More Than Just a Mom ft. Aazhia

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Once upon a time there was a good old traditional housewife.
She cooked, she cleaned, cared for her children and the
man of the house, and of course.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
She didn't talk back.

Speaker 3 (00:09):
She was both.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Obedient and soft by nature.

Speaker 3 (00:12):
She was a good woman who always made good choices.
That we're good mom's bad choices. Who's single mom? Who said?

Speaker 4 (00:20):
But the patriarchy shared all their bad choices and found
out they were so bad after all.

Speaker 3 (00:24):
We're experts.

Speaker 5 (00:24):
Overhairs and your new vestie.

Speaker 3 (00:26):
Sit back and near the rive. I can do a
bad I can do all on my Welcome back to
good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica, I'm Nila.

Speaker 5 (00:44):
Happy hump Day, Happy Wednesday, y'all, we're back at it again,
another fine Wednesday with your favorite good moms.

Speaker 3 (00:52):
Back in the girl Cave. How are you? I am good?
I like your top. It's cute.

Speaker 5 (01:00):
Got it in BALI it's cute.

Speaker 3 (01:01):
I like it.

Speaker 4 (01:03):
If you're not subscribed to YouTube, this is your opportunity
to pause. Go to YouTube follow us there, help us
monetize this page. I'm really trying my best to not
curse in the first five minutes five minutes of this episode,
because apparently, according to our producer. We are unmonetized, unmonetized
consistently because.

Speaker 3 (01:18):
Of our because every Wednesday we say, hey, our potty mouths.
So this is me being really really good. Should we
just get into it. We have a special.

Speaker 4 (01:31):
Guest you guys, And I'm really excited because she actually
came through the studio a few years ago and just
like came through like a tornado and fucking style the
fuck out of us.

Speaker 3 (01:43):
Like one hour.

Speaker 4 (01:44):
It was like she like wrapped us in leathers and
bonded us and was like boom, we took a picture.
We took like pictures like four seconds, and it was
like and then she like disappeared like a thief in
the night.

Speaker 3 (01:51):
I was like, what the fuck.

Speaker 5 (01:53):
And I've been following I've been following her for so
long online. I saw her, I saw her at an event.
I was like, Hi, I'm your friend on Instagram. She's
like hi, It's like hi.

Speaker 2 (02:02):
That's how we met.

Speaker 4 (02:03):
Well, I'm really excited to introduce Aziah the multifaceted woman, artist, entrepreneur, creative, mother,
just overall bad bitch.

Speaker 3 (02:15):
Welcome to Good.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
Momp, to be good here today with you guys. Of course,
I mean I've been here before, but.

Speaker 3 (02:21):
A fellow good mom doing whatever the fuck she wants
exactly well and so good doing it.

Speaker 2 (02:29):
I'm happy to be here.

Speaker 3 (02:32):
So tell us about you, girl, because like I are you?

Speaker 4 (02:34):
Like, first of all, I think you popped up on
my feed many many moons ago. As just like with
these fashions, these like if you guys, take a second
and go look at her page, she is serving high
fashion little all the time and making them just like
wrapping shit, cutting shiit Just you're just so yourself and
I love that about you.

Speaker 3 (02:56):
Have you always been so yourself?

Speaker 2 (03:00):
Like okay, you me? Who are you ever?

Speaker 3 (03:02):
Really?

Speaker 2 (03:02):
But your your environment. You're the people that grow you, right,
but you become your own. So it started young, definitely,
and I always say it started with my sister Janey.
She's the one that like I looked up to, you know,
like my big sister. So watching her, she was really
my idea of fashion and what I wanted to do,

(03:25):
like in that space as a young girl watching her
cut things, watching her make things, listening to her dreams
because I didn't know what I wanted. I was just
a little girl, right and I loved her and just
wanted to be like her so much.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
So.

Speaker 2 (03:37):
I remember we used to do this game, like a
computer game. My dad had, you know, like the big
old school computers in the nineties, and he got us
like a Barbie game. My thing was barbiees. I was obsessed,
so like fashion and beauty has been always something I've
been into. And we used to do fashion shows. You
would dress up the Barbies. It was like a flat
Barbie on the computer and you put clothes on that.

(03:59):
Remember remember that game, that game you listen to it
the computer? What was that? Like a die? It wasn't
even dial up. It was a sound the computer made.
But it's just in my brain, right. So we would
do these games and my sister said something to me
I'll never forget.

Speaker 3 (04:12):
We were in an.

Speaker 2 (04:13):
Apartment with my dad and she goes, I want to
be a designer, right, That's what she said. I'm like,
that's what I want to be, not knowing I would
really become one, you know what I mean. So I
just kept going, Like in life, I kept making things
as I grew up and figuring it out. And I
think when you grow up with not a lot, and

(04:35):
you know, I have kind of like a dual life.
I was privileged, but I also grew up in the hood,
so you had to like make things shake with what
you had, right, you didn't have like all the clothes
and all of this and all the that. Like I
loved Clueless. You watch her go in her class. That
was a dream. But I maybe had my one little
skirt from ross or early ten, some socks, some hand

(04:56):
I remember one time my dad gave me some hand
me down g and he wanted me to wear them
to school. I cried because they were flooded. Not even
because they were hand me down, they were floodied. I'm like,
I can't do this. I wore them. I cried. He
was like, you need to cut it out. I went home,
pulled out my skirt, I mean, went to school, pulled
out the skirt that I and I changed. Yeah, and
I put on my knee. Hyes, like I had to

(05:18):
give a look. And that was at maybe five.

Speaker 3 (05:21):
Or and now you changed it five or six.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Yeah. I've been very serious about this for a long time,
you know. So it started young, and it really was.
My sister was my seed. My that's pretty. My sister
was my seed. I love my sister. She's passed away,
but she is she was, she is my seed.

Speaker 5 (05:41):
Yeah that's beautiful. Yeah they lived out her dream.

Speaker 2 (05:45):
Yeah it's crazy how that happened.

Speaker 3 (05:47):
Yeah, I don't think we realized how much.

Speaker 5 (05:49):
Sometimes, like as children, we're planning seeds for our future.
And like I think sometimes as a kid, you think
adulthood and whatever you're gonna be when you grow up
is so far fetch or so far away. That sometimes
get we arrived to adulthood like so quickly, and then
you're like, oh shit, I did I did really like
this as a kid. I really did do this as
a kid, and then like it always becomes for full circle.
But yeah, sometimes we live our lives and like these

(06:11):
different chapters and like that chapter so far away, but
in fact it's really not. You know, like all the
things and dreams that we dream of as kids are
still so like obtainable in adulthood. But like it's just
remembering that your dreams are still right there.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah right there.

Speaker 3 (06:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:25):
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 (06:26):
Where are you from?

Speaker 2 (06:27):
I'm from Oakland, Okay, so that's where I was when
I was talking about the apartment and growing up. My
dad we our family's home is in Oakland and East Oakland,
so the Dubs that's where I'm from. Yeah, and my
dad now lives in Berkeley. My you know, my I
still have other brothers and sisters and they're scattered throughout California,

(06:50):
but in northern California.

Speaker 5 (06:51):
Yeah. Yeah, How long have you been been down here?

Speaker 2 (06:55):
Oh, I've been here for a minute, so I would
say about ten years.

Speaker 5 (06:58):
Did you come come down here with the aspirations of
being a designer?

Speaker 2 (07:02):
No, I actually came down here. Did you want me
to be honest with you. I really came down here
because I had a man and he was much older
than me. At the time when I moved, I was
like still I think I think I was like seventeen
or eighteen, and he was my boyfriend. He was in
his thirties. So that's extremely like we look at that
now and we're like, oh, that's completely wrong, But at.

Speaker 3 (07:25):
That time, totally normalized. I was normalized.

Speaker 2 (07:27):
Supermature exactly, Definitely not supermature, definitely doing too much, definitely
very fast. Okay, definitely what I was telling you guys
before we started chatting, the finding some sort of distraction,
you know what I mean, Like, and it was just oh,
he was a cute guy, like he looked like this,
he looked like David Beckup.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
Oh my god, I was no shame. How'd you find it?

Speaker 2 (07:53):
I've never dated another white man again. I've actually come
to a terms with that yesterday.

Speaker 5 (07:58):
Really this is you know what this is around the
age that I said I'm not as worldly as I think.
I think that I like black men only, like I
always like the only black man, but I always be
trying it. So was there something coming.

Speaker 3 (08:10):
To what happened?

Speaker 2 (08:13):
I've had a lot of yesterday.

Speaker 3 (08:15):
Yesterday it was.

Speaker 2 (08:20):
Just some things, like I said it in my spirit,
like I'm like, you need to like figure out some
things and like understand where you're at right now, right
and with the with these men and relationships and what
is where are you going? Like what is your bottom
line at this point?

Speaker 5 (08:35):
Right?

Speaker 2 (08:36):
And being a little weary and not knowing but not
one hundred percent knowing and being like, oh yeah, I
kind of want to day I kind of don't or
whatever always got me into some ship. So I need
to know because what time it really is with myself
and I with the interracial things. I don't mind inter
racial relationships. I've had a great interracial relationships outside of him,

(09:01):
But I just think that there's such a cultural disconnect
even if they grow up in an area in the US. Like,
I've dated a French guy as well, and that was
extremely strange because but not in a bad way, but
there was a lot of he didn't understand, like my nuance, okay,

(09:22):
but he was like so obsessed and loved that I
was brown skinned and you know, and at times I'm like,
later on, was that a fetish?

Speaker 5 (09:30):
Right?

Speaker 2 (09:30):
Because he would always show me other black model girls.

Speaker 3 (09:34):
Yeah, you see her, you see her?

Speaker 2 (09:35):
Oh my god?

Speaker 5 (09:36):
Like right?

Speaker 2 (09:38):
And he had friends. I remember one time we read
out a pool and this is the French guy and
he says about his friend, a dark skinned woman, black
girl came in the pool and he comes over to
us and says, I wonder what her vagina looks like?

Speaker 3 (09:55):
Whoa like?

Speaker 2 (09:56):
He said? He said, it's like a you like, it's
like But it was derogatory. It wasn't like, oh I
would love to see it, Oh she's so beautiful. It
was more like he was made a joke about what
it could look like because she was black, right, And
that was the day that that was a very powerful

(10:17):
day for me because I was like I was still young,
though then I was I didn't even I wasn't even
a mom yet. I was probably twenty one when that happened, right,
and then the American Ex that was like David Beckham aesthetic,
like he was a vibe. He was in fashion like
I really just like it was more so about the

(10:39):
image with him, right, And I thought like that meant something.
So I didn't know who I was. I just oh,
he was hot. I liked him, you know, he had
a little coin on him. He could do things for me.
I didn't have to, Like I felt really mature because
I started modeling at thirteen. I was always around adults
and I wasn't. I was like, I felt like all
the boys in school. I'm like, what can I do
with you?

Speaker 3 (10:59):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (11:00):
Granted I made my own money, but still he could
keep up. It was if I did it a high schooler,
what are we doing? I was doing photo shoots, I
was on runways. I was getting paid really good money,
you know. So it was just like it didn't make sense.
It felt like I needed to be with somebody older
who could like match me, or I could learn something
from is what I thought was happening. And I found

(11:23):
out with the American guy. He was just completely I
think he actually had an issue. What did they call
it when you like young people?

Speaker 3 (11:32):
Pedophile?

Speaker 2 (11:32):
Yeah, I wasn't say I wasn't. No, I wasn't gonna
say pedophile because because we actually met when I was thirteen,
well you.

Speaker 3 (11:45):
Weren't.

