July 16, 2025 • 29 mins
Have you ever had a friendship end without any real explanation?
This week on A Really Good Cry, I’m opening up about one of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn as an adult: not every friendship is meant to last, and sometimes, you won’t get a reason why. I’ll share the story of a connection that felt full of potential, only to end without explanation. It left me feeling confused, a bit heartbroken, and honestly, kind of spiraling for a while.
More than just a story of rejection, this episode is about what it taught me—about communication, grace, and how much energy we give to people who’ve already let go. I’ll also walk through the tools and mindset shifts that helped me move forward, and the surprising ways I’ve found deeper, more aligned friendships since.
If you’ve ever felt confused, hurt, or quietly heartbroken over a friendship that faded too fast, this one’s for you. You’re not alone—and you’re not the only one still trying to understand.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area,
you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You
don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why,
you don't need to do a deep dive. The more
energy that you put into something that feels negative in
your life, the more negativity is coming into your life.
And if that person doesn't want you in their life,
that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't
(00:21):
mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean
that your energies do not match, and that is so fine.
I'm Raley W. Kiah and on my podcast A Really
Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
(00:44):
of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell
you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story
because it's actually been something that I found really difficult
to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons,
but my main reason for sharing the story is because
I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often,
(01:05):
and we end up seeing people with these beautiful friendships online.
You see people together, and to be honest, I have
some really great friendships in my life that I am
so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples
of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to
let you guys in on the times I've been epically
rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me
(01:27):
within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways
that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because
I learned a lesson to throw it about things I
needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in
rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that
is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason,
(01:48):
even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people
just do not want to be your friend, and that
is the harsh reality. But we get back up and
we try again. So I'm gonna really summarized this very
long story, but essentially I met this girl and she
was lovely. Lots of people would tell us that we
(02:08):
would really get along, and so I was like, oh,
this is going to be an exciting new friendship. Anyway,
we kind of had an online friendship for a while
before we actually met in person, and honestly, that online
friendship seemed nice and supportive. We ended up finally going
to I think it was like an event or something
that we were meant to be going to. And before
(02:30):
that we scheduled to meet up and have a really
nice dinner. And honestly, when I went there, we had
such a great time. We got along really well. I
felt like we had a good conversation. You know, I
felt like it was going to be a friendship for
a long time. I think she had just launched something
or something big had happened in her life, and I
took her a little gift to say congratulations, and you know,
(02:51):
it felt like a friendship worth investing in. I think
that we had consistently been messaging each other. I can't
remember what about, but you know, just the Hayes highs
and trying to schedule. Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if
we'd gone back and forth about a date, and then
I kind of forget to respond. That's something that I'm
really working on and have worked on a lot. After
reflecting on this story, like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating,
(03:13):
but at the same time, when it's a new friendship
can kind of give people grace, right You're like, Okay,
they probably do have other things going on. And I
felt the same with her. You know, she would come here,
we wouldn't necessarily get to meet each other. But I
was like, dirt, obviously she's not going to prioritize me.
We're not that close. But still I wanted to continue
and try and build a friendship. And then I was
like reaching out to all my friends and people that
I wanted to send my book to and I was
(03:34):
so excited and I was like, I'd love to send
you my book and she was like, no, no, I'll
I'll buy it. And I was like, oh, that's so sweet,
but I would love to send it to you because
I actually have a gift that's going out to some
of my friends with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe
I've done something wrong, maybe something's happened. I in writed
it to a few things. She said no, and then
I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about
(03:55):
knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional,
and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's
misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment.
We don't have to be good friends, but I just
want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and
that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I
see you and I wish you well. You see me
and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me
(04:17):
being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like,
this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I
want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because
I would feel terrible if that's what you think. And
I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way,
like would love to talk about it. So anyway. She
then ends up messaging me back, I think like six
days later or something, being like, oh no, it wasn't
(04:38):
about you. If you want to send me the book,
then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries.
And I then felt like you know when you just
feel like the energy is not right between you, like
something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So
then I end up reaching out again, like I think
a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd
love to just sit down and chat and just catch
(04:59):
up and and hope you're well blah blah blah. Basically,
I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh,
this is a bit weird because I saw that she
was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker,
I know, but this is something I'm working on. And
then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I
then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you
unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you.
But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me,
(05:22):
but then also I no longer follow her, so like
maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows
both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay,
and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done
something to fully offend her. So then I reached out
to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't
know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like,
have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I
(05:42):
have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't
think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just
trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in
her life, and I was like, what have I done
for her to not want me in my life? Anyway?
It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything.
I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted
was to just have a comversation, just to make sure
that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I
(06:03):
also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe
I gave off the energy that I didn't want to
be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I
was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and
it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and
at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone
go to such an extreme measure with something that I
felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things
(06:24):
can be small to you but then also big to
the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected,
Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation,
doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want
to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay,
you need to stop because this is getting a little
bit crazy and you need to ease off. You need
to like you need to be okay. If someone doesn't
(06:45):
like you, they just don't like you. And I realized
that I had struggled with that throughout my life, and
it was a really good lesson for me to remind
myself that I really have to work on that practice
that rejection, whether it's in friendship and work in any area,
you have to remin but that sometimes it's just okay.
You don't need an explanation, you don't need to find
out why, you don't need to do a deep dive.
