December 3, 2025 • 41 mins
WHO IS GLADYS? In this session of Family Therapy, Elliott Connie works with Gladys, who shares her emotional struggle and hopes to mend her relationship with her son, Elijah. After court battles, misunderstandings, and a damaging altercation, both mother and son have experienced significant pain and distance. Despite these challenges, there remains an unbroken bond, exemplified when Elijah reached out to his mother during a moment of deep despair. The therapy session aims to help Gladys reconnect with Elijah by focusing on the present and letting go of past anger and resentment. Elliott encourages Gladys to get to know her son as he is today, as this could pave the way for healing. The session closes with a powerful message about the importance of choosing healing and creating a space for connection, urging listeners to reflect on their own relationships and the emotions that may be hindering them.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Elia Khani and this is family Theory. Welcome everyone.
I'm Elia Khani, and today we will be spending some
time with Gladys. She and her son Elijah, who we
heard from last week, have experienced a bit of a
rough patch. This has created distance, distrust, and pain on
(00:24):
both sides. In today's session, she shares the weight of
that history, how misunderstandings, court battles, and family conflict fractured
a once powerful connection between a mother and her child,
and more recently, how an explosive altercation shook the entire
family and left her wondering how to even begin repairing
(00:46):
what has been broken. But underneath all of that, there
is hope, and there is a woman who is doing
the difficult inner work required to release the anger and
find a new way forward with her son. Gladys has
been honest about how much that anger has cost her
and how ready she is to put it down. She's
(01:06):
expressed the fear of losing her son, not only emotionally
but physically, after he confided suicidal thoughts during one of
his lowest moments, a moment where despite all of the distance,
he still called his mother. That alone tells us something
about the bond that exists here. Today's session is about
(01:30):
helping gladys take the first steps towards rebuilding that connection,
not by rehashing the past, but by creating a new
emotional space for a relationship that can grow forward. I
preface before this session begins that if you or someone
you love is having a hard time, please reach out
to a professional who will be honored to listen. You
(01:51):
are not alone. What are your best hopes from meeting
with me?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Now that Elijah is a part of this I didn't
think that he was going to be a part of
this session, and I only thought it was going to
be for my siblings and my father and I. But
because Elijah is now in this session, my greatest hope
is for us to heal what has taken place in
our lives that has affected our family when it came
(02:20):
to separation from him and myself from two thousand and
thirteen until twenty and nineteen. That has caused a lot
of distrust, a lot of hurt. Last year, Elijah and
I got into a huge, huge fight and altercation that
(02:41):
exploded in a way that shocked everyone, including myself in
my family. It got physical, and I'm really disappointed about
that because I've always had to fight men either protecting others.
I've seen it growing up in my family on both
sides of domestic violence. I knew that Elijah was angry
(03:06):
with me, but I didn't realize that his anger with
me was as strong as it has been, and it
blew up into a physical altercation on Christmas, my sister's
anniversary of her death. There's so much to unpack, and
I didn't realize he was going to be a part
(03:27):
of this session. It's really affected our whole entire family,
like our relationship and because he's so special to every
single person that knows him, from his aunties to his uncles.
It's sometimes it's hurtful for my side of the family
to hear him say that he doesn't remember us when
(03:48):
it wasn't a long period of time that he was
removed from my care. So I'm hoping that what this
could bring for me personally is not to hold any
more fear or concerned when it comes to my relationship
(04:09):
with my son. I mean, I'm always open, Elliott. I'm
a true open book. There's nothing that I feel that
I can't share with my life, and there's nothing that
I haven't been able to share with my son yet.
I don't even know where to start, honestly, Like, I
have no idea where to start with him, because it's
a battle of like do you remember or you're saying
(04:29):
that you don't want to speak on it? Are you
scared to speak on it? Are you scared? Like so,
there's just so many ways that I've done my best
to tap in, and sometimes he's open, and then other
times he's he's not open, and I don't know how
to I don't know because we don't really speak a
(04:51):
lot of the times with words where like telepathic, like
I swear when he was first born, I tell everybody this,
fresh from the womb, he had a mustache. I remember
my body shaking and then putting him on me. He
looked at me and said, Mom, we've been speaking for
so long, it's okay. Breathe and literally like that, like
(05:15):
hearing it like that. I took a deep breath in
and I like exealed. And then he ended up nursing himself,
and the doctors were like, wait, so we don't even
have to teach this little guy how to you know, nurse.
He already knows I'm like, oh my god, he has
a mustache. He's old. So from the very beginning, I've
always felt like we've had such a connection, and unfortunately
(05:41):
our connection was ruined for jealousy and his father marrying
someone who wasn't really healthy for our blended families. That
caused a lot of pain and destruction, and the people
that really got shattered from that was Elijah and I.
(06:02):
So I don't know where we can start, but I
haven't been in counseling since I was pregnant with Elijah.
His father and I stating for about two years couple's therapy.
When I got pregnant with Elijah, we were already together
for eleven years and the relationship was over before he
was two years old. For the first year after we split,
(06:25):
it was really difficult. When we came back together, we
spoke about what we wanted for him and his life
because his father is Haitian, so different culture. I think
we spoke about that my dad's Puerto Rican, both Elijah's
father's families, and I was very broken. So when we
(06:45):
got together when we were teenagers, we just stuck together
and we went through a lot together. So when it
came to have him. Our relationship was coming to an end,
but we had always promised that no matter what, we
would not allow any buddy to interfere in our co
parenting and we would do everything that we could do
for him, And so we were able to really co
(07:08):
parent well for six seven years and lived next to
each other, made sure we always had we were still family.
That's how I always looked at Elijah's father, like, that's
my family. I've known him since I was fifteen years old.
I don't care who comes into his life, what comes across,
that's my family. But unfortunately he no longer feels that way,
(07:30):
and I believe the only way to control me was
to have Elijah. So that's what took place, and it
was bad. It was horrible. So the worst time of
my like from two thousand and thirteen until last year,
has been extremely difficult for me because I felt for
so long my life was put on hold for things
that weren't that was of evil intent, and so living
(07:56):
that way and living in that fear of something's going
to happen to my son just anywhere, from suicide to
like just a lot of stuff. Him being in counseling
and therapy and to hear his therapists be concerned about
my safety because of feelings that he was feelings. I
(08:20):
don't know. He just doesn't He opens up and then
he shuts down, and then I feel like he's really
angry with me, and I don't know how to fix that,
and I don't know, Like honestly, I feel like there's
a lot of things that has just been completely unfair
to the both of us, and we're just trying to
figure out how to deal with that and going further.
(08:41):
Last Christmas was such a huge blow up that I've
only seen him once since then, before the blow up
took place or what have you, Like, I've always spoke
to him like babe, like you like, whatever needs to happen,
We need to get this out because we need to
speak to people, we need to heal. And my biggest
thing is always like Elijah, if you don't speak to
me and deal with the issues that you have to
(09:03):
deal with, I promise you, son, you will go into
the world and attract a partner. Whatever you haven't dealt
with with me will come out on your partner. And
I don't want that for you because I've seen that
in life, Like you know. I see how when we're
hurt by our parents, we hurt the people that become
(09:26):
our future partners and things like that. So I've always
spoken to him about that, but he's I don't know.
