like,
(00:43):
I don't know how y'all do multiple podcasts back to back.
I'm exhausted. It's like, that's right, show biz baby doing
a little flex nine.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Years Like get her getting asked the same questions over
and over. That's the thing it.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I do feel like that would be like if we
were having the same conversation over and over again, I
think we'd be like tired, you're right, you know.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
You're right. We like although I feel like I could
just go through an answer any questions they have for her,
I can answer, I know the real top of my head.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I because I feel like when I did my press
for my book, it was like, really the only thing
I can kind of equate it to. And it's true,
it's like there's this monotony to it, you know, like
there's like these pillars that everybody asks you about, and
it's just like how many times can I have the
same But it's to so many different audiences, so it's
like you kind of have to say this, you know,
the same thing, just to spread right. So I do
(01:32):
think maybe Haley's experience was different than ours.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
It's like the Lady Gaga when she was in uh.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Yeah Born This or What No No?
Speaker 2 (01:42):
With Bradley Cooper Stars A Star Was Born, Star is Born? Yeah,
and there were she said one hundred You can have
one hundred people in the room and all it takes
is one to believe in you or whatever, And it's
like that story is so impactful. But then with TikTok
and social media gets put into like a you know,
(02:02):
a whole video, you've heard it once, you've heard it before.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Yeah, it's not giving authentic, that's the problem, I know.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
But it's like how many how many stories can you
come up with.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
For every different your job? Think about it?
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yeah, she could have maybe switched up the wording.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Especially when it's like such an impactful line, like you
can't just keep using that. Yes, the age of social media.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Like someone did a video where it was all it
was the wow ok trend, but it was her saying
that line and it was like different ways, so funny.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Yeah, that is pretty good. It's also scary sometimes it
is so scary.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
I think I have to stop ingesting so much. Yeah,
because I also take everything for like I take I
think everybody's like an expert, you know what I mean.
And Robbie will be like, Babe, these people don't know
what they're talking about. Why are you listening to them?
And I'm like, but they say I need to eat
this to to for my mitochondria. And He's like, who
(03:12):
the fuck is that person? Like you need to stop
and get off the scrolling. And I'm like, I think
he might be right because you can't control what you see,
do you know what I mean? Yeah, and my algorithm
knows what it's doing.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Hailey said something to me about not oh, not washing
your dog's bowls or something, Yes, not washing them, like
being you shouldn't or something.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Yeah, something, And I go Okay, sometimes you just gotta
log off, you know.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
But I'm like, Hailey, like anything I see, I like
send it right over to Robbie and I'm like, we
have to do this, this, this, And he's like, I'm
not listening to like user two three.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Five, And that's that's we need. We need that balance.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah, for y'all, speaking of what I forgot.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
But the day we got home from opening day, which
was Friday, we got home and and I get home
and I see that Phoebe had had like an diarrhea
on our carp rug awesome, and I was like, oh,
I'm so sorry, like are you sick? And so I'm
it is a like I'm using every cleaner I have.
(04:20):
I'm like, I'm freaking out, like get rid of the rug.
So then I go, I'm walking back in the hallway.
There's more drops of it on the hardwood floor, and
I'm like, Okay, well, at least she tried to make
it onto just the hardwood floor. She has diarrhea, So
I'm cleaning that up. Colorox wives like crazy, go back
into the bedroom, more on our bedroom carp rug. So
(04:44):
I am just absolutely stressed out, and I'm like, man,
we come home. Haley's holding the dog back like the
bag while I'm putting like the wipes and stuff. She's like,
you know, life is so glamorous. You go from like
your opening week directorial day to jeanning up your dogs.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Remember when phoebpede on our bed, my bed.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Yeah, she's going out of that.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I think she'll never live that down in our house
now we don't let dogs up in our bedroom like Phoebe.
Phoebe lost all the privileges for any dog to come
into our bedroom.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, that's really sad.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
You know what I forgot to tell you about. Actually
what So we had our canasta tournament last week. So
it wasn't like a tournament. This was just like a
Canasta knight.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Okay, fun.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
It was just fun.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
No low steaks, low steaks.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Robbie and I sat down with these two girls who
were like canasta masters, so we were like canasteras and
so robb and I were like, we're probably gonna lose,
but we'll learn, you know, like this is a great
learning because we've only played a handful of times and
then we only got two We had two tutoring sessions. Okay,
our tutor was at this party and we were like
talking to her and she's like, oh, I brag about
(05:53):
you guys all the time. Like I say, I had
a couple pick it up in two sessions, and I
was like really, She's like, yeah, some people take like
twelve sessions. And I was like, oh my gosh. Like
so I'm feeling fly Like I'm like she kind of
puffed me up. My chest was out. Yeah, and we're
playing with these masters, these two girls, and we crushed them,
like blew them out of the water. And I'm like,
(06:15):
maybe Robbie and I have something here like like to
where we could do it competitively.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
You should do it, I know.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
So I'm looking into if they do CANASA tournaments because
I want to enter. And then I get home that
night and I found out that Travis Kelcey was at
the same place we were at that night, but I
didn't see him because I was like, just like, no,
he wasn't. He wasn't in the CANASA tournament. It's like
a club that has like many different like levels or
like a restaurant on one and there's like a rooftop bar.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
In LA Yeah, Birtree, he was there.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yeah, but we had LA ships in the night.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
He probably came way after you.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
That's what I was thinking. I was like, we were
probably leaving our getting ready for dinner. Yeah yeah, but
I was so excited about it.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, that's exciting.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, regardless.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Anyway, allegedly he was on his bachelor trip. Was that
his bachelor trip?
Speaker 1 (07:08):
I'm guessing, well, it was Wednesday night.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
So oh you never know. When you're a celebrity, you
do a bachelor week sure an LA bachelor romp.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, because Taylor had her bachelrette this weekend, I thought
the island fireworks.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Do you scroll on social media?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
I do, but I saw this thing that was like
they're getting ready for a wedding and it was like,
clearly not their wedding because people were like, I don't
think those people would be dressed like that for their wedding.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Oh shoot, yeah, feels judgmental.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So I don't know. I don't I just don't believe
everything when I scroll.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Oh I do.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
So, like Taylor had her bachelor party, she bacherette party,
fireworks in Rhode Island. There was fireworks. Like Lively was
not there because she was photographed in New York City.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
But yeah, I did see that, but she was photographed
on what ever, it was two different nights, so she
could have been at the party the.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Bachelorette for this one night. Sure, just a quick extent, Sure,
in and out. Yeah, do people do that? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Most of most people do bachelor at nights and it's
not like a whole thing. So Blake could have been like,
I just need to pop in and then I gotta
get back to the kids. I'm sticking with my story
that she wasn't invited.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
No, I don't know if she was invited. She just
wasn't there. Okay, she might have been invited, but I
can't confirm nor deny.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Than Tanya will call TMZ but it's Tanya's maybe.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
Zigone what the zigon zygoat is like an embryo, But
I don't think ygon.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Semi. I don't know. We'll work on it. Into Dear Banya.
Speaker 3 (08:55):
Let's do some Dear Banya. This first one is uh
from Brie, who is a Canadian ally and has some
questions for Becca. So Beca, get your answering muscles ready. Truthfully,
I started listening to your podcast when Becka came out.
I found her story so beautiful and inspiring, and I've
been a regular listener ever since. Well, welcome to the party, Brie.
Looking back through Beca's story, I realized that her sisters
(09:17):
are also queer. It made me curious about what that
experience has been like for your family growing up in
the South. Did you and your sisters have conversations about
identity with one another or was everyone's journey more individual?
