February 3, 2026 • 22 mins
Do you ever look in the mirror and immediately start criticizing your body?
What if the problem isn’t your body—but the way you’ve learned to talk to it?
And what if confidence has less to do with changing how you look, and more to do with changing how you think?
In this episode of A Really Good Cry, Radhi opens up an honest, deeply personal conversation about body image, self-criticism, and the exhausting pressure to look a certain way. From childhood comments that linger for decades to the daily habit of body-shaming ourselves without even noticing, Radhi explores why so many women feel disconnected from their bodies—and how to begin healing that relationship with compassion instead of control.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why most body insecurities aren’t actually yours to begin with
- The difference between caring for your body and obsessing over it
- How constant self-criticism keeps you stuck in a cycle of dissatisfaction
- Why confidence is an energy, not a body type
- Practical mindset shifts to stop attacking your body and start respecting it
This isn’t about forcing body positivity or loving every inch of yourself overnight—it’s about ending the inner war, reclaiming peace, and remembering that your body is the least interesting thing about you.
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https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxWe9A4kMf9V_AHOXkGhCzQ
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm not saying you have to suddenly love your body
after this, you just need to stop attacking it.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
So that's really step one.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I'm Raleydavlukiah, and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, un fielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow
you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey, ryone,
welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
I hope you're having such a great week. I today
(00:26):
wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind
so much more this week than usual, and it's this
constant self loathing of our body. I feel like I've
gotten so tired of this constant repetition of negative words
whenever I'm looking in the mirror. The other day, I
woke up and honestly, I was in such a good mood.
I decided to do a little workout at home myself,
(00:48):
and so I went to my wardrobe and I saw
these really comfory yogurish pants that I had in my
wardrobe for.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Quite a long time, but I'd actually never worn them.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So I was like, yeah, it feels like that kind
of day, I feel good for something cute on and
so I put it on with a little crept up,
and I told myself, you know what, it's just me
in my own little home gym today. I can wear
whatever I want. Well, the second that I looked in
the mirror, the first thing that I said in my
mind was I look so chubby in this Why is
my stomach not flat? This top is squeezing and pressing
(01:18):
into my back fat. These pants are highlighting their little
pouch on my stomach that I just can't get rid of.
And basically, within thirty seconds, I'd cust myself out. Like
twenty times, I had said every possible negative thing to
my body that I could think of, and these old,
stale thought patterns and beliefs that I thought i'd work
through came to surface. But you know what, in that moment,
(01:40):
I did something that I wouldn't have usually done in
the past. I actually decided to wear it anyway. I
kind of did it in anger at myself for even
having that reaction. And back then, maybe even like six
months ago, I would have changed into something baggy or
something more flattering in my eyes, and kept those pants on.
The shelf for a whole other year and then throw
out my work out. I had an hour long conversation
(02:02):
with myself. I was walking and running, and usually for me,
they are such great places to hear my thoughts and
to just really process things that are going through my mind.
And I just came to this conclusion that I'm just
so freaking fed up with this constant, deeprooted desire that
I have to be skinny. And I've noticed from conversations
with my friends and things that I read in my
(02:22):
DMS from people, I realize I don't know one woman
that doesn't want to change their body in some way.
They don't want to change the body that they're in,
and I find that so interesting. And I have friends
who I'm like, oh my god, that's that's my dream body,
and they tell me how much they want to change
their body. And I feel like it's like this weird
cycle that anybody that you admire they feel uncomfortable in
(02:44):
their body, and then it carries on with whoever they admire,
and it's just a vicious, vicious, constant pattern that we
seem to keep in us, especially as women. And I
actually grew up overweight until I was about sixteen, and
I just don't think I've ever really shifted that feeling
and this desire to have this flat stomach, to have abs,
to be able to wear whatever I want and not
(03:04):
feel self conscious, having this constant believe that my body
will look better if it has close to no fat
on it. And I think that I've realized that is
an absolute myth. Now, this isn't me saying that we
shouldn't have esthetic goals or body goals that we want
to meet, or places that we'd like to be a
little bit more tone or that we want to work on.
But does it really have to take up so much
(03:24):
of our mind space? I realize that there is such
a difference between caring about your body, looking after it,
thinking about it in a way to improve it, and
having this obsession about it. And I think that the
line between the two can be really blurred. I think
caring about it looks like thinking about what you're eating.
How is it innourishing me? How am I able to
(03:45):
move throughout the day, How do I feel in my
own body? How do I feel in my own skin?
And I think obsessing over it is these constant negative
words that we are using for ourselves whenever we look
in the mirror, whenever we're putting something on, and whenever
we're putting things into our mouth, everything relating back to
our physical appearance. I think that's when it ends up
becoming obsession rather than care, And always think, why does
(04:06):
this care have to lead us to feeling so much
self hate that ends up not really being care in
our body?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Does it need to be all.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Consuming or can it just be exactly what it is,
just a thought like all the other tens of thousands
of thoughts that we have in our brain. Can't it
just be a thought that comes in and leaves one
that we don't make a home for in our mind,
one that keeps taking up more and more and more
real estate in our mind for free, and it ends
up leaving no thoughts for anything else, no other positive thoughts.
