December 17, 2025 • 38 mins
WHO IS JASMINE? Jasmine shares her hopes of managing her boundaries and healing through saying 'no' to others. She reflects on her transformation from reacting aggressively to choosing calm responses, igniting her healing journey. Jasmine explores how she knows she is on her healing path by feeling healthier and maintaining positive changes in her life. Through an engaging conversation, Jasmine expresses her desire to build a supportive village, move to Atlanta, and maintain the changes she’s manifesting in her life. This episode offers valuable insights for anyone learning to set boundaries and striving for a healthier future.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Eliot Khanni and this is Family Therapy. Welcome back
to the Family Therapy Podcast. I'm your host, Elliot Khanni,
and today we're sitting with someone whose story I believe
will resonate deeply with so many of you listening. Today
you'll meet Jasmine, a woman doing the incredibly hard and
(00:24):
courageous work of learning how to find comfort in healthy
environments after setting boundaries. And if you've ever tried to
shift the way you show up in your family, your relationships,
or your friendships, then you already know setting the boundary
is one step, but learning how to live in the
new space you've created is a whole different kind of journey.
(00:47):
In this conversation, Jasmine reflects on how anxiety shows up
in her body, how her faith and spiritual practices steadied her,
and how she's slowly learning to differentiate other people's emotional
bag from her own. She talks about choosing prayer before panic,
regulating her thoughts before reacting, and discovering that peace doesn't
(01:09):
always show up as silence. Sometimes it shows up as laughter,
or distance, or a small shift in how she breathes
after a triggering moment. This episode is about healing yes,
but more specifically, it's about the type of healing that
happens when you give yourself permission to stop carrying weight
that was never yours in the first place. Well, what's
(01:35):
been better since we last matched?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
What's been better? I don't think anything. I think everything's
either been neutral or intense.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Okay, how are you pleased about the way you're showing
up as you deal with things being neutral or intense? Like?
What do you please about the way you're showing up
to handle these things?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
I'm pleased that I'm now noticing that mentally I'm showing
up different and calmer. However, my body is reacting the same.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Can you give me an example of you showing up
different in calmer?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Well, as soon as I overthink, I'll use whatever tools
I've learned to calm myself down. I'll make sure not
to react so quickly and also insert a lot of grace.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
How do you do that?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
How do I do what?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Well? All of it? But the first step you said
was when I catch myself overthinking, I calm myself down.
How do you do that?
Speaker 2 (02:45):
I'll pray. I'll pray about it, so something that actually
I'll say, maybe with the last month. There's so a
situation with a family member of mine. I noticed that
because it's not my problem, I don't want to take
it all in. But because this person is very close
to me, I see and feel how it's affecting them.
(03:08):
I'm noticing that I'm suppressing those feelings. When it got
to a certain point, I was extremely overstimulated, and I
immediately prayed about it. Usually I would call my sister
or my mom, and I did speak to both my
sister and my mom. But I first started using tools.
(03:30):
I started using breathing techniques. I prayed about it, which
called me down, and then I just started using certain
things that's just happened to be in my algorithm in
regards to suicide and stuff. I started using those tactics,
and that was extremely helpful.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Is there a certain prayer that you say or is
it different for each situation?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Oh? No, it's extremely personal. It's always different.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Always different, Okay, And most people, Jasmin, they struggle, like
most people are very reactive. But you were saying, when
I catch myself being an overthinker, even you know, wanting
to respond, I slow myself down and pray. How do
you most people struggle to do that because we're so reactive,
(04:18):
we actually react before we even think, what are you doing? Differently?
That's allowing you to stay calm in essence and then
do the thing that you know helps you. Well.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
What I started doing, which I didn't want to do,
was reading the Bible more and getting a personal relationship
with God. Not to sound so cliche, but that's literally
the only method that has worked, and because I've inserted
it into my daily practices, that is something that I'll
(04:53):
automatically turn to. I've noticed.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
How do you know it's working.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Because I'm changed immediately, Like even my heart, Like when
I get anxiety. The year that my sister passed away
in twenty twelve, I would have to be hospitalized for
anxiety attacks. That's why I say my body is reacting
the same. My heart will beat really fast, I'll iberentolate
when it's extremely serious, which makes me nervous because it's
(05:23):
like my body's trying to warn me for something major
that's coming up. That's how it usually is, and that's
how I feel. I've realized that I get even more anxious,
especially since I think I mentioned how when my sister
first passed away, I would have a reoccurring nightmare for
(05:43):
four years, and the same feeling I had once my
sister passed. I had that same feeling when my uncle
passed on my birthday, and the same feeling when my
grandmother passed like the year before my uncle. So once
my brother, I had all these like premonitions. I'll say
in regards to my brother, that's when I think I
(06:07):
just hit rock bottom. And because I was like, oh
my gosh, I know this feeling, this is too real.
I don't like this feeling, but I know it's my
body and my mental trying to warn me about something.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Right.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
So that's kind of what transpired over the weeknd or
this past week. I'm not saying this is what's going
to happen. I'm just trying to calm myself down. Yeah,
I'm so used to praying and going to God. Even
if it feels like I'm just talking to myself. It
still works. Meditating, reading therapy books or just trying to
(06:44):
redirect to my thoughts. It's all working.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
And this weekend specifically, how did you realize it was working?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
So instead of going to my mother and my sister
freaking out because I know prior that's who I would
go to when i'd freak out or my anxiety was
kicking in. But now I'm learning that's stressful on them.
You know, I don't want to put that on anybody else.
So before doing that, I went to them differently, and
(07:17):
I've already my brain. My mentality was different. How I
spoke was different and not so anxious. And because I
know what it feels like to have somebody worry and
then it's put on me, I know what this secondhand
worry feels like, and it doesn't feel good. So I
(07:37):
didn't want to do that to them. However, because of
the severity of things I did want to get their advice.
In regards to my mom, I had her look up
some Bible scriptures for me to send or some like
type of something. I think it's not a washtout like
(07:57):
a pamphlet that talks about happiness to the family member,
just using the tools that I've been learning in regards
to certain trigger words in regards to whatever the case
may be. So I'm trying to use those tactics so
I know I'm doing everything I can. Because I also
learned when I do feel like there's a calling for me,
(08:21):
I put it off. I put it off onto somebody else.
That's what I think. I don't know. I'm like, oh
my gosh, I want to do this. So I ended up.
