March 31, 2026 • 26 mins
What if forgiveness isn’t about the person who hurt you, but about your own peace?
Can anger be a disguise for deeper feelings like guilt or betrayal?
Is it possible to forgive without ever speaking to someone again?
How do you release trauma that keeps looping in your body and mind?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, Radhi explores forgiveness as a one-person process, a choice made for your own healing, not for anyone else. She explains why forgiveness must be voluntary and intentional, and how societal pressure can make it feel performative.
Radhi also distinguishes between “big T” trauma, like abuse or loss, and “little t” daily grievances, sharing stories from survivors and her experiences in Rwanda after the 1994 genocide. She breaks down how anger can physically manifest and keep you tied to past pain.
The episode walks you through the four stages of forgiveness: Hate, Hurt, Understanding, and Release — practical steps to untie the emotional knot and reclaim your peace.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why forgiveness is for you, not them.
- The difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.
- How anger can hide deeper emotions.
- Why trauma can show up physically in your body.
- The four-step framework to release pain.
- How daily practice of forgiveness can free your nervous system.
Forgiveness is not a single moment — it’s a process of reclaiming your power and choosing peace.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
A Really Good Cry. I hope you've had such a wonderful,
wonderful week. So I recently shared a video of me
speaking on a podcast about forgiveness. The essence of it
was that you don't always have to tell the person
who hurt you that they hurt you, and where you
get relief from in those situations is not usually where
the pain came from. Really and truly, it was talking
(00:21):
about forgiveness being a one person process, not a two
person process. That you can forgive someone without honestly them
even knowing that they've hurt you, and sometimes without having
to have a conversation about it. Now, it was really
amazing because it sparked up so much great conversation in
the comments, and I read all of those read the comments,
and there was so many people saying, no, you absolutely
(00:43):
have to tell the person when they've hurt you, like
if you don't tell them then things can't change, And
there was a lot of debate on that, to be honest,
So there are some people who could really relate to
what I was saying, and other people who are really
enraged by it, and honestly, I could see and understand why,
because for some people, when something really different has happened,
telling the person feels like it is part of the
process of getting over it, of letting go of it,
(01:05):
of maybe forgiving them. So I think it's really dependent
on the situation. I think when I was speaking about it,
I meant in certain situations, when you know saying something
actually isn't going to make any difference to the other
person and then are going to change their ways, that's
when you have to decide it is a one person process,
and I'm going to let go of this. I'm going
to forgive that person, not for them, but for me,
(01:27):
because sometimes we don't want to face that person, sometimes
that person is no longer here to even tell them,
and sometimes even communicating with that person, even if it's
to tell them about the pain they've caused, feels like
we're crossing a boundary that we don't want to and
feels like we're giving them the power bag. So, in
all honesty, when I think about forgiveness, I think that
there's two kinds. There's forgiveness with these traumas with the
(01:50):
little tea, and by that I mean the day to
day issues that we go through. There's smaller pains, the discomforts,
the disagreements, the ones we go through regularly as humans.
But then they're the big T trauma forgiveness, and that
kind of forgiveness requires a lot from the person, and
that's things like abuse, murder, and all the things in between. Now,
I can't say that I've been through any of those
(02:12):
big T traumas, so any advice that I would try
to give you on it, it wouldn't feel right for
me to give advice on that. So I actually took
from conversations that I've had with friends, with people that
have spoken and open up to me about the big
T traumas that they've been through and how they have
reacted to forgiveness, how they have reacted in those situations.
(02:33):
I've had friends and family that have sadly been through
quite a lot of big T traumas, and I wanted
to share some of their stories and hopes that it
brings clarity to your process and your journey in forgiveness
and sheds light on what can come from forgiven, even
if it feels out of reach right now, even if
forgiveness isn't a word you want in your vocabulary I
(02:53):
completely understand, but I hope that this episode helps you
to start on that journey, not for anybody else, but
for yourself. So when I was writing this, I looked
up definitions of forgiveness, and I really love this on
the most. It said forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary, being
important process of releasing deep seated feelings of resentment, anger,
(03:13):
and vengeance towards someone who has caused harm, regardless of
whether they deserve it, Facilitating personal healing and mental peace.
I think the key words for me here are voluntary
and personal healing and mental peace. When I was reading
articles online, I think that the thing that stuck out
to me the most was just how suffocating this idea
of forgiveness can be for people who've been through really
(03:35):
difficult times, this feeling of duty of society expecting you
to forgive, because it makes people feel really uncomfortable if
someone has a lot of anger. It makes people feel
really uncomfortable if someone isn't on the path of forgiveness,
if they have decided no, I actually want to hold
this in me, and I'm choosing to keep this anger
in me because it feels protective, that feels uncomfortable to
people because you're used to being in a society where,
(03:57):
even if you don't mean it, you say it's fine,
I forgive you, I forgive you for everything that you've done.
I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, and
saying sorry often when we don't mean it too. I
don't think a forgiveness can ever be commanded or demanded.
It has to be an act that is sacred, and
it has to come from a place of a free heart,
someone choosing to forgive someone without persuasion, without duty, and
(04:18):
the moment forgiveness is demanded, it ends up not being pure.
It becomes performative, and it becomes something that actually doesn't
impact that person forgiving or the person being forgiven in
the same way. And you know what, there might actually
be circumstances where people feel forgiveness actually is not the
path that they feel is right for them. Whether it's
(04:39):
a person that's been through sexual abuse, they feel more
empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive. They
might come to terms with the situation, but they don't
want to forgive that person. And I think every single
person has a right to decide whether or not they
forgive another person, it should not be unexpected from anyone.
There are so many beautiful examples of people who have
(05:00):
forgiven others for horrendous crimes, whether it's shootings or killing
their child. They've seen so many things in the news
and read all these books where it talks about these
stories of horrendous things happening and people forgiving the person
on death row for that crime, or sharing forgiveness with
someone who is really repenting for what they've done, and ultimately,
(05:22):
forgiveness gives someone peace or healing.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
There can be no action too severe for forgiveness.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
If for you it brings peace in your heart, and
if for you it brings clarity and a path forward,
then you should never feel like there is anything too
big that's too difficult to forgive if you feel you
can get something more positive from doing so. There's this
author who wrote a whole book on forgiveness, and he
talks about why people resist forgiveness. He said, most people
(05:48):
choose not to forgive because I'm gonna makes us feel powerful.
