August 3, 2026 • 51 mins
The OTHER BFF has entered the O.R.! Ali Grant is filling in for Tanya and this new mom is getting into everything postpartum, and we mean EVERYTHING.
Ali opens up about how a psychic changed her mind about starting a family, we hear all the intimate details of what it took to get pregnant, and she shares the real story about the pregnancy sickness.
Plus, we get an update on the first year of life with Remy!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Trigger warning.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health,
postpartum depression, and trying to conceive.
Speaker 3 (00:06):
Scrubbing in with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and
People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing in.
That is an unfamiliar voice because Tanya is gallivanting around
Italy and scrubbing in with me today. Is my best
(00:27):
friend manager Randy. To my clin Ali Grant, Welcome, though,
I am so excited to be scrubbing in today. I'm
so happy that you're here because you were here. I'm
trying to think of when that was. Was that before
or after your wedding?
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Because so much has happened since you were last on
the podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I think it was right before my wedding. Oh it
was pre what I think it was? Or was it
two years ago? Yeah? A whole child since then, been
pregnant since I think it was before the wedding or
maybe like directly after. Yeah, it's a while, it's.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Been a while.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
And we did have a slight breakdown trying to get
her camera adjusted before this, and they had me seated
next to her and I was like, she is We're
not like Tanya, She's we need space, so we're like touching.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
We don't like I don't even really like looking at you,
to be honest, I'm just gonna stare at John podcast today. Yeah.
So we have a very it's like a very banter,
heavy friendship, which I love. I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I don't even know where to begin.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I feel like people have been wanting to have you
on the podcast because I think cute. I think that
you have recently been talking more about your experience of
you know, getting pregnant and then postpartum, and you were
kind of quiet for a while on socials, which people
are not used to because you just been posted yeah quiet.
(01:58):
I feel like we should start with wanting to have kids, Like,
wanting to have kids?
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Was that something that.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
You've I want you to talk about this too. Oh okay,
I talk about it on the podcast. If you were listening.
I listened to every episode, I like take notes right right? Yeah?
Yeah you forgot. I forgot that you've talked about that before. Yeah.
I mean I think I was like such an on
the fencer what you call it for so long. It's
(02:26):
like I would be around other people's kids and I'd
be like, I don't want this, this sounds horrible. I
love to sleep, like I'm like a sleeper like you,
like I need ten hours to feel good in the morning.
And I loved my life like I did, like I
was very comfortable, you know, like feeling really really good.
And I felt like the decision around having kids was
(02:46):
like a really big one for me. I was never
like a little girl that like dreamed of being a mommy,
you know, like I never had that. It was never
interesting to me. But the thing that I don't even
know if you know this, the thing that changed me
the most is that I saw a psychic at like
someone's party.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Do you know that, Oh you did tell me this?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Yeah yeah. And I was like I'm going to ask her,
like like I'm going to ask her if I should
have kids. And she was like she sat me down
and whatever, like felt my aura. She was like, you
have souls waiting for you, Ali woa, And I like
burst into tears, like when you hear it that way,
like you have souls waiting for you. It's like, I
(03:27):
don't know, it like shifted for me completely. And Remy
is like such my little soul. That was like meant
for me, like I really really do feel that way. Yeah,
but that was something that like helped me decide. But
I also read some books, some like op Eds. I Like,
I would go like rogue on my Instagram stories, be
like should I have kids? And like let people way
in and like I was like crowdsourcing a very very
(03:50):
personal decision. It's something that is so different for every
everyone person. Yeah, it's all circumstantial, right, Like it's all relative.
And my mom, like I've talked to you about this.
My mom would be like nah. Like I did not
have like a like parents being like when are you
having kids? Like my mom would be like, eh, nah,
you don't need kids. It's fine, They're not worth it.
(04:12):
So I never I just didn't have that pressure, which
I feel like a lot of women do like that,
like to have grandkids. Yeah yeah, it's like when did
my grandkids? And never had that question. But yeah, I
mean we ultimately just like decided and we were like,
let's do this. His identical twin got pregnant, and like
identical twins like have a thing where they all have
to like always do the same thing. So he was
(04:34):
like okay, now, like he was he was ready, like
mentally when I was like already kind of there and
then so we just tried. And then so you were
there before Carston was there. Yeah, like totally quietly maybe
like I did it because I didn't want to be
the one like let's have kids, and then like we
like regretted it or something, and then like I was
the one to blame, if that made sense, Like I
(04:54):
wanted him to come to that decision on his own,
and so I just was like yeah, like I kind
of was just like, yeah, I don't know, could go
either way. Like that was kind of like what I
would say to people and to him. So y'all got married, uh,
May twenty twenty four. Yeah, and then like that, when
did y'all Like when do you feel like but before
the wedding, had you felt like you wanted kids? Did
(05:16):
the psychic thing happened before your wedding or was it
after the psychic thing happened before by wedding? Yeah, I
went into like the wedding, wedding kids, but you were
pretty I feel like our conversations were very like cool
about it because I just like I don't know, I
like didn't I didn't also want to get like too
excited about the idea and then it be like I
(05:38):
really wanted my partner to be like all in on it,
right right, Like that's like it's such a fifty well
most of it's like only on the woman, but like
raising a kid as fifty to fifteen totally. So I
like I get I don't know, like probably like nearer
around the wedding is like when I was like you
locked in, I locked in. I was like, because remember
(05:58):
I stopped drinking. I kind of went on like my
health mode directly after that, so I like I had
like an inkling in the mind.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, but the drinking was for anxiety.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
I feel like initially stopped drinking because it was anxiety. Yeah,
that's like the whole thing. Yeah, drinking causes severe anxiety
for me, and I'm so glad I don't drink now,
Like I will have like a margarita and like be
on the floor.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yeah one hit wonder, might one might say full one
hit wonder when did y'all start trying?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Like what was the process of trying to conceive and everything?
Speaker 3 (06:33):
So you know me like I am so like everything
has to be planned and structured and I like need
to control.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
So tonya actually very y'all are so different, but y'all
are so similar in in.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
That way way. Yeah. Yeah, Like I'm Type A, but
I'm also like extremely type B. It's weird. I'm almost
like a mix of you, like IM don't call me
that though. When was it that we started to try?
Speaker 4 (07:04):
So?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
I got married in May. I got pregnant in November, yeah,
because we found out at Morgan's Morgan's wedding when I
was like three and a half weeks for I didn't
even miss my period yet. We use something called a nido,
which is like a like a like a tracker thing,
like it tells you when you're like being fertile or not.
(07:25):
So we use that from day one. I read this
book I forget the name of it. It's like some
fertility book I got on Amazon, and it like talked
about keeping your feet warm, to like getting acupuncture kind
of like holistic wellness to like get pregnant. And I
like really like took it all heart. So that's why
I like stopped caffeine, I stopped drinking, like I just
(07:46):
tried to like live this like very like cozy, warm, calm,
soft yeah life, and I feel like it's like an
interesting method, Like all of it kind of makes sense
and like acupuncture to me like really makes sense too.
So anyways, did all of that We tried once, so
we had sex once one day six marriage. No, Like
(08:09):
the amount of times you actually have to have sex
during trying to conceive is crazy, Like it's literally fourteen
days in a row, like you are like raw, like
it is like it is like what are you and
not to be like rude to Carson, but are you
enjoying it? Or is it like like business like it
is like get your ass over here and we're having
(08:30):
sex and like just laid out. It's not like it's
kind of I mean for other people maybe it is
like enjoyable thing, but it felt very like transactional, right,
like let's let's get this done right, and then you
have to have your feet up after. Like nothing about
it is like sensual or whatever. Although having an orgasm
for the woman I feel like really helps you conceive,
(08:53):
really is it fact? No, it's like it's told me that. No,
but just like think about like having an orgasm and
like what happens down there and like since it like
opens things up, you know, and then like the sperm, and.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
I don't have the experience personally, not experiencing.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I know. That's another thing that I feel strongly about,
is like the woman should have or try to have
an orgasm. So try to make it as pleasurable as
getting your micrator out if you need to. Yeah, yeah,
you know. Okay, so y'all had one sex. I was
trying to think. I think the first time we did it,
we did it like like it's like two days before
(09:35):
your ovulaty and then like ovulation day, and then like
three days after you ovulate, so it's like a matter
of a week. That's like your window and then whatever.
I like swore I was pregnant, but I wasn't, no,
because we were in Vegas. Yea, yeah is that? Yeah?
Remember I was like, I'm definitely I felt it, but
(09:59):
I wasn't. And and the reason I feel like I wasn't, well,
I'm sure there's a million reasons. The chances of getting
pregnant in any one session or whatever is really really low.
It's like fifteen or twenty percent. It's not crazy, and
like we're all grown up to like be like so
afraid of like getting pregnant. Twenty four to seven, like
it's I mean, obviously when you're like sixteen, it's easier,
but like it's kind of crazy how hard getting pregnant is.
(10:22):
But anyways, we use lube, and so lube I think
kills the sperm. Not. I think. I think it's like
a science thing that makes sense. I don't think you're
I know, you're not like talking about sperm that much.
I'm I'm a grown adult. I realize that. I realized
people are navigating lives with sperm. Yeah, there's a lot
(10:42):
that there is a lot of sperm floating around. So yeah,
we used lube, and you know that just that just
hurt the chances. Yeah, did not get pregnant. Second time
we did get pregnant. Wow, Yeah, were you I didn't
feel like, oh my god, even though you were trying
to feel like, oh my gosh. Yeah, but you kind
(11:02):
of are like wait what, Like you're like no, like
are you sure? Like Carson's like no, you're not, No,
You're not, no, You're not. Like I would show him
the strip and he'd be like no, I don't think.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
So I think this is sooner than I was.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yeah, well, I mean I've just like in my mind
like people tell you takes a year or more like
like that was what was kind of like in my mind.
So yeah, it was really quick, which I'm like, in
hindsight like very feel like very grateful and blessed, and
like the trying to conceive journey or era is like
very sensitive and delicate, and there's like so much emotion
(11:36):
that goes into it, including lots of heartbreak and excitement
and ups and downs, and so it's like, I know
also like my personality, I think I would have it
would have been really hard for me, really really hard
for me. And like you know number two if we
do go down there, like who knows what's going to happen.