I tried to push it off, and I was like, oh,
can you can you come visit? I went to another
family member of ours, which is their sibling. I'm like,
(08:42):
can you come visit our sibling? Because I think you
know I'm nervous and they can't. So I like, all
right now, I get it. I hear you.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
God.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So I've just been checking in doing everything that I can,
you know, and not trying to be overwhelmed. I can't
let other people's stuff affect me.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
This much, gotcha? So what do you hope to get
from talking to me today?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Clarity on how to do just that, not taking other
people's baggage.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's a good word. We can use baggage.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
How would I say baggage in a positive way? Because
I don't want that to sound offensive. I still want
people to be able to vent to me when they
need to. However, I don't want them to feel like
it's baggage, or me to feel like it's baggage.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
What if the simple fact that it belongs to someone
else makes it baggage, all right?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
And he is reality?
Speaker 1 (09:54):
And what if it being baggage isn't the worst thing
in the world. Okay, how would you handle it then
if you knew the fact that it belongs to someone
else is exactly what makes it baggage. But it's okay
that I view it as baggage, and I get to
(10:15):
decide whose baggage I want to let in versus whose
baggage I don't. How would that make a difference for
you if you were able to think about it in
that way?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
That makes a lot more sense. Because my brain is
just like, oh my gosh, I finally have my life together.
I don't want to hear about anybody else's problems, so
my brain automatically goes there. But that doesn't mean, like
you said, it doesn't mean that it's my baggage. Maybe
I can help them because I've been there, you know,
sort their baggage out, and I need to leave it there.
(10:47):
I just need to leave it there, go on with
my life. I guess. I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Much would that make it different for you if you
were able to be like, I can help you with
your baggage. But I'm just going to leave it there
and go on with my life because I worked so
hard to get myself in a position where like life
is pretty Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
What I'm hearing is, yeah, i'll help you, but I
still have to live my own life. That's how I
interpret that, and I know that's how my family would
take that as well. And there's we I'll say we
are so like you know, I forget it. I'll do
it myself, or forget it. I'll figure this out. I
don't want to come off that way either, but I
(11:26):
also don't want to be tiptoeing around everybody's feelings. But
I also want to be considered it. It's a lot
trying to compartmentalize.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
I'm going to be a little bit mean. Okay, ah, Okay,
you didn't answer my question.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Okay, I forget what's the question.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I wouldn't make a difference for you if you learn
to help people, but then be like, that's your baggage.
I have to leave it there and go live my life.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
That would make a tremendous difference. That's a tremendous change.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Okay, can you tell me about the tremendous difference part?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
What I felt in the thought of that was weight
potentially lifting off of me, okay, because I'm still giving
myself space to move forward and not to have to
put my baggage down to help somebody with theirs then
get back to mine.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
So did you experience that tremendous weight coming off? Did
you experience that as a positive thing?
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
And how pleased would you be, Jasmine? If you got
to live life with that weight.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Off you, that would be great. But it doesn't seem tangible.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
It might not be just yet, we'll see, but if
it were to happen, you'd be pleased.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Yeah. Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
What would be different about you?
Speaker 2 (12:57):
If he's happier.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Who's the closest person to you.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
My mom?
Speaker 1 (13:03):
How would your mom notice that you were happier.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Because I'm further away because I'm focused on me.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
How would she notice that? Would you stop checking in?
Would you not return her text message? Like? What would
be her clue that would say, huh, Jaen's further away
than she usually.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Is because I'm not showing up. If I was there,
I'd be under everybody, doing stuff for everybody. I just
came home from Atlanta, for example, and I want to
visit my mom and as soon as I sat down.
There was four people there and each of them asked
(13:43):
me for a favor before I even got to sit down,
and I'm like, what the hell Like I just got here,
so I have a difficulty saying no right. That's why
I say me being further away, she'll notice like, oh wow,
she was for real and she's changing.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
I'm almost nervous to ask you this because I feel
like this is where the tension might be. How would
your mother respond to you being further away and recognizing
she's changing? How would your mom respond to that?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
She has to respect it, the new version that my
mother's becoming, because last year was different. But this new
version I see because of me changing. I can see
like my mom chamie a little bit and it's worth it,
(14:39):
but she has to respect it. And she's more proud
of me for sticking to my nose in a sense,
because I'm learning. I get this from her me trying
to please everybody, and I I think she's proud of
(15:01):
me because she'll say it. Sometimes she'll use it against me,
but even her saying it right, that's all I know.
I'm changing because especially because she's saying it, what does
she say She's proud of me. She's acknowledging, like this
time last year, I was supposed to be down South.
(15:24):
She did not want me to go. She even was
willing to pay half my rent when she didn't. But
it's fine, you know. She used every tactic to get
me to stay, and unfortunate events happened where outside of
her begging, I had to stay in regards to my
(15:46):
son's schooling, his father trying some stuff or whatever. But
now from that, I also learned maybe it wasn't my time,
but I am going to get there, and over this
past year everything's fall into place the way it should.
Still scared, I will believe it once I'm there. But
even just my mom saying the other day, well, now
(16:08):
that I can't keep you any longer, and I'm like,
I know it, I know. So I'm like you, yeah,
I'm glad, you know. And that kind of gives me
confirmation that I can leave now, I can go because
she's not holding on anymore. She's not, you know, it
(16:30):
is a relief to even hear that.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Wow, And what does it do to you when your mom,
because if I heard you right, you said like this
people pleaserr thing kind of gets in my way. I
got that from my mother. So it makes me wonder
when your mom sees you changing, as you said, she's like,
proud of you, but she must be observing that Jasmine
(16:55):
is doing this thing that even I didn't do.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Oh no, I absolutely see that, especially with the thing's
going on in that household and I don't want them,
but you know, you know, but now it's all coming
to the forefront. I think that's why she's proud of me,
because she's still trying to be a people pleaser. Like
my grandmother used to say. I've never seen days like
(17:19):
this and the things that are just unveiling. I'm just
grateful not to be a part of. And it's because
I'm sticking to what Jasmine needs.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
What does it do to you when your mom expresses
that she's proud of you.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I'm grateful, of course. I think it lets me know
I'm doing the right thing. Especially lets me know I'm
on the right path, even if I didn't get that validation.
I know at one point I was looking for it,
but now I'm.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Like, so, you're not looking for it now, but when
it comes, You're like, that's a clue to me that
I'm on the right path? Right? Do you enjoy getting
that clue?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
It doesn't bother me. I mean, it's great if I
got it, but it's just validation that I don't necessarily need. It,
just lets me know I'm doing the right thing, that's all.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Yeah. But does that feel good? I mean, whether it's
coming from my home or not, Like just knowing them
on the right path, does that feel good? Is that
a good thing? Oh?