Resentment ends up feeling like protection, like a boundary between
you and the person. But he pointed out that you
do not need to hold resentment and to keep a
boundary and letting go is not losing control in that situation.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Either. Someone to share a story with you.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I have a friend who has been through sexual abuse,
and I remember her saying to me that forgiving the
person was the biggest act of self love and the
greatest gift that she could have ever given herself. She
said that when she went through years of working through anger,
she realized that it was actually a cover for the
deeper emotions that she was feeling. She was feeling guilty,
(06:27):
she was feeling embarrassed that that had happened to her.
There were so many other emotions that were coming up
for her, and anger was just the way for her
to express it.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
It was easier way to express it.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
And I've heard this so many times, and I've really
started noticing in my life anger is always a secondary emotion.
You don't often just feel angry. If you're angry that
someone's done something to your friend, you feel her, you
feel betrayal, you feel all these different things and all
these different emotions, But usually anger comes from a deeper
seated emotion or a deeper seated place in your heart.
(07:00):
And I thought that was so powerful what she said
that she saw forgiving someone as an act of self
love for herself, and she said the anger was just
eating her up inside. And I think that's what anger does,
you know. I shared this post about how different emotions
show up in the body, and so many people responded
saying they've experienced that in themselves. The anger, you just
(07:23):
feel it eating up the inside of your body, like
it's just so difficult to process anger. It's such an
undigestible emotion. And it's so interesting because in our Vader
it says that anger it gives headaches and the head
and it creates acid reflux and so much heat in
the body. And so actually, all these emotions they don't
(07:43):
just live in our subconscious or in you know, this
imaginary world. They actually manifest in our physical body too.
And so when you're thinking about letting go and forgiving,
it really is such a youthing. And I know people
say that it's a forgiveness is do it for yourself.
It's not about the other person. But you really have
to believe that to start that process, especially when something
(08:06):
really difficult has happened to you, because forgiveness can end
up feeling like you are letting go of the situation
or it's acceptable what that person's done to you. But
one thing that can help is trying to reframe that.
But forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is a self love
practice that I'm doing for me. It has nothing to
do with the other person. It's about how it's affecting
my physical body, my mental state, my relationships, the way
(08:29):
I move through life. And so a big part of
this is rewiring how you see forgiveness and what forgiveness
is linked to in your mind. Forgiveness is untying the
knot still binding you to that person. It's basically cutting
the tie. And if you think about it, when you
don't forgive someone, that means you're still kind of holding
them in your body or your heart or your mind
in some way, which means we end up saying emotionally
(08:50):
bound to these people. So something that you probably want
to release, let go of in your mind and not
associate with. Unfortunately, anger and the lack of forgiveness ends
up keeping you tied to that person. It creates these
invisible ties that you're finding really difficult to cut. Sexual
abuse is one of the hardest circumstances someone would go
(09:11):
through as a human And even though she absolutely had
the right to hold onto the anger, even though she
would be fully justified, absolutely fully justified in doing that,
she chose not to. She chose not to carry that
weight with her, not to experience the rest of her
life through the filter of that pain of the anger,
and not to let that experience or that person have
any more control over her. So, actually, forgiveness and letting
(09:34):
go for her was taking away the power from that
person that her. He's already taken away so much, he
doesn't get to have the rest of my life. And
I remember her saying that to me, and I was like, wow,
it's so true. This person has taken away a year
of two years, three years of your life. But am
I going to let this person dictake the rest of
my life. I'm going to keep this person in my
(09:55):
mind for the rest of my life, this point of pain,
this point of destruction in my life. I'm going to
let it continue throughout my life. And that was a
choice that she decided to make. She did not want
to continue that in her life, and so, of course
it took a lot of work, which I'm going to
go into later. What it actually takes to forgive someone
in this type of situation, but the work was worth
(10:17):
it for her, it really was. And she feels like
she's just changed the trajectory of her life. And I've
seen it with my own eyes, and she really has.
And it's so beautiful to see. You know, where we
decide to forgive and where we don't, whether it's in
the smaller things every single day, or whether it's in
these big ways, it really determines how we see and
speak about the past and how we move into our future.
Another really incredible example of forgiveness that I experienced was
(10:39):
when I went to Rwanda a couple of years ago.
And for anyone who doesn't know, there was a genocide
that happened in Rwanda literally not long ago. I think
it ended in like nineteen ninety four. That generation still
exists there. It's not even an older generation. It is
a young generation that has experienced their parents being killed,
their families being killed, and.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
In very, very brutal ways.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
I went to the museum there and it was so
overwhelming to see the amount of people that died, but
also how aggressive and intense it was. And it is
beyond imagination to be honest, it was incredible to see
and hear from people who had their neighbors killing their parents,
(11:23):
and how they've chosen to forgive, How this next generation
that has come has chosen to build, rebuild community, to
have compassion for each other, to forgive for the most
unthinkable things, for the benefit of society, for the benefit
of their community, for the benefit of their children, and
(11:44):
to perpetuate.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Love and not hate.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
And that was bizarre sy something that I've never experienced before,
and I don't think has really happened in the world before,
where this community had chosen to not let that anger,
that aggression that happened in that moment in time dictate
how they connect to people after. There were two tribes
who lived there, and the Tutsi tribe, they went through
(12:09):
a complete genocide. Over one million lives were lost, one
million in that short period of time. So it was
really fascinating experiencing that in the community and hearing people
talk about that, because obviously that's something that we all
struggle with in the world at the moment, there's so
many things happening, But to see this level of forgiveness
within such a short period of time, since it ended
(12:30):
in nineteen ninety four. It was incredibly beautiful to see
and so touching to hear the stories of people who
reconciled and created harmony and community after that. So when
I was reading about forgiveness, I read about different stages
of forgiveness, and this, honestly, what I'm about to share,
felt like the most useful and impactful process. I kind
(12:52):
of took from all these different processes and these different
stages that people recommended, and I created these four stages
that I think forgiveness really fits into.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
So the first stage is hate, and.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I think sometimes the trigger for many people when they
hear forgiveness is that it implies you can't carry the hate,
that it leaves no room for the hate that you're feeling,
the negative emotions that you're feeling. It's like when you
think when you start forgiveness or you're saying that you're
about you're forgiving someone, the negative emotions just have to disappear,
and that's not realistic. So I actually think hate is
the first stage of forgiveness because it's important and it's
(13:27):
even a necessary stage forgiveness. In order to actually forgive,
I think you have to give yourself time to have
an intense and passionate reaction to the person and what's happened.