(04:34):
Because if you're taking up all this room, all this
space in your mind, with all these negative thoughts about yourself,
where's the room left for anything positive that you feel
about yourself? I feel like I've been working through this
for a really long time, but I've consciously made an
effort this year to start working on it again. And
so whenever I get these thoughts. The first question I
ask myself is, so, well, what exactly am I wanting
(04:56):
this for? So? What if I have a little backfat,
what is it that I'm a afraid of? What is
it that I'm trying to avoid? What do I feel
the repercussions would actually be if someone did see me
in this or if I look to myself in the
mirror and thought those thoughts of myself. What am I
going to think or what's going to be different in
my life if people see those parts of my body
that I'm not happy with? Is that really a sign
(05:18):
of imperfection to me? Because the fact is, if I'm
honest about my own life, I feel like I'm in
one of the healthiest states that I've ever been in.
I feel like I'm eating well, I've got a better
relationship with food, I'm sleeping better, getting stronger and stronger
in the workouts I'm doing, and my body shows up
for me every single day.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Our bodies show up for us every day.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
So what is it that's holding me to this idea
of waiting to look a certain way before I can
just love my own body, Waiting to look a certain
way before I believe that I deserve compliments, or stop
batting them away, or believe that I can just put
something on and try to redirect my eyes so it
doesn't constantly just go towards the parts of myself that
I feel subconscious about. And if you think about it,
most of us just end up bullying our bodies out
(05:56):
of habit. It's something that we don't really think about
because it's become son. It's not intentional, it's just become
a habit. We chase these goals without even thinking where
did it come from, or whether we even still have
that belief. I really do believe that having goals is
such an important thing in life, whether it's physical, mental,
or emotional. And if we don't strive to move forward,
(06:17):
the current will slowly push us backwards. So I think
having goals and having motivation to be better is so
necessary and it's such a wonderful thing to have. And
there's also nothing wrong with being mindful about what you eat.
And I think that these two sides of caring for
our body. There's this one side of extreme body positivity
that can be a little bit toxic. Eat what you want,
(06:38):
do what you want, And then there's this other side,
which is almost disordered eating, where every calorie is counted,
and there's this extreme fear of food, which I think
is becoming more and more apparent lately.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
We're living between these two extremes.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Either we just shouldn't care it, or we should care
so much that our whole life is obsessing over it.
And notice that a lot on the internet too. There's
one side where it's like, eat everything, never think about
your body, food freedom, And honestly, sometimes that messaging can
get quite toxic too, because when I think about freedom
and our body or freedom of how we're eating, it's
(07:13):
more that we're not controlled by the food. We're not
controlled by our senses, we're not controlled by other things
except for our desire to nourish our body. And so
as much as we think of eating whatever we want
as being food freedom, actually it's not as it, because
we're being controlled by another thing. We're being controlled by
our own senses, or being controlled by the food that's
in front of us, and not having the ability to
(07:34):
say no, and not having the ability to think about
our body and how we're actually nourishing it. But then
we move on to the other side, the other extreme,
which is counting every calorie and having this fear of foods,
punishing workouts, and equating your worth or your discipline to
what you're eating or how your body looks, feeling like
you felt because you ate a dessert that you really
wanted to eat. Both ends of the spectrum end up
(07:56):
stealing joy, and both ends disconnect you from your body
instead of bringing you back to it. And I think
that's what you have to think about care as right, Like,
is it bringing me back to my body or is
it taking me away from it? Is it making me
understand my body a little bit more or is it
making me punish my body a little bit more? And
I think most of us are just trying to really
live in this somewhere in between where we care but
(08:17):
we don't obsess. Where we nourish ourselves, but we don't
punish ourselves for what we're eating and what we're doing,
and where we have goals, but we don't let those
goals become the only lens that we see our worth through.
We're not looking for perfect bodies, we're not looking to
do whatever we want, We're not looking for extreme discipline.
We just want a bit of peace and contentment and
confidence in our body, a relationship with our body that
(08:39):
feels like kindness and not criticism. And you know what,
the real truth about those bodies that we strive for
is that they take a lot more than the ten
k steps and a couple of weight workouts a week.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Most of the.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
People who have these idealistic bodies that we have in
our mind or that we obsess over, the shredded abs,
is there a backfat, the carved jawlons, the no jiggle
an you wear physiques.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
It is literally their entire life. It's their job.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
They live it, they breathe it, they think about it constantly.
Their food, their sleep, their workouts, their schedule, everything is
focused around that. Everything's built around maintaining that. And that
is absolutely incredible to have that discipline, and there's absolutely
nothing wrong with that at all. But for most of us,
that's not the life that we want, and deep down
we also know it. And I realized, I just don't
(09:24):
want to spend my twenties, thirties, forties, my whole entire
life micromanaging every calorie, obsessing over every angle, and structuring
my entire day around whether my stomach looks flat enough.
I don't want the kind of body that requires me
to be in a constant mental prison to maintain it.
I want a body, yes, but I also really want
a life and I love food. And so you're so
much more than just your body and how you look.
(09:47):
And as much as the world tells you that that
is what's most important, you have to remind yourself every
single day that that is fake ask news.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
So here's a little.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Hardcore loving reminder that you might need. If to listen
to this, it means that you need a little boost,
and I hope that I.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Can give it to you. You are a woman in.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
This world who has already carried more expectations, more pressure,
more body commentary, and more silent battles than most people
will ever ever understand. So I just want to remind
you of something that society often makes us forget. Your
body is the least interesting thing about you. Your softness,
your curves, your belly, your cellulate, your back fat. None
(10:25):
of that determines your intelligence, your compassion, your power, your humor,
your resilience, your spirit, your ability to connect to people.