(07:07):
The more energy that you put into something that feels
negative in your life, the more negativity is coming into
your life. And if that person doesn't want you in
their life, that is okay. Doesn't mean that that person
is terrible, doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. It
may just mean that your energies do not match. And
that is so fine someone to sell that story, because
I'm sure, in some rendition or some way in your life,
you've been through a situation where you don't know why
(07:28):
someone has stopped being your friend or why that person
doesn't want to be a friend. No matter how much
effort you put in the problem, that we most of
us go through is that we focus on the people
or the things that actually give us the least amount
of attention, and then we don't focus on the people
or the things that actually provide us with so much
joy and actually give us so much love and attention
in our life. It also taught me lessons that I
(07:49):
have recently worked on when it comes to communication and friendship,
and so what I wanted to do. I want to
go through some of the things that I've learned that
have actually allowed me to make some of the best
friends that I've ever had in my life. But also
I shared that story so that you understood that also
rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself out there
is not an easy is not an easy journey, but
(08:10):
it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends, and
they've come in some of the most beautiful ways. And
you know, I've had to reset completely in my life
in so many different phases of my life, whether it
was moving to New York City where I literally knew nobody,
and then I moved from New York to la where
I literally didn't know anybody either, or within the space
of a couple of years, so I actually had to
reset completely each time. I had to find new friends
(08:32):
and then also make time to invest in the friends
that I already had back in London. And for anybody
that struggles with making friends, you know, when we were younger,
we were put in a lot of situations where a
lot of our friendships were situational. So whether it's school
or whether it's college, we're kind of forced into these
environments where making friends is a big part of why
(08:52):
we are there. And so as we become adults, we're
put into less situations like that. When you're a child,
you make friends on in the playground or activities after school,
or sports teams or like me, playing violin, or you
go to your swim classes afterwards, and you create different
friends because of the activities that you do. Your parents
facilitate that for you, and friendships doing childhood are also
(09:14):
so much simpler most of the time because we don't
have the baggage or the complexities of adult life or
responsibilities or expectations that we've built over the things that
we've been through in our life. And so I remember
going through these phases of my life where I was like, oh,
the more friends I have, the better. I need to
pile them up. And then I went through phases where
I'd been burned and I had my walls up, and
I was like, oh, I only need a few good
(09:34):
friends in my life. And I actually realized now that
both the narratives for me were wrong. One thing I
do know is that connection and community can completely make
or break you. I have so many friends who, when
I moved to LA would tell me just how much
they disliked LA because they had not built a community
or made good friends. Then as soon as they found
their people or their community, they completely shifted their mood
(09:57):
and loved LA again. They felt like they had found
their place. And I always say this, I'm like, you
can go anywhere in the world, and if you find
community and if you find good friendship, it can feel
like home. If you don't find that, it will not
feel like home. And that's why LA for me, was
such a beautiful space, because I really cultivated so many
friendships here that it began to feel like family. It
(10:18):
began to feel like we had a community around us.
You know, community is what we're built for. We literally
as humans are built to live together, to be together.
And I think lack of community is a big part
of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually,
if I think about it, I've made some of my
closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a
fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating.
(10:38):
I will say that because it takes a lot of investment.
You also have to start going out on dates. You
have to feel it out. You have to see if
you like the person, you like their qualities, you like
what they do, how you like spending time with them.
And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we
first moved to New York, j You would keep trying
to set me up with every single girl that he
possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you,
guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these
(11:00):
gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But
at the same time, I was like, listen, I need
to do this by myself. I do not need you
to be responsible for my friend life. And I get it.
Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh,
that person may not be really nice, or they already
have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah,
blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling
yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to
(11:20):
tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't
end up even trying to make friends. And you have
to think in your mind, do I want friends or
do I not? And so you can keep building this
narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out
there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and
space into a friendship, you can't expect it to grow
and look. Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships,
(11:41):
and I found some really solid ones. So I thought
i'd just share some of my reflections and hope that
it helps you to create your community too. So my
first piece of advice is do not shut people off
too fast. Give people a second chance. I learned that
from the situation I told you about at the beginning
of this podcast. I've learned that through my own fault
that I've made in friendships before, where I met someone
(12:03):
once and I judged them based on that one interaction,
and then I'm like, wait, I meet them again in
a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe they're in
a different mood, and I really like them as a person,
and I then want to spend time with them. So
I really think you have to give people more than
one chance in your friend's circle, Like would you not
want someone to give you more than one chance? And
if you would, then why would you not do that
(12:25):
for somebody else. I recently had a guest on that
was talking about dating, and she said, ideally you should
do a minimum of two dates to actually make an
informed decision. And I think that's true, whether it's a
relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays we just ghost
and cut people off so fast, like no explanation, no conversation,
no chance given, and we just cut them off because
(12:45):
we're like, oh, you know what, We'll find someone else.
But I think having a wide group of friends and
friends for different things is actually a really integral part
of having a community. You don't have to be best
friends with everyone, and that's the mistake we make. We're like,
but I don't feel like that person's my best friend,
and I don't feel like I can tell everything where
you don't have to. I have friends who I work
out with or play sports with. I have friends who
(13:05):
are my FOODI friends who I know I can go
to fund exciting food adventures with or send them some
fun recipes that I can't wait to make. I have
my spiritual group of friends that I connect with on
practices and fundamental values. I have friends that I know
I have a good night out with, and then I
have couple friends that me and Jay hang out with together.
They don't all meet all my needs, and that's not
what friends are supposed to do. I think the point
(13:27):
is you find different friends, and you find the one
thing or the two things that you enjoy doing or
that you love about them, and then you work off
that every single person has flaws, every single person is
working on something, every single person has weeds. We cannot
expect the people that we meet to be perfect because we,
down well are not perfect, and so you can't expect
perfection from other people. So now when I meet someone,
(13:48):
I think about how do I enjoy spending time with
them most. Maybe I don't love sitting with them one
on one, but that doesn't mean I don't like them.
It just means maybe we connect better in another way.
So on in write them out to a workout or
with an other group setting. And of course you have
to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy you or bore you,
because at the end of the day, you are investing
time and energy and you're fitting them into your life
(14:10):
and into your circle. But if they have the basic
qualities that you like in a person, then why take
away a potential friend from your life? And on that note,
I guess my second piece of advice would be figure
out what your basic values or qualities are that you
like in a friend. I realize in my life because
I have my sister or my mom, I don't really
need a friend to confide in or help me through
my hard times because Jay and then my family are
(14:32):
those crutches for me. They're the people that I turn to.
But living away from my family, I do appreciate friends
that I can do family style things with, like hang
out and play games, or have dinners together, or be
able to call and rely on if my car broke
down or if I need a last minute favor, and
I would want to be there for them in that
way too. I also have quickly learned how to identify
when people start displaying certain qualities that are deal breakers
(14:55):
for me, like the things that I fundamentally know I
do not appreciate friends anymore. And also there were things
that I used to do when I was in dark
times in my life, and so I've noticed that when
people do do these things, it involves being in a
dark space in your own life. One of those fundamental
things and non negotiables for me is if someone is
talking behind someone else's back for absolutely no reason, because
(15:19):
you know what, if they're sharing something about someone else
with you, especially when your friendship is new, then it's
more than likely that they're saying something about you to
somebody else, and especially if it's not relevant to your life,
like if it is just pure gossip where you're being
told information about somebody else's life and it has nothing
to do with you, that to me is not a
sign of a good friend. And you know, I've noticed
(15:40):
and I think I used to do this when I
was younger, where you end up telling people information because
you think it brings you closer, Like I'll tell you
something about this person. You tell me something about this person,
and we're kind of bonding over this secret. But you
don't need to have secrets to be friends, Like you
can just have great energy together, you can have fun together.
