January 7, 2026 • 26 mins
In this episode, we explore the evolving relationship between Elijah and his Uncle Chris. The session begins with both sharing their hopes for building trust and understanding each other better. Chris expresses a desire to unify the family and become a key connector, while Elijah admits to uncertainty but shows openness to understanding. Despite a technical issue causing Elijah to drop off, Chris continues to discuss his plans for reconnecting the family through consistent communication and leadership, inspired by traditional family roles like 'Big Mama.' The episode highlights the importance of ongoing commitment, small consistent actions, and the willingness to take responsibility in family relationships.
Learn More: ElliottConnie.com
Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640
Read: Change Your Questions, Change Your Future
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm Elliot Conne and this is Family Therapist. Welcome back.
In this episode, we're focusing on the relationship between Elijah
and his uncle Chris. Every session, I start with the
same question, what are your best hopes from our talking?
I ask this particular question in order to understand where
each member is on their journey and to help them
(00:24):
focus on the outcome from the conversation rather than the problem.
In this session, Chris shares something that sets the tone
for everything that follows. He says his best hope is
coming together, trying to get to know each other and
building trust from here on into the future. That word future,
it matters. Elijah, on the other hand, is honest in
(00:48):
a different way. He admits he isn't sure what connection
will change between them. He says, I don't see Uncle
Chris very often, so I don't actually know, and that
uncertainty is because it's where a lot of real relationships
actually begin, not with certainty, but with curiosity. This conversation
(01:09):
unfolds in two parts. First, Eliza and Chris are both present,
asking questions, testing understandings, and naming things that are usually
left unsaid, like anger, regret, and distance within families. Then,
due to technical difficulties, Eliza drops from the session, but
(01:29):
what happens next is just as meaningful. In the second half,
we stay with Chris as he talks about his desire
to step into a new role, not just as an uncle,
but as a connector, someone willing to do the small
but consistent work of reaching out, holding space, and rebuilding
family routines over time. This episode is really about building
(01:53):
consistency merely by being present, by showing up, sending the text,
making the call, staying committed even when the relationship doesn't
immediately respond. So let's get into the session. What are
your best hopes from talking with.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Me, connecting with my family, and especially with this session,
for both of us to get to know each other
a little bit more man, nephew, because.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
I know we've haven't talked a lot, but.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Try to, you know, see if he has any answers
for me, any views that we can share both together.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
So that's my.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Thing, Chris, how do you hope getting to know Elijah
will make a difference in your life? How do you
hope getting to know him, getting some answers from him,
giving some answers to him? How do you hope they'll
make a difference for him.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
You know, coming together as understanding between them, you know,
even though like we you know, he's my nephew, I'm
his uncle, still trying to get to know each other,
to know of you see what you know, what I
think about family and stuff like that, out of how
I address issues, how he address issues. That way is
(03:12):
better for us to have a good communication, to build
trust between each other from here on, you know, to
the creature.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
And keep that connection and let him know that I'm
always here for him.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
How would have a connection to your nephew make a
difference in your life.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
To better understand because he's you know, a lot younger
than me. So it also helped me connect with my
children and my grandchildren because we all have different views, especially.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Between you know, growing up.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
When then understand me from his point of view how
he see things, and that would help me understand, you know,
like I said, my children, his cousins and being able
to relate a lot more got you.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Okay, and Elijah, what about you? What do you hope
to come from this conversation?
Speaker 4 (03:57):
I would like to, you know, go over the topic
again from last turn because I didn't get to we
mostly talked about Auntie Jazzmine, and you didn't also get
to talk that much about Mom, but because she's not here,
I would also like to go over that for me
as well, because I didn't get a chance to speak
about my relationships and how they affect me.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Okay, how do you hope that makes a difference between
you and Chris?
Speaker 4 (04:23):
I think just him getting to know me, if they
better from hearing his his desires is I think an
important note like seeing where I come from, seeing my
perspective on the family. I think that would be a
good way for him to get to know me.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
How do you think your life would be impacted by
Chris getting to know you?
Speaker 4 (04:42):
I don't often see Uncle Chris very often, so I
don't actually know.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
What do you think there's this uncle? You don't see
him very often? I haven't really you know, connected very
very much. How do you hope having that connection than
your life would make a differlt for you? I'm not entirely sure.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
It's just it's interesting because I have such a big
family already, meeting someone else is uh, it's rather it's
not new, of course, but it's just more of any
useful thing. Oh, there's someone else I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
So this is a unique conversation, and I think probably
the best way to start it would be, like, Elijah,
what questions would you have for Chris?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Do you think our family has anger issues?
