November 21, 2025 • 12 mins
On this episode of “Tommy Talk,” Tommy explores forgiveness—one of the hardest, yet most freeing, gifts you can give yourself. It’s a journey, and it rarely happens overnight. But by sharing some of my own experiences and the tools that have helped me along the way, I hope you’ll feel a little closer to finding that peace for yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing what happened. Instead, it’s about releasing the grip of pain, anger, and resentment. This episode is for anyone ready to set down emotional weight and move forward in life feeling just a little lighter.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. And today's topic is
it's a powerful one. It's all about the healing power
of forgiveness. Forgiveness might be one of the most difficult
things in our lives to do because it's hard to
move on from something that has so badly hurt us.
(00:23):
And I understand that, and it's taken me time to
forgive people in my life. For sure. I'm not somebody
that's gonna sit here and say, oh, I can forgive
so easily. It can take time, and that's okay. It's
a journey, right, But the ability to forgive is so
important because it's not just for the other person. It's
(00:45):
for you. And there's a lot of a lot of
health benefits to forgiveness and a lot of scary things
that can come your way if you don't forgive. And
let me clarify by saying, forgiveness doesn't mean that you
need to become best friends with the person that you're
forgiving and totally forget about everything that they did to
(01:07):
you that hurt you, because that's not realistic. You're not
going to forget, You're never gonna forget. You're going to
always remember what somebody did to tremendously hurt you. But
what forgiveness means is you're able to move on from
it in a way that doesn't make you harbor anger
or resentment or rage or stress or anxiety, because those
(01:29):
are things that eat at you. So it allows you
to kind of compartimentalize, so you can say I don't
feel those things for you anymore, which is a very
freeing thing. But it doesn't mean I need to have
you in my life or have you in my orbit.
It just means that I genuinely feel like I have
put a lock on that chapter of my life and
(01:50):
I no longer need to be feeling the things that
make me feel so badly based off what you did
to me, you know, X, Y or Z time ago.
So there's some real science behind forgiveness on how it
impacts the body and the brain and your mental health.
You know, it reduces stress, it lowers blood pressure, it
improves mood. And there's a new Harvard lead study that
(02:13):
came out and it builds on earlier research that teases
out the effects of the most human of actions, aka forgiveness,
and it shows that forgiveness boosts our mental well being
by reducing anxiety and depression, and the result adds to
the other recent evidence that can ease stress, improve sleep,
(02:36):
lower bread blood pressure, and heart rates. And what forgiveness is,
according to Harvard the Harvard Medical Journal, it's not excusing, explaining,
or exonerating, but saying you forgive is easy, but it
doesn't change the feelings inside. So we can be sad
for what we experienced and angry about what happened, but
above all, a state of forgiveness is accepting that what
(02:56):
happened is over. Wow, that's powerful. Let me say that
last sentence again. A state of forgiveness is accepting that
what happened is over. And that's Tyler Vanderweel, co author
of the new Harvard study and the co director of
the Initiative on Health, Spirituality and Religion. So, Man, I
(03:19):
think when you think about it that way, that's a
really powerful thing. It doesn't mean you have to reconcile
a relationship, right, It just means you're releasing that grip
of anger and resentment and pain, which is only something
that's going to help you. And this Harvard study, I think,
just shows how important it is for our well being
and our health to be able to come to a
(03:41):
place where we can do that. So there are people
in my life who have hurt me very badly over
the years, and in certain moments it's become very hard
to want to forgive them. But then working through those
feelings that sometimes certain people who have hurt me don't
(04:04):
know better, and they've done the best they can in
their own lives, and it's what they know. And I
think framing it in that perspective has been one tool
for me that has allowed me to let go of
any sort of anger or resentment I have felt over
my life towards various people. It's not always easy to do,
and it's definitely a work in progress, right, but I
think starting to flip the script and realizing that sometimes
(04:27):
it's the best somebody can do. They don't have the
tools to do better, they are not equipped to do better.
This is what they know, this is what they were given,
this is what they are. It can help you manage
those feelings of anger and resentments and sadness a little
bit better. And there are some tools I think that
can definitely help you get there on your forgiveness journey.
(04:49):
No matter who the person is that you're trying to forgive.