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Yeah, for sure?
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Okay, And you mentioned like when you go over there,
even before you sat down, there was like four people
asking you for favors. How would the people that typically
ask you for favors respond to this new version of jazzmine?
Speaker 2 (18:39):
They're changing as well. That's how I know it's working.
I actually expressed it to my daughter. She was one
of them, but I'll do anything for her, but e've
ben expressing that. It was actually before I went down south.
I noticed during our trip down there, she started doing
(19:01):
her own thing, and I'm like, I'm offended. You don't
need your mama so so yeah, so I had to
I'm like, no, this is her showing me like, all right,
let me not depend on my mom so much. Because
as soon as I walked and she's like, oh, can
(19:22):
you make me eggs and da da da da? Or
can you do this or whatever? Or can you take
me here? Especially when we were out there and I'm like,
all right now, I'm accommodating you and it's messing up
my plans, you know. But she used to be in
such a brat about it. So she started doing her
own thing, and I'm like, okay, she's trying to be spiteful.
But then she would text me let me know where
(19:45):
she was, called me to make sure I'm okay, and
I'm like, wait, this is healthy. She you know, she's
I guess she's respecting my boundaries in a sense. But
I'm so used to like, no, I'll do it have
an attitude. I took it as like I don't know,
like she don't need me, no war, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
How did that impact you to be like, she don't
need me anymore. She's doing her own thing, but wait,
this is healthy.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
It was a ball of different emotions. I didn't know
how to feel. I was offended, I was sad, I
was happy. I was proud because we had a little
bit of tiff, and I, you know, I stated how
I felt and the way I would have responded to
my mom is how I thought she was responding to me.
(20:38):
My brain was like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stay
out and I'm not gonna I want her to worry,
you know something like that. No was, yeah, she was
making sure. She's like, you know, making sure you're going
to bed or you're okay. I'm just saying, you know,
I'm over here, I'm in that like whatever, and I'm like,
what the hell, I'm like, okay, you know, I thought
(20:59):
we were arguing, you know, so I'm like, all right,
So I just assumed because I expressed how I felt
in regards to the little attitude or whatever, I thought
it was gonna blow up in my face and I
was ready for anument. But she respected it. She even
(21:20):
overdid herself, letting me know where she's at. She's twenty
one now. So I'm like, and it's been great. So
it's been it's been lovely. It feels weird, but it
feels healthy.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
How did your daughter end up being the one to
kind of navigate this space in a healthy way.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Everybody says, she's like my sister alexis, like, she looks
like her. She's bubbly. Everybody loves her. My nephew is
just like me. It's crazy. We used to say that
to each other. She used to say thank you for
having my daughter, and I would say, thank you for
having my son. I want a boy. She wanted a girl.
(22:20):
My daughter and Alexis were so close. My daughter was
nine I think when she passed, and now she's twenty one,
so literally spitting image in every which way because she
didn't get it from me.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
How do you know?
Speaker 2 (22:41):
And her father hasn't ever been in the picture right,
And even like with conversations I've had with her in
regards to me and her father, she's just so perfect,
Like I don't even it's just I'm like, who like
my sister would be so proud, so proud. So I
(23:01):
don't know, I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Do you tell her your friend?
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah, all the time, all the time.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
And when you were having all of those emotions, which
of those did you share with your daughter?
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Oh? I haven't actually shared any yet because we've been
just great. I haven't even we spoke about things, but
I haven't recently. I don't know. And I might be
so happy about it, but she might feel all completely
different way.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
I don't know. You haven't shared the positive experiences, the
positive emotions you've had in result of the way she
was being.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
I think because I haven't. When I feel a certain way,
I will drag it. I will drag it out until
there's no more, and I'll still drag it. But because
I haven't, I think I don't know what she's thinking.
But I know we're great, we're better. I haven't yet
(23:57):
told her I'm proud of our communication and how things
are growing, but I know I will.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
How did you teach her to respect you, even to
respect your boundary? Like you totally thought there's gonna be
a fight coming, but she chose to respect you and
your boundary instead. How did you teach her to do that?
Speaker 2 (24:14):
The women in my life play no games, so I
just honestly mock them, honestly, and she'll tell me even
to this day, she's like, you are not the same
parent that you are with my brother, And I'm like,
I know, and I'm sorry because I know I was.
(24:37):
I was very I would give. I didn't tell her
no ever, but I would let her know you're not
going to disappoint me. So yeah, just very strong women
in my life that played no games, and I was
always like that with her. I don't know why.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Wow, it's another one of the questions I was asking.
I'm not sure you got an answer. How would you
notice that? Like I'm continuing to put down the people
pleasing and I'm continuing to move my life in a
way where I'm pleased where it's going, you know, like
I'm pleased where we're headed.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
I think because I am, I'm more emotionally invested in myself,
and I'm trying to regulate my thoughts and emotions. I
think three times before I act. That is going to
(25:38):
be the main thing that keeps me growing. I know
that because I hear it a lot more. I can't
wait to be in the space of peace where I
don't even react violently and I don't find I don't
want you to think I'm out here just being people up,
because I'm not.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
That's exactly what I thought.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
No, I've definitely been in altercations, but I've never ever
hit somebody first. I've never antagonized somebody. It's you have
to take me there, and people have taken me there.
It hasn't been often. It's usually the same because I'm
not reacting to that. How desperate people will go to
(26:19):
make me come out of character, and it's literally people
that I've raised or help raised, and it's not family,
and that I think that's what has hurt the most,
that it's people that have been close to me. Because
I'm not spiteful. I can't understand the concept of why
anybody would want to hurt me or do me dirty
(26:41):
or anything like that. So it's like, oh, you're intentionally
trying to hurt me and my teams. Oh no, okay
not actually, So that thought process that I've had for
so many years, especially since my siblings past, because they
were my protectors. So now I got to protect myself
and my kids and my siblings, those three will take
(27:04):
me out of character. So not being violent, not thinking violently,
and knowing that there's people out there that are willing
to do that unprovoked. So now that I know that,
I know I'm gonna be so much at peace. I'm
gonna start laughing. I can't wait to be that. So
(27:26):
that's what helps me know that I'm gonna grow and
get better because I'm like, all right, I can't wait
to laugh and respond this time Yeah. Once I start laughing,
I'm gonna have a newer level, higher level to get to.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
If you notice yourself laughing, oh, I haven't yet, but
I mean, like going forward, if you notice yourself laughing more,
that would be a huge clue to you. Absolutely, I'm
continuing become the version of Jasmine that I want to be.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Yes, because I've seen people do it. They reached that
level of peace, and that takes a lot to get there,
So I can't wait to be there.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
And once you get there, you'll probably find that the
next thing that you would want, but you would first like, hey,
I'm laughing more. Yes, what do you imagine would be
the kinds of things that we're making you laugh?
