December 24, 2025 • 39 mins
In this session, Jasmine, Elijah, and Gladys discuss the importance of open communication within families to truly understand each other without blame or silencing. Elijah raises profound questions about love and its complexity in familial interactions. The discussion moves towards how to maintain transparency and understand historical family trauma without taking things personally. The group also explores the idea of speaking their truth with care, even when responses might be offensive or triggering. This leads to a deeper understanding of boundaries and healthy love. The conversation serves as a reminder that real growth and healing come from aligning one's communication with their true self, and centers around balancing honesty with compassion.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Elliot Conyon and this is Family Theory. Welcome back.
Today's conversation brings together Jasmine, Elijah, and Gladys. This conversation
is not about fixing anyone, blaming anyone, or deciding who's
right and who's wrong. It's about how families talk to
(00:24):
one another when they actually want to understand. At the
heart of this season is a powerful question what happens
when we choose to communicate with honesty and compassion at
the same time. Not honesty that wounds and not compassion
that silences, but a balance that allows truth to be
(00:44):
spoken without erasing care. Early on in this session, Eliza
says something that really stopped me in my tracks. He
said he had to question what love truly is and
the value that it brings. And a small thing to say,
especially around your family, because most of us are taught
(01:06):
that love is enough, that love should smooth things over,
that love means we excuse behavior, tolerate disrespect, or silence
ourselves for the sake of keeping peace. But Elijah is
asking a deeper question. If love exists, why does it
feel confusing? Why does it sometimes mislead us? And how
(01:28):
do we stay honest without becoming cruel or quiet. Today's
conversation is really about honesty paired with compassion, about whether
understanding the history of our family's trauma helps us to
stop taking everything personally. And it's about what transparency actually
looks like when the stakes are high, when feelings are involved,
(01:52):
when anxiety shows up, and when old patterns get activated.
Or as everyone these days say, but this isn't a
conversation about saying whatever comes to mind. It's about learning
how to speak your truth without abandoning yourself or attacking
the people you love. Let's listen. What has been better
(02:16):
since we've last had a chance to chat.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I'll say things have been different. It hasn't been worse,
which is good, But things have.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Been different in what way?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
When I started this, I planned on learning with the
relationships I choose moving forward. Over the last few weeks, literally,
it feels like my siblings that I've been trying to
not in a sense let go, but just set my boundaries.
So what have you? It seems like they've been like
(02:49):
a force needing me more. I've had to step up
and step in more recently, which I was trying to
learn to step away from. So my brother ended up
having a diabetic coma. I believe it's called just about
a week and a half ago. So that's been extremely stressful,
(03:11):
you know, so just stepping into the position of being
the eldest sibling and having to even see him in
the state he was having to deal with my younger
siblings and or they're all right and things of that nature.
Make sure my mom and my nephew are okay. So
it was different because I wasn't as stressed realizing I'm
(03:34):
able to step out without being anxious about it.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Are you're pleased about that difference? Yes, excellent, And by
the way, sorry to hear about your brother.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
He's doing a lot better.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Now, what about Gladys and Elijah? What's been better in
your lives?
Speaker 3 (03:49):
So I've tried cooking more.
Speaker 4 (03:51):
I've actually have cooked a few more recipes, and I've
been trying to get more outside outside of actually just
went on a big adventure today to you know, up my.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
Photography game, and trying to write more.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
When it comes to like poetry and my other works,
I think a decent match change. I've had some talks
with other members of my family, including this one.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I've been trying to call more nice.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
All right, congranilations end badus. What about you? What's been better?
Speaker 5 (04:25):
My health? I'm super excited I get to go back
to work.
Speaker 6 (04:30):
I had surgery in February and the surgery went bad.
I ended up getting a huge infection and went septic,
so I had to be in the hospital for about nineties.
So I'm happy because I get to go back to
work next week and my body is getting better.
Speaker 5 (04:50):
I feel a lot better.
Speaker 6 (04:52):
I'm excited about Elijah going to his new job in
the summertime. I'm excited about Jazz coming down to move
to Georgia. So I'm super super super excited about everything.
Speaker 5 (05:07):
I feel pretty good about.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Life.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Excellent. So what outcome do you guys want to achieve
from talking today?
Speaker 5 (05:16):
Elijah?
Speaker 4 (05:20):
I think clarity of how we interact with each other,
our dynamics and for instance, is why we might act
in certain ways. Because I think that if we know how,
like who our biggest influences are, I think that would
clear things up of how we act as well.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
What do you if you have that kind of clarity, Elijah,
what difference do you hope it makes for you?
Speaker 4 (05:51):
I guess knowledge of the other person would make it
better to understand, like, Okay, why do you act this
way henceforth? Is there a way that I can move
accordingly with that information? Or is there a way that
I could grow from it despite knowing what I know?
Or if I can't change anything, is there anywhere I
can grow despite it?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
And what do you hope that does to your ability
to communicate with the other one that you're communicating.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
With allows some more honesty and straightforwardness, So.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
If today's topic led to more honesty and straightforwardness between
you and other family members, you'd be pleased? Yes? Perfect? Okay,
Jazz or Gladys. What are you hoping to get out
of our conversation? Toom?
Speaker 5 (06:36):
I love honesty and straightforwardness?
Speaker 6 (06:39):
I feel like what I would get out of it
is to be able to hear more of Elijah's voice.
I feel like Jazz could be able to say more
because you know her being the younger sister on this
side of her siblings.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
Like you know, I always feel like.
Speaker 6 (06:56):
I aim to be as trans parent as possible, even
in difficult times, because I know it's better than not
speaking of things.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
So I.
Speaker 6 (07:09):
Hope to learn, I guess more, but I from the
very I want to say, since Elijah's been in my life,
like I've always fought for, like speak your truth.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Well when I hear Elijah say that, what I hear
is giving more grace when trying to take yourself out
of feeling like it's personal, and that has worked for me.
It's just harder to do that with people that are
closest to you. It feels like sometimes because sometimes I
(07:42):
feel like I like, I already know you, so I
already know your story. However, that isn't the case. Just
because we've been in the same scenarios, we all have
different experiences. Being able to give that grace and hear
the other person side of things does help me learn
(08:03):
them and discern better. I should say, how.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Do you hope learning them and discerning them would make
a big difference for you?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
It will help me let go and not take it personal,
because even just thinking that, now there's one specific person
I'm thinking about, and it's very hard to let go
of a lot of disrespect and how they've treated me.
I don't know their story at all, even though I've
known them for years. It's an in law, not an
(08:36):
actual family member. But even though I've known them for years,
it's affected my right now life, like the things that
has transpired, I didn't even think to do that with them.
I'm hoping I can use these practics towards that I
guess to let a lot go.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
I'm trying to think the best way I can respond
to them that Well, Okay, is there love between all
of you.
Speaker 5 (09:05):
On the line?
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Absolutely, Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Okay, would you agree there's love between all of you? Yes?
What would you say about the level of love between
all of you there?
Speaker 3 (09:20):
Well, actually, there's the thing.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
I do believe that love exists between most of my
family members. It's just that for me personally, I've had
to question what exactly is love or what is the
value of love?
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Where have you landed? That's an interesting thing to question, Elijah,
Where have you landed?