Speaker 2 (11:47):
We never did anything, but we had each other's numbers.

Speaker 3 (11:49):
He waited, he did wait.

Speaker 2 (11:51):
What I will say, he prayed, like I was trying to.

Speaker 5 (11:53):
Say, like a situation.

Speaker 2 (11:56):
And it was a bad relationship, like because he wanted
to control me, right, he wanted me as this girl
that could become what he wanted. And I'm ungroomable. These
men have tried to groom me my whole life.

Speaker 3 (12:14):
Yeah, even now, well, I mean I would imagine too.

Speaker 4 (12:17):
I actually didn't know that you were like a child
model and that world in that space, yeah can be
so it's literally for that, not for that reason, but
so many young girls in that space have been subject
to predatory men and women, like just in general. And
you are around a lot of older people and even
the models, I mean I think sometimes too, like we

(12:39):
don't even realize when we're looking at models in some
of these Vogue fashion magazines these are like thirteen year
old girls, fourteen year old girls wearing like designer Dulce
and gabana because they're tiny and they're like little fingers
and tall and they're awkward, but they're like, you know,
awkward in the most.

Speaker 3 (12:54):
Like beautiful, high fashion way. But they're children.

Speaker 2 (12:58):
If we really think about it, the industry is like
on some weird ship, like some fetishizing young women. It's
it's kind of weird because there's oh, it's because she's young,
she looks youthful and she's little. Now it's that shit
is not sexy, no shit.

Speaker 5 (13:10):
Our society primes men to think that young girls are
the app like the epitome of beauty purity, and it
starts with like hairlessness and like like yeah, purity culture
there is. It's literally they like to say it's biological
because young women are fruitful, but it's literally seeds that

(13:31):
are planted socially in our society that make it okay.
And then you look at the government, you look at
where we are, and you look at what's at when
this when the fucking cover is uncovered that the men
are fucking kids, and it's because this is society in
which we exist in and yeah, it's real shit.

Speaker 3 (13:49):
It is.

Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah, it's dark space.

Speaker 5 (13:54):
I mean even like like Brad Pitt was kissing Uh,
here's Dunce and Diary, a vampire like who was normalized
green lighted this. There's been a lot of shit like that,
but yet now everyone's waking up and thinking like, oh shit,
this is insane. Yeah, and I'm I mean I had
hella grown ass men boyfriends in high school and I
was like, I'm so mature. I actually ran into one

(14:16):
I saw when we were out this weekend, and I
was like looking at him, like, wow, you're fucking old,
and that's weird.

Speaker 2 (14:22):
That's how I felt about the guy now, the white
guy recently David Okay, Like no, he's like ill. Now
he's so ill, and he's like so Dwayne. He's tried
to add to block him.

Speaker 3 (14:40):
Yeah, oh my god. Let this be a message for
any young girl. He'll be fun.

Speaker 5 (14:46):
But also, you know, I mean and Erica had this
conversation this week as far as like this conversation is
the problem is, and this is what I really I
hope young women are listening to this is women are
not empowered to say you're making me uncomfortable. Stop, no,
I don't want to. And so we kind of have
also been socialized to normalize certain behaviors and not realize

(15:10):
it's creepy, it's weird, and then so and then when
you call men fucking predators, they're like, oh, what do
you mean? But they want to have predatorial behavior without
anyone ever labeling it, And as soon as you say
something like rapie or predator or I'm uncomfortable, then they
want to react.

Speaker 3 (15:27):
And then they want to be.

Speaker 5 (15:28):
Like, ugh, like nigga, don't act like a predator and
we won't have to label it. But I think a
lot of the issue is as young women, we are
not empowered to say the thing.

Speaker 2 (15:36):
You know, what's okay?

Speaker 3 (15:37):
God?

Speaker 2 (15:37):
Oh no, go ahead, what's interesting to me about what
you just said? It comes from our mothers, and a
lot everybody's mother But I'll speak for mine because she
is a baby boomer, right, and not every baby boomer
is like this, But women have been silenced for so
long that they don't know how to activate their voice,

(15:58):
and we're living in the time of what the repercussions
of that look like. So I'm a child, I'm not
going to say victim. But I'm a child that my
mother wanted to protect me. But she was also afraid
to use her voice and even sometimes maybe even had
the language.

Speaker 5 (16:14):
Yet the language just what I'm saying, you literally have
to say, you're making me uncomfortable. We don't even know
where to begin and what to say because men are
so sensitive about being what they are.

Speaker 2 (16:22):
Well, I know, speaking for my mother, she came from
a background where she watched my my grandfather, her father
abuse her mother. So not everybody's situation is like that, right,
But she grew up and she's the oldest out of
all of the children in her family. She has three

(16:46):
sisters and two brothers, so that's five kids and she's
the oldest.

Speaker 5 (16:50):
Right.

Speaker 2 (16:50):
So my mom is a sweet woman, right, like loving
sweet like she is a great woman. But she was
she really got to understand what was going on, and
I remember she would say things to me like if
we watched when we watched the Tina Turner thing, right,
I don't ever let a man hit you, And that
meant something to me. But without understanding of the depth

(17:12):
of that which comes with communication and as a mother,
one thing I realized growing up because nobody listened to me,
I went had a fucking horrible childhood, horrible because nobody listened.
Nobody listened, and nobody explained anything to me. And you
need to understand your child, what type of spirit they have, right,
And it gives me chills because it really comes down

(17:36):
to knowing what kind of kid you have and just
talking to them. I know I have a sensitive son.
I know he's sensitive, and I know he's growing up
in a world. He's a young black man, right, he's
growing up in a broken home, not saying that in
a negative way, but he doesn't have a two parent household.
So sometimes he's getting this information over here and getting
this information over here, and he's trying to figure it out, right,
So I have to give him psychology, psychology behind things

(18:00):
so he can make it make sense in his mind.
And he comes back with questions and he understands, and
you know, because if he thinks that he can get
he's emotional, because he is a very sensitive kid. And
I love that about him. But I'm like, our thing is,
don't let your emotions control you. You can have them,
but you don't let them control you. So whenever you

(18:22):
get upset, just with yourself, for a second. Just take
a breather, take it in. Think about how you're feeling
as opposed to doing something bad or acting out. Just
think about it. And one thing people always say about
him like, wow, he's so introspective and while he's so
like well behaved and you know, and not in a
way where he's like he can't be himself because I,

(18:44):
you know me, I'm be you. We're doing activities for
him to find that out and figure that out. But
there is this space where you have to know how to, like,
you know, make it make sense to children. And I
think when my mom watched her mother get abused, right,
and she doesn't even really like talking to me about it,
with a couple of times we talked about it, she

(19:04):
broke down in tears. And when you've been taught not
to activate your voice, which I'm sure maybe my grandmother
didn't do that much right, And now my mother is
here and she's trying to raise me, she doesn't really
know how to. I just want you to be safe,
I want you to be okay. But I needed the explaining.
I needed it broken down, you know. And so we're
seeing what that looks like of not being able to

(19:27):
say what you need to say to a man. And
now I've grown and went through all the shit, a
lot of shit, and I'm like, oh no, baby, we're
not doing that. This is what it is today, you know.
And I think that's so empowering for women to be
able to know who they are and be okay to
say no. But when I was twenty two or twenty
one dating this thirty old man, he was manipulating.

Speaker 5 (19:47):
You're like, I guess I'm gonna be quiet. He's older
than money exactly. And kids need scripts, That's what I'm
really saying. We need specific scripts to say. Like I
was talking to someone. I think they were a teacher,
and they're like the kids. The problem is the with
the kids is they're not dumb, but they're literally you
have to show them. She was like they were doing
like basic showing kids basic things and they're like how
to iron and she was like, the kids didn't even

(20:09):
fucking know to plug the iron in. And she's like,
our first response is be like, are you fucking stupid?
And it's like that would be my first thought, but
it's like if you don't literally show a child, but
how would they know that?

Speaker 3 (20:19):
Yeah, that wouldn't be my first thought because literally, like
why why would I think these kids were like in
junior high. So it's to.

Speaker 5 (20:25):
Us it's common sense, but you are assuming that children
know certain things. But we are literally the first person
to show examples of and that includes especially with communication.
You can present an idea, but if you're in this
situation and you're fearful, or you've never seen a woman
use her words or say fuck no, get the fuck
off me, or whatever it is, you literally don't have

(20:48):
the words. So it's so important in like as parents,
especially as women, especially with little you know of little
men and young men. It's like giving them literally the
lines to say in the case that this does not
feel good to.

Speaker 2 (21:00):
You, So yeah, you do. You have to teach them that.

Speaker 3 (21:03):
I want to go back to you.

Speaker 4 (21:04):
You lightly touched on or said that you I think
believe or feel as though your son comes from a
broken home. I'm curious about, like what that, what that
means to you. Okay, just because you know I'm a
single mom as well, I don't identify as my child
coming from a broken home because I see I see
so many people that are married that are there's no

(21:27):
communication happening in their household either, Yeah, which could be
perceived as a broken broken home as well too. So
I'm just wondering, So, what is your definition of a
broken home?

Speaker 2 (21:35):
Me, a broken home is a where the mother and
father that created the child they have a broken relationship
in some capacity. And so for me, like my son,
we were together when he was born, but he doesn't
remember a lot of the time when he after that
and he has seen us. We're good, we're good, we

(21:57):
get along, we have love for each other, or not together,
you know. So to me, being in two places also
is like a broken like. You can make it, like
we were talking about earlier, you can make these things
become normal. We can normalize these things. But for me,
I think that that's what I would that's what I

(22:19):
consider to be broken home. Like he has. Sometimes he
goes with his dad, sometimes he goes with me. We're
making the best of our situation, but we're not together,
and that's a broken nucleus. The family nucleus is a
mother and father together having a child and raising them.

Speaker 3 (22:32):
Well.

Speaker 2 (22:32):
Now, if I choose I want another kid, I don't
know if I'll ever have a husband, just because of
my mindset now about how I feel about relationships. But
let's say I don't get the husband, but I have
a best friend that I love down and it gives
husband or you know, we're there for each other as friends.
But I want another kid and he doesn't have a kid. Okay,

(22:53):
let's have a kid together. I would, and we get along.
But we live in two different homes. I wouldn't consider
that a broken home because we are we made the
conscious choice to say, let's have this kid together and
let's raise them to be these amazing there little these
amazing human beings in this world.

Speaker 4 (23:09):
So what I'm hearing is like collaboration, yah, is the
collaborating on the raising of the child, not just having
a cool relationship with your baby daddy. But you still
are kind of navigating as these individual nucleuses, raising this
entity that you've created.

Speaker 2 (23:24):
Yeah, and when I say broken home, I don't want
it to be negative. But that's just the term that
we know. But I know a lot of people have
associated that being with something negative. I'm making the best
with my son with his circumstance and with my with
our situation. But at the end of the day, we're
not together and we could be together and it could

(23:44):
be horrible, and I could, you know, be in the
worst relationship right, and that is still breaking. I grew
up with a two parent household with my mom being married,
but they had a horrible relationship, even though that wasn't
my daddy, but still it was. I saw Mayorge and
it was a broken marriage right. To me, it was
that was a broken situation I was in. And then

(24:06):
the fact that my parents weren't together was a broken
you know narrative. But I had love from all of
these places, which was good, right, but it still was
like a broken nucleus. So to me, that's like a broken.

Speaker 3 (24:22):
Home. Got it.

Speaker 5 (24:23):
Yeah, you said that you want another kid, but you
don't know if you would like be married. What is
your perspective and outlook on relationships right now that you
think that may not be a possibility for you?