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Stupidity? People just acting stupid like because after let me
not say that, there's been times where I have laughed,
people have tried to pull me out of character so
bad they start saying the weirdest things that make absolutely
no sense, and so I just am like, oh, okay,
(28:32):
now you're lying, you know, like that type of deal, right,
and that will help me walk away. So it's usually
stuff like that. It will literally be so acidine that
all I can do is laugh.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
How different would that be for you to start laughing
in those kind of acidine stupid situations.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
That would be the ultimate That's when I know I've
reached peace, like ultimate piece, and I know there's even further. Yeah,
but once I hate ultimate peace. Oh man, please don't
bring me back.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah. Who would Who would be the first person to
notice that you were at ultimate peace before you even
said anything?
Speaker 2 (29:19):
My kids? My mom?
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Yeah, which one of your kids is the most observant,
most likely to see?
Speaker 2 (29:30):
First Judge, he'll notice it and tell me.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
He's like, I guess nine, the judge. He would tell
you even at seven mm hmm, what would he say?
Speaker 2 (29:46):
And he'll be so surprised, like you're being nice to
me today, mama, Or even if which I think I
am all the time, but even if I yell at
him or be like, pick up your stuff. I told you,
He'll like, WHOA, don't be mean, mama. I'm just like,
you're right, please pick up And he helps me reevaluate
(30:09):
how I'm speaking that I'm starting to get used to
it to where I'm like, Judja, I already spoke to you,
let's get your stuff up, so like, oh, you're being
nice today, or you know, stuff like that. My daughter,
she'll probably hug me awkwardly something like that.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Do you enjoy hugs from her? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
I always enjoy her love from them?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
And how do you imagine this version of you parenting
Judjah would change his life? Like what would be around mom?
That is like laughing more, having that new level of
peace that would make him say, Mamma, you're being nice
to me. How do you imagine that would change that
little guy's future?
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Oh, tremendously. He's the reason why I have been on
this journey in this path. Raising boys is extremely difficult,
and even having to now technically share time even though
it's like, you know, not often, but I'm so used
(31:13):
to just having my kids all the time, or them
with my siblings or something right, So it's just being
around him and seeing him changed, and I don't want
like he's autistic, so his brain is so exceptional extreme,
like he feels everything, so he explains it in every
(31:39):
which way, even on how he feels. It's just been
a great journey and a learning experience. I know I'm
doing well when I see the changes in him, I
know I'm doing the right thing.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Would you be proud of yourself? As a mom for that.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
Oh yeah, I know I'm a great parent. I know that.
I know that it is and it is tough, but
I know that's just something in me. I have to
be that. I just have to.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
So if you already know you're a great parent, and
by the way, I'm not disputing that at all, what
kind of parent do you think you'll be when you
have that new level a piece? If you already like,
I'm a great parent now, but how would you like
what would you think of the way you parented when
you had that new level of peace?
Speaker 2 (32:31):
I don't know a better parent. Yeah, I know my
son's gonna change and he needs it. I honestly do
it more for him because he needs it. I don't
mind being an a hole, but him, Oh no, he's
a young black boy about to be a black man,
and he can't go into the world not understanding emotions.
(32:55):
He can be upset and angry whenever he feels no,
I have no. That's like a mission, that's an endless mission.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
So that's really important to you.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
So I don't mind kicking back and cutting everybody off.
But seriously, because of him, That's why I'm in therapy.
Because of him like, I'm here literally and it's I
hate to say that, but literally because of him, I'm
here and I have to do better. Because he's a
(33:25):
young black boy. I just have to right.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Wow. Well, hey, Jasmine, would you I'm so moved and
touched by to what degree Jajah drives all of this
desire to change for you? Between now and the next
time we talk, I want you to catch yourself purposefully
(33:53):
being closer to that new level of peace. Pay attention
to Jujah and see how he responds. The quickest way
for you to get there is to practice being it,
even before it's actually real. Practice being it and notice
the impact even when it shows up just a little bit.
(34:15):
Can you do that?
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Yes, I'll practice it.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
I love it. First thing you did when you said
you practice it is you laughed. Okay, So just pay
attention to it and see how your young seven year
old responds to it.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Okay. Well, thank you, Jasmin, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
What a powerful session with Jasmine. Her story reminds us
that growth isn't always loud. Sometimes it looks like not
reacting even when your body remembers the old way of surviving.
Sometimes growth looks like realizing that Helping someone doesn't require
holding what's hurting them. And maybe the biggest lesson from
(35:02):
today is this, when we set boundaries, we also have
to learn how to find comfort in the new, healthier
world we're building on the other side of those boundaries.
For anyone listening who deals with anxiety, guilt, or overthinking,
remember that healing is personal. The tools that work for
Jasmine may not look the same for you, and that's okay.
(35:24):
Your strategies might be spiritual, physical, creative, or internal. What
matters is that they help you return to yourself as
you reflect on this episode. Here are a few questions
you can ask yourself the next time anxiety rises or
your boundaries are being tested. When I feel anxiety or
(35:46):
overwhelm in my body, what is the first gentle thing
I can do to support myself in that moment? Am
I carrying something that doesn't actually belong to me? How
(36:07):
do I know when I'm moving toward peace instead of
away from myself? Who in my life would notice my
growth first? And what might they see? Healing doesn't require perfection.
(36:30):
It requires awareness, compassion, and the willingness to keep showing
up for yourself. The way Jasmine is learning to show
for herself. Thank you for listening, and thank you to
Jasmine for sharing her journey with us. Until next time,
take care of yourselves and take care of your peace.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at elliott' speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seven
two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by
(37:26):
Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
Bishop. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the
iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider of patient relationship.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or
health team for any specific concern or questions you may
have
I'm Eliot Khanni and this is Family Therapy. Welcome back
to the Family Therapy Podcast. I'm your host, Elliot Khanni,
and today we're sitting with someone whose story I believe
will resonate deeply with so many of you listening. Today
you'll meet Jasmine, a woman doing the incredibly hard and
(00:24):
courageous work of learning how to find comfort in healthy
environments after setting boundaries. And if you've ever tried to
shift the way you show up in your family, your relationships,
or your friendships, then you already know setting the boundary
is one step, but learning how to live in the
new space you've created is a whole different kind of journey.