Speaker 3 (05:33):
In some sense? I think it's I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
I think it's more there's anger, but I think it's
more like regret, regret of not you know, us all
not being together, having some of the issues. I know,
like with my sister Jasmine, I know she wanted our
father to be around a lot more, and you know,
(05:59):
I guess that would contribute to some of the anger.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
I know.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
One of the things I've always said was her therapy
is always a good thing to have.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
Because you get being able to expression your feeling and stuff.
And then on.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Top of that, you know, with your grandfather Robert throwing,
you know, having him around now, but he's not around.
So that's why I can understand you know, your your
statement of not knowing how benefit our conversations, us getting together,
(06:33):
and the biggest thing is trying to move forward, you know,
with me just trying to be there as your uncle,
having a better communication with you and stuff like that.
And I think building on that would help with some
of the anger that the family does have. Is you know,
individuals try to come together and build that communication, make
(06:56):
that communication better.
Speaker 3 (06:58):
That's how I see it.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Elijah, what do you think of his answer?
Speaker 5 (07:01):
I remember saying that I can see regret within the
anger of my parents, and well, not that my parents,
not just my parents, but everyone else. But I'm not
sure about all if it's all regrets, I think some
of it is just that they never had the opportunity
to deal with certain.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Insecurities.
Speaker 4 (07:24):
But you know, issues like.
Speaker 5 (07:29):
Dealing with patients, knowing how to tackle certain problems.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
I think in.
Speaker 5 (07:37):
Those cases, I just see anger issues from them. I've
just been witnessed to a lot of anger from my
mom's silent family.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
How do you hope an answer to a question like
that would help you?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
I don't really know.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Unfortunately, right around here is where we experience some technical
difficulties during the session, and Elijah wasn't able to rejoin
due to a poor internet connection. Now, while that interruption
wasn't planned, it actually highlighted an important moment because sometimes
in real life, conversations don't end the way we expect
them to. People drop off, timing gets in the way
(08:13):
and we're left holding the intention on our own. After
a short break, we'll continue the session with Chris focusing
on his desire to bring his family together and the
role he wants to play in rebuilding connection over time.
Stay with us and we'll be right back. Thank you
(08:36):
for investing your time with me and this family's journey.
Let's continue the session, Chris. That was really interesting and
fascinating to me. And I think the thing that is
so intriguing to me is how do you hope connecting
with more members of your family and specifically Elijah will
make a difference in your life.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
It'll make me baby to guide my family, you know,
even like after these sessions, to be able to you know,
wanting to pick up the mantle of trying to bring
the family together, trying to be like kind of like
the old days where you had the big mama that
products all together.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
And because we don't have that no more, you know,
it's just we don't have more of it in these days,
right and the way things are going, the way the
country is going, the way life is going, you know,
I think that we need more of that.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
We need more of.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
You know, individuals that could be grounded that can bring
the family back together and keep the family together. We
tend to, you know, reach more to social media instead
of reaching out to each family members that solve the problems.
That that's my opinion about it, you know, especially you
know with Elijah, you know, he he doesn't know like
(09:57):
he doesn't I can feel that he does, doesn't have confidence,
you know. And the family coming back together, you know,
I think because it's like we've all, you know, found
each other, but we found each other at a point
where we're all doing our own thing and when we're
all trying to get our lives together. We're all here
(10:19):
and there. But I know, for me, I know, I'm
coming to a point where, you know, because I'm deciding
I'm leaving the United States. I'm trying to be at
a point where I don't have to work no more
because of retirement military retirement stuff. So I'm trying to
ground myself where I could be more available to my
family at any point in time. So I'm looking you know,
(10:43):
next year is my last year in the United States,
and then after that, you know, I just want to
be that mantle of you know, being putting the family
back together, especially on my father's side, because that's more
of the younger side, because my adopter's side is Revy.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Is old but older, you know, a lot more older members.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I want to spend the rest of my life trying
to bring the family back together, and that will also
help me be able to have the knowledge to try
to pass that on to the younger generation to say, hey,
y'all still need to come back together with a family,
and there's nothing better than family ties.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
What difference would it make for you to be the
leader that does that.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
It's one of those things where I would sit back
and say here, after you look back, you say, great,
what did I'd leave back?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
You know?
