September 12, 2026 • 19 mins
This is a relationship term that has caught on for all the reasons you’ll never guess. We are all so burned out from flag culture… red flags, green flags, yellow flags… that we’ve started to turn every small, quirky habit into a referendum on our relationships. Experts say the unusual and yes, even mildly annoying habits of your partner or a potential partner are NOT evidence that someone is incompatible with us. We’ve stopped dating each other and are constantly surveilling and labeling one another. We go over some hilarious examples, and some of our own beige flags, to remind us all that some of the strange things we do, may end up being the most endearing if we just look at them through a different lens.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey there, folks. It is Saturday, September the 12th, and sure,
we all know what red flags are in a relationship. Hell,
we even learned recently what a green flag is. I
don't know what a beige flag is. And with that,
welcome to this Relationship Saturday episode of Amy and TJ,
where we often all learn this together. Rose has brought
(00:24):
something to me now, once again. I'm not familiar with,
but there's a red flag, there's a green flag and
a beige flag.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes. Now people are talking about beige flags and they're
wondering what they should do with them, but we should
probably begin with describing what they are, right?
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I don't really have a hint. Red means stop, green
means go. Beige, beige flag in a relationship. It's just
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Okay, so they are described as the quirky, unusual, maybe
even boring traits that you notice in someone, and you
don't know if they're good or they're bad. And unlike
red flags, which signal danger, like you pointed out, like abort, abort,
or green flags, which tell you this is a good mate,
go for it, these don't necessarily tell you they're a
(01:12):
great partner, but... They tell you that you should get
curious and ask yourself what they make you feel. Can
I give you some examples of what some beige flags
might be?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
I definitely want, but it's not good or bad. You're
supposed to determine if it's good or bad. I don't
know if I understand it yet.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
So first of all, they were described as, this is
just a moment where you need, everyone's hyper and overanalyzing
everyone else. And look, I even hear this from Ava.
We had a conversation, she's going on dates and she said,
I think I'm just too picky. I do think this
is part of the conversation where people start to assign value, worth,
(01:56):
or some sort of action that needs to be taken
based on everything someone else does. So we're overanalyzing each other.
We're holding each other up to a standard that becomes
almost impossible to actually settle in on a partner, feel
comfortable with them, and embrace all their quirks.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
You make it sound to me like this is all in,
not the person we're dating, but in our own mind.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Oh, okay. Correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
And so this is kind of a moment where we've
got all the yellow flags, red flags, green flags, beige flags.
And I think the point is we all need to
calm down. That's part of this conversation. And the term
is caught on because people are getting burned out from
all the flag culture. That is where it is important
(02:45):
to put this beige flag concept in the perspective of
everybody is burned out from labeling everyone. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
I was about to raise my hand about flag culture.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
This idea that we don't know how to date anymore.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
We don't just know how to have basic human interaction,
and we almost have a sheet here we're supposed to check.
This person is this or that, or they showed up
this way or that way. Wow, a flag culture. That's sad.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Yes, and so the point of this is basically, here's
the headline, Stop Turning. Stop Turning. Every small habit you
see in someone else into a referendum on your relationship
or a referendum on even the possibility of a relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Okay. You said you had examples though. I need to
hear this.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Yes. Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
So here are some beige flag examples that they give.
And we could actually, I actually, it made me think
of what ours is. are that we started to learn
about each other when we got into a relationship. But
some of them are, you just laughed. You know, when
you said to me, by the way, when we first
started dating, you said, wow, I hope all these quirky
little things that you do remain cute to me. Because
(04:01):
when they stop being cute, we might be in trouble.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
So when we first started dating, I thought that's like
a weekly saying I have for you.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I just remember you saying that early on in our
romantic relationship because it's one thing to see it in
a friend. It's another thing to see it in a
romantic partner.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
That is true.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
So, okay, here are some of the beige flag examples
that they give. Talking to yourself. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
If someone talks.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yep. Just constantly talks to themselves. People might be like,
what the hell is that person doing? That would be
one of my beige flags.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
That might be red for me.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
I mean.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Because that suggests, well, all kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Well, you ask me all the time, are you speaking
to me or are you just talking to yourself?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
See, talking to yourself is different from just talking like
your thoughts out loud.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Well, yeah, that's what we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Well, some people talk to themselves. It's different, baby.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Well, and I would go so far as to say
talking about yourself in third person. Now, that's a full-on
red flag for me.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Okay, I do that often. Like, TJ, you idiot. I
do that a lot. You hear me do that often.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
You do, but you don't use it in a narcissistic way. Like,
TJ thinks that he's hungry.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
TJ's strong.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yes, we're not talking about that. All right, here's another one. Red,
beige flag examples. Excuse me. Keeping 40 tabs open on
their computer.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Is that a beige flag?
