January 11, 2023 • 27 mins
Get your tissues y'all. Jess is helping 2 listeners with some real life mess. It's about to get real deep. Sending love to all our ladies!!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio
and the Black Effects. And just like that, we're back
with yet another carefully Reckless episode with your girl just hilarious.
We're gonna jump straight in. It's just fixed my mess.
(00:22):
You already know. People are submitting more and more voice
memos and I am loving it because that means I
don't have to read these long run on sentence as
paragrams that y'all be sending me. So here we go. Hi.
Just long story short, I have a five y'all with
an abuser, and the abuse has come to a boiling
(00:42):
point where I cannot take it anymore. It doesn't stop
I fil charges. Don't get me wrong. I fight because
because I watched, because I have to. But now that's
to the point where I have to constantly get a
tool with his family for disrespecting me, and the girlfriend
because she feels like she's a time into my child
and I don't understand that considers you don't have no kids,
(01:03):
and I would never send my child with somebody rather
problem with me. I am sick of the abuse. My
son is extremely traumatized, and I need space. I was
in the relationship for five years. I have been beaten
to the point of having a concussion. I have a
babar to sept them. I've had patches of hair and
and you name it. I don't want to be that
(01:25):
parents away from his father, but I have no idea
what else to do. It is paining to have to
do this, and I know he loves his dad, but
it is draining and it is not fair that he
gets to come around beat up on me and then
(01:45):
go live his life. He's for me while we suffer.
I love the fact that you're in rome have a
good relationship. I thought that maybe taking tips from you
with help, but he's so severely messed up in the
head and have too many mommy issues for me to
do it to even compare with. I need your help, baby.
You already know what you have to do. So you
(02:07):
r in a five year relationship with this man. When
did this fucking abuse start? Like? When did it start?
Because if it's always been something that you kind of
like let roll off your back, maybe he felt as
if it was okay because they'll do what you allow.
You know, men will do what you allow. Maybe you
(02:29):
ignored red flags because there's no fucking way this man
has beaten you to a point of having a concussion,
and you said some other ship that was going on
with you, patches of hair missing and all the other ship,
and you stayed after this. Now I know what you said.
Don't get you wrong. You fight, but you shouldn't have
(02:52):
to fight a motherfucking man. It doesn't matter. It doesn't
matter if you fight or not. You should not have
to fight. You're children's father. You shouldn't have to fight
no man, but definitely not a man that gave you
a child like funck No, how could he even feel
like a man beating on a woman who is the
(03:13):
mother of his child. And then, you know, you said,
you get into it with the family, and you know
his girlfriend. He has a girlfriend who he's probably more
than likely beating the funk out of as well, but
she has a problem with you, and so your child
is traumatized and all that ship. No, no, no, no
no no. You don't want to be that parent who
does not allow your son's father to see him. However,
(03:37):
this is detrimental to your life, y'all argue, y'all fight.
You have to fight his family. You know, you have
to find a way to explain to your baby white
he has to take a break from daddy. You know,
just Utio, your son's dad gets himself together, fuck the girlfriend,
fucked his family. It's about you and your safety. It's
(03:58):
about staying away from him and explaining to him why
he needs to understand why you need a fucking restraining
order or a peace order or some type of order
put in place. Now. I know the laws a big
ass fucking joke when it comes to domestic violence and
things of that nature. But you need to do what
you can. This is not something that I would let
roll off my back. And you actually need more help
(04:21):
than Jess fix my mess, girl, You need the whole
Alma of God. Obviously this is dangerous. I feel for you.
I will keep you in my prayers, but this is dangerous,
God damn Like and then your baby boy is so
young to even have to go through this. Do y'all
fight in front of him? Does he hit you in
front of your child? You know like that this is
(04:43):
this is a lot. You told me he was traumatized,
so maybe that is the answer to that question. Yes,
y'all actually do this in front of him. That's not good,
that's not healthy. That's showing your son that he can
disrespect women. If his father acts out in front of him.
It's showing him that my me is a punching bag.
You know. It's showing him how to treat women, which
(05:04):
is not a good thing. You understand me, So I
understand you don't want to be that parent that takes
the son, that takes the child away from his father.
But right now you have to be that parent, and
you have to do it for the well being of yourself,
for your mental sanity, so you can raise your son
the right way, so you can be in the right
mind to even raise your child, because if you ain't
(05:26):
no good, you can't be no good for you. Baby.
All right, check back in with me with an update. Girl,
that's really sad. I don't think people really understand the
severity of an abusive relationship. I don't think people really
really take it serious until they can't get out. I
think people ignore, ignore, ignore, They hope for the best.
(05:47):
They pray that this man changes, or they pray that
the woman changes, because you know, women can be abusers
as well. They continue to stay in these relationships hoping
that the person will change, and more times often than
not they don't and people wait too late to do something.
I really hope that she gets helped for her and
(06:07):
her child, because that sho ain't nothing to play with. Seriously,
hold up, hold up. I noticed she getting good. But
listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial
with you love Me. You'll listen moving on. This is
like my fist time trying to send this message. I
just feel so ashamed, but I just I feel like
I have to just let it out. I won't get therapy.