I think that therapy is really good. Therapy is really
really good. Like I am a dude, and I am
talking about therapy, and a lot of dudes don't talk
about therapy, but here we are. Therapy can tremendously help
you work through your feelings you have towards somebody so
you can start letting go of those heavy, hard feelings
(05:12):
and moving on and moving on. So I think having
a therapist that you trust and that you listen to
and that helps you navigate those feelings is invaluable to
help you be able to forgive. I think journaling is
really great to help you get your feelings out on paper,
and sometimes just saying it or working through it is
(05:32):
a really big way for you to be able to
do that. Meditating, yoga, prayer, these are all self care
practices that help give you clarity in what you're feeling
and what you want to work through, and I think
all of that is tremendously valuable. And being able to
forgive as well. And I think that just being able
(05:54):
to look at something that once hurt you at a
time in your life where you were maybe a different
person or in a different space and realizing that, you
know what, what I went through sucked. It absolutely sucked,
and I wish I didn't have to go through that.
But at the same time, going through that taught me
(06:15):
a lesson. And maybe you don't know what that lesson
is right now in this moment, but I promise you you're
going to figure out that lesson one day. And I
trust in whatever's out there in this universe or above us,
that there is a reason why sometimes we do go
through these things, and it teaches us something about ourselves
(06:36):
and maybe makes us a stronger human being. So I
like to say that if something hurt you way back
when you were a different person than than you are now,
and yeah, you can be hurt from it, but don't
let that hold on to you forever. Don't let that
hold on to you forever. I have friends who have
(06:57):
gone through awful breakups and in this day and age,
in this moment of time, will say it's the worst
thing ever, right, and they want to put this person
in a category of I will never forgive them, And
then you fast forward to five years from now and
it's like, oh, yeah, that sucked. That was a really
(07:18):
shitty thing I went through, But more all good, Like
I wish them well. And what a beautiful, freeing thing
that is to wish somebody well even though they hurt you,
because that's only a reflection of you and what you
can attract in your life and the energy you're putting
into yourself. And like I said earlier, like Harvard said
that the health aspects of being able to do that
(07:39):
are so tremendous. It's like a weight has been lifted
off of you. There's a reason why that expression exists.
It's true. A weight lifting off of you is so
important because it helps you stay healthy and like your
best self. So I think that forgiveness is a journey, right,
and you can't beat yourself up over it. Just because
(08:00):
some people say, you know, you need to forgive somebody
today and you're not quite there, doesn't mean you have
to be there in this moment. It just means you
want to work towards it, and you will get there.
You will get there if you want to get there.
There are people who want to hold on to the
anger and resentment for their whole lives, and that is
a choice that they are making, and it's not a
(08:20):
great choice in my opinion, because it's only affecting you
and not the other person that you're mad at. So
all of the anger for what someone did to you
is actually still hurting you in this day and age
because you're harboring those feelings, So you're kind of letting
that person hurt you twice, if you think about it
that way. So you have to try as best as
you can to work through those emotions and those feelings,
(08:42):
and the only way to do that is by confronting them.
And you might not ever get an apology, by the way,
from somebody that you want an apology from. So half
the battle and forgiveness is feeling like somebody is sorry,
and that makes it easier, but you really might not
ever get that. So that's why it's it's so important
to work through the feelings on your own of what
you do and don't need, so that independent of what
(09:06):
that person does or doesn't do, you can try to
move on. So I think that's a really crucial thing.
And sometimes not having that sorry can actually make it
easier to forgive somebody because you realize they're incapable of that,
and it doesn't mean you give them a free pass.
I don't want people like that in my life and
(09:27):
people like that aren't in my life. They're not, but
it means that you're not angry about it anymore. You
kind of just become like indifferent to the person. It's
like a you know, there they are, like I don't
I don't really care what they're up to. It's it's fine,
it is what it is. And that's kind of a feeling.
I like, the feeling of indifference is so much better
(09:49):
than a feeling of anger or resentment. And I think
there's probably people listening who have that feeling towards friends.
They're like, oh, yeah, I totally feel that one hundred percent.
So the bottom line is it's not easy to forgive,
but trust me when I tell you it is so
incredibly healing. So I am not sitting here on a
pedestal saying I am the guru of forgiveness, because I've
(10:09):
gone through my own journeys of holding onto things. But
what I will say for sure is I am in
a place in my life where I want to be
somebody who can forgive because it's the healthiest thing for me,
for my mental health, for my body, for every area
of who I am. And life is too short to
(10:30):
hold onto those feelings that cause us such pain. So
forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean you're complacent.
Forgiveness does not mean you're giving a free pass. Forgiveness
just means you're able to let go of the awful
feelings you're feeling so that you can move forward with
your life. And I'm going to say that quote one
more time that I said earlier, which I think is
(10:52):
so important, which is above all, a state of forgiveness
is accepting that what happened is is over. So on
that note, I wish all of us, including myself, an
amazing journey of forgiveness for anyone in our lives that
we need to forgive and remember to be gentle with yourself,
(11:13):
because it sure is a journey. I've Never Said This
Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is
executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,
with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before
is part of the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts.
