LS Episode 538: The Fix-A-Man Era (feat. Spicy Mari)

What does it really take to build a healthy relationship in today’s dating world?

Relationship coach Spicy Mari pulls up to Lip Service for a raw, unfiltered conversation about cheating, dating standards, financial power, emotional boundaries, and why love alone is not enough.

From being obsessed with finding a father as a child, to recognizing how unhealthy relationship patterns are passed down, Mari breaks down how awareness and intention are the only way to stop repeating the same mistakes. She explains why so many women end up “building” men who later leave, how unrealistic expectations are hurting modern dating, and why financial compatibility is one of the most overlooked forms of intimacy.

The group also dives into:
– How financial secrecy becomes financial infidelity
– What really happens after cheating and how trust is rebuilt
– Why scheduling intimacy can save long-term relationships
– The truth about standards, self-worth, and being equally yoked
– Why some people stay in toxic relationships even when they know better

Spicy Mari also opens up about her own journey, her professional background, and what she’s learned from counseling thousands of couples — plus behind-the-scenes tea from her time on Sneaky Links.

This episode is for anyone who’s tired of settling, tired of repeating cycles, and ready to choose themselves.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
What's up?

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Its lip service? I Menela yee, I'm Gigi Maguire, I'm
Geordie or and am I going?

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Yes?

Speaker 3 (00:08):
Okay? And I am Spicy Maddy, Spicy Matty having that
spicy life.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
You know what I'm saying. I do want to say,
Spicy Matty. I remember you with my girl, Jennifer Williams
on Basketball Wise. Jennifer, that was like some years ago.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
Dan, you have a good memory. Yeah, that's like that
was a while back ago. No, for real, I think
that was actually when I was I might have been
at iHeart at that time.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Doc Winter, that's what you did in my radio.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Okay, Yes, I've given my little spicy tips on the air. Okay,
good time.

Speaker 2 (00:41):
How was you know when you were on there, you
were kind of talking to her about unhealthy relationship patterns
and what you see in your parents and how that
kind of reflects on your relationships. And I think that's true.
I feel like people either do what their parents did
or the opposite, exact opposite.

Speaker 3 (00:57):
In order to do the opposite, though, I think you
have to be from me intentional about it, because at
first you have to be aware, and then you have
to be intentional about the change behavior, because sometimes even
in my fields and knowing the answers and the solutions
and all the tools and all the formulas, I will
catch myself saying things and doing things and making decisions
that my mama would have made. So the awareness has

(01:18):
to be there, and then it's like, Okay, I'm going
to intentionally do something different that's healthy.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
So wait, so you think your mom did some unhealth
made some unhealthy decisions.

Speaker 3 (01:26):
That the origin story of spicy Moody, and I give
my mom all the credit. My mother was married three times, okay,
and I was obsessed with finding a father I will.
I wanted to father more than anything, and I felt
like I needed to be in the two parent home.

(01:46):
Why does everybody else have two parents? I don't. When
my mom was in a relationship, I noticed that although
there would be some toxic behavior in the relationship, there
was more income coming in, there was more toys, there
was more attention. She was happier. So I made it
my mission to set her up date after date, like
six years old, going to the grocery store, to the
gas station. Look at this package like little girls, look

(02:11):
at my mom. And after the third divorce, I was
kind of like, Okay, what's going on here?

Speaker 1 (02:16):
My mom saw a.

Speaker 3 (02:17):
Gift in me, and she was like, you need to
go to school. You need to be educated. Don't make
the same you know, poor choices and men that I made.
She was like, you're obsessed with love, but now you
need the education and the tools behind it so that
you can actually be a resource to people.

Speaker 1 (02:29):
Right.

Speaker 3 (02:29):
And she also saw my obsession with like I want
a man too.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
And so because you think that because when you were
young getting those gifts and toys and your mother being
happier and being more stable, you kind of equated that
to a man being in the equation yes, and then.

Speaker 3 (02:44):
One thousand percent what I did one thousand percent.

Speaker 2 (02:47):
Wow, that's I mean interesting, you know, it's interesting to
me also because I saw on your podcast you also
were having this conversation about men not wanting to be
in a relationship until they feel like they have everything
together and that means their financial stability, like all of
those things. A lot of times guys will hide what

(03:07):
they feel are shortcomings. They might think, well, she may
not like me if I don't have this together, that together,
this together, and do you think that women today we
were having this conversation before you came in here. Do
you feel like women have put these standards on men
and dating where they have to make a certain amount
of money, they have to do all of these things

(03:28):
for you, And do you think those standards are fair?

Speaker 3 (03:31):
I think as women, we have always operated from a
place of expectations. I expect that in relationship, this is
what happens for me to me and with me fast forward,
we are just as equally successful. And so now not
only do we have the expectations, we also can match it.
So we're like, Okay, well, if I can provide these

(03:51):
for myself, you too need to be able to do
it for me. And so the ideologies and the unrealistic
expects is what's hurting us. But uh, if you're very
clear on what you want, it's not so much about, uh,
can I get it or can I not? It's more
about is it what I want or what I need?

(04:13):
Because everything you want isn't necessarily what you need.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
Okay, Okay, that's fair. I also was saying, we hear
these stories about oh, she was with him when he
didn't have anything, and then she supported him through that,
and now look at where he is and we all
want to feel like we could do that type of relationship,
but it feels like we're being told no, if he
don't have it, then he's not ready or in a

(04:35):
space to date.

Speaker 3 (04:37):
Okay, So so you have to decide what season of
your life are in. If you were in my I'm
gonna be a savior, a fixer, I'm ready for a project,
then you're gonna go through that season and you're gonna see, Okay,
I'm gonna build this person up, and he might potentially
choose somebody else. He may, you know, rise based off
of what I built, and I'm not I might not

(04:57):
reap the reaper or the I might the fits of
what I've poured into them.

Speaker 1 (05:02):
If you were.

Speaker 3 (05:03):
Intientional about wanting to be equally yoked with someone, you're
going to be pouring into their cup, making sure they
pour into yours. Every time you pour into me, I'm
gonna pour into you. It's not gonna be so much.
You pour one little ounce and now I'm pour in
a gallon. And oftentimes we get trapped in that. I'm
guilty of that in my past life, having poured so
much into men and not making sure that my cup

(05:24):
was filled up as well, right, a lot. So my
project going for a long time, like my clients are
the only projects I take on.

Speaker 4 (05:33):
And so when women come to you and they're in
a predicament where they feel like maybe their partner isn't
where they want them to be financially, what do you
tell them? Do you ask them if it's worth the investment,
or like, what do you think someone should do in
that situation?

Speaker 3 (05:49):
So here's the thing. We have to understand that when
it comes to finances, and we have to be very
specific about the number that we think will make us happy, okay,
because we all have it in our head when the
number that will make you happy and satisfied with your
man might be different than the number that would make
me satisfying. Right, So we have to decide once again
what season are we in? Are you in your I
need passion and that is the priority, or I need

(06:10):
security and that is the priority. Because if it's all
about the security and you want someone who makes a
certain amount, then are you willing to do the work
of that earning? Because think about it like a job,
a position that is paying the work two million, The
expectations are very different and the amount of energy that
you have to put insue that role is very different

(06:30):
than a job that makes thirty K and so and
so does the work of actually finding that relationship because
the population that we're asking for that's high earning men
is very low. So if you want that unicorn, you
need to do the work to find that unicorn.

