April 16, 2026 • 18 mins
Therapy takeaways: rest before responding, keeping your power, and battling perfection. 🙏
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Murphy Salmon Chodi after the show podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
It's group therapy Thursday, Let's get better together. Great therapy
where you tell us and share with us something you've learned,
like a takeaway. And you know what, maybe you've never
been in therapy. And if you haven't, though you've picked
up mental health. You know goods along the way in life.
We all do and sometimes some one thing will stick
(00:25):
out and stick with you. It just happens that way,
and it's sometimes what you needed to hear, right. So
from our Facebook and Instagram pages, Stacy sent this the
most transformative advice from therapy show yourself the grace you
so willingly extend to others.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
That's a big one and I've heard that one too.
God is so true because sometimes we forget.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
To do that.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Taylor has told me that our oldest saughter, Taylor, who
is studying to be a mental health counselor, she's told
me that before. It's like, why are you saying that
to yourself? Would you say that to a friend? To
you with this sort of issue, It's like, oh No,
speak to yourself like you would a best friend.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Many of the stresses and issues come from your own
internal self talk.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
Oh my gosh, so so much.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So I'll read that again for anybody that's from Stacy,
show yourself the same grace you so willingly extend to others.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
That's a good one.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Stacy.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Crystal sent this what she learned from therapy, like a
takeaway that stays with her, responding instead of reacting, taking
a breath before responding, and absolutely forgiving myself so that
I can forgive others. So that's a dual thing to
respond instead of react.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Man, we're two for two here. Both of these are
ringing my bell.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
I have had to learn and I'm still learning it.
I'm definitely in it right now in life, trying to
just let things be before responding.
Speaker 5 (01:56):
Yes, yes, my one takeaway I was gonna say that
My one takeaway is similar. Is the same thing, pause
before reacting.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Yeah, I may just before reacting to others, to yourself
to others. You should do it for both.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Yeah, I know, I know. Pause.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
I mean, honestly, it really is one of as we
forget to because it's the same thing. It's a negative
self talk thing, that pause before responding to others. Obviously, yes,
because you sometimes can't undo whatever words come out. But
that same impact, if it's directed it you internally, is
just as destructive.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
So yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Think one of the reasons, and maybe you feel this
way too, Sam, since that one speaks to you. One
of the reasons I've had a tendency to respond quickly
and to if I place that person or the relationship
in high regard, if it's family and that person is
very important to me, well, of course I'm gonna call
right away there's something to talk about, or of course
(02:52):
we're going to discuss it now, when I should let
let whatever's going on settle in.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
You know, I had that experience this week.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I picked up the phone and made a call when
I should have waited an hour thirty minutes to talk
about something.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
And yeah, it's the it's true. Yeah, it's so true.
It's the And don't confuse the word quick and emotional.
It's really about pausing for the emotional response. If your
quickness is being driven by an emotional reaction, that should
be your mental trigger to stop. Easier said than done.
But once you start to create the habit of doing
it and they actually do, say, that's where meditation starts
(03:31):
to work. If you do it repeatedly, ten minutes a day,
over and over and over, whether it's a guided one,
using an app or whatever, that eventually you start to
because you're focusing on the present, you start to create
the gaps in your mind because when you're.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
That'll help you not might react too quickly to something
or too emotionably.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Why, because you're in the present. Once you are in
an emotional state, you're not in the present anymore. You're
either worried about the future or you're limiting something from
the past or whatever. You're not and the because the
only thing you actually can control is in the present anyway. Right, So,
but you know, it's again easier said than done. But
that's why they say, you know it's it's it's a
(04:09):
practice thing. At least for me personally, I've seen the
benefit in that because I slow down a lot more
now I know the pang that comes to me from
you know, an emotional reaction, and that's directly come from meditation.
Because you're sitting with yourself and feelings and thoughts and
you are acknowledging them. You let them go. You're not
trying to control them, you're not trying to react to them.