(11:37):
For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And
if you liked this episode, tell your friends, Until next time,
I'm Tommy de Dario
Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. And today's topic is
it's a powerful one. It's all about the healing power
of forgiveness. Forgiveness might be one of the most difficult
things in our lives to do because it's hard to
move on from something that has so badly hurt us.
(00:23):
And I understand that, and it's taken me time to
forgive people in my life. For sure. I'm not somebody
that's gonna sit here and say, oh, I can forgive
so easily. It can take time, and that's okay. It's
a journey, right, But the ability to forgive is so
important because it's not just for the other person. It's
(00:45):
for you. And there's a lot of a lot of
health benefits to forgiveness and a lot of scary things
that can come your way if you don't forgive. And
let me clarify by saying, forgiveness doesn't mean that you
need to become best friends with the person that you're
forgiving and totally forget about everything that they did to
(01:07):
you that hurt you, because that's not realistic. You're not
going to forget, You're never gonna forget. You're going to
always remember what somebody did to tremendously hurt you. But
what forgiveness means is you're able to move on from
it in a way that doesn't make you harbor anger
or resentment or rage or stress or anxiety, because those
(01:29):
are things that eat at you. So it allows you
to kind of compartimentalize, so you can say I don't
feel those things for you anymore, which is a very
freeing thing. But it doesn't mean I need to have
you in my life or have you in my orbit.
It just means that I genuinely feel like I have
put a lock on that chapter of my life and
(01:50):
I no longer need to be feeling the things that
make me feel so badly based off what you did
to me, you know, X, Y or Z time ago.
So there's some real science behind forgiveness on how it
impacts the body and the brain and your mental health.
You know, it reduces stress, it lowers blood pressure, it
improves mood. And there's a new Harvard lead study that
(02:13):
came out and it builds on earlier research that teases
out the effects of the most human of actions, aka forgiveness,
and it shows that forgiveness boosts our mental well being
by reducing anxiety and depression, and the result adds to
the other recent evidence that can ease stress, improve sleep,
(02:36):
lower bread blood pressure, and heart rates. And what forgiveness is,
according to Harvard the Harvard Medical Journal, it's not excusing, explaining,
or exonerating, but saying you forgive is easy, but it
doesn't change the feelings inside. So we can be sad
for what we experienced and angry about what happened, but
above all, a state of forgiveness is accepting that what
(02:56):
happened is over. Wow, that's powerful. Let me say that
last sentence again. A state of forgiveness is accepting that
what happened is over. And that's Tyler Vanderweel, co author
of the new Harvard study and the co director of
the Initiative on Health, Spirituality and Religion. So, Man, I
(03:19):
think when you think about it that way, that's a
really powerful thing. It doesn't mean you have to reconcile
a relationship, right, It just means you're releasing that grip
of anger and resentment and pain, which is only something
that's going to help you. And this Harvard study, I think,
just shows how important it is for our well being
and our health to be able to come to a
(03:41):
place where we can do that. So there are people
in my life who have hurt me very badly over
the years, and in certain moments it's become very hard
to want to forgive them. But then working through those
feelings that sometimes certain people who have hurt me don't
(04:04):
know better, and they've done the best they can in
their own lives, and it's what they know. And I
think framing it in that perspective has been one tool
for me that has allowed me to let go of
any sort of anger or resentment I have felt over
my life towards various people. It's not always easy to do,
and it's definitely a work in progress, right, but I
think starting to flip the script and realizing that sometimes
(04:27):
it's the best somebody can do. They don't have the
tools to do better, they are not equipped to do better.
This is what they know, this is what they were given,
this is what they are. It can help you manage
those feelings of anger and resentments and sadness a little
bit better. And there are some tools I think that
can definitely help you get there on your forgiveness journey.
(04:49):
No matter who the person is that you're trying to forgive.
I think that therapy is really good. Therapy is really
really good. Like I am a dude, and I am
talking about therapy, and a lot of dudes don't talk
about therapy, but here we are. Therapy can tremendously help
you work through your feelings you have towards somebody so
you can start letting go of those heavy, hard feelings
(05:12):
and moving on and moving on. So I think having
a therapist that you trust and that you listen to
and that helps you navigate those feelings is invaluable to
help you be able to forgive. I think journaling is
really great to help you get your feelings out on paper,
and sometimes just saying it or working through it is
(05:32):
a really big way for you to be able to
do that. Meditating, yoga, prayer, these are all self care
practices that help give you clarity in what you're feeling
and what you want to work through, and I think
all of that is tremendously valuable. And being able to
forgive as well. And I think that just being able
(05:54):
to look at something that once hurt you at a
time in your life where you were maybe a different
person or in a different space and realizing that, you
know what, what I went through sucked. It absolutely sucked,
and I wish I didn't have to go through that.