You don't need to have secrets between you to actually
be good friends. So figure out and reflect on your
(16:03):
past friendships and what would the deal breakers for you.
Next up, I would say, be okay with finding friends
in the most unexpected places. Listen. I have met some
of my closest friends in the most random ways, the
most bizarre ways. Whether it was the lift in my building,
whether it was that random events and I've invinted them
to my house, whether I was cooking for the fires
(16:24):
and I reached out to a girl that I'd never
met who has now become one of my best friends.
Whether it is me getting slapped when I was a
teenager and through that slap I found one of my
best friends. I know you want to hear this story,
so I'm going to go into it. I think I
was probably definitely younger than sixteen. I think I was
maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to this event. This ridiculous girl,
(16:45):
who had obviously nothing better to do, had told this
rowdy friend of hers that I'd said something about her.
I literally did not even know who she was. I
go up to them. They're standing in a group thinking
that they're all bad, as you do when you're a
fifteen year old girl with all your girl group friends.
They were like, you know, the popular girls. And this
girl just says, did you say something about me? And
I was like no, and she just slaps me around
(17:07):
the face in front of all of them. The girl
that told her was laughing. Everyone was like having a
good old time. I obviously ran off crying because what
the hell. I then ended up telling one of my
friends that I went to school with and I had
become really good friends with her boyfriend who went to
another school. He then is like, listen, I'm going to
sort this out for you. No one does that to you.
He adds me into yes an MSN conversation with one
(17:29):
of his best friends and me, and he's like, listen,
she's going to sort this out for you. Don't even
worry about it. This girl, when I tell you, she
is still one of my bestest friends. We've been friends
for over fifteen years. She is my ride or die,
and this instance or this situation will like show how
bad she is. Like she is and I mean bad
in a good way, Like she had a presence. You know.
(17:52):
People were also a little bit scared of her back then, which,
by the way, obviously I seem to have needed. She
adds Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl
who slept me and her intal conversation, and she says,
you have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend.
Bearing in mind she didn't even know me or else.
This girl is apologizing to me, And funnily enough, I
ended up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me
to don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends
(18:16):
with this girl then ended up sticking up for me
in a situation where I didn't feel like I could
stick up for myself. She is now still one of
my best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need
to talk to someone about anything, she is that person.
She's non judgmental. She has backed me up throughout my
whole life, and we have got into some serious trouble together.
But we met because I got slapped in another space.
(18:38):
I actually ended up coming to stay in the UK
for like five months of my life during the pandemic,
so not long ago, and I was working on my
cookbook at the time, and so I ended up moving
into an apartment building and I thought I would only
be there for a short period of time. I wanted
to test recipes, and I did not want to mess
up my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided
to work from that space, and I decided I did
(19:00):
to start these games nights with some of my friends
in the common area. I then ended up meeting random
girls in the gym, random people in the common areas,
random people in lifts, and I started inviting them to
these games nights. It ended up being like three of
us to ten of us to fifteen of us and
going on week after week after week. And it was
when people would introduce themselves or say, how do you
know Raley, they'd be like, well, we met her in
the lift or we met her in the gym. And
(19:21):
so I actually really enjoyed building community and helping other
people find it. And the amount of people within these
different areas that have told me they were really sad
and that they were trying to make friends and they
didn't know how to, or they actually found friendship within
those groups during the time that they really needed it.
It made me realize so many people are lonely and
we don't even know, we don't even realize it. That
(19:43):
brings me on to making the first move. Okay, put
yourself out there and do not wait for someone to
give you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting
at home for somebody to come and be your best
friend without putting in any effort, without putting in the
first step, without planning, you've got a lot of coming.
You are looking for someone to treat like a princess,
and that's not what friendship is about. So stop planning
(20:05):
those dates. Once you find someone that you like, start
in writing them to things. I'm not all in person, okay,
if I find someone that I like like recently, I
found one of my friend that I really enjoy spending
time with. I've invited her to everything, and we've done
a little sleep over together. I basically invite to every
single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy
spending time with her and we don't have time to waste.
It also allows you to figure out really fast whether
(20:27):
you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like,
instead of longing out over months, going on like a
little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there,
if you invest a solid amount of time, you know
straight away whether this is your girl or it's not.
And Also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff
is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult
to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time
(20:49):
with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly,
even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end
up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you
can be in your chill clothes and hang out and
it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait
for someone to put in that first piece of effort.
You can do that. And if you're nervous about it,
set a time frame, do something which has a time limbit.
Go for a workout, go for a coffee, go for
(21:11):
a little walk. You don't have to spend like a
full day with someone. And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay,
the worst thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool,
You move your energy onto the next person, or you
actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end
up liking you. Cool. At least you tried and you've
learned some skills in how to communicate with someone. Or
they do something that you don't like, Okay, fabulous, that
(21:32):
is a great lesson learned for the next time, or
this is my favorite one. I always think this, and
I'm like, oh my god, what if they think I'm
too keen or if they think I'm too much? And
then I realize, if I have a good intention and
I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying to
be a friend, and I am too much for that person.
They do not deserve that kindness or that energy. So
(21:52):
I just have to keep it moving. And this whole
waiting for someone to message you listen, you already have
to do that in dating or in a relationship. Friendships
are meant to be way less pressure and way less effort,
So let's not complicate friendships in that way if you're
struggling to actually find friends. Some of the people that
I know have actually found some of their best friends
on BUMBLEBFF, and I've actually never used it. I've actually
(22:14):
been in luckily been in situations where I've met people
quite a lot, especially with the work that I do.
But I recommend it because I've seen some of them
with those friends, and they seem like they're having the
time of their life and they've found people based on
hobbies and activities that they like doing. And so that's
another space. If you don't want to use an app,
think about the activities you like doing, whether it's a
sport club like a pickleball club or a tennis club,
(22:37):
or you like pottery and you go to a pottery
class and you meet people there. I think we're not
used to getting out there anymore. Everything is so online.
But you can go out there and meet people and
get used to making conversation with people when you normally wouldn't.
It was actually really sweet. I went to this event
last week. It was actually a Beigan Fashion Week event
and I go there and I must have looked over
(22:57):
and I smiled at this girl. She looked beautiful and
I just gave smile. I then walked in her direction
and she said, I just have to say that your
smile like gave me such good energy and I really
appreciated it so much, and I was like, your smile
did the same for me. We ended up having a conversation.
