March 3, 2026 • 28 mins
Do you ever question whether someone in your life is truly your friend—or just playing the part?
Have you ever felt drained, confused, or quietly hurt by a friendship that looked good on the surface but didn’t feel right underneath?
And what if not every “fake” friendship is about bad intentions—but about misaligned expectations, capacity, and unspoken contracts?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, Radhi opens up about the nuance of adult friendships—how to spot red flags, how to recognize when something feels transactional, and why closeness isn’t always symmetrical. From navigating one-sided energy and personal gain, to understanding emotional capacity and silent expectations, this conversation invites you to reflect on your friendships with honesty and compassion.
Rather than jumping to “cut them off” culture, Radhi explores how communication, boundaries, and self-awareness can transform the way you relate to the people in your life. Because sometimes it’s not about labeling someone as fake—it’s about getting clear on what you need, what you’re giving, and what the relationship truly is.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why not all transactional friendships are toxic
- How to recognize when expectations are misaligned
- The difference between friendliness and true intimacy
- Why closeness isn’t always equal—and why that’s normal
- How to identify red flags like gossip and lack of reciprocity
- When to communicate, when to create boundaries, and when to gently step back
This isn’t about becoming colder or more suspicious. It’s about becoming clearer. Not every friendship is meant to be deep, and not every misalignment means someone is fake. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is reflect, recalibrate, and choose connection with both warmth and discernment.
Follow Radhi:
https://www.instagram.com/radhidevlukia/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ
https://www.facebook.com/radhidevlukia1/
https://www.tiktok.com/@radhidevlukia
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
a Really Good Cry. I must tell you that I
definitely had a really good cry just yesterday. Actually, sometimes
I feel like things pent up in me, and sometimes
I feel like I feel other people's emotions, and when
I'm around different things, I just think things build up.
(00:20):
And I needed to release that. And I've been working
out intensely and I have had a lot of work
things going on, personal things going on. I was like,
you know what, it was time. So I had a
really good cry yesterday and it made me feel so
much better. I woke up clearer, brighter, lighter, and it
reminded me of you know when there's like a really
(00:41):
big storm and then you wake up the next morning
and the sky is bright and blue. That's how I
felt this morning. I'm still feeling a little bit energy drained,
but overall, I feel like the sun is peaking out
of the clouds and it feels a little bit better.
So if anybody is feeling a little bit heavy, you're
listening to this thinking, oh, I've been feeling all those things.
You need to have put on a sad song, or
(01:01):
we need to put on some sort of movie. That
just allows you to ball or just allow yourself to
because sometimes it's just us holding ourselves back and you
don't need to do that. Releasing it is so therapeutic.
You have no idea now. One thing that's been on
my mind lately, which is what this podcast episode is about,
is friendship. Have some incredible friends in my life. I'm
(01:23):
so grateful for them, but I had a situation with
a friend recently where I felt like she was expecting
a lot from me when we were not that close.
We're friends, but we're not best friends, and the expectations
were to do with business. They were to do with
me giving what I believe was above and beyond what
the friendship deserved or what I felt the friendship had
(01:44):
been built on. There had been investment from both sides.
We spent time together in group settings like we'd spent
a lot of time together, but I didn't believe that
we're Our friendship is at a stage where we are
best friends, close friends, people who even really spend that
much time by ourselves together. We have a great relationship.
I love our friendship, but I would say it's not
(02:07):
as deep as other friendships that I had, where I
would go above and beyond for them. When she first
asked me something, I was like, you know what, of
course I'll do it. Like in my mind at first
I thought, yeah, of course I'll do it. And then
another favor was asked and I was like, you know what,
that felt like it was asking just a little bit
too much of me. I've been trying to be better
at this and I ended up saying no. And I
(02:27):
thought it was okay for me to say no because
it felt like a very unfair ask in my mind,
but it made her feel like I wasn't a good
friend to her, and to me that felt really unreasonable.
It felt like such an unreasonable expectation, but to her
it was unfair of me to have said no. And
so it got me thinking how did I even end
up in this situation where there was such misalignment and expectations,
(02:48):
And also resurfaced this question in my mind of friendship
with personal gain. What does a fake friendship look like?
What does it feel like? And how do you know
investigate and find out whether you are in a fake friendship?
But more importantly, how can you know before getting too
deep into one? I think that's something that most of
us probably struggle with how do I know if this
is a true friend, Whether it's in relationships, whether it's
(03:10):
in friendships. We go through the same thing whenever it
comes to human to human interactions. But you know, through
thinking about it, I have to do a lot of
reflection on myself as well and realize that the signs
of fake friendship do not look the same in every situation.
But if you do examine them closely, if you've had
a few in your life, you probably end up seeing patterns.
There's qualities and characteristics that end up sticking out that
(03:32):
for you are non negotiables. And when I was reflecting
on this, I had to be wrong and honest with
myself too, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I've
been a fake friend to people in my life. I'm
sure we have all, to some degree in our life
done that try to be transactional with someone, try to
gain something from them by becoming friends with them. Which
is why I think this topic is so much deeper
than just saying someone is a bad person or a
(03:52):
fake friend full stop. I think it's so nuanced and
there's so many layers to it, which is what I
really want to get into here because I think unfor anctunately,
in society these days, everything ends up being you're canceled
or you're not, you're fake or you're not. There seems
to be very little room for giving people grace and
for understanding. And I remember someone said this to me.
They said they were having a conversation with Obama, and
(04:15):
Obama said, I think the one thing that we're really
lacking in society these days is the ability to have
a difference of opinion and have conversations based on that,
different values and have conversation based on that. Not aggressive conversations,
not dismissive conversations, but really thinking about how the other
(04:35):
person might feel. It sounds so simple, right, like just
thinking about how the other person, why they might have
done that, giving them benefit of doubt, and trying to
understand them a little bit deeper. I think understanding and
the desire to understand can clear up so much more,
can reduce the amount of anxiety you have, It can
reduce the amount of anger you have towards someone, resentment
you have towards someone. And so I think understanding is
(04:58):
a really cool principle to try to maintain good friendships,
but also to try and to stop yourself from resenting
that person or begrudging another friend that you might have,
and trying to keep your friendships as clean as possible.
So I do think that our non negotiables are all different.
Like my non negotiable might be, you know what, I
need my friend to communicate and tell me whenever she
(05:19):
is going to be late. My friend has that non negotiable.
That's a really vital thing for her. She feels undervalued
if someone doesn't give her notice of when they're going
to be late, or if they're not going to show
up somewhere. I don't really have that for me. If
my friend's running late, I kind of like just expect
I do something else in the meantime. I'm not so
stuck to timings. But for other people that might be
a non negotiable, And you might interpret that as this
(05:40):
is not a real friendship, and this is not how
I can maintain a real friendship. And so I think
there are some foundational signs which I'll go over right now.
