February 11, 2026 • 31 mins
In today's session, we hear from Gladys, Jasmine, and Elijah as they explore themes of power versus powerlessness, finding joy amidst challenges, and building resilience. Gladys talks about her efforts to stay intentional while dating and helping Elijah feel empowered from a distance. Jasmine questions the necessity of finding positivity during times of pain. Elijah opens up about his feelings of powerlessness and the limitations of communication in influencing others. The session encourages focusing on what brings joy and mastering the skill of gratitude to build mental strength. The key message is understanding what internal power we have, even when external factors feel uncontrollable.
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Eliah Connie, and this is family theory.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
For me, it's more of just about motivation to do
the things we need to do to stop feeling powerless.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Do you feel like there's a need to find pleasure
in all types of feelings? Because I feel like sometimes
I just want to feel what I'm feeling, the feeling
of powerless. And when I came away from that conversation
with him, I didn't like the term powerless.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Today you're going to hear from Gladys, Jasmine, and Elijah,
and if you've been listening with us for a while,
you already know a few things about them. You know
Gladys as someone who speaks her mind and advocates for
authenticity even when life is shifting and especially when it
gets hard. Today we see a different side of her
(01:00):
during the session. She shows up talking about dating again,
about joy, but also staying intentional with Elijah and finding
ways for him to feel empowered even from a distance.
You know Jasmine as deeply reflective and struggling with letting
go of some aspects and with some people in her life.
(01:21):
In this session, she challenges us with the question, is
it really really necessary to find something positive at moments
when we're feeling overwhelmed or hurting, and we know Elijah
as thoughtful, articulate, and very clear about his inner world.
Today he names something that sits heavy for a lot
(01:41):
of us, especially young adults navigating systems, authority, and expectations.
He calls it powerlessness, and he's not using that word casually.
Our conversations aren't about fixing anyone. It's about understanding how
power control, emotions, and mindset actually work, and what we
(02:04):
can do when life feels like it's pressing in on
us from all sides. The core themes of today's session
are power versus powerlessness, what we can't control versus what
we actually can, gratitude as a skill not a distraction,
communication versus manipulation, and building tolerance for life, how joy,
(02:29):
pleasure and self investment increases resilience. Let's get into the session. Gladdys,
what's something you've been pleased about since we last met.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
I actually have been going out on dates and I've
been extremely pleased about getting out and socializing and having
great conversations. So yeah, that's what's been going on with me.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
That's been new.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
And I shouldn't say dates like it's more than one person.
But I've actually gone out on several dates with one
person that it's pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Okay, so are you liking this person?
Speaker 3 (03:07):
I am. He's cool, very good, very good and jazz.
When you settled, yes, I'm settled. I'm pleased about waking
up this morning. It's just been very rough the last
week or two. Nothing to complain about, but it's just
been rough.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Okay, I need to tell me one thing other than
you woke up this morning, even if it's a small thing.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
I'm pleased to be a mom.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Okay, all right, love that, Thank you, Jasmine. What do
you guys want to get accomplished here today? What are
your best hope from talking with me today?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Well, since it's been a while, we can hear Elijah
because we haven't had a call with him. I don't
know if Elijah, were you able to get on a
call with your uncle, a session with your uncle? No? Oh,
so we haven't connected. So I'm open for anything.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
What would open for anything? Like mean to you? What
would be a way that you would be like this
is going well?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well? We all, I mean we haven't we all on
the session right now? We haven't spoken since Elijah's gone away,
and he opened up with talking about being able to
speak more and learn more from his aunt and then
us hanging out in Massachusetts when I was up there.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Okay, so now that we are all on a call together, Gladys,
what do you hope would be the outcome of it?
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well? I was, this was the thing that I was
thinking about Elijah, because since Elliott, you, Elijah and I
have been on we spoke about him being able to
cook more. So Elijah and I have just been speaking
in the last couple of weeks as far as getting
a budget together so that we can start cooking together online,
(04:59):
like you know, we figure out what his closest farmer's
market is and do recipes and recipes that are going
to be able to get them through his next school
year without causing any type of conflict of timing and
how that goes?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
How do you how do you hope this meeting and
like maybe even revisiting cooking with Elijah would make a.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Difference for him, because just in Elijah and I, like
you know, talking and conversating like we were trying to like,
he was sharing with me how he felt and about
like you know, not just being able to do certain
things and feeling like the feeling of powerless, And when
(05:42):
I came away from that conversation with him, I didn't
like the term powerless. So we both were able to, like,
you know, go back and forth on what exactly that
is and maybe be able to regain a sense of
power with also to just like you know, so like
(06:04):
I feel like we have because we have been. Elijah
and I have been communicating since right now. His schedule
is in transition and going back to work in school,
so it's just been figuring out what we can do together.
Although a part to feel empowered and empowered anywhere he's at,
(06:28):
like type of a deal and being able to freely
communicate what his needs are to be able to accomplish
the common goal for him, which is do well in school,
be able to save money, and do well at his work,
which he always does because of the type of work
he does. So I think it was that part for me,
(06:51):
so for him and I, like I'm still bouncing off
of our last session with Elijah and I together of
really implementing what makes him happy and comfortable and feeling
good about himself, as like that aspect of cooking. So
I've just tried to stay in that.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Perfect Okay, Elijah, what are you hoping you'll be able
to achieve today?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
There was something I've been thinking about for a while.