(04:30):
You're not trying to do anything other than acknowledge them.
And once you do that, and you know you start
to practice that, that can that can be really helpful.
And it's it works really for both ways. For your
own internal self talk, so that you don't immediately go
from an emotion to oh my god, I'm the worst,
or the way that you would vocalize it to something.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
So you've heard inside my head.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I mean, it's just such a big it's one of
the biggest It's one of the biggest things that I
have learned. But you know, you haven't really done a
ton of of counseling over the years. Not that there's
anything wrong with that. Is that your biggest takeaway though,
what you're talking about right now with the no I would.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
Share my takeaway yet.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Okay, I want to go back to this sam with you.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Yeah, I mean I tell you about my childhood.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
No.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
I want to ask regarding the pausing.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
Yeah, it was told to me in therapy. But what's
really funny about this is Murphy in the corporate world
has also it has played into the same thing because
like I'll get an email or somebody will tell me
something and I'll instantly want to like, and it's like,
(05:41):
you don't know the whole story yet, there's a reason
that person said that, or there's something more whatever, figure
you know, figure it out first, and then you can
have your reaction.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So it was told to you in therapy regarding personal stuff,
but you're saying you've also experienced it in Murphy.
Speaker 5 (05:57):
Well, well Murphy corporately, yes, but it also relates to
the personal personal story because there are things in my
personal life where you instantly want to.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
Go boom and explose, this is what's going on.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
I've had anger issues. So it's like, wait, you got
to find the whole story. Maybe there's a reason for this,
figure it out. What's the other person thinking.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Right, yeah, YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
The reason it's so so tricky, I think in the
personal world, with family, with loved ones, with relationships is
because there's so much baggage there. You know one word,
you know the word, you always do this or this
always happens something, some little statement like that means one
(06:41):
thousand pounds more than just the statement because of the baggage,
because of the problems, because of someone's.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Perception, because of the history.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
The history, right and so it's a very very tricky thing.
I had a friend of mine who is a counselor
tell me one time when she has a couple come
to her, she knows, you know, it's so much more
than the words they're saying. They're bringing in a big
bag of stuff that you can't see. But they're both
bringing in a big bag of stuff. Yeah, and so
(07:11):
even when they start to say something to each other
back and forth, that would be lighter if you had
just met. It has weight when you when you have
history and baggage. And that is so true as if
you have a if you're in a family, if you
are in relationships.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
You know that's true.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
So is that when your biggest takeaway sam from from
the council is Jodie's asking the one thing would you
say pausing to the one.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I don't think it's the biggest. I can't think of
the biggest right now.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
That's okay.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
When this when we started talking about this, it's like,
that's the first thing that jumped into my head. Because
you can ask my kids. I was always a fast responder.
I mean it's like, whoa, you don't you don't know
the whole situation. Why did you hit that person or what?
Speaker 4 (07:56):
Right?
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Figure it out and then you know.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
And also too, it helps for the anger because time
is passing, and even once you have, even if it
is your kid's fault or whoever the person is, you
want to attack in the first place, because time goes by,
you're likely to temper your reaction instead of just kaboom
exploding right off the back.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Well, that's why they say sleep on it.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Yeah, I don't always sleep on things, but yes.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Yeah, yeah, it's we're emotional creatures. It's tough to do that,
but that will be the single biggest beneficial thing for
your own stress, your own personal physical health and everything,
your mental health and all of it. Yeah, so what
about more, Jody, I'm sure.
