December 10, 2025 • 36 mins
WHO IS CHRIS? From being separated at a young age after his mother's tragic death to the struggles of growing up in foster care, Chris opens up about his life experiences and the importance of therapy in his healing process. Chris expresses how understanding his siblings' perspectives could transform his relationships and help him become a better father and grandfather. He emphasizes the value of truth, acceptance, and passing down positive life lessons to future generations. Keep listening to learn more about Chris's journey and gain inspiration from his pursuit of inner peace and happiness.
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Welcome back, everybody. Today, we're sitting with Chris, the eldest
in his family. Chris grew up separated from his brothers
and sisters, navigating loss, adoption, and the painful gaps that
shaped his childhood, and now as a father and grandfather,
he's trying to understand his siblings more deeply so he
can lead with compassion rather than assumption. What struck me
(00:32):
most in my conversation with Chris is how seriously he
takes the role of being the oldest, not as a title,
but as a responsibility. He talks about wanting to see
life through his sibling's perspective, wanting to approach each of
them in a way that honors the path they've walked.
He hopes that in understanding them, he'll become a better father,
(00:52):
a better grandfather, and a better steward of the legacy
he's trying to build. This session is about leadership within
a family, the kind no one teaches, the kind you
learn through heartache, discovery, and choosing connection again and again.
It's about what it means to be the person who
gathers people back together, even when you once felt disconnected yourself. So, Chris,
(01:19):
what are your best hopes from talking with Ray.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Part of it understanding you know, my brothers and sisters
a little bit more because I wasn't raised with them.
So it's you know, like like Jasmine said, there were
some things that she didn't know about me, and then
you know, just just moving on in life. We all
have ups and downs, even still today. I always look
at therapy as a great way to clear the air,
(01:41):
to get grounded refocused. You know. That's how I look
at therapy. That I had it when I was younger.
How I was separated was because of my mom was murdered,
and then I was adopted to a family, so I
had to go through a lot, you know, how to.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Deal with a lot, I would understand. And your siblings
make a difference for.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
You to look at things from their point of view understanding.
One of the things when we all got together and
started talking to my dad, I know Jasmine had I know,
she had like a little issue because of the fact
that he wasn't there, you know, and you know in
our lives. As for me, I looked at it differently.
I was just grateful that my dad came back and
(02:22):
you know, to my life, and then it was just
trying to learn, you know, my family, learn my siblings,
know who they were, how they grew up, and know
their experience so I could be able to, you know,
understand them and respect them and their views and lives
because we can always have like, I don't ever try
to be biased, you know, I always wanted to be open,
(02:44):
so I could, you know, because what Jasmine may feel
will be different than what Gladys will feel, and what
Gladys will feel be different with you know, Lance and
Lewis Who's gonna feel? You know? So if I'm sitting there,
being a brother doesn't matter, you know. I mean, I
know I'm the older brother, so but trying to be
the big brother is just trying to understand where they
(03:06):
came from and understanding their views of how they looked
at things.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Okay, So, how does let's say you and I talk
and we talked one time ten times. How are times
we meet and you come away from those meetings with
a full understanding of your siblings perspective and you come
away being able to say things from their point of view.
How would that make a difference in Chris's life? How
does that help Chris to fully understand his siblings because like.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
I can't approach Jasmine the same way I would approach Gladdys.
Me and Gladys we have our bond. When we met,
our bond was instant. It was weird, like like you know,
it's weird we didn't grow up, but we were so
close around each other, or she was around my adopted family.
But like when we connected, like I'm more connected to
(03:58):
Gladdys than I, you know, of all my other siblings,
Lance would be the second, so Jazz, I haven't really
got to really connect with Jazz as much or Lewis.
I was just saying, like, like with my connection, like
with Gladys, is the most solid connection of all my
siblings when we met, because I actually met Jasmine first,
(04:20):
but then I met Gladys. But like me and Gladys,
it's like our connection it was always there versus like
with Jasmine, I'm still getting to know Jasmine and she's
still getting to know me, you know, and just still
trying to feel her out, you know, feel you know,
if she trusted me, you know, with speaking with you know,
(04:41):
her past or you know not, and so letting her
get to know me. Like like we said in the beginning,
there was some things she didn't know about me, about
my past. That's the biggest thing is trying to you know,
when I walk away from this, is learning how to
you know, knowing how to address her, she addressing me,
and then just knowing our different backgrounds because growing up
(05:05):
in Boston everything could be different. You know, I was
way on one side and he was another.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Yeah, how would it help you to be connected to
Jasmine in the way that you are, Gladys? How would
that like improve your life?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
To be able to understand other people, to be more
open to understand that, you know, when I'm connecting with
another person or with my kids, because I do have
a lot of kids and all of them are different.
Understanding that, you know, not all the time, everybody's going
to understand the same way. Not everybody's going to take
(05:38):
everything the same way. And having the patience and the
will to say, okay, let me listen, let me take
time to know that you're going to be different from
the other person. You know, like my oldest son is
not being the same like my younger daughter. And then
taking that experience and learning that and then also flying
(06:00):
it to you know, my children as I speak to
them applying it to my grandchildren as they grow up
and as they go through because even now with my
grandchildren the dynamics of not being in their lives because
they are with their parents. If I get on a
phone call, I can still you know, relate to them
and say, you know what, my siblings, we didn't grow
(06:23):
up together. We were separated, and even though I'm not
around you all the time, we can still communicate. And
I understand because my younger sister it was a gap.
And then you know, I'm your grandfather. Now you know,
I can still understand where you may come from if
you have some animosity of me not being around all
the time. So understanding that, learning that, like from Jasmine,
(06:46):
whatever animality she meant had of not being around or
a dad not being around, I can apply that to
my children, you know, and my grandon. Wow.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And how would that help your life to be able
to apply that to your children and your and children, Chris,
that's deep man, that's big. How would that impact you
to be able to apply those lessons to your kids
and grandkids.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Because then they'll be able to also learn to pass
it down. And that's one of the things that we
lack sometimes passing those good tools of life, life lessons
of you know, hey, not only life lessons, but being
able to relate, because I find that in today's society
we lose that relationship of relating to family and we
(07:32):
more relate to our friends. We go outside of that
family nucleus, you know, and it's like trying to bring
it back to say, hey, we as family will always
have issues and problems, but if we sit down and
talk and pass down all the lessons that we learn,
it makes the family stronger. I think families have gotten
(07:53):
weak from that in my opinion. And from what I've seen,
you know, there's no you know, like what's the movie
so Food? No more big mamas, the old grandma's on
nana's that would bring the whole family together when there
was issues and problems and say, hey, we're family, let's
bring it all together. Just keep passing that down to
generation and you know, have them have a way to
(08:17):
trust within the family and say, you know what, I
remember my grandfather, he always brought us back together. I
want to keep passing it down.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
And would you be pleased to be the like person
in your family that starts passing down the positive traits
to your kids and grandkids.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, I always try to. That's my biggest thing because
I always think about my kids and my grandchildren, and
that's my legacy. You know. I love movies and there
was a quote in a movie Immortals, I don't know
if you're sawry okay, And I love the quote from
Mickey Warck that played the bad guy. But he said,
(08:54):
the son will never set on my face, which meant
that he had a lot of seeds out there. You know,
to me, my greatest legacy in life is my children
and passing down the knowledge and experience that I have had,
passing it down to them and keeping them connected. Right now,
(09:15):
I'm going up to Virginia tomorrow and I got to
settle some issues between my kids because they're you know,
they have a little bicker in fighting. So it's you know,
taking that and applying that to them and saying, hey, look,
you guys are siblings. We got to be able to
work this out. You got kids, your uncles, your aunts.
