August 6, 2026 • 55 mins
Becca’s hang with Ali Grant continues with a raw and real talk about pregnancy, postpartum depression, and other issues facing women across the country.
Ali gets vulnerable and shares the emotional and physical challenges she faced after giving birth, and we find out what she did to feel like she was “home” again.
Plus, Ali gets too honest about what it’s like working with Becca!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Trigger warning.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health,
postpartum depression, and trying to conceive.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Scrubbing In with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and
People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello everybody, We're back with
scrubbing In. We are scrubbing, We are scrubbing in. Great job.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
This is Part two with Ali because we talked for
so long the first episode that I was like, we
just need to split it up and have a part
two because we.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Have so much to talk about.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Because we talked about, you know, getting pregnant, giving birth, labor,
and then when you get talked about your postpartum depression
and going through that. So you spent what was it
you said, seven weeks?
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Like the whole episode? What your postpartum depression? I thought
even the episode of the podcast not Everything is a
podcast by guy went in in my mind episodes or
TV and podcast, So you just like I was like, bro, No,
my depressive episode was like nine weeks, ten weeks. Yeah,
(01:08):
do you want to talk about like how I fixed it? Well, yeah,
that's what I'm saying. So you're you're going through it.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
They're like, hey, you're You're obsessively trying to figure out
what's going on to the point where Carson's taking your
phone away from you.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
You know. I was like on Reddit, formulas, formulas, forums, formulas,
I was like on chat GPT, like I extended all
of my free messaging with it. Stay away from chatchipt.
He is a dangerous fella. Yeah, and he's just says
what you want, not what you need. I was telling
Hayley this the other day. She goes, oh my god,
(01:40):
chat chipc SID. I go, of course, of course you did.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, it's it's like sometimes I use it for recipes.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
It's really hot your health well. Also, like the psychiatrist
was like, the amount of times people using chat ChiPT
for mental health questions is like astronomical and it is
very dangerous.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yeah, so you were doing that, and you what because
at one point you you were trying different medicines but
nothing was working.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
So I'll just be candid. I was trying. They put
me on Zoloft and that's like the common number one
antidepressant for postpartum. It did it. It wasn't working. So
it's like the thing with antidepressants is they take weeks
to work. They take a really long time, and I
did not know that. I kind of was like, okay,
(02:30):
take it on like ANX You're like, okay, I feel this. No,
it takes a while. I think we tried a couple
of weeks, maybe five or something, and then she was like,
let's switch and we moved to Lexapro. And I think
initially we didn't want to go on lexapro because it
(02:51):
makes you gain a lot of weight, like that's kind
of when it's known to be a weight gainer. I
don't know how to say that more eloquently, but was
like it was like a way inflection and appetite, yeah something,
rather which like I mean, in hindsight, who cares, Like
your mental health is more important than what your body
looks like. But anyways, that was a decision that was
(03:13):
me and the end Zoloft is usually just like the
first the first line of defense, So switch to lexapro. Still,
like you know, a couple of weeks in wasn't working.
I in the mix of all this like switching medicines
and stuff, I also wasn't sleeping, so they put me
on something to like help me sleep, and I think
that was like the biggest thing, like once I started
(03:33):
sleeping consistently, like that was going to be the thing
that like helped me recover. And they do say that,
like it is such a big piece of recovery, Which
how do you do that if you don't have help
and you have a crying baby? That doesn't like like
it's just it does. None of it makes sense, right,
Like I was so blessed to have and so privileged
(03:53):
to have the resources and help around me, but so
many women do not. And so it's like, how is
recovery possible if sleep is what you need but you
can't sleep because you have to take care of a
crying baby in your single mom, in your single mom
working jobs, So how do you recover from that? And
like our government doesn't help you, Like, yeah, none of
it makes sense. So in the mix of this, I
(04:17):
was doing like virtual therapy a few times, and like
finally they were like you need to we need to
ramp this up because nothing's working. Like this is bad bad.
It was like very critical, very severe. There's like so
many levels of postpartum depression, like mine was on the
very very bad spectrum of it, And so I went
into something called an iop which is a in what
(04:40):
does it stand for? I didn't even know it had
a name. It has a thing, oh oh something something
like a psychotherapy type in patient outpatient program or something
like that program. Day, Okay, it's going to It's called
(05:00):
an IOP. You don't need to know what that means
when people are wanting to look into Yeah, so google IOP.
A lot of the like paranatal programs that most like
hospitals have this, like UCLA and some others, like not
all of them do, but some do. And this was
a program that I would go to three times a
(05:21):
week in person and I would have therapy, I would
meet with a psychiatrist, and then I would have like
group sessions with other women going through postpartu depression at
a level as critical as mine. And so at first
I was like no, like, I'm not doing this. This
is like, this is intense. There's no way I'm doing this.
(05:42):
Oh you were kicking, screaming. And I don't know why
I was fighting it so bad, because I was also
so desperate to get better, and like my doctor was like,
just do this. I promise it's going to get you better,
and I was like she. I was also having an
attitude towards so it's like a reoccurring theme for God.
(06:07):
So I go first day. I can't drive at this point,
Like I can't, Like I'm pretty much like non functional.
I'm so yessed, So get driven there crying the whole way.
I don't want to go. Like the first few sessions,
I'm like just crying, non engaged, like, But what slowly
started to shift was my connection I made with other
women in the program and like a few of which
(06:28):
I still talk to today, and having that like dialogue
with them and that like connection of like, wait, that's
what you're going through, That's what I'm going through, Like
I don't, like, there's something so powerful about that, And
it really like just started to like make me feel
warm inside. And like I saw a shift where I'd
like enjoy going to the program. I was sleeping a
(06:51):
little bit more like things were starting to kind of
like shift it at the same time obviously stopping the
breastfeeding and kind of like everything came together. And like
I said, it took like nine ish weeks, which in
like relatively speaking, is short for like a postpartum like
episode as bad as the one I had. I mean,
(07:12):
I there was women in the program that were a
year postpartum, still dealing with it, and they had gotten
it from like day one of having birth. So it's
a spectrum of like the level of it to how
long it lasts, Like it's all across the board. But
that's ultimately how I got better. I don't know like
what one thing was the thing. I think stopping the
(07:33):
breastfeeding is probably the most powerful thing because I was
like taking the antidepressants for a minute and they weren't
doing a thing, and that was the only thing that
like really really shifted me. And I think like the
structure and like the interaction and communication with like the
doctors and the other women like really like put like
structure and just my day was like filled, so I
(07:54):
was able to like not think about the depression as much.
So I think that really helped. But yeah, I mean
it's like my recovery is like loaded with privilege, like
that program in itself, Like you have to have medical insurance,
you have to It's like you have to be chosen
to be able to like get in it. Like there's
so much stuff it's access right, Like it's yeah, and
(08:17):
this is so unfair, Like if this situation like has
made me so enraged about like how women and specifically
like pregnant women and mothers are treated in this country,
Like I need to do something about it, and like
I know how hard the situation was for me, but
(08:37):
like I know that this was like this happened for
a reason, and like I'm gonna change women's lives because
of this, and like I don't know how yet, but
like I'm going to, and like it's just so unfair,
Like it's really unfair.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I also think being able to acknowledge that, because I
think so many people just go, you just have to
go into a program and you just need to get
on medication and just have access to and it's like
it's just not I think being able to acknowledge that.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
And also I also think sharing your story.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
I mean, this is really vulnerable and dark and deep,
and so many people just are like I don't want
to talk about it because regardless of where if it's
shame or guilt or whatever they're feeling, keep it to themselves,
as opposed to going like, hey, we're in this together,
and at some point if we both experience the same thing,
we can help each other feel more seen, which is
(09:29):
I mean, you had me you had all these other people,
but no one understood what you were going through.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
We're just like, yeah, just be it, be happy, you
know what. You just almost want to be like wait,
why is it so bad? Like I want you to
laugh again, you know.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
And it's like finding that community of women who were
navigating something so personal and scary that and having that
is so invaluable. Like I think that people should at
the very le least have access to talk to people
who are going through that, which I feel like you're
kind of creating a community, yeah, for women to talk
(10:07):
about it.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Yeah. Yeah, I mean I and I don't know what,
Like I've started sharing on my social media, like my experience.
I started a substack and shared my and wrote down
my experience with postpart depression, which actually was really like
therapeutic because I had never like really condensed it together
(10:29):
and like wrote it out and I was like, oh,
this is what happened. Like it felt really good to
do that. And I've been able to connect through social
media with so many women going through this, and I think,
like my doctor even told me, she was like, you're
going to come out of this like so much better
than before, and like trust me, you're going to do
something with that, And I was like, okay, like I'll
give it, giving her an I'm sure grying in the corner.
(10:53):
And it's true, like I feel very I haven't felt
so passionate about something in a really long time, you
know me, Like I'm always like the little like get her,
like go get her, Like I'm like, let's build a business,
let's do this. Let's like this is like kind of
like my thing right now that I'm really really excited
about for so many reasons. But I don't know. I
think it's like and I even wanted to come on
(11:14):
here and talk about it even though it's like it's
hard because it's like it's yes, it's talked about, but
like not enough in my opinion, and not in a
way that's like clinical. You know, it's like all it
is very clinical or really from a doctor from like
not from the perspective of like someone real going through it,
and like real lived connection was the thing that I
(11:35):
think was so important in my healing.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
So so nine weeks go by, you stop pumping and breastfeeding,
you feel like you're yourself coming back. Yeah, in a
totally new way though, like a very different version of yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
It was like waking up from a nightmare, like the
only way I spent like nine to ten weeks being
chased by like a lion.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
Literally, Oh, I was gonna say. I remember asking you
like because you couldn't really explain to me what you
were feeling, because I was like.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
What do you feel? Are you or is it like sadness?
Are you? I don't get the why aren't you sleeping? Part?
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Yeah, And then you explained it like when someone jumps
out at you and scares you, that initial feeling of
fear and panic, but like all the time, which sounds like.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Hell hell yeah. It was like yeah, that like rush
of like adrenaline and fear twenty four to seven. Like
I was just like like I had like picked my
nails raw, I was like biting them. I was like
so fidgety, Like I had so much like tension, and
it was not only mentals really physical for me too,
like I had like body aches and pains and like jitteriness,
(12:46):
and like it was hormones are a crazy thing, like
it really really is. And I think Jennifer Lawrence went
on a podcast for like The New York Times and
she said she had literally the same experience as me.
She breastfoot she was breastfeeding, and she was weaning, and
she completely crashed out. And she she said on that podcast,
(13:07):
which I think after I had explained it to people,
I had listened to that, so I don't think I
had gotten it from her, but who knows. Thing's a
little bit of a blur. But she said it felt
like being chased by a tiger twenty four to seven
all day long. Yeah, and that really like it was
really relatable to hear that that's so scary. That sounds horrible,
(13:28):
like a horrible feeling. Yeah. And then that's why, like
I couldn't sleep because it's like and you're just like like,
you know, being scared over and over and over again. Yeah.