Our worth does not shrink or expand depending on our stomach.
And you are not put on this earth to be
visibly pleasing twenty four to seven, and I think we
forget that. It's like we think that we're in the
world to be a mantle piece or a show piece
(10:46):
every single time that we walk out into the world,
or we feel like our body is our decoration and
that we have to show it off. We are whole
human beings. There's so much more to us than just
the physical body. Actually, I remember reading this in The Vaders.
It talks about how our body body is literally just
composed of matter, where all the different elements that puts
together our physical form, and so there is so much
(11:09):
more to.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Us than that.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
The interesting thing is whenever I and this is getting
a little bit dark for this conversation, but whenever I've
seen bodies that no longer have life in them, their
whole physical body looks completely different to what it did before.
And if you think about it, that's because the personality,
the vibrance, the life inside of them is what makes
a person so beautiful. It's what makes a person an
(11:32):
actual human And so yes, looking after a physical body
is of course important, but I want you to remember
that there's so much more to you, and if you're
not remembering that maybe that's a sign that you need
to get to know yourself a little bit more. Maybe
it's a sign that you need to write down all
these incredible things about yourself. Maybe you need to write
a list that you look over every single morning to
fight against this natural instinct that you have to criticize
(11:54):
your body and remind yourself of what else is it
that I have to offer? What else is it that
I have going for me in my life? What else
is say that I love about myself? To counteract all
the negative thoughts that you have going on in your
mind all the time. And it's so natural for our
bodies to fluctuate, to soften, to grow, to shift, to bloat,
to age, because that just means that we're alive, we're human.
And on the days that you actually don't like what
(12:16):
you see in the mirror and you're feeling a little
bit crappy, try and remember that there are the people
who you see as having the perfect bodies who feel
really miserable, and some who feel absolutely amazing.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And there are women with bodies.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
That society wouldn't class as stereotypically aesthetically pleasing, who walk
into a room like God has sent them in there
with their heads held high in full confidence, and some
who feel like they want to disappear. And so no
matter what people's bodies shape or sizes, everybody seems to
have the same feeling. I remember this one situation where
I was in an event and this incredible girl walk
(12:50):
through the door, and I was thinking about what struck
my attention to look at her, and it actually wasn't
her body, and it wasn't her beautiful hair. It was
actually the way that she had her head held up high,
and she walked in with so much swag and confidence.
And I thought, that makes such a difference. You could
have your dream physical body and walk into a room
(13:11):
and have your head looking down, be shrunk in your
body because you don't feel confident in it. And so
I think there's so much more to being attractive, and
there's so much more to being an attractive personality than
just what our body looks like on that day. Over time,
I think I've noticed that whenever I feel confident, I
feel like the cutest person, the sexiest person, the best
(13:34):
version of myself. When I feel confident in myself, even
if my physical body isn't where it's at And sometimes
I find that even after a workout, you know, when
you've had a hard workout or you've had a week
of hitting your goals, even if you don't see a
change on the scale, or even if you don't see
a change in the things that you're wearing, you feel
the confidence because you've looked after your body, like your
mind knows that you've looked after it, and then it
(13:56):
kind of rewards you with this good feeling about yourself.
So I really want you to stop waiting to love
your body until it looks the way that you think
it should. And I was talking to my friend yesterday.
It was really interesting. We were getting some skincare treatments
done together, and we were sitting around the table and
he was telling me about all the different things that
he wants to get done to do with his face,
(14:17):
and you know, I could see a real sense of
fear in his face about getting older. He was really
worried about his skin looking older, his body looking older.
And I've thought about my grandma in that situation, and
it was such a beautiful realization that I got to
have while I spent time with her. I have spent
my whole life watching her being around her, and I
(14:39):
realized that I've never once in my entire life heard
her talk negatively about her body, and whether it was
when she was getting ready, whether it was when she
was looking in the mirror while I was doing her
hair for her, throughout her whole life, from what I
can remember, there was not once where she said, do
I look fat in this? Do I look gross in this?
There's this color an ice on me? Like she really
(15:02):
wasn't focused on her appearance at all. And I can't
remember the last person that I've ever thought of that
I've experienced to be like that. And so I remember
even when she would brush her teeth, I think that
would be the only time she would look at herself
in the mirror, and maybe at night when she brushed
her teeth again, apart from that, or maybe if she
was going out or something and she had to do
her hair, but she wouldn't spend prolonged periods looking at herself.
(15:24):
She just didn't do that. I remember she even got
these things on her arm, which were like these big
nodules on her arm, and it wasn't harmful, it was
just esthetically something that had happened to her and I
had to say, what is that on your arm? For
her to even think of it as something that was
wrong with her. She just saw it as part of aging.
She sawt it something that she embraced as time went on.
(15:44):
And so that's always been such a beautiful reminder to
me every single day where I'm like, actually, the goal
is to just appreciate life and age gracefully. The point
is to just appreciate our body for what it does
for us. She may not have looked in the mirror
every day, but what she did do is thank her
body every single day in her prayer. She would thank
(16:05):
God for her body.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
In her prayer. She would thank God for her eyes, for.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Her ability to hear, for her ability to walk, for
her mouth to still be able to pray. That's what
she cared about, Like, let my physical body be able
to help me in service to others, in service to God.