Speaker 3 (09:39):
It's hard to say.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
It's not that love is necessarily dangerous, but it's something
that can be very misleading, you could say. And then
it's misleading through its warmth or through its appeal, because
we all in the sense want to be loved in
some fashion, my friends, family members, lovers. But then at
(10:02):
the end of the day, that desire to be loved
and shown love can mislead us.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Say more about that, mislead us.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
How for instance, like it's just say that, well, this
is a very I guess you can say extreme case.
But let's just say that you had a family member
who did a crime, and because you love that person,
you automatically think that they could never do that. But
the reality is that you really never know what a
(10:32):
person is capable or until they actually do it. Right,
That's where your loveless leads. It's not innocent until it's it. Yeah,
that's where it's basically it.
Speaker 6 (10:44):
Okay, you know, I want to dive more into the
way that Elijah actually fails because I personally think it
has to do with, you know, the fact of how
he's been raised into different households and looking at love
and seeing the differences in love and how it's represented
either with family to family, or I haven't had the
(11:08):
best relationships like love love relationships, and Elijah has spoken
his truth on that and questioned me about my partners
that I've chosen. So I feel like I need Elijah
to dig a little deeper in that because it's not
so much that the way you see it, I'm not
(11:28):
sure maybe you can answer it to Elijah, if I
taught you that, and if I did that, wasn't my
intention just to you know, just love Well, I.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Think I'd like to take the conversation in a different way,
if that's okay, Okay. I'm really fascinated by something Elijah said,
and I'm really fascinated on how this would impact the family.
So Elijah said, I want to be able in essence,
to be to be honest, to tell my truth. And
(12:02):
I love that. Actually, I think it's really important that
we be authentic selves and we tell our truths. And
I purposely ask how much love exists between all of
you and within all of you. The reason I ask
that is what would happen if all of you started
(12:24):
living in your truth, speaking in your truth in an honest,
transparent way while acknowledging love is present. Now, I'll give
you an example. So Elijah enjoys to cook. One of
my favorite meals is chicken cooked with Perry Perry spice
(12:48):
or Perry Perry sauce. There's a restaurant called Nando's. It's
mostly over here in Europe, and I'm very sad I
have not been to Nando's on this current trip, and
I'm really pissed about it my favorite meal. Let's say Elijah,
being a really nice person and someone who enjoys to cook,
(13:10):
says Elliott, I know that Perry Perry chicken is your
favorite meal. I'm going to cook it for you. And
I go to Elijah's home and he goes to cook this.
I have a lot of respect for Elijah and a
lot of love for myself. Let's say Elijah does his
(13:30):
very best to cook my favorite meal, but he gets
it all wrong and it's very very disgusting. And I
eat Elijah's meal and I think in my head, oh
my gosh, this is very very disgusting. And Elijah says
to me, Elliott, what do you think. Out of respect
(13:54):
for Elijah, I wouldn't say this is the worst meal
I've ever had. Even if that were my truth, I'd
have to communicate with Elijah in a way that honors
my level of respect and love for myself. So Elijah
would say, hey, Ellie, what do you think of the meal?
And I would say it's okay, it's all right now.
(14:17):
That's not me being incongruent. That's not me being insincere.
That's me saying I care a lot about Elijah's feelings
because he's someone I care about. I can tell my
truth while preserving care, and I can tell my truth
while preserving respect for myself because if I were to
(14:38):
say to Elijah, this tastes like shit, which Elijah, by
the way, I would never think you'd produce anything like that,
to be very clear. But if I were to say that,
do you guys notice how that's me being out of
positive character of myself. Right. So it's interesting to hear
(14:58):
Elijah say I want to be able to tell my truth,
and I'm thinking, ooh, of course I love that. I
think it's really important to be honest with yourself and others.
I think it's really important to be genuine and authentic.
But the really important question I have for all of
you is what would happen if you woke up tomorrow?
And the only way I know how to communicate is honesty.
(15:20):
It's almost like while you were in fleet, I snuck
into your bedrooms and I gave you a truth serum shot. Right.
I had this needle and I poked each of you
in the arm, but I gave you truth serum shock.
And what this truth serum shot did was it guaranteed
that you were only able to tell your truth, you
literally can no longer fabricate. But also inside of the serum,
(15:45):
it reminds you that I love the person I'm talking to,
and I need to communicate in a way that honors
that I loved myself too. What would be different in
the way you guys communicated if you knew I'm only
able to tell the truth, but in a way that
honors my love and care for that other person.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
I was gonna say, it feels like I have that
truth sarum shot except for that last part.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
But that's right, Jazz. But that's why I ask it,
because we tend to think, and you know, yell at me.
I think I'm wrong, but we tend to think. If
Elijah makes my favorite chicken and I bite into it,
Perry's sauce can be quite spicy. If I bite into
it and it's really really spicy, and Elijah asks me,
(16:28):
what do I think? We tend to think. Unless I
cuss his ass out, I'm not being real. But the
truth is I can absolutely say to Elijah, it's okay,
I probably don't need it to eat anymore. And that's true,
while also honoring I care about Elijah, I have to
yell at him or cuss him out or tell him
(16:48):
it's really terrible, and what were you thinking? Like, I
don't have to do any of that. I can simply
live in my truth and express my truth while preserving care.
So Jazz, what you just said I think is really important.
Like I have the first part, and most people have
the first part. I'm capable looking at Elijah and be
like this is gross. It's the second part that's really important.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I feel like, especially nowadays, people just want to be offended.
So I feel like that's why I've silenced to myself,
because it's like I'll try to say like because I've learned,
Like even my sister she will tell me growing up
with my other siblings, we joke and speak to each
(17:30):
other harshly, and that has helped me so much. But
now I have to figure out how to say things.
I always feel like I want to be honest because
I don't want to mislead anyone. However, even changing the
way I say whatever the case may be, even like Elijah,
I wasn't into that it was too spicy for me,
(17:52):
I feel like somebody would still get offended.
Speaker 4 (17:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I want to say, Elijah, but I feel like people
would still be offended by that.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
But the reason why I said no in Elijah, I
see you and I'm gonna come to you next. The reason, Jazz,
why I said no because here's the wonderful thing about
honesty and truth. I actually don't care how the other
person responds. So when you're like, I feel like people
want to be offended. If I communicate with and Elijah,
I hope you don't feel like I'm picking on y'all.
(18:19):
I promise you, Eliza, I'm sure anything you cooked would
be delicious? Are you good? If I communicate with Elijah
trying to get a response or not get a response,
that's not actually communication. That's manipulation. If I communicate with
Elijah trying to get a response or trying not to
get a response, communication for the purposes of a specific
(18:41):
response is not communication, it's manipulation. Telling my truth means
I'm gonna tell Elijah what I think of the meal
he'd made for me, and I'm gonna do it with
love and compassion because I care about him. Now, if
Elijah does get offended or doesn't, I'm no longer responsible
for that, you know what I mean, Like, I'm not
(19:03):
communicating with Elijah so he doesn't feel offended or not.
I'm communicated with Elijah because this is my truth and
I want to communicate my truth in the most loving, caring,
honest way. To Jazz's point, Elijah might still get offended,
but that is no longer my responsibility because if I
communicate with Elijah trying to minimize his offense or trying
(19:24):
to get a specific response, that is manipulation. That is
actually not communicating Elijah. You were going to say something.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
I sort of learned this from years of watching anemite.