Speaker 2 (05:21):
It, it's a quirk and it can bother people. Sometimes
when people look, I've had people complain about the number
of messages, unread messages that people will see in their
partner's phone and how irritating that is to them. They
have like 5,000 unread messages. Yes. So that's a beige flag.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Okay. Well, you just named two, two out of the three.
I got them.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Eating the same breakfast every morning.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
I do that too. Actually, I do mix it up. Sorry.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Sometimes you do. Um, Quoting movie lines during serious conversations.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
That's all day long.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
So in my notes, I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, TJ.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Not during a serious conversation.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Oh, no. Sometimes you will, and I kind of take offense.
You're like, babe, that was actually from a movie. And
then you will tell me who said it and what
movie it was in so I don't get further upset.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
That's only, oh, my goodness. Okay. Well, obviously, these are all,
I do every single one of these.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Okay. Keeping a detailed spreadsheet ranking every restaurant they've visited.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
No. No, but you have it in your mind.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
I have what?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
A spreadsheet of the service, the food, whether or not
we can go back.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
We go to five, please.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
That's true. That's true. Okay, here's one of my beige flags,
because you'll laugh when I say this one. Telling the
same five stories at every social gathering.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Everybody does that. You know who's the worst at that?
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Chuck.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
You've heard them now. You haven't even known them that long.
You've heard the same stories.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Oh, my God. All right. Refusing to use GPS because
they know a better way. Neither one of us do that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Okay, that's just a warning for every woman dating a man. Exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Whistling while they walk.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Really?
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Yeah, that can be like, what? It seems strange. You
whistle around the house with a vibrato, which I actually
think is cute.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
But I often do that to Sue. to calm myself down,
to get a tune going. But if I'm out walking
and whistling, I made it in America. Who the hell
has time to just take a walk and start whistling? Nobody.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
All right. Owning an unusual amount of clothing in the
same color. Hmm.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And basically, it's defined solely as behaviors you notice and
find weird. I will tell you some of the things
I noticed about you when we first started dating that
I would absolutely describe as beige flags. Because I had
to say, wow, okay, this isn't something I'm used to.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
It's going to be Thanksgiving in here somewhere?
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Well... I was going to go with your Die Hard obsession.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
That's what I mean. Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Yes. I thought that was what you were referencing.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yes. I don't know why it was a big deal.
That was a little strange to me. Ten months out
of the year, I never watch Die Hard.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
It remains strange to me.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
I do it.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
You want to tell the exact quirky habit you have?
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Oh, my goodness. Starting on Thanksgiving Day, Die Hard.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Bruce Willis. 1988. That movie, which is obviously one of
my favorites. plays in the house where I am, no
matter where I am, 24-7 through January 1.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
And we leave the house, and one of the TVs
has to remain on with Die Hard on it. In fact,
you have a DVD player, right? And it just is
on a loop, and it just plays Die Hard. So
even if we turn off other TVs, you'll know at
least there's one TV dedicated to the Die Hard loop. Yes,
that is a beige flag.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
It's a bit when you're looking for something, but why
is that a beige flag? We all have our things.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Um, and then the TV on while you're sleeping. That's it.
Sometimes it feels like a red flag, but it's a
beige flag. It's just, you need that to soothe yourself.
And so I have learned to adapt.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
But you know, the funny thing, die hard. I always
thought you might mention the other thing. Uh, I always
have the iPad in the bathroom, usually archers on, right?
That's your other page. I have another. There's a couple things.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
You have quirks.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
But you know what, Rob? I did the, oh, He-Man.
I had He-Man playing the other day, the old commercial.