Speaker 4 (08:38):
I was gonna say.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yeah, the more in you are, the more you love someone,
the strong more important than relationship. Worse that kaboom feels
or the worse your reaction can feel.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Well. Emotions also tend to personalize everything, and we make
the grave mistake of thinking that we are the center
of our own universe. And when we do that, you know, unintentionally,
And when I say that, it's it. It's because especially
when you're if you're feeling like you are being attacked,
or if you feel that anything that you attached the
emotional bag like you were talking about Jody too, put
(09:11):
you on the defensive. And once you stay in that
emotional mode, you're not going to be responding correctly to
the person that you're talking to, or to you know,
or to you to yourself personally.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
Yeah, okay, now now that you asked me that and
you said that, Murphy, it reminded me of one of
the other ones, and this one was a big one
when I was in relationships. It's focused on the issue
at hand.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Oh nice, because oh wow, couples.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Especially when you start arguing, Just like you said, all
the bag, it comes back years of stuff. If we're
talking about something you did yesterday at dinner, stick to that.
Don't bring up yeah, well when your mom came over
three weeks and then.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
It goes back and back five years ago.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're talking about this right now. In
my relationships and my breaking up of marriages, there have
been conversations and I have for those even way back then.
I learned to try to steer it back to hey,
we're talking about this right now, So we can do
that later, but let's fix.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
This right now.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Nice. Yeah, I know it's my fault.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Let's fix this right now.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
It's hard work.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
I feel like we're always on the you know, our
whole lives.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
We're going to work on ourselves.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
You know, you get this life, you live it, and
you are the trickiest thing that there is, and managing
you and your emotions and your mental health is the
trickiest thing in the world. That's why I'm so glad
that mental health is just so on the forefront today
and we're all willing to talk about it. That's why
we're going to do group therapy Thursdays on Thursdays, either
in this podcast or in the show, in all the ways,
(10:49):
because we cannot stop working on ourselves. Yeah, we just can't.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
So what is the one thing that you ever picked up?
Speaker 4 (10:56):
I think you know this story.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
I only ever went to account twice in my life
after my father died when I was a teenager and
I was forced to go there.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
My family was.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Like, you've got to talk to somebody, and I didn't
go for very long. And then later in my life, Murphy,
we were married. You you know about there was someone
that came into my life, into the family that made
me uncomfortable, and it was like this whole hey, I'm
here now, I'm in your life. And I was struggling
with it, and I was struggling with how to be
(11:28):
around this person. I was struggling with myself. And I
remember being in the room and I told her that
she was great, she was a great counselor. I said,
I don't really want to be here, but I'm going
to do what you tell me to do. And she
was wonderful, and she sent me home like the first
(11:48):
day with some well early on, with some homework. You know, how,
what are you going to do about this person taking
your power from you? Because you're letting this person take
your power from you. You don't know who you are
when this person is around.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
Why is that?
Speaker 2 (12:04):
And just that assignment, I was like whoah. And so
I came back to her the next and she was
ready to hear. She opened up her folder and I said,
here's what I have for you. I'm not going to
let anybody take my power from me, no matter who's
in the room. And so that was my takeaway, but
that was very specific to my situation. I don't know
(12:24):
if this, if that little nugget does anything for anybody here,
but if you do, if you do feel lesser around someone,
or if you do feel confused about your identity or
whoever you are around certain people, work on keeping your
own power, you know, not letting people take your power
(12:45):
at work and your personal life.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Yeah, I think that's very relevant. It's a what you're
really talking about is boundary setting and you allow you
allow somebody to cross your boundaries without excuse me, without
them even knowing it. Right in this case, I know,
this was a bit of it. This was a without
going into too much detail, it was an identity challenge.
It was somebody who was coming into the family, who
(13:07):
was kind of establishing themselves as already being part of
the family, which made a lot of people feel awkward.