But when I think that the response that you gave
me was too placid, I think the word is And
for me this is especially because if the person like me,
I like to cook and you tell me that it's okay,
(19:52):
I'm going to take that as I did a decent
job with the meal. However, if you don't, that is
a lack of honesty. There's difference between what you're saying
right now, like saying it's crap. Basically that is allowing
for me to continue my methods and not improve.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Honestly, I feel like it is. Imagine if you had someone.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
Work really hard on a project, day in day out,
doing their absolute best to succeed in this project, and
in the competition that they're supposed to present it, the judge,
instead of critiquing them to their fullest capability, they pull
back their judgments, and then you're wondering, oh, I don't
know how well I actually do it or what I
(20:32):
could improve on. That is a disservice to that person.
It's also a lack of respect. In my opinion, there's
a difference between meekness and cruelty.
Speaker 3 (20:42):
You have to find the in between.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
And of course, like the only thing you can really
control is what you say and how you react to
another person's response, and that's when if they get offended,
that's on them.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
All you have to know.
Speaker 4 (20:59):
All you have to think about is did I act
in a way that is balanced? Was I acting cool?
Was I acting meek? If not, then it's okay. But yeah,
I if it were me, especially if it were me
and someone else was cooking for me and asked me
how I do and I didn't like it, I'm not
(21:19):
gonna say you need to start over again.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
I'm gonna say needs a lot of work. Here are
the reasons why.
Speaker 4 (21:26):
But this is your first time making the meal, so
I'm not going to critique you too harshly for that.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Elijah. I love it, bro I love it so like
if it's a very different thing, like, Elijah, you got
my like brain bringing, right, It's a very different thing
to say, oh, this is disgusting, just leaving at that,
because again we're trying to be honest while also maintaining
I really respect and enjoy this person. I really love
(21:57):
this person, and I really respect and love myself. It's
a very different thing to say, you know what, Elijah,
thank you so much for trying to make this meal.
This is your first time making it, so I'm not
going to judge you too Urshley, but to be very
honest with you, it's way too spicy and I probably
don't want to eat any more of it.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Like, in one hand, if I just say, oh, this
is disgusting, I'm being mean and I'm giving criticism even
though I'm being honest, I'm being mean and not preserving
the relationship and the love and care between me and
another person. But in the second example, when I say, hey, Elijah,
I know the first time making this Perry spice is
actually not common here in America. I'm not going to
(22:34):
judge you and your cooking skills based on this meal alone,
but I am going to be honest with you and
tell you it's way too spicy. I probably don't want
to eat any more of it.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
Well, it's not even just like because you love me,
but it's also like just I would do the same
thing for anyone if they had to ask me a
question or they came to me looking for advice, I
would give them the respect that I think is do
just because they're a human being.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
But to attach that to something Jazz said and something
you said earlier, Elijah, if the receiver of that information
still gets offended, Jazz, I want you to release that
because I'm not responsible to that because.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
As I'm listening, I'm like, Okay, that's exactly how Eliza's
explaining it. That's how I would usually respond. But now
I'm older and I'm looking back, I'm like, people still
would get offended to how I would present it even
if it was that way. So now I've wanted I'm
still I've silenced myself and I won't see anything. Whatsop,
(23:33):
Stop silencing yourself.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
The conversation doesn't stop here. You'll be right back with
more from this session. Jazz, I'm going to accuse you
of trying to manipulate people, And by the way, I
don't mean that as harshly as it's. What I mean
is if I communicate exactly as we're talking about here
(23:59):
in this conversation, and the outcome is they're still getting offended,
and then I silence myself. What you're doing is you're
allowing they're getting offended to be your feedback to whether
or not you did it right or not, and then
you're silencing yourself. I'm saying that's not the proper feedback.
The proper feedback is did I communicate with this person
(24:21):
in the way that honors that I love and care
for them. If the answer to that is yes, as
Elijah pointed out accurately, they may still get offended, and
sometimes they get offended. So let's imagine that Elijah's mother, Gladys,
is literally the most critical person on the planet to Elijah,
(24:41):
and every meal Elijah has ever made for his mother
his mother criticized beyond belief. And then Elijah, being a
nice guy, cooks a meal for his friend Elliott and
I literally say, this is a really nice first try.
Next time, I make it less spicy. Elijah may experience
that as a offender because of his history with his mom,
(25:03):
having nothing to do with me. So it's not like
I did anything wrong. I just accidentally triggered a history
story in Elijah's head. So I shouldn't silence myself. I
actually didn't do anything wrong. It's just I happen to
trigger an internal thought of Elijah's that has literally nothing
to do with me. I could say, hey, Elijah, this
(25:25):
is a great first attempt. However, next time, a little
less on the spice. But what Elijah heard was this
is just as gross as everything else, because that's the
way his mom talked to him. So Elijah might get offended.
And it ain't because I did anything wrong. It's because
the story that Elijah plays in his head is attached
to these other things. So Jazz, I point that out
(25:46):
to you to say, other people might still be getting offended,
having nothing to do with what you said or the
way you said it, but having everything to do with
their own history, with their own background that is completely
detached from you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (25:58):
It makes perfect sense, however, because what I've seen, and
what I've seen is because you were the one to say, oh,
you know, this scene's a bit of something else, Elijah
is going to more likely take all that frustration out
on you because he's not going to do it to
his mom. So what that's not fair to you?
Speaker 1 (26:23):
But why do I care? Have you ever had anybody
get mad at you? Yes?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
And it's so much so to where because I haven't cared,
they're going to try to do stuff till I care.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Have you ever had anybody get mad at you? And
you know, like if I accidentally step on Elijah's foot
and he just explodes in rage, I will walk away
from that experience and I will know. But that didn't
have everything to do with me. So I can't own
other people's bullshit. I just can't if I will drive
(26:56):
myself crazy.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
What if it's actually affecting everything you're saying. But I'm
also the type like I don't care, but not that
I don't care, but it's like I'm not gonna let
with somebody's day affect me. But because people will see that,
they're like, oh no, you're gonna feel this iz all right,
let me show you how you can feel this. It's
kind of a back and forth thing that.
Speaker 5 (27:18):
Gets to be petty and that's not what you want.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
I'm not even trying to be petty. I'm just like,
I didn't do anything.
Speaker 4 (27:25):
But then my thing is that then you gotta Then
you got to this side where the mark lies with
what line you're willing to cross or allowing others to cross.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
At that point, can.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
I say something to James real quick, Jazz, I don't
believe you when you say I don't care what.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
Other people think, because she is that socting.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Two competing things can't simultaneously be true. So I can't
say I don't care what other people think and it
bothers me when they're offended and I silenced myself as
a response to their offense, one of those two things
can't be true. And I am actually saying to you, Jazz,
I want you to communicate your honest, compassionate truth and
(28:03):
then release the response to them. How you respond is
about you, and I release that response to you. That's
actually the healthiest thing. I think you're owning a little
bit of their response, which is why you silence yourself
when they get offended. And I'm saying don't do that.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
I'm confused, honestly, because I'm like, I truly maybe it's
like I don't know. Maybe my family members I do
care about what they think or whatever the case may be.
But I'm even thinking of a specific situation I was
in where I was offended one of my sister's friends.