You have to let your mind run with the thoughts
and let your heart run with the feelings. And more
often than not, this looks and feels like anger. So
I think giving yourself space and not pushing yourself out
(13:49):
of these negative and inverted comments because I don't think
the negative emotions, these extreme emotions that you're feeling, allow
them to be extreme. Allow your mind to like think
of every situation, every thought, every opinion that you have,
every single thing that's going through your mind that feels aggressive,
that feels angry, Give yourself the space and time to
feel it, because if you don't feel it, it will
(14:10):
sit in you, or it will bury itself beneath somewhere
in your body. And it's better to just experience it
now as you're feeling it, go through the emotions. Not
acknowledging this and suppressing it can actually just set deeper
into your subconscious and then it comes out in ways
that you won't even expect five years down the line,
ten years down the line. So I think, without experiencing
(14:32):
these emotions of anger and whatever else you're feeling, it's
impossible to genuinely forgive someone because then those feelings are
just hiding somewhere and they're waiting to come out, and
they'll come out the worst time possible, probably in the future.
And so really allowing yourself to write it out, to
explore it. Sometimes you won't even understand it. Understanding may
(14:53):
not be part of this stage. Actually, I think it's
just experiencing, experiencing the utmost anger that you are feel
and allow it to flow through you. Stage two is hurt.
Anger is easier than pain. Like I said before, feeling
angry often feel safer than feeling deep pain. It's actually
an act of courage to feel the deep, deep hurt.
And I think that's actually where people stop because feeling
(15:14):
the pain too deeply is just too painful. Like it's
so hard feeling her. There's one thing about anger, and
the thing is if you stay in anger for too long,
it can become bitterness. And the bitterness just becomes a
way of living, the filter through what you see life
and experience life through. But her, to her really requires
you to open your heart out to actually allow your
heart to break, and that takes so much vulnerability, so
(15:39):
much work. My friend who says she was able to
forgive that I mentioned earlier. She said that feeling the
pain and unraveling it was the most emotionally painful and
physically draining time in her whole entire life. And trust me,
this girl has been through a lot. I have another
friend who had a physically abusive father from a young age,
and to this day I can see and feel her
(16:00):
anger through the way that she lives life. She's found
it so difficult to let go of things as much
as she wants to. She's struggling and the reaction she
has to things, even the way that she responds when
her dad's name is mentioned. She's been trapped in her
hatred for so long, for so many years. Whenever I
ask her if she feels like talking about it or
if she has ever tried to, she says, I don't
(16:21):
think I can go back there. I don't think I
can talk about it or work through it because it
will literally break me. I don't think I can experience
that again. I don't think I can go through the pain.
And so her fear of heartbreak and feeling those feelings
of upset is more scary to her than living through
this bitterness or the anger that she's living her life through.
But unfortunately, I think it's only when you allow your
(16:44):
heart to break in that way that you can pass
to the third stage of forgiveness, which is understanding. So
the first part is really about feeling a lot, which
can be hard. It can be the most draining thing
to go through. The emotions anger, her pain, all the
hardest emotions to go through. But then that can bring
you to the stage hopefully of understanding meaning making making
(17:04):
meaning of what's happened in some way, not excusing it
or justifying it or minimizing it, but really understanding and
what happened to you, how it shaped you, what it's
affecting and impacting in your life. Basically exploring what has
this incident, what ripple effect has it created in my life?
What other ripples in my relationships and my work, in
(17:25):
my mindset, in my fear on a day to day basis,
what exactly, every single day has this one incident impacted
throughout my life? What rippuls has it created? And so
this is really the stage where you stop and you
ask why did this person do this or why did.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
This happen to me?
Speaker 1 (17:44):
And you can have all the most bizarre responses to it.
I can't even imagine what would go through someone's mind
who's been through something like that. But ask yourself, why
did they do this? I'm really trying to think about
the person, and it could be just that they're bad
people and not nice people, and that they don't respect
human life and that they don't respect women or whatever
(18:04):
it is. But trying to find in your mind coming
to a conclusion of why that person from in their
own mind might have done that, and then asking what
did it do to me? What impact did this have
on me? And so you're really naming the losses that
you felt in life from going through that and identifying
what was taken, whether it's safety, innocence, trust, voice, time,
(18:27):
really seeing how the trauma shaped your patterns, your reactions,
your relationships. But remembering that understanding does not mean understanding
the person that hurt you or makes sense of what's happened.
It just makes you less confused by your own life.
You create meaning to it in your own way doesn't
mean that that's the reality of it. But you're able
to come to terms with it and come face to
(18:49):
face with it and find some sort of understanding that
helps you move on. As long as it helps you
move on, it's good. If you're finding that it's actually
taking you backwards or going through through that is a
bit too painful, maybe you're not ready for this staga,
or maybe you're maybe trying to unpack it and unravel it.
