February 5, 2026 • 33 mins
In this session, Elijah shares his experiences after returning home and navigating the dynamics at home. The conversation explores challenges like anxiety in family interactions, the importance of honesty, and the quest for self-expression through writing and cooking. Elijah discusses how setting boundaries and being assertive without anger can lead to personal growth and a sense of stability. The session highlights the difference between acting out of expectation versus personal choice, urging listeners to prioritize their mental health and authentic selves.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Elliott Connie, and this is family Therapy. In today's session,
you're going to hear from Elijah, who's just come back
from spending the summer away working at a camp, and
what he's realizing is that coming back isn't just about
unpacking bags, it's about unpacking old dynamics. Early in the conversation,
(00:24):
Eliza stated, I want to reconnect with the things we
talked about before, family, anger, and continuing to do the
things I love without losing myself. As you listen, you'll
hear themes that show up for a lot of people
feeling anxious around family, struggling to be honest without creating conflict,
(00:44):
and learning that being agreeable can sometimes come at the
cost of your own mental health. You'll also hear him
talk about cooking and writing and not just as hobbies
who pass the time, but as therapy, as places where
he feels calm, grounded, and more like himself. And you'll
hear how boundaries or the lack of them, begin to
(01:08):
affect everything from family relationships, to work situations to a
sense of adulthood. This session is really about learning how
to be assertive without being angry, how to hold your
ground without shutting down, and how to step into the
next version of yourself without asking for permission, finding what
(01:29):
feels right for you and making space for it. As
you listen, notice where you might recognize yourself in this conversation.
Notice what comes up for you when the topic of boundaries, honesty,
and individuality enters the room. So what are your from
talking with me today?
Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm mostly just reconnecting with stuff that we had talked
about before. But then I remember you were encouraging me
to continue doing the things that I like to do,
the things that give me like passion, the things I'm
passionate about, and finding ways to adapt so I can
(02:09):
continue do those things without losing them.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Right, So what are the things that you love doing
that you think you need to continue doing?
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Writing and cooking?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Okay, what difference do you think it would make for you, Eliza,
to be able to continue cooking and writing and those things.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I would feel a lot healthier. I think that writing
itself is my own form of therapy. So I think
is I gained a lot. I gained like five to
seven pounds when I was at the camp because I
was constantly eating, and honestly, when I just got back here.
I lost practically all of that because I'm not eating
as much anymore, and it's like just do how things
(02:50):
are over here? And I want that to like, you know, Okay, what.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Are the differences do you think you'll notice when you're
cooking and writing?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I think I'm being more truthful and honest. Like I'm
writing in itself is its own form of reflection. And
though no one's really stopping me from writing, it's also
like more of my I'm stopping myself. No, I'm stopping
myself from writing because I'm not taking the necessary steps
in order to like actually get out there and put
(03:23):
more energy into things that are like healthy for me
instead of just you know, sitting at home and watching
TV or doing nothing in particular.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
And what do you want to see different in your
relationship with your family now that you're home.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
I think respect, But honestly, if I expect if I
want respect from my family, I honestly need to like
look within myself and start making certain changes in order
to have that respect.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
What changes do you think you need to make in
order for you to be able to have that respect?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Honesty, a responsibility, doing things that are necessary instead of easy.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Can you give me an example of you being more honest?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
I think I have a lot of issues of conflicts
with my stepmom, and she's honestly, like the main reason
why I just don't eat as much because she I
think I said this before, but I have to go
over to her place to eat in order to make
something to eat. And honestly, just like she makes me
(04:38):
uncomfortable because she can be demanding at times, bit controlling,
and oftentimes I just I don't like being around her
in those situations, Like it's fine for me, it's not fine,
but I can deal with it. If it's about school,
I can deal. If it's about social like me not
(04:59):
going out enough, I could deal with it. If it's
about me not spending money in the way she likes,
I can do. I can deal with it in all
those ways. But if it's about cooking, then it's just
like it's a big issue for me, and it's like
and then like I just stay at home and I
don't eat and I just loose way.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
You COOKA what is it about cooking that makes it
such a big deal with your stumball, I.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Guess cooking like it's like I really like to relax
when I'm cooking, Like it's more of like cooking is
like very it's not only therapeutic, it's like very much
like a plate for me. Because when I'm cooking and
I find something interesting to make and I'm testing it
out and I see your results and I'm excited by results,
(05:44):
like it, it's something that I genuinely enjoy. But if
someone is in that environment and they're like saying, oh,
you have to be out by a certain time, or
I'm using too much materials, or that I bought too much,
it generally just like and that or I like I
have to be out by a certain time, Like it
(06:04):
just makes me like really uncomfortable, and I don't want
to be around you, because that's the case. Thank you,
my step mom. I think honesty and also like just
also not just honestly, but also it's not stubbornness, but
it's also uh intentionality but maybe a bit forcefulness because
(06:26):
if I were honest at times, I say this her
all the time, but I need to be more intentional
with my honesty and say like I don't want to
do this anymore. For instance, I tell her sometimes there
was one point at a time I asked, could I
cook at my place? And they said no, And there's
no kitchen, there's no mini airfire, there's no electric stove
(06:50):
I can purchase. They don't want me that Specifically, my
step mom doesn't want me cooking over there. And she's
saying that the road ten depends because she really wants
me to be independent, because oftentimes she cares so much
about my well being and about my future that it
comes out as like being very demeaning or like oft
(07:15):
or I'm not enough for her standards, and we both
acknowledge that, we both realize that. But it's like I
think at times I just need to put my foot
down and say no, I do not want to cook here.