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Like like one of the things I used to teach
about in the military was about how do you know
you're a great leader.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
You know you're a great leader by what you left behind?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
You know, as far as to build on what you
left behind that people can relate to and say, hey,
you know, this individual left us tools and resources that
we can still use and build on. So my legacy
is not trying to be and be some great millionaire
or something like that. It's trying to bring the family
back together and give them that groundwork to keep building
(12:09):
to say, you know, he has something, you know, like
he wanted to be about the family.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
He wanted to bring the family back.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
And that's what I'm trying to build, to bring that back,
whether it's my kids, my family, my siblings, my nieces,
and my nephews, so they can understand that I still
represent Big Mama in my own way to say, hey,
let's keep this going. Because this worked, Uncle Chris's dad, whatever,
(12:38):
our brother. Look what he showed us. He showed us
that it is important to have family, keep building family
because that's history and that's legacy, and that's generational. Just
like you know, as we talk about generational wealth, we
need to build generational mental stability within families.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Right, And I'm not always going to be easy, Chris, No,
But how do you know you can do it? Like
like if one family member is kind of hard to
reconnect with, or if somebody pushes it back, how do
you know that, Like this is hard, and you said
something earlier like this is like my lifelong mission. How
(13:20):
do you know you can do it?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Because I look at you know, I think God always
sets us up. You know, we always have a purpose
in life, and God always prepares us, whether we know
it or not.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
God always prepares us.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
My adopted mom, she always thought that I was going
to run to ministry, you know, because I knew the
word and I can just type to the word and stuff.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
And I was like, Mom, not like that.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Because I don't turn the other cheek, I said, you know,
I told my mom, I said, look, there's two types
of people. There's people that pray. There's prayer warriors, and
then is bad. Go out there and fight and fight
the good fight. And that's me. I'm not going to
give up. I have that dog in me not to
give up. I have that fight to say, even with
a difficult family member. At this point in time, I'm
(14:07):
in that place. I'm preparing to be in that place
where I have that time to sit back and say, hey.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
I'm going to work on you, cause I.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Understand, like what Elijah says, we were all separated. But
now I'm trying to ground myself where I don't have
that distraction of well, I have to get up and
go to work. Most my kids are all grown, you know.
I'm just trying to be the great grandpa.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Now. God is preparing me for that next.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
And then on top of that, with all the experience
of me going through military, dealing with individuals, leading individuals,
and trying to get individuals like, hey, we have a
mission to accomplish. Whatever your mentality was, whatever happened. It
was always trying to be there for my sailors or
soldiers and like, hey, we got to accomplish this mission.
(14:52):
I know your head may be somewhere else because of
maybe personal gains, but less dial it down. Let's deal
with this and then deal with to other issues later.
So with that experience, I'm trying to bring that into
being that leader.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
In the family to bring us together.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
I understand it's gonna be harder, yeah, And I understand
it's not going to be I'm just trying to make
the groundwork because even if there's an individual in my
family that doesn't get it, at least I have that time.
I'm still in my young fifties, so at least I
have my time to try to like nudge on that,
to work on it months and years. And I'm also patient.
(15:34):
I have the patience to keep working on individuals because
I understand some individuals may get it faster than others.
In the family, and I can also use those family
members to say, hey, we still need to get this person,
and we need to focus on this person just not me,
but also direct delegate.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Right, And how do you imagine like a reconnected family
would look like connected families have routines like we get
together every Christmas, we get together every New Year's. A
friend of mine was telling me that his family has
a monthly book club as a family and get together
on zoom and go over like whatever book they're reading.
So like, in this future when the family is connected,
(16:17):
how do you imagine the family routines will.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Look because I know what families.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I know one of my sisters try to do game
night on my adopters side and get all the cousins.
I know she sent mere and invite and I was like,
I'm not gonna be able to make assist, but you know.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
I'm there a spirit.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
You know, Hey, y'all have fun, you know, drink poor,
drink out for me, whatever, flip some.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Cars from people who ain't here.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
But you know, changes, you know, spectrum, you know, and
but to build certain things, to build certain things back
with family members, because there's some we all connect on
different levels.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
You know, some family members may say hey, like you said, hey,
we all read books.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Some family play games, some family draws, and to get
through families to recognize which family members all can in
those ways and then bring together say hey, look, Elijah
likes to he likes to draw, or what's another family
member that likes to draw? Hey, you know, let's get
together and have that connection and then keep bringing it
back together. You know, just like we have family reunions,
(17:15):
but have many smaller kind of family reunions and get together.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
How pleased would you be as a leader in the family,
guiding people touching Elijah's life if you reach this future
where it's like we have these routines, game nights, get togethers, Like,
how pleased would you be?
Speaker 3 (17:36):
To me?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
It would be like by earthly heaven, because it would
be something that if that was accomplished before I had
left or even got started right and go in the
right direction, it'll be like heaven. Because I remember a
pastor had a saying when I was at a certain church.