Isn't what's good for you and isn't what makes you
feel better about the situation. One thing's for sure that
(19:11):
the more you understand yourself, the less control you'll feel
others have over you. And so understanding how you feel
about this situation is a key part to this that
can come from journaling therapy. There are so many amazing
therapists now that focus on different types of trauma and
so really going to someone who can help you through
specifically what you've gone through or the issues that you're
(19:34):
having somatic work. I've just seen so much healing happen
from that, especially if you're finding it difficult to tap
into your emotions. Sometimes we want to go there when
we really want to get to the root of things,
but we've got so many blockages, a lot of them
being protection. Our body protects us, our mind protects us
from going to places that are too difficult. I've had
so many stories of people. I actually had someone on
(19:55):
my podcast, Gabby Bernstey, and she came on the podcast
and she said that she had realize that she'd gone
through sexual abuse until way later in her life. I
think it was in the last couple of years where
a memory got unlocked through doing somatic work, through doing
these specific practices. And imagine your mind locks up so
many things out of protection for you, and so sometimes
(20:18):
we may want to reach those emotions, but we're finding
it difficult too, and so we need help to get
there and to really work through it. One thing that
really helped me through forgiving in my life has been
writing letters to people, but not sending it to them.
So I'll write out everything that I want to say,
everything that I'm feeling about the person, about the situation,
but I don't send it. Sometimes just putting pen to
(20:40):
paper and actually getting it out on a page felt
like healing enough. I didn't feel like I needed to
open up the wound again by speaking to the person
or sending it directly to them. So letting that conversation
flow out of you and onto paper is something that
can really help.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
And another thing that.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Can be really beautiful is is rewriting your future story,
trying to imagine a life where what would my life
be like if I wasn't impacted by this, Like, how
do I see?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
How did I envision my life going? How do I
envision my life being?
Speaker 1 (21:06):
And realizing that you can rewrite that story in a
way that doesn't have to be shaped by that experience.
What would it take for you to get to that point?
I love this quote that I've been reading and seeing
everywhere at the moment, and it's if you can overthink
all the bad things that could be what if you
overthink the possibility of all the good things that could
happen instead? And so when you've been through difficult times,
it's easy to think about all the other bad things
(21:27):
that could happen. It's so natural because you're in protection mode,
but starting to think, but what about all the good
things that could happen? What if I just wondered for
a little while about all the good things that could
happen in my life and start trying to create more
of those thoughts in those visions rather than the ones
tainted by what you've already gone through in the past.
I really think that this stage is probably the longest
(21:48):
stage and the stage that requires the most from you. Also,
I know that this feels really crappy and difficult too,
because not only has something difficult happened to you, but
now you have to do the work to undo or
so at times it might feel like you're the only
one suffering in this, even when you didn't do anything wrong.
But the fact is that this effort is for you,
(22:08):
not for the other person or not for the situation
that happen, And that's what you have to keep reminding
yourself of that this is for me. I'm doing this
for me. This whole process is for me to feel
happier and healthier and better in my heart and better
in my relationships. And so I think having that as
a reminder for yourself every single day is really important.
And by the way, these stages apply, whether it's small
(22:30):
things that have happened or the larger traumas that have happened,
all these stages are the same, whether you go through
them within a day or even an hour. In your mind,
you can go through this process pretty quickly. If it's
something small that you're trying to forgive or trying to
work through. Stage four is release. Now, this is the
moment that you decide that this person, this experience, does
(22:52):
not get to narrate the rest of your life. And
so in your mind, release will look like telling yourself
this story no longer hijacks my nervous system. The name
no longer changes the way that you think or breathe.
Their memory exists, but it doesn't control you. This is
where I think what my friend said really sticks out.
He already took so much for me, he doesn't get
(23:12):
to take the rest of my life. And that's really
what you're doing in this releasing stage. Forgiveness does not
have to mean reconciliation. There is a huge distinction, and
I think sometimes people think once I've forgiven, that means
I should try and create a relationship with that person again,
or try and mend the relationship, and depending on what
the situation is. But forgiveness is such an internal and
(23:33):
personal thing, and reconciliation is mutual and conditional. And so
you can forgive someone fully and choose not to have
them in your life. I think that's really important. You
can forgive someone fully and choose not to speak to
them ever again. But you can also forgive someone and
choose to have them in your life and not feel
bad about it. And you can choose to forgive someone
and give them a second chance and not feel bad
(23:54):
about it.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
And so I think it's important to remember.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Both sides where I don't feel bad if you choose
to reconcile with someone or if you do choose to
forgive someone and have them back in your life, but
it's also okay not to. You do not owe someone
reconciliation just because you've chosen to forgive them. So, whether
it's a big T trauma or a little ty trauma,
I think the journey has no time frame. Some may
take days, others may take years and years of going
through this process over and over again. There's just so
(24:18):
many layers to it, and it can show up in
completely different ways. Even when you feel like you've let go,
it can creep back in through another trigger. I think
forgiveness is a constant, daily practice, and it's definitely not
an easy one. You can forgive someone and still for
waves of grief and anger and sadness years later by
a trigger that was so unexpected. You shouldn't feel like
that you're not healing. If you still get triggered, or
(24:41):
that you haven't done this process properly. Forgiveness doesn't mean
that your nervous system never reacts again. It means that
you now do not organize your life around the wound anymore.
Forgiveness isn't about being a good person. It's just about
being someone who feels free in their mind from an
experience that's happened to them, and that you're not carrying
that weight throughout your whole life. I wanted to share
(25:01):
a quote from the book that I mentioned I had
read earlier, and it says to forgive is to set
a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
And so what I think he means by that is
really through forgiveness, you're not setting anyone else free except
for your own mind, except your own body, and you're
allowing yourself to create a new path for yourself, like
(25:22):
you end up becoming a prisoner of your own anger,
of your own emotions if you hold them in you,
but choosing to let them go is a loving practice
you can do for yourself, choosing to be a forgiving person,
especially if it's in these little tea things, like the
little things that happened day to day if you're collecting
them over time and building resentment that sits so heavy
in you, And do you really want to do that
(25:44):
for the rest of your life or do you want
to be someone who forgives easily lets go? And yes,
pain may come a little bit more to you and
you may end up feeling a little bit more hurt
in life through it, but having this process of constantly
being able to forgive and move forward I think helps
to go through life feeling a lot lighter. Sending your
(26:04):
so much love. If you are someone who's been through
a lot of difficult times in your life, I am
saying a prayer for you in my mind, whoever you are.