And you know, and I think that you handled that part,
you know, very well. So you know that applies, I
think to any part of our lives when we allow
somebody else's actions upon us to take such a toll
(13:28):
on us that we then no longer or focus and
realize we're not because we become we become reactive at
that point. That really it's like it's like the blame
game without realizing you're putting the blame. When you're letting
somebody victimize you, for lack of a better term, at
some point it becomes you allowing that you painting those pictures,
(13:48):
you creating that narrative. In some cases, I'm not talking
about abuse and that kind of stuff. I'm talking about,
you know, being inside of our own heads on things
and you know, feeling what's the word obsessing, Maybe allowing
something to take so much of your attention, time and
(14:09):
energy away from right exactly that when you refocus back
on yourself, it's a healthy thing.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Look, that those work I needed to do.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
It was information that I needed and I got a
lot out of it. But that was my I remember
that day thinking this is not just beneficial for this situation,
this is beneficial for my life.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
Two, why are you letting this person take your pos you.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Know, I mean being married to you and as long
as we've been together, I've watched that over the years.
Because you're a kind, caring person and you have such
great empathy for other people, sometimes you will let that
draw you into whatever it is they're feeling, acting or
whatever at the moment, and you've created better boundaries over
the years of being you know who you are, and
(14:55):
it doesn't come from a bad place. It comes from
a good place. But you know, I think anybody who's
really and cares about others, it's easy to get to
that trap or all of a sudden you care so
much you get for them, or you're right that you can't.
You got to save yourself before you can save somebody else.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
You know, Yes, yes, I don't know why you had
an amen over there for that, Sam, no reason.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
I'm gonna pause before I react.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Okay, great Murphy, your big takeaway from therapy?
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I mean, I look, I stay in it. I may.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
I'm making assumptions. I think I'm the only one in
the room that still keeps regular appointments and have NonStop
now for eleven years. And the biggest one for me,
actually it was with a different counselor from a long
time ago, Jodie and you remember this one, and it
just stood out to me. And she wrote this on
a card. She said, remember ninety five is an A
(15:47):
And what she meant by that is that when you're
a perfectionist, you're always shooting for one hundred percent and
that in school, which I think it's a fantastic analogy
in ninety four and ninety five. Whatever it is is
an a why do you need to do better than that?
That you will put so much time, effort, and attention
into that last six percent that you're literally wasting your
(16:08):
time you've already achieved an A why you know, why
keep pushing past that? And you know, perfectionism, which is
something that I mean, I probably will be for the
rest of my life. It's it's what drives me. It's
a slippery slope because I also embrace it in me.
It's what keeps me going. It's I mean, I think
you'll know that we've worked together for so long. You
(16:28):
know that I'm not really satisfied with the status quo
on anything. To me, by the something, By the time
something becomes status quo, it's time to change it because
you're going to get left behind if you don't make
a change. And most people are fine with status quo.
It's just human nature. We've fallen into a task list
and and and the world is not you know, uh,
I don't know that we're actually always taught to be thinking.
(16:52):
You know that way we all get to a place
of complacency. So I never wanted a knee jerk in
either direction. But you know, I have to remember that
in ninety four is you know, is an A and
and the other you know, the other thing is.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
You still say that to yourself sometimes.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Yeah, I'll remind myself of that. But even making decisions,
I mean, there are all sorts of there are management
books on this sort of thing too, where there are
people that will say, once you've got seventy five percent
of the information makes me, you need to make the decision.
Because what what hurts businesses and beyond more than anything else,
is in decision. The more time that you don't take
(17:28):
an action, somebody else is going to take an action
before you do, you know or something. And so if
you're waiting for all of the information, you're not going
to make the decision. And so it plays into the
same thing. But I have to really consciously remind myself
of that good.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
And you know, in some schools in nineties an A yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Right, can it even relax? Right?
Speaker 4 (17:50):
No kidding, it's group there, Bey Thursday.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
Keep it coming on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube and TikTok.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
You know, we love hearing from you.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Missed any part of the show. Get it All on Them, Murphy,
Salm and Jody Podcast
Welcome to the Murphy Salmon Chodi after the show podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
It's group therapy Thursday, Let's get better together. Great therapy
where you tell us and share with us something you've learned,
like a takeaway. And you know what, maybe you've never
been in therapy. And if you haven't, though you've picked
up mental health. You know goods along the way in life.