She was from London, she just moved here. I was like,
let's hang out, and it was just great. We ended
(23:18):
up having a great connection and probably going to meet
up with her next week. But you know, if you
don't end up opening your mouth and you don't end
up having conversations, how are people supposed to get to
know you and how are you supposed to have these
positive interactions with people? And so speak more, interact more
in your day to day life, and there's more of
a chance of refinding friends. Another thing I really enjoyed
doing for people, and it's also helped build friendships with
(23:42):
people too, is I create these community activities. So the
games lights that I once was doing in London, I've
continued doing in the US and so whatever. Usually every
Friday night or something, I'll invite people over. And it
started out really small, and now I have a list
of forty people that I invite to these and sometimes
forty ten up sometimes fifteen do But what I've loved
watching is being a facilitator for people to make friends.
(24:05):
It's a really beautiful thing to do for people. So
if you are someone who has a lot of friends,
connect them. Don't be scared of people becoming friends outside
of your own circle with them. That is selfish behavior. People.
There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What
I love is that all these people who are meeting
at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives,
and they all end up spending time together, going for
(24:28):
dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so
everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the
different friends that they want and how they want to
spend time with them. I'd say my games Nights and
bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements.
It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize
that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued
this cycle for a while now and I really like it.
(24:49):
I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is
really important when it comes to making friends is noticing
your negative traits. And so I have some friends who
I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset
with me about things that I was doing, and I
noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to
change it. The friend that I went to about the
girl in the beginning that I was telling you about,
she told me that, yes, sometimes your communication is really bad,
(25:11):
and I know you, so it's easy for me to handle,
but for people who are new to you, they may
take it in a negative way and someone else mentioned
to me, They're like, oh, when you reply back with
short answers, I always thought that you were upset with me,
but I realized you're not. You're just a fast hyper
And so for me, what I've had to now communicate
openly to my friends is listen, I have to be
on my phone a lot for my work, So when
(25:33):
we're messaging, I'm sending you short messages back just to
get make sure that I've responded to you. And sometimes
I might even forget, but if you called me, or
if you've voiced O me, I will hit you back
for sure. And I've really worked on that, and my
friends have noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow,
I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now.
So people mean something to you and you want to
keep them in your life. Notice what you are doing
(25:54):
wrong too. Another one of mine was being late. I
used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic. I
would end up just thinking I could get somewhere fast enough,
and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track of time,
and I'd always end up late. So I'd built a
narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow,
you're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that.
So I've really worked on it, and now people are
(26:14):
like shocked that I'm always on time, and guess what,
I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some
people are still holding onto it with dear life, and
I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now.
I think it's really important to reflect on what we
can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned
to do because my mind is so scattered and I
have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant
at being a friend. He really is. He's so good.
(26:36):
He's so good at messaging people on no matter how
busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people,
call people, text people. So because I'm not good at
that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is
kept a note in my phone of all the people
I want to check I want to reach out to
on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey,
how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave
it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the
(26:57):
capacity to then keep going back and forth and I
don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them,
so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you
hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I
think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort
people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being
an active listener. We're so used to telling people things
about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active
(27:17):
listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working
on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and
absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that
I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact
with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something
that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that
I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building
deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you
(27:40):
actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey,
how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of
other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are,
Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation,
because if you just say I'm good, how are you?
It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for
the conversation to go in different directions so they feel
like they're getting to know you more, and you can
(28:00):
ask them questions to help you get to know them more.
I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I
hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful
ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in
your life, because that's what community is about, support, care
and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me,
and I hope, hope and pray that it does that
(28:21):
for you too. I read this one quote and I'll
leave you with this. It said friendship is born at
the moment when one person says to another what you too.
I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis,
and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like,
I just want to be understood, and I just want
to feel like there's somebody else in the world that
feels the same and understands me, or a community that
(28:43):
really understands me. And I thought it was such a
beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope
you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know,
send me in some of your rejection friends stories and
also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear
them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful,
wonderful day.
Rejection, whether it's in friendship and work, in any area,
you have to remember that sometimes it's just okay. You
don't need an explanation, you don't need to find out why,
you don't need to do a deep dive. The more
energy that you put into something that feels negative in
your life, the more negativity is coming into your life.
And if that person doesn't want you in their life,
that is okay. Doesn't mean that person is terrible, doesn't
(00:21):
mean that you've done anything wrong. It may just mean
that your energies do not match, and that is so fine.
I'm Raley W. Kiah and on my podcast A Really
Good Cry, we embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing
a space for raw, unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and
allow you to tune in to learn, connect and find
comfort together. Hey, everyone, welcome back to this week's episode
(00:44):
of A Really Good Cry. Today, I'm actually gonna tell
you guys a story storytelling people. I'm sharing this story
because it's actually been something that I found really difficult
to let go of, and I think it's for multiple reasons,
but my main reason for sharing the story is because
I know that in friendships, rejection can happen quite often,
(01:05):
and we end up seeing people with these beautiful friendships online.
You see people together, and to be honest, I have
some really great friendships in my life that I am
so proud of and feel like our great, beautiful examples
of what friendship can be. But I also wanted to
let you guys in on the times I've been epically
rejected as a friend. But this thing happened to me
(01:27):
within the last year. I reacted and acted in ways
that were quite embarrassing, but I don't regret it because
I learned a lesson to throw it about things I
needed to improve in friendship, but also a lesson in
rejection that sometimes people just don't like you, and that
is bloody okay, even if you don't know the reason,
(01:48):
even if they don't explain it to you. Sometimes people
just do not want to be your friend, and that
is the harsh reality. But we get back up and
we try again. So I'm gonna really summarized this very
long story, but essentially I met this girl and she
was lovely. Lots of people would tell us that we
(02:08):
would really get along, and so I was like, oh,
this is going to be an exciting new friendship. Anyway,
we kind of had an online friendship for a while
before we actually met in person, and honestly, that online
friendship seemed nice and supportive. We ended up finally going
to I think it was like an event or something
that we were meant to be going to. And before
(02:30):
that we scheduled to meet up and have a really
nice dinner. And honestly, when I went there, we had
such a great time. We got along really well. I
felt like we had a good conversation. You know, I
felt like it was going to be a friendship for
a long time. I think she had just launched something
or something big had happened in her life, and I
took her a little gift to say congratulations, and you know,
(02:51):
it felt like a friendship worth investing in. I think
that we had consistently been messaging each other. I can't
remember what about, but you know, just the Hayes highs
and trying to schedule. Sometimes I wouldn't respond back if
we'd gone back and forth about a date, and then
I kind of forget to respond. That's something that I'm
really working on and have worked on a lot. After
reflecting on this story, like sometimes I wasn't great at communicating,
(03:13):
but at the same time, when it's a new friendship
can kind of give people grace, right You're like, Okay,
they probably do have other things going on. And I
felt the same with her. You know, she would come here,
we wouldn't necessarily get to meet each other. But I
was like, dirt, obviously she's not going to prioritize me.