(00:47):
In this conversation, Jasmine reflects on how anxiety shows up
in her body, how her faith and spiritual practices steadied her,
and how she's slowly learning to differentiate other people's emotional
bag from her own. She talks about choosing prayer before panic,
regulating her thoughts before reacting, and discovering that peace doesn't
(01:09):
always show up as silence. Sometimes it shows up as laughter,
or distance, or a small shift in how she breathes
after a triggering moment. This episode is about healing yes,
but more specifically, it's about the type of healing that
happens when you give yourself permission to stop carrying weight
that was never yours in the first place. Well, what's
(01:35):
been better since we last matched?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
What's been better? I don't think anything. I think everything's
either been neutral or intense.
Speaker 1 (01:47):
Okay, how are you pleased about the way you're showing
up as you deal with things being neutral or intense? Like?
What do you please about the way you're showing up
to handle these things?
Speaker 2 (02:03):
I'm pleased that I'm now noticing that mentally I'm showing
up different and calmer. However, my body is reacting the same.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Can you give me an example of you showing up
different in calmer?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Well, as soon as I overthink, I'll use whatever tools
I've learned to calm myself down. I'll make sure not
to react so quickly and also insert a lot of grace.
Speaker 1 (02:35):
How do you do that?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
How do I do what?
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Well? All of it? But the first step you said
was when I catch myself overthinking, I calm myself down.
How do you do that?
Speaker 2 (02:45):
I'll pray. I'll pray about it, so something that actually
I'll say, maybe with the last month. There's so a
situation with a family member of mine. I noticed that
because it's not my problem, I don't want to take
it all in. But because this person is very close
to me, I see and feel how it's affecting them.
(03:08):
I'm noticing that I'm suppressing those feelings. When it got
to a certain point, I was extremely overstimulated, and I
immediately prayed about it. Usually I would call my sister
or my mom, and I did speak to both my
sister and my mom. But I first started using tools.
(03:30):
I started using breathing techniques. I prayed about it, which
called me down, and then I just started using certain
things that's just happened to be in my algorithm in
regards to suicide and stuff. I started using those tactics,
and that was extremely helpful.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Is there a certain prayer that you say or is
it different for each situation?
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Oh? No, it's extremely personal. It's always different.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
Always different, Okay, And most people, Jasmin, they struggle, like
most people are very reactive. But you were saying, when
I catch myself being an overthinker, even you know, wanting
to respond, I slow myself down and pray. How do
you most people struggle to do that because we're so reactive,
(04:18):
we actually react before we even think, what are you doing? Differently?
That's allowing you to stay calm in essence and then
do the thing that you know helps you. Well.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
What I started doing, which I didn't want to do,
was reading the Bible more and getting a personal relationship
with God. Not to sound so cliche, but that's literally
the only method that has worked, and because I've inserted
it into my daily practices, that is something that I'll
(04:53):
automatically turn to. I've noticed.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
How do you know it's working.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
Because I'm changed immediately, Like even my heart, Like when
I get anxiety. The year that my sister passed away
in twenty twelve, I would have to be hospitalized for
anxiety attacks. That's why I say my body is reacting
the same. My heart will beat really fast, I'll iberentolate
when it's extremely serious, which makes me nervous because it's
(05:23):
like my body's trying to warn me for something major
that's coming up. That's how it usually is, and that's
how I feel. I've realized that I get even more anxious,
especially since I think I mentioned how when my sister
first passed away, I would have a reoccurring nightmare for
(05:43):
four years, and the same feeling I had once my
sister passed. I had that same feeling when my uncle
passed on my birthday, and the same feeling when my
grandmother passed like the year before my uncle. So once
my brother, I had all these like premonitions. I'll say
in regards to my brother, that's when I think I
(06:07):
just hit rock bottom. And because I was like, oh
my gosh, I know this feeling, this is too real.
I don't like this feeling, but I know it's my
body and my mental trying to warn me about something.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Right.
Speaker 2 (06:20):
So that's kind of what transpired over the weeknd or
this past week. I'm not saying this is what's going
to happen. I'm just trying to calm myself down. Yeah,
I'm so used to praying and going to God. Even
if it feels like I'm just talking to myself. It
still works. Meditating, reading therapy books or just trying to
(06:44):
redirect to my thoughts. It's all working.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
And this weekend specifically, how did you realize it was working?
Speaker 2 (06:52):
So instead of going to my mother and my sister
freaking out because I know prior that's who I would
go to when i'd freak out or my anxiety was
kicking in. But now I'm learning that's stressful on them.
You know, I don't want to put that on anybody else.
So before doing that, I went to them differently, and
(07:17):
I've already my brain. My mentality was different. How I
spoke was different and not so anxious. And because I
know what it feels like to have somebody worry and
then it's put on me, I know what this secondhand
worry feels like, and it doesn't feel good. So I
(07:37):
didn't want to do that to them. However, because of
the severity of things I did want to get their advice.
In regards to my mom, I had her look up
some Bible scriptures for me to send or some like
type of something. I think it's not a washtout like
(07:57):
a pamphlet that talks about happiness to the family member,
just using the tools that I've been learning in regards
to certain trigger words in regards to whatever the case
may be. So I'm trying to use those tactics so
I know I'm doing everything I can. Because I also
learned when I do feel like there's a calling for me,
(08:21):
I put it off. I put it off onto somebody else.
That's what I think. I don't know. I'm like, oh
my gosh, I want to do this. So I ended up.
I tried to push it off, and I was like, oh,
can you can you come visit? I went to another
family member of ours, which is their sibling. I'm like,
(08:42):
can you come visit our sibling? Because I think you
know I'm nervous and they can't. So I like, all
right now, I get it. I hear you.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
God.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So I've just been checking in doing everything that I can,
you know, and not trying to be overwhelmed. I can't
let other people's stuff affect me.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
This much, gotcha? So what do you hope to get
from talking to me today?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
Clarity on how to do just that, not taking other
people's baggage.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
That's a good word. We can use baggage.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
How would I say baggage in a positive way? Because
I don't want that to sound offensive. I still want
people to be able to vent to me when they
need to. However, I don't want them to feel like
it's baggage, or me to feel like it's baggage.