But I also think that you have to decide for
yourself what your boundaries, what your non negotiables are in
your friendships, and that allows you to really distinguish whether
this is someone that I can be friends with and
have a meaningful friend with, or this is someone that
(06:01):
maybe I need to keep a distance from. So I
think one generic overarching issue if a friendship feels fake
is this lack of commitment. They end up being really
self absorbed, more focused on their own problems. And now
this obviously if someone is going through something, that's going
to be natural. But if you notice that day in
day out, week in week out, month after month, and
(06:22):
they don't really have your feelings in consideration, They're not
asking you about your life, having this type of relationship
can feel really one sided and hurtful, and eventually, even
if you are someone who is a giver, it can
end up feeling really heavy and you end up wondering, well,
what am I even gaining out this friendship or what
am I receiving from this friendship? Not gaining but receiving.
(06:42):
Another sign that I've really struggled with is when people
have some sort of personal gain from you. Some people
might connect to you based on what you offer. Now
I think this is fake or borderline, because if someone
is being friends with you because they want something from
you or they feel that the use of having you
in their life is greater than their desire to genuinely
(07:03):
build a friendship or genuinely understand you and invest in
your life, then that is definitely a red flag, unfortunately.
But I'm actually gonna throw a spanner in the works
here and give you something to reflect on yourself. The
thing is, if you are also gaining something from being
their friend too, maybe you both just actually have a
transactional relationship. Maybe you both are benefiting from each other
(07:25):
in the same way, whether it's you know, maybe being
friends with someone is making you more popular, or that
you benefit from your business by being friends with this person.
But if they're benefiting from you too, then that is
actually mutual gain. That's basically a transactional friendship, and it
only becomes bad when you're pretending like it's something more
than it is. So actually, these friendships exist and they
aren't fake. They're just useful friendships based on that specific thing.
(07:47):
And I think that that's normal. I have friends that
I work out with, I have friends that I talk
about business with, but we both are in the same understanding.
Not one of us is trying to pretend like we
have a more meaningful friendship than we have. And so
when you start thinking about this person is gaining so
much from me, also sit and think, well, what am
I gaining from them? Why have I kept them in
(08:08):
my life this long? But if you're sitting here thinking,
you know what, there is this person who I feel
just keeps asking me for these favors on favors on favors,
but then when it comes to me, they're not really
When I've asked them for things, they say no. When
I am trying to connect with them, they don't seem interested. Well,
then that's probably a sign that you need to create
some boundaries. I will also say that some of these
(08:29):
signs aren't necessarily fake friendship signs. It might just be
a sign that your friend has a lot to work on.
They need to go to therapy, They really need to
be working on these characteristics, all these flaws that they have.
But I would also argue that so do we We
all do. And so of course you can create boundaries,
and you have a choice of who you let into
your life, and that's very important. But I would also
(08:50):
say that you have to take the whole character into consideration,
and if it looks like this, is something that they
need to be working on. You could be a friend
and tell them and if they change their behave. Like
my friend has told me, when you don't reply to me,
it makes me feel like you don't care. I have
now made a conscious effort to make sure I respond back.
I send a voice note, I do something where they
(09:11):
know that I'm trying to connect back with them. And
so the communication they could have just said, oh, she's
just not a friend to me, like she's just such
a bad friend, such a fake friend. But she didn't.
She came and she told me this is how I feel.
And because I wanted to invest in the friendship, I said,
I'm making changes because I want them to know that
I care about them, and if this is what it takes,
then I want to reciprocate in that way. And so
(09:33):
sometimes just shutting people off isn't always the way. You
have to also communicate if it's a friendship that you
really want to maintain. And this idea of cut them off,
cut them loose, don't talk to them ever again, block them,
delete them. I think it's quite a toxic culture and
I think it's become too harsh, and sometimes you can
end up with no friends if you decide that it's
a one strike thing, one strike and this person is out.
(09:56):
I don't think that's how human relationships work, and so
if you are someone who can't give people benefit of doubt,
it might be a place that you need to work
on and something you have taken to consideration. Another thing
that I've really been thinking about to do with this
topic is sometimes you end up being around people because
of how they make you feel about yourself, and even
though that's something you're gaining from them, it's almost a
(10:17):
natural thing. You go where you feel happy, You go
to places that you feel like the energy that someone
is giving is beautiful. The only problem with that is
if you feel like you're giving all the energy. If
you're on the other side of that and you're someone
who's like, oh, I feel like I just give out
so much energy to people, and I give so much
love out to people. If those people aren't reciprocating, that
can feel like you're being used as well. So it's
(10:37):
not necessarily money or work or anything like that. Sometimes
it can be energy. Sometimes people are around you and
spending time with you because you make them feel good
about themselves, and that is such a beautiful thing, but
it can often feel draining too. I think that's something
to also take it to consideration, where people may not
want anything from you, but they do want your time,
they want your energy, they want your laughter, they want
(10:59):
you to make them feel good about themselves, and sometimes
that can be really taxing on you if you are
not receiving that back from anyone in your life. And
I read this somewhere and it says, sometimes people don't
know how to build intimacy without attaching it to a benefit.
They're not using you, they're just leading with what they
know how to value. So if they've grown up and
they've been taught to value money, been taught to only
(11:21):
seen transactional relationships, that's what they end up thinking a
relationship is like. And so sometimes it's conscious thing or
something that's malicious, it's something that they've just grown up
doing and it's become their habit. An absolute red flag
for me, though, when it comes to these fake friendships,
is talking about you behind your back, or that they
don't have your back in a room when you're not there.
The fact is talking bad about someone that you call
(11:44):
a friend, especially a close friend, should be an absolute no. No.
You might even think that they've done something wrong, but
bring up with them. Don't talk about them behind their
back to other people. Not only does it make your
friendship look like it's fake, but it also diminishes the
trust and the connection that you could have based on
giving someone feedback. Feedback is part of friendship, and so
(12:05):
if you're telling someone else about it before you've even
told them, that's a sign that maybe your friendship isn't
as close as it should be, or the communication is broken.
But if someone's doing that over and over and over again, No,
you can't build a friendship based on someone talking badly
about you constantly behind your back. I just don't think
that that exists. I think that's something that we used
to do when we were kids and teenagers. When you
(12:25):
come into adult friendship, you want to believe that the
person is rooting for you in a room. I remember
when I first started out doing content online and I
was doing partnerships and things like that. I my friend Deepica.