Speaker 2 (24:33):
Okay, So this is another thing I came to terms yesterday.

Speaker 3 (24:37):
You came on the right day.

Speaker 2 (24:39):
Oh my god, the moon was mooning.

Speaker 3 (24:41):
I looked up at the moon last night because I
think the full moon was like two days ago, every
three days.

Speaker 4 (24:46):
Ago, and I was like, bitch, you still round as hell?
What lessons have I not learned since yesterday when you
were supposed to be full and I was like, I
feels like the full moon is like this energy right
now is just and now we're in a retrograde too. Yeah,
in cancer, I'm always in a retrograde. I was born
in retrograde. So I feel like red.

Speaker 1 (25:06):
D.

Speaker 4 (25:08):
Sorry I mean to interrupt your thought, but like, yeah,
what what is to follow what Mila was saying, like,
where are you at now in that regard?

Speaker 2 (25:14):
Okay, so says yesterday, I am really really really happy.
I've always you know, when I'm seeing I'm like, okay,
I like this. I'm never I've never been desperate for
a relationship. But I'm a relationship girl, if that makes sense,
Like tend to be in relationships. But I really really
love being single. And I had to accept that in

(25:38):
the video that I posted talking about you know, these
these things that are indoctrinated in us, Like I have
to sit back and think about that for myself too,
write about what has been imposed on me as a woman,
that I'm shaping my life by these things. Is that
really my divinity?

Speaker 3 (25:53):
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 (25:54):
Like, is that really what God called me here to
do is to be conformed to the these.

Speaker 3 (26:01):
Structures, check out these boxes.

Speaker 2 (26:03):
Mindset and all of that, and I don't feel like
that's for me. The more I've come into my identity
and owning my individuality, I've I know, I'm segueing, I'm
gonna go back, but it's helped me really understand what
it is that works for me. And I don't have.

Speaker 3 (26:20):
It all together.

Speaker 2 (26:21):
But what I did realize that I love being single,
and I don't want to conform for a man. I
don't want to.

Speaker 3 (26:32):
And what if you found a man who didn't ask
you to conform?

Speaker 2 (26:36):
Now that's the thing, so conform. But also I don't
want to sacrifice. And the sacrifice you can have a
you can be in a great loving relationship. And I
love the idea of love and having a partner. I
think it's great because again, if I want to have
a kid, I don't want to just have I don't
want to create a broken situation, you know, and I

(26:58):
don't and I really don't want to say that, like
my son's situation's bad, But I want to have a
loving environment where whether or not we're like together, living together,
we have come together to raise this child in an
immaculate way, right, and we have the same values and
same morals. There's no disconnect, right, and we can always
communicate our way through everything. Anyway, going back, there are

(27:23):
men there, There are men like that. But the sacrifice
aspect is I have to make sure you're always okay.

Speaker 3 (27:34):
Well, you become responsible for their feelings.

Speaker 2 (27:36):
Yeah, and not that I don't think that's like, that's
a great thing if you want that, but I don't
want it. I don't want to have to think about
I need to make this man dinner tonight. And if
I don't make him dinner and he's okay with that,
you're internalizing that. In a month later, you're upset with me,
and now we have to talk about these things. I

(27:56):
don't want to have to do that. I don't want
to have to work through all this shit. It with you, bitch,
you know what I'm saying, Like I don't and it
and I and I and I thought that maybe it
was selfish to be like this, but it's like I choose,
I'm choosing me. I'm choosing me, and if a man
were to come in my life, he's going to feel
like he can't have all of me. And I want

(28:17):
it that way.

Speaker 3 (28:19):
Yeah, I resonate with that.

Speaker 4 (28:21):
I resonate with that as someone who's newly single myself,
maybe this is newly maybe you know what. And I
and I've I've been like deeply analyzing this process of
me uncoupling from somebody that I was deeply in, you know,
entrenched in for two years, and my my normal habits
of what happens after I exit a relationship because I

(28:42):
can see the like the habits that come up. Right,
it's like, oh, let me replace this energy with something else,
or let me go down a rabbit path of checking
his Instagram every five seconds, or let me like start
new business, or let me like you know, like it's
just like you feel like you have.

Speaker 3 (29:00):
To rebrand your whole shit.

Speaker 4 (29:03):
And part of one of the things that I realized
as I was exiting this relationship was that part is that,
like I was, like I as much as like I
have in some ways prioritize relationships in my life. I
realized that I have a really hard time with compromise,
and I can do it for so long, but it's

(29:25):
not I don't have longevity in it. And so I
was like, do I am am I really a relationship girly,
like I think I am or do I just attract
relationships and because I am attractive and not just physically
but just like I attract.

Speaker 2 (29:41):
Yeah, you have the capacity to be this.

Speaker 3 (29:43):
I have an aura.

Speaker 4 (29:44):
We have auras, like people want to be around us.
And I was watching one of the people feel Good,
I was watching one of your other videos around just
like having that discernment because when you are attractive, when
you are a beautiful woman, and that doesn't mean necessarily
just esthetically like you, you attract, you have a light
about you, and people will come and you have to
have that discernment around who you're gonna share and give
you that energy to because when I do, I do,

(30:04):
I give it.

Speaker 3 (30:05):
I'm an overflowist of that.

Speaker 4 (30:08):
And I'm like now in a space where I'm like
I'm gonna be forty next year and I'm like really
like thinking like.

Speaker 3 (30:14):
Am I gonna have children? I don't know?

Speaker 4 (30:16):
Maybe not, Like what do I want like the next
ten years of my life to feel like do I
want to waste not waste, but spend any more time
like considering other people and like adjusting to whatever their
needs might be. And granted, like that's the dance and
the beauty of relationships. And I don't mean for it
to sound negative, because there is a lot of beauty

(30:37):
in that and parts of it that I that I
really do enjoy. But there I have not yet found
a relationship that didn't really require a sacrifice that made
me feel like I had to dim a certain part
of myself and kind of wait it out, just wait
and then this will happen. And it's like I don't

(30:58):
want to wait. I don't I don't have the luxury
of weight and time and I yeah, and that's.

Speaker 2 (31:02):
How I feel too. Yeah, maybe my life what I'm
not gonna be getting to this age in my life
and look and be like I just spend all this
time trying to explain stuff to this man all the time,
and us get on the same page all the time.
It's like it's not gonna work. I keep saying, it's like,
but yeah, it's like no.

Speaker 4 (31:19):
And like early on in Mimela, you know, when we
first started a podcast, we were you know, very very
single and talking about open relationships and just like we were.

Speaker 5 (31:26):
Really gung ho. We were like, we're going to be
an open relationships. There's nowhere space and shape.

Speaker 4 (31:32):
However, though, like I don't I think that even you
have curated a life that is it's not an open relationship,
but it allows you to be open to the possibilities
of exploring yourself alongside your partner. So there is a
level of openness that still exists that you called in.
It's just different and and so like for me, I

(31:53):
was like really thinking, like I think I feel like
and this maybe I thought about this and like and
that is this gonna make me sad later future? Or
is this just me being hurt right now because I'm
grieving my relationship currently And is it like, am I
just supposed to have a lot of wonderful loves of
my life right and then towards the end of my
life as I age, pick one, like pick one, like okay,

(32:15):
like this one actually, like let's just fuck around and
let's do this. But like like right now, my time
and my life, like I'm in a place where I
just want to receive. I am like if you don't
have anything to give me, And I don't mean that
necessarily in a negative bad like spend that shit like
fucking my young Miami type of energy sorta, But also

(32:36):
like I just want to receive, like if there's nothing
that because ultimately, when I receive, I'm going to give
no matter what.

Speaker 3 (32:42):
I am a giver, no matter what.

Speaker 4 (32:44):
But I feel like I've Yeah, but I just feel
like I've I've given so much and and received a
lot too, But like I just want to I just
I'm like, what offerings can you put put up before
my alter my nigga to like make me move? And
I don't think that there's one person that can fulfill
that for me. And I've never met one man that

(33:05):
really can really genuinely make me feel complete in a relationship. Obviously,
like it's about you feeling complete in yourself. I get
all that, but I just more so mean like feeling
really like okay, like this person really checks all the
boxes for me. And I'm I feel like there's not
a point in which I might get bored. There's not
a point in which I might want to seek something else.

(33:26):
There's not a point in which I'm like, damn, like
you don't really like to do shit?

Speaker 3 (33:28):
Did I like to do?

Speaker 4 (33:29):
You know, I haven't met that person, and I don't
know if like all of us meet that person in
every lifetime. Yeah, you know, like sometimes that person that
we're supposed to be to just ourselves right and like
and enjoying that part of it. And as women, we've
been fed this idea that we're supposed to have this
other half that completes us and that's beautiful. And I

(33:52):
feel like I've had experiences like that, But I don't
know if it's like if I'm in this life, and
it'll be it's to be seen because we'll find out
at the end of my life how it all transpired.
But like something in me inside of me tells me that,
like I am meant to like experience a lot of beautiful,

(34:12):
great loves in my life, and I'll know when I'm
supposed to stop and be like, Okay, I can I
can settle down.

Speaker 2 (34:20):
Here this person yeah yeah, yeah yeah.

Speaker 5 (34:23):
So I think women we're just so deeply socialized, domesticated
from the beginning of time to expect this great love,
you know, like you get baby dolls, you get the
fucking kitchenette, you get the fucking broom, Like why the
fuck are you giving my three year old a broom, bitch? Like,
why are we we're so like indoctrinated into wife and

(34:45):
motherhood so young? That like it doesn't really give a
lot of young girls the opportunity to discover themselves or
discover life without prioritizing a relationship, and like our worthiness
is tied to our relationship status, and like even to
what you said, like I am very blessed. Like I
definitely knew for a fact that I was going to
have lovers all over the world long term. I'm a cancer.

(35:06):
I love niggas, but not that live with me. I
wanted to live. I wanted to know you forever and
have sex with you forever, and you and I see
you every twice a year. But then I have my husband,
and where I compromise nothing. I don't have to hide anything.
I don't have to dim down shit because you know
exactly who you married and you love it. And I realized,
like even in this chapter of my life. He goes

(35:27):
to work, he comes home, he pays the bills, and
I'm like, cut to make dinner. I didn't do shit.
And then I'm like, sorry, I didn't do shit today,
and he's like, I don't care. This is what I
wanted you to do. This is who I wanted this.
I wanted to go to work and my wife have
the choice and the option to do nothing. I'm not
pressed about whether or not made dinner or not. We'll

(35:48):
figure it out. And I think even with him saying that,
there's still sometimes levels of like guilt, because I've been
telling myself that there's a certain way in which I'm
supposed to show up. And it's interesting that, like I'm realizing,
like the patriarchy is so much deeper than just the patriarchy,
like taking the taking the poison we have, we have
also taken the poison and believed it, even when a

(36:10):
man is in my face telling me, bitch, I don't care. Yeah,
it's so like deeply indoctrinated into our like our fucking DNA,
yeah being yeah, And it's just there's, like you said,
there's so many things, especially for women, especially for black women,
to undo and unlike unlike to ask themselves.

Speaker 3 (36:29):
Is this me?

Speaker 5 (36:29):
Or is this something that someone told me I was
supposed to be? Because there's parts of us that we
are born into religion, money like or not money, like
the geographically where we show up like I was, culturally,
Like there's Muslim women in fucking Afghanistan that can't fucking
speak in public, insane right now in current day and time,

(36:50):
children who are being you know, married off, they're fucking
eleven to fucking fifty year old men.

Speaker 3 (36:55):
What the fuck.