And I also have the DVD set of every single
He-Man cartoon that's ever been made. I have it. You
know what, Robes? You know this about me. It's the
cleaning thing, too. I don't eat for comfort when I'm
struggling like some people might do. I'm looking for comforts.
(09:31):
He-Man makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. These
are things, really, they do, baby. It's the same, maybe,
as you would compare to somebody who is struggling or
depressed or whatever, and they turn to food because it's
their emotion. Those are the things. You see me sometimes
put on Aladdin. When you see these things around the.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
House- I know you're not doing well.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
DJ is struggling.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
When I saw He-Man, I was like, oh, wow. He
is going back to his childhood binky at this point.
He's not doing well. He needs to be comforted.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Those things soothe me. I calm. I don't laugh.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Out.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I'm not yelling and screaming and all this. I soothe.
So yes, maybe they're red flags.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
No, they're beige flags. Yeah, and it's just one of
those things. Everybody's got them. Everybody's got them. All right,
what are my beige flags? I was going to say,
is it wearing my red light mask? No.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Well, I wouldn't... I don't know. I never put them
in that kind of category. A beige flag, a weird thing,
a quirky thing. Some of it's just cultural. Some of
it's your background. I never... I mean, things you do.
I don't know if there's some quirky thing. You play
Candy Crush.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Okay. So? I like to play Super Mario Brothers. We
have a game machine at that. I don't know. It's different.
It's quirky. I never... Say, ooh, I better watch out
because I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
It's just a quirky, unusual behavior.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
But you said it means it needs to be put
through some kind of, you have to give it some
kind of scrutiny.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
It stands out and then you have to decide, wait,
is this gonna bother me enough where I'm gonna judge
this person by that behavior or stop a relationship because
of that behavior? And so, yes, I do like the
idea that this whole concept is being talked about and
being described because it should be an opportunity for us
to actually take a step back and say, yeah, we're
(11:17):
all unique human beings who have quirks. And this is
the big thing. I thought this was so interesting. Relationship
experts say, Think about how you regard someone's quirkiness, someone's
unusual behaviors, or someone who does something that you don't
understand or that you've never seen before. It tells us
less about the person we're observing and it tells us
(11:38):
more about our reaction to them. And so this should
be a signal to actually reflect about why you're feeling
the way we're feeling. So when we come back, we're
gonna tell you how you should treat, according to the experts,
beige flags in your relationship and how you can turn
those beige flags into into green flags. Welcome back, everyone,
(12:07):
to another edition of our Relationship Saturday. These are fun.
We like having these conversations because you learn something, and
I think it's actually just fun to have these conversations
with the person you're dating or even just thinking about it,
reflecting on some of these topics as you're looking for
your person.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
I have a question. Can a beige flag, are we
looking at these things because we actually have a problem
with that person? We're questioning the relationship, not necessarily some
quirky behavior. Is that a part of this at all?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
So relationship experts are saying that because of the way
we are dating now and the way we are in relationships,
I think with social media and all sorts of these
chat rooms and forums, Reddit. You can kind of crowdsource,
what should I think about this? And no one's actually
just doing some self-reflection and actually asking themselves, why does
this stand out to me? Why is this bothering me?
(13:00):
Or why is this sparking something in me? And so
they said, just remember, dating is not supposed to be,
or it's not supposed to feel like a background check.
And it's become so focused on categorizing people. We label everyone,
we vet people. And we start to treat every single
quirk or maybe you even could call it a human
imperfection as evidence that, oh, they're not compatible with me.
(13:24):
And it's almost like we're looking for an excuse to
get out of a relationship or to not even get
into one because it's scary and we have to be
vulnerable and we have to compromise and we have to
expand our heads and our hearts. And that is uncomfortable sometimes.
And so instead of being willing to do that, we
just say, oh, see, that means we're not compatible. Because
(13:45):
I would never do that. And that's so weird that
he or she is doing that. So I'm out or
I won't even start. And that is the caution here.
It makes sense. So they say a better question instead
of asking, like, why does he do that? Or why
is she behaving like that? You should actually ask yourself.
how does this person consistently make me feel? Do I
(14:06):
feel safe? Do I feel seen? Do I feel valued?