Speaker 2 (06:45):
I'm gonna be honest. For me, money has never been
a major issue in a relationship. Like I've never dated
somebody because I felt like find you know, they brought
me financial stability or security. But I do feel like
that also comes with the fact that I've done well
for myself and it's not something that is like, I'm
not going to be stable unless you know he Now,

(07:06):
I don't want to be taking advantage of either, like
I want somebody that can handle their own. But I also,
like I saw somebody post if you need a man
to pay for your hair, your nails and do all
of and pay for your bills and do all of that,
and you're not ready to be in a relationship.

Speaker 3 (07:22):
I'm married and I still haven't paying for that.

Speaker 2 (07:24):
So but not if you if he doesn't, because he
wants to if you need it, Like you know, some
people will say I need someone to do this or
I'm not gonna.

Speaker 1 (07:34):
I feel like that's bare minimum you should be doing
for yourself.

Speaker 3 (07:37):
Yeah, like absolutely, there should be no reason that you
are leading goodbye.

Speaker 1 (07:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (07:43):
However, those kind acts do make us feel good, right,
Like it's like, okay, we don't even worry about it,
like good for your hair. But there is some truth
to being self sufficient, right I don't. I'm not here
for the independence because I actually very much need my man,
my manion. I can't live with him, I can't live
without him. But when it comes to the need part,

(08:07):
if he were to disappear tomorrow, would my finances like
shift crazy? No, I would be good. But I like
the extra and I like the treatment as well. And
I don't think that based on what a man makes
should be the determining factor of whether he's lovable. Okay,

(08:28):
I don't think that men are valued at, you know,
their income bracket when it comes to love. I don't
think that that should be the only prerequisite. There's a
lot of other factors that should come into play.

Speaker 2 (08:37):
Should we be looking at it, Like what if we've
lost everything, could we still be together? Absolutely?

Speaker 3 (08:43):
And that's what I had to tell myself too. I
when it comes to the chivalry and the pampered and
all that, I like a lot of things I do,
I don't know me I want with on my like
you know, wish list. But when it comes to the
you know, should we be you know, discriminating against them

(09:07):
because they don't hit a certain bracket Like, that's when
it's like, well, what are your priorities here? What are
the things that you care more about? Because if it's
about the financial aspect, then it's going to take a
lot longer for you to get there with somebody who's
also a good person.

Speaker 2 (09:21):
Right.

Speaker 1 (09:22):
Do you think that love is enough? Though?

Speaker 3 (09:25):
Oh no, absolutely not so wet to be Like when
I was dating my husband, though back to the point earlier,
I looked at it as because he made more than
me at the time, he also helped me grow the
spicy life, right, And so I looked at that time
of if we were to lose everything tomorrow, do I
love you enough just for you? If we were in

(09:45):
a jail cell, could I survive five years in this
jail cell with just you. You can't buy me anything,
you can't take me anywhere, you can't do anything other
than just your personality pouring into me. And my answer
was one thousand percent. Yes, one thousand percent. And if
we were on a the islands, I know for sure
he would find a way to get us off right,
like no doubt, hero day and day. Yes, but I

(10:07):
like a certain arc type of man. I won't date
men who are not heroes because I like to be saved.
What I mean by saving is not that I can't
take care of myself. But every time I have a problem,
I want you come up with a solution.

Speaker 1 (10:19):
To fix it.

Speaker 2 (10:20):
Yeah, Or sometimes I want you to also know if
I'm telling you about something, I don't need you to
always fix it. Sometimes I just want you to listen.

Speaker 3 (10:27):
Yeah, And that's when he's do you want do you
want to advice? Do you want to listen?

Speaker 2 (10:32):
Sometimes sometimes you just want to like, come plain.

Speaker 3 (10:35):
I want advance because that advanced.

Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah. It's certain times you're like, I don't need you
trying to tell me what I need to do right now.
Just listen, Yeah, just listen. And I just want to
get it out there and be like, because you know,
sometimes we and I'm gonna admit this and take accountability
as a woman. Sometimes we could come to our significant
other with our problems and then they're trying to solve
it and we're arguing about the solutions. Yeah, because I
don't really want to do that right now. I just

(10:58):
want to say what I want to say. I don't
need you trying to be practical at the moment.

Speaker 3 (11:01):
I tell you an interviews, I'm like they've been about
to tell you about my home girl. I don't need
you just offer anything. I just want you to pretend
to care. Just pretend to care about what's going on
with me and d D right now now you will speciybody.
I want to also put this out there now because
I know whenever there's a quote relationship expert, people always
question the validity the education and they want to know, well,

(11:24):
what makes this person qualify? But I want you to
run down your qualifications because you have them. But I
know people will be like, she just up there talking,
she don't know what she's talking about, because people love.

Speaker 1 (11:34):
To say that they do.

Speaker 3 (11:36):
So UC Berkeley USC Spellman, right, I have my BA
N Masters in Communications and certified in the got from
the Government Institute, and then also a certified dating coach
as well. So I also do marital counseling. I'll do
relationship coaching and magnetic matchmaking, which is like helping singles

(11:57):
become the best version of themselves so that they can
get into a relationship. Not only do I help them
attract their purpose mate and keep the love going, I
also have done it for myself, and then I have
done it for thousands of thousands of clients. And then
I also studied it in my master's program, My Spicy Method.

Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, I just want to put that out there because
I know that always happenations over here. Now, I want
to talk about Sneaky Link on Netflix because a lot
of people know you from that show, all right, So
questions about the sneaky Links, because the other thing is
how did sneakily the producers know who's who your sneaky

(12:40):
link was? Because the sneaky Link is supposed to be
just that.

Speaker 3 (12:44):
So when I tell you the level of research that
they did with the people who they were interviewing that
wanted to be on the reality show, they went into
like how many partners you've been with? Where does that
partner live? Go, give us the entire list of of
people that you've been a relationship with. That you have
slept with, not telling them that it's going to be

(13:05):
for the show. I'm thinking that it's a background check
to make sure that they don't have any like priors
or that they don't have any like baggage that they're
coming with. Right you say you're single, Okay, prove it,
you know, let us talk to some of the women
who you have like dated before. But they had no
clue that these people who they were scouting would be
for the show. And then when the producers would reach
out or the casting producers reach out to the other contestants,

(13:29):
who's the sneaky link, they wouldn't let them know that
it was the other person. I'm just a recruiter. I
thought your social profile and I thought you'd be a
good fit for the show, not knowing that we're casting
the guy you sleep away right now. Yeah, that's probably

(13:49):
one of the hardest shows that I've heard it's been
to cast for, because you have to keep it a
secret and then hope that those sneaky links don't speak
to it's to make them sign them, you know, nda
and all the things. That's like, you can't tell anybody
you're coming on the show, even the people you're intimate with,
So they really were surprised.

Speaker 2 (14:05):
And that's like, because sometimes just sneaky link is meant
to be just that. Imagine anybody, is there anybody you've
been with this you're embarrassed about that, you would be like,
I don't want nobody to know about this. Embarrassed.

Speaker 5 (14:19):
I don't know if embarrassed is the word.

Speaker 2 (14:23):
Baby, this is secret?

Speaker 1 (14:24):
Yeh reason, but yes, yes, right now?

Speaker 2 (14:32):
What are some things about a guy that would make
you not want of the people to know? Like, what
is it that he's a whore?

Speaker 1 (14:38):
Okay?

Speaker 5 (14:38):
Then he's the community park bench, everybody gets a seat, okay.

Speaker 3 (14:42):
So you would keep him a secret.

Speaker 5 (14:43):
And just like I don't want to get thrown to Yes,
they are, I don't want to get thrown with all
of the rest of them.

Speaker 1 (14:50):
Keep me separate and sneaky.