What are they going to look at how are they
(09:36):
going to look at you guys fighting? How are they
going to take it on with their cousins their brother's business.
So that's the thing that I've always tried to do.
And like I said, even with being the oldest, that's
the biggest thing that I try to want to be
like that glue with my siblings, you know, and then
just keep carrying it on.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
How does it help you to fill that role, Chris?
What does it do to you to fill that role?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
It makes me feel so many different ways. It makes
me feel proud, but it also makes me feel encouraged,
right because I know if I can be there for them,
it encourages me to keep doing it and keep learning
and pushing myself to be open, not be one minded,
so that I can be there and be that symbol
(10:25):
you know that they can look up and say, you know,
especially from you know our father. You know, if he
lacked in that, that's fine. But here I am being
the oldest, then next for my father, looking like our father,
but I can connect that and make that glue. And
even if he didn't carry the mantle well, I can
carry it better or learn to carry it better.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
So if Chris, if you and I were to work
together in the outcome of that is you learn to
carry that mantle better, would you be pleased with that?
As an outcome.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yeah, I really would. I'll be pleased, and you know,
it'll all give me the courage to keep going, you know,
to keep learning, you know, to keep on you know,
being better person. I always think that we can always
be better. I always believe that every day we can
always be better ourselves, no matter what it is. One
of the things we probably talked about with financial things,
(11:18):
as long as you keep moving forward, if you make
it just ten dollars, if you do one thing good,
then matter that and then work on doing ten other
things just the same.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
I want to use that as a principle of life,
with going through emotions and experiences.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Well, okay, so I want to go back and just
kind of get to know a few parts of your story,
if that's okay.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
First of all, how many kids do you have?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
I got seven kids and seven grandchildren.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
And the kids are from what age to what age?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
From thirty six to eleven?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Okay, man seven, that's a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
It depends how you look at it.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
And you grew up in Boston, so.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, I grew up in Boston. So how my story begins.
The family that got adopted to were my daycare. They
were That's how I got associated with them. My mom
found a daycare. They became my daycare, and then my
grandmother my adopt The grandmother ran the daycare. Her daughter
(12:30):
ended up reporting my mom to Department Social Service about
some of the bad conditions that, you know, when I
would come over, I'd be you know, smelly or you know,
diapers or whatever. Because my mom was young. She was
nineteen when she had me, and she already had my brother,
so she was struggling a little bit. But the state
(12:51):
decided that my daycare would become my foster family. So
my grandmother was see my foster mothers first, and then
I just stayed with them and then and then later
on they became my adopted family. Especially after when my
mom passed away, I was still up for adoption. I
(13:13):
don't know. I don't know the full story of why
anybody from my biological family didn't step up. I guess
they just figured I was all right. I don't know
that full story. But I got adopted around eight years
old because it was time. They were just like, hey,
you've been here with this family so long, what are
(13:34):
you going to do? So they were just like, you
gotta choose who's going to be your adopted mother, and
I don't know some wisdom, I chose my mom that
I have now.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
They came to an eight year old kid and said,
you got to choose who's going to be your mom.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah. Yeah, because okay back in the day, you know,
because that was the thirty eighties. I remember when it
came and chose laugh sometimes because I had the choice.
I remember logically thinking, she's my nana, you know, I
always see as my nana. And I was like, I
(14:10):
don't think she's you know, young enough to handle me.
I don't know how I came up with that logic.
Someone else was thinking for me, but I chose. I
chose her daughter to be my mom.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
At what age did you realize that I'm away from
my family?
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Yeah? I always did. I knew I had brothers, and
I didn't know that I had a sister because I
didn't know the whole tragedy story. I guess in their minds,
they never wanted to tell me the full truth of
what happened. They always told me, you know, God took
your mom away, and we were heavily into, you know,
being Catholic. The family that raised me was from Saint Lucia,
(14:49):
we're in the church. But but I never understood when
they was telling me, how can you tell me that
God took my mom away? But it's supposed to be
a merciful god, you know. That was one of the
things that confused me growing up being in the church
and trying to listen to that. And then one of
(15:12):
the things that had bothered me, which led to me
being in therapy, was why don't my family come for me?
You know? But I never got straight answers. But later
on in life, I found out that my adopted family
got attached to me and didn't want to lose me.
When my adopted mom moved to a different residence, they
(15:35):
never told my family where I went. My grandmother did.
They just kept it a secret. You know. I guess that,
you know, the affair was like of losing me. But
you know, when you're a kid, you don't know all
those things. You don't know the backstories, right. I remember
always wanting to have a sister. I don't know why.
(15:55):
I just always wanted to have a sister. I don't
know why. That was angry child being separated. I was
trying to figure out, like, why are you telling me
God took my mom. But it supposed to be merciful God.
You know. It was just so confusing. And then I
got in trouble, you know, being out you know, the
street to Boston. I got locked up. I was out
(16:17):
in Waltham somewhere, locked up, dys whatever. And I remember
my sister had told me because somehow it got brought up.
I said, yeah, I know I have older sisters, but
I said I always wish I had a younger sister.
And my one of my doctor's sisters said, you did
have a sister. And I was like, what what do
(16:37):
you mean. I was like, well, I was twelve years
old now. I was like, what are you talking about?
And she was like, you did have a sister. You
lost her, And I'm like, what is going on? When
did this happen? Luckily I was locked up because it
threw me, you know, into an anger fit, you know.
And that's one of the things, you know, and taking
away from like our sessions, and I always try for
(17:01):
the truth of things, no matter what, and even like
with my siblings and even with my children, I always
try to tell them the truth. It's because the truth
was hidden from me for the longest time. I didn't
find the truth until I was older. I was in
my thirties when you asked me what I take from it.