He used to end instrument by saying, there's only one
(17:57):
good thing going to heaven, and that is making someone
with you. Oh wow, and yeah, and I try to
apply that. Like when he said that, I was like, oh,
that's cool. So on my journey, it's always trying to
take people, you know, as they say, pat Riley took
more brothers to the Promised Land than any.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Other white guy.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, I've heard that, but kind of.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Being the same, you know, being that mark where they
look back and say, hey, you know, whether it's you know, cousin, Chris, brother, Chris, dad, Chris, whatever,
you know, look what he started and then look what
we're we keep doing because this is important because it's
more easier to me to start something like that and
(18:40):
have the family realize how important family is to keep
it going than trying to build a business, because the
business can break family apart.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
You know, money and family don't really mix all the time.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
No, it's true. So I just have one more question.
When did this become really important to you? Like when
did you realize, you know what, I think, bringing the
family together is my purpose? When did that happen?
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Kind of like from my last talk, and I remember
you said when you go home, we just enjoy what
it feels like for people you know around you that
I appreciate you being their lives. I was thinking about it,
and I was like, how much more can I give
to the family to make them really appreciate me and
appreciate each other. That's when it dawned on me, especially
(19:29):
with the way the United States is going. I was like,
you know, I forget this. I could be in another
country living great. Then that gives me time to work
on family members, work with myself.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
I get you back to family.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Well, look, Chris, I am super excited to talk to
you in Elijah about this, but I have a challenge
for you. Okay, I want you to start working on this.
I don't want you to wait until next session. I
want you to like do something every day that feels
to you like leadership. Maybe send a text message to everybody,
(20:09):
start a group chat, start a who knows what. I
don't know, but I want you to like do something
every day. When you were in the military, you had
to do leadership things every single day. Now it's like
you're gonna take those skills in that mission to this.
I want you to do something every day that feels
to you like I'm now taking that leadership to this
(20:31):
family to bring us all back together. Now, some days
might be a huge thing, like you might take the
whole family to Disney World. And some days it might
be really small thing, like I'm just gonna shoot off
a couple of text messages. But I want you to
become that big mama now, you know. And it's funny
(20:52):
when you said that, I had like an emotional response
to you saying that because it made me think of
my grandmother, who was that person in my family. She
passed away several years ago, but she was big Mama.
She knew all the grand kids' birthdays, and she knew
our graduations, and like she was very much the center
of the family, not just bringing us all together physically,
(21:14):
but she was at that point of contact that brought
it all together. And when you said that, I was like,
holy cow, Like what would it do to this family
if Chris was that person sending the happy birthday text
and the congratulations text that you got a new job
or whatever. Like, I don't know that you realize the
impact I would have in the family. But I want
(21:35):
you to start doing these leadership things now. I want
you to be that masculine big mama.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Now without the you know, the whole makeup, right.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yes, makeup, and the and the dress. We're gonna do it.
We're gonna do it Man style right right? That sound good? Yep, excellent.
As we wrap up, I want to pause on something important.
This session reminds us that reconnection doesn't usually start with
an agreement. It starts with commitment. Commitment to keep reaching
(22:11):
out even when responses are slow, Commitment to keep listening
even when understanding feels incomplete. Elijah and Chris didn't resolve
everything here, and that's okay. What they did was begin
something more sustainable, a pattern of communication built on patience
and consistency. We also saw how estrangement isn't always caused
(22:35):
by one big rupture. Sometimes it's the result of distance,
missed opportunities, or simply not knowing how to reach one another.
And rebuilding from that place takes intention and leadership. For Chris,
leadership doesn't mean control. It means responsibility. Responsibility for being
the one to communicate first, for modeling connection, and for
(22:59):
doing some thing, even something small, every single day. If
you're listening and you're navigating estrangement in your own family,
or struggling to communicate across distance, generations, or unresolved hurt,
I want to leave you with a few questions to
sit with. What does consistency look like for me? Not
(23:22):
ideally but realistically? Am I waiting for the perfect moment
to reconnect instead of creating a small one? Now? What's
(23:44):
one simple action I could take that signals I'm still here?
Am I trying to be understood first? Or am I
willing to understand first? If this relationship improves over time,
(24:09):
how would my life be different? And if they call,
will I answer? Connection doesn't usually return all at once.
It returns in pieces through repetition, reliability, and care. And
(24:34):
sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is decide
that the work is worth doing and then keep doing it.
We'll continue this conversation next time. I would love to
(25:00):
hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast Network. Special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
(25:22):
Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham for
more podcasts from the Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content
presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for educational
and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement
for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not
constitute a provider patients relationship. It is advisable to consult
(25:46):
with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific
concerns or questions you may have.
I'm Elliot Conne and this is Family Therapist. Welcome back.