Is that something that was openly discussed when you were younger,
or did those conversations happen later in life? And his
having queer sisters shaped the way your family relates to
and supports one another. Happy pride from a Canadian ally, xoxobri.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Hi Brie, thanks for listening. It's been a very interesting
journey because I didn't even like I don't have the
experience of feeling like I was in the closet my
whole life, right because I am also attracted to men,
and I think any idea of like what in hindsight
(10:04):
could have been a crush, I just thought like, oh,
I want to I want to be like her, or
I don't even have remember I had like crushes on
teachers or like innocent things like that, but I didn't
have like friends or people that were my peers that
I had crushes on that I remember till I was older,
where I go like, oh, maybe that was more of
a crush than a just like a friend only so
(10:28):
I had a different experience, And because when I met
Hayley was the first time that I even started thinking
or questioning that, and so it wasn't a conversation I
ever really thought about having growing up. And I also
grew up very conservative and Christian, so it was just
very much like shut off because like, you're told that's wrong,
so don't even go there. Basically, my sisters are Caroline's
(10:52):
seven years younger than me, and then my other sister,
Hank is like eleven years younger than me. So they
had each other, I think now, navigating that together and
probably had more conversations about it. I didn't find out
till they lived with me, and I think Kink was
nineteen or eighteen when she told me. And it was
so nice when I met Haley because they were living
(11:15):
with me at the time and so we had each
other and you know, it's like you navigate hard conversations
with family and coming out and I don't share a
lot about that because I've chosen to have a public
life and that wasn't my family's choice. But I think
in all, yeah, I think having sisters who were super
supportive and also understood the feelings that I was going
(11:36):
through even though I'm so much older than them, was
really like helpful for me to accept what I was
feeling without overthinking it. Because when they came out to me,
I remember that was when I kind of questioned, like
how I was raised to believe that it was wrong?
And I was like, wait, these people that I love
more than anything, how am I supposed to think anything
(11:57):
negatively about them? Like? I just want them to be happy,
be and fine love And so I think having those
conversations before I met Haley made me accept those feelings
I had for her so much easier because I knew
I had them at the very least. I was like,
everyone could leave and not I wouldn't have anybody. At
least I have them. So yeah, I think having that
(12:19):
was really like a beautiful part of that part of
my life. And I also think it wasn't something we
discussed growing up because we didn't talk about our feelings
much about like they were so much younger than me,
so I wasn't really asking them the questions. But actually,
one of my favorite stories, and the reason why Tanya
is on the podcast, is because I had my sisters
(12:39):
on or like one of the first few episodes when
I was just doing the podcast by myself, and they're
so funny and quick witted, and I was like, they'll
be so fun to have on the podcast, but I
didn't know they were queer, and so I was like, oh,
what guy, what kind of guys are y'all into? And
trying to have this call conversation with them, and they
(13:01):
were so awkward, and I was like, they got so
weird in front of the microphone, which now I know why,
but I didn't at the time. And so Tanya was
still in the studio and I was like, Hey, will
you come be on this episode? I need to fill
in this some space here. And that's how it was.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
I was just a chair sitting in the studio.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
You were the most imp to be had it shaped.
Thank you Caroline and Hink for not coming out to
me yet, because it shaped the way this podcast would
be forever forever. But no, we are. We all have
each other and it's been a really special thing. And
(13:42):
you know, I'm really grateful for them and that, especially
during that time, it was vital for me. Yeah, even
though all my friends were totally fine with it.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Somebody asked me about that because we were talking about
the movie, because I guess they were under the impression
that Girls Like Girls was like your Lovestore with Hailey,
and I was like, no, this was like Haley's like
first ever, like she was kind of navigating in it,
you know, and I'm trying to remember who it was.
But they were like, what was it like like when
Becka told you, like, did she have this whole like
(14:13):
coming out to you thing? And I was like, no,
she like literally just told me I made out with
this girl last night. And I was like, oh my god.
It was like the Katy Perry song. I was like,
did you like it?
Speaker 2 (14:23):
You know? Yeah, I liked it.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Like it wasn't even like this coming out thing. It
was literally just like I made out with this girl
and like I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, we never really
had that. It wasn't like a thing.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
No, no. And I also think I, you know, I
was almost thirty at the time. I felt I was
very confident in crazy as it was and I think
that had a big part to do with my how
I navigated it. And I also trust my friends so much,
like I felt so loved my my friend. I never
once thought like, oh my god, Donya was going to
(14:54):
abandon me because I kissed a girl or like a girl.
And then that's why.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
I was honestly concerned for you. At that time. I
was like, I don't know if this girl is capable
of love, Like I'm concerned. She's almost thirty and she's
said she's like never had these feelings and she's never
like wanted to like spend every minute with somebody. I
was like, I just don't know if Becka has it
in her.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Mm hmmm same. I also am such a if you've
seen the movie Sonia Is, they're both like in high
school and sonia Is make some decisions that are really
hurtful and says things that are hurtful. But I am
such a Sonia defender because in my mind, if I
was navigating how I felt about Haley at sixteen seventeen,
(15:39):
whatever in the environment I grew up in, which is
this is wrong, you can't do this. But I knew
how strong my feelings were for her, I would have
been doing the exact same thing, like having those moments
of like I need to like graze your leg, I
need to like kiss you, I need in private, and
then I would feel so much pressure from the outside.
(16:00):
I had noises and what I was supposed to be
in the expectations of me. So everyone who's such a
hater and they're like, don't date a sonya, I'm like,
they're kids, Like the guys are doing this too, and
it doesn't make their actions right.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
The guys were doing it, so they were doing it
to me the coolie.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
It doesn't mean they're a bad person, because I would
like to think people have growth beyond their high school years.
Hopefully we have some questionable text.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Oh yes from I read this and I was pissed.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Let's just take a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, we're back. This one's from anonymous. I'm thirty one.
(16:56):
I've been dating my boyfriend who's twenty eight for seven months.
Notes things have been great. He's never given me a
reason not to trust him. I do have some trust
issues from a previous five year relationship, and I'm actively
working through them in therapy. Recently, while plugging in his phone.
I saw a text exchange with a friend for context.
He's always had an open phone policy and told me
I can look through it whenever I want. My boyfriend writes, bruh,
(17:20):
did Kate lose weight because she looks hot? Friend? Yeah, dude,
she's been on a zembic. My boyfriend, I was gonna say,
if I still live there? Woof crying laughing emoji two
of them. The fact that he finds another woman attractive
doesn't bother me. It's that if I still live there?
Woof comment that felt disrespectful. I also saw a text
where he was complaining to a close female friend about
(17:41):
me getting lip filler. He did say I'm beautiful without it,
but it still bothered me because I've already talked to
him about it. One thing I've told him is that
I'm trying to do relationships differently this time. In my
last relationship, problems were discussed with friends instead of with
each other. And I've made it clear I value bringing
concerns directly to your partner. Are these legitimate concerns worth
bringing up? Or am I lady? My baggage from my
last relationship influenced my reaction, and if I should bring
(18:04):
it up. How would you do it?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
I have two schools of thought on this.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Let's her classes and sessions.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
My first school of thought is, if you dig, you
shall find Like if you're looking through their phone, you're
gonna find something you don't like. I just guarantee it,
no matter what. I don't care. If your husband partner
is Jesus Christ himself, you disagree, you don't think so
(18:35):
if you went digging, I remember I.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I don't think she was digging. I think that's what
she's looking through.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
But she was looking through his phone.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
She was plugging his phone in and.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Looking through it. Yeah, I saw a text. That's looking
through someone like probably saw the text pop up. I'm
just saying something.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
I'm just saying, I don't know. This isn't giving digging.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
All I'm saying is if you dig, you will find
a someon.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Do we agree with this? Uh?