(17:21):
I always want to know the truth, no matter how
hard it is with my siblings, and hey, I'll tell
you my truth, tell you my story, and take it
from there because it's a learning experience.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Can you take me back to when you were twelve
and you found out you had a sister while you
were locked up, you said it took you to an
anger fit. How did you deal with that? So now
I have an eight year old who has to choose
his family, and now you're locked up. When you get
you get another bit of truth at twelve that you
had a sister? How did you deal with that?
Speaker 2 (18:09):
I didn't like I said, I was luckily I was
locked up. I was. I had a anger fit, became violent.
You know I chose, you know me, I chose a
lot of violence when I was young. I had the
thought process when I was younger that it was easier
to be angry to to be happy, because I felt
(18:31):
at that time that every time I found out something
that I wanted to find out, it angered me because
it was so confusion of why can't y'all just tell
me the truth. Why can't y'all trust me to handle
the truth? You know? And here I am. One of
the things I remember. When I was young, I asked
(18:53):
my adopted grandmother, how did I ever know if I
was with you guys at a young age? Because I
was with them at like three months when they were
watching me. I said, how did I know? I had
a mom? All I remember is you guys. I can't
remember anything before my mom's death. I can't remember when
(19:18):
I was with my mom. I can't remember those things.
My brother they remember when I met my brothers, they
were like, oh, yeah, we used to hang out. I'm like, what,
I don't have that memory. All I remember is going
to Disney World when my mom passed away. My adopted
mom had already planned to take me to Disney World,
(19:39):
and that's all I remembered at that time. I don't
know what happened to my memory. My older brother, Kwan,
he used to tell me, yeah, we used to hang
out when we were younger. I used to try to
get you in trouble, and I'm like, I have no
memory of it.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
How old were you when your mom passed away?
Speaker 2 (19:57):
I was four years old. I remember like when I
asked my brother, I was like, you got so much
of a sensive memory, and I said, I don't. I
remember when I met him. We had to fill me
in on when we hang down and stuff like that,
but I don't remember till this day.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
How old were you when you felt like you got
the whole truth? You got bits of truth along the way.
How old were you when you felt like you got
the whole truth?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
About twenty years ago, I found my biological family and
then you know, they sat me down, you know, you know,
family members, was like, hey, this is what this happened.
This is what this happened. I'm like what. And then
you know, I had to go back and ask questions.
And at the time from my adopted mom, I had
to ask her some questions, some tough questions. I said,
meeting my real family, they're telling me things that now
(20:45):
I need clarification. And I said, I'm not. I said,
I'm too old to get the whole grudges. I'm I'm
past that. I just want to know what was the answer.
So I was like about about thirty four years old.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
To be thirty four years old and finally get the truth,
how did that make a difference in your life?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Going through what I've been through in life, I can
say I was more acceptable, like I was more able
to accept things, you know, not past blames. I think
at that time, I had been through one war, so
you know, in the military. I was in the military.
I was involved in Cuasut for war. Okay, So for me,
(21:30):
I was thankful for life. You know. I looked at
things differently because I had the win the war, and
then it's like, man, we made it through this craziness.
But when I found out, I was just like, Okay,
I just want to know the truth.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
You know.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
I'm not trying to blame nobody. I don't want to
have no regrets, especially when I met my family and
my dad. My dad didn't have his name on my
birth certificate, so I never knew my dad's name. He
just kept up with my real family. How my family
was found, I had an ex girlfriend in the Navy
(22:07):
and Skim, the FBI agent. She's the one that found
the family for me. When she found the family, I said,
when I met everybody, I was just happy to close
a chapter because I was always trying to look for
my family. I didn't know how many brothers and sisters
I had from my dad's side. I only knew from
(22:27):
my mom's side. It was just a new beginning. So
for me, I didn't I didn't walk into this with
any like anger. I didn't walk into it, you know,
with any animosity. I just wanted to know who I was.
And to me, that was the thing, was like finding
(22:49):
myself like who I was. It was just confirmation of
things that I didn't it because, you know, from my
adoptive family, they would tease me, oh, how do you
know your Puerto Rican And I'm like my dad, you know,
you know, like you know kids you know could be kids,
you know.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
So once I found that, I had to say, don't
bring no anger into this. You went through life, You're
had a new chapter, you found your family. Now let's
just stop learning. Just walk into it with open minds,
open heart.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
And if you woke up tomorrow and you're just taking
another step into being a better person, how would you
notice it? What would be the first clue that would
tell you I'm not perfect, I've had this crazy journey,
but I've taken another step into being the best version
of me. How would you notice that?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
How I deal with things like today in life, when
I get knocked down if things don't go my way.
I don't have that anger like I used to when
I was younger or in my twenties. I'm more open.
I'm always looking for the brighter things, even though I know,
you know, if I hear something that's bad, whatever it
may be, I'm still just happy that I'm here. I'm
(24:04):
able to experience it. I'm able to sit back and
try to listen more. What's that that new TikTok Oh?
We listen but we don't judge.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Yeah, you know, Yeah, I saw that.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
It's kind of that concept, you know, listening, don't judge,
knowing that, hey, things happen, and I just, you know,
I always try to stay happy. A lot of people
always look at me and like, like, today's my birthday,
and they be like, oh, you're fifty two years old.
I didn't think it was fifty two. Like, yeah, I'm
fifty two. They say, how do you do it? I said,
(24:38):
it's definitely not eating, because I like to eat. But
I said, it's just being happy. I just like being happy,
and I search for my inner piece. That's the biggest thing.
More and more, I gain, you know, bigger, bigger, inner piece,
to be able to deal with everything and to be
level minded. That's how I would look at it.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Is today actually your birthday, yeah, oh wow, happy birthday? Yeah,
thank you, and this waking up tomorrow just a little
bit better with inner peace and happiness. Who would be
the first person other than yourself to notice it?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
I think anybody and everybody that knows me, because of
the fact that people know how I am. Like at work,
i am known as happy Feet. That's my nickname is
happy Feet. I love the movie Happy Feet, so I'm
always doing a little dancing, you know, like hey, you know,
so that's me. But if I'm ever off, If I
(25:36):
had a day off, everybody knows, like, oh, what's wrong
with happy Feet? Dad, what's going on? And I could
be like, no, I'm all right, I'm just mayby in
deep thought. Oh but you're always you know, sitchever. Oh no, no,
I'm good. I have to explain it because they everybody
knows when I go throughout my dad I'm a happy person.
So if something is wrong, people would know because I'm
(25:56):
always there for people, always trying to joke with people.
My sense of humor is crazy. It goes from one
backroom to the other. I could be dark. I I
just like humor. I like to laugh and that's me.
So if there's a moment where if I'm too quiet, yeah, people, Hey, hey,
what's going on?