In this episode, we're focusing on the relationship between Elijah
and his uncle Chris. Every session, I start with the
same question, what are your best hopes from our talking?
I ask this particular question in order to understand where
each member is on their journey and to help them
(00:24):
focus on the outcome from the conversation rather than the problem.
In this session, Chris shares something that sets the tone
for everything that follows. He says his best hope is
coming together, trying to get to know each other and
building trust from here on into the future. That word future,
it matters. Elijah, on the other hand, is honest in
(00:48):
a different way. He admits he isn't sure what connection
will change between them. He says, I don't see Uncle
Chris very often, so I don't actually know, and that
uncertainty is because it's where a lot of real relationships
actually begin, not with certainty, but with curiosity. This conversation
(01:09):
unfolds in two parts. First, Eliza and Chris are both present,
asking questions, testing understandings, and naming things that are usually
left unsaid, like anger, regret, and distance within families. Then,
due to technical difficulties, Eliza drops from the session, but
(01:29):
what happens next is just as meaningful. In the second half,
we stay with Chris as he talks about his desire
to step into a new role, not just as an uncle,
but as a connector, someone willing to do the small
but consistent work of reaching out, holding space, and rebuilding
family routines over time. This episode is really about building
(01:53):
consistency merely by being present, by showing up, sending the text,
making the call, staying committed even when the relationship doesn't
immediately respond. So let's get into the session. What are
your best hopes from talking with.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Me, connecting with my family, and especially with this session,
for both of us to get to know each other
a little bit more man, nephew, because.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
I know we've haven't talked a lot, but.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Try to, you know, see if he has any answers
for me, any views that we can share both together.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
So that's my.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Thing, Chris, how do you hope getting to know Elijah
will make a difference in your life? How do you
hope getting to know him, getting some answers from him,
giving some answers to him? How do you hope they'll
make a difference for him.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
You know, coming together as understanding between them, you know,
even though like we you know, he's my nephew, I'm
his uncle, still trying to get to know each other,
to know of you see what you know, what I
think about family and stuff like that, out of how
I address issues, how he address issues. That way is
(03:12):
better for us to have a good communication, to build
trust between each other from here on, you know, to
the creature.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
And keep that connection and let him know that I'm
always here for him.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
How would have a connection to your nephew make a
difference in your life.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
To better understand because he's you know, a lot younger
than me. So it also helped me connect with my
children and my grandchildren because we all have different views, especially.
Speaker 3 (03:38):
Between you know, growing up.
Speaker 2 (03:39):
When then understand me from his point of view how
he see things, and that would help me understand, you know,
like I said, my children, his cousins and being able
to relate a lot more got you.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Okay, and Elijah, what about you? What do you hope
to come from this conversation?
Speaker 4 (03:57):
I would like to, you know, go over the topic
again from last turn because I didn't get to we
mostly talked about Auntie Jazzmine, and you didn't also get
to talk that much about Mom, but because she's not here,
I would also like to go over that for me
as well, because I didn't get a chance to speak
about my relationships and how they affect me.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Okay, how do you hope that makes a difference between
you and Chris?
Speaker 4 (04:23):
I think just him getting to know me, if they
better from hearing his his desires is I think an
important note like seeing where I come from, seeing my
perspective on the family. I think that would be a
good way for him to get to know me.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
How do you think your life would be impacted by
Chris getting to know you?
Speaker 4 (04:42):
I don't often see Uncle Chris very often, so I
don't actually know.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
What do you think there's this uncle? You don't see
him very often? I haven't really you know, connected very
very much. How do you hope having that connection than
your life would make a differlt for you? I'm not entirely sure.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
It's just it's interesting because I have such a big
family already, meeting someone else is uh, it's rather it's
not new, of course, but it's just more of any
useful thing. Oh, there's someone else I don't know.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
So this is a unique conversation, and I think probably
the best way to start it would be, like, Elijah,
what questions would you have for Chris?
Speaker 4 (05:30):
Do you think our family has anger issues?
Speaker 3 (05:33):
In some sense? I think it's I don't know.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
I think it's more there's anger, but I think it's
more like regret, regret of not you know, us all
not being together, having some of the issues. I know,
like with my sister Jasmine, I know she wanted our
father to be around a lot more, and you know,
(05:59):
I guess that would contribute to some of the anger.
Speaker 3 (06:03):
I know.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
One of the things I've always said was her therapy
is always a good thing to have.
Speaker 3 (06:08):
Because you get being able to expression your feeling and stuff.
And then on.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Top of that, you know, with your grandfather Robert throwing,
you know, having him around now, but he's not around.