So my biggest thing right now is that I feel
like my relationship amongst my siblings, I am my brother's keeper,
I am my sister's keeper. Our relationships are right. But
the relationship that has me suffering is my relationship with
(09:49):
my son.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
What difference would it make for you to heal the universe?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
The world? Like he's me. He's so special, He's such
a dynamic individual that it hurts me that he hurts.
I feel like I'm strong enough to deal with the
stuff that hasn't been understood, and I could be able
(10:16):
to work through that, but it destroys me that he's shattered,
like and I don't like and I And you can't
force anybody to talk. You can't force anybody to see
things the way that it needs to be seen and
outside of me, like you know what I mean. I
had a conversation at one point with him like bebere
(10:37):
are Our history unfortunately is written on paper and documents.
If you have questions you're old enough now that you
can sit down and ask whatever questions you want to ask.
He's always been open with me. My biggest thing has
always been since he was a child, the infant, because
he used to speak a lot when he was first born.
I'm like, as soon as he learns English, you're gonna
(10:57):
know exactly what he means and he's gonna be business
and there's nothing that you can say. So I've always
honored that with him, Like, you know, I don't care
who you are. Speak your truths because you have such
a great heart that if people don't understand you will
then those are the people that are not going to
understand you. But speaking your truth is not going to
hurt people because you're so kind, You're just so pure.
(11:18):
Over the last year, I've been trying to get better
insurance so we could actually have a therapy session, I
asked him. I said, so, Elijah, what type of therapists
do you want? We don't just have to go into
an office and that's automatically our therapist. No, I need
you to tell me. Do you want a woman? Do
you want a man? Do you want it to be young?
What do you want? And interestingly enough he described you
(11:39):
without even knowing that he described you without even knowing.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
You mentioned that you did not expect Elijah to be
a part of this process, No, I didn't. What did
it mean to you when you found out he was?
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I was beyond excited, beyond excited. I didn't even talk
to him about it. We didn't talk at all because
Auntie Jasmin handled it, and I was like, do your
thing if your nephew is gonna be a part, Like,
I'm all about it. I'm so excited.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
What do you think was the deciding factor? Like? Why
would allaj to do it?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
I have no idea. When Jasmine told me, I knew
that he's always been open to therapy because I've always
been open to therapy and spoke about it. However, I
just didn't know that he would so easily just be
like okay and coming into a group setting. You know,
(12:40):
maybe with him by himself it would be okay, but
for him come into a group setting. I mean, he's
just very respectful anyway, like with his aunts and uncles.
So I don't know. I have no idea other than
I'm grateful that he's a part of it.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
How would you know that healing was happening, like what
would be the very first clue that healing was happening.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Questions are being asked, what kind of questions his own?
What happened, what took place, didn't end up this way
like any type of real conversation about his feelings. I've
always spoke to Elijah about speaking his truth. He stopped
(13:33):
speaking his truth in twenty fourteen, and I feel like
any other time he would try to speak his truth,
he would get in trouble, and so he stopped speaking it.
And so that's where I know for me, healing will
start when he starts speaking his truth again.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
And how do you know that that would heal the
relationship between the two of you. I don't so what
would be a sign that to really was being healed
between the two of you?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Don't I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Actually, what do you think?
Speaker 2 (14:10):
I guess halliet because I feel like for myself, like
everything is really spiritual for me. It's not so much
of words. I guess it's a feeling. I haven't felt
my full heart beat in a long time, and Elijah
has always been a part of I don't know, a
dynamic change within me in my life personally outside of
(14:32):
just being his mother, having him a part of my life.
It just was so easy, and now I feel like
everything hasn't been easy. The feeling of stepping on eggshells
and not knowing like when things are going to blow up.
I have no idea. It's really sad.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I think a sign would be that it was healing.
And particularly what I mean by it was healing is
the relationship between you and.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Elive our separation.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Okay, what is something that you'd like him to know.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
That I never abandoned him, that I never would just
leave him, that I always have taken care of him,
that I would have I would have done everything that
I possibly could do without you know, literally being incocerated,
like you know, breaking the law. But I just what
(15:25):
would it be to feel like it was healed, like I.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Not healed, but just healing, like that the healing process
has begun. What will be the first indicator?
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Does the start of like the healing process, there's somebody
else outside of us, not family, Like we're sitting and
we're going to dialogue. So I think this is the
very beginning of it. I've asked before and how can
we start the healing process? And there's times where he's
resentful that he's just like I've changed and I'll never
be the person that you used to know. And then
(15:57):
I don't know how to deal with that because I'm like,
damn like, because there's way too much other influences around.
I don't want to speak ill about like this is
one of the things I like to this day. I
still tell him how much I love his father. There's
nothing that your dad can make me do not to
love him. I love him like you know. But I
(16:19):
just can't change things from how they are now to
the way that they used to be because I don't
even understand what happened. I didn't just lose my son.
I lost my best friend. His father was one of
my greatest friends. So where I would have the analogy
of Jesus Christ's back after it was whipped, I felt
(16:40):
for so long because I just felt like I was
betrayed so deeply by someone who I've loved for so
long and that I love like no other because he's
the father of my child. Now I have my son,
who I don't know is really hurt by this. It's
(17:00):
like I want to say this because there's so many
times that I thought like I was so scared of
losing him, like his life. I got a call last
year and my Jasmine and Chris was a part of
this when it took place. I got a call from
Elijah and he had told me that he was having
thoughts of suicide and that he didn't want to hurt himself,
(17:24):
but he didn't know how to deal with like like
how he was feeling for me. I've always been for therapy.
His father, on the other hand, has always been like, nope,
no one needs to be in your business. So last
year I got a call from Elijah, and Elijah stated
his feelings, and I was so scared that immediately, you know,
(17:48):
his father was yelling on the phone, like you're making
a big deal out of these things. Nothing's wrong with him.
Like if somebody's telling you they're not feeling well, you
have to believe them. He's been through so much and
comes from a family that has mental illness. His dad's
family has mental illness, My family has mental illness. I
when I was young, never wanted to live, So I
(18:11):
know about suicide and I know about like trying to
like I know all of these things. So I've always
wanted Elijah to feel safe. And last year when he
told me that, I couldn't as I wanted to go
up to him, but when his dad is involved, it's
very difficult for me to get through to Elijah. So
(18:32):
I just had to stop.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
How often do you talk to a lot?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
It's not often, Elliott. That makes me sad.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
When you do speak, what are the typical topics of conversation.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
We don't really talk about anything that's of substance, like,
you know, just daily whatever he's doing that day, or
how he feels about school. But his communication changes Elliott
when he's around his father and his father's wife because
he feels that he can't really speak. I just feel
(19:32):
like because it's there's other influences that are around, and
I don't try to argue. But I've noticed that for
years now, so it's something that I don't like that
I'm used to. But that's the part that I'm completely
being honest. I'm I'm angry about that, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Like, why, why? Why be angry about that?