Speaker 5 (36:57):
But it's like, if you are born in a certain place,
there's certain things that you were just born with thinking
that are normalized that are not. And women are so like,
we're so deeply indoctrinated into those systems that it takes
until we're like thirty three, thirty five, thirty seven to
be like, do I even give a fuck about any
of these things or these things even me? And that's
why I think like this show is very important. Our

(37:18):
voices are very important. Hearing women's stories are very important
because sometimes it really takes for you to hear another
woman and be like, damn, what the fuck are the
things that I'm living in that I did not choose?
And that was with relationship status, with work, with jobs,
with everything that we believe motherhood, we believe are supposed
to look and feel a certain way. And it's like
you have to see women living out loud and living

(37:38):
outside the box, and you have to have the bravery
to step outside of the box to even figure out
what the fuck it is that you want you gotta
hoe a little, You gotta get in a relationship a
little bit. Unfortunately, some of us had to get smacked
in the face a little.

Speaker 3 (37:51):
That's me, you know what I mean.

Speaker 5 (37:52):
You had to look at your mother and be like,
I love you, but this is not what I want
for my life. You have to have like I've read
a meme recently and it was like, ladies, disappoint your
families now, so you don't spend your whole life living
in fucking pregatory or whatever, like disappoint motherfuckers now.

Speaker 3 (38:11):
You are not here.

Speaker 5 (38:12):
We are not here to live for anybody else's approval.
I'm not here to live for anybody else's respectability politics.
How I live my life does not have shit to
do with anybody else. And the fact that men, even
till this day, are trying to control women or dumb
us down or make us feel less human when we
clearly are fucking human. We're birthing you, niggas, We're birthing

(38:32):
the whole earth, we're populating it. It is required that
we break all of the systems, all of the box
that we're in, all the ceilings, to experience some shit,
to know what the fuck it is that you want
because you have to have you have to live it
a little to understand Hell no, fuck no, I'm good,
or yes, yes, yes, but it requires experience. And if

(38:54):
you're too afraid to have the experience, you'll never really
figure out who the fuck you are. You know, So
if you're living according to other people's terms, So I
just like this show these conversations even amongst your friends.
If you have friends that are scary ass bitches, bitch,
move on.

Speaker 3 (39:11):
If you have a friend.

Speaker 5 (39:11):
Who follows all the fucking rules, that's great for her,
But bitch, that's not most people's trajectory. Men have been
able to break the rules because they don't really have
any except to exist. They can be sexual, they can
have kids, lay up, move around, have another kid, get married,
get divorced, be fifty, get divorced. There's no rules really
when it comes to them except provide and protect, and

(39:32):
a lot of these niggas don't even do that. So
live your fucking life. And if you don't have a
tribe or a village or people that support you living
your life like bitch, yeah, drop off the kidd go
go ho ou out. They can sleepover. Then you're in
the wrong place. If you're not amongst people in community
that free you and make you feel liberated and inspire
you to break the box in which we exist in

(39:54):
this invisible box because there's a lot of rules that
we don't even know are following, you are amongst the
wrong people. And I just I think, I pray that
every woman has the opportunity to step out of her
comfort zone and step out of fear in order to
experience all of the things that people say are so
bad or wrong or frivolous and do whatever the fuck
you want because it's your body, of your life, and Yolo,

(40:16):
we only live once, and the shit is going by
fast as fuck.

Speaker 4 (40:19):
And it's easier said than done right, Like it's easier
said to just yolo. So that's what I'm saying, I know,
but I'm saying like, as a resource, you're listening to
this and you need a community, and you're looking for community.
That is the work that Meila and I do. That
is why good Mom's bad choices exist. That's why we
have our community on discord, where women are communicating, sharing

(40:41):
things they would never share with their current friend groups,
and experimenting using their voice.

Speaker 3 (40:47):
In that way and you may not know anybody.

Speaker 5 (40:49):
It's the whole time. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (40:50):
Like so if you are like, well, we're bitch, where
do I find them? Start here?

Speaker 4 (40:55):
Go to our discord. Go to patreon dot com slash
good Mom's Bad Choices. Join our disc It's five dollars
a fucking month. You want a new friend, bitch, you
could you could spend five dollars a month. Maybe ten, fine, ten,
it's ten dollars. That's a latte, bitch.

Speaker 5 (41:08):
Okay, but that's also friendship. That's also community. That's also
somebody who might be living in your city.

Speaker 3 (41:12):
Exactly.

Speaker 4 (41:13):
No, And that's and that's the and that is what
the community is. We have different sections within the community
dedicated to different cities, so you can I was just
telling our friend, our good friend right now is on
Instagram saying I need friends in Brooklyn?

Speaker 3 (41:25):
Is it? I'm like, bitch, if you don't get on
the goddamn discord and stop acting like we don't like,
you don't know bitches that no bitches, You don't know
bitches that no bitches, no bitches.

Speaker 4 (41:33):
There's there's a lot of women over there, so we
just have to like put yourself out there, Like I
think a lot of times are really scared to do that.

Speaker 5 (41:38):
And be uncomfortable and make friends as adults. This is
my friend as an adult. We built this because I
needed a friend as an adult to try new things
with that I didn't really know and be like, let's
go be hosed together.

Speaker 3 (41:50):
Let's go outside.

Speaker 5 (41:51):
Let's not let's not feel ashamed in our breakups and
in our baby mamahood and our single motherhood.

Speaker 3 (41:56):
Let's go outside and feel empowered.

Speaker 5 (41:58):
And if it wasn't for this friendship, we wouldn't be
here eight years later, in this room, in this studio,
interviewing you who has this incredible story and it's so inspiring.
Like I've been following you for a long time, I'm like, God,
I need to get more creative. God, you know like
I used to I like cut up close too. I'm
don't go downtown and rob some a belt around this
little waist, But like, we need friends and peers that

(42:19):
inspire us. And so I'm thankful. I'm thankful for you
like coming to tell your story. And granted all we're
all different women, we are, there's space for all of that.
Love it.

Speaker 4 (42:28):
And just because I think we got sidetracks, we were
sharing about like why this in this chapter of your life,
like a relationship is just like really not the priority.
And I'm curious just off of that, what is it?
What is what is something that you're that you're not
willing to sacrifice at this point, not even for your
child at this point in your life, not for love,

(42:49):
not for your child, not for your child as hard,
I'm not really to sacrifice certain things for my child,
like what like my happiness, Oh, I mean yeah, like
my like my sensuality.

Speaker 3 (43:01):
I mean, but you will.

Speaker 5 (43:02):
You'll, like, you'll sign up for a six month volleyball
fucking toryment. You're gonna have to drive far away for
six months on the weekends.

Speaker 3 (43:08):
You don't, you're not happy about it, but you're gonna
do it.

Speaker 5 (43:11):
No.

Speaker 3 (43:11):
But I think I think there's a lot of things
that niggas will sacrifice for their kid, and they would
have no problems sitting on a podcast saying what they
would what they would do. As women, we feel like, well,
there's not much. I mean, I don't think I even
considered it a sacrifice. They're just like, this is what
I'm going to do. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 4 (43:23):
I think that we need to step into this as
I think we need to step more into that energy
as women and as mothers, we.

Speaker 5 (43:29):
Need to step more into our white man That's what
I'm saying, so as a white white man.

Speaker 4 (43:35):
So when you're a white man, audacity, what are you
not willing to sacrifice at this point in your life?

Speaker 2 (43:44):
I'm not willing to sacrifice my What keeps coming to
my mind is really just my sense my peace, like
my sense of like feeling good. I guess you can
consider that my piece, my joy, my happiness, like the

(44:05):
things that keep my alignment. That's probably the best way
to put it, because all of those things go into
my alignment and I'm not willing to sacrifice that. And
that's really what brought me to my new conclusion about
the I feel most aligned being with me, being into me.
You know, I get it. Just it all makes it

(44:27):
makes so much more sense, you know, So you.

Speaker 4 (44:30):
Don't have to do any balancing of someone else's alignments
to match to fit into your alignment.

Speaker 2 (44:34):
And you have to oh they're trauma, and oh they're this,
they had a long day, and and you know, I
can be considered in that.

Speaker 3 (44:42):
Way, but every day of your whole life. Yeah, you know, and.

Speaker 2 (44:46):
I love that you have a man that you've come
into this union with that it just works, and I
believe in it. This isn't a and I hate men.
You can't find that's because you.

Speaker 4 (44:58):
And I think like that's why my feeling around that
it does not come from my hatred of men.

Speaker 3 (45:04):
I actually love men.

Speaker 4 (45:06):
I think that, like I've been, I'm exposed constantly to
the worst of them, not necessarily in my personal life,
but just in this space of the internet and stuff.
But the men that I have encounter my regular daily
experience are are for the most part, they're doing, They're trying,
you know what I mean. And so my desire to like,

(45:26):
like I think where I'm heading more towards where you're
probably even are farther down the path of like my
alignment being like the utmost of my priority is it's
like connecting to like this higher self, which which then really.

Speaker 3 (45:43):
Benefits and overflows into every aspect of your life.

Speaker 4 (45:46):
Your art, your creativity, your confidence, your career, your abundance,
your manifestation, energy, and of course all those things can
also be magnified in a relationship.

Speaker 3 (45:55):
I believe that as well.

Speaker 4 (45:57):
But I think like for me, I don't think I
fully have explored myself completely in this space. I haven't single,
and I've done the I've done work, but like, I
feel like I've birthed a new version of myself in ways,
and I really want to explore what complete Like that
is what that feels like on my own. Yeah, worried

(46:19):
of pouring into someone, just worrying, but you know, but
on the other side of that, I don't want to
sacrifice my pleasure, so I do, Like, this is not
mean that I'm not going to have no lovers and
I'm not gonna be having sex and I'm not going
to be like also like experiencing pleasure within myself with
my girlfriends and eating delicious foods and traveling the world like.

Speaker 3 (46:42):
I already fucking do.

Speaker 4 (46:44):
But I think that there's like I think that sometimes
when women choose that path, people assume, oh.

Speaker 3 (46:50):
Okay, so she's just she ain't fucking she ain't doing
none of that or what are or everybody or that
or that, Yeah.

Speaker 5 (46:56):
Which is so crazy because women at a certain age,
just as long as you're like evolved and healing, like,
it becomes harder to have frivolous sex it's not like
saying like and there's not saying some casual sex is
not good because it could be liberating, it could be respectful,
it could feel great. But like even when I was single,
I was like, and I like to have lovers, and
I was like, I'm so fucking bored with these niggas, Like.

Speaker 3 (47:17):
It was hard to I was like, I only want
to give you any pussy.

Speaker 5 (47:20):
You're so stupid, Like damn, you could have got some,
but you're talking your way out of the panties. I've
never seen that happen. And like, I think also it's
just something to consider. We have a nat old chart
reader in Costa Rica who's our friend. And when she
when I first met her, the first time we sat down,
she said, I was so fucking irritated. And this life,

(47:42):
you're supposed to find a tantric lover that's going to
heal you. Your one of your purposes in this life is
to find that love. And I was like, bitch, are
you sure to check it again? Because I think we
all as women, have been told in this life we're
supposed to get married, have a baby, settle down house,
and the truth is like that's not everybody's goal in

(48:03):
this lifetime.

Speaker 3 (48:03):
That's not everybody's purpose, that's not their souls.

Speaker 5 (48:07):
If that doesn't happen for you, it does not mean
you have not lived your life as you're supposed to be.
Like God did not intend for every woman with a
pussy to have a baby and a husband.

Speaker 3 (48:16):
It's just not the reality.

Speaker 5 (48:18):
Like when you talk about pleasure and you talk about autonomy,
that is God.