Speaker 1 (26:16):
When are you gonna go see your twin daughter? The
daughters in Virginia that you have to kind of help
with the situation.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Well, I got twins sons tomorrow, I'm driving up tonight,
I'm going to Georgia to see Gladys and then I'll
be in Virginia Saturday morning.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
How would they notice that you've taken another step in
bettering yourself and connecting with them. How would they notice
that something has changed because you've gotten just a little
bit better.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
How my response is because they always like my For instance,
I was just talking to now the fight is between
my youngest daughter and one of the twins Lumba boys.
But my daughter she said something that I was like,
oh okay. She said, you know when Kevin, when you
come up dad, because they have a disagreement, and she goes,
(27:03):
oh wait till your dad come up here. He told
me you're like the only adult that he will not
swear at. He maintains is. You know, he'll go off
on everybody else, but he gives you a lot of respect.
So she was like, yeah, you wait till he does
come up here. So that's the thing, Like, like I
could keep it even kill with my kids, even if
I addressed them. You know, I'm always happy if if
(27:27):
I was to ever address them out of anger or
or you know, miss they would know like something is
wrong with Dad, Like that's not Dad.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
How would they know that something was right with Dad
and getting right? Or how would they know there's something
right with Dad? And it seems to be.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I think mostly like my responses, like when my responses
get better, or if I can like some learning here,
if I was able to address them in a different
way with a better explanation, then that's when they're know like, hey,
we brought up a new way. You know, he brought
(28:12):
up something new from what he you know, was saying before.
That's how well my kids know me, like my response
to them. They know I can say anything to my dad,
but for them, it's all about how he says it.
What way does he bring it up? You know, what
new way, what new saying did he bring And that's
(28:32):
how they would know.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
How would you know that you are doing a better job,
not that you were doing a bad job before, but
you were doing a better job of taking care of
that legacy, Like your children meet your legacy. How would
you know that you were doing an even better job
of attending to your legacy, ending down those positive things,
not just negative things.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
When I go up there, it's when they listen to
what I'm telling them of how to be siblings, when
they start working together more and they're like, okay, you know,
like because I understand it's a growing process as they
get older, but when they start sitting there and saying,
you know what, Dad's right. For instance, my youngest daughter,
(29:14):
I was always telling her, you think life is so hard.
You're just going through high school. I said, wait till
you graduate high school. Being an adult, it's hard. It's
not the same. You got so much responsibility. I remember
my daughter told me, Dad, you think you know it all.
And I told her, it's not that I know it all.
I only tell you what I know from my experience.
(29:36):
Whatever I don't know, I will tell you, hey, let's
figure it out. It's just knowing the experience that I've
been through and I pass it on to you. And
that's that thing like once, you know, when I've gained
new experience, when I gain something new of how to
approach someone differently, I said, like learning from my siblings,
(29:57):
learning how to approach them differently than I can approach
my kids differently and say, okay, I can relate to
you better, and here's my better response. Maybe two months
ago I was saying this, but now it's different because
I've learned something new. So now why don't you think
(30:17):
about it this way and giving it to them a
different perspective?
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Would that feel good for you?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah? I would, especially when they get it. It's like
when you teach. I was an instructor, but it's it's
you know, I know it's different for you know, like
when you're teaching adults, but still it's always when you're
trying to teach someone something. And then when they get that,
oh I got it, you're like, yeah, you feel more
confident because now you know they got it, They've gained
(30:47):
confidence and knowledge, and then you gained confidence because you
found a new way to get to them. Right, because
everybody you know is different in these day names So
when they can learn and understand like, oh, oh yeah,
that was that was my bad. Let me take And
that's the thing I want to pass down to my kids.
One of the things is also teaching them make sure
(31:10):
you accept your responsibility of what you do in life,
whether it's good or bad. Make sure you know you're
able to accept your responsibilities to your actions.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
How would Gladys notice that a better version of her
brother has showed up?
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Oh? Trust, Like I said, you know, just like with
my work is, God has knows how I feel. She
can see it in me, she.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Can just gotcha. Well, Chris, we're about out of time.
Can I ask you to do something actually to somethings? Okay,
when you're on this trip, I want you to notice
your children and your sister. I want you to notice
(31:55):
them enjoying you. I want you to notice them like
being pleased that you're around. I think you've had I
don't think I've ever met anybody who had eight years
old they had to pick who their parents are going
to be. I wish someone would just tell me the truth.
(32:15):
Why is nobody trusted me with the truth. He was
being told bits and pieces of the truth along the way,
but he didn't get the whole truth until he was
in his thirties. That gives you a certain level of
wisdom that I want you to kind of catch yourself
sharing with your kids and with your siblings, and in
some ways it doesn't really matter whether they get it
(32:37):
right away, but just having you around, having gone through
all of that and be so positive and connected to them.
I want you to feel like these people really like
that I'm around. Given where you've been through, that's got
to matter to you. And I want you to live
in that truth for a minute. I want you to
enjoy that. When I was eight years old, I had
(32:59):
to chew lose my family. But now I'm in this
family and these people are consistently choosing me and that
must feel good. I want you to enjoy that. I
want you to notice the impact it has on you.
I'm good enough, I'm what the people around me want
and enjoyed. Notice them relishing you in that way.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Yeah, because I know, like Michel Ladis, even though you
know I was just coming up to spend a little
bit of Bob, she was like, ah, I could just
kill my brother.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Oh yeah, how do you think we did today?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
They're good? They're good. They're good.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
As we close this session with Chris, I'm left reflecting
on the courage it takes to lead from a place
of openness. Chris has lived through separation, confusing and abandonment,
but instead of letting bitterness take root, He's choosing to
be the glue that keeps his family connected, even when
the past didn't offer him the same stability for everyone, Listen,
(34:00):
I want to invite you into a moment of reflection. Family,
even in its complicated imperfect form, is one of the
first places where legacy is created, and preserving that legacy
often starts with one person deciding to take the reins
and show up differently. Here are a few questions you
can ask yourself as you think about your own relationships
(34:23):
and the role you play within them. What does leadership
look like in my family and how am I contributing
to it intentionally or not? Where can I choose understanding
over assumption in the ways I approach the people I love?
(34:49):
What truths or stories from my past could help strengthen
the next generation if I share them honestly? What will
my my legacy be not in terms of achievement, but
in the relationships I nurture and the connections I preserve.
(35:10):
Chris reminds us that leadership isn't always loud. Sometimes it's
simply the willingness to learn about your people, love them
through their differences, and intentionally pass down the tools you
never received. Thank you for joining us today. I hope
this conversation encourages you to take one step towards strengthening
the bonds that build your own family's legacy. I would
(35:34):
love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM connect
with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can
also send me a text message to nine seven two
four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is
a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by
(35:56):
Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer, Dolly sa Bishop.