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I feel like he is old enough to know how
important our relationship has always been, and I feel like
he gives more respect to his father and his father's
wife than he does me. I'm angry about that because
(20:17):
they're the ones that really try to destroy us everything
they did in court.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
And Elijah knows that he knows it.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Elliot. I asked him a couple years ago he turned
twenty to it's time for you to take a look
at the court documents. He never He never really did,
because I'm like, don't take it for me, don't don't.
I don't want you just to hear what I want
you to know facts. Read it for yourself. It's public knowledge.
(20:54):
See if that makes sense to you. Ask questions, and
you're not asking questions. But I feel like there's times
that he's cynical about it and condescending but hurt at
the same time. But he never wants to get to
the actual truth of the matter, like you know, And
(21:14):
I'm like, come on, like you're smart, see it for yourself.
And it's not about choosing sides. It's just about dealing
with what took place so that we can move on
from it. However, I can't be the one to be
the blame when I never started it. It never started this.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Do you feel bad?
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Do you feel bad about anything that's happened?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Absolutely, everything that's happened, like you're rolling it.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Do you feel bad about anything you did to contribute
to it? And I'm not blaming you either, to be
very clear, but do you feel bad about anything that
you did to contribute to the situation.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So, if we're talking about the situation that took place
in court, absolutely not. If we're talking about how we've
had to survive during the times of what we went through,
I'm sure I did things that I would love to
take back. Like I give you examples like on vacation
(22:17):
times where Elijah was supposed to be with me and
I would fly out to Los Angeles to see him
on visitation days, like his father and his father's wife
would keep him from me. So like, I'm just mad
that I wasn't smart enough to deal with the court
the way that I knew it's about court protocol that
I was always I couldn't understand. Elijah's father's very smart,
(22:40):
always been a brilliant man. Like you know, I'm just
mad that I didn't understand what I understand now because
I feel like I would have been able to just
show what needed to be shown so that it didn't
go the way that it went. But I'm mad at
myself for not listening to my intuition, mad at myself
(23:01):
for getting sick, Mad that I had to make decisions
that I feel like I give so much and then
just thinking it's going to be I would get back.
I'm just mad about a lot of things. I truly am.
I don't know. I'm sure even with Elijah, like I
(23:23):
getting to a place of speaking to him and just
being like, tell me where you know, like what's on
your mind so that we can talk about it, because
I'm not always right. And I remember one time when
I the relationship between his father and I had first ended,
and he was three years around two or three years
old at the time, and I had to move back
(23:43):
to the East Coast. Did not want to be on
the East Coast. I just felt like it wasn't my
life anymore and I had a different life. And when
I had to come back with Elijah, I remember we
were driving and I had picked him up from daycare
and I was coming out of work and I'm driving
and I'm trying to hold my posure in my emotions
because I'm just thinking about how much my life has
just changed, and Elijah seeing in the backseat looking out
(24:07):
the window and he says to me, Mommy, where there's
a will, there's a way, And I'm like what? And
I turned to him and I was like, what did
you say? He says, it's okay, mommy like and in
that moment, I started crying, like are you sure?
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Like?
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Because I always looked at him as a not so
much just my son, but the world's son, because of
how brilliant he is, like you know, and I always
wanted to protect his innocence and protect his truth, give
him what I never had. And I know that part
of him is embedded within him of his wisdom. I
(24:46):
just don't understand why he doesn't ask those same type
of questions now that he's older and is able to
see something's wrong here? What happened? What took place?
Speaker 1 (24:57):
If I talk to Elijah right now and asked him
a very important question, yep, Hey Elijah, what do you
need from your mother right now? What would he say?
What do you think he'd say?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
I don't know, to be held?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Do you think that's what he'd say? I ask you,
what do you think he'd say he needs?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I don't know, because I've I don't know. It's not
about apology it's not about being like wrong, because I'm
okay with being wrong. Like if I apologize, I apologize,
So I don't know. Whatever he would need, without a doubt,
(25:36):
I would drop everything to give it to him.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
What if he said, I don't want to talk about
what happened before. I don't want to talk about Dad,
I don't want to talk about court. I don't want
to have to talk about the fight on Christmas. I
don't want to talk about any of that.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
What would you say, we don't got to talk about it,
But I think you should talk about it to somebody else.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Would that be hard for you?
Speaker 2 (26:03):
No, everybody heals and has their own process of healing.
I'm a talker, so for me it's easy to talk.
For other people, it's not easy. Like you know, I
like so I can understand all of those aspects. I mean,
that's not a problem for me. Want to make sure
(26:24):
that at the end of the day, you're not horboring
any ill feelings or going to cause you pain in
the future or even now. Whatever my son needs, if
it's talking, if it's talking just a little bit, if
it's screaming, whatever the case is that he needs to do,
(26:45):
I'm because I know I have my support regardless. If
I can't get some type of healing, I'm gonna get
it for my faith. Faith is strong, my prayer is strong.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
You said something that actually surprised me. Share with you
what it is. You said that you and Elijah don't
always talk. He hasn't lived with you in a long while.
He told me about the fight that happened on Christmas.
Then you said he was thinking about harming himself. Yep,
And he called me to tell me yep. Why would
(27:20):
he do that if we haven't talked. Sometimes you text me,
he doesn't respond. Sometimes you call him, he can't get
a hold of him. He was in a real low,
dark place. Why did he call his mom?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Because he knows I love him so much, and I
know that we have spoken about what can happen when
we're really depressed. I've just been so concerned for him
for the last several years, in him living with me
from twenty nineteen until last year, and I just saw
(27:53):
things that I never saw before. And my biggest thing
has always been about like the fear of him causing
himself pain and not telling anybody.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Yeah, So I'm gonna push you a little bit, I'm
going to push you. That can't be the answer, because
there's got to be something deeper. When he was in
a real low moment, I don't think it matters that
you talk to him about this, or like, why would
he call the person he wasn't living with you from
(28:27):
twenty thirteen to twenty nineteen. Yes, according to you, he's
being unfairly influenced by his stepmother and father. Yes, But
when things got at his lowest, when he was considering
causing himself harm, he called the person with whom he
doesn't have a great relationship. That doesn't make any sense,
(28:49):
So why did he do it? Well?
Speaker 2 (28:51):
When he called me to tell me, he said, Hey, Mom,
I just wanted to call you and tell you. I
talked to my dad and I talked to Susan. I'm
feeling like I want to hurt myself now, Elliott. Three
months prior him and I were already speaking about it,
so we've always been open with one another. So I
(29:12):
feel like he called me because he knew I would
know how he was feeling deeply, without any type of
judgment or shame. How I dealt with it. I immediately
was like, Elijah, you got to get yourself somewhere. I
(29:33):
need you to make sure didn't do that. I was
with my brother Chris at the time. I had to
call the police, the non emergency to do a checkup
because I didn't know what was going to happen when
I did that, Like that's when I'm shut off. So
I'm like, he won't call for a couple of days.
(29:53):
I even bought a ticket to fly up to where
he was living with his father, like see him, but
he just was like, please don't do that. So I
just I don't know. Oh, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
I do have one more question stood out ya When
did he make the statement I'm not that person anymore
and I don't think I'll be that person. When did
he make that statement?