But I feel very very blessed. And I do want
(11:56):
to say that and preface that because it's trying to
con see if it's it's and be very hard.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
And it's also there's so many there's so much information,
there's so much advice and you're hearing yeah, people.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
Say you should do this, you should do this, and
it feels it seems very overwhelming just from yeah, what
I've learned of you know, friends going through it. Yeah, yeah, no,
it's tough and there's and that's i think that there's
so much noise around, like pregnancy and labor and trying
to conceive, and like I think, like navigating that noise
is really difficult too. You have any like influencer or
(12:29):
whatever saying what they think is the right thing, Like
even me just sitting here talking about what I think
is right, Like, don't listen to me, like I'm an idiot,
Like I have a degree in journalism literally everything.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
You have to do your research, and you have to
do what is best for you and your your body
and your lifestyle realistically.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah, and be realistic about it.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, So you get pregnant, and let's talk about pregnancy
as well on a doozy for all.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Involved, Like, of course, my pregnancy was the way it
was right, like it It's funny because like labor was
really great and easy for me. Getting pregnant was really
easy for me. My pregnancy, like I didn't have complications,
but I was so sick, like so unwell, Like I
(13:14):
was bedridden for probably like three or four months, well,
definitely the first trimester. Yeah, and second it was up
to twenty six weeks. I was still throwing up and nauseous,
which is isn't that Like second end of second trimester.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
That's hard to say.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
I don't know, it's it's deep into the pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
So you you did go past the first trimester with
the nausea and all that.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Yes, where were you were?
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I just felt like you were always tired. I didn't
know you were still throwing me.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
I was tired, right. I would invite her just to
be like I just so she can say I invited her,
but I know she don't count her in. I missed
my birthday, I missed Christmas, like Thanksgiving, like literally every holiday.
I was just like so so bad it was. It
was so rough, and everyone be like, oh, thirteen weeks,
(14:04):
that's when like the what not seasickness whatever the hell
is called morning is basically worse than seats sickness. Morning
sickness will go away and you'll be fine. So was
like counting down, like and then it's like fourteen weeks
still here literally twenty six weeks. Whoa, yeah, I mean
I was like in sweats, didn't brush my hair like sick.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
You got some good picks, yeah, good selfies.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
It wasn't my best time. I mean I also, like,
I think you envision, like what you're going to be pregnant,
and it's like you like cute belly ow, like we're the.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
Sun dress thing that was gonna better everything we know.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I don't know. I don't know, and I'm always like
a weak human. So yeah, we're talking about she comes.
We would go on trips together and if we stayed
in the same room.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
She brought her own fan. It was a whole thing
of her item. She needed sell machine. She's an iPad kid,
so she.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
Fell delicious and delicate and like needy and like I
just have Yeah, And I think the thing with like
being pregnant is like you lose all control of your body.
Your body is literally not yours. And I think that
feeling is really intense, like emotionally and physically, and like,
I don't know, but we've had like so many like
close friends have just the most amazing pregnancies as well.
(15:17):
You're the only person I noticed they just like a like,
I just complain a lot, like that's a part of it. No,
because I think nausea and throwing up is miserable, Like
I don't think there's anything more miserable than that. And
I even if I have a night where I'm sick
for just the night and then I feel better the
next day.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I always go, I don't know how people do this
for months and months and months and months of no relief.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
I think that's the thing. Is like, yeah, like if
you like are really sick and like have diarrhy or whatever,
You're like, I'll be I'll be better in the morning.
But it's like no, it's like I don't know if
I want to be better in like three weeks from now. Yeah,
like there's no end in sight. So how'd you get
through it? Well? I tried zofran, which everyone was like,
try so it's like the best thing ever. It didn't work.
(16:03):
And then like I couldn't poop for like forty five
days because it constant fates you like crazy. It didn't work.
So that sucked because I was like I remember I
got the prescription and I like took it and I
was like, oh my gosh, and there was like one
hour later, I'm like, I am still super sick. Didn't
work for me at all. The only thing that worked
is I would take unison like the sleeping tablet at
(16:26):
night and then the next day would be like my
best day. Oh so my obgian said to do that
and it like was the only thing that worked for me.
And then just like the most like guardettos, Like I
would be like Carston go to seven eleven and like whatever,
eleven PM, I need guardettos. And it was only like
the little brown they have the bags of just the
brown ones. No is that new? No? How long have
(16:48):
they had that?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Ears?
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Of course I gave that. Damn I would be plucking
them out and yeah, you're pregnancy cravings were like my
daily No, we talked, Yeah, I would have like a Gatorade,
like just like really process grows stuff that I just
like normally wouldn't. And then I went into like a
fruit phase where like I had to have watermelon, oranges,
(17:10):
orange juice, pineapple, tomatoes, like I was obsessed with tomatoes.
I'd also make like bloody mary mix. I just chug
that down with salt. It's like it was weird. So,
(17:38):
during this time you're navigating getting through it, are you
thinking about giving birth?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Because I think a lot of people that is there.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
They love the idea of being a mom or you know,
a parent, but the idea of going through the process
of labor is so terrifying.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Were you thinking of that or did you think about that?
Speaker 3 (18:00):
No, I was like, weirdly never really terrified of it
because I think my pregnancy was so sick and like
unwell that I was like get him out and I
don't care how like I just was like I'm ready
to give birth. Yeah, Like I mean I would like
see stuff like on social media and like be like
a little freaked out and like for whatever reason, when
you're pregnant, like people want to tell you their birth stories,
(18:23):
and when they're like negative, I'm like shut up, like
what are you doing? Like it's really crazy or like
people's moms will be like my daughter was in labor
for seventy two hours and that emerge. I'm like, are
you good? Like why are you telling me this story?
It's it's a really odd just to get too prepared, Yeah,
you don't want to hear it. I think if like
for me, like I try not to, like, well, mine
(18:43):
was really positive, so I like say, but like I
think it's best just to be like, you know, it'll
be great, You'll be good, Like, don't tell your personal experience.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
So when when you can you tell the process of
when you went into labor?
Speaker 3 (18:55):
Yeah, so when okay, that was whatever middle of the night,
at like one am, I started getting like cramps.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
Like this was Tanya's birthday that you yes, because I
was like.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
You cannot have a baby on to I need at least.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
One day, yeah, which I think it's like one day.
So it was like one in the morning and I
was getting like cramps, and I thought I was just
having gas. I like, hit Carson. You know I'm a
gassy girl. So I hit Carson. I'm like, oh my god,
I'm like I'm having so much gas. He's like okay,
(19:33):
And I was like, I'm gonna have a bowl cereal
because that's gonna I know what will alleviate me.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Cereals.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
I don't know. I mean at the time, it's probably
like a puffins or something like that, or like the
peanut butter puppose.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Are so good for victory gas.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Really. Yeah, So got my bowl of cereal and I
was like really going away. And then I'm like I'm
not farking also, so so it's like I'm not like
this is weird. And I was like I'm gonna get
the contraction app out because I'm like I feel I
was what like two days away from my yeah, yeah,
du day you're doing the twenty first Yeah. Yeah. So
(20:12):
I was like, okay, this is probably it and it was,
and so started tracking the contractions. It went from like
zero to sixty like that, like it was like I'm
going to fart to like I'm on the ground. Whoa.
So I took and it's all a title for the podcast.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I'm on the Ground.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I had. Like, so this was like a Thursday whatever.
The next day, I had a blowout booked. My mom
was gonna help me do like my spray TND. I
think I was gonna get my nails done, like this
was my beauty day because I was going to blog
in the hospital like that was my moment. I was
gonna be taking all the footage and missed all of that.
(20:59):
I have insanely curly hair. I take a hot shower
while these like contractions are starting, so and then it
like and then I was like, okay, then I'll like
kind of blow dry my hair. My mom will help
me whatever, like I'll have time time like this all
just started. Like I said, it went from zero to sixty. So,
like I take my shower, I'm in the on the
ground in the shower, my mom and dad are in
(21:20):
an airbnb like next door. They all come over, they're
getting the car prepped. We didn't have the bags ready.
We were like like it was just it was all
like with Carson had like one too many IPAs the
night before. He was like because we all because I
was initially going to be induced that Monday because he
was so big, So we all kind of were like,
(21:41):
he's coming Monday, like that was the plan. Hair's wet.
Then we're like we gotta go. So I just like
pull on whatever. It wasn't my planned cute outfit, my
you know, my hair, like it was like Bahamas times
one thousand, Like I get to oh and I'm like
in the midst of all of this like collapsing, I'm like,
(22:02):
I need a snack. I'm like so like Sara, I
was like I need a snack. My dad and oh,
my dad the whole time like the content creator that
he is filming me. So I'm on the ground. He's
got his phone out like up in my face, like
when I've seen this mode like I can send a
(22:22):
deal and I'm like I'm like I don't know why.
I'm like getting all nasty towards everyone. We get in
the car, it's probably like two thirty ish or whatever.
So this whole thing is like an hour. It's like quick,
like because I thought I'd be like laboring at home
for a while before I go. Carson's like getting lost.
He like, we don't he doesn't know how to get
(22:42):
the cedars you Like, I'm like screaming at him. I
put Daisies on by Justin Bieber like that was my
song at the moment. I have my like birthing comb,
which is like this thing that you like squash. Have
you heard of one of this? No, Just like it's
just a wood comb and you're supposed to like hold
it and it like helps with like the pain because
(23:03):
it like puts pain when you put pain some of
it like whatever. So I'm doing that. The contractions are insane,
like a contraction pain is like no other like people
like you don't know unless you've been through it. Was
it like your Bahama's pain when I'm terrible. We almost
had to bet that was like a yeah, like ish
(23:27):
kind of similar, wow, similar, but like a million It
is like gas pain, but like forty million times worse.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
So I'm having like full blown contractions on the drive there.
I get there, so they don't admit you unless you're
like a certain amount dilated. And I was like, oh
my god, I bet I'm not like I'm gonna have
to like go to like what is that Beverly Center
and walk around. Probably doesn't even open. I don't know.
They like literally will turn you away. And I was like,
there's no way. I and so much pain I'll die.
I was seven centimeters dilated, like within like an hour.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
The ten is where your time to push that's coming out.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
It was crazy. It was so quick and I'm like
I need an epidural like scree like I was such
a mood. I was like such some not like being
that nice, like being so bossy to everyone, like you
know when I get that little like, oh my god.
It was like times ten. Carson's sick. He's like because
he's got like such bad nerves. He's like happening to
(24:24):
go to the bathroom like every like it was bad.
We were like a hot mess. I didn't get a
duel line.
Speaker 4 (24:30):
I'm picturing you how you imagine this calm blog with
your hair and your nails and your spray tan, and
like my hair started to dry.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
I have no product in it. It's like it's like
a crown of fur. Like it's like a mullet. No
makeup on.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Why doesn't yelling at everybody?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
I like, I don't even know what I'm like wearing
some like Amazon outfit, but it was, yeah, yelling at everyone.
And the parking in Cedars it is like in a dungeon,
and like he had to just leave me with like
the valet person and I'm like sitting there and I'm like, no,
(25:11):
to like go park the car. Oh yeah, because of
the valet people weren't like valeting at that time because
I was like middle of the night or whatever. So
he used to go to the park. I'm left with
this like guy and he's like, oh, are you okay.
I'm like, no, I'm not okay. I catch the baby
that comes out. Literally are you ready? Yeah? Literally? So anyways,
get rolled up, get into my room. So we had
(25:33):
done a tour and during this remember when I did
the hospital tour, Yeah, and I was like I hate
this hospital.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
It is wanted.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
I wanted it. Yeah, I wanted to sweet. I want
a suite at Cedars. Sign I was like fifteen thousand
dollars and they don't take insurance.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
So f yi, you see someone with the sweet.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
Unit, They've got real money. But I was like, no,
I want to switch hospitals because this place is like
it's not equipped to what I need, which is like crazy.