I hope that you make it through this forgiveness journey.
I hope that it's easier than you thought it was
going to be. And if it is really difficult, I
hope you have the support and the love and the
care that you need around you. There are so many
amazing places and therapists that people can go to to
(26:27):
help you through this work. I'll try and share some
of those things on a really good cry when we
release this episode. So a bit of a heavy topic
wasn't it, But sending you so much love and I
hope you guys have such a wonderful week
Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
A Really Good Cry. I hope you've had such a wonderful,
wonderful week. So I recently shared a video of me
speaking on a podcast about forgiveness. The essence of it
was that you don't always have to tell the person
who hurt you that they hurt you, and where you
get relief from in those situations is not usually where
the pain came from. Really and truly, it was talking
(00:21):
about forgiveness being a one person process, not a two
person process. That you can forgive someone without honestly them
even knowing that they've hurt you, and sometimes without having
to have a conversation about it. Now, it was really
amazing because it sparked up so much great conversation in
the comments, and I read all of those read the comments,
and there was so many people saying, no, you absolutely
(00:43):
have to tell the person when they've hurt you, like
if you don't tell them then things can't change, And
there was a lot of debate on that, to be honest,
So there are some people who could really relate to
what I was saying, and other people who are really
enraged by it, and honestly, I could see and understand why,
because for some people, when something really different has happened,
telling the person feels like it is part of the
process of getting over it, of letting go of it,
(01:05):
of maybe forgiving them. So I think it's really dependent
on the situation. I think when I was speaking about it,
I meant in certain situations, when you know saying something
actually isn't going to make any difference to the other
person and then are going to change their ways, that's
when you have to decide it is a one person process,
and I'm going to let go of this. I'm going
to forgive that person, not for them, but for me,
(01:27):
because sometimes we don't want to face that person, sometimes
that person is no longer here to even tell them,
and sometimes even communicating with that person, even if it's
to tell them about the pain they've caused, feels like
we're crossing a boundary that we don't want to and
feels like we're giving them the power bag. So, in
all honesty, when I think about forgiveness, I think that
there's two kinds. There's forgiveness with these traumas with the
(01:50):
little tea, and by that I mean the day to
day issues that we go through. There's smaller pains, the discomforts,
the disagreements, the ones we go through regularly as humans.
But then they're the big T trauma forgiveness, and that
kind of forgiveness requires a lot from the person, and
that's things like abuse, murder, and all the things in between. Now,
I can't say that I've been through any of those
(02:12):
big T traumas, so any advice that I would try
to give you on it, it wouldn't feel right for
me to give advice on that. So I actually took
from conversations that I've had with friends, with people that
have spoken and open up to me about the big
T traumas that they've been through and how they have
reacted to forgiveness, how they have reacted in those situations.
(02:33):
I've had friends and family that have sadly been through
quite a lot of big T traumas, and I wanted
to share some of their stories and hopes that it
brings clarity to your process and your journey in forgiveness
and sheds light on what can come from forgiven, even
if it feels out of reach right now, even if
forgiveness isn't a word you want in your vocabulary I
(02:53):
completely understand, but I hope that this episode helps you
to start on that journey, not for anybody else, but
for yourself. So when I was writing this, I looked
up definitions of forgiveness, and I really love this on
the most. It said forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary, being
important process of releasing deep seated feelings of resentment, anger,
(03:13):
and vengeance towards someone who has caused harm, regardless of
whether they deserve it, Facilitating personal healing and mental peace.
I think the key words for me here are voluntary
and personal healing and mental peace. When I was reading
articles online, I think that the thing that stuck out
to me the most was just how suffocating this idea
of forgiveness can be for people who've been through really
(03:35):
difficult times, this feeling of duty of society expecting you
to forgive, because it makes people feel really uncomfortable if
someone has a lot of anger. It makes people feel
really uncomfortable if someone isn't on the path of forgiveness,
if they have decided no, I actually want to hold
this in me, and I'm choosing to keep this anger
in me because it feels protective, that feels uncomfortable to
people because you're used to being in a society where,
(03:57):
even if you don't mean it, you say it's fine,
I forgive you, I forgive you for everything that you've done.
I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, and
saying sorry often when we don't mean it too. I
don't think a forgiveness can ever be commanded or demanded.
It has to be an act that is sacred, and
it has to come from a place of a free heart,
someone choosing to forgive someone without persuasion, without duty, and
(04:18):
the moment forgiveness is demanded, it ends up not being pure.
It becomes performative, and it becomes something that actually doesn't
impact that person forgiving or the person being forgiven in
the same way. And you know what, there might actually
be circumstances where people feel forgiveness actually is not the
path that they feel is right for them. Whether it's
(04:39):
a person that's been through sexual abuse, they feel more
empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive. They
might come to terms with the situation, but they don't
want to forgive that person. And I think every single
person has a right to decide whether or not they
forgive another person, it should not be unexpected from anyone.
There are so many beautiful examples of people who have
(05:00):
forgiven others for horrendous crimes, whether it's shootings or killing
their child. They've seen so many things in the news
and read all these books where it talks about these
stories of horrendous things happening and people forgiving the person
on death row for that crime, or sharing forgiveness with
someone who is really repenting for what they've done, and ultimately,
(05:22):
forgiveness gives someone peace or healing.
Speaker 2 (05:25):
There can be no action too severe for forgiveness.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
If for you it brings peace in your heart, and
if for you it brings clarity and a path forward,
then you should never feel like there is anything too
big that's too difficult to forgive if you feel you
can get something more positive from doing so. There's this
author who wrote a whole book on forgiveness, and he
talks about why people resist forgiveness. He said, most people
(05:48):
choose not to forgive because I'm gonna makes us feel powerful.