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I agree that if you dig you will fine, yes,
But I also don't think she was looking for I
think she she probably saw a text come through and
was like, let's see what's going on here.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
But that's guys, I don't looking.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Says she was pulling it like he he's like, you
can look through my phone, so she wasn't having to
like get his phone at nice.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
No, but it's still looking period. However, to me, these
text messages are so concerning for multiple disrespectful, so disrespectful
that because she looks hot, Okay, it's fine to say, bruh,
did Kate lose weight? I guess, but because she looks
hot is so inappropriate? And then if I still live there,
woolf also, complaining about your lip filler to another woman
(19:39):
is like beyond weird, too.
Speaker 5 (19:41):
Wild wild Yeah uh though if I still basically what
he is telling you with this text is that if
he ran into her in another place.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Wolf Yeah, But I don't even know how you bring
this up to him, Like the one about complaining about
the lip filler, I would say, like, hey, like I
we're supposed to be a team, like a front facing team,
Like if you don't like my lip filler, just tell me.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I would really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
If you didn't like say that to your friends or
our family, like if you if you have a problem
with it, please come to me and just share it
with me, Like I don't I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
And she said she's already talked to him about it,
So if that would have been his moment, if they
had a conversation of like, hey, I'm gonna get lip
filler and he was like, oh, I think you look
so beautiful with thought it well you know, but yeah
it was. It was going behind the back and complaining
about it. Rude.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
But I don't even know how I would bring up
the other one because I would just be so livid, like,
I don't I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even I don't
even know what to say.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
I'd say, hey, bruh, Yeah, I hate that, he says
if I still lived there and not if I were single, Yeah,
like that's crazy to me, which is still not great, No,
still not great. But also like, also, I'm sorry I
thought Wolf was bad, Like I'm going back to home
alone well as your girlfriend Wolf.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, wof was bad too, But I think.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
It's like wolf like howling like a like a dog,
you know.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
But barking, sparking.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah, it's all bad, it's all horrible.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
I think you should just say, hey, I have been
sitting on this and I was trying to figure out
a way because I'm I'm wanting to do this relationship
differently than I did my last one, and I don't
want to bring my insecurities from my last relationship into
this one. But I was plugging your phone in and
I saw this text exchange, and I'm just having a
really hard time moving on from it. So I wanted
(21:35):
to talk about it with you, and and I personally
don't know how I would move forward with this with trust,
Like I would definitely have to be like, we need
a couples therapists to navigate how I'm feeling about this,
because that to me basically is like in my mind,
I would be like he's he's going to cheat.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Yeah, I just it just to me. I don't want
to say it's like grounds breaking up, but I just
feel like you don't want someone moving that way or
thinking that it's okay to move that way inside a relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Talk about and like you can't with other people.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
It's a character thing, yeah, do you know what I mean?
Like it's not something that he can It's not like
I don't like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
Please don't leave the toilet seat up, because then I
fall in you know what I mean? Like this is
like a character thing. That I unfortunately don't think that
you can correct in conversation with him. Do you know
what I mean?
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah, it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful to you both. Both things
that he did here that we have evidence of, who
knows what we don't have evidence of.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yeah, I just it's not it's just.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Me being You're trying to heal something that someone else
broke or you had issues with from a previous relationship,
and I fear that you're with someone who is going
to disrespect you he already has.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, it's just going to continue and it probably will
get worse.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
But I definitely think you should bring it up. I
would be so curious to hear what his reasoning or.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Now he will weasel his way out of this so fast.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
There's nothing I mean like Ross.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Geller and some leather slippery jeans.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
He did not always allow to try try and damn
what happens. I just think you need to bring it up.
I don't think you're crazy for being upset by this.
I don't think you're irrational. I don't think you're in
the wrong. I think that he is very disrespectful and
if he's speaking about if you found that just with
(23:30):
no effort. There's no what is he saying about you? Like,
how is he speaking about you? Not in text messages
when he's with his boys on a night out.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
I think you're in a very great part of the
relationship though, because they've been together seven months, Because that
to me, that's not like you could still end this
and you're you're not living.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Together, right, no skin off your teeth.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
Yeah, but the seven months is also long enough for
someone to show you who he is. I think I
think this he's not going to change. I don't think
even if you bring us up to him and he's like, well,
you know what, You're right. I should not have said
those things, like he's not going to do that first
of all, and if he did, I don't know. I'm sorry.
This is just like this type of guy I don't
think changes. Yeah, sorry to say that.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really Yeah,
that's tough. But I agree Easton that you make a
good point. You're in a good spot ended right now.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Yeah, it feels like an ended to me too.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Here's another anonymous one. I've been married for almost twelve years.
My relationship with my mother in law has always been difficult.
She's often been critical and judgmental of me, but I've
always tried to keep the peace. In twenty twenty, a
huge fight broke out during a family vacation. My husband
had just had a hip replacement and was running a
fever during the trip, and a lot of long standing
issues came to the surface. My in law's left that night,
(24:50):
and despite our attempts to reach out afterward, they completely
cut off communication with us and our kids for an
entire year. No calls, no birthday nothing. A few weeks ago,
my father in law reach out to my husband and
ask to reconnect. My husband is ready to move forward,
but I'm struggling with the idea of simply pretending nothing happened.
What hurts me most is the impact on my kids,
especially my son, who is extremely close with his grandfather.
(25:12):
He spent that year confused, hurt, and wondering why they
disappeared from his life. I've told my husband that before
we move forward, I'd like a conversation with his parents
about what happened and said we acknowledgment of the hurt
that was caused. I'm not looking for a perfect apology,
but I don't want to teach my kids that it's
okay to just disappear from someone's life for a year
and then act like nothing happened. Am I justified in
wanting to address it and set boundaries or should I
(25:34):
let it go and move on.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
I know that everyone's living life for the first time,
like everyone's navigating things as they go. But when parents
don't act like parents, yeah, it drives me crazy. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
And it's like because at the end of the day,
when you're fighting, it's really ego, Like that's really what
we don't know and tell us what this spide is about.
But it's really just ego that makes you stop talking.
And and then there's children involved, Like you're hurting these
little kids' hards innocent because of your ego because you
can't just suck it up and either apologize or like
(26:15):
get to some common ground with another adult.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
My thing is, even if you have conflict with the adults,
like send the kids gifts.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Like yeah them like yes, it's so it's insane behavior
that is so devastating. It's I agree.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
With everything you're saying. I don't think you can expect
a perfect that I think there it's the only thing
that can rebuild. This is time and like you know,
working at both parties choosing to move forward. But I
also think you deserve every right to have a conversation
about like, hey, this was really hurtful and we need
to talk about why that was wrong and how we
(26:54):
all want to move forward.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Well, I think ultimately, I do think coming to like
some understand and communication and like having that be a
cordial relationship is super important. But I also think setting
the boundary and the expectation of like, you cannot do
this to my kids again, Like if you're going to
be in their lives, You're going to be in their lives.
You're not just going to ghost them again, like that
this isn't happening again.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
Yeah, otherwise you're out forever. Yeah, Like if you can
have issues with us, but you cannot come in and
out as you please into their lives. Yeah, but yeah,
I'm sorry that I would. I definitely think your husband
should navigate this with you and be a team with
you and make sure that y'all are having the conversations
needed that you feel ready to like have them back
(27:39):
in y'all's lives.
Speaker 6 (27:39):
Yeah, sheesh, that's a rough one.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yeah, we have another anonymous one, but should we should
we take a break?
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Were you going to do the husband stalling with kids
in emotional affair?
Speaker 3 (27:53):
I was going that's when I was going to.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Okay, let's take a break and then do it.
Speaker 6 (27:57):
Okay, we're about.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
Another anonymous email here on Dear Bonnia. My husband and
I had been together for thirteen years and married for five.