It's like one of the best hospitals like in the
United States, but they the tour they send you, they
don't let you look at the other rooms or they
let you look at the other rooms, but they put
you in this one room and like talk about all
(26:11):
like the gear and stuff. It is like smaller than that.
It is like a close like a broom closet, and
I'm like if I get this room, I'm gonna freak out,
Like there's my karma. We got that room. There's only
like one of those small rooms and the rest of
them have like these like huge windows with like you
can see like the Hollywood Hills and like all of
la not a single window room closet.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Like there's only one.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
There's like not very limited and like the majority, and
I'm like, they like wheel me in this. I'm like
I'm not no, Like I'm not no, I'm not going
to be in here. But I was like in so
much pain that I was like, but I need my
up and they're like, you would have to like wait
like a day to get the other one, and that's
not happening. I was like, fine, so I'm in this room,
which again is like so me because you know, it's
like I complain, like probably no one else complaints, and
(26:58):
I know they literally probably being so I'm nasty that
they're on room calls. This bitch needs the room. And
epidural came in like forty five minutes after that, and
the feeling from no epidural to epidural. I don't get
why people would not do, Like, what do you think
(27:19):
the like logic is behind. I think there's risks, like yeah,
I mean I think there's risk if they hit your
spinel cord or something. You know, oh, if you're Pregnanty,
you did not hear that, You're like, well, I wanted
to do it.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
I'm just saying people reason.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
I think that's super rare. I think that's I'm just
saying it's rare.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
But I think if people have anxiety about complications, but
I agree. I've heard like my sister has had five
kids and.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
She loved she loves giving birth because she loves the epidural.
She just loves that she's just like in blissible. I
mean it's in like not instantly, it takes it. I
don't know, like twenty thirty minutes before it starts like
fully kicking in. But it's like this like warmth that
like takes over your body and like all the pain
has gone and the contractions come and go. I literally
(28:09):
had to be like, was that a contraction? Like you
don't so what do you feel pressure or kind of
just like a little like maybe tiny like like period cramp.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Wow, So can sorry.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
If you're pregnant and you're already scared, but can I
ask if the epidural hurts? Because really no, I was
so like people could be like, oh, it's like a
needle that's like a foot long. I mean it is.
It was like a pinch, like literally like a shot.
Like I guess by the time you're asking for an epidural,
you're experiencing such intense pain. I think that too. It's
like you're going into it like with like your pain
(28:41):
threshold is probably like adjusted because you're like, holy crap,
But no, it didn't hurt at all. It's like the
comb Yeah you're fling, yeah yeah, yeah, literally it's just
like a little pinch and then yeah, you like what's weird.
And I didn't really realize is you can't use like
you you don't feel your legs. Yeah, because the numbs
(29:02):
down there. Yeah, And I think that would be like
a big reason I'm not wanting to get it because
it does then slow down labor because you're not able
to likely feel and control, so it's like you're like
kind of wobbly down there.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
That's the only thing was a little weird. So you
gave birth in the broom closet and the broom closet,
and I felt like for you that was in terms
of the pregnancy and everything was the easiest.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
I like, I love the labor, Like I like it
was so empowering. It felt like, I don't know, it
was like magical to me. Wow, I really enjoyed it.
Like it was really really hard, really taxing. I pushed
for like two and a half hours. He was a
nine pound baby. Son was a big boy. That's a
big boy.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
I was ready to come.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Second degree tear, okay, which is like normal, it's like average.
I think there's four levels. I want to know how
to mid range stitch right up yeah, and yeah really
like uncomplicated and simple.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Well, I as your friend.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
I and we have like such a funny relationship, like
we're so close, we're like literally like sisters and how
we talk and banter, and I like burst into tears
when Carson texted me, you did did you tell me what?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
It was so emotional. He just said she, you know,
she did it, and it was He was like, I'm
so proud of her. She was amazing. It was really
it was really really sweet.
Speaker 3 (30:34):
But I remember that feeling of being like, oh my gosh,
she she did it, because I felt like everything was
the Pretnancy was so hard that I was like, good god,
yeah those labors going to be a doucy Yeah, and
you were just such a boss and handled it and.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Nasty to everybody leading up.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Made it happen.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
Well.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
I was like as soon as the epidural hit, I
was so sweet. I was like, you look like Sydney Sweeney.
I was like, you're so beautiful, Like I was like
almost like high and like this girl. And they were like, Cary, Wow,
that's really emotional. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
It was cool because you're my first, like I would say,
my first best friend, the person closest to me outside
of like my family that has gone through that. And also,
I mean I lived with my sister at one point
when she had her kids, but in a long time,
the person that I'm so close with, you're the first
person that's gone through that.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
So yeah, it's also nerve wracking because such a big.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Deal and you know, you want it to go well
and to be for it to be like a positive experience,
and so it was really emotional. But I want to
get into what happened after you had Remy.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
Well, I mean I was good, I was great for
a while there. Would you say the first Yeah, but
I will say the first like a few months, you know,
you were just the adjustment to.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Life not being what it was forever.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Yeah, it was an adjustment. My sleep was gone. I
mean even had a night nurse and like, I didn't
sleep that well.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Because you're still having to you were breastfeeding, so you're
still yeah you're woken up.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Yeah yeah, Carson slept well, but.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Your mother in law son slept exactly.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Yeah. I mean it's like, okay, you like are given
this baby, you've never had a baby. You come home
and you're like, what the hell, Like what do you
do with him? Like literally, I'm like I don't know,
Like you can't like all the books you read and
the youtubes you watch, like nothing will prepare you for
like bringing home your own baby and having to keep
(32:46):
him alive. Like it's it's really intense. And he was
like an angry little fella. He was like he came
into this world angry. I always say with him, was
like he didn't like being a newborn. He was like,
I want to be a toddler. Like he's like, I'm not.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
He wanted to skip that Yeah, he wanted to skip
that day.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
So he was angry about it.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
So that getting Garnettos and puffin cozy, I know, it.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
Was just like what yeah, yeah, I mean it's like
you're you've got a wound down there. You're like totally
busted from giving birth. Your hormones, like the hormone drop
is like insane, Like you're sweating, you smell like it's
like it's just so much stuff is going on, and
then you got to take care of this baby. Like
(33:32):
it's like a huge adjustment. And I think you like
go from like your normal life and like doing whatever
you want to, like just like this newborn bubble where
you're like at home all day every day, not sleeping.
It's like weird and like it was also like really
hot in La at that time. I think it was
like kind of how it is now. So like we
couldn't really go outside either, so I was literally house bound.
(33:55):
He hated the stroller, he hated the car seat, so
likely go anywhere. So nothing felt like old life. Nothing
felt normal, And I think in hindsight, I wish I
just like surrendered, Like I wish I was just like
this is where I'm at right now, and I am
going to accept it because I he's only this little
for this long, right, But I think I was fighting
(34:18):
it the whole time. I was like, Okay, let's like,
why isn't he doing this? Why is he like, let's
taking me it like I should.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Have just y'all are very like on the go.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
I love being at home and resting, so I feel
like that, but no more bubble would be a breeze
for me personally. Yeah, but y'all are very like on
the go, so actually being confined to the house is daunting,
I imagine. Yeah, And it's just like you don't know
what you're doing you know, it's like, Okay, he's screaming.
(34:45):
Why is he screaming? Does he need a pass? He?
Does he need a bottle? Does he need a breath? Like?
What does he need? I think that, and like I
think cars. Every time he cried, it was like what
am I doing wrong? Yeah, like you're kind of like
you know what I mean? And breastfeeding was like he
latched initially all that, but as you know, rest feeding
kind of led to my well before we.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
Got to that.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
I remember going over and you were you were saying
the feeling you had was almost like the feeling of
being homesick.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
Oh my god. Yeah, that was kind of like the
I don't remember when was that maybe like two months
post part.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
I was gonna say maybe a month or to two months.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
Yeah, you were like, how are you doing? And I
think I was like, you start crying? Yeah, it was
the first time I think I saw you ever cry.
I'm not a ever, but I'm not a cry You're
not a crier. Yeah, And we like even if something sad,
we like laughed through it. It's probably unhealthy, but it's
how we do it. And so I was kind of like, oh,
like this is serious. You know this is like a
moment of yeah, like real raw you know, and being
(35:44):
And I also think you know, you see social media
and it's so I mean, I do think there's so
much beauty and like joy in that new phase, but
it is like such a raw thing that just watching
you go through it, and I only know through what
I know of other people, but it seems so jarring,
the lifestyle change and the hormones and everything that comes
(36:08):
with it. So I think hearing you say that, I
was like, oh, this is my best friend who's like
this is real. Yeah, I think I answered. I think
you're like, how you doing? I cry and I'm like
I feel homesick. It's like that feeling like when you
go sleepover at a friend's house when you're little, and
like all you want is to go home, yes and
see your mom. I saw this quote recently that was
(36:29):
like the first time like looking at yourself, like post birth.
You look in the mirror and you're like, I'm so
like messed up and hurt and in pain and like
I need my mom, And then you realize you are
the mom. Whoa yeah, And it's like it's just like
this shift that's like really crazy I do think, like
(36:49):
when I like kind of broke down to you that
it was the start of my postpartum depression. Yeah. Yeah,
(37:13):
so I do feel like that was a start, and
that was around two months. And then when I have
a memory of it, which you can correct me if
I'm wrong, was we were at my birthday dinner, so
October thirtieth, Yeah, and we were both having a hard time,
Like I had my own stuff going on, and we
were both crying, and You're like, I'm having a really hard.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
Time and I was like me too, like you what's
going on?
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Yeah, and you were just having a hard time with
it was breastfeeding that you could label.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
Yeah, at the moment, that's like kind of what I
was labeling it as I think it started with like
and first of all, this is like three months postpartum,
kind of like when it started like getting bad, Like
I kind of thought I was in the clear, you know,
like when you hear about postpartum depression, you hear it
happening like immediately after birth or pretty close to it.
(38:00):
Three months, I was like, I guess I didn't get
any like I'm good, Like, you know, there's a few things,
but I just like chalked it up to being like
you know, lack of sleep or whatever. So I think
there needs to be more education around the fact that
postpart and depression can have to happen up to a
year postpartum or even more. Well, so if you don't
if you keep pushing it down or don't take care
(38:21):
of it that too, it can just yeah, be right,
but it can like be and get worse or it
can emerge. Yeah, So I think it was. It kind
of started with like kind of just like some moodiness
that I was noticing, like kind of like luteal phase vibes,
like you know when you're like I'm about to start
my period and I'm just like a nasty little witch.