I do not want to be around you if I
have to do when I do that, and I'll just say,
(07:36):
like yo, like if if it's the choice between like
not eating at home, feeling longer at home, or coming
over here and cooking with you, I rather choose being
at home too, And I'm just saying, like she now
says that I could have an airfire, but she doesn't
(07:58):
want me to, like she wants me to use it
in limited amounts and instead just cook over like I said,
coke over there. I'm just saying, no, I don't want
to do that. I do not want to be around
you when I'm cooking.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
How surprised would she be to hear you say that,
to hear you, to hear you say like, no, I
don't want to do this. I don't enjoy doing this.
I'd rather be at home and miss a meal than
come over here and cook. How surprised would she be
to hear that from out of your mouth.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
I don't think she wouldn't be surprised at all, because
there was at one point where I asked her, like, hey,
I work with kids twenty hours a week, and I
see you probably less than three hours during the week.
Why is it that the kids I work with make
me less annoyed than you do.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
What difference would it make to you for you to
notice yourself being that honest with your stepmom.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I think it's like me. It's me holding my ground
and my ideals, and I think I have yet to
really do that. In other cases, there are points where
I'm not being assertive enough, or I'm being too meek.
I don't like confrontation because I've seen it so many
(09:14):
times in my family's history. I don't like getting angry,
and I'm good at controlling my anger, but it's very
easy for me to come angry. But if I find
the strength to wield my anger in a way that's
more positive, I feel like, then I just took this
(09:38):
next step of my growth as an adult. Basically, gotcha?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
And whatsole to make for you to feel like you're
taking another step in your growth as an adult?
Speaker 2 (09:47):
If I put my foot down and said no, I
don't want to.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
It's either between just being honest and saying if you
said I can get the airfire, I'm getting the air fired,
and once I get that, I'm cooking over there here.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
And would you be pleased with yourself for taking that
step as an adult?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:06):
How would you respond, Like, let's say you got the
air fryer and you were like, look, I'm cooking over
here as much as I want. I'm an adult. I
want to make food in this airfryer and cook for me.
How would you respond if she got angry, like if that,
if that upset her, how would you respond to that?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
I would say, I understand if that's not what you want,
I understand, Like I understand your reasonings for you wanting
me to cook here. You have a perception of independence
that you want from me so that I could take
the necessary steps to walk out of here and be
good on my own and have the life that you
(10:42):
see the potential for me to have. But at the
same time, it's my own path. That's my own path.
I'm going to walk it as I like, and you
can sit here and talk as much as you want,
but when it comes down to it, I'm just going
to do do what I want to do. I'm going
to ignore you because, like I said, I find it
(11:04):
to be sad that I am choosing between not eating
and coming over to I prefer not eating to coming
over here.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
And what you just demonstrated, Elijah is a very mature,
a very adult skill, which is how would be assertive
without being angry? How would it help you to have
that skill?
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I think it would help me a lot. I actually
had a quite a bit of issues with some of
my co workers because there was this girl and I'm
starting to notice, like I don't like to say this,
I feel it's kind of sad, but I have more
issues with girls than I have with guys, and I
have no idea why.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
You're not alone in that.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Again, the more conflicts with women than I do with guys.
And I just like this girl. I could tell that
she's nice, and I said this there. I could tell
that she's a nice person, but she just has things
about her that she does not like handle or has
not dealt with well. And so I'm dealing with the
consequences of those actions. And like, there were times where
(12:19):
she's like being a real jerk to me, like making
snide remarks in front of other people about me in
front of me, being passive aggressive. There was one point
where I locked myself out of the like I taught photography,
so I lost my keys and I thought they were
in the photographer er, but I locked myself out, and
(12:40):
so I had to ask for this woman's keys. And
when I went over there, there was a bunch of issues.
She wasn't waiting for me outside, which makes a bit
of a sense. It was nighttime too. I thought she
was gonna wait for me outside for me to give
the keys. She didn't. There was no lights on the porch,
and I could not find out where the bunk was
until I had to ask other people and go up
(13:00):
onto the porch to look at the sign directly. This
is the girl's side of the camp, and so we're
technically not really supposed to be over there the boys,
but this is a proper like, this is a fine excuse.
And when I literally sat on the porch waiting for
her to come out for like two minutes, she came
out with an attitude, saying that I had to get
(13:21):
off the porch before she can give me the keys.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
How did you address that?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
I didn't. I was so mad, but then I just
walked off because when I'm mad, I shut down like
I because I don't know how to correctly talk about
my anger, and I fear that I'm going to like
lose control and say something that I'm going to regret.
(13:46):
The need to put my own thoughts and feelings above
other people, because oftentimes I'll try to prioritize other people's
feelings over my own, and a lot of people please,
but it's just I know what it's like to be hurt,
so I don't necessarily I don't like being the one
(14:08):
tart of the people. But at the same time, I
don't need to. If I don't need to, what's it
called if I'm if I'm hurting, if I'm allowing, if
I'm doing that at the expense of my own mental health,
that's to me. I've found that to be unacceptable at
this point.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yeah, no, you could definitely not be sacrificing your own
mental health. So how would you rather handle some poises
like that so that you're being honest with yourself and
not sacrificing your mental health?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I think being stern at points, like like being able
to cut people off. There's this other girl that I'm
trying not to be that guy, but like, I have
a lot of insists where like I like really value
like women, Like some of my strongest relationships are women,
but at the same time, the most hurtful ones are
(15:01):
also with Women's all right, so what do we do
with that? I think part of the issue is that
I just let things slide too much. I can be
all these things like kind, supportive, affectionate, but there is
a point where I just have to be no, this
(15:22):
is how it's going to go, and not it's going
to go with you, but it's going to go with me.