She was so sweet. I would meet people and they'd say,
oh my gosh, Deepica has been saying the best things
about you, and every single time, like at least once
(12:46):
a week, or I get on a call with another
brand and they'd be like DEEPAKA kept telling us that
we have to work with you, and it was just
so sweet, and I was like, Wow, this girl really
talks about me with so much love, even when I'm
not there, even in a place where she's trying to
hustle for her work, and she's thinking about me. And
I was like, that is such a sweet thing to
have to know that this person is walking into a
(13:08):
room and it's not just doesn't just have my back
if someone's saying something bad, but it's thinking about me,
even in a situation where she should doesn't have to
be or shouldn't be. And unfortunately, I think sometimes people's
desire to fit in ends up trumping their ability to
be a good friend. And what I mean by that
is if someone's talking bad about you, they may not agree,
but they're not gonna put their foot down. They're not
(13:28):
gonna disagree with the person because they want to fit
in so badly. They want to be accepted so badly
that they may just sit and listen, but they won't
support you, or they won't stick up for you. They
may even regret it afterwards. They may regret it in
the moment that they're participating. I've been there before. I
remember when people would speak about my friends. I used
to think, if I don't say anything, then I'm not participating,
(13:51):
and that should be enough. I don't want to create conflict,
and that was what I used to struggle with the
I don't want to create conflicts. I don't want people
to think that I'm going against them. I don't want
to friction. There's no need what I say. Is it
really going to matter? And then I realize, actually it
does matter, because if you feel someone's being wronged or
someone's being spoken about in the wrong way, speaking up
is part of the friendship. Speaking up is part of
(14:13):
the support and the love and the care that you
have for that person, even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes
I've started trying to do that where I see fit
and where I think it's necessary. Whether I tell the
person or not that these people have been speaking about them,
that's a whole other story. But at least in the moment,
I feel like I've stuck by my friend, whether they're
in the room or not. But if someone's doing it
(14:34):
over and over again, it just shows that they do
not respect the friendship or you. And if someone's repeatedly
saying so much crap about you and you're not doing
that to them, that is a clear sign that your
friendship values are completely misaligned, or actually just that they
don't like you as much as they say that they do.
That might be time to take it back a notch,
do a little bit less for them, say a little
(14:55):
bit less to them, read it back a little bit.
And I think protecting yourself in that situation is important.
What I've learned over the years of all my friendship
is a good friend pumps you up. I have such
a beautiful friendship in my life at the moment that
every single time that we speak, we are just giving
words of affirmations, and it doesn't just even when we
(15:17):
have to think about it just pours out with love.
I'm like, you look so beautiful today, and she's like,
oh my gosh, you look amazing. When I pick up
the phone and I'm like, you're doing incredible. You're so
going to get that job. You deserve it. You're You're
a beast in the work that you're doing. Like, we
are just hyping each other up constantly, and I think
that comes with creating a friendship where there's no jealousy
(15:39):
between both of you, and I've noticed that as a
big distinction between friends where I've been able to do
that constantly, just hype each other up over and over again,
versus friendship where we hold back a little bit, or
if you feel like, for example, if you think if
you're jealous of your friend because they're beautiful, you might
find it a little bit difficult to tell them that
they look beautiful. And it's such a subconscious thing, but
it's happened. I've been in place before I'm like, oh,
(16:01):
I don't feel good about myself, but this person looks amazing,
and then I withhold the compliments that I might want
to give to them. I've really tried not to do
that now because I think what I've realized in life
is everybody needs support and everybody needs words of encouragement.
I think it's, yeah, a big part of friendship, but
also a big part of I mean, we go through
(16:21):
enough in life sometimes we just want some good words
fed to us. Sometimes we just want some good words
and good energy around us, and saying the things that
you're thinking when they're positive. It's so important because it's
so easily say the negative things about people to people,
but I think trying to switch our mind around of
what if I just said all the positives that came
to my mind and said and saw how that just
(16:43):
lit someone up. It really does. And most of the
time people are having a bad day when we don't
realize and just saying those words that come to our
mind makes such a difference. I've started saying it to
people on the street. I'm like, gosh, you look amazing
in that outfit, are so beautiful, You've got great energy.
Like when someone comes up to me, I'm like, you
literally just fueled me up by your energy coming to me.
And I think it makes such a difference for people
(17:04):
in their day and we don't even realize that. Let
alone are good friends who we say we love and
we care about, hype them up every moment that you
possibly get. And so if you're sitting there thinking, you know,
I don't remember the last time I told my friend
all the good things about her, central a message right now.
Send her a little voice note, tell her how much
you love her, to shower her with love. And if
you're not getting the same reciprocated, tell your friend send
(17:27):
them some little memes like listen, I do need words
of affirmation and I need some love from you right now.
Tell me how much you love me, and if you're
close enough, then they're going to pour that out to
you whenever you need it. And so for me, this
was a good reflection of you know, how can I
be a better friend? Which friends do I need to
hype up more? Which friends do I need to send
more messages to? But also thinking back of which friends
(17:47):
do I feel like hold back and create these kind
of barriers between us where we don't have that connection
with that friendship to say those things with each other
and how can improve those friendships? Or which ones that
am I going to distance from? And maybe we're not
at that level that I thought we were at. Another
thing that came up when I was looking at toxic
friendships was they don't support you or are not there
for you in your time of need, like that is
(18:08):
a sign of toxic friendship. But I'm actually going to
say something slightly unconventional here, but I really think it's
such an important point that's often overlooked when it comes
to adult friendship. One of the hardest things to accept
as an adult. Is that closeness isn't symmetrical. You can
feel deeply connected to someone who experiences you more casually.
That doesn't necessarily make them a fake friend. Because we
(18:30):
all have different emotional capacities, we all have different histories
definition of what friendship and intimacy looks like. So you
might see someone and be like, I really want to
be their friend. I want to be such good friends
with them. They might already have their friends. And I
know that's really hard to hear, and I know that
can feel really weird, but it's true. Sometimes people's capacity
is full. If you think about a day like I
(18:52):
think about my day, I have the capacity to call
my sister, to call my mum, check in with them.
Sometimes it's five minutes, sometimes it's thirty, depending on what
I feel like. The need is after that, I'm married,
I speak to my husband, I need to connect with him.
After that. I have friendships. And the thing is, in
a day, you only have time to maybe connect to
one friend a day, sometimes one friend a week. So
(19:14):
if someone's capacity is full, it's not that they don't
want to be friends with you. It's not that they're
a fake friend. It might just be that they don't
have the energy that you have to give back to them.
You might really be looking for friends, but there are
only so many close friends you can have. It says,
really and truly, we can only have between one and
three close friends. To truly invest in and have that
deep connection. It takes serious investment, it takes serious time.
(19:36):
It's no joke. So if you really think about how
many spare hours that that person might have in a day,
you might be a little bit more gracious and compassionate
to the fact that they might not have the space
and time for you at that current moment in their life.
We really just don't have the capacity in our nervous
system to be deeply intimate and close with lots of people.
And sometimes the friendships that you are chasing aren't the
(19:58):
ones that are available to you. It's kind of like
when we chase that guy who's like always saying that
they don't want to commit, but for some reason, you're
ignoring all the other guys who want to commit to you.
That's literally what friendships are like to I remember when
I moved to New York, I met these two girls
who were sisters, and I really wanted to be their
friend like I thought they were. They were the people
(20:18):
that I needed to be friends with. And when I
saw their friendship with each other, I thought, you know what,
I'm just going to step right into that friendship. We
can be three best friends hanging out having fun. But
the fact was they already had each other. They already
had their friendship, they already had their thing going on
for years since they were born. They were really satisfied
in their friendship and they didn't need another close friend.