Before we got engaged, I was very clear that I
wanted children, and he agreed that he could see that
future too. But seven years later, he's still ensure about
having kids, and it's become one of the biggest challenges
in our marriage. Recently, while trying to understand why we
felt so disconnected, I discovered he's been having what I
(28:36):
would consider to be an emotional affair with a coworker.
There was nothing physical, but he had been confiding in
her about his fears, his stress, work struggles, and concerns
about our future, things I thought he was sharing with me.
He says the relationship developed during a stressful period and
wasn't the cause of our problems, but rather a result
of them. He has apologized, taking accountability and says he's
committed to repairing our marriage. Still, I feel blindsided and
(28:59):
deeply betrayed. How do I know if his uncertainty about
children is something he'll eventually work through? And how do
I know whether our marriage can recover after he chose
to lean on someone else during such an important crossroads
in our lives? At what point do you stop believing
in someone's potential and start accepting it who they are
right now?
Speaker 2 (29:17):
This might need to go to someone with a higher
degree than us. Want to say, why because it feels
like you know this, the conversation of wanting kids before
you get married is such an important decision for both
people to agree on, and it sounds like.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
It seems like they did. And then he changes mind.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Yeah, but which is not communicating that to her. He's
going to somebody else that he spends every day with
at work this information, And it's like the question I
would have is why do you feel so safe? Why
don't you feel safe sharing that with me as your partner?
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Yeah? I feel like these are things that are very
important to talk about before you get married, you know,
like being on the same page about those things is
like so crucial, even if it takes you longer, you
know what I mean? Like robb and I weren't always
necessarily on the same page about everything in terms of timing,
(30:19):
just because of our history and like our lives and
where we were at. But like we overly communicated our
expectations and what we wanted out of the relationship, and
when we finally got on the same page, that's when
we got engaged and like moved our relationship forward. So
I feel like having those conversations is super important. Also,
I don't know how old you are, but like you
(30:41):
can't kick the can forever, you know what I mean.
Like unfortunately, as women, we do have a biological clock
and like he's gotta get on the horse, if you
know what I'm saying, or vice versa.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Do you kick the can mean die?
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No? Kick the can means like you just kick it down,
like I'll do it later, I'll do it tomorrow, I'll
do it, and I will do it next y you.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
It also does mean die.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Oh, it means both. Oh what a double on tom.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
Kick the can down the road means to delay something
and then kick the can, So I.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Meant kick the can down the road.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's I mean, it's it's tough. I always think,
like when you get when you're in a long term
or serious relationship with someone, I think you have to
be you really have to be on the same page
on things like children and then like personal values. That's
something like Alison and I do not have the same
taste in music, or like there's so many things where
(31:35):
we are different on, but we are exactly aligned in
like you know, uh, the politics and where we are
in terms of starting a family and those kind of expectations.
And I think that's why a relationship works. You really
have to be locked in. And I think the fact
that she was so determined she said like, I know
(31:56):
I wanted kids, and he was like, kind of she says,
I he could see that future too.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Same.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
I Also now there's this, Okay, so you have stalled
and we don't know where we land on having kids
or when that's going to happen. So there's that issue.
And now she has this trust issue with him confiding
and someone else, and it's like, how do you navigate
him going to work every day that.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
This person that would send me.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
All jerks aside. I really do think you should talk
to a couple therapists because I think you need to
decide what are the boundaries that work that are realistic,
because like, if this is a job that he loves
and is financially supporting, y'all, then he can't just quit
his job. But like, what does it look like moving forward?
Because on top of big life decisions, now you have
(32:46):
to consider him, you know, having an emotional affair.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
You Know what's interesting, though, is I always feel like,
because they're married, the stakes are higher, do you know
what I mean? Where if they weren't married, they were
together for thirteen years and he was having he was
playing these tricks, I'd be like, get out, yeah, move on.
But I'm like, the stakes are higher because they're married.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
But then I'm like, yeah, but there's no kids yet, right.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Well, maybe get out now. But then I like that
he apologized, took accountability, and says he's committed to repairing
our marriage. Like that is a huge thing. Imagine if
it was if he was just like, there's no problem
with those of them, a whole different story, we'd all
be like, get out. The fact that he did those
things makes me feel like he's not a bad guy.
(33:30):
He maybe made some bad choices.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I think you talked to somebody, a professional, tell him
that's what you need to do?
Speaker 1 (33:38):
What fine?
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I just think it's I think it's helpful because I
don't want her to get into a place where she's
spirals and then the boundaries are confused or blurred and
they don't know what's okay, what's not okay? Do you
want to have kids like he He clearly doesn't feel
safe to talk to her about it. So having a
third party there to navigate the conversation, I just think
(34:02):
would be so helpful.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Yeah, just to say what.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
You need to say, both of you. But I'm so sorry.
This is awful, really complicated and tough. We wish you
the best whatever that looks like.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
Yes, yes, I hope everything works out for you. Anonymous.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
I think we should wrap.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Let's do the last one.
Speaker 3 (34:23):
Yeah, I know. I think we should do one more
before we say goodbye. And I'm sorry we did. That
was a very heavy one. And this is another kind
of intense email. So I'm really sorry. This is from
Brooke Dear Becca Tanya Mark in Easton. I'm an avid
listener from South Carolina and I came upon this story
while scrolling social media. Had to read it to make
sure this was not Tanya Love a huge Tanya taught Brook.
(34:45):
Here's the article women arrested after driving over one hundred
miles per hour to watch Love Island. Tanya, were you
in Arizona recently?
Speaker 1 (34:55):
This was not me. You could have been, It could
have been, It could have been, But it was not me.
She was maybe season six, but not seasoning.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3 (35:06):
She's going one hundred and eight and a sixty five
mile prior zone. She was trying to get home fast
to watch Love Island, to make it home in time.
Speaker 5 (35:12):
You know.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
I do have to say though, now that Love Island
is bigger than it was before. I could watch Love
Island at my leisure. Now, if I don't watch it
the day it comes out, I'm getting spoilers on social media.
So I understand the speeding because the spoilers do be coming.
And even me, somebody like, if you don't watch it
at six pm on the nose, you're getting spoilers, Like
(35:35):
I watch them before I go to bed, so it's
like eight o'clock at night, and I've already seen like
some of the crotch stuff, you know, so.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Broke crotch stuff, well, like the girth check.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Yeah, the check. I'm seeing all this stuff on social media,
and I'm like, I don't want to see that. So
I understand the speeding.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Well, here's the thing though, it's it's a sometimes you're
speeding to rush home so you don't miss it, and
then you get pulled over and put you even further
back with a ticket.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Yeah, that's true. It's never as no.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
If she got a ticket or not, that's the important part.
Did Love Island to get her out of the ticket?
I imagine no.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
I She was arrested and booked on charges of pel
speed and her vehicle was impounded for twenty days.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
Shes just a way, just drive the speed limit. It'll
be there when you get home. Okay, we will be.
We're leaving. We're done.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Audios, audios.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
We love y'all so much. I love you a wonderful weekend.
Speaker 6 (36:32):
Bye.
Scrubbing in with Becka Tilly and Tanya rad and iHeartRadio
and two times People's Choice Award winning podcasts.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Hello everybody, they are scrubbing in.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
How you doing, doing dandy? How you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:21):
I'm great, just absolutely Like after doing the first podcast,
I feel like I'm in like the groove, you know
you do. I get so tired so Hayley doing all this.
I mean, she did so much press for the movie,
like for two weeks it was like multiple interviews every day.
But for a while she was just doing podcasts here
and there starting out the press, and she was like,
(00:43):
I don't know how y'all do multiple podcasts back to back.
