January 28, 2026 • 25 mins
In this session, Elliott discusses a dynamic form of patience, particularly the kind tested when we deeply care about someone who isn't meeting their potential. This episode features Gladys, who shares her experience with her younger sister, Jasmine, as the latter transitions to a new environment in Georgia. Gladys illustrates her frustration, love, and the difficulty of supporting someone who isn't ready to take action. The conversation explores the challenges of dealing with old behaviors in new environments and highlights the importance of patience and participation in fostering change.
The session closes with crucial questions to help listeners manage their impatience and anxiety, emphasizing the need to ask better questions to achieve better outcomes.
Learn More: ElliottConnie.com
Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640
Read: Change Your Questions, Change Your Future
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Elliott Connie, and this is family theory.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Welcome back. Today's session is about patience, but not the quiet,
passive kind. This is the plant of patience that gets
tested when you care deeply, when you see potential, when
you know what's possible for someone you love and they're
just not seeing it yet. You're going to hear from
Gladys today, and if you've been listening, you already know
(00:30):
she's clear, decisive, deeply loving, and fiercely protective. In this session,
she says something that really stuck with me. She says,
I'm sitting on the outside and I'm seeing things my
little sister is doing. I know there's change, but I
also know there's a lot of immaturity. That sentence right there,
(00:52):
that's the tension. Gladdys isn't speaking from judgment. She's speaking
from responsibility, from showing up, from rearranging her own life,
even changing her work schedule to support her sister and
her nephew. And yet she finds herself overwhelmed, irritated, and
hurt because what she's offering doesn't seem to be landing.
(01:15):
She says, I don't want to coddle you when you're
not taking action. I'm trying to heal my own things,
and I don't want to take on what you're not
ready to take on for yourself. That's not anger, that's
someone reaching the edge of their emotional capacity. In this conversation,
we explore what happens when one person is ready for
(01:36):
clarity and structure and the other is still carrying old
behaviors into new environments. We talk about how change actually works,
why it rarely happens on our time, and why impatience
often shows up when we want more for the people
we love than they seemingly want for themselves, when we
(01:58):
see fear and patterns creating repetitions of pain on what
is supposed to be a new path, and we talk
about how patience doesn't mean becoming a bystander. It means
participation and figuring out how to be safely involved. It
means modeling what you hope someone else will learn, even
when it's uncomfortable. Change happens over time and everyone adapts differently.
(02:23):
It's important to give our loved ones time to adjust,
and also taking a moment to ourselves to adjust to
their changes and how it ultimately changes us. Let's get
into the session.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
It really truly loved my little sister, and I love
the fact that you know, she's naroed down here, but
I also know that there are a lot of things
that are not being spoken on or addressed in ways
that I'm able to see it fully. I feel like
(02:58):
over the last week since she's been down here. In
our last session, Elliott, I said, I kind of was.
I got that the session kind of like I won't
say bothered, but I would say irritated. Irritated in a
way because I'm sitting on the outside and I'm seeing
things that my little sister's doing, and I know that
(03:19):
there's change, but I also know that there's a lot
of immaturity as well. It's easy for her to be
able to speak over the phone and say something, but
in actuality take full responsibility. It's been really difficult. Jacques
asked me, like, have I expressed my feelings to her?
And I said, oh, I'm very expressed, Like you know,
(03:40):
I definitely do. And honestly, once we got off that session, Elliott,
because I was surprised about a couple of things. I
was surprised at what she said that she would really
want to travel, she would really want to spend more
time getting to know herself. And I feel like I
actually feel like she's been doing that, like you know
what I mean. So that was kind of like, wait, what,
(04:02):
I know that you're tapping more into yourself, but when
you say travel, I'm like, damn, says you always traveling?
Like you know. So so anyway, so when I got
off the session, I sat down with her and I said, Sis,
do you need some time? Do you need two weeks?
I said, because now you're here. And I told you
from the very beginning when you wanted to come here
three years ago, like I wanted you to be here
(04:23):
because I understand what's taken place. But I also need
you to understand you have a huge responsibility to.
Speaker 4 (04:31):
Be better than okay and just just trying to survive
because you have all of the assets that you have
everything to be able to do what you need to do.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
But I'm like, if you don't do it, then job
can't do it. And so anyway, so like I feel
like since she's been here, there's some things that have
come up within the family that she with her family
on the way here. Let me excuse me, Let me
just back up, Elliott, let me just back up. For
(05:05):
a year, I've been speaking to my little sister about
this move, so I was like, you know, once I
got to Boston, my little sister was not prepared at
all to move. So I was already pissed off about
that because I'm like, why are you packing while I'm here.