(38:43):
Like That's how I was noticing that towards like my husband,
my mother in law, like my parents, like just like
a little nasty the nastiness and re emerged again, and
then I would like get weird about like people wearing
shoes and like very obsessed over him, like germs and
(39:04):
people holding him. And then EMFs. I like read something
on Instagram about EMFs, like on electronic magnet whatever that
you know what an EMF is. It's like this stuff
that like like a Wi Fi router puts out or
like a cell I'm like moving the Wi Fi routers
around his nan it. I'm like, you can't have the nant.
(39:25):
Like I'm like this is weird, Like this is a
little bit odd odd behavior. So just like little things
like that that would kind of like almost like obsess
over like little OCD. And I think that was just
like the start of like a hormone fluctuation. And I
was starting like the the depression was starting the depressive episode,
(39:48):
and then it I went to your party, I was
like crying the whole time. Eventually, I think like after that,
didn't sleep probably five days straight, like did not sleep
a wink baby sleeping. I'm not sleeping like it It
like went really it went from like again like my
labor like zero to sixty yeah, very quickly, and I
(40:10):
was like WHOA, something's wrong and what's weird. In the
very beginning, I think you would come over. I'm like
I'm not good. I text you like I'm not good.
We over and we go and we go on a walk,
and it like something shifted. I was like completely fine,
Like it came in like a wave. It was so
weird and I felt good for like twenty four hours
after that, and then I don't think I felt good.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
I was gonna say we had a time where I came.
You were like can you come over? And we went
on a walk and we talked it out, and I
remember you texting you were like, thank you for coming.
I feel so much better. And then I feel like
not the next day. But the next day it.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
Was like bad, bad, really really bad, and just kept
getting worse. So I got connected with the psychiatrist, a therapist.
They put me on medicine wasn't working. I mean it
got like really critical really quickly, Like I mean deep
dark thoughts, like the most horrible things you can imagine.
(41:07):
Like I was thinking about myself and like it was
really really really scary, like just beyond for myself orone
around me, and I felt like I had like no
control over it whatsoever. I was so deeply depressed.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
Well, I've always seen when people talk about postpartum depression
that it's it's kind of associated with baby blues and
kind of the thing that you had at the beginning,
which was like, oh my life has changed and there's
like this new thing. But yours was very different from
anything I had read about or you know seen Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
It wasn't very like textbook I would say, like I was.
It was almost this like feeling of just like it
wasn't good enough, wasn't good enough, like for my family,
for Remy, for like anyone like I was just like
a bad mom, like breastfeeding failure like and ultimately what happened,
I was weaning breastfeeding. So I dropped my breasts feeding
(42:01):
over the night, in the middle of the night, and
that puts you in like a weaning state. And no
one told me this, but when you wean, like the
hormone shift is almost as great as the shift that
happens would you give birth whoa, So it is another massive,
massive hormone shift. So and for a lot of women
(42:21):
it can it could be the start of like PPA
or PPD. And for me that was my trigger. It
was the weaning. So like the oxytocin and the hormones
from breastfeeding, they like oscillate and they go crazy when
you when you wean, and sometimes your your mind can't
handle that. And that was what was happening to me.
And I was so obsessed with continuing to breastfeed Remy.
(42:44):
I couldn't stop. And finally I went to a breastfeeding doctor,
not like a lactation consultant, but a doctor, and she's like,
you need to stop. She's like you're done, Like put
the boob away, get the bobby out. Yeah, Like that's
what needs to happen. And I, I mean, my depressive
(43:04):
episode started. It wasn't until like six seven weeks later
that this woman told me that, this doctor told me this.
A week after that, I was fine. So like for me,
like actually stopping allowed my hormones and my body to adjust,
and so it was like the dragging it out I
think was like the biggest.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
Mistake because you were wanting to You were wanting to
pre him to have breast milk like obsessively to the
point obsessively.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
Like it was like I can't stop.
Speaker 3 (43:32):
Yeah, I was like I can't. He has to. Like
I was like, so like formula is like the best
thing ever, Like a fed baby is a happy baby, right,
like no matter how you do it, And like that's
what bugs me so much about like what's on the
internet and what people say and like the opinions around that.
It's just like it is like I wish i'd just
put my phone in like the trash at that time, right, Like,
(43:52):
it was just I was like on Reddit form forums,
like looking like what does breastfeeding do? What does formula do?
Like I was just like it information overloads so much
noise that I just did not need. And he loves Bobby.
Bobby's great, he's a Bobby.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
The thing is he's a big boy.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
So I was like, there's no way your body can
keep up with what he wants. Like it's just and
it wasn't a failure, but I get.
Speaker 3 (44:16):
It because you're like, wait, I should be able to
do this because he's my baby, But yeah, he was.
I'd come around hold him and feed him and I'd
be like he's done, and you're like, I want I
don't know anymore, no more. Yeah. He would eat like
for forty five minutes. Every forty five minutes. Yeah, so
it was like he was sucking me dry. I had
to pup. I was triple feeding basically. So it was
(44:37):
I just I wish I had just like done the
formula like Comba fed from the beginning, put less stress
on myself.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
Yeah, but who knows, like you know, its hindsight though,
I mean, especially when you're doing something for the first time,
you know.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Yeah, people talk about having a first.
Speaker 3 (44:50):
Child and then they do everything, try to do everything
by the book, and then they have the second one,
they're like, uh, yeah, you know, because that's just life life.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
So you, I will say as your friend, it was
it was.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
Really hard to watch you go through that because it
would be, you know, checking in how are you doing today,
and it was just like, not good. There was no
life in your which even though it's over text, but
it's just it was so not you. And I would
just text Carson or he called me and he'd like
I took her phone away because you were obsessive about
(45:26):
researching things, and.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
It was it was really.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
I'm just so happy that you're on the other side
of it, because it was it was so unexpected because
you we thought just like you thought, I was like, oh,
she's crushing not even she's totally fine. And then I
remember when I saw you and and walked in that
one day and you were just like started crying.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
It was so unfamiliar to me and trying to.
Speaker 2 (45:57):
Be there for you, and a lot of people ask
me like how how did you want people to be
there for you during that.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Yeah. I think that's a good question. I think even
though I wasn't super responsive, like the check ins and
the calls and the like, stoppings to the house like
those really went a long way. And I think if
you have a friend dealing with depression, severe depression, whatever,
it might be like reaching out even though they might
(46:26):
not be responsive, like there's a chance of reading it
and that it is helping them. So I every little text,
every little thing, like even though I couldn't give very much,
it really really really helped me. Yeah, And I think
that's important to note because you kind of more. I
think at one point I feel like I'm talking to
a wall. I was, but I was like, I'll keep
(46:47):
doing it.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Yeah, I'll keep checking in because you know, I don't
want you to feel alone, even though I knew you
had your parents in Carson and Paana. But I we
had a someone right in last week and they were
saying their friend hadn't visited them since they gave birth
like months ago, and they lived like forty minutes apart.
(47:09):
And I was shocked because I thought, oh my gosh,
I even if it was like hey, I can come
help do laundry, I can come sit with you. I
can hold the baby while you go shower whatever, or
just watch the baby if you don't want them holding it.
And some people were like, the last thing I wanted
was anyone to come over and be there with me
during that time. So I was curious about your take
on that of during postpartum or during like post partners
(47:30):
just like having a baby.
Speaker 1 (47:31):
But I guess both.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
Yeah, I think because you kind of like you're we're
the same that we like solitude.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
I'm good, Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
Yeah, over please. I think in that moment, like come over,
hold the baby so I can go shower, or you
hold the baby and all, you know, go do the
dishes for you or something like. I think that is
really nice and like helpful. But I also get at
the same time just like leave me alone and like
(47:59):
send me some Postmates or something, you know, Like I
think it's like, again, you're going through this like hormone waves.
It's kind of like what you want in the moment. Yeah,
but I think too, like realizing, like you know, I
had friend or I had a baby later in life,
like got pregnant thirty six, had them at thirty seven,
Like a lot of my friends from college and stuff
like had babies like ten years ago, almost when they
(48:22):
were in their like twenties, and I realized, like I
was such a bad friend to them because like I
didn't know what to do and I hadn't gone through it.
And I'm like, oh my god, Like I could have
set up like a meal chain or like sent them
food or like just been like so much more thoughtful
about it. And it's like, unless you've like been through it,
you kind of don't know what you need. I guess,
(48:43):
you know. It's like it sent some like onesies or something,
but I'm like that's not what a new mom wants,
you know, Like I don't know. I have the idea
of sending like post it, like just being like, hey,
here's a gift card, so your dinner's on me and
taking off that stress. Yeah, because I think there's ways,
especially now with apps and technology, that you can show
up without physically showing up. Yeah, that's true, which is
(49:05):
so you for your brand.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
I was just trying to figure it out with you.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
And that's the thing too that I like have to
like and like I worked through that through therapy. Is
like you know, I I when all of this like
got better. I was like, the thing that's still like
in the back of my mind is like the pain
I caused the people around me, you know, like when
I went through this, what do you mean, like just
it was really scary, Like it was really dark and
(49:33):
like I wasn't you know myself. Like it's like a
lot of people around me spent a lot of time
being really worried me, and I I carried guilt about that.
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Really, yeah, you should.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
Let go of that because, as you know, I mean,
I think I think it was a way specifically, I
think also for Carston to show up, because your body
had been through so much and your mind and it
was like it was his moment to like step up
and be the partner and like dad, and obviously she and.
Speaker 1 (50:03):
He totally did.
Speaker 3 (50:04):
He went beyond.
Speaker 2 (50:05):
He went beyond and he I don't think you expect
like something that serious to happen so soon after first
of all, marriage, you know, because it's like in sickness
and in health, and that's those are the moments where
that your person shows up. And same with your parents
and Parsons, Mom, Pam, like everyone came to show up
(50:25):
for you. And I think if anything, it's a testament
to who you are that people were like determined to
walk with you through.
Speaker 1 (50:32):
It as opposed to being like good luck.
Speaker 3 (50:35):
Yeah, you know so, I think it's a good way
to reframe it. Becca, thank you. I'm a podcaster and
an advice giver. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (50:48):
I want to talk about.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
Coming out on the other side and motherhood and all
the things. And I think this is going to be
the end of part one and we're going to have
a part two episode.
Speaker 3 (50:59):
Oh yeah, okay, we'll be back, okay on Thursday. On Thursday,
well it's Thursday's episode, but we're recording it now. We'll
be back on Thursday.
Speaker 1 (51:09):
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3 (51:11):
We love you. By
Trigger warning.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health,
postpartum depression, and trying to conceive.
Speaker 3 (00:06):
Scrubbing in with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and
People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing in.
That is an unfamiliar voice because Tanya is gallivanting around
Italy and scrubbing in with me today. Is my best
(00:27):
friend manager Randy. To my clin Ali Grant, Welcome, though,
I am so excited to be scrubbing in today. I'm
so happy that you're here because you were here. I'm
trying to think of when that was. Was that before
or after your wedding?