That tells you way more about that person than whether
or not they have some weird collection of spoons in
their house, whatever it is that people do. People collect
strange things. I've had a friend who was dating a
guy who she was really kind of into. He brought
her over to her apartment, I'll tell you who it
(14:26):
is afterwards. And she saw he had, if this person's listening,
they will know who they are. He had like a,
and he was well off and had a great job,
but a wild collection of like race, like hot, hot cars.
What are they called? Hot wheels. And he had them
like all over his apartment and like had them encased.
And she was like, yeah, this is just too weird
(14:47):
for me.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I'm out.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Wow. She thought it made, it made him seem juvenile.
It made him seem like a little boy, and she
just was immediately turned off. Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Take the cars out of it. Did he act like
a little boy?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
No. She didn't like that he was a weird collector
of Hot Wheels. No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
He was a normal guy who collected Hot Wheels. I
look at that as, wow, he has a passion that
even in his older years, he's still holding on to
those think robes. I say that about you all the time.
It's one of the best things about you is you
still act like a little kid at times and get
excited about things. You will see joy. And adults like that,
(15:23):
acting like kids, that's too bad. The Hot Wheels guy.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
I don't know. But I mean, maybe there were other
things and that was just the final straw. But when
she tells the story, it's funny. But yes, people love
telling the story of why they couldn't date someone or
why they got out of a relationship. But this is
the headline. And this is how therapists say, you start
to turn beige, first acknowledge their beige flags. They're not
affecting you. They don't mean this person's bad or undateable
(15:55):
or incompatible with you. It's just different than you. And
so Real relationships, remember, are built not by finding someone
who doesn't have strange habits. Every single person on the
planet has a strange habit to someone else. It might
not feel strange to you, but it's strange to everyone else.
And beige flags are actually What makes someone uniquely them?
(16:19):
And so if you can start to look at this person,
so I see the fact that you've got He-Man on
or Die Hard on, and instead of going, that's so weird. Like,
what is that? You could say, wow, that's so sweet
that he's connected to this part of his youth that
brings him a feeling of safety and comfort. And that's
super sweet. Like, I love that about him. That's unique
(16:40):
to him. And it's part of the reason why I
love him because it's a completer, fuller version of him
and some of his vulnerabilities. I think that's actually, and
if you can actually look at it from that vantage point,
and I think you've said that about some of my quirks,
like to, to, I hope I still keep thinking all
the little things you do are cute because, but if
(17:01):
that's how you can look at through that, like that
is what makes that person unique.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Yeah. It's, I mean, I guess robe, some people find
out about these flags later. And is that the, no,
you're talking about some people finding these early on while
they're dating.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
And maybe when, maybe when you move in with someone,
you see, wow, they do their squats while they're brushing
their teeth. That's weird. But instead of saying that, they
say some of those things that seem strange or maybe
even mildly annoying at first, if you can actually view
them through the lens of, yes, this is what makes
them special, they say eventually those are the very things
20 years down the road that you actually might find
(17:39):
most endearing about them. I love that. And sometimes so
much of relationships and so much of the world is
how we choose to see them. And we can change
how we view things. We can decide. to see them
through a different lens instead of one of annoyance. Think
about it like, wow, that's so cute or that's so
(17:59):
sweet or that's so special and no one else in
the world does that but them.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
It's hard to do when you're first meeting somebody, right?
It just is. You could pull out any weird habit
now and I'm like, oh, that's my girl. But when
you get to know somebody over time and you care
about that person over time and you know that person
is going to be in your life, then when things
start to show up, They're not deal breakers because you
have a foundation that you've established that this is a
(18:25):
good person and I care about them and we hit
it off. But yeah, at the beginning, these are just excuses.
You always say, babe, nobody wants to, you're always trying
to protect yourself. You don't want to get hurt. So
let me bail and use this as an excuse before
that person finds out about my weird shit and dump me.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Exactly. And look, I love this final line. One of
the relationship experts said this, it's important to remember that
You are never going to love every single thing about
your partner. Period. And just accept that. And then lean
into the quirks.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
What was the rule? It was the 80-20 rule or
something for a little while. Like you can, they got 80%
of what you love and 20% of what you hate. Congratulations.