I have to be able to have some sense of
power within the dynamic. Within the dynamic, like an unchanging
amount of power because I'm there are instances where I'm
arguing with a girl or a woman and she is
(15:47):
cutting me off or being rude. At that point, I
could just say, and this is with guys and girls,
but this is like, this is just how I am.
I just say, no, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm
not doing this anymore, and just walk away.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
How would that help you to learn?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I think it would just helped me in a lot
of instances because it would just make it so that,
like in any instance, male or female, that I am
not I am sacrificing something that I need for someone else.
I am not doing that anymore.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
The conversation doesn't stop here. You will be right back
with more from this session. Here's more from my session
with Elijah. What do you think it is about your
dynamic with women that produces some conflict.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I think one of the things is that I hide
my emotions out of fear of rejection, especially in terms
of authority, out of fear of rejection, at a fear
of punishment, at a fear of basically, like what's it called,
I shut down. I don't talk about my emotions or thoughts,
(17:11):
and that creates a push and pull dynamic that is
frustrating to both sides. So that's my issue that I
put into the dynamic. And then at the same time,
I don't put my foot down when it needs to
be done. So yeah, I think those are the two
(17:35):
main issues. I think that in a lot of instances,
issues where I had with women are specifically because I'm
not talking enough. I'm not talking enough and I am
not drawing that line too. And what I mean by talking,
(17:55):
I don't also just mean like hey, I also mean
listening and processing, because there are times where I'm so
angry that I can't hear what the other person is saying,
and that I become a rational and in a situation
where like a push and pull dynamic, that that's not
good for anyone. So yeah, I think being more honest
(18:22):
and open with the person I'm around, as well as
knowing when to like have those boundaries is what's important
what I need to do.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Where do you think you picked up the habit of
being quiet, being afraid of rejection, having that fear, Like,
where do you think that came from?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
I think it just came from being around people were
like angry and just left and just slammed the door
in my face like people telling me, like and oftentimes
like people telling or showing me that that I'm not
enough or that there's something wrong with me, or that
(19:10):
there is something that I need to fix, or showing
their anger towards me made me want to avoid it.
And at the same time, I just realized that's not
Before I would say I don't care what people think
to me, or or I think certain things are stupid
(19:31):
or that they're illogical. I would try to downplay the
what's it called, I would try to downplay everything in
order to keep myself safe. But then I realized how
faulty that was, and so now I'm just thinking about
it and said so instead of downplaying it, instead of
(19:51):
saying I don't care, My my mentality is why should
I be concerned? Different because it's a bit of me
for me. Why should I be concerned? Is me being
open to the possibility of, like, oh, my mind being changed.
(20:12):
Saying I don't care is automatically shitting it down by
saying why that is begging the question. And if I
personally like the answer, then okay, I'm open to it.
But if not, then I have every right to not
give that person my time or energy or give that
idea my time or energy.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Do you think anybody other than your stepmom are going
to notice this kind of more honest and more truthful
and more communicative version of you.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Not really, I'm mostly a pretty quiet guy. But so
if I like change that to like where I'm more
open and expressive or in other cases just blunt, I
think a lot of people will just recognize that.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
What do you think that would do to your relationship
with other women?
Speaker 2 (21:00):
I think in other instances, like you know, I've never
really been in a relationship, I don't really have any
concerns about being in a relationship right now. But I
think being able to be open and expressive well at
the same time having being able to draw those clear
lines and boundaries, I think it just gives me the
(21:22):
opportunity to make friends, to walk alongside people as who
I am, despite any chaos that might happen. Because something
that I did learn during the camp that I'm grateful
(21:42):
for is that this phrase is like it's you're like
a You're like a duck. What's it called? Oh no,
you're like a seabird in the ocean, Like heavy waves
around you, but like you're calmly paddling.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
And you want to be like that. Yeah, that's true.
What do you think that would do to your desire
to be in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
I mean, I want to be in a relationship, but
at the same time, I just know that I'm not
ready for that.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Would you be ready if this were to start to change?
Speaker 2 (22:17):
I don't think anyone's necessarily ready to be around people.
But I think the question is whether or not you're
ready and whether not you're confident to take that first step.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Right, do you imagine you'd be confident to take that
first step?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah? I think so.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Would you be pleased by that?
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And you talked about your step mom? But what would
your mom think of this new version of Elijah?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
She would be happier too. She has I think instances
like where we had issues. It's the same thing. I
wasn't open enough, I wasn't honest enough, and I didn't
draw any lines.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, so you being because you being open, you being honest?
You think mom would be happy?
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:08):
How would she show you that?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
But how would she show me that I have no
car alive?
Speaker 1 (23:13):
That's not what I said you to say? Oh, I've
noticed the change in you, and I'm pleased to have
seen it.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I probably think she would just sit it up front
and give me a hug.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Would you consider that a good thing?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Mm hmm okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
How would you let her know that you were pleased
to be getting this hug from her?
Speaker 2 (23:37):
I'd be really good. I feel I would feel really good.
How would you let her go just be I'd probably
just be not nonchalant, but like I wouldn't be super
like joyful. I would just be like thank you and
just give her back time, like give back the embrace.
I would just like to feel at peace knowing that
(23:58):
I have a certain boundary. I think that's more important
to me than anything else.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
How would your mom respond to your boundaries?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
I think in most cases she would respond with respect.
Would you?