(20:39):
They were lovely, they were so friendly, they were wonderful
as friends, but they didn't want to be close friends.
They didn't have the capacity for another close friend. I
didn't get the message, to be honest, I kept trying
to invite them to things, kept inviting them to dinners,
you name it. I was like, Yeah, let's go do this,
let's go do this. And looking back now, I realize
(21:00):
I had so many other people that were so ready
to be friends who were in the same position as me.
They were lonely in New York, they didn't have a
close knit circle that they'd been friends with for a
long time. They just moved there. But I had created
this idea of needing those specific friends that they were
the people that I had to be friends with, so
I didn't even pay attention to the rest. And I
think it was less about them. It was more I
(21:21):
saw their friendship and their sisterhood and I aspired for that,
so it didn't necessarily have to be them. But I
was thinking, well, they have this, I just want to
create that with them too. But really I could have
chosen to create that with other people that were also
desiring the same connection. So many adult friendships operate on
these unspoken emotional contracts. One person thinks, oh my gosh,
(21:42):
that was so much fun. I really want to see
her every single week. I think we can hang out
all the time. The other person's like, oh yeah, maybe
i'll catch up with her next month. That was really cool,
full stop. That's it. Doesn't think too much about it.
No one ends up actually checking the terms. And I
think a lot of pain in friendship doesn't come from malice,
from the silent contracts that we never ever agreed to
(22:03):
that we didn't really clarify. So it's good to ask
yourself when you're thinking about friendships that feel a little
bit in balance, have they shown me any evidence of
what the friendship actually means to them, what facts do
I have? What facts do I have? What evidence do
I have that they want a close friendship? And in
all honesty, you could even ask them, but obviously they
(22:24):
can get a little bit awkward sometimes, and so really
reflecting on what are they showing me they want? Are
they messaging me every week to hang out? Are they
messaging me every month to hang out? What kind of
events are they inviting me to? Is it group settings?
Is it one on one? Usually if someone wants to
build a deeper connection, they're asking you to meet one
on one. If they want to be friendly and be
wonderful friends but not have a close friendship, they're probably
(22:46):
inviting you to group settings. They might you to girls' nights.
They're thinking of you, but you're not really spending one
on one time with them to really share your heart
with each other. And so if you do want that,
throw a message out. I've messaged so many people in
the passing I'd love to spend more time with you.
Let's go get a coffee just us to And depending
on how they respond, I kind of get the message
(23:07):
of where they're at, whether they want that friendship or
whether they don't. I think that's a really good indication.
So if you're confused about friendship, send out a message saying, Hey,
I'd love to spend time one on one, I'd love
to go for a coffee, I'd love to hang out
a little bit more, and honestly see their response as
what it is. If they're saying, I'm so busy right now,
but let's book in a date for next month. Great,
they're setting a time and a day for you to
(23:27):
hang out. If they're like, oh, yeah, i'd love to
have you over. I've got some friends coming over to
watch a movie, come on, buy, that might be a
sign that they don't necessarily want to spend individual time
with you, and that's also okay. Doesn't mean that they're
bad people, doesn't mean that they're not good friends. That's
just the type of friendship that they want, and then
you can decide whether you want that to because I
think sometimes we can idolize these friendships before we even
(23:48):
look at the evidence or before we take a look
at what is happening in reality, because sometimes we want
it so badly. And I totally get that being lonely
and not having good friends or friendships, I remember feeling
that way in New York, and it's really difficult. And
so I used to get so excited. My mum is
told me from a young age that I used to
be like this. I would get so excited about friendships.
I'd be like I'd come up and be like, Mom,
(24:09):
I just met this amazing person. I can't wait to
hang out with them the next week. I'm like, these
are this is my best friend. Mom, this is literally
my best friend. We're going to be friends forever. And
she always talks about it even now. She's like, I
feel like you just have new friends that pop up
here and there, and I do. I love making friendships,
but I've now learned to distinguish between friendships and sisters
(24:29):
and deeper meaningful friendships. So being friendly with someone and
truly connecting to them are two different things. And so
I love having friends. I will have new friends every
week and I will genuinely want to connect to them,
But my deeper, more meaningful friendships, they just have a
different energy, in a different vibe. But it reminded me
of that because my mom would be like, oh, you
have a different friend every single week, and I love that.
(24:51):
I think it's so exciting to meet new people in
and explore new friendships, but how many of them make
it into your inner circle? You know, you're inner heart
is just different. On the flip side, sometimes people feel
closer to you than you feel to them, and that
can be really uncomfortable too, because if you're someone who
has big, bold energy, if you're someone who's really generous,
you're connecting your warm you have presence. When you meet someone,
(25:15):
people project closeness onto you faster, and that doesn't make
you responsible in any way, but it does mean that
you might need clearer boundaries. I love inviting people to
my home, like I really do. I think I love
feeding people. I love having people over. But sometimes if
that's something that's very unusual for them, they may receive
that as oh wow, this person really wants to be
(25:36):
close friends with me. And so sometimes you might be
giving off a different energy and they're receiving it as
over friendliness, giving too much. And if you are that
type of person, then sometimes people may receive that wrongly
and you might be sitting there thinking, oh wow, I
feel like I just was my average self, but to them,
it's like, wow, this person was so nice to me
and I think they've really want to be friends yourself
(25:58):
to be aware of that. If you are a giver
and if you ask someone who has great energy and
you're very loving to people, that's so wonderful, But just
know that it also comes with the idea that people
might feel closer to you than you feel to them,
and just sometimes people can confuse access to you with
intimacy or meaningful connection. I do not think that the
answer is becoming colder, harder, or more suspicious of people
(26:20):
at all. I don't think that's the solution. I think
the answer is becoming more honest with yourself first, and
maybe don't say that things like oh yeah, let's definitely
hang out, let's definitely get you know. I used to
end up saying that a lot because at the time
I did think I wanted it, but then I realized
I just didn't have the capacity for it. And so
I think I want this to be a reminder. This
(26:41):
was going to be a hey, this is what toxic
friends look like, and cut them up. But that's really
not helpful. What I think is more helpful is creating
a space for you to reflect and become more honest
with yourself and know that not every friendship is supposed
to be deep, and you don't have to push each
friendship to be like that. Not every connection is meant
(27:02):
to be equal, and I think that's the reality of
human life, and expecting that can be maybe unrealistic expectation.
And not every misalignment with someone means that they are
fake or bad or just not good people. That is
not the case. And so I hope this was a
healthy reminder and hopefully a useful conversation about how to
(27:23):
manage your friendships. I think sometimes if we've had bad experiences,
we can become more skeptical about people and we can
shut people off too fast. But honestly, from my experience,
having a warm, open heart despite going through those things,
makes me so much happier every single day, Like not
assuming someone is going to be toxic, giving people benefit
(27:44):
of doubt, not having a one strike rule, it has
allowed for richer friendships, it's allowed for more meaningful connections,
and it's allowed me to have so much more fun
with people, Like things don't have to be that deep.