Marry that person. I love that.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
So let your beige flag fly, everyone. And with that,
we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach
alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.
Hey there, folks. It is Saturday, September the 12th, and sure,
we all know what red flags are in a relationship. Hell,
we even learned recently what a green flag is. I
don't know what a beige flag is. And with that,
welcome to this Relationship Saturday episode of Amy and TJ,
where we often all learn this together. Rose has brought
(00:24):
something to me now, once again. I'm not familiar with,
but there's a red flag, there's a green flag and
a beige flag.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes. Now people are talking about beige flags and they're
wondering what they should do with them, but we should
probably begin with describing what they are, right?
Speaker 1 (00:41):
I don't really have a hint. Red means stop, green
means go. Beige, beige flag in a relationship. It's just
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Okay, so they are described as the quirky, unusual, maybe
even boring traits that you notice in someone, and you
don't know if they're good or they're bad. And unlike
red flags, which signal danger, like you pointed out, like abort, abort,
or green flags, which tell you this is a good mate,
go for it, these don't necessarily tell you they're a
(01:12):
great partner, but... They tell you that you should get
curious and ask yourself what they make you feel. Can
I give you some examples of what some beige flags
might be?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
I definitely want, but it's not good or bad. You're
supposed to determine if it's good or bad. I don't
know if I understand it yet.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
So first of all, they were described as, this is
just a moment where you need, everyone's hyper and overanalyzing
everyone else. And look, I even hear this from Ava.
We had a conversation, she's going on dates and she said,
I think I'm just too picky. I do think this
is part of the conversation where people start to assign value, worth,
(01:56):
or some sort of action that needs to be taken
based on everything someone else does. So we're overanalyzing each other.
We're holding each other up to a standard that becomes
almost impossible to actually settle in on a partner, feel
comfortable with them, and embrace all their quirks.
Speaker 1 (02:13):
You make it sound to me like this is all in,
not the person we're dating, but in our own mind.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Oh, okay. Correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
And so this is kind of a moment where we've
got all the yellow flags, red flags, green flags, beige flags.
And I think the point is we all need to
calm down. That's part of this conversation. And the term
is caught on because people are getting burned out from
all the flag culture. That is where it is important
(02:45):
to put this beige flag concept in the perspective of
everybody is burned out from labeling everyone. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
I was about to raise my hand about flag culture.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (03:00):
This idea that we don't know how to date anymore.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
We don't just know how to have basic human interaction,
and we almost have a sheet here we're supposed to check.
This person is this or that, or they showed up
this way or that way. Wow, a flag culture. That's sad.
Speaker 2 (03:16):
Yes, and so the point of this is basically, here's
the headline, Stop Turning. Stop Turning. Every small habit you
see in someone else into a referendum on your relationship
or a referendum on even the possibility of a relationship.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Okay. You said you had examples though. I need to
hear this.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Yes. Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
So here are some beige flag examples that they give.
And we could actually, I actually, it made me think
of what ours is. are that we started to learn
about each other when we got into a relationship. But
some of them are, you just laughed. You know, when
you said to me, by the way, when we first
started dating, you said, wow, I hope all these quirky
little things that you do remain cute to me. Because
(04:01):
when they stop being cute, we might be in trouble.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
So when we first started dating, I thought that's like
a weekly saying I have for you.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I just remember you saying that early on in our
romantic relationship because it's one thing to see it in
a friend. It's another thing to see it in a
romantic partner.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
That is true.
Speaker 2 (04:19):
So, okay, here are some of the beige flag examples
that they give. Talking to yourself. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
If someone talks.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yep. Just constantly talks to themselves. People might be like,
what the hell is that person doing? That would be
one of my beige flags.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
That might be red for me.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
I mean.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Because that suggests, well, all kinds of things.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Well, you ask me all the time, are you speaking
to me or are you just talking to yourself?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
See, talking to yourself is different from just talking like
your thoughts out loud.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Well, yeah, that's what we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
Well, some people talk to themselves. It's different, baby.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Well, and I would go so far as to say
talking about yourself in third person. Now, that's a full-on
red flag for me.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Okay, I do that often. Like, TJ, you idiot. I
do that a lot. You hear me do that often.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
You do, but you don't use it in a narcissistic way. Like,
TJ thinks that he's hungry.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
TJ's strong.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yes, we're not talking about that. All right, here's another one. Red,
beige flag examples. Excuse me. Keeping 40 tabs open on
their computer.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
Is that a beige flag?