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
(36:18):
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
specific concern or questions you may have
Welcome back, everybody. Today, we're sitting with Chris, the eldest
in his family. Chris grew up separated from his brothers
and sisters, navigating loss, adoption, and the painful gaps that
shaped his childhood, and now as a father and grandfather,
he's trying to understand his siblings more deeply so he
can lead with compassion rather than assumption. What struck me
(00:32):
most in my conversation with Chris is how seriously he
takes the role of being the oldest, not as a title,
but as a responsibility. He talks about wanting to see
life through his sibling's perspective, wanting to approach each of
them in a way that honors the path they've walked.
He hopes that in understanding them, he'll become a better father,
(00:52):
a better grandfather, and a better steward of the legacy
he's trying to build. This session is about leadership within
a family, the kind no one teaches, the kind you
learn through heartache, discovery, and choosing connection again and again.
It's about what it means to be the person who
gathers people back together, even when you once felt disconnected yourself. So, Chris,
(01:19):
what are your best hopes from talking with Ray.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Part of it understanding you know, my brothers and sisters
a little bit more because I wasn't raised with them.
So it's you know, like like Jasmine said, there were
some things that she didn't know about me, and then
you know, just just moving on in life. We all
have ups and downs, even still today. I always look
at therapy as a great way to clear the air,
(01:41):
to get grounded refocused. You know. That's how I look
at therapy. That I had it when I was younger.
How I was separated was because of my mom was murdered,
and then I was adopted to a family, so I
had to go through a lot, you know, how to.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Deal with a lot, I would understand. And your siblings
make a difference for.
Speaker 2 (02:01):
You to look at things from their point of view understanding.
One of the things when we all got together and
started talking to my dad, I know Jasmine had I know,
she had like a little issue because of the fact
that he wasn't there, you know, and you know in
our lives. As for me, I looked at it differently.
I was just grateful that my dad came back and
(02:22):
you know, to my life, and then it was just
trying to learn, you know, my family, learn my siblings,
know who they were, how they grew up, and know
their experience so I could be able to, you know,
understand them and respect them and their views and lives
because we can always have like, I don't ever try
to be biased, you know, I always wanted to be open,
(02:44):
so I could, you know, because what Jasmine may feel
will be different than what Gladys will feel, and what
Gladys will feel be different with you know, Lance and
Lewis Who's gonna feel? You know? So if I'm sitting there,
being a brother doesn't matter, you know. I mean, I
know I'm the older brother, so but trying to be
the big brother is just trying to understand where they
(03:06):
came from and understanding their views of how they looked
at things.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Okay, So, how does let's say you and I talk
and we talked one time ten times. How are times
we meet and you come away from those meetings with
a full understanding of your siblings perspective and you come
away being able to say things from their point of view.
How would that make a difference in Chris's life? How
does that help Chris to fully understand his siblings because like.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
I can't approach Jasmine the same way I would approach Gladdys.
Me and Gladys we have our bond. When we met,
our bond was instant. It was weird, like like you know,
it's weird we didn't grow up, but we were so
close around each other, or she was around my adopted family.
But like when we connected, like I'm more connected to
(03:58):
Gladdys than I, you know, of all my other siblings,
Lance would be the second, so Jazz, I haven't really
got to really connect with Jazz as much or Lewis.
I was just saying, like, like with my connection, like
with Gladys, is the most solid connection of all my
siblings when we met, because I actually met Jasmine first,
(04:20):
but then I met Gladys. But like me and Gladys,
it's like our connection it was always there versus like
with Jasmine, I'm still getting to know Jasmine and she's
still getting to know me, you know, and just still
trying to feel her out, you know, feel you know,
if she trusted me, you know, with speaking with you know,
(04:41):
her past or you know not, and so letting her
get to know me. Like like we said in the beginning,
there was some things she didn't know about me, about
my past. That's the biggest thing is trying to you know,
when I walk away from this, is learning how to
you know, knowing how to address her, she addressing me,
and then just knowing our different backgrounds because growing up
(05:05):
in Boston everything could be different. You know, I was
way on one side and he was another.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Yeah, how would it help you to be connected to
Jasmine in the way that you are, Gladys? How would
that like improve your life?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
To be able to understand other people, to be more
open to understand that, you know, when I'm connecting with
another person or with my kids, because I do have
a lot of kids and all of them are different.
Understanding that, you know, not all the time, everybody's going
to understand the same way. Not everybody's going to take
(05:38):
everything the same way. And having the patience and the
will to say, okay, let me listen, let me take
time to know that you're going to be different from
the other person. You know, like my oldest son is
not being the same like my younger daughter. And then
taking that experience and learning that and then also flying
(06:00):
it to you know, my children as I speak to
them applying it to my grandchildren as they grow up
and as they go through because even now with my
grandchildren the dynamics of not being in their lives because
they are with their parents. If I get on a
phone call, I can still you know, relate to them
and say, you know what, my siblings, we didn't grow
(06:23):
up together. We were separated, and even though I'm not
around you all the time, we can still communicate. And
I understand because my younger sister it was a gap.
And then you know, I'm your grandfather. Now you know,
I can still understand where you may come from if
you have some animosity of me not being around all
the time. So understanding that, learning that, like from Jasmine,
(06:46):
whatever animality she meant had of not being around or
a dad not being around, I can apply that to
my children, you know, and my grandon. Wow.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
And how would that help your life to be able
to apply that to your children and your and children, Chris,
that's deep man, that's big. How would that impact you
to be able to apply those lessons to your kids
and grandkids.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Because then they'll be able to also learn to pass
it down. And that's one of the things that we
lack sometimes passing those good tools of life, life lessons
of you know, hey, not only life lessons, but being
able to relate, because I find that in today's society
we lose that relationship of relating to family and we
(07:32):
more relate to our friends. We go outside of that
family nucleus, you know, and it's like trying to bring
it back to say, hey, we as family will always
have issues and problems, but if we sit down and
talk and pass down all the lessons that we learn,
it makes the family stronger. I think families have gotten
(07:53):
weak from that in my opinion. And from what I've seen,
you know, there's no you know, like what's the movie
so Food? No more big mamas, the old grandma's on
nana's that would bring the whole family together when there
was issues and problems and say, hey, we're family, let's
bring it all together. Just keep passing that down to
generation and you know, have them have a way to
(08:17):
trust within the family and say, you know what, I
remember my grandfather, he always brought us back together. I
want to keep passing it down.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
And would you be pleased to be the like person
in your family that starts passing down the positive traits
to your kids and grandkids.