She really was invested in me. I assume she thought
(28:45):
I was like an older sister of hers, but I
didn't view her in this. I didn't look at her
as my little sister. So because it wasn't reciprocated, called
the police on me, literally, non provoked. So my thing is, damn,
I didn't care for a relationship that she was looking
for because I didn't get backfired on me, and I
(29:08):
went through a bunch of traumatic things for somebody I
didn't even really care for. So I'm like, and that
happens a lot. That's just one example, and I think
that happens a lot, even within relationships.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
You're right, it happens. But think about what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Excuse and it's like, I how come I'm getting these
results for people I don't care about, But then when
people I do care about.
Speaker 3 (29:30):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
It's weird. I'm oversensitive.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
I feel right, That's exactly what I'm saying. I can say, Hey,
I went over your house, you call the police unprovoked.
I'm not coming to your house anymore, you know what
I mean?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Like, she lived with me, so it was like you
kick her ass out.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
You don't like like, I don't have to keep exposed, Jazz.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
It is.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
It is an unusual thing to experience a pain point,
a problem, a situation, expose myself further to that problem,
and then be like, why does this keep happening? Because
you continue to expose yourself to the problem. It's not
your pattern, it's someone else's.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
This is so confusing to me.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
We just have a couple of minutes, so I just
want to make sure that I really kind of make
this clear, because Jazz, it's so funny. You're such an
easy person to respect.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
I'm having trouble believing that.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Probably do not believe that.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
I mean, like from other people.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
You're an easy person for me to respect, And I
want to tell you why. There's just one thing I
want you to do differently. I hope that the theme
of this conversation, which is communicate with honesty and compassion
is really something you guys can take on board, because
I think that's important. But like there's just one massive thing,
like in a pragmatic way, if we are to implement this,
(30:51):
and particularly you, Jazz, it would make a big difference.
And I'm going to give an example, and I know
we just have a couple of minutes and then I'm
gonna have to go. But let's say, Jazz, that you
and I are roommates, okay, And every single time I
come home. I go to work every day, and every
day about five o'clock I come home and every single
(31:12):
day you shoot me in the face with a dark gun.
You guys remember those old dart guns with a little
sticker on the end, like little suction cup boom. Every
single day I come home, Jazz runs up to me
and she shoots me in the forehead with the little
dart boom. Every day and every day I tell her
stop doing that. I hate it, and every single day
(31:34):
she ignores my request and she does it bam bam.
Every day doesn't matter, like clockwork. If I come in
the house, she will hit me in the forehead with
her dark gun. Now here's where Jazz is making the
mistake and most people make this mistake. We start thinking
what am I doing wrong? So this person is doing this,
(31:56):
and then we try to get them to stop. Hey,
I really don't like that you do that. Can you
please stop? I've had a really long day at work
and the last thing I want when I come home
is be hit with a little suction cup thing in
my forehead. And then Jazz keeps doing it, and then
we start thinking, how come they're not respecting me? Why
are they not respecting my wishes? I'm being very clear,
(32:16):
I'm asking them nicely. I'm not doing anything to deserve this.
Why are they not making the change that I'm requesting?
And we feel disrespected. That leads us to feeling hurt.
That leads us to feeling undervalued. But Jazz, what I'm
asking you to do is change the original question. The
original question isn't what am I doing to deserve this?
(32:40):
Or why aren't they listening? The original question is this
is about them? So I can do twe of two
things I can say, well, actually, technically I do one
of three things. I can say Jazz is shooting me
with this dart and I don't like it, So I
can either move out, she can move out, or I
(33:05):
can continue to remember that this is about her, not me.
But the beautiful thing is all three of these things
preserve my well being. But the moment I start thinking,
how do I get them to stop while they're not stopping,
so they're not respecting me and they don't respect me,
to not feel hurt once you go down that path,
that is an unwinnable game. It was right if I
(33:27):
accept this is what Jazz does, she's gonna shoot me
at the dart every day. I can say I don't
like to live here because this is her behavior, or
I can say I don't want her living here because
there's her behavior. Or I can say I now just
understand this is about her, so I will not take
it personally. What I would say, Jazz is you are
trying to affect other people's behavior, and when they don't change,
(33:49):
you feel disrespected and understandably so well, what I want
you to do is to say their behavior is about them.
I can remove myself. I can remove them, or I cannot.
I think it personally because I understand it is not
about me. That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I have that done those other ones, but that last one,
all right.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
That makes sense, absolutely perfect have I just I've said
that to you.
Speaker 5 (34:15):
That's not your shit.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
It just isn't about me, So I'm going to let
it go.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
It is easier said than done, but once it starts
getting done, it does get easy.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
I wish I knew this a few months ago.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
But Yeah, today's conversation is really about honesty paired with compassion.
It's about whether understanding the history of our family's trauma
helps us stop taking everything personally. It's about what transparency
actually looks like when the stakes are high, when feelings
are involved, when anxiety shows up, and when old patterns
(34:56):
get activated, whereas everyone says, these days triggered. As we
come to the end of this session, we heard how
unspoken histories, unresolved trauma, and personal narratives can influence how
we react, how we interpret words, and how easily we
feel hurt or misunderstood. We also heard how anxiety often
(35:16):
shows up not because we don't know what to say,
but because we are unsure how our truth will be received.
What this conversation reminds us of is that healing does
not come from controlling other people's reactions. It comes from
being clear with ourselves. Did I communicate in a way
that aligns with who I want to be. When we
(35:39):
speak honestly with care, we release ourselves from caring responsibility
for responses shaped by someone else's past. For those listening,
especially if you're navigating anxiety, family tension, or difficult conversations,
remember that there is no single tool that works for everyone.
(36:00):
Is personal. Communication is personal. Healing is personal. I want
to connect to this conversation to the bigger picture of
family therapy because this isn't a one off issue. This
is the work. What you heard today is what boundary
setting actually sounds like in real life. Not ultimatums, not
(36:23):
cutting people off in silence, but learning to say I
can be honest, compassionate and still choose who and what
I allow access to. I cannot stress this enough. Boundaries
are not about controlling other people's behaviors. That's manipulation. Boundaries.
(36:43):
Healthy boundaries are about deciding what you will do when
that behavior doesn't change what you will do. This series
is about helping families see each other more clearly without
taking not emotional weight that doesn't belong to them. If
any part of this conversation resonated within you, take a
(37:05):
moment and sit with these questions, because the questions that
we ask ourselves inspire the answers for tomorrow's outcome. Am
I being honest in a way that still reflects the
person I want to be? Am I speaking my truth?
(37:25):
Or am I silencing myself to manage someone else's reaction?
What reactions? Am I taking responsibility for that actually belonged
to someone else's history? If love is present, what does
(37:47):
healthy love require from me right now? What boundary would
reduce my anxiety not increase my guilt? If I knew
this reaction wasn't about me, how differently would I respond?
(38:11):
The shift that we are aiming for isn't about changing
the other person. It's about changing the way we carry
ourselves through the difficult conversations with others and sometimes with
our senters. I would love to hear from you about
your healing journey, your family, and your feedback, Leave a review,
(38:33):
send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott's Peaks,
and you can also send me a text message to
nine seven two four two six two six four zero.
Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black
Effect Podcast Network. Special Thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.
It's produced by Jack Queise Thomas and the executive producer
Dolly S. S Fisher. For more podcasts from The Black Effect,
(38:56):
visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast
serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not
be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health
guidance and does not constitute a provider of patient relationship.
It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or
health team for any specific concern or questions you may
(39:18):
have
I'm Elliot Conyon and this is Family Theory. Welcome back.