Speaker 2 (14:51):
What about you Joy Journey guys out there that you're like,
I actually have a sneaky take it to the grade.
Why don't you want people to know about him?

Speaker 3 (15:01):
Because you're not proud of him? That's why there's nikky lynk.

Speaker 1 (15:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (15:04):
But also we have like a we have a friend
group that no one knows that this is happening, and
now it would just be they wouldn't they wouldn't know
even by that hint. But it's yeah, it would be
a little messy. I think, So who gets the friends?
If you guys stop looking up? Who gets the friend group?

Speaker 3 (15:21):
You know, it's like a divorce after the breakout.

Speaker 1 (15:23):
Oh, we'll be good.

Speaker 2 (15:24):
It's not even like that, Like you guys will still
be friends.

Speaker 6 (15:27):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (15:27):
I don't see why not.

Speaker 2 (15:28):
Why couldn't it go further?

Speaker 1 (15:30):
I don't think we.

Speaker 4 (15:31):
Want the same things long term, but right now we're
just what do you want long terms?

Speaker 1 (15:35):
I guess right now, And they're having a lot of
good sets.

Speaker 4 (15:37):
Yeah, but do you want to commit a relationship not
at the moment, not with that person, not with him,
and not at the moment. I don't even know if,
like I know, I saw a couple of videos of
you where you're saying you have to really put the
time in and the investment.

Speaker 3 (15:50):
Yeah, I just don't even want to do that. Okay,
So you're in your like experimental experiential season. Yeah, we're
just like I just want to experience him. I just
want to Yeah, I don't want to be responsible for anyone. Yes,
this is the first time those were friends, I just turned.

Speaker 4 (16:05):
Thirty four and I would celebate for two years, and
so I feel like this is my first time in
life as a sexual person where I'm just like, oh,
I'm not really that attached, but I'm enjoying what it
is and I don't need anything else, And I don't know,
it's a very nice place to be.

Speaker 3 (16:20):
How are you stopping yourself from the attachment part?

Speaker 6 (16:22):
Right?

Speaker 3 (16:22):
Because when you're intimate with someone, you know, you start
pillow talking, you start sharing. How are you stopping yourself?

Speaker 1 (16:29):
You know?

Speaker 2 (16:29):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (16:30):
It's just not happening.

Speaker 4 (16:32):
Like he'll go home and we'll talk sometimes, and then
they'll be like a couple weeks later to be like,
what are you doing?

Speaker 2 (16:38):
Because you have the same friend group. How would you
feel if he had another woman with that bothering you?

Speaker 4 (16:42):
I think he does, but like out with you guys,
Oh oh that wouldn't happen.

Speaker 3 (16:47):
Oh yeah, that wouldn't happen.

Speaker 4 (16:51):
I thought about it. What would happen if I brought
someone around?

Speaker 2 (16:54):
I was going to ask you that next.

Speaker 1 (16:55):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (16:57):
I don't know what would be the problem with that.
If you guys are friends with many friends with benefits,
if he brought some, you feel like he wouldn't do that.
But do you feel like if he did that would
be disrespectful to her?

Speaker 1 (17:08):
Probably? To her? Probably.

Speaker 5 (17:10):
I think that's just a thin line that shouldn't be
cross if there's like an understanding that this is all
it is, like keep your shit over there, yeah, and
I'll stay over here.

Speaker 3 (17:19):
I'm way too possessive for that, Like, don't even try it.
M h uh huh.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
Is there anybody use spicy Mandy from your past that
she would be like so embarrassed if people were like.

Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yes, Because remember I told you like the chivalry and
the courtship is extremely important to me because I'm going
to be asking for whatever it is I want, and
I need to know that you can. You don't have to,
but in that you're capable.

Speaker 1 (17:41):
Uh.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
In my past, well, my esteem was low. I had,
you know, a little cashier taking care of me, like
a legitimate or drill cashier. Okay, Annie, but like fast forward,
this person would never be able to you know and

(18:02):
bless us art, but this person would never be able
to handle me. I was already like too much. We
weren't compatible as well. But for the time he served.

Speaker 1 (18:09):
His purpose was.

Speaker 2 (18:10):
That intimidating for him to be dating you, Because I
think also the problem may not be just like how
you feel like, Okay, he can't handle this, but it
also could be that sometimes men don't like that feeling
and they like overly compensate for the fact that they
don't feel good enough or secure enough.

Speaker 3 (18:31):
Yeah, if we're you have to understand too. You have
to know yourself, Like I own the fact that I'm extra,
I'm gonna be loud, I'm gonna be boisterous, might embarrass
you sometimes even though I try not to, Like, I'm
gonna you know, I'm extremely opinionated. I'm jet sent into
New York for you know, lip service. So you have
to be able to roll with the punches. And sometimes
it's not just on the financial end. Sometimes it's just

(18:52):
on the wanting to be front and present. Yeah, Like
my clients are male and female, so you have to understand.
I'm talking to a couple of singles about not just
you know, sex, but other intimate things in the relationships.
You know, it goes deep as far as how involved
I get in their lives. So if I'm talking to
someone at two am in the morning talking them off

(19:14):
of a ledge from the walk of shame, like you
have to be comfortable and secure with yourself for that.
My husband one thousand percent understands.

Speaker 2 (19:21):
You know, that's interesting. I was thinking about I dated
a guy who worked in retail, and I feel like
he was kind of embarrassed about it, but I was
okay with it. And then he ended up getting fired,
and I think he just got so like down after that,
and he was just having like financial issues, and it

(19:41):
actually made us. It wasn't the fact that I didn't
really care that much. I was young, I didn't have
much money either, but I think he felt so bad
about it it made him a different person. If that
makes sense.

Speaker 3 (19:52):
Well, think about if you were to lose your job,
Like you get depressed when you don't feel like you
are self sufficient or you can suspect.

Speaker 2 (19:59):
I feel like there was an nothing I could do
to make him feel like better or better about it.
And we were also pretty early on in dating, but
there wasn't my man, and I was like every day
it was like a downer. I was like, I already
can't do much for that, But every time I talk
to you, you're you know, complaining you're down, you're depressed.
I'm not your girl. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

(20:19):
And I was like, this isn't going to end.

Speaker 3 (20:21):
Here's the thing with it, and here's the double standard. Okay,
I'm okay with the double standard. Here's the double standard.
When my husband and I were dating, I hadn't gone
back to grad school yet and I was broke.

Speaker 1 (20:31):
As a joke.

Speaker 3 (20:32):
I think it was like I took an interim period
before school started working at a dealership. I didn't have nothing,
and he was perfectly okay with that. I was like,
are you sure, I'm in between, like you know, this
is this job isn't going anywhere like and he was like, no, no, no,
I believe in you. I see the vision. Let's do
this thing. If it was reversed, absolutely not okay. And

(20:53):
this is the double standard because my femininity was not
It wasn't in question because I was unemployed. If it
was reversed, his masculinity would be in question because he
can't provide. So that's the difference between like male and female.
And the dynamics is our our energy in our essence
isn't determined by our employment. That's just like it's an extra,

(21:16):
it's nice, it's icing on the cake. But these men
don't care about that. He could care less if I
made a million versus wait to tables.

Speaker 2 (21:22):
Have you ever felt like you weren't enough, like because
a man was doing so well and you weren't. Has
that ever been a situation?

Speaker 5 (21:29):
It was for me when I was with my ex
and I was financially dependent on him and he would
like punish me by like canceling my car. Oh so
at that moment, I would feel like.

Speaker 2 (21:38):
They call that financial abuse?