Speaker 1 (24:11):
And you started off by saying like, I want to
get respect for my family. Would it feel good to
you to be getting respect from them because you were
being more communicative, to being more honest and giving them boundaries.
Would you be pleased to be getting respect?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
Yeah? I think they do respect me. It's not that
they don't, but it's more of just like I need
to feel strong within my own boundaries because I don't
necessarily know what I feel, but it's that. But for me,
I feel very unsure or unstable within my own mind
(24:51):
when I'm around my family. Henceforth, I think what I'm
looking for is like that stability. Yeah, respect wasn't the
right world.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
You feel unsure around your family?
Speaker 2 (25:06):
What else? I feel unstable around my family? And yeah
in my mind? In my mind like I feel anxious, nervous, confused.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Why I don't feel i'd rather feel around your family.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
There are moments where I feel I should do something
because it's expected of me by other people. But at
the same time, I don't have to do those things.
I don't need to be polite, I don't need to
be kind, I don't need to be what's it called formal.
(25:47):
I can be those things if I want to, but
not because they're expected of me anymore, at least I'm not.
I'm not twelve.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Exactly exactly what different would it make for you? Allows
you to be at peace around your family?
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Not as much chaos in my head?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
What would be there in your head instead of chaos?
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Just stillness? Like I'm acting like myself because that is
how I want to act not because other people expect
me to be a certain way.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Okay, how would and let's say you were doing that,
you were acting like yourself, giving boundaries, being honest, communicating
your truth. And let's say somebody didn't like it. How
would you stick to it because you know it's good
for you?
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I would say what I said before, You don't have
to like it. But why should that concern me?
Speaker 1 (26:45):
How different would that be for you to have that stance, Elija?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
I think it would make me feel actually strong or powerful,
like I my opinions or my ideals within a situation,
Like I actually have some semblance of power in a situation.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Gotcha? And that would be new for you, Right, that
would be different. Elijah? Are you ready to like put
this into action and like practice doing this?
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Because you said something and I think is the most
important thing. I feel like I'm doing it because it's
expected of me, and sometimes it's at the sacrifice of
my mental health.
Speaker 4 (27:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
So if you learn to be your true, authentic self
and let everyone if they get upset, they get upset,
that's like the ultimate of being strong and powerful and
being an adult. Right, you'd agree with that? So, Elijah,
what I want to ask you to do is I
want you to behave like that, like start putting that
(27:49):
into action, and just notice how other people respond, because
they're gonna have a response to it. I don't know
what it'll be, but like your stepmom, your mom, family members, like,
people have a response to it, and I want you
to pay attention to help people respond. And I also
want you to pay attention to how much peace it
gives you to no longer be behaving in a way
(28:13):
to prioritize other people other than yourself. Pay really field
attention to your level of peace.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
I'll do it as many times as it takes for
it to stick.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Awesome, Thank you sir.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, I also still need to get back onto like
writing too, and cooking.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
And cooking in order for us to be happy, we
have to do the things that make us happy and
not do the things that make us unhappy. And for
whatever reason, Elijah, cooking and writing are two things that
really fill you up, so you absolutely have to get
to doing those things.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
When's the next session that we'll have?
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Is it tomorrow or we can meet whenever you want?
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Gotcha? Do you mind if I would like to say
a poem I've been working on about some of this stuff.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
No, I would like to just right. Do you want
to do that in their next session?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I can't wait to hear your poem.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Thank you. Yeah, it'll be fun.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
What this conversation shows us is that boundaries aren't about control,
they're about clarity. Throughout the session, we heard how staying quiet,
avoiding confrontation, and trying to meet expectations didn't actually create peace. Instead,
it created anxiety, confusion, and a feeling of instability, especially
around family and authority figures. One of the most important
(29:38):
differentiations Elijah pointed out was between I don't care versus
why should that concern me? That question opens space for choice.
It allows you to listen, to decide, and to protect
your mental health without shutting yourself down or lashing out.
Being assertive does doesn't mean being aggressive. Being honest doesn't
(30:03):
mean being disrespectful, even though sometimes that's the only way
it's interpreted. Choosing yourself doesn't mean you don't care about others.
It means you're no longer sacrificing your well being to
keep the peace. If you're listening and you recognize that
feeling of chaos in your head when you're around certain people.
This session offers a reminder peace comes from being aligned
(30:27):
with yourself, from communicating clearly, from honoring your limits even
when others don't like them. As you move forward, pay
attention to how it feels when you stop doing things
just because they're expected of you and start doing them
because they're right for you. I will end with a
few questions, as we always do, take a moment, write
(30:49):
them down, return to them at a later time if
need be. Remember the questions we ask ourselves are important.
Where am I avoiding honest to keep things from getting uncomfortable?
What boundaries do I need in order to feel calm
(31:12):
and stable? Am I prioritizing other people's expectations and comforts
over my own mental health? How do I usually respond
(31:34):
to conflict? Do I shut down, explode, disappear? And if so,
has that worked? What would it look like to be
assertive without being angry? If someone does doesn't like my boundaries,
(32:02):
why should that concern me?
Speaker 4 (32:13):
Thanks for listening, See you next week.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a
DM Connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and
you can also send me a text message to nine
seventy two four two six two six four zero. Family
Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect
Podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendell Seppe. It's
(32:53):
produced by jack Quee Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. Fisher.
For more podcasts from the Black Infect visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
(33:14):
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team or any
specific concerns or questions you may have.