I'm exhausted. It's like, that's right, show biz baby doing
a little flex nine.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Years Like get her getting asked the same questions over
and over. That's the thing it.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
I do feel like that would be like if we
were having the same conversation over and over again, I
think we'd be like tired, you're right, you know.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
You're right. We like although I feel like I could
just go through an answer any questions they have for her,
I can answer, I know the real top of my head.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I because I feel like when I did my press
for my book, it was like, really the only thing
I can kind of equate it to. And it's true,
it's like there's this monotony to it, you know, like
there's like these pillars that everybody asks you about, and
it's just like how many times can I have the
same But it's to so many different audiences, so it's
like you kind of have to say this, you know,
the same thing, just to spread right. So I do
(01:32):
think maybe Haley's experience was different than ours.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
It's like the Lady Gaga when she was in uh.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Yeah Born This or What No No?
Speaker 2 (01:42):
With Bradley Cooper Stars A Star Was Born, Star is Born? Yeah,
and there were she said one hundred You can have
one hundred people in the room and all it takes
is one to believe in you or whatever, And it's
like that story is so impactful. But then with TikTok
and social media gets put into like a you know,
(02:02):
a whole video, you've heard it once, you've heard it before.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
Yeah, it's not giving authentic, that's the problem, I know.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
But it's like how many how many stories can you
come up with.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
For every different your job? Think about it?
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yeah, she could have maybe switched up the wording.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Especially when it's like such an impactful line, like you
can't just keep using that. Yes, the age of social media.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
Like someone did a video where it was all it
was the wow ok trend, but it was her saying
that line and it was like different ways, so funny.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
Yeah, that is pretty good. It's also scary sometimes it
is so scary.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
I think I have to stop ingesting so much. Yeah,
because I also take everything for like I take I
think everybody's like an expert, you know what I mean.
And Robbie will be like, Babe, these people don't know
what they're talking about. Why are you listening to them?
And I'm like, but they say I need to eat
this to to for my mitochondria. And He's like, who
(03:12):
the fuck is that person? Like you need to stop
and get off the scrolling. And I'm like, I think
he might be right because you can't control what you see,
do you know what I mean? Yeah, and my algorithm
knows what it's doing.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Hailey said something to me about not oh, not washing
your dog's bowls or something, Yes, not washing them, like
being you shouldn't or something.
Speaker 4 (03:37):
Yeah, something, And I go Okay, sometimes you just gotta
log off, you know.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
But I'm like, Hailey, like anything I see, I like
send it right over to Robbie and I'm like, we
have to do this, this, this, And he's like, I'm
not listening to like user two three.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Five, And that's that's we need. We need that balance.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
Yeah, for y'all, speaking of what I forgot.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
But the day we got home from opening day, which
was Friday, we got home and and I get home
and I see that Phoebe had had like an diarrhea
on our carp rug awesome, and I was like, oh,
I'm so sorry, like are you sick? And so I'm
it is a like I'm using every cleaner I have.
(04:20):
I'm like, I'm freaking out, like get rid of the rug.
So then I go, I'm walking back in the hallway.
There's more drops of it on the hardwood floor, and
I'm like, Okay, well, at least she tried to make
it onto just the hardwood floor. She has diarrhea, So
I'm cleaning that up. Colorox wives like crazy, go back
into the bedroom, more on our bedroom carp rug. So
(04:44):
I am just absolutely stressed out, and I'm like, man,
we come home. Haley's holding the dog back like the
bag while I'm putting like the wipes and stuff. She's like,
you know, life is so glamorous. You go from like
your opening week directorial day to jeanning up your dogs.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Remember when phoebpede on our bed, my bed.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Yeah, she's going out of that.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
I think she'll never live that down in our house
now we don't let dogs up in our bedroom like Phoebe.
Phoebe lost all the privileges for any dog to come
into our bedroom.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, that's really sad.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
You know what I forgot to tell you about. Actually
what So we had our canasta tournament last week. So
it wasn't like a tournament. This was just like a
Canasta knight.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Okay, fun.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
It was just fun.
Speaker 2 (05:28):
No low steaks, low steaks.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Robbie and I sat down with these two girls who
were like canasta masters, so we were like canasteras and
so robb and I were like, we're probably gonna lose,
but we'll learn, you know, like this is a great
learning because we've only played a handful of times and
then we only got two We had two tutoring sessions. Okay,
our tutor was at this party and we were like
talking to her and she's like, oh, I brag about
(05:53):
you guys all the time. Like I say, I had
a couple pick it up in two sessions, and I
was like really, She's like, yeah, some people take like
twelve sessions. And I was like, oh my gosh. Like
so I'm feeling fly Like I'm like she kind of
puffed me up. My chest was out. Yeah, and we're
playing with these masters, these two girls, and we crushed them,
like blew them out of the water. And I'm like,
(06:15):
maybe Robbie and I have something here like like to
where we could do it competitively.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
You should do it, I know.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
So I'm looking into if they do CANASA tournaments because
I want to enter. And then I get home that
night and I found out that Travis Kelcey was at
the same place we were at that night, but I
didn't see him because I was like, just like, no,
he wasn't. He wasn't in the CANASA tournament. It's like
a club that has like many different like levels or
like a restaurant on one and there's like a rooftop bar.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
In LA Yeah, Birtree, he was there.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Yeah, but we had LA ships in the night.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
He probably came way after you.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
That's what I was thinking. I was like, we were
probably leaving our getting ready for dinner. Yeah yeah, but
I was so excited about it.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, that's exciting.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
Yeah, regardless.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Anyway, allegedly he was on his bachelor trip. Was that
his bachelor trip?
Speaker 1 (07:08):
I'm guessing, well, it was Wednesday night.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
So oh you never know. When you're a celebrity, you
do a bachelor week sure an LA bachelor romp.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Yeah, because Taylor had her bachelrette this weekend, I thought
the island fireworks.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Do you scroll on social media?
Speaker 2 (07:31):
I do, but I saw this thing that was like
they're getting ready for a wedding and it was like,
clearly not their wedding because people were like, I don't
think those people would be dressed like that for their wedding.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Oh shoot, yeah, feels judgmental.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
So I don't know. I don't I just don't believe
everything when I scroll.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
Oh I do.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
So, like Taylor had her bachelor party, she bacherette party,
fireworks in Rhode Island. There was fireworks. Like Lively was
not there because she was photographed in New York City.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
But yeah, I did see that, but she was photographed
on what ever, it was two different nights, so she
could have been at the party the.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Bachelorette for this one night. Sure, just a quick extent, Sure,
in and out. Yeah, do people do that? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Most of most people do bachelor at nights and it's
not like a whole thing. So Blake could have been like,
I just need to pop in and then I gotta
get back to the kids. I'm sticking with my story
that she wasn't invited.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
No, I don't know if she was invited. She just
wasn't there. Okay, she might have been invited, but I
can't confirm nor deny.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Than Tanya will call TMZ but it's Tanya's maybe.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
Zigone what the zigon zygoat is like an embryo, But
I don't think ygon.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Semi. I don't know. We'll work on it. Into Dear Banya.
Speaker 3 (08:55):
Let's do some Dear Banya. This first one is uh
from Brie, who is a Canadian ally and has some
questions for Becca. So Beca, get your answering muscles ready. Truthfully,
I started listening to your podcast when Becka came out.
I found her story so beautiful and inspiring, and I've
been a regular listener ever since. Well, welcome to the party, Brie.
Looking back through Beca's story, I realized that her sisters
(09:17):
are also queer. It made me curious about what that
experience has been like for your family growing up in
the South. Did you and your sisters have conversations about
identity with one another or was everyone's journey more individual?