We've been speaking for weeks. I've been asking you certain
things like do you need help, what are you doing?
(05:26):
What do you what are you getting rid of? And
you're telling me you have everything completed, and then when
I'm actually here, you don't have anything, And now I
can't help you because at this point I've been trying
to get better and I wasn't feeling well, so I
can't help you with certain things. But you're not ready
when you tell people you're ready. So that started off
(05:47):
the trip down here, and then it also started off
for me seeing and hearing how her behavior is when
it comes to her mom and her siblings on her
side of the family and what they expect from each other,
what they don't. But everything has to do with a
lot of as far as material things, and I feel
like a lot of manipulation and that bothers me. Elliott.
(06:10):
It bothers me because I'm so tired of seeing broken families.
I'm so tired of brokenness. And when everybody wants to
talk about like, oh, I'm getting ready, I'm getting ready
to do certain things, I'm working on myself, what have
you. You can sit there and you can tell other people that,
but you're not doing it with the people that you
need to do it with. And it just makes me like,
(06:32):
there's so much over this last week that I feel
so overwhelmed with. When I hear my little sister say
things that I know are there's a lot of different emotions,
but even with her mom, like just the feeling of
just continuing to say that your mom doesn't support you.
And I have seen differently, think, you know what I mean.
I get there's things that you need from your mom,
(06:53):
But you can't tell me that your mom doesn't support you.
You can't say that she raised your daughter, like you
know what I mean, just even on the way to Georgia,
she sent you money, she sent you fund so for
you to say that you don't get support and then
I don't know, I don't know, but anyway, I feel
like the whole entire time now that she's been here.
She's been really secretive. I told her I would help
(07:15):
her out. She wants to homeschool him. I've been telling
her how to get that process to happen the first
three days that we were in Georgia. It was Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
She has a rental car. She already knows the situation
that's happening at my house right So I'm like, these
are the things that you have to take care of
if you want ya to be in school. If you
go to homeschool him, like get him in. If you
(07:37):
want to do it, you should send you living with us. Now.
You can be able to apply for school where we're at,
so he can go to the school with my little cousin,
so that he has some familiarity, like you know. But
if you want to homeschool him, this is what I'll do.
I went into work Elliott and I told my bosses
that I switched my schedule. I will now work from
(07:57):
three to eleven eleven because I want to make sure
that Jasmine has all the support that she can have
with jazz Are. So I like, I'll take care of
jazz Are during the morning so that you can get rest.
You work overnight. How are you going to properly do
the things that you want to do if you're not
getting rest. I already see you're everywhere everywhere, and nothing
(08:21):
is getting complete. So I tell her that I'm going
to change my schedule. Elliott, there's just so much she
doesn't I don't know. It's it's weird. I haven't had
this type of interaction with her in the sense of
your right now here and you're living where you want
to live. You're acting towards people like my mother, my aunt,
(08:44):
the family members in the house. You know everybody here,
but now that you're here, you're acting like you can't
we're oppressing you, or we're not supporting you, like you know,
when we're just asking you, how can we be of assistant?
We see where you need assistance, we know where you
need assistance, And now that you're here, you're now shutting
down with us. And I don't know how not to
(09:07):
speak on important matters like this, So I've just stepped
all the way back, and so it's been very Her
and my energy have not meshed at all because I'm like,
you're avoiding things that needs to happen, and I don't
know how to talk about it. So I'm like, if
you feel like you need to be in your own space,
like they're like, if you feel like whatever the cases
(09:29):
you need, then you need and on the outside whenever
you're ready to ask or say like cis, I'm here,
but I'm not going to stand here and coddle you
when you're showing me you're not even taking action in
just the simplest things of just being ready prepared for
(09:49):
the things that we've been speaking on, and now it's here.
I don't know, and I don't want to take on
what me and myself and I like, I'm I'm trying
to heal with Elijah. I don't want to take on
things that you're not ready to take on for yourself,
So why should I be a part? And that's why
I said with this session, it's a great session, But
(10:10):
if I can't speak to you after the session and
tell you how I feel without you just being dismissive
and shutting down and being like, oh well, I don't
want to hear about this and walk away like what
am I doing right now? What do we do? I
don't know if it made sense.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
No, it does make sense, and I do have several questions,
what was the reason, Like, what is Jasmine trying to
accomplish in her life by moving to Georgia.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
From the very beginning, it was to be able to
have a better environment for my nephew. When she saw
him here three years ago, she well, let me just
say this, her mom's already from Georgia, so there's been
talks in the family that they wanted to move down here. However,
when she saw Jazzier here three years ago, she has
(11:00):
been on like, no, I got to get down there
because of his Like, the environment for him is so
much better, and I feel so much better. So that's
what I've always.