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Because so much has happened since you were last on
the podcast.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
I think it was right before my wedding. Oh it
was pre what I think it was? Or was it
two years ago? Yeah? A whole child since then, been
pregnant since I think it was before the wedding or
maybe like directly after. Yeah, it's a while, it's.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Been a while.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
And we did have a slight breakdown trying to get
her camera adjusted before this, and they had me seated
next to her and I was like, she is We're
not like Tanya, She's we need space, so we're like touching.
Speaker 3 (01:18):
We don't like I don't even really like looking at you,
to be honest, I'm just gonna stare at John podcast today. Yeah.
So we have a very it's like a very banter,
heavy friendship, which I love. I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
I don't even know where to begin.
Speaker 3 (01:35):
I feel like people have been wanting to have you
on the podcast because I think cute. I think that
you have recently been talking more about your experience of
you know, getting pregnant and then postpartum, and you were
kind of quiet for a while on socials, which people
are not used to because you just been posted yeah quiet.
(01:58):
I feel like we should start with wanting to have kids, Like,
wanting to have kids?
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Was that something that.
Speaker 3 (02:04):
You've I want you to talk about this too. Oh okay,
I talk about it on the podcast. If you were listening.
I listened to every episode, I like take notes right right? Yeah?
Yeah you forgot. I forgot that you've talked about that before. Yeah.
I mean I think I was like such an on
the fencer what you call it for so long. It's
(02:26):
like I would be around other people's kids and I'd
be like, I don't want this, this sounds horrible. I
love to sleep, like I'm like a sleeper like you,
like I need ten hours to feel good in the morning.
And I loved my life like I did, like I
was very comfortable, you know, like feeling really really good.
And I felt like the decision around having kids was
(02:46):
like a really big one for me. I was never
like a little girl that like dreamed of being a mommy,
you know, like I never had that. It was never
interesting to me. But the thing that I don't even
know if you know this, the thing that changed me
the most is that I saw a psychic at like
someone's party.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Do you know that, Oh you did tell me this?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Yeah yeah. And I was like I'm going to ask her,
like like I'm going to ask her if I should
have kids. And she was like she sat me down
and whatever, like felt my aura. She was like, you
have souls waiting for you, Ali woa, And I like
burst into tears, like when you hear it that way,
like you have souls waiting for you. It's like, I
(03:27):
don't know, it like shifted for me completely. And Remy
is like such my little soul. That was like meant
for me, like I really really do feel that way. Yeah,
but that was something that like helped me decide. But
I also read some books, some like op Eds. I Like,
I would go like rogue on my Instagram stories, be
like should I have kids? And like let people way
in and like I was like crowdsourcing a very very
(03:50):
personal decision. It's something that is so different for every
everyone person. Yeah, it's all circumstantial, right, Like it's all relative.
And my mom, like I've talked to you about this.
My mom would be like nah. Like I did not
have like a like parents being like when are you
having kids? Like my mom would be like, eh, nah,
you don't need kids. It's fine, They're not worth it.
(04:12):
So I never I just didn't have that pressure, which
I feel like a lot of women do like that,
like to have grandkids. Yeah yeah, it's like when did
my grandkids? And never had that question. But yeah, I
mean we ultimately just like decided and we were like,
let's do this. His identical twin got pregnant, and like
identical twins like have a thing where they all have
to like always do the same thing. So he was
(04:34):
like okay, now, like he was he was ready, like
mentally when I was like already kind of there and
then so we just tried. And then so you were
there before Carston was there. Yeah, like totally quietly maybe
like I did it because I didn't want to be
the one like let's have kids, and then like we
like regretted it or something, and then like I was
the one to blame, if that made sense, Like I
(04:54):
wanted him to come to that decision on his own,
and so I just was like yeah, like I kind
of was just like, yeah, I don't know, could go
either way. Like that was kind of like what I
would say to people and to him. So y'all got married, uh,
May twenty twenty four. Yeah, and then like that, when
did y'all Like when do you feel like but before
the wedding, had you felt like you wanted kids? Did
(05:16):
the psychic thing happened before your wedding or was it
after the psychic thing happened before by wedding? Yeah, I
went into like the wedding, wedding kids, but you were
pretty I feel like our conversations were very like cool
about it because I just like I don't know, I
like didn't I didn't also want to get like too
excited about the idea and then it be like I
(05:38):
really wanted my partner to be like all in on it,
right right, Like that's like it's such a fifty well
most of it's like only on the woman, but like
raising a kid as fifty to fifteen totally. So I
like I get I don't know, like probably like nearer
around the wedding is like when I was like you
locked in, I locked in. I was like, because remember
(05:58):
I stopped drinking. I kind of went on like my
health mode directly after that, so I like I had
like an inkling in the mind.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Yeah, but the drinking was for anxiety.
Speaker 3 (06:11):
I feel like initially stopped drinking because it was anxiety. Yeah,
that's like the whole thing. Yeah, drinking causes severe anxiety
for me, and I'm so glad I don't drink now,
Like I will have like a margarita and like be
on the floor.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Yeah one hit wonder, might one might say full one
hit wonder when did y'all start trying?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Like what was the process of trying to conceive and everything?
Speaker 3 (06:33):
So you know me like I am so like everything
has to be planned and structured and I like need
to control.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
So tonya actually very y'all are so different, but y'all
are so similar in in.
Speaker 3 (06:44):
That way way. Yeah. Yeah, Like I'm Type A, but
I'm also like extremely type B. It's weird. I'm almost
like a mix of you, like IM don't call me
that though. When was it that we started to try?
Speaker 4 (07:04):
So?
Speaker 3 (07:04):
I got married in May. I got pregnant in November, yeah,
because we found out at Morgan's Morgan's wedding when I
was like three and a half weeks for I didn't
even miss my period yet. We use something called a nido,
which is like a like a like a tracker thing,
like it tells you when you're like being fertile or not.
(07:25):
So we use that from day one. I read this
book I forget the name of it. It's like some
fertility book I got on Amazon, and it like talked
about keeping your feet warm, to like getting acupuncture kind
of like holistic wellness to like get pregnant. And I
like really like took it all heart. So that's why
I like stopped caffeine, I stopped drinking, like I just
(07:46):
tried to like live this like very like cozy, warm, calm,
soft yeah life, and I feel like it's like an
interesting method, Like all of it kind of makes sense
and like acupuncture to me like really makes sense too.
So anyways, did all of that We tried once, so
we had sex once one day six marriage. No, Like
(08:09):
the amount of times you actually have to have sex
during trying to conceive is crazy, Like it's literally fourteen
days in a row, like you are like raw, like
it is like it is like what are you and
not to be like rude to Carson, but are you
enjoying it? Or is it like like business like it
is like get your ass over here and we're having
(08:30):
sex and like just laid out. It's not like it's
kind of I mean for other people maybe it is
like enjoyable thing, but it felt very like transactional, right,
like let's let's get this done right, and then you
have to have your feet up after. Like nothing about
it is like sensual or whatever. Although having an orgasm
for the woman I feel like really helps you conceive,
(08:53):
really is it fact? No, it's like it's told me that. No,
but just like think about like having an orgasm and
like what happens down there and like since it like
opens things up, you know, and then like the sperm, and.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
I don't have the experience personally, not experiencing.
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I know. That's another thing that I feel strongly about,
is like the woman should have or try to have
an orgasm. So try to make it as pleasurable as
getting your micrator out if you need to. Yeah, yeah,
you know. Okay, so y'all had one sex. I was
trying to think. I think the first time we did it,
we did it like like it's like two days before
(09:35):
your ovulaty and then like ovulation day, and then like
three days after you ovulate, so it's like a matter
of a week. That's like your window and then whatever.
I like swore I was pregnant, but I wasn't, no,
because we were in Vegas. Yea, yeah is that? Yeah?
Remember I was like, I'm definitely I felt it, but
(09:59):
I wasn't. And and the reason I feel like I wasn't, well,
I'm sure there's a million reasons. The chances of getting
pregnant in any one session or whatever is really really low.
It's like fifteen or twenty percent. It's not crazy, and
like we're all grown up to like be like so
afraid of like getting pregnant. Twenty four to seven, like
it's I mean, obviously when you're like sixteen, it's easier,
but like it's kind of crazy how hard getting pregnant is.
(10:22):
But anyways, we use lube, and so lube I think
kills the sperm. Not. I think. I think it's like
a science thing that makes sense. I don't think you're
I know, you're not like talking about sperm that much.
I'm I'm a grown adult. I realize that. I realized
people are navigating lives with sperm. Yeah, there's a lot
(10:42):
that there is a lot of sperm floating around. So yeah,
we used lube, and you know that just that just
hurt the chances. Yeah, did not get pregnant. Second time
we did get pregnant. Wow, Yeah, were you I didn't
feel like, oh my god, even though you were trying
to feel like, oh my gosh. Yeah, but you kind
(11:02):
of are like wait what, Like you're like no, like
are you sure? Like Carson's like no, you're not, No,
You're not, no, You're not. Like I would show him
the strip and he'd be like no, I don't think.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
So I think this is sooner than I was.
Speaker 3 (11:14):
Yeah, well, I mean I've just like in my mind
like people tell you takes a year or more like
like that was what was kind of like in my mind.
So yeah, it was really quick, which I'm like, in
hindsight like very feel like very grateful and blessed, and
like the trying to conceive journey or era is like
very sensitive and delicate, and there's like so much emotion
(11:36):
that goes into it, including lots of heartbreak and excitement
and ups and downs, and so it's like, I know
also like my personality, I think I would have it
would have been really hard for me, really really hard
for me. And like you know number two if we
do go down there, like who knows what's going to happen.
But I feel very very blessed. And I do want
(11:56):
to say that and preface that because it's trying to
con see if it's it's and be very hard.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
And it's also there's so many there's so much information,
there's so much advice and you're hearing yeah, people.
Speaker 3 (12:06):
Say you should do this, you should do this, and
it feels it seems very overwhelming just from yeah, what
I've learned of you know, friends going through it. Yeah, yeah, no,
it's tough and there's and that's i think that there's
so much noise around, like pregnancy and labor and trying
to conceive, and like I think, like navigating that noise
is really difficult too. You have any like influencer or
(12:29):
whatever saying what they think is the right thing, Like
even me just sitting here talking about what I think
is right, Like, don't listen to me, like I'm an idiot,
Like I have a degree in journalism literally everything.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
You have to do your research, and you have to
do what is best for you and your your body
and your lifestyle realistically.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah, and be realistic about it.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, So you get pregnant, and let's talk about pregnancy
as well on a doozy for all.
Speaker 3 (12:53):
Involved, Like, of course, my pregnancy was the way it
was right, like it It's funny because like labor was
really great and easy for me. Getting pregnant was really
easy for me. My pregnancy, like I didn't have complications,
but I was so sick, like so unwell, Like I
(13:14):
was bedridden for probably like three or four months, well,
definitely the first trimester. Yeah, and second it was up
to twenty six weeks. I was still throwing up and nauseous,
which is isn't that Like second end of second trimester.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
That's hard to say.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
I don't know, it's it's deep into the pregnancy.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
So you you did go past the first trimester with
the nausea and all that.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Yes, where were you were?