So you come out of it and you're and Remy
is and that's like it's kind of worked out in
the sense that like Remy was just such a baby
that he was just doing his Moto Man anger spells
(13:51):
but he didn't know what was going on. No, And
I I in the mix of it, though, I was
like I felt so much guilt. I'm like, oh my god,
like I'm doing the postpart ofs of preussion, like he's
going to be so affected by this, and and like
he had so much love around him. He had my friends,
he had my parents, he had his Carson's parents, like
he had Carston, like he was just he had our
(14:13):
nanny meem like he was taking care of the prince
was fine. And I think like people had to tell
me that, like he's doing fine. You're not doing it fine,
you gotta get better, Yes, because he's chilling. Yeah, he's
he's totally okay. And I think that like helped me
get through this because I was really like concerned with,
(14:35):
you know, his outcome, because of like how the state
I was in, and he was so young. You know, No,
he doesn't, he doesn't. You don't like remember anything before
five or something. Yeah, I think my first memory is
from like kindergarten or something. Fine, we're not worried about him.
(15:08):
But where we now, we are in a place of pleasure. Pleasure.
I have never felt better in my life, Like I
am genuinely so happy. I'm still on lexapro, yeah, but
I am on the very very very smallest dose, which
we have discussed. You have always had a level of
(15:31):
anxiety that, you know, affected small things like daily life
things and then flying and you know all the things
that bring it up. I ran a little interies. Yeah,
so you may have always needed a small dose of
the liking. So I'm like, my doctor's like, you can
go off a year and a half postpartum. That's kind
(15:52):
of like her time frame for when like the hormones.
Oh just so I like six more months, Okay, a
year and a half postpartum, but we'll see, like when
I get there and I'm not ready, then I'm not ready,
and then I continue totally on the lex Yeah that.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
You're on lexapro small, You've you've and you also did
that in a very safe way of like waning.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Oh that's like really important that you Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah, and you love being a mom.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
I love being a mom. It's so crazy. I literally
was like.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
I'm not in some way, but I was just like
out of all my friends, there's just yeah, well you
decided you wanted to have kids.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
I was just like, no way, Ally's gonna have kids.
Like she's not like maternal, She's not like maternal is
the word. I'm not maternal nurture.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
I'm like a little cold ice queen, a nasty cold
ice queen. And we're like this to each other where
we barely hug, like we'll hug about you. Yeah, Okay,
that's enough, you know. Yeah, and it's been so fun. Well,
even like before obviously it got dark, Like even that
part of it, I.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Was like, wow, she really stepped into this role so naturally. Yeah,
it's been so fun to watch you do it because.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I love it. Yeah, Like I have never felt more
like passion or excitement or like like I feel at home.
You know. It's like I was so homesick. Now I
feel so home home at home. Yeah, he's so cute.
I've had to worry.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
I've never had to work so hard for a child
to like me. Then of course my best friend's baby. Yeah,
he's not sure about you.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
No, last time he was like into me. Yeah he
was Indie last time. But he's he's a he's a
prickly little fella. Yeah, very attached to you. I wish
I should have brought him. What are your thoughts on?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
That would have been a fifteen minute podcast. What are
your thoughts on? Okay, I want to talk about this.
Was I should have asked this before? But finding out
the gender because there's a lot of conversations about you know,
gender disappointment and having you know, expectations of what you
think your life is going to look like as a parent.
And I want to do to talk about that a
(18:10):
little bit.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, okay, so I feel like correct me if I'm wrong.
I think every girl wants a girl. I don't know
really okay, majority, let's say majority. I think like when
you think of having a baby, you kind of just
think of like what you know, you know, what it's
like to be a girl, grow up as a girl,
and blah blah blah blah. So I kind of just
(18:31):
like in my I was like, I'm a girl, I
have girls, Like I don't know how I'm not creating penises,
Like how would I ever create one? But when I
found out, okay, so I control issues. I did the
what is that thing called that? I did, like the
really early you basically like get this thing in the mail,
you prick your finger or like you prick your arm
(18:53):
and you do the blood like this is at like
five weeks.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
She was the most impatient. I felt like you were
pregnant for three years because you found out so early.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
For everything. Yeah, I mean I found out. I was
pregnant like three and a half weeks. I found the
gender out at like four weeks, like it was yeah,
it was sentenced, so anyways, mail it in and it's
it's like, okay, be careful about getting like male DNA
on it because that can like shift the thing. I
have three male pets, I live with my husband. Obviously,
my brother comes over, like there's men in my life.
(19:23):
So I was like, okay, I gotta be super careful.
So I do it. I mail it in. It comes
back and also like uneventful. We kind of just like
opened it up on the thing and were and it
said mail and we both were like, no, I don't
think so, I don't know. There's no way like literally
(19:43):
fifty fifty and I was like Brooks. I was like,
Brooks got licked me and his DNA gone on it.
This could probably have been the start of some hormonal
issues happening. And I was like, yeah, that's why. So
I didn't believe it. Did I even tell you that
it came back mail? Yeah, oh I did, but I
(20:05):
was just kind of like, that's insane. Let's just wait
till so then I yeah, no, I know, And then
got the real like the NP I t blood test
where they do it and also mail confirmed shocking confirmed.
I did. I did find on like a Reddit forum
that like a lot of people had it like, wasn't
(20:25):
right the beginning one? Yeah, that makes sense, Yeah, because
there's a lot of room for error when you're testing
yourself in your laboratory, in your bathroom laboratory, they have
your blood. Simple, yeah, you's got that. Now, we don't recommend.
I don't know what is it called, and I google it.
It's a thing. Yes, I don't know. I think at
(20:49):
first I was like a boy. I think there feels
like a lot of pressure of like especially in today's climate,
like raising a man, a man, a full blown man,
like there's gonna be a man in my home. Like
I think that when I think that's a man in
your room? Oh another man? Two men, yeah, two men.
(21:15):
I don't know. I think I think I felt this
immense amount of like oh my god, this like you know,
like a girl. It's like you braid hair and you
do ballet and it seems just really like easy. I
love that you think you're like a girl who does
ballet and like super girly, which is like I feel
like all of my friends were like, you're such a
boy mom. Yeah, it actually makes total sense. Yeah, but
(21:38):
I did a video on this from this I don't
know this creator's name, but she did this video about
there's not my take on it is. It's not boy mom,
girl mom, it's raccoon mom versus unicorn mom. This is
so crazy. Yeah, And like you either have a raccoon
baby or you have a unicorn baby. The unicorn baby
is like they go to they sleep through the night
(21:59):
at five weeks really and they're chill and like, I
feel like a lot of that stereotype is associated with
girls and then boys are raccoons. But I have seen
some girl raccoons and I've seen some boy unicorns.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
I think, Yeah, I think it's very dependent on the
child and has nothing to do with gender.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, and I have a full blown raccoon. He is
like full blown, but I like I am a raccoon,
so therefore I have a raccoon baby, right right, But
I yeah, I would say I was like mixed feelings
finding out like I I again, I think I just
pictured myself like having a girl, and I think that's
like common. But looking back, like a pregnancy, like it's
(22:39):
fifty to fifty. You can't control it. Like any healthy
baby is a blessing and a miracle, and like who
cares about the gender. And also like we do need
we need good people raising good men like me little
nasty witch, ye nay witch, just raising good men exactly.
And I love I am a boy mom, so like you,
(23:02):
there's a mom of a boy and then there's boy
mom mom. There's like weird attachment to their son that
you're like, yeah, we need Remy to have some He's
fine now because he's a baby, but as things progress,
like if he brings home like someone who's dating, and
you're like, I'll be good about that. Okay, yeah, I'll
(23:24):
be open to that. I think I think I see
myself like in sports, and like I think I'm gonna
get like into it, going to be like fighting people
in the ballroom. Yeah, like yelling at refs. Yeah, him
like playing baseball and stuff.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
It's so cute.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Okay, So he just turned one. You're so happy or
so like made for this. After the pregnancy you had
and then going through postpartum, you were like, I will
absolutely not do this. I can I don't think I
can do this.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Again.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Oh yeah, I was like, there's never no, but now
that he's one, we're we're there's chit chat about our
number two baby too. Curiosity brewing, which I told I
literally is like you're talking. Oh yeah, you know you
were like, what did you just say that you're going
to be pregnant November?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, like just round two starties in that way. But
what what are your hesitations around? Is it because you
want another baby? You just the fear of the pregnancy
being hard and the postpartum of it all.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Yeahs you I'm a little traumatized. Yeah. So when you've
had postpartum depression in one pregnancy, you're more likely to
get it in the second, or the chances are higher
than just like an average person who's never had it.
So it's probably like sixty to seventy percent chance that
I would get it again. It's high. Yeah, you can
(24:47):
go into it like already on antidepressants, and you can
you know, be more prepared for it. But there were I.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Also feel like you kind of knew, like and it's
again a hindsight thing of knowing. Okay, if I start
feeling the drop, I yeah, I can give the baby
formula without yeah, or like.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Just don't breastfeed, Like there's things that like I can
do to like, you know, prophilactically. Is that the word?
Big word? That's a big word for this podcast. I
think that's the right word, you know, to to better prepare. Right,
So there's that, Yeah, being pregnant, being so sick. I
think also like I don't want to miss out on
(25:25):
his like toddler years and like he like I don't know, say,
like I could be one and done. I think that's
really beautiful and magical too. I think having a second
is also really exciting. I don't know. I don't know
what I'm gonna do. I really am like I need
to go see the psychic again. Although she said soul,
she said souls. Maybe there's another pet? Yeah, so no
(25:51):
way too many pets right now. Yeah, I don't I
don't know what I'll do. I I do. I I
want a second? You want to second? Will you be
my surrogate? No?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
No, but lovingly no, I don't know. You need to
ask someone who's had easy pregnancies. Don't put that first
time are in for you.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Actually, I don't think you can be a surrogate if
it's your first time, Yeah, because I don't know what
will happen. Yeah, but is that something you can consider?
I mean, yeah, I would love that, Like that sounds
like a dream. But that's like wildly expensive. I think
it's like two hundred thousand dollars to have a surrogate.
You also have to go you know, you have to
go through IVY if you have to go through like
(26:35):
it's not easy to get that done either. I mean,
but could you imagine just like here's a little baby,
like you're not you don't have to go through all
the No, I really can't it.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
The only thing I can equate it to is getting
Phoebe and me taking her hoping, like I have to
keep this little tiny thing alive.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
Yeah, and I mean mine. I just think women that
are surrogate, it's like wow, like what a.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Honestly, women are amazing women and are amazing single moms.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
I've always had I've always been like, while.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Single moms are incredible, But I think when you went
through what you went through and thinking about someone not
having access to help or having support around them, or
being you know, by themselves having to work and support it,
it made me realize the significance of like heroic, just
(27:30):
like how heroic a single mom and women are in general,
Like yeah, like.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
We're too quiet about it. We need to be a
little more. We need to be a lot louder about what, yeah,
women do. And I was reading this thing about how
the United States is like one of the only like countries,
like one of thirty eight countries that doesn't provide like
(28:00):
national like post maternal health care and like time off,
which is just wild, like and in only like one
fourth of companies provide like PTO or something like that
for for women. It's crazy. Yeah, So it's like you're
expected to have a baby and then like immediately go
(28:22):
back to work or work without pay.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Yeah, it's it's unreal. Okay, I know you said you
wanted to you had some questions for me.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Do you have those or get Okay, I'll take a break.