Let my body be able to still help me look
after people and nourish them and.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Cook for them.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
And I was like, wow, imagine, of course we're never
going to be able to take these thoughts away completely.
We probably won't be able to because the fact is
we look in the mirror way more and we see
ourselves way more than people used to back in the day.
And I feel like she really protected that part of
her life, whether she did it consciously or not. And
we may not have that completely, but what we can
do is be conscious about these are the thoughts that
(16:46):
are going through my head.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So how can I counteract them? How can I not
let them take up too much space?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
And what can I do and say to myself to
help rewire those thoughts?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Because we can.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
We can rewire everything that our brain thinks and all
the patterns that we've created in our mind that can change.
And so what is the process I'm going to go
through to do that? And I was also thinking about
how I would want others to feel around me once
I get older, and it obviously it takes a lot
of work to get to that point. It's like, when
I'm fifty, sixty, seventy eighty years old, do I want
(17:17):
my children, my grandchildren, the people that meet me to
feel that energy from me? Or do I want to
not work through these things and be conscious of everything constantly,
be looking at myself in a way that's negative and
then passing that down to other people, passing that on
to other people. So I don't think it's your body
that's holding me back. I actually think it's just your
(17:38):
belief about your body. And the only way to be
able to become confident is to build confidence in your
perception of yourself. It's going to be really hard to
walk into a room confidently if just before that you
were cussing yourself out, that ends up feeling such a
disconnect in your alignment, and people can really feel that
in your energy. So if you're telling yourself and you're
hyping yourself up beforehand, it's literally like had been your
(18:00):
own hype woman. You have to tell yourself so many
good things about yourself before you walk into somewhere, and
then people can notice that in your energy without even
having to say a word. But your thoughts and your
beliefs have to align with the confidence that you're trying
to feel and express. So I think the main thing
is really thinking about the language that we're using when
we're talking to ourselves, and so how do you fix
your belief about who you are? You figure out where
(18:22):
these insecurities and this idea of your perfect body has
come from, whether it's from your past, but also in
your daily present.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Too.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Most of our body in securities they're not even ours,
they're ones that were handed to us. Someone else made
a comment, or someone else made a joke, someone else
at the standard, and someone else created this image of
what a good body looks like, and we've just been
trying to mold ourselves into that ever since. I still
think about all the random things that people used to
say to me when I was younger, And it's not
that I still believe them, but I still have a
(18:51):
strong memory of the things that were said to me.
I remember once it was like in school and we
had a geography lesson or something, and for some reason,
Bosnia was brought up, and then some of the boys
in my school started calling me Bosnia and I was like,
I wonder why they're calling me that, And then eventually
I found out it was because we read about them
and not having enough food in Bosnia, and they were
(19:12):
saying that I'd eaten all of it, and so I
was like, okay, this the fact that that even stays
in my mind, and now I laugh about it because
I'm like, okay, silly little young boys. But at the
same time, think about all the things that have stuck
in your mind from when you were younger, like all
the little comments, all the tiny little things that are
still in the back of your mind that could be
impacting how you're looking at yourself in the mirror every
(19:34):
single day.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
And that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
If you really stripped all of that away, without all
that noise, your body is just your body. It's just neutral, functional, alive.
It's the one thing that I've shown up for you
every single day. And I'm not saying you have to
suddenly love your body after this. You just need to
stop attacking it. So that's really step one. It's like, Okay,
I'm not telling myself I have to love it adore it,
but let me just stop saying all those things to
(19:57):
myself to start with, and stop watching or consuming content
that really feeds this narrative that you no longer want
to believe. Notice who you're following online. If every woman
that you follow looks like a filtered version of the
same body type, your brain thinks.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
That that is normal.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
So curate your feed as much as you can. Because
we spend a lot of time online and so what
we're seeing is slowly going into our subconscious to follow
strong women, soft women, different types of bodies, non retouched images.
Your brain needs diversity or it will end up punishing
this version of yourself that you live in because you
don't look like everything that you're showing it. Loving your
(20:32):
body might be a lifetime thing, but you can start
respecting it today. So stop letting the mirror set the
tone of your day. The mirror should be information. It
should not be a verdict on how you should spend
the rest of your day or how you should think
for the.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Rest of your day.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
And if looking in the mirror first thing in the
morning ruins your mood, stop looking at it first thing
in the morning. You're allowed to delay looking in the
mirror until you are regulated, until you're fed, until you're hydrated,
and until you've had a moment to set the tone
for your day. Try and create a life where you're
peering is the least interesting part of your day. And
so instead of asking your body, how do I look,
ask it what do you need right now? In most days,
(21:06):
your body will probably just say something incredibly simple like
water or rest or movement or stretching or breath or comfort.
And when you start responding to your needs instead of
criticizing your appearance, everything really does shift. And lastly, where
that outfit that you want to wear anyway? Don't keep
things in your water for when and what if? Sometimes
the healing ends up being in rebellion against all those thoughts.
(21:29):
I'm not changing my clothes because my insecurity told me
to wear.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
The outfit, do the workout.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
And then you realize that you've actually pushed past a
barrier or a boundary that you've created in your mind.
And so I really hope that this helped you a
little bit and gaining a little bit more perspective and
also into little things that you could do every single
day to start shifting towards loving your body more than
disliking it, to appreciating it more than constantly criticizing it.