We all do and sometimes some one thing will stick
(00:25):
out and stick with you. It just happens that way,
and it's sometimes what you needed to hear, right. So
from our Facebook and Instagram pages, Stacy sent this the
most transformative advice from therapy show yourself the grace you
so willingly extend to others.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
That's a big one and I've heard that one too.
God is so true because sometimes we forget.
Speaker 3 (00:48):
To do that.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Taylor has told me that our oldest saughter, Taylor, who
is studying to be a mental health counselor, she's told
me that before. It's like, why are you saying that
to yourself? Would you say that to a friend? To
you with this sort of issue, It's like, oh No,
speak to yourself like you would a best friend.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Many of the stresses and issues come from your own
internal self talk.
Speaker 4 (01:09):
Oh my gosh, so so much.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
So I'll read that again for anybody that's from Stacy,
show yourself the same grace you so willingly extend to others.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
That's a good one.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
Stacy.
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Crystal sent this what she learned from therapy, like a
takeaway that stays with her, responding instead of reacting, taking
a breath before responding, and absolutely forgiving myself so that
I can forgive others. So that's a dual thing to
respond instead of react.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Man, we're two for two here. Both of these are
ringing my bell.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
I have had to learn and I'm still learning it.
I'm definitely in it right now in life, trying to
just let things be before responding.
Speaker 5 (01:56):
Yes, yes, my one takeaway I was gonna say that
My one takeaway is similar. Is the same thing, pause
before reacting.
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Yeah, I may just before reacting to others, to yourself
to others. You should do it for both.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
Yeah, I know, I know. Pause.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
I mean, honestly, it really is one of as we
forget to because it's the same thing. It's a negative
self talk thing, that pause before responding to others. Obviously, yes,
because you sometimes can't undo whatever words come out. But
that same impact, if it's directed it you internally, is
just as destructive.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
So yeah, I.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Think one of the reasons, and maybe you feel this
way too, Sam, since that one speaks to you. One
of the reasons I've had a tendency to respond quickly
and to if I place that person or the relationship
in high regard, if it's family and that person is
very important to me, well, of course I'm gonna call
right away there's something to talk about, or of course
(02:52):
we're going to discuss it now, when I should let
let whatever's going on settle in.
Speaker 4 (02:57):
You know, I had that experience this week.
Speaker 2 (03:00):
I picked up the phone and made a call when
I should have waited an hour thirty minutes to talk
about something.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
And yeah, it's the it's true. Yeah, it's so true.
It's the And don't confuse the word quick and emotional.
It's really about pausing for the emotional response. If your
quickness is being driven by an emotional reaction, that should
be your mental trigger to stop. Easier said than done.
But once you start to create the habit of doing
it and they actually do, say, that's where meditation starts
(03:31):
to work. If you do it repeatedly, ten minutes a day,
over and over and over, whether it's a guided one,
using an app or whatever, that eventually you start to
because you're focusing on the present, you start to create
the gaps in your mind because when you're.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
That'll help you not might react too quickly to something
or too emotionably.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
Why, because you're in the present. Once you are in
an emotional state, you're not in the present anymore. You're
either worried about the future or you're limiting something from
the past or whatever. You're not and the because the
only thing you actually can control is in the present anyway. Right, So,
but you know, it's again easier said than done. But
that's why they say, you know it's it's it's a
(04:09):
practice thing. At least for me personally, I've seen the
benefit in that because I slow down a lot more
now I know the pang that comes to me from
you know, an emotional reaction, and that's directly come from meditation.
Because you're sitting with yourself and feelings and thoughts and
you are acknowledging them. You let them go. You're not
trying to control them, you're not trying to react to them.
(04:30):
You're not trying to do anything other than acknowledge them.
And once you do that, and you know you start
to practice that, that can that can be really helpful.