Speaker 4 (48:23):
Well, and when you talk about just the again, like
the full spectrum of what it means to be a human,
Like there's so much like you might not hit every box, bitch,
because you're over here working on this thing on this
lifetime and it's.

Speaker 3 (48:37):
Not even a box.

Speaker 5 (48:38):
It's not even a check Like life is not a
check off the list.

Speaker 4 (48:42):
I know, but but but that's what society does. There
is a check off list order, especially for women.

Speaker 3 (48:47):
There's an order. Men kind of can go out of
order to follow the step by step.

Speaker 5 (48:53):
So what has been Like you're because you're such a creative,
you're such an artist.

Speaker 3 (48:57):
I've seen you just do whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 5 (48:59):
Make a music video, fucking do some hair, make a
dress YAZ got the dress up. Whatever the fuck you've
done a lot of things, and it's extremely expiring. It
look like when I look at your page, I see
like a little girl and a grown like in a
grown woman body playing in her in her playbox, you know,
like in her and her toy box. And it's like
and it connects me to a part of my like

(49:21):
my youth, and like that part of me. Like you
remember when there was no fucking internet. You just be
in your room cutting up pictures or writing your journal,
dancing hard as fuck, or cutting up your clothes that
you don't want anymore, going through your mom's closet. You're
dreaming and you're creating, not with the expectation is this
gonna make money? Is this gonna pay my bills? People
gonna like it?

Speaker 3 (49:39):
Am I gonna?

Speaker 4 (49:41):
Am?

Speaker 5 (49:42):
I gonna get likes on it?

Speaker 6 (49:43):
Right?

Speaker 5 (49:43):
That has never been our drive for inspiration and imagination,
but now it is. And it kills the child inside
of you. It kills the joy and the passion, and
it kills the creativity. To be honest, and I've been
finding myself there, like I don't feel inspired sometimes and
I'm clear about my purpose, I'm clear about our message.
I'm clear about my existence. In that way, but I

(50:04):
forget to play because there's so much pressure in every
other aspect of my life. I have a child, I
have a husband, I have a fucking house that has
to be cleaned every five minutes for some goddamn dinner
has to be made clean. The fucking cleaning and the
fucking eating is going to take me out child literally.
But when I see you, I see this woman that's
playing in her toy box, and I think that's so

(50:25):
beautiful and I want to know, like you in your gym,
thank you, Like seriously, I told you I've rolled up
on you at the event, like, hey girl, you know
I know you, you don't know me, and now we're
here and I'm grateful for that. But what like you
came down here, you knew you know, you're in a model.
What gave you permission to live your life in this way?
And how like how would you find that way to

(50:47):
like cause I think people think in motherhood you have
to kill the creative. So how have you merged and
married that and and birth this version of yourself?

Speaker 2 (50:57):
That's the best way to really put this. I just
be doing shit, Just be doing shit, like no shade, okay,
like for real, I think it's that. I also think
it's because I have ADHD. I think that probably plays

(51:17):
a big factor now that I'm learning more about my
ADHD actually started, Did you get diamuse? I actually took
the test and the I am like the highest score,
like very extreme, like I think the highest was like
one hundred. It's a really interesting test that they watch
you in a camera, like you have to put your

(51:37):
laptop up. There's a camera and just dots come on
and keep blinking in everything in their different colors, and
you have to press the space bar when let's say X,
Y and Z changes right, so it's different shapes, just
square circles and triangles and their colors. So three triangles
will come but when and they're blue. But when it

(51:59):
changes to a triangle, but that that's red, you have
to hit the button. Yes, I can't even remember. It's
something like this is the test. Yes, but for twenty minutes,
I just hypnotism and they watch you and I my well,
she is psychiatric whatever she is, I love her.

Speaker 5 (52:18):
She's so sweet.

Speaker 2 (52:19):
She was like when we got back after I took
the test, she looked at me and she how are
you today? And I was like I'm good.

Speaker 1 (52:26):
And she was like, what at the test co I
was like, it's hard. She was like no, she was like,
it's okay.

Speaker 2 (52:36):
How did you feel when you took it? I was like,
I was upset. I was. I was pissed because I
wanted it to be over. I didn't have my coffee yet,
which is my dopamine. Dopamine hit right, didn't have it yet,
didn't eat, didn't do anything that kind of makes me
feel good enough in the morning to do shit right.
I just did the test. I don't know why. And
that made it even harder, I think. And she was like, okay,

(52:58):
well you got a ninety and the worst you could,
like the highest to have adds one hundred. So she
was like yeah, and I'm realizing this has been my
life all these years and not realizing that I needed.
She was like, I'm gonna put you on not adderall,
but this other thing I take, which is like a
lighter version of adderall.

Speaker 5 (53:16):
I guess that.

Speaker 2 (53:18):
It's been really helpful, but I also on my days
off because I don't want to take it every day.
I also take like a natural supplement because I was
doing natural stuff before and then I just started I
kept finding that it was things were getting more. I
feel like it's almost got worse as I got older,
that it's harder for me to like focus. I get

(53:40):
too much in my head. I try to like and
then I just sometimes will just not do anything. Yeah,
so it did. It has helped me, and I'm using
it like, Okay, I know I have a really busy
day today and I need to get this done and
I need to do this, and I'm working on this project.
I'm going to take it.

Speaker 3 (53:56):
And they tell you can do it, you can take it,
like she was happy.

Speaker 2 (53:59):
That I was doing it that because I don't want
to become addicted. So she was really she was like,
I love that. Keep taking your other. It's called el Thinanine,
I believe is the like natural supplement you can take
for like focus or like some form of like lions
made or something like that. But I used to that
I tried that that doesn't work, is not enough, but els,

(54:20):
I think I'm butchering it. But that's been one of
like my favorite things to take.

Speaker 5 (54:24):
Right.

Speaker 2 (54:26):
Yeah, so I switch off. But it does help me
focus and I get a lot of things done, and
I love it.

Speaker 4 (54:32):
I do know I'm happy that you have we're having
this conversation because I feel like ADHD specifically is something
that like people either like don't believe exists or just
self diagnose themselves. Yeah, And I think that it's important
for you to understand where you really live on the
spectrum so that you actually can like help you help

(54:53):
yourself and.

Speaker 2 (54:53):
You understand you understand yourself ware.

Speaker 4 (54:56):
Because it actually is a gift, because it is a
gift to be able to like have so many ideas
and like that can like magnify in your mind. It's
just but it's a matter of like honing them in.
And a lot of the most like genius people like
are basically that you're just a little extra tapped in.

Speaker 5 (55:11):
Yeah, there's a little.

Speaker 2 (55:12):
Extra, yeah.

Speaker 5 (55:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:13):
And I think that's what helped me, honestly and not
and like trying all these different things and really like
just being that little girl. And I will say, maybe
my fucked up childhood is what why I'm drawn to
being the little girl still because it got taken away
from me. My lip looked chap, No, they feel chapped.

Speaker 3 (55:34):
Do you want some water?

Speaker 2 (55:36):
Yeah, I'll take a sip in a second. But I
think that plays a big factor in why I'm so
drawn to Before I came here and I was getting ready,
I was like, I don't know what made this crossed
my mind, but it was like you love to like I,
everything's like like a fantasy. Like me creating clothing was
a fantasy imagination, right, like becoming a designer. The clothes

(55:59):
that I wear, I don't even wear them all the time.
Now if I'm going out, I'm probably gonna put them on,
but I'm always creating in a fantasy. Even the music
that I make.

Speaker 3 (56:06):
It's like.

Speaker 2 (56:08):
I don't listen to my music every day. It's when
I'm in a certain energy.

Speaker 3 (56:13):
Great.

Speaker 2 (56:13):
I may listen to Maxwell or like DiAngelo every day
just because I like that. But there's my music is
like the fantasy side of myself and I still love
it and I and granted the music in the future
that I want to make is more jazzy and more
funky like that too, But right now the sound that
I have and what I'm talking about and what I'm
saying really is in this not not that it's a

(56:36):
fantasy what I'm saying, but the world of it becomes
like the more fantasized playful space and the clothing was
the first thing that I actually was able to do
that started to allow me to really be in that world. Right,
and then that once you start finding yourself and the
things that you're doing because they're giving you You're like, wow,

(56:57):
this is like a part of my calling, this is
part of my purpose sor I'm inspiring people, I'm I'm
helping myself heal. Right now it transforms into something else,
there's another medium, and that's why you just got to
be able to just play with it all and do
it all and find a way, you know. So that's
where it comes from. I think it's a healing aspect.

(57:17):
And then also the brain is operating in a way
that's like Okay, do that now?

Speaker 3 (57:23):
Yeah, next benef that?

Speaker 2 (57:25):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (57:26):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (57:27):
And I think if I wasn't neuro difvergit, maybe I
wouldn't be so ready to just go after things, you know.

Speaker 4 (57:35):
So yeah, what would you like? What's what would you
define your or do you have a genre of music?
What's your genre or do you call it ghetto pop?

Speaker 3 (57:45):
Ghetto pop? Ghetto?

Speaker 2 (57:48):
Yeah, it's ghetto pop. It's a mixture of sounds. There's dance,
there's uh, there's hip hop. You know, there's R and
B elements. Some songs are more focused on a specific
genre where it could feel just like, oh, this was
like an R.

Speaker 3 (58:02):
And B trip, right.

Speaker 2 (58:04):
I haven't put those tracks out yet, but they will
be coming out eventually. Yeah, so yeah eventually. So right now, though,
the songs that I do have out there very genre bending.
Like there's some voguing sounds. There's dance music, there's house music,
there's hip hop too, so it's a mixture.

Speaker 5 (58:22):
That sounds fun. Yeah, genre bending.

Speaker 2 (58:24):
I've heard that a girl with range genre bending gall okays.

Speaker 3 (58:30):
As we tend to be ranged?

Speaker 2 (58:32):
What's aries?

Speaker 3 (58:34):
Okay? Wait before we let's I'm wanna play a game
with you. Okay, we've talked so much.

Speaker 4 (58:39):
I'm like, Dan, there's things, there's things I wanted to
other things.

Speaker 3 (58:44):
Okay. So this game is called trigger. Okay.

Speaker 4 (58:47):
And so basically I'm gonna say a word or a sentence,
and you just say the first.

Speaker 3 (58:51):
Thing that comes to mind.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
Okay. Religion, m I mean, God comes to mind, aliens,
a lot of stuff we don't know yet.

Speaker 3 (59:07):
Fashion, work, bitch, beautiful women.

Speaker 2 (59:13):
Always, beautiful women always.

Speaker 3 (59:18):
How you finish that sentence?

Speaker 2 (59:20):
Oh, finish the sentence, beautiful women always love you as
long as you love yourself.

Speaker 3 (59:29):
Feminine hierarchy is.

Speaker 2 (59:33):
Putting women into boxes, and that's associated with judgment, patriarchy,
the whole motherfucking system. Birth Lord, God, the most beautiful thing.

(59:54):
This is an amazing thing. Make I think of womb,
I think of life. Wow, motherhood, nothing like it. Love language,
what's the one where you like, give gifts.

Speaker 3 (01:00:13):
As a service gives?

Speaker 2 (01:00:16):
I'm all of them?

Speaker 3 (01:00:16):
Really polyamory?

Speaker 5 (01:00:20):
Hell?

Speaker 4 (01:00:20):
No, oh, my god, black man? Mm hmm, chocolate, wealth
or wealth or respect?

Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
Respect?

Speaker 3 (01:00:43):
Success is.

Speaker 2 (01:00:47):
Knowing yourself.

Speaker 3 (01:00:48):
Let's see what.

Speaker 2 (01:00:52):
Oh, figuring it out?