(21:55):
And I hope that in a couple of years down
the line, or hopefully even across the next few weeks,
you end up shifting the way that you speak to
yourself from morning tonight. Sending your so much love, and
I hope you have such a wonderful, confident week ahead
of you.
I'm not saying you have to suddenly love your body
after this, you just need to stop attacking it.
Speaker 2 (00:04):
So that's really step one.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
I'm Raleydavlukiah, and on my podcast A Really Good Cry,
we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space
for raw, un fielded conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow
you to tune in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey, ryone,
welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry.
I hope you're having such a great week. I today
(00:26):
wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind
so much more this week than usual, and it's this
constant self loathing of our body. I feel like I've
gotten so tired of this constant repetition of negative words
whenever I'm looking in the mirror. The other day, I
woke up and honestly, I was in such a good mood.
I decided to do a little workout at home myself,
(00:48):
and so I went to my wardrobe and I saw
these really comfory yogurish pants that I had in my
wardrobe for.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Quite a long time, but I'd actually never worn them.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So I was like, yeah, it feels like that kind
of day, I feel good for something cute on and
so I put it on with a little crept up,
and I told myself, you know what, it's just me
in my own little home gym today. I can wear
whatever I want. Well, the second that I looked in
the mirror, the first thing that I said in my
mind was I look so chubby in this Why is
my stomach not flat? This top is squeezing and pressing
(01:18):
into my back fat. These pants are highlighting their little
pouch on my stomach that I just can't get rid of.
And basically, within thirty seconds, I'd cust myself out. Like
twenty times, I had said every possible negative thing to
my body that I could think of, and these old,
stale thought patterns and beliefs that I thought i'd work
through came to surface. But you know what, in that moment,
(01:40):
I did something that I wouldn't have usually done in
the past. I actually decided to wear it anyway. I
kind of did it in anger at myself for even
having that reaction. And back then, maybe even like six
months ago, I would have changed into something baggy or
something more flattering in my eyes, and kept those pants on.
The shelf for a whole other year and then throw
out my work out. I had an hour long conversation
(02:02):
with myself. I was walking and running, and usually for me,
they are such great places to hear my thoughts and
to just really process things that are going through my mind.
And I just came to this conclusion that I'm just
so freaking fed up with this constant, deeprooted desire that
I have to be skinny. And I've noticed from conversations
with my friends and things that I read in my
(02:22):
DMS from people, I realize I don't know one woman
that doesn't want to change their body in some way.
They don't want to change the body that they're in,
and I find that so interesting. And I have friends
who I'm like, oh my god, that's that's my dream body,
and they tell me how much they want to change
their body. And I feel like it's like this weird
cycle that anybody that you admire they feel uncomfortable in
(02:44):
their body, and then it carries on with whoever they admire,
and it's just a vicious, vicious, constant pattern that we
seem to keep in us, especially as women. And I
actually grew up overweight until I was about sixteen, and
I just don't think I've ever really shifted that feeling
and this desire to have this flat stomach, to have abs,
to be able to wear whatever I want and not
(03:04):
feel self conscious, having this constant believe that my body
will look better if it has close to no fat
on it. And I think that I've realized that is
an absolute myth. Now, this isn't me saying that we
shouldn't have esthetic goals or body goals that we want
to meet, or places that we'd like to be a
little bit more tone or that we want to work on.
But does it really have to take up so much
(03:24):
of our mind space? I realize that there is such
a difference between caring about your body, looking after it,
thinking about it in a way to improve it, and
having this obsession about it. And I think that the
line between the two can be really blurred. I think
caring about it looks like thinking about what you're eating.
How is it innourishing me? How am I able to
(03:45):
move throughout the day, How do I feel in my
own body? How do I feel in my own skin?
And I think obsessing over it is these constant negative
words that we are using for ourselves whenever we look
in the mirror, whenever we're putting something on, and whenever
we're putting things into our mouth, everything relating back to
our physical appearance. I think that's when it ends up
becoming obsession rather than care, And always think, why does
(04:06):
this care have to lead us to feeling so much
self hate that ends up not really being care in
our body?
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Does it need to be all.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Consuming or can it just be exactly what it is,
just a thought like all the other tens of thousands
of thoughts that we have in our brain. Can't it
just be a thought that comes in and leaves one
that we don't make a home for in our mind,
one that keeps taking up more and more and more
real estate in our mind for free, and it ends
up leaving no thoughts for anything else, no other positive thoughts.
(04:34):
Because if you're taking up all this room, all this
space in your mind, with all these negative thoughts about yourself,
where's the room left for anything positive that you feel
about yourself? I feel like I've been working through this
for a really long time, but I've consciously made an
effort this year to start working on it again. And
so whenever I get these thoughts. The first question I
ask myself is, so, well, what exactly am I wanting
(04:56):
this for? So? What if I have a little backfat,
what is it that I'm a afraid of? What is
it that I'm trying to avoid? What do I feel
the repercussions would actually be if someone did see me
in this or if I look to myself in the
mirror and thought those thoughts of myself. What am I
going to think or what's going to be different in
my life if people see those parts of my body
that I'm not happy with? Is that really a sign
(05:18):
of imperfection to me? Because the fact is, if I'm
honest about my own life, I feel like I'm in
one of the healthiest states that I've ever been in.
I feel like I'm eating well, I've got a better
relationship with food, I'm sleeping better, getting stronger and stronger
in the workouts I'm doing, and my body shows up
for me every single day.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Our bodies show up for us every day.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
So what is it that's holding me to this idea
of waiting to look a certain way before I can
just love my own body, Waiting to look a certain
way before I believe that I deserve compliments, or stop
batting them away, or believe that I can just put
something on and try to redirect my eyes so it
doesn't constantly just go towards the parts of myself that
I feel subconscious about. And if you think about it,
most of us just end up bullying our bodies out
(05:56):
of habit. It's something that we don't really think about
because it's become son. It's not intentional, it's just become
a habit. We chase these goals without even thinking where
did it come from, or whether we even still have
that belief. I really do believe that having goals is
such an important thing in life, whether it's physical, mental,
or emotional. And if we don't strive to move forward,
(06:17):
the current will slowly push us backwards. So I think
having goals and having motivation to be better is so
necessary and it's such a wonderful thing to have. And
there's also nothing wrong with being mindful about what you eat.
And I think that these two sides of caring for
our body. There's this one side of extreme body positivity
that can be a little bit toxic. Eat what you want,
(06:38):
do what you want, And then there's this other side,
which is almost disordered eating, where every calorie is counted,
and there's this extreme fear of food, which I think
is becoming more and more apparent lately.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
We're living between these two extremes.
Speaker 1 (06:52):
Either we just shouldn't care it, or we should care
so much that our whole life is obsessing over it.
And notice that a lot on the internet too. There's
one side where it's like, eat everything, never think about
your body, food freedom, And honestly, sometimes that messaging can
get quite toxic too, because when I think about freedom
and our body or freedom of how we're eating, it's
(07:13):
more that we're not controlled by the food. We're not
controlled by our senses, we're not controlled by other things
except for our desire to nourish our body. And so
as much as we think of eating whatever we want
as being food freedom, actually it's not as it, because
we're being controlled by another thing. We're being controlled by
our own senses, or being controlled by the food that's
in front of us, and not having the ability to
(07:34):
say no, and not having the ability to think about
our body and how we're actually nourishing it. But then
we move on to the other side, the other extreme,
which is counting every calorie and having this fear of foods,
punishing workouts, and equating your worth or your discipline to
what you're eating or how your body looks, feeling like
you felt because you ate a dessert that you really
wanted to eat. Both ends of the spectrum end up
(07:56):
stealing joy, and both ends disconnect you from your body
instead of bringing you back to it. And I think
that's what you have to think about care as right, Like,
is it bringing me back to my body or is
it taking me away from it? Is it making me
understand my body a little bit more or is it
making me punish my body a little bit more? And
I think most of us are just trying to really
live in this somewhere in between where we care but
(08:17):
we don't obsess. Where we nourish ourselves, but we don't
punish ourselves for what we're eating and what we're doing,
and where we have goals, but we don't let those
goals become the only lens that we see our worth through.
We're not looking for perfect bodies, we're not looking to
do whatever we want, We're not looking for extreme discipline.
We just want a bit of peace and contentment and
confidence in our body, a relationship with our body that
(08:39):
feels like kindness and not criticism. And you know what,
the real truth about those bodies that we strive for
is that they take a lot more than the ten
k steps and a couple of weight workouts a week.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Most of the.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
People who have these idealistic bodies that we have in
our mind or that we obsess over, the shredded abs,
is there a backfat, the carved jawlons, the no jiggle
an you wear physiques.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
It is literally their entire life. It's their job.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
They live it, they breathe it, they think about it constantly.
Their food, their sleep, their workouts, their schedule, everything is
focused around that. Everything's built around maintaining that. And that
is absolutely incredible to have that discipline, and there's absolutely
nothing wrong with that at all. But for most of us,
that's not the life that we want, and deep down
we also know it. And I realized, I just don't
(09:24):
want to spend my twenties, thirties, forties, my whole entire
life micromanaging every calorie, obsessing over every angle, and structuring
my entire day around whether my stomach looks flat enough.
I don't want the kind of body that requires me
to be in a constant mental prison to maintain it.
I want a body, yes, but I also really want
a life and I love food. And so you're so
much more than just your body and how you look.
(09:47):
And as much as the world tells you that that
is what's most important, you have to remind yourself every
single day that that is fake ask news.
Speaker 2 (09:56):
So here's a little.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Hardcore loving reminder that you might need. If to listen
to this, it means that you need a little boost,
and I hope that I.
Speaker 2 (10:03):
Can give it to you. You are a woman in.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
This world who has already carried more expectations, more pressure,
more body commentary, and more silent battles than most people
will ever ever understand. So I just want to remind
you of something that society often makes us forget. Your
body is the least interesting thing about you. Your softness,
your curves, your belly, your cellulate, your back fat. None
(10:25):
of that determines your intelligence, your compassion, your power, your humor,
your resilience, your spirit, your ability to connect to people.
Our worth does not shrink or expand depending on our stomach.
And you are not put on this earth to be
visibly pleasing twenty four to seven, and I think we
forget that. It's like we think that we're in the
world to be a mantle piece or a show piece
(10:46):
every single time that we walk out into the world,
or we feel like our body is our decoration and
that we have to show it off. We are whole
human beings. There's so much more to us than just
the physical body. Actually, I remember reading this in The Vaders.
It talks about how our body body is literally just
composed of matter, where all the different elements that puts
together our physical form, and so there is so much
(11:09):
more to.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
Us than that.
Speaker 1 (11:10):
The interesting thing is whenever I and this is getting
a little bit dark for this conversation, but whenever I've
seen bodies that no longer have life in them, their
whole physical body looks completely different to what it did before.
And if you think about it, that's because the personality,
the vibrance, the life inside of them is what makes
a person so beautiful. It's what makes a person an
(11:32):
actual human And so yes, looking after a physical body
is of course important, but I want you to remember
that there's so much more to you, and if you're
not remembering that maybe that's a sign that you need
to get to know yourself a little bit more. Maybe
it's a sign that you need to write down all
these incredible things about yourself. Maybe you need to write
a list that you look over every single morning to
fight against this natural instinct that you have to criticize
(11:54):
your body and remind yourself of what else is it
that I have to offer? What else is it that
I have going for me in my life? What else
is say that I love about myself? To counteract all
the negative thoughts that you have going on in your
mind all the time. And it's so natural for our
bodies to fluctuate, to soften, to grow, to shift, to bloat,
to age, because that just means that we're alive, we're human.
And on the days that you actually don't like what
(12:16):
you see in the mirror and you're feeling a little
bit crappy, try and remember that there are the people
who you see as having the perfect bodies who feel
really miserable, and some who feel absolutely amazing.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
And there are women with bodies.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
That society wouldn't class as stereotypically aesthetically pleasing, who walk
into a room like God has sent them in there
with their heads held high in full confidence, and some
who feel like they want to disappear. And so no
matter what people's bodies shape or sizes, everybody seems to
have the same feeling. I remember this one situation where
I was in an event and this incredible girl walk
(12:50):
through the door, and I was thinking about what struck
my attention to look at her, and it actually wasn't
her body, and it wasn't her beautiful hair. It was
actually the way that she had her head held up high,
and she walked in with so much swag and confidence.
And I thought, that makes such a difference. You could
have your dream physical body and walk into a room
(13:11):
and have your head looking down, be shrunk in your
body because you don't feel confident in it. And so
I think there's so much more to being attractive, and
there's so much more to being an attractive personality than
just what our body looks like on that day. Over time,
I think I've noticed that whenever I feel confident, I
feel like the cutest person, the sexiest person, the best
(13:34):
version of myself. When I feel confident in myself, even
if my physical body isn't where it's at And sometimes
I find that even after a workout, you know, when
you've had a hard workout or you've had a week
of hitting your goals, even if you don't see a
change on the scale, or even if you don't see
a change in the things that you're wearing, you feel
the confidence because you've looked after your body, like your
mind knows that you've looked after it, and then it
(13:56):
kind of rewards you with this good feeling about yourself.
So I really want you to stop waiting to love
your body until it looks the way that you think
it should. And I was talking to my friend yesterday.
It was really interesting. We were getting some skincare treatments
done together, and we were sitting around the table and
he was telling me about all the different things that
he wants to get done to do with his face,
(14:17):
and you know, I could see a real sense of
fear in his face about getting older. He was really
worried about his skin looking older, his body looking older.
And I've thought about my grandma in that situation, and
it was such a beautiful realization that I got to
have while I spent time with her. I have spent
my whole life watching her being around her, and I
(14:39):
realized that I've never once in my entire life heard
her talk negatively about her body, and whether it was
when she was getting ready, whether it was when she
was looking in the mirror while I was doing her
hair for her, throughout her whole life, from what I
can remember, there was not once where she said, do
I look fat in this? Do I look gross in this?
There's this color an ice on me? Like she really
(15:02):
wasn't focused on her appearance at all. And I can't
remember the last person that I've ever thought of that
I've experienced to be like that. And so I remember
even when she would brush her teeth, I think that
would be the only time she would look at herself
in the mirror, and maybe at night when she brushed
her teeth again, apart from that, or maybe if she
was going out or something and she had to do
her hair, but she wouldn't spend prolonged periods looking at herself.
(15:24):
She just didn't do that. I remember she even got
these things on her arm, which were like these big
nodules on her arm, and it wasn't harmful, it was
just esthetically something that had happened to her and I
had to say, what is that on your arm? For
her to even think of it as something that was
wrong with her. She just saw it as part of aging.
She sawt it something that she embraced as time went on.
(15:44):
And so that's always been such a beautiful reminder to
me every single day where I'm like, actually, the goal
is to just appreciate life and age gracefully. The point
is to just appreciate our body for what it does
for us. She may not have looked in the mirror
every day, but what she did do is thank her
body every single day in her prayer. She would thank
(16:05):
God for her body.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
In her prayer. She would thank God for her eyes, for.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Her ability to hear, for her ability to walk, for
her mouth to still be able to pray. That's what
she cared about, Like, let my physical body be able
to help me in service to others, in service to God.
Let my body be able to still help me look
after people and nourish them and.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Cook for them.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
And I was like, wow, imagine, of course we're never
going to be able to take these thoughts away completely.
We probably won't be able to because the fact is
we look in the mirror way more and we see
ourselves way more than people used to back in the day.
And I feel like she really protected that part of
her life, whether she did it consciously or not. And
we may not have that completely, but what we can
do is be conscious about these are the thoughts that
(16:46):
are going through my head.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So how can I counteract them? How can I not
let them take up too much space?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
And what can I do and say to myself to
help rewire those thoughts?
Speaker 2 (16:56):
Because we can.
Speaker 1 (16:57):
We can rewire everything that our brain thinks and all
the patterns that we've created in our mind that can change.
And so what is the process I'm going to go
through to do that? And I was also thinking about
how I would want others to feel around me once
I get older, and it obviously it takes a lot
of work to get to that point. It's like, when
I'm fifty, sixty, seventy eighty years old, do I want
(17:17):
my children, my grandchildren, the people that meet me to
feel that energy from me? Or do I want to
not work through these things and be conscious of everything constantly,
be looking at myself in a way that's negative and
then passing that down to other people, passing that on
to other people. So I don't think it's your body
that's holding me back. I actually think it's just your
(17:38):
belief about your body. And the only way to be
able to become confident is to build confidence in your
perception of yourself. It's going to be really hard to
walk into a room confidently if just before that you
were cussing yourself out, that ends up feeling such a
disconnect in your alignment, and people can really feel that
in your energy. So if you're telling yourself and you're
hyping yourself up beforehand, it's literally like had been your
(18:00):
own hype woman. You have to tell yourself so many
good things about yourself before you walk into somewhere, and
then people can notice that in your energy without even
having to say a word. But your thoughts and your
beliefs have to align with the confidence that you're trying
to feel and express. So I think the main thing
is really thinking about the language that we're using when
we're talking to ourselves, and so how do you fix
your belief about who you are? You figure out where
(18:22):
these insecurities and this idea of your perfect body has
come from, whether it's from your past, but also in
your daily present.
Speaker 2 (18:28):
Too.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Most of our body in securities they're not even ours,
they're ones that were handed to us. Someone else made
a comment, or someone else made a joke, someone else
at the standard, and someone else created this image of
what a good body looks like, and we've just been
trying to mold ourselves into that ever since. I still
think about all the random things that people used to
say to me when I was younger, And it's not
that I still believe them, but I still have a
(18:51):
strong memory of the things that were said to me.
I remember once it was like in school and we
had a geography lesson or something, and for some reason,
Bosnia was brought up, and then some of the boys
in my school started calling me Bosnia and I was like,
I wonder why they're calling me that, And then eventually
I found out it was because we read about them
and not having enough food in Bosnia, and they were
(19:12):
saying that I'd eaten all of it, and so I
was like, okay, this the fact that that even stays
in my mind, and now I laugh about it because
I'm like, okay, silly little young boys. But at the
same time, think about all the things that have stuck
in your mind from when you were younger, like all
the little comments, all the tiny little things that are
still in the back of your mind that could be
impacting how you're looking at yourself in the mirror every
(19:34):
single day.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
And that's the thing.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
If you really stripped all of that away, without all
that noise, your body is just your body. It's just neutral, functional, alive.
It's the one thing that I've shown up for you
every single day. And I'm not saying you have to
suddenly love your body after this. You just need to
stop attacking it. So that's really step one. It's like, Okay,
I'm not telling myself I have to love it adore it,
but let me just stop saying all those things to
(19:57):
myself to start with, and stop watching or consuming content
that really feeds this narrative that you no longer want
to believe. Notice who you're following online. If every woman
that you follow looks like a filtered version of the
same body type, your brain thinks.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
That that is normal.
Speaker 1 (20:12):
So curate your feed as much as you can. Because
we spend a lot of time online and so what
we're seeing is slowly going into our subconscious to follow
strong women, soft women, different types of bodies, non retouched images.
Your brain needs diversity or it will end up punishing
this version of yourself that you live in because you
don't look like everything that you're showing it. Loving your
(20:32):
body might be a lifetime thing, but you can start
respecting it today. So stop letting the mirror set the
tone of your day. The mirror should be information. It
should not be a verdict on how you should spend
the rest of your day or how you should think
for the.
Speaker 2 (20:43):
Rest of your day.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
And if looking in the mirror first thing in the
morning ruins your mood, stop looking at it first thing
in the morning. You're allowed to delay looking in the
mirror until you are regulated, until you're fed, until you're hydrated,
and until you've had a moment to set the tone
for your day. Try and create a life where you're
peering is the least interesting part of your day. And
so instead of asking your body, how do I look,
ask it what do you need right now? In most days,
(21:06):
your body will probably just say something incredibly simple like
water or rest or movement or stretching or breath or comfort.
And when you start responding to your needs instead of
criticizing your appearance, everything really does shift. And lastly, where
that outfit that you want to wear anyway? Don't keep
things in your water for when and what if? Sometimes
the healing ends up being in rebellion against all those thoughts.
(21:29):
I'm not changing my clothes because my insecurity told me
to wear.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
The outfit, do the workout.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
And then you realize that you've actually pushed past a
barrier or a boundary that you've created in your mind.
And so I really hope that this helped you a
little bit and gaining a little bit more perspective and
also into little things that you could do every single
day to start shifting towards loving your body more than
disliking it, to appreciating it more than constantly criticizing it.
(21:55):
And I hope that in a couple of years down
the line, or hopefully even across the next few weeks,
you end up shifting the way that you speak to
yourself from morning tonight. Sending your so much love, and
I hope you have such a wonderful, confident week ahead
of you.
Host
Radhi Devlukia
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