Speaker 5 (11:09):
Thought, like.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
And and then over time I know it has to
do with family up there too in Boston, but that's family,
so you're never not going to be away from family
with distance. Wise, so yes, Jasmine wanted to be here
for her and her son to have a different life.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
And from your perspective, what would you like to see
Jasmine doing that she's not currently doing.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
I want her to be present, And.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
How would you love to be with being present? What
would you see her doing that would tell you this
is her being present?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
Because school has started down here, Elliott. So whatever you're
going to plan to do with him, whether it's going
to be homeschool or if it's going to be school,
be present and get him acclimated. Like that's right now.
That's my biggest thing from the very beginning. I told
her that she went to the school districts the other
(12:10):
day what I had said to her. She went actually
to speak to the school. They told her pretty much
the same thing that my family has been saying. Because
my family there's many kids that have gone to school,
like from my family here, so they started school here.
It is a good school district, and my nephew has
an IEP, so it's even better for him if he
(12:33):
gets into this school district that he can probably stay
regardless of if she moves to her apartment, that would
be out of our district. Right, So we tell her this,
she goes to the school, they tell her the same
exact thing, and there's still no movement of what needs
to be taken care of. But she'll get up, she's
(12:54):
on the phone, or she'll zone out for a while
as far as the present structured, because he needs that, Elliott,
he needs that, and when he has that, it's easier
for her to be able to do what she wants
to do. It's my biggest thing for me is that
(13:16):
you're here. We've been speaking about this for years. I've
been taking care of children for years. Of course, I'm
gonna help you. I must support you. But if you
tell me you want me to do something, I'm gonna
put my all into it. And I'm gonna expect the
same from you. More so because I knew you loved
your son, but you just don't know how to do
it right now, and you need help. And so in
(13:40):
me offering help, in you saying you need help, I'm
here and I'm telling you how I can help you,
and like in giving you information, and now you're upset
with me and you don't want to talk to me,
or you shut down with me. But my major thing
is for her to get done, her settled, and everything
outside that, it's oh, I got to wait till I move.
(14:02):
You are already moved. You're here. You're just waiting to
get into your apartment, like you know what you mean.
But even if you're in your apartment, I already know
how you live. Shit follows you no matter where you're at.
I know how communication is if she's upset about something,
she's just shut down. And I know it very well
(14:22):
because this is the same thing she doesn't like about
my dad. But there's so much alike in this manner.
They just shut down and then they don't talk for
however long, and then when they come back, it's like, oh, hi,
like you know. And but now it's different because now
you're in my face for sleeping right next to each other,
like you you're going to plan to be here, You're
(14:44):
going to be twenty minutes away from me. Of course,
anything I want to be able to do to help
you act with me. And one thousand percent here How
old is j seven? What grade? He's in second grade?
And he has optism? First of all, all children learn
at their own speed. My nephew is brilliant. I know
(15:07):
that what he's just with me, like in visiting over
the years. All he needs is structure like any other kid.
He's seven, he's active. I'm happy that he's here because
I have my little cousin that's here, who's six years old.
She's a miracle baby because she was born braindead but
she thrives. These two are so perfect to be able
(15:30):
to go through through their time together. Like you know,
so I feel like everything is here and everything that
Giane Jasmine needs is here, right, It's just more so
of getting her to move without feeling like you're threatened
or Oh, I don't feel like all of these things.
(15:52):
I tell you, Elliott, I just was really surprised by
just a lot of things with you hearing with our
session asking her, I want to say.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Something about that, but I really need your help. So
can you help me?
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Anderson?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
But I want to tell you specifically what I need
your help with you. You are a very very clear
and decisive person. Are you okay with me calling you that?
Speaker 4 (16:19):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
And it seems to me that your sister is not
as clear nor decisive. Yes, And I hear your frustration
because I also think you're a very passionate person. And
as a result of you loving your sister and loving
(16:40):
your nephew, you want them to achieve certain things in
a very passionate way. Would you agree with that?
Speaker 4 (16:48):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Okay, So, given that those few things are true, I
need your help because this process will take time. Whenever
someone moves into a new environment, they always bring their
old behaviors into that new environment, always every time, So
(17:10):
your brain because you're so clear and you're so decisive.
Your brain is like, what the hell are you doing?
You're in this new environment. We've been talking about this
for years. Why are you behaving in the old way?