You can just have light, wonderful friendships that you don't
have to get too deep an intimate and that is
still a friendship, and so I think being a lot
(28:05):
less harsh on other people, but also on yourself and
being open to connecting with people in different ways. If
you need to send a message to a friend hyping
her up, I suggest you do that right now. If
you all have such a wonderful week, sending you so
much love, and I'd love to hear all your stories
about toxic, inverted commas, friendships, really wonderful friendships that you've had.
(28:25):
Tell me everything. I love hearing stories about things like this,
so send them over. I would love to hear them
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
a Really Good Cry. I must tell you that I
definitely had a really good cry just yesterday. Actually, sometimes
I feel like things pent up in me, and sometimes
I feel like I feel other people's emotions, and when
I'm around different things, I just think things build up.
(00:20):
And I needed to release that. And I've been working
out intensely and I have had a lot of work
things going on, personal things going on. I was like,
you know what, it was time. So I had a
really good cry yesterday and it made me feel so
much better. I woke up clearer, brighter, lighter, and it
reminded me of you know when there's like a really
(00:41):
big storm and then you wake up the next morning
and the sky is bright and blue. That's how I
felt this morning. I'm still feeling a little bit energy drained,
but overall, I feel like the sun is peaking out
of the clouds and it feels a little bit better.
So if anybody is feeling a little bit heavy, you're
listening to this thinking, oh, I've been feeling all those things.
You need to have put on a sad song, or
(01:01):
we need to put on some sort of movie. That
just allows you to ball or just allow yourself to
because sometimes it's just us holding ourselves back and you
don't need to do that. Releasing it is so therapeutic.
You have no idea now. One thing that's been on
my mind lately, which is what this podcast episode is about,
is friendship. Have some incredible friends in my life. I'm
(01:23):
so grateful for them, but I had a situation with
a friend recently where I felt like she was expecting
a lot from me when we were not that close.
We're friends, but we're not best friends, and the expectations
were to do with business. They were to do with
me giving what I believe was above and beyond what
the friendship deserved or what I felt the friendship had
(01:44):
been built on. There had been investment from both sides.
We spent time together in group settings like we'd spent
a lot of time together, but I didn't believe that
we're Our friendship is at a stage where we are
best friends, close friends, people who even really spend that
much time by ourselves together. We have a great relationship.
I love our friendship, but I would say it's not
(02:07):
as deep as other friendships that I had, where I
would go above and beyond for them. When she first
asked me something, I was like, you know what, of
course I'll do it. Like in my mind at first
I thought, yeah, of course I'll do it. And then
another favor was asked and I was like, you know what,
that felt like it was asking just a little bit
too much of me. I've been trying to be better
at this and I ended up saying no. And I
(02:27):
thought it was okay for me to say no because
it felt like a very unfair ask in my mind,
but it made her feel like I wasn't a good
friend to her, and to me that felt really unreasonable.
It felt like such an unreasonable expectation, but to her
it was unfair of me to have said no. And
so it got me thinking how did I even end
up in this situation where there was such misalignment and expectations,
(02:48):
And also resurfaced this question in my mind of friendship
with personal gain. What does a fake friendship look like?
What does it feel like? And how do you know
investigate and find out whether you are in a fake friendship?
But more importantly, how can you know before getting too
deep into one? I think that's something that most of
us probably struggle with how do I know if this
is a true friend, Whether it's in relationships, whether it's
(03:10):
in friendships. We go through the same thing whenever it
comes to human to human interactions. But you know, through
thinking about it, I have to do a lot of
reflection on myself as well and realize that the signs
of fake friendship do not look the same in every situation.
But if you do examine them closely, if you've had
a few in your life, you probably end up seeing patterns.
There's qualities and characteristics that end up sticking out that
(03:32):
for you are non negotiables. And when I was reflecting
on this, I had to be wrong and honest with
myself too, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I've
been a fake friend to people in my life. I'm
sure we have all, to some degree in our life
done that try to be transactional with someone, try to
gain something from them by becoming friends with them. Which
is why I think this topic is so much deeper
than just saying someone is a bad person or a
(03:52):
fake friend full stop. I think it's so nuanced and
there's so many layers to it, which is what I
really want to get into here because I think unfor anctunately,
in society these days, everything ends up being you're canceled
or you're not, you're fake or you're not. There seems
to be very little room for giving people grace and
for understanding. And I remember someone said this to me.
They said they were having a conversation with Obama, and
(04:15):
Obama said, I think the one thing that we're really
lacking in society these days is the ability to have
a difference of opinion and have conversations based on that,
different values and have conversation based on that. Not aggressive conversations,
not dismissive conversations, but really thinking about how the other
(04:35):
person might feel. It sounds so simple, right, like just
thinking about how the other person, why they might have
done that, giving them benefit of doubt, and trying to
understand them a little bit deeper. I think understanding and
the desire to understand can clear up so much more,
can reduce the amount of anxiety you have, It can
reduce the amount of anger you have towards someone, resentment
you have towards someone. And so I think understanding is
(04:58):
a really cool principle to try to maintain good friendships,
but also to try and to stop yourself from resenting
that person or begrudging another friend that you might have,
and trying to keep your friendships as clean as possible.
So I do think that our non negotiables are all different.
Like my non negotiable might be, you know what, I
need my friend to communicate and tell me whenever she
(05:19):
is going to be late. My friend has that non negotiable.
That's a really vital thing for her. She feels undervalued
if someone doesn't give her notice of when they're going
to be late, or if they're not going to show
up somewhere. I don't really have that for me. If
my friend's running late, I kind of like just expect
I do something else in the meantime. I'm not so
stuck to timings. But for other people that might be
a non negotiable, And you might interpret that as this
(05:40):
is not a real friendship, and this is not how
I can maintain a real friendship. And so I think
there are some foundational signs which I'll go over right now.
But I also think that you have to decide for
yourself what your boundaries, what your non negotiables are in
your friendships, and that allows you to really distinguish whether
this is someone that I can be friends with and
have a meaningful friend with, or this is someone that
(06:01):
maybe I need to keep a distance from. So I
think one generic overarching issue if a friendship feels fake
is this lack of commitment. They end up being really
self absorbed, more focused on their own problems. And now
this obviously if someone is going through something, that's going
to be natural. But if you notice that day in
day out, week in week out, month after month, and
(06:22):
they don't really have your feelings in consideration, They're not
asking you about your life, having this type of relationship
can feel really one sided and hurtful, and eventually, even
if you are someone who is a giver, it can
end up feeling really heavy and you end up wondering, well,
what am I even gaining out this friendship or what
am I receiving from this friendship? Not gaining but receiving.