Is that something that was openly discussed when you were younger,
or did those conversations happen later in life? And his
having queer sisters shaped the way your family relates to
and supports one another. Happy pride from a Canadian ally, xoxobri.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Hi Brie, thanks for listening. It's been a very interesting
journey because I didn't even like I don't have the
experience of feeling like I was in the closet my
whole life, right because I am also attracted to men,
and I think any idea of like what in hindsight
(10:04):
could have been a crush, I just thought like, oh,
I want to I want to be like her, or
I don't even have remember I had like crushes on
teachers or like innocent things like that, but I didn't
have like friends or people that were my peers that
I had crushes on that I remember till I was older,
where I go like, oh, maybe that was more of
a crush than a just like a friend only so
(10:28):
I had a different experience, And because when I met
Hayley was the first time that I even started thinking
or questioning that, and so it wasn't a conversation I
ever really thought about having growing up. And I also
grew up very conservative and Christian, so it was just
very much like shut off because like, you're told that's wrong,
so don't even go there. Basically, my sisters are Caroline's
(10:52):
seven years younger than me, and then my other sister,
Hank is like eleven years younger than me. So they
had each other, I think now, navigating that together and
probably had more conversations about it. I didn't find out
till they lived with me, and I think Kink was
nineteen or eighteen when she told me. And it was
so nice when I met Haley because they were living
(11:15):
with me at the time and so we had each
other and you know, it's like you navigate hard conversations
with family and coming out and I don't share a
lot about that because I've chosen to have a public
life and that wasn't my family's choice. But I think
in all, yeah, I think having sisters who were super
supportive and also understood the feelings that I was going
(11:36):
through even though I'm so much older than them, was
really like helpful for me to accept what I was
feeling without overthinking it. Because when they came out to me,
I remember that was when I kind of questioned, like
how I was raised to believe that it was wrong?
And I was like, wait, these people that I love
more than anything, how am I supposed to think anything
(11:57):
negatively about them? Like? I just want them to be happy,
be and fine love And so I think having those
conversations before I met Haley made me accept those feelings
I had for her so much easier because I knew
I had them at the very least. I was like,
everyone could leave and not I wouldn't have anybody. At
least I have them. So yeah, I think having that
(12:19):
was really like a beautiful part of that part of
my life. And I also think it wasn't something we
discussed growing up because we didn't talk about our feelings
much about like they were so much younger than me,
so I wasn't really asking them the questions. But actually,
one of my favorite stories, and the reason why Tanya
is on the podcast, is because I had my sisters
(12:39):
on or like one of the first few episodes when
I was just doing the podcast by myself, and they're
so funny and quick witted, and I was like, they'll
be so fun to have on the podcast, but I
didn't know they were queer, and so I was like, oh,
what guy, what kind of guys are y'all into? And
trying to have this call conversation with them, and they
(13:01):
were so awkward, and I was like, they got so
weird in front of the microphone, which now I know why,
but I didn't at the time. And so Tanya was
still in the studio and I was like, Hey, will
you come be on this episode? I need to fill
in this some space here. And that's how it was.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
I was just a chair sitting in the studio.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
You were the most imp to be had it shaped.
Thank you Caroline and Hink for not coming out to
me yet, because it shaped the way this podcast would
be forever forever. But no, we are. We all have
each other and it's been a really special thing. And
(13:42):
you know, I'm really grateful for them and that, especially
during that time, it was vital for me. Yeah, even
though all my friends were totally fine with it.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Somebody asked me about that because we were talking about
the movie, because I guess they were under the impression
that Girls Like Girls was like your Lovestore with Hailey,
and I was like, no, this was like Haley's like
first ever, like she was kind of navigating in it,
you know, and I'm trying to remember who it was.
But they were like, what was it like like when
Becka told you, like, did she have this whole like
(14:13):
coming out to you thing? And I was like, no,
she like literally just told me I made out with
this girl last night. And I was like, oh my god.
It was like the Katy Perry song. I was like,
did you like it?
Speaker 2 (14:23):
You know? Yeah, I liked it.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Like it wasn't even like this coming out thing. It
was literally just like I made out with this girl
and like I'm obsessed with her. Yeah, we never really
had that. It wasn't like a thing.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
No, no. And I also think I, you know, I
was almost thirty at the time. I felt I was
very confident in crazy as it was and I think
that had a big part to do with my how
I navigated it. And I also trust my friends so much,
like I felt so loved my my friend. I never
once thought like, oh my god, Donya was going to
(14:54):
abandon me because I kissed a girl or like a girl.
And then that's why.
Speaker 1 (15:00):
I was honestly concerned for you. At that time. I
was like, I don't know if this girl is capable
of love, Like I'm concerned. She's almost thirty and she's
said she's like never had these feelings and she's never
like wanted to like spend every minute with somebody. I
was like, I just don't know if Becka has it
in her.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Mm hmmm same. I also am such a if you've
seen the movie Sonia Is, they're both like in high
school and sonia Is make some decisions that are really
hurtful and says things that are hurtful. But I am
such a Sonia defender because in my mind, if I
was navigating how I felt about Haley at sixteen seventeen,
(15:39):
whatever in the environment I grew up in, which is
this is wrong, you can't do this. But I knew
how strong my feelings were for her, I would have
been doing the exact same thing, like having those moments
of like I need to like graze your leg, I
need to like kiss you, I need in private, and
then I would feel so much pressure from the outside.
(16:00):
I had noises and what I was supposed to be
in the expectations of me. So everyone who's such a
hater and they're like, don't date a sonya, I'm like,
they're kids, Like the guys are doing this too, and
it doesn't make their actions right.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
The guys were doing it, so they were doing it
to me the coolie.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
It doesn't mean they're a bad person, because I would
like to think people have growth beyond their high school years.
Hopefully we have some questionable text.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
Oh yes from I read this and I was pissed.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Let's just take a break and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Yeah, we're back. This one's from anonymous. I'm thirty one.
(16:56):
I've been dating my boyfriend who's twenty eight for seven months.
Notes things have been great. He's never given me a
reason not to trust him. I do have some trust
issues from a previous five year relationship, and I'm actively
working through them in therapy. Recently, while plugging in his phone.
I saw a text exchange with a friend for context.
He's always had an open phone policy and told me
I can look through it whenever I want. My boyfriend writes, bruh,
(17:20):
did Kate lose weight because she looks hot? Friend? Yeah, dude,
she's been on a zembic. My boyfriend, I was gonna say,
if I still live there? Woof crying laughing emoji two
of them. The fact that he finds another woman attractive
doesn't bother me. It's that if I still live there?
Woof comment that felt disrespectful. I also saw a text
where he was complaining to a close female friend about
(17:41):
me getting lip filler. He did say I'm beautiful without it,
but it still bothered me because I've already talked to
him about it. One thing I've told him is that
I'm trying to do relationships differently this time. In my
last relationship, problems were discussed with friends instead of with
each other. And I've made it clear I value bringing
concerns directly to your partner. Are these legitimate concerns worth
bringing up? Or am I lady? My baggage from my
last relationship influenced my reaction, and if I should bring
(18:04):
it up. How would you do it?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
I have two schools of thought on this.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Let's her classes and sessions.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
My first school of thought is, if you dig, you
shall find Like if you're looking through their phone, you're
gonna find something you don't like. I just guarantee it,
no matter what. I don't care. If your husband partner
is Jesus Christ himself, you disagree, you don't think so
(18:35):
if you went digging, I remember I.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I don't think she was digging. I think that's what
she's looking through.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
But she was looking through his phone.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
She was plugging his phone in and.
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Looking through it. Yeah, I saw a text. That's looking
through someone like probably saw the text pop up. I'm
just saying something.
Speaker 2 (18:51):
I'm just saying, I don't know. This isn't giving digging.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
All I'm saying is if you dig, you will find
a someon.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Do we agree with this? Uh?
Speaker 3 (18:58):
I agree that if you dig you will fine, yes,
But I also don't think she was looking for I
think she she probably saw a text come through and
was like, let's see what's going on here.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
But that's guys, I don't looking.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
Says she was pulling it like he he's like, you
can look through my phone, so she wasn't having to
like get his phone at nice.