(06:29):
But I recently saw this TikTok trend where you know,
girls were saying like, if a girl wants to be
your friend and she doesn't have any friends, then that's
a huge red flag. And when I first saw TikTok,
I was like, man, funck y'all bitches, Like, what the funk?
There's mad bitches that have zero friends but our hello cool.
(06:50):
It's me on bitches, zero friends but too cool. I
guess I don't fucking know. Let me just start off
by saying this. I didn't have a good life growing up.
You know, I didn't have two parents who you know,
watched me and taught me things. I'm learning things on
my own. Girl, with a single mom. My dad passed
(07:14):
away when I was a kid, when I was a baby. Um,
so my mom, you know, I had to pick up
the pieces. I have nine siblings and she had to
figure out a way to keep a roof overhead, you
know what I mean. I had three jobs, was living
on Section eight. We didn't have any money, and my
mom's starting, you know, starting from the bottom when I
(07:35):
was young, and that resulted to me, you know, having
a very traumatic childhood because you know, when you leave
siblings with other siblings and and I don't I don't
blame my siblings for what happened to me as a baby,
but you know it was it was somebody's fault because
I was just a fucking baby. I had something very
traumatic happened to me that I did not deserve, and
(07:57):
it was because I was neglected. You know. My mom
left me with my siblings, but they never watched me.
So I imagine a kid six seven years old just
roaming the streets. Nobody gives a fuck. I mean, sometimes
my sister would come back home from partying with her friends.
She's a teenager, you know what I mean, what teenager
wants to take care of her a baby. She would
(08:17):
see me just roaming the streets and be like, Yo'll
go back in the house, and then she would change
and then go back outside. And that's when I would
just leave, whenever my siblings would leave. And yeah, just
a lot of traumatic things happened to me at that age.
I don't really want to get into it, but whatever
you think is the worst thing that can have happened
to a child is what happened. What happened to me.
(08:43):
So back to what I first said about friends, I
found myself in my twenties not really having any friends.
I like to take it back to when I was
a kid. Fifth Great, there's this girl. You know, she
had a boyfriend, she had a lot of friends. I
(09:04):
was just really jealous of her. So what did I do?
I just bullied her. Young me had friends. I've always
had friends in school. I was never a loner kid, Okay,
but I was just a bully. This girl literally got
a Valentine's Day gift one time and I fucking threw
her ship in the fucking garbage in the fucking toilet.
(09:25):
Told her fight me in class, fight me, because she
was like, yo, why did you do that? Graduations spilled
milk on her gown dress, like why everybody was laughing?
Like what I was so problematic? Middle school? This girl
lets me borrow her laptop and I bring it back
and on the bus I find a view of her
(09:46):
dancing in her underwear showed. Everybody in the bus humiliated
her for what? Middle school? This girl I was jealous
of how beautiful, beautiful she was, bullied her, constantly made
fun of her on her face, wouldn't let her join
my friend group for what. I don't even know. High
school my best friend her sex stape was weeked. All
(10:09):
she asked me was you'll find out. Can you please
find out who did it? I find out who did it.
I gave her the name. She said, who told you?
Because she needs to know everything? And I told her,
I'm not going to tell you because the girl that
told me told me not to tell her for what reason.
I don't even know. Another girl that I was really
close with, you know, I grew up in the same neighborhood.
We were always close. I literally just stole her iPad
(10:32):
just to piss her off. No, it was iPod, sorry,
you know, like the music shuffle. iPod stole it from
her house, told everybody, and I was like, bitch, you're
not getting it back. Just bullied her no reason, just
because I felt like it. It's just so many fucked
up things slop with my best friend's boyfriend, stole every
(10:54):
nincause she had ever been with, talked about her on
social media, told all her business because I was matter
for no reason over me fighting her when I was drunk.
That she was defending herself pissed me off, so I
went on social media. I was still drunk, told all
her business on social media. She still forgave me. One day,
(11:16):
we were at a house party. I didn't want to
drive her to her house. I was drunk and I
didn't want to get a d u I and I
knew how to go to my house, but I didn't
want to bring her with me. Just left her at
a party. Anything could happen to her, just left her,
didn't care, no empathy whatsoever. And there's so many other things,
but I just I can't think of it right now.
But those are just a list of things throughout the
(11:38):
years that I've done for what reason exactly, I don't know.
And now I'm in my late twenties, I don't have anybody.
I don't have any friends. I don't have anybody to
talk to you. I don't have anything. I have siblings
that I'm close with, but it's not the same. There's
things that you want to talk to your friends about
that you can't talk to your siblings about. And I
(12:00):
just want a connection. I just want I want real,
you know, friendship, womanhood to circle around me. But I
feel like I'm getting the karma over all my younger
years of screwing people over. But is it really karma
if you had to funk up life too? You know
what I mean? How am I supposed to know how
(12:21):
to treat people if I was never taught anything, I
was never shown anything. My siblings idea of trying to
raise me was beating the funk out of me. I
remember when I got suspended in fifth grade for bullying
that girl. My sibling was like, I opened the door.
I already felt bad for what I did. He was like,
(12:42):
I got a belt and I got a hanger, which
one am I going to beat the funk out of
you with? And then I got I got beat up.