Resentment ends up feeling like protection, like a boundary between
you and the person. But he pointed out that you
do not need to hold resentment and to keep a
boundary and letting go is not losing control in that situation.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Either. Someone to share a story with you.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
I have a friend who has been through sexual abuse,
and I remember her saying to me that forgiving the
person was the biggest act of self love and the
greatest gift that she could have ever given herself. She
said that when she went through years of working through anger,
she realized that it was actually a cover for the
deeper emotions that she was feeling. She was feeling guilty,
(06:27):
she was feeling embarrassed that that had happened to her.
There were so many other emotions that were coming up
for her, and anger was just the way for her
to express it.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
It was easier way to express it.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
And I've heard this so many times, and I've really
started noticing in my life anger is always a secondary emotion.
You don't often just feel angry. If you're angry that
someone's done something to your friend, you feel her, you
feel betrayal, you feel all these different things and all
these different emotions, But usually anger comes from a deeper
seated emotion or a deeper seated place in your heart.
(07:00):
And I thought that was so powerful what she said
that she saw forgiving someone as an act of self
love for herself, and she said the anger was just
eating her up inside. And I think that's what anger does,
you know. I shared this post about how different emotions
show up in the body, and so many people responded
saying they've experienced that in themselves. The anger, you just
(07:23):
feel it eating up the inside of your body, like
it's just so difficult to process anger. It's such an
undigestible emotion. And it's so interesting because in our Vader
it says that anger it gives headaches and the head
and it creates acid reflux and so much heat in
the body. And so actually, all these emotions they don't
(07:43):
just live in our subconscious or in you know, this
imaginary world. They actually manifest in our physical body too.
And so when you're thinking about letting go and forgiving,
it really is such a youthing. And I know people
say that it's a forgiveness is do it for yourself.
It's not about the other person. But you really have
to believe that to start that process, especially when something
(08:06):
really difficult has happened to you, because forgiveness can end
up feeling like you are letting go of the situation
or it's acceptable what that person's done to you. But
one thing that can help is trying to reframe that.
But forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is a self love
practice that I'm doing for me. It has nothing to
do with the other person. It's about how it's affecting
my physical body, my mental state, my relationships, the way
(08:29):
I move through life. And so a big part of
this is rewiring how you see forgiveness and what forgiveness
is linked to in your mind. Forgiveness is untying the
knot still binding you to that person. It's basically cutting
the tie. And if you think about it, when you
don't forgive someone, that means you're still kind of holding
them in your body or your heart or your mind
in some way, which means we end up saying emotionally
(08:50):
bound to these people. So something that you probably want
to release, let go of in your mind and not
associate with. Unfortunately, anger and the lack of forgiveness ends
up keeping you tied to that person. It creates these
invisible ties that you're finding really difficult to cut. Sexual
abuse is one of the hardest circumstances someone would go
(09:11):
through as a human And even though she absolutely had
the right to hold onto the anger, even though she
would be fully justified, absolutely fully justified in doing that,
she chose not to. She chose not to carry that
weight with her, not to experience the rest of her
life through the filter of that pain of the anger,
and not to let that experience or that person have
any more control over her. So, actually, forgiveness and letting
(09:34):
go for her was taking away the power from that
person that her. He's already taken away so much, he
doesn't get to have the rest of my life. And
I remember her saying that to me, and I was like, wow,
it's so true. This person has taken away a year
of two years, three years of your life. But am
I going to let this person dictake the rest of
my life. I'm going to keep this person in my
(09:55):
mind for the rest of my life, this point of pain,
this point of destruction in my life. I'm going to
let it continue throughout my life. And that was a
choice that she decided to make. She did not want
to continue that in her life, and so, of course
it took a lot of work, which I'm going to
go into later. What it actually takes to forgive someone
in this type of situation, but the work was worth
(10:17):
it for her, it really was. And she feels like
she's just changed the trajectory of her life. And I've
seen it with my own eyes, and she really has.
And it's so beautiful to see. You know, where we
decide to forgive and where we don't, whether it's in
the smaller things every single day, or whether it's in
these big ways, it really determines how we see and
speak about the past and how we move into our future.
Another really incredible example of forgiveness that I experienced was
(10:39):
when I went to Rwanda a couple of years ago.
And for anyone who doesn't know, there was a genocide
that happened in Rwanda literally not long ago. I think
it ended in like nineteen ninety four. That generation still
exists there. It's not even an older generation. It is
a young generation that has experienced their parents being killed,
their families being killed, and.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
In very, very brutal ways.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
I went to the museum there and it was so
overwhelming to see the amount of people that died, but
also how aggressive and intense it was. And it is
beyond imagination to be honest, it was incredible to see
and hear from people who had their neighbors killing their parents,
(11:23):
and how they've chosen to forgive, How this next generation
that has come has chosen to build, rebuild community, to
have compassion for each other, to forgive for the most
unthinkable things, for the benefit of society, for the benefit
of their community, for the benefit of their children, and
(11:44):
to perpetuate.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Love and not hate.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
And that was bizarre sy something that I've never experienced before,
and I don't think has really happened in the world before,
where this community had chosen to not let that anger,
that aggression that happened in that moment in time dictate
how they connect to people after. There were two tribes
who lived there, and the Tutsi tribe, they went through
(12:09):
a complete genocide. Over one million lives were lost, one
million in that short period of time. So it was
really fascinating experiencing that in the community and hearing people
talk about that, because obviously that's something that we all
struggle with in the world at the moment, there's so
many things happening, But to see this level of forgiveness
within such a short period of time, since it ended
(12:30):
in nineteen ninety four. It was incredibly beautiful to see
and so touching to hear the stories of people who
reconciled and created harmony and community after that. So when
I was reading about forgiveness, I read about different stages
of forgiveness, and this, honestly, what I'm about to share,
felt like the most useful and impactful process. I kind
(12:52):
of took from all these different processes and these different
stages that people recommended, and I created these four stages
that I think forgiveness really fits into.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
So the first stage is hate, and.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I think sometimes the trigger for many people when they
hear forgiveness is that it implies you can't carry the hate,
that it leaves no room for the hate that you're feeling,
the negative emotions that you're feeling. It's like when you
think when you start forgiveness or you're saying that you're
about you're forgiving someone, the negative emotions just have to disappear,
and that's not realistic. So I actually think hate is
the first stage of forgiveness because it's important and it's
(13:27):
even a necessary stage forgiveness. In order to actually forgive,
I think you have to give yourself time to have
an intense and passionate reaction to the person and what's happened.