I'm Elliott Connie, and this is family Therapy. In today's session,
you're going to hear from Elijah, who's just come back
from spending the summer away working at a camp, and
what he's realizing is that coming back isn't just about
unpacking bags, it's about unpacking old dynamics. Early in the conversation,
(00:24):
Eliza stated, I want to reconnect with the things we
talked about before, family, anger, and continuing to do the
things I love without losing myself. As you listen, you'll
hear themes that show up for a lot of people
feeling anxious around family, struggling to be honest without creating conflict,
(00:44):
and learning that being agreeable can sometimes come at the
cost of your own mental health. You'll also hear him
talk about cooking and writing and not just as hobbies
who pass the time, but as therapy, as places where
he feels calm, grounded, and more like himself. And you'll
hear how boundaries or the lack of them, begin to
(01:08):
affect everything from family relationships, to work situations to a
sense of adulthood. This session is really about learning how
to be assertive without being angry, how to hold your
ground without shutting down, and how to step into the
next version of yourself without asking for permission, finding what
(01:29):
feels right for you and making space for it. As
you listen, notice where you might recognize yourself in this conversation.
Notice what comes up for you when the topic of boundaries, honesty,
and individuality enters the room. So what are your from
talking with me today?
Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm mostly just reconnecting with stuff that we had talked
about before. But then I remember you were encouraging me
to continue doing the things that I like to do,
the things that give me like passion, the things I'm
passionate about, and finding ways to adapt so I can
(02:09):
continue do those things without losing them.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Right, So what are the things that you love doing
that you think you need to continue doing?
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Writing and cooking?
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Okay, what difference do you think it would make for you, Eliza,
to be able to continue cooking and writing and those things.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
I would feel a lot healthier. I think that writing
itself is my own form of therapy. So I think
is I gained a lot. I gained like five to
seven pounds when I was at the camp because I
was constantly eating, and honestly, when I just got back here.
I lost practically all of that because I'm not eating
as much anymore, and it's like just do how things
(02:50):
are over here? And I want that to like, you know, Okay, what.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Are the differences do you think you'll notice when you're
cooking and writing?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I think I'm being more truthful and honest. Like I'm
writing in itself is its own form of reflection. And
though no one's really stopping me from writing, it's also
like more of my I'm stopping myself. No, I'm stopping
myself from writing because I'm not taking the necessary steps
in order to like actually get out there and put
(03:23):
more energy into things that are like healthy for me
instead of just you know, sitting at home and watching
TV or doing nothing in particular.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
And what do you want to see different in your
relationship with your family now that you're home.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
I think respect, But honestly, if I expect if I
want respect from my family, I honestly need to like
look within myself and start making certain changes in order
to have that respect.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
What changes do you think you need to make in
order for you to be able to have that respect?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Honesty, a responsibility, doing things that are necessary instead of easy.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Can you give me an example of you being more honest?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
I think I have a lot of issues of conflicts
with my stepmom, and she's honestly, like the main reason
why I just don't eat as much because she I
think I said this before, but I have to go
over to her place to eat in order to make
something to eat. And honestly, just like she makes me
(04:38):
uncomfortable because she can be demanding at times, bit controlling,
and oftentimes I just I don't like being around her
in those situations, Like it's fine for me, it's not fine,
but I can deal with it. If it's about school,
I can deal. If it's about social like me not
(04:59):
going out enough, I could deal with it. If it's
about me not spending money in the way she likes,
I can do. I can deal with it in all
those ways. But if it's about cooking, then it's just
like it's a big issue for me, and it's like
and then like I just stay at home and I
don't eat and I just loose way.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
You COOKA what is it about cooking that makes it
such a big deal with your stumball, I.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
Guess cooking like it's like I really like to relax
when I'm cooking, Like it's more of like cooking is
like very it's not only therapeutic, it's like very much
like a plate for me. Because when I'm cooking and
I find something interesting to make and I'm testing it
out and I see your results and I'm excited by results,
(05:44):
like it, it's something that I genuinely enjoy. But if
someone is in that environment and they're like saying, oh,
you have to be out by a certain time, or
I'm using too much materials, or that I bought too much,
it generally just like and that or I like I
have to be out by a certain time, Like it
(06:04):
just makes me like really uncomfortable, and I don't want
to be around you, because that's the case. Thank you,
my step mom. I think honesty and also like just
also not just honestly, but also it's not stubbornness, but
it's also uh intentionality but maybe a bit forcefulness because
(06:26):
if I were honest at times, I say this her
all the time, but I need to be more intentional
with my honesty and say like I don't want to
do this anymore. For instance, I tell her sometimes there
was one point at a time I asked, could I
cook at my place? And they said no, And there's
no kitchen, there's no mini airfire, there's no electric stove
(06:50):
I can purchase. They don't want me that Specifically, my
step mom doesn't want me cooking over there. And she's
saying that the road ten depends because she really wants
me to be independent, because oftentimes she cares so much
about my well being and about my future that it
comes out as like being very demeaning or like oft
(07:15):
or I'm not enough for her standards, and we both
acknowledge that, we both realize that. But it's like I
think at times I just need to put my foot
down and say no, I do not want to cook here.
I do not want to be around you if I
have to do when I do that, and I'll just say,
(07:36):
like yo, like if if it's the choice between like
not eating at home, feeling longer at home, or coming
over here and cooking with you, I rather choose being
at home too, And I'm just saying, like she now
says that I could have an airfire, but she doesn't
(07:58):
want me to, like she wants me to use it
in limited amounts and instead just cook over like I said,
coke over there. I'm just saying, no, I don't want
to do that. I do not want to be around
you when I'm cooking.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
How surprised would she be to hear you say that,
to hear you, to hear you say like, no, I
don't want to do this. I don't enjoy doing this.