We'll take a break.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And we'll come back with questions.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Now we're back. Wow, Like that's so funny because that's
a joke. Tanya and I do to fight to say
say we're back first, So good job. So you think
I listened to the podcast, you know, I know.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
I was gonna A lot of people had questions, which
we covered a lot of the things that people were
asking about. A lot of people were asking about our
friend dynamic with you being my manager as well.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
And I feel like we've probably.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Touched on this since when you were here last, but
a lot of people were wondering if there's ever been
like a conflict, conflicts or hard things.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
I can't remember a time that we had. I mean
it's like the you know, it's I'm always like can
you post more? Can you you know, but like I
don't know, do you recall a conflict. I feel like
one time you were going to remember this when you
were going to sign someone else that was gonna be
(29:56):
like like more competition for me to get and I
was just kind of like what, oh, I'm just trying
to think okay, yeah, and and we just like had
kind of it wasn't an argument or anything. It was
just like, hey, like you're just being scorp and you
I was not being scored, being like, oh, if you
want to sign someone else and maybe I need to
(30:17):
find yeah new management, you know, like just being realistic
in a business sense, and you were you handled it
really well okay, yeah yeah, yeah that was a while ago.
And I think that's fair, And I think, yeah, I
mean I luckily or not, I don't know. I just
I feel like I have a lot of experience like
working with people and being friends with them. Yeah, I mean,
(30:37):
so do you Like you know, you work with Tanya
and she's your best friend, and like I think that
you're kind of either you can do it or you can't.
Like there's some people who can just do it, and
then there's others that just really can't. And I think
it's into like we have like our tech stream for work, right,
and then we have like you and my tech like
it's and we don't talk about work in that one,
(30:58):
but it's like you know what I mean, Like it's
it's we separate church and state, like really really well.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Yeah, And it used to be more where it was
a direct thing with you, so it was almost a
little more interwoven, where now there's more of a team
that's helping, that's more day to day so they kind
of have to handle me, like nagging me or like
being on I guess I should saynagging because of really
having to be on me because I can be delayed
(31:24):
and like responding and communicating someone else, like what's Becka
like working with is she hard to communicate with?
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Oh? I mean, can I be honest? Yeah? Yes, Like
it's crazy and I know you're sitting there on your phone.
So what's going through your head when you like don't
text back. I don't know. I think it's like a
sign of ADHD or something that is. Something can something
simple can feel overwhelming, really over like the thought of
just like responding can just be like too much. Yeah, yeah,
(31:52):
that's it. I don't really have other reasons that I can.
Could they received working on it, okay, I'll do that,
or like thumbs up it or something. I think it's
like when you text into the ABYSS and you get
nothing back. It's like it was like when I had
postponon depression, just talking to talking to a wall. Yeah, yeah,
that's good. I'll start like either emphasizing things or things
(32:15):
for bringing it up. We also have a tex stream
about like another area of her business. I've asked though,
where the other people on my team. I'll be like sorry,
and they're like, oh, you're like not the worst at all,
So don't trust that to you. Don't worry about it
Between me and them, they're lying when you were on
postpartum leaf. They're lying either like I think what's different
(32:39):
between you and like you you're really fun to work with.
I like you're different from other people, but like I
think you have a really you're really grateful and I
think that gratitude really shines through with like how you
treat people that you work with, And I think that's
really what's you know, like I mixed up for me. Yeah,
like she's just like ghosting us, but like you know,
she cares, but like just can't care right now. It's
(33:02):
hard because I also think.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
It's been so many iterations of social media and creating
content that it's you know, it started in one way
and it's advanced so much and it was like TikTok
came and then yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
I mean not been through.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
It's quite quite a luxury job and luxury position I'm in.
But I mean I think it's just sometimes there's that
burnout and you're just like I have hosts. Yeah, yeah, you,
I mean you have burnout too.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
Yeah. I think like yeah, when you We've talked about
this so many times. It's like that not that you're
getting validation from social media, but like your livelihood and
how you make money is based on social media, right,
Like it's like just like a lot of pressure and
it's like your work, Like if you go to your job,
you can like log out of your job. You can't,
like I mean you can log out of Instagram. But
(33:51):
like it is just right, always on right, and it's
like it's I think people like, oh, I'm so jealous
of content creators and this and that, but like I
don't know of be it at the end of the day,
like it is. It takes a certain amount of grit,
Like I don't know how, I don't know what the
right word is, but it's like being in the spotlight
(34:11):
takes a certain amount of like you just have to
be off. Yeah, I mean so I would be like
i'd cry. Well.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
I think that's that's part of the journey, especially that
I've had where it was being on the Bachelor and
having people just have opinions of not liking me just
because they were rooting for someone else to end up
with the guy, and then you kind of go through
that of you know, why do people not like me?
I haven't done anything, and then just navigating it's just
a TV show, and then dating Haley and then coming
(34:41):
out and expecting that reaction as well.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
You kind of just and then having people close to
me have reactions to me coming out you kind of go,
what's the worst a stranger can say?
Speaker 2 (34:53):
You know, kind of shifts your perspective. But I also
think that comes with age too. You just kind of go,
who are they? These are not real?
Speaker 1 (35:01):
In my mind, I'm like, these are not real people
because real people want to come up and say this
to you to your face. Yeah, what is the relationship
on the para social? Para social? Parasocial? It's like a
really interesting one. Like it like, you know, it feels
close though, like it feels like a friendship, but when
it feels when it's friendly, it feels real. But that's
(35:23):
a good way to like, what was the girl that
said the other the other week? Wow? Not even that
nobody cares? No one cares, which I literally did laugh
out loud. I mean that's so funny because I every
time I go to post, I'm like, no one cares?
I voice was that you actually? Yeah, troll account my
(35:43):
burner account. No, it's when you post your like drawings
or your questions on your stories. That's what I'm always like, No,
why what are you doing. Are you okay?
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Yeah, what questions did you have for me?
Speaker 1 (35:57):
Well? Are you going to have kids? Well? You guys
so back and forth on I mean, we're very much
like no right now, but we're not one hundred percent no,
but we're like definitely past fifty percent of being no. Okay.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
I think we I think it's a fun season because
so many people close to us, our friends, are having babies,
so we're getting to have We're getting to watch it
happen and see the highs and the lows up close.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
But I think every.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Time we spend time with kids, we go home and
we're kind of like, Okay, we're really happy with our life.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
You know, last night I was like looking at your
maybe it was Haley's story, your story, and I saw
you sitting there with your red light mask on. Yeah,
and I like, in my other hand have like my
Nanit monitor and Remy's like screaming, and I'm like, bro,
like if I could just sit with my red light
mask on and just chill for a little bit, but yeah,
gotta go rock the boy like I think it it. Yeah,
(36:56):
you live a very your life is cozy.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
It's very comfortable, and it's very like we do whatever
we want, we have time to do whatever we want,
and I just don't feel my thing is I know
that if we had a kid, I would it would
be my everything, like the child would be my everything everything.
And I also, which I wanted to talk about, I
know that would ultimately affect my relationship with Haley because
of your like your relationship changes once you have I mean,
(37:21):
just naturally, I think you can come back, but for
a chunk of time. I think you have to be
really intentional about that. And I just I love our
relationship and I love our life, and I love the
quiet you know I do.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
And I love I just love.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
We're both on the same page about it, so it's
not one hundred percent no, but we're very content right now.
But I was going to ask what the shifts of
like your partner and relationship with person.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
I think, I mean, you only have like so much
like love in your heart, or like you only have
so much you can give at any one time, and
so like when so much is required of the baby,
there's like less like whatever gas in your tank, like
capacity capacity, and so like that is gonna shift things.
(38:08):
It's also like you know, the sexual side of it,
like you're ripped up, you're torn you like, you know,
like they say you can have sex after six weeks,
but I'm sorry, like I was still leading it. Yeah,
Like it's just unwell down there, like you know, it's
like it's that the physical part of it changes a
little bit. Your body's different, like your so much is
(38:29):
You're just so different, you know. But I feel like
we're we're just like a really good team, like we
really are, like we really compliment each other well, and
like it's we're not like fighting more. We're not like
having issues or anything like that. I think it's just
it's just it's just different because there's like this like
one more person to love in the relationship, yes, and
(38:49):
keeping alive, like you're literally having.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
To give so much energy to yeah loving a baby,
but also survival.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Yeah, I mean you have to like ask if you
can go to the bathroom, like can I go to
the bathroom? Like you got him? Like you know, it's
like that, it's just the freedom is gone. Yeah. So
it's just like the dynamic changes. You can't just go
poop when you need to poop, no, no cereal in
them poop. Yeah, that's a lux that's a luxury, that is,
you've given up. Yeah, well it'd be like that. People
(39:19):
were asking about Randy and Cline. Oh naturally, I mean,
when is the last time that we've actually so let me.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
Tell you about what happened with the Randy and Cline.
When we started Randy and Cline, Allie was not quite
as pairing in terms of how she presented to the world.
That is, Yeah, because then when you started, when you
were single.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Oh, so then she got she was in a relationship
long term before Carson, and she was just free as
the wind post. I could post anything about her, she
would not care.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
Yeah, And then she got out of that relationship and
she was in her hot girl era.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
I was so hot, and she would she would just
and we like, do a reel of just that footage.
Are you being hot? Yeah? No, just a brandy. And
so when I would try to get her to participate
in Randy Incline, it was, yeah, I was she would spiral.
We would do something and it would be really funny,
and then she would say, I look ugly, which is
the whole point now, I know. I mean, yeah, I
(40:30):
think there's like, okay, I'm dressed as like a guy
and like with a mullet. But then it's like I
also was like I think it was a point in
my career two where I was like a business I
was trying to be a business whatever, and so I
was kind of getting like pressure. I don't know, I
just like I felt like weird about it. I would
go full Randy now, like I I feel like I'm
(40:53):
so open on social media, like right, like I don't know, yeah,
but that just came back. Oh yeah, and it's a
it's a newer thing for me. So now that I'm
over all of that and like my looks and my beauty,
I am open to bringing Randy and climb back. Okay,
I just don't know, Like I don't even know where
(41:16):
I think. I really I think, yeah, I definitely don't
have any Do you have my shorts? I can reorder
some things for you.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
It's going to go.
Speaker 1 (41:24):
But what's funny is that like whole look is like
I feel so many girls are doing that now. I
feel like they're bachelorettes and stuff. Did we start that
or is that I want to claim it? I kind
of do, but I don't I don't remember seeing other
people do like we invented. Like I hadn't seen that,
Like we made that up right, and now they call
it like the barbecue Dad or something like that. I
(41:46):
literally feel like once a week someone is doing a
bachelorette and that's what they're dressing at. Yeah, it's a classic.
We used to get like tagged in that type of content. Yeah,
they they've gotten the original text. That we've lost the
original text. Okay, I think I think we need to
claim that back.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
Yeah, I agree, So I'll order some stuff and we'll
get back into that. What are some unexpected things about motherhood,
(42:27):
both positive and negative, that you were surprised about?