And the reason, Gladys is because that is exactly what
human beings do. And I agree. I want her to
make certain changes in her life. I want her to
(17:32):
prioritize what's good for her son. I want her to
learn how to be appreciative of her mother. I want
her to reconnect with who she is and start making
more mature decisions. But the first step in that process
is people always bring their old behaviors into new environments.
That's just how humans adjust. So I need two things
(17:53):
from you. The first thing I need is your patience,
and the second thing I need is your participation, because
you're gonna help be Like I hate to use this word, well,
I don't hate to it might not be the right R,
but you're gonna help model for Jasmine what direct communication
(18:15):
looks like, and what assertiveness looks like, and what taken
on challenges head on looks like, because those are things
you do naturally, and for whatever reason, Jasmine doesn't. But
there's going to be a learning curve on her way
to those things, and you're expecting immediacy, like hey, you
moved to Atlanta, let's go like, come on, let's do it.
(18:35):
But that's not how change works. There's not a whole
lot that you've said that I like, disagree with or
want to argue with. I just want you to understand
it's a process, and that process is drastically impacted in
a negative way without Gladys's participation.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
Understand.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
So what do you think about me saying.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
That, appreciate your honesty and I understand I share so much,
or my siblings like you know what I mean, and
I share my struggles. They've seen me struggle, they've seen
me great adversity, like you know, thank you for telling me. Sorry,
that's received. I just feel like my themes are hurt
because this is not like this is not one of
(19:24):
the first time that you know, my sister stopped speaking
to me, and she didn't speak to me until my
Dee was until I met him three years ago, So
it was the first time I have never spoke to
her for three years. No matter how much I try to
speak on it or speak about it, it's something that
(19:45):
she learned and connect with. So I don't want to
happen now because I already know how she is. But
at the same time, I just want to honor myself,
like I don't appreciate your attitude, you know, appreciate your behavior.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Well, Gues, believe me when I tell you we will
get there, but it's going to have to be more
than one session, and it's gonna have to be a
little bit of time of her being in Georgia. I
understand change doesn't happen like that. And I think the
very first thing, like Gladys, it's not hard to notice
that you're a very passionate, loving, wise person and you
(20:20):
want your sister to learn from you, learn from your mistakes,
learn from these things. And I also believe that there's
been some hurt between you and your sister, and I
think that you have every right and in fact, you
deserve to be able to process that hurt. But the
first thing she needs is a sister. She needs warmth
(20:41):
and care from you first, and then I promise you
we'll do all of those other things. Yes that okay, yes, yess,
you're the very best. So the first thing I want
you to do is build a relationship with like a
sisterly relationship, and within that container we will address the
past hurts, and within that container, change will start to happen.
(21:06):
Because I think you have every right to we have
a process through them with her. Yes, it has to
be within the context of a sixth dearly relations Thank you, Elliot,
Glad you're the best.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
As we close out this session, I want to speak
directly to anyone listening who felt their chest tightened during
this conversation, feeling the anxiety caused by what is and
what we wish would hurry up and change. Anxiety often
comes from fixation. We lock into one thought they should
be further along. Why aren't they doing what we already
(21:43):
talked about? What if nothing changes? And when we get
stuck in that loop, we lose our ability to ask
a different question. That's why at the end of every
episode I leave you with several questions and yes, insert
a shameless plug right here. It's also why I wrote
change your questions, change your future, because the questions you
(22:05):
ask yourself determine the direction your mind goes next. If
you keep asking why are they like this? You will
stay stuck in frustration, and honestly, those types of questions
create a barrier preventing you from seeing small changes. So instead,
if you ask what does patients look like? Without me
(22:26):
abandoning myself, now you've opened a door in this session.
Gladys didn't need to love less, she didn't need to
care less. She needed permission to slow the timeline without
shutting down her heart, and to understand that people don't
shed old behaviors just because the scenery changes. So, as
(22:48):
you sit with this conversation, here are a few questions
you might ask yourself when anxiety or impatience shows up.
What am I expecting to happen in meeting that actually
requires time? Is my anxiety rooted in my ideas and
(23:09):
my hopes? Or am I acknowledging the true reality of
someone else's decisions? Am I reacting to what's happening now
or to a fear of what I think might repeat?
(23:32):
What part of this situation is within my control and
what part isn't. How can I participate in change without
carrying responsibility that isn't mine? What have I been asking
(23:56):
myself repeatedly that I can replace with a better.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Question right now?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Sometimes the most powerful shift doesn't come from pushing harder.
It comes from pausing long enough to ask something nat
change your questions, change the outcome. Thank you for listening.
We'll keep working through this together for you. Next week.