Speaker 4 (01:00:55):
Happy eve, judgmental people, bad choices, good moms, and you.

Speaker 3 (01:01:08):
Have survived trigger. I was enmous. So no polyamory for you. No,
none of that. None that's happening. No, No, you don't share.

Speaker 2 (01:01:19):
No.

Speaker 3 (01:01:19):
I don't really believe women are polyamorous.

Speaker 2 (01:01:22):
I'm not into it.

Speaker 3 (01:01:23):
I think it's a lie.

Speaker 5 (01:01:25):
Someone's gonna cover. I don't believe women are naturally polyamorous.
I think that you're dating and now you have a
language for it to say. I'm fucking niggas because I'm
outside and I'm figuring it out. But I think as
soon as a man that you actually like is like
I want to just be with you, but she's gonna
be like okay, sure, Like okay, I'll cut off my

(01:01:45):
other satellites for you, babe.

Speaker 6 (01:01:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:47):
I think it's a state of confusion.

Speaker 3 (01:01:49):
I think it's ethical nonminogamy with.

Speaker 5 (01:01:52):
Long term relationships that you don't want to really live with. Yeah,
you know what I mean.

Speaker 3 (01:01:58):
It's like that's what poor noma.

Speaker 5 (01:02:00):
I basically what the fun you because like even in dating,
you might see the same nigga for a year, but
you're not like it's not like you know, I don't know.
I just think it's I'm fucking people and I have
religion and I want love.

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
That's what it is to you.

Speaker 5 (01:02:16):
I just think, like the language of polyamory, like I
think women generally you want to have freedom.

Speaker 3 (01:02:22):
But like if someone a man that you.

Speaker 4 (01:02:24):
Really like, is like, let's do this together, it's easy
for us to be like easier to be like, yes, okay,
I could do that. I think there's still some women
that can can fully thrive in polyamory.

Speaker 5 (01:02:35):
No, I'm not saying we can't fully thrive in polyamory,
but I'm like, when there's.

Speaker 4 (01:02:37):
You said, it's not natural. I'm saying, like I think
that there's women that I think when.

Speaker 5 (01:02:42):
We feel safe and like someone can hold us wholly,
I think, Yeah, like I it's easier to have one
person I like. I've never liked three people the same
at the same time, even when I had niggas, you
know what I mean, I'd be like, there'd be always
one particular if I like somebody, I like somebody, and
then the other two were not going to seem as
exciting because like maybe because I have.

Speaker 2 (01:03:02):
Focused on Yeah, it's a lot.

Speaker 3 (01:03:04):
I mean, of course you can like different people and
have different experiences.

Speaker 4 (01:03:07):
I don't know, maybe, well that do you have a
hierarchy that not everyone has the access to numeral energy?

Speaker 3 (01:03:14):
Yeah? Yeah, you know what I mean. You gotta have
a lot of energy, and bitch, I don't.

Speaker 4 (01:03:18):
I'm tired. I ain't got that much energy. I don't
have that much brain power to remember everyone's story.

Speaker 3 (01:03:22):
It is what's your grandma's name again? You have a
brother named Freddy? Are you going going through tragedy right now? Wait? Wait?
Your was your mom? Let me check my notes.

Speaker 4 (01:03:34):
I have notes of niggas, like because because my memory
is so bad I will write down people's I'm like, wait, okay,
you have three brothers. I will I will write down
notes of people that I care about sometimes, yes, yeah,
because I want to remember certain things.

Speaker 2 (01:03:48):
I've actually done it a couple of times. Soon, not everybody.

Speaker 3 (01:03:51):
I'm going to start. I like, have shoe sizes of
people that you see. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:03:56):
Wait, because one of my one of my exes had
a lot of siblings, so I had to remember.

Speaker 3 (01:04:00):
I was like, how many Sundays. I'm not going to
keep asking him how many he has? You know what
I mean? Like, is it seven? I spoke?

Speaker 4 (01:04:08):
We's what messes me up to the memory. And then
and then meeting people that have really sharp memories like
that or like really good with details, it makes me
feel worse because they're like, so, how is your grandmother Virginia?

Speaker 5 (01:04:20):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:04:20):
And her brother yeah? And I'm like, what the fuck
you remember that?

Speaker 5 (01:04:24):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:04:25):
Then I feel bad. So then I write notes crazy.

Speaker 5 (01:04:28):
I love it. Have you made any bad bad choices
this this week?

Speaker 3 (01:04:34):
Bad mom? Not a bad mom, but a bad mom
so good.

Speaker 4 (01:04:42):
I'm living, come to mind, I'm thinking about a bad
choices currently right now, and I haven't fully decided.

Speaker 3 (01:04:58):
Advice. Yeah, can we help you?

Speaker 5 (01:05:00):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:05:01):
Right, So a guy I've been talking to, we don't
talk anymore and it's done. He blocked me.

Speaker 3 (01:05:11):
Thinks wow aggressive.

Speaker 2 (01:05:13):
So anyway, I think it's quite funny and very bitchy.
But anyway, like I walked out to my car today
and a note was on my car from him, and
we haven't probably smoked smoked, we haven't. I think it's
maybe been about two months.

Speaker 3 (01:05:29):
Now and you're still blocked.

Speaker 2 (01:05:32):
I don't know because I haven't tried to call him.
But like the one time when I was on Instagram
because we always always send, we send each other stuff.
When I went to send him something, even though we
were like arguing there, I couldn't send it, and I'm like, wait,
he blocked me on Instagram, Like, oh he's upset now baby,

(01:05:54):
I don't need to fix at that point, Okay, I
see what.

Speaker 3 (01:05:57):
We're good.

Speaker 2 (01:05:58):
There's no for me. There's not really need coming back
after that right now, because I feel like I'm the
only one I could throw a bitch in this bitch.
I mean, I don't want a nigga throwing a bitch
pick with me. There's only one diva and she ain't one. Okay,
so anyway, the note was there.

Speaker 3 (01:06:19):
What did the note say?

Speaker 2 (01:06:20):
Maybe it was four pages.

Speaker 5 (01:06:22):
That's a letter cursive, that's just cursive, not cursive. I'm
happy that Nigga knows cursive.

Speaker 3 (01:06:31):
White.

Speaker 4 (01:06:33):
No, why I gotta be white because he's using I
don't know, niggat cursive.

Speaker 3 (01:06:39):
I don't know, Nigga. I've never got a cursive letter
from the black maid in my whole life, and I've
acquired many a love letter, so I thought this must
be another race. Honey, no, baby, wow.

Speaker 2 (01:06:50):
I don't know what he was trying to do, I know,
and I was just like, oh, and I opened it.
I saw my nickname at the top instead of my name,
and I saw the first line and I was like,
I'm not reading this. I'm going on this show today,
like I'm not not all I resk. I looked at

(01:07:10):
some lines. The first line made me nervous because I
don't truly think that even though it's been a couple
of months, I doubt he really understands, like and the
time for me was revealing for me. For you, you're
sad and you miss me. Granted I miss you in
some capacity, like the little things about us. And I

(01:07:31):
did see it for you at one point. But I've
taken the time to actually realize why the fuck did
I even fuck with you?

Speaker 3 (01:07:38):
Is what?

Speaker 2 (01:07:38):
But there's still that little voice inside that's like that,
once you read the note, what are you gonna do?

Speaker 3 (01:07:44):
Yeah, you really need to decide right now.

Speaker 2 (01:07:47):
And I know we're in a freaking the first day
of the retrograde. The note pops up, I'm like, yo,
so I'm scared to read it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:54):
So you're considering not reading it at all, like burning
it in the fire.

Speaker 2 (01:07:58):
Just that's probably what I see.

Speaker 5 (01:08:01):
But don't tell this as that she's like burned in
the fire. Curiosity, the curiosity, burn it all up.

Speaker 3 (01:08:08):
Curiosity.

Speaker 5 (01:08:09):
You know, they say you killed the cat exactly, but ultimately,
you know, you know what it is. Ultimately, whether you
read it or you don't read it, you know how
you feel.

Speaker 3 (01:08:19):
Yeah, But if you know you're not I don't not
strong enough, If you know you're not like what kind
of kryptonite a nikka has on you, there's certain you
got to just not do. You can be curious about everything.
You're not that healed, ye, you know, walk away burn it.

Speaker 5 (01:08:35):
Yeah, because the toxic side is going to want to
play like a cat.

Speaker 3 (01:08:38):
Part of healing is knowing when the fuck.

Speaker 2 (01:08:40):
To burn, the when the door is closed and you
want to go back right and it's like, I feel
like this time showed me that you're not the man
for me, you know what I mean? Like, this is
what this time showed me? And then I just came
to that epiphany. My whole thing yesterday I was telling
you about this is a test, That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (01:09:00):
Test.

Speaker 2 (01:09:00):
But there's a piece of me that really wants to
read it. But I feel like.

Speaker 3 (01:09:03):
What piece of you?

Speaker 4 (01:09:04):
Is it like the higher version of you? Or is
it like the version that.

Speaker 3 (01:09:08):
Probably is it the ego or is it your higher self?

Speaker 2 (01:09:12):
I don't think it's the ego. I think it's the
what if side, curiosity side, or like because I did
like him and I do like you know, I let.

Speaker 3 (01:09:24):
Me ask you this.

Speaker 5 (01:09:24):
It's such. What has the two months revealed that you
didn't see before? Is it the pettiness that he blocked you?
And or what is it that has revealed that you
didn't that you're now seeing that you feel like, is
is what you didn't see before? It's whack it does
that makes you not compatible?

Speaker 2 (01:09:43):
We're very compatible.

Speaker 5 (01:09:44):
So what are the things that you're seeing.

Speaker 2 (01:09:46):
So there's like a lot of things I like about
I liked about the relationship, Like we have a great
time together, we are compatible, we have a lot of
same values and morals. Like there's a lot of things there,
Like I'm attracted to him. There's all those things, right.
I think he's a great person. He's very very motivated,
very like you know, driven. There's all these aspects of
him that I really like. I like the way he lives,

(01:10:07):
you know, he's a very put together person. I like
things like that. I don't like messy men, you know.

Speaker 3 (01:10:11):
What I mean.

Speaker 2 (01:10:12):
Like, there's a lot of things that I the point
when I was I thought I was like I finally
met that kind of guy. I was like, okay, but
our issues are something that are the thing. The thing.
The thing is the thing that I realized where I'm
going to have to compromise myself to be with you.

(01:10:32):
And that was really the thing. So like I think
it's more so my lower self that's feeling like I
want to read it, and well, if I read it,
I don't I know I shouldn't respond, right, So but
a part of you may want to like oh, I'm
supposed to rekindle.

Speaker 3 (01:10:49):
Part of me.

Speaker 4 (01:10:50):
Part of me is like if you're supposed to, it'll
it's this isn't the last opportunity, do you know what
I mean? If something in you is like telling you no, no,
then just to lead with it because you know that
whatever's for you is.

Speaker 5 (01:11:03):
Going to be for you, you know what.

Speaker 4 (01:11:04):
Absolutely, and doing that hard thing and killing the curiosity.
It's actually the hardest ship we're as humans.

Speaker 3 (01:11:09):
It's natural. It's a natural feeling.

Speaker 2 (01:11:11):
Right, I need to learn it because I don't even
need to play because it's going to be. Actually, I
wish I would have brought it. I left it at home.
I left it at home.

Speaker 4 (01:11:21):
They do a little ritual, you know what I mean.
It's a little prayer over it, folded away from you and.

Speaker 2 (01:11:25):
Pray about it. But I think it's definitely giving. Just
don't read it.