We're not that close. But still I wanted to continue
and try and build a friendship. And then I was
like reaching out to all my friends and people that
I wanted to send my book to and I was
(03:34):
so excited and I was like, I'd love to send
you my book and she was like, no, no, I'll
I'll buy it. And I was like, oh, that's so sweet,
but I would love to send it to you because
I actually have a gift that's going out to some
of my friends with it. So I thought, Okay, maybe
I've done something wrong, maybe something's happened. I in writed
it to a few things. She said no, and then
I saw something that she was posting on Instagram about
(03:55):
knowing who your real friends are and people being transactional,
and I was like, oh, my gosh, I think she's
misunderstood what I was actually trying to do in that moment.
We don't have to be good friends, but I just
want to make sure that there is nothing misunderstood and
that the energy between us is clean. And Okay, I
see you and I wish you well. You see me
and you wish me well. That's my baseline. So me
(04:17):
being me, I send a long voice note and I'm like,
this is probably ridiculous, but I saw your instagram. I
want to make sure that it wasn't about me, because
I would feel terrible if that's what you think. And
I'm so sorry if I've made you feel that way,
like would love to talk about it. So anyway. She
then ends up messaging me back, I think like six
days later or something, being like, oh no, it wasn't
(04:38):
about you. If you want to send me the book,
then you can. I said, thank you so much, no worries.
And I then felt like you know when you just
feel like the energy is not right between you, like
something has happened where it's not quite sitting right. So
then I end up reaching out again, like I think
a couple of months later, just being like, hey, we'd
love to just sit down and chat and just catch
(04:59):
up and and hope you're well blah blah blah. Basically,
I didn't receive a response, and I was like, oh,
this is a bit weird because I saw that she
was active on all the places. I sound like a stalker,
I know, but this is something I'm working on. And
then I was like, wow, she really hasn't replied. I
then go on Instagram and I noticed that when you
unfollow someone, obviously you see that that person's unfollowed you.
But what had happened was I think she doesn't follow me,
(05:22):
but then also I no longer follow her, so like
maybe you know when you block someone and it unfollows
both parties. And then I noticed she'd also done that too, Jay,
and I was like, oh my god, I've obviously done
something to fully offend her. So then I reached out
to a mutual friend and I was like, I don't
know what's happened, but I just wanted to check, like,
have I done something ridiculous that's offended her that I
(05:42):
have no idea about. She told me that she doesn't
think I've done anything, and it's just like she's just
trying to weed out people that she doesn't want in
her life, and I was like, what have I done
for her to not want me in my life? Anyway?
It was like full rejaction, Literally have not heard anything.
I have no idea what I've done. All I wanted
was to just have a comversation, just to make sure
that I hadn't done anything to upset her. And I
(06:03):
also realized that sometimes my communication wasn't bad, so maybe
I gave off the energy that I didn't want to
be friends by not responding in certain ways. But I
was like, damn, that was such an extreme response, and
it really upset me because I felt really misunderstood, and
at the same time, I didn't understand why would someone
go to such an extreme measure with something that I
felt was quite small. And I understand that sometimes things
(06:24):
can be small to you but then also big to
the other person. All that to say, I got fully rejected,
Like fully, it seems like the person doesn't have a conversation,
doesn't want to have an interaction, and doesn't even want
to speak, let alone clear the air. My sister was like, Okay,
you need to stop because this is getting a little
bit crazy and you need to ease off. You need
to like you need to be okay. If someone doesn't
(06:45):
like you, they just don't like you. And I realized
that I had struggled with that throughout my life, and
it was a really good lesson for me to remind
myself that I really have to work on that practice
that rejection, whether it's in friendship and work in any area,
you have to remin but that sometimes it's just okay.
You don't need an explanation, you don't need to find
out why, you don't need to do a deep dive.
(07:07):
The more energy that you put into something that feels
negative in your life, the more negativity is coming into
your life. And if that person doesn't want you in
their life, that is okay. Doesn't mean that that person
is terrible, doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. It
may just mean that your energies do not match. And
that is so fine someone to sell that story, because
I'm sure, in some rendition or some way in your life,
you've been through a situation where you don't know why
(07:28):
someone has stopped being your friend or why that person
doesn't want to be a friend. No matter how much
effort you put in the problem, that we most of
us go through is that we focus on the people
or the things that actually give us the least amount
of attention, and then we don't focus on the people
or the things that actually provide us with so much
joy and actually give us so much love and attention
in our life. It also taught me lessons that I
(07:49):
have recently worked on when it comes to communication and friendship,
and so what I wanted to do. I want to
go through some of the things that I've learned that
have actually allowed me to make some of the best
friends that I've ever had in my life. But also
I shared that story so that you understood that also
rejection comes with it sometimes and putting yourself out there
is not an easy is not an easy journey, but
(08:10):
it's definitely worth while. I have some incredible friends, and
they've come in some of the most beautiful ways. And
you know, I've had to reset completely in my life
in so many different phases of my life, whether it
was moving to New York City where I literally knew nobody,
and then I moved from New York to la where
I literally didn't know anybody either, or within the space
of a couple of years, so I actually had to
reset completely each time. I had to find new friends
(08:32):
and then also make time to invest in the friends
that I already had back in London. And for anybody
that struggles with making friends, you know, when we were younger,
we were put in a lot of situations where a
lot of our friendships were situational. So whether it's school
or whether it's college, we're kind of forced into these
environments where making friends is a big part of why
(08:52):
we are there. And so as we become adults, we're
put into less situations like that. When you're a child,
you make friends on in the playground or activities after school,
or sports teams or like me, playing violin, or you
go to your swim classes afterwards, and you create different
friends because of the activities that you do. Your parents
facilitate that for you, and friendships doing childhood are also
(09:14):
so much simpler most of the time because we don't
have the baggage or the complexities of adult life or
responsibilities or expectations that we've built over the things that
we've been through in our life. And so I remember
going through these phases of my life where I was like, oh,
the more friends I have, the better. I need to
pile them up. And then I went through phases where
I'd been burned and I had my walls up, and
I was like, oh, I only need a few good
(09:34):
friends in my life. And I actually realized now that
both the narratives for me were wrong. One thing I
do know is that connection and community can completely make
or break you. I have so many friends who, when
I moved to LA would tell me just how much
they disliked LA because they had not built a community
or made good friends. Then as soon as they found
their people or their community, they completely shifted their mood
(09:57):
and loved LA again. They felt like they had found
their place. And I always say this, I'm like, you
can go anywhere in the world, and if you find
community and if you find good friendship, it can feel
like home. If you don't find that, it will not
feel like home. And that's why LA for me, was
such a beautiful space, because I really cultivated so many
friendships here that it began to feel like family. It
(10:18):
began to feel like we had a community around us.