Speaker 2 (05:21):
It, it's a quirk and it can bother people. Sometimes
when people look, I've had people complain about the number
of messages, unread messages that people will see in their
partner's phone and how irritating that is to them. They
have like 5,000 unread messages. Yes. So that's a beige flag.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Okay. Well, you just named two, two out of the three.
I got them.
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Eating the same breakfast every morning.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
I do that too. Actually, I do mix it up. Sorry.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Sometimes you do. Um, Quoting movie lines during serious conversations.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
That's all day long.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
So in my notes, I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, TJ.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Not during a serious conversation.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Oh, no. Sometimes you will, and I kind of take offense.
You're like, babe, that was actually from a movie. And
then you will tell me who said it and what
movie it was in so I don't get further upset.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
That's only, oh, my goodness. Okay. Well, obviously, these are all,
I do every single one of these.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Okay. Keeping a detailed spreadsheet ranking every restaurant they've visited.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
No. No, but you have it in your mind.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
I have what?
Speaker 2 (06:24):
A spreadsheet of the service, the food, whether or not
we can go back.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
We go to five, please.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
That's true. That's true. Okay, here's one of my beige flags,
because you'll laugh when I say this one. Telling the
same five stories at every social gathering.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Everybody does that. You know who's the worst at that?
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Chuck.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
You've heard them now. You haven't even known them that long.
You've heard the same stories.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Oh, my God. All right. Refusing to use GPS because
they know a better way. Neither one of us do that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Okay, that's just a warning for every woman dating a man. Exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
Whistling while they walk.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Really?
Speaker 2 (07:03):
Yeah, that can be like, what? It seems strange. You
whistle around the house with a vibrato, which I actually
think is cute.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
But I often do that to Sue. to calm myself down,
to get a tune going. But if I'm out walking
and whistling, I made it in America. Who the hell
has time to just take a walk and start whistling? Nobody.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
All right. Owning an unusual amount of clothing in the
same color. Hmm.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Hmm.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
And basically, it's defined solely as behaviors you notice and
find weird. I will tell you some of the things
I noticed about you when we first started dating that
I would absolutely describe as beige flags. Because I had
to say, wow, okay, this isn't something I'm used to.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
It's going to be Thanksgiving in here somewhere?
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Well... I was going to go with your Die Hard obsession.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
That's what I mean. Thanksgiving.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Yes. I thought that was what you were referencing.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Yes. I don't know why it was a big deal.
That was a little strange to me. Ten months out
of the year, I never watch Die Hard.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
It remains strange to me.
Speaker 1 (08:02):
I do it.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
You want to tell the exact quirky habit you have?
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Oh, my goodness. Starting on Thanksgiving Day, Die Hard.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Bruce Willis. 1988. That movie, which is obviously one of
my favorites. plays in the house where I am, no
matter where I am, 24-7 through January 1.
Speaker 2 (08:24):
And we leave the house, and one of the TVs
has to remain on with Die Hard on it. In fact,
you have a DVD player, right? And it just is
on a loop, and it just plays Die Hard. So
even if we turn off other TVs, you'll know at
least there's one TV dedicated to the Die Hard loop. Yes,
that is a beige flag.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
It's a bit when you're looking for something, but why
is that a beige flag? We all have our things.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Um, and then the TV on while you're sleeping. That's it.
Sometimes it feels like a red flag, but it's a
beige flag. It's just, you need that to soothe yourself.
And so I have learned to adapt.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
But you know, the funny thing, die hard. I always
thought you might mention the other thing. Uh, I always
have the iPad in the bathroom, usually archers on, right?
That's your other page. I have another. There's a couple things.
Speaker 2 (09:11):
You have quirks.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
But you know what, Rob? I did the, oh, He-Man.
I had He-Man playing the other day, the old commercial.
And I also have the DVD set of every single
He-Man cartoon that's ever been made. I have it. You
know what, Robes? You know this about me. It's the
cleaning thing, too. I don't eat for comfort when I'm
struggling like some people might do. I'm looking for comforts.