Speaker 5 (24:41):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seven
two four two six two six four zero.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black
Effect podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.
It's produced by Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer
Dolly S.
Speaker 5 (25:07):
Bisham.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
(25:29):
specific concern or questions you may have.
I'm Elliott Connie, and this is family theory.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Welcome back. Today's session is about patience, but not the quiet,
passive kind. This is the plant of patience that gets
tested when you care deeply, when you see potential, when
you know what's possible for someone you love and they're
just not seeing it yet. You're going to hear from
Gladys today, and if you've been listening, you already know
(00:30):
she's clear, decisive, deeply loving, and fiercely protective. In this session,
she says something that really stuck with me. She says,
I'm sitting on the outside and I'm seeing things my
little sister is doing. I know there's change, but I
also know there's a lot of immaturity. That sentence right there,
(00:52):
that's the tension. Gladdys isn't speaking from judgment. She's speaking
from responsibility, from showing up, from rearranging her own life,
even changing her work schedule to support her sister and
her nephew. And yet she finds herself overwhelmed, irritated, and
hurt because what she's offering doesn't seem to be landing.
(01:15):
She says, I don't want to coddle you when you're
not taking action. I'm trying to heal my own things,
and I don't want to take on what you're not
ready to take on for yourself. That's not anger, that's
someone reaching the edge of their emotional capacity. In this conversation,
we explore what happens when one person is ready for
(01:36):
clarity and structure and the other is still carrying old
behaviors into new environments. We talk about how change actually works,
why it rarely happens on our time, and why impatience
often shows up when we want more for the people
we love than they seemingly want for themselves, when we
(01:58):
see fear and patterns creating repetitions of pain on what
is supposed to be a new path, and we talk
about how patience doesn't mean becoming a bystander. It means
participation and figuring out how to be safely involved. It
means modeling what you hope someone else will learn, even
when it's uncomfortable. Change happens over time and everyone adapts differently.
(02:23):
It's important to give our loved ones time to adjust,
and also taking a moment to ourselves to adjust to
their changes and how it ultimately changes us. Let's get
into the session.
Speaker 3 (02:37):
It really truly loved my little sister, and I love
the fact that you know, she's naroed down here, but
I also know that there are a lot of things
that are not being spoken on or addressed in ways
that I'm able to see it fully. I feel like
(02:58):
over the last week since she's been down here. In
our last session, Elliott, I said, I kind of was.
I got that the session kind of like I won't
say bothered, but I would say irritated. Irritated in a
way because I'm sitting on the outside and I'm seeing
things that my little sister's doing, and I know that
(03:19):
there's change, but I also know that there's a lot
of immaturity as well. It's easy for her to be
able to speak over the phone and say something, but
in actuality take full responsibility. It's been really difficult. Jacques
asked me, like, have I expressed my feelings to her?
And I said, oh, I'm very expressed, Like you know,
(03:40):
I definitely do. And honestly, once we got off that session, Elliott,
because I was surprised about a couple of things. I
was surprised at what she said that she would really
want to travel, she would really want to spend more
time getting to know herself. And I feel like I
actually feel like she's been doing that, like you know
what I mean. So that was kind of like, wait, what,
(04:02):
I know that you're tapping more into yourself, but when
you say travel, I'm like, damn, says you always traveling?
Like you know. So so anyway, so when I got
off the session, I sat down with her and I said, Sis,
do you need some time? Do you need two weeks?
I said, because now you're here. And I told you
from the very beginning when you wanted to come here
three years ago, like I wanted you to be here
(04:23):
because I understand what's taken place. But I also need
you to understand you have a huge responsibility to.
Speaker 4 (04:31):
Be better than okay and just just trying to survive
because you have all of the assets that you have
everything to be able to do what you need to do.
Speaker 3 (04:43):
But I'm like, if you don't do it, then job
can't do it. And so anyway, so like I feel
like since she's been here, there's some things that have
come up within the family that she with her family
on the way here. Let me excuse me, Let me
just back up, Elliott, let me just back up. For
(05:05):
a year, I've been speaking to my little sister about
this move, so I was like, you know, once I
got to Boston, my little sister was not prepared at
all to move. So I was already pissed off about
that because I'm like, why are you packing while I'm here.
We've been speaking for weeks. I've been asking you certain
things like do you need help, what are you doing?
(05:26):
What do you what are you getting rid of? And
you're telling me you have everything completed, and then when
I'm actually here, you don't have anything, And now I
can't help you because at this point I've been trying
to get better and I wasn't feeling well, so I
can't help you with certain things. But you're not ready
when you tell people you're ready. So that started off
(05:47):
the trip down here, and then it also started off
for me seeing and hearing how her behavior is when
it comes to her mom and her siblings on her
side of the family and what they expect from each other,
what they don't. But everything has to do with a
lot of as far as material things, and I feel
like a lot of manipulation and that bothers me. Elliott.