I skipped class one day in high school. He put
his foot in my fucking chest. I couldn't breathe. I
stole my mom's husband's credit card and bought a bunch
of ship. Literally, my face was bleeding, my chest was
(13:04):
read from how badly I was beaten, just all around,
just me getting abused in my house, and now I'm
going out and I'm abusing people. I don't understand why
I'm still suffering, Like why am I suffering? And why
am I feeling the karma of what I did to
women in the past, and now I have no friends
(13:26):
because of that. I don't understand how karma works, Like,
I don't get it. I don't I don't get what
I'm doing. I do want to change. I see I
see it now. You know, after all these years, it
took a one TikTok for me to realize that I'm
not good. I'm not a good person, But I always
felt like a good person. I always felt like, damn, like,
(13:46):
what the funk? Why why did that person do that
to me? Why did that person backstabbed me like that?
No one's ever done any of the ship that I've
didn't done to people. The worst thing that people have
ever done to me is probably just talked me on
my back. That's it bird rooms about me, like there's
nothing that anybody has ever done that. And when I
say anybody, I mean like in regards to friends. I mean,
(14:08):
I've had a lot of very very traumatic stuff happened
to me because of my family, you know, But I'm
talking about like friends at the moment. You know, I've
never really had a friend that was like horrible to me.
I've never had any of that. I mean, I've had
fake bitches around me. It was because I was fake.
(14:29):
I've had fake friends because I was the fake friend.
I've had backstabbing weird bitches because I was the backstabbing
weird bitch. I was the company that I kept, you know,
So how do you change now that I've acknowledged that
all of the ship that I've done and probably even
done more, I can't remember right now? What do I do?
(14:52):
You know what I mean? Do you think that I
should just not have friends for a little bit longer?
Should I write down and think of all the stuff
that I've done, like list by list of age by
age up until now. I'm still young. Of course I
have more life to live. But I don't want to
keep living like this, you know, I don't want to
(15:12):
keep attracting bad people, And I'm like, why am I
always attracting bad friends? Why am I always attracting bad
friend And now I realized that I've always been a
bad friend. They relate to me. They love the fact
that I'm just like them. Envy my sister. She has
had the same friends because she was a kid. When
I tell you this girl, there are people from like
(15:32):
when she was a child still asking about her, still
praising her, I'm so jealous of that. Like, I don't
know what she does. She's a very private um. She
doesn't really tell me anything. I think she knows that
I'm a fake ass person, so I don't don't I
don't blame her. I don't know anything about about that girl.
(15:55):
I don't think anybody knows anything about her. And I
admire her for that, um, and I love her for that.
She's always been there for me. Even though I've never
really had any real friends. I can say that my
siblings in my adult years have been my bestest friends.
And and I don't think they know like how much
(16:15):
they need to me at a time like this, send
my life for I've just had a horrible ship happened
to me you know, over and over again, and you
know I can see that even though like none of
my friends ever stuck, I think my sisters have definitely
like have stuck with me, you know, when I love
them like so much. But I feel so lonely now
(16:39):
and I feel so shitty. I feel so bad, and
I wish I could apologize to those girls. I probably
traumatized them because I was traumatized. I definitely want to change.
I want to change. I want to be better. I
want to have an amazing circle of friends, you know,
(17:01):
and I want to be happy, and I just want
to move on. And I'm tired of crying all the
time when I'm in my apartment by myself, and I realized, like,
damn dish, and you just finished the whole fucking bottle
of wine by yourself night after night, thinking you're having
a ball, but deep telling you and just lonely, and
(17:24):
the first person that talks to you end up spilling
along with your secrets because you genuinely want someone to
talk to. That's me right now. But yeah, thank you
for listening. Oh and I know I know it'll get better,
Damn baby girl, If you love me, you'll listen to
(17:45):
this commercial and then we'll be right back. Listen. Let
me tell you. You sent me through a series of
emotions with your story. I'm going to tell you I
went from being said sorry for you, disappointed, angry with you,
content with you, proud of you, wanting to beat your ass,
(18:08):
still wanting to hug you, grab you, and just hug
you and tell you that it is okay. I'm not
gonna sit here and say it's okay. You should be
forgiven for everything you did. Know you didn't sucked over
some people, but you already know you did. I don't
have to beat a dead horse. You already know what
you did was wrong. And when it comes to karma, no, no,
(18:33):
I don't believe that's what you're getting. I don't believe
that this is your karma or any of that ship.
What I do believe it's hurt people. Hurt people. Yes,
you was traumatized from a kid up until you were
a adult. You got the ship beat out of you.
Your mother didn't raise you, your father died, You and
(18:56):
your siblings had to fend for yourselves, so you basically
raised yourself along with your siblings wherever they could pitch
in and help raise you as well. Y'all raised each other.
It's nine of you. I see things like this all
the time. I grew up around families like this. I've
seen it. I'm gonna tell your story. I'm serious. Someone
(19:19):
who was once a friend of mine, y'all may know
this story. A couple of years ago, this girl had
put my personal information all over the internet. Not my sister.