And it's it works really for both ways. For your
own internal self talk, so that you don't immediately go
from an emotion to oh my god, I'm the worst,
or the way that you would vocalize it to something.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
So you've heard inside my head.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
I mean, it's just such a big it's one of
the biggest It's one of the biggest things that I
have learned. But you know, you haven't really done a
ton of of counseling over the years. Not that there's
anything wrong with that. Is that your biggest takeaway though,
what you're talking about right now with the no I would.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
Share my takeaway yet.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Okay, I want to go back to this sam with you.
Speaker 3 (05:15):
Yeah, I mean I tell you about my childhood.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
No.
Speaker 4 (05:16):
I want to ask regarding the pausing.
Speaker 5 (05:20):
Yeah, it was told to me in therapy. But what's
really funny about this is Murphy in the corporate world
has also it has played into the same thing because
like I'll get an email or somebody will tell me
something and I'll instantly want to like, and it's like,
(05:41):
you don't know the whole story yet, there's a reason
that person said that, or there's something more whatever, figure
you know, figure it out first, and then you can
have your reaction.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So it was told to you in therapy regarding personal stuff,
but you're saying you've also experienced it in Murphy.
Speaker 5 (05:57):
Well, well Murphy corporately, yes, but it also relates to
the personal personal story because there are things in my
personal life where you instantly want to.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
Go boom and explose, this is what's going on.
Speaker 5 (06:08):
I've had anger issues. So it's like, wait, you got
to find the whole story. Maybe there's a reason for this,
figure it out. What's the other person thinking.
Speaker 3 (06:17):
Right, yeah, YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
The reason it's so so tricky, I think in the
personal world, with family, with loved ones, with relationships is
because there's so much baggage there. You know one word,
you know the word, you always do this or this
always happens something, some little statement like that means one
(06:41):
thousand pounds more than just the statement because of the baggage,
because of the problems, because of someone's.
Speaker 3 (06:47):
Perception, because of the history.
Speaker 2 (06:49):
The history, right and so it's a very very tricky thing.
I had a friend of mine who is a counselor
tell me one time when she has a couple come
to her, she knows, you know, it's so much more
than the words they're saying. They're bringing in a big
bag of stuff that you can't see. But they're both
bringing in a big bag of stuff. Yeah, and so
(07:11):
even when they start to say something to each other
back and forth, that would be lighter if you had
just met. It has weight when you when you have
history and baggage. And that is so true as if
you have a if you're in a family, if you
are in relationships.
Speaker 4 (07:28):
You know that's true.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
So is that when your biggest takeaway sam from from
the council is Jodie's asking the one thing would you
say pausing to the one.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I don't think it's the biggest. I can't think of
the biggest right now.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
That's okay.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
When this when we started talking about this, it's like,
that's the first thing that jumped into my head. Because
you can ask my kids. I was always a fast responder.
I mean it's like, whoa, you don't you don't know
the whole situation. Why did you hit that person or what?
Speaker 4 (07:56):
Right?
Speaker 3 (07:57):
Figure it out and then you know.
Speaker 5 (07:59):
And also too, it helps for the anger because time
is passing, and even once you have, even if it
is your kid's fault or whoever the person is, you
want to attack in the first place, because time goes by,
you're likely to temper your reaction instead of just kaboom
exploding right off the back.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Well, that's why they say sleep on it.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Yeah, I don't always sleep on things, but yes.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
Yeah, yeah, it's we're emotional creatures. It's tough to do that,
but that will be the single biggest beneficial thing for
your own stress, your own personal physical health and everything,
your mental health and all of it. Yeah, so what
about more, Jody, I'm sure.
Speaker 4 (08:38):
I was gonna say.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Yeah, the more in you are, the more you love someone,
the strong more important than relationship. Worse that kaboom feels
or the worse your reaction can feel.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Well. Emotions also tend to personalize everything, and we make
the grave mistake of thinking that we are the center
of our own universe. And when we do that, you know, unintentionally,
And when I say that, it's it. It's because especially
when you're if you're feeling like you are being attacked,
or if you feel that anything that you attached the
emotional bag like you were talking about Jody too, put
(09:11):
you on the defensive. And once you stay in that
emotional mode, you're not going to be responding correctly to
the person that you're talking to, or to you know,
or to you to yourself personally.