(06:10):
It bothers me because I'm so tired of seeing broken families.
I'm so tired of brokenness. And when everybody wants to
talk about like, oh, I'm getting ready, I'm getting ready
to do certain things, I'm working on myself, what have
you. You can sit there and you can tell other people that,
but you're not doing it with the people that you
need to do it with. And it just makes me like,
(06:32):
there's so much over this last week that I feel
so overwhelmed with. When I hear my little sister say
things that I know are there's a lot of different emotions,
but even with her mom, like just the feeling of
just continuing to say that your mom doesn't support you.
And I have seen differently, think, you know what I mean.
I get there's things that you need from your mom,
(06:53):
But you can't tell me that your mom doesn't support you.
You can't say that she raised your daughter, like you
know what I mean, just even on the way to Georgia,
she sent you money, she sent you fund so for
you to say that you don't get support and then
I don't know, I don't know, but anyway, I feel
like the whole entire time now that she's been here.
She's been really secretive. I told her I would help
(07:15):
her out. She wants to homeschool him. I've been telling
her how to get that process to happen the first
three days that we were in Georgia. It was Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
She has a rental car. She already knows the situation
that's happening at my house right So I'm like, these
are the things that you have to take care of
if you want ya to be in school. If you
go to homeschool him, like get him in. If you
(07:37):
want to do it, you should send you living with us. Now.
You can be able to apply for school where we're at,
so he can go to the school with my little cousin,
so that he has some familiarity, like you know. But
if you want to homeschool him, this is what I'll do.
I went into work Elliott and I told my bosses
that I switched my schedule. I will now work from
(07:57):
three to eleven eleven because I want to make sure
that Jasmine has all the support that she can have
with jazz Are. So I like, I'll take care of
jazz Are during the morning so that you can get rest.
You work overnight. How are you going to properly do
the things that you want to do if you're not
getting rest. I already see you're everywhere everywhere, and nothing
(08:21):
is getting complete. So I tell her that I'm going
to change my schedule. Elliott, there's just so much she
doesn't I don't know. It's it's weird. I haven't had
this type of interaction with her in the sense of
your right now here and you're living where you want
to live. You're acting towards people like my mother, my aunt,
(08:44):
the family members in the house. You know everybody here,
but now that you're here, you're acting like you can't
we're oppressing you, or we're not supporting you, like you know,
when we're just asking you, how can we be of assistant?
We see where you need assistance, we know where you
need assistance, And now that you're here, you're now shutting
down with us. And I don't know how not to
(09:07):
speak on important matters like this, So I've just stepped
all the way back, and so it's been very Her
and my energy have not meshed at all because I'm like,
you're avoiding things that needs to happen, and I don't
know how to talk about it. So I'm like, if
you feel like you need to be in your own space,
like they're like, if you feel like whatever the cases
(09:29):
you need, then you need and on the outside whenever
you're ready to ask or say like cis, I'm here,
but I'm not going to stand here and coddle you
when you're showing me you're not even taking action in
just the simplest things of just being ready prepared for
(09:49):
the things that we've been speaking on, and now it's here.
I don't know, and I don't want to take on
what me and myself and I like, I'm I'm trying
to heal with Elijah. I don't want to take on
things that you're not ready to take on for yourself,
So why should I be a part? And that's why
I said with this session, it's a great session, But
(10:10):
if I can't speak to you after the session and
tell you how I feel without you just being dismissive
and shutting down and being like, oh well, I don't
want to hear about this and walk away like what
am I doing right now? What do we do? I
don't know if it made sense.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
No, it does make sense, and I do have several questions,
what was the reason, Like, what is Jasmine trying to
accomplish in her life by moving to Georgia.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
From the very beginning, it was to be able to
have a better environment for my nephew. When she saw
him here three years ago, she well, let me just
say this, her mom's already from Georgia, so there's been
talks in the family that they wanted to move down here. However,
when she saw Jazzier here three years ago, she has
(11:00):
been on like, no, I got to get down there
because of his Like, the environment for him is so
much better, and I feel so much better. So that's
what I've always.
Speaker 5 (11:09):
Thought, like.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
And and then over time I know it has to
do with family up there too in Boston, but that's family,
so you're never not going to be away from family
with distance. Wise, so yes, Jasmine wanted to be here
for her and her son to have a different life.