Speaker 2 (30:34):
It was probably like the first six months he was
back with me in twenty nineteen, because immediately when he
came back to me, I put him in therapy. The
only reason why it stopped was because I lost my job,
so my insurance stopped. But it was around the first
(30:54):
six months, and my thing was like, you know, Gabe,
to speak your truth, and he's like, no, like speaking
your truth doesn't matter. People don't don't hear you. When
you speak your truth. Like, so, there was just a
lot of stuff that change that I still don't know
because he still hasn't really opened up. There there were
reports I found out at a later time, services was
(31:16):
called to his father's house. Like there's been so much
that has been kept from me that when I try
to just ask about certain things, he'll shut down and
he won't say anything.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Thank you, and I mean this for all of you.
Thank you for participating and engaging with this conversation. There's
one idea I want to try to get as across
from you that I think will help get us on
the road to healing. Are you okay with that?
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Open with everything?
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Well, there's one there's one task I need you to accomplish.
I think there's something mysterious about Elijah.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Why did that make you smile?
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Because that's he's magical, He's mysterious, He's miss all of that.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
If I say something that upsets or offends you, will
you please yell at me about it? Because I want
you to feel. I have to say what I need
to say, but I want you to be okay to
get mad at me if you need to be.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
And I know where it's coming from and I know
it's coming from good intentions.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Let me say this, I think there's something mysterious about him.
He keeps doing things that I, as a psychotherapist, experience
as unusual. For example, he doesn't currently have the most
connected relationship with you, and he has every opportunity to
(32:44):
keep it that way, and he doesn't like he does
not have to participate in this therapy process, but he
chooses to. At his lowest moment, he did not have
to call you, but he did. Now, there's something about
him that he's not gonna overtly I mean, I think
(33:05):
that's the mysterious part about him. He's not gonna overtly
tell us why he is doing the things he is doing.
But he keeps doing things that caused me to believe
his mother matters to him, even though he might not
express to me why or how he keeps doing things
that he doesn't have to do, Whereas for me, the
only explanation is his mother matters to him. I believe
(33:30):
his mom is angry and hurt, and I think the
presence of the anger and hurt makes it hard for
him to reconnect with his mother. I actually agree with him.
I think he's a new person at twenty two than
he was at ten when all of this started, or
whatever age you was. Yes, so does everything I said
(33:50):
so far sound fair? Absolutely okay with me calling him mysterious?
You're okay with me thinking that you matter to him
even though he can't express it in that way, Like, you're.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
Okay with all of it because it's all true.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
So if that's true, you have one very simple task, gladys.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yes, work on not being angry.
Speaker 1 (34:11):
No, okay, The task is going to require you to
not be angry, But there's a simple task that's far
simpler than that.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Now, you're gonna have to let go of the past,
you're gonna have to let go of anger, and we
can do all of that. But the task you have
to accomplish is getting to know him for him today. Yes, yes,
I think the past is clouding your ability to connect
with him today.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
That's absolutely correct. Okay.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
So what you have is a wonderful, sensitive, albeit mysterious
child who I think is impacted by constantly bringing up
the past, which he very likely experiences as traumatic.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Well, let me ask, how how do we get over
if I don't even bring up the past?
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Live that up to me. Leave that up to me,
thank you. Your job is to is to just connect
with him. Okay, that's easy, and let go of the
anger in the past in that connection.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
It's absolutely easy. I can That's what I can do.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
And I will tell you, Gladys, there is something about
him that needs something from you, but we don't yet
know him well enough to know what that is. And
I'm going to help you with that, Like that's the
whole point of all of this. But you are not
the first person in this process to tell me that
you did not expect him to be a part of this,
(35:34):
and yet here he is. Okay, before we start guessing,
before we get angry or resentful, let's first figure out
what he wants from his mom. Yes, because right now
we don't currently know that.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
I'm waiting.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
I'm gonna guess, Gladys, based on my experience and knowledge
of people. It's not for him to read court document,
it's not for him to think any differently about his dad.
I'm gonna guess what he needs has very little to
do with all of that shit. Before we can figure
(36:11):
out what he needs, let's get to know him a bit. Yeah,
because he's breaking the rule, and it's fascinating to me
why he's doing it, like he's hurt, angered, traumatized, but
also present. Yes, that's unusual, so let's figure out what
is driving them.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
I need you to be the best version of you,
and we have to put down the anger and the resentment,
all of them, even if anger and resentment are warranted. Like,
I hope you, I hope you don't experience me as
telling you like you shouldn't feel this way. I'm simply
saying it's not helping.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Oh yeah, I know. In truth be told, it's not
about anybody outside of me, Elliott. It's not helping me
because when I'm angry, most don't even know what I'm angry.
I'm not able to move in my life.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Correct, Gladys. I've known you now for like twenty minutes
of your life, and I can already tell you're not
a very hard person to read. Like, when you're angry,
people can see it. When you're happy, people can see it.
You're a very expressive person. So I'm sure Elijah can
(37:21):
tell when you're angry, and I'm equally sure it's impacting him. Yeah, Okay,
I know.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
How do you think we did in our first conversation? Wonderful?
Speaker 2 (37:31):
I'm so grateful, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
As we close today's conversation, I want to acknowledge the
courage it takes to sit in the middle of your
deepest wounds and still choose healing. Gladys has shown us
what it looks like to love someone so profoundly that,
even after years of estrangement, anger, silence, and fear, she
continues to reach for the possibility of a renewed relationship
(37:56):
with her son. We explored how anger, even justifying it, anger,
can stand between us and the connections we desire. We
talked about how distance doesn't always mean disconnection, as shown
in the moment when Elijah called his mother during a
period of suicidal thoughts. That call wasn't an accident. It
was a sign that despite the years of difficulty, there
(38:19):
remains a thread between them that is never fully broken.
For anyone listening who carries anger, estrangement, or the weight
of a loved one's mental health struggles, I want you
to hear this. Healing is possible, Reconnection is possible. Sometimes
the first step isn't changing the other person, it's softening
(38:39):
the space within ourselves so connection can find a way
back in. Here are a few questions you can ask
yourself to support your own healing journey. What anger am
I holding on to that may be protecting me but
also preventing me from reconnecting with someone I love? Is
(39:06):
there a part of my story that I've been repeating
for so long that I haven't given myself permission to
reimagine a new chapter when I feel rejected or ignored?
(39:26):
What fear is sitting underneath that feeling? Fear of loss,
fear of not being enough, fear of being heard again.
What would moving forward look like if it didn't depend
on resolving the past first? To everyone listening, healing isn't linear,
(39:59):
it isn't right, But the moment you choose to approach
your relationships with curiosity instead of certainty, with compassion instead
of anger, you create a new possibility. Thank you for
being here with us, and we'll see you in the
next session. I would love to hear from you about
your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. Leave a review,
(40:22):
send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks,
and you can also send me a text message to
nine seven two four two six two six four zero.
Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black
Effect podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.
It's produced by jack Quice Thomas and the executive producer
Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect,
(40:45):
visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast
serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not
be considered a replacement for personalized metal or mental health guidance,
and does not constitute a provider of patient relationship. It
is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health
(41:06):
team for any specific concern or questions you may have.