Speaker 1 (42:30):
Hmmm. I think everyone said, like, like your pets, like
you're the dynamic changes with your pets, and I was like, no,
like that'll never happen. It does change the dynamic with
your pets. I was surprised that happened to me. It's
a weird one to choose, but like, I just want
(42:51):
to talk about that because you love Bobe more than
like life. Yeah, nothing would ever changed that. And and
well if you care so much about your dog, like
I know, i'd be upset. I'd be scary obsessive, so obsessive. Yeah, boy, mom,
(43:13):
what else? I mean, I don't know. I feel like
it's all just like a crapsh Like, I don't know,
it's all crazy. It's nothing is what I expected. Nothing
is what I like thought it was easier than you
thought it would be.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Mmmmm like that you were like, oh, I was kind
of scared about this and teething.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
Oh, like I was definitely afraid of teething okay, and
knock on wood like, I mean it's like raugh a
little bit that I would not say, that's like the hardest.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Oh, you're so lucky. I've heard really like nightmare things
about teeth.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
I'm like, am I just like waiting because I think
you got a moler already and he like there was
a little a day or two of like some madness,
but like that, for whatever reason, like always scared me.
I think it was a lot more stuff like in pregnant,
like epidural and oh what is that like glucose like
test that everyone freaks out. Yeah, Like I feel like
I was like made to be so afraid of that,
(44:08):
which a breeze. Yeah, I don't know, I haven't been.
Speaker 2 (44:13):
Like, I mean, obviously you went through something really traumatic,
but there wasn't There hasn't been anything in general of
motherhood that you've been shocked by either way other than
the pets.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
Yeah, do you make the amount of bouncing that would happen?
Like I have bounced my ass off while not technically
speaking because it's like larger than ever, but like I
bounce all day and all night, like on a medicine ball.
I didn't know that was like part of motherhood, like
to get him to sleep, to calm him down, Like
(44:43):
it's a multipurpose solution, the bouncing.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
No, it is kind of crazy though that you could
have another baby and it and never bounce again.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Yeah, I think don't most people bounce? Well, you have
the you know, I can't do that when I'm holding Bobe. Really, yeah,
I'm not. I don't have that like rhythm to do that.
I tried to do it the other night with him,
and he like goes up and he like starts to
like dance. I'm like, no, it's not the right to
feel like if I don't have my ball or my tools,
like I cannot get him to sleep. And I think
(45:12):
sleep is a big one, right, Like I think that
there's like but there's a lot of like pressure and
talk about sleep and it's like how you get them
to we have not done sleep dream where you look
like cry it out and stuff. Is that controversial? Yes,
that's so controversial. There's such like a party that's like
do it. It's the best thing that's ever like, well
happened to you to Then other people are like they're
(45:34):
only young ones. It's horrible. Like there's so very left
and right camps on that.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
I just think my whole thing of observing and watching
people is that certain things work really well for some
people and the baby, and certain things that are completely
opposite work for the next family. Like I think it's
the I think it's scary to be a parent on
social media right now because everyone's got an opinion of everything,
(46:02):
and it's also obviously their space for community and that's
really beautiful. But at the end of the day, people
have an opinion on anything you do.
Speaker 1 (46:11):
Yeah, yeah, that's tough. No, that is tough, Like I
think likely yeah, like when our parents were parenting, like
they probably what is that book? Like everyone had liked
like chicken Soup for the soul, but like it was
like I would love to chicken say the soul. We
read that Oh my gosh, I don't know. It was
this parenting book that basically everyone had in like the nineties,
(46:32):
and I feel like that's all they had. They didn't
have the Internet, they didn't like they could call a friend,
but they you're kind of just like raw dogging it
and like that's you like read or you talk to
a doctor. Yeah. I feel like that was what you did.
And like you could argue that that makes parenting easier
now than all the access, or you could say it
makes it harder.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
Yeah, because there's the opposite things.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
You get paralyzed in decision. Yeah, And I think that
was a problem with me. It's like I couldn't make
decisions on stuff because I was hearing from so many
different angles. Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
I would feel overwhelmed by that someone said, please let
her know how much her transparency about her experienced postpartum
means someone with.
Speaker 1 (47:11):
That, I I think that it. Well, one in seven
women goes through postpartum depression. They say, like the stats
are even more like one in five because a lot
of it goes like undiagnosed or undocumented. It's a lot
of women. It's a lot of women like that is. Yeah,
it's and I feel like being vulnerable about all of
(47:34):
it has been healing for me, So I like sharing
about it.
Speaker 2 (47:37):
I bet, Like, I mean, I feel like there's freedom
and expressing those things because it can feel scary because
it's so personal and vulnerable, but it also it makes
people go like, oh my gosh, me too, me too,
me too, and you just create like that sense of
oh my gosh, I'm not alone. And I think a
big part of depression and postpartum what it seems like
is that feeling of being alone and like no one.
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Gets it, no one gets it, and like you're the
worst case ever and like you'll never get better. Yeah,
And I think like actually hearing stories of women getting
better from postpartum depression was like so like warmed my soul,
Like I would just sit there. Actually ordered this book
from Amazon about all these like personal stories and essays
(48:21):
of women that had postpun depression that got better and
they like they like sentim in and like it's like
literally written in the eighties or something like I don't know,
but it was like I loved reading it. I mean, yeah,
that's that's so hopeful. I mean, that's the.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
Main thing you need when you're going through something like that.
I would imagine someone said, how are you balancing work
life and you know, being a mom.
Speaker 1 (48:43):
I always thought this would be like really really difficult,
But I feel like it's like when I'm at work
and I'm present, like and I'm in front of my computer,
like I am just like I'm head down, get it
done because I know, like my reward at the end
is like being with Remy and hanging out with him,
and like I just want to get everything done and
do it right. Yeah, so I feel like it's actually
(49:04):
like motivated me to be like working harder. I don't know,
like I I still feel really like motivated in my career.
I love what I'm doing. I yeah, I'm feeling good
about it. But there's there's times where I'm like, hey,
I got to go because I got to go to
the doctor with Remy or I got to like you know,
I and I am grateful I have that flexibility in
(49:26):
my career and in my company is like you know,
I founded it and my co CEO is a female
and a mom, and like it's mostly a women operated
company and so we we love motherhood and we love
mothers and so I think that that helps us be
like more flexible and have that kind of like entrained
(49:46):
in our culture.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
How do you feel like our friendship has changed since
having a baby?
Speaker 1 (49:53):
Was that a question or you just wanted someone asked, Oh,
that's emotional? Really? I think so? I think you really
see who shows up for you when you're at your
your deepest, darkest moment. You really do. Because it's easy
to be friends with someone that's happy and giving, but
when they're dark and can't give anything, you really see
(50:17):
who shows up for you. So I think I'll be
like forever changed in the way that you showed up
for me just by like coming, like just coming. I
remember that night you came over, like and we made
what did we make? Cookies? Cookies be goes. I think
I was just sitting in the corner crying, wasn't I?
And you were like like afraid of me. But I
(50:39):
think it was just like your presence, your warmth, your care,
like you showing up every every day, you showed up
for me, You checked in on me, you even just
a little hey thinking about you, like I will never
think of you the same, like never think of you
the same, like your your family to me. You're like
you are a sister to me. I love you like
(51:00):
I thank you, like you got me out of something
so deep and dark, and I think, I don't know,
it's just like forever going to change how I feel
about you. Wow, that's emotional. I didn't give you his
family to your like my sister.
Speaker 2 (51:17):
And I'm just so it's so like healing to have
this full circle of like you being on the podcast
and sharing this and being so on the other side
and so happy and so like joyful in this phase
of your life, and like getting to watch you step
into the role of being a mom has just been
like the coolest thing. And I was so scared of
(51:38):
being like, oh no, I'm losing you know. It's like
everyone talks about your and I get it. I mean like, like, yeah,
life changes and your focus is now, your attention is elsewhere.
But I also feel like we have so much banter
and text throughout the day that and I get to,
you know, see him and be a part of your
life with him, and it's been so fun and I'm
(51:58):
just I'm so grateful and it's been a really fun phase.
Speaker 1 (52:01):
And I'm totally open to you having two or having one,
whatever you want, and I'll be there through it all. Okay, yeah,
yeah that'll be we'll see, we'll see what happens. Yeah,
there's no pressure because I actually I don't feel any
I mean I think that's like a like people are
(52:22):
always asking like when are you gonna have number two?
Or what are you thinking? Like it's just like everyone
asks that and like I just don't know. I don't know.
That's how I feel.
Speaker 2 (52:31):
I mean when people ask me about kids, I don't
I never am like frustrated. I'm just like people are
just curious because it's like the stages of life and
what you do, and obviously we're not getting younger, so
it's kind of like.
Speaker 1 (52:41):
Hey, like you doing this your eggs? I don't know.
I've thought about it.
Speaker 2 (52:44):
I go back and forth on it because I know
people who have done it, and you know it's a
process and then you have them, and I feel like
it would be smart for me to have that insurance.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
Have you gotten like your eggs like scanned or anything?
I know, and you should start with here.
Speaker 2 (53:02):
I am I'll the psychic and God just like Pomeranians
Pomeranian souls waiting for me.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
I mean, if I was a psychic, I would say
I see soul waiting for just one soul really just
a singular. The thing is is I I feel very
confident with being like I feel very maternal, and I
do feel very nurturing, and I know I would, like
I said it would that would be my whole life.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
But I also am just realistic about where I'm at
and wanting that. And it's such a decision for us,
you know, like it's such a process to go through
of like you know, finding a donor, freezing our eggs,
doing all the things, and that's just it's it would be,
it's it would be a huge choice to make, you know,
(53:51):
and when it be like, let's just see what happens
and try. So I think that's another part of it too.
We really have to really be sure. I think you'd
be so happy with whichever.
Speaker 1 (54:02):
Yeah, that's how I feel. I'll genuinely like saying that
about you, Like I think you and you're going to
be like an aunt to so many and already are
an aunt to so many. I am aunt Becca, Yeah,
and so you're gonna get that like you know, relationship
with children regardless. Yeah, and they're they're yours as well
their mine, and then I give them back. Yeah when
(54:24):
you want to go to sleep.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
Yeah, maybe those are the souls waiting for me to
be the aunt. Thank you so much for coming on.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and open and sharing
the good, the bad, all the things, the nasty, the
nasty of yourself.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
Thank you for having me. I love scrubbing in. Longtime listener, well,
longtime listener, yeah or what is it, longtime listener, longtime
fan or something. Now it's like first time follower, longtime listener.
I don't know. Hard to say. This was fun though,
Thank you, Thank you everybody for listening. We hope it
was informative and we love you so much. By my
Trigger warning.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
For this episode, we're going to be talking about mental health,
postpartum depression, and trying to conceive.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Scrubbing In with Becatilly and Tanya Brad and iHeartRadio and
People's Choice Award winning podcast. Hello everybody, We're back with
scrubbing In. We are scrubbing, We are scrubbing in. Great job.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
This is Part two with Ali because we talked for
so long the first episode that I was like, we
just need to split it up and have a part
two because we.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Have so much to talk about.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Because we talked about, you know, getting pregnant, giving birth, labor,
and then when you get talked about your postpartum depression
and going through that. So you spent what was it
you said, seven weeks?