I'd rather be at home and miss a meal than
come over here and cook. How surprised would she be
to hear that from out of your mouth.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
I don't think she wouldn't be surprised at all, because
there was at one point where I asked her, like, hey,
I work with kids twenty hours a week, and I
see you probably less than three hours during the week.
Why is it that the kids I work with make
me less annoyed than you do.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
What difference would it make to you for you to
notice yourself being that honest with your stepmom.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I think it's like me. It's me holding my ground
and my ideals, and I think I have yet to
really do that. In other cases, there are points where
I'm not being assertive enough, or I'm being too meek.
I don't like confrontation because I've seen it so many
(09:14):
times in my family's history. I don't like getting angry,
and I'm good at controlling my anger, but it's very
easy for me to come angry. But if I find
the strength to wield my anger in a way that's
more positive, I feel like, then I just took this
(09:38):
next step of my growth as an adult. Basically, gotcha?
Speaker 1 (09:42):
And whatsole to make for you to feel like you're
taking another step in your growth as an adult?
Speaker 2 (09:47):
If I put my foot down and said no, I
don't want to.
Speaker 3 (09:50):
It's either between just being honest and saying if you
said I can get the airfire, I'm getting the air fired,
and once I get that, I'm cooking over there here.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
And would you be pleased with yourself for taking that
step as an adult?
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (10:06):
How would you respond, Like, let's say you got the
air fryer and you were like, look, I'm cooking over
here as much as I want. I'm an adult. I
want to make food in this airfryer and cook for me.
How would you respond if she got angry, like if that,
if that upset her, how would you respond to that?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
I would say, I understand if that's not what you want,
I understand, Like I understand your reasonings for you wanting
me to cook here. You have a perception of independence
that you want from me so that I could take
the necessary steps to walk out of here and be
good on my own and have the life that you
(10:42):
see the potential for me to have. But at the
same time, it's my own path. That's my own path.
I'm going to walk it as I like, and you
can sit here and talk as much as you want,
but when it comes down to it, I'm just going
to do do what I want to do. I'm going
to ignore you because, like I said, I find it
(11:04):
to be sad that I am choosing between not eating
and coming over to I prefer not eating to coming
over here.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
And what you just demonstrated, Elijah is a very mature,
a very adult skill, which is how would be assertive
without being angry? How would it help you to have
that skill?
Speaker 2 (11:36):
I think it would help me a lot. I actually
had a quite a bit of issues with some of
my co workers because there was this girl and I'm
starting to notice, like I don't like to say this,
I feel it's kind of sad, but I have more
issues with girls than I have with guys, and I
have no idea why.
Speaker 1 (11:55):
You're not alone in that.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Again, the more conflicts with women than I do with guys.
And I just like this girl. I could tell that
she's nice, and I said this there. I could tell
that she's a nice person, but she just has things
about her that she does not like handle or has
not dealt with well. And so I'm dealing with the
consequences of those actions. And like, there were times where
(12:19):
she's like being a real jerk to me, like making
snide remarks in front of other people about me in
front of me, being passive aggressive. There was one point
where I locked myself out of the like I taught photography,
so I lost my keys and I thought they were
in the photographer er, but I locked myself out, and
(12:40):
so I had to ask for this woman's keys. And
when I went over there, there was a bunch of issues.
She wasn't waiting for me outside, which makes a bit
of a sense. It was nighttime too. I thought she
was gonna wait for me outside for me to give
the keys. She didn't. There was no lights on the porch,
and I could not find out where the bunk was
until I had to ask other people and go up
(13:00):
onto the porch to look at the sign directly. This
is the girl's side of the camp, and so we're
technically not really supposed to be over there the boys,
but this is a proper like, this is a fine excuse.
And when I literally sat on the porch waiting for
her to come out for like two minutes, she came
out with an attitude, saying that I had to get
(13:21):
off the porch before she can give me the keys.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
How did you address that?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
I didn't. I was so mad, but then I just
walked off because when I'm mad, I shut down like
I because I don't know how to correctly talk about
my anger, and I fear that I'm going to like
lose control and say something that I'm going to regret.
(13:46):
The need to put my own thoughts and feelings above
other people, because oftentimes I'll try to prioritize other people's
feelings over my own, and a lot of people please,
but it's just I know what it's like to be hurt,
so I don't necessarily I don't like being the one
(14:08):
tart of the people. But at the same time, I
don't need to. If I don't need to, what's it
called if I'm if I'm hurting, if I'm allowing, if
I'm doing that at the expense of my own mental health,
that's to me. I've found that to be unacceptable at
this point.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yeah, no, you could definitely not be sacrificing your own
mental health. So how would you rather handle some poises
like that so that you're being honest with yourself and
not sacrificing your mental health?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I think being stern at points, like like being able
to cut people off. There's this other girl that I'm
trying not to be that guy, but like, I have
a lot of insists where like I like really value
like women, Like some of my strongest relationships are women,
but at the same time, the most hurtful ones are
(15:01):
also with Women's all right, so what do we do
with that? I think part of the issue is that
I just let things slide too much. I can be
all these things like kind, supportive, affectionate, but there is
a point where I just have to be no, this
(15:22):
is how it's going to go, and not it's going
to go with you, but it's going to go with me.
I have to be able to have some sense of
power within the dynamic. Within the dynamic, like an unchanging
amount of power because I'm there are instances where I'm
arguing with a girl or a woman and she is
(15:47):
cutting me off or being rude. At that point, I
could just say, and this is with guys and girls,
but this is like, this is just how I am.