But at the same time, going through that taught me
(06:15):
a lesson. And maybe you don't know what that lesson
is right now in this moment, but I promise you you're
going to figure out that lesson one day. And I
trust in whatever's out there in this universe or above us,
that there is a reason why sometimes we do go
through these things, and it teaches us something about ourselves
(06:36):
and maybe makes us a stronger human being. So I
like to say that if something hurt you way back
when you were a different person than than you are now,
and yeah, you can be hurt from it, but don't
let that hold on to you forever. Don't let that
hold on to you forever. I have friends who have
(06:57):
gone through awful breakups and in this day and age,
in this moment of time, will say it's the worst
thing ever, right, and they want to put this person
in a category of I will never forgive them, And
then you fast forward to five years from now and
it's like, oh, yeah, that sucked. That was a really
(07:18):
shitty thing I went through, But more all good, Like
I wish them well. And what a beautiful, freeing thing
that is to wish somebody well even though they hurt you,
because that's only a reflection of you and what you
can attract in your life and the energy you're putting
into yourself. And like I said earlier, like Harvard said
that the health aspects of being able to do that
(07:39):
are so tremendous. It's like a weight has been lifted
off of you. There's a reason why that expression exists.
It's true. A weight lifting off of you is so
important because it helps you stay healthy and like your
best self. So I think that forgiveness is a journey, right,
and you can't beat yourself up over it. Just because
(08:00):
some people say, you know, you need to forgive somebody
today and you're not quite there, doesn't mean you have
to be there in this moment. It just means you
want to work towards it, and you will get there.
You will get there if you want to get there.
There are people who want to hold on to the
anger and resentment for their whole lives, and that is
a choice that they are making, and it's not a
(08:20):
great choice in my opinion, because it's only affecting you
and not the other person that you're mad at. So
all of the anger for what someone did to you
is actually still hurting you in this day and age
because you're harboring those feelings, So you're kind of letting
that person hurt you twice, if you think about it
that way. So you have to try as best as
you can to work through those emotions and those feelings,
(08:42):
and the only way to do that is by confronting them.
And you might not ever get an apology, by the way,
from somebody that you want an apology from. So half
the battle and forgiveness is feeling like somebody is sorry,
and that makes it easier, but you really might not
ever get that. So that's why it's it's so important
to work through the feelings on your own of what
you do and don't need, so that independent of what
(09:06):
that person does or doesn't do, you can try to
move on. So I think that's a really crucial thing.
And sometimes not having that sorry can actually make it
easier to forgive somebody because you realize they're incapable of that,
and it doesn't mean you give them a free pass.
I don't want people like that in my life and
(09:27):
people like that aren't in my life. They're not, but
it means that you're not angry about it anymore. You
kind of just become like indifferent to the person. It's
like a you know, there they are, like I don't
I don't really care what they're up to. It's it's fine,
it is what it is. And that's kind of a feeling.
I like, the feeling of indifference is so much better
(09:49):
than a feeling of anger or resentment. And I think
there's probably people listening who have that feeling towards friends.
They're like, oh, yeah, I totally feel that one hundred percent.
So the bottom line is it's not easy to forgive,
but trust me when I tell you it is so
incredibly healing. So I am not sitting here on a
pedestal saying I am the guru of forgiveness, because I've
(10:09):
gone through my own journeys of holding onto things. But
what I will say for sure is I am in
a place in my life where I want to be
somebody who can forgive because it's the healthiest thing for me,
for my mental health, for my body, for every area
of who I am. And life is too short to
(10:30):
hold onto those feelings that cause us such pain. So
forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean you're complacent.
Forgiveness does not mean you're giving a free pass. Forgiveness
just means you're able to let go of the awful
feelings you're feeling so that you can move forward with
your life. And I'm going to say that quote one
more time that I said earlier, which I think is
(10:52):
so important, which is above all, a state of forgiveness
is accepting that what happened is is over. So on
that note, I wish all of us, including myself, an
amazing journey of forgiveness for anyone in our lives that
we need to forgive and remember to be gentle with yourself,
(11:13):
because it sure is a journey. I've Never Said This
Before is hosted by Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is
executive produced by Andrew Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy,
with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before
is part of the Elvis Duran podcast network on iHeart Podcasts.
(11:37):
For more, rate review and subscribe to our show. And
if you liked this episode, tell your friends, Until next time,
I'm Tommy de Dario
Host
Tommy DiDario
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