(06:42):
Another sign that I've really struggled with is when people
have some sort of personal gain from you. Some people
might connect to you based on what you offer. Now
I think this is fake or borderline, because if someone
is being friends with you because they want something from
you or they feel that the use of having you
in their life is greater than their desire to genuinely
(07:03):
build a friendship or genuinely understand you and invest in
your life, then that is definitely a red flag, unfortunately.
But I'm actually gonna throw a spanner in the works
here and give you something to reflect on yourself. The
thing is, if you are also gaining something from being
their friend too, maybe you both just actually have a
transactional relationship. Maybe you both are benefiting from each other
(07:25):
in the same way, whether it's you know, maybe being
friends with someone is making you more popular, or that
you benefit from your business by being friends with this person.
But if they're benefiting from you too, then that is
actually mutual gain. That's basically a transactional friendship, and it
only becomes bad when you're pretending like it's something more
than it is. So actually, these friendships exist and they
aren't fake. They're just useful friendships based on that specific thing.
(07:47):
And I think that that's normal. I have friends that
I work out with, I have friends that I talk
about business with, but we both are in the same understanding.
Not one of us is trying to pretend like we
have a more meaningful friendship than we have. And so
when you start thinking about this person is gaining so
much from me, also sit and think, well, what am
I gaining from them? Why have I kept them in
(08:08):
my life this long? But if you're sitting here thinking,
you know what, there is this person who I feel
just keeps asking me for these favors on favors on favors,
but then when it comes to me, they're not really
When I've asked them for things, they say no. When
I am trying to connect with them, they don't seem interested. Well,
then that's probably a sign that you need to create
some boundaries. I will also say that some of these
(08:29):
signs aren't necessarily fake friendship signs. It might just be
a sign that your friend has a lot to work on.
They need to go to therapy, They really need to
be working on these characteristics, all these flaws that they have.
But I would also argue that so do we We
all do. And so of course you can create boundaries,
and you have a choice of who you let into
your life, and that's very important. But I would also
(08:50):
say that you have to take the whole character into consideration,
and if it looks like this, is something that they
need to be working on. You could be a friend
and tell them and if they change their behave. Like
my friend has told me, when you don't reply to me,
it makes me feel like you don't care. I have
now made a conscious effort to make sure I respond back.
I send a voice note, I do something where they
(09:11):
know that I'm trying to connect back with them. And
so the communication they could have just said, oh, she's
just not a friend to me, like she's just such
a bad friend, such a fake friend. But she didn't.
She came and she told me this is how I feel.
And because I wanted to invest in the friendship, I said,
I'm making changes because I want them to know that
I care about them, and if this is what it takes,
then I want to reciprocate in that way. And so
(09:33):
sometimes just shutting people off isn't always the way. You
have to also communicate if it's a friendship that you
really want to maintain. And this idea of cut them off,
cut them loose, don't talk to them ever again, block them,
delete them. I think it's quite a toxic culture and
I think it's become too harsh, and sometimes you can
end up with no friends if you decide that it's
a one strike thing, one strike and this person is out.
(09:56):
I don't think that's how human relationships work, and so
if you are someone who can't give people benefit of doubt,
it might be a place that you need to work
on and something you have taken to consideration. Another thing
that I've really been thinking about to do with this
topic is sometimes you end up being around people because
of how they make you feel about yourself, and even
though that's something you're gaining from them, it's almost a
(10:17):
natural thing. You go where you feel happy, You go
to places that you feel like the energy that someone
is giving is beautiful. The only problem with that is
if you feel like you're giving all the energy. If
you're on the other side of that and you're someone
who's like, oh, I feel like I just give out
so much energy to people, and I give so much
love out to people. If those people aren't reciprocating, that
can feel like you're being used as well. So it's
(10:37):
not necessarily money or work or anything like that. Sometimes
it can be energy. Sometimes people are around you and
spending time with you because you make them feel good
about themselves, and that is such a beautiful thing, but
it can often feel draining too. I think that's something
to also take it to consideration, where people may not
want anything from you, but they do want your time,
they want your energy, they want your laughter, they want
(10:59):
you to make them feel good about themselves, and sometimes
that can be really taxing on you if you are
not receiving that back from anyone in your life. And
I read this somewhere and it says, sometimes people don't
know how to build intimacy without attaching it to a benefit.
They're not using you, they're just leading with what they
know how to value. So if they've grown up and
they've been taught to value money, been taught to only
(11:21):
seen transactional relationships, that's what they end up thinking a
relationship is like. And so sometimes it's conscious thing or
something that's malicious, it's something that they've just grown up
doing and it's become their habit. An absolute red flag
for me, though, when it comes to these fake friendships,
is talking about you behind your back, or that they
don't have your back in a room when you're not there.
The fact is talking bad about someone that you call
(11:44):
a friend, especially a close friend, should be an absolute no. No.
You might even think that they've done something wrong, but
bring up with them. Don't talk about them behind their
back to other people. Not only does it make your
friendship look like it's fake, but it also diminishes the
trust and the connection that you could have based on
giving someone feedback. Feedback is part of friendship, and so
(12:05):
if you're telling someone else about it before you've even
told them, that's a sign that maybe your friendship isn't
as close as it should be, or the communication is broken.
But if someone's doing that over and over and over again, No,
you can't build a friendship based on someone talking badly
about you constantly behind your back. I just don't think
that that exists. I think that's something that we used
to do when we were kids and teenagers. When you
(12:25):
come into adult friendship, you want to believe that the
person is rooting for you in a room. I remember
when I first started out doing content online and I
was doing partnerships and things like that. I my friend Deepica.
She was so sweet. I would meet people and they'd say,
oh my gosh, Deepica has been saying the best things
about you, and every single time, like at least once
(12:46):
a week, or I get on a call with another
brand and they'd be like DEEPAKA kept telling us that
we have to work with you, and it was just
so sweet, and I was like, Wow, this girl really
talks about me with so much love, even when I'm
not there, even in a place where she's trying to
hustle for her work, and she's thinking about me. And
I was like, that is such a sweet thing to
have to know that this person is walking into a
(13:08):
room and it's not just doesn't just have my back
if someone's saying something bad, but it's thinking about me,
even in a situation where she should doesn't have to
be or shouldn't be. And unfortunately, I think sometimes people's
desire to fit in ends up trumping their ability to
be a good friend. And what I mean by that
is if someone's talking bad about you, they may not agree,
but they're not gonna put their foot down. They're not
(13:28):
gonna disagree with the person because they want to fit
in so badly. They want to be accepted so badly
that they may just sit and listen, but they won't
support you, or they won't stick up for you. They
may even regret it afterwards. They may regret it in
the moment that they're participating. I've been there before. I
remember when people would speak about my friends. I used
to think, if I don't say anything, then I'm not participating,
(13:51):
and that should be enough. I don't want to create conflict,
and that was what I used to struggle with the
I don't want to create conflicts. I don't want people
to think that I'm going against them. I don't want
to friction. There's no need what I say. Is it
really going to matter? And then I realize, actually it
does matter, because if you feel someone's being wronged or
someone's being spoken about in the wrong way, speaking up
is part of the friendship. Speaking up is part of
(14:13):
the support and the love and the care that you
have for that person, even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes
I've started trying to do that where I see fit
and where I think it's necessary. Whether I tell the
person or not that these people have been speaking about them,
that's a whole other story. But at least in the moment,
I feel like I've stuck by my friend, whether they're
in the room or not. But if someone's doing it
(14:34):
over and over again, it just shows that they do
not respect the friendship or you. And if someone's repeatedly
saying so much crap about you and you're not doing
that to them, that is a clear sign that your
friendship values are completely misaligned, or actually just that they
don't like you as much as they say that they do.