It's having to do with power. Mom told me how
she didn't like the term powerless when I spoke of
in you know, being able to do what makes me happy.
But honestly, I believe that's the best adjective for how
(07:38):
I feel and especially what described the situation I'm in,
because I will say this oftentimes, like what I hear
from what I see from a lot of relationships or dynamics,
is communication the same then compromise, And that's something that
(08:02):
I have been told and have been trying to.
Speaker 5 (08:08):
Do for a long time. But I will say honestly.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I am sort of I'm tired of that idea because
I don't really think that in many cases, unless in hindsight,
we could say that that's important, but in the moment,
especially when emotions are running high, those things aren't really
(08:38):
Those things aren't something that I can really that process
isn't something I could really fall back on because of
just like the issues that are with the person I'm
talking to or with me, and I'm just like starting
to realize that.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
More and more. That's sort of what I would like
to talk about.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Excellent, Okay, Jasmine, what about you? What are you hoping
to get from being here today?
Speaker 3 (09:04):
I definitely can relate to a lot that Elijah just mentioned,
even in hearing. I want to kind of understand more
from you. Do you think there's like you asking us
what are we pleased about within the last week or so? Like?
Do you does there have to be pleasure in like,
(09:24):
like say Elijah feeling powerless or I can say I'm
feeling powerless. Do you feel like there's a need to
find pleasure in all types of feelings? Because I feel
like sometimes I just want to feel what I feel
and I don't see any pleasure or being pleased. And
(09:45):
you know, not to sound like Devil's advocate or trying
to play victim, but I sometimes just want to feel
what I'm feeling so I can keep it pushing. I'm
not sure if that's the same sentiment as Elijah, but
I'm just like, if I'm feeling powerless, I can't see
any pleasure in that. I don't want to see any
good in whatever it is. If I'm feeling negative in
(10:07):
the moment or mutual. I don't want to look at pleasure.
I want to kind of get through the emotions of
it and then work from there. That's why it's kind
of hard for me to see. But why But why
because why not?
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Because sitting in emotions that don't serve us doesn't serve us.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
But if we're feeling, and I'm going to use the
example of powerless, what's the pleasure in that?
Speaker 1 (10:35):
One of the true important things of life is to
be able to notice good parts of your life even
while in the presence of difficult challenges.
Speaker 4 (10:46):
Do you think that's a distracting No.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Okay, no, I don't think that's a distraction at all.
In fact, I think it's a skill. One of the
things that I do with every single client I've ever
worked with in my twin years of practice, because it's
like with the arapiss is, I ask them what's been
better and what's going well in their lives, and I'll
be very honest, you can tell you I do that
because people who are happy and mentally healthy have a
(11:11):
skill of being able to pay attention to the things
in their lives that they like and appreciate, so that
the things that are happening in their life that are
difficult don't overpower their happiness because the truth is, every
single person has things going on in their life that
they don't like and experience is challenging, and every single
person has things in their life that they're grateful for.
(11:32):
Happy people with strong mental health have an ability to
attend to the good things even while in the presence
of the bad. What if you're overwhelmed, then it becomes
even more important.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Okay, I respect it.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
If I may say something, of course.
Speaker 5 (11:49):
Powerless, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Typically it's something that find my lot and personally made
me fluctrated and as well as incredibly sad, and that
has made it to where I start to, you know,
us seclude myself at times.
Speaker 5 (12:11):
What I was, what Auntie Jazmin was saying, is.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
That I do believe it makes sense for me if
I were to continue to say, oh, I have these
things that I'm grateful.
Speaker 5 (12:26):
For in a sense or I'm pleased about.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
To me, that would be a distraction because at the moment,
the good does not highlight the bad. However, I will
say this that because I'm so angry, it oftentimes is
motivating for me to try to make more good things
to take back, more power to become here. So I
(12:54):
think that's like a very much like in between. For me,
it's more of just like in order to get out
of the like in a sense of what you're saying.
But for me, it's like it's more just like getting
like you're finding a reason to look for happiness in
order to you know, I guess it's a motivation to
(13:14):
to actually create your own sense of happiness.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
But it's actually deeper than that, and it speaks to
how powerful the human brain is. So so Elijah, like,
let me give you an example, Elijah, have you heard
about powerball lottery? The lottery?
Speaker 5 (13:32):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Do you know how big it is right now currently
this moment, Jasmine the Gladys, have you heard about how
big it is? Over nine hundred fifty million dollars? Okay,
So I want to like, because Jasmine talked about this
thing about being a distraction, and Jasmine, I totally understand
(13:55):
why you would say that, Elijah, totally makes sense. But
I want you to understand why it's so important to
be able to develop the skill of focusing on things
that you're pleased with, i e. Things you have power over.
Because let me show you how powerful the human brain is.
If I walked up to Elijah and I was wearing
(14:16):
Timberland boots, and for no reason at all, I walked
over to Elijah and I stomped on his foot as
hard as I possibly could. And Elijah was barefoot. So
Elijah standing there, barefoot, I walk right up to him
and I stomp on his barefoot as hard as I
possibly can in my Timberland boots. Elijah, do you think
(14:40):
that would hurt?
Speaker 5 (14:41):
What do you think? So?
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Yes, Elijah, you think it would hurt? Right, yes? And
then so Elijah, I stomp on his foot as hard
as I can, and Elijah gets mad at me. What'd
you do that for? And he starts charging towards me.