Today's conversation brings together Jasmine, Elijah, and Gladys. This conversation
is not about fixing anyone, blaming anyone, or deciding who's
right and who's wrong. It's about how families talk to
(00:24):
one another when they actually want to understand. At the
heart of this season is a powerful question what happens
when we choose to communicate with honesty and compassion at
the same time. Not honesty that wounds and not compassion
that silences, but a balance that allows truth to be
(00:44):
spoken without erasing care. Early on in this session, Eliza
says something that really stopped me in my tracks. He
said he had to question what love truly is and
the value that it brings. And a small thing to say,
especially around your family, because most of us are taught
(01:06):
that love is enough, that love should smooth things over,
that love means we excuse behavior, tolerate disrespect, or silence
ourselves for the sake of keeping peace. But Elijah is
asking a deeper question. If love exists, why does it
feel confusing? Why does it sometimes mislead us? And how
(01:28):
do we stay honest without becoming cruel or quiet. Today's
conversation is really about honesty paired with compassion, about whether
understanding the history of our family's trauma helps us to
stop taking everything personally. And it's about what transparency actually
looks like when the stakes are high, when feelings are involved,
(01:52):
when anxiety shows up, and when old patterns get activated.
Or as everyone these days say, but this isn't a
conversation about saying whatever comes to mind. It's about learning
how to speak your truth without abandoning yourself or attacking
the people you love. Let's listen. What has been better
(02:16):
since we've last had a chance to chat.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
I'll say things have been different. It hasn't been worse,
which is good, But things have.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Been different in what way?
Speaker 2 (02:26):
When I started this, I planned on learning with the
relationships I choose moving forward. Over the last few weeks, literally,
it feels like my siblings that I've been trying to
not in a sense let go, but just set my boundaries.
So what have you? It seems like they've been like
(02:49):
a force needing me more. I've had to step up
and step in more recently, which I was trying to
learn to step away from. So my brother ended up
having a diabetic coma. I believe it's called just about
a week and a half ago. So that's been extremely stressful,
(03:11):
you know, so just stepping into the position of being
the eldest sibling and having to even see him in
the state he was having to deal with my younger
siblings and or they're all right and things of that nature.
Make sure my mom and my nephew are okay. So
it was different because I wasn't as stressed realizing I'm
(03:34):
able to step out without being anxious about it.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Are you're pleased about that difference? Yes, excellent, And by
the way, sorry to hear about your brother.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
He's doing a lot better.
Speaker 1 (03:45):
Now, what about Gladys and Elijah? What's been better in
your lives?
Speaker 3 (03:49):
So I've tried cooking more.
Speaker 4 (03:51):
I've actually have cooked a few more recipes, and I've
been trying to get more outside outside of actually just
went on a big adventure today to you know, up my.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
Photography game, and trying to write more.
Speaker 4 (04:08):
When it comes to like poetry and my other works,
I think a decent match change. I've had some talks
with other members of my family, including this one.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
I've been trying to call more nice.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
All right, congranilations end badus. What about you? What's been better?
Speaker 5 (04:25):
My health? I'm super excited I get to go back
to work.
Speaker 6 (04:30):
I had surgery in February and the surgery went bad.
I ended up getting a huge infection and went septic,
so I had to be in the hospital for about nineties.
So I'm happy because I get to go back to
work next week and my body is getting better.
Speaker 5 (04:50):
I feel a lot better.
Speaker 6 (04:52):
I'm excited about Elijah going to his new job in
the summertime. I'm excited about Jazz coming down to move
to Georgia. So I'm super super super excited about everything.
Speaker 5 (05:07):
I feel pretty good about.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Life.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
Excellent. So what outcome do you guys want to achieve
from talking today?
Speaker 5 (05:16):
Elijah?
Speaker 4 (05:20):
I think clarity of how we interact with each other,
our dynamics and for instance, is why we might act
in certain ways. Because I think that if we know how,
like who our biggest influences are, I think that would
clear things up of how we act as well.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
What do you if you have that kind of clarity, Elijah,
what difference do you hope it makes for you?
Speaker 4 (05:51):
I guess knowledge of the other person would make it
better to understand, like, Okay, why do you act this
way henceforth? Is there a way that I can move
accordingly with that information? Or is there a way that
I could grow from it despite knowing what I know?
Or if I can't change anything, is there anywhere I
can grow despite it?
Speaker 1 (06:12):
And what do you hope that does to your ability
to communicate with the other one that you're communicating.
Speaker 3 (06:18):
With allows some more honesty and straightforwardness, So.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
If today's topic led to more honesty and straightforwardness between
you and other family members, you'd be pleased? Yes? Perfect? Okay,
Jazz or Gladys. What are you hoping to get out
of our conversation? Toom?
Speaker 5 (06:36):
I love honesty and straightforwardness?
Speaker 6 (06:39):
I feel like what I would get out of it
is to be able to hear more of Elijah's voice.
I feel like Jazz could be able to say more
because you know her being the younger sister on this
side of her siblings.
Speaker 5 (06:55):
Like you know, I always feel like.
Speaker 6 (06:56):
I aim to be as trans parent as possible, even
in difficult times, because I know it's better than not
speaking of things.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
So I.
Speaker 6 (07:09):
Hope to learn, I guess more, but I from the
very I want to say, since Elijah's been in my life,
like I've always fought for, like speak your truth.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Well when I hear Elijah say that, what I hear
is giving more grace when trying to take yourself out
of feeling like it's personal, and that has worked for me.
It's just harder to do that with people that are
closest to you. It feels like sometimes because sometimes I
(07:42):
feel like I like, I already know you, so I
already know your story. However, that isn't the case. Just
because we've been in the same scenarios, we all have
different experiences. Being able to give that grace and hear
the other person side of things does help me learn
(08:03):
them and discern better. I should say, how.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Do you hope learning them and discerning them would make
a big difference for you?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
It will help me let go and not take it personal,
because even just thinking that, now there's one specific person
I'm thinking about, and it's very hard to let go
of a lot of disrespect and how they've treated me.
I don't know their story at all, even though I've
known them for years. It's an in law, not an
(08:36):
actual family member. But even though I've known them for years,
it's affected my right now life, like the things that
has transpired, I didn't even think to do that with them.
I'm hoping I can use these practics towards that I
guess to let a lot go.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
I'm trying to think the best way I can respond
to them that Well, Okay, is there love between all
of you.
Speaker 5 (09:05):
On the line?
Speaker 1 (09:07):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (09:08):
Absolutely, Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Okay, would you agree there's love between all of you? Yes?
What would you say about the level of love between
all of you there?
Speaker 3 (09:20):
Well, actually, there's the thing.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
I do believe that love exists between most of my
family members. It's just that for me personally, I've had
to question what exactly is love or what is the
value of love?
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Where have you landed? That's an interesting thing to question, Elijah,
Where have you landed?
Speaker 3 (09:39):
It's hard to say.
Speaker 4 (09:40):
It's not that love is necessarily dangerous, but it's something
that can be very misleading, you could say. And then
it's misleading through its warmth or through its appeal, because
we all in the sense want to be loved in
some fashion, my friends, family members, lovers. But then at
(10:02):
the end of the day, that desire to be loved
and shown love can mislead us.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Say more about that, mislead us.
Speaker 4 (10:10):
How for instance, like it's just say that, well, this
is a very I guess you can say extreme case.