That might be time to take it back a notch,
do a little bit less for them, say a little
(14:55):
bit less to them, read it back a little bit.
And I think protecting yourself in that situation is important.
What I've learned over the years of all my friendship
is a good friend pumps you up. I have such
a beautiful friendship in my life at the moment that
every single time that we speak, we are just giving
words of affirmations, and it doesn't just even when we
(15:17):
have to think about it just pours out with love.
I'm like, you look so beautiful today, and she's like,
oh my gosh, you look amazing. When I pick up
the phone and I'm like, you're doing incredible. You're so
going to get that job. You deserve it. You're You're
a beast in the work that you're doing. Like, we
are just hyping each other up constantly, and I think
that comes with creating a friendship where there's no jealousy
(15:39):
between both of you, and I've noticed that as a
big distinction between friends where I've been able to do
that constantly, just hype each other up over and over again,
versus friendship where we hold back a little bit, or
if you feel like, for example, if you think if
you're jealous of your friend because they're beautiful, you might
find it a little bit difficult to tell them that
they look beautiful. And it's such a subconscious thing, but
it's happened. I've been in place before I'm like, oh,
(16:01):
I don't feel good about myself, but this person looks amazing,
and then I withhold the compliments that I might want
to give to them. I've really tried not to do
that now because I think what I've realized in life
is everybody needs support and everybody needs words of encouragement.
I think it's, yeah, a big part of friendship, but
also a big part of I mean, we go through
(16:21):
enough in life sometimes we just want some good words
fed to us. Sometimes we just want some good words
and good energy around us, and saying the things that
you're thinking when they're positive. It's so important because it's
so easily say the negative things about people to people,
but I think trying to switch our mind around of
what if I just said all the positives that came
to my mind and said and saw how that just
(16:43):
lit someone up. It really does. And most of the
time people are having a bad day when we don't
realize and just saying those words that come to our
mind makes such a difference. I've started saying it to
people on the street. I'm like, gosh, you look amazing
in that outfit, are so beautiful, You've got great energy.
Like when someone comes up to me, I'm like, you
literally just fueled me up by your energy coming to me.
And I think it makes such a difference for people
(17:04):
in their day and we don't even realize that. Let
alone are good friends who we say we love and
we care about, hype them up every moment that you
possibly get. And so if you're sitting there thinking, you know,
I don't remember the last time I told my friend
all the good things about her, central a message right now.
Send her a little voice note, tell her how much
you love her, to shower her with love. And if
you're not getting the same reciprocated, tell your friend send
(17:27):
them some little memes like listen, I do need words
of affirmation and I need some love from you right now.
Tell me how much you love me, and if you're
close enough, then they're going to pour that out to
you whenever you need it. And so for me, this
was a good reflection of you know, how can I
be a better friend? Which friends do I need to
hype up more? Which friends do I need to send
more messages to? But also thinking back of which friends
(17:47):
do I feel like hold back and create these kind
of barriers between us where we don't have that connection
with that friendship to say those things with each other
and how can improve those friendships? Or which ones that
am I going to distance from? And maybe we're not
at that level that I thought we were at. Another
thing that came up when I was looking at toxic
friendships was they don't support you or are not there
for you in your time of need, like that is
(18:08):
a sign of toxic friendship. But I'm actually going to
say something slightly unconventional here, but I really think it's
such an important point that's often overlooked when it comes
to adult friendship. One of the hardest things to accept
as an adult. Is that closeness isn't symmetrical. You can
feel deeply connected to someone who experiences you more casually.
That doesn't necessarily make them a fake friend. Because we
(18:30):
all have different emotional capacities, we all have different histories
definition of what friendship and intimacy looks like. So you
might see someone and be like, I really want to
be their friend. I want to be such good friends
with them. They might already have their friends. And I
know that's really hard to hear, and I know that
can feel really weird, but it's true. Sometimes people's capacity
is full. If you think about a day like I
(18:52):
think about my day, I have the capacity to call
my sister, to call my mum, check in with them.
Sometimes it's five minutes, sometimes it's thirty, depending on what
I feel like. The need is after that, I'm married,
I speak to my husband, I need to connect with him.
After that. I have friendships. And the thing is, in
a day, you only have time to maybe connect to
one friend a day, sometimes one friend a week. So
(19:14):
if someone's capacity is full, it's not that they don't
want to be friends with you. It's not that they're
a fake friend. It might just be that they don't
have the energy that you have to give back to them.
You might really be looking for friends, but there are
only so many close friends you can have. It says,
really and truly, we can only have between one and
three close friends. To truly invest in and have that
deep connection. It takes serious investment, it takes serious time.
(19:36):
It's no joke. So if you really think about how
many spare hours that that person might have in a day,
you might be a little bit more gracious and compassionate
to the fact that they might not have the space
and time for you at that current moment in their life.
We really just don't have the capacity in our nervous
system to be deeply intimate and close with lots of people.
And sometimes the friendships that you are chasing aren't the
(19:58):
ones that are available to you. It's kind of like
when we chase that guy who's like always saying that
they don't want to commit, but for some reason, you're
ignoring all the other guys who want to commit to you.
That's literally what friendships are like to I remember when
I moved to New York, I met these two girls
who were sisters, and I really wanted to be their
friend like I thought they were. They were the people
(20:18):
that I needed to be friends with. And when I
saw their friendship with each other, I thought, you know what,
I'm just going to step right into that friendship. We
can be three best friends hanging out having fun. But
the fact was they already had each other. They already
had their friendship, they already had their thing going on
for years since they were born. They were really satisfied
in their friendship and they didn't need another close friend.
(20:39):
They were lovely, they were so friendly, they were wonderful
as friends, but they didn't want to be close friends.
They didn't have the capacity for another close friend. I
didn't get the message, to be honest, I kept trying
to invite them to things, kept inviting them to dinners,
you name it. I was like, Yeah, let's go do this,
let's go do this. And looking back now, I realize
(21:00):
I had so many other people that were so ready
to be friends who were in the same position as me.