And then I pull out of my pocket the winning
powerball ticket and I say, Elijah, here you go. You
now have nine hundred and fifty million dollars. His brain
(15:12):
will focus on the nine hundred and fifty million dollars
and will forget that his foot hurts, that pain.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
Is still there. That pain can't go away.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
It can, That's exactly what I'm telling you. It can.
It will literally not hurt. And jazzmine, physical pain can
go away y, yes, And Jasmine, can I explain to
you why? Because your brain, my brain, Elijah's brain, Gladys's brain,
Jackson's brain, every human beings brain. They can only hold
(15:46):
one thought at a time. So if you are attending
to your hurt foot and then I say, wait, Elizah,
don don't kill me, don't kill me. Here, gott, here's
the winning power ball ticket his brain, We'll start focusing
on that and then the pain no longer exists. That's
how powerful your brain is. So I'm using this as
(16:07):
an example to make the argument that if you say
something Jasmine, like I just want to sit in this
negative emotion, you're guaranteeing unhappiness, which, as a therapist I
have to say is odd.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
But how okay, all right, I do understand it from
a therapist's point of view. However, when you're in it
in real life and real time, it's like I So,
for me, I feel like I might have a problem
with suppressing my emotions. So I get nervous about that
because I'll blow up later or I'll start crying out
(16:44):
of nowhere. So it's like, oh, think happy thoughts, Think
happy thoughts, but I'm still suppressing I don't know.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
I want to be clear. I'm not saying think happy thoughts.
I'm saying, find things in your life that are genuinely
things that please you. That's not suppression. That's you attending
to the parts of your life that will make you happy.
Because the truth is, every single person has good things
happening in their life and bad things happening in your life.
(17:13):
And if you have the skill of focusing on the
bad things and you are guaranteeing yourself to not be happy,
I'm making the argument that part of happiness and mental
wellness is simply being able to develop the ability to
attend to the good things in your life, and that
will ensure happiness.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
Okay, I think it, just can.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I love that, Jasmine. And when you're in a happy
mood because I gave you a nine hundred and fifty
million dollar lottery ticket, the problems look different from the
space of a happy mood. So, Elijah, while she's frozen,
what do you think about what I said? I because
I'm make in the argument that happiness and mental health
(17:58):
are actually skills.
Speaker 5 (18:03):
I agree that it's a skill, not a skill particularly
that I've mastered yet, but something that I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
I think that in instances where just where I'm at
right now, I don't know. I think it's just for me.
It's more of just about motivation to do the things
you need to do to stop feeling powerless, not necessarily
just being grateful for what I have now, because those
(18:37):
things don't really motivate me as much. It's more about
the desire of what I want for myself in order
to feel happy or at peace.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Really, And you mentioned something earlier, Elijah, about like how
important communication is, and I so instead of focusing on
feeling powerless, which I totally understand and hear you saying,
I can focus on the part that I can control,
which is my ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Right,
(19:10):
That's actually how you regain your control. It's like, well,
I can't control a lot of other people respond, but
I can reclaim my ability to express my thoughts and
feelings in an honest way.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Yes, But at the same time that doesn't matter to me. Really,
it does, but only to an extent. What part being honest,
Because even if I'm honest, I still have no true
ability to control the actions of other people, specifically the people.
Speaker 5 (19:40):
Who have power or an authority over me.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
I was just gonna mention what at this time, who
has power or of authority over you?
Speaker 5 (19:51):
For you to I don't.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Think it's about It's more of like a respect thing
outside as well as authority. You can have respect for anybody,
but that doesn't necessarily mean a person and you have
in respect for somebody, that person overpowers what your will is,
because that's different, right. But it's I understand where Elijah's
(20:13):
coming from because it's like, yes, people talk about, oh,
you need to communicate, but it's like I feel like
people fall short where they don't understand the difference between
communication and being honest. So it's like, yeah, you know,
we'll try to communicate, but is it worse? But the
thing is different things with the same outcome. There's two
(20:37):
different conversations, and I want to hear what you have
to say, but I also want to hear what Zia
has to say. Elijah needs to say about exactly what
that is for him, because who does he feel has
power over him right at this time? And respect and
having power over somebody are two different things.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
So I want to say thing about that because what
you and Elijah we're saying I think is really important
and we only have a few minutes left. Elijah seems
to think and understandably so that like, I can't control
the behaviors and actions literally his words of other people. Yes,
(21:16):
I am right.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Yeah, No, I wasn't second guess, and that no one
can like really no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
I wouldn't sayny were Yeah. I want to explain that
communication for the purposes of getting someone else to change
is actually not communication. That's manipulation.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Absolutely great.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
So what I want Elijah and all of you to
realize is that if I tell my truth, right, if
I simply say this is how I feel about a thing,
and the other person responds in a way that I
experience is negative, and so be it. I'm not responsible
(22:02):
to their behavior, nor can I control it.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
But if it's from somebody that you love or somebody
that has had authority over you, there's still that feeling there,
that emotion there that feels like it's tugging at you. Yes,
of course we want to think positive or think about
what was the best thing that happened to us. However,
when that emotion is provoked from someone that we love
(22:28):
or admire, that is the emotion that we're fighting against.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
In a sense, if I wake up every day.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
As I do, and I and I think, what are
the things in my life I'm most pleased about, what
I'm most grateful for? That exercise will put my mindset
in a particular framework to help me deal with the
obstacles that come up in that day otherwise than if
I hadn't. I am not saying that when someone that
(22:58):
you're that's supposed to love and respect you treat you badly,
you should like find something good about that. That is
not what I'm saying. I'm saying developing the skill of
paying really close attention to the things in your life
that you are pleased with and grateful for will put
your mind frame in such a way that it will
help you deal with the obstacles of life better. So
(23:22):
when we say we're powerless, you are one hundred powerless
over who shows you respect and who shows you love.