So that's why I can understand you know, your your
statement of not knowing how benefit our conversations, us getting together,
(06:33):
and the biggest thing is trying to move forward, you know,
with me just trying to be there as your uncle,
having a better communication with you and stuff like that.
And I think building on that would help with some
of the anger that the family does have. Is you know,
individuals try to come together and build that communication, make
(06:56):
that communication better.
Speaker 3 (06:58):
That's how I see it.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Elijah, what do you think of his answer?
Speaker 5 (07:01):
I remember saying that I can see regret within the
anger of my parents, and well, not that my parents,
not just my parents, but everyone else. But I'm not
sure about all if it's all regrets, I think some
of it is just that they never had the opportunity
to deal with certain.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Insecurities.
Speaker 4 (07:24):
But you know, issues like.
Speaker 5 (07:29):
Dealing with patients, knowing how to tackle certain problems.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
I think in.
Speaker 5 (07:37):
Those cases, I just see anger issues from them. I've
just been witnessed to a lot of anger from my
mom's silent family.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
How do you hope an answer to a question like
that would help you?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
I don't really know.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
Unfortunately, right around here is where we experience some technical
difficulties during the session, and Elijah wasn't able to rejoin
due to a poor internet connection. Now, while that interruption
wasn't planned, it actually highlighted an important moment because sometimes
in real life, conversations don't end the way we expect
them to. People drop off, timing gets in the way
(08:13):
and we're left holding the intention on our own. After
a short break, we'll continue the session with Chris focusing
on his desire to bring his family together and the
role he wants to play in rebuilding connection over time.
Stay with us and we'll be right back. Thank you
(08:36):
for investing your time with me and this family's journey.
Let's continue the session, Chris. That was really interesting and
fascinating to me. And I think the thing that is
so intriguing to me is how do you hope connecting
with more members of your family and specifically Elijah will
make a difference in your life.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
It'll make me baby to guide my family, you know,
even like after these sessions, to be able to you know,
wanting to pick up the mantle of trying to bring
the family together, trying to be like kind of like
the old days where you had the big mama that
products all together.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
And because we don't have that no more, you know,
it's just we don't have more of it in these days,
right and the way things are going, the way the
country is going, the way life is going, you know,
I think that we need more of that.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
We need more of.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
You know, individuals that could be grounded that can bring
the family back together and keep the family together. We
tend to, you know, reach more to social media instead
of reaching out to each family members that solve the problems.
That that's my opinion about it, you know, especially you
know with Elijah, you know, he he doesn't know like
(09:57):
he doesn't I can feel that he does, doesn't have confidence,
you know. And the family coming back together, you know,
I think because it's like we've all, you know, found
each other, but we found each other at a point
where we're all doing our own thing and when we're
all trying to get our lives together. We're all here
(10:19):
and there. But I know, for me, I know, I'm
coming to a point where, you know, because I'm deciding
I'm leaving the United States. I'm trying to be at
a point where I don't have to work no more
because of retirement military retirement stuff. So I'm trying to
ground myself where I could be more available to my
family at any point in time. So I'm looking you know,
(10:43):
next year is my last year in the United States,
and then after that, you know, I just want to
be that mantle of you know, being putting the family
back together, especially on my father's side, because that's more
of the younger side, because my adopter's side is Revy.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
Is old but older, you know, a lot more older members.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
I want to spend the rest of my life trying
to bring the family back together, and that will also
help me be able to have the knowledge to try
to pass that on to the younger generation to say, hey,
y'all still need to come back together with a family,
and there's nothing better than family ties.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
What difference would it make for you to be the
leader that does that.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
It's one of those things where I would sit back
and say here, after you look back, you say, great,
what did I'd leave back?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
You know?
Speaker 2 (11:33):
Like like one of the things I used to teach
about in the military was about how do you know
you're a great leader.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
You know you're a great leader by what you left behind?
Speaker 2 (11:45):
You know, as far as to build on what you
left behind that people can relate to and say, hey,
you know, this individual left us tools and resources that
we can still use and build on. So my legacy
is not trying to be and be some great millionaire
or something like that. It's trying to bring the family
back together and give them that groundwork to keep building
(12:09):
to say, you know, he has something, you know, like
he wanted to be about the family.
Speaker 3 (12:14):
He wanted to bring the family back.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
And that's what I'm trying to build, to bring that back,
whether it's my kids, my family, my siblings, my nieces,
and my nephews, so they can understand that I still
represent Big Mama in my own way to say, hey,
let's keep this going. Because this worked, Uncle Chris's dad, whatever,
(12:38):
our brother. Look what he showed us. He showed us
that it is important to have family, keep building family
because that's history and that's legacy, and that's generational. Just
like you know, as we talk about generational wealth, we
need to build generational mental stability within families.