But let's just say that you had a family member
who did a crime, and because you love that person,
you automatically think that they could never do that. But
the reality is that you really never know what a
(10:32):
person is capable or until they actually do it. Right,
That's where your loveless leads. It's not innocent until it's it. Yeah,
that's where it's basically it.
Speaker 6 (10:44):
Okay, you know, I want to dive more into the
way that Elijah actually fails because I personally think it
has to do with, you know, the fact of how
he's been raised into different households and looking at love
and seeing the differences in love and how it's represented
either with family to family, or I haven't had the
(11:08):
best relationships like love love relationships, and Elijah has spoken
his truth on that and questioned me about my partners
that I've chosen. So I feel like I need Elijah
to dig a little deeper in that because it's not
so much that the way you see it, I'm not
(11:28):
sure maybe you can answer it to Elijah, if I
taught you that, and if I did that, wasn't my
intention just to you know, just love Well, I.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Think I'd like to take the conversation in a different way,
if that's okay, Okay. I'm really fascinated by something Elijah said,
and I'm really fascinated on how this would impact the family.
So Elijah said, I want to be able in essence,
to be to be honest, to tell my truth. And
(12:02):
I love that. Actually, I think it's really important that
we be authentic selves and we tell our truths. And
I purposely ask how much love exists between all of
you and within all of you. The reason I ask
that is what would happen if all of you started
(12:24):
living in your truth, speaking in your truth in an honest,
transparent way while acknowledging love is present. Now, I'll give
you an example. So Elijah enjoys to cook. One of
my favorite meals is chicken cooked with Perry Perry spice
(12:48):
or Perry Perry sauce. There's a restaurant called Nando's. It's
mostly over here in Europe, and I'm very sad I
have not been to Nando's on this current trip, and
I'm really pissed about it my favorite meal. Let's say Elijah,
being a really nice person and someone who enjoys to cook,
(13:10):
says Elliott, I know that Perry Perry chicken is your
favorite meal. I'm going to cook it for you. And
I go to Elijah's home and he goes to cook this.
I have a lot of respect for Elijah and a
lot of love for myself. Let's say Elijah does his
(13:30):
very best to cook my favorite meal, but he gets
it all wrong and it's very very disgusting. And I
eat Elijah's meal and I think in my head, oh
my gosh, this is very very disgusting. And Elijah says
to me, Elliott, what do you think. Out of respect
(13:54):
for Elijah, I wouldn't say this is the worst meal
I've ever had. Even if that were my truth, I'd
have to communicate with Elijah in a way that honors
my level of respect and love for myself. So Elijah
would say, hey, Ellie, what do you think of the meal?
And I would say it's okay, it's all right now.
(14:17):
That's not me being incongruent. That's not me being insincere.
That's me saying I care a lot about Elijah's feelings
because he's someone I care about. I can tell my
truth while preserving care, and I can tell my truth
while preserving respect for myself because if I were to
(14:38):
say to Elijah, this tastes like shit, which Elijah, by
the way, I would never think you'd produce anything like that,
to be very clear. But if I were to say that,
do you guys notice how that's me being out of
positive character of myself. Right. So it's interesting to hear
(14:58):
Elijah say I want to be able to tell my truth,
and I'm thinking, ooh, of course I love that. I
think it's really important to be honest with yourself and others.
I think it's really important to be genuine and authentic.
But the really important question I have for all of
you is what would happen if you woke up tomorrow?
And the only way I know how to communicate is honesty.
(15:20):
It's almost like while you were in fleet, I snuck
into your bedrooms and I gave you a truth serum shot. Right.
I had this needle and I poked each of you
in the arm, but I gave you truth serum shock.
And what this truth serum shot did was it guaranteed
that you were only able to tell your truth, you
literally can no longer fabricate. But also inside of the serum,
(15:45):
it reminds you that I love the person I'm talking to,
and I need to communicate in a way that honors
that I loved myself too. What would be different in
the way you guys communicated if you knew I'm only
able to tell the truth, but in a way that
honors my love and care for that other person.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
I was gonna say, it feels like I have that
truth sarum shot except for that last part.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
But that's right, Jazz. But that's why I ask it,
because we tend to think, and you know, yell at me.
I think I'm wrong, but we tend to think. If
Elijah makes my favorite chicken and I bite into it,
Perry's sauce can be quite spicy. If I bite into
it and it's really really spicy, and Elijah asks me,
(16:28):
what do I think? We tend to think. Unless I
cuss his ass out, I'm not being real. But the
truth is I can absolutely say to Elijah, it's okay,
I probably don't need it to eat anymore. And that's true,
while also honoring I care about Elijah, I have to
yell at him or cuss him out or tell him
(16:48):
it's really terrible, and what were you thinking? Like, I
don't have to do any of that. I can simply
live in my truth and express my truth while preserving care.
So Jazz, what you just said I think is really important.
Like I have the first part, and most people have
the first part. I'm capable looking at Elijah and be
like this is gross. It's the second part that's really important.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I feel like, especially nowadays, people just want to be offended.
So I feel like that's why I've silenced to myself,
because it's like I'll try to say like because I've learned,
Like even my sister she will tell me growing up
with my other siblings, we joke and speak to each
(17:30):
other harshly, and that has helped me so much. But
now I have to figure out how to say things.
I always feel like I want to be honest because
I don't want to mislead anyone. However, even changing the
way I say whatever the case may be, even like Elijah,
I wasn't into that it was too spicy for me,
(17:52):
I feel like somebody would still get offended.
Speaker 4 (17:53):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
I want to say, Elijah, but I feel like people
would still be offended by that.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
But the reason why I said no in Elijah, I
see you and I'm gonna come to you next. The reason, Jazz,
why I said no because here's the wonderful thing about
honesty and truth. I actually don't care how the other
person responds. So when you're like, I feel like people
want to be offended. If I communicate with and Elijah,
I hope you don't feel like I'm picking on y'all.
(18:19):
I promise you, Eliza, I'm sure anything you cooked would
be delicious? Are you good? If I communicate with Elijah
trying to get a response or not get a response,
that's not actually communication. That's manipulation. If I communicate with
Elijah trying to get a response or trying not to
get a response, communication for the purposes of a specific
(18:41):
response is not communication, it's manipulation. Telling my truth means
I'm gonna tell Elijah what I think of the meal
he'd made for me, and I'm gonna do it with
love and compassion because I care about him. Now, if
Elijah does get offended or doesn't, I'm no longer responsible
for that, you know what I mean, Like, I'm not
(19:03):
communicating with Elijah so he doesn't feel offended or not.
I'm communicated with Elijah because this is my truth and
I want to communicate my truth in the most loving, caring,
honest way. To Jazz's point, Elijah might still get offended,
but that is no longer my responsibility because if I
communicate with Elijah trying to minimize his offense or trying
(19:24):
to get a specific response, that is manipulation. That is
actually not communicating Elijah. You were going to say something.
Speaker 4 (19:32):
I sort of learned this from years of watching anemite.
But when I think that the response that you gave
me was too placid, I think the word is And
for me this is especially because if the person like me,
I like to cook and you tell me that it's okay,
(19:52):
I'm going to take that as I did a decent
job with the meal. However, if you don't, that is
a lack of honesty. There's difference between what you're saying
right now, like saying it's crap. Basically that is allowing
for me to continue my methods and not improve.