You have to let your mind run with the thoughts
and let your heart run with the feelings. And more
often than not, this looks and feels like anger. So
I think giving yourself space and not pushing yourself out
(13:49):
of these negative and inverted comments because I don't think
the negative emotions, these extreme emotions that you're feeling, allow
them to be extreme. Allow your mind to like think
of every situation, every thought, every opinion that you have,
every single thing that's going through your mind that feels aggressive,
that feels angry, Give yourself the space and time to
feel it, because if you don't feel it, it will
(14:10):
sit in you, or it will bury itself beneath somewhere
in your body. And it's better to just experience it
now as you're feeling it, go through the emotions. Not
acknowledging this and suppressing it can actually just set deeper
into your subconscious and then it comes out in ways
that you won't even expect five years down the line,
ten years down the line. So I think, without experiencing
(14:32):
these emotions of anger and whatever else you're feeling, it's
impossible to genuinely forgive someone because then those feelings are
just hiding somewhere and they're waiting to come out, and
they'll come out the worst time possible, probably in the future.
And so really allowing yourself to write it out, to
explore it. Sometimes you won't even understand it. Understanding may
(14:53):
not be part of this stage. Actually, I think it's
just experiencing, experiencing the utmost anger that you are feel
and allow it to flow through you. Stage two is hurt.
Anger is easier than pain. Like I said before, feeling
angry often feel safer than feeling deep pain. It's actually
an act of courage to feel the deep, deep hurt.
And I think that's actually where people stop because feeling
(15:14):
the pain too deeply is just too painful. Like it's
so hard feeling her. There's one thing about anger, and
the thing is if you stay in anger for too long,
it can become bitterness. And the bitterness just becomes a
way of living, the filter through what you see life
and experience life through. But her, to her really requires
you to open your heart out to actually allow your
heart to break, and that takes so much vulnerability, so
(15:39):
much work. My friend who says she was able to
forgive that I mentioned earlier. She said that feeling the
pain and unraveling it was the most emotionally painful and
physically draining time in her whole entire life. And trust me,
this girl has been through a lot. I have another
friend who had a physically abusive father from a young age,
and to this day I can see and feel her
(16:00):
anger through the way that she lives life. She's found
it so difficult to let go of things as much
as she wants to. She's struggling and the reaction she
has to things, even the way that she responds when
her dad's name is mentioned. She's been trapped in her
hatred for so long, for so many years. Whenever I
ask her if she feels like talking about it or
if she has ever tried to, she says, I don't
(16:21):
think I can go back there. I don't think I
can talk about it or work through it because it
will literally break me. I don't think I can experience
that again. I don't think I can go through the pain.
And so her fear of heartbreak and feeling those feelings
of upset is more scary to her than living through
this bitterness or the anger that she's living her life through.
But unfortunately, I think it's only when you allow your
(16:44):
heart to break in that way that you can pass
to the third stage of forgiveness, which is understanding. So
the first part is really about feeling a lot, which
can be hard. It can be the most draining thing
to go through. The emotions anger, her pain, all the
hardest emotions to go through. But then that can bring
you to the stage hopefully of understanding meaning making making
(17:04):
meaning of what's happened in some way, not excusing it
or justifying it or minimizing it, but really understanding and
what happened to you, how it shaped you, what it's
affecting and impacting in your life. Basically exploring what has
this incident, what ripple effect has it created in my life?
What other ripples in my relationships and my work, in
(17:25):
my mindset, in my fear on a day to day basis,
what exactly, every single day has this one incident impacted
throughout my life? What rippuls has it created? And so
this is really the stage where you stop and you
ask why did this person do this or why did.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
This happen to me?
Speaker 1 (17:44):
And you can have all the most bizarre responses to it.
I can't even imagine what would go through someone's mind
who's been through something like that. But ask yourself, why
did they do this? I'm really trying to think about
the person, and it could be just that they're bad
people and not nice people, and that they don't respect
human life and that they don't respect women or whatever
(18:04):
it is. But trying to find in your mind coming
to a conclusion of why that person from in their
own mind might have done that, and then asking what
did it do to me? What impact did this have
on me? And so you're really naming the losses that
you felt in life from going through that and identifying
what was taken, whether it's safety, innocence, trust, voice, time,
(18:27):
really seeing how the trauma shaped your patterns, your reactions,
your relationships. But remembering that understanding does not mean understanding
the person that hurt you or makes sense of what's happened.
It just makes you less confused by your own life.
You create meaning to it in your own way doesn't
mean that that's the reality of it. But you're able
to come to terms with it and come face to
(18:49):
face with it and find some sort of understanding that
helps you move on. As long as it helps you
move on, it's good. If you're finding that it's actually
taking you backwards or going through through that is a
bit too painful, maybe you're not ready for this staga,
or maybe you're maybe trying to unpack it and unravel it.
Isn't what's good for you and isn't what makes you
feel better about the situation. One thing's for sure that
(19:11):
the more you understand yourself, the less control you'll feel
others have over you. And so understanding how you feel
about this situation is a key part to this that
can come from journaling therapy. There are so many amazing
therapists now that focus on different types of trauma and
so really going to someone who can help you through
specifically what you've gone through or the issues that you're
(19:34):
having somatic work. I've just seen so much healing happen
from that, especially if you're finding it difficult to tap
into your emotions. Sometimes we want to go there when
we really want to get to the root of things,
but we've got so many blockages, a lot of them
being protection. Our body protects us, our mind protects us
from going to places that are too difficult. I've had
so many stories of people. I actually had someone on
(19:55):
my podcast, Gabby Bernstey, and she came on the podcast
and she said that she had realize that she'd gone
through sexual abuse until way later in her life. I
think it was in the last couple of years where
a memory got unlocked through doing somatic work, through doing
these specific practices. And imagine your mind locks up so
many things out of protection for you, and so sometimes
(20:18):
we may want to reach those emotions, but we're finding
it difficult too, and so we need help to get
there and to really work through it. One thing that
really helped me through forgiving in my life has been
writing letters to people, but not sending it to them.