My sister had did it to me, but I had
a friend. She put both of my phone numbers and
my address because I had made her angry. We were
arguing back and forth, and she did that. You know,
I had to move out of my house. I had
(19:41):
to change both of my numbers, the same number that
I've had since middle school. That everyone knew, everybody in
the industry, old friends, family, all that people, important people
had to change that. She came from a big family.
Her mother didn't raise her either. Her mother was somewhere
chasing men and ship like that. You know what I mean.
She don't have her father. Her father is actually dying,
(20:03):
if he's not already dead, but he was never in
her life. Didn't even want to meet her while he
was sick on his deathbed, didn't even want to fucking
apologize for anything that he did or anything that he
didn't do as a father. Her and her siblings had
to raise each other in the house. She used to
be walking up and down the street barefoot. Same ship
(20:25):
that you are describing to me happened to this girl
that was once my friend. Every friendship that she has
created and she has been in, she has fucked up.
So when I look at you and I look at
your story, you remind me of my old friend. We've
recently reconnected. I will never ever, ever trust her ever
(20:50):
again in my presence, with my new address, with any
of my numbers. But we kind of speak here and
there on social media. She's pregnant now, but she describe
some of the same things that you described to me.
She was a very lonely person. I don't know if
she is now, but I have forgiven her for everything
that she's done, because there were some really good memories
(21:11):
that we had in our friendship, you know, before all
that ship went down. But I realized she's hurt from
her childhood. You are hurt from your childhood, and you
inflict pain on others because it was inflicted on you.
Hurt people, hurt people. I know that's a very cliche saying,
but it's true. You are very fucking hurt and you're damaged.
(21:34):
And I suggest that you get into like a peace group.
I don't know if you go to church. I don't
know if you're a Christian or not or whatever, But
there are all types of groups, different types of groups
that you can get in to build your social status
learning how to treat people. You said you don't know
how to treat people. You can start by first writing
down how you want to be treated. What do you
(21:55):
want to feel? Do you want to feel how you
felt growing up? No? Funck No? Do you want to
feel like those girls that you ridiculed and you tortured
and you bullied? And ship? You want to feel like that? No?
You don't want to feel like that. Do you want
to do that ship? No, you don't want to do
that ship. I think that that's a good outlet for you.
(22:16):
You should get into one of those groups. There are
other people just like you. You feel like you're lonely,
there are other people who feel just like you. You're
not the only one that's dealing with that, you know.
I think that that's what you should do. You should
should seek social groups to be in. You know, I
think you should continue to reach out to me. After
(22:40):
listening to you, I will be checking in on you. Uh,
this is off air, you know what I mean. This
is not only for carefully reckless. You cried. I can
tell you're hurt. You still need to heal. You still
need to get past what happened to you as a child,
because if you don't, you'll let it hinder you for
the rest of your life. You know, you still got
a lot of life to live. You know you answered
a lot of your own questions. You know what you
(23:02):
need to do going forward. I think that's the healthiest
thing for you to do. That's a good start for you.
You need therapy as well. You need counseling before you
get in these groups. There are things that you need
to get out. You had a lot bottled up. I
could have given you your own episode with the things
(23:22):
that you and I could sit and talk about back
and forth. I want you to check in with me. Jesus, girl,
you got me fucking emotional. Girl. You need to check
in with me more, way more um and I'll be
checking in on YouTube. And I want to let you
know I don't know you from a can of paint.
You don't know me, but from one woman to another,
(23:45):
one young lady to another, I love you. I do
love you. I think you need to hear that. I
think you need some type of affection. I think you
need to reunite with your mother as well, you know,
and tell her how you feel. You don't have your dad.
You don't have a dad, you know, but you still
do have a living parent. I think she gave up
on being a mother, so you blame her for a
(24:08):
lot of things. But I think that you need to
talk to her. I think you need to seek counseling therapy,
like a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I can't sit here
and tell you that I know the accurate difference, Like
I really don't know the exact difference between a psychologist
and a psychiatrist. But should We're gonna figure this ship
out together because I'm all about helping people, not just women,
(24:32):
mainly women. And then I want you to seek those
piece groups, you know, those social groups and ship they're
everywhere everywhere. I know you don't want to hurt people
for the rest of your life. Who the fund does
you couldn't have been getting no type of enjoyment out
of fucking up other people's lives and sucking up all
those bonds and and fucking your home girls and niggas
(24:54):
and ship like that deep down inside. No, no, no,
no no, you thought that ship made you better. It didn't.
Temporarily it did, but no, you're right back to square one.
I want you to check in with me. I'm serious
about that. And on that note, we're gonna end this episode.
This one has been a very emotional one for me.
(25:17):
I'm not gonna lie that that ship is gonna be
on my mind. But I want you guys to tune
into co Parents and Therapy at seven pm tonight, Me
and Jerome are sitting down with our very first guest,
and you guys do not want to miss it. Make
sure you tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday
morning as early as seven am, whether you're on your
way to work, on your way to the gym, already
(25:39):
at work, or already at the gym, taking your babies
to school, wherever you find your podcast, make sure you
tune in every week and in my deepest pamboys, Peace, Love,
(26:59):
can't Belie. Reckless is a production of I heart Radio
and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio
and the Black Effects. And just like that, we're back
with yet another carefully Reckless episode with your girl just hilarious.