(09:31):
He-Man makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. These
are things, really, they do, baby. It's the same, maybe,
as you would compare to somebody who is struggling or
depressed or whatever, and they turn to food because it's
their emotion. Those are the things. You see me sometimes
put on Aladdin. When you see these things around the.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
House- I know you're not doing well.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
DJ is struggling.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
When I saw He-Man, I was like, oh, wow. He
is going back to his childhood binky at this point.
He's not doing well. He needs to be comforted.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Those things soothe me. I calm. I don't laugh.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Out.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I'm not yelling and screaming and all this. I soothe.
So yes, maybe they're red flags.
Speaker 2 (10:06):
No, they're beige flags. Yeah, and it's just one of
those things. Everybody's got them. Everybody's got them. All right,
what are my beige flags? I was going to say,
is it wearing my red light mask? No.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Well, I wouldn't... I don't know. I never put them
in that kind of category. A beige flag, a weird thing,
a quirky thing. Some of it's just cultural. Some of
it's your background. I never... I mean, things you do.
I don't know if there's some quirky thing. You play
Candy Crush.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Okay. So? I like to play Super Mario Brothers. We
have a game machine at that. I don't know. It's different.
It's quirky. I never... Say, ooh, I better watch out
because I don't like that.
Speaker 2 (10:47):
It's just a quirky, unusual behavior.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
But you said it means it needs to be put
through some kind of, you have to give it some
kind of scrutiny.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
It stands out and then you have to decide, wait,
is this gonna bother me enough where I'm gonna judge
this person by that behavior or stop a relationship because
of that behavior? And so, yes, I do like the
idea that this whole concept is being talked about and
being described because it should be an opportunity for us
to actually take a step back and say, yeah, we're
(11:17):
all unique human beings who have quirks. And this is
the big thing. I thought this was so interesting. Relationship
experts say, Think about how you regard someone's quirkiness, someone's
unusual behaviors, or someone who does something that you don't
understand or that you've never seen before. It tells us
less about the person we're observing and it tells us
(11:38):
more about our reaction to them. And so this should
be a signal to actually reflect about why you're feeling
the way we're feeling. So when we come back, we're
gonna tell you how you should treat, according to the experts,
beige flags in your relationship and how you can turn
those beige flags into into green flags. Welcome back, everyone,
(12:07):
to another edition of our Relationship Saturday. These are fun.
We like having these conversations because you learn something, and
I think it's actually just fun to have these conversations
with the person you're dating or even just thinking about it,
reflecting on some of these topics as you're looking for
your person.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
I have a question. Can a beige flag, are we
looking at these things because we actually have a problem
with that person? We're questioning the relationship, not necessarily some
quirky behavior. Is that a part of this at all?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
So relationship experts are saying that because of the way
we are dating now and the way we are in relationships,
I think with social media and all sorts of these
chat rooms and forums, Reddit. You can kind of crowdsource,
what should I think about this? And no one's actually
just doing some self-reflection and actually asking themselves, why does
this stand out to me? Why is this bothering me?
(13:00):
Or why is this sparking something in me? And so
they said, just remember, dating is not supposed to be,
or it's not supposed to feel like a background check.
And it's become so focused on categorizing people. We label everyone,
we vet people. And we start to treat every single
quirk or maybe you even could call it a human
imperfection as evidence that, oh, they're not compatible with me.
(13:24):
And it's almost like we're looking for an excuse to
get out of a relationship or to not even get
into one because it's scary and we have to be
vulnerable and we have to compromise and we have to
expand our heads and our hearts. And that is uncomfortable sometimes.
And so instead of being willing to do that, we
just say, oh, see, that means we're not compatible. Because
(13:45):
I would never do that. And that's so weird that
he or she is doing that. So I'm out or
I won't even start. And that is the caution here.
It makes sense. So they say a better question instead
of asking, like, why does he do that? Or why
is she behaving like that? You should actually ask yourself.
how does this person consistently make me feel? Do I
(14:06):
feel safe? Do I feel seen? Do I feel valued?