I just say, no, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm
not doing this anymore, and just walk away.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
How would that help you to learn?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
I think it would just helped me in a lot
of instances because it would just make it so that,
like in any instance, male or female, that I am
not I am sacrificing something that I need for someone else.
I am not doing that anymore.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
The conversation doesn't stop here. You will be right back
with more from this session. Here's more from my session
with Elijah. What do you think it is about your
dynamic with women that produces some conflict.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
I think one of the things is that I hide
my emotions out of fear of rejection, especially in terms
of authority, out of fear of rejection, at a fear
of punishment, at a fear of basically, like what's it called,
I shut down. I don't talk about my emotions or thoughts,
(17:11):
and that creates a push and pull dynamic that is
frustrating to both sides. So that's my issue that I
put into the dynamic. And then at the same time,
I don't put my foot down when it needs to
be done. So yeah, I think those are the two
(17:35):
main issues. I think that in a lot of instances,
issues where I had with women are specifically because I'm
not talking enough. I'm not talking enough and I am
not drawing that line too. And what I mean by talking,
(17:55):
I don't also just mean like hey, I also mean
listening and processing, because there are times where I'm so
angry that I can't hear what the other person is saying,
and that I become a rational and in a situation
where like a push and pull dynamic, that that's not
good for anyone. So yeah, I think being more honest
(18:22):
and open with the person I'm around, as well as
knowing when to like have those boundaries is what's important
what I need to do.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Where do you think you picked up the habit of
being quiet, being afraid of rejection, having that fear, Like,
where do you think that came from?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
I think it just came from being around people were
like angry and just left and just slammed the door
in my face like people telling me, like and oftentimes
like people telling or showing me that that I'm not
enough or that there's something wrong with me, or that
(19:10):
there is something that I need to fix, or showing
their anger towards me made me want to avoid it.
And at the same time, I just realized that's not
Before I would say I don't care what people think
to me, or or I think certain things are stupid
(19:31):
or that they're illogical. I would try to downplay the
what's it called, I would try to downplay everything in
order to keep myself safe. But then I realized how
faulty that was, and so now I'm just thinking about
it and said so instead of downplaying it, instead of
(19:51):
saying I don't care, My my mentality is why should
I be concerned? Different because it's a bit of me
for me. Why should I be concerned? Is me being
open to the possibility of, like, oh, my mind being changed.
(20:12):
Saying I don't care is automatically shitting it down by
saying why that is begging the question. And if I
personally like the answer, then okay, I'm open to it.
But if not, then I have every right to not
give that person my time or energy or give that
idea my time or energy.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Do you think anybody other than your stepmom are going
to notice this kind of more honest and more truthful
and more communicative version of you.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
Not really, I'm mostly a pretty quiet guy. But so
if I like change that to like where I'm more
open and expressive or in other cases just blunt, I
think a lot of people will just recognize that.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
What do you think that would do to your relationship
with other women?
Speaker 2 (21:00):
I think in other instances, like you know, I've never
really been in a relationship, I don't really have any
concerns about being in a relationship right now. But I
think being able to be open and expressive well at
the same time having being able to draw those clear
lines and boundaries, I think it just gives me the
(21:22):
opportunity to make friends, to walk alongside people as who
I am, despite any chaos that might happen. Because something
that I did learn during the camp that I'm grateful
(21:42):
for is that this phrase is like it's you're like
a You're like a duck. What's it called? Oh no,
you're like a seabird in the ocean, Like heavy waves
around you, but like you're calmly paddling.
Speaker 1 (21:56):
And you want to be like that. Yeah, that's true.
What do you think that would do to your desire
to be in a relationship?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
I mean, I want to be in a relationship, but
at the same time, I just know that I'm not
ready for that.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Would you be ready if this were to start to change?
Speaker 2 (22:17):
I don't think anyone's necessarily ready to be around people.
But I think the question is whether or not you're
ready and whether not you're confident to take that first step.
Speaker 1 (22:30):
Right, do you imagine you'd be confident to take that
first step?
Speaker 2 (22:34):
Yeah? I think so.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Would you be pleased by that?
Speaker 2 (22:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (22:39):
And you talked about your step mom? But what would
your mom think of this new version of Elijah?
Speaker 2 (22:45):
She would be happier too. She has I think instances
like where we had issues. It's the same thing. I
wasn't open enough, I wasn't honest enough, and I didn't
draw any lines.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Yeah, so you being because you being open, you being honest?
You think mom would be happy?
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:08):
How would she show you that?
Speaker 2 (23:10):
But how would she show me that I have no
car alive?
Speaker 1 (23:13):
That's not what I said you to say? Oh, I've
noticed the change in you, and I'm pleased to have
seen it.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
I probably think she would just sit it up front
and give me a hug.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Would you consider that a good thing?
Speaker 2 (23:28):
Mm hmm okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
How would you let her know that you were pleased
to be getting this hug from her?
Speaker 2 (23:37):
I'd be really good. I feel I would feel really good.
How would you let her go just be I'd probably
just be not nonchalant, but like I wouldn't be super
like joyful. I would just be like thank you and
just give her back time, like give back the embrace.
I would just like to feel at peace knowing that
(23:58):
I have a certain boundary. I think that's more important
to me than anything else.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
How would your mom respond to your boundaries?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
I think in most cases she would respond with respect.
Would you?
Speaker 1 (24:11):
And you started off by saying like, I want to
get respect for my family. Would it feel good to
you to be getting respect from them because you were
being more communicative, to being more honest and giving them boundaries.