We're gonna jump straight in. It's just fixed my mess.
(00:22):
You already know. People are submitting more and more voice
memos and I am loving it because that means I
don't have to read these long run on sentence as
paragrams that y'all be sending me. So here we go. Hi.
Just long story short, I have a five y'all with
an abuser, and the abuse has come to a boiling
(00:42):
point where I cannot take it anymore. It doesn't stop
I fil charges. Don't get me wrong. I fight because
because I watched, because I have to. But now that's
to the point where I have to constantly get a
tool with his family for disrespecting me, and the girlfriend
because she feels like she's a time into my child
and I don't understand that considers you don't have no kids,
(01:03):
and I would never send my child with somebody rather
problem with me. I am sick of the abuse. My
son is extremely traumatized, and I need space. I was
in the relationship for five years. I have been beaten
to the point of having a concussion. I have a
babar to sept them. I've had patches of hair and
and you name it. I don't want to be that
(01:25):
parents away from his father, but I have no idea
what else to do. It is paining to have to
do this, and I know he loves his dad, but
it is draining and it is not fair that he
gets to come around beat up on me and then
(01:45):
go live his life. He's for me while we suffer.
I love the fact that you're in rome have a
good relationship. I thought that maybe taking tips from you
with help, but he's so severely messed up in the
head and have too many mommy issues for me to
do it to even compare with. I need your help, baby.
You already know what you have to do. So you
(02:07):
r in a five year relationship with this man. When
did this fucking abuse start? Like? When did it start?
Because if it's always been something that you kind of
like let roll off your back, maybe he felt as
if it was okay because they'll do what you allow.
You know, men will do what you allow. Maybe you
(02:29):
ignored red flags because there's no fucking way this man
has beaten you to a point of having a concussion,
and you said some other ship that was going on
with you, patches of hair missing and all the other ship,
and you stayed after this. Now I know what you said.
Don't get you wrong. You fight, but you shouldn't have
(02:52):
to fight a motherfucking man. It doesn't matter. It doesn't
matter if you fight or not. You should not have
to fight. You're children's father. You shouldn't have to fight
no man, but definitely not a man that gave you
a child like funck No, how could he even feel
like a man beating on a woman who is the
(03:13):
mother of his child. And then, you know, you said,
you get into it with the family, and you know
his girlfriend. He has a girlfriend who he's probably more
than likely beating the funk out of as well, but
she has a problem with you, and so your child
is traumatized and all that ship. No, no, no, no
no no. You don't want to be that parent who
does not allow your son's father to see him. However,
(03:37):
this is detrimental to your life, y'all argue, y'all fight.
You have to fight his family. You know, you have
to find a way to explain to your baby white
he has to take a break from daddy. You know,
just Utio, your son's dad gets himself together, fuck the girlfriend,
fucked his family. It's about you and your safety. It's
(03:58):
about staying away from him and explaining to him why
he needs to understand why you need a fucking restraining
order or a peace order or some type of order
put in place. Now. I know the laws a big
ass fucking joke when it comes to domestic violence and
things of that nature. But you need to do what
you can. This is not something that I would let
roll off my back. And you actually need more help
(04:21):
than Jess fix my mess, girl, You need the whole
Alma of God. Obviously this is dangerous. I feel for you.
I will keep you in my prayers, but this is dangerous,
God damn Like and then your baby boy is so
young to even have to go through this. Do y'all
fight in front of him? Does he hit you in
front of your child? You know like that this is
(04:43):
this is a lot. You told me he was traumatized,
so maybe that is the answer to that question. Yes,
y'all actually do this in front of him. That's not good,
that's not healthy. That's showing your son that he can
disrespect women. If his father acts out in front of him.
It's showing him that my me is a punching bag.
You know. It's showing him how to treat women, which
(05:04):
is not a good thing. You understand me, So I
understand you don't want to be that parent that takes
the son, that takes the child away from his father.
But right now you have to be that parent, and
you have to do it for the well being of yourself,
for your mental sanity, so you can raise your son
the right way, so you can be in the right
mind to even raise your child, because if you ain't
(05:26):
no good, you can't be no good for you. Baby.
All right, check back in with me with an update. Girl,
that's really sad. I don't think people really understand the
severity of an abusive relationship. I don't think people really
really take it serious until they can't get out. I
think people ignore, ignore, ignore, They hope for the best.
(05:47):
They pray that this man changes, or they pray that
the woman changes, because you know, women can be abusers
as well. They continue to stay in these relationships hoping
that the person will change, and more times often than
not they don't and people wait too late to do something.
I really hope that she gets helped for her and
(06:07):
her child, because that sho ain't nothing to play with. Seriously,
hold up, hold up. I noticed she getting good. But
listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial
with you love Me. You'll listen moving on. This is
like my fist time trying to send this message. I
just feel so ashamed, but I just I feel like
I have to just let it out. I won't get therapy.
(06:29):
But I recently saw this TikTok trend where you know,
girls were saying like, if a girl wants to be
your friend and she doesn't have any friends, then that's
a huge red flag. And when I first saw TikTok,
I was like, man, funck y'all bitches, Like, what the funk?