That tells you way more about that person than whether
or not they have some weird collection of spoons in
their house, whatever it is that people do. People collect
strange things. I've had a friend who was dating a
guy who she was really kind of into. He brought
her over to her apartment, I'll tell you who it
(14:26):
is afterwards. And she saw he had, if this person's listening,
they will know who they are. He had like a,
and he was well off and had a great job,
but a wild collection of like race, like hot, hot cars.
What are they called? Hot wheels. And he had them
like all over his apartment and like had them encased.
And she was like, yeah, this is just too weird
(14:47):
for me.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I'm out.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Wow. She thought it made, it made him seem juvenile.
It made him seem like a little boy, and she
just was immediately turned off. Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Take the cars out of it. Did he act like
a little boy?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
No. She didn't like that he was a weird collector
of Hot Wheels. No, no, no.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
He was a normal guy who collected Hot Wheels. I
look at that as, wow, he has a passion that
even in his older years, he's still holding on to
those think robes. I say that about you all the time.
It's one of the best things about you is you
still act like a little kid at times and get
excited about things. You will see joy. And adults like that,
(15:23):
acting like kids, that's too bad. The Hot Wheels guy.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
I don't know. But I mean, maybe there were other
things and that was just the final straw. But when
she tells the story, it's funny. But yes, people love
telling the story of why they couldn't date someone or
why they got out of a relationship. But this is
the headline. And this is how therapists say, you start
to turn beige, first acknowledge their beige flags. They're not
affecting you. They don't mean this person's bad or undateable
(15:55):
or incompatible with you. It's just different than you. And
so Real relationships, remember, are built not by finding someone
who doesn't have strange habits. Every single person on the
planet has a strange habit to someone else. It might
not feel strange to you, but it's strange to everyone else.
And beige flags are actually What makes someone uniquely them?
(16:19):
And so if you can start to look at this person,
so I see the fact that you've got He-Man on
or Die Hard on, and instead of going, that's so weird. Like,
what is that? You could say, wow, that's so sweet
that he's connected to this part of his youth that
brings him a feeling of safety and comfort. And that's
super sweet. Like, I love that about him. That's unique
(16:40):
to him. And it's part of the reason why I
love him because it's a completer, fuller version of him
and some of his vulnerabilities. I think that's actually, and
if you can actually look at it from that vantage point,
and I think you've said that about some of my quirks,
like to, to, I hope I still keep thinking all
the little things you do are cute because, but if
(17:01):
that's how you can look at through that, like that
is what makes that person unique.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Yeah. It's, I mean, I guess robe, some people find
out about these flags later. And is that the, no,
you're talking about some people finding these early on while
they're dating.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
And maybe when, maybe when you move in with someone,
you see, wow, they do their squats while they're brushing
their teeth. That's weird. But instead of saying that, they
say some of those things that seem strange or maybe
even mildly annoying at first, if you can actually view
them through the lens of, yes, this is what makes
them special, they say eventually those are the very things
20 years down the road that you actually might find
(17:39):
most endearing about them. I love that. And sometimes so
much of relationships and so much of the world is
how we choose to see them. And we can change
how we view things. We can decide. to see them
through a different lens instead of one of annoyance. Think
about it like, wow, that's so cute or that's so
(17:59):
sweet or that's so special and no one else in
the world does that but them.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
It's hard to do when you're first meeting somebody, right?
It just is. You could pull out any weird habit
now and I'm like, oh, that's my girl. But when
you get to know somebody over time and you care
about that person over time and you know that person
is going to be in your life, then when things
start to show up, They're not deal breakers because you
have a foundation that you've established that this is a
(18:25):
good person and I care about them and we hit
it off. But yeah, at the beginning, these are just excuses.
You always say, babe, nobody wants to, you're always trying
to protect yourself. You don't want to get hurt. So
let me bail and use this as an excuse before
that person finds out about my weird shit and dump me.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Exactly. And look, I love this final line. One of
the relationship experts said this, it's important to remember that
You are never going to love every single thing about
your partner. Period. And just accept that. And then lean
into the quirks.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
What was the rule? It was the 80-20 rule or
something for a little while. Like you can, they got 80%
of what you love and 20% of what you hate. Congratulations.
Marry that person. I love that.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
So let your beige flag fly, everyone. And with that,
we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach
alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.
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