Speaker 1 (09:44):
What if the simple fact that it belongs to someone
else makes it baggage, all right?
Speaker 2 (09:51):
And he is reality?
Speaker 1 (09:54):
And what if it being baggage isn't the worst thing
in the world. Okay, how would you handle it then
if you knew the fact that it belongs to someone
else is exactly what makes it baggage. But it's okay
that I view it as baggage, and I get to
(10:15):
decide whose baggage I want to let in versus whose
baggage I don't. How would that make a difference for
you if you were able to think about it in
that way?
Speaker 2 (10:23):
That makes a lot more sense. Because my brain is
just like, oh my gosh, I finally have my life together.
I don't want to hear about anybody else's problems, so
my brain automatically goes there. But that doesn't mean, like
you said, it doesn't mean that it's my baggage. Maybe
I can help them because I've been there, you know,
sort their baggage out, and I need to leave it there.
(10:47):
I just need to leave it there, go on with
my life. I guess. I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Much would that make it different for you if you
were able to be like, I can help you with
your baggage. But I'm just going to leave it there
and go on with my life because I worked so
hard to get myself in a position where like life
is pretty Okay.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
What I'm hearing is, yeah, i'll help you, but I
still have to live my own life. That's how I
interpret that, and I know that's how my family would
take that as well. And there's we I'll say we
are so like you know, I forget it. I'll do
it myself, or forget it. I'll figure this out. I
don't want to come off that way either, but I
(11:26):
also don't want to be tiptoeing around everybody's feelings. But
I also want to be considered it. It's a lot
trying to compartmentalize.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
I'm going to be a little bit mean. Okay, ah, Okay,
you didn't answer my question.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Okay, I forget what's the question.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I wouldn't make a difference for you if you learn
to help people, but then be like, that's your baggage.
I have to leave it there and go live my life.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
That would make a tremendous difference. That's a tremendous change.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Okay, can you tell me about the tremendous difference part?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
What I felt in the thought of that was weight
potentially lifting off of me, okay, because I'm still giving
myself space to move forward and not to have to
put my baggage down to help somebody with theirs then
get back to mine.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
So did you experience that tremendous weight coming off? Did
you experience that as a positive thing?
Speaker 2 (12:36):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (12:38):
And how pleased would you be, Jasmine? If you got
to live life with that weight.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Off you, that would be great. But it doesn't seem tangible.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
It might not be just yet, we'll see, but if
it were to happen, you'd be pleased.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Yeah. Absolutely?
Speaker 1 (12:54):
What would be different about you?
Speaker 2 (12:57):
If he's happier.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Who's the closest person to you.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
My mom?
Speaker 1 (13:03):
How would your mom notice that you were happier.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Because I'm further away because I'm focused on me.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
How would she notice that? Would you stop checking in?
Would you not return her text message? Like? What would
be her clue that would say, huh, Jaen's further away
than she usually.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Is because I'm not showing up. If I was there,
I'd be under everybody, doing stuff for everybody. I just
came home from Atlanta, for example, and I want to
visit my mom and as soon as I sat down.
There was four people there and each of them asked
(13:43):
me for a favor before I even got to sit down,
and I'm like, what the hell Like I just got here,
so I have a difficulty saying no right. That's why
I say me being further away, she'll notice like, oh wow,
she was for real and she's changing.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
I'm almost nervous to ask you this because I feel
like this is where the tension might be. How would
your mother respond to you being further away and recognizing
she's changing? How would your mom respond to that?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
She has to respect it, the new version that my
mother's becoming, because last year was different. But this new
version I see because of me changing. I can see
like my mom chamie a little bit and it's worth it,
(14:39):
but she has to respect it. And she's more proud
of me for sticking to my nose in a sense,
because I'm learning. I get this from her me trying
to please everybody, and I I think she's proud of
(15:01):
me because she'll say it. Sometimes she'll use it against me,
but even her saying it right, that's all I know.
I'm changing because especially because she's saying it, what does
she say She's proud of me. She's acknowledging, like this
time last year, I was supposed to be down South.
(15:24):
She did not want me to go. She even was
willing to pay half my rent when she didn't. But
it's fine, you know. She used every tactic to get
me to stay, and unfortunate events happened where outside of
her begging, I had to stay in regards to my
(15:46):
son's schooling, his father trying some stuff or whatever. But
now from that, I also learned maybe it wasn't my time,
but I am going to get there, and over this
past year everything's fall into place the way it should.
Still scared, I will believe it once I'm there. But
even just my mom saying the other day, well, now
(16:08):
that I can't keep you any longer, and I'm like,
I know it, I know. So I'm like you, yeah,
I'm glad, you know. And that kind of gives me
confirmation that I can leave now, I can go because
she's not holding on anymore. She's not, you know, it
(16:30):
is a relief to even hear that.
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Wow, And what does it do to you when your mom,
because if I heard you right, you said like this
people pleaserr thing kind of gets in my way. I
got that from my mother. So it makes me wonder
when your mom sees you changing, as you said, she's like,
proud of you, but she must be observing that Jasmine
(16:55):
is doing this thing that even I didn't do.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Oh no, I absolutely see that, especially with the thing's
going on in that household and I don't want them,
but you know, you know, but now it's all coming
to the forefront. I think that's why she's proud of me,
because she's still trying to be a people pleaser. Like
my grandmother used to say. I've never seen days like
(17:19):
this and the things that are just unveiling. I'm just
grateful not to be a part of. And it's because
I'm sticking to what Jasmine needs.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
What does it do to you when your mom expresses
that she's proud of you.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
I'm grateful, of course. I think it lets me know
I'm doing the right thing. Especially lets me know I'm
on the right path, even if I didn't get that validation.
I know at one point I was looking for it,
but now I'm.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
Like, so, you're not looking for it now, but when
it comes, You're like, that's a clue to me that
I'm on the right path? Right? Do you enjoy getting
that clue?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
It doesn't bother me. I mean, it's great if I
got it, but it's just validation that I don't necessarily need. It,
just lets me know I'm doing the right thing, that's all.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Yeah. But does that feel good? I mean, whether it's
coming from my home or not, Like just knowing them
on the right path, does that feel good? Is that
a good thing? Oh?
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Yeah, for sure?