Speaker 2 (11:34):
And from your perspective, what would you like to see
Jasmine doing that she's not currently doing.
Speaker 3 (11:40):
I want her to be present, And.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
How would you love to be with being present? What
would you see her doing that would tell you this
is her being present?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
Because school has started down here, Elliott. So whatever you're
going to plan to do with him, whether it's going
to be homeschool or if it's going to be school,
be present and get him acclimated. Like that's right now.
That's my biggest thing from the very beginning. I told
her that she went to the school districts the other
(12:10):
day what I had said to her. She went actually
to speak to the school. They told her pretty much
the same thing that my family has been saying. Because
my family there's many kids that have gone to school,
like from my family here, so they started school here.
It is a good school district, and my nephew has
an IEP, so it's even better for him if he
(12:33):
gets into this school district that he can probably stay
regardless of if she moves to her apartment, that would
be out of our district. Right, So we tell her this,
she goes to the school, they tell her the same
exact thing, and there's still no movement of what needs
to be taken care of. But she'll get up, she's
(12:54):
on the phone, or she'll zone out for a while
as far as the present structured, because he needs that, Elliott,
he needs that, and when he has that, it's easier
for her to be able to do what she wants
to do. It's my biggest thing for me is that
(13:16):
you're here. We've been speaking about this for years. I've
been taking care of children for years. Of course, I'm
gonna help you. I must support you. But if you
tell me you want me to do something, I'm gonna
put my all into it. And I'm gonna expect the
same from you. More so because I knew you loved
your son, but you just don't know how to do
it right now, and you need help. And so in
(13:40):
me offering help, in you saying you need help, I'm
here and I'm telling you how I can help you,
and like in giving you information, and now you're upset
with me and you don't want to talk to me,
or you shut down with me. But my major thing
is for her to get done, her settled, and everything
outside that, it's oh, I got to wait till I move.
(14:02):
You are already moved. You're here. You're just waiting to
get into your apartment, like you know what you mean.
But even if you're in your apartment, I already know
how you live. Shit follows you no matter where you're at.
I know how communication is if she's upset about something,
she's just shut down. And I know it very well
(14:22):
because this is the same thing she doesn't like about
my dad. But there's so much alike in this manner.
They just shut down and then they don't talk for
however long, and then when they come back, it's like, oh, hi,
like you know. And but now it's different because now
you're in my face for sleeping right next to each other,
like you you're going to plan to be here, You're
(14:44):
going to be twenty minutes away from me. Of course,
anything I want to be able to do to help
you act with me. And one thousand percent here How
old is j seven? What grade? He's in second grade?
And he has optism? First of all, all children learn
at their own speed. My nephew is brilliant. I know
(15:07):
that what he's just with me, like in visiting over
the years. All he needs is structure like any other kid.
He's seven, he's active. I'm happy that he's here because
I have my little cousin that's here, who's six years old.
She's a miracle baby because she was born braindead but
she thrives. These two are so perfect to be able
(15:30):
to go through through their time together. Like you know,
so I feel like everything is here and everything that
Giane Jasmine needs is here, right, It's just more so
of getting her to move without feeling like you're threatened
or Oh, I don't feel like all of these things.
(15:52):
I tell you, Elliott, I just was really surprised by
just a lot of things with you hearing with our
session asking her, I want to say.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Something about that, but I really need your help. So
can you help me?
Speaker 3 (16:05):
Anderson?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
But I want to tell you specifically what I need
your help with you. You are a very very clear
and decisive person. Are you okay with me calling you that?
Speaker 4 (16:19):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (16:20):
And it seems to me that your sister is not
as clear nor decisive. Yes, And I hear your frustration
because I also think you're a very passionate person. And
as a result of you loving your sister and loving
(16:40):
your nephew, you want them to achieve certain things in
a very passionate way. Would you agree with that?
Speaker 4 (16:48):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Okay, So, given that those few things are true, I
need your help because this process will take time. Whenever
someone moves into a new environment, they always bring their
old behaviors into that new environment, always every time, So
(17:10):
your brain because you're so clear and you're so decisive.
Your brain is like, what the hell are you doing?
You're in this new environment. We've been talking about this
for years. Why are you behaving in the old way?
And the reason, Gladys is because that is exactly what
human beings do. And I agree. I want her to
make certain changes in her life. I want her to
(17:32):
prioritize what's good for her son. I want her to
learn how to be appreciative of her mother. I want
her to reconnect with who she is and start making
more mature decisions. But the first step in that process
is people always bring their old behaviors into new environments.