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I just felt like you were always tired. I didn't
know you were still throwing me.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
I was tired, right. I would invite her just to
be like I just so she can say I invited her,
but I know she don't count her in. I missed
my birthday, I missed Christmas, like Thanksgiving, like literally every holiday.
I was just like so so bad it was. It
was so rough, and everyone be like, oh, thirteen weeks,
(14:04):
that's when like the what not seasickness whatever the hell
is called morning is basically worse than seats sickness. Morning
sickness will go away and you'll be fine. So was
like counting down, like and then it's like fourteen weeks
still here literally twenty six weeks. Whoa, yeah, I mean
I was like in sweats, didn't brush my hair like sick.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
You got some good picks, yeah, good selfies.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
It wasn't my best time. I mean I also, like,
I think you envision, like what you're going to be pregnant,
and it's like you like cute belly ow, like we're the.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
Sun dress thing that was gonna better everything we know.
Speaker 3 (14:38):
I don't know. I don't know, and I'm always like
a weak human. So yeah, we're talking about she comes.
We would go on trips together and if we stayed
in the same room.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
She brought her own fan. It was a whole thing
of her item. She needed sell machine. She's an iPad kid,
so she.
Speaker 3 (14:54):
Fell delicious and delicate and like needy and like I
just have Yeah, And I think the thing with like
being pregnant is like you lose all control of your body.
Your body is literally not yours. And I think that
feeling is really intense, like emotionally and physically, and like,
I don't know, but we've had like so many like
close friends have just the most amazing pregnancies as well.
(15:17):
You're the only person I noticed they just like a like,
I just complain a lot, like that's a part of it. No,
because I think nausea and throwing up is miserable, Like
I don't think there's anything more miserable than that. And
I even if I have a night where I'm sick
for just the night and then I feel better the
next day.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
I always go, I don't know how people do this
for months and months and months and months of no relief.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
I think that's the thing. Is like, yeah, like if
you like are really sick and like have diarrhy or whatever,
You're like, I'll be I'll be better in the morning.
But it's like no, it's like I don't know if
I want to be better in like three weeks from now. Yeah,
like there's no end in sight. So how'd you get
through it? Well? I tried zofran, which everyone was like,
try so it's like the best thing ever. It didn't work.
(16:03):
And then like I couldn't poop for like forty five
days because it constant fates you like crazy. It didn't work.
So that sucked because I was like I remember I
got the prescription and I like took it and I
was like, oh my gosh, and there was like one
hour later, I'm like, I am still super sick. Didn't
work for me at all. The only thing that worked
is I would take unison like the sleeping tablet at
(16:26):
night and then the next day would be like my
best day. Oh so my obgian said to do that
and it like was the only thing that worked for me.
And then just like the most like guardettos, Like I
would be like Carston go to seven eleven and like whatever,
eleven PM, I need guardettos. And it was only like
the little brown they have the bags of just the
brown ones. No is that new? No? How long have
(16:48):
they had that?
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Ears?
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Of course I gave that. Damn I would be plucking
them out and yeah, you're pregnancy cravings were like my
daily No, we talked, Yeah, I would have like a Gatorade,
like just like really process grows stuff that I just
like normally wouldn't. And then I went into like a
fruit phase where like I had to have watermelon, oranges,
(17:10):
orange juice, pineapple, tomatoes, like I was obsessed with tomatoes.
I'd also make like bloody mary mix. I just chug
that down with salt. It's like it was weird. So,
(17:38):
during this time you're navigating getting through it, are you
thinking about giving birth?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Because I think a lot of people that is there.
Speaker 3 (17:48):
They love the idea of being a mom or you know,
a parent, but the idea of going through the process
of labor is so terrifying.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Were you thinking of that or did you think about that?
Speaker 3 (18:00):
No, I was like, weirdly never really terrified of it
because I think my pregnancy was so sick and like
unwell that I was like get him out and I
don't care how like I just was like I'm ready
to give birth. Yeah, Like I mean I would like
see stuff like on social media and like be like
a little freaked out and like for whatever reason, when
you're pregnant, like people want to tell you their birth stories,
(18:23):
and when they're like negative, I'm like shut up, like
what are you doing? Like it's really crazy or like
people's moms will be like my daughter was in labor
for seventy two hours and that emerge. I'm like, are
you good? Like why are you telling me this story?
It's it's a really odd just to get too prepared, Yeah,
you don't want to hear it. I think if like
for me, like I try not to, like, well, mine
(18:43):
was really positive, so I like say, but like I
think it's best just to be like, you know, it'll
be great, You'll be good, Like, don't tell your personal experience.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
So when when you can you tell the process of
when you went into labor?
Speaker 3 (18:55):
Yeah, so when okay, that was whatever middle of the night,
at like one am, I started getting like cramps.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
Like this was Tanya's birthday that you yes, because I
was like.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
You cannot have a baby on to I need at least.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
One day, yeah, which I think it's like one day.
So it was like one in the morning and I
was getting like cramps, and I thought I was just
having gas. I like, hit Carson. You know I'm a
gassy girl. So I hit Carson. I'm like, oh my god,
I'm like I'm having so much gas. He's like okay,
(19:33):
And I was like, I'm gonna have a bowl cereal
because that's gonna I know what will alleviate me.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Cereals.
Speaker 3 (19:43):
I don't know. I mean at the time, it's probably
like a puffins or something like that, or like the
peanut butter puppose.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Are so good for victory gas.
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Really. Yeah, So got my bowl of cereal and I
was like really going away. And then I'm like I'm
not farking also, so so it's like I'm not like
this is weird. And I was like I'm gonna get
the contraction app out because I'm like I feel I
was what like two days away from my yeah, yeah,
du day you're doing the twenty first Yeah. Yeah. So
(20:12):
I was like, okay, this is probably it and it was,
and so started tracking the contractions. It went from like
zero to sixty like that, like it was like I'm
going to fart to like I'm on the ground. Whoa.
So I took and it's all a title for the podcast.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
I'm on the Ground.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I had. Like, so this was like a Thursday whatever.
The next day, I had a blowout booked. My mom
was gonna help me do like my spray TND. I
think I was gonna get my nails done, like this
was my beauty day because I was going to blog
in the hospital like that was my moment. I was
gonna be taking all the footage and missed all of that.
(20:59):
I have insanely curly hair. I take a hot shower
while these like contractions are starting, so and then it
like and then I was like, okay, then I'll like
kind of blow dry my hair. My mom will help
me whatever, like I'll have time time like this all
just started. Like I said, it went from zero to sixty. So,
like I take my shower, I'm in the on the
ground in the shower, my mom and dad are in
(21:20):
an airbnb like next door. They all come over, they're
getting the car prepped. We didn't have the bags ready.
We were like like it was just it was all
like with Carson had like one too many IPAs the
night before. He was like because we all because I
was initially going to be induced that Monday because he
was so big, So we all kind of were like,
(21:41):
he's coming Monday, like that was the plan. Hair's wet.
Then we're like we gotta go. So I just like
pull on whatever. It wasn't my planned cute outfit, my
you know, my hair, like it was like Bahamas times
one thousand, Like I get to oh and I'm like
in the midst of all of this like collapsing, I'm like,
(22:02):
I need a snack. I'm like so like Sara, I
was like I need a snack. My dad and oh,
my dad the whole time like the content creator that
he is filming me. So I'm on the ground. He's
got his phone out like up in my face, like
when I've seen this mode like I can send a
(22:22):
deal and I'm like I'm like I don't know why.
I'm like getting all nasty towards everyone. We get in
the car, it's probably like two thirty ish or whatever.
So this whole thing is like an hour. It's like quick,
like because I thought I'd be like laboring at home
for a while before I go. Carson's like getting lost.
He like, we don't he doesn't know how to get
(22:42):
the cedars you Like, I'm like screaming at him. I
put Daisies on by Justin Bieber like that was my
song at the moment. I have my like birthing comb,
which is like this thing that you like squash. Have
you heard of one of this? No, Just like it's
just a wood comb and you're supposed to like hold
it and it like helps with like the pain because
(23:03):
it like puts pain when you put pain some of
it like whatever. So I'm doing that. The contractions are insane,
like a contraction pain is like no other like people
like you don't know unless you've been through it. Was
it like your Bahama's pain when I'm terrible. We almost
had to bet that was like a yeah, like ish
(23:27):
kind of similar, wow, similar, but like a million It
is like gas pain, but like forty million times worse.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
So I'm having like full blown contractions on the drive there.
I get there, so they don't admit you unless you're
like a certain amount dilated. And I was like, oh
my god, I bet I'm not like I'm gonna have
to like go to like what is that Beverly Center
and walk around. Probably doesn't even open. I don't know.
They like literally will turn you away. And I was like,
there's no way. I and so much pain I'll die.
I was seven centimeters dilated, like within like an hour.
Speaker 1 (23:58):
The ten is where your time to push that's coming out.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
It was crazy. It was so quick and I'm like
I need an epidural like scree like I was such
a mood. I was like such some not like being
that nice, like being so bossy to everyone, like you
know when I get that little like, oh my god.
It was like times ten. Carson's sick. He's like because
he's got like such bad nerves. He's like happening to
(24:24):
go to the bathroom like every like it was bad.
We were like a hot mess. I didn't get a
duel line.
Speaker 4 (24:30):
I'm picturing you how you imagine this calm blog with
your hair and your nails and your spray tan, and
like my hair started to dry.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
I have no product in it. It's like it's like
a crown of fur. Like it's like a mullet. No
makeup on.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Why doesn't yelling at everybody?
Speaker 3 (24:51):
I like, I don't even know what I'm like wearing
some like Amazon outfit, but it was, yeah, yelling at everyone.
And the parking in Cedars it is like in a dungeon,
and like he had to just leave me with like
the valet person and I'm like sitting there and I'm like, no,
(25:11):
to like go park the car. Oh yeah, because of
the valet people weren't like valeting at that time because
I was like middle of the night or whatever. So
he used to go to the park. I'm left with
this like guy and he's like, oh, are you okay.
I'm like, no, I'm not okay. I catch the baby
that comes out. Literally are you ready? Yeah? Literally? So anyways,
get rolled up, get into my room. So we had
(25:33):
done a tour and during this remember when I did
the hospital tour, Yeah, and I was like I hate
this hospital.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
It is wanted.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
I wanted it. Yeah, I wanted to sweet. I want
a suite at Cedars. Sign I was like fifteen thousand
dollars and they don't take insurance.
Speaker 1 (25:47):
So f yi, you see someone with the sweet.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
Unit, They've got real money. But I was like, no,
I want to switch hospitals because this place is like
it's not equipped to what I need, which is like crazy.