Speaker 1 (21:40):
What are you doing? Girl?

Speaker 5 (21:41):
That was what helped me really like level myself up,
because I'm like, I'm never going to allow a man
to have me in that grip again to where though
I'm solely dependent on him for everything.

Speaker 1 (21:50):
Yeah, I learned that lesson quick. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (21:53):
Ever been there financially before?

Speaker 2 (21:56):
Well?

Speaker 4 (21:56):
I feel like my dad when I was younger, he
would he would do that a little bit, and when
I became more independent, he would like freak out and
like try to get me more and then make me
more reliant. I think he had a hard time with
me transitioning into adulthood. Yeah, so he would kind of
do some controlling things like that, but I think relationship wise,
I've actually been more intimated by someone physically where I

(22:18):
felt like they were hotter than me and I was wow,
oh my god, he's on a different level and I
felt he's beautiful. Yeah, he was like stunning.

Speaker 5 (22:29):
I can't.

Speaker 3 (22:31):
Could you, guys, be with somebody that's like, oh, I honestly.

Speaker 1 (22:34):
Like a medium ugly. I like a medium ugly.

Speaker 5 (22:38):
I like a little beer belly, a little I don't
need like flat muscle gorgeous like I could do average.
I could do average with a fire personality. Why do
you think that is? I'm pretty enough and I got brothers,
and all my brothers look like eld Barge, So it's like.

Speaker 1 (22:56):
I don't need a mac. My brother get that.

Speaker 5 (23:00):
I don't need a man that's given like Vico suave
like you remind me my brother, I don't want it.

Speaker 3 (23:04):
You could be attractive, but I can't have you knowing
that you're attractive, and I can't have your esteem based
on your That's the feminine quality to me, that we
care about nails and hairs and everything's done. He should
care less about that, like he let me tell you
to go clean up. But I don't need you making
that your priority. Like my husband is fine, but that

(23:25):
wasn't a pre because it was more about like who
he was as a person. But I can't do the
beer belly like I could do a little bit, do
you know.

Speaker 1 (23:33):
I don't want to leave fat, but I don't want
a little belly.

Speaker 2 (23:35):
I want to Oh my gosh. Like I like guys
that I find attractive. They don't. I don't want them
to look like models or nothing. But I do like
guys that I think are attractive. But to me, because
we all have different standard.

Speaker 3 (23:48):
What's difficult type.

Speaker 2 (23:50):
I do like guys that are in shape more like
on this slim side, not like super bill and muscular.

Speaker 3 (23:56):
You want slim, thick, like lean, a little lean.

Speaker 2 (24:02):
I'm not like into the baller belly or nothing like that. Yes,
and very clean cut. I like a clean cut guy.
I would say that good hygiene. Yes, hygiene is a
huge deal for me. I don't really love the like
grunts look. I like a clean cut you know.

Speaker 3 (24:17):
Yeah, are you with someone right now?

Speaker 1 (24:19):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (24:19):
Is he does he meet that type that you just said?

Speaker 1 (24:21):
Yeah he does?

Speaker 2 (24:22):
He does? Yeah.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
I definitely ghost to a guy before because his fingernails
were dirty.

Speaker 2 (24:27):
Who fingernailsn't ask it because you just think about like
he gonna have his hands on me, what is he touching?

Speaker 3 (24:33):
I let someone go because he smell bad, but he
went on a hike and it like my nostrils and
I had I let him know. Though I don't believe
in ghosting. Okay, I want to end ghosting as we
know it. It's very bad for this, for society, for
our self esteem, okay.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
But its the person.

Speaker 1 (24:50):
It was like second date.

Speaker 3 (24:51):
Tell the person why you don't want them, so that
they can work on that thing, so that they can grow.
If they're not, you know, evolved enough to be able
to take the constructive feedback, so be it. But at
least you did your part to get back to society.
And I had to let him know, like how did
he take that our smells not compatible?

Speaker 2 (25:06):
And how do you say that? Just like that smell
smells like was that the only time?

Speaker 3 (25:10):
And I was like, you look great, square moms, it's
never gonna happen.

Speaker 5 (25:16):
I had ever thought he was musty before, but it
was like he had a lot of pubic hair.

Speaker 1 (25:21):
And it was like the ball was rank and I
had to be.

Speaker 2 (25:24):
Like little mushrooms growing.

Speaker 5 (25:35):
Yeah, I had to be like, maybe you should manscape
it all. Help with the muskiness, some powder.

Speaker 2 (25:40):
Something or how do you tell somebody like they need
to go to the dentist, because somebody I know. It's
like like I want to tell him so badly that
I could see like in between his teeth and then
he needs to go to the dentist, but I don't
know how to do it.

Speaker 3 (25:52):
Okay, So I guided the client through this, uh actually,
and it worked out perfect. So she was in relationship
with someone same problem. She canna actually see the crust,
like the crud and the film. Yes, it looked like
buildings in between his teeth. So she would let him
see flossing and then hand it to him. Baby, you
want a piece and just hand it to him. He

(26:13):
would refuse it. Okay, that's how bad it was. He's like,
I don't need a floss when I it would make
my gums bleed, and yeah, that's exactly what. But he
had a problem with her telling him what to do,
so we had to try another approach.

Speaker 1 (26:25):
Right.

Speaker 3 (26:26):
She was like, I'm scheduling a dentist appointment, baby, let
me make one for you. Let me be your woman
and take care of you. I'll schedule your appointment too.
That didn't work, and.

Speaker 2 (26:35):
So he like, look, I'm not going to fix my teeth.

Speaker 1 (26:38):
What work?

Speaker 3 (26:40):
So she bought herself a new toothbrush, the double pack
at Costco, and then gave him the other tooth brush too,
and she was like, look what I got you like.

Speaker 2 (26:48):
Brush his teeth?

Speaker 3 (26:49):
He did, but we needed to get the conversation. We
needed to get him comfortable with the just the hygiene portion.
And so eventually she was like, you know, its teeth.
Hygiene is extremely important to me, and I would love
it if you were just as you know, if it
was just as important to you, you valued it as much,
and he got upset with her. Fast forward, he was like, look,

(27:12):
I booked the appointment to the dentist, but it took
like a six month to like get this man to
come around.

Speaker 2 (27:19):
That's what it might be okay to drug somebody and
then have the dentist come and no, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 3 (27:23):
No, I want to be told it's hard, like you
have to to try to find every single like way
that you can.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
I don't know that. To me, it's not a good
sign if you can't be honest with somebody about that
and they can't receive it. I kind of would look
at that as a red flag on a yellow flag,
depending on his teeth. But I just think that if
I can't tell you, yeah, bro, like your teeth like
you have, you got to go to the dentist. And
I would want my man to be like, you're right.

(27:56):
You know what I'm saying, yes, because that's a real
thing and he can see it. That's not something that's
a question.

Speaker 5 (28:01):
I had to tell a guy like while brushing his
teeth and spitting out blood, like that's not healthy. Look
into it like that, you shouldn't be bleeding that you
should you shouldn't be.

Speaker 2 (28:10):
At Allia gets in your mouth too, and.

Speaker 5 (28:13):
You shouldn't bleed it over you brush and the exsessiveness.

Speaker 1 (28:16):
I've seen it get worse over time.

Speaker 3 (28:17):
You should get that checked out and it should be
direct like that, Like it could be that easy if
he's not guarded, insecure already feeling like he's not enough
for you, which was some of the dynamic that we
were working with. But I'm more of a straight shugar
like that as well. I'm like, okay, baby, you know
how much I love you.

Speaker 2 (28:34):
You're amazing.