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, I always try to. That's my biggest thing because
I always think about my kids and my grandchildren, and
that's my legacy. You know. I love movies and there
was a quote in a movie Immortals, I don't know
if you're sawry okay, And I love the quote from
Mickey Warck that played the bad guy. But he said,
(08:54):
the son will never set on my face, which meant
that he had a lot of seeds out there. You know,
to me, my greatest legacy in life is my children
and passing down the knowledge and experience that I have had,
passing it down to them and keeping them connected. Right now,
(09:15):
I'm going up to Virginia tomorrow and I got to
settle some issues between my kids because they're you know,
they have a little bicker in fighting. So it's you know,
taking that and applying that to them and saying, hey, look,
you guys are siblings. We got to be able to
work this out. You got kids, your uncles, your aunts.
What are they going to look at how are they
(09:36):
going to look at you guys fighting? How are they
going to take it on with their cousins their brother's business.
So that's the thing that I've always tried to do.
And like I said, even with being the oldest, that's
the biggest thing that I try to want to be
like that glue with my siblings, you know, and then
just keep carrying it on.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
How does it help you to fill that role, Chris?
What does it do to you to fill that role?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
It makes me feel so many different ways. It makes
me feel proud, but it also makes me feel encouraged,
right because I know if I can be there for them,
it encourages me to keep doing it and keep learning
and pushing myself to be open, not be one minded,
so that I can be there and be that symbol
(10:25):
you know that they can look up and say, you know,
especially from you know our father. You know, if he
lacked in that, that's fine. But here I am being
the oldest, then next for my father, looking like our father,
but I can connect that and make that glue. And
even if he didn't carry the mantle well, I can
carry it better or learn to carry it better.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
So if Chris, if you and I were to work
together in the outcome of that is you learn to
carry that mantle better, would you be pleased with that?
As an outcome.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yeah, I really would. I'll be pleased, and you know,
it'll all give me the courage to keep going, you know,
to keep learning, you know, to keep on you know,
being better person. I always think that we can always
be better. I always believe that every day we can
always be better ourselves, no matter what it is. One
of the things we probably talked about with financial things,
(11:18):
as long as you keep moving forward, if you make
it just ten dollars, if you do one thing good,
then matter that and then work on doing ten other
things just the same.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:28):
I want to use that as a principle of life,
with going through emotions and experiences.
Speaker 1 (11:37):
Well, okay, so I want to go back and just
kind of get to know a few parts of your story,
if that's okay.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
First of all, how many kids do you have?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
I got seven kids and seven grandchildren.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
And the kids are from what age to what age?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
From thirty six to eleven?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Okay, man seven, that's a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
It depends how you look at it.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
And you grew up in Boston, so.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Yeah, I grew up in Boston. So how my story begins.
The family that got adopted to were my daycare. They
were That's how I got associated with them. My mom
found a daycare. They became my daycare, and then my
grandmother my adopt The grandmother ran the daycare. Her daughter
(12:30):
ended up reporting my mom to Department Social Service about
some of the bad conditions that, you know, when I
would come over, I'd be you know, smelly or you know,
diapers or whatever. Because my mom was young. She was
nineteen when she had me, and she already had my brother,
so she was struggling a little bit. But the state
(12:51):
decided that my daycare would become my foster family. So
my grandmother was see my foster mothers first, and then
I just stayed with them and then and then later
on they became my adopted family. Especially after when my
mom passed away, I was still up for adoption. I
(13:13):
don't know. I don't know the full story of why
anybody from my biological family didn't step up. I guess
they just figured I was all right. I don't know
that full story. But I got adopted around eight years
old because it was time. They were just like, hey,
you've been here with this family so long, what are
(13:34):
you going to do? So they were just like, you
gotta choose who's going to be your adopted mother, and
I don't know some wisdom, I chose my mom that
I have now.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
They came to an eight year old kid and said,
you got to choose who's going to be your mom.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah. Yeah, because okay back in the day, you know,
because that was the thirty eighties. I remember when it
came and chose laugh sometimes because I had the choice.
I remember logically thinking, she's my nana, you know, I
always see as my nana. And I was like, I
(14:10):
don't think she's you know, young enough to handle me.
I don't know how I came up with that logic.
Someone else was thinking for me, but I chose. I
chose her daughter to be my mom.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
At what age did you realize that I'm away from
my family?
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Yeah? I always did. I knew I had brothers, and
I didn't know that I had a sister because I
didn't know the whole tragedy story. I guess in their minds,
they never wanted to tell me the full truth of
what happened. They always told me, you know, God took
your mom away, and we were heavily into, you know,
being Catholic. The family that raised me was from Saint Lucia,
(14:49):
we're in the church. But but I never understood when
they was telling me, how can you tell me that
God took my mom away? But it's supposed to be
a merciful god, you know. That was one of the
things that confused me growing up being in the church
and trying to listen to that. And then one of
(15:12):
the things that had bothered me, which led to me
being in therapy, was why don't my family come for me?
You know? But I never got straight answers. But later
on in life, I found out that my adopted family
got attached to me and didn't want to lose me.
When my adopted mom moved to a different residence, they
(15:35):
never told my family where I went. My grandmother did.
They just kept it a secret. You know. I guess that,
you know, the affair was like of losing me. But
you know, when you're a kid, you don't know all
those things. You don't know the backstories, right. I remember
always wanting to have a sister. I don't know why.
(15:55):
I just always wanted to have a sister. I don't
know why. That was angry child being separated. I was
trying to figure out, like, why are you telling me
God took my mom. But it supposed to be merciful God.
You know. It was just so confusing. And then I
got in trouble, you know, being out you know, the
street to Boston. I got locked up. I was out
(16:17):
in Waltham somewhere, locked up, dys whatever. And I remember
my sister had told me because somehow it got brought up.
I said, yeah, I know I have older sisters, but
I said I always wish I had a younger sister.
And my one of my doctor's sisters said, you did
have a sister. And I was like, what what do
(16:37):
you mean. I was like, well, I was twelve years
old now. I was like, what are you talking about?
And she was like, you did have a sister. You
lost her, And I'm like, what is going on? When
did this happen? Luckily I was locked up because it
threw me, you know, into an anger fit, you know.
And that's one of the things, you know, and taking
away from like our sessions, and I always try for
(17:01):
the truth of things, no matter what, and even like
with my siblings and even with my children, I always
try to tell them the truth. It's because the truth
was hidden from me for the longest time. I didn't
find the truth until I was older. I was in
my thirties when you asked me what I take from it.
(17:21):
I always want to know the truth, no matter how
hard it is with my siblings, and hey, I'll tell
you my truth, tell you my story, and take it
from there because it's a learning experience.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Can you take me back to when you were twelve
and you found out you had a sister while you
were locked up, you said it took you to an
anger fit. How did you deal with that? So now
I have an eight year old who has to choose
his family, and now you're locked up. When you get
you get another bit of truth at twelve that you
had a sister? How did you deal with that?