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Like the whole episode? What your postpartum depression? I thought
even the episode of the podcast not Everything is a
podcast by guy went in in my mind episodes or
TV and podcast, So you just like I was like, bro, No,
my depressive episode was like nine weeks, ten weeks. Yeah,
(01:08):
do you want to talk about like how I fixed it? Well, yeah,
that's what I'm saying. So you're you're going through it.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
They're like, hey, you're You're obsessively trying to figure out
what's going on to the point where Carson's taking your
phone away from you.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
You know. I was like on Reddit, formulas, formulas, forums, formulas,
I was like on chat GPT, like I extended all
of my free messaging with it. Stay away from chatchipt.
He is a dangerous fella. Yeah, and he's just says
what you want, not what you need. I was telling
Hayley this the other day. She goes, oh my god,
(01:40):
chat chipc SID. I go, of course, of course you did.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Yeah, it's it's like sometimes I use it for recipes.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
It's really hot your health well. Also, like the psychiatrist
was like, the amount of times people using chat ChiPT
for mental health questions is like astronomical and it is
very dangerous.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yeah, so you were doing that, and you what because
at one point you you were trying different medicines but
nothing was working.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
So I'll just be candid. I was trying. They put
me on Zoloft and that's like the common number one
antidepressant for postpartum. It did it. It wasn't working. So
it's like the thing with antidepressants is they take weeks
to work. They take a really long time, and I
did not know that. I kind of was like, okay,
(02:30):
take it on like ANX You're like, okay, I feel this. No,
it takes a while. I think we tried a couple
of weeks, maybe five or something, and then she was like,
let's switch and we moved to Lexapro. And I think
initially we didn't want to go on lexapro because it
(02:51):
makes you gain a lot of weight, like that's kind
of when it's known to be a weight gainer. I
don't know how to say that more eloquently, but was
like it was like a way inflection and appetite, yeah something,
rather which like I mean, in hindsight, who cares, Like
your mental health is more important than what your body
looks like. But anyways, that was a decision that was
(03:13):
me and the end Zoloft is usually just like the
first the first line of defense, So switch to lexapro. Still,
like you know, a couple of weeks in wasn't working.
I in the mix of all this like switching medicines
and stuff, I also wasn't sleeping, so they put me
on something to like help me sleep, and I think
that was like the biggest thing, like once I started
(03:33):
sleeping consistently, like that was going to be the thing
that like helped me recover. And they do say that,
like it is such a big piece of recovery, Which
how do you do that if you don't have help
and you have a crying baby? That doesn't like like
it's just it does. None of it makes sense, right,
Like I was so blessed to have and so privileged
(03:53):
to have the resources and help around me, but so
many women do not. And so it's like, how is
recovery possible if sleep is what you need but you
can't sleep because you have to take care of a
crying baby in your single mom, in your single mom
working jobs, So how do you recover from that? And
like our government doesn't help you, Like, yeah, none of
it makes sense. So in the mix of this, I
(04:17):
was doing like virtual therapy a few times, and like
finally they were like you need to we need to
ramp this up because nothing's working. Like this is bad bad.
It was like very critical, very severe. There's like so
many levels of postpartum depression, like mine was on the
very very bad spectrum of it, And so I went
into something called an iop which is a in what
(04:40):
does it stand for? I didn't even know it had
a name. It has a thing, oh oh something something
like a psychotherapy type in patient outpatient program or something
like that program. Day, Okay, it's going to It's called
(05:00):
an IOP. You don't need to know what that means
when people are wanting to look into Yeah, so google IOP.
A lot of the like paranatal programs that most like
hospitals have this, like UCLA and some others, like not
all of them do, but some do. And this was
a program that I would go to three times a
(05:21):
week in person and I would have therapy, I would
meet with a psychiatrist, and then I would have like
group sessions with other women going through postpartu depression at
a level as critical as mine. And so at first
I was like no, like, I'm not doing this. This
is like, this is intense. There's no way I'm doing this.
(05:42):
Oh you were kicking, screaming. And I don't know why
I was fighting it so bad, because I was also
so desperate to get better, and like my doctor was like,
just do this. I promise it's going to get you better,
and I was like she. I was also having an
attitude towards so it's like a reoccurring theme for God.
(06:07):
So I go first day. I can't drive at this point,
Like I can't, Like I'm pretty much like non functional.
I'm so yessed, So get driven there crying the whole way.
I don't want to go. Like the first few sessions,
I'm like just crying, non engaged, like, But what slowly
started to shift was my connection I made with other
women in the program and like a few of which
(06:28):
I still talk to today, and having that like dialogue
with them and that like connection of like, wait, that's
what you're going through, That's what I'm going through, Like
I don't, like, there's something so powerful about that, And
it really like just started to like make me feel
warm inside. And like I saw a shift where I'd
like enjoy going to the program. I was sleeping a
(06:51):
little bit more like things were starting to kind of
like shift it at the same time obviously stopping the
breastfeeding and kind of like everything came together. And like
I said, it took like nine ish weeks, which in
like relatively speaking, is short for like a postpartum like
episode as bad as the one I had. I mean,
(07:12):
I there was women in the program that were a
year postpartum, still dealing with it, and they had gotten
it from like day one of having birth. So it's
a spectrum of like the level of it to how
long it lasts, Like it's all across the board. But
that's ultimately how I got better. I don't know like
what one thing was the thing. I think stopping the
(07:33):
breastfeeding is probably the most powerful thing because I was
like taking the antidepressants for a minute and they weren't
doing a thing, and that was the only thing that
like really really shifted me. And I think like the
structure and like the interaction and communication with like the
doctors and the other women like really like put like
structure and just my day was like filled, so I
(07:54):
was able to like not think about the depression as much.
So I think that really helped. But yeah, I mean
it's like my recovery is like loaded with privilege, like
that program in itself, Like you have to have medical insurance,
you have to It's like you have to be chosen
to be able to like get in it. Like there's
so much stuff it's access right, Like it's yeah, and
(08:17):
this is so unfair, Like if this situation like has
made me so enraged about like how women and specifically
like pregnant women and mothers are treated in this country,
Like I need to do something about it, and like
I know how hard the situation was for me, but
(08:37):
like I know that this was like this happened for
a reason, and like I'm gonna change women's lives because
of this, and like I don't know how yet, but
like I'm going to, and like it's just so unfair,
Like it's really unfair.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
I also think being able to acknowledge that, because I
think so many people just go, you just have to
go into a program and you just need to get
on medication and just have access to and it's like
it's just not I think being able to acknowledge that.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
And also I also think sharing your story.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
I mean, this is really vulnerable and dark and deep,
and so many people just are like I don't want
to talk about it because regardless of where if it's
shame or guilt or whatever they're feeling, keep it to themselves,
as opposed to going like, hey, we're in this together,
and at some point if we both experience the same thing,
we can help each other feel more seen, which is
(09:29):
I mean, you had me you had all these other people,
but no one understood what you were going through.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
We're just like, yeah, just be it, be happy, you
know what. You just almost want to be like wait,
why is it so bad? Like I want you to
laugh again, you know.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
And it's like finding that community of women who were
navigating something so personal and scary that and having that
is so invaluable. Like I think that people should at
the very le least have access to talk to people
who are going through that, which I feel like you're
kind of creating a community, yeah, for women to talk
(10:07):
about it.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
Yeah. Yeah, I mean I and I don't know what,
Like I've started sharing on my social media, like my experience.
I started a substack and shared my and wrote down
my experience with postpart depression, which actually was really like
therapeutic because I had never like really condensed it together
(10:29):
and like wrote it out and I was like, oh,
this is what happened. Like it felt really good to
do that. And I've been able to connect through social
media with so many women going through this, and I think,
like my doctor even told me, she was like, you're
going to come out of this like so much better
than before, and like trust me, you're going to do
something with that, And I was like, okay, like I'll
give it, giving her an I'm sure grying in the corner.
(10:53):
And it's true, like I feel very I haven't felt
so passionate about something in a really long time, you
know me, Like I'm always like the little like get her,
like go get her, Like I'm like, let's build a business,
let's do this. Let's like this is like kind of
like my thing right now that I'm really really excited
about for so many reasons. But I don't know. I
think it's like and I even wanted to come on
(11:14):
here and talk about it even though it's like it's
hard because it's like it's yes, it's talked about, but
like not enough in my opinion, and not in a
way that's like clinical. You know, it's like all it
is very clinical or really from a doctor from like
not from the perspective of like someone real going through it,
and like real lived connection was the thing that I
(11:35):
think was so important in my healing.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
So so nine weeks go by, you stop pumping and breastfeeding,
you feel like you're yourself coming back. Yeah, in a
totally new way though, like a very different version of yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
It was like waking up from a nightmare, like the
only way I spent like nine to ten weeks being
chased by like a lion.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
Literally, Oh, I was gonna say. I remember asking you
like because you couldn't really explain to me what you
were feeling, because I was like.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
What do you feel? Are you or is it like sadness?
Are you? I don't get the why aren't you sleeping? Part?
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Yeah, And then you explained it like when someone jumps
out at you and scares you, that initial feeling of
fear and panic, but like all the time, which sounds like.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Hell hell yeah. It was like yeah, that like rush
of like adrenaline and fear twenty four to seven. Like
I was just like like I had like picked my
nails raw, I was like biting them. I was like
so fidgety, Like I had so much like tension, and
it was not only mentals really physical for me too,
like I had like body aches and pains and like jitteriness,
(12:46):
and like it was hormones are a crazy thing, like
it really really is. And I think Jennifer Lawrence went
on a podcast for like The New York Times and
she said she had literally the same experience as me.
She breastfoot she was breastfeeding, and she was weaning, and
she completely crashed out. And she she said on that podcast,
(13:07):
which I think after I had explained it to people,
I had listened to that, so I don't think I
had gotten it from her, but who knows. Thing's a
little bit of a blur. But she said it felt
like being chased by a tiger twenty four to seven
all day long. Yeah, and that really like it was
really relatable to hear that that's so scary. That sounds horrible,
(13:28):
like a horrible feeling. Yeah. And then that's why, like
I couldn't sleep because it's like and you're just like like,
you know, being scared over and over and over again. Yeah.
So you come out of it and you're and Remy
is and that's like it's kind of worked out in
the sense that like Remy was just such a baby
that he was just doing his Moto Man anger spells
(13:51):
but he didn't know what was going on. No, And
I I in the mix of it, though, I was
like I felt so much guilt. I'm like, oh my god,
like I'm doing the postpart ofs of preussion, like he's
going to be so affected by this, and and like
he had so much love around him. He had my friends,
he had my parents, he had his Carson's parents, like
he had Carston, like he was just he had our
(14:13):
nanny meem like he was taking care of the prince
was fine. And I think like people had to tell
me that, like he's doing fine. You're not doing it fine,
you gotta get better, Yes, because he's chilling. Yeah, he's
he's totally okay. And I think that like helped me
get through this because I was really like concerned with,
(14:35):
you know, his outcome, because of like how the state
I was in, and he was so young. You know, No,
he doesn't, he doesn't. You don't like remember anything before
five or something. Yeah, I think my first memory is
from like kindergarten or something. Fine, we're not worried about him.