I'm Elia Khani and this is family Theory. Welcome everyone.
I'm Elia Khani, and today we will be spending some
time with Gladys. She and her son Elijah, who we
heard from last week, have experienced a bit of a
rough patch. This has created distance, distrust, and pain on
(00:24):
both sides. In today's session, she shares the weight of
that history, how misunderstandings, court battles, and family conflict fractured
a once powerful connection between a mother and her child,
and more recently, how an explosive altercation shook the entire
family and left her wondering how to even begin repairing
(00:46):
what has been broken. But underneath all of that, there
is hope, and there is a woman who is doing
the difficult inner work required to release the anger and
find a new way forward with her son. Gladys has
been honest about how much that anger has cost her
and how ready she is to put it down. She's
(01:06):
expressed the fear of losing her son, not only emotionally
but physically, after he confided suicidal thoughts during one of
his lowest moments, a moment where despite all of the distance,
he still called his mother. That alone tells us something
about the bond that exists here. Today's session is about
(01:30):
helping gladys take the first steps towards rebuilding that connection,
not by rehashing the past, but by creating a new
emotional space for a relationship that can grow forward. I
preface before this session begins that if you or someone
you love is having a hard time, please reach out
to a professional who will be honored to listen. You
(01:51):
are not alone. What are your best hopes from meeting
with me?
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Now that Elijah is a part of this I didn't
think that he was going to be a part of
this session, and I only thought it was going to
be for my siblings and my father and I. But
because Elijah is now in this session, my greatest hope
is for us to heal what has taken place in
our lives that has affected our family when it came
(02:20):
to separation from him and myself from two thousand and
thirteen until twenty and nineteen. That has caused a lot
of distrust, a lot of hurt. Last year, Elijah and
I got into a huge, huge fight and altercation that
(02:41):
exploded in a way that shocked everyone, including myself in
my family. It got physical, and I'm really disappointed about
that because I've always had to fight men either protecting others.
I've seen it growing up in my family on both
sides of domestic violence. I knew that Elijah was angry
(03:06):
with me, but I didn't realize that his anger with
me was as strong as it has been, and it
blew up into a physical altercation on Christmas, my sister's
anniversary of her death. There's so much to unpack, and
I didn't realize he was going to be a part
(03:27):
of this session. It's really affected our whole entire family,
like our relationship and because he's so special to every
single person that knows him, from his aunties to his uncles.
It's sometimes it's hurtful for my side of the family
to hear him say that he doesn't remember us when
(03:48):
it wasn't a long period of time that he was
removed from my care. So I'm hoping that what this
could bring for me personally is not to hold any
more fear or concerned when it comes to my relationship
(04:09):
with my son. I mean, I'm always open, Elliott. I'm
a true open book. There's nothing that I feel that
I can't share with my life, and there's nothing that
I haven't been able to share with my son yet.
I don't even know where to start, honestly, Like, I
have no idea where to start with him, because it's
a battle of like do you remember or you're saying
(04:29):
that you don't want to speak on it? Are you
scared to speak on it? Are you scared? Like so,
there's just so many ways that I've done my best
to tap in, and sometimes he's open, and then other
times he's he's not open, and I don't know how
to I don't know because we don't really speak a
(04:51):
lot of the times with words where like telepathic, like
I swear when he was first born, I tell everybody this,
fresh from the womb, he had a mustache. I remember
my body shaking and then putting him on me. He
looked at me and said, Mom, we've been speaking for
so long, it's okay. Breathe and literally like that, like
(05:15):
hearing it like that. I took a deep breath in
and I like exealed. And then he ended up nursing himself,
and the doctors were like, wait, so we don't even
have to teach this little guy how to you know, nurse.
He already knows I'm like, oh my god, he has
a mustache. He's old. So from the very beginning, I've
always felt like we've had such a connection, and unfortunately
(05:41):
our connection was ruined for jealousy and his father marrying
someone who wasn't really healthy for our blended families. That
caused a lot of pain and destruction, and the people
that really got shattered from that was Elijah and I.
(06:02):
So I don't know where we can start, but I
haven't been in counseling since I was pregnant with Elijah.
His father and I stating for about two years couple's therapy.
When I got pregnant with Elijah, we were already together
for eleven years and the relationship was over before he
was two years old. For the first year after we split,
(06:25):
it was really difficult. When we came back together, we
spoke about what we wanted for him and his life
because his father is Haitian, so different culture. I think
we spoke about that my dad's Puerto Rican, both Elijah's
father's families, and I was very broken. So when we
(06:45):
got together when we were teenagers, we just stuck together
and we went through a lot together. So when it
came to have him. Our relationship was coming to an end,
but we had always promised that no matter what, we
would not allow any buddy to interfere in our co
parenting and we would do everything that we could do
for him, And so we were able to really co
(07:08):
parent well for six seven years and lived next to
each other, made sure we always had we were still family.
That's how I always looked at Elijah's father, like, that's
my family. I've known him since I was fifteen years old.
I don't care who comes into his life, what comes across,
that's my family. But unfortunately he no longer feels that way,
(07:30):
and I believe the only way to control me was
to have Elijah. So that's what took place, and it
was bad. It was horrible. So the worst time of
my like from two thousand and thirteen until last year,
has been extremely difficult for me because I felt for
so long my life was put on hold for things
that weren't that was of evil intent, and so living
(07:56):
that way and living in that fear of something's going
to happen to my son just anywhere, from suicide to
like just a lot of stuff. Him being in counseling
and therapy and to hear his therapists be concerned about
my safety because of feelings that he was feelings. I
(08:20):
don't know. He just doesn't He opens up and then
he shuts down, and then I feel like he's really
angry with me, and I don't know how to fix that,
and I don't know, Like honestly, I feel like there's
a lot of things that has just been completely unfair
to the both of us, and we're just trying to
figure out how to deal with that and going further.
(08:41):
Last Christmas was such a huge blow up that I've
only seen him once since then, before the blow up
took place or what have you, Like, I've always spoke
to him like babe, like you like, whatever needs to happen,
We need to get this out because we need to
speak to people, we need to heal. And my biggest
thing is always like Elijah, if you don't speak to
me and deal with the issues that you have to
(09:03):
deal with, I promise you, son, you will go into
the world and attract a partner. Whatever you haven't dealt
with with me will come out on your partner. And
I don't want that for you because I've seen that
in life, Like you know. I see how when we're
hurt by our parents, we hurt the people that become
(09:26):
our future partners and things like that. So I've always
spoken to him about that, but he's I don't know.
So my biggest thing right now is that I feel
like my relationship amongst my siblings, I am my brother's keeper,
I am my sister's keeper. Our relationships are right. But
the relationship that has me suffering is my relationship with
(09:49):
my son.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
What difference would it make for you to heal the universe?
Speaker 2 (09:56):
The world? Like he's me. He's so special, He's such
a dynamic individual that it hurts me that he hurts.