You know, community is what we're built for. We literally
as humans are built to live together, to be together.
And I think lack of community is a big part
of people's anxiety and sadness in life these days. Actually,
if I think about it, I've made some of my
closest friends in my adulthood and it's been such a
fun process. Friendship is definitely a similar ballgame to dating.
(10:38):
I will say that because it takes a lot of investment.
You also have to start going out on dates. You
have to feel it out. You have to see if
you like the person, you like their qualities, you like
what they do, how you like spending time with them.
And it's so funny because at the beginning, when we
first moved to New York, j You would keep trying
to set me up with every single girl that he
possibly met. He would tell them about me and be like, you,
guys should hang out. So he keeps setting up these
(11:00):
gal dates for me, and it was very sweet. But
at the same time, I was like, listen, I need
to do this by myself. I do not need you
to be responsible for my friend life. And I get it.
Sometimes you can get so in our mind where you're like, oh,
that person may not be really nice, or they already
have their best friend, there's no space for me, and blah,
blah blah. But the thing is, if you keep telling
yourself those stories, which, by the way, I used to
(11:20):
tell myself all the time, then yeah, you actually won't
end up even trying to make friends. And you have
to think in your mind, do I want friends or
do I not? And so you can keep building this
narrative in your mind. But unless you put yourself out
there and you actually choose to invest time, energy and
space into a friendship, you can't expect it to grow
and look. Like I said, I've made many mistakes with friendships,
(11:41):
and I found some really solid ones. So I thought
i'd just share some of my reflections and hope that
it helps you to create your community too. So my
first piece of advice is do not shut people off
too fast. Give people a second chance. I learned that
from the situation I told you about at the beginning
of this podcast. I've learned that through my own fault
that I've made in friendships before, where I met someone
(12:03):
once and I judged them based on that one interaction,
and then I'm like, wait, I meet them again in
a different situation, in a different circumstance, maybe they're in
a different mood, and I really like them as a person,
and I then want to spend time with them. So
I really think you have to give people more than
one chance in your friend's circle, Like would you not
want someone to give you more than one chance? And
if you would, then why would you not do that
(12:25):
for somebody else. I recently had a guest on that
was talking about dating, and she said, ideally you should
do a minimum of two dates to actually make an
informed decision. And I think that's true, whether it's a
relationship or a friendship. You know, nowadays we just ghost
and cut people off so fast, like no explanation, no conversation,
no chance given, and we just cut them off because
(12:45):
we're like, oh, you know what, We'll find someone else.
But I think having a wide group of friends and
friends for different things is actually a really integral part
of having a community. You don't have to be best
friends with everyone, and that's the mistake we make. We're like,
but I don't feel like that person's my best friend,
and I don't feel like I can tell everything where
you don't have to. I have friends who I work
out with or play sports with. I have friends who
(13:05):
are my FOODI friends who I know I can go
to fund exciting food adventures with or send them some
fun recipes that I can't wait to make. I have
my spiritual group of friends that I connect with on
practices and fundamental values. I have friends that I know
I have a good night out with, and then I
have couple friends that me and Jay hang out with together.
They don't all meet all my needs, and that's not
what friends are supposed to do. I think the point
(13:27):
is you find different friends, and you find the one
thing or the two things that you enjoy doing or
that you love about them, and then you work off
that every single person has flaws, every single person is
working on something, every single person has weeds. We cannot
expect the people that we meet to be perfect because we,
down well are not perfect, and so you can't expect
perfection from other people. So now when I meet someone,
(13:48):
I think about how do I enjoy spending time with
them most. Maybe I don't love sitting with them one
on one, but that doesn't mean I don't like them.
It just means maybe we connect better in another way.
So on in write them out to a workout or
with an other group setting. And of course you have
to fundamentally like them. They can't annoy you or bore you,
because at the end of the day, you are investing
time and energy and you're fitting them into your life
(14:10):
and into your circle. But if they have the basic
qualities that you like in a person, then why take
away a potential friend from your life? And on that note,
I guess my second piece of advice would be figure
out what your basic values or qualities are that you
like in a friend. I realize in my life because
I have my sister or my mom, I don't really
need a friend to confide in or help me through
my hard times because Jay and then my family are
(14:32):
those crutches for me. They're the people that I turn to.
But living away from my family, I do appreciate friends
that I can do family style things with, like hang
out and play games, or have dinners together, or be
able to call and rely on if my car broke
down or if I need a last minute favor, and
I would want to be there for them in that
way too. I also have quickly learned how to identify
when people start displaying certain qualities that are deal breakers
(14:55):
for me, like the things that I fundamentally know I
do not appreciate friends anymore. And also there were things
that I used to do when I was in dark
times in my life, and so I've noticed that when
people do do these things, it involves being in a
dark space in your own life. One of those fundamental
things and non negotiables for me is if someone is
talking behind someone else's back for absolutely no reason, because
(15:19):
you know what, if they're sharing something about someone else
with you, especially when your friendship is new, then it's
more than likely that they're saying something about you to
somebody else, and especially if it's not relevant to your life,
like if it is just pure gossip where you're being
told information about somebody else's life and it has nothing
to do with you, that to me is not a
sign of a good friend. And you know, I've noticed
(15:40):
and I think I used to do this when I
was younger, where you end up telling people information because
you think it brings you closer, Like I'll tell you
something about this person. You tell me something about this person,
and we're kind of bonding over this secret. But you
don't need to have secrets to be friends, Like you
can just have great energy together, you can have fun together.