They were lonely in New York, they didn't have a
close knit circle that they'd been friends with for a
long time. They just moved there. But I had created
this idea of needing those specific friends that they were
the people that I had to be friends with, so
I didn't even pay attention to the rest. And I
think it was less about them. It was more I
(21:21):
saw their friendship and their sisterhood and I aspired for that,
so it didn't necessarily have to be them. But I
was thinking, well, they have this, I just want to
create that with them too. But really I could have
chosen to create that with other people that were also
desiring the same connection. So many adult friendships operate on
these unspoken emotional contracts. One person thinks, oh my gosh,
(21:42):
that was so much fun. I really want to see
her every single week. I think we can hang out
all the time. The other person's like, oh yeah, maybe
i'll catch up with her next month. That was really cool,
full stop. That's it. Doesn't think too much about it.
No one ends up actually checking the terms. And I
think a lot of pain in friendship doesn't come from malice,
from the silent contracts that we never ever agreed to
(22:03):
that we didn't really clarify. So it's good to ask
yourself when you're thinking about friendships that feel a little
bit in balance, have they shown me any evidence of
what the friendship actually means to them, what facts do
I have? What facts do I have? What evidence do
I have that they want a close friendship? And in
all honesty, you could even ask them, but obviously they
(22:24):
can get a little bit awkward sometimes, and so really
reflecting on what are they showing me they want? Are
they messaging me every week to hang out? Are they
messaging me every month to hang out? What kind of
events are they inviting me to? Is it group settings?
Is it one on one? Usually if someone wants to
build a deeper connection, they're asking you to meet one
on one. If they want to be friendly and be
wonderful friends but not have a close friendship, they're probably
(22:46):
inviting you to group settings. They might you to girls' nights.
They're thinking of you, but you're not really spending one
on one time with them to really share your heart
with each other. And so if you do want that,
throw a message out. I've messaged so many people in
the passing I'd love to spend more time with you.
Let's go get a coffee just us to And depending
on how they respond, I kind of get the message
(23:07):
of where they're at, whether they want that friendship or
whether they don't. I think that's a really good indication.
So if you're confused about friendship, send out a message saying, Hey,
I'd love to spend time one on one, I'd love
to go for a coffee, I'd love to hang out
a little bit more, and honestly see their response as
what it is. If they're saying, I'm so busy right now,
but let's book in a date for next month. Great,
they're setting a time and a day for you to
(23:27):
hang out. If they're like, oh, yeah, i'd love to
have you over. I've got some friends coming over to
watch a movie, come on, buy, that might be a
sign that they don't necessarily want to spend individual time
with you, and that's also okay. Doesn't mean that they're
bad people, doesn't mean that they're not good friends. That's
just the type of friendship that they want, and then
you can decide whether you want that to because I
think sometimes we can idolize these friendships before we even
(23:48):
look at the evidence or before we take a look
at what is happening in reality, because sometimes we want
it so badly. And I totally get that being lonely
and not having good friends or friendships, I remember feeling
that way in New York, and it's really difficult. And
so I used to get so excited. My mum is
told me from a young age that I used to
be like this. I would get so excited about friendships.
I'd be like I'd come up and be like, Mom,
(24:09):
I just met this amazing person. I can't wait to
hang out with them the next week. I'm like, these
are this is my best friend. Mom, this is literally
my best friend. We're going to be friends forever. And
she always talks about it even now. She's like, I
feel like you just have new friends that pop up
here and there, and I do. I love making friendships,
but I've now learned to distinguish between friendships and sisters
(24:29):
and deeper meaningful friendships. So being friendly with someone and
truly connecting to them are two different things. And so
I love having friends. I will have new friends every
week and I will genuinely want to connect to them,
But my deeper, more meaningful friendships, they just have a
different energy, in a different vibe. But it reminded me
of that because my mom would be like, oh, you
have a different friend every single week, and I love that.
(24:51):
I think it's so exciting to meet new people in
and explore new friendships, but how many of them make
it into your inner circle? You know, you're inner heart
is just different. On the flip side, sometimes people feel
closer to you than you feel to them, and that
can be really uncomfortable too, because if you're someone who
has big, bold energy, if you're someone who's really generous,
you're connecting your warm you have presence. When you meet someone,
(25:15):
people project closeness onto you faster, and that doesn't make
you responsible in any way, but it does mean that
you might need clearer boundaries. I love inviting people to
my home, like I really do. I think I love
feeding people. I love having people over. But sometimes if
that's something that's very unusual for them, they may receive
that as oh wow, this person really wants to be
(25:36):
close friends with me. And so sometimes you might be
giving off a different energy and they're receiving it as
over friendliness, giving too much. And if you are that
type of person, then sometimes people may receive that wrongly
and you might be sitting there thinking, oh wow, I
feel like I just was my average self, but to them,
it's like, wow, this person was so nice to me
and I think they've really want to be friends yourself
(25:58):
to be aware of that. If you are a giver
and if you ask someone who has great energy and
you're very loving to people, that's so wonderful, But just
know that it also comes with the idea that people
might feel closer to you than you feel to them,
and just sometimes people can confuse access to you with
intimacy or meaningful connection. I do not think that the
answer is becoming colder, harder, or more suspicious of people
(26:20):
at all. I don't think that's the solution. I think
the answer is becoming more honest with yourself first, and
maybe don't say that things like oh yeah, let's definitely
hang out, let's definitely get you know. I used to
end up saying that a lot because at the time
I did think I wanted it, but then I realized
I just didn't have the capacity for it. And so
I think I want this to be a reminder. This
(26:41):
was going to be a hey, this is what toxic
friends look like, and cut them up. But that's really
not helpful. What I think is more helpful is creating
a space for you to reflect and become more honest
with yourself and know that not every friendship is supposed
to be deep, and you don't have to push each
friendship to be like that. Not every connection is meant
(27:02):
to be equal, and I think that's the reality of
human life, and expecting that can be maybe unrealistic expectation.
And not every misalignment with someone means that they are
fake or bad or just not good people. That is
not the case. And so I hope this was a
healthy reminder and hopefully a useful conversation about how to
(27:23):
manage your friendships. I think sometimes if we've had bad experiences,
we can become more skeptical about people and we can
shut people off too fast. But honestly, from my experience,
having a warm, open heart despite going through those things,
makes me so much happier every single day, Like not
assuming someone is going to be toxic, giving people benefit
(27:44):
of doubt, not having a one strike rule, it has
allowed for richer friendships, it's allowed for more meaningful connections,
and it's allowed me to have so much more fun
with people, Like things don't have to be that deep.
You can just have light, wonderful friendships that you don't
have to get too deep an intimate and that is
still a friendship, and so I think being a lot
(28:05):
less harsh on other people, but also on yourself and
being open to connecting with people in different ways. If
you need to send a message to a friend hyping
her up, I suggest you do that right now. If
you all have such a wonderful week, sending you so
much love, and I'd love to hear all your stories
about toxic, inverted commas, friendships, really wonderful friendships that you've had.
(28:25):
Tell me everything. I love hearing stories about things like this,
so send them over. I would love to hear them
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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