Speaker 3 (20:08):
Honestly, I feel like it is. Imagine if you had someone.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
Work really hard on a project, day in day out,
doing their absolute best to succeed in this project, and
in the competition that they're supposed to present it, the judge,
instead of critiquing them to their fullest capability, they pull
back their judgments, and then you're wondering, oh, I don't
know how well I actually do it or what I
(20:32):
could improve on. That is a disservice to that person.
It's also a lack of respect. In my opinion, there's
a difference between meekness and cruelty.
Speaker 3 (20:42):
You have to find the in between.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
And of course, like the only thing you can really
control is what you say and how you react to
another person's response, and that's when if they get offended,
that's on them.
Speaker 3 (20:58):
All you have to know.
Speaker 4 (20:59):
All you have to think about is did I act
in a way that is balanced? Was I acting cool?
Was I acting meek? If not, then it's okay. But yeah,
I if it were me, especially if it were me
and someone else was cooking for me and asked me
how I do and I didn't like it, I'm not
(21:19):
gonna say you need to start over again.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
I'm gonna say needs a lot of work. Here are
the reasons why.
Speaker 4 (21:26):
But this is your first time making the meal, so
I'm not going to critique you too harshly for that.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Elijah. I love it, bro I love it so like
if it's a very different thing, like, Elijah, you got
my like brain bringing, right, It's a very different thing
to say, oh, this is disgusting, just leaving at that,
because again we're trying to be honest while also maintaining
I really respect and enjoy this person. I really love
(21:57):
this person, and I really respect and love myself. It's
a very different thing to say, you know what, Elijah,
thank you so much for trying to make this meal.
This is your first time making it, so I'm not
going to judge you too Urshley, but to be very
honest with you, it's way too spicy and I probably
don't want to eat any more of it.
Speaker 3 (22:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Like, in one hand, if I just say, oh, this
is disgusting, I'm being mean and I'm giving criticism even
though I'm being honest, I'm being mean and not preserving
the relationship and the love and care between me and
another person. But in the second example, when I say, hey, Elijah,
I know the first time making this Perry spice is
actually not common here in America. I'm not going to
(22:34):
judge you and your cooking skills based on this meal alone,
but I am going to be honest with you and
tell you it's way too spicy. I probably don't want
to eat any more of it.
Speaker 4 (22:42):
Well, it's not even just like because you love me,
but it's also like just I would do the same
thing for anyone if they had to ask me a
question or they came to me looking for advice, I
would give them the respect that I think is do
just because they're a human being.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
But to attach that to something Jazz said and something
you said earlier, Elijah, if the receiver of that information
still gets offended, Jazz, I want you to release that
because I'm not responsible to that because.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
As I'm listening, I'm like, Okay, that's exactly how Eliza's
explaining it. That's how I would usually respond. But now
I'm older and I'm looking back, I'm like, people still
would get offended to how I would present it even
if it was that way. So now I've wanted I'm
still I've silenced myself and I won't see anything. Whatsop,
(23:33):
Stop silencing yourself.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
The conversation doesn't stop here. You'll be right back with
more from this session. Jazz, I'm going to accuse you
of trying to manipulate people, And by the way, I
don't mean that as harshly as it's. What I mean
is if I communicate exactly as we're talking about here
(23:59):
in this conversation, and the outcome is they're still getting offended,
and then I silence myself. What you're doing is you're
allowing they're getting offended to be your feedback to whether
or not you did it right or not, and then
you're silencing yourself. I'm saying that's not the proper feedback.
The proper feedback is did I communicate with this person
(24:21):
in the way that honors that I love and care
for them. If the answer to that is yes, as
Elijah pointed out accurately, they may still get offended, and
sometimes they get offended. So let's imagine that Elijah's mother, Gladys,
is literally the most critical person on the planet to Elijah,
(24:41):
and every meal Elijah has ever made for his mother
his mother criticized beyond belief. And then Elijah, being a
nice guy, cooks a meal for his friend Elliott and
I literally say, this is a really nice first try.
Next time, I make it less spicy. Elijah may experience
that as a offender because of his history with his mom,
(25:03):
having nothing to do with me. So it's not like
I did anything wrong. I just accidentally triggered a history
story in Elijah's head. So I shouldn't silence myself. I
actually didn't do anything wrong. It's just I happen to
trigger an internal thought of Elijah's that has literally nothing
to do with me. I could say, hey, Elijah, this
(25:25):
is a great first attempt. However, next time, a little
less on the spice. But what Elijah heard was this
is just as gross as everything else, because that's the
way his mom talked to him. So Elijah might get offended.
And it ain't because I did anything wrong. It's because
the story that Elijah plays in his head is attached
to these other things. So Jazz, I point that out
(25:46):
to you to say, other people might still be getting offended,
having nothing to do with what you said or the
way you said it, but having everything to do with
their own history, with their own background that is completely
detached from you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2 (25:58):
It makes perfect sense, however, because what I've seen, and
what I've seen is because you were the one to say, oh,
you know, this scene's a bit of something else, Elijah
is going to more likely take all that frustration out
on you because he's not going to do it to
his mom. So what that's not fair to you?
Speaker 1 (26:23):
But why do I care? Have you ever had anybody
get mad at you? Yes?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
And it's so much so to where because I haven't cared,
they're going to try to do stuff till I care.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
Have you ever had anybody get mad at you? And
you know, like if I accidentally step on Elijah's foot
and he just explodes in rage, I will walk away
from that experience and I will know. But that didn't
have everything to do with me. So I can't own
other people's bullshit. I just can't if I will drive
(26:56):
myself crazy.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
What if it's actually affecting everything you're saying. But I'm
also the type like I don't care, but not that
I don't care, but it's like I'm not gonna let
with somebody's day affect me. But because people will see that,
they're like, oh no, you're gonna feel this iz all right,
let me show you how you can feel this. It's
kind of a back and forth thing that.
Speaker 5 (27:18):
Gets to be petty and that's not what you want.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
I'm not even trying to be petty. I'm just like,
I didn't do anything.
Speaker 4 (27:25):
But then my thing is that then you gotta Then
you got to this side where the mark lies with
what line you're willing to cross or allowing others to cross.
Speaker 3 (27:33):
At that point, can.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
I say something to James real quick, Jazz, I don't
believe you when you say I don't care what.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
Other people think, because she is that socting.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Two competing things can't simultaneously be true. So I can't
say I don't care what other people think and it
bothers me when they're offended and I silenced myself as
a response to their offense, one of those two things
can't be true. And I am actually saying to you, Jazz,
I want you to communicate your honest, compassionate truth and
(28:03):
then release the response to them. How you respond is
about you, and I release that response to you. That's
actually the healthiest thing. I think you're owning a little
bit of their response, which is why you silence yourself
when they get offended. And I'm saying don't do that.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
I'm confused, honestly, because I'm like, I truly maybe it's
like I don't know. Maybe my family members I do
care about what they think or whatever the case may be.
But I'm even thinking of a specific situation I was
in where I was offended one of my sister's friends.
She really was invested in me. I assume she thought
(28:45):
I was like an older sister of hers, but I
didn't view her in this. I didn't look at her
as my little sister. So because it wasn't reciprocated, called
the police on me, literally, non provoked. So my thing is, damn,
I didn't care for a relationship that she was looking
for because I didn't get backfired on me, and I
(29:08):
went through a bunch of traumatic things for somebody I
didn't even really care for. So I'm like, and that
happens a lot. That's just one example, and I think
that happens a lot, even within relationships.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
You're right, it happens. But think about what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
Excuse and it's like, I how come I'm getting these
results for people I don't care about, But then when
people I do care about.