Speaker 3 (01:11:28):
But like compromising yourself is something you can't come from.

Speaker 2 (01:11:30):
I'm not going to do. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't even
we answered the question. Yeah, but that would have could
have maybe still maybe the bad decision, just to explore
what is he? Did he does he understand?

Speaker 5 (01:11:42):
Does he?

Speaker 2 (01:11:42):
What are you? Now? Maybe I'll read the note and
I'll realize that, Oh my god, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah,
you don't get it because the first line was really
more so about him, So that kind of was like
maybe all I need to read, right, So I love that? Yeah, Yeah,
I was like, maybe maybe don't read us?

Speaker 3 (01:12:02):
Who could preserve something some sort of we're really trying
to fight.

Speaker 4 (01:12:07):
I mean, I just we got to preserve some sort
of love and like, not you too, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 5 (01:12:14):
Sometimes you just gotta Yeah, it's like learning the language
of men, but they don't even have the language for themselves.
They're so stunted because they're so fucking closed off because
that's how they've had to be.

Speaker 3 (01:12:26):
That literally, they.

Speaker 5 (01:12:27):
Don't even know what the fuck they're feeling and how
to communicate.

Speaker 3 (01:12:30):
It and what they need.

Speaker 2 (01:12:32):
So it's like you missed the good thing right in
front of you.

Speaker 5 (01:12:34):
Yes, yes, I mean in us too, we've been so
like unfortunately deprived of men who can just see us
as human. God, damn is a bitch asking for a lot,
Like just want a man that knows that I have range.
I just want a man that knows that I could
be a mother and I could be sexy. And I
could be sensual and I did some shit in my
day because bitch, I'm.

Speaker 3 (01:12:52):
Thirty fucking eight.

Speaker 5 (01:12:53):
You know, like I I just need a man that
accepts me as a human being, is not does it
seem a lot to ask, but it seems so rare
that even women when they do get a real man
who's like maybe sensitive or is what, does.

Speaker 3 (01:13:08):
Have boundaries or whatever? The fuck?

Speaker 5 (01:13:09):
I'm just making, you know, assumptions about his blocking him
like his his boundaries. But I'm just like that it's
hard for us to come to terms like we have had.
We haven't had that much practice in having a relationship
that's super emotionally evolved because.

Speaker 2 (01:13:25):
A lot of that's a good point.

Speaker 5 (01:13:27):
The love is immature because a lot of us don't
know how to do it. Yeah, so when you do
meet a man that has finally roast the casion, I'm
selling from my experience, like, fuck, I know that I
have to do better because I love you and you're
doing everything right and there's nothing I have no complaints,
And so it has required me to show up in
a way that I haven't never had to show up
before because niggas you usually don't even have the fucking

(01:13:47):
step one common sense. So it's like when someone I
see myself, so I see where i've you know, like
how I act out and things like that. But it's
like we have it's you know, the language of men
is still developing.

Speaker 2 (01:14:02):
Yeah, I mean they were literally brought up to hot
like tonight. We were taught the complete opposite but mixed
with the princess thing you were talking about earlier, like
a fairy tale like concept. And then we live in
a society that's like making us feel like we can't

(01:14:22):
even be who we are supposed to be, and we
can't express ourselves and we have to become this certain
way to like fit into their thing. It's a weird
situation with a to figure it out.

Speaker 5 (01:14:31):
The only way we be saved is the prince comes
and saves us and kisses us. He votes his life
to us, and like, you have to be proper in
prim and modest, but also be sexual because it will
cheat on you with the help. Don't lose your man,
yeah you know what I mean, Like, don't but don't
have more than three.

Speaker 3 (01:14:45):
Don't we gotta do all. We gotta do all.

Speaker 5 (01:14:47):
We're doing, all they're doing, all the mending like, yeah, like,
what the fuck do you want for me?

Speaker 2 (01:14:52):
That's probably why they want to go get Ben over themselves.

Speaker 3 (01:14:55):
That's sure they finally want to get Ben. They want
to get I'm the princess, but you guess do want
to be princesses really bad?

Speaker 2 (01:15:03):
You want to get I mean, yeah, there's a lot,
like I could literally go get this drop.

Speaker 3 (01:15:08):
Gone too far down one spec? Have you stopped on
anybody before now?

Speaker 2 (01:15:13):
But I've been asked to She's like, no.

Speaker 3 (01:15:16):
Is that getting us into a horror story?

Speaker 2 (01:15:23):
Horror stories.

Speaker 3 (01:15:31):
By a man? I guess I know, damit.

Speaker 2 (01:15:33):
This was one of the stories. Yeah, I was like
should I share this with?

Speaker 5 (01:15:37):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:15:38):
Horror story because it never happened, like it didn't fully happen,
but it was a conversation about it.

Speaker 3 (01:15:46):
Did you explore? Did you? It was did you?

Speaker 2 (01:15:48):
Horror story? Not a horror? You know what horror R
R O R, not the w horror. It was a
horse Sorry. Yeah, this boy asked me to strap. I
was like, huh, he was like, would you ever do that?

Speaker 3 (01:16:06):
The text was on person.

Speaker 2 (01:16:07):
We were on the phone, Oh and that's when you're
doing We weren't. We were just friends. We would talk
on the phone, Like I was much younger too. I
don't even think I was twenty yet, held nineteen, not
that much older than we're like in the same age range.

Speaker 3 (01:16:20):
He was explored yeah, and I was.

Speaker 2 (01:16:23):
Really turned off. I was like, yeah, no, it's not
gonna happen. I don't want to. I'm not interested in
doing it to a man. I don't want to do
it now. If that's your thing. Did he don't judge you?

Speaker 3 (01:16:32):
I always wonder, like, did you wonder if you did?
He tell you, like, don't tell anyone.

Speaker 5 (01:16:35):
No.

Speaker 2 (01:16:35):
I think I made him feel like I have a
tendency to make men feel very comfortable to tell me things,
which is totally fine. Like I'm not outing the guy.
Nobody knows, but like the concept of what happened is
still a thing. It's not for me. I still see him.
We show each other love like what I do. Like
we're good, Like we would hang out, we could hang out,
we could do was Yeah, it was just like we

(01:16:56):
talked a lot on the phone. I think he just
felt comfortable and asked me, and you know, wanted to
probably see if I would do it, but I didn't
want to. Yeah, so each of them, Yeah, no, no, No,
But my horror story would be having two boyfriends at
want do they know about each other?

Speaker 3 (01:17:12):
No?

Speaker 2 (01:17:12):
I got caught.

Speaker 5 (01:17:14):
How did you get caught?

Speaker 2 (01:17:17):
I was outside of my house with one talking and
the other one pulled up and taught me, and I
like just broke up with him, like I or something
like that, Like I was there was something. I was
dating these two guys, and one day I was like,
I need to just pick one.

Speaker 3 (01:17:32):
Like they were like they were like full boyfriends, like
this is my boyfriend.

Speaker 2 (01:17:35):
One was like my like I had. It was a
black one and a white one. You get the best
the boat, chill it, I take it.

Speaker 3 (01:17:46):
So and that was that the last time you're trying
to travel two boyfriends.

Speaker 2 (01:17:50):
Yeah, yeah, it was the last time. Yeah, I got
he got up, he popped out the car, So you
end up I stayed with the white one, okay, and
then I didn't regain with him like a week later.
He was older, you uh, I was probably like seventeen.

Speaker 3 (01:18:09):
Yeah, the white one was going to be more accepting
at that point.

Speaker 2 (01:18:12):
Yeah. I really liked the way he was handsome. He
was a model. We met modeling, so like it was
kind of a whole nother world. And then the other
one was just like a guy that I knew through friends,
like in high school.

Speaker 5 (01:18:23):
Whatever.

Speaker 2 (01:18:24):
They're both a few years older than me, though they weren't.
Neither one of them were in high school anymore. I was,
and so I was just like whatever. I was living
my life, Babe. I was a bad teen, stealing cars.

Speaker 5 (01:18:36):
I was stealing cars. Yeah, your mom's car. Yeah, okay,
that seem sounds like you're in the streets. I was
stealing cars too, my mom's car as a mom.

Speaker 3 (01:18:46):
I'm so scared for the teens, man.

Speaker 5 (01:18:48):
I think they're too scary. I think these teens are different.

Speaker 3 (01:18:51):
Yeah. We were risky as fuck. Yeah we were.

Speaker 5 (01:18:53):
We were kind of dumb getting in the cars. Are
strangers meeting grown niggas?

Speaker 3 (01:18:57):
I was doing?

Speaker 2 (01:18:57):
Oh yeah, I was doing a lot of that stuff.

Speaker 5 (01:18:58):
You just reminded me that one I got caught by
my high school sweethearts, my baby daddy. I guess my
Nokia was turned off. I was home alone. I was
like closed all the blinds, and I was with this
other nigga. I was sixteen, and this crazy mother forgot
your parents house. Yes, because I know he's fucking crazy.
I just had an epiphany, like, bitch, you this is
own fault, your fault. He goes to my backyard, comes

(01:19:22):
around the back the yard and comes through the back
and into my house. And I'm just chilling with this nigga,
and I'm like, what the fuck are you.

Speaker 3 (01:19:31):
Doing in my house? He trying to climb through a
window before bitch, that was the prequel, I know. I
just realized I was remembered.

Speaker 2 (01:19:38):
I was sixteenth the prequel.

Speaker 5 (01:19:39):
So I was like, oh my god, like you're crazy
or something. The other guy like leaves, he's in the car.
He texts me like are you okay. The guy's like
lecturing me my baby daddy. And I'm like, I take
the phone. Know why I did this? I stuffed it
at my parents' couch and the side and I said,
let me just go and tell him to leave and
have no shoes on, bitch. I got in the car

(01:20:01):
and I said, just leave, just drive off. He said
he's in there. I said, I don't care.

Speaker 3 (01:20:05):
Oh, like you live.

Speaker 5 (01:20:07):
Left with the nigga with no shoes and no phone, pulled,
no phone.

Speaker 3 (01:20:10):
I stepped in the couch. Then I pulled up to
Danielle's house, asked for some flip flop.

Speaker 2 (01:20:14):
Was the baby daddy not you were scared of the baby.

Speaker 3 (01:20:16):
I left the baby daddy in the house, in my
own house.

Speaker 5 (01:20:20):
I was like sixteen, and I went to my friend's house,
got some shoes, and we went to Californi and pizza kitchen.

Speaker 3 (01:20:25):
Wow, you know what. That's what girlfriends are for. But
why would I leave a nigga?

Speaker 5 (01:20:29):
I should have.

Speaker 3 (01:20:29):
Known what is going on? Wow, that was a fighter.
That's flight. That's called flight. I know.

Speaker 5 (01:20:33):
I'm still I'm living in it for thirty twenty years,
twenty years A you just reminded me that.

Speaker 3 (01:20:39):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (01:20:40):
Wow, Yeah, I.

Speaker 5 (01:20:43):
Was I gonna say, sorry, do you have any affirmations
for the dolls today?

Speaker 2 (01:20:50):
Yeah, let's see, hmmm, okay one then I'm saying a
lot right now? Is I am so grateful for this
new timeline that I'm on.

Speaker 3 (01:21:02):
Grateful for this new timeline that I'm on.

Speaker 5 (01:21:04):
Yeah, I am so grateful for this new timeline that
I'm on. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:21:08):
I love that.

Speaker 2 (01:21:09):
Yeah, yes, And I'm just I'm so open, like I
like to think about that, you know, like being on
the new timeline, all the miracles and opportunities, magic magic
that I deserve is here. And I get to just
receive it. So yeah, that's where I'm at.