Speaker 1 (12:58):
Right, And I'm not always going to be easy, Chris, No,
But how do you know you can do it? Like
like if one family member is kind of hard to
reconnect with, or if somebody pushes it back, how do
you know that, Like this is hard, and you said
something earlier like this is like my lifelong mission. How
(13:20):
do you know you can do it?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Because I look at you know, I think God always
sets us up. You know, we always have a purpose
in life, and God always prepares us, whether we know
it or not.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
God always prepares us.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
My adopted mom, she always thought that I was going
to run to ministry, you know, because I knew the
word and I can just type to the word and stuff.
Speaker 3 (13:41):
And I was like, Mom, not like that.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Because I don't turn the other cheek, I said, you know,
I told my mom, I said, look, there's two types
of people. There's people that pray. There's prayer warriors, and
then is bad. Go out there and fight and fight
the good fight. And that's me. I'm not going to
give up. I have that dog in me not to
give up. I have that fight to say, even with
a difficult family member. At this point in time, I'm
(14:07):
in that place. I'm preparing to be in that place
where I have that time to sit back and say, hey.
Speaker 3 (14:12):
I'm going to work on you, cause I.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Understand, like what Elijah says, we were all separated. But
now I'm trying to ground myself where I don't have
that distraction of well, I have to get up and
go to work. Most my kids are all grown, you know.
I'm just trying to be the great grandpa.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
Now. God is preparing me for that next.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
And then on top of that, with all the experience
of me going through military, dealing with individuals, leading individuals,
and trying to get individuals like, hey, we have a
mission to accomplish. Whatever your mentality was, whatever happened. It
was always trying to be there for my sailors or
soldiers and like, hey, we got to accomplish this mission.
(14:52):
I know your head may be somewhere else because of
maybe personal gains, but less dial it down. Let's deal
with this and then deal with to other issues later.
So with that experience, I'm trying to bring that into
being that leader.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
In the family to bring us together.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
I understand it's gonna be harder, yeah, And I understand
it's not going to be I'm just trying to make
the groundwork because even if there's an individual in my
family that doesn't get it, at least I have that time.
I'm still in my young fifties, so at least I
have my time to try to like nudge on that,
to work on it months and years. And I'm also patient.
(15:34):
I have the patience to keep working on individuals because
I understand some individuals may get it faster than others.
In the family, and I can also use those family
members to say, hey, we still need to get this person,
and we need to focus on this person just not me,
but also direct delegate.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
Right, And how do you imagine like a reconnected family
would look like connected families have routines like we get
together every Christmas, we get together every New Year's. A
friend of mine was telling me that his family has
a monthly book club as a family and get together
on zoom and go over like whatever book they're reading.
So like, in this future when the family is connected,
(16:17):
how do you imagine the family routines will.
Speaker 3 (16:19):
Look because I know what families.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I know one of my sisters try to do game
night on my adopters side and get all the cousins.
I know she sent mere and invite and I was like,
I'm not gonna be able to make assist, but you know.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
I'm there a spirit.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
You know, Hey, y'all have fun, you know, drink poor,
drink out for me, whatever, flip some.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Cars from people who ain't here.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
But you know, changes, you know, spectrum, you know, and
but to build certain things, to build certain things back
with family members, because there's some we all connect on
different levels.
Speaker 3 (16:48):
You know, some family members may say hey, like you said, hey,
we all read books.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Some family play games, some family draws, and to get
through families to recognize which family members all can in
those ways and then bring together say hey, look, Elijah
likes to he likes to draw, or what's another family
member that likes to draw? Hey, you know, let's get
together and have that connection and then keep bringing it
back together. You know, just like we have family reunions,
(17:15):
but have many smaller kind of family reunions and get together.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
How pleased would you be as a leader in the family,
guiding people touching Elijah's life if you reach this future
where it's like we have these routines, game nights, get togethers, Like,
how pleased would you be?
Speaker 3 (17:36):
To me?
Speaker 2 (17:36):
It would be like by earthly heaven, because it would
be something that if that was accomplished before I had
left or even got started right and go in the
right direction, it'll be like heaven. Because I remember a
pastor had a saying when I was at a certain church.
He used to end instrument by saying, there's only one
(17:57):
good thing going to heaven, and that is making someone
with you. Oh wow, and yeah, and I try to
apply that. Like when he said that, I was like, oh,
that's cool. So on my journey, it's always trying to
take people, you know, as they say, pat Riley took
more brothers to the Promised Land than any.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
Other white guy.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Yeah, I've heard that, but kind of.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Being the same, you know, being that mark where they
look back and say, hey, you know, whether it's you know, cousin, Chris, brother, Chris, dad, Chris, whatever,
you know, look what he started and then look what
we're we keep doing because this is important because it's
more easier to me to start something like that and
(18:40):
have the family realize how important family is to keep
it going than trying to build a business, because the
business can break family apart.