But you are powerful in your mindset and developing a
mindset of being able to attend to what you're grateful
for aside from all of the other bullshit that might
be causing you stress. When you do face that stress,
(23:42):
you be facing it with an in shape and intact mind. Okay, yes,
the difference between like when you feel powerless, it's because
you're Elijah one hundredcent right. I can't control the actions
and behaviors of other people, but I can control the
hour of my mind. And the easiest way to do
(24:02):
that is to pay really close attention to the things
in your life that you're really grateful for, because then
when you face the obstacles, you face them from a
position of power. So you are powerless in terms of
being able to influence how other people treat you, but
you're powerful in terms of how you show up in
face of an obstacle.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I'm not sure that actually helps, because there's a difference
between being powerless in face of how they treat you
versus how someone influences me. Because I like you, I
can be I can be as grateful for stuff as
(24:42):
much as I want. But when it comes to it,
if someone has the ability to dictate and influence certain
parts of my life, and that does impede on my
ability to be grateful for certain things.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
But Elijah, that's true and also not true because if
I follow that logic, that means people in prison can't
be happy or grateful because someone is controlling every minute
of their day and every minute of their life and
every aspect of their life, and that is in fact
not true. That is in fact not true.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
Yikes.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
So I feel like we're kind of imprisoning ourselves with
that mentality.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Exactly exactly because Elijah, Elijah makes a really good point,
like when people are controlling me and they have control
over my life and they and they're influencing me in
a certain way, that's an unpleasant thing. And I'm not
debating that. But if I follow that logic, that means
someone in a situation like prison can't be happy or
(25:41):
have gratefulness, and that is in fact not true. I
know that because I've actually gone into prisons and worked
with people. You have to set yourself free from the
mentality that is causing me to overfocus on the things
I can't control, and then develop the ability to focus
more on the things I can, which are things like communicating,
(26:02):
which are things like things that bring you joy, peace
and happiness. Elijah, this is exactly why cooking is so important,
because if if and this is the way human rings
are organized, and then I have to run. But like
if Elijah were like locked in a room for a month,
and then I let him out of that room for
(26:24):
after being locked in a room for a month, and
he goes to start his car and it doesn't start,
he would flip out most people beings like it's like,
oh my god, I can't even take this on today.
But let's say Elijah spent a month with Gordon Ramsey
learning how to cook, and then at the end of
that month, he literally spent thirty days Gordon Ramsey taught
(26:46):
him everything for thirty days. At the end of that month,
he gets into his car, starts a car and it
doesn't start. Eliza would be like, oh, that's okay, I'll
just uber And it's simply because he spent a month
feeding into himself, his tolerance of other things has now changed.
This is exactly what I'm talking about, being able to
(27:07):
influence your own tolerance for difficult things by attending to
the things in your life that you enjoy. Now, Elijah,
I'm gonna guess you would really enjoy spending a month
with Gordon rams more so than like I would, or
you know, maybe maybe tasmin or, you know, but like
if I were to spend a month hanging out with
jay Z. My tolerance would go up. After the end
(27:30):
of that month. I'd be like, Oh, I don't care
if my car didn't start, you know, but what happens.
And you guys have all seen this in people. It
just seems like they're always irritating, they're always frustrated. Then
that one that one tiny thing happens and they blow
up on the tiny things if it's a big thing,
those are the That's exactly what I'm talking about. We
have to have the ability to attend to ourselves and
control the pieces that we can control. Okay, you should, yeah,
(27:56):
you know, you know, don't start with me.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
But it's so much clearer now.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
As long as we got there in the end, that's
all I care about thinking of it. Okay, bye, So
youre bye.
Speaker 5 (28:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
If there's one thing I want you to take from
this session, it's this feeling powerless doesn't mean you are powerless.
What Elijah, Jasmine and Gladys walked us through today is
something many people struggle to name the difference between external
control and internal power. You cannot control how other people behaved.
(28:37):
You cannot control who shows up for you. You cannot
control authority systems or timing, but you can control where
your attention goes. You can develop the skill of noticing
what inspires you. You can invest in the parts of
your life that make you feel stronger, calmer, and more resilient.
(28:58):
This session wasn't about pretending pain doesn't exist. It wasn't
about suppressing emotions or forcing gratitude. I have to stress
this point. It was about understanding how the mind works
and how attending to what brings you joy actually increases
your tolerance for the hard things. When you feed yourself
(29:19):
through creativity, connection, cooking, learning, laughter, whatever it is for you,
you don't eliminate problems, You just stop letting them define you.
And that's how power is reclaimed. Today we're going to
end a little differently as I only have one question
that I would like for you to sit with. What
(29:41):
question could I ask myself that opens the doors of
possibility instead of closing them? Remember, sometimes the future doesn't
change when circumstances change. It changes when we start to
change our mind, when we start asking ourselves different questions
(30:03):
in order to create a new and much more ideal
perspective for our future.
Speaker 6 (30:23):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family and your feedback, leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seven
two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by
(30:45):
Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Fisham.
Speaker 6 (30:50):
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your health care provider or health team for
(31:11):
any specific concern or questions you may have.