I feel like I'm strong enough to deal with the
stuff that hasn't been understood, and I could be able
(10:16):
to work through that, but it destroys me that he's shattered,
like and I don't like and I And you can't
force anybody to talk. You can't force anybody to see
things the way that it needs to be seen and
outside of me, like you know what I mean. I
had a conversation at one point with him like bebere
(10:37):
are Our history unfortunately is written on paper and documents.
If you have questions you're old enough now that you
can sit down and ask whatever questions you want to ask.
He's always been open with me. My biggest thing has
always been since he was a child, the infant, because
he used to speak a lot when he was first born.
I'm like, as soon as he learns English, you're gonna
(10:57):
know exactly what he means and he's gonna be business
and there's nothing that you can say. So I've always
honored that with him, Like, you know, I don't care
who you are. Speak your truths because you have such
a great heart that if people don't understand you will
then those are the people that are not going to
understand you. But speaking your truth is not going to
hurt people because you're so kind, You're just so pure.
(11:18):
Over the last year, I've been trying to get better
insurance so we could actually have a therapy session, I
asked him. I said, so, Elijah, what type of therapists
do you want? We don't just have to go into
an office and that's automatically our therapist. No, I need
you to tell me. Do you want a woman? Do
you want a man? Do you want it to be young?
What do you want? And interestingly enough he described you
(11:39):
without even knowing that he described you without even knowing.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
You mentioned that you did not expect Elijah to be
a part of this process, No, I didn't. What did
it mean to you when you found out he was?
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I was beyond excited, beyond excited. I didn't even talk
to him about it. We didn't talk at all because
Auntie Jasmin handled it, and I was like, do your
thing if your nephew is gonna be a part, Like,
I'm all about it. I'm so excited.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
What do you think was the deciding factor? Like? Why
would allaj to do it?
Speaker 2 (12:18):
I have no idea. When Jasmine told me, I knew
that he's always been open to therapy because I've always
been open to therapy and spoke about it. However, I
just didn't know that he would so easily just be
like okay and coming into a group setting. You know,
(12:40):
maybe with him by himself it would be okay, but
for him come into a group setting. I mean, he's
just very respectful anyway, like with his aunts and uncles.
So I don't know. I have no idea other than
I'm grateful that he's a part of it.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
How would you know that healing was happening, like what
would be the very first clue that healing was happening.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Questions are being asked, what kind of questions his own?
What happened, what took place, didn't end up this way
like any type of real conversation about his feelings. I've
always spoke to Elijah about speaking his truth. He stopped
(13:33):
speaking his truth in twenty fourteen, and I feel like
any other time he would try to speak his truth,
he would get in trouble, and so he stopped speaking it.
And so that's where I know for me, healing will
start when he starts speaking his truth again.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
And how do you know that that would heal the
relationship between the two of you. I don't so what
would be a sign that to really was being healed
between the two of you?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Don't I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Actually, what do you think?
Speaker 2 (14:10):
I guess halliet because I feel like for myself, like
everything is really spiritual for me. It's not so much
of words. I guess it's a feeling. I haven't felt
my full heart beat in a long time, and Elijah
has always been a part of I don't know, a
dynamic change within me in my life personally outside of
(14:32):
just being his mother, having him a part of my life.
It just was so easy, and now I feel like
everything hasn't been easy. The feeling of stepping on eggshells
and not knowing like when things are going to blow up.
I have no idea. It's really sad.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
I think a sign would be that it was healing.
And particularly what I mean by it was healing is
the relationship between you and.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Elive our separation.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Okay, what is something that you'd like him to know.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
That I never abandoned him, that I never would just
leave him, that I always have taken care of him,
that I would have I would have done everything that
I possibly could do without you know, literally being incocerated,
like you know, breaking the law. But I just what
(15:25):
would it be to feel like it was healed, like I.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
Not healed, but just healing, like that the healing process
has begun. What will be the first indicator?
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Does the start of like the healing process, there's somebody
else outside of us, not family, Like we're sitting and
we're going to dialogue. So I think this is the
very beginning of it. I've asked before and how can
we start the healing process? And there's times where he's
resentful that he's just like I've changed and I'll never
be the person that you used to know. And then
(15:57):
I don't know how to deal with that because I'm like,
damn like, because there's way too much other influences around.
I don't want to speak ill about like this is
one of the things I like to this day. I
still tell him how much I love his father. There's
nothing that your dad can make me do not to
love him. I love him like you know. But I
(16:19):
just can't change things from how they are now to
the way that they used to be because I don't
even understand what happened. I didn't just lose my son.
I lost my best friend. His father was one of
my greatest friends. So where I would have the analogy
of Jesus Christ's back after it was whipped, I felt
(16:40):
for so long because I just felt like I was
betrayed so deeply by someone who I've loved for so
long and that I love like no other because he's
the father of my child. Now I have my son,
who I don't know is really hurt by this. It's
(17:00):
like I want to say this because there's so many
times that I thought like I was so scared of
losing him, like his life. I got a call last
year and my Jasmine and Chris was a part of
this when it took place. I got a call from
Elijah and he had told me that he was having
thoughts of suicide and that he didn't want to hurt himself,
(17:24):
but he didn't know how to deal with like like
how he was feeling for me. I've always been for therapy.
His father, on the other hand, has always been like, nope,
no one needs to be in your business. So last
year I got a call from Elijah, and Elijah stated
his feelings, and I was so scared that immediately, you know,
(17:48):
his father was yelling on the phone, like you're making
a big deal out of these things. Nothing's wrong with him.
Like if somebody's telling you they're not feeling well, you
have to believe them. He's been through so much and
comes from a family that has mental illness. His dad's
family has mental illness, My family has mental illness. I
when I was young, never wanted to live, So I
(18:11):
know about suicide and I know about like trying to
like I know all of these things. So I've always
wanted Elijah to feel safe. And last year when he
told me that, I couldn't as I wanted to go
up to him, but when his dad is involved, it's
very difficult for me to get through to Elijah. So
(18:32):
I just had to stop.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
How often do you talk to a lot?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
It's not often, Elliott. That makes me sad.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
When you do speak, what are the typical topics of conversation.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
We don't really talk about anything that's of substance, like,
you know, just daily whatever he's doing that day, or
how he feels about school. But his communication changes Elliott
when he's around his father and his father's wife because
he feels that he can't really speak. I just feel
(19:32):
like because it's there's other influences that are around, and
I don't try to argue. But I've noticed that for
years now, so it's something that I don't like that
I'm used to. But that's the part that I'm completely
being honest. I'm I'm angry about that, and I'm.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Like, why, why? Why be angry about that?
Speaker 2 (19:55):
I feel like he is old enough to know how
important our relationship has always been, and I feel like
he gives more respect to his father and his father's
wife than he does me. I'm angry about that because
(20:17):
they're the ones that really try to destroy us everything
they did in court.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
And Elijah knows that he knows it.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
Elliot. I asked him a couple years ago he turned
twenty to it's time for you to take a look
at the court documents. He never He never really did,
because I'm like, don't take it for me, don't don't.
I don't want you just to hear what I want
you to know facts. Read it for yourself. It's public knowledge.