(15:08):
But where we now, we are in a place of pleasure. Pleasure.
I have never felt better in my life, Like I
am genuinely so happy. I'm still on lexapro, yeah, but
I am on the very very very smallest dose, which
we have discussed. You have always had a level of
(15:31):
anxiety that, you know, affected small things like daily life
things and then flying and you know all the things
that bring it up. I ran a little interies. Yeah,
so you may have always needed a small dose of
the liking. So I'm like, my doctor's like, you can
go off a year and a half postpartum. That's kind
(15:52):
of like her time frame for when like the hormones.
Oh just so I like six more months, Okay, a
year and a half postpartum, but we'll see, like when
I get there and I'm not ready, then I'm not ready,
and then I continue totally on the lex Yeah that.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
You're on lexapro small, You've you've and you also did
that in a very safe way of like waning.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Oh that's like really important that you Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Yeah, and you love being a mom.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
I love being a mom. It's so crazy. I literally
was like.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
I'm not in some way, but I was just like
out of all my friends, there's just yeah, well you
decided you wanted to have kids.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
I was just like, no way, Ally's gonna have kids.
Like she's not like maternal, She's not like maternal is
the word. I'm not maternal nurture.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
I'm like a little cold ice queen, a nasty cold
ice queen. And we're like this to each other where
we barely hug, like we'll hug about you. Yeah, Okay,
that's enough, you know. Yeah, and it's been so fun. Well,
even like before obviously it got dark, Like even that
part of it, I.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Was like, wow, she really stepped into this role so naturally. Yeah,
it's been so fun to watch you do it because.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
I love it. Yeah, Like I have never felt more
like passion or excitement or like like I feel at home.
You know. It's like I was so homesick. Now I
feel so home home at home. Yeah, he's so cute.
I've had to worry.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
I've never had to work so hard for a child
to like me. Then of course my best friend's baby. Yeah,
he's not sure about you.
Speaker 1 (17:32):
No, last time he was like into me. Yeah he
was Indie last time. But he's he's a he's a
prickly little fella. Yeah, very attached to you. I wish
I should have brought him. What are your thoughts on?
Speaker 2 (17:49):
That would have been a fifteen minute podcast. What are
your thoughts on? Okay, I want to talk about this.
Was I should have asked this before? But finding out
the gender because there's a lot of conversations about you know,
gender disappointment and having you know, expectations of what you
think your life is going to look like as a parent.
And I want to do to talk about that a
(18:10):
little bit.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Yeah, okay, so I feel like correct me if I'm wrong.
I think every girl wants a girl. I don't know
really okay, majority, let's say majority. I think like when
you think of having a baby, you kind of just
think of like what you know, you know, what it's
like to be a girl, grow up as a girl,
and blah blah blah blah. So I kind of just
(18:31):
like in my I was like, I'm a girl, I
have girls, Like I don't know how I'm not creating penises,
Like how would I ever create one? But when I
found out, okay, so I control issues. I did the
what is that thing called that? I did, like the
really early you basically like get this thing in the mail,
you prick your finger or like you prick your arm
(18:53):
and you do the blood like this is at like
five weeks.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
She was the most impatient. I felt like you were
pregnant for three years because you found out so early.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
For everything. Yeah, I mean I found out. I was
pregnant like three and a half weeks. I found the
gender out at like four weeks, like it was yeah,
it was sentenced, so anyways, mail it in and it's
it's like, okay, be careful about getting like male DNA
on it because that can like shift the thing. I
have three male pets, I live with my husband. Obviously,
my brother comes over, like there's men in my life.
(19:23):
So I was like, okay, I gotta be super careful.
So I do it. I mail it in. It comes
back and also like uneventful. We kind of just like
opened it up on the thing and were and it
said mail and we both were like, no, I don't
think so, I don't know. There's no way like literally
(19:43):
fifty fifty and I was like Brooks. I was like,
Brooks got licked me and his DNA gone on it.
This could probably have been the start of some hormonal
issues happening. And I was like, yeah, that's why. So
I didn't believe it. Did I even tell you that
it came back mail? Yeah, oh I did, but I
(20:05):
was just kind of like, that's insane. Let's just wait
till so then I yeah, no, I know, And then
got the real like the NP I t blood test
where they do it and also mail confirmed shocking confirmed.
I did. I did find on like a Reddit forum
that like a lot of people had it like, wasn't
(20:25):
right the beginning one? Yeah, that makes sense, Yeah, because
there's a lot of room for error when you're testing
yourself in your laboratory, in your bathroom laboratory, they have
your blood. Simple, yeah, you's got that. Now, we don't recommend.
I don't know what is it called, and I google it.
It's a thing. Yes, I don't know. I think at
(20:49):
first I was like a boy. I think there feels
like a lot of pressure of like especially in today's climate,
like raising a man, a man, a full blown man,
like there's gonna be a man in my home. Like
I think that when I think that's a man in
your room? Oh another man? Two men, yeah, two men.
(21:15):
I don't know. I think I think I felt this
immense amount of like oh my god, this like you know,
like a girl. It's like you braid hair and you
do ballet and it seems just really like easy. I
love that you think you're like a girl who does
ballet and like super girly, which is like I feel
like all of my friends were like, you're such a
boy mom. Yeah, it actually makes total sense. Yeah, but
(21:38):
I did a video on this from this I don't
know this creator's name, but she did this video about
there's not my take on it is. It's not boy mom,
girl mom, it's raccoon mom versus unicorn mom. This is
so crazy. Yeah, And like you either have a raccoon
baby or you have a unicorn baby. The unicorn baby
is like they go to they sleep through the night
(21:59):
at five weeks really and they're chill and like, I
feel like a lot of that stereotype is associated with
girls and then boys are raccoons. But I have seen
some girl raccoons and I've seen some boy unicorns.
Speaker 2 (22:11):
I think, Yeah, I think it's very dependent on the
child and has nothing to do with gender.
Speaker 1 (22:16):
Yeah, and I have a full blown raccoon. He is
like full blown, but I like I am a raccoon,
so therefore I have a raccoon baby, right right, But
I yeah, I would say I was like mixed feelings
finding out like I I again, I think I just
pictured myself like having a girl, and I think that's
like common. But looking back, like a pregnancy, like it's
(22:39):
fifty to fifty. You can't control it. Like any healthy
baby is a blessing and a miracle, and like who
cares about the gender. And also like we do need
we need good people raising good men like me little
nasty witch, ye nay witch, just raising good men exactly.
And I love I am a boy mom, so like you,
(23:02):
there's a mom of a boy and then there's boy
mom mom. There's like weird attachment to their son that
you're like, yeah, we need Remy to have some He's
fine now because he's a baby, but as things progress,
like if he brings home like someone who's dating, and
you're like, I'll be good about that. Okay, yeah, I'll
(23:24):
be open to that. I think I think I see
myself like in sports, and like I think I'm gonna
get like into it, going to be like fighting people
in the ballroom. Yeah, like yelling at refs. Yeah, him
like playing baseball and stuff.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
It's so cute.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Okay, So he just turned one. You're so happy or
so like made for this. After the pregnancy you had
and then going through postpartum, you were like, I will
absolutely not do this. I can I don't think I
can do this.
Speaker 3 (23:55):
Again.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Oh yeah, I was like, there's never no, but now
that he's one, we're we're there's chit chat about our
number two baby too. Curiosity brewing, which I told I
literally is like you're talking. Oh yeah, you know you
were like, what did you just say that you're going
to be pregnant November?
Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, like just round two starties in that way. But
what what are your hesitations around? Is it because you
want another baby? You just the fear of the pregnancy
being hard and the postpartum of it all.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Yeahs you I'm a little traumatized. Yeah. So when you've
had postpartum depression in one pregnancy, you're more likely to
get it in the second, or the chances are higher
than just like an average person who's never had it.
So it's probably like sixty to seventy percent chance that
I would get it again. It's high. Yeah, you can
(24:47):
go into it like already on antidepressants, and you can
you know, be more prepared for it. But there were I.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Also feel like you kind of knew, like and it's
again a hindsight thing of knowing. Okay, if I start
feeling the drop, I yeah, I can give the baby
formula without yeah, or like.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Just don't breastfeed, Like there's things that like I can
do to like, you know, prophilactically. Is that the word?
Big word? That's a big word for this podcast. I
think that's the right word, you know, to to better prepare. Right,
So there's that, Yeah, being pregnant, being so sick. I
think also like I don't want to miss out on
(25:25):
his like toddler years and like he like I don't know, say,
like I could be one and done. I think that's
really beautiful and magical too. I think having a second
is also really exciting. I don't know. I don't know
what I'm gonna do. I really am like I need
to go see the psychic again. Although she said soul,
she said souls. Maybe there's another pet? Yeah, so no
(25:51):
way too many pets right now. Yeah, I don't I
don't know what I'll do. I I do. I I
want a second? You want to second? Will you be
my surrogate? No?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
No, but lovingly no, I don't know. You need to
ask someone who's had easy pregnancies. Don't put that first
time are in for you.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Actually, I don't think you can be a surrogate if
it's your first time, Yeah, because I don't know what
will happen. Yeah, but is that something you can consider?
I mean, yeah, I would love that, Like that sounds
like a dream. But that's like wildly expensive. I think
it's like two hundred thousand dollars to have a surrogate.
You also have to go you know, you have to
go through IVY if you have to go through like
(26:35):
it's not easy to get that done either. I mean,
but could you imagine just like here's a little baby,
like you're not you don't have to go through all
the No, I really can't it.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
The only thing I can equate it to is getting
Phoebe and me taking her hoping, like I have to
keep this little tiny thing alive.
Speaker 1 (26:54):
Yeah, and I mean mine. I just think women that
are surrogate, it's like wow, like what a.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Honestly, women are amazing women and are amazing single moms.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
I've always had I've always been like, while.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Single moms are incredible, But I think when you went
through what you went through and thinking about someone not
having access to help or having support around them, or
being you know, by themselves having to work and support it,
it made me realize the significance of like heroic, just
(27:30):
like how heroic a single mom and women are in general,
Like yeah, like.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
We're too quiet about it. We need to be a
little more. We need to be a lot louder about what, yeah,
women do. And I was reading this thing about how
the United States is like one of the only like countries,
like one of thirty eight countries that doesn't provide like
(28:00):
national like post maternal health care and like time off,
which is just wild, like and in only like one
fourth of companies provide like PTO or something like that
for for women. It's crazy. Yeah, So it's like you're
expected to have a baby and then like immediately go
(28:22):
back to work or work without pay.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
Yeah, it's it's unreal. Okay, I know you said you
wanted to you had some questions for me.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Do you have those or get Okay, I'll take a break.