I'm Eliah Connie, and this is family theory.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
For me, it's more of just about motivation to do
the things we need to do to stop feeling powerless.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Do you feel like there's a need to find pleasure
in all types of feelings? Because I feel like sometimes
I just want to feel what I'm feeling, the feeling
of powerless. And when I came away from that conversation
with him, I didn't like the term powerless.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Today you're going to hear from Gladys, Jasmine, and Elijah,
and if you've been listening with us for a while,
you already know a few things about them. You know
Gladys as someone who speaks her mind and advocates for
authenticity even when life is shifting and especially when it
gets hard. Today we see a different side of her
(01:00):
during the session. She shows up talking about dating again,
about joy, but also staying intentional with Elijah and finding
ways for him to feel empowered even from a distance.
You know Jasmine as deeply reflective and struggling with letting
go of some aspects and with some people in her life.
(01:21):
In this session, she challenges us with the question, is
it really really necessary to find something positive at moments
when we're feeling overwhelmed or hurting, and we know Elijah
as thoughtful, articulate, and very clear about his inner world.
Today he names something that sits heavy for a lot
(01:41):
of us, especially young adults navigating systems, authority, and expectations.
He calls it powerlessness, and he's not using that word casually.
Our conversations aren't about fixing anyone. It's about understanding how
power control, emotions, and mindset actually work, and what we
(02:04):
can do when life feels like it's pressing in on
us from all sides. The core themes of today's session
are power versus powerlessness, what we can't control versus what
we actually can, gratitude as a skill not a distraction,
communication versus manipulation, and building tolerance for life, how joy,
(02:29):
pleasure and self investment increases resilience. Let's get into the session. Gladdys,
what's something you've been pleased about since we last met.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
I actually have been going out on dates and I've
been extremely pleased about getting out and socializing and having
great conversations. So yeah, that's what's been going on with me.
Speaker 4 (02:55):
That's been new.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
And I shouldn't say dates like it's more than one person.
But I've actually gone out on several dates with one
person that it's pretty cool.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
Okay, so are you liking this person?
Speaker 3 (03:07):
I am. He's cool, very good, very good and jazz.
When you settled, yes, I'm settled. I'm pleased about waking
up this morning. It's just been very rough the last
week or two. Nothing to complain about, but it's just
been rough.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
Okay, I need to tell me one thing other than
you woke up this morning, even if it's a small thing.
Speaker 4 (03:32):
I'm pleased to be a mom.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Okay, all right, love that, Thank you, Jasmine. What do
you guys want to get accomplished here today? What are
your best hope from talking with me today?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Well, since it's been a while, we can hear Elijah
because we haven't had a call with him. I don't
know if Elijah, were you able to get on a
call with your uncle, a session with your uncle? No? Oh,
so we haven't connected. So I'm open for anything.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
What would open for anything? Like mean to you? What
would be a way that you would be like this
is going well?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well? We all, I mean we haven't we all on
the session right now? We haven't spoken since Elijah's gone away,
and he opened up with talking about being able to
speak more and learn more from his aunt and then
us hanging out in Massachusetts when I was up there.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Okay, so now that we are all on a call together, Gladys,
what do you hope would be the outcome of it?
Speaker 3 (04:36):
Well? I was, this was the thing that I was
thinking about Elijah, because since Elliott, you, Elijah and I
have been on we spoke about him being able to
cook more. So Elijah and I have just been speaking
in the last couple of weeks as far as getting
a budget together so that we can start cooking together online,
(04:59):
like you know, we figure out what his closest farmer's
market is and do recipes and recipes that are going
to be able to get them through his next school
year without causing any type of conflict of timing and
how that goes?
Speaker 1 (05:15):
How do you how do you hope this meeting and
like maybe even revisiting cooking with Elijah would make a.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Difference for him, because just in Elijah and I, like
you know, talking and conversating like we were trying to like,
he was sharing with me how he felt and about
like you know, not just being able to do certain
things and feeling like the feeling of powerless, And when
(05:42):
I came away from that conversation with him, I didn't
like the term powerless. So we both were able to, like,
you know, go back and forth on what exactly that
is and maybe be able to regain a sense of
power with also to just like you know, so like
(06:04):
I feel like we have because we have been. Elijah
and I have been communicating since right now. His schedule
is in transition and going back to work in school,
so it's just been figuring out what we can do together.
Although a part to feel empowered and empowered anywhere he's at,
(06:28):
like type of a deal and being able to freely
communicate what his needs are to be able to accomplish
the common goal for him, which is do well in school,
be able to save money, and do well at his work,
which he always does because of the type of work
he does. So I think it was that part for me,
(06:51):
so for him and I, like I'm still bouncing off
of our last session with Elijah and I together of
really implementing what makes him happy and comfortable and feeling
good about himself, as like that aspect of cooking. So
I've just tried to stay in that.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Perfect Okay, Elijah, what are you hoping you'll be able
to achieve today?
Speaker 2 (07:15):
There was something I've been thinking about for a while.
It's having to do with power. Mom told me how
she didn't like the term powerless when I spoke of
in you know, being able to do what makes me happy.
But honestly, I believe that's the best adjective for how
(07:38):
I feel and especially what described the situation I'm in,
because I will say this oftentimes, like what I hear
from what I see from a lot of relationships or dynamics,
is communication the same then compromise, And that's something that
(08:02):
I have been told and have been trying to.