Speaker 1 (19:16):
No, but it's still looking period. However, to me, these
text messages are so concerning for multiple disrespectful, so disrespectful
that because she looks hot, Okay, it's fine to say, bruh,
did Kate lose weight? I guess, but because she looks
hot is so inappropriate? And then if I still live there,
woolf also, complaining about your lip filler to another woman
(19:39):
is like beyond weird, too.
Speaker 5 (19:41):
Wild wild Yeah uh though if I still basically what
he is telling you with this text is that if
he ran into her in another place.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Wolf Yeah, But I don't even know how you bring
this up to him, Like the one about complaining about
the lip filler, I would say, like, hey, like I
we're supposed to be a team, like a front facing team,
Like if you don't like my lip filler, just tell me.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I would really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
If you didn't like say that to your friends or
our family, like if you if you have a problem
with it, please come to me and just share it
with me, Like I don't I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
And she said she's already talked to him about it,
So if that would have been his moment, if they
had a conversation of like, hey, I'm gonna get lip
filler and he was like, oh, I think you look
so beautiful with thought it well you know, but yeah
it was. It was going behind the back and complaining
about it. Rude.
Speaker 1 (20:34):
But I don't even know how I would bring up
the other one because I would just be so livid, like,
I don't I wouldn't even, I wouldn't even I don't
even know what to say.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
I'd say, hey, bruh, Yeah, I hate that, he says
if I still lived there and not if I were single, Yeah,
like that's crazy to me, which is still not great, No,
still not great. But also like, also, I'm sorry I
thought Wolf was bad, Like I'm going back to home
alone well as your girlfriend Wolf.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Yeah, wof was bad too, But I think.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
It's like wolf like howling like a like a dog,
you know.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
But barking, sparking.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
Yeah, it's all bad, it's all horrible.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
I think you should just say, hey, I have been
sitting on this and I was trying to figure out
a way because I'm I'm wanting to do this relationship
differently than I did my last one, and I don't
want to bring my insecurities from my last relationship into
this one. But I was plugging your phone in and
I saw this text exchange, and I'm just having a
really hard time moving on from it. So I wanted
(21:35):
to talk about it with you, and and I personally
don't know how I would move forward with this with trust,
Like I would definitely have to be like, we need
a couples therapists to navigate how I'm feeling about this,
because that to me basically is like in my mind,
I would be like he's he's going to cheat.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
Yeah, I just it just to me. I don't want
to say it's like grounds breaking up, but I just
feel like you don't want someone moving that way or
thinking that it's okay to move that way inside a relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Talk about and like you can't with other people.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
It's a character thing, yeah, do you know what I mean?
Like it's not something that he can It's not like
I don't like it when you leave the toilet seat up.
Please don't leave the toilet seat up, because then I
fall in you know what I mean? Like this is
like a character thing. That I unfortunately don't think that
you can correct in conversation with him. Do you know
what I mean?
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah, it's disrespectful. It's disrespectful to you both. Both things
that he did here that we have evidence of, who
knows what we don't have evidence of.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Yeah, I just it's not it's just.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
Me being You're trying to heal something that someone else
broke or you had issues with from a previous relationship,
and I fear that you're with someone who is going
to disrespect you he already has.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, it's just going to continue and it probably will
get worse.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
But I definitely think you should bring it up. I
would be so curious to hear what his reasoning or.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Now he will weasel his way out of this so fast.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
There's nothing I mean like Ross.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
Geller and some leather slippery jeans.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
He did not always allow to try try and damn
what happens. I just think you need to bring it up.
I don't think you're crazy for being upset by this.
I don't think you're irrational. I don't think you're in
the wrong. I think that he is very disrespectful and
if he's speaking about if you found that just with
(23:30):
no effort. There's no what is he saying about you? Like,
how is he speaking about you? Not in text messages
when he's with his boys on a night out.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
I think you're in a very great part of the
relationship though, because they've been together seven months, Because that
to me, that's not like you could still end this
and you're you're not living.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
Together, right, no skin off your teeth.
Speaker 3 (23:52):
Yeah, but the seven months is also long enough for
someone to show you who he is. I think I
think this he's not going to change. I don't think
even if you bring us up to him and he's like, well,
you know what, You're right. I should not have said
those things, like he's not going to do that first
of all, and if he did, I don't know. I'm sorry.
This is just like this type of guy I don't
think changes. Yeah, sorry to say that.
Speaker 2 (24:14):
Yeah, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's really Yeah,
that's tough. But I agree Easton that you make a
good point. You're in a good spot ended right now.
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Yeah, it feels like an ended to me too.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Here's another anonymous one. I've been married for almost twelve years.
My relationship with my mother in law has always been difficult.
She's often been critical and judgmental of me, but I've
always tried to keep the peace. In twenty twenty, a
huge fight broke out during a family vacation. My husband
had just had a hip replacement and was running a
fever during the trip, and a lot of long standing
issues came to the surface. My in law's left that night,
(24:50):
and despite our attempts to reach out afterward, they completely
cut off communication with us and our kids for an
entire year. No calls, no birthday nothing. A few weeks ago,
my father in law reach out to my husband and
ask to reconnect. My husband is ready to move forward,
but I'm struggling with the idea of simply pretending nothing happened.
What hurts me most is the impact on my kids,
especially my son, who is extremely close with his grandfather.
(25:12):
He spent that year confused, hurt, and wondering why they
disappeared from his life. I've told my husband that before
we move forward, I'd like a conversation with his parents
about what happened and said we acknowledgment of the hurt
that was caused. I'm not looking for a perfect apology,
but I don't want to teach my kids that it's
okay to just disappear from someone's life for a year
and then act like nothing happened. Am I justified in
wanting to address it and set boundaries or should I
(25:34):
let it go and move on.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
I know that everyone's living life for the first time,
like everyone's navigating things as they go. But when parents
don't act like parents, yeah, it drives me crazy. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
And it's like because at the end of the day,
when you're fighting, it's really ego, Like that's really what
we don't know and tell us what this spide is about.
But it's really just ego that makes you stop talking.
And and then there's children involved, Like you're hurting these
little kids' hards innocent because of your ego because you
can't just suck it up and either apologize or like
(26:15):
get to some common ground with another adult.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
My thing is, even if you have conflict with the adults,
like send the kids gifts.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Like yeah them like yes, it's so it's insane behavior
that is so devastating. It's I agree.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
With everything you're saying. I don't think you can expect
a perfect that I think there it's the only thing
that can rebuild. This is time and like you know,
working at both parties choosing to move forward. But I
also think you deserve every right to have a conversation
about like, hey, this was really hurtful and we need
to talk about why that was wrong and how we
(26:54):
all want to move forward.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
Well, I think ultimately, I do think coming to like
some understand and communication and like having that be a
cordial relationship is super important. But I also think setting
the boundary and the expectation of like, you cannot do
this to my kids again, Like if you're going to
be in their lives, You're going to be in their lives.
You're not just going to ghost them again, like that
this isn't happening again.
Speaker 2 (27:16):
Yeah, otherwise you're out forever. Yeah, Like if you can
have issues with us, but you cannot come in and
out as you please into their lives. Yeah, but yeah,
I'm sorry that I would. I definitely think your husband
should navigate this with you and be a team with
you and make sure that y'all are having the conversations
needed that you feel ready to like have them back
(27:39):
in y'all's lives.
Speaker 6 (27:39):
Yeah, sheesh, that's a rough one.
Speaker 3 (27:45):
Yeah, we have another anonymous one, but should we should
we take a break?
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Were you going to do the husband stalling with kids
in emotional affair?