Speaker 2 (18:09):
I didn't like I said, I was luckily I was
locked up. I was. I had a anger fit, became violent.
You know I chose, you know me, I chose a
lot of violence when I was young. I had the
thought process when I was younger that it was easier
to be angry to to be happy, because I felt
(18:31):
at that time that every time I found out something
that I wanted to find out, it angered me because
it was so confusion of why can't y'all just tell
me the truth. Why can't y'all trust me to handle
the truth? You know? And here I am. One of
the things I remember. When I was young, I asked
(18:53):
my adopted grandmother, how did I ever know if I
was with you guys at a young age? Because I
was with them at like three months when they were
watching me. I said, how did I know? I had
a mom? All I remember is you guys. I can't
remember anything before my mom's death. I can't remember when
(19:18):
I was with my mom. I can't remember those things.
My brother they remember when I met my brothers, they
were like, oh, yeah, we used to hang out. I'm like, what,
I don't have that memory. All I remember is going
to Disney World when my mom passed away. My adopted
mom had already planned to take me to Disney World,
(19:39):
and that's all I remembered at that time. I don't
know what happened to my memory. My older brother, Kwan,
he used to tell me, yeah, we used to hang
out when we were younger. I used to try to
get you in trouble, and I'm like, I have no
memory of it.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
How old were you when your mom passed away?
Speaker 2 (19:57):
I was four years old. I remember like when I
asked my brother, I was like, you got so much
of a sensive memory, and I said, I don't. I
remember when I met him. We had to fill me
in on when we hang down and stuff like that,
but I don't remember till this day.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
How old were you when you felt like you got
the whole truth? You got bits of truth along the way.
How old were you when you felt like you got
the whole truth?
Speaker 2 (20:22):
About twenty years ago, I found my biological family and
then you know, they sat me down, you know, you know,
family members, was like, hey, this is what this happened.
This is what this happened. I'm like what. And then
you know, I had to go back and ask questions.
And at the time from my adopted mom, I had
to ask her some questions, some tough questions. I said,
meeting my real family, they're telling me things that now
(20:45):
I need clarification. And I said, I'm not. I said,
I'm too old to get the whole grudges. I'm I'm
past that. I just want to know what was the answer.
So I was like about about thirty four years old.
Speaker 1 (20:58):
To be thirty four years old and finally get the truth,
how did that make a difference in your life?
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Going through what I've been through in life, I can
say I was more acceptable, like I was more able
to accept things, you know, not past blames. I think
at that time, I had been through one war, so
you know, in the military. I was in the military.
I was involved in Cuasut for war. Okay, So for me,
(21:30):
I was thankful for life. You know. I looked at
things differently because I had the win the war, and
then it's like, man, we made it through this craziness.
But when I found out, I was just like, Okay,
I just want to know the truth.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
You know.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
I'm not trying to blame nobody. I don't want to
have no regrets, especially when I met my family and
my dad. My dad didn't have his name on my
birth certificate, so I never knew my dad's name. He
just kept up with my real family. How my family
was found, I had an ex girlfriend in the Navy
(22:07):
and Skim, the FBI agent. She's the one that found
the family for me. When she found the family, I said,
when I met everybody, I was just happy to close
a chapter because I was always trying to look for
my family. I didn't know how many brothers and sisters
I had from my dad's side. I only knew from
(22:27):
my mom's side. It was just a new beginning. So
for me, I didn't I didn't walk into this with
any like anger. I didn't walk into it, you know,
with any animosity. I just wanted to know who I was.
And to me, that was the thing, was like finding
(22:49):
myself like who I was. It was just confirmation of
things that I didn't it because, you know, from my
adoptive family, they would tease me, oh, how do you
know your Puerto Rican And I'm like my dad, you know,
you know, like you know kids you know could be kids,
you know.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
So once I found that, I had to say, don't
bring no anger into this. You went through life, You're
had a new chapter, you found your family. Now let's
just stop learning. Just walk into it with open minds,
open heart.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
And if you woke up tomorrow and you're just taking
another step into being a better person, how would you
notice it? What would be the first clue that would
tell you I'm not perfect, I've had this crazy journey,
but I've taken another step into being the best version
of me. How would you notice that?
Speaker 2 (23:41):
How I deal with things like today in life, when
I get knocked down if things don't go my way.
I don't have that anger like I used to when
I was younger or in my twenties. I'm more open.
I'm always looking for the brighter things, even though I know,
you know, if I hear something that's bad, whatever it
may be, I'm still just happy that I'm here. I'm
(24:04):
able to experience it. I'm able to sit back and
try to listen more. What's that that new TikTok Oh?
We listen but we don't judge.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Yeah, you know, Yeah, I saw that.
Speaker 2 (24:18):
It's kind of that concept, you know, listening, don't judge,
knowing that, hey, things happen, and I just, you know,
I always try to stay happy. A lot of people
always look at me and like, like, today's my birthday,
and they be like, oh, you're fifty two years old.
I didn't think it was fifty two. Like, yeah, I'm
fifty two. They say, how do you do it? I said,
(24:38):
it's definitely not eating, because I like to eat. But
I said, it's just being happy. I just like being happy,
and I search for my inner piece. That's the biggest thing.
More and more, I gain, you know, bigger, bigger, inner piece,
to be able to deal with everything and to be
level minded. That's how I would look at it.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Is today actually your birthday, yeah, oh wow, happy birthday? Yeah,
thank you, and this waking up tomorrow just a little
bit better with inner peace and happiness. Who would be
the first person other than yourself to notice it?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
I think anybody and everybody that knows me, because of
the fact that people know how I am. Like at work,
i am known as happy Feet. That's my nickname is
happy Feet. I love the movie Happy Feet, so I'm
always doing a little dancing, you know, like hey, you know,
so that's me. But if I'm ever off, If I
(25:36):
had a day off, everybody knows, like, oh, what's wrong
with happy Feet? Dad, what's going on? And I could
be like, no, I'm all right, I'm just mayby in
deep thought. Oh but you're always you know, sitchever. Oh no, no,
I'm good. I have to explain it because they everybody
knows when I go throughout my dad I'm a happy person.
So if something is wrong, people would know because I'm
(25:56):
always there for people, always trying to joke with people.
My sense of humor is crazy. It goes from one
backroom to the other. I could be dark. I I
just like humor. I like to laugh and that's me.
So if there's a moment where if I'm too quiet, yeah, people, Hey, hey,
what's going on?
Speaker 1 (26:16):
When are you gonna go see your twin daughter? The
daughters in Virginia that you have to kind of help
with the situation.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
Well, I got twins sons tomorrow, I'm driving up tonight,
I'm going to Georgia to see Gladys and then I'll
be in Virginia Saturday morning.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
How would they notice that you've taken another step in
bettering yourself and connecting with them. How would they notice
that something has changed because you've gotten just a little
bit better.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
How my response is because they always like my For instance,
I was just talking to now the fight is between
my youngest daughter and one of the twins Lumba boys.