Speaker 5 (08:08):
Do for a long time. But I will say honestly.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
I am sort of I'm tired of that idea because
I don't really think that in many cases, unless in hindsight,
we could say that that's important, but in the moment,
especially when emotions are running high, those things aren't really
(08:38):
Those things aren't something that I can really that process
isn't something I could really fall back on because of
just like the issues that are with the person I'm
talking to or with me, and I'm just like starting
to realize that.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
More and more. That's sort of what I would like
to talk about.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Excellent, Okay, Jasmine, what about you? What are you hoping
to get from being here today?
Speaker 3 (09:04):
I definitely can relate to a lot that Elijah just mentioned,
even in hearing. I want to kind of understand more
from you. Do you think there's like you asking us
what are we pleased about within the last week or so? Like?
Do you does there have to be pleasure in like,
(09:24):
like say Elijah feeling powerless or I can say I'm
feeling powerless. Do you feel like there's a need to
find pleasure in all types of feelings? Because I feel
like sometimes I just want to feel what I feel
and I don't see any pleasure or being pleased. And
(09:45):
you know, not to sound like Devil's advocate or trying
to play victim, but I sometimes just want to feel
what I'm feeling so I can keep it pushing. I'm
not sure if that's the same sentiment as Elijah, but
I'm just like, if I'm feeling powerless, I can't see
any pleasure in that. I don't want to see any
good in whatever it is. If I'm feeling negative in
(10:07):
the moment or mutual. I don't want to look at pleasure.
I want to kind of get through the emotions of
it and then work from there. That's why it's kind
of hard for me to see. But why But why
because why not?
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Because sitting in emotions that don't serve us doesn't serve us.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
But if we're feeling, and I'm going to use the
example of powerless, what's the pleasure in that?
Speaker 1 (10:35):
One of the true important things of life is to
be able to notice good parts of your life even
while in the presence of difficult challenges.
Speaker 4 (10:46):
Do you think that's a distracting No.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Okay, no, I don't think that's a distraction at all.
In fact, I think it's a skill. One of the
things that I do with every single client I've ever
worked with in my twin years of practice, because it's
like with the arapiss is, I ask them what's been
better and what's going well in their lives, and I'll
be very honest, you can tell you I do that
because people who are happy and mentally healthy have a
(11:11):
skill of being able to pay attention to the things
in their lives that they like and appreciate, so that
the things that are happening in their life that are
difficult don't overpower their happiness because the truth is, every
single person has things going on in their life that
they don't like and experience is challenging, and every single
person has things in their life that they're grateful for.
(11:32):
Happy people with strong mental health have an ability to
attend to the good things even while in the presence
of the bad. What if you're overwhelmed, then it becomes
even more important.
Speaker 4 (11:43):
Okay, I respect it.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
If I may say something, of course.
Speaker 5 (11:49):
Powerless, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Typically it's something that find my lot and personally made
me fluctrated and as well as incredibly sad, and that
has made it to where I start to, you know,
us seclude myself at times.
Speaker 5 (12:11):
What I was, what Auntie Jazmin was saying, is.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
That I do believe it makes sense for me if
I were to continue to say, oh, I have these
things that I'm grateful.
Speaker 5 (12:26):
For in a sense or I'm pleased about.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
To me, that would be a distraction because at the moment,
the good does not highlight the bad. However, I will
say this that because I'm so angry, it oftentimes is
motivating for me to try to make more good things
to take back, more power to become here. So I
(12:54):
think that's like a very much like in between. For me,
it's more of just like in order to get out
of the like in a sense of what you're saying.
But for me, it's like it's more just like getting
like you're finding a reason to look for happiness in
order to you know, I guess it's a motivation to
(13:14):
to actually create your own sense of happiness.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
But it's actually deeper than that, and it speaks to
how powerful the human brain is. So so Elijah, like,
let me give you an example, Elijah, have you heard
about powerball lottery? The lottery?
Speaker 5 (13:32):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Do you know how big it is right now currently
this moment, Jasmine the Gladys, have you heard about how
big it is? Over nine hundred fifty million dollars? Okay,
So I want to like, because Jasmine talked about this
thing about being a distraction, and Jasmine, I totally understand
(13:55):
why you would say that, Elijah, totally makes sense. But
I want you to understand why it's so important to
be able to develop the skill of focusing on things
that you're pleased with, i e. Things you have power over.
Because let me show you how powerful the human brain is.
If I walked up to Elijah and I was wearing
(14:16):
Timberland boots, and for no reason at all, I walked
over to Elijah and I stomped on his foot as
hard as I possibly could. And Elijah was barefoot. So
Elijah standing there, barefoot, I walk right up to him
and I stomp on his barefoot as hard as I
possibly can in my Timberland boots. Elijah, do you think
(14:40):
that would hurt?
Speaker 5 (14:41):
What do you think? So?
Speaker 1 (14:47):
Yes, Elijah, you think it would hurt? Right, yes? And
then so Elijah, I stomp on his foot as hard
as I can, and Elijah gets mad at me. What'd
you do that for? And he starts charging towards me.
And then I pull out of my pocket the winning
powerball ticket and I say, Elijah, here you go. You
now have nine hundred and fifty million dollars. His brain
(15:12):
will focus on the nine hundred and fifty million dollars
and will forget that his foot hurts, that pain.
Speaker 4 (15:19):
Is still there. That pain can't go away.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
It can, That's exactly what I'm telling you. It can.