Speaker 3 (18:50):
You know, money and family don't really mix all the time.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
No, it's true. So I just have one more question.
When did this become really important to you? Like when
did you realize, you know what, I think, bringing the
family together is my purpose? When did that happen?
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Kind of like from my last talk, and I remember
you said when you go home, we just enjoy what
it feels like for people you know around you that
I appreciate you being their lives. I was thinking about it,
and I was like, how much more can I give
to the family to make them really appreciate me and
appreciate each other. That's when it dawned on me, especially
(19:29):
with the way the United States is going. I was like,
you know, I forget this. I could be in another
country living great. Then that gives me time to work
on family members, work with myself.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
I get you back to family.
Speaker 1 (19:45):
Well, look, Chris, I am super excited to talk to
you in Elijah about this, but I have a challenge
for you. Okay, I want you to start working on this.
I don't want you to wait until next session. I
want you to like do something every day that feels
to you like leadership. Maybe send a text message to everybody,
(20:09):
start a group chat, start a who knows what. I
don't know, but I want you to like do something
every day. When you were in the military, you had
to do leadership things every single day. Now it's like
you're gonna take those skills in that mission to this.
I want you to do something every day that feels
to you like I'm now taking that leadership to this
(20:31):
family to bring us all back together. Now, some days
might be a huge thing, like you might take the
whole family to Disney World. And some days it might
be really small thing, like I'm just gonna shoot off
a couple of text messages. But I want you to
become that big mama now, you know. And it's funny
(20:52):
when you said that, I had like an emotional response
to you saying that because it made me think of
my grandmother, who was that person in my family. She
passed away several years ago, but she was big Mama.
She knew all the grand kids' birthdays, and she knew
our graduations, and like she was very much the center
of the family, not just bringing us all together physically,
(21:14):
but she was at that point of contact that brought
it all together. And when you said that, I was like,
holy cow, Like what would it do to this family
if Chris was that person sending the happy birthday text
and the congratulations text that you got a new job
or whatever. Like, I don't know that you realize the
impact I would have in the family. But I want
(21:35):
you to start doing these leadership things now. I want
you to be that masculine big mama.
Speaker 3 (21:43):
Now without the you know, the whole makeup, right.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yes, makeup, and the and the dress. We're gonna do it.
We're gonna do it Man style right right? That sound good? Yep, excellent.
As we wrap up, I want to pause on something important.
This session reminds us that reconnection doesn't usually start with
an agreement. It starts with commitment. Commitment to keep reaching
(22:11):
out even when responses are slow, Commitment to keep listening
even when understanding feels incomplete. Elijah and Chris didn't resolve
everything here, and that's okay. What they did was begin
something more sustainable, a pattern of communication built on patience
and consistency. We also saw how estrangement isn't always caused
(22:35):
by one big rupture. Sometimes it's the result of distance,
missed opportunities, or simply not knowing how to reach one another.
And rebuilding from that place takes intention and leadership. For Chris,
leadership doesn't mean control. It means responsibility. Responsibility for being
the one to communicate first, for modeling connection, and for
(22:59):
doing some thing, even something small, every single day. If
you're listening and you're navigating estrangement in your own family,
or struggling to communicate across distance, generations, or unresolved hurt,
I want to leave you with a few questions to
sit with. What does consistency look like for me? Not
(23:22):
ideally but realistically? Am I waiting for the perfect moment
to reconnect instead of creating a small one? Now? What's
(23:44):
one simple action I could take that signals I'm still here?
Am I trying to be understood first? Or am I
willing to understand first? If this relationship improves over time,
(24:09):
how would my life be different? And if they call,
will I answer? Connection doesn't usually return all at once.
It returns in pieces through repetition, reliability, and care. And
(24:34):
sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is decide
that the work is worth doing and then keep doing it.
We'll continue this conversation next time. I would love to
(25:00):
hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and
your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, connect with
me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you can also
send me a text message to nine seven two four
two six two six four zero. Family Therapy is a
production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast Network. Special
thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by Jack
(25:22):
Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly s. Fisham for
more podcasts from the Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio app,
or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The content
presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for educational
and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement
for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not
constitute a provider patients relationship. It is advisable to consult
(25:46):
with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific
concerns or questions you may have.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by Audiochuck Media Company.
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show
The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.