But my daughter she said something that I was like,
oh okay. She said, you know when Kevin, when you
come up dad, because they have a disagreement, and she goes,
(27:03):
oh wait till your dad come up here. He told
me you're like the only adult that he will not
swear at. He maintains is. You know, he'll go off
on everybody else, but he gives you a lot of respect.
So she was like, yeah, you wait till he does
come up here. So that's the thing, Like, like I
could keep it even kill with my kids, even if
I addressed them. You know, I'm always happy if if
(27:27):
I was to ever address them out of anger or
or you know, miss they would know like something is
wrong with Dad, Like that's not Dad.
Speaker 1 (27:39):
How would they know that something was right with Dad
and getting right? Or how would they know there's something
right with Dad? And it seems to be.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
I think mostly like my responses, like when my responses
get better, or if I can like some learning here,
if I was able to address them in a different
way with a better explanation, then that's when they're know like, hey,
we brought up a new way. You know, he brought
(28:12):
up something new from what he you know, was saying before.
That's how well my kids know me, like my response
to them. They know I can say anything to my dad,
but for them, it's all about how he says it.
What way does he bring it up? You know, what
new way, what new saying did he bring And that's
(28:32):
how they would know.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
How would you know that you are doing a better job,
not that you were doing a bad job before, but
you were doing a better job of taking care of
that legacy, Like your children meet your legacy. How would
you know that you were doing an even better job
of attending to your legacy, ending down those positive things,
not just negative things.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
When I go up there, it's when they listen to
what I'm telling them of how to be siblings, when
they start working together more and they're like, okay, you know,
like because I understand it's a growing process as they
get older, but when they start sitting there and saying,
you know what, Dad's right. For instance, my youngest daughter,
(29:14):
I was always telling her, you think life is so hard.
You're just going through high school. I said, wait till
you graduate high school. Being an adult, it's hard. It's
not the same. You got so much responsibility. I remember
my daughter told me, Dad, you think you know it all.
And I told her, it's not that I know it all.
I only tell you what I know from my experience.
(29:36):
Whatever I don't know, I will tell you, hey, let's
figure it out. It's just knowing the experience that I've
been through and I pass it on to you. And
that's that thing like once, you know, when I've gained
new experience, when I gain something new of how to
approach someone differently, I said, like learning from my siblings,
(29:57):
learning how to approach them differently than I can approach
my kids differently and say, okay, I can relate to
you better, and here's my better response. Maybe two months
ago I was saying this, but now it's different because
I've learned something new. So now why don't you think
(30:17):
about it this way and giving it to them a
different perspective?
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Would that feel good for you?
Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah? I would, especially when they get it. It's like
when you teach. I was an instructor, but it's it's
you know, I know it's different for you know, like
when you're teaching adults, but still it's always when you're
trying to teach someone something. And then when they get that,
oh I got it, you're like, yeah, you feel more
confident because now you know they got it, They've gained
(30:47):
confidence and knowledge, and then you gained confidence because you
found a new way to get to them. Right, because
everybody you know is different in these day names So
when they can learn and understand like, oh, oh yeah,
that was that was my bad. Let me take And
that's the thing I want to pass down to my kids.
One of the things is also teaching them make sure
(31:10):
you accept your responsibility of what you do in life,
whether it's good or bad. Make sure you know you're
able to accept your responsibilities to your actions.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
How would Gladys notice that a better version of her
brother has showed up?
Speaker 2 (31:24):
Oh? Trust, Like I said, you know, just like with
my work is, God has knows how I feel. She
can see it in me, she.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Can just gotcha. Well, Chris, we're about out of time.
Can I ask you to do something actually to somethings? Okay,
when you're on this trip, I want you to notice
your children and your sister. I want you to notice
(31:55):
them enjoying you. I want you to notice them like
being pleased that you're around. I think you've had I
don't think I've ever met anybody who had eight years
old they had to pick who their parents are going
to be. I wish someone would just tell me the truth.
(32:15):
Why is nobody trusted me with the truth. He was
being told bits and pieces of the truth along the way,
but he didn't get the whole truth until he was
in his thirties. That gives you a certain level of
wisdom that I want you to kind of catch yourself
sharing with your kids and with your siblings, and in
some ways it doesn't really matter whether they get it
(32:37):
right away, but just having you around, having gone through
all of that and be so positive and connected to them.
I want you to feel like these people really like
that I'm around. Given where you've been through, that's got
to matter to you. And I want you to live
in that truth for a minute. I want you to
enjoy that. When I was eight years old, I had
(32:59):
to chew lose my family. But now I'm in this
family and these people are consistently choosing me and that
must feel good. I want you to enjoy that. I
want you to notice the impact it has on you.
I'm good enough, I'm what the people around me want
and enjoyed. Notice them relishing you in that way.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
Yeah, because I know, like Michel Ladis, even though you
know I was just coming up to spend a little
bit of Bob, she was like, ah, I could just
kill my brother.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Oh yeah, how do you think we did today?
Speaker 2 (33:32):
They're good? They're good. They're good.
Speaker 1 (33:37):
As we close this session with Chris, I'm left reflecting
on the courage it takes to lead from a place
of openness. Chris has lived through separation, confusing and abandonment,
but instead of letting bitterness take root, He's choosing to
be the glue that keeps his family connected, even when
the past didn't offer him the same stability for everyone, Listen,
(34:00):
I want to invite you into a moment of reflection. Family,
even in its complicated imperfect form, is one of the
first places where legacy is created, and preserving that legacy
often starts with one person deciding to take the reins
and show up differently. Here are a few questions you
can ask yourself as you think about your own relationships
(34:23):
and the role you play within them. What does leadership
look like in my family and how am I contributing
to it intentionally or not? Where can I choose understanding
over assumption in the ways I approach the people I love?
(34:49):
What truths or stories from my past could help strengthen
the next generation if I share them honestly? What will
my my legacy be not in terms of achievement, but
in the relationships I nurture and the connections I preserve.
(35:10):
Chris reminds us that leadership isn't always loud. Sometimes it's
simply the willingness to learn about your people, love them
through their differences, and intentionally pass down the tools you
never received. Thank you for joining us today. I hope
this conversation encourages you to take one step towards strengthening
the bonds that build your own family's legacy. I would
(35:34):
love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family,
and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM connect
with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can
also send me a text message to nine seven two
four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is
a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect Podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Sepe. It's produced by
(35:56):
Jack Queish Thomas and the executive producer, Dolly sa Bishop.
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
(36:18):
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
specific concern or questions you may have
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