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Okay, And you mentioned like when you go over there,
even before you sat down, there was like four people
asking you for favors. How would the people that typically
ask you for favors respond to this new version of jazzmine?
Speaker 2 (18:39):
They're changing as well. That's how I know it's working.
I actually expressed it to my daughter. She was one
of them, but I'll do anything for her, but e've
ben expressing that. It was actually before I went down south.
I noticed during our trip down there, she started doing
(19:01):
her own thing, and I'm like, I'm offended. You don't
need your mama so so yeah, so I had to
I'm like, no, this is her showing me like, all right,
let me not depend on my mom so much. Because
as soon as I walked and she's like, oh, can
(19:22):
you make me eggs and da da da da? Or
can you do this or whatever? Or can you take
me here? Especially when we were out there and I'm like,
all right now, I'm accommodating you and it's messing up
my plans, you know. But she used to be in
such a brat about it. So she started doing her
own thing, and I'm like, okay, she's trying to be spiteful.
But then she would text me let me know where
(19:45):
she was, called me to make sure I'm okay, and
I'm like, wait, this is healthy. She you know, she's
I guess she's respecting my boundaries in a sense. But
I'm so used to like, no, I'll do it have
an attitude. I took it as like I don't know,
like she don't need me, no war, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
How did that impact you to be like, she don't
need me anymore. She's doing her own thing, but wait,
this is healthy.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
It was a ball of different emotions. I didn't know
how to feel. I was offended, I was sad, I
was happy. I was proud because we had a little
bit of tiff, and I, you know, I stated how
I felt and the way I would have responded to
my mom is how I thought she was responding to me.
(20:38):
My brain was like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stay
out and I'm not gonna I want her to worry,
you know something like that. No was, yeah, she was
making sure. She's like, you know, making sure you're going
to bed or you're okay. I'm just saying, you know,
I'm over here, I'm in that like whatever, and I'm like,
what the hell, I'm like, okay, you know, I thought
(20:59):
we were arguing, you know, so I'm like, all right,
So I just assumed because I expressed how I felt
in regards to the little attitude or whatever, I thought
it was gonna blow up in my face and I
was ready for anument. But she respected it. She even
(21:20):
overdid herself, letting me know where she's at. She's twenty
one now. So I'm like, and it's been great. So
it's been it's been lovely. It feels weird, but it
feels healthy.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
How did your daughter end up being the one to
kind of navigate this space in a healthy way.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
Everybody says, she's like my sister alexis, like, she looks
like her. She's bubbly. Everybody loves her. My nephew is
just like me. It's crazy. We used to say that
to each other. She used to say thank you for
having my daughter, and I would say, thank you for
having my son. I want a boy. She wanted a girl.
(22:20):
My daughter and Alexis were so close. My daughter was
nine I think when she passed, and now she's twenty one,
so literally spitting image in every which way because she
didn't get it from me.
Speaker 1 (22:39):
How do you know?
Speaker 2 (22:41):
And her father hasn't ever been in the picture right,
And even like with conversations I've had with her in
regards to me and her father, she's just so perfect,
Like I don't even it's just I'm like, who like
my sister would be so proud, so proud. So I
(23:01):
don't know, I don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 1 (23:04):
Do you tell her your friend?
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Yeah, all the time, all the time.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
And when you were having all of those emotions, which
of those did you share with your daughter?
Speaker 2 (23:14):
Oh? I haven't actually shared any yet because we've been
just great. I haven't even we spoke about things, but
I haven't recently. I don't know. And I might be
so happy about it, but she might feel all completely
different way.
Speaker 1 (23:29):
I don't know. You haven't shared the positive experiences, the
positive emotions you've had in result of the way she
was being.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
I think because I haven't. When I feel a certain way,
I will drag it. I will drag it out until
there's no more, and I'll still drag it. But because
I haven't, I think I don't know what she's thinking.
But I know we're great, we're better. I haven't yet
(23:57):
told her I'm proud of our communication and how things
are growing, but I know I will.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
How did you teach her to respect you, even to
respect your boundary? Like you totally thought there's gonna be
a fight coming, but she chose to respect you and
your boundary instead. How did you teach her to do that?
Speaker 2 (24:14):
The women in my life play no games, so I
just honestly mock them, honestly, and she'll tell me even
to this day, she's like, you are not the same
parent that you are with my brother, And I'm like,
I know, and I'm sorry because I know I was.
(24:37):
I was very I would give. I didn't tell her
no ever, but I would let her know you're not
going to disappoint me. So yeah, just very strong women
in my life that played no games, and I was
always like that with her. I don't know why.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Wow, it's another one of the questions I was asking.
I'm not sure you got an answer. How would you
notice that? Like I'm continuing to put down the people
pleasing and I'm continuing to move my life in a
way where I'm pleased where it's going, you know, like
I'm pleased where we're headed.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
I think because I am, I'm more emotionally invested in myself,
and I'm trying to regulate my thoughts and emotions. I
think three times before I act. That is going to
(25:38):
be the main thing that keeps me growing. I know
that because I hear it a lot more. I can't
wait to be in the space of peace where I
don't even react violently and I don't find I don't
want you to think I'm out here just being people up,
because I'm not.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
That's exactly what I thought.
Speaker 2 (25:57):
No, I've definitely been in altercations, but I've never ever
hit somebody first. I've never antagonized somebody. It's you have
to take me there, and people have taken me there.
It hasn't been often. It's usually the same because I'm
not reacting to that. How desperate people will go to
(26:19):
make me come out of character, and it's literally people
that I've raised or help raised, and it's not family,
and that I think that's what has hurt the most,
that it's people that have been close to me. Because
I'm not spiteful. I can't understand the concept of why
anybody would want to hurt me or do me dirty
(26:41):
or anything like that. So it's like, oh, you're intentionally
trying to hurt me and my teams. Oh no, okay
not actually, So that thought process that I've had for
so many years, especially since my siblings past, because they
were my protectors. So now I got to protect myself
and my kids and my siblings, those three will take
(27:04):
me out of character. So not being violent, not thinking violently,
and knowing that there's people out there that are willing
to do that unprovoked. So now that I know that,
I know I'm gonna be so much at peace. I'm
gonna start laughing. I can't wait to be that. So
(27:26):
that's what helps me know that I'm gonna grow and
get better because I'm like, all right, I can't wait
to laugh and respond this time Yeah. Once I start laughing,
I'm gonna have a newer level, higher level to get to.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
If you notice yourself laughing, oh, I haven't yet, but
I mean, like going forward, if you notice yourself laughing more,
that would be a huge clue to you. Absolutely, I'm
continuing become the version of Jasmine that I want to be.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
Yes, because I've seen people do it. They reached that
level of peace, and that takes a lot to get there,
So I can't wait to be there.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
And once you get there, you'll probably find that the
next thing that you would want, but you would first like, hey,
I'm laughing more. Yes, what do you imagine would be
the kinds of things that we're making you laugh?