Speaker 3 (28:34):
I'm gonna build a spicy sandwich. I'm gonna be like,
you're the most handsome person in the world. However, I
really really love straight teeth. Okay, growing up, my mom
made sure I had braces. You should get in visil lined.

Speaker 1 (28:45):
Baby.

Speaker 3 (28:46):
Let's go get in visil lined smorrow once again. Baby,
you're the most beautiful man in the world. And my husband, okay,
everything else, but I was like, damn you straight teeth.

Speaker 2 (28:58):
Come on now, see that thing? May somebody feel really
insecure to, like, I know, sometimes you could tell when
people are uncomfortable with the teeth if they like cover
their mouth, you know, kind of when they talk and
they don't want to all the way smile. It is
something that but a lot of people are getting teeth
that look ridiculous, the cheek less.

Speaker 3 (29:17):
It looks like like white, huge, crazy, Like what is that?

Speaker 2 (29:22):
Yeah? I want people to like, are they all going
to the same and.

Speaker 1 (29:27):
Their that isn't even uh supposed to be doing.

Speaker 2 (29:32):
Sometimes people going out.

Speaker 3 (29:33):
The Yeah I've been here about the scammers.

Speaker 2 (29:35):
Yeah, there's the baby. You can't play with your teeth. Okay,
now I'm going to ask you as a relationship expert
and a coach. When couples come to you, what are
the some of the say, the three top common issues
that you see in long term relationships.

Speaker 3 (29:49):
When it's couples. With couples, usually they're coming because they've
they're at their left straw and they don't know how
to communicate okay. Intimacy and trust okay okay. Trust is
usually because it's been broken. Trust usually because it's time
to rebuild.

Speaker 2 (30:06):
What would you tell somebody who is like, I got
caught cheating and she won't let it go or he
won't let it go.

Speaker 3 (30:12):
So you have to decide on your end if you're
the man who did it, or if you're the woman
that did it. Does her recovery like mean more to
me than the actual crime that I committed? Right, because
we just wanted to be forgotten and forgiven. When you
have an affair, we're just like, oh, forget about it.
Stop punishing me for this. But her process right in

(30:34):
healing may be tumultuous, Her process may be inconvenient. Her
process and healing may be loud. It may, you know,
require you to bring it up multiple times. It may
require certain guidelines, certain rules you need to share your location.
You can no longer be friends with you know women anymore.
We come up with the strategy of what that looks
like that he obliges to, that he's comfortable with, and

(30:58):
that he'll agree with if it's him. And sometimes it's
complicated and men have to be like, you know, it's
just easier to leave her and have somebody who doesn't
know then I'm a comeback versus like, let's help get
to the original wounds that created your infidelity, sir, because
she's here for the like, she wants to ride through
you with this, and so sometimes he just thinks that

(31:20):
it's easier to just move on versus healing the wounds
that created it to begin with.

Speaker 2 (31:24):
What do you tell a woman that wants to be
able to forgive him but it's so hard and she
can't stop thinking about it and she can't stop bringing
it up.

Speaker 3 (31:31):
Yeah, that is so painful because I've been cheated on
before in my past.

Speaker 1 (31:36):
Okay, this helped me.

Speaker 3 (31:36):
I would kill him, but you gotta put a little
fear in their hearts so they get the wrong idea.
If she is going through all of the pain and
agony of the you know, cheating, she then has to
decide who is this turning me into? Do I like
who I am becoming after this incident? Because if it's
making me ugly, if it's making me hateful, if it's

(31:57):
making me unrecognizable, that's the first part. Who am I
after this has happened? And what do I want the
relationship to look like? Because oftentimes we'll say, you know,
well he needs to fix it and he needs to
make it right, but we don't know actually what we
need to heal and so we need to think it
through in order to forgive him. What are the five
things that he needs to do, because then we can

(32:17):
hand that to him, he can start tackling it. If
he doesn't want to tackle it, and that's what you
just said you needed, then we need to find somebody
who doesn't want to create as much damage. Right, but
the ruminating on it, the you know, wanting to punish him,
We can't just be punishing him without a goal. There
needs to be a goal in mind, like, Okay, we
are repairing after this, this is what our relationship is
going to look like. You know, there needs to be

(32:39):
some type of milestone so that you know that you
guys have made it through.

Speaker 5 (32:43):
Because you stay for a reason. Absolutely, you're going to
keep beating him down about it, then just leave. Sometimes
you also stay because you don't want to see him
as the other.

Speaker 3 (32:50):
Person who you are without him. So it's not even
because he you so well. I've seen a lot of
people who have come to me and they're in the
relationship with the person because they just don't know how
to be without him, like their identity is attached to
the relationship. And I'm like, well, girl, we can find

(33:11):
you a broke cheater tomorrow. Heckage, you just don't.

Speaker 1 (33:17):
Want to be alone?

Speaker 2 (33:19):
Is it a red flag? Like you know, some people
will say when's a cheater?

Speaker 3 (33:22):
I is a cheater If somebody has a history of
cheating and you get with that person.

Speaker 2 (33:27):
Is it now like, well you knew what he did before?
Or do you think that people in the right situation
can change?

Speaker 1 (33:35):
Okay?

Speaker 3 (33:35):
I talk data first, Okay, Statistically they want they will
one hundred one thousand, one million billion, The chances of
them cheating again is yes, Okay, okay, But do I
believe in the ability to reform and transform? Also yes,

(33:56):
but not if you don't get the help that you need.
That's like saying someone who is an alcoholic or you know,
maybe they're you know, they're addicted to gambling, Like, can
they transform? Absolutely, the chances are very hard. But if
they do the work, if they commit, if they're at
the meetings, if they are finding other resources to pour
into themselves, and they're getting back into their word, like,

(34:17):
if they want to fight for it, right then yes.

Speaker 2 (34:20):
Okay, because you know some people would be like, well,
you know he did this, and then they'll be like, oh, well,
you knew that was gonna happen. He did it to me?

Speaker 5 (34:26):
Well, I honestly feel like people get a different give
a different version of themselves to different people, Like in
different relationships, you might have been like this with her,
but with me, you're going to be like this, or
moving on, you might be different based on the of
those things.

Speaker 3 (34:43):
So usually it's not he was a completely different person
with her. No, no, no, no. Usually it's you're excusing this
behavior because you think that you're more special than her.
He has he told you she didn't mean not much
to him, but you are the one, and so this
thing that is very woman and what he did previously
you have now made an excuse for and said well,

(35:04):
this is why this happened. It's not the same as
certain actually no, no, no, it is patterns or patterns,
habits or habits.

Speaker 2 (35:11):
You know one thing, I know you you'll see it. Marriad,
you talk about domestic violence and you're definitely an advocate
for women in that space. What about in that type
of situation? Right? I want to ask about this because
there are times that women can stay with a man. Yeah,
and a lot of times that does happen, people like
if it was me, how one of left da da da?
A lot of times that does not happen right away.

(35:32):
Can a person change And have you seen that happen?
If they at some point were abusive and then apologetic
about it and then it's like, I'll never do that again.
Tell me about that.