There's mad bitches that have zero friends but our hello cool.
(06:50):
It's me on bitches, zero friends but too cool. I
guess I don't fucking know. Let me just start off
by saying this. I didn't have a good life growing up.
You know, I didn't have two parents who you know,
watched me and taught me things. I'm learning things on
my own. Girl, with a single mom. My dad passed
(07:14):
away when I was a kid, when I was a baby. Um,
so my mom, you know, I had to pick up
the pieces. I have nine siblings and she had to
figure out a way to keep a roof overhead, you
know what I mean. I had three jobs, was living
on Section eight. We didn't have any money, and my
mom's starting, you know, starting from the bottom when I
(07:35):
was young, and that resulted to me, you know, having
a very traumatic childhood because you know, when you leave
siblings with other siblings and and I don't I don't
blame my siblings for what happened to me as a baby,
but you know it was it was somebody's fault because
I was just a fucking baby. I had something very
traumatic happened to me that I did not deserve, and
(07:57):
it was because I was neglected. You know. My mom
left me with my siblings, but they never watched me.
So I imagine a kid six seven years old just
roaming the streets. Nobody gives a fuck. I mean, sometimes
my sister would come back home from partying with her friends.
She's a teenager, you know what I mean, what teenager
wants to take care of her a baby. She would
(08:17):
see me just roaming the streets and be like, Yo'll
go back in the house, and then she would change
and then go back outside. And that's when I would
just leave, whenever my siblings would leave. And yeah, just
a lot of traumatic things happened to me at that age.
I don't really want to get into it, but whatever
you think is the worst thing that can have happened
to a child is what happened. What happened to me.
(08:43):
So back to what I first said about friends, I
found myself in my twenties not really having any friends.
I like to take it back to when I was
a kid. Fifth Great, there's this girl. You know, she
had a boyfriend, she had a lot of friends. I
(09:04):
was just really jealous of her. So what did I do?
I just bullied her. Young me had friends. I've always
had friends in school. I was never a loner kid, Okay,
but I was just a bully. This girl literally got
a Valentine's Day gift one time and I fucking threw
her ship in the fucking garbage in the fucking toilet.
(09:25):
Told her fight me in class, fight me, because she
was like, yo, why did you do that? Graduations spilled
milk on her gown dress, like why everybody was laughing?
Like what I was so problematic? Middle school? This girl
lets me borrow her laptop and I bring it back
and on the bus I find a view of her
(09:46):
dancing in her underwear showed. Everybody in the bus humiliated
her for what? Middle school? This girl I was jealous
of how beautiful, beautiful she was, bullied her, constantly made
fun of her on her face, wouldn't let her join
my friend group for what. I don't even know. High
school my best friend her sex stape was weeked. All
(10:09):
she asked me was you'll find out. Can you please
find out who did it? I find out who did it.
I gave her the name. She said, who told you?
Because she needs to know everything? And I told her,
I'm not going to tell you because the girl that
told me told me not to tell her for what reason.
I don't even know. Another girl that I was really
close with, you know, I grew up in the same neighborhood.
We were always close. I literally just stole her iPad
(10:32):
just to piss her off. No, it was iPod, sorry,
you know, like the music shuffle. iPod stole it from
her house, told everybody, and I was like, bitch, you're
not getting it back. Just bullied her no reason, just
because I felt like it. It's just so many fucked
up things slop with my best friend's boyfriend, stole every
(10:54):
nincause she had ever been with, talked about her on
social media, told all her business because I was matter
for no reason over me fighting her when I was drunk.
That she was defending herself pissed me off, so I
went on social media. I was still drunk, told all
her business on social media. She still forgave me. One day,
(11:16):
we were at a house party. I didn't want to
drive her to her house. I was drunk and I
didn't want to get a d u I and I
knew how to go to my house, but I didn't
want to bring her with me. Just left her at
a party. Anything could happen to her, just left her,
didn't care, no empathy whatsoever. And there's so many other things,
but I just I can't think of it right now.
But those are just a list of things throughout the
(11:38):
years that I've done for what reason exactly, I don't know.
And now I'm in my late twenties, I don't have anybody.
I don't have any friends. I don't have anybody to
talk to you. I don't have anything. I have siblings
that I'm close with, but it's not the same. There's
things that you want to talk to your friends about
that you can't talk to your siblings about. And I
(12:00):
just want a connection. I just want I want real,
you know, friendship, womanhood to circle around me. But I
feel like I'm getting the karma over all my younger
years of screwing people over. But is it really karma
if you had to funk up life too? You know
what I mean? How am I supposed to know how
(12:21):
to treat people if I was never taught anything, I
was never shown anything. My siblings idea of trying to
raise me was beating the funk out of me. I
remember when I got suspended in fifth grade for bullying
that girl. My sibling was like, I opened the door.
I already felt bad for what I did. He was like,
(12:42):
I got a belt and I got a hanger, which
one am I going to beat the funk out of
you with? And then I got I got beat up.