We'll take a break.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
And we'll come back with questions.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Now we're back. Wow, Like that's so funny because that's
a joke. Tanya and I do to fight to say
say we're back first, So good job. So you think
I listened to the podcast, you know, I know.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
I was gonna A lot of people had questions, which
we covered a lot of the things that people were
asking about. A lot of people were asking about our
friend dynamic with you being my manager as well.
Speaker 1 (29:22):
And I feel like we've probably.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Touched on this since when you were here last, but
a lot of people were wondering if there's ever been
like a conflict, conflicts or hard things.
Speaker 1 (29:34):
I can't remember a time that we had. I mean
it's like the you know, it's I'm always like can
you post more? Can you you know, but like I
don't know, do you recall a conflict. I feel like
one time you were going to remember this when you
were going to sign someone else that was gonna be
(29:56):
like like more competition for me to get and I
was just kind of like what, oh, I'm just trying
to think okay, yeah, and and we just like had
kind of it wasn't an argument or anything. It was
just like, hey, like you're just being scorp and you
I was not being scored, being like, oh, if you
want to sign someone else and maybe I need to
(30:17):
find yeah new management, you know, like just being realistic
in a business sense, and you were you handled it
really well okay, yeah yeah, yeah that was a while ago.
And I think that's fair, And I think, yeah, I
mean I luckily or not, I don't know. I just
I feel like I have a lot of experience like
working with people and being friends with them. Yeah, I mean,
(30:37):
so do you Like you know, you work with Tanya
and she's your best friend, and like I think that
you're kind of either you can do it or you can't.
Like there's some people who can just do it, and
then there's others that just really can't. And I think
it's into like we have like our tech stream for work, right,
and then we have like you and my tech like
it's and we don't talk about work in that one,
(30:58):
but it's like you know what I mean, Like it's
it's we separate church and state, like really really well.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Yeah, And it used to be more where it was
a direct thing with you, so it was almost a
little more interwoven, where now there's more of a team
that's helping, that's more day to day so they kind
of have to handle me, like nagging me or like
being on I guess I should saynagging because of really
having to be on me because I can be delayed
(31:24):
and like responding and communicating someone else, like what's Becka
like working with is she hard to communicate with?
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Oh? I mean, can I be honest? Yeah? Yes, Like
it's crazy and I know you're sitting there on your phone.
So what's going through your head when you like don't
text back. I don't know. I think it's like a
sign of ADHD or something that is. Something can something
simple can feel overwhelming, really over like the thought of
just like responding can just be like too much. Yeah, yeah,
(31:52):
that's it. I don't really have other reasons that I can.
Could they received working on it, okay, I'll do that,
or like thumbs up it or something. I think it's
like when you text into the ABYSS and you get
nothing back. It's like it was like when I had
postponon depression, just talking to talking to a wall. Yeah, yeah,
that's good. I'll start like either emphasizing things or things
(32:15):
for bringing it up. We also have a tex stream
about like another area of her business. I've asked though,
where the other people on my team. I'll be like sorry,
and they're like, oh, you're like not the worst at all,
So don't trust that to you. Don't worry about it
Between me and them, they're lying when you were on
postpartum leaf. They're lying either like I think what's different
(32:39):
between you and like you you're really fun to work with.
I like you're different from other people, but like I
think you have a really you're really grateful and I
think that gratitude really shines through with like how you
treat people that you work with, And I think that's
really what's you know, like I mixed up for me. Yeah,
like she's just like ghosting us, but like you know,
she cares, but like just can't care right now. It's
(33:02):
hard because I also think.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
It's been so many iterations of social media and creating
content that it's you know, it started in one way
and it's advanced so much and it was like TikTok
came and then yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
I mean not been through.
Speaker 2 (33:18):
It's quite quite a luxury job and luxury position I'm in.
But I mean I think it's just sometimes there's that
burnout and you're just like I have hosts. Yeah, yeah, you,
I mean you have burnout too.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
Yeah. I think like yeah, when you We've talked about
this so many times. It's like that not that you're
getting validation from social media, but like your livelihood and
how you make money is based on social media, right,
Like it's like just like a lot of pressure and
it's like your work, Like if you go to your job,
you can like log out of your job. You can't,
like I mean you can log out of Instagram. But
(33:51):
like it is just right, always on right, and it's
like it's I think people like, oh, I'm so jealous
of content creators and this and that, but like I
don't know of be it at the end of the day,
like it is. It takes a certain amount of grit,
Like I don't know how, I don't know what the
right word is, but it's like being in the spotlight
(34:11):
takes a certain amount of like you just have to
be off. Yeah, I mean so I would be like
i'd cry. Well.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
I think that's that's part of the journey, especially that
I've had where it was being on the Bachelor and
having people just have opinions of not liking me just
because they were rooting for someone else to end up
with the guy, and then you kind of go through
that of you know, why do people not like me?
I haven't done anything, and then just navigating it's just
a TV show, and then dating Haley and then coming
(34:41):
out and expecting that reaction as well.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
You kind of just and then having people close to
me have reactions to me coming out you kind of go,
what's the worst a stranger can say?
Speaker 2 (34:53):
You know, kind of shifts your perspective. But I also
think that comes with age too. You just kind of go,
who are they? These are not real?
Speaker 1 (35:01):
In my mind, I'm like, these are not real people
because real people want to come up and say this
to you to your face. Yeah, what is the relationship
on the para social? Para social? Parasocial? It's like a
really interesting one. Like it like, you know, it feels
close though, like it feels like a friendship, but when
it feels when it's friendly, it feels real. But that's
(35:23):
a good way to like, what was the girl that
said the other the other week? Wow? Not even that
nobody cares? No one cares, which I literally did laugh
out loud. I mean that's so funny because I every
time I go to post, I'm like, no one cares?
I voice was that you actually? Yeah, troll account my
(35:43):
burner account. No, it's when you post your like drawings
or your questions on your stories. That's what I'm always like, No,
why what are you doing. Are you okay?
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Yeah, what questions did you have for me?
Speaker 1 (35:57):
Well? Are you going to have kids? Well? You guys
so back and forth on I mean, we're very much
like no right now, but we're not one hundred percent no,
but we're like definitely past fifty percent of being no. Okay.
Speaker 2 (36:12):
I think we I think it's a fun season because
so many people close to us, our friends, are having babies,
so we're getting to have We're getting to watch it
happen and see the highs and the lows up close.
Speaker 1 (36:26):
But I think every.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Time we spend time with kids, we go home and
we're kind of like, Okay, we're really happy with our life.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
You know, last night I was like looking at your
maybe it was Haley's story, your story, and I saw
you sitting there with your red light mask on. Yeah,
and I like, in my other hand have like my
Nanit monitor and Remy's like screaming, and I'm like, bro,
like if I could just sit with my red light
mask on and just chill for a little bit, but yeah,
gotta go rock the boy like I think it it. Yeah,
(36:56):
you live a very your life is cozy.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
It's very comfortable, and it's very like we do whatever
we want, we have time to do whatever we want,
and I just don't feel my thing is I know
that if we had a kid, I would it would
be my everything, like the child would be my everything everything.
And I also, which I wanted to talk about, I
know that would ultimately affect my relationship with Haley because
of your like your relationship changes once you have I mean,
(37:21):
just naturally, I think you can come back, but for
a chunk of time. I think you have to be
really intentional about that. And I just I love our
relationship and I love our life, and I love the
quiet you know I do.
Speaker 1 (37:33):
And I love I just love.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
We're both on the same page about it, so it's
not one hundred percent no, but we're very content right now.
But I was going to ask what the shifts of
like your partner and relationship with person.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
I think, I mean, you only have like so much
like love in your heart, or like you only have
so much you can give at any one time, and
so like when so much is required of the baby,
there's like less like whatever gas in your tank, like
capacity capacity, and so like that is gonna shift things.
(38:08):
It's also like you know, the sexual side of it,
like you're ripped up, you're torn you like, you know,
like they say you can have sex after six weeks,
but I'm sorry, like I was still leading it. Yeah,
Like it's just unwell down there, like you know, it's
like it's that the physical part of it changes a
little bit. Your body's different, like your so much is
(38:29):
You're just so different, you know. But I feel like
we're we're just like a really good team, like we
really are, like we really compliment each other well, and
like it's we're not like fighting more. We're not like
having issues or anything like that. I think it's just
it's just it's just different because there's like this like
one more person to love in the relationship, yes, and
(38:49):
keeping alive, like you're literally having.
Speaker 2 (38:52):
To give so much energy to yeah loving a baby,
but also survival.
Speaker 1 (38:57):
Yeah, I mean you have to like ask if you
can go to the bathroom, like can I go to
the bathroom? Like you got him? Like you know, it's
like that, it's just the freedom is gone. Yeah. So
it's just like the dynamic changes. You can't just go
poop when you need to poop, no, no cereal in
them poop. Yeah, that's a lux that's a luxury, that is,
you've given up. Yeah, well it'd be like that. People
(39:19):
were asking about Randy and Cline. Oh naturally, I mean,
when is the last time that we've actually so let me.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
Tell you about what happened with the Randy and Cline.
When we started Randy and Cline, Allie was not quite
as pairing in terms of how she presented to the world.
That is, Yeah, because then when you started, when you
were single.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
Oh, so then she got she was in a relationship
long term before Carson, and she was just free as
the wind post. I could post anything about her, she
would not care.
Speaker 2 (39:59):
Yeah, And then she got out of that relationship and
she was in her hot girl era.
Speaker 1 (40:05):
I was so hot, and she would she would just
and we like, do a reel of just that footage.
Are you being hot? Yeah? No, just a brandy. And
so when I would try to get her to participate
in Randy Incline, it was, yeah, I was she would spiral.
We would do something and it would be really funny,
and then she would say, I look ugly, which is
the whole point now, I know. I mean, yeah, I
(40:30):
think there's like, okay, I'm dressed as like a guy
and like with a mullet. But then it's like I
also was like I think it was a point in
my career two where I was like a business I
was trying to be a business whatever, and so I
was kind of getting like pressure. I don't know, I
just like I felt like weird about it. I would
go full Randy now, like I I feel like I'm
(40:53):
so open on social media, like right, like I don't know, yeah,
but that just came back. Oh yeah, and it's a
it's a newer thing for me. So now that I'm
over all of that and like my looks and my beauty,
I am open to bringing Randy and climb back. Okay,
I just don't know, Like I don't even know where
(41:16):
I think. I really I think, yeah, I definitely don't
have any Do you have my shorts? I can reorder
some things for you.
Speaker 3 (41:22):
It's going to go.
Speaker 1 (41:24):
But what's funny is that like whole look is like
I feel so many girls are doing that now. I
feel like they're bachelorettes and stuff. Did we start that
or is that I want to claim it? I kind
of do, but I don't I don't remember seeing other
people do like we invented. Like I hadn't seen that,
Like we made that up right, and now they call
it like the barbecue Dad or something like that. I
(41:46):
literally feel like once a week someone is doing a
bachelorette and that's what they're dressing at. Yeah, it's a classic.
We used to get like tagged in that type of content. Yeah,
they they've gotten the original text. That we've lost the
original text. Okay, I think I think we need to
claim that back.