That's just how humans adjust. So I need two things
(17:53):
from you. The first thing I need is your patience,
and the second thing I need is your participation, because
you're gonna help be Like I hate to use this word, well,
I don't hate to it might not be the right R,
but you're gonna help model for Jasmine what direct communication
(18:15):
looks like, and what assertiveness looks like, and what taken
on challenges head on looks like, because those are things
you do naturally, and for whatever reason, Jasmine doesn't. But
there's going to be a learning curve on her way
to those things, and you're expecting immediacy, like hey, you
moved to Atlanta, let's go like, come on, let's do it.
(18:35):
But that's not how change works. There's not a whole
lot that you've said that I like, disagree with or
want to argue with. I just want you to understand
it's a process, and that process is drastically impacted in
a negative way without Gladys's participation.
Speaker 3 (18:57):
Understand.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
So what do you think about me saying.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
That, appreciate your honesty and I understand I share so much,
or my siblings like you know what I mean, and
I share my struggles. They've seen me struggle, they've seen
me great adversity, like you know, thank you for telling me. Sorry,
that's received. I just feel like my themes are hurt
because this is not like this is not one of
(19:24):
the first time that you know, my sister stopped speaking
to me, and she didn't speak to me until my
Dee was until I met him three years ago, So
it was the first time I have never spoke to
her for three years. No matter how much I try to
speak on it or speak about it, it's something that
(19:45):
she learned and connect with. So I don't want to
happen now because I already know how she is. But
at the same time, I just want to honor myself,
like I don't appreciate your attitude, you know, appreciate your behavior.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
Well, Gues, believe me when I tell you we will
get there, but it's going to have to be more
than one session, and it's gonna have to be a
little bit of time of her being in Georgia. I
understand change doesn't happen like that. And I think the
very first thing, like Gladys, it's not hard to notice
that you're a very passionate, loving, wise person and you
(20:20):
want your sister to learn from you, learn from your mistakes,
learn from these things. And I also believe that there's
been some hurt between you and your sister, and I
think that you have every right and in fact, you
deserve to be able to process that hurt. But the
first thing she needs is a sister. She needs warmth
(20:41):
and care from you first, and then I promise you
we'll do all of those other things. Yes that okay, yes, yess,
you're the very best. So the first thing I want
you to do is build a relationship with like a
sisterly relationship, and within that container we will address the
past hurts, and within that container, change will start to happen.
(21:06):
Because I think you have every right to we have
a process through them with her. Yes, it has to
be within the context of a sixth dearly relations Thank you, Elliot,
Glad you're the best.
Speaker 3 (21:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
As we close out this session, I want to speak
directly to anyone listening who felt their chest tightened during
this conversation, feeling the anxiety caused by what is and
what we wish would hurry up and change. Anxiety often
comes from fixation. We lock into one thought they should
be further along. Why aren't they doing what we already
(21:43):
talked about? What if nothing changes? And when we get
stuck in that loop, we lose our ability to ask
a different question. That's why at the end of every
episode I leave you with several questions and yes, insert
a shameless plug right here. It's also why I wrote
change your questions, change your future, because the questions you
(22:05):
ask yourself determine the direction your mind goes next. If
you keep asking why are they like this? You will
stay stuck in frustration, and honestly, those types of questions
create a barrier preventing you from seeing small changes. So instead,
if you ask what does patients look like? Without me
(22:26):
abandoning myself, now you've opened a door in this session.
Gladys didn't need to love less, she didn't need to
care less. She needed permission to slow the timeline without
shutting down her heart, and to understand that people don't
shed old behaviors just because the scenery changes. So, as
(22:48):
you sit with this conversation, here are a few questions
you might ask yourself when anxiety or impatience shows up.
What am I expecting to happen in meeting that actually
requires time? Is my anxiety rooted in my ideas and
(23:09):
my hopes? Or am I acknowledging the true reality of
someone else's decisions? Am I reacting to what's happening now
or to a fear of what I think might repeat?
(23:32):
What part of this situation is within my control and
what part isn't. How can I participate in change without
carrying responsibility that isn't mine? What have I been asking
(23:56):
myself repeatedly that I can replace with a better.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Question right now?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Sometimes the most powerful shift doesn't come from pushing harder.
It comes from pausing long enough to ask something nat
change your questions, change the outcome. Thank you for listening.
We'll keep working through this together for you. Next week.
Speaker 5 (24:41):
I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
can also send me a text message to nine seven
two four two six two six four zero.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black
Effect podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.
It's produced by Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer
Dolly S.
Speaker 5 (25:07):
Bisham.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to
consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
(25:29):
specific concern or questions you may have.
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