Speaker 5 (09:22):
Yeah, okay, now now that you asked me that and
you said that, Murphy, it reminded me of one of
the other ones, and this one was a big one
when I was in relationships. It's focused on the issue
at hand.
Speaker 3 (09:34):
Oh nice, because oh wow, couples.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Especially when you start arguing, Just like you said, all
the bag, it comes back years of stuff. If we're
talking about something you did yesterday at dinner, stick to that.
Don't bring up yeah, well when your mom came over
three weeks and then.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
It goes back and back five years ago.
Speaker 5 (09:52):
Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're talking about this right now. In
my relationships and my breaking up of marriages, there have
been conversations and I have for those even way back then.
I learned to try to steer it back to hey,
we're talking about this right now, So we can do
that later, but let's fix.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
This right now.
Speaker 4 (10:15):
Nice. Yeah, I know it's my fault.
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Let's fix this right now.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
It's hard work.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
I feel like we're always on the you know, our
whole lives.
Speaker 4 (10:25):
We're going to work on ourselves.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
You know, you get this life, you live it, and
you are the trickiest thing that there is, and managing
you and your emotions and your mental health is the
trickiest thing in the world. That's why I'm so glad
that mental health is just so on the forefront today
and we're all willing to talk about it. That's why
we're going to do group therapy Thursdays on Thursdays, either
in this podcast or in the show, in all the ways,
(10:49):
because we cannot stop working on ourselves. Yeah, we just can't.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
So what is the one thing that you ever picked up?
Speaker 4 (10:56):
I think you know this story.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
I only ever went to account twice in my life
after my father died when I was a teenager and
I was forced to go there.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
My family was.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Like, you've got to talk to somebody, and I didn't
go for very long. And then later in my life, Murphy,
we were married. You you know about there was someone
that came into my life, into the family that made
me uncomfortable, and it was like this whole hey, I'm
here now, I'm in your life. And I was struggling
with it, and I was struggling with how to be
(11:28):
around this person. I was struggling with myself. And I
remember being in the room and I told her that
she was great, she was a great counselor. I said,
I don't really want to be here, but I'm going
to do what you tell me to do. And she
was wonderful, and she sent me home like the first
(11:48):
day with some well early on, with some homework. You know, how,
what are you going to do about this person taking
your power from you? Because you're letting this person take
your power from you. You don't know who you are
when this person is around.
Speaker 4 (12:01):
Why is that?
Speaker 2 (12:04):
And just that assignment, I was like whoah. And so
I came back to her the next and she was
ready to hear. She opened up her folder and I said,
here's what I have for you. I'm not going to
let anybody take my power from me, no matter who's
in the room. And so that was my takeaway, but
that was very specific to my situation. I don't know
(12:24):
if this, if that little nugget does anything for anybody here,
but if you do, if you do feel lesser around someone,
or if you do feel confused about your identity or
whoever you are around certain people, work on keeping your
own power, you know, not letting people take your power
(12:45):
at work and your personal life.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Yeah, I think that's very relevant. It's a what you're
really talking about is boundary setting and you allow you
allow somebody to cross your boundaries without excuse me, without
them even knowing it. Right in this case, I know,
this was a bit of it. This was a without
going into too much detail, it was an identity challenge.
It was somebody who was coming into the family, who
(13:07):
was kind of establishing themselves as already being part of
the family, which made a lot of people feel awkward.