It's like one of the best hospitals like in the
United States, but they the tour they send you, they
don't let you look at the other rooms or they
let you look at the other rooms, but they put
you in this one room and like talk about all
(26:11):
like the gear and stuff. It is like smaller than that.
It is like a close like a broom closet, and
I'm like if I get this room, I'm gonna freak out,
Like there's my karma. We got that room. There's only
like one of those small rooms and the rest of
them have like these like huge windows with like you
can see like the Hollywood Hills and like all of
la not a single window room closet.
Speaker 1 (26:34):
Like there's only one.
Speaker 3 (26:36):
There's like not very limited and like the majority, and
I'm like, they like wheel me in this. I'm like
I'm not no, Like I'm not no, I'm not going
to be in here. But I was like in so
much pain that I was like, but I need my
up and they're like, you would have to like wait
like a day to get the other one, and that's
not happening. I was like, fine, so I'm in this room,
which again is like so me because you know, it's
like I complain, like probably no one else complaints, and
(26:58):
I know they literally probably being so I'm nasty that
they're on room calls. This bitch needs the room. And
epidural came in like forty five minutes after that, and
the feeling from no epidural to epidural. I don't get
why people would not do, Like, what do you think
(27:19):
the like logic is behind. I think there's risks, like yeah,
I mean I think there's risk if they hit your
spinel cord or something. You know, oh, if you're Pregnanty,
you did not hear that, You're like, well, I wanted
to do it.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
I'm just saying people reason.
Speaker 3 (27:36):
I think that's super rare. I think that's I'm just
saying it's rare.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
But I think if people have anxiety about complications, but
I agree. I've heard like my sister has had five
kids and.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
She loved she loves giving birth because she loves the epidural.
She just loves that she's just like in blissible. I
mean it's in like not instantly, it takes it. I
don't know, like twenty thirty minutes before it starts like
fully kicking in. But it's like this like warmth that
like takes over your body and like all the pain
has gone and the contractions come and go. I literally
(28:09):
had to be like, was that a contraction? Like you
don't so what do you feel pressure or kind of
just like a little like maybe tiny like like period cramp.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Wow, So can sorry.
Speaker 3 (28:21):
If you're pregnant and you're already scared, but can I
ask if the epidural hurts? Because really no, I was
so like people could be like, oh, it's like a
needle that's like a foot long. I mean it is.
It was like a pinch, like literally like a shot.
Like I guess by the time you're asking for an epidural,
you're experiencing such intense pain. I think that too. It's
like you're going into it like with like your pain
(28:41):
threshold is probably like adjusted because you're like, holy crap,
But no, it didn't hurt at all. It's like the
comb Yeah you're fling, yeah yeah, yeah, literally it's just
like a little pinch and then yeah, you like what's weird.
And I didn't really realize is you can't use like
you you don't feel your legs. Yeah, because the numbs
(29:02):
down there. Yeah, And I think that would be like
a big reason I'm not wanting to get it because
it does then slow down labor because you're not able
to likely feel and control, so it's like you're like
kind of wobbly down there.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
That's the only thing was a little weird. So you
gave birth in the broom closet and the broom closet,
and I felt like for you that was in terms
of the pregnancy and everything was the easiest.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
I like, I love the labor, Like I like it
was so empowering. It felt like, I don't know, it
was like magical to me. Wow, I really enjoyed it.
Like it was really really hard, really taxing. I pushed
for like two and a half hours. He was a
nine pound baby. Son was a big boy. That's a
big boy.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
I was ready to come.
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Second degree tear, okay, which is like normal, it's like average.
I think there's four levels. I want to know how
to mid range stitch right up yeah, and yeah really
like uncomplicated and simple.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Well, I as your friend.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
I and we have like such a funny relationship, like
we're so close, we're like literally like sisters and how
we talk and banter, and I like burst into tears
when Carson texted me, you did did you tell me what?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
It was so emotional. He just said she, you know,
she did it, and it was He was like, I'm
so proud of her. She was amazing. It was really
it was really really sweet.
Speaker 3 (30:34):
But I remember that feeling of being like, oh my gosh,
she she did it, because I felt like everything was
the Pretnancy was so hard that I was like, good god,
yeah those labors going to be a doucy Yeah, and
you were just such a boss and handled it and.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Nasty to everybody leading up.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
Made it happen.
Speaker 4 (30:53):
Well.
Speaker 3 (30:53):
I was like as soon as the epidural hit, I
was so sweet. I was like, you look like Sydney Sweeney.
I was like, you're so beautiful, Like I was like
almost like high and like this girl. And they were like, Cary, Wow,
that's really emotional. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:10):
It was cool because you're my first, like I would say,
my first best friend, the person closest to me outside
of like my family that has gone through that. And also,
I mean I lived with my sister at one point
when she had her kids, but in a long time,
the person that I'm so close with, you're the first
person that's gone through that.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
So yeah, it's also nerve wracking because such a big.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
Deal and you know, you want it to go well
and to be for it to be like a positive experience,
and so it was really emotional. But I want to
get into what happened after you had Remy.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
Well, I mean I was good, I was great for
a while there. Would you say the first Yeah, but
I will say the first like a few months, you know,
you were just the adjustment to.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
Life not being what it was forever.
Speaker 3 (32:02):
Yeah, it was an adjustment. My sleep was gone. I
mean even had a night nurse and like, I didn't
sleep that well.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Because you're still having to you were breastfeeding, so you're
still yeah you're woken up.
Speaker 3 (32:17):
Yeah yeah, Carson slept well, but.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Your mother in law son slept exactly.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Yeah. I mean it's like, okay, you like are given
this baby, you've never had a baby. You come home
and you're like, what the hell, Like what do you
do with him? Like literally, I'm like I don't know,
Like you can't like all the books you read and
the youtubes you watch, like nothing will prepare you for
like bringing home your own baby and having to keep
(32:46):
him alive. Like it's it's really intense. And he was
like an angry little fella. He was like he came
into this world angry. I always say with him, was
like he didn't like being a newborn. He was like,
I want to be a toddler. Like he's like, I'm not.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
He wanted to skip that Yeah, he wanted to skip
that day.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
So he was angry about it.
Speaker 1 (33:07):
So that getting Garnettos and puffin cozy, I know, it.
Speaker 3 (33:12):
Was just like what yeah, yeah, I mean it's like
you're you've got a wound down there. You're like totally
busted from giving birth. Your hormones, like the hormone drop
is like insane, Like you're sweating, you smell like it's
like it's just so much stuff is going on, and
then you got to take care of this baby. Like
(33:32):
it's like a huge adjustment. And I think you like
go from like your normal life and like doing whatever
you want to, like just like this newborn bubble where
you're like at home all day every day, not sleeping.
It's like weird and like it was also like really
hot in La at that time. I think it was
like kind of how it is now. So like we
couldn't really go outside either, so I was literally house bound.
(33:55):
He hated the stroller, he hated the car seat, so
likely go anywhere. So nothing felt like old life. Nothing
felt normal, And I think in hindsight, I wish I
just like surrendered, Like I wish I was just like
this is where I'm at right now, and I am
going to accept it because I he's only this little
for this long, right, But I think I was fighting
(34:18):
it the whole time. I was like, Okay, let's like,
why isn't he doing this? Why is he like, let's
taking me it like I should.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
Have just y'all are very like on the go.
Speaker 3 (34:25):
I love being at home and resting, so I feel
like that, but no more bubble would be a breeze
for me personally. Yeah, but y'all are very like on
the go, so actually being confined to the house is daunting,
I imagine. Yeah, And it's just like you don't know
what you're doing you know, it's like, Okay, he's screaming.
(34:45):
Why is he screaming? Does he need a pass? He?
Does he need a bottle? Does he need a breath? Like?
What does he need? I think that, and like I
think cars. Every time he cried, it was like what
am I doing wrong? Yeah, like you're kind of like
you know what I mean? And breastfeeding was like he
latched initially all that, but as you know, rest feeding
kind of led to my well before we.
Speaker 1 (35:06):
Got to that.
Speaker 2 (35:07):
I remember going over and you were you were saying
the feeling you had was almost like the feeling of
being homesick.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
Oh my god. Yeah, that was kind of like the
I don't remember when was that maybe like two months
post part.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
I was gonna say maybe a month or to two months.
Speaker 3 (35:21):
Yeah, you were like, how are you doing? And I
think I was like, you start crying? Yeah, it was
the first time I think I saw you ever cry.
I'm not a ever, but I'm not a cry You're
not a crier. Yeah, And we like even if something sad,
we like laughed through it. It's probably unhealthy, but it's
how we do it. And so I was kind of like, oh,
like this is serious. You know this is like a
moment of yeah, like real raw you know, and being
(35:44):
And I also think you know, you see social media
and it's so I mean, I do think there's so
much beauty and like joy in that new phase, but
it is like such a raw thing that just watching
you go through it, and I only know through what
I know of other people, but it seems so jarring,
the lifestyle change and the hormones and everything that comes
(36:08):
with it. So I think hearing you say that, I
was like, oh, this is my best friend who's like
this is real. Yeah, I think I answered. I think
you're like, how you doing? I cry and I'm like
I feel homesick. It's like that feeling like when you
go sleepover at a friend's house when you're little, and
like all you want is to go home, yes and
see your mom. I saw this quote recently that was
(36:29):
like the first time like looking at yourself, like post birth.
You look in the mirror and you're like, I'm so
like messed up and hurt and in pain and like
I need my mom, And then you realize you are
the mom. Whoa yeah, And it's like it's just like
this shift that's like really crazy I do think, like
(36:49):
when I like kind of broke down to you that
it was the start of my postpartum depression. Yeah. Yeah,
(37:13):
so I do feel like that was a start, and
that was around two months. And then when I have
a memory of it, which you can correct me if
I'm wrong, was we were at my birthday dinner, so
October thirtieth, Yeah, and we were both having a hard time,
Like I had my own stuff going on, and we
were both crying, and You're like, I'm having a really hard.
Speaker 1 (37:31):
Time and I was like me too, like you what's
going on?
Speaker 2 (37:34):
Yeah, and you were just having a hard time with
it was breastfeeding that you could label.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
Yeah, at the moment, that's like kind of what I
was labeling it as I think it started with like
and first of all, this is like three months postpartum,
kind of like when it started like getting bad, Like
I kind of thought I was in the clear, you know,
like when you hear about postpartum depression, you hear it
happening like immediately after birth or pretty close to it.
(38:00):
Three months, I was like, I guess I didn't get
any like I'm good, Like, you know, there's a few things,
but I just like chalked it up to being like
you know, lack of sleep or whatever. So I think
there needs to be more education around the fact that
postpart and depression can have to happen up to a
year postpartum or even more. Well, so if you don't
if you keep pushing it down or don't take care
(38:21):
of it that too, it can just yeah, be right,
but it can like be and get worse or it
can emerge. Yeah, So I think it was. It kind
of started with like kind of just like some moodiness
that I was noticing, like kind of like luteal phase vibes,
like you know when you're like I'm about to start
my period and I'm just like a nasty little witch.