I skipped class one day in high school. He put
his foot in my fucking chest. I couldn't breathe. I
stole my mom's husband's credit card and bought a bunch
of ship. Literally, my face was bleeding, my chest was
(13:04):
read from how badly I was beaten, just all around,
just me getting abused in my house, and now I'm
going out and I'm abusing people. I don't understand why
I'm still suffering, Like why am I suffering? And why
am I feeling the karma of what I did to
women in the past, and now I have no friends
(13:26):
because of that. I don't understand how karma works, Like,
I don't get it. I don't I don't get what
I'm doing. I do want to change. I see I
see it now. You know, after all these years, it
took a one TikTok for me to realize that I'm
not good. I'm not a good person, But I always
felt like a good person. I always felt like, damn, like,
(13:46):
what the funk? Why why did that person do that
to me? Why did that person backstabbed me like that?
No one's ever done any of the ship that I've
didn't done to people. The worst thing that people have
ever done to me is probably just talked me on
my back. That's it bird rooms about me, like there's
nothing that anybody has ever done that. And when I
say anybody, I mean like in regards to friends. I mean,
(14:08):
I've had a lot of very very traumatic stuff happened
to me because of my family, you know, But I'm
talking about like friends at the moment. You know, I've
never really had a friend that was like horrible to me.
I've never had any of that. I mean, I've had
fake bitches around me. It was because I was fake.
(14:29):
I've had fake friends because I was the fake friend.
I've had backstabbing weird bitches because I was the backstabbing
weird bitch. I was the company that I kept, you know,
So how do you change now that I've acknowledged that
all of the ship that I've done and probably even
done more, I can't remember right now? What do I do?
(14:52):
You know what I mean? Do you think that I
should just not have friends for a little bit longer?
Should I write down and think of all the stuff
that I've done, like list by list of age by
age up until now. I'm still young. Of course I
have more life to live. But I don't want to
keep living like this, you know, I don't want to
(15:12):
keep attracting bad people, And I'm like, why am I
always attracting bad friends? Why am I always attracting bad
friend And now I realized that I've always been a
bad friend. They relate to me. They love the fact
that I'm just like them. Envy my sister. She has
had the same friends because she was a kid. When
I tell you this girl, there are people from like
(15:32):
when she was a child still asking about her, still
praising her, I'm so jealous of that. Like, I don't
know what she does. She's a very private um. She
doesn't really tell me anything. I think she knows that
I'm a fake ass person, so I don't don't I
don't blame her. I don't know anything about about that girl.
(15:55):
I don't think anybody knows anything about her. And I
admire her for that, um, and I love her for that.
She's always been there for me. Even though I've never
really had any real friends. I can say that my
siblings in my adult years have been my bestest friends.
And and I don't think they know like how much
(16:15):
they need to me at a time like this, send
my life for I've just had a horrible ship happened
to me you know, over and over again, and you
know I can see that even though like none of
my friends ever stuck, I think my sisters have definitely
like have stuck with me, you know, when I love
them like so much. But I feel so lonely now
(16:39):
and I feel so shitty. I feel so bad, and
I wish I could apologize to those girls. I probably
traumatized them because I was traumatized. I definitely want to change.
I want to change. I want to be better. I
want to have an amazing circle of friends, you know,
(17:01):
and I want to be happy, and I just want
to move on. And I'm tired of crying all the
time when I'm in my apartment by myself, and I realized, like,
damn dish, and you just finished the whole fucking bottle
of wine by yourself night after night, thinking you're having
a ball, but deep telling you and just lonely, and
(17:24):
the first person that talks to you end up spilling
along with your secrets because you genuinely want someone to
talk to. That's me right now. But yeah, thank you
for listening. Oh and I know I know it'll get better,
Damn baby girl, If you love me, you'll listen to
(17:45):
this commercial and then we'll be right back. Listen. Let
me tell you. You sent me through a series of
emotions with your story. I'm going to tell you I
went from being said sorry for you, disappointed, angry with you,
content with you, proud of you, wanting to beat your ass,
(18:08):
still wanting to hug you, grab you, and just hug
you and tell you that it is okay. I'm not
gonna sit here and say it's okay. You should be
forgiven for everything you did. Know you didn't sucked over
some people, but you already know you did. I don't
have to beat a dead horse. You already know what
you did was wrong. And when it comes to karma, no, no,
(18:33):
I don't believe that's what you're getting. I don't believe
that this is your karma or any of that ship.
What I do believe it's hurt people. Hurt people. Yes,
you was traumatized from a kid up until you were
a adult. You got the ship beat out of you.
Your mother didn't raise you, your father died, You and
(18:56):
your siblings had to fend for yourselves, so you basically
raised yourself along with your siblings wherever they could pitch
in and help raise you as well. Y'all raised each other.
It's nine of you. I see things like this all
the time. I grew up around families like this. I've
seen it. I'm gonna tell your story. I'm serious. Someone
(19:19):
who was once a friend of mine, y'all may know
this story. A couple of years ago, this girl had
put my personal information all over the internet. Not my sister.
My sister had did it to me, but I had
a friend. She put both of my phone numbers and
my address because I had made her angry. We were
arguing back and forth, and she did that. You know,
I had to move out of my house. I had
(19:41):
to change both of my numbers, the same number that
I've had since middle school. That everyone knew, everybody in
the industry, old friends, family, all that people, important people
had to change that. She came from a big family.