You don't need to have secrets between you to actually
be good friends. So figure out and reflect on your
(16:03):
past friendships and what would the deal breakers for you.
Next up, I would say, be okay with finding friends
in the most unexpected places. Listen. I have met some
of my closest friends in the most random ways, the
most bizarre ways. Whether it was the lift in my building,
whether it was that random events and I've invinted them
to my house, whether I was cooking for the fires
(16:24):
and I reached out to a girl that I'd never
met who has now become one of my best friends.
Whether it is me getting slapped when I was a
teenager and through that slap I found one of my
best friends. I know you want to hear this story,
so I'm going to go into it. I think I
was probably definitely younger than sixteen. I think I was
maybe fourteen or fifteen. Go to this event. This ridiculous girl,
(16:45):
who had obviously nothing better to do, had told this
rowdy friend of hers that I'd said something about her.
I literally did not even know who she was. I
go up to them. They're standing in a group thinking
that they're all bad, as you do when you're a
fifteen year old girl with all your girl group friends.
They were like, you know, the popular girls. And this
girl just says, did you say something about me? And
I was like no, and she just slaps me around
(17:07):
the face in front of all of them. The girl
that told her was laughing. Everyone was like having a
good old time. I obviously ran off crying because what
the hell. I then ended up telling one of my
friends that I went to school with and I had
become really good friends with her boyfriend who went to
another school. He then is like, listen, I'm going to
sort this out for you. No one does that to you.
He adds me into yes an MSN conversation with one
(17:29):
of his best friends and me, and he's like, listen,
she's going to sort this out for you. Don't even
worry about it. This girl, when I tell you, she
is still one of my bestest friends. We've been friends
for over fifteen years. She is my ride or die,
and this instance or this situation will like show how
bad she is. Like she is and I mean bad
in a good way, Like she had a presence. You know.
(17:52):
People were also a little bit scared of her back then, which,
by the way, obviously I seem to have needed. She
adds Within like ten minutes, she adds me the girl
who slept me and her intal conversation, and she says,
you have twenty four hours to apologize to my friend.
Bearing in mind she didn't even know me or else.
This girl is apologizing to me, And funnily enough, I
ended up becoming friends with the girl who slapped me
to don't ask, But I ended up becoming best friends
(18:16):
with this girl then ended up sticking up for me
in a situation where I didn't feel like I could
stick up for myself. She is now still one of
my best friends. Whenever I feel anything or I need
to talk to someone about anything, she is that person.
She's non judgmental. She has backed me up throughout my
whole life, and we have got into some serious trouble together.
But we met because I got slapped in another space.
(18:38):
I actually ended up coming to stay in the UK
for like five months of my life during the pandemic,
so not long ago, and I was working on my
cookbook at the time, and so I ended up moving
into an apartment building and I thought I would only
be there for a short period of time. I wanted
to test recipes, and I did not want to mess
up my mom's kitchen every single day. So I decided
to work from that space, and I decided I did
(19:00):
to start these games nights with some of my friends
in the common area. I then ended up meeting random
girls in the gym, random people in the common areas,
random people in lifts, and I started inviting them to
these games nights. It ended up being like three of
us to ten of us to fifteen of us and
going on week after week after week. And it was
when people would introduce themselves or say, how do you
know Raley, they'd be like, well, we met her in
the lift or we met her in the gym. And
(19:21):
so I actually really enjoyed building community and helping other
people find it. And the amount of people within these
different areas that have told me they were really sad
and that they were trying to make friends and they
didn't know how to, or they actually found friendship within
those groups during the time that they really needed it.
It made me realize so many people are lonely and
we don't even know, we don't even realize it. That
(19:43):
brings me on to making the first move. Okay, put
yourself out there and do not wait for someone to
give you a friendship bracelet. If you're sitting there waiting
at home for somebody to come and be your best
friend without putting in any effort, without putting in the
first step, without planning, you've got a lot of coming.
You are looking for someone to treat like a princess,
and that's not what friendship is about. So stop planning
(20:05):
those dates. Once you find someone that you like, start
in writing them to things. I'm not all in person, okay,
if I find someone that I like like recently, I
found one of my friend that I really enjoy spending
time with. I've invited her to everything, and we've done
a little sleep over together. I basically invite to every
single thing that I'm going to because I really enjoy
spending time with her and we don't have time to waste.
It also allows you to figure out really fast whether
(20:27):
you want to spend time with them or not. You know, like,
instead of longing out over months, going on like a
little dinner dates or spending a few hours here and there,
if you invest a solid amount of time, you know
straight away whether this is your girl or it's not.
And Also, I find sometimes meeting in restaurants and stuff
is so especially with friends, it can be so difficult
to build a proper relationship. I always like spending time
(20:49):
with my friends at home, especially at the beginning, and honestly,
even I'm just a bit of a housebody, you end
up being in an environment that feels relaxed and you
can be in your chill clothes and hang out and
it just facilitates like good conversation. And so don't wait
for someone to put in that first piece of effort.
You can do that. And if you're nervous about it,
set a time frame, do something which has a time limbit.
Go for a workout, go for a coffee, go for
(21:11):
a little walk. You don't have to spend like a
full day with someone. And let's think of worst case scenario. Okay,
the worst thing that could happen is they don't respond. Okay, cool,
You move your energy onto the next person, or you
actually don't end up liking them, or they don't end
up liking you. Cool. At least you tried and you've
learned some skills in how to communicate with someone. Or
they do something that you don't like, Okay, fabulous, that
(21:32):
is a great lesson learned for the next time, or
this is my favorite one. I always think this, and
I'm like, oh my god, what if they think I'm
too keen or if they think I'm too much? And
then I realize, if I have a good intention and
I'm actually trying to be kind, I'm actually trying to
be a friend, and I am too much for that person.
They do not deserve that kindness or that energy. So
(21:52):
I just have to keep it moving. And this whole
waiting for someone to message you listen, you already have
to do that in dating or in a relationship. Friendships
are meant to be way less pressure and way less effort,
So let's not complicate friendships in that way if you're
struggling to actually find friends. Some of the people that
I know have actually found some of their best friends
on BUMBLEBFF, and I've actually never used it. I've actually
(22:14):
been in luckily been in situations where I've met people
quite a lot, especially with the work that I do.