(38:43):
Like That's how I was noticing that towards like my husband,
my mother in law, like my parents, like just like
a little nasty the nastiness and re emerged again, and
then I would like get weird about like people wearing
shoes and like very obsessed over him, like germs and
(39:04):
people holding him. And then EMFs. I like read something
on Instagram about EMFs, like on electronic magnet whatever that
you know what an EMF is. It's like this stuff
that like like a Wi Fi router puts out or
like a cell I'm like moving the Wi Fi routers
around his nan it. I'm like, you can't have the nant.
(39:25):
Like I'm like this is weird, Like this is a
little bit odd odd behavior. So just like little things
like that that would kind of like almost like obsess
over like little OCD. And I think that was just
like the start of like a hormone fluctuation. And I
was starting like the the depression was starting the depressive episode,
(39:48):
and then it I went to your party, I was
like crying the whole time. Eventually, I think like after that,
didn't sleep probably five days straight, like did not sleep
a wink baby sleeping. I'm not sleeping like it It
like went really it went from like again like my
labor like zero to sixty yeah, very quickly, and I
(40:10):
was like WHOA, something's wrong and what's weird. In the
very beginning, I think you would come over. I'm like
I'm not good. I text you like I'm not good.
We over and we go and we go on a walk,
and it like something shifted. I was like completely fine,
Like it came in like a wave. It was so
weird and I felt good for like twenty four hours
after that, and then I don't think I felt good.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
I was gonna say we had a time where I came.
You were like can you come over? And we went
on a walk and we talked it out, and I
remember you texting you were like, thank you for coming.
I feel so much better. And then I feel like
not the next day. But the next day it.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
Was like bad, bad, really really bad, and just kept
getting worse. So I got connected with the psychiatrist, a therapist.
They put me on medicine wasn't working. I mean it
got like really critical really quickly, Like I mean deep
dark thoughts, like the most horrible things you can imagine.
(41:07):
Like I was thinking about myself and like it was
really really really scary, like just beyond for myself orone
around me, and I felt like I had like no
control over it whatsoever. I was so deeply depressed.
Speaker 2 (41:24):
Well, I've always seen when people talk about postpartum depression
that it's it's kind of associated with baby blues and
kind of the thing that you had at the beginning,
which was like, oh my life has changed and there's
like this new thing. But yours was very different from
anything I had read about or you know seen Yeah.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
It wasn't very like textbook I would say, like I was.
It was almost this like feeling of just like it
wasn't good enough, wasn't good enough, like for my family,
for Remy, for like anyone like I was just like
a bad mom, like breastfeeding failure like and ultimately what happened,
I was weaning breastfeeding. So I dropped my breasts feeding
(42:01):
over the night, in the middle of the night, and
that puts you in like a weaning state. And no
one told me this, but when you wean, like the
hormone shift is almost as great as the shift that
happens would you give birth whoa, So it is another massive,
massive hormone shift. So and for a lot of women
(42:21):
it can it could be the start of like PPA
or PPD. And for me that was my trigger. It
was the weaning. So like the oxytocin and the hormones
from breastfeeding, they like oscillate and they go crazy when
you when you wean, and sometimes your your mind can't
handle that. And that was what was happening to me.
And I was so obsessed with continuing to breastfeed Remy.
(42:44):
I couldn't stop. And finally I went to a breastfeeding doctor,
not like a lactation consultant, but a doctor, and she's like,
you need to stop. She's like you're done, Like put
the boob away, get the bobby out. Yeah, Like that's
what needs to happen. And I, I mean, my depressive
(43:04):
episode started. It wasn't until like six seven weeks later
that this woman told me that, this doctor told me this.
A week after that, I was fine. So like for me,
like actually stopping allowed my hormones and my body to adjust,
and so it was like the dragging it out I
think was like the biggest.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
Mistake because you were wanting to You were wanting to
pre him to have breast milk like obsessively to the
point obsessively.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
Like it was like I can't stop.
Speaker 3 (43:32):
Yeah, I was like I can't. He has to. Like
I was like, so like formula is like the best
thing ever, Like a fed baby is a happy baby, right,
like no matter how you do it, And like that's
what bugs me so much about like what's on the
internet and what people say and like the opinions around that.
It's just like it is like I wish i'd just
put my phone in like the trash at that time, right, Like,
(43:52):
it was just I was like on Reddit form forums,
like looking like what does breastfeeding do? What does formula do?
Like I was just like it information overloads so much
noise that I just did not need. And he loves Bobby.
Bobby's great, he's a Bobby.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
The thing is he's a big boy.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
So I was like, there's no way your body can
keep up with what he wants. Like it's just and
it wasn't a failure, but I get.
Speaker 3 (44:16):
It because you're like, wait, I should be able to
do this because he's my baby, But yeah, he was.
I'd come around hold him and feed him and I'd
be like he's done, and you're like, I want I
don't know anymore, no more. Yeah. He would eat like
for forty five minutes. Every forty five minutes. Yeah, so
it was like he was sucking me dry. I had
to pup. I was triple feeding basically. So it was
(44:37):
I just I wish I had just like done the
formula like Comba fed from the beginning, put less stress
on myself.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
Yeah, but who knows, like you know, its hindsight though,
I mean, especially when you're doing something for the first time,
you know.
Speaker 1 (44:48):
Yeah, people talk about having a first.
Speaker 3 (44:50):
Child and then they do everything, try to do everything
by the book, and then they have the second one,
they're like, uh, yeah, you know, because that's just life life.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
So you, I will say as your friend, it was
it was.
Speaker 2 (45:04):
Really hard to watch you go through that because it
would be, you know, checking in how are you doing today,
and it was just like, not good. There was no
life in your which even though it's over text, but
it's just it was so not you. And I would
just text Carson or he called me and he'd like
I took her phone away because you were obsessive about
(45:26):
researching things, and.
Speaker 1 (45:29):
It was it was really.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
I'm just so happy that you're on the other side
of it, because it was it was so unexpected because
you we thought just like you thought, I was like, oh,
she's crushing not even she's totally fine. And then I
remember when I saw you and and walked in that
one day and you were just like started crying.
Speaker 1 (45:54):
It was so unfamiliar to me and trying to.
Speaker 2 (45:57):
Be there for you, and a lot of people ask
me like how how did you want people to be
there for you during that.
Speaker 3 (46:03):
Yeah. I think that's a good question. I think even
though I wasn't super responsive, like the check ins and
the calls and the like, stoppings to the house like
those really went a long way. And I think if
you have a friend dealing with depression, severe depression, whatever,
it might be like reaching out even though they might
(46:26):
not be responsive, like there's a chance of reading it
and that it is helping them. So I every little text,
every little thing, like even though I couldn't give very much,
it really really really helped me. Yeah, And I think
that's important to note because you kind of more. I
think at one point I feel like I'm talking to
a wall. I was, but I was like, I'll keep
(46:47):
doing it.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Yeah, I'll keep checking in because you know, I don't
want you to feel alone, even though I knew you
had your parents in Carson and Paana. But I we
had a someone right in last week and they were
saying their friend hadn't visited them since they gave birth
like months ago, and they lived like forty minutes apart.
(47:09):
And I was shocked because I thought, oh my gosh,
I even if it was like hey, I can come
help do laundry, I can come sit with you. I
can hold the baby while you go shower whatever, or
just watch the baby if you don't want them holding it.
And some people were like, the last thing I wanted
was anyone to come over and be there with me
during that time. So I was curious about your take
on that of during postpartum or during like post partners
(47:30):
just like having a baby.
Speaker 1 (47:31):
But I guess both.
Speaker 2 (47:33):
Yeah, I think because you kind of like you're we're
the same that we like solitude.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
I'm good, Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 3 (47:39):
Yeah, over please. I think in that moment, like come over,
hold the baby so I can go shower, or you
hold the baby and all, you know, go do the
dishes for you or something like. I think that is
really nice and like helpful. But I also get at
the same time just like leave me alone and like
(47:59):
send me some Postmates or something, you know, Like I
think it's like, again, you're going through this like hormone waves.
It's kind of like what you want in the moment. Yeah,
but I think too, like realizing, like you know, I
had friend or I had a baby later in life,
like got pregnant thirty six, had them at thirty seven,
Like a lot of my friends from college and stuff
like had babies like ten years ago, almost when they
(48:22):
were in their like twenties, and I realized, like I
was such a bad friend to them because like I
didn't know what to do and I hadn't gone through it.
And I'm like, oh my god, Like I could have
set up like a meal chain or like sent them
food or like just been like so much more thoughtful
about it. And it's like, unless you've like been through it,
you kind of don't know what you need. I guess,
(48:43):
you know. It's like it sent some like onesies or something,
but I'm like that's not what a new mom wants,
you know, Like I don't know. I have the idea
of sending like post it, like just being like, hey,
here's a gift card, so your dinner's on me and
taking off that stress. Yeah, because I think there's ways,
especially now with apps and technology, that you can show
up without physically showing up. Yeah, that's true, which is
(49:05):
so you for your brand.
Speaker 1 (49:08):
I was just trying to figure it out with you.
Speaker 3 (49:11):
And that's the thing too that I like have to
like and like I worked through that through therapy. Is
like you know, I I when all of this like
got better. I was like, the thing that's still like
in the back of my mind is like the pain
I caused the people around me, you know, like when
I went through this, what do you mean, like just
it was really scary, Like it was really dark and
(49:33):
like I wasn't you know myself. Like it's like a
lot of people around me spent a lot of time
being really worried me, and I I carried guilt about that.
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Really, yeah, you should.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
Let go of that because, as you know, I mean,
I think I think it was a way specifically, I
think also for Carston to show up, because your body
had been through so much and your mind and it
was like it was his moment to like step up
and be the partner and like dad, and obviously she and.
Speaker 1 (50:03):
He totally did.
Speaker 3 (50:04):
He went beyond.
Speaker 2 (50:05):
He went beyond and he I don't think you expect
like something that serious to happen so soon after first
of all, marriage, you know, because it's like in sickness
and in health, and that's those are the moments where
that your person shows up. And same with your parents
and Parsons, Mom, Pam, like everyone came to show up
(50:25):
for you. And I think if anything, it's a testament
to who you are that people were like determined to
walk with you through.
Speaker 1 (50:32):
It as opposed to being like good luck.
Speaker 3 (50:35):
Yeah, you know so, I think it's a good way
to reframe it. Becca, thank you. I'm a podcaster and
an advice giver. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (50:48):
I want to talk about.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
Coming out on the other side and motherhood and all
the things. And I think this is going to be
the end of part one and we're going to have
a part two episode.
Speaker 3 (50:59):
Oh yeah, okay, we'll be back, okay on Thursday. On Thursday,
well it's Thursday's episode, but we're recording it now. We'll
be back on Thursday.
Speaker 1 (51:09):
Yeah, okay.
Speaker 3 (51:11):
We love you. By
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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