Speaker 3 (27:53):
I was going that's when I was going to.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Okay, let's take a break and then do it.
Speaker 6 (27:57):
Okay, we're about.
Speaker 3 (28:15):
Another anonymous email here on Dear Bonnia. My husband and
I had been together for thirteen years and married for five.
Before we got engaged, I was very clear that I
wanted children, and he agreed that he could see that
future too. But seven years later, he's still ensure about
having kids, and it's become one of the biggest challenges
in our marriage. Recently, while trying to understand why we
felt so disconnected, I discovered he's been having what I
(28:36):
would consider to be an emotional affair with a coworker.
There was nothing physical, but he had been confiding in
her about his fears, his stress, work struggles, and concerns
about our future, things I thought he was sharing with me.
He says the relationship developed during a stressful period and
wasn't the cause of our problems, but rather a result
of them. He has apologized, taking accountability and says he's
committed to repairing our marriage. Still, I feel blindsided and
(28:59):
deeply betrayed. How do I know if his uncertainty about
children is something he'll eventually work through? And how do
I know whether our marriage can recover after he chose
to lean on someone else during such an important crossroads
in our lives? At what point do you stop believing
in someone's potential and start accepting it who they are
right now?
Speaker 2 (29:17):
This might need to go to someone with a higher
degree than us. Want to say, why because it feels
like you know this, the conversation of wanting kids before
you get married is such an important decision for both
people to agree on, and it sounds like.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
It seems like they did. And then he changes mind.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Yeah, but which is not communicating that to her. He's
going to somebody else that he spends every day with
at work this information, And it's like the question I
would have is why do you feel so safe? Why
don't you feel safe sharing that with me as your partner?
Speaker 1 (29:59):
Yeah? I feel like these are things that are very
important to talk about before you get married, you know,
like being on the same page about those things is
like so crucial, even if it takes you longer, you
know what I mean? Like robb and I weren't always
necessarily on the same page about everything in terms of timing,
(30:19):
just because of our history and like our lives and
where we were at. But like we overly communicated our
expectations and what we wanted out of the relationship, and
when we finally got on the same page, that's when
we got engaged and like moved our relationship forward. So
I feel like having those conversations is super important. Also,
I don't know how old you are, but like you
(30:41):
can't kick the can forever, you know what I mean.
Like unfortunately, as women, we do have a biological clock
and like he's gotta get on the horse, if you
know what I'm saying, or vice versa.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Do you kick the can mean die?
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No? Kick the can means like you just kick it down,
like I'll do it later, I'll do it tomorrow, I'll
do it, and I will do it next y you.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
It also does mean die.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Oh, it means both. Oh what a double on tom.
Speaker 3 (31:06):
Kick the can down the road means to delay something
and then kick the can, So I.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
Meant kick the can down the road.
Speaker 3 (31:13):
Yeah, yeah, it's I mean, it's it's tough. I always think,
like when you get when you're in a long term
or serious relationship with someone, I think you have to
be you really have to be on the same page
on things like children and then like personal values. That's
something like Alison and I do not have the same
taste in music, or like there's so many things where
(31:35):
we are different on, but we are exactly aligned in
like you know, uh, the politics and where we are
in terms of starting a family and those kind of expectations.
And I think that's why a relationship works. You really
have to be locked in. And I think the fact
that she was so determined she said like, I know
(31:56):
I wanted kids, and he was like, kind of she says,
I he could see that future too.
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:03):
Same.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
I Also now there's this, Okay, so you have stalled
and we don't know where we land on having kids
or when that's going to happen. So there's that issue.
And now she has this trust issue with him confiding
and someone else, and it's like, how do you navigate
him going to work every day that.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
This person that would send me.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
All jerks aside. I really do think you should talk
to a couple therapists because I think you need to
decide what are the boundaries that work that are realistic,
because like, if this is a job that he loves
and is financially supporting, y'all, then he can't just quit
his job. But like, what does it look like moving forward?
Because on top of big life decisions, now you have
(32:46):
to consider him, you know, having an emotional affair.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
You Know what's interesting, though, is I always feel like,
because they're married, the stakes are higher, do you know
what I mean? Where if they weren't married, they were
together for thirteen years and he was having he was
playing these tricks, I'd be like, get out, yeah, move on.
But I'm like, the stakes are higher because they're married.
Speaker 2 (33:06):
But then I'm like, yeah, but there's no kids yet, right.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Well, maybe get out now. But then I like that
he apologized, took accountability, and says he's committed to repairing
our marriage. Like that is a huge thing. Imagine if
it was if he was just like, there's no problem
with those of them, a whole different story, we'd all
be like, get out. The fact that he did those
things makes me feel like he's not a bad guy.
(33:30):
He maybe made some bad choices.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
I think you talked to somebody, a professional, tell him
that's what you need to do?
Speaker 1 (33:38):
What fine?
Speaker 2 (33:40):
I just think it's I think it's helpful because I
don't want her to get into a place where she's
spirals and then the boundaries are confused or blurred and
they don't know what's okay, what's not okay? Do you
want to have kids like he He clearly doesn't feel
safe to talk to her about it. So having a
third party there to navigate the conversation, I just think
(34:02):
would be so helpful.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
Yeah, just to say what.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
You need to say, both of you. But I'm so sorry.
This is awful, really complicated and tough. We wish you
the best whatever that looks like.
Speaker 3 (34:16):
Yes, yes, I hope everything works out for you. Anonymous.
Speaker 1 (34:21):
I think we should wrap.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Let's do the last one.
Speaker 3 (34:23):
Yeah, I know. I think we should do one more
before we say goodbye. And I'm sorry we did. That
was a very heavy one. And this is another kind
of intense email. So I'm really sorry. This is from
Brooke Dear Becca Tanya Mark in Easton. I'm an avid
listener from South Carolina and I came upon this story
while scrolling social media. Had to read it to make
sure this was not Tanya Love a huge Tanya taught Brook.
(34:45):
Here's the article women arrested after driving over one hundred
miles per hour to watch Love Island. Tanya, were you
in Arizona recently?
Speaker 1 (34:55):
This was not me. You could have been, It could
have been, It could have been, But it was not me.
She was maybe season six, but not seasoning.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
No no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3 (35:06):
She's going one hundred and eight and a sixty five
mile prior zone. She was trying to get home fast
to watch Love Island, to make it home in time.
Speaker 5 (35:12):
You know.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
I do have to say though, now that Love Island
is bigger than it was before. I could watch Love
Island at my leisure. Now, if I don't watch it
the day it comes out, I'm getting spoilers on social media.
So I understand the speeding because the spoilers do be coming.
And even me, somebody like, if you don't watch it
at six pm on the nose, you're getting spoilers, Like
(35:35):
I watch them before I go to bed, so it's
like eight o'clock at night, and I've already seen like
some of the crotch stuff, you know, so.
Speaker 2 (35:42):
Broke crotch stuff, well, like the girth check.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
Yeah, the check. I'm seeing all this stuff on social media,
and I'm like, I don't want to see that. So
I understand the speeding.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Well, here's the thing though, it's it's a sometimes you're
speeding to rush home so you don't miss it, and
then you get pulled over and put you even further
back with a ticket.
Speaker 1 (36:01):
Yeah, that's true. It's never as no.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
If she got a ticket or not, that's the important part.
Did Love Island to get her out of the ticket?
I imagine no.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
I She was arrested and booked on charges of pel
speed and her vehicle was impounded for twenty days.
Speaker 2 (36:14):
Shes just a way, just drive the speed limit. It'll
be there when you get home. Okay, we will be.
We're leaving. We're done.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
Audios, audios.
Speaker 2 (36:28):
We love y'all so much. I love you a wonderful weekend.
Speaker 6 (36:32):
Bye.
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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