Phone Tap: Clover Teaches Swim

Today’s Phone Tap victim has been trying for MONTHS to get her kid into a certain class for swimming lessons and she’s in luck, because we know just the ex-British special forces agent to teach the class! 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
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Speaker 2 (00:16):
Today we call a mom who's been desperately trying to
find an opening for her son to do swim lessons.
Oh yeah, and she's been put on a couple different waitlists,
but recently found out she got in. What she doesn't know, though,
is that her instructor has a lot of water experience.
And when I say water experience, I mean destroying terrorist

(00:39):
U boats in the Black Sea under the dead of
night water experience. That's right, Clover is back for your
phone tab right now.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
It's another.

Speaker 4 (00:53):
Hello.

Speaker 3 (00:54):
Oh is this Monica? Yes, good morning, Frank, but me
mates call me Clover woman to be teaching your little
tiger marky how to survive in the water.

Speaker 1 (01:07):
Wait, what you did sign.

Speaker 3 (01:10):
Up for swimming lessons at the war MCI, did you?

Speaker 4 (01:14):
Oh, so you're from the YMCA. I didn't understand at
the beginning affirmative I find my son Markey at first
swimming lessons a long time ago. I've been waiting.

Speaker 3 (01:23):
I saw that your credit card payment was just approved,
so it looks like we're good to go.

Speaker 4 (01:27):
Thank you for taking them. It's been really hard to
get an opening.

Speaker 3 (01:30):
So first lesson on Monday at our four hundred hours
is when you're in the water, you can't have any fear.

Speaker 4 (01:38):
Do you mean four o'clock, am? Is the first lesson
on Monday? Precisely, we're not doing that. That's brilliant. Are
you sure?

Speaker 3 (01:46):
It's best to learn before the sun breaks or the
water that you can really feel the environment.

Speaker 4 (01:52):
As well as he knows the basics. That's all we're
looking for to learn at this point, ma'am.

Speaker 3 (01:57):
I don't think you realize who you're talking to mode
and just the basics.

Speaker 4 (02:02):
That's nice.

Speaker 3 (02:03):
Yeah. One time I was doing a mission off the
coast of Malaysia and I was such a strong swimmer.
A baby seal abandoned its own mum to be with me.

Speaker 4 (02:16):
I don't even know what to say about that.

Speaker 3 (02:18):
So first lesson on Monday, before we even get in
the water, I'm going to show them a video of
me drowning. Wait, what I actually die for five minutes
when I revived myself with my will to live alone.

Speaker 4 (02:31):
I don't want my child watching a video of somebody
drowning in the water. Are you crazy?

Speaker 3 (02:36):
Fine, then I'll do it live in front of them.

Speaker 4 (02:39):
What years old?

Speaker 3 (02:41):
It's old enough you can see a dead body. But
I'll come and live again. So it's not going to
be traumatic. It will be at first, but then I'll
give myself CPR well, cpr R, which stands for Clover's
Personal Rescue and Resuscitation.

Speaker 4 (02:56):
You don't understand. I signed a beginner's class.

Speaker 3 (02:59):
I'm going to teach and things out. Our instructors just
don't know. Like if you have a stranded in the
water for days at a time, I'll show you how
to fashion a poe now and or makeshift breathing apparatus
wait using only a hunter's knife in the skin from
behind your right end.

Speaker 4 (03:13):
Holy they having crazy people at the YNCA.

Speaker 3 (03:16):
You have a problem with your son learning from the
best at the best. He needs to know that every
splash could be life or death.

Speaker 4 (03:22):
I don't know what the hell you're talking about. When
I look online. None of what you're saying was in
the class. Description.

Speaker 3 (03:29):
You really think it's going to be written down somewhere,
Like when I teach him how to tread water with
twenty pounds weights attached at our ankles. We cannot put
that online.

Speaker 4 (03:38):
This is way too extreme. Just take my son off
the list.

Speaker 3 (03:41):
Oh I disagree. I'll teach them the freestyle, a backstroke,
and of course a squat and squid.

Speaker 4 (03:47):
If you need to escape, off off the list.

Speaker 3 (03:50):
If you need to escape the prey with a little
extra boost, you're just sawing yourself and works like a
jet propultion.

Speaker 4 (03:55):
Deviance that suggusted.

Speaker 3 (03:58):
I learned it from an octopus I encountered in the
waters off Malta. His name was Franklin, like me Bond,
and we adopted that baby seal.

Speaker 4 (04:08):
Listen, I think I'm over this. I'm over this, and
I'm over you.

Speaker 3 (04:13):
This is actually Jose from the radio show Brook and
Jeffrey in the Morning. We're doing a phone tap on you, Monica.

Speaker 4 (04:19):
Oh my god, this isn't real.

Speaker 3 (04:21):
I'm not a British intelligence operator. This is a radio prank.

Speaker 4 (04:27):
What's going on right now? I love your laugh?

Speaker 3 (04:29):
No, your brother Johnny set you up.

Speaker 4 (04:31):
He's excited for your kids.

Speaker 3 (04:32):
To learn to swim. He said, he wants to, you know,
be the uncle in the pool and throw him around
and stuff.

Speaker 4 (04:37):
I brother, need a whole real life. I should have
got it. I was getting ready to get crazy on that.
Oh my god, I can't well.

Speaker 3 (04:44):
You talking about getting crazy on Clovering. I wouldn't recommend
it at all.

Speaker 4 (04:50):
And look at four am, I'm like, what, who gets up?
So wait?

Speaker 3 (04:55):
Out of everything that I said, the four am part
that was what got you the most.

Speaker 4 (05:00):
Going on and on and all about all this crazy stuff.
I wake up every morning.

Speaker 1 (05:07):
With Foom Times weekday mornings all the twenties, Brooke and
Jeffrey in the morning