(20:54):
See if that makes sense to you. Ask questions, and
you're not asking questions. But I feel like there's times
that he's cynical about it and condescending but hurt at
the same time. But he never wants to get to
the actual truth of the matter, like you know, And
(21:14):
I'm like, come on, like you're smart, see it for yourself.
And it's not about choosing sides. It's just about dealing
with what took place so that we can move on
from it. However, I can't be the one to be
the blame when I never started it. It never started this.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Do you feel bad?
Speaker 2 (21:36):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Do you feel bad about anything that's happened?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Absolutely, everything that's happened, like you're rolling it.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Do you feel bad about anything you did to contribute
to it? And I'm not blaming you either, to be
very clear, but do you feel bad about anything that
you did to contribute to the situation.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So, if we're talking about the situation that took place
in court, absolutely not. If we're talking about how we've
had to survive during the times of what we went through,
I'm sure I did things that I would love to
take back. Like I give you examples like on vacation
(22:17):
times where Elijah was supposed to be with me and
I would fly out to Los Angeles to see him
on visitation days, like his father and his father's wife
would keep him from me. So like, I'm just mad
that I wasn't smart enough to deal with the court
the way that I knew it's about court protocol that
I was always I couldn't understand. Elijah's father's very smart,
(22:40):
always been a brilliant man. Like you know, I'm just
mad that I didn't understand what I understand now because
I feel like I would have been able to just
show what needed to be shown so that it didn't
go the way that it went. But I'm mad at
myself for not listening to my intuition, mad at myself
(23:01):
for getting sick, Mad that I had to make decisions
that I feel like I give so much and then
just thinking it's going to be I would get back.
I'm just mad about a lot of things. I truly am.
I don't know. I'm sure even with Elijah, like I
(23:23):
getting to a place of speaking to him and just
being like, tell me where you know, like what's on
your mind so that we can talk about it, because
I'm not always right. And I remember one time when
I the relationship between his father and I had first ended,
and he was three years around two or three years
old at the time, and I had to move back
(23:43):
to the East Coast. Did not want to be on
the East Coast. I just felt like it wasn't my
life anymore and I had a different life. And when
I had to come back with Elijah, I remember we
were driving and I had picked him up from daycare
and I was coming out of work and I'm driving
and I'm trying to hold my posure in my emotions
because I'm just thinking about how much my life has
just changed, and Elijah seeing in the backseat looking out
(24:07):
the window and he says to me, Mommy, where there's
a will, there's a way, And I'm like what? And
I turned to him and I was like, what did
you say? He says, it's okay, mommy like and in
that moment, I started crying, like are you sure?
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Like?
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Because I always looked at him as a not so
much just my son, but the world's son, because of
how brilliant he is, like you know, and I always
wanted to protect his innocence and protect his truth, give
him what I never had. And I know that part
of him is embedded within him of his wisdom. I
(24:46):
just don't understand why he doesn't ask those same type
of questions now that he's older and is able to
see something's wrong here? What happened? What took place?
Speaker 1 (24:57):
If I talk to Elijah right now and asked him
a very important question, yep, Hey Elijah, what do you
need from your mother right now? What would he say?
What do you think he'd say?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
I don't know, to be held?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Do you think that's what he'd say? I ask you,
what do you think he'd say he needs?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I don't know, because I've I don't know. It's not
about apology it's not about being like wrong, because I'm
okay with being wrong. Like if I apologize, I apologize,
So I don't know. Whatever he would need, without a doubt,
(25:36):
I would drop everything to give it to him.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
What if he said, I don't want to talk about
what happened before. I don't want to talk about Dad,
I don't want to talk about court. I don't want
to have to talk about the fight on Christmas. I
don't want to talk about any of that.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
What would you say, we don't got to talk about it,
But I think you should talk about it to somebody else.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Would that be hard for you?
Speaker 2 (26:03):
No, everybody heals and has their own process of healing.
I'm a talker, so for me it's easy to talk.
For other people, it's not easy. Like you know, I
like so I can understand all of those aspects. I mean,
that's not a problem for me. Want to make sure
(26:24):
that at the end of the day, you're not horboring
any ill feelings or going to cause you pain in
the future or even now. Whatever my son needs, if
it's talking, if it's talking just a little bit, if
it's screaming, whatever the case is that he needs to do,
(26:45):
I'm because I know I have my support regardless. If
I can't get some type of healing, I'm gonna get
it for my faith. Faith is strong, my prayer is strong.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
You said something that actually surprised me. Share with you
what it is. You said that you and Elijah don't
always talk. He hasn't lived with you in a long while.
He told me about the fight that happened on Christmas.
Then you said he was thinking about harming himself. Yep,
And he called me to tell me yep. Why would
(27:20):
he do that if we haven't talked. Sometimes you text me,
he doesn't respond. Sometimes you call him, he can't get
a hold of him. He was in a real low,
dark place. Why did he call his mom?
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Because he knows I love him so much, and I
know that we have spoken about what can happen when
we're really depressed. I've just been so concerned for him
for the last several years, in him living with me
from twenty nineteen until last year, and I just saw
(27:53):
things that I never saw before. And my biggest thing
has always been about like the fear of him causing
himself pain and not telling anybody.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Yeah, So I'm gonna push you a little bit, I'm
going to push you. That can't be the answer, because
there's got to be something deeper. When he was in
a real low moment, I don't think it matters that
you talk to him about this, or like, why would
he call the person he wasn't living with you from
(28:27):
twenty thirteen to twenty nineteen. Yes, according to you, he's
being unfairly influenced by his stepmother and father. Yes, But
when things got at his lowest, when he was considering
causing himself harm, he called the person with whom he
doesn't have a great relationship. That doesn't make any sense,
(28:49):
So why did he do it? Well?
Speaker 2 (28:51):
When he called me to tell me, he said, Hey, Mom,
I just wanted to call you and tell you. I
talked to my dad and I talked to Susan. I'm
feeling like I want to hurt myself now, Elliott. Three
months prior him and I were already speaking about it,
so we've always been open with one another. So I
(29:12):
feel like he called me because he knew I would
know how he was feeling deeply, without any type of
judgment or shame. How I dealt with it. I immediately
was like, Elijah, you got to get yourself somewhere. I
(29:33):
need you to make sure didn't do that. I was
with my brother Chris at the time. I had to
call the police, the non emergency to do a checkup
because I didn't know what was going to happen when
I did that, Like that's when I'm shut off. So
I'm like, he won't call for a couple of days.
(29:53):
I even bought a ticket to fly up to where
he was living with his father, like see him, but
he just was like, please don't do that. So I
just I don't know. Oh, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
I do have one more question stood out ya When
did he make the statement I'm not that person anymore
and I don't think I'll be that person. When did
he make that statement?
Speaker 2 (30:34):
It was probably like the first six months he was
back with me in twenty nineteen, because immediately when he
came back to me, I put him in therapy. The
only reason why it stopped was because I lost my job,
so my insurance stopped. But it was around the first
(30:54):
six months, and my thing was like, you know, Gabe,
to speak your truth, and he's like, no, like speaking
your truth doesn't matter. People don't don't hear you. When
you speak your truth. Like, so, there was just a
lot of stuff that change that I still don't know
because he still hasn't really opened up. There there were
reports I found out at a later time, services was
(31:16):
called to his father's house. Like there's been so much
that has been kept from me that when I try
to just ask about certain things, he'll shut down and
he won't say anything.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Thank you, and I mean this for all of you.