It will literally not hurt. And jazzmine, physical pain can
go away y, yes, And Jasmine, can I explain to
you why? Because your brain, my brain, Elijah's brain, Gladys's brain,
Jackson's brain, every human beings brain. They can only hold
(15:46):
one thought at a time. So if you are attending
to your hurt foot and then I say, wait, Elizah,
don don't kill me, don't kill me. Here, gott, here's
the winning power ball ticket his brain, We'll start focusing
on that and then the pain no longer exists. That's
how powerful your brain is. So I'm using this as
(16:07):
an example to make the argument that if you say
something Jasmine, like I just want to sit in this
negative emotion, you're guaranteeing unhappiness, which, as a therapist I
have to say is odd.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
But how okay, all right, I do understand it from
a therapist's point of view. However, when you're in it
in real life and real time, it's like I So,
for me, I feel like I might have a problem
with suppressing my emotions. So I get nervous about that
because I'll blow up later or I'll start crying out
(16:44):
of nowhere. So it's like, oh, think happy thoughts, Think
happy thoughts, but I'm still suppressing I don't know.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
I want to be clear. I'm not saying think happy thoughts.
I'm saying, find things in your life that are genuinely
things that please you. That's not suppression. That's you attending
to the parts of your life that will make you happy.
Because the truth is, every single person has good things
happening in their life and bad things happening in your life.
(17:13):
And if you have the skill of focusing on the
bad things and you are guaranteeing yourself to not be happy,
I'm making the argument that part of happiness and mental
wellness is simply being able to develop the ability to
attend to the good things in your life, and that
will ensure happiness.
Speaker 4 (17:32):
Okay, I think it, just can.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I love that, Jasmine. And when you're in a happy
mood because I gave you a nine hundred and fifty
million dollar lottery ticket, the problems look different from the
space of a happy mood. So, Elijah, while she's frozen,
what do you think about what I said? I because
I'm make in the argument that happiness and mental health
(17:58):
are actually skills.
Speaker 5 (18:03):
I agree that it's a skill, not a skill particularly
that I've mastered yet, but something that I'm working on.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
I think that in instances where just where I'm at
right now, I don't know. I think it's just for me.
It's more of just about motivation to do the things
you need to do to stop feeling powerless, not necessarily
just being grateful for what I have now, because those
(18:37):
things don't really motivate me as much. It's more about
the desire of what I want for myself in order
to feel happy or at peace.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Really, And you mentioned something earlier, Elijah, about like how
important communication is, and I so instead of focusing on
feeling powerless, which I totally understand and hear you saying,
I can focus on the part that I can control,
which is my ability to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Right,
(19:10):
That's actually how you regain your control. It's like, well,
I can't control a lot of other people respond, but
I can reclaim my ability to express my thoughts and
feelings in an honest way.
Speaker 2 (19:20):
Yes, But at the same time that doesn't matter to me. Really,
it does, but only to an extent. What part being honest,
Because even if I'm honest, I still have no true
ability to control the actions of other people, specifically the people.
Speaker 5 (19:40):
Who have power or an authority over me.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
I was just gonna mention what at this time, who
has power or of authority over you?
Speaker 5 (19:51):
For you to I don't.
Speaker 3 (19:53):
Think it's about It's more of like a respect thing
outside as well as authority. You can have respect for anybody,
but that doesn't necessarily mean a person and you have
in respect for somebody, that person overpowers what your will is,
because that's different, right. But it's I understand where Elijah's
(20:13):
coming from because it's like, yes, people talk about, oh,
you need to communicate, but it's like I feel like
people fall short where they don't understand the difference between
communication and being honest. So it's like, yeah, you know,
we'll try to communicate, but is it worse? But the
thing is different things with the same outcome. There's two
(20:37):
different conversations, and I want to hear what you have
to say, but I also want to hear what Zia
has to say. Elijah needs to say about exactly what
that is for him, because who does he feel has
power over him right at this time? And respect and
having power over somebody are two different things.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
So I want to say thing about that because what
you and Elijah we're saying I think is really important
and we only have a few minutes left. Elijah seems
to think and understandably so that like, I can't control
the behaviors and actions literally his words of other people. Yes,
(21:16):
I am right.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Yeah, No, I wasn't second guess, and that no one
can like really no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
I wouldn't sayny were Yeah. I want to explain that
communication for the purposes of getting someone else to change
is actually not communication. That's manipulation.
Speaker 3 (21:35):
Absolutely great.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
So what I want Elijah and all of you to
realize is that if I tell my truth, right, if
I simply say this is how I feel about a thing,
and the other person responds in a way that I
experience is negative, and so be it. I'm not responsible
(22:02):
to their behavior, nor can I control it.
Speaker 3 (22:05):
But if it's from somebody that you love or somebody
that has had authority over you, there's still that feeling there,
that emotion there that feels like it's tugging at you. Yes,
of course we want to think positive or think about
what was the best thing that happened to us. However,
when that emotion is provoked from someone that we love
(22:28):
or admire, that is the emotion that we're fighting against.
Speaker 4 (22:31):
In a sense, if I wake up every day.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
As I do, and I and I think, what are
the things in my life I'm most pleased about, what
I'm most grateful for? That exercise will put my mindset
in a particular framework to help me deal with the
obstacles that come up in that day otherwise than if
I hadn't. I am not saying that when someone that
(22:58):
you're that's supposed to love and respect you treat you badly,
you should like find something good about that. That is
not what I'm saying. I'm saying developing the skill of
paying really close attention to the things in your life
that you are pleased with and grateful for will put
your mind frame in such a way that it will
help you deal with the obstacles of life better. So
(23:22):
when we say we're powerless, you are one hundred powerless
over who shows you respect and who shows you love.