Speaker 3 (01:21:27):
I like that.

Speaker 5 (01:21:28):
I like jump hoping a timeline.

Speaker 3 (01:21:30):
Baby, you just feel like a different timeline girls, Yeah,
it does. Really.

Speaker 5 (01:21:34):
Maybe I had a birthday recently, but I do I
feel like a shift?

Speaker 2 (01:21:39):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Speaker 4 (01:21:40):
It's definitely amongst women that are listening to one another
and are loving.

Speaker 3 (01:21:44):
We're changing.

Speaker 2 (01:21:45):
There's a lot of things going to just yeah, I'm
excited to see.

Speaker 3 (01:21:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:21:49):
I don't know how it's gonna go, but it's gonna go.

Speaker 5 (01:21:52):
Like I always say, there's a resurrection of the wild
and free woman. That's honest the witch, which is the
you know, the very it's all the things I just.

Speaker 4 (01:22:01):
Feels in your own individuality. Amen, you know you need
all the individuals and collective priestesses to link up, all
the female fucking titans and soldiers at least they're like.

Speaker 5 (01:22:15):
Their purpose and their divine purpose and live in it
so that we could like, yeah, be in community. Honestly,
that is the medicine and like the pushback of this
regimen that we're in right now, regime measurement, I guess
for the regime, that's what I.

Speaker 3 (01:22:36):
Can't believe we're in a regime. We are.

Speaker 5 (01:22:38):
We are Like there's like people are outside talking about yeah,
like have more babies, but don't vote, Like our rights
are poor household, poor household. They're about to give they're
talking about giving a stipen or something for women to
for young women.

Speaker 3 (01:22:53):
To have babies. Doctor Oz got onto.

Speaker 5 (01:22:57):
Okay, okay, sorry, doctor Oz said women are under baby
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So.

Speaker 2 (01:23:03):
How about we work with the men, we get.

Speaker 3 (01:23:04):
Them, how about we get them up to like how
I get them up to speak? Yeah? And then but
that's the thing.

Speaker 5 (01:23:10):
Women are stopping stopping babies. They're dating later, they're getting
married later because we're we don't have to rely on you. Yeah,
and we know that we're human and I don't need
your validation.

Speaker 2 (01:23:19):
So they want to pull us down here because they
know what they call it pregnant.

Speaker 5 (01:23:22):
And barefoot baby. You can't pull us down. We're already
out the box.

Speaker 2 (01:23:26):
The fire is list, and I feel like there's so
many women we're going to see come up that are
that are really now stepping into their power like this,
like the stupid ship is out, which is like and
we're happy, which.

Speaker 4 (01:23:37):
Is gonna make all of us collectively, like, just let
us do our things so that y'all can catch up,
because collectively we'll all rise.

Speaker 3 (01:23:44):
Together because that's just what women and our energy and.

Speaker 2 (01:23:46):
Our friend and honestly we are what even though the
men are supposed to be like leaders in this capacity,
us shifting to then vibration we need to be on
is going to help them.

Speaker 4 (01:23:57):
That's what I mean. There'll be better leaders eventually. It's
not that Nigga shouldn't be leading, are leading to where
are we going?

Speaker 3 (01:24:04):
It needs we need to be leading together.

Speaker 2 (01:24:06):
Gin alphas will do good. Like your baby's a gin Alpha. Yeah, yeah,
my son is too. I think they're going to be
that ulous.

Speaker 3 (01:24:12):
It's going to be fine.

Speaker 2 (01:24:12):
I think they're gonna be great.

Speaker 3 (01:24:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:24:14):
I think they're not with any of the bullshit, just
like these old people get it.

Speaker 3 (01:24:18):
But there's a lot of dumb people.

Speaker 4 (01:24:19):
I know they've taught their children stupid ship too. So
it's kind of we're battling. We're in, we're in, we're
in different timelines. We're also in different like a different
fight now, you know, with AI and all the things
that are happening.

Speaker 5 (01:24:30):
Oh god, anyway, that's neither here nor that that's a
whole nother.

Speaker 3 (01:24:35):
That's a little card before we get.

Speaker 5 (01:24:36):
Out of it, which is in Fairies and Priestesses.

Speaker 2 (01:25:02):
Okay, I'm gonna put a card I like this.

Speaker 5 (01:25:07):
Oh yeah, that's okay. With his own.

Speaker 2 (01:25:11):
Looks like a man. What is this?

Speaker 3 (01:25:13):
You know what this is? That is the Six of Swords? Okay?
What does it look like? What is he doing?

Speaker 5 (01:25:20):
Is he using a sword to He looks like he's
swimming through sorts.

Speaker 2 (01:25:23):
It's a man with a woman and baby.

Speaker 6 (01:25:30):
Okay, what do the cards say? The cards are saying
that m keep saying.

Speaker 5 (01:25:41):
Okay, six of Swords. The Six of Swords shows that
you're in a state of transition, leaving behind what was
familiar and moving towards the unknown. You might be moving
a house, leaving a relationship, changing jobs, going through a
rite of passage, or a mental shift. This change made
your own doing or forced upon you, and you may

(01:26:02):
feel sad to leave behind what is so familiar to you. However,
you know this move is essential for your growth and
personal development. The sadness over what you have lost or
released will soon be replaced by greater mental clarity and
a renewed acceptance of change. You'll become a better person
as a result. The Six of Swords invites you to
let go of whatever is holding you back, be it

(01:26:23):
from your past or from your present circumstances. Instead, gaze
ahead of your future to choose the way most in
alignment with your highest good and long term potential. You
will not need to make tough decisions and compromises along. Oh,
you will need to make tough decisions and compromises along
the way. See it as a right of passage. You

(01:26:43):
are headed towards a better position in life, so long
as you are willing to evolve and shed whatever you
no longer need. Do not dwell on the what gets
who you left behind. Instead, use this opportunity for changing
your beliefs about yourself, moving away from whom you used
to be and towards whom you want to be.

Speaker 3 (01:27:00):
Hm hmm.

Speaker 5 (01:27:01):
Interesting. Basically everything we talked about in a nutshell alignment.

Speaker 3 (01:27:07):
The next chapter being grateful for this new timeline that
you're on, shutting past versions of yourself, burning the motherfucking letter.

Speaker 5 (01:27:16):
Changing your beliefs about yourself like breaking the boxes, changing timelines.

Speaker 2 (01:27:22):
Wow, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:27:25):
The cards never lie.

Speaker 3 (01:27:27):
I shay I, shay, Well, this is wonderful, so fun. Well,
thank you for coming on.

Speaker 4 (01:27:35):
Can you tell the people where they can find you?

Speaker 2 (01:27:38):
You can find me? Where can you find me? Like
on my Instagram?

Speaker 3 (01:27:42):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:27:47):
Okay, so it's at sign a a z h I
a Asia. That's where you can find me. I do,
respond to DMS. I do, and I just mean, if
you want to talk about it, anything, we could talk,
so you know, come find me and we could chat
to Okay, yes.

Speaker 3 (01:28:04):
Wait, are you still selling pieces and stuff?

Speaker 4 (01:28:06):
Because you like, are you like, where are you at
in like the merchandising of all your fucking bomb ass fashions?

Speaker 3 (01:28:13):
So you keep them?

Speaker 4 (01:28:13):
ALTI on a break, I can keep them, ay, I thought, So.

Speaker 2 (01:28:16):
I think twenty twenty four, I took a break, okay,
and I needed to like realign, which is, you know,
interesting the transition I've been on. I've been on a
transition for damn near four years at this point, right,
just a long transition shout but anyway, uh yeah, so
I do. I am going to be coming back to

(01:28:37):
market soon, which I'm happy about. Although I still kept
things moving, like just not in that way.

Speaker 3 (01:28:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:28:44):
With tz lafem, I took a break from that because
that was at such a high demand, like brand, I
needed to like pull back to step forward, and I decided, Yeah,
so I decided to work in a different way. That's
it in me. I needed to find my flow because
when you get into something and it blows up and

(01:29:05):
all these things are going on and you don't really
have the your little bit in fear. A lot of
choices I made with my brand. I was fearful because
I wasn't ready to let go and step into it
the way I needed to to like go to the
next level because I needed to control. So I had
to really during this transition over these few years, I've

(01:29:25):
had to learn to just like surrender sind render to
God and what God's saying to me and doing and
not having to know like how it's going to go,
but just trusting that God is going to make it
all come together right, and that's where the faith comes in.
So I put my brand.

Speaker 3 (01:29:41):
To the side.

Speaker 2 (01:29:42):
I still started I work with people like clients, like
doing styline branding, all of these things kind of like
mix into one because I kind of can do it all,
weave it all in together, right. So that's what I've
been doing in the meantime and I still have. I
have a new brand that I created, which is a
which is more so like mine. I look at this

(01:30:02):
brand like an experimental brand, and I'm not really sure
where I'm gonna take it, and I'm okay with that.
But right now it's just been like, I curate cool,
funky things that aren't necessarily like the things that are
gonna be sold in every single store or everybody's gonna
want to wear it. It's just an experimental space because
during that transition to the needing to break, I wasn't

(01:30:25):
having fun anymore. And like you said, the play the imagination,
it just becomes so rigid. Oh you got to do
this for sales, and you got to do this like
for views or whatever. I need to be able to
have fun, yea. And what you're seeing now, for sure
is definitely me being in that. Those are the things
that have always made me feel good, having fun, being
a little girl, playing creating. So that new brand has

(01:30:46):
helped me get back to that. We'll bring her back soon,
so hopefully this year. Actually I think it's gonna be
in August. We're gonna drop. I'm excited.

Speaker 4 (01:30:54):
Yes, And if you're listening to this, let this be
a reminder to play, to prioritize the play in your life,
to find the hobby and just.

Speaker 3 (01:31:02):
Do it and just do it for no reason kind
of things.

Speaker 2 (01:31:05):
Yeah, what do they say, romanticize your life, fun with yourself.
And a big thing for me was tapping into the
little girl that I used to be, Like, I needed
to start honoring that, like because when you think about
who you were as a kid, even though my childhood
was rocky, there's still a lot of magic there.

Speaker 5 (01:31:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:31:23):
You know she was fearless. She didn't she just did it.
That's why we were getting into those things.

Speaker 3 (01:31:28):
Right, Okay, yeah, literally just doing stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:31:31):
But you're doing stuff, Yeah, doing stuff.

Speaker 5 (01:31:33):
Literally, just Stechol to go see us you at University
City Walk. He's not on my CD album at Tower Records.

Speaker 3 (01:31:40):
Yeah, I'm going. Yeah. Sounds about right.

Speaker 2 (01:31:45):
I love it.

Speaker 4 (01:31:47):
Well, y'all, please make sure you subscribe to this episode.
We leave us a review on Apple Podcast. Like I said,
join our discord by way of Patreon.

Speaker 3 (01:31:55):
You get episodes early.

Speaker 4 (01:31:56):
When you join our Patreon it's ten dollars a month
and with that you get access to our community on discord.
We have so many people over there, so many incredible
women all over the country, all over the world. There's
people from other places too, from other spots.

Speaker 3 (01:32:09):
Of the globe. Over there, and make sure you follow
a good fibe retreat.

Speaker 5 (01:32:15):
We're probably going to be going to post Rico when
this episode drop, so come check in with our feed.
It's probably tropical and peaceful, so see what we're doing
over there.

Speaker 2 (01:32:24):
Yeah, and we love you.

Speaker 3 (01:32:26):
See you next week.

Speaker 5 (01:32:26):
Than by

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Erica Dickerson

Jamilah Mapp

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}More Than Just a Mom ft. Aazhia