And you know, and I think that you handled that part,
you know, very well. So you know that applies, I
think to any part of our lives when we allow
somebody else's actions upon us to take such a toll
(13:28):
on us that we then no longer or focus and
realize we're not because we become we become reactive at
that point. That really it's like it's like the blame
game without realizing you're putting the blame. When you're letting
somebody victimize you, for lack of a better term, at
some point it becomes you allowing that you painting those pictures,
(13:48):
you creating that narrative. In some cases, I'm not talking
about abuse and that kind of stuff. I'm talking about,
you know, being inside of our own heads on things
and you know, feeling what's the word obsessing, Maybe allowing
something to take so much of your attention, time and
(14:09):
energy away from right exactly that when you refocus back
on yourself, it's a healthy thing.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:15):
Look, that those work I needed to do.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
It was information that I needed and I got a
lot out of it. But that was my I remember
that day thinking this is not just beneficial for this situation,
this is beneficial for my life.
Speaker 3 (14:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (14:30):
Two, why are you letting this person take your pos you.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Know, I mean being married to you and as long
as we've been together, I've watched that over the years.
Because you're a kind, caring person and you have such
great empathy for other people, sometimes you will let that
draw you into whatever it is they're feeling, acting or
whatever at the moment, and you've created better boundaries over
the years of being you know who you are, and
(14:55):
it doesn't come from a bad place. It comes from
a good place. But you know, I think anybody who's
really and cares about others, it's easy to get to
that trap or all of a sudden you care so
much you get for them, or you're right that you can't.
You got to save yourself before you can save somebody else.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
You know, Yes, yes, I don't know why you had
an amen over there for that, Sam, no reason.
Speaker 3 (15:16):
I'm gonna pause before I react.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Okay, great Murphy, your big takeaway from therapy?
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I mean, I look, I stay in it. I may.
Speaker 3 (15:24):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
I'm making assumptions. I think I'm the only one in
the room that still keeps regular appointments and have NonStop
now for eleven years. And the biggest one for me,
actually it was with a different counselor from a long
time ago, Jodie and you remember this one, and it
just stood out to me. And she wrote this on
a card. She said, remember ninety five is an A
(15:47):
And what she meant by that is that when you're
a perfectionist, you're always shooting for one hundred percent and
that in school, which I think it's a fantastic analogy
in ninety four and ninety five. Whatever it is is
an a why do you need to do better than that?
That you will put so much time, effort, and attention
into that last six percent that you're literally wasting your
(16:08):
time you've already achieved an A why you know, why
keep pushing past that? And you know, perfectionism, which is
something that I mean, I probably will be for the
rest of my life. It's it's what drives me. It's
a slippery slope because I also embrace it in me.
It's what keeps me going. It's I mean, I think
you'll know that we've worked together for so long. You
(16:28):
know that I'm not really satisfied with the status quo
on anything. To me, by the something, By the time
something becomes status quo, it's time to change it because
you're going to get left behind if you don't make
a change. And most people are fine with status quo.
It's just human nature. We've fallen into a task list
and and and the world is not you know, uh,
I don't know that we're actually always taught to be thinking.
(16:52):
You know that way we all get to a place
of complacency. So I never wanted a knee jerk in
either direction. But you know, I have to remember that
in ninety four is you know, is an A and
and the other you know, the other thing is.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
You still say that to yourself sometimes.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
Yeah, I'll remind myself of that. But even making decisions,
I mean, there are all sorts of there are management
books on this sort of thing too, where there are
people that will say, once you've got seventy five percent
of the information makes me, you need to make the decision.
Because what what hurts businesses and beyond more than anything else,
is in decision. The more time that you don't take
(17:28):
an action, somebody else is going to take an action
before you do, you know or something. And so if
you're waiting for all of the information, you're not going
to make the decision. And so it plays into the
same thing. But I have to really consciously remind myself
of that good.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
And you know, in some schools in nineties an A yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Right, can it even relax? Right?
Speaker 4 (17:50):
No kidding, it's group there, Bey Thursday.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
Keep it coming on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube and TikTok.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
You know, we love hearing from you.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Missed any part of the show. Get it All on Them, Murphy,
Salm and Jody Podcast
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