But you are powerful in your mindset and developing a
mindset of being able to attend to what you're grateful
for aside from all of the other bullshit that might
be causing you stress. When you do face that stress,
(23:42):
you be facing it with an in shape and intact mind. Okay, yes,
the difference between like when you feel powerless, it's because
you're Elijah one hundredcent right. I can't control the actions
and behaviors of other people, but I can control the
hour of my mind. And the easiest way to do
(24:02):
that is to pay really close attention to the things
in your life that you're really grateful for, because then
when you face the obstacles, you face them from a
position of power. So you are powerless in terms of
being able to influence how other people treat you, but
you're powerful in terms of how you show up in
face of an obstacle.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
I'm not sure that actually helps, because there's a difference
between being powerless in face of how they treat you
versus how someone influences me. Because I like you, I
can be I can be as grateful for stuff as
(24:42):
much as I want. But when it comes to it,
if someone has the ability to dictate and influence certain
parts of my life, and that does impede on my
ability to be grateful for certain things.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
But Elijah, that's true and also not true because if
I follow that logic, that means people in prison can't
be happy or grateful because someone is controlling every minute
of their day and every minute of their life and
every aspect of their life, and that is in fact
not true. That is in fact not true.
Speaker 5 (25:15):
Yikes.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
So I feel like we're kind of imprisoning ourselves with
that mentality.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Exactly exactly because Elijah, Elijah makes a really good point,
like when people are controlling me and they have control
over my life and they and they're influencing me in
a certain way, that's an unpleasant thing. And I'm not
debating that. But if I follow that logic, that means
someone in a situation like prison can't be happy or
(25:41):
have gratefulness, and that is in fact not true. I
know that because I've actually gone into prisons and worked
with people. You have to set yourself free from the
mentality that is causing me to overfocus on the things
I can't control, and then develop the ability to focus
more on the things I can, which are things like communicating,
(26:02):
which are things like things that bring you joy, peace
and happiness. Elijah, this is exactly why cooking is so important,
because if if and this is the way human rings
are organized, and then I have to run. But like
if Elijah were like locked in a room for a month,
and then I let him out of that room for
(26:24):
after being locked in a room for a month, and
he goes to start his car and it doesn't start,
he would flip out most people beings like it's like,
oh my god, I can't even take this on today.
But let's say Elijah spent a month with Gordon Ramsey
learning how to cook, and then at the end of
that month, he literally spent thirty days Gordon Ramsey taught
(26:46):
him everything for thirty days. At the end of that month,
he gets into his car, starts a car and it
doesn't start. Eliza would be like, oh, that's okay, I'll
just uber And it's simply because he spent a month
feeding into himself, his tolerance of other things has now changed.
This is exactly what I'm talking about, being able to
(27:07):
influence your own tolerance for difficult things by attending to
the things in your life that you enjoy. Now, Elijah,
I'm gonna guess you would really enjoy spending a month
with Gordon rams more so than like I would, or
you know, maybe maybe tasmin or, you know, but like
if I were to spend a month hanging out with
jay Z. My tolerance would go up. After the end
(27:30):
of that month. I'd be like, Oh, I don't care
if my car didn't start, you know, but what happens.
And you guys have all seen this in people. It
just seems like they're always irritating, they're always frustrated. Then
that one that one tiny thing happens and they blow
up on the tiny things if it's a big thing,
those are the That's exactly what I'm talking about. We
have to have the ability to attend to ourselves and
control the pieces that we can control. Okay, you should, yeah,
(27:56):
you know, you know, don't start with me.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
But it's so much clearer now.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
As long as we got there in the end, that's
all I care about thinking of it. Okay, bye, So
youre bye.
Speaker 5 (28:12):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
If there's one thing I want you to take from
this session, it's this feeling powerless doesn't mean you are powerless.
What Elijah, Jasmine and Gladys walked us through today is
something many people struggle to name the difference between external
control and internal power. You cannot control how other people behaved.
(28:37):
You cannot control who shows up for you. You cannot
control authority systems or timing, but you can control where
your attention goes. You can develop the skill of noticing
what inspires you. You can invest in the parts of
your life that make you feel stronger, calmer, and more resilient.
(28:58):
This session wasn't about pretending pain doesn't exist. It wasn't
about suppressing emotions or forcing gratitude. I have to stress
this point. It was about understanding how the mind works
and how attending to what brings you joy actually increases
your tolerance for the hard things. When you feed yourself
(29:19):
through creativity, connection, cooking, learning, laughter, whatever it is for you,
you don't eliminate problems, You just stop letting them define you.
And that's how power is reclaimed. Today we're going to
end a little differently as I only have one question
that I would like for you to sit with. What
(29:41):
question could I ask myself that opens the doors of
possibility instead of closing them? Remember, sometimes the future doesn't
change when circumstances change. It changes when we start to
change our mind, when we start asking ourselves different questions
(30:03):
in order to create a new and much more ideal
perspective for our future.
Speaker 6 (30:23):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family and your feedback, leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seven
two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by
(30:45):
Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Fisham.
Speaker 6 (30:50):
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your health care provider or health team for
(31:11):
any specific concern or questions you may have.
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