Would you be pleased to be getting respect?
Speaker 2 (24:28):
Yeah? I think they do respect me. It's not that
they don't, but it's more of just like I need
to feel strong within my own boundaries because I don't
necessarily know what I feel, but it's that. But for me,
I feel very unsure or unstable within my own mind
(24:51):
when I'm around my family. Henceforth, I think what I'm
looking for is like that stability. Yeah, respect wasn't the
right world.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
You feel unsure around your family?
Speaker 2 (25:06):
What else? I feel unstable around my family? And yeah
in my mind? In my mind like I feel anxious, nervous, confused.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Why I don't feel i'd rather feel around your family.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
There are moments where I feel I should do something
because it's expected of me by other people. But at
the same time, I don't have to do those things.
I don't need to be polite, I don't need to
be kind, I don't need to be what's it called formal.
(25:47):
I can be those things if I want to, but
not because they're expected of me anymore, at least I'm not.
I'm not twelve.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Exactly exactly what different would it make for you? Allows
you to be at peace around your family?
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Not as much chaos in my head?
Speaker 1 (26:06):
What would be there in your head instead of chaos?
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Just stillness? Like I'm acting like myself because that is
how I want to act not because other people expect
me to be a certain way.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Okay, how would and let's say you were doing that,
you were acting like yourself, giving boundaries, being honest, communicating
your truth. And let's say somebody didn't like it. How
would you stick to it because you know it's good
for you?
Speaker 2 (26:38):
I would say what I said before, You don't have
to like it. But why should that concern me?
Speaker 1 (26:45):
How different would that be for you to have that stance, Elija?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
I think it would make me feel actually strong or powerful,
like I my opinions or my ideals within a situation,
Like I actually have some semblance of power in a situation.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Gotcha? And that would be new for you, Right, that
would be different. Elijah? Are you ready to like put
this into action and like practice doing this?
Speaker 2 (27:13):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Because you said something and I think is the most
important thing. I feel like I'm doing it because it's
expected of me, and sometimes it's at the sacrifice of
my mental health.
Speaker 4 (27:26):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:28):
So if you learn to be your true, authentic self
and let everyone if they get upset, they get upset,
that's like the ultimate of being strong and powerful and
being an adult. Right, you'd agree with that? So, Elijah,
what I want to ask you to do is I
want you to behave like that, like start putting that
(27:49):
into action, and just notice how other people respond, because
they're gonna have a response to it. I don't know
what it'll be, but like your stepmom, your mom, family members, like,
people have a response to it, and I want you
to pay attention to help people respond. And I also
want you to pay attention to how much peace it
gives you to no longer be behaving in a way
(28:13):
to prioritize other people other than yourself. Pay really field
attention to your level of peace.
Speaker 2 (28:20):
I'll do it as many times as it takes for
it to stick.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Awesome, Thank you sir.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, I also still need to get back onto like
writing too, and cooking.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
And cooking in order for us to be happy, we
have to do the things that make us happy and
not do the things that make us unhappy. And for
whatever reason, Elijah, cooking and writing are two things that
really fill you up, so you absolutely have to get
to doing those things.
Speaker 2 (28:50):
When's the next session that we'll have?
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Is it tomorrow or we can meet whenever you want?
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Gotcha? Do you mind if I would like to say
a poem I've been working on about some of this stuff.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
No, I would like to just right. Do you want
to do that in their next session?
Speaker 2 (29:10):
Yeah, that'd be cool.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
I can't wait to hear your poem.
Speaker 2 (29:13):
Thank you. Yeah, it'll be fun.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
What this conversation shows us is that boundaries aren't about control,
they're about clarity. Throughout the session, we heard how staying quiet,
avoiding confrontation, and trying to meet expectations didn't actually create peace. Instead,
it created anxiety, confusion, and a feeling of instability, especially
around family and authority figures. One of the most important
(29:38):
differentiations Elijah pointed out was between I don't care versus
why should that concern me? That question opens space for choice.
It allows you to listen, to decide, and to protect
your mental health without shutting yourself down or lashing out.
Being assertive does doesn't mean being aggressive. Being honest doesn't
(30:03):
mean being disrespectful, even though sometimes that's the only way
it's interpreted. Choosing yourself doesn't mean you don't care about others.
It means you're no longer sacrificing your well being to
keep the peace. If you're listening and you recognize that
feeling of chaos in your head when you're around certain people.
This session offers a reminder peace comes from being aligned
(30:27):
with yourself, from communicating clearly, from honoring your limits even
when others don't like them. As you move forward, pay
attention to how it feels when you stop doing things
just because they're expected of you and start doing them
because they're right for you. I will end with a
few questions, as we always do, take a moment, write
(30:49):
them down, return to them at a later time if
need be. Remember the questions we ask ourselves are important.
Where am I avoiding honest to keep things from getting uncomfortable?
What boundaries do I need in order to feel calm
(31:12):
and stable? Am I prioritizing other people's expectations and comforts
over my own mental health? How do I usually respond
(31:34):
to conflict? Do I shut down, explode, disappear? And if so,
has that worked? What would it look like to be
assertive without being angry? If someone does doesn't like my boundaries,
(32:02):
why should that concern me?
Speaker 4 (32:13):
Thanks for listening, See you next week.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a
DM Connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and
you can also send me a text message to nine
seventy two four two six two six four zero. Family
Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect
Podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendell Seppe. It's
(32:53):
produced by jack Quee Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. Fisher.
For more podcasts from the Black Infect visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
(33:14):
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team or any
specific concerns or questions you may have.
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