Speaker 3 (29:30):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
It's weird. I'm oversensitive.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
I feel right, That's exactly what I'm saying. I can say, Hey,
I went over your house, you call the police unprovoked.
I'm not coming to your house anymore, you know what
I mean?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Like, she lived with me, so it was like you
kick her ass out.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
You don't like like, I don't have to keep exposed, Jazz.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
It is.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
It is an unusual thing to experience a pain point,
a problem, a situation, expose myself further to that problem,
and then be like, why does this keep happening? Because
you continue to expose yourself to the problem. It's not
your pattern, it's someone else's.
Speaker 2 (30:13):
This is so confusing to me.
Speaker 1 (30:14):
We just have a couple of minutes, so I just
want to make sure that I really kind of make
this clear, because Jazz, it's so funny. You're such an
easy person to respect.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
I'm having trouble believing that.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Probably do not believe that.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
I mean, like from other people.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
You're an easy person for me to respect, And I
want to tell you why. There's just one thing I
want you to do differently. I hope that the theme
of this conversation, which is communicate with honesty and compassion
is really something you guys can take on board, because
I think that's important. But like there's just one massive thing,
like in a pragmatic way, if we are to implement this,
(30:51):
and particularly you, Jazz, it would make a big difference.
And I'm going to give an example, and I know
we just have a couple of minutes and then I'm
gonna have to go. But let's say, Jazz, that you
and I are roommates, okay, And every single time I
come home. I go to work every day, and every
day about five o'clock I come home and every single
(31:12):
day you shoot me in the face with a dark gun.
You guys remember those old dart guns with a little
sticker on the end, like little suction cup boom. Every
single day I come home, Jazz runs up to me
and she shoots me in the forehead with the little
dart boom. Every day and every day I tell her
stop doing that. I hate it, and every single day
(31:34):
she ignores my request and she does it bam bam.
Every day doesn't matter, like clockwork. If I come in
the house, she will hit me in the forehead with
her dark gun. Now here's where Jazz is making the
mistake and most people make this mistake. We start thinking
what am I doing wrong? So this person is doing this,
(31:56):
and then we try to get them to stop. Hey,
I really don't like that you do that. Can you
please stop? I've had a really long day at work
and the last thing I want when I come home
is be hit with a little suction cup thing in
my forehead. And then Jazz keeps doing it, and then
we start thinking, how come they're not respecting me? Why
are they not respecting my wishes? I'm being very clear,
(32:16):
I'm asking them nicely. I'm not doing anything to deserve this.
Why are they not making the change that I'm requesting?
And we feel disrespected. That leads us to feeling hurt.
That leads us to feeling undervalued. But Jazz, what I'm
asking you to do is change the original question. The
original question isn't what am I doing to deserve this?
(32:40):
Or why aren't they listening? The original question is this
is about them? So I can do twe of two
things I can say, well, actually, technically I do one
of three things. I can say Jazz is shooting me
with this dart and I don't like it, So I
can either move out, she can move out, or I
(33:05):
can continue to remember that this is about her, not me.
But the beautiful thing is all three of these things
preserve my well being. But the moment I start thinking,
how do I get them to stop while they're not stopping,
so they're not respecting me and they don't respect me,
to not feel hurt once you go down that path,
that is an unwinnable game. It was right if I
(33:27):
accept this is what Jazz does, she's gonna shoot me
at the dart every day. I can say I don't
like to live here because this is her behavior, or
I can say I don't want her living here because
there's her behavior. Or I can say I now just
understand this is about her, so I will not take
it personally. What I would say, Jazz is you are
trying to affect other people's behavior, and when they don't change,
(33:49):
you feel disrespected and understandably so well, what I want
you to do is to say their behavior is about them.
I can remove myself. I can remove them, or I cannot.
I think it personally because I understand it is not
about me. That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
I have that done those other ones, but that last one,
all right.
Speaker 1 (34:10):
That makes sense, absolutely perfect have I just I've said
that to you.
Speaker 5 (34:15):
That's not your shit.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
It just isn't about me, So I'm going to let
it go.
Speaker 2 (34:24):
It is easier said than done, but once it starts
getting done, it does get easy.
Speaker 1 (34:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
I wish I knew this a few months ago.
Speaker 1 (34:33):
But Yeah, today's conversation is really about honesty paired with compassion.
It's about whether understanding the history of our family's trauma
helps us stop taking everything personally. It's about what transparency
actually looks like when the stakes are high, when feelings
are involved, when anxiety shows up, and when old patterns
(34:56):
get activated, whereas everyone says, these days triggered. As we
come to the end of this session, we heard how
unspoken histories, unresolved trauma, and personal narratives can influence how
we react, how we interpret words, and how easily we
feel hurt or misunderstood. We also heard how anxiety often
(35:16):
shows up not because we don't know what to say,
but because we are unsure how our truth will be received.
What this conversation reminds us of is that healing does
not come from controlling other people's reactions. It comes from
being clear with ourselves. Did I communicate in a way
that aligns with who I want to be. When we
(35:39):
speak honestly with care, we release ourselves from caring responsibility
for responses shaped by someone else's past. For those listening,
especially if you're navigating anxiety, family tension, or difficult conversations,
remember that there is no single tool that works for everyone.
(36:00):
Is personal. Communication is personal. Healing is personal. I want
to connect to this conversation to the bigger picture of
family therapy because this isn't a one off issue. This
is the work. What you heard today is what boundary
setting actually sounds like in real life. Not ultimatums, not
(36:23):
cutting people off in silence, but learning to say I
can be honest, compassionate and still choose who and what
I allow access to. I cannot stress this enough. Boundaries
are not about controlling other people's behaviors. That's manipulation. Boundaries.
(36:43):
Healthy boundaries are about deciding what you will do when
that behavior doesn't change what you will do. This series
is about helping families see each other more clearly without
taking not emotional weight that doesn't belong to them. If
any part of this conversation resonated within you, take a
(37:05):
moment and sit with these questions, because the questions that
we ask ourselves inspire the answers for tomorrow's outcome. Am
I being honest in a way that still reflects the
person I want to be? Am I speaking my truth?
(37:25):
Or am I silencing myself to manage someone else's reaction?
What reactions? Am I taking responsibility for that actually belonged
to someone else's history? If love is present, what does
(37:47):
healthy love require from me right now? What boundary would
reduce my anxiety not increase my guilt? If I knew
this reaction wasn't about me, how differently would I respond?
(38:11):
The shift that we are aiming for isn't about changing
the other person. It's about changing the way we carry
ourselves through the difficult conversations with others and sometimes with
our senters. I would love to hear from you about
your healing journey, your family, and your feedback, Leave a review,
(38:33):
send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott's Peaks,
and you can also send me a text message to
nine seven two four two six two six four zero.
Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black
Effect Podcast Network. Special Thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.
It's produced by Jack Queise Thomas and the executive producer
Dolly S. S Fisher. For more podcasts from The Black Effect,
(38:56):
visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast
serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not
be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health
guidance and does not constitute a provider of patient relationship.
It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or
health team for any specific concern or questions you may
(39:18):
have
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