Thank you for participating and engaging with this conversation. There's
one idea I want to try to get as across
from you that I think will help get us on
the road to healing. Are you okay with that?
Speaker 2 (31:43):
Open with everything?
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Well, there's one there's one task I need you to accomplish.
I think there's something mysterious about Elijah.
Speaker 2 (31:55):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Why did that make you smile?
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Because that's he's magical, He's mysterious, He's miss all of that.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
If I say something that upsets or offends you, will
you please yell at me about it? Because I want
you to feel. I have to say what I need
to say, but I want you to be okay to
get mad at me if you need to be.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
And I know where it's coming from and I know
it's coming from good intentions.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Let me say this, I think there's something mysterious about him.
He keeps doing things that I, as a psychotherapist, experience
as unusual. For example, he doesn't currently have the most
connected relationship with you, and he has every opportunity to
(32:44):
keep it that way, and he doesn't like he does
not have to participate in this therapy process, but he
chooses to. At his lowest moment, he did not have
to call you, but he did. Now, there's something about
him that he's not gonna overtly I mean, I think
(33:05):
that's the mysterious part about him. He's not gonna overtly
tell us why he is doing the things he is doing.
But he keeps doing things that caused me to believe
his mother matters to him, even though he might not
express to me why or how he keeps doing things
that he doesn't have to do, Whereas for me, the
only explanation is his mother matters to him. I believe
(33:30):
his mom is angry and hurt, and I think the
presence of the anger and hurt makes it hard for
him to reconnect with his mother. I actually agree with him.
I think he's a new person at twenty two than
he was at ten when all of this started, or
whatever age you was. Yes, so does everything I said
(33:50):
so far sound fair? Absolutely okay with me calling him mysterious?
You're okay with me thinking that you matter to him
even though he can't express it in that way, Like, you're.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
Okay with all of it because it's all true.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
So if that's true, you have one very simple task, gladys.
Speaker 2 (34:07):
Yes, work on not being angry.
Speaker 1 (34:11):
No, okay, The task is going to require you to
not be angry, But there's a simple task that's far
simpler than that.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Now, you're gonna have to let go of the past,
you're gonna have to let go of anger, and we
can do all of that. But the task you have
to accomplish is getting to know him for him today. Yes, yes,
I think the past is clouding your ability to connect
with him today.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
That's absolutely correct. Okay.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
So what you have is a wonderful, sensitive, albeit mysterious
child who I think is impacted by constantly bringing up
the past, which he very likely experiences as traumatic.
Speaker 2 (34:51):
Well, let me ask, how how do we get over
if I don't even bring up the past?
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Live that up to me. Leave that up to me,
thank you. Your job is to is to just connect
with him. Okay, that's easy, and let go of the
anger in the past in that connection.
Speaker 2 (35:08):
It's absolutely easy. I can That's what I can do.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
And I will tell you, Gladys, there is something about
him that needs something from you, but we don't yet
know him well enough to know what that is. And
I'm going to help you with that, Like that's the
whole point of all of this. But you are not
the first person in this process to tell me that
you did not expect him to be a part of this,
(35:34):
and yet here he is. Okay, before we start guessing,
before we get angry or resentful, let's first figure out
what he wants from his mom. Yes, because right now
we don't currently know that.
Speaker 2 (35:49):
I'm waiting.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
I'm gonna guess, Gladys, based on my experience and knowledge
of people. It's not for him to read court document,
it's not for him to think any differently about his dad.
I'm gonna guess what he needs has very little to
do with all of that shit. Before we can figure
(36:11):
out what he needs, let's get to know him a bit. Yeah,
because he's breaking the rule, and it's fascinating to me
why he's doing it, like he's hurt, angered, traumatized, but
also present. Yes, that's unusual, so let's figure out what
is driving them.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
I need you to be the best version of you,
and we have to put down the anger and the resentment,
all of them, even if anger and resentment are warranted. Like,
I hope you, I hope you don't experience me as
telling you like you shouldn't feel this way. I'm simply
saying it's not helping.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
Oh yeah, I know. In truth be told, it's not
about anybody outside of me, Elliott. It's not helping me
because when I'm angry, most don't even know what I'm angry.
I'm not able to move in my life.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Correct, Gladys. I've known you now for like twenty minutes
of your life, and I can already tell you're not
a very hard person to read. Like, when you're angry,
people can see it. When you're happy, people can see it.
You're a very expressive person. So I'm sure Elijah can
(37:21):
tell when you're angry, and I'm equally sure it's impacting him. Yeah, Okay,
I know.
Speaker 2 (37:26):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
How do you think we did in our first conversation? Wonderful?
Speaker 2 (37:31):
I'm so grateful, Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
As we close today's conversation, I want to acknowledge the
courage it takes to sit in the middle of your
deepest wounds and still choose healing. Gladys has shown us
what it looks like to love someone so profoundly that,
even after years of estrangement, anger, silence, and fear, she
continues to reach for the possibility of a renewed relationship
(37:56):
with her son. We explored how anger, even justifying it, anger,
can stand between us and the connections we desire. We
talked about how distance doesn't always mean disconnection, as shown
in the moment when Elijah called his mother during a
period of suicidal thoughts. That call wasn't an accident. It
was a sign that despite the years of difficulty, there
(38:19):
remains a thread between them that is never fully broken.
For anyone listening who carries anger, estrangement, or the weight
of a loved one's mental health struggles, I want you
to hear this. Healing is possible, Reconnection is possible. Sometimes
the first step isn't changing the other person, it's softening
(38:39):
the space within ourselves so connection can find a way
back in. Here are a few questions you can ask
yourself to support your own healing journey. What anger am
I holding on to that may be protecting me but
also preventing me from reconnecting with someone I love? Is
(39:06):
there a part of my story that I've been repeating
for so long that I haven't given myself permission to
reimagine a new chapter when I feel rejected or ignored?
(39:26):
What fear is sitting underneath that feeling? Fear of loss,
fear of not being enough, fear of being heard again.
What would moving forward look like if it didn't depend
on resolving the past first? To everyone listening, healing isn't linear,
(39:59):
it isn't right, But the moment you choose to approach
your relationships with curiosity instead of certainty, with compassion instead
of anger, you create a new possibility. Thank you for
being here with us, and we'll see you in the
next session. I would love to hear from you about
your healing journey, your family, and your feedback. Leave a review,
(40:22):
send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks,
and you can also send me a text message to
nine seven two four two six two six four zero.
Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black
Effect podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.
It's produced by jack Quice Thomas and the executive producer
Dolly s. Fisham. For more podcasts from The Black Effect,
(40:45):
visit the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows. The content presented on the Family Therapy podcast
serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not
be considered a replacement for personalized metal or mental health guidance,
and does not constitute a provider of patient relationship. It
is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health
(41:06):
team for any specific concern or questions you may have.
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