But I recommend it because I've seen some of them
with those friends, and they seem like they're having the
time of their life and they've found people based on
hobbies and activities that they like doing. And so that's
another space. If you don't want to use an app,
think about the activities you like doing, whether it's a
sport club like a pickleball club or a tennis club,
(22:37):
or you like pottery and you go to a pottery
class and you meet people there. I think we're not
used to getting out there anymore. Everything is so online.
But you can go out there and meet people and
get used to making conversation with people when you normally wouldn't.
It was actually really sweet. I went to this event
last week. It was actually a Beigan Fashion Week event
and I go there and I must have looked over
(22:57):
and I smiled at this girl. She looked beautiful and
I just gave smile. I then walked in her direction
and she said, I just have to say that your
smile like gave me such good energy and I really
appreciated it so much, and I was like, your smile
did the same for me. We ended up having a conversation.
She was from London, she just moved here. I was like,
let's hang out, and it was just great. We ended
(23:18):
up having a great connection and probably going to meet
up with her next week. But you know, if you
don't end up opening your mouth and you don't end
up having conversations, how are people supposed to get to
know you and how are you supposed to have these
positive interactions with people? And so speak more, interact more
in your day to day life, and there's more of
a chance of refinding friends. Another thing I really enjoyed
doing for people, and it's also helped build friendships with
(23:42):
people too, is I create these community activities. So the
games lights that I once was doing in London, I've
continued doing in the US and so whatever. Usually every
Friday night or something, I'll invite people over. And it
started out really small, and now I have a list
of forty people that I invite to these and sometimes
forty ten up sometimes fifteen do But what I've loved
watching is being a facilitator for people to make friends.
(24:05):
It's a really beautiful thing to do for people. So
if you are someone who has a lot of friends,
connect them. Don't be scared of people becoming friends outside
of your own circle with them. That is selfish behavior. People.
There is space for everybody to have multiple friends. What
I love is that all these people who are meeting
at these games Nights. They're from different parts of our lives,
and they all end up spending time together, going for
(24:28):
dinners together, and they all become friends themselves. And so
everyone's building their own little communities and figuring out the
different friends that they want and how they want to
spend time with them. I'd say my games Nights and
bringing community together is probably one of my biggest achievements.
It's something I really enjoy doing. And I didn't realize
that until someone pointed out to me that I've continued
this cycle for a while now and I really like it.
(24:49):
I'm stepping into it. Another thing that I think is
really important when it comes to making friends is noticing
your negative traits. And so I have some friends who
I really appreciate. They told me when they were upset
with me about things that I was doing, and I
noticed it was a pattern, and so I decided to
change it. The friend that I went to about the
girl in the beginning that I was telling you about,
she told me that, yes, sometimes your communication is really bad,
(25:11):
and I know you, so it's easy for me to handle,
but for people who are new to you, they may
take it in a negative way and someone else mentioned
to me, They're like, oh, when you reply back with
short answers, I always thought that you were upset with me,
but I realized you're not. You're just a fast hyper
And so for me, what I've had to now communicate
openly to my friends is listen, I have to be
on my phone a lot for my work, So when
(25:33):
we're messaging, I'm sending you short messages back just to
get make sure that I've responded to you. And sometimes
I might even forget, but if you called me, or
if you've voiced O me, I will hit you back
for sure. And I've really worked on that, and my
friends have noticed that I've been working on it. They're like, wow,
I noticed that you've responded back faster than I do now.
So people mean something to you and you want to
keep them in your life. Notice what you are doing
(25:54):
wrong too. Another one of mine was being late. I
used to somehow I just was delusionally to mystic. I
would end up just thinking I could get somewhere fast enough,
and then I'd procrastinate and I'd lose track of time,
and I'd always end up late. So I'd built a
narrative and I didn't like it. People be like, oh, wow,
you're actually on time this time, and I didn't like that.
So I've really worked on it, and now people are
(26:14):
like shocked that I'm always on time, and guess what,
I've got rid of that narrative that once was. Some
people are still holding onto it with dear life, and
I'm like, get over it, because I've proved myself now.
I think it's really important to reflect on what we
can do better in friendships. One thing I've really learned
to do because my mind is so scattered and I
have what Jay do this and he is so brilliant
at being a friend. He really is. He's so good.
(26:36):
He's so good at messaging people on no matter how
busy he is, reminding himself to like check in on people,
call people, text people. So because I'm not good at
that keeping it in my mind, what I've done is
kept a note in my phone of all the people
I want to check I want to reach out to
on a weekly basis, on a monthly basis, say hey,
how are you thinking about you? And I don't leave
it very open ended because sometimes I don't have the
(26:57):
capacity to then keep going back and forth and I
don't want them to feel like I've just ghosted them,
so I'll just be like, hey, checking in and you
hope you're well. I'm here if you need anything. I
think that's really nice, just you know, consistency and effort
people always appreciate. And another part of friendship is being
an active listener. We're so used to telling people things
about ourselves to be closer, but actually being an active
(27:17):
listener such an important part. It's something I'm really working
on at the moment, is just sitting and listening and
absorbing and taking in and actively making them aware that
I am here and I'm listening, I'm making eye contact
with you, I'm fully present with you here. It's something
that I struggle with, but it's the new thing that
I'm working on when it comes to friendship and building
deeper connections and also being vulnerable and sharing how you
(27:40):
actually feel, you know, instead of when someone says, hey,
how are you, instead of saying I'm good, think of
other vocabulary you can use. Explain how you really are,
Share something exciting that's happening in your life, build conversation,
because if you just say I'm good, how are you?
It cuts off the conversation creates space and opportunities for
the conversation to go in different directions so they feel
like they're getting to know you more, and you can
(28:00):
ask them questions to help you get to know them more.
I truly, deeply, I really mean this with sincerity. I
hope that this helps you to build friendships, deep, meaningful
ones that actually fulfill you and create more joy in
your life, because that's what community is about, support, care
and creating more joy. And it's definitely done that for me,
and I hope, hope and pray that it does that
(28:21):
for you too. I read this one quote and I'll
leave you with this. It said friendship is born at
the moment when one person says to another what you too.
I thought I was the only one that was by C. S. Lewis,
and I thought it really depicts what friendship is. It's like,
I just want to be understood, and I just want
to feel like there's somebody else in the world that
feels the same and understands me, or a community that
(28:43):
really understands me. And I thought it was such a
beautiful way to describe what friendship actually is. So hope
you guys have such a wonderful week. Let me know,
send me in some of your rejection friends stories and
also your success friendship stories. I would love to hear
them and sending your so much love. Have a wonderful,
wonderful day.
Host
Jennie Garth
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