Speaker 3 (35:45):
So I'm always going to say that if you can,
if you are ready to, you have to measure what's
at stake, and if the person is abusive, get out right.
I'm always going to say, save yourself, save your kids, okay,
because they will destroy you and take you down in
the process. However, once again, do I think that someone

(36:05):
can hit you want to not do it habitually? Yes,
I believe that all of us. Even women can also
hit you and not do it again, right, because it's
not just men. Both men and women are both guilty
of domestic violence. But at the same time, what is
he doing to ensure that it doesn't happen again, Because

(36:28):
majority of the time they don't want to be accountable,
they're not putting measures in the place. And the sad
part is is that it will likely happen again. But
you are not enough of a woman to transform that
in him. You have to save yourself, take care of you,
let him do the work, and sometimes that work needs
to be separate. Sometimes it looks like you guys not together,

(36:49):
and people don't want to hear that. They're like, well,
I want to see him through it. I don't want
to move out. And it's like you can't save him,
And if you have a big heart, you will try
to save him and you cannot. You can't do the
transformation that he needs. Only God can do that.

Speaker 2 (37:01):
Yeah. I always tell women, he wasn't thinking about you
like that when he was putting his hands on you.
He wasn't having sympathy for you at that time, you know,
So you sometimes have to, like you said, save yourself.
One now, intimacy was another thing you said that comes
up a lot. Yes, So how in relationships? I've heard

(37:21):
that when people have been together and get married. A
lot of married couples have told me that their sex
has decreased a lot. How do you resolve or like,
talk to me about that, because I've asked so many
people have come to me and been like, you know,
we got married and it's like we're not even having
sex anymore, or we haven't had sex in months, or
she only wants to do it or he only wants

(37:43):
to do it once a month. I don't feel attractive anymore,
and that is a big deal in a relationship when
that's not aligned.

Speaker 3 (37:48):
No, for sure, and I'm even guilty of experiencing that myself.
Knowing everything that you know, these are the measures that
you can put in place when I tell you, after
the baby came, I didn't recognize myself. I didn't like
who I was, and then like how it looks and
it was like, oh, don't touch me till I lose
the weight. And it was like I was avoiding physical
intimacy because I was going through my own like depression

(38:09):
and you know, postpartum, and so you have to be
extremely once again, intentional in putting love insects back on
this to do list. And sometimes it's not even just sex.
Sometimes it's like, Okay, tonight, we're just gonna give massages. Tonight,
we're going to cuddle. And I did that with my husband.
I was like, look, Wednesday nights, okay, Saturday mornings like

(38:33):
and you get calendar notification calendar, you know, because when
you have it on your to do list, people will
be like, well, I want spontaneous, I don't want passion,
and I want to be thrown a ban against the wall.
Da da da da. And it's like, okay, but if
you don't prioritize it and you're not intentional about it,
it falls to the wayside and you fall asleep. But
when you know that, you know, Saturday night like it's

(38:54):
about to be on and popping, you actually have more
sex than couples who don't.

Speaker 2 (38:58):
Right right, So sometimes that massage leads some more too,
because I think that's what guys be hoping for a.

Speaker 1 (39:07):
Booty.

Speaker 3 (39:13):
When I say intimacy, though, let me clarify that's not
just sexual intimacy, okay. Recreational intimacy also is a problem. Right,
we don't spend enough time together. We're not doing enough activities.
There's not new adventures, there's we're not traveling. So that
also plays a role in the intimacy. Financial intimacy is huge, Okay.
Financial intimacy is when we're able to exchange uh financial

(39:35):
information about like our beliefs, our hopes, our dreams, O
childhood are upbringing. A lot of people don't talk about
money enough and make decisions without one another.

Speaker 2 (39:43):
That's true. I mean even hiding when you get a
check or something like that. Sometimes people don't want to
let the other person know. And sometimes people don't trust
their partner when it comes to money because it could
be like you spend a lot and I'm more thrifty,
you know, or vice versa. I spend a lot and
you are more thrifty, and so you might be like,
I have this check coming in, but I don't want
to let them know because and I think also we

(40:07):
want to also have like our own little thing going
on that's just for us. Is that a bad thing?

Speaker 1 (40:12):
You think?

Speaker 2 (40:12):
If you have like a little separate accounts that you
know no one knows about it, little sneaking.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
Like the old school, like you don't have a little stash,
you know, not as said, have a little stash that
still exists. Right, So I'm not going to tell people
what to do with their money. However, in my husband's book,
Marriage and Conflict Coming out Soon, uh, he speaks to
the fact that when you aren't fully transparent with your finances,

(40:45):
problems are going to happen. Conflict is going to happen
because you are having It's almost like having an affair
because you're being secretive. It's called financial and fidelity. And
so if you are spending or you have money that
we're not talking about, you're also making choices then things
from me. And if you're willing to do that, what
else are you willing to compromise and keep from me?

Speaker 2 (41:05):
Right?

Speaker 1 (41:06):
What if?

Speaker 2 (41:06):
Okay, and I saw this on a TV show, So
I want to get your thoughts in it, because I
was like, hmm, now, let's just say work wise, a
client gives you a gift, right as a job well done,
you want to keep it, but it feels inappropriate. You know,
if your husband found out, he'd be upset. But then
it's also like a thing where well, that's one of

(41:28):
my clients. I don't want him to be mad that
this happened and have an issue with that. What do
you do in a situation like that? Do you tell everything?
Or let's say, your clients like DMS you inappropriately and
that is like a little confidentiality thing. It's your business
and maybe you can handle it. But do you feel
like I need to tell my husband that this happened
even though I handled it.

Speaker 3 (41:48):
So this is the crazy word. I will let him
know when anybody crosses the line. But none of my
clients have okay because they're there literally to try to
save the relationship, because SHOULDN'TY not save it? The cost
of that way more than working with me.

Speaker 2 (42:05):
Are there times when you're like, I think you should
leave him?

Speaker 3 (42:09):
Yes, I don't like I keep it one hundred If
though he is doing something in the dark, I will
make him share. We do not have a mansion to
keep secrets. We need to have another session. We're about
to let her know.

Speaker 6 (42:24):
Do you think every every relationship?

Speaker 3 (42:27):
Do I think every relationship could be saved?

Speaker 6 (42:29):
That absolutely not some way to save every No.

Speaker 3 (42:32):
No, And I won't take you on if I don't
think that I can save it. Yes, I have my limit.
I have like no, no, no, no, y'all are too
broken go destroy the world on somebody else's time.

Speaker 5 (42:42):
What is the situation that you got, you know, and
you had to be like, okay, no, this this ain't
gonna work.

Speaker 1 (42:47):
Like, just give us an example of something crazy.

Speaker 3 (42:51):
So I will take couples that have had an affair
and have decided to make it work with the mystery,
right because they want to marry that new woman and
they also need support, right, they want me at that time,
they wanted me to counsel all three of them. The
wife had to get out of it and marry the mistress. Yeah,

(43:13):
and that wasn't like, that wasn't a crazy one to
me because that was a situation where they still wanted
a co parent and be cohesive and get along, and
she just wanted to accept that she was no longer
going to be the wife. He wanted, you know, it
to be smooth sailing and communication across the board. So
that was a situation where I'm like, okay, easy psy.
But in a different time, couples have tried to sign

(43:38):
up as the mistress and as the partner without their
wife not knowing. So I want to I want to go,
I want to go to relationship coaching and get this counseling,
but don't tell my wife about it. No, I will
not take you. What are we doing here, mistress? Like,

(43:59):
are trying to get help there? I didn't take them.

Speaker 1 (44:04):
On, Yeah, she said, I don't want no parts of that.

Speaker 3 (44:07):
No, I'm here for how are we gonna make it?
I want healthy relationships. I'm only supporting healthy relationships all this. Uh,
And I will even talk about it too, because I
know a lot of people are like pro uh, you know,
ethical non monogamy right now?

Speaker 1 (44:20):
Not me.