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Stupidity? People just acting stupid like because after let me
not say that, there's been times where I have laughed,
people have tried to pull me out of character so
bad they start saying the weirdest things that make absolutely
no sense, and so I just am like, oh, okay,
(28:32):
now you're lying, you know, like that type of deal, right,
and that will help me walk away. So it's usually
stuff like that. It will literally be so acidine that
all I can do is laugh.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
How different would that be for you to start laughing
in those kind of acidine stupid situations.
Speaker 2 (28:52):
That would be the ultimate That's when I know I've
reached peace, like ultimate piece, and I know there's even further. Yeah,
but once I hate ultimate peace. Oh man, please don't
bring me back.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Yeah. Who would Who would be the first person to
notice that you were at ultimate peace before you even
said anything?
Speaker 2 (29:19):
My kids? My mom?
Speaker 1 (29:25):
Yeah, which one of your kids is the most observant,
most likely to see?
Speaker 2 (29:30):
First Judge, he'll notice it and tell me.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
He's like, I guess nine, the judge. He would tell
you even at seven mm hmm, what would he say?
Speaker 2 (29:46):
And he'll be so surprised, like you're being nice to
me today, mama, Or even if which I think I
am all the time, but even if I yell at
him or be like, pick up your stuff. I told you,
He'll like, WHOA, don't be mean, mama. I'm just like,
you're right, please pick up And he helps me reevaluate
(30:09):
how I'm speaking that I'm starting to get used to
it to where I'm like, Judja, I already spoke to you,
let's get your stuff up, so like, oh, you're being
nice today, or you know, stuff like that. My daughter,
she'll probably hug me awkwardly something like that.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Do you enjoy hugs from her? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (30:28):
I always enjoy her love from them?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
And how do you imagine this version of you parenting
Judjah would change his life? Like what would be around mom?
That is like laughing more, having that new level of
peace that would make him say, Mamma, you're being nice
to me. How do you imagine that would change that
little guy's future?
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Oh, tremendously. He's the reason why I have been on
this journey in this path. Raising boys is extremely difficult,
and even having to now technically share time even though
it's like, you know, not often, but I'm so used
(31:13):
to just having my kids all the time, or them
with my siblings or something right, So it's just being
around him and seeing him changed, and I don't want
like he's autistic, so his brain is so exceptional extreme,
like he feels everything, so he explains it in every
(31:39):
which way, even on how he feels. It's just been
a great journey and a learning experience. I know I'm
doing well when I see the changes in him, I
know I'm doing the right thing.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
Would you be proud of yourself? As a mom for that.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
Oh yeah, I know I'm a great parent. I know that.
I know that it is and it is tough, but
I know that's just something in me. I have to
be that. I just have to.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
So if you already know you're a great parent, and
by the way, I'm not disputing that at all, what
kind of parent do you think you'll be when you
have that new level a piece? If you already like,
I'm a great parent now, but how would you like
what would you think of the way you parented when
you had that new level of peace?
Speaker 2 (32:31):
I don't know a better parent. Yeah, I know my
son's gonna change and he needs it. I honestly do
it more for him because he needs it. I don't
mind being an a hole, but him, Oh no, he's
a young black boy about to be a black man,
and he can't go into the world not understanding emotions.
(32:55):
He can be upset and angry whenever he feels no,
I have no. That's like a mission, that's an endless mission.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
So that's really important to you.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
So I don't mind kicking back and cutting everybody off.
But seriously, because of him, That's why I'm in therapy.
Because of him like, I'm here literally and it's I
hate to say that, but literally because of him, I'm
here and I have to do better. Because he's a
(33:25):
young black boy. I just have to right.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
Wow. Well, hey, Jasmine, would you I'm so moved and
touched by to what degree Jajah drives all of this
desire to change for you? Between now and the next
time we talk, I want you to catch yourself purposefully
(33:53):
being closer to that new level of peace. Pay attention
to Jujah and see how he responds. The quickest way
for you to get there is to practice being it,
even before it's actually real. Practice being it and notice
the impact even when it shows up just a little bit.
(34:15):
Can you do that?
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Yes, I'll practice it.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
I love it. First thing you did when you said
you practice it is you laughed. Okay, So just pay
attention to it and see how your young seven year
old responds to it.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Okay. Well, thank you, Jasmin, Thank you.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
What a powerful session with Jasmine. Her story reminds us
that growth isn't always loud. Sometimes it looks like not
reacting even when your body remembers the old way of surviving.
Sometimes growth looks like realizing that Helping someone doesn't require
holding what's hurting them. And maybe the biggest lesson from
(35:02):
today is this, when we set boundaries, we also have
to learn how to find comfort in the new, healthier
world we're building on the other side of those boundaries.
For anyone listening who deals with anxiety, guilt, or overthinking,
remember that healing is personal. The tools that work for
Jasmine may not look the same for you, and that's okay.
(35:24):
Your strategies might be spiritual, physical, creative, or internal. What
matters is that they help you return to yourself as
you reflect on this episode. Here are a few questions
you can ask yourself the next time anxiety rises or
your boundaries are being tested. When I feel anxiety or
(35:46):
overwhelm in my body, what is the first gentle thing
I can do to support myself in that moment? Am
I carrying something that doesn't actually belong to me? How
(36:07):
do I know when I'm moving toward peace instead of
away from myself? Who in my life would notice my
growth first? And what might they see? Healing doesn't require perfection.
(36:30):
It requires awareness, compassion, and the willingness to keep showing
up for yourself. The way Jasmine is learning to show
for herself. Thank you for listening, and thank you to
Jasmine for sharing her journey with us. Until next time,
take care of yourselves and take care of your peace.
Speaker 3 (37:04):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at elliott' speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seven
two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by
(37:26):
Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S.
Speaker 1 (37:30):
Bishop. For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the
iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely
for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered
a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and
does not constitute a provider of patient relationship.
Speaker 3 (37:49):
It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or
health team for any specific concern or questions you may
have
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