Speaker 2 (42:04):
Yeah, I agree, So I'll order some stuff and we'll
get back into that. What are some unexpected things about motherhood,
(42:27):
both positive and negative, that you were surprised about?
Speaker 1 (42:30):
Hmmm. I think everyone said, like, like your pets, like
you're the dynamic changes with your pets, and I was like, no,
like that'll never happen. It does change the dynamic with
your pets. I was surprised that happened to me. It's
a weird one to choose, but like, I just want
(42:51):
to talk about that because you love Bobe more than
like life. Yeah, nothing would ever changed that. And and
well if you care so much about your dog, like
I know, i'd be upset. I'd be scary obsessive, so obsessive. Yeah, boy, mom,
(43:13):
what else? I mean, I don't know. I feel like
it's all just like a crapsh Like, I don't know,
it's all crazy. It's nothing is what I expected. Nothing
is what I like thought it was easier than you
thought it would be.
Speaker 2 (43:24):
Mmmmm like that you were like, oh, I was kind
of scared about this and teething.
Speaker 1 (43:33):
Oh, like I was definitely afraid of teething okay, and
knock on wood like, I mean it's like raugh a
little bit that I would not say, that's like the hardest.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
Oh, you're so lucky. I've heard really like nightmare things
about teeth.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
I'm like, am I just like waiting because I think
you got a moler already and he like there was
a little a day or two of like some madness,
but like that, for whatever reason, like always scared me.
I think it was a lot more stuff like in pregnant,
like epidural and oh what is that like glucose like
test that everyone freaks out. Yeah, Like I feel like
I was like made to be so afraid of that,
(44:08):
which a breeze. Yeah, I don't know, I haven't been.
Speaker 2 (44:13):
Like, I mean, obviously you went through something really traumatic,
but there wasn't There hasn't been anything in general of
motherhood that you've been shocked by either way other than
the pets.
Speaker 1 (44:23):
Yeah, do you make the amount of bouncing that would happen?
Like I have bounced my ass off while not technically
speaking because it's like larger than ever, but like I
bounce all day and all night, like on a medicine ball.
I didn't know that was like part of motherhood, like
to get him to sleep, to calm him down, Like
(44:43):
it's a multipurpose solution, the bouncing.
Speaker 2 (44:47):
No, it is kind of crazy though that you could
have another baby and it and never bounce again.
Speaker 1 (44:52):
Yeah, I think don't most people bounce? Well, you have
the you know, I can't do that when I'm holding Bobe. Really, yeah,
I'm not. I don't have that like rhythm to do that.
I tried to do it the other night with him,
and he like goes up and he like starts to
like dance. I'm like, no, it's not the right to
feel like if I don't have my ball or my tools,
like I cannot get him to sleep. And I think
(45:12):
sleep is a big one, right, Like I think that
there's like but there's a lot of like pressure and
talk about sleep and it's like how you get them
to we have not done sleep dream where you look
like cry it out and stuff. Is that controversial? Yes,
that's so controversial. There's such like a party that's like
do it. It's the best thing that's ever like, well
happened to you to Then other people are like they're
(45:34):
only young ones. It's horrible. Like there's so very left
and right camps on that.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
I just think my whole thing of observing and watching
people is that certain things work really well for some
people and the baby, and certain things that are completely
opposite work for the next family. Like I think it's
the I think it's scary to be a parent on
social media right now because everyone's got an opinion of everything,
(46:02):
and it's also obviously their space for community and that's
really beautiful. But at the end of the day, people
have an opinion on anything you do.
Speaker 1 (46:11):
Yeah, yeah, that's tough. No, that is tough, Like I
think likely yeah, like when our parents were parenting, like
they probably what is that book? Like everyone had liked
like chicken Soup for the soul, but like it was
like I would love to chicken say the soul. We
read that Oh my gosh, I don't know. It was
this parenting book that basically everyone had in like the nineties,
(46:32):
and I feel like that's all they had. They didn't
have the Internet, they didn't like they could call a friend,
but they you're kind of just like raw dogging it
and like that's you like read or you talk to
a doctor. Yeah. I feel like that was what you did.
And like you could argue that that makes parenting easier
now than all the access, or you could say it
makes it harder.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
Yeah, because there's the opposite things.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
You get paralyzed in decision. Yeah, And I think that
was a problem with me. It's like I couldn't make
decisions on stuff because I was hearing from so many
different angles. Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
I would feel overwhelmed by that someone said, please let
her know how much her transparency about her experienced postpartum
means someone with.
Speaker 1 (47:11):
That, I I think that it. Well, one in seven
women goes through postpartum depression. They say, like the stats
are even more like one in five because a lot
of it goes like undiagnosed or undocumented. It's a lot
of women. It's a lot of women like that is. Yeah,
it's and I feel like being vulnerable about all of
(47:34):
it has been healing for me, So I like sharing
about it.
Speaker 2 (47:37):
I bet, Like, I mean, I feel like there's freedom
and expressing those things because it can feel scary because
it's so personal and vulnerable, but it also it makes
people go like, oh my gosh, me too, me too,
me too, and you just create like that sense of
oh my gosh, I'm not alone. And I think a
big part of depression and postpartum what it seems like
is that feeling of being alone and like no one.
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Gets it, no one gets it, and like you're the
worst case ever and like you'll never get better. Yeah,
And I think like actually hearing stories of women getting
better from postpartum depression was like so like warmed my soul,
Like I would just sit there. Actually ordered this book
from Amazon about all these like personal stories and essays
(48:21):
of women that had postpun depression that got better and
they like they like sentim in and like it's like
literally written in the eighties or something like I don't know,
but it was like I loved reading it. I mean, yeah,
that's that's so hopeful. I mean, that's the.
Speaker 2 (48:34):
Main thing you need when you're going through something like that.
I would imagine someone said, how are you balancing work
life and you know, being a mom.
Speaker 1 (48:43):
I always thought this would be like really really difficult,
But I feel like it's like when I'm at work
and I'm present, like and I'm in front of my computer,
like I am just like I'm head down, get it
done because I know, like my reward at the end
is like being with Remy and hanging out with him,
and like I just want to get everything done and
do it right. Yeah, so I feel like it's actually
(49:04):
like motivated me to be like working harder. I don't know,
like I I still feel really like motivated in my career.
I love what I'm doing. I yeah, I'm feeling good
about it. But there's there's times where I'm like, hey,
I got to go because I got to go to
the doctor with Remy or I got to like you know,
I and I am grateful I have that flexibility in
(49:26):
my career and in my company is like you know,
I founded it and my co CEO is a female
and a mom, and like it's mostly a women operated
company and so we we love motherhood and we love
mothers and so I think that that helps us be
like more flexible and have that kind of like entrained
(49:46):
in our culture.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
How do you feel like our friendship has changed since
having a baby?
Speaker 1 (49:53):
Was that a question or you just wanted someone asked, Oh,
that's emotional? Really? I think so? I think you really
see who shows up for you when you're at your
your deepest, darkest moment. You really do. Because it's easy
to be friends with someone that's happy and giving, but
when they're dark and can't give anything, you really see
(50:17):
who shows up for you. So I think I'll be
like forever changed in the way that you showed up
for me just by like coming, like just coming. I
remember that night you came over, like and we made
what did we make? Cookies? Cookies be goes. I think
I was just sitting in the corner crying, wasn't I?
And you were like like afraid of me. But I
(50:39):
think it was just like your presence, your warmth, your care,
like you showing up every every day, you showed up
for me, You checked in on me, you even just
a little hey thinking about you, like I will never
think of you the same, like never think of you
the same, like your your family to me. You're like
you are a sister to me. I love you like
(51:00):
I thank you, like you got me out of something
so deep and dark, and I think, I don't know,
it's just like forever going to change how I feel
about you. Wow, that's emotional. I didn't give you his
family to your like my sister.
Speaker 2 (51:17):
And I'm just so it's so like healing to have
this full circle of like you being on the podcast
and sharing this and being so on the other side
and so happy and so like joyful in this phase
of your life, and like getting to watch you step
into the role of being a mom has just been
like the coolest thing. And I was so scared of
(51:38):
being like, oh no, I'm losing you know. It's like
everyone talks about your and I get it. I mean like, like, yeah,
life changes and your focus is now, your attention is elsewhere.
But I also feel like we have so much banter
and text throughout the day that and I get to,
you know, see him and be a part of your
life with him, and it's been so fun and I'm
(51:58):
just I'm so grateful and it's been a really fun phase.
Speaker 1 (52:01):
And I'm totally open to you having two or having one,
whatever you want, and I'll be there through it all. Okay, yeah,
yeah that'll be we'll see, we'll see what happens. Yeah,
there's no pressure because I actually I don't feel any
I mean I think that's like a like people are
(52:22):
always asking like when are you gonna have number two?
Or what are you thinking? Like it's just like everyone
asks that and like I just don't know. I don't know.
That's how I feel.
Speaker 2 (52:31):
I mean when people ask me about kids, I don't
I never am like frustrated. I'm just like people are
just curious because it's like the stages of life and
what you do, and obviously we're not getting younger, so
it's kind of like.
Speaker 1 (52:41):
Hey, like you doing this your eggs? I don't know.
I've thought about it.
Speaker 2 (52:44):
I go back and forth on it because I know
people who have done it, and you know it's a
process and then you have them, and I feel like
it would be smart for me to have that insurance.
Speaker 1 (52:57):
Have you gotten like your eggs like scanned or anything?
I know, and you should start with here.
Speaker 2 (53:02):
I am I'll the psychic and God just like Pomeranians
Pomeranian souls waiting for me.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
I mean, if I was a psychic, I would say
I see soul waiting for just one soul really just
a singular. The thing is is I I feel very
confident with being like I feel very maternal, and I
do feel very nurturing, and I know I would, like
I said it would that would be my whole life.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
But I also am just realistic about where I'm at
and wanting that. And it's such a decision for us,
you know, like it's such a process to go through
of like you know, finding a donor, freezing our eggs,
doing all the things, and that's just it's it would be,
it's it would be a huge choice to make, you know,
(53:51):
and when it be like, let's just see what happens
and try. So I think that's another part of it too.
We really have to really be sure. I think you'd
be so happy with whichever.
Speaker 1 (54:02):
Yeah, that's how I feel. I'll genuinely like saying that
about you, Like I think you and you're going to
be like an aunt to so many and already are
an aunt to so many. I am aunt Becca, Yeah,
and so you're gonna get that like you know, relationship
with children regardless. Yeah, and they're they're yours as well
their mine, and then I give them back. Yeah when
(54:24):
you want to go to sleep.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
Yeah, maybe those are the souls waiting for me to
be the aunt. Thank you so much for coming on.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and open and sharing
the good, the bad, all the things, the nasty, the
nasty of yourself.
Speaker 1 (54:39):
Thank you for having me. I love scrubbing in. Longtime listener, well,
longtime listener, yeah or what is it, longtime listener, longtime
fan or something. Now it's like first time follower, longtime listener.
I don't know. Hard to say. This was fun though,
Thank you, Thank you everybody for listening. We hope it
was informative and we love you so much. By my
Hosts And Creators
Tanya Rad
Rebecca Tilley
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