Speaker 3 (44:22):
It's commitment or nothing. There are professionals that are supportive
and will counsel those couples. I am of the belief
that without the commitment, this is not a healthy relationship
unless you are fully committed. And I don't think that.
While I do think we are capable of mating and

(44:44):
breeding with multiple people, I do not think that we
are meant to not have boundaries and commitment and guidelines.
I don't think that we are meant to worship multiple gods,
just like I don't think that we're meant to worship
multiple women. We need allegiance. God asked for allegiance. I
want to lea gents too, I will refer you to someone,
but I wrap that though. I'm like, commitment is extremely important.

(45:08):
I don't believe as you can say, you know you're
as transparent as you want to be in that you know,
threesome or six some whatever it is that you want
to do. And I don't believe in having healthy relationship
unless there is maximum safety and security. And you can't
feel safe and secure in a relationship when someone only

(45:29):
wants to give you twenty percent. I want to give
you twenty percent. I want to give you twenty percent.
I want to give you twenty percent. I'm worth more
than just a cut, right, I'm worth more than just
a tip. I want the full package.

Speaker 6 (45:41):
Unless have three of y'all together.

Speaker 3 (45:44):
But even then you're still getting a smaller portion. Men don't.
This is the crazy part. Men don't have the capacity
to give you that much emotional ansom. No, Okay, you
can have your you knows I keep looking at you.

Speaker 1 (46:00):
You're pro live, so I'm not gonna say it.

Speaker 5 (46:05):
I'm pro it is something that I've thought about before.

Speaker 3 (46:10):
Okay, have you thought about it? Because you don't believe
that men can give you what you believe you deserve.

Speaker 5 (46:15):
I pick bisexual, right, I like I say that I'm
gay on weekends and holidays. You know, I never really
wanted to be with a woman, but I do enjoy
the sex part of it, like that whole thing.

Speaker 1 (46:26):
I like three sims. It's my favorite sexual activity.

Speaker 5 (46:29):
So at the time, I was dealing with someone that
I felt like I wasn't gonna get all of him,
and he was cheating.

Speaker 1 (46:37):
He was like a serial cheater. So I'm like, well, if.

Speaker 2 (46:39):
You're gonna cheat, then nice do it together.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
Yeah, bring her home.

Speaker 3 (46:42):
But there's a reason he's not telling you. He doesn't
get the thrills from telling you. It's only yummy when
you're sneaking behind your partner's back.

Speaker 2 (46:50):
Clearly in the overhead.

Speaker 5 (46:53):
Actually you just did in the coffin, and that's why
we're not together.

Speaker 2 (46:56):
It's not as much fun when you when you're honest.

Speaker 5 (47:00):
Count We would have three and then he would like
circle back behind my back, and that was like, ultimately
why I was just like, Okay, you're dumb, because I'm
giving it to you.

Speaker 2 (47:08):
To argue caught.

Speaker 3 (47:12):
But I think that that's what we convince ourselves though,
that if well, you know, if I make it open.
If I welcome other people into our bedroom, then at
least I'm on the inside and it's not being you know,
it's not secret anymore kept from me. And actually it's
the secret that made it passionate and fun for him.
And he wants to be dishonest. He wants to have
this thing that he's hiding separate from you getting. Yeah,

(47:34):
he's getting the feel from that. But that's what I'm
saying that when we give that to them, though, right
when we like dishonor ourselves and we're like, well, I'm
not gonna demands a commitment anymore. Okay, so you're just
gonna sign up for the beast, like you're just gonna
let the monster just have his way.

Speaker 5 (47:51):
Which I mean, that makes sense, but I looked at
it as I'm getting my way too, because but.

Speaker 3 (47:56):
It was it you did not convert, He converted you
to open.

Speaker 1 (48:03):
No, no, no, that's not true. I was.

Speaker 5 (48:04):
I was definitely the catalyst of let's have three sums.
It was me wanting to be with a woman. However,
it never happened, like we never got to the point
where we had three somemes. But it never got to
the point where let's have a girlfriend. Yeah, like the
relationship is off before we got to that point, But
it was something that at one point I contemplated, like, hmm,
should we just you.

Speaker 2 (48:21):
Felt like it was the only way it was gonna work.

Speaker 1 (48:23):
Maybe not really the only way. I just felt like
it would make things easier.

Speaker 3 (48:27):
But I feel like it's compromising though, because you're trying
to you're acquiescing to what you think will please him
to keep him.

Speaker 2 (48:35):
He went and did that for you with another man.

Speaker 5 (48:37):
Hell, this is a relationship that had been over now
for seven years, so seven years past we moved this relationship.

Speaker 4 (48:46):
Well, I was gonna say two things. I feel like,
do you think serial cheaters is a character flaw?

Speaker 1 (48:54):
Yes?

Speaker 4 (48:55):
And then my second part was I feel like, as
women were, we have the expectation that all men cheat,
and so it's like when it happens, it's almost like
this level of acceptance that we're supposed to.

Speaker 1 (49:07):
Have because we just knew it was right.

Speaker 4 (49:09):
And I think that also goes with wanting to have
that secret, big account and all of those things, and
I don't know how we're supposed to function in that.
I think that's a big part of why I'm single
is that all of those things are still in the
back of my mind where it makes it hard to
even want to trust, even want to be bothered. Yeah,
and so what would you say for women like me

(49:30):
who are like kind of on that line?

Speaker 3 (49:34):
This is about trust, but not trust of him trust himself.
Do I trust my decisions? Do I trust what I'm sensing?
Do I trust my intuition? Do I trust my ability
to choose a faithful partner? If I don't trust self,
then I will just assume that I'm going to get
cheated on, or that all men cheat and excuse that
behavior and have to accept whatever breadcrumbs I've given so

(49:57):
that I can be in relationship. But I also believe
that there's different buckets, right, There's different groups. There are
women who believe that men are unlovable and that they
are unfaithful and that they are scumbags. So you just
got to accept that. I do not believe that all
men are like that. I operate from a place of
men are incredible, we need them, they are phenomenal. I

(50:20):
love one hundred million things about them. They are faithful
and they are good. So that's what I manifest and
that's what I get. If you believe the opposite, then
that's what you will get. And that's not to say
that they don't fall from grace. But I'm not operating
in the headspace of I just need to accept it
because it's going to be done to me. I'm operating

(50:41):
from the I'm the other bucket, I'm the other percentage.
I'm the other group that believes that men are incredible
and greater than what we give them credit for.

Speaker 2 (50:50):
Look at Dan, he is never going to cheat on
his wife.

Speaker 4 (50:53):
I believe, I believe that they exist, right. I just
almost even wonder how like you're saying that we have
like a self fulfilling prophecies. Yes, and sometimes and I
almost feel like men have that two of themselves where
they almost justify bad behavior, not.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
All not yeah, because I want to say, like, and
I said this when I spoke you know, my brother
when he passed, one thing I would say about him
is that he was like an amazing person. He was
so good to women. And that is always why I
felt like, I'll never say that all men cheat because
I know my brother would never have done that. And

(51:28):
I know people who aren't like that. Now, I know
there are some who are you know what I mean obviously,
but there's definitely men who are not like that in
this world. And so that's something that I learned as
time went on.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
Yeah, I remember there was something like all men.

Speaker 6 (51:44):
There was.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
Yeah, you know, I had my reasons.

Speaker 5 (51:46):
I was born inside baby, so I had my reasons
of like why I thought that all men was like this?

Speaker 1 (51:51):
You know again, it's how we were raised.

Speaker 5 (51:55):
Yeah, so been a mistress and I've been his sugar bean,
you know.

Speaker 1 (52:00):
So I'm like, if this is what's happening, and clearly
is all men.