Her mother didn't raise her either. Her mother was somewhere
chasing men and ship like that. You know what I mean.
She don't have her father. Her father is actually dying,
(20:03):
if he's not already dead, but he was never in
her life. Didn't even want to meet her while he
was sick on his deathbed, didn't even want to fucking
apologize for anything that he did or anything that he
didn't do as a father. Her and her siblings had
to raise each other in the house. She used to
be walking up and down the street barefoot. Same ship
(20:25):
that you are describing to me happened to this girl
that was once my friend. Every friendship that she has
created and she has been in, she has fucked up.
So when I look at you and I look at
your story, you remind me of my old friend. We've
recently reconnected. I will never ever, ever trust her ever
(20:50):
again in my presence, with my new address, with any
of my numbers. But we kind of speak here and
there on social media. She's pregnant now, but she describe
some of the same things that you described to me.
She was a very lonely person. I don't know if
she is now, but I have forgiven her for everything
that she's done, because there were some really good memories
(21:11):
that we had in our friendship, you know, before all
that ship went down. But I realized she's hurt from
her childhood. You are hurt from your childhood, and you
inflict pain on others because it was inflicted on you.
Hurt people, hurt people. I know that's a very cliche saying,
but it's true. You are very fucking hurt and you're damaged.
(21:34):
And I suggest that you get into like a peace group.
I don't know if you go to church. I don't
know if you're a Christian or not or whatever, But
there are all types of groups, different types of groups
that you can get in to build your social status
learning how to treat people. You said you don't know
how to treat people. You can start by first writing
down how you want to be treated. What do you
(21:55):
want to feel? Do you want to feel how you
felt growing up? No? Funck No? Do you want to
feel like those girls that you ridiculed and you tortured
and you bullied? And ship? You want to feel like that? No?
You don't want to feel like that. Do you want
to do that ship? No, you don't want to do
that ship. I think that that's a good outlet for you.
(22:16):
You should get into one of those groups. There are
other people just like you. You feel like you're lonely,
there are other people who feel just like you. You're
not the only one that's dealing with that, you know.
I think that that's what you should do. You should
should seek social groups to be in. You know, I
think you should continue to reach out to me. After
(22:40):
listening to you, I will be checking in on you. Uh,
this is off air, you know what I mean. This
is not only for carefully reckless. You cried. I can
tell you're hurt. You still need to heal. You still
need to get past what happened to you as a child,
because if you don't, you'll let it hinder you for
the rest of your life. You know, you still got
a lot of life to live. You know you answered
a lot of your own questions. You know what you
(23:02):
need to do going forward. I think that's the healthiest
thing for you to do. That's a good start for you.
You need therapy as well. You need counseling before you
get in these groups. There are things that you need
to get out. You had a lot bottled up. I
could have given you your own episode with the things
(23:22):
that you and I could sit and talk about back
and forth. I want you to check in with me. Jesus, girl,
you got me fucking emotional. Girl. You need to check
in with me more, way more um and I'll be
checking in on YouTube. And I want to let you
know I don't know you from a can of paint.
You don't know me, but from one woman to another,
(23:45):
one young lady to another, I love you. I do
love you. I think you need to hear that. I
think you need some type of affection. I think you
need to reunite with your mother as well, you know,
and tell her how you feel. You don't have your dad.
You don't have a dad, you know, but you still
do have a living parent. I think she gave up
on being a mother, so you blame her for a
(24:08):
lot of things. But I think that you need to
talk to her. I think you need to seek counseling therapy,
like a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I can't sit here
and tell you that I know the accurate difference, Like
I really don't know the exact difference between a psychologist
and a psychiatrist. But should We're gonna figure this ship
out together because I'm all about helping people, not just women,
(24:32):
mainly women. And then I want you to seek those
piece groups, you know, those social groups and ship they're
everywhere everywhere. I know you don't want to hurt people
for the rest of your life. Who the fund does
you couldn't have been getting no type of enjoyment out
of fucking up other people's lives and sucking up all
those bonds and and fucking your home girls and niggas
(24:54):
and ship like that deep down inside. No, no, no,
no no, you thought that ship made you better. It didn't.
Temporarily it did, but no, you're right back to square one.
I want you to check in with me. I'm serious
about that. And on that note, we're gonna end this episode.
This one has been a very emotional one for me.
(25:17):
I'm not gonna lie that that ship is gonna be
on my mind. But I want you guys to tune
into co Parents and Therapy at seven pm tonight, Me
and Jerome are sitting down with our very first guest,
and you guys do not want to miss it. Make
sure you tune into Carefully Reckless each and every Wednesday
morning as early as seven am, whether you're on your
way to work, on your way to the gym, already
(25:39):
at work, or already at the gym, taking your babies
to school, wherever you find your podcast, make sure you
tune in every week and in my deepest pamboys, Peace, Love,
(26:59):
can't Belie. Reckless is a production of I heart Radio
and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
visit the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever
you listen to your favorite shows.
Host
Jess Hilarious
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