So I'll write out everything that I want to say,
everything that I'm feeling about the person, about the situation,
but I don't send it. Sometimes just putting pen to
(20:40):
paper and actually getting it out on a page felt
like healing enough. I didn't feel like I needed to
open up the wound again by speaking to the person
or sending it directly to them. So letting that conversation
flow out of you and onto paper is something that
can really help.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
And another thing that.
Speaker 1 (20:53):
Can be really beautiful is is rewriting your future story,
trying to imagine a life where what would my life
be like if I wasn't impacted by this, Like, how
do I see?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
How did I envision my life going? How do I
envision my life being?
Speaker 1 (21:06):
And realizing that you can rewrite that story in a
way that doesn't have to be shaped by that experience.
What would it take for you to get to that point?
I love this quote that I've been reading and seeing
everywhere at the moment, and it's if you can overthink
all the bad things that could be what if you
overthink the possibility of all the good things that could
happen instead? And so when you've been through difficult times,
it's easy to think about all the other bad things
(21:27):
that could happen. It's so natural because you're in protection mode,
but starting to think, but what about all the good
things that could happen? What if I just wondered for
a little while about all the good things that could
happen in my life and start trying to create more
of those thoughts in those visions rather than the ones
tainted by what you've already gone through in the past.
I really think that this stage is probably the longest
(21:48):
stage and the stage that requires the most from you. Also,
I know that this feels really crappy and difficult too,
because not only has something difficult happened to you, but
now you have to do the work to undo or
so at times it might feel like you're the only
one suffering in this, even when you didn't do anything wrong.
But the fact is that this effort is for you,
(22:08):
not for the other person or not for the situation
that happen, And that's what you have to keep reminding
yourself of that this is for me. I'm doing this
for me. This whole process is for me to feel
happier and healthier and better in my heart and better
in my relationships. And so I think having that as
a reminder for yourself every single day is really important.
And by the way, these stages apply, whether it's small
(22:30):
things that have happened or the larger traumas that have happened,
all these stages are the same, whether you go through
them within a day or even an hour. In your mind,
you can go through this process pretty quickly. If it's
something small that you're trying to forgive or trying to
work through. Stage four is release. Now, this is the
moment that you decide that this person, this experience, does
(22:52):
not get to narrate the rest of your life. And
so in your mind, release will look like telling yourself
this story no longer hijacks my nervous system. The name
no longer changes the way that you think or breathe.
Their memory exists, but it doesn't control you. This is
where I think what my friend said really sticks out.
He already took so much for me, he doesn't get
(23:12):
to take the rest of my life. And that's really
what you're doing in this releasing stage. Forgiveness does not
have to mean reconciliation. There is a huge distinction, and
I think sometimes people think once I've forgiven, that means
I should try and create a relationship with that person again,
or try and mend the relationship, and depending on what
the situation is. But forgiveness is such an internal and
(23:33):
personal thing, and reconciliation is mutual and conditional. And so
you can forgive someone fully and choose not to have
them in your life. I think that's really important. You
can forgive someone fully and choose not to speak to
them ever again. But you can also forgive someone and
choose to have them in your life and not feel
bad about it. And you can choose to forgive someone
and give them a second chance and not feel bad
(23:54):
about it.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
And so I think it's important to remember.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Both sides where I don't feel bad if you choose
to reconcile with someone or if you do choose to
forgive someone and have them back in your life, but
it's also okay not to. You do not owe someone
reconciliation just because you've chosen to forgive them. So, whether
it's a big T trauma or a little ty trauma,
I think the journey has no time frame. Some may
take days, others may take years and years of going
through this process over and over again. There's just so
(24:18):
many layers to it, and it can show up in
completely different ways. Even when you feel like you've let go,
it can creep back in through another trigger. I think
forgiveness is a constant, daily practice, and it's definitely not
an easy one. You can forgive someone and still for
waves of grief and anger and sadness years later by
a trigger that was so unexpected. You shouldn't feel like
that you're not healing. If you still get triggered, or
(24:41):
that you haven't done this process properly. Forgiveness doesn't mean
that your nervous system never reacts again. It means that
you now do not organize your life around the wound anymore.
Forgiveness isn't about being a good person. It's just about
being someone who feels free in their mind from an
experience that's happened to them, and that you're not carrying
that weight throughout your whole life. I wanted to share
(25:01):
a quote from the book that I mentioned I had
read earlier, and it says to forgive is to set
a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
And so what I think he means by that is
really through forgiveness, you're not setting anyone else free except
for your own mind, except your own body, and you're
allowing yourself to create a new path for yourself, like
(25:22):
you end up becoming a prisoner of your own anger,
of your own emotions if you hold them in you,
but choosing to let them go is a loving practice
you can do for yourself, choosing to be a forgiving person,
especially if it's in these little tea things, like the
little things that happened day to day if you're collecting
them over time and building resentment that sits so heavy
in you, And do you really want to do that
(25:44):
for the rest of your life or do you want
to be someone who forgives easily lets go? And yes,
pain may come a little bit more to you and
you may end up feeling a little bit more hurt
in life through it, but having this process of constantly
being able to forgive and move forward I think helps
to go through life feeling a lot lighter. Sending your
(26:04):
so much love. If you are someone who's been through
a lot of difficult times in your life, I am
saying a prayer for you in my mind, whoever you are.
I hope that you make it through this forgiveness journey.
I hope that it's easier than you thought it was
going to be. And if it is really difficult, I
hope you have the support and the love and the
care that you need around you. There are so many
amazing places and therapists that people can go to to
(26:27):
help you through this work. I'll try and share some
of those things on a really good cry when we
release this episode. So a bit of a heavy topic
wasn't it, But sending you so much love and I
hope you guys have such a wonderful week
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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