Speaker 5 (52:03):
But I have learned over the years that there are
some good guys out there and there's not at all.

Speaker 1 (52:07):
But there is a sum.

Speaker 3 (52:08):
But if you make your mission to find that one
versus I'm gonna just accept whatever is handed to me,
then you will find that one. And so it really
is about mindset and then like the movement that you
put behind it. But I understand when you are guarded
and you feel unsafe because men have hurt you, they
are not all like that.

Speaker 2 (52:29):
And that's a maturity thing too. I think that when
men are younger too, sometimes they're not as mature.

Speaker 1 (52:37):
You know.

Speaker 2 (52:37):
I would say that too, And you know. I know
earlier we were talking about all these older women dating
younger men. Now seeing like all of that on social media,
it's been like this new Like we see share with
her fiance, we see like you know, Drea, we see
Bia has a friend. Now I was twenty one years old.
That's you know, that's all on social media. What do

(53:00):
you think about, Like, because you know we're talking about cheating,
we're talking about maturity, and we know that men for
the longest have been dating younger women. What do you
think about the reverse?

Speaker 3 (53:10):
So there's been studies that have been done that have
shown the level of happiness and satisfaction that older women
have with younger men. The problem is the other stat
that is the level of satisfaction that men, younger men
have had with older women. Because you have to understand
what the maturity factor. There's still more growing to do,
there's still more maturing, there's still more, you know, to

(53:33):
evolve financially. They're not necessarily say yet they haven't lived.
Part of what makes you a great lover and partner
is your relationship experience.

Speaker 2 (53:41):
So if you are an.

Speaker 3 (53:42):
Amateur in your love life, you haven't been through enough partners.
You haven't experienced enough heartache, you haven't healed enough women,
because that within itself is a skill set, like how
can I heal you? How can I pour into you?
Then you don't necessarily know how to manage women either,
And I believe that men and women need energy. Men
like you need to know how to deal with a

(54:02):
woman when she's acting a certain way and what she
actually is saying versus what she means, and the same
vice versa. For a man, you have to learn that
skill set through your relationship experience, and some of us
never master it. But when they're younger, you know what
I'm saying, Like that also comes with less skill set.

Speaker 2 (54:17):
Right, missim a little more unboldable, got the energy.

Speaker 3 (54:23):
I think they're fine, and I think you can't have
great relationships with them. I think you can have great
relationships with them, but you've got to be extremely you know, secure,
and know that he might outgrow.

Speaker 2 (54:34):
Yeah, at that point, he's gonna hook Jordan up with somebody,
and I want to see, we've been trying to have
a Geordy jeordantad.

Speaker 3 (54:42):
She's not going to need anybody because she's too involved
with her snicky lingkh He's only a few every few
weeks sniky Link's cock lock.

Speaker 2 (54:50):
I could see that if you would do a season two,
Jordan could be on it.

Speaker 4 (54:55):
He doesn't need to be acknowledged in public at all.

Speaker 3 (54:58):
Oh, I'm about to dmm, like season two, she's gonna walk.

Speaker 1 (55:02):
Into the Oh, what are you doing here?

Speaker 2 (55:05):
Is that something we'll see a season two.

Speaker 3 (55:07):
You think we did not get renewed, but I would
love for everybody to tune in because we could change
the numbers or kneelings and get a season two. You
know Netflix is one. Let's go back and rewatched season
one season. If you love reality TV, you will love Sneeling.

Speaker 2 (55:27):
There any couples that are still together.

Speaker 3 (55:30):
Yes, there's couples that worked out after and then one
recently broke up. But we were able to transform some
of the people in there to like actually get with
their kneeling and then even meet someone new, like decide
I'm not going to be with that sneaky link anymore.

Speaker 1 (55:45):
Let me get with.

Speaker 3 (55:49):
A real relationship.

Speaker 2 (55:51):
And lastly, before you get out of here, I want
to ask you what it's like working with your husband,
because that's a balance too, to be in a relationship
but also knowing that we our business partners.

Speaker 3 (56:01):
Yeah, it has grown me extremely.

Speaker 2 (56:05):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (56:06):
One of the things that I believe in is mutual submission. Right,
I will submit to you, you submit back to me.
I will submit to you, you submit back to me. And
when you're working with your partner who believes that they
know everything because they are brilliant, Poppy, you're brilliant, sometimes
I have to be very careful in when I'm going
to pump back, like when I'm going to pump my

(56:27):
chest back, and so I have to be extremely mindful
of is this an appropriate time, what is my delivery
going to be? Because I want him to understand me
versus I just want to be heard. And there's a
difference in trying to get that message across because when
he's talking about the Spicy Life, he's talking about my
baby before my son was born, Like the Spicy Life
was my baby. So I can take it personal and

(56:48):
then bring that into the bedroom. And I've had to
be very mindful of like, Okay, no, this is business,
and you just want what's best for me. So because
I trust his intentions and the directions that he is
you know, taking our company, I will say okay, I'll
let you leave in this moment, I'm awake, but.

Speaker 2 (57:05):
I am.

Speaker 3 (57:08):
Save my clap back in my pocket so that I
don't over use them.

Speaker 2 (57:12):
How does that dynamic plan in the bedroom? Then what
you say is more dominating me?

Speaker 3 (57:17):
Really what my husband's just making okay? But I am
like top top top chap. I don't care a sleep
you are, I don't care what time I love come
for this And it's just it's a great dynamic though,
because you know my husband, I got, yes, I got all,
I got everything that I needed more in my.

Speaker 2 (57:38):
Partners you gotta you know, but like walk on because.

Speaker 3 (57:44):
But I am. He he tells me that he's like, geez, Louise,
your bossy, can you be a little bit more softer?
And I think that's when, like, you know, my control
comes out because I'm like, wait, no, this like go
that way way way right right there, and.

Speaker 1 (57:56):
He's like.

Speaker 3 (57:57):
It's like directed because I know exactly, I know exactly
what I need.

Speaker 2 (58:01):
Yes, well, I appreciate you so much for coming through.
Can you work on Jordan for us?

Speaker 3 (58:08):
I will, but I got it. She's in she's in
her season of not wanting to commit. So I got
to move you over to but it can't happen.

Speaker 2 (58:15):
I feel like she does want a man, though I'm
gonna be honest, I feel like she does.

Speaker 5 (58:19):
I feel like eventually, I feel like that's her.

Speaker 1 (58:23):
But I feel like her.

Speaker 5 (58:24):
Short term goal is like get it out of my
system for I can't wait till she walks in here
one day like.

Speaker 3 (58:31):
That.

Speaker 2 (58:33):
I can't wait. That's gonna be a funny day. We'll
get a cake. But Spicy, Mattie, where can people find you?
Follow you? And what's next that maybe we didn't touch on?
Is there anything you want.

Speaker 1 (58:46):
Us to know?

Speaker 3 (58:47):
I am The book is finally complete. My book, Yes,
Be Spicy, is finally complete. So now I'm just doing
my proposal for an agent and publishing deal.

Speaker 1 (58:58):
So that is yes.

Speaker 3 (59:00):
So that's what I'm looking forward to next. And you
guys can always, you know, play with my Twitter stroke,
my ig at spicy MODI go to the spicylife dot com,
sign up for my services, my coaching, my classes, your
purpose made of weights so that I can help you
transform your life and attract your purpose.

Speaker 6 (59:15):
Mates.

Speaker 3 (59:16):
I love going to your guys' weddings and telling you
I told you so. She got the credentials, ladies, and gentlemen.
Proper concept. All